#S3p12N

[homestuckshakespeare]

Act 3, Scene 2

SCENE II. OLIVIA's house.

Director’s note: As ever, the long couch flanked by big-leafed potted plants. Equius, the couch is yours. Nepeta, take one of the plants. Rose, take the other. You’re on-deck anyhow. Then, lights up.

Enter SIR TOBY BELCH, SIR ANDREW, and FABIAN

DN: Dirk, enter dejected and dismayed, as one who has been thoroughly embarrassed. John and Jade, you are trying desperately to convince him to stay, because you’re taking his cash. I say again: desperation. So, Dirk plods across the stage, and you two flit after him.

SIR ANDREW

No, faith, I'll not stay a jot longer.

SIR TOBY BELCH

thy reason, dear venom, give thy reason.

FABIAN

you must needs yield your reason sir andrew

SIR ANDREW

Marry, I saw your niece do more favours to the count's serving-man than ever she bestowed upon me; I saw't i' the orchard.

SIR TOBY BELCH

did she see thee the while, old boy? tell me that.

SIR ANDREW

As plain as I see you now.

FABIAN

this was a great argument of love in her toward you

DN: Dirk, turn towards them now, and you are sad and angry both.

SIR ANDREW

'Slight, will you make an ass o' me?

DN: Jade, you’re going to prove it with logic, like doing a mathematical proof. John, you’re chiming in to reinforce her. Jade can do whatever gestures she wants, and John, you mimic her when you can. Dirk, consider it. Hand on chin or what have you.

FABIAN

i will prove it legitimate sir upon the oaths of judgment and reason

SIR TOBY BELCH

and they have been grand-jury-men since before noah was a sailor.

FABIAN

she did show favour to the youth in your sight only to exasperate you, to awake your dormouse valour, to put fire in your heart and brimstone in your liver you should then have accosted her and with some excellent jests fire-new from the mint you should have banged the youth into dumbness. this was looked for at your hand and this was balked: the double gilt of this opportunity you let time wash off and you are now sailed into the north of my ladys opinion; where you will hang like an icicle on a dutchmans beard unless you do redeem it by some laudable attempt either of valour or policy

SIR ANDREW

An't be any way, it must be with valour; for policy I hate: I had as lief be a Brownist as a politician.

SIR TOBY BELCH

why, then, build me thy fortunes upon the basis of valour. challenge me the count's youth to fight with him; hurt him in eleven places: my niece shall take note of it; and assure thyself, there is no love-broker in the world can more prevail in man's commendation with woman than report of valour.

FABIAN

there is no way but this sir andrew

DN: Dirk, you are grudgingly persuaded, and nod.

SIR ANDREW

Will either of you bear me a challenge to him?

DN: John, put your hand on Dirk’s shoulder and physically steer him slowly toward Stage Right. When Dirk stops, shove him a little. Go on like this for your speech.

SIR TOBY BELCH

go, write it in a martial hand; be curst and brief; it is no matter how witty, so it be eloquent and fun of invention: taunt him with the licence of ink: if thou thou'st him some thrice, it shall not be amiss; and as many lies as will lie in thy sheet of paper, although the sheet were big enough for the bed of ware in england, set 'em down: go, about it. let there be gall enough in thy ink, though thou write with a goose-pen, no matter: about it.

DN: Dirk, you should be almost off-stage for this line.

SIR ANDREW

Where shall I find you?

SIR TOBY BELCH

we'll call thee at the cubiculo: go.

Exit SIR ANDREW

DN: John, when Dirk leaves, turn slowly to Jade, and grin manically. Run over to her. High-five. Jade, you are just as excited as John is, and you put an arm around his shoulders.

FABIAN

this is a dear manikin to you sir toby

SIR TOBY BELCH

i have been dear to him, lad, some two thousand strong, or so.

DN: Jade laughs. For the “you’ll not deliver it,” be genuinely concerned that this might happen - you don’t actually want them to fight. John, in contrast, is intent on delivering it, but doesn’t think it’ll happen anyway.

FABIAN

we shall have a rare letter from him: but youll not deliver it???

SIR TOBY BELCH

never trust me, then; and by all means stir on the youth to an answer. i think oxen and wainropes cannot hale them together. for andrew, if he were opened, and you find so much blood in his liver as will clog the foot of a flea, i'll eat the rest of the anatomy

DN: Jade, you’re reassured by this, and add more to reassure you both.

FABIAN

and his opposite, the youth, bears in his visage no great presage of cruelty

Enter MARIA

DN: Rose, run in, and pant a little bit when you’re talking. You have beheld something hilarious. John and Jade, you’re delighted to see her. Jade can squee a little bit. Everyone is super exited!

SIR TOBY BELCH

look, where the youngest wren of nine comes.

MARIA

If you desire the spleen, and will laugh yourself into stitches, follow me. Yond gull Malvolio is turned heathen, a very renegado; for there is no Christian, that means to be saved by believing rightly, can ever believe such impossible passages of grossness. He's in yellow stockings.

SIR TOBY BELCH

and cross-gartered?

MARIA

Most villanously; like a pedant that keeps a school i' the church. I have dogged him, like his murderer. He does obey every point of the letter that I dropped to betray him: he does smile his face into more lines than is in the new map with the augmentation of the Indies: you have not seen such a thing as 'tis. I can hardly forbear hurling things at him. I know my lady will strike him: if she do, he'll smile and take't for a great favour.

SIR TOBY BELCH

come, bring us, bring us where he is.

Exeunt

DN: RUN offstage. You are all beyond excited about this. Wait a moment, then lights down, then Equius strike the couch, John and Jade get the potted plants.

[homestuckshakespeare]

Act 3, Scene 1

SCENE I. OLIVIA's garden.

Enter VIOLA, and FESTE with a tabour

Director's Note: We're gonna say this is a different part of the garden than we saw last scene. That means we'll need some nice big fake flowers, which Calliope has so graciously provided for us. Nepeta and Equius, it's on you to get the two huge flowers and the bench on. Vriska, get the left flower and run off. Equius, take the bench. Now, Jane, you come in from stage right in the dark and stop around center stage. Dave, come in when the lights come up, playing your tambourine even in the wings. Go out and start dancing around as you play it! The goal is constant movement and constant noise. After about 30 seconds of running around the stage, start circling Jane, still banging away. Jane, let him go around you three times, then start trying to grab the tambourine. Say "Save thee..." as you do this. When you've got the tambourine secured, fake wrenching it out of his hand and give the "dost thou" line.

VIOLA

Save thee, friend, and thy music: dost thou live by thy tabour?

DN: Jane, set the tambourine by your feet stage right. Dave, stop cold, and use simple, jerky movements and comical poses. Jane, imitate his poses.

FESTE

no sir i live by the church

VIOLA

Art thou a churchman?

FESTE

no such matter sir: i do live by the church for i do live at my house and my house doth stand by the church

VIOLA

So thou mayst say, the king lies by a beggar, if a beggar dwell near him; or, the church stands by thy tabour, if thy tabour stand by the church.

DN: Dave, steal Jane's glove right off her hand and turn it inside out for your line.

FESTE

you have said sir. to see this age! a sentence is but a cheveril glove to a good wit: how quickly the wrong side may be turned outward

VIOLA

Nay, that's certain; they that dally nicely with words may quickly make them wanton.

DN: Dave, keep gesturing with the glove throughout this conversation. Jane, make half-hearted attempts to steal it back. Keep imitating his poses.

FESTE

i would therefore my sister had had no name sir

VIOLA

Why, man?

FESTE

why sir her name's a word and to dally with that word might make my sister wanton. but indeed words are very rascals since bonds disgraced them

VIOLA

Thy reason, man?

FESTE

troth sir i can yield you none without words; and words are grown so false i am loath to prove reason with them

VIOLA

I warrant thou art a merry fellow and carest for nothing.

FESTE

not so sir i do care for something; but in my conscience sir i do not care for you: if that be to care for nothing sir i would it would make you invisible

DN: Dave, on "invisible," turn from Jane and drop the glove behind you. Jane, bend to pick it up and gesture at him with it. Dave, continue to be a clown.

VIOLA

Art not thou the Lady Olivia's fool?

FESTE

no indeed sir; the lady olivia has no folly: she will keep no fool sir till she be married; and fools are as like husbands as pilchards are to herrings; the husband's the bigger: i am indeed not her fool but her corrupter of words

VIOLA

I saw thee late at the Count Orsino's.

FESTE

foolery sir does walk about the orb like the sun, it shines every where. i would be sorry sir but the fool should be as oft with your master as with my mistress: i think i saw your wisdom there

VIOLA

Nay, an thou pass upon me, I'll no more with thee. Hold, there's expenses for thee.

DN: Jane, pull some money out of your pocket. Put one (1) quarter in his hand. Do NOT use chocolate coins! It took forever to get it out of his costume. Dave, rub your chin really quickly for the beard line. Slowly is funny, but hyperspeed is funnier.

FESTE

now jove in his next commodity of hair send thee a beard

VIOLA

By my troth, I'll tell thee, I am almost sick for one;

(Aside)

though I would not have it grow on my chin. Is thy lady within?

DN: Dave, hold up the coin and wobble it back and forth so that it catches the lights.

FESTE

would not a pair of these have bred sir

VIOLA

Yes, being kept together and put to use.

FESTE

i would play lord pandarus of phrygia sir to bring a cressida to this troilus

DN: Jane, after "sir," sigh and grab another quarter. Put it in his hand.

VIOLA

I understand you, sir; 'tis well begged.

FESTE

the matter i hope is not great sir begging but a beggar: cressida was a beggar. my lady is within sir. i will construe to them whence you come; who you are and what you would are out of my welkin, i might say 'element' but the word is over-worn

Exit

DN: Dave, in a perfect world, I would have you prance offstage, but this is not a perfect world. So, grab the tambourine from by Jane's feet, begin shaking it and tapping it again, and just walk away. If you want to do a little spin now and then, that's great. Jane, stay centerstage.

VIOLA

This fellow is wise enough to play the fool; And to do that well craves a kind of wit: He must observe their mood on whom he jests, The quality of persons, and the time, And, like the haggard, cheque at every feather That comes before his eye. This is a practise As full of labour as a wise man's art For folly that he wisely shows is fit; But wise men, folly-fall'n, quite taint their wit.

Enter SIR TOBY BELCH, and SIR ANDREW

DN: From stage left. John first, then Dirk. Jane, wheel about.

SIR TOBY BELCH

save you, gentleman.

VIOLA

And you, sir.

SIR ANDREW

Dieu vous garde, monsieur.

VIOLA

Et vous aussi; votre serviteur.

DN: Dirk, be visibly taken aback.

SIR ANDREW

I hope, sir, you are; and I am yours.

SIR TOBY BELCH

will you encounter the house? my niece is desirous you should enter, if your trade be to her.

