#Ryan: Sorry baby. At least that was better than the time Luke---

[lexasdagger]

[tessatechaitea]

Justice Society of America #10 (1993)

Fact: Golden Age heroes didn't have penises.

I was starfished on my bedroom floor tonight staring at the ceiling and thinking about how in my teens and twenties, I could revel in it, thinking, "Who am I? Who will I become? What does life have in store for me?" But a grown ass man doing that simply thinks, "This is it, isn't it?" At least I can lose myself in reading comic books I've already read and which I didn't really enjoy that much the first time. It might sound like a waste of time but it gives my life meaning! The most shallow of meanings, sure. But at least I'm not growing old watching conservative news because I need anything at all to light my passion. I'll say this about Fox News: they understand how old people are so bored they'll watch the dumbest shit and then get mad about it. I know other people who aren't old also watch Fox News. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with them. I guess they have fears and hatreds I hope I'll never truly understand. I just don't understand watching Fox News (or any of the other non-propaganda 24 hour news sites). People do understand there are channels which show programs that make you laugh or feel merry or that simply entertain the other non-lizard parts of your brain, right? How do you pick Fox News when you can watch Sci-fi or Buzzr Comedy Central or the Ru-Paul's Drag Race all day channel? I just realized that the people who watch Fox News basically use Twitter the same way. The majority of my feed are funny people so even when they're discussing politics, it's always entertaining (or fiercely intelligent because witty people are smart. Dumb people think they're witty (see Mike Huckabee)). But when I check out the Twitter feeds of conservatives I know, at best they'll retweet a sports tweet sandwiched between forty retweets of Ben Shapiro and Dinesh Souza. Maybe they think some of the right wing pundits they follow are funny. But calling somebody a mean name or tagging everything "liberal tears" isn't funny. It's the kind of funny that the bully's weasely sidekick guffaws over and then says, "You tell 'em, Jimmy!" Speaking of things bullies would say, it's now time for me to criticize Len Strazewski's Justice Society. Previously, some old fart named Kulak made everybody in the world begin to hate. But they aren't just randomly hating everybody else. They really seem to be bonding over their hatred for the Justice Society of America. Is this story a metaphor about me and my hatred of this comic book? Because that would be a terrible metaphor seeing as how I don't really hate this comic. I wish I did though! I'm old and I need to feel passion! I bet if I hadn't dropped cable eighteen years ago, I'd be addicted to Fox News too! No, I wouldn't be. I'm as liberal as you can be while still making offensive jokes. So not really that liberal, I guess? Maybe I'm socially, economically, and politically liberal. But I'm a complete asshole when it comes to punchlines. Don't get me wrong! I don't make offensive jokes at the expense of people different than me. I make offensive jokes about myself and those Goddamned fucking babies. Fuck those parasitic monsters. This issue begins with Starman finally reappearing.

It really wasn't exciting enough for an announcement of his return. He's just another half-balding old guy. But it lets me talk about the DC Universe show, Stargirl!

I decided to watch Stargirl because what else am I going to do with my life? Finish reading Gravity's Rainbow? I mean, I am going to do that now that I'm done re-reading those awful Lando Calrissian books. But I can't spend all of time reading Pynchon! Just too much of it! I mean, I'm only 18 pages into Gravity's Rainbow (which is further than I've ever gotten on my previous three attempts!) and I'd estimate I don't understand 5% of the words he's used. And that's me being an English Lit major who has been a voracious reader his entire 48 years (minus the ones where I couldn't read yet. Like ten or something?). I was in bed reading and didn't have a dictionary at hand so I just powered through. But I think I need to go back through and learn all of those words so I can impress the local Starbucks barista! Or are people not impressed when you use a word they have nearly zero chance of knowing and don't know you enough to keep the conversation going by asking you what that means and instead just smile and nod and glance occasionally at the tip jar? Anyway, so I've watched three episodes so far and I'll tell you how I feel about it after I mention how I've actually watched four episodes. The first episode I watched, I was impressed with because Courtney was already palling around with a bunch of legacy JSA members and the Injustice Society was trying to tackle the "Who is Stargirl?" problem and I watched it thinking, "This is really impressive how they decided to start in the middle of the story like this. I like it!" Then I went to watch episode two and I was confused because it didn't seem to follow after the previous episode. So I kept thinking, "Maybe this is a flashback?" And then eighteen minutes into it, I thought, "Maybe I didn't watch the pilot episode. I'd better check." And I started watching the first episode which I totally hadn't seen. So I guess I started with Episode 7 or something. Here are some of my tweet-thoughts on the show for those who don't follow me on Twitter (why don't you follow me on twitter? What is wrong with you? Is it because you don't know I'm @GrunionGuy?): Tweet #1: "Sometimes you think maybe you're having inappropriate thoughts but then you check to make sure the actress playing a fifteen year old Stargirl is actually 21 and then you breathe a sigh of relief and think, 'I won't be cancelled today! Unless I tweet this experience, probably.'" Tweet #2: "Sometimes you think maybe you're having inappropriate thoughts but then remember it's okay to fuck a car that's been converted into a giant robot with Luke Wilson inside of it." Tweet #3: "3rd episode of Stargirl begins with a dying white woman's final wish to her white husband that he make the world safe for their white son. She dies and he goes out into the enormous hedge maze garden of his mansion to scream into the sky about the injustice of it all. All in all, a pretty good villain origin!" That third tweet was the only one that really makes any sort of socially acceptable commentary on the show. Saying things like "Stargirl's butt doesn't look like my mouth should be inside of it because she's fifteen although the actress is twenty-one so maybe it actually does look like that?" aren't the greatest things to admit even if you're just joking (which I am but just adding this statement makes it sound like I'm not but I totally am (that "totally" doesn't help but I assure you, I'm joking (did the hole just get deeper?))). I mean, sure, her body is super fit because she's a super hero (or will be?). But she has such a baby face! And even at twenty-one, she's just a baby! If I were younger, I'd totally have a crush on her. But I'm 48 and I just don't consider young women proper targets for my sexual deviance anymore. The only interaction I should have with young women these days is warning them against going out to the summer camp at the lake where that boy drowned so many years ago. The girls I had a crush on when I was younger (Christina Applegate (Kelly Bundy), Winona Ryder (Veronica Sawyer), and Stacie Mistysyn (Caitlin Ryan)), I have even more of a crush on now. Judging by the crushes I've had my whole life and not society's stereotype of women, women definitely get better looking as they get older. And probably as I get older. I'm sure that's part of it although I like to think that fifteen year old me would still look at these nearly fifty (or maybe fifty? I'm not so obsessed I know their ages but they're all around my age anyway) year old women and think, "Holy fuck mommy." I'm sorry for that last comment. But I'm only sorry to God not anybody who was reading this. Oh, I forgot to mention that Joel McHale is the original Starman (I mean original in the show although he's Sylvester Pemberton who was never Starman but only Skyman although in the show he was at one point the Star-Spangled Kid and Luke Wilson does mention Ted Knight at some point). And he's funny in his death scene just like he should be because I've obviously decides Sylvester is Jeff Winger's new superhero secret identity alias. Starman heads off with his Cosmic Buttplug to stop Kulak in Gotham City. He doesn't know it yet but the rest of his pals are currently battling Kulak and probably losing. Although Kulak is even older than they are so maybe it's a fair fight. I'm just surprised that a comic book where old men battle other old men has made it ten issues.

I think some editor was fired last issue and the new editor's only job was to make sure it didn't look like Thunderbolt had been speared through the asshole.

Although this editor seemed to think it was okay to have Hawkgirl fucked from behind by Kulak.

I hope this isn't a terrible conservative take on women that exposes how terrible I am at sex but even mind-controlled, I can't imagine licking a woman's shoulder would elicit that response. Although she could be "Ummming" from his pee-hee in her bee-boo.

