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jodilin65 · 20 years ago

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SUNDAY, MAY 30, 2004 I’m moving my schedule around, finally. I got stuck getting up around 5 PM for a while there, but tonight I got up at 9:30. I should be up for most of the day by the time people start looking at the furniture which should be around Wednesday.

We’re tentatively on for departure on the 11th, so 12 more days!

Due to the increasing heat, we’re making tonight the last night we open windows.

A few days ago we were surprised by the winner of the Madonna laser disc paying up. Finally! So that leaves just the two incense auctions we got stiffed on.

For about a week now, I’ve been winning on Lucky Surf’s slot machine which allows me to play their lotto 3 times a day instead of just once. Once we’re moved, I hope to psych out some money at the online casinos we could never go to in this state. I don’t know if it’ll be all that fun doing it online, though. It just wouldn’t be like the real thing that way, but there are game contests that may be fun. Mah Jong is my favorite game.

I have vibes saying Tom will work in the small town of Bonanza for $10 an hour.

On his way out to the store this morning to get treats for the car races he planned to watch today, he mentioned getting a ticket. I told him could, but that it’d lose. He asked if that was an opinion or a vibe and I told him it was a vibe. He also asked if that meant he shouldn’t bother, but I told him to do what he wanted. So he came home with the ticket and mixed hopes. He wanted me to be wrong, obviously, because he wanted to win, but he also wanted me to be right so that would give him even more hope of me being right when I say the title’s coming Tuesday. As I reminded him, no psychic is perfect, and that the more negative the vibe, the more likely I am to be right. Not winning the ticket may not be sensing we’re going to be killed in a car accident, I told him, but there’s a 90% - 95% chance I’m right when I say it’ll lose and probably an 80% chance the title will come on Tuesday.

SATURDAY, MAY 29, 2004 We changed our swap meet plans yet again and decided to concentrate on the furniture this week, then do the swap meet next Saturday. That way, not only will my schedule be better for it, but we can bring a sign to let people know we’ll be having a moving sale the following day.

I’m going to dread the day I run out of story ideas. Without Tom having introduced me to computers, Mary’s inspiration, and my loving to write, I’d go insane with boredom!

Later…

We can’t get the title till Tuesday and Mary can’t get my book till then as well, because I forgot that Monday’s Memorial Day. This is one of the reasons why we chose not to swap meet it this weekend. We figured there wouldn’t be as many people.

Gina loved the incense and gave Tom the name of a place to rent the dumpster at, as well as someone who may take the green truck and the big spool of wire we’ve got from one of the times they worked on the cursed well. Tom gave her his email address in case she had trouble getting to the store and told her we wouldn’t restock it till we moved.

Although it’s still working, even I noticed the funny sound in the AC when I was outside early this morning. It’s definitely sick, and the newcomers are definitely already cursed. That’s alright, Tom got the RV AC working, so if worse came to worst and it crapped out on us before we left, we have that as well as the window AC.

About a week ago I told Tom I had a feeling that bulbs would start burning out before we left, and sure enough, a bulb blew in each bathroom as well as my office. It’s okay, though, because we need to use up the spare 60-watt bulbs we have. Whatever’s left will just get left here as we’re going to wire our place for 100 watts and not 60s like this place has.

Since media mail rates are so low, we decided to mail books to us that we still think we can sell to free up more space in the truck/RV.

Guess I’m not as afraid of heights as I thought, seeing that I climbed to the top of the RV the other day. It’s higher up than you’d think.

I feel like, in a sense, we finally got to fight back and win as far as the bank’s concerned by selling out to Huey. We may not have put them out in the way they put us out, but still, we fought back and beat them at their own game. And they weren’t finished with us. They wanted to sell this place and leave us with nothing but a 30-day notice.

FRIDAY, MAY 28, 2004 When I’m right, I’m right, and when he’s right, he’s right. And it does look like he was right, assuming these people know what they’re talking about. Every now and then even I check out my junk mail. Well, there was an ad for this site that answers people’s questions pertaining to sex. Surprisingly, there was a guy, who just like Tom, couldn’t cum while his girlfriend could. Only difference is that this guy didn’t seem to like it one bit so that’s why he was asking for answers.