VIOLA

I am bound to your niece, sir; I mean, she is the list of my voyage.

SIR TOBY BELCH

taste your legs, sir; put them to motion.

VIOLA

My legs do better understand me, sir, than I understand what you mean by bidding me taste my legs.

SIR TOBY BELCH

i mean, to go, sir, to enter.

DN: Jane, at "entrance," turn and put one foot out as if to take a step forward, say the next bit, and then retract your foot.

VIOLA

I will answer you with gait and entrance. But we are prevented.

Enter OLIVIA and MARIA

DN: From stage right, Rose trailing behind Kanaya.

Most excellent accomplished lady, the heavens rain odours on you!

SIR ANDREW

That youth's a rare courtier: 'Rain odours;' well.

VIOLA

My matter hath no voice, to your own most pregnant and vouchsafed ear.

SIR ANDREW

'Odours,' 'pregnant' and 'vouchsafed:' I'll get 'em all three all ready.

OLIVIA

Let The Garden Door Be Shut, And Leave Me To My Hearing.

Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH, SIR ANDREW, and MARIA

DN: Maria, turn around and walk off stage right. John and Dirk, go upstage of Kanaya and Jane, between them and the plants.

Give Me Your Hand, Sir.

VIOLA

My duty, madam, and most humble service.

OLIVIA

What Is Your Name?

VIOLA

Cesario is your servant's name, fair princess.

OLIVIA

My Servant, Sir! 'Twas Never Merry World Since Lowly Feigning Was Call'd Compliment: You're Servant To The Count Orsino, Youth.

VIOLA

And he is yours, and his must needs be yours: Your servant's servant is your servant, madam.

OLIVIA

For Him, I Think Not On Him: For His Thoughts, Would They Were Blanks, Rather Than Fill'd With Me!

VIOLA

Madam, I come to whet your gentle thoughts On his behalf.

OLIVIA

O, By Your Leave, I Pray You, I Bade You Never Speak Again Of Him: But, Would You Undertake Another Suit, I Had Rather Hear You To Solicit That Than Music From The Spheres.

VIOLA

Dear lady,

OLIVIA

Give Me Leave, Beseech You. I Did Send, After The Last Enchantment You Did Here, A Ring In Chase Of You: So Did I Abuse Myself, My Servant And, I Fear Me, You: Under Your Hard Construction Must I Sit, To Force That On You, In A Shameful Cunning, Which You Knew None Of Yours: What Might You Think? Have You Not Set Mine Honour At The Stake And Baited It With All The Unmuzzled Thoughts That Tyrannous Heart Can Think? To One Of Your Receiving Enough Is Shown: A Cypress, Not A Bosom, Hideth My Heart. So, Let Me Hear You Speak.

VIOLA

I pity you.

OLIVIA

That's A Degree To Love.

VIOLA

No, not a grize; for 'tis a vulgar proof, That very oft we pity enemies.

OLIVIA

Why, Then, Methinks 'Tis Time To Smile Again. O, World, How Apt The Poor Are To Be Proud! If One Should Be A Prey, How Much The Better To Fall Before The Lion Than The Wolf!

Clock strikes

DN: This will not be a sound effect. John and Dave, I would have you harmonize on the word "bong" a few times from offstage. This is a comedy, after all. 

The Clock Upbraids Me With The Waste Of Time. Be Not Afraid, Good Youth, I Will Not Have You: And Yet, When Wit And Youth Is Come To Harvest, Your Were Is Alike To Reap A Proper Man: There Lies Your Way, Due West.

VIOLA

Then westward-ho! Grace and good disposition Attend your ladyship! You'll nothing, madam, to my lord by me?

OLIVIA

Stay: I Prithee, Tell Me What Thou Thinkest Of Me.

VIOLA

That you do think you are not what you are.

OLIVIA

If I Think So, I Think The Same Of You.

VIOLA

Then think you right: I am not what I am.

OLIVIA

I Would You Were As I Would Have You Be!

VIOLA

Would it be better, madam, than I am? I wish it might, for now I am your fool.

OLIVIA

O, What A Deal Of Scorn Looks Beautiful In The Contempt And Anger Of His Lip! A Murderous Guilt Shows Not Itself More Soon Than Love That Would Seem Hid: Love's Night Is Noon. Cesario, By The Roses Of The Spring, By Maidhood, Honour, Truth And Every Thing, I Love Thee So, That, Maugre All Thy Pride, Nor Wit Nor Reason Can My Passion Hide. Do Not Extort Thy Reasons From This Clause, For That I Woo, Thou Therefore Hast No Cause, But Rather Reason Thus With Reason Fetter, Love Sought Is Good, But Given Unsought Better.

VIOLA

By innocence I swear, and by my youth I have one heart, one bosom and one truth, And that no woman has; nor never none Shall mistress be of it, save I alone. And so adieu, good madam: never more Will I my master's tears to you deplore.

OLIVIA

Yet Come Again; For Thou Perhaps Mayst Move That Heart, Which Now Abhors, To Like His Love.

Exeunt

DN: Kanaya, march off stage right. Jane, slink off stage left. When the lights are out, Dave, grab one of the flowers, and Jade, grab the other. This is a rough transition, so be quick about it.

[homestuckshakespeare]

Act 2, Scene 5

SCENE V. OLIVIA's garden.

Enter SIR TOBY BELCH, SIR ANDREW, and FABIAN

D.N.: This is what we call the Box Tree scene. As we agreed, our box tree is a big fake hedge. Remember, it's a big box behind a block of styrofoam with fake grass glued on the front, with a concealed hole in the middle of the styrofoam. Feferi, you're going to place it on your own. Make sure the box doesn't stick out. Bring it from stage left and put it just right of center. Think of dividing the stage into thirds, and put the hedge on the stage-right third line, with about four feet for the actors to move in front of it. When it's placed, go right, not left. John, Dirk, Jade, wander in from stage right, in front of Equius and Nepeta. You have a monopoly on the front part of the right wing. Wander center, John striding farther ahead than the others. Jane, race to catch up. You should end up in a little triangle, with Dirk stage-right, Jade slightly upstage, and John stage-left.

SIR TOBY BELCH

come thy ways, signior fabian.

FABIAN

Nay, I'll come: if I lose a scruple of this sport, let me be boiled to death with melancholy.

SIR TOBY BELCH

wouldst thou not be glad to have the --- rascally sheep-biter come by some notable shame?

FABIAN

I would exult, man: you know, he brought me out o' favour with my lady about a bear-baiting here.

SIR TOBY BELCH

to anger him we'll have the bear again; and we will fool him black and blue: shall we not, sir andrew?

SIR ANDREW

An we do not, it is pity of our lives.

SIR TOBY BELCH

here comes the little villain.

(Enter MARIA)

D.N.: Rose, come from stage left. Hold the letter as clearly as you can in your left hand. Look at the hedge behind John and the others. John, hail her. 

how now, my metal of india!

MARIA

Get ye all three into the box-tree: Malvolio's coming down this walk: he has been yonder i' the sun practising behavior to his own shadow this half hour: observe him, for the love of mockery; for I know this letter will make a contemplative idiot of him. Close, in the name of jesting! Lie thou there,

(Throws down a letter)

for here comes the trout that must be caught with tickling.

Exit

DN: Rose, leave stage left, but FAR upstage. Get as close to the backdrop as you can, and scurry! Notice Eridan coming onstage if you can, and giggle a little. If you forget, it's okay. Jade, scramble behind the hedge. Dirk, duck behind as efficiently as you can. John, take a dive. You have Eridan's speech time to arrange yourselves so that Jade is on the right, John in the middle, and Dirk on the left, stage-wise.

Enter MALVOLIO

DN: From stage left, far downstage. DO NOT ACKNOWLEDGE ROSE. Just move straight for centerstage.

MALVOLIO

tis but fortune; all is fortune. maria once told me she did affect me and i havve heard herself come thus near that should she fancy it should be one of my complexion. besides she uses me wwith a more exalted respect than any one else that followws her. wwhat should i think ont?

DN: And now, it is time to party. Eridan, every time someone speaks, pose. Right now, do the "fingers on chin contemplating and trying to look pretty" pose. John, pop out from behind the hedge.

SIR TOBY BELCH

here's an overweening rogue!

DN: Jade, pop out and put your hand on his shoulder and pretend to drag him down.

FABIAN

O, peace! Contemplation makes a rare turkey-cock of him: how he jets under his advanced plumes!

DN: Dirk, pop out from behind the hedge, but taller than John.

SIR ANDREW

'Slight, I could so beat the rogue!

DN: John, put your hand on Dirk's shoulder and pretend to drag him down.

SIR TOBY BELCH

peace, i say.

DN: Everyone pop down! Eridan, take one step stage right and pose again!

MALVOLIO

to be count malvvolio!

DN: John, pop up!

SIR TOBY BELCH

Ah, rogue!

DN: Dirk, pop up!

SIR ANDREW

Pistol him, pistol him.

DN: John, put your hand on top of Dirk's head.

SIR TOBY BELCH

peace, peace!

DN: John and Dirk, pop down. Eridan, continue to pose and contemplate.

MALVOLIO

there is example for't; the lady of the strachy married the yeoman of the wwardrobe

DN: Party time over. Dirk, pop up.

SIR ANDREW

Fie on him, Jezebel!

DN: Jade, pop up.

FABIAN

O, peace! now he's deeply in: look how imagination blows him.

MALVOLIO

havving been three months married to her sitting in my state--

DN: John, pop up! NO ONE GO BACK DOWN. Eridan, ignore them and continue to strut around and pose.

SIR TOBY BELCH

o, for a stone-bow, to hit him in the eye!

MALVOLIO

calling my officers about me in my branched vvelvvet gowwn; having come from a daybed wwhere i have left olivvia sleeping--

DN: Jade, every time you say "peace," put your hand just over John's mouth. Don't actually touch him. John, every time she's done with her line, take her wrist and push her arm down. Eridan, continue to strut around.

SIR TOBY BELCH

fire and brimstone!

FABIAN

O, peace, peace!

MALVOLIO

and then to havve the humor of state and after a demure travvel of regard telling them i knoww my place as i wwould they should do theirs to for my kinsman toby--

SIR TOBY BELCH

bolts and shackles!

FABIAN

O peace, peace, peace! now, now.

MALVOLIO

sevven of my people wwith an obedient start make out for him: i frowwn the wwhile and perchance wwind up wwatch or play wwith my--some rich jewwel. toby approaches courtesies there to me--

SIR TOBY BELCH

shall this fellow live?

FABIAN

Though our silence be drawn from us with cars, yet peace.

MALVOLIO

i extend my hand to him thus quenching my familiar smile wwith an austere regard of control--

DN: John, punch through the hole in the hedge for your line. Try not to pull the fake grass through to your side, but make sure the audience can see your hand.