I know conservative talking points are generally fucking idiotic but Ben Shapiro somehow thinking women can get "too wet" from sexual excitement might be the most hilariously idiotic. I don't think I've been with a woman who was all, "Yes! Yes! Lick my shoulder blade!" and I then I got super into it and then suddenly she was all, "Nope. Too wet. This isn't working for me anymore. I need a doctor, I guess?" Who am I kidding? I know I've never been with a woman who did that because that would mean I've had to have been with a woman! Also, women get wet down there? What's that about? Is it because the vagina cries at the sight of the penis? Kulak takes away all of their super powers but I guess he forgets that Wildcat doesn't have any so I'm hoping Wildcat just punches him in the face soon. Although that Starman bit probably was a hint at how the coming fight might end. You know, with Starman shoving his Cosmic Buttplug into Kulak's third eye, if you know what I'm saying. You probably do because I called it a Cosmic Buttplug. I should try to be more subtle. Kulak's entire purpose is to get revenge on the Justice Society for defeating him way back in 1940. Can't even one super villain just accept defeat and move on with their lives? Or are writers just always going to be so inherently lazy that they'll never give up the crutch of the villain attacking the hero directly out of revenge for that one single time they tried to actually commit a crime and were stopped? The JSA puts up a fight that helps to drain Kulak's power but it isn't until Starman arrives and does that thing I mentioned with his Cosmic Buttplug that Kulak is defeated.

This is the grossest orgasm I've ever seen and my computer is riddled with viruses from all of the previous ones I've watched.

After Kulak's defeat, Jesse Quick wraps up the issue with her super hero dissertation which is less a dissertation and more of a thorough cleaning of all of their asses with her tongue. She's all, "I didn't really do much research or define heroes too good but the Justice Society of America are my heroes so I deserver a degree, right?" Justice Society of America #10 Rating: B. This comic book was as average as they get. I suppose that should garner a C grade but a B grade just seems to say decent but mediocre. By the time I get down to a C grade, I feel like the comic book needs a lot more faults than "I don't really care about stories with heroes who are having strokes during the battles." It's a valid criticism but it's probably too subjective for a critical review. I know, I know! When has that ever stopped me before? Well, I feel charitable today. It probably has something to do with Mars being so close to the full moon earlier this week. My blood is all riled up and wacky!

[douxreviews]

The Handmaid's Tale - ‘Unfit’ Review

"I've never seen anyone so devoted."

Like the Canadian story line, the flashbacks in this show are often a welcome relief from the horrors of present day Gilead. This time, not so much.

Let me start by saying that Ann Dowd is absolutely awesome as the fearsome Aunt Lydia, and a flashback to her past should have done more to explain her character. Instead, even in her past, Lydia was taking children from their mothers while pontificating about her good intentions. She is just as conflicted and confusing as she always was. Maybe there's just no explaining people like Lydia. Or anyone who fits in Gilead.

Lydia Clements was a fourth grade teacher who used to work in family law. She went from judging Noelle, a poor young mother with a bad job, to helping her financially and giving her emotional support (which was lovely), to initiating legal proceedings that successfully took Noelle's son Ryan away from her. A remarkably bad thing that followed a remarkably good thing, and note how Lydia's clothing and hair style changed from loose, comfortable and attractive to a Gilead-like shapeless outfit and restrained bun.

This was tied in to Lydia's possible new boyfriend, Principal Jim. Lydia and Jim seemed so well matched: both were single again with careers in education, and clearly religious since they both quoted the Bible in casual conversation. Jim even said grace in the karaoke bar before they ate. (Karaoke "Islands in the Stream." Too cute, and adorably out of character for Lydia.)

Why would their aborted lovemaking on the couch push Lydia over the edge into such overwhelming shame, into violently destroying her own image in a mirror? Was it because she finally allowed herself to acknowledge her own sexual needs, and being rejected was too heavy a blow? For that matter, why did Jim stop? His wife died three years ago. Was it really too soon for him, or did her aggressive move on the couch turn him off? And why did this incident make Lydia turn on Noelle? Because Noelle had encouraged her to date again, had given her makeup?

Tying this into our lead character, we've all been wondering how June is still alive considering how badly she's been acting. I think June is too angry right now to be frightened of what could happen to her. Maybe Aunt Lydia sees June the way she saw Noelle, as someone she would try over and over again to push in the right direction – until she didn't. This doesn't bode well for June.

I enjoyed the three gossipy aunts around a table matching Handmaids to Commanders more than the flashbacks. This was background that we needed. Aunt Lydia complained about June's misbehavior, but then she talked about June being misled. "We never had issues with Ofjoseph before the Waterfords. A problem household, to say the least. And she was there for all that business with Emily." Aunt Elizabeth added, "And Lillie." It's an explanation for why June is still alive and undamaged. Not a great one, but an explanation.

During the almost comical testifying scene in the gym, June did acknowledge that Frances' death was June's fault, and that Hannah would suffer for what June did. And then June took that opportunity to turn on Ofmatthew, saying truthfully that Ofmatthew didn't want her baby. We learned that Ofmatthew thought her baby was going to be a girl this time, and she didn't want to bring a daughter into Gilead. I so can't blame her.

During their shopping trip to Loaves and Fishes, June smiled as Ofmatthew snatched the guardian's gun and went on her desperation spree, and then she nodded when Ofmatthew was aiming the gun at her. I think June was ready to die. When Ofmatthew changed her target to Aunt Lydia, I was yelling, "Kill her!" Sadly, no. The death of Ofmatthew and her possibly female fetus, along with the death of Ofandy's baby girl, felt like a metaphor for the murderous sickness of Gilead's culture.

Racism in Gilead

This is the second episode in a row that featured the horrible death of a black woman. It's also the first time race was so much as mentioned. During that fascinating scene with the Aunts and the sherry and the files on the lazy susan, Aunt Lydia said that one of the Commanders didn't want a Handmaid of color. Racial prejudice exists in Gilead, but it is kept on the down low. Under the table, pun intended.

Critics of this show talk a lot about intersectionality, how jarring it is that Gilead is all about the misogyny while racial issues don't seem to exist, and really, I totally get that. It's a major change from Atwood's book. In reality, a fascist, misogynistic society like Gilead would almost certainly be deeply racist as well. I initially thought I understood why the producers made this decision. They wanted the focus of this fictional dystopia to be the oppression of women, period. There is also the practical consideration that if they had adhered more faithfully to the source material, the entire cast of this series would be white.

While I was thinking about what I would write about this episode, I realized that I hadn't thought through that assumption. They could have kept Gilead logically racist by having Handmaids of color while all of the Commanders and Wives were white. White slave owners in the past often raped and impregnated their black slaves, didn't they? And of course, June could have still had a black husband and daughter. I wonder why they didn't go that way? It would have made a lot more sense.

More glowing comments about the photography

As usual, the photography in this episode was spectacular. I was particularly struck by the from-above shot of Handmaids circling Ofandy with comfort and hugs, June in the snow with a red umbrella on her way to Loaves and Fishes, and the camera attached and moving with Ofmatthew's gun. The most striking was the line of red blood on white tile as Ofmatthew's body was dragged out of the store; it reminded me of the red ropes they use for hanging.

And the flashbacks were so pretty that they often looked unreal – the diffused lights on the Christmas tree, the sparkling clothing and hangings at the nightclub, the New Year's Eve glitter. I'm sure that was on purpose. The unreality, I mean.

Do they celebrate Christmas in Gilead? Has it been mentioned? It seems unlikely. But I didn't think they would have dancing, either.

Bits:

— The name of Hannah's Martha wasn't mentioned in the previous episode, but here, the very first scene started with June talking about Frances, and what an ordinary life she led before Gilead. Much like Lydia.

— Janine was kindness itself toward Ofmatthew, and when Ofmatthew lost it in Loaves and Fishes, she beat the crap out of Janine. It would have made more sense if Ofmatthew had attacked June, instead.

— During the birth scenes and the testifying, the Handmaids were acting a little like a bitchy high school clique. "Crybaby! Crybaby! Crybaby! Crybaby!" actually made me laugh.

