#Ronan and Gansey’s outward presentations and even Adam’s original perceptions of them vs how they effect him

[cabeswaterdrowned]

There are really interesting dynamics at play in Adam’s description of Gansey making his apartment seem shabbier by being there and the contrast of Ronan fitting there, it’s a layered outlook he has because it shows how much he idolizes Gansey to a point where even now after realizing a few things about his being more motivated by fear and trauma in a way that’s similar to Adam rather than a total opposite, Adam still sees and conceives of Gansey as grand and beautiful in a way that’s larger than life, that he feels inadequate in comparison to and feels he doesn’t deserve in his life. And when it comes to the reasons his admiration of Gansey manifests in such unhealthy outlooks and feelings towards himself even at this stage after a mini breakthrough, there are the things that Gansey is as a symbol that Adam admires and is infatuated by the charm the beauty the seamless masking the wealth and status, power,polished and princely persona and then there’s also his admiration and love for who Gansey is; kind good brave beautiful loving generous warm complicated intellectual hungry to learn wondrous interesting. He covets and is enamored by both sides, but his love for Gansey as a whole person while real has to exist in this charged hyper-intense space, and is harder to let himself feel and express in vacuums when Gansey is a physical presence in front of him. A lot of that comes from class dynamics and then a lot of it comes from timing, Gansey was Adam’s introduction to and model for love and that’s a huge thing, so in every interaction or beat of their relationship even as the way he sees Gansey evolves and he grows to accept him more as a flawed complicated person, that fifteen year old Adam who stopped at the side of the road wanting to know the beautiful clever impressive boy but fearing cruelty and rejection and not being good enough / being pitiable, but then was shown kindness and curiosity and formed a real connection he still felt undeserving of / didn’t know to trust is So present emotionally even if not intellectually (because Adam is often far more emotionally erratic than he wants to see himself as and that’s the most extreme regarding Gansey, again because it was so formative). Adam’s soft underbelly gets exposed unwillingly in his relationship with Gansey in a way that’s really visceral and even more so because Adam avoids acknowledging / puts up defenses with prey animal anger and fear, and Gansey can’t see that this is the case because he can’t see through those shields and so thinks of Adam as mostly impervious to him when that’s not the case at all.

When Adam is eventually vulnerable with Ronan, it’s a lot more about Adam’s active choice to be that way or at least it is when he eventually gets to accepting his feelings for Ronan which come with accepting his own capacity to love and be loved. And through that he does expose himself to be vulnerable with Ronan in a way he hasn’t been with anyone else ever. Right now he is being vulnerable with Ronan in a way without acknowledging that to himself either, but it’s a vulnerability in terms of allowing himself to seek comfort in that relationship. Which Adam can do because Ronan, despite Adam associating him with danger in a later chapter which I’ll talk about when I get there, is someone Adam can be his unchecked self around and relax around instead of being on edge and self conscious, which is a sign that (at this point td3 is a different story) they can be good together in a way Adam and Gansey can’t. And I do think that the check out counter scene, even with the likelihood it wasn’t Ronan, is on the same level of integral memory to Adam as his first meeting with Gansey, but that boy made Adam want to be like him but wasn’t perceiving him and so Adam wasn’t thinking of how pitiable he was to him in that moment, just the “he had never wanted to be someone else so badly” (like I said previously I think all types of want and desire intersect with jealousy for Adam there’s more on that later, but he wants to take on qualities he loves in everyone he loves, he doesn’t love himself.) And then their friendship developed later on organically without the same level of idolization of it, so I think that’s part of the difference (as well as other things about the perception of Gansey vs Ronan’s wealth and how socialization around their different types of wealth effected them which I will talk more about in a few chapters).