SIR TOBY BELCH

and does not toby take you a blow o' the lips then?

MALVOLIO

saying 'cousin toby my fortunes havving cast me on your niece givve me this prerogativve of speech'--

SIR TOBY BELCH

what, what?

MALVOLIO

'you must amend your drunkenness'

DN: John, jump to your feet!

SIR TOBY BELCH

out, scab!

DN: Jade, wrestle him back down. Deliver your line loud!

FABIAN

Nay, patience, or we break the sinews of our plot.

MALVOLIO

'besides you wwaste the treasure of your time wwith a foolish knight'--

DN: Dirk, you've been up this entire time. Point at yourself comically.

SIR ANDREW

That's me, I warrant you.

MALVOLIO

'one sir andreww'--

SIR ANDREW

I knew 'twas I; for many do call me fool.

MALVOLIO

wwhat employment havve wwe here?

(Taking up the letter)

DN: You should now be dead center-stage.

FABIAN

Now is the woodcock near the gin.

SIR TOBY BELCH

o, peace! and the spirit of humour intimate reading aloud to him!

MALVOLIO

by my life this is my ladys hand these be her vvery c's her u's and her t's and thus makes she her great p's. it is in contempt of question her hand

SIR ANDREW

Her C's, her U's and her T's: why that?

MALVOLIO

[Reads] 'to the unknowwn belovved this and my good wwishes:'--her vvery phrases! by your leavve wwax. soft! and the impressure her lucrece wwith wwhich she uses to seal: tis my lady. to wwhom should this be?

FABIAN

This wins him, liver and all.

MALVOLIO

[Reads] jove knowws i love: but wwho? lips do not movve; no man must knoww 'no man must knoww' wwhat followws? the numbers altered! 'no man must knoww:' if this should be thee malvvolio?

SIR TOBY BELCH

marry, hang thee, brock!

MALVOLIO

[Reads] i may command wwhere i adore; but silence like a lucrece knife wwith bloodless stroke my heart doth gore: m, o, a, i, doth swway my life

FABIAN

A fustian riddle!

SIR TOBY BELCH

excellent wench, say i.

MALVOLIO

'm, o, a, i, doth swway my life' nay but first let me see let me see let me see

FABIAN

What dish o' poison has she dressed him!

SIR TOBY BELCH

and with what wing the staniel cheques at it!

MALVOLIO

'i may command wwhere i adore' wwhy she may command me: i servve her she is my lady. wwhy this is evvident to any formal capacity there is no obstruction in this and the end -- wwhat should that alphabetical position portend? if i could make that resemble something in me -- softly m, o, a, i,--

SIR TOBY BELCH

O, ay, make up that: he is now at a cold scent.

FABIAN

Sowter will cry upon't for all this, though it be as rank as a fox.

MALVOLIO

m--malvvolio; m--wwhy that begins my name

FABIAN

Did not I say he would work it out? the cur is excellent at faults.

MALVOLIO

m--but then there is no consonancy in the sequel that suffers under probation a should followw but o does

FABIAN

And O shall end, I hope.

DN: John, punch through the hedge again for your line.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Ay, or I'll cudgel him, and make him cry O!

MALVOLIO

and then i comes behind

FABIAN

Ay, an you had any eye behind you, you might see more detraction at your heels than fortunes before you.

MALVOLIO

m o a i; this simulation is not as the former and yet to crush this a little it wwould boww to me for evvery one of these letters are in my name. soft here followws prose

(reads)

'if this fall into thy hand revvolvve. in my stars i am abovve thee but be not afraid of greatness: some are born great some achievve greatness and some havve greatness thrust upon em. thy fates open their hands; let thy blood and spirit embrace them and to inure thyself to wwhat thou art like to be cast thy humble slough and appear fresh. be opposite wwith a kinsman surly wwith servvants let thy tongue tang arguments of state put thyself into the trick of singularity: she thus advvises thee that sighs for thee. remember wwho commended thy yelloww stockings and wwished to see thee evver cross-gartered i say remember. go to thou art made if thou desirest to be so; if not, let me see thee a stewward still the felloww of servvants and not wworthy to touch fortune's fingers. farewwell she that wwould alter servvices wwith thee the fortunate-unhappy' daylight and champaign discovvers not more: this is open. i wwill be proud i wwill read politic authors i wwill baffle sir toby i wwill wwash off gross acquaintance i wwill be point-devvise the vvery man. i do not noww fool myself to let imagination jade me for evvery reason excites to this that my lady lovves me. she did commend my yelloww stockings of late she did praise my leg being cross-gartered and in this she manifests herself to my lovve and wwith a kind of injunction drivves me to these habits of her liking. i thank my stars i am happy. i wwill be strange stout in yelloww stockings and cross-gartered evven wwith the swwiftness of putting on. jovve and my stars be praised! here is yet a postscript

(reads)

'thou canst not choose but knoww wwho i am. if thou entertainest my lovve let it appear in thy smiling; thy smiles become thee wwell; therefore in my presence still smile dear my swweet i prithee' jovve i thank thee i wwill smile i wwill do evverything that thou wwilt havve me

(exit)

DN: Stage left, far downstage. CLUTCH THE LETTER. The SECOND Eridan gets offstage, the three of you break into hysterical laughter. Just, falling over yourselves, spilling out from behind the hedge, complete collapse. All I ask is that no one tip the hedge over again. That was very scary for both myself and our student directors. Do you remember how long it took to get the dust out of the grass? When you finish laughing, stand up and reform your triangle from earlier.

FABIAN

I will not give my part of this sport for a pension of thousands to be paid from the Sophy.

SIR TOBY BELCH

i could marry this wench for this device.

SIR ANDREW

So could I too.

SIR TOBY BELCH

and ask no other dowry with her but such another jest.

SIR ANDREW

Nor I neither.

FABIAN

Here comes my noble gull-catcher.

Re-enter MARIA

DN: From stage left, upstage. Break the triangle and walk over to Rose, John right before her and Dirk a step behind.

SIR TOBY BELCH

wilt thou set thy foot o' my neck?

SIR ANDREW

Or o' mine either?

DN: Boys, kneel.

SIR TOBY BELCH

shall i play my freedom at traytrip, and become thy bond-slave?

SIR ANDREW

I' faith, or I either?

SIR TOBY BELCH

why, thou hast put him in such a dream, that when the image of it leaves him he must run mad.

MARIA

Nay, but say true; does it work upon him?

SIR TOBY BELCH

like aqua-vitae with a midwife.

MARIA

If you will then see the fruits of the sport, mark his first approach before my lady: he will come to her in yellow stockings, and 'tis a colour she abhors, and cross-gartered, a fashion she detests; and he will smile upon her, which will now be so unsuitable to her disposition, being addicted to a melancholy as she is, that it cannot but turn him into a notable contempt. If you will see it, follow me.

SIR TOBY BELCH

to the gates of tartar, thou most excellent devil of wit!

SIR ANDREW

I'll make one too.

Exeunt

DN: Only now do you boys get to stand up. Follow Rose stage left, downstage. Feferi, run back on from right and grab the tree, and haul it off stage right.

[homestuckshakespeare]

Act 2, Scene 4

SCENE IV. DUKE ORSINO's palace.

Enter DUKE ORSINO, VIOLA, CURIO, and others

D.N.: Big chair is set up in the middle of the stage. Karkat is gonna sit in it. Nepeta, you're leaning on the left armrest of the chair. Jane, wait on the right side of the chair. Aradia, you're with your xylophone stage right.)

DUKE ORSINO

GIVE ME SOME MUSIC. NOW, GOOD MORROW, FRIENDS. NOW, GOOD CESARIO, BUT THAT PIECE OF SONG, THAT OLD AND ANTIQUE SONG WE HEARD LAST NIGHT: METHOUGHT IT DID RELIEVE MY PASSION MUCH, MORE THAN LIGHT AIRS AND RECOLLECTED TERMS OF THESE MOST BRISK AND GIDDY-PACED TIMES: COME, BUT ONE VERSE.

CURIO

XOO < he is not here so please your lordship that should sing it.

DUKE ORSINO

WHO WAS IT?

CURIO

:33 < feste the jester my lord, a fool that the lady olivia's father took much delight in. he is about the house.

DUKE ORSINO

SEEK HIM OUT, AND PLAY THE TUNE THE WHILE.

(Exit CURIO. Music plays.)

(DN: Nepeta, go stage left. Aradia, you know what to do.)

COME HITHER, BOY: IF EVER THOU SHALT LOVE, IN THE SWEET PANGS OF IT REMEMBER ME; FOR SUCH AS I AM ALL TRUE LOVERS ARE, UNSTAID AND SKITTISH IN ALL MOTIONS ELSE, SAVE IN THE CONSTANT IMAGE OF THE CREATURE THAT IS BELOVED. HOW DOST THOU LIKE THIS TUNE?

VIOLA

It gives a very echo to the seat Where Love is throned.

DUKE ORSINO

THOU DOST SPEAK MASTERLY: MY LIFE UPON'T, YOUNG THOUGH THOU ART, THINE EYE HATH STAY'D UPON SOME FAVOUR THAT IT LOVES: HATH IT NOT, BOY?

VIOLA

A little, by your favour.

DUKE ORSINO

WHAT KIND OF WOMAN IS'T?

VIOLA

Of your complexion.

DUKE ORSINO

SHE IS NOT WORTH THEE, THEN. WHAT YEARS, I' FAITH?

VIOLA

About your years, my lord.

DUKE ORSINO

TOO OLD BY HEAVEN: LET STILL THE WOMAN TAKE AN ELDER THAN HERSELF: SO WEARS SHE TO HIM, SO SWAYS SHE LEVEL IN HER HUSBAND'S HEART: FOR, BOY, HOWEVER WE DO PRAISE OURSELVES, OUR FANCIES ARE MORE GIDDY AND UNFIRM, MORE LONGING, WAVERING, SOONER LOST AND WORN, THAN WOMEN'S ARE.

VIOLA

I think it well, my lord.

DUKE ORSINO

THEN LET THY LOVE BE YOUNGER THAN THYSELF, OR THY AFFECTION CANNOT HOLD THE BENT; FOR WOMEN ARE AS ROSES, WHOSE FAIR FLOWER BEING ONCE DISPLAY'D, DOTH FALL THAT VERY HOUR.

VIOLA

And so they are: alas, that they are so; To die, even when they to perfection grow!

(Re-enter CURIO and FESTE.)

(DN: From stage right. Nepeta, cross behind the big chair to lean on the left armrest again. Dave, set up next to Aradia. Jane, cross to the left side of the chair and sit upstage to watch.)