— June told Joseph Lawrence that he wasn't protecting Eleanor, he was suffocating her. Lawrence didn't take the bait. I'm starting to think the Lawrences are in danger. Gilead turns on its own on a regular basis. No one is safe.

— The Lydia/Ryan twenty questions scene that opened the flashback began with Ryan asking, "Am I alive?" I wonder. Is he?

— Gold acting stars for Ashleigh LaThrop, who played Ofmatthew. I wish we'd known her character's real name. Maybe we'll find out what it was at the beginning of the next episode.

Quotes:

Aunt Lydia: "Tell your friends to cool it." June: "I'm sorry, Aunt Lydia. I don't know what you're talking about. You want to take my tongue out? Burn my arm? Better hope they don't need me on TV again for Nichole."

June: "How did that rhyme go? The one we'd jump rope to? Tinker, tailor, soldier, sailor, rich man, poor man, beggar man, thief. A game to tell what our children would grow up to be. The list is a lot shorter now, especially if it's a girl. Martha, Jezebel, Handmaid, Wife." What about "Aunt"?

Noelle: "You're a fucking coldhearted bitch!" Lydia: "I forgive you."

Aunt Lydia: "Sometimes it's the apple, and sometimes it's the barrel." Aunt Lydia has decided it's the barrel this time. She wants to transfer June to another household. Uh oh.

June: "I hurt her. and I enjoyed it. The wives and aunts, too, grieving over Ofandy's dead child. And Lawrence. They all deserve to suffer. It's an acquired taste, seeing others in pain. Like that smoky scotch Luke got as a gift once. I grew to like that."

June: "I finally know how Oflgen felt, what made her put on that bomb vest. […] And I know how Emily felt, right before she stuck a knife in Lydia's back." Again, it sure sounds like June is ready to die.

This is the second episode in a row that I didn't much like. Two out of four smoky scotches.

---

Billie Doux loves good television and spends way too much time writing about it.

[weetiebel]

GOOD NIGHT CALLS- CHAPTER 8

By @johnlockedslashprincess and @weetiebel

Jon got given a bed to sleep on in the hospital, it was a white pull out one. He had brought his Nintendo DS. Yeah, he was a grown man sat in checkered pajamas next to another man playing on a 3DS, but he didn't care. He wanted to be with Ryan when he woke up. To tell him everything was okay. And while doing this he needed to occupy his thoughts with something, he would go crazy from over thinking otherwise.

Before he fell to sleep that night he held Ryan's hand that was dangling slightly off of the bed and stared. He wasn't lying about being scared, scared Ryan wouldn't wake up, scared that if he did he wouldn't be the same. Maybe he wouldn't remember him at all? He shook his head to make the thoughts disappear, he didn’t need this now, the one and only thing for now was believing. Everything else was something to deal with once the waiting was going to be over.

Jon's phone started to go off, causing him to jump from his compromising position. He turned the sound off quickly from sheer reflex but then remembered it couldn’t wake anyone up.

It was Luke.  He picked up after staring at the screen for a few seconds. Was he ready to talk about it?

“Hey Jon, I just heard about the whole Ohm thing.” There was a long silence. The sound of Luke's heavy breathing on the other end made Jon nervous. “Evan told me you had gone to see him. Is he, ya know, okay?”

Jon paused, trying to calm his breathing, his eyes itching as they held back tears. “No,” was all Jon could manage before he heard the raspy strain in his own voice.

“What can I do to help, Jo? Ohm’s my friend too.”

“Tell the guys, please. Ask them if they can spare anything towards anything.  God, I don't know Luke.” Jon replied frustrated for no reason. Luke was silent down the other end. Thinking.

“I will, Jon. Don't you worry. He'll get better.  It's Ohm.”

“But what if he doesn't? What if he doesn't even remember me and all the shit I've done to him? I want Ryan to be Ryan when he wakes up. I want him to slap me for being a bitch, I want him to kick me for not talking to him till now, I want, I want him to kiss me… I… I want him to kiss me because he likes me. Fuck sakes.” Jon could feel the hot burn of the tears as they rolled down his pale face. God, he wanted Ohm to wake up.

He wasn't religious but he started to mentally prey to all the Gods he could think of that Ryan would be okay.

Luke huffed on the other side of the phone. Jon knew he was desperately trying to find something to make him feel better, but in this very moment there was nothing he could do.

“Do you want me to stay awake with you?”

“Nah, it's okay, just please, ask everyone tomorrow for help.  Okay?”

Luke hummed in response.  

“Call me if you need anything, I'm here.”

“Gotcha, bye.”

Jon sat there for a minute with his phone in his lap, tears forming in the corners of his eyes.

He was never going to get to sleep.

Three weeks passed by with no change to Ohm’s health.

Susan and Alex came in everyday after school and work to see him, staying for an hour or so, then leaving again.

“Hey, Jo, do you want anything? Clothes? How about you come back with us for a little bit?” Susan mumbled as she got up to leave. Alex was by her side hugging onto her teddy.

“I can't, say if he wakes up?”

Susan looked down at him with defeat in her eyes. “It's been three weeks, and you look as sick as he does,” she commented, not holding anything back. “Just come, have a shower and a meal and then you can come back. It doesn't matter if you're not here when he wakes up, as long as he wakes up it'll be a glorious moment.”

Jon sighed, coming to join them. She was right, he hadn't had a proper shower, meal and was wearing them same clothing he had come in, which was not even a week's worth of stuff.

Susan wondered over to Ryan, kissed his forehead and letting Alex do the same, barely reaching as she stood on tiptoes. “Bye Ry-ry.  See you later.”

Jon came over to them, he too planting a kiss on Ohm’s forehead. He didn't want to leave him. He held the kiss longer than the others had, bringing his head only slight back to talk.

“I'll see you tonight. Take care.”

They arrived at Susan's small apartment, it was cleaner than he had expected.

“Uncie, come see my room, it's soooo cool!” Alex screamed with excitement, grabbing onto Jon's top.

“Alex-”

“It's okay,” Jon muttered, his voice strained. Susan frown before letting them go, going to the kitchen to cook. He was so relieved that at least Alex kept being herself after the terrible stuff that happened, it was so amazing to see. And he wouldn’t be lying if he said he needed this like he needed to breathe. To do the normal everyday living like everyone else, to let the little one be excited while he and Sue were losing all of their hopes.

Alex opened the door for a small old dog to come bouncing out.

“This is Buddy, he's Uncle’s dog-dog. I get to look after him.”

Jon smiled, coming to cuddle the soft dog in his arms to comfort himself. “Are you taking good care of him?”

“Of course! Right, Buddy?”

Jon began to snicker as Alex put on an accent, agreeing with herself as she pretended to be Buddy.

She grinned at Jon, coming to hug him unexpectedly.

“Uncie will get better, yeah?”

Jon couldn't quite make out if it was a question or a statement but agreed anyway.

“Ryan's strong, he'll be okay.”

Alex nodded in his arms, staying put as she continued to hug him.

There was a silence as she snuggled into him, the long day at her new school starting to catch up with her. It was almost 10pm, so there was no surprise that she was tired.

Jon lifted her up, as well as Buddy who was still squished in between them, popping her onto her little bed and coming to sit next to her.

She already had he pj's on after coming in them to see Ohm.

She lazily grabbed hold of Jon's hand, cuddling against him, despite them both being on her bed.

“When Uncie comes out, do you think you'll get married?”

Jon snorted, surprised by the random question.

“Can I be the person that gives you the ring thing? I saw one when mama’s friend was getting married.”

Jon started to laugh, the small, barely conscious girl next to him ambition made him happy.

“Sure, you can be the ring girl,” he said cautiously without answering question number one.

“I'll be the bestest one ever.” She looked up towards him.

He was wearing a now sad expression as the thoughts of Ohm never waking up haunted him. God, he needed him to wake up so badly. He still didn’t know what would happen if Ryan wouldn’t make it through. It was almost unbearable to deal with these thoughts.

“Here,” Alex mumbled against him, handing her teddy to Jon. “Delly will make you feel better.”

