#Round Friend is here to take your mind off of how bad Tumblr desktop looks now!

[nostalgicfun]

Round Friend 🌈

[belphegor1982]

Got tagged by @kikabennet! 

when did you last sing to yourself?

Yesterday, since I’ve currently been awake for an hour and a half. Might have been either “Bonnie Portmore” or “Here’s a Health (To The Company)”. I’ve been putting a lot of shanties and pirates/sailing-related films soundtracks on to draw to (and hopefully write to) lately. (EDIT: Ooops - yep, wrote that yesterday around 11AM, so make that this afternoon; I hummed while I drew along with the first 3 Pirates of the Caribbean soundtracks. It’s so darn hummable.)

if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know?

Who was the Man in the Iron Mask!? (I know better than to ask personal/family truths :S Besides, I’m curious.)

(putting the rest under a cut...)

what is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

Being able to speak (mostly) and read/write English fluently.

what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise?

When my mum was in the hospital with my newborn baby sister, my dad would take me see them, and before that we’d stop for ice cream and a ride on the merry-go-round. That’s what comes to mind when I read “first happy memory”.

if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living?

I’d go see my family and friends who live far away a lot more, and eat a lot more of my favourite things.

do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things?

I don’t, really ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

describe a person close to your life in detail

The Best Beloved is tallish (1,77m - that’s… 5′10?), with dark brown hair, green eyes, skin that tans easily even in winter, and glasses. …and that’s as much detail as I’m comfortable putting.

do you feel you had a happy childhood?

On the whole, yes. Could’ve done without the bullying at school and the undermining of self-confidence at home, though.

when did you last cry in front of another person?

Don’t remember, so it must be at least a fortnight.

pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them

My dad, who used to sail with a compass. I don’t think he knows much about constellations, but he’s always willing to share memories, even if sometimes he doesn’t remember he’s told them multiple times.

would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them?

Probably. I shouldn’t, though. Strangers being by definition strangers, you never know where that information is going and how it might be used (possibly against you).

when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you?

We both were tired and ended up going to bed around half past midnight, so no 3AM conversation, but my friend Sandrine last week.

if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom?

…I have no idea? I think I’d concentrate really hard on not dying :S

what is your opinion on brown eyes?

Why would it matter tho I have brown eyes and for the longest time I thought they were boring. It doesn’t help that brown hair and eyes are basically the default where I grew up/live. Then I grew up and moved on.

pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally

George Bernard Shaw’s “Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.” Life is complicated, all about balance between extremes and absolutes. Don’t trust people who tell you the world is grim and serious just because they are. And while getting the giggles at a funeral/wake is inappropriate, it doesn’t mean you’re heartless.

what would you title the autobiography of your life so far?

Wait, What

what would you do with one billion dollars?

I’d keep half a dozen millions for me (car and house debts), my family and my friends, and give the rest to social services, healthcare, and public services in general.

are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way?

Ehhh… It’s complicated. I tend to hold grudges when I can remember why, but I rarely do something about it. On the whole I’m pretty “live and let live”.

would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel?

Neither, really. I’m too soft for punk, but pastel’s not really my thing either.

how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain

I’m too much of a wuss to even consider getting either, but they look great on other people. When I get a spot on my tongue I wonder how people with a tongue piercing manage to keep it, though. It’s very distracting.

do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not?

As a rule, no, but if I work or if I’m invited somewhere I’ll throw on a bit of eyeliner and lipstick. (I should raid my makeup drawer, really, some of my lipstick cases are almost 20 years old and you should NOT do that.)

talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way

In high school I saw a psychologist (junior high was NOT a happy time and the bad stuff just overflowed at one point) and went to an outpatient clinic every Wednesday. They had lots of activities, like painting on silk, various art stuff, and a band, and I loved that band. I was one of the only ones who’d request songs to sing in English. The guitarist introduced me to the Beatles’ “Something”, which I didn’t know, and to this day when I hear this lovely song I think of that guy who had a great smile, a great sense of humour and a great moustache (think George Harrison on Let It Be) who helped me get better.

list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel

Not to brag, but back in my uni days I did go to a number of them - K’s Choice, Coldplay, King Khan And His Shrines, M, Tom McRae are among the ones I remember. And a couple months ago I went to a rock concert with three bands one after the other. I love live music, it feels amazing. It courses through my body, makes me grin like a maniac, and want to jump and flail around just to vent the excess energy. And all this without a single drop of beer! (can’t stand the stuff :P)

who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say?

I’d love a letter from the national loto that says “here’s a giant check even though you haven’t scratched a ticket in years” :P More seriously, I LOVE receiving letters from my Internet friends.

do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised?