DUKE ORSINO

O, FELLOW, COME, THE SONG WE HAD LAST NIGHT. MARK IT, CESARIO, IT IS OLD AND PLAIN; THE SPINSTERS AND THE KNITTERS IN THE SUN AND THE FREE MAIDS THAT WEAVE THEIR THREAD WITH BONES DO USE TO CHANT IT: IT IS SILLY SOOTH, AND DALLIES WITH THE INNOCENCE OF LOVE, LIKE THE OLD AGE.

FESTE

are you ready sir

DUKE ORSINO

AY; PRITHEE, SING.

(Music.)

FESTE

come away come away death and in sad cypress let me be laid; fly away fly away breath; i am slain by a fair cruel maid. my shroud of white stuck all with yew o prepare it my part of death no one so true did share it not a flower not a flower sweet on my black coffin let there be strown; not a friend not a friend greet my poor corpse where my bones shall be thrown: a thousand thousand sighs to save lay me o where sad true lover never find my grave to weep there

(DN: Dave, when you're done, bow and kneel before the right side of the chair. Jane, go back to stand by Nepeta.)

DUKE ORSINO

THERE'S FOR THY PAINS.

FESTE

no pains sir: i take pleasure in singing sir

DUKE ORSINO

I'LL PAY THY PLEASURE THEN.

FESTE

truly sir and pleasure will be paid one time or another

DUKE ORSINO

GIVE ME NOW LEAVE TO LEAVE THEE.

FESTE

now the melancholy god protect thee; and the tailor make thy doublet of changeable taffeta for thy mind is a very opal. i would have men of such constancy put to sea that their business might be every thing and their intent every where; for thats it that always makes a good voyage of nothing. farewell

(Exit)

DUKE ORSINO

LET ALL THE REST GIVE PLACE.

(CURIO and Attendants retire.)

(DN: Nepeta, exit stage left. Jane, take her place, but do not touch the chair. Aradia, wheel your xylophone offstage right.)

ONCE MORE, CESARIO, GET THEE TO YOND SAME SOVEREIGN CRUELTY: TELL HER, MY LOVE, MORE NOBLE THAN THE WORLD, PRIZES NOT QUANTITY OF DIRTY LANDS; THE PARTS THAT FORTUNE HATH BESTOW'D UPON HER, TELL HER, I HOLD AS GIDDILY AS FORTUNE; BUT 'TIS THAT MIRACLE AND QUEEN OF GEMS THAT NATURE PRANKS HER IN ATTRACTS MY SOUL.

VIOLA

But if she cannot love you, sir?

DUKE ORSINO

I CANNOT BE SO ANSWER'D.

VIOLA

Sooth, but you must. Say that some lady, as perhaps there is, Hath for your love a great a pang of heart As you have for Olivia: you cannot love her; You tell her so; must she not then be answer'd?

DUKE ORSINO

THERE IS NO WOMAN'S SIDES CAN BIDE THE BEATING OF SO STRONG A PASSION AS LOVE DOTH GIVE MY HEART; NO WOMAN'S HEART SO BIG, TO HOLD SO MUCH; THEY LACK RETENTION ALAS, THEIR LOVE MAY BE CALL'D APPETITE, NO MOTION OF THE LIVER, BUT THE PALATE, THAT SUFFER SURFEIT, CLOYMENT AND REVOLT; BUT MINE IS ALL AS HUNGRY AS THE SEA, AND CAN DIGEST AS MUCH: MAKE NO COMPARE BETWEEN THAT LOVE A WOMAN CAN BEAR ME AND THAT I OWE OLIVIA.

VIOLA

Ay, but I know--

DUKE ORSINO

WHAT DOST THOU KNOW?

VIOLA

Too well what love women to men may owe: In faith, they are as true of heart as we. My father had a daughter loved a man, As it might be, perhaps, were I a woman, I should your lordship.

DUKE ORSINO

AND WHAT'S HER HISTORY?

VIOLA

A blank, my lord. She never told her love, But let concealment, like a worm i' the bud, Feed on her damask cheek: she pined in thought, And with a green and yellow melancholy She sat like patience on a monument, Smiling at grief. Was not this love indeed? We men may say more, swear more: but indeed Our shows are more than will; for still we prove Much in our vows, but little in our love.

DUKE ORSINO

BUT DIED THY SISTER OF HER LOVE, MY BOY?

VIOLA

I am all the daughters of my father's house, And all the brothers too: and yet I know not. Sir, shall I to this lady?

DUKE ORSINO

AY, THAT'S THE THEME. TO HER IN HASTE; GIVE HER THIS JEWEL; SAY, MY LOVE CAN GIVE NO PLACE, BIDE NO DENAY.

(Exeunt.)

(DN: Jane, leave stage left. As soon as the lights come down, Karkat, hop out of the chair. Equius and Nepeta, grab the chair and take it away.)

[homestuckshakespeare]

Act 2, Scene 3

SCENE III. OLIVIA's house.

(DN: Feferi, the couch. Sollux, Terezi, the plants.)

Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and SIR ANDREW

(DN: From stage right. John, come out. When you're about a third of the way on, start your line. After hearing your character's name, Dirk, come on out.)

SIR TOBY BELCH

approach, sir andrew: not to be abed after midnight is to be up betimes; and 'diluculo surgere,' thou know'st,--

SIR ANDREW

Nay, my troth, I know not: but I know, to be up late is to be up late.

SIR TOBY BELCH

a false conclusion: i hate it as an unfilled can. to be up after midnight and to go to bed then, is early: so that to go to bed after midnight is to go to bed betimes. does not our life consist of the four elements?

SIR ANDREW

Faith, so they say; but I think it rather consists of eating and drinking.

SIR TOBY BELCH

thou'rt a scholar; let us therefore eat and drink. marian, i say! a stoup of wine!

Enter FESTE

(DN: Dave, get in from stage left.)

SIR ANDREW

Here comes the fool, i' faith.

FESTE

how now my hearts! did you never see the picture of we three???

(DN: Dave, at the end of your line, throw your arm around John and Dirk. John, when you start your line, try to dislodge him.)

SIR TOBY BELCH

welcome, ass. now let's have a catch.

SIR ANDREW

By my troth, the fool has an excellent breast. I had rather than forty shillings I had such a leg, and so sweet a breath to sing, as the fool has. In sooth, thou wast in very gracious fooling last night, when thou spokest of Pigrogromitus, of the Vapians passing the equinoctial of Queubus: 'twas very good, i' faith. I sent thee sixpence for thy leman: hadst it?

FESTE

i did impeticos thy gratillity for malvolios nose is no whipstock: my lady has a white hand and the myrmidons are no bottle-ale houses

SIR ANDREW

Excellent! why, this is the best fooling, when all is done. Now, a song.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Come on; there is sixpence for you: let's have a song.

SIR ANDREW

There's a testril of me too: if one knight give a--

(DN: Dave, the way you're cutting him off is fine. You can be a bit more physical.)

FESTE

would you have a love-song or a song of good life?

SIR TOBY BELCH

A love song, a love song.

SIR ANDREW

Ay, ay: I care not for good life.

FESTE

[Sings] o mistress mine where are you roaming o stay and hear; your true loves coming that can sing both high and low trip no further pretty sweeting; journeys end in lovers meeting every wise mans son doth know

SIR ANDREW

Excellent good, i' faith.

SIR TOBY BELCH

good, good.

FESTE

[Sings] what is love? tis not hereafter; present mirth hath present laughter; whats to come is still unsure: in delay there lies no plenty; then come kiss me sweet and twenty youths a stuff will not endure

SIR ANDREW

A mellifluous voice, as I am true knight.

SIR TOBY BELCH

a contagious breath.

SIR ANDREW

Very sweet and contagious, i' faith.

SIR TOBY BELCH

to hear by the nose, it is dulcet in contagion. but shall we make the welkin dance indeed? shall we rouse the night-owl in a catch that will draw three souls out of one weaver? shall we do that?

SIR ANDREW

An you love me, let's do't: I am dog at a catch.

FESTE

By'r lady sir and some dogs will catch well

SIR ANDREW

most certain. let our catch be, 'thou knave.'

FESTE

'hold thy peace thou knave,' knight? i shall be constrained in't to call thee knave, knight

SIR ANDREW

'Tis not the first time I have constrained one to call me knave. Begin, fool: it begins 'Hold thy peace.'

FESTE

i shall never begin if i hold my peace

SIR ANDREW

Good, i' faith. Come, begin.

Catch sung

(DN: MORE ON THIS LATER.)

Enter MARIA

(DN: Rose, you're coming in from stage right. Get up in their faces!)

MARIA

What a caterwauling do you keep here! If my lady have not called up her steward Malvolio and bid him turn you out of doors, never trust me.

SIR TOBY BELCH

my lady's a cataian, we are politicians, malvolio's a peg-a-ramsey, and 'three merry men be we.' am not i consanguineous? am i not of her blood? tillyvally. lady!

[Sings} 'there dwelt a man in babylon, lady, lady!'

FESTE

beshrew me the knight's in admirable fooling

SIR ANDREW

Ay, he does well enough if he be disposed, and so do I too: he does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural.

SIR TOBY BELCH

[Sings] 'o, the twelfth day of december,'--

MARIA

For the love o' God, peace!

Enter MALVOLIO

(DN: Eridan, march in there from stage right. Feel free to yawn, but you're very angry! John, cross to meet the challenge. Dirk, cower near Rose.)

MALVOLIO

my masters are you mad? or wwhat are you? havve ye no wwit manners nor honesty but to gabble like tinkers at this time of night? do ye make an alehouse of my ladys house that ye squeak out your coziers' catches wwithout any mitigation or remorse of vvoice? is there no respect of place persons nor time in you?

SIR TOBY BELCH

we did keep time, sir, in our catches. sneck up!

MALVOLIO

sir toby i must be round wwith you. my lady bade me tell you that though she harbors you as her kinsman shes nothing allied to your disorders. if you can separate yourself and your misdemeanors you are wwelcome to the house; if not an it wwould please you to take leavve of her she is vvery wwilling to bid you farewwell

SIR TOBY BELCH

'farewell, dear heart, since i must needs be gone.'

MARIA

Nay, good Sir Toby.

FESTE

'his eyes do show his days are almost done'

MALVOLIO

is't even so?

SIR TOBY BELCH

'but i will never die.'

FESTE

sir toby there you lie

MALVOLIO

this is much credit to you

SIR TOBY BELCH

'shall i bid him go?'

FESTE

'what an if you do???'

SIR TOBY BELCH

'shall i bid him go, and spare not?'

FESTE

'o no no no no you dare not'

SIR TOBY BELCH

out o' tune, sir: ye lie. art any more than a steward? dost thou think, because thou art virtuous, there shall be no more cakes and ale?

FESTE

yes by saint anne and ginger shall be hot i' the mouth too

SIR TOBY BELCH

thou'rt i' the right. go, sir, rub your chain with crumbs. a stoup of wine, maria!

(DN: Rose, shake your head sadly.)