The guy answering the question said it was an unusual question since the roles are usually reversed, and I’m thinking to myself, tell me about it! It was a really awkward situation to be in back when Tom and I were more than friends with me cumming and him almost never doing so. It just felt weird. It was like I was the guy and he was the woman. It later mentioned how 30% of the women can’t cum by penetration alone, and again I wondered why am I only in the norm if it’s in a not-so-good way? Oh well. I don’t expect we’ll ever have sex again anyway.

In response to the cumless guy, sure enough, he mentioned the fear of creating a pregnancy as a possibility, assuming they’re not trying to make a baby or on any form of reliable birth control if they aren’t. Depending on whether or not the guy could get off in other ways besides inside his girlfriend would maybe answer that. Well, Tom certainly never got off other ways. I must admit that the few times he did, it was inside me.

The most shocking thing I read was that a guy really can get off without ejaculating. I remember the few times Tom insisted he came when I didn’t feel any wetness and I was like, no way, dude. Guys can’t fake it, so don’t even try to bullshit me. Well, maybe he wasn’t.

Knowing that most guys don’t want kids, it’s amazing there are so many people in the world. I know some guys either insist on birth control or refrain from cumming inside a woman, but I guess most just don’t care till it’s too late. Guys aren’t very bright creatures, so they don’t stop to think of the possible consequences up front. They just follow their dicks and let accidents happen. So it isn’t that they’re okay with creating kids, but that they don’t stop to think ahead of time that they might be doing just that.

George stopped by to ask Tom about the stakes while I slept, and Tom filled him in on what was going on. I was wondering when people would come to ask about them. Anyway, George said he wanted to buy half the well, which didn’t surprise us. We knew he was always after that well as that’d up his property value significantly. Out here, wells are what either make or break a property.

And yes, the renters are in the process of moving. I wish they’d move like right now. I’m sick of their damn dogs spoiling the nighttime peace when the windows are open. I mean, you got barking everywhere now. There are new dogs barking that moved in in front, and there’s just barking everywhere and in every direction, but the renter’s dogs do account for most of it. It’s okay, though. It’s going to get too hot for opening windows at sunset soon enough and we’re almost out of here.

He said he bought the corral from the renters and was worried it was on this property (now, after all this time?). But as Tom told him, we don’t care. We’re leaving. If he wants in on the well at all, he’s got to take it up with Huey. It’s not ours anymore, thank God!

Hopefully, the furniture won’t take long to sell. Especially with us selling it so cheap and doing what we do best – saving people a ton of money. That and the car are getting listed tomorrow for sure.

THURSDAY, MAY 27, 2004 Tom got the shell put on the truck. It’s not permanently attached. It’d take an hour, but it can be removed if need be.

Even if the title doesn’t come before the weekend (I vibe it’ll come Monday) we can still use the truck for the swap meet. It’ll actually be easier because we won’t have to bother covering and securing things down with a tarp. We can just throw the stuff in the shell and go. We’re not sure if we will go, but just in case, I’m pushing my schedule around as fast as I can to be available for whatever comes up. Then I’ll definitely, definitely remain on days till Oregon. Or at least till we hit the road. Along the way there, there’s no way I’ll be able to sleep at night with the rats squeaking and him snoring, so I’ll probably do most of my sleeping in the daytime, letting the RV’s motor lull me to sleep. He said the RV will be pretty much all mine once we get there and get a tent up. Then he’ll only have to use it for the bathroom and shower. I just can’t wait till we get the septic and the garage/room/bath up! Those are the two initial main hurdles we have to get over, then from there on out, it’ll be smooth sailing. Or at least just a matter of us building more and more as time and money permits. My vibes are now saying he’ll get a job that pays around $10 an hour which would be nice. Originally I had $ 8-an-hour vibes.

So, it’ll just be for the drive up there that I’ll be really put out as far as sleeping and being cramped in goes with no space/privacy. Once we’re there I can throw the plants outside. Or the trees, I should say.

Whenever the trip starts getting to me, though with the RV versus the truck, it shouldn’t be too bad, I’ll think of Mary and the hell she went through when they extradited her. I’ll think of how she had to sit in a seat that I’m sure had no padding, all the while she was cuffed and shackled, and how she had to sleep in a cold, hard jail cell with others at night. That is after she was led there at gunpoint.

As for the furniture - we may not bother putting ads online. Instead, we might sell it all to this new secondhand store that opened in Maricopa. We haven’t decided for sure how we’re going to go about that, but we’ll be deciding soon enough. The 11th is only 15 days away, assuming that’s going to be our departure date.