I don’t really have a workspace. I have a desk, which has the desktop screen, keyboard, mouse/graphic tablet, and a whole lot of mess of papers, pens, boxes, and stuff. I can use either that desk or my laptop in my armchair.

what is your night time routine?

Finish watching the movie/tv show, look at Tumblr a bit (and/or stuff on the laptop, like TV Tropes), go to bed, read a bit on my Kindle, kiss the Best Beloved good night, switch off the lights, and try to sleep.

what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know?

Anything about my intimate life, thanks.

if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why?

I experimented a bit with henna back in the day, but generally I just have haircuts (I have too little hair to risk harming it). I’d like some reddish highlights one day, though.

pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do?

Eehhh... I’d rather stay at home and chill :P Okay, I’d take the Best Beloved and my friends Melody, Nico, Sandrine, and Aldric, and head to Marquèze. (wish their website had an English version, it’d be better.) It’s an ecomuseum about local life in the early 1800s/early 1900s, with preserved traditional houses and people showing skills like dyeing fabric, shepherding, making flour (there’s a watermill) and all sorts of cakes and bread and snacks, and an entire day isn’t too much to visit everything.

name three wishes and why you wish for them

I wish:

I had a decently-paying job from home,

my friend Sandrine’s mum were/will be all right (don’t ask),

we had the house extension built already

what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up

We didn’t have Halloween when I was growing up, it really only started to be a thing in earnest a decade or two ago. Although... One time when we lived in Bordeaux, the Best Beloved and I were invited to a housewarming party on Halloween, so people would wear costumes. I went as a witch, with a long black skirt, long-sleeve thing with black lace (-ish), long black and white wig, and of course black lipstick and lots of black around the eyes. The Best Beloved had made a cloak, a scythe of sorts with cardboard and foil, and had a scary death head mask on. We didn’t have a car and the friend lived in Saint-Médard (which is relevant), so we had to ask around the bus drivers for which bus went there.

So picture the two of us dressed as we were, mask and all, well after dark, asking around for the “S&M” bus. Yep :P (People stared at us during the ride, and unlike the Best Beloved, I didn’t have the luxury of a mask to hide my laughter...)

what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high?

The only time I got slightly tipsy I went a little pink and apparently talked a little louder than usual. I’ve never got drunk (too afraid of stomachache later) or high (it took my mum two heart attacks to quit smoking and I’m wondering if she hasn’t taken it up again, I can’t hold a cigarette, tobacco or otherwise).

what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars?

Hurt people, probably. If I wouldn’t do it for ten dollars I wouldn’t do it for a million - if you agree to one or the other the rest is just haggling over price.

if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair?

I don’t think I have the right face shape for that - my face is too round, longer hair suits me better.

what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone?

I live 126 km (78 miles) from the nearest Starbucks, when I walk by one the queue is huge, and the prices are well beyond my range :> But I’d trust the Best Beloved. He’d still ask me, though.

what is the most important thing to you in your life right now?

Being happy and/or stress-free. Also the oncoming Papa Bear Awards nominations in a week and the Eurovision Song Context coming up in May :D

Tagging @radarsteddybear, @rose-of-pollux, @truxi-twice, @myrling-art, @iorvethscommando, and @toooldforthisbutstill! :o)

[qohesive-blog]

so we’ve got some catching up to do - obligatory college reflection // 170712

Not. Letting. This. One. Slide.

Yes, I am aware that it’s been almost exactly a year since my last post here, and I’ve got no one but myself to blame. It’s not because omg, college kept me so busy (it was), it’s not because I deleted tumblr from my phone (because I can still go on desktop), it’s not because I was so happy and satisfied with my life that I don’t need a creative outlet anymore (couldn’t be further from the truth; if anything, I need to write now more than ever); in fact, I’ve probably lost count of how many times I lied cozy in my bed, no plans on a Friday night, thinking to myself hm it’s literally been 6 months since I’ve written something even though I made a huge deal about writing consistently. oh well, can’t be bothered and then gone to watch yet another episode of Jane the Virgin. Unlike most things in my life, I won’t spend time here trying to overanalyze the specific reasons why it’s so dang hard for me to commit to writing, if there are any subconscious fears or personality traits that drive this. All I can say is that I’m exceedingly thankful for the people who God have gifted with the power of words that inspire one to move, and that I am a lazy ‘lil pooper, and that I will continue to fight the good fight. Moving on, let’s get straight into business:

Obligatory First Year College Reflection

So school officially ended over two months ago, and needless to say, I’ve been given plenty of time to reflect on my first two semesters of college. Gosh, where do I start….