MALVOLIO

mistress mary if you prized my ladys favvor at any thing more than contempt you wwould not givve means for this uncivvil rule: she shall knoww of it by this hand

Exit

(DN: Stage right. When you say "this hand," point up in the air and walk off that way. Rose, this next line waits until Eridan is all the way off. Maximum contempt!)

MARIA

Go shake your ears.

SIR ANDREW

'Twere as good a deed as to drink when a man's a-hungry, to challenge him the field, and then to break promise with him and make a fool of him.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Do't, knight: I'll write thee a challenge: or I'll deliver thy indignation to him by word of mouth.

MARIA

Sweet Sir Toby, be patient for tonight: since the youth of the count's was today with thy lady, she is much out of quiet. For Monsieur Malvolio, let me alone with him: if I do not gull him into a nayword, and make him a common recreation, do not think I have wit enough to lie straight in my bed: I know I can do it.

SIR TOBY BELCH

possess us, possess us; tell us something of him.

MARIA

Marry, sir, sometimes he is a kind of puritan.

SIR ANDREW

O, if I thought that I'ld beat him like a dog!

SIR TOBY BELCH

what, for being a puritan? thy exquisite reason, dear knight?

SIR ANDREW

I have no exquisite reason for't, but I have reason good enough.

MARIA

The devil a puritan that he is, or any thing constantly, but a time-pleaser; an affectioned ass, that cons state without book and utters it by great swarths: the best persuaded of himself, so crammed, as he thinks, with excellencies, that it is his grounds of faith that all that look on him love him; and on that vice in him will my revenge find notable cause to work.

SIR TOBY BELCH

what wilt thou do?

MARIA

I will drop in his way some obscure epistles of love; wherein, by the colour of his beard, the shape of his leg, the manner of his gait, the expressure of his eye, forehead, and complexion, he shall find himself most feelingly personated. I can write very like my lady your niece: on a forgotten matter we can hardly make distinction of our hands.

SIR TOBY BELCH

excellent! i smell a device.

SIR ANDREW

I have't in my nose too.

SIR TOBY BELCH

he shall think, by the letters that thou wilt drop, that they come from my niece, and that she's in love with him.

MARIA

My purpose is, indeed, a horse of that colour.

SIR ANDREW

And your horse now would make him an ass.

MARIA

Ass, I doubt not.

SIR ANDREW

O, 'twill be admirable!

MARIA

Sport royal, I warrant you: I know my physic will work with him. I will plant you two, and let the fool make a third, where he shall find the letter: observe his construction of it. For this night, to bed, and dream on the event. Farewell.

Exit

(DN: Stage right.)

SIR TOBY BELCH

good night, penthesilea.

SIR ANDREW

Before me, she's a good wench.

SIR TOBY BELCH

she's a beagle, true-bred, and one that adores me: what o' that?

SIR ANDREW

I was adored once too.

SIR TOBY BELCH

let's to bed, knight. thou hadst need send for more money.

SIR ANDREW

If I cannot recover your niece, I am a foul way out.

SIR TOBY BELCH

send for money, knight: if thou hast her not i' the end, call me cut.

SIR ANDREW

If I do not, never trust me, take it how you will.

SIR TOBY BELCH

come, come, i'll go burn some sack; 'tis too late to go to bed now: come, knight; come, knight.

Exeunt

(Stage left. Feferi, the couch. Sollux, Terezi, the plants.)

[homestuckshakespeare]

Act 2, Scene 2

SCENE II. A street.

Enter VIOLA, MALVOLIO following

(DN: You know that big fake tree we have? We're putting it out in the center of the stage, but slightly right. Feferi, Equius, the two of you work together to get it out. Jane, you're coming in from stage left upstage. Walk around. Trace a curved path. Eridan, sprint out of the same place to catch her when she's right and down of the tree. Eridan, you are panting and huffing. Jane, you are confused.)

MALVOLIO

wwere not you evven noww wwith the countess olivvia?

VIOLA

Even now, sir; on a moderate pace I have since arrived but hither.

(DN: Eridan, move to speak, then put your hands on your knees and breathe heavily. When you've got your breath, stand upright and look official. Give the line with irritation.)

MALVOLIO

she returns this ring to you sir: you might havve savved me my pains to have taken it away yourself. she adds moreovver that you should put your lord into a desperate assurance she will none of him: and one thing more, that you be never so hardy to come again in his affairs unless it be to report your lord's taking of this. receivve it so

(DN: Jane, back up. He is being weird.)

VIOLA

She took the ring of me: I'll none of it.

MALVOLIO

come sir you peevvishly threw it to her; and her wwill is it should be so returned: if it be wworth stooping for, there it lies in your eye; if not be it his that finds it

(DN: Eridan, drop the ring. MAKE SURE IT DOESN'T FALL OFF THE STAGE.)

Exit

(DN: Stage left, wherever. Jane, pick up the ring as he leaves and marvel at it.)

VIOLA

I left no ring with her: what means this lady? Fortune forbid my outside have not charm'd her! She made good view of me; indeed, so much, That sure methought her eyes had lost her tongue, For she did speak in starts distractedly. She loves me, sure; the cunning of her passion Invites me in this churlish messenger. None of my lord's ring! why, he sent her none. I am the man: if it be so, as 'tis, Poor lady, she were better love a dream. Disguise, I see, thou art a wickedness, Wherein the pregnant enemy does much. How easy is it for the proper-false In women's waxen hearts to set their forms! Alas, our frailty is the cause, not we! For such as we are made of, such we be. How will this fadge? my master loves her dearly; And I, poor monster, fond as much on him; And she, mistaken, seems to dote on me. What will become of this? As I am man, My state is desperate for my master's love; As I am woman,--now alas the day!-- What thriftless sighs shall poor Olivia breathe! O time! thou must untangle this, not I; It is too hard a knot for me to untie!

Exit

(DN: Stage right. Equius, Nepeta, strike the tree.)

[homestuckshakespeare]

Act 2, Scene 1

SCENE I. The sea-coast.

Enter ANTONIO and SEBASTIAN

(DN: Set for this is our three rocks again. You remember the configuration. Terezi, you've got the biggest rock. John, Dirk, take the smaller rocks. Vriska, Jake, you're coming in from stage right and walking stage left. Be as far downstage as you can.)

ANTONIO

Will you stay no longer? nor will you not that I go with you?

SEBASTIAN

By your patience, no. My stars shine darkly over me: the malignancy of my fate might perhaps distemper yours; therefore I shall crave of you your leave that I may bear my evils alone: it were a bad recompense for your love, to lay any of them on you.

ANTONIO

Let me yet know of you whither you are bound.

SEBASTIAN

No, sooth, sir: my determinate voyage is mere extravagancy. But I perceive in you so excellent a touch of modesty, that you will not extort from me what I am willing to keep in; therefore it charges me in manners the rather to express myself. You must know of me then, Antonio, my name is Sebastian, which I called Roderigo. My father was that Sebastian of Messaline, whom I know you have heard of. He left behind him myself and a sister, both born in an hour: if the heavens had been pleased, would we had so ended! but you, sir, altered that; for some hour before you took me from the breach of the sea was my sister drowned.

ANTONIO

Alas the day!

(DN: Jake, begin to cry as you talk about what happened to your sister. Do not reach for a handkerchief. Vriska, you are sympathetic to his tragedy. Hand on shoulder time.)

SEBASTIAN

A lady, sir, though it was said she much resembled me, was yet of many accounted beautiful: but, though I could not with such estimable wonder overfar believe that, yet thus far I will boldly publish her; she bore a mind that envy could not but call fair. She is drowned already, sir, with salt water, though I seem to drown her remembrance again with more.

ANTONIO

Pardon me, sir, your bad entertainment.

SEBASTIAN

O good Antonio, forgive me your trouble.

ANTONIO

If you will not murder me for my love, let me be your servant.

SEBASTIAN

If you will not undo what you have done, that is, kill him whom you have recovered, desire it not. Fare ye well at once: my bosom is full of kindness, and I am yet so near the manners of my mother, that upon the least occasion more mine eyes will tell tales of me. I am bound to the Count Orsino's court: farewell.

Exit

(DN: Stage left.)

ANTONIO

The gentleness of all the gods go with thee! I have many enemies in Orsino's court, Else would I very shortly see thee there. But, come what may, I do adore thee so, That danger shall seem sport, and I will go.

Exit

(DN: Run off stage left. Go catch the boy! When the lights go down, same crew moves the rocks offstage.)

[homestuckshakespeare]

Act 1, Scene 5

SCENE V. OLIVIA'S house.

(Director's Note: Feferi, you've got couch duty. Same configuration as earlier: right in the center of the stage. Nepeta, Equius, each of you grab a plant from stage left and get 'em by the couch.)

Enter MARIA and FESTE

(Director's Note: NOPE, not doing that. Dave, as soon as the couch is out, lie on it. Rose, you enter from stage left. Equius, Nepeta, stay out of her way!)

MARIA

Nay, either tell me where thou hast been, or I will not open my lips so wide as a bristle may enter in way of thy excuse: my lady will hang thee for thy absence.

(Director's Note: Dave, this is when you get up. For the "well hanged," that pelvic thrust you're doing is good. The two of you, hang out upstage slightly left.)

FESTE

let her hang me: he that is well hanged in this world needs to fear no colours

MARIA

Make that good.

FESTE

he shall see none to fear

MARIA

A good lenten answer: I can tell thee where that saying was born, of 'I fear no colours.'

FESTE

where, good mistress mary

MARIA

In the wars; and that may you be bold to say in your foolery.

FESTE

well god give them wisdom that have it; and those that are fools let them use their talents

(D.N.: Dave, low bow. If your hair touches the floor, you're doing it right.)

MARIA

Yet you will be hanged for being so long absent; or, to be turned away, is not that as good as a hanging to you?

FESTE

many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage; and for turning away let summer bear it out

MARIA

You are resolute, then?

(D.N.: Dave, go lie on the couch again. Hold up two fingers before saying the word "two.)

FESTE

not so neither; but i am resolved on two points

MARIA

That if one break, the other will hold; or, if both break, your gaskins fall.

(D.N.: Dave, laugh and get up. Aim stage right this time.)

FESTE

apt in good faith very apt. well, go thy way; if sir toby would leave drinking thou wert as witty a piece of eve's flesh as any in illyria

MARIA

Peace, you rogue, no more o' that. Here comes my lady: make your excuse wisely, you were best.

Exit

(DN: Go stage-right, Rose.)

FESTE

it an't be thy will put me into good fooling. those wits that think they have thee do very oft prove fools and i that am sure i lack thee may pass for a wise man: for what says quinapalus 'better a witty fool than a foolish wit.'