I was sitting in the dark by the retreat window, letting the cool dry air wash over me as I sipped my chocolate velvet coffee. You don’t get to do that too often in the desert. It’s either too hot or too cold. Anyway, even though I’ve been ready to go now for some time, it was nice, and I enjoyed it because I know I won’t be doing that much longer. The breeze is perfect tonight. If it’s too calm, then it’s the same as having the windows shut which means that the house will simply retain heat. The breeze, however, keeps things flowing comfortably.

We’re also thinking of renting a dumpster for anything we don’t want that doesn’t sell. The big one we rented in Phoenix when he replaced the roof was $250, so I’m sure a smaller one will be around $100 or less. We think it’ll be easier to just dump everything that way rather than make a million trips to the dump. It may also serve as an enticement to people coming to the moving sale we’re going to have soon, too. This is because we’ll tell them that anything that doesn’t go, gets dumped in the dumpster. I think in the end, while we’ll try to get whatever money we can for the furniture, most of the other stuff will be giveaways.

I swear I’d snap my fingers and have it be the 11th tomorrow if I could!

Because it costs more than twice as much for new cartridges as opposed to new printers, we may just get new printers whenever I run out of ink. They come with cartridges and they’re only $30. The only question is what to do with all the printers we’ll accumulate when their cartridges die. No one would bid on them because it’d cost more to ship them than it would for them to get one wherever they live.

I think the renters are away or in the process of moving because their property is emptier than I’ve ever seen it. Their dogs, however, are still back there, only they’re penned up and not loose like they usually are.

I did some research about talking to plants and whether or not it really helps them. Many people think so, but not because they can understand or detect voices. Plants grow better when they have more carbon dioxide. The level of carbon dioxide in ordinary air is quite low, but the air we breathe out has a lot more. If you talk to a plant, you breathe on it, giving it extra carbon dioxide.

If anyone needs a breather, it’s the palm. It is such an incredibly slow-growing tree!

For over a year I had this wart on my calf. I started getting really sick of it, so I put a spell on it, and sure enough, it’s going away! Prayer may be good, but witchcraft is better. At least for me, it is. Now why oh why can’t I make my fat go away? I guess something up there doesn’t want me doing that. I just have to live with it and accept it, even if I don’t like it as I said before.

I was checking online to see if there’s anything new going on with Kate. For some of those I’ve been attracted to, the attraction happened right away, and other times it took time. Well, the more I see her, the more I think the actress, Lauren Stamile, who played Kate in the movie I recently saw, is quite a babe. She doesn’t compare to Kate, but she’s got nice really dark hair and eyes, she’s tall, and she’s got a great body.

Later…

I was stunned to learn that I slept through quite a thunderous boom yesterday. Today, I got up earlier than I wanted to, though nothing woke me up. Although I pumped myself with caffeine towards the end of my day yesterday, I still fell asleep earlier than normal, so that’s why I got up earlier.

The unexplainable foul odors continue to come and go in waves for no apparent reason and from no apparent origin, but I know it’s whatever evil haunts this place. Even Tom’s able to smell it lately. This alone makes me ready enough to move, let alone the huge mortgage we’ll be giving up, the biting ants, the fact that we could be sitting ducks, the booms, dust, openness, heat, hunters, scorpions, giant spiders, dogs, frequent outdoor activity, disgusting water, reverse discrimination, and nasty freeloader memories. The only things I’m going to miss are the palms, cactuses and wildlife, though there’ll be wildlife there to enjoy as well, and I’ll have an indoor palm if my spells keep working. I suppose I’ll also miss the heat when it gets really cold there, and especially when it gets snowy. Tom thinks we’ll probably look forward to snowy days since they won’t be all that common there, but I say he can have them. The only thing I’m going to enjoy during those snowy days is the fact that I won’t have to be out walking or biking through it to run errands or go to appointments. I will be so grateful to be in our toasty house, seeing it from the outside in and not the other way around!

Either way, I’m ready to go and I have been for about a year now. Too much negativity connected to this place. I look out into the living room and I see the black pig and his cronies come to arrest, interrogate and manipulate me. I look into the dining area, I see Scot waiting for me to fill out one of those damn forms.

You know you’re making the right move when as a psychic, you and yours are going to a place you’ve never been before and you’re not the least bit worried, nervous or hesitant. Life may have its ups and downs anywhere, but Oregon will be better. If only because it keeps us from getting burned as much and makes us a little richer, it’ll be better.