The Good

I’ve had the opportunity to meet a handful of kind, genuine people who made my day brighter whenever I saw them, as well as a handful of hilarious people who make me laugh, understand my humor, make me feel comfortable, and who I just generally “click” with. And it’s been really hard for me to find those sort of people in college. 

(Angela, Claire, Tracy: in a place where I felt like I had to constantly put on at least some kind of act, you guys let me feel like myself. Thank you.)

HSM!! Composed primarily out of all the freshman people who met at AAIV. I’m thankful I was able to connect with a good group of Asian Christians who I know can support me and who I can support as well. I love you guys! 

The opportunity to get closer to Hannah and Jon! I first met Hannah at winter retreat like 4 years back, but we haven’t really talked until we were paired for STM last summer. Being able to see her every week and grabbing the occasional meal together has honestly been such a blessing this year. She’s a brilliant, hilarious, beautiful sister in Christ and I’m really really thankful she’s here at OSU. For Jon, we got closer senior year of high school, but this year we were able to actually hang out more since he’s more involved in the asian community. He’s probably the guy friend that I have the most fun with just because whenever we’re around each other we both get super goofy and it’s just a nice, refreshing breath of air from all the other stress in my life when I’m able to be around someone who I don’t have to pretend to be someone I’m not. Through both Jon and Hannah, I’ve been able to have some pretty meaningful conversations about faith that made me reflect about my life when I otherwise would have just went with the flow of school and work.

A satisfactory relationship with my roommate. Natalie and I…..we’re not best friends, but we also don’t hate each other’s guts like most roommate horror stories I hear about. Sure, it was awkward at first because we didn’t really talk that much outside of typical pleasantries, but after a while I started to realize that it was simply her personality: Natalie is, like me at the core, introverted, a minimalist but efficient conversationalist, and one who doesn’t usually initiate conversation. And although it’s a bummer that I’m not coming out of my first year of college, locked arm-in-arm with my newfound soulmate and a binding roommate for the next three years, I appreciated the pocket of peace and quiet that Natalie offered me whenever I came back to the room, exhausted from networking events and club meetings and talking to people I didn’t want to talk to, to some much appreciated solace. Nevertheless, throughout our time together I was slowly able to see some of Natalie’s hidden quirks that she conceals underneath a seemingly stoic exterior; she spends her Friday nights baking cookies for us, she refers to herself as a “free bird”, she blasts country music in the shower and sings along with it when she doesn’t know that I came home early. 

Expanding my circle of people I usually interact with. All throughout high school, I’ve mainly just kept to my comfortable Asian community. Not that there was ever anything wrong with that, and not that I’ve completely changed from that, but I just wanted to put myself in situations in which I wasn’t used to, just because I think it’s important for me to do so since I literally can’t socialize with non asians lol. 

(Jon, Natalie, Alex, Jess, Erin, Truman, Tyeal, Gitu, Emma, Shiyuan, Ros, Joling, Dillon, Johann: you guys really didn’t have to keep talking to me. I know I’m super awkward, weird, and just generally not the typical person you’d hang out with, but you guys tolerated me at the least and made your way into my life at the most. Thank you for talking about your favorite books with me, and letting me show you my favorite youtube videos. Thank you for acting disappointed when I said I was going to go up to my room at because my shift ended an hour ago and I wanna sleep, dangit, and then being genuinely excited to see me reluctantly agree to stay a little longer. Thank you for showing me your collection of sketches when I showed you my own, and then drawing your own sketch of me for me to keep. Thank you for stopping at my room, knocking frantically at my door at 2am to freak out over relationship drama, and even though I may have answered the door all grumpy, mouth set in a scowl because I had an 8am the next morning, secretly I was relieved that I had been able to reach that level of closeness with a new friend.)

Really good grades!!!! Like, realllyyyy good, like I got all A’s!!!!!!! I’m actually pretty excited about this one, since in high school each semester was usually tainted by one bad grade. To be fair, first year business students don’t exactly have the most difficult of schedules, but I’m gonna choose optimism over cynicism this time and take the opportunity to feel proud of myself. I maintained a pretty good work ethic throughout the two semesters, and the best part of it? I think I’m falling in love with learning again. Seriously, I’m excited to learn. High school was different; in high school, I got the A not because I learned the material well, but because all I had in mind were collegescollegescolleges. Now that pressure is off- I’m at a mediocre state school with a lot less competition and a lot less toxicity, and that’s really given me the chance to reexamine my  relationship with education and place it under a whole new light. It helps that most of my professors were pretty amazing (Writing for Engineers and Anthropology professors come to mind) and the courses I choose got me absolutely PUMPED to get to class (Chinese Film, Korean). Of course, perhaps I’m speaking too early and I’ll actually find myself hating school once again when I’m drowning under accounting and statistics next year, but I’ll enjoy the feeling while it lasts…..