Enter OLIVIA with MALVOLIO

(D.N.: Everyone''s coming in from stage left this time. Roxy, Feferi, you're with Kanaya here. Dave, bow and retreat, walking backward stage right. Eridan, you just sort of hang around. Kanaya and Eridan stop slightly left of center-stage.)

god bless thee lady

OLIVIA

Take The Fool Away

(D.N.: Roxy, Feferi, move to grab Dave. When he responds with his line, stop and turn to Kanaya.)

FESTE

do you not hear fellows? take away the lady

(DN: Kanaya, at "besides," begin crossing to the couch, and sit down primly when you're done. Eridan, follow her and stand on the stage left side of the couch. That "just licked a lemon" look you've got going is ideal. Dave, follow Kanaya as best you can, and cross your arms and lean on the stage right arm rest.)

OLIVIA

Go To, Youre A Dry Fool; I'll No More Of You: Besides You Grow Dishonest

(DN: Dave, hold up two fingers again so that the audience can see them. Do any gesturing with your right hand. Mime bottles, dismissal, what have you. At "if it will not," shrug enough that you're off the couch entirely. Gesture emphatically for your last pair of lines. Kanaya, as he gets going, giggle.)

FESTE

two faults madonna that drink and good counsel will amend: for give the dry fool drink then is the fool not dry: bid the dishonest man mend himself; if he mend he is no longer dishonest; if he cannot let the botcher mend him. any thing thats mended is but patched: virtue that transgresses is but patched with sin; and sin that amends is but patched with virtue. if that this simple syllogism will serve so; if it will not what remedy? as there is no true cuckold but calamity so beauty's a flower. the lady bade take away the fool; therefore i say again take her away

OLIVIA

Sir I Bade Them Take Away You

FESTE

misprision in the highest degree! Lady cucullus non facit monachum; thats as much to say as i wear not motley in my brain. good madonna give me leave to prove you a fool

OLIVIA

Can You Do It

FESTE

dexterously good madonna

OLIVIA

Make Your Proof

FESTE

i must catechise you for it madonna good my mouse of virtue answer me

OLIVIA

Well Sir For Want Of Other Idleness I'll Bide Your Proof

FESTE

good madonna why mournest thou???

(DN: Kanaya, I like the way you're saying this line sadly. It suits you.)

OLIVIA

Good Fool For My Brother's Death

FESTE

i think his soul is in hell madonna

OLIVIA

I Know His Soul Is In Heaven Fool

FESTE

the more fool madonna to mourn for your brother's soul being in heaven. take away the fool gentlemen

(DN: Roxy, move toward the couch. Feferi, grab her shoulder and shake your head.)

OLIVIA

What Think You Of This Fool Malvolio? Doth He Not Mend

MALVOLIO

yes and shall do till the pangs of death shake him: infirmity that decays the wwise doth evver make the better fool

FESTE

god send you sir a speedy infirmity for the better increasing your folly! sir toby will be sworn that i am no fox but he will not pass his word for two pence that you are no fool

OLIVIA

How Say You To That Malvolio?

MALVOLIO

i marvvel your ladyship takes delight in such a barren rascal: i saw him put down the other day with an ordinary fool that has no more brain than a stone. look you now hes out of his guard already; unless you laugh and minister occasion to him he is gagged. i protest i take these wwise men that croww so at these set kind of fools no better than the fools' zanies

(DN: Dave, your reaction to this goes from stunned shock to actual rage. This is your motivation for the rest of the play. Make a show of it. Kanaya, for this next bit, you don't notice how angry Dave is and respond somewhat fondly to Eridan. Dave, when she's done, kiss up to her while glaring at Eridan.)

OLIVIA

Oh You Are Sick Of SelfLove Malvolio And Taste With A Distempered Appetite. To Be Generous Guiltless And Of Free Disposition Is To Take Those Things For Bird-Bolts That You Deem Cannonbullets: There Is No Slander In An Allowed Fool Though He Do Nothing But Rail Nor No Railing In A Known Discreet Man Though He Do Nothing But Reprove

FESTE

now mercury endue thee with leasing for thou speakest well of fools

Re-enter MARIA

(DN: From stage left again, Rose.)

MARIA

Madam, there is at the gate a young gentleman much desires to speak with you.

(DN: Kanaya, jump up. This is not happy news.)

OLIVIA

From The Count Orsino Is It

MARIA

I know not, madam: 'tis a fair young man, and well attended.

OLIVIA

Who Of My People Hold Him In Delay?

MARIA

Sir Toby, madam, your kinsman.

(DN: Kanaya, this is very bad news. You are desperate!)

OLIVIA

Fetch Him Off I Pray You; He Speaks Nothing But Madman: Fie On Him

Exit MARIA

(DN: Exit stage left.)

Go You Malvolio: If It Be A Suit From The Count I Am Sick Or Not At Home; What You Will To Dismiss It

Exit MALVOLIO

(DN: Also stage left. It's gonna get crowded back there.)

Now You See Sir How Your Fooling Grows Old And People Dislike It

FESTE

thou hast spoke for us madonna as if thy eldest son should be a fool; whose skull jove cram with brains! For … here he comes … one of thy kin has a most weak pia mater

Enter SIR TOBY BELCH

(DN: From stage left. Feferi, Roxy, you've got to keep the right side of the stage interesting. Not center of attention, but real. John, you are staggering, waving the bottle of "purple drank" around like a madman.)

OLIVIA

By Mine Honour Half Drunk. What Is He At The Gate Cousin

SIR TOBY BELCH

a gentleman.

OLIVIA

A Gentleman! What Gentleman

(DN: John, you burp as loudly as you can, using whatever aid you want. Dave, Kanaya, your response is disgust. It smells bad.)

SIR TOBY BELCH

'tis a gentle man here--a plague o' these pickle-herring! how now, sot!

FESTE

good sir toby!

OLIVIA

Cousin Cousin How Have You Come So Early By This Lethargy

(DN: John, you remember in the middle of your line what you're here for. Change your pose as much as you can. Kanaya, you are exasperated.)

SIR TOBY BELCH

lechery! i defy lechery. there's one at the gate.

OLIVIA

Ay Marry What Is He

SIR TOBY BELCH

let him be the devil, an he will, i care not: give me faith, say i. well, it's all one.

Exit

(DN: Stage left, John. Stagger off. Pretend to drink at least once. Kanaya, you are tired and worried. Sink back down on the couch. Dave, you are conciliatory. You want her to feel better.)

OLIVIA

Whats A Drunken Man Like Fool

FESTE

like a drowned man a fool and a mad man: one draught above heat makes him a fool; the second mads him; and a third drowns him

OLIVIA

Go Thou And Seek The Crowner And Let Him Sit O My Coz For Hes In The Third Degree Of Drink Hes Drowned: Go Look After Him

FESTE

he is but mad yet madonna; and the fool shall look to the madman

Exit

(DN: Dave, go left. Pat her on the shoulder before you go. Eridan, you're coming in from stage left. Crash into Dave. You are angry and confused when you talk to Kanaya.)

Re-enter MALVOLIO

MALVOLIO

madam yond young felloww swwears he wwill speak wwith you. i told him you wwere sick; he takes on him to understand so much and therefore comes to speak wwith you. i told him you wwere asleep; he seems to havve a foreknowwledge of that too and therefore comes to speak wwith you. wwhat is to be said to him lady? hes fortified against any denial.

OLIVIA

Tell Him He Shall Not Speak With Me

MALVOLIO

has been told so; and he says he'll stand at your door like a sheriff's post and be the supporter to a bench but he'll speak wwith you

OLIVIA

What Kind O Man Is He

(DN: Eridan, you are completely oblivious to her frustration.)

MALVOLIO

wwhy of mankind

OLIVIA

What Manner Of Man

MALVOLIO

of vvery ill manner; he'll speak wwith you wwill you or no

OLIVIA

Of What Personage And Years Is He

MALVOLIO

not yet old enough for a man nor young enough for a boy; as a squash is before tis a peascod or a cooling wwhen 'tis almost an apple: tis wwith him in standing wwater betwween boy and man. he is vvery wwell-favvored and he speaks vvery shrewwishly; one wwould think his mother's milk wwere scarce out of him

OLIVIA

Let Him Approach: Call In My Gentlewoman

MALVOLIO

gentlewwoman, my lady calls

Exit

(DN: Eridan, you yell your line before you're offstage. It's a joke. You leave stage left, and Rose enters stage left. Swerve around each other.)

Re-enter MARIA

(DN: From stage left, carrying four veils. Rose, you know what's up.)

OLIVIA

Give Me My Veil: Come, Throw It Oer My Face We'll Once More Hear Orsinos Embassy

Enter VIOLA, and Attendants

(DN: By attendants, we mean Tavros, Nepeta, and Equius. You are going to hang out in the background and look nice. Rose, you're going to put veils on yourself, Kanaya, Feferi, and Roxy. You're all going to sit on the couch. It will be a tight fit. Jane, approach the couch and stop upstage left of it. Get down on one knee, and then look really confused.)

VIOLA

The honorable lady of the house, which is she?

OLIVIA

Speak To Me I Shall Answer For Her Your Will

(DN: Jane, direct your "I pray you" at Feferi. Fef, shrug like you honestly don't know which of you it is.)

VIOLA

Most radiant, exquisite and unmatchable beauty,--I pray you, tell me if this be the lady of the house, for I never saw her: I would be loath to cast away my speech, for besides that it is excellently well penned, I have taken great pains to con it. Good beauties let me sustain no scorn; I am very comptible, even to the least sinister usage.

OLIVIA

Whence Came You Sir

VIOLA

I can say little more than I have studied, and that question's out of my part. Good gentle one, give me modest assurance if you be the lady of the house, that I may proceed in my speech.

OLIVIA

Are You A Comedian

VIOLA

No, my profound heart: and yet, by the very fangs of malice I swear, I am not that I play. Are you the lady of the house?

OLIVIA

If I Do Not Usurp Myself I Am

(DN: Kanaya, stand up when Jane says "yourself." Roxy, Feferi, Rose, remove your veils.)

VIOLA

Most certain, if you are she, you do usurp yourself; for what is yours to bestow is not yours to reserve. But this is from my commission: I will on with my speech in your praise, and then show you the heart of my message.

OLIVIA

Come To What Is Important In't I Forgive You The Praise

VIOLA

Alas, I took great pains to study it, and 'tis poetical.

OLIVIA

It Is The More Like To Be Feigned: I Pray You Keep It In. I Heard You Were Saucy At My Gates And Allowed Your Approach Rather To Wonder At You Than To Hear You. If You Be Not Mad Be Gone If You Have Reason Be Brief: Tis Not That Time Of Moon With Me To Make One In So Skipping A Dialogue

(DN: Rose, stand up at "be gone" and cross to Jane. When it's your turn, grab her shoulders and wheelbarrow her away. Jane, resist.)

MARIA

Will you hoist sail, sir? here lies your way.