The renter’s dogs are stealing what would otherwise be a peaceful night, and they have been around, too. I haven’t seen any people, but their vehicle count doubled. There are like 4 trucks parked back there right now. I really hope we can have at least a year off from neighbors in Oregon! I really do. Especially since I know the loudest, biggest families have to go next to us. I just can’t get neighbors without kids and dogs. It’s like, why can’t we have a single person for neighbors or a couple like us?

WEDNESDAY, MAY 26, 2004 Tom said he saw Shiny the other day. He was surprised. He thought the dogs got him for sure, and so did I.

I finished proofreading Angel Eyes and am mailing off a copy to Mary today. It’s a combination of sci-fi/romantic comedy/drama. I’m only 26 in the story and I don’t just spend time in Arizona, but in Mexico, too. I marry Teddy Bear and we try unsuccessfully to have artificial insemination. She dies in a robbery and then I wander adrift. I end up on the Navajo Indian reservation passed out from the heat. The Indians take me in, then I head back east where friends Rosa and Marilyn live in a duplex. I move in with them. I dump the folks and Larry, then Tammy’s killed in a car crash that leaves me with amnesia, though I remember I was about to dump her too, and some other things. A year later, Janet and James, chosen by God to know Kay’s true origin is that of a celebrity picture I once had that I would communicate with as the psychic that I am, help her find me, along with Melanie, another “picture-person.” Kay and Mel are cops, and when Gwen, my unofficial social worker responds to the ad they’ve placed looking for me, we are reunited, though I bear no memory of the pictures, which are on the wall. Now split as two separate beings, the pictures observe the happenings in the old gym that Kay rents after a breakup with an unstable woman. The story is seen through one of the picture’s eyes. I’m sort of aggressive when Kay and I meet, but Kay tames me as we hit it off and fall in love. When she finally tells me who she is, I don’t believe it at first, but I eventually come to believe it and remember it as well. We legally marry and have artificial insemination which produces twins, a boy and a girl. Then I acquire macular degenerate disease and go blind. After living in the gym for a year, we move out and the building is rented by others over the next 13 years. Then Kay comes to visit a cop who’s renting the building after we’ve had an additional son and an additional set of twins, both girls. Then my picture form is transferred to the backyard of the house we moved into after we left the gym. They see me get it on with Melanie when Kay and the kids are out.

The release vibe I had for Mary for September of ’05 has faded a bit, but this isn’t to say I think she’ll go to prison. Whatever happens, I know she can handle it. She’s a toughie. Not that I’m unhappy with who and what I am, but sometimes I wish I was more like her – optimistic, forgiving – though maybe not too forgiving. I still think that one can get you in trouble. Besides, those I’ve dumped, such as my family, wasn’t because I couldn’t forgive them for the things they’ve done to me, but because I realized I didn’t like them. Then again, I never did. I just didn’t do anything about it till ’97 when I walked away for good.

I think the folks probably believe I’ll one day return. Larry did, after all, even though it took him 9 years or so. I also think that either Tammy, Lisa, or both of them, will try to hunt me down someday to resume a relationship, but as they’ll all see with time, little Jodi ain’t coming back. I have nothing against Lisa or any of my nieces, of course, but for the same reason Larry avoided both Tammy and I for the years that he did, I would avoid Lisa at all costs. She’s just too closely connected to some pretty lousy people and some pretty lousy memories. I could never associate with her with the others being part of the deal as well. Lisa and I were always so much alike, though, that she may go and do the same thing I did, though if she’s going to do this, I don’t think it’ll be anytime soon. She’s young yet.

I do wonder about her, though, and Andy. Are they still as miserable as I’ve always known them to be? Is Lisa lonely and feeling nothing but sadness and rejection just like I did throughout most of my 20s?

Anyway, Mary’s optimism must be rubbing off on me somewhat as I have very good vibes about Oregon if we can just get there once and for all!

MONDAY, MAY 24, 2004 Another prediction comes true. A few days ago Tom mentioned that the truck’s shell should be ready by today, and I said, nope, Wednesday. Well, he called them today and they said they couldn’t do it till then. Meanwhile, that’ll be the day he’ll list the furniture. He wants to do it when he can be available more often.