Tried new things. This year, I joined a J2K group that was doing Seventeen’s Aju nice. The last time I performed dance was in 3rd grade during my fleeting one year relationship with ballet. I’m not a horrible dancer by any means, but I’m also far from the best; in fact, I’d probably place myself slightly below average. Nevertheless, I’m pretty proud that I was able to try out this new experience, and all the hours we put in each week practicing never felt like work; it was always a fun time dancing with the other people on my team and learning how to make our moves look better. Spring semester, I also joined a fraternity. Phi Chi Theta is a professional business fraternity, but it was still something that was way out of my comfort zone. I unfortunately did not realize this fact until a few months after I joined since I jumped into it rather impulsively, but I have too much pride in me to drop it (and I also already paid $150 for two semesters). I don’t want to shy away from this just because I’m not comfortable, though. Most of the people here in PCT are really different than me. They party, drink, make jokes that I’m not used to, and are just a group that I would not have associated with if it not had been for a) a few of my friends in PCT who told me it was a good group b) my pride c) the stinging rejection of not making it past the final round of BUCC interviews (a topic for a later date) d) my pride e) my pride (sensing a pattern here? once again, a topic for a later date). Given the second chance, I honestly would not have chosen to rush PCT again, but….I’m here. And even though most of the people here are intimidating, there’s also a few handful of people that I’m curious to get to know a little better, so for the time being I have to work with what I got. 

There’s probably a lot of other good stuff that have happened, but for the sake of cutting this short, I’m gonna move on. Hopefully I can revisit this topic later!

The Bad

Social anxiety. Not actual, diagnosed social anxiety, but…I don’t know. Looking back at it all, I was very, very, very naive when I applied to colleges. I thought just because I enjoyed talking among my little bubble of friends back home meant that I was a social butterfly and thus suited for business. WRONG. I’m not a social butterfly, as I quickly learned within my few first months here. Maybe I’m just really good at hiding it or something because literally the amount of people who have been shocked when I say I’m an introvert….(which is actually extremely disturbing to me lol because I’m like the biggest insecure introvert in the entire world what the heck) I hate talking, people make me nervous, I constantly recite conversations in my head before I say them, I freak out over me messing up on a word which makes me mess up even more, I hate frat parties, I hate it when I have to leave my room, I just hate hate hate hate social interaction I DON’T LIKE IT. It scares me and I can literally feel my skin crawl thinking about how awkward I am. The thing is, none of these fears really came to light until this year; I, at one point, even questioned if I were an extrovert back in high school. You know what, though? It was because home was familiar. Jerome friends were people who I literally spent 4+ years growing up with. Church friends, some twice as long, even longer. I was “social” because I was comfortable, and I also thrived within the subcultures that I was familiar with. But coming here? Everything is different. I’m not in the Dublin bubble anymore, I can’t make the same jokes around my asian friends as I do around other people. This literally broke me lol I had an identity crisis. I stopped speaking up, I feel constantly self conscious about everything, my face turns red when I’m the slightest bit embarrassed (I’ve never had that happen to me before), and I stutter when I talk. But even with these things, I look pretty much normal from an external point of view; I don’t think people think this way about me when they first meet me as much as I do. I feel like these things are so big just because I’m hyperaware of everything but I’m scared that if given enough time, they will become so big that other people start to notice too. I’m actually mildly bitter towards high school and Jerome because I was so sheltered there; people have told me Jerome was weird but this is the first time I’m actually understanding the meaning of that lol. Jerome is weird, we don’t socialize with people the way you typically socialize with people in college, and I really should be more than mildly bitter at both the environment I grew up in and myself for not being more proactive, but at the same time, I’m not sure if I would change it. Weird. Need more time to think about this.

Slightly related, a crippling anxiety that business may not be the right path for me. Yeah, so I hate talking to people and speaking up. Literally the opposite of business. A part of me wonders if me taking AP Chemistry freshman year at Jerome was a contributing factor in me not wanting to pursue science. A big part of me wants to say yes. I wasn’t bad at Chem or Bio, not bad at all, but the pressure of forcing myself to take an AP class as a freshman really ruined learning science for me and left a bad taste in my mouth at the mention of science ever since then. Now, I realize that I really wasn’t horrible at those subjects and am familiar with a more efficient way to learn and I can’t help but feel that my personality is more suited for science, maybe biology or something? I value school and I value education and genuity and kindness and I’ve met some business students who don’t really meet that. Of course, I’m sure there are business majors who are the most amazing people you could meet, but I can firmly, 300% say that I’ve statistically clicked better with non-business majors. Once again, though, I’m too stubborn to drop this, and  part of me is hoping that things will get better when my classes get smaller and I get to know Fisher students a little better. Fingers crossed.