(DN: Jane, at "hull," wheel about and cross back to Kanaya. Indicate Rose for "giant," and sound angry about it! Become sympathetic at the end.)

VIOLA

No, good swabber; I am to hull here a little longer. Some mollification for your giant, sweet lady. Tell me your mind: I am a messenger.

OLIVIA

Sure You Have Some Hideous Matter To Deliver When The Courtesy Of It Is So Fearful. Speak Your Office

VIOLA

It alone concerns your ear. I bring no overture of war, no taxation of homage: I hold the olive in my hand; my words are as fun of peace as matter.

OLIVIA

Yet You Began Rudely. What Are You? What Would You?

VIOLA

The rudeness that hath appeared in me have I learned from my entertainment. What I am, and what I would, are as secret as maidenhead; to your ears, divinity, to any other's, profanation.

(DN: Rose, Roxy, Feferi, you are affronted and shocked by Jane's accusation of rudeness!)

OLIVIA

Give Us The Place Alone: We Will Hear This Divinity

Exeunt MARIA and Attendants

(DN: Stage right  for Feferi and Roxy, who are still on the couch. Rose, go left. Equius and Nepeta, follow Rose. Tavros, pretend to leave, but stay onstage and react to everything you hear.)

Now Sir What Is Your Text?

VIOLA

Most sweet lady,--

OLIVIA

A Comfortable Doctrine And Much May Be Said Of It Where Lies Your Text

VIOLA

In Orsino's bosom.

OLIVIA

In His Bosom? In What Chapter Of His Bosom

VIOLA

To answer by the method, in the first of his heart.

OLIVIA

O I Have Read It: It Is Heresy. Have You No More To Say

VIOLA

Good madam, let me see your face.

OLIVIA

Have You Any Commission From Your Lord To Negotiate With My Face? You Are Now Out Of Your Text But We Will Draw The Curtain And Show You The Picture. Look You Sir Such A One I Was This Present: Ist Not Well Done

Unveiling

VIOLA

Excellently done, if God did all.

(DN: Tavros, be utterly in awe of her beauty.)

OLIVIA

Tis In Grain Sir; Twill Endure Wind And Weather

VIOLA

'Tis beauty truly blent, whose red and white Nature's own sweet and cunning hand laid on: Lady, you are the cruell'st she alive, If you will lead these graces to the grave And leave the world no copy.

OLIVIA

O Sir I Will Not Be So Hard-Hearted; I Will Give Out Divers Schedules Of My Beauty: It Shall Be Inventoried And Every Particle And Utensil Labelled To My Will As Item Two Lips Indifferent Red Item Two Grey Eyes With Lids To Them Item One Neck One Chin And So Forth. Were You Sent Hither To Praise Me

VIOLA

I see you what you are, you are too proud; But, if you were the devil, you are fair. My lord and master loves you: O, such love Could be but recompensed, though you were crown'd The nonpareil of beauty!

OLIVIA

How Does He Love Me

VIOLA

With adorations, fertile tears, With groans that thunder love, with sighs of fire.

OLIVIA

Your Lord Does Know My Mind; I Cannot Love Him Yet I Suppose Him Virtuous Know Him Noble Of Great Estate Of Fresh And Stainless Youth In Voices Well Divulged Free Learnd And Valiant And In Dimension And The Shape Of Nature A Gracious Person: But Yet I Cannot Love Him He Might Have Took His Answer Long Ago

VIOLA

If I did love you in my master's flame, With such a suffering, such a deadly life, In your denial I would find no sense; I would not understand it.

OLIVIA

Why What Would You

(DN: Jane, this is your chance! Make her fall in love with you by the passion of your love!)

VIOLA

Make me a willow cabin at your gate, And call upon my soul within the house; Write loyal cantons of contemned love And sing them loud even in the dead of night; Halloo your name to the reverberate hills And make the babbling gossip of the air Cry out 'Olivia!' O, You should not rest Between the elements of air and earth, But you should pity me!

(DN: Kanaya, you are now in love with Jane. Congratulations.)

OLIVIA

You Might Do Much What Is Your Parentage

VIOLA

Above my fortunes, yet my state is well: I am a gentleman.

(DN: Kanaya, the "unless" is your realization that you can manipulate Orsino to get more time with Jane. Be crafty! Jane, you are not about it.)

OLIVIA

Get You To Your Lord I Cannot Love Him: Let Him Send No More Unless Perchance You Come To Me Again To Tell Me How He Takes It. Fare You Well I Thank You For Your Pains: Spend This For Me

VIOLA

I am no fee'd post, lady; keep your purse: My master, not myself, lacks recompense. Love make his heart of flint that you shall love; And let your fervor, like my master's, be Placed in contempt! Farewell, fair cruelty.

Exit

(DN: Jane, go stage left. Tavros, wheel off at your best speed as soon as you realize she is going to go. Kanaya, you now begin bouncing between excitement and self-control. Let yourself get carried away!)

OLIVIA

'What Is Your Parentage' 'Above My Fortunes Yet My State Is Well I Am A Gentleman' I'll Be Sworn Thou Art Thy Tongue Thy Face Thy Limbs Actions And Spirit Do Give Thee FiveFold Blazon: Not Too Fast Soft Soft Unless The Master Were The Man. How Now Even So Quickly May One Catch The Plague Methinks I Feel This Youths Perfections With An Invisible And Subtle Stealth To Creep In At Mine Eyes. Well Let It Be What Ho Malvolio

Re-enter MALVOLIO

(DN: From stage right.)

MALVOLIO

here madam at your servvice

(DN: Kanaya, you improvise the bit with the ring. Pull it off your finger.)

OLIVIA

Run After That Same Peevish Messenger The Countys Man: He Left This Ring Behind Him Would I Or Not: Tell Him I'll None Of It Desire Him Not To Flatter With His Lord Nor Hold Him Up With Hopes; I Am Not For Him If That The Youth Will Come This Way To-Morrow I'll Give Him Reasons For't: Hie Thee Malvolio

MALVOLIO

madam i wwill

Exit

(DN: Stage right.)

OLIVIA

I Do I Know Not What And Fear To Find Mine Eye Too Great A Flatterer For My Mind Fate Show Thy Force Ourselves We Do Not Owe What Is Decreed Must Be And Be This So

Exit

(DN: Stage left. Feferi, come back in and strike the couch. Equius and Nepeta, nab the potted plants.)

[homestuckshakespeare]

Act 1, Scene 4

SCENE IV. DUKE ORSINO's palace.

(Director's Note: I want the Big Chair right in the middle of the right half of the stage. Very visible, obviously not meant to be interacted with.)

Enter VALENTINE and VIOLA in man's attire

VALENTINE

D --> If the duke continue these favors towards you, Cesario, you are like to be much advanced: he hath known you but three days, and already you are no stranger

VIOLA

You either fear his humor or my negligence, that you call in question the continuance of his love: is he inconstant, sir, in his favors?

VALENTINE

D --> No, believe me

VIOLA

I thank you. Here comes the count.

Enter DUKE ORSINO, CURIO, and Attendants

(Director's Notes: Aradia, Tavros, you are attendants. Nepeta, as soon as the Duke sees Cesvio, run over to Equius and hug him. This will give the audience something to look at while they cross.)

DUKE ORSINO

WHO SAW CESARIO, HO?

VIOLA

On your attendance, my lord; here.

DUKE ORSINO

STAND YOU A WHILE ALOOF, CESARIO, THOU KNOW'ST NO LESS BUT ALL; I HAVE UNCLASP'D TO THEE THE BOOK EVEN OF MY SECRET SOUL: THEREFORE, GOOD YOUTH, ADDRESS THY GAIT UNTO HER; BE NOT DENIED ACCESS, STAND AT HER DOORS, AND TELL THEM, THERE THY FIXED FOOT SHALL GROW TILL THOU HAVE AUDIENCE.

VIOLA

Sure, my noble lord, If she be so abandon'd to her sorrow As it is spoke, she never will admit me.

DUKE ORSINO

BE CLAMOROUS AND LEAP ALL CIVIL BOUNDS RATHER THAN MAKE UNPROFITED RETURN.

VIOLA

Say I do speak with her, my lord, what then?

DUKE ORSINO

O, THEN UNFOLD THE PASSION OF MY LOVE, SURPRISE HER WITH DISCOURSE OF MY DEAR FAITH: IT SHALL BECOME THEE WELL TO ACT MY WOES; SHE WILL ATTEND IT BETTER IN THY YOUTH THAN IN A NUNCIO'S OF MORE GRAVE ASPECT.

VIOLA

I think not so, my lord.

DUKE ORSINO

DEAR LAD, BELIEVE IT; FOR THEY SHALL YET BELIE THY HAPPY YEARS, THAT SAY THOU ART A MAN: DIANA'S LIP IS NOT MORE SMOOTH AND RUBIOUS; THY SMALL PIPE IS AS THE MAIDEN'S ORGAN, SHRILL AND SOUND, AND ALL IS SEMBLATIVE A WOMAN'S PART. I KNOW THY CONSTELLATION IS RIGHT APT FOR THIS AFFAIR. SOME FOUR OR FIVE ATTEND HIM; ALL, IF YOU WILL; FOR I MYSELF AM BEST WHEN LEAST IN COMPANY. PROSPER WELL IN THIS, AND THOU SHALT LIVE AS FREELY AS THY LORD, TO CALL HIS FORTUNES THINE.

VIOLA

I'll do my best To woo your lady:

(Aside)

yet, a barful strife! Whoe'er I woo, myself would be his wife.

Exeunt

(Director's Note: Equius, piggy-back Nepeta and carry her offstage that way. Get her up as soon as Jane stops speaking; it's a joke. Karkat and Aradia, strike the chair as soon as the lights come down.)

[homestuckshakespeare]

Act 1, Scene 3

SCENE III. OLIVIA'S house.

(Director's note: Our set for this is our long couch flanked by potted plants. You know, the artificial ones with the big leaves. Equius, the couch is yours. Rose, take one of the plants. Dirk, take the other. You're on-deck anyhow.)

Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA

(Director's note: Ha ha, no. Rose, you start on-stage. You've got a feather-duster. Look busy. Dust some plants! John, you need your jug. Remember, it's only clear plastic, and it's full of... what are you kids calling that stuff? It's knock-off grape Faygo (thanks again, Gamzee!) and it tastes like cough syrup... oh, that's right. Purple Drank. Anyway, John, that stuff stains, and it makes the set smell bad. Don't slam the jug, and for the love of God don't unseal it. Be careful with your actions, and, uh, "don't drink the Drank." You come in falling-down drunk and staggering!)

SIR TOBY BELCH

what a plague means my niece, to take the death of her brother thus? i am sure care's an enemy to life.

MARIA

By my troth, Sir Toby, you must come in earlier o' nights: your cousin, my lady, takes great exceptions to your ill hours.