Jon smiled at her, the innocence of her actions and words bringing him almost to tears in his vulnerable state. “Thanks, baby.”

“Your dinner’s ready Jo, sorry it's only leftovers from ours but…”

“That's okay. Thanks.”

He left Alex asleep, snuggled next to Buddy in her bed.

“I'm going to Ryan's to get you some clothes, if you could just keep an eye on Alex.”

“Sure, thanks for all of this, you know.”

“No, thank you.” Susan mumbled, “I don't know what I would do without the money you're giving us and the help and keeping Alex so happy-”

“You think I'm keeping her happy? You should see how happy I am because of her, she gives me hope that he'll...”

“I know.” Susan came over towards him, unexpectedly hugging him. She sighed, holding him tightly.

“Ryan's always been there for me. Always. When our parents split up and we went to live with our dad he was always like the other parent. Dad and him were so similar. The same kindness. The same smartness. Dad would be so proud of him for looking out for me, for everything.”

Jon stood in shock. Susan wasn't one to show emotion, but when she did it was deep.

“Ryan has always been there to protect me, and here's me who can't do a single thing for him. Since our dad passed away-”

“You're dad?”

“Has Ryan never told you anything?”

“No…” Jon sighed, Ryan never told him anything, keeping everything secret.

“Well I guess he never had a reason to. Our mum and dad split up due to mum cheating and going off with another man. Dad looked after us until we all got into a car accident that killed him. I only had physical injuries, luckily, but Ryan was traumatised by the whole experience that he couldn't even sit in a car for ages, and he almost has a panic attack when anything loud bangs.”

“Like thunder?”

Susan nodded in response, pulling away from the hug they were still In.

She sighed heavily, watching Jon's tired expression.

“Anyway.” She grumbled, her hard guard coming back up. “I better get going, else we’ll be here forever. By the times you eat and have a shower I'll be back, I left a clean towel for you.”

“Thanks..”

“No probl-”

“For everything.”

His deep blue eyes looked at her forcefully. She nodded in response and understanding  before leaving him alone in the kitchen.

Susan was right about how long she was going to take. She knocked on the door of the bathroom, being let in by Jon who still stood there in a towel.

“Here, they're Ry-ry’s so they might be a bit big.”

Jon nodded in response, feeling a lot better after his meal and shower. “Thanks, when are we going back?”

“I'll have to pop Alex in the car and you have to get changed, so afterwards?”

Susan didn't seem fazed by Jon as he started to slip his clothing on, towel still hung at his waist.

“I'll get Alex.”

He changed into Ryan’s clothes, his heart aching a bit more with the scent of him all around. He sighed and left.

Delirious felt a ping in his heart when there was no change to Ohm’s condition. He had hoped that he would come back to find Ohm awake and himself and feel the relief of finally seeing him okay. But no, Ohm still laid there, monitors beeping away and a stone expression planted on his face.

“We’ll see you tomorrow.” Susan mumbled, grabbing hold of Jon's arm. “Take good care of my brother.”

He nodded, unable to find strength to do anything else.

Jon sat awake, staring at Ohm’s chest slowly rising and falling. He had got bored of Animal Crossing and Zelda and now sat in silence, watching, as he inhaled the smell of Ohm’s warm clothing that blocked out the smell of the hospital.

He wanted to tell him everything he felt, everything he was thinking. So he decided to write it down, as he knew how shit he was at speaking his mind and feelings.

First, he started like a letter, addressing it to Ryan. This was for him after all.  Then wrote down the situation. How because of his crash he had missed Evan’s wedding and flown across the country to be here, how he didn't have to make that choice between if he was coming and how he was glad he had. He then put about the feelings, like how he felt so stupid for everything, how Luke had told him off, how he wanted him to wake up, be alright, how he has never been so scared in his life for somebody else's future and how he didn't know what he'd do if he was gone.  How Ryan was his scapegoat and how he had used him, how sorry he felt for it, for banging on about Evan when really he felt so strongly for Ryan. How Susan and Alex were the best people in the world and how Alex had said she wanted them to marry.  How Ryan had saved him from being a sad mess by making him so happy and how he hoped he made Ryan happy too.

And how he wanted him to wake up so he could tell him how much he loved him.

He wanted him to wake up so much.

Find the rest of the story on my Tumblr or here on AO3: http://archiveofourown.org/works/7530958?view_full_work=true 

[nyx-ships]

Could you do h2brohmtoonz where they're comforting Ohm?

Title: Okay

Pairing: h2obrohmtoonz

Rating: T

Word Count: 2263

A/N: Ayyy, I finally got around to finishing a prompt. I had trouble finishing this guy, lack of inspiration and all, but @xxsilver-wraithxx gave me an idea for the ending of it, so thank you to them, because I probably wouldn’t have finished it today if they weren’t kind enough as to help me out :) Anyways, this one starts off sad, but don’t worry, it gets nice by the ending :3

Enjoy :p

—————————————-

No words were said. No apologies or sentences filled to the brim with pity and worry.

No cute kisses or meaningless well wishes that would only end up on the floor of his home.

That’s not what he needed and they knew it.

No empty sympathy or careful steps to avoid his pain.

No changing the subject of the incident whenever someone would try to bring it up, no stopping him from replaying it.

That’s not what he needed and they knew it.

What he needed was them.

He needed to be held, touched, reminded that he was still alive, physically at least.

He needed to be wrapped in someone’s arms, all of their arms, he needed to be close to a beating heart, somewhere that he could call home.

He didn’t need them to cry with or for him, no, the tears were long gone, and now he was left with only a chest of regrets and a very clear sense of detachment to the world.

He needed them.

He thought on it. On everything that had happened that led up to this point of the three men around him holding his body tightly on the kitchen floor as he shook with yet another terrifying memory of his misfortune.

He decided, as Jonathan rubbed a soft finger across his cold and twitching knuckles, that the funeral was the worst part.

Just seeing him laying there in the casket, face void of any warmth and body stiff with death, it made everything so much worse, so much more real.

It didn’t really make any sense, either, as to why he was so upset and wrecked over the death of his friend, when it was a little known fact that Jonathon had been a lot closer to him than anyone in their group. Best friends, even.

In fact, one might venture to say that him and Ryan were the least close in the group, and that was true. The whole ordeal was orchestrated so Ryan could get to know one of his boyfriend’s best friends better, to become closer in their small friendship.

So, it didn’t make any sense for him to be acting this way, right?

That was a lie, though. It did make sense, considering he was there, he was a part of the accident.

They all told him there was nothing he could do except save himself, but Ryan, no, he refused to believe that.

And maybe that was one of the reasons why he couldn’t stop shaking.

A soft touch of a hand on his cheek brought him out of his dangerous thoughts, forcing him to look at the blonde, blue eyes filled with worry and understanding as he caressed the older’s face.

“How bad is it, Ryan?”

Hazel eyes closed and opened slowly, assessing the mental damage and coming up with a number to represent the attack forcing its way into his system.

“Nine.”

He heard the soft intake of air and the arms around his waist tightened, seemingly trying to get him closer and more firm in the eldest’s grasp.

Luke spoke with the broken man in his hold, head buried in Ryan’s neck and voice coming out careful, hoping to end the attack quickly, not wanting his boyfriend to be in this damaged state for too long.

“Are you here with us, Ry? Is it too much?”

The brunette let go of a shaky breath he didn’t know he had been holding, swallowing the growing lump in his throat and answering without much thought.

“I…I don’t know…”

He could feel them, he could hear them, but he knew he wasn’t completely there, drowning in the throes of the attack and losing himself in the emotional pain clawing its way up his body.

Flash images of Evan’s mangled body and mutilated face drove their way into his brain, threatening his sanity, promising his devastation.

Faint noises could be heard in his mind, the yelling, the screaming, the question that had been spoken to him as Evan’s last moments ticked by and his chocolate eyes begged for release from the pain.

“We’ll be okay, right Ohm?”

“No…”

His weak voice was nothing new, but that didn’t change the fact that it broke all three of his lovers’ hearts each time it came through.