I don’t really feel connected to church. I wanted to take both semesters off from 4c and try out some other churches in Columbus for the sake of expanding my comfort circle, and because I really needed a break (once again, a topic for a later time). Well, I didn’t exactly do just that. Whether it’s because I did so out of guilt or out of my own free will, I still went to 4c. Not every week, but enough that I didn’t really fully immerse myself in a different church for the duration of last year. As a result, I was neither fully committed to 4c nor other churches. I’ve given it some thought though, and though I’m a bit disappointing that I didn’t get to spend as much time with the Veritas congregation as I wanted to, I think I should still stick to 4c for now. There’s resignations that I have about 4c, but at the end of the day, it’s my home church, and I feel like I should stay and take time to build its community.

The Things Yet to Come

Of course, it would suck to end on such a depressing note. here’s a few of the things to come in the future, some potentially good, some potentially bad; I hate having my expectations crushed so I like to keep future thoughts mostly ambivalent.

I’m gonna be a membership chair for KSA next year! Equally mixed feeling about this. Considering my earlier rant about ihatetalkingithinki’mawkwardnoonewantstotalktome, and considering family heads are basically the forefront of internal communications with the club, I’m extremely, extremely nervous. Thomas and Lisa know what they’re doing though, and they’ve done a good job so far about getting all of us to help prepare the basic details for next year. I just really, really don’t want to disappoint them and I don’t want the disappoint the rest of the e-board who picked me to be one of the four family heads out of all the rest of everyone to apply. KSA is a really cool organization, and I’d love for me to be able to personally get to know a small portion of its members, and I really, really hope my anxiety doesn’t get in the way. I’ve got a few things prepared to hopefully make the experience memorable for my future family: I got a new camera that I’m planning on vlogging with whenever we go on outings, I ordered a bunch of stationary so I can write cute birthday notes to people, and I wanna make a survey to hand out to everyone at the first meeting to gauge everyone’s expectations and get to know them on a basic level (aka taking a picture of everyone’s faces and memorizing them because I’m horrible with names). I’m praying that I won’t be too awkward to my family next semester

asl;dfjalkj ROOMING WITH HSM GIRLS AHHHHHHHH I’m so excited for this yes yes yes!!! Meeting new people has been quite the experience last year but I’ve been absolutely hyped for the opportunity to finally be able to be on the same floor as the ladies who I feel most comfortable with !!! I’ll be rooming with maddie, Claire with Hannah, and then Jesse with a random roommate and we’ll all be in one square. I myself have spent the past month pinning and buying home decor for me and maddie’s room (at the expense of my poor wallet) and last week I made this really sweet flower pressed picture frame! This is the first time I’ve actually been this involved with home decor lol; my room has always been a hideous amalgram of  clippings, notebooks, trinkets, just everything that I’m too afraid to throw away. Planning for next year’s room has really changed me lol. I’m even thinking of going back and reorganizing my shelf (!!!) once I get home to make my room look more ~minimalistic~ lol.

New freshmennnnnnnnn hehehehe I’m actually kind of eager to see the new freshmen that are gonna be on campus next year. Pretty stoked that Hannah and Jenna will still be here; hopefully I’ll use this opportunity to get closer to them! It’ll be nice finally graduating from the #new2osu rank hahahaha.

Classes! This one is also kind of mixed lol. I’m really looking forward to Korean, I’ve been practicing over the summer and kind of miss seeing my classmates every day. Accounting and Stats I’m absolutely terrified for since I’ve never been good with numbers, but after the events of last year I’m filled with a determination I’ve never felt before to tackle tough academics and maybe turn them into my strengths???? For what it’s worth, I bought a bunch of new notebooks from IKEA and new highlighters and that always motivates me to take real good notes.

So there’s probably a million things that I’m missing, but I’ve been sitting here typing for the good majority of 3 hours and my fingers feel kind of funny hahaha. I got the basic stuff for the most part, and it feels really really satisfying to have finally been able to lay something down on this blog after a year hiatus. There’s definitely topics that I still wanna write about, so here’s to the continued battle against inertia and an ever inspired heart!