It said there was 23¢ postage due on the envelope I got today containing a couple of chapters from that religious book Mary’s been sending, but they never charged us for it. I guess it’s either because of all the packages Tom mails or maybe someone stamped it on by accident. Either way, I’ll tell her to go one chapter at a time. Also, not to bother sending anything after the 1st at the latest, since things are looking like they’re going to be on schedule after all. The last week is going to be crazy, though, with us trying to get rid of everything that’s not going with us. If worse came to worst, though, and we just can’t get everything to go, we’ll leave it here or put it on consignment and have them send us a check when it sells. I highly doubt that Huey, unlike the people who bought the Phoenix house, would put up a stink about it. Besides, what could he do with us 1000 miles away? He would simply have his people haul it away. This is quite different than bits of old roofing that individual owners have to deal with clearing away themselves.

I noticed Mary skipped a couple of chapters. Perhaps she felt that the ones she skipped would offend me. Like maybe it was full of anti-gay references. Religious people do tend to be as prejudiced against gays as I am with blacks and Mexicans.

I’m not only not going to miss the dust, but I’m not going to miss the ants and the intense winds either! Today’s the millionth time the hissing winds woke me up. The winds suck because they make outdoor activities hard. In Oregon, we may have rainy days delaying us from building, but we could still be cutting wood in the garage and doing other things. They don’t have such vicious storms there either, I guess. That’s why this particular forest isn’t at risk for forest fires in the way some others are. You don’t have so much thunder and lightning there which is what makes forest fires.

Tom went into Casa Grande for some taillight bulbs, a gas cap, and a few other odds and ends he thought the RV could use.

He’s also going to have someone come out to replace the windshield for $210, saying it’d cost us more than that if we were pulled over just once.

Anyway, just two weeks to go now, assuming we do leave on the 7th!

Later…

Went walking outside a little while ago. It’s so beautiful. When it’s hot, the wind can be as nice as it can be annoying.

We walked down to the big ugly water tank. It had a series of numbers on its side like a measuring cup. The thing can hold 3000 gallons of water. That’s a lot! They’ll need it when the pump breaks in ’06. The tank is made of plastic and I’m surprised it can hold all that water.

I shut the AC off and opened the windows when the sun dropped behind the mountain.

SUNDAY, MAY 23, 2004 Tom’s been sprucing up the trailer. He’s looking very forward to building the house, something he’s always wanted to do.

He says he’s sure we won’t have to worry about it building up like crazy where we’re going because land splitting and people bringing in manufactured homes isn’t a big thing there like it is here. There they don’t want to live so close together and aren’t zoned to do so, and they’re building things like log cabins, domes, etc. This may be so, but I’ll believe the neighbor curse is broken once I see it. Meanwhile, it’s still quite a coincidence that the always-home, huge, loud families with dogs outside barking up a storm all the time just happen to be next to me. Like I said, this has been going on since ’92. I swear the NHA cursed me in so many ways! Just maybe I could sleep with my husband if they hadn’t scarred me like they did, but it’s ok. Tom and I will always love each other even though I’m sure we’ll always be just friends.

The move will be a good test to either further prove or disprove my suspecting he likes to tease me. Or at least think he’s teasing me. This would be by getting it on with me once, making me think it was going to be a regular thing, then never hitting on me again. Sort of like last fall where he made like he was going to get it on with me, then never touched me again.

I’d really rather he just not bother. If he wants to be friends, and I want to be friends, then so be it. Let’s act like friends, let’s live like friends, let’s be friends.

He loves to eat, as he himself admits. Especially ice cream. Yet whenever he’d have a pint, he’d end up sick. So I put a spell on him before yesterday’s ice cream, and for the first time ever, he didn’t get an upset stomach!

SATURDAY, MAY 22, 2004 The RV is now here and Tom’s gone out to get us a treat. Some ice cream. This little thing makes Dennis’ trailer seem like it was a big, new Winnebago, but it’s better than going up in the truck with just a U-Haul.

Dave and Miss Perfect had me worried for a while that they’d set us back by delaying us from getting the RV today because they were a half-hour late. They said they moved signs or that signs were missing, causing them to get lost.

They’re at the casino now, and whether or not they’re going to return here today to get the turntable Tom’s selling them, I don’t know. Either way, he’ll make it a point to stop by there with it one last time before we leave. It’ll also be an opportunity for Ma to offer any money she may offer to help us, but I won’t hold my breath in that department.

The RV rode like a dream, Tom said, so that’s good.

Because Tom’s a poor judge of size, as usual, I saw that there isn’t going to be space for all the plants. One, if not two, will probably have to stay behind, and the rats will have to go up in the tank. Because I’m so sick of the starting-over game, I won’t get new plants in Oregon. I’m only starting over in ways that are necessary.