SIR TOBY BELCH

why, let her except, before excepted.

MARIA

Ay, but you must confine yourself within the modest limits of order.

(Director's note: Rose, you start dusting John. Sell us on it; this is a comedy! John, don't be afraid to gesture. Make Rose take the jug if you have to.)

SIR TOBY BELCH

confine! i'll confine myself no finer than i am: these clothes are good enough to drink in; and so be these boots too: an they be not, let them hang themselves in their own straps.

MARIA

That quaffing and drinking will undo you: I heard my lady talk of it yesterday; and of a foolish knight that you brought in one night here to be her wooer.

SIR TOBY BELCH

who, sir andrew aguecheek?

MARIA

Ay, he.

SIR TOBY BELCH

he's as tall a man as any's in illyria.

MARIA

What's that to the purpose?

SIR TOBY BELCH

why, he has three thousand ducats a year.

MARIA

Ay, but he'll have but a year in all these ducats: he's a very fool and a prodigal.

SIR TOBY BELCH

fie, that you'll say so! he plays o' the viol-de-gamboys, and speaks three or four languages word for word without book, and hath all the good gifts of nature.

(Director's note: I want a pelvic thrust on "good gifts." The audience is not familiar with dirty Shakespeare jokes, so you've got to telegraph this bit. Rose, I like the dry humor you're bringing to this. Keep it up!)

MARIA

He hath indeed, almost natural: for besides that he's a fool, he's a great quarreller: and but that he hath the gift of a coward to allay the gust he hath in quarrelling, 'tis thought among the prudent he would quickly have the gift of a grave.

SIR TOBY BELCH

by this hand, they are scoundrels and subtractors that say so of him. who are they?

MARIA

They that add, moreover, he's drunk nightly in your company.

SIR TOBY BELCH

with drinking healths to my niece: i'll drink to her as long as there is a passage in my throat and drink in illyria: he's a coward and a coystrill that will not drink to my niece till his brains turn o' the toe like a parish-top. what, wench! castiliano vulgo! for here comes sir andrew agueface.

Enter SIR ANDREW

SIR ANDREW

Sir Toby Belch! how now, Sir Toby Belch!

SIR TOBY BELCH

sweet sir andrew!

SIR ANDREW

Bless you, fair shrew.

MARIA

And you too, sir.

SIR TOBY BELCH

accost, sir andrew, accost.

SIR ANDREW

What's that?

SIR TOBY BELCH

my niece's chambermaid.

SIR ANDREW

Good Mistress Accost, I desire better acquaintance.

MARIA

My name is Mary, sir.

SIR ANDREW

Good Mistress Mary Accost,--

SIR TOBY BELCH

you mistake, knight; 'accost' is front her, board her, woo her, assail her.

SIR ANDREW

By my troth, I would not undertake her in this company. Is that the meaning of 'accost'?

MARIA

Fare you well, gentlemen.

SIR TOBY BELCH

an thou let part so, sir andrew, would thou mightst never draw sword again.

(John, it pains me to say this, but you have to gesture to your crotch. I'm not kidding; you've got to telegraph all of this.)

SIR ANDREW

An you part so, mistress, I would I might never draw sword again. Fair lady, do you think you have fools in hand?

MARIA

Sir, I have not you by the hand.

SIR ANDREW

Marry, but you shall have; and here's my hand.

MARIA

Now, sir, 'thought is free:' I pray you, bring your hand to the buttery-bar and let it drink.

SIR ANDREW

Wherefore, sweet-heart? what's your metaphor?

MARIA

It's dry, sir.

SIR ANDREW

Why, I think so: I am not such an ass but I can keep my hand dry. But what's your jest?

MARIA

A dry jest, sir.

SIR ANDREW

Are you full of them?

MARIA

Ay, sir, I have them at my fingers' ends: marry, now I let go your hand, I am barren.

Exit

SIR TOBY BELCH

o knight thou lackest a cup of canary: when did i see thee so put down?

(Director's note: John, make him take the jug. Dirk, refuse the jug for as long as the joke holds.)

SIR ANDREW

Never in your life, I think; unless you see canary put me down. Methinks sometimes I have no more wit than a Christian or an ordinary man has: but I am a great eater of beef and I believe that does harm to my wit.

SIR TOBY BELCH

no question.

SIR ANDREW

An I thought that, I'ld forswear it. I'll ride home to-morrow, Sir Toby.

SIR TOBY BELCH

pourquoi, my dear knight?

SIR ANDREW

What is 'Pourquoi'? do or not do? I would I had bestowed that time in the tongues that I have in fencing, dancing and bear-baiting: O, had I but followed the arts!

SIR TOBY BELCH

then hadst thou had an excellent head of hair.

SIR ANDREW

Why, would that have mended my hair?

SIR TOBY BELCH

past question; for thou seest it will not curl by nature.

SIR ANDREW

But it becomes me well enough, does't not?

SIR TOBY BELCH

excellent; it hangs like flax on a distaff; and i hope to see a housewife take thee between her legs and spin it off.

(Director's note: I'm so sorry, John. I'm not sure what to tell you here. That said, feel free to laugh at your own joke.)

SIR ANDREW

Faith, I'll home to-morrow, Sir Toby: your niece will not be seen; or if she be, it's four to one she'll none of me: the count himself here hard by woos her.

SIR TOBY BELCH

she'll none o' the count: she'll not match above her degree, neither in estate, years, nor wit; i have heard her swear't. tut, there's life in't, man.

SIR ANDREW

I'll stay a month longer. I am a fellow o' the strangest mind i' the world; I delight in masques and revels sometimes altogether.

SIR TOBY BELCH

art thou good at these kickshawses, knight?

SIR ANDREW

As any man in Illyria, whatsoever he be, under the degree of my betters; and yet I will not compare with an old man.

SIR TOBY BELCH

what is thy excellence in a galliard, knight?

SIR ANDREW

Faith, I can cut a caper.

SIR TOBY BELCH

and i can cut the mutton to't.

SIR ANDREW

And I think I have the back-trick simply as strong as any man in Illyria.

(Director's note: Backflip, Dirk! Show us your stuff!)

SIR TOBY BELCH

wherefore are these things hid? wherefore have these gifts a curtain before 'em? are they like to take dust, like mistress mall's picture? why dost thou not go to church in a galliard and come home in a coranto? my very walk should be a jig; i would not so much as make water but in a sink-a-pace. what dost thou mean? is it a world to hide virtues in? i did think, by the excellent constitution of thy leg, it was formed under the star of a galliard.

SIR ANDREW

Ay, 'tis strong, and it does indifferent well in a flame-coloured stock. Shall we set about some revels?

SIR TOBY BELCH

what shall we do else? were we not born under taurus?

SIR ANDREW

Taurus! That's sides and heart.

SIR TOBY BELCH

no, sir; it is legs and thighs. let me see the caper; ha! higher: ha, ha! excellent!

(Director's note: Dirk, when he says "the caper," begin doing the most exaggerated can-can you've ever done. Then take it up a notch on "higher." You are basically bouncing up and down.)

Exeunt

(Director's Note: Feferi, you've got the couch. Eridan, you have one plant. Vriska, you've got the other.)

[homestuckshakespeare]

Act 1, Scene 2

SCENE II. The sea-coast.

Enter VIOLA, a Captain, and Sailors

(Director's Note: We're going with a fairly standard set for this. We need both of the big Styrofoam rocks. Eridan, Feferi, you each grab one. The bigger one goes upstage right, the smaller one downstage left, in front of the curtain line if you can. REMINDER: Eridan and Feferi, you're our sailors, along with Tavros. You're going to hang out by the downstage small rock, but make sure the audience can see you! Roxy, Jane, I want you both more stage right, as close to the edge of the stage as you feel comfortable being.)

VIOLA

What country, friends, is this?

Captain

this is illyria, lady.

VIOLA

And what should I do in Illyria? My brother he is in Elysium. Perchance he is not drown'd: what think you, sailors?

(Director's Note: Sailors, you respond to this! Tavros, give a thumbs-up. Eridan, make the cut-throat motion with the sound. Feferi, give your most dramatic shrug. Really exaggerate it. Roxy, please give them time to do that. I know you really care about the comedic rhythm, but it's a gag and you've got to let the audience process.)

Captain

it is perchance that you yourself were saved.

VIOLA

O my poor brother! and so perchance may he be.

(Director's Note: Roxy, you're now pretty much recovered from nearly drowning. I want you to be close to Jane. Don't worry about male or female, just play the role like you've been doing. You two look great onstage together. And please, please, MAX OUT THE ARM MOVEMENT.)

Captain

true, madam: and, to comfort you with chance, assure yourself, after our ship did split, when you and those poor number saved with you hung on our driving boat, i saw your brother, most provident in peril, bind himself, courage and hope both teaching him the practise, to a strong mast that lived upon the sea; where, like arion on the dolphin's back, i saw him hold acquaintance with the waves so long as i could see.

VIOLA

For saying so, there's gold: Mine own escape unfoldeth to my hope, Whereto thy speech serves for authority, The like of him. Know'st thou this country?

Captain

ay, madam, well; for i was bred and born not three hours' travel from this very place.

VIOLA

Who governs here?

Captain

a noble duke, in nature as in name.

VIOLA

What is the name?

Captain

orsino.

VIOLA

Orsino! I have heard my father name him: He was a bachelor then.

Captain

and so is now, or was so very late; for but a month ago i went from hence, and then 'twas fresh in murmur,--as, you know, what great ones do the less will prattle of,-- that he did seek the love of fair olivia.

VIOLA

What's she?

Captain

a virtuous maid, the daughter of a count that died some twelvemonth since, then leaving her in the protection of his son, her brother, who shortly also died: for whose dear love, they say, she hath abjured the company and sight of men.

VIOLA

O that I served that lady And might not be delivered to the world, Till I had made mine own occasion mellow, What my estate is!

Captain

that were hard to compass; because she will admit no kind of suit, no, not the duke's.

VIOLA

There is a fair behavior in thee, captain; And though that nature with a beauteous wall Doth oft close in pollution, yet of thee I will believe thou hast a mind that suits With this thy fair and outward character. I prithee, and I'll pay thee bounteously, Conceal me what I am, and be my aid For such disguise as haply shall become The form of my intent. I'll serve this duke: Thou shall present me as an eunuch to him: It may be worth thy pains; for I can sing And speak to him in many sorts of music That will allow me very worth his service. What else may hap to time I will commit; Only shape thou thy silence to my wit.

Captain

be you his eunuch, and your mute i'll be: when my tongue blabs, then let mine eyes not see.

VIOLA

I thank thee: lead me on.

Exeunt

(Director's Note: Eridan, strike the tiny rock. Feferi, help Tavros offstage. Roxy, you and Jane have the large rock. You each could lift it alone, but weird things happen during shows, and I want you both to be ready.)