Each time, every time, they were afraid this would be the breaking point, the last time they would see Ryan, his mind muddled and covered, wrapped in steel thorns that they couldn’t seem to break through.

They feared that someday, their soft touches and beating hearts wouldn’t get through, wouldn’t do anything, and their Ryan, their hazel eyed, brown haired, once bright Ryan, would disappear from them forever.

But, they were determined to save him. They couldn’t stand to give up every time his thoughts wandered. They couldn’t just let him fall.

They had always been there to pick him up, and this time would be no different.

Jonathan took the shaking hand in his grasp, squeezing reassuringly, his way of comforting his torn lover.

He had always been the one to really bring Ryan out of his troubled state, only because he harbored the same feelings, the same remorse and guilt.

He had been the one to whisper those words into his ear that always seemed to drag Ryan from the darkness in his mind back to his reality.

And the other two let it happen. Because they knew that no matter how many comforting words or carefully placed touches they gave him, Jonathon would always be the one to heal him, cover his mental wounds with a bandaid.

Temporary, yes, but it got the job done until the next breakdown.

Ryan looked up, eyes slightly glazed over, so he was staring at Jonathan, his haunted pupils telling a story that the raven haired male had heard time and time again, but kept listening to.

He took Ryan’s face in his hands and rubbed at his skin with his thumbs, his own plagued eyes staring straight back into the hazel ones, feeling a hand on his shoulder, one he could easily identify as Luke’s.

He ignored it, focusing on the man in front of him, the one who was going through yet another terrifying bout of anxious shaking.

Jon’s voice was nothing above a whisper, soft and pleading, eyes never breaking contact as he spoke.

“Breathe, Ryan. You gotta breathe.”

For a second, he really thought the older was gone, mind lost within a sea of sadness, body following suit, but that splinter of time passed, and then he could hear the harsh swallow and shaky exhale.

He could see the shift in Ryan’s eyes as he began to take in slow breaths of air, exhaling equally as slow, cloudiness fading slightly, panic slowing momentarily.

Jon smiled weakly, nodding as he felt Ryan’s shaking cease, watching Bryce place a hand on his leg tentatively, as if to make sure the brunette was really there.

Jon nodded, blue eyes silently sharing a look of knowledge with Ryan, the look that told him he felt the same way.

“Kay, good. Now, listen to me, alright?”

Ryan nodded, hand reaching to grasp one of Jon’s arms, the other interlocking with Bryce’s.

Luke was watching, afraid to disrupt Jon’s healing process, opting for sitting away a bit, knowing he could be near Ryan later, after his outburst had passed.

Ryan swallowed the lump in his throat, voice coming out hoarse and shaky, weak and broken.

“I’ll be okay someday, right Jon?”

Jon felt his heart break at that.

Ryan didn’t think he could be helped right now?

He didn’t think he could be okay right here?

But Jon understood, and by the looks he shared with his other two lovers, they understood, too.

So, he just nodded and rubbed Ryan’s cheek, speaking slowly and carefully.

“Maybe not right now, but yeah, course you’ll be ‘kay someday, Ry. I promise.”

He didn’t expect the words to come out of Ryan’s mouth so quickly, so painfully, but they did, and all he could do was stare at his boyfriend for a few moments.

“I keep seeing him, Jon. H-he told me to look after everyone. I…..I think I’m going crazy…”

The way Ryan looked at him, eyes filled with a hopeful plea, practically begging Jon to help him, it tore the smaller man apart.

And when Bryce and Luke heard him, there was a storm in Bryce’s eyes, one that made him squeeze Ryan’s hand a little tighter, made his heart feel a little weaker.

Luke was exchanging a look with Jonathan, his eyes searching for an explanation, some type of reason for Ryan’s words.

Ryan pulled his hands away from his boyfriends, opting for hugging himself and looking down at the floor he was seated on, swallowing harshly and speaking with a low voice.

“I-I’m sorry….”

It was a weak whisper, one that he could just barely force out while he held himself and inhaled shaky breaths.

Jonathan’s hands moved down to his arms, and he leaned down so he could look Ryan in his hazel eyes, which now flickered between his gaze and the floor.

“No….no, don’t be sorry, Ry. It’s alright, it’s normal for things like that t'happen,” he took his chin in his hand and tilted Ryan’s face up to look at him, a small smile on his features, used to try to calm the brunette down, “You’re not crazy, baby, just grieving.”

Jonathan was looking at it in a different light, like he always did. The way he saw it, Ryan wasn’t manifesting some sort of apparition from his mind, no. He liked to think of it as Evan trying to stop Ryan’s constant struggle.

Whether it was his imagination or not, it was very clear that the man in Jon’s grasp needed to start to heal.

He was about to say something, but a voice interrupted him, saying the same thing he was thinking, but better.

“Ryan, Evan’s telling you to stop blaming yourself. And it’s obvious he wants you to take care of us,” A small inhale, lBut that’s okay, I think we should be taking care of you right now.“

Bryce’s voice was soft and reassuring, and as he held Ryan’s hand in his own, rubbing circles on his unusually pale skin, the brunette started to feel a little less panicked, a little less shaky.

When Jonathan cupped his face in his hand, fingers tracing soothing shapes on his cheek, Ryan could feel his dilemma start to fade, his broken heart trying to piece itself back together.

Luke’s hand on his back was helping, his own fingers running along his spine in a way that only comforted him when it was the bearded man’s touch, and Ryan could feel the weight lifting off his shoulders.

Sure, he wasn’t okay in any sense, hell, he was far from it. Mentally damaged to a point that would take a long time to fix.

But, at least he had the three people he loved to hold him together.

He was taking it one step at a time, one small step that the others were willing to wait on.

He knew that, when daylight began to peek through and he had finally risen up off the ground, he would still be down, still broken and torn from the whole situation.

And he knew that, in another day or two, he would yet again find himself on the floor, holding himself and trying to keep his mind from shattering, trying to keep his eyes from wandering.

But, he could only hope that they would be there, that he wouldn’t ever have to go through this pain alone. That they would hold him and comfort him until he could yet again pick himself up from the ground and continue his life.

He was grateful for them.

They put their lives on hold, just so he could put his in motion. Just so he didn’t drown, didn’t disappear in his words or thoughts.

As he reveled in their touches, basked in their warmth, accepted their comfort, he came to the realization that he was going to be alright someday.

He had his best friends, his boyfriends, to keep him sane, to hold him up until he could someday hold himself up, and he was quite alright with that.

At some point in time, throughout his thinking, the other three had brought him into their bedroom and placed him on the bed.

He glanced around, finally noticing the change in scenery, and felt two arms around his body, hugging him against a chest.

He leaned back, laying against Luke, curling up on his chest with a light look on his face. The older accepted him, holding him tightly and threading his fingers through his hair.

He could feel Bryce at his back, his arms wrapping around them, head in the crook of his neck, and Ryan felt his heart flutter, the panic attack slowly but surely forcing itself out of his system, completely gone when Jonathan lie on the other side of Ryan’s body, wrapping an arm around him lazily and planting a small kiss on his forehead, which he gladly accepted.

As he lay there, surrounded by the warmth of his lovers, wrapped in their arms, he knew he would be alright.

His voice was soft, a whisper that could barely be heard, but all three were listening, and it took no time for them to respond in unison.

"I’ll be okay.”

“You’ll be okay.”

[thesims4blogger]

The Sims 4: New Game Patch (January 12th. 2017)

Remove all MODS and Custom Content before updating your game!

Update: 01/12/2017 – PC Version 1.26.96.1010 / Mac Version 1.26.96.1210

Hey Simmers and Simmodlers,

What’s New?

Toddlers.

Wait you skipped right to the what’s ne… what the whaaat?! Toddlers? Toddler toddlers… toddlers? Um, did you just say toddlers?

Perhaps. But the long standing ‘no talk’ of toddlers talk may be toddler blocking me. And, as such I can neither confirm nor deny their tiny toddler toddling presence in this release. I can however, say that any resemblance to a toddler in this toddler release is purely todd-idental… ler.

I am also required by the Toddler Coalition for the Betterment and Care of Toddlerhood to provide a few disclaimers:

For you and your toddler’s safety, please keep all toddlers at least 5 feet from all toddler messaging about toddlers.

In case of fire do not break glass, but grab the nearest toddler and exit the building in an orderly fashion.

Also, for a toddler lasting more than 9 days, turn aging on.

Batteries not included, so feed your toddler.

For identification purposes, this is a toddler: o>-<

Once safe, please take a moment to find the toddlers parents if the toddler was not yours.

Not actual size

Well whew! We’ve just had 24 toddlers already born in these release notes (make that 25). I feel there may be more toddlers on the way… so Woohoo*!

*Woohoo will not directly produce a toddler, but provide for the groundwork for a future toddler.

Argh! So… TELL ME ABOUT TODDLERS already!!!

Ok, ok alright. All things Toddlers…

Let’s start with

“How do you get a Toddler”?

Add your toddler in Create a Sim!

You can add them to a new or existing household through Create a Sim. And customize them as you would any other Sim:

Ok, now that the Caregiver bit is over with… let’s get into the other customization options.

Select their voice, gender, and ASSIGN A RELATIONSHIP

Sorry for the caps, but this is kind of important. Toddlers have a special relationship with caregivers.

Mothers, brothers, fathers, sisters, or anyone you choose via the in game interaction Adopt as Caregiver (found under the toddlers Help… interaction menu) are caregivers.

Being a Caregiver will ensure that the caregiver Sim cares for the toddler, while other Sims may be less inclined to answer the crying calls of your average toddler.

8 new traits to pick from!

Presets for the various toddler body and head parts to assist in your customization, as well as the same ability to modify the body and face parts that other Sims have.

All the same skin tones as adults (yes, Aliens too!)

Plenty of Styled Looks to choose from.

And of course all the usual stuff…

Angelic, Fussy, Silly, Charmer, Independent, Wild, Clingy, and Inquisitive

Does it make sense that that toddler wears an alien sized diaper?

No, no it doesn’t. But, it’s really cute!

Full body outfits, tops, bottoms, socks, leggings, and shoes.

Glasses, hats, hairs (and hair colors), freckles, and teeth.

Did we talk about the new teeth yet?

Yes, teeth for all ages! Head in to Create a Sim, click on your Sims head, click the Face category, and then Teeth to customize your Sims smile.

I like the braces.

Adopt your toddler!

Choose the Household… Adopt option on the computer, to adopt your very own toddler!

They come fully toddler-ized, ready for your snuggles.

Or, if you want to do things the old fashioned way, age up your baby!

It starts with… look it’s a birds and bees thing. There’s a flower, some pollen, and the bee… um, go ask your mom.

So, now you have a toddler…

How do you care for them?

Bathe, and Bubble Bathe them. Be aware of the possible splash back.

With a Potty Chair they can Go Potty, and Ask for Potty Help… or just use their diaper.

Sleep, Nap, Ask to be Read to Sleep or Tucked in, Sit and Chat all on a Toddler Bed.

Toddlers prefer the high chair where they can Ask for Food or Drink, and of course Eat.

Be hugged, snuggled, talked or played with, or listened to.

And of course, non-toddlers will have to Clean the Potty, and Change the Diaper.

But they may find their food more fun than edible.

And as they do ‘things’ they learn skills like communication, movement, thinking, imagination, and potty.

And their caregivers can be available to mentor and help them along.

But they want to have fun to, right?

Of course, and there are many ways for toddlers to have fun, or… not.

They can cry, laugh, yell, and throw a tantrum. Or babble in the mirror, tell stories, talk about dinosaurs, princesses, superheroes, parties, art, the day, their favorite animals, or just Ask Why… over and over and over.

Or play in things, find out what that is, splash in the toilet (hopefully you are a neat Sim), ask to be picked up, or talk to strangers (stranger danger).

Maybe they want to watch toddler videos, play Simshape or Blicblock Baby, draw with llama on the Wabbit Tablet. Or build a tower, study shapes, or ask others to help them build and study with the Nesting Blocks.

They can hit, hug, or talk to their giant stuffed animals.

Read or ask to be read a toddler book.

Look at flash cards, and learn animals, basic needs, letters, or objects.

Play with the toybox toys, and the dollhouse. Dance and listen to music (including the new Lullaby and Kids radio station).

Just to name a few…

Woah, ok… um, I hate to ask but can toddlers…

No, toddlers do not die. They are fireproof.

No, no... NO! I wasn’t… look, I just wanted to know can toddlers…

Yes, they can climb stairs, run and walk – but you’ll have to improve their movement skill.

Stop that, I just wanted to know can toddlers do anything else?

Yes, toddlers can…

…be your little sister or brother, son or daughter. Try your patience. Be loving but a handful. They can take all your time, or be ignored. They can travel with you, or go to daycare. Or you can stay at home, and hire a nanny. They can provide special moments for you and your Sims. And they can grow and learn, as they age up into children, teens, young adults, adults, and eventually elders. They can’t die, but they can be taken away. And ultimately, they can be part of your Sims family, and your stories.

Anything else?

Yes, in addition to toddlers, and I strongly suggest you pick up a couple of these if you intend to have a toddler, you can find the following items in Build Mode under the Kids Room sort (just click on the 3 blocks in the image):

2 Toddler Beds

3 High Chairs

Wabbit Tablet

Nesting Blocks

Chomper the Devourer toy box

A toddler sized Dollhouse

A Bookshelf and 12 toddler books

2 Potty Chairs

6 new toy box toys (bus, kitty, bear, ducky, butterfly, and Tentacle Tom)

And…

2 Curtains, 5 wall decals, a light for floors and a light for ceilings, a dresser, a rug, a wall shelf, an end table, a wall sculpture, a living chair, 4 decorated toddler doors, AND 7 walls and 2 floors.

That sure is a lot. Did you address any issues?

Just a couple, er some, er what is five in the verbal shorthand? And is couple really short for two? It has three extra letters. I’m so confused…

You can now use the Design Tool on a bassinet containing a baby, because sometimes your baby just doesn’t match your room.

Walls can now be built along all four edges of penthouse lots, rather than just three.

We addressed an issue that could cause the game to freeze while playing the Doctor Career or when hiring a Nanny in some languages.

Confident children will no longer get a whim to practice pick-up lines.

We addressed an issue that could cause doors to be stuck ajar.

And you can’t change the baby. Put down the baby safe paint and brush, and just back away.

*childish moment* Playing doctor, hehe.

Your door is ajar.

No, it’s a door.

And on that toddler’ish joke, that’s the update folks. In the time it took you to read these release notes, the following toddlers came to be in the Sims…

Abigail a toddler, Aidan a toddler, Alex a toddler, Alexander a toddler, Allison a toddler, Alyssa a toddler, Andrew a toddler, Anna a toddler, Anthony a toddler, Archer a hog of war, Ariana a venti-toddler, Ashley a toddler, Austin a toddler, Ava a toddler, Avery a toddler, Benjamin a toddler button, Brandon a toddler, Brayden a toddler, Brianna a toddler, Brian not a toddler because he turned aging off and stayed a baby, Caden a toddler, Caleb a toddler, Cameron a toddler, Chloe a toddler danced the tables, Christian a toddler, Christopher a toddler, Connor a toddler, Cruz a toddler, Daniel a toddler, David vs toddler-iath, Dylan a toddler, Elijah would a toddler?, Elizabeth a toddler, Ella a toddler, Emily a toddler, Emma a toddler, Ethan a toddler, Etta at last a toddler, Evan a toddler, Gabriel a toddler, Gavin a toddler, Grace a toddler, Hailey a toddler, Hannah a toddler and her sisters, Hunter a toddler, India a toddler, Isabella-watcha-doin-toddler, Isabelle a toddler, Jack o’toddler, Jackson a toddler, Jacob a climber, James a toddler, Jasmine a toddler, Jayden a toddler, John a toddler, Jonathan a toddler, Jordan a toddler, Joseph a toddler, Joshua a toddler, Julia a toddler, Kaitlyn a toddler, Katherine a toddler, Kayla a toddler, Kaylee a toddler, Kylie a toddler, Kyra a toddler, Lauren a toddler, Lily a toddler, Logan a toddler also known as James, Lucas a toddler, Luke – use the toddler, Mackenzie a toddler, Madeline a toddler made with flour, eggs, lemon, sugar, and vanilla, Madison a toddler and an avenue in a popular board game, Makayla a toddler, Mason a free-toddler, Matthew a toddler, Maya a toddler, Megan a toddler, Mia a toddler, Michael a toddler, Morgan a toddler, Natalie a toddler, Nathan an uncharted toddler, Nicolas a toddler, Noah a toddler on an ark, Olivia a toddler-newton-john, Owen a toddler, Plum a toddler, Rachel we miss you a toddler, Riley a toddler, Rosemary’s toddler, Ryan a toddler, Samantha b toddler, Samuel a toddler on snakes, Sarah a toddler, Savanna a plain toddler, Sean a toddler, Sophia a toddler, Sydney a toddler-mate, Taylor a toddler, Thomas a toddler, TK-421 a trooper, Toddler a toddler, Tyler a toddler, William a tell-toddler, Zachary a toddler, and Zoe a toddler.

We look forward to your stories, and we wonder who your toddler will be?

-SimGuruGnome’dler

[allofusandco]

The way we were

with [url redacted]

AU take on S02E01.

Ryan:

Probably not the most auspicious start to the school year, being dropped off the back of a truck by the Cohen’s builder, but it was going to be a non-event compared to the fact that Ryan had gotten a girl pregnant at sixteen and Seth had run off to live with Luke in Portland with Luke and his dad.

Now would be a good time to start flying under the radar again. But Ryan hadn’t had time for the summer reading everyone else was going to have done, hadn’t really planned to be back at all; and looking at all the people staring at them both… yeah, felt a lot like last year had, actually. Maybe he needed to find out who the new water polo captain was and pick a fight with him.

Ryan almost never felt the need to say something to break the silence, but he did.

“Like we never left,” he said. There was a dull, distant feeling of disappointment. He’d thought maybe this time things would be different. He hitched his backpack over his shoulder. This would at least beat construction. He felt clean for the first time in months. Didn’t want to say he’d dodged a bullet, but…

He’d dodged a bullet.

–––––

Seth:

Normally, Seth would have found himself with the inability to stop talking. But this time… This time he was standing back in front of his school, his best friend at his side, the girl he’d fallen in love with was now dating someone else. And he, for once, had absolutely nothing to say.

That would change, he knew. It always did. Seth Cohen never managed to be speechless for long. But what was there to say about where he and Ryan had landed themselves since returning home after their summers away. The irony rested in that Ryan was right. This felt exactly like their first day of school the year before. But so much had changed since that day. Hadn’t it?

“You know, maybe it’ll be different this year. We’re both single; we managed to get away from this town for the summer. We’ve spread our wings, Ryan. And we’ve come back men.” With pursed lips and a curt nod, he let his skateboard fall to the sidewalk and stepped on it, giving a singular push with his right foot. “This year’s going to be different, Ryan. I’m certain of it. I’m going to get Summer back. You… Well, we’ll find you someone.

“I’m sure of it.”

–––––

Ryan:

“Already sounds like same as last year,” Ryan grumbled. Summer. Whoever the new guy was, he hoped she couldn’t be pried from his side. “No girl drama for me. We will not find me anyone. Don’t even start on that. And what are you talking about, we were already men.” Maybe he’d been too quiet for too long, no room for him in a house full of Theresa and a mistake they’d made together, and sixteen years of Chino pushing in against him, taking everything else away, a week at a time.

He stuck his hands in his pockets and dragged himself in the direction of the administration block. More classes he felt woefully unprepared for, a guidance officer who was sharpening her nails and getting ready to ask him what he wanted to do with the rest of his life.

“I just wanna get good grades. No one in my family ever graduated high school, and I could maybe get into community college.” Look at that. A speech, a two-parter. He had half an eye peeled for Marissa. “No girl drama. You, too. Summer makes a mess of your head – maybe you could try being friends with her. You know – it’s like what you’re doing except without makin’ an ass of yourself.”

–––––

Seth:

“Wha– Ryan. Come on. This is going to be completelydifferent. You… I mean. You maybe have a kid. Or did she tell you that he wasn’t yours? I have trouble keeping that straight.” Perhaps it would help if Seth decided to stop thinking about ways to sabotage Summer’s new relationship with whatever his name was… All Seth knew from the fifteen minutes he’d spent awkwardly standing in front of them on the pier two days ago, was that she called him Duckie, and that he was bigger, perhaps more typical for the type of guy Summer went for.

To put it simply, he wasn’t Seth, in any sense. And all of this boiled down to Seth debating internally whether or not this was a positive or negative. Was she so desperate to find something new, something to counter the feelings she still had that she went for someone who more closely resembled Luke than himself? Or, had he messed up to the point that she couldn’t stand to be around anything that reminded her of him on account that it might trigger her rage blackouts.

The simple mention of her name brought Seth’s attention screaming back to the surface and he looked at Ryan, trying to piece together words he had already said with what he was still communicating. “I can’t be friends with her. Not when all I think about is how…” He cut himself off, chin lifting when he thought he’d caught sight of her.

False alarm.

“Maybe you’re right, though. Maybe we should try a semester without women. Just you and I against…” Seth’s words cut off as he was taking over Ryan, and he actually managed to hear the last little bit. “Ryan. I am offended. You always led me to believe that making an ass of myself was part of my charm.”

–––––

Ryan:

Seth was unbelievable. Ryan frowned, stopping dead in his tracks.

“She lost the baby,” he said, shaking his head. “Remember? I got off the phone, I said she lost the baby, we came home?”

He pulled his hand from his pocket and punched Seth’s arm. Shouldn’t have been hard enough to hurt, but he was Seth, so… but a little negative reinforcement always worked on dogs, maybe it would eventually get through to Seth as well.

Ryan could actually hear Seth thinking about Summer and the new guy. He shook his head. Give him a day and a half and he’d be matchmaking Ryan and Marissa and it was going to take more than a punch in the arm to get him off that.

But no. Ryan wasn’t doing it. Too much water under the bridge; messy, painful water. Shoplifting and binge drinking and endless drama that had, at times, made him thinking he might be better off in Chino, or juvie. But a girl like Marissa never stayed single for long. All he had to do was dodge the kick-off carnival (in case of romantic opportunities) and Julie Cooper (no real reason; he just wanted to stay clear) and he’d be fine.

“A semester without women,” Ryan agreed, with his mouth curling into what fell short of a smile. “Start small, Seth. Prove you can do a week without women. If you can’t be friends with Summer, stay away from her.”

He checked his watch. “I’m due with the guidance officer in five minutes. Hey, aim lower. Make it until lunch with no lady drama. I dare you.”

–––––

Seth:

“Right…” Shit. Seth had tried to make it a joke, albeit a weak one, to make light of a dark situation. He had hoped that Ryan was over the whole loss of the baby thing. They were teenagers and it wasn’t as if Ryan had really been in love with Theresa.

With the punch, Seth lifted a hand to cover the place on his arm where he’d been punched. It smarted a little, and Seth was thankful that Ryan had had enough self-restraint to keep it from hurting too much. “Sorry. That was a… That was indelicate, I guess. It was too soon.” While they both stood there, staring at the school, he listened to Ryan’s steady, brooding determination. He was always filled with good intentions, and Seth never really understood why Ryan didn’t just face the inevitable. They’d never go a full week without girls. But it was important to at least claim they were going to try. But Ryan… he believed the words. He believed he’d make it.

“Hey, Ryan, I’m totally over Summer. I don’t want to be with her. I want to… start a comic…” Sure, the idea had always been on his mind, but Seth had never fully decided to try the thing until now – when it was vital that he convince Ryan that he wasn’t going back after the girl for whom he’d once named his boat. I’ll keep clear of her. You keep clear of Marissa. Everything’ll be fine.”

Surely Ryan didn’t believe they’d make it. He had to give in eventually to the inevitable. But in the meantime, Seth could play his game.

“Fine. No lady drama. You go see your guidance officer. I’m going to go get my schedule. My books. See what summer reading we both missed out on because I was sailing and you were…” preparing to be a father, “Away in Chino. I’ll meet you back inside for lunch in… a few hours?”

–––––

Ryan:

With his hand almost on the door, Ryan turned around again. He knew Seth drew, knew he had real talent. A comic book?

That should keep him thoroughly distracted. And for the moment, he looked bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, whatever the fuck that was even supposed to mean. He looked at Ryan like he was at least determined to try. Not bad.

He was never going to look at Ryan the way he looked at Summer, but that whole thing was stupid, and he needed to not let himself think about it. By the end of the week his entire life was going to be Summer this and Summer that. But. A comic book.

He gave Seth a lopsided smile. “Alright,” he said. “A comic book. I’ll see you for lunch.”

––

By the time lunch came around, Ryan felt like the last twelve months hadn’t even happened. He boked miserably at a burrito, and looked over the list of summer reading that he hadn’t done, his assignment from the very well-meaning guidance counsellor, and wondered how long it would take for Marissa to have a disaster that would send him running to her Barbie house with a fire extinguisher and something for her to throw up in.

He felt Seth sit, rather than saw him, and glanced up.

“Guidance counsellor seems to think I should be able to figure out what I wanna do with the rest of my life tonight,” he said. “I’m torn. What do you think? Bartender, or stick with construction?” College seemed like a ridiculous dream. Ryan folded the stack of paper and picked up the burrito again. “You get your timetable? She says I can’t finish mine until I do this assignment. I’m supposed to go to all my current classes and figure out what I like about them and what I don’t.”

The page of his composition book, where he was supposed to make notes about it? Blank.

It shouldn’t have been a difficult thing to do, but it was. He’d barely gotten used to the idea that he could make choices when Theresa, and the baby, had taken it all away. Ryan hated the idea that there was something fragile about that sense of himself, but that was just how it was. He wondered if feeling like the carpet might be pulled out from underneath him anytime was ever going to go away.

“So tell me about your comic book.”

–––––

Seth:

“Oh come on, Ryan. You gotta dream bigger than that,” Seth said as he all but collapsed in the seat next to Ryan, the bag with his books weighing at least ten pounds more than the year before. The tray that his lunch was on clattered against the table and he barely registered what the rest of the low, familiar voice beside him was talking about. “So wait. I’m assuming you told her your story? Did you include this summer as well? It just seems bizarro that she is pushing you this hard to made a decision about the rest of your life when you clearly just got out of a situation that was, in itself, majorly life changing. Or could have been, if things had turned out different.”

For a school that allowed off-campus lunches, the food provided in the lounge really wasn’t bad. The coffee cart was always fresh. The sandwiches always hot. It was like they had their own personal Starbucks, only better, and cheaper. Seth pulled the paper bag away from his chicken and artichoke panini taking a bite and then immediately regretting not letting it cool more first. He breathed through a partially gaping mouth, the bite loose on his tongue, trying to let it cool before proceeding. “Goddamn. I’m not going to be able to taste the rest of this sandwich. But at least I know it’s good from experience, right?”

Seth’s mood was a strange combination of being cautious with Ryan, and wanting to strip away the bandaid and just find their normal level of friendship again. The universe, it seemed, would always be out to get them. There was nothing they could really do to fight it. But at least they had each other – as a quasi best friend, brother, ??? something deeper? – when it seemed they had nobody else.

“The comic book? It was… I mean I’ve been toying around with the idea all summer. Thinking about what I would do, what storyline I could pursue.” Seth shrugged and pulled a sketchbook from his bag and turned about halfway in. On the page were sketches of Captain Oats, himself, even tiny rough drafts of Luke’s face. Nothing was very well polished or done with the proper utensil to make it comic book ready, but it was a start.

If Ryan kept flipping, he would have found one page with both Summer and Marissa sharing, both dressed in costumes that he was sure they would only really ever be caught wearing in the pages of one of his sketchbooks. Well, this was true for Marissa, anyway.

Then there was a page for him, with a collection of ideas listed underneath.

And even further back was Ryan. But for him it wasn’t just a single page of his face beside a panned out shot of his full outfit. But there were close up sketches of his eyes – Seth had been trying so hard to get them just right. There were sketches of the expanse of his shoulders and how the wife-beater fell just so. And of all of the sketches Ryan mightfind if he kept flipping, those of himself were the most finished, the most polished.

The most worked on.

“Anyway. The story. I was thinking, what if instead of a bunch of teenagers in Orange County, we’re teen superheroes in Atomic County.”

–––––

Ryan:

“I didn’t have to tell her much,” he grumbled, his stomach sinking again at the thought of the decisions he was going to have to make in the next two years. But, a dark voice in his head supplied, at least you’ve got choices again.

Ryan pushed his plate aside, with its half-eaten burrito, and took a sip of soda before taking the sketchbook.

“Teen superheroes?” He grinned in spite of himself, and shook his head. “Alright. Hey, Captain Oats looks good. Did he spend the summer working out? Nice muscle tone. Never seen a superhero with a horse before.”

The drawings were good. These couldn’t be first drafts, though they were still rough pencil sketches. It made Ryan itch to look at the pages before this, but he didn’t. The Ironist – Seth – was a good likeness, big warm eyes and those almost cat-like cheekbones. Stronger jaw than you noticed on first glance.

“Is irony a superpower, though?”

He wished he could decipher the look on Seth’s face. His mind was doing that thing it did, operating a million times faster than anyone else’s, too fast for Ryan, who seemed to hit a wall when he was overloaded. And quite possibly punch someone.

Ryan laughed as he turned the page. Summer, comically exaggerated, though it would definitely draw a crowd. And Marissa, too. Ryan shook his head, and grinned at Ryan.

“Credit cards as weapons. I like it.” Marissa’s credit cards were a thing of the past, of course, but at least she looked good. “So who are the bad guys – the water polo team, or the Newpsies? Maybe both?”

He turned the page again. He’d guessed at what would be coming; after all, Seth was hardly going to leave him out of a comic book that featured Summer and Marissa. Best friends, and all. But it was still startling to see himself rendered that way. He was never going to have the muscle mass of Arnold Schwarzenegger, but then, he didn’t really want to. Still funny, though. He leaned in.

“Fists of fury,” he read, off the page. They looked cool. This Ryan was badass. This was not the Ryan who had never won a fight until he moved to Newport. Probably never lost a fight to one of his mother’s boyfriends, either.

He was about to hand it back when he turned the page again, and his mouth went dry.

Close-ups of his face. There was no mistaking him for anyone else. If nothing else, Kid Chino looked like he didn’t have a clue how he was supposed to feel about anything, and that summarized Ryan to a T. He turned the page again. His eyes – Ryan didn’t have to look in a mirror to know they were frighteningly accurate – seemed to be looking somewhere in the middle distance, like he was thinking instead of really looking at something. And sort of sad.

He turned the page again. There had to be more Summer in here. More Marissa, more Seth. Ryan opened his mouth to speak and closed it again, his brain doing the thing where it shut down instead of processing something. Just more Ryan.

“They’re good,” he managed to choke out, turning the page again.

Evidently, Seth hadn’t spent the entire summer thinking about Summer. Ryan scratched the back of his neck, fingers itching to turn the page again. Fuck, he didn’t even want to give the book back. But he closed it, awkwardly, like his wrists wouldn’t bend properly.

He met Seth’s eyes again. Fuck this summer; how long was it going to mess with his head? He missed the days the summer before, just him and Seth and nothing messing things up.

“You should do it. If you want, we can do the thing tonight where you talk a lot and I grunt when I like something. You know, if you need ideas.”

~cancelled verse~