I don’t think I’m going to even have room for my big exercise ball. Every time I get into a new exercise routine, something comes up to interrupt it. Every time. This worries me at my age and height. I could easily end up in the 140s before there’s room for it. I said I accept the fact that I’ll never lose weight, but I’d really prefer not to gain it either. I don’t have a working metabolism, so I can’t afford to sit around for days, so I guess I’ll jog in place if I have to. Or maybe I’ll deflate the ball, since it’s so big, and just take the 4 days off that it’ll take to get there. Once we’re there, I’ll throw the plants outside and then get back into it.

The rats are probably going to be a nightmare to deal with at times. Tanking the other rats wasn’t such a big deal because those rats weren’t used to running around loose. These spoiled things, though, are total freedom junkies.

Again I was never more grateful to be childless. Trying to do this with a few kids in tow would’ve been a total nightmare. Sterility really is a blessing! I can totally see why so many mothers wish they hadn’t had kids.

I just wish it was March or April so it wouldn’t be so hot. I was hoping to beat the bee swarms too, but nope. I can hear them buzzing in the trees like crazy.

The guy came today with the big black ugly water tank, and 4 pressure tanks since this house already has one. The thing we thought was going to be for setting up a sign-in turned out to be an electrical box of some sort. What was funny was when this dust devil came and carried two of the boxes the tanks came in off onto the empty lot in front. They got blown a good 500’ or so. Anyway, it seems he not only did a good job, from the looks of it, but he didn’t leave trash behind either. Why should he have screwed up or left trash behind, though? He’s not working for us. It’s only those that work for us that have to fuck up and trash us.

All this work, loss and change over this one man’s evil doing! As I said, people just don’t often understand the magnitude of trouble their actions can cause others. As pissed as I am to have to be starting over yet again, and with less than we had in Phoenix, I’m excited. I just hope that once we get settled I’ll have a serene, non-adventurous life for a change, but it’s like something wants to keep things going and keep us constantly on the go! I don’t want to be bored out of my mind with absolutely nothing to do, but I want a solid, stable home to live in for more than just a few years. One that doesn’t include a life of dodging trouble from others and having to put up with neighbor’s music, animals and kids. I know we’re going to get neighbor chaos no matter where we go, though. I might get less in the way of barking dogs, but having been a kid in a cold climate, I know that cold weather doesn’t keep kids indoors at all. I was always out on weekends and after school. Always. I doubt the cold climate will curb car stereos that much either, though they probably won’t have it going for as long as they do here. In other words, when it’s freezing out, the neighbors aren’t going to want to stand and gab with their friends as they get ready to pull out with the stereo going like they do here. Countless times the freeloaders and people across the street in Phoenix would follow their company out to their cars, then they’d put the music on and gab for several minutes before pulling out. It’s like what’s the point of wasting the gas? To deliberately irk your neighbors? Because you’re that desperate for attention?

Anyway, although they could conceivably build within 125’ of the house on the long sides Tom doesn’t think they will. I say 125’ since we’ll be about 100’ from the edge and because they probably have a rule against building within 25’ of the edge there too, but either way, he thinks they’ll want to be closer to the street where there’ll be fewer trees to cut down. We, on the other hand, are willing to weed through the trees to get to the center of the property. So if he’s right, only kids and dogs could get within 100’ of the house when they’re out playing, but we’ll hopefully, hopefully, have fences to keep them off our land.

We’ll probably still get a tent since they’re cheaper and quicker to set up, but instead of building a room with a bath, we just may build a garage that happens to have a bath in it and use that as our room, since we’ll want a garage anyway until we build enough to move into.

Even though we’re looking forward to this, as hectic as it’ll be, and even though we think life will be better for us there, I still have to ask myself why. Why is God having this done to us? And what will he do to us to continue to “keep things going” once the house is done? We’re a few years or more from the answer so I suppose I shouldn’t worry about what the next problem or change will be till then.

Later…

At about 9:00, an hour before Tom’s usual bedtime, we opened a lot of the windows. This cooled the place down quicker and saved us a few hours of having to run the AC. It’s beautiful out there now and down to a comfy temp in here. In fact, come morning it may be chilly in here, so I’ll shut some windows before I crash which will probably be around 2:00.

Tom and I were joking earlier about playing a fun little game on the road like pretending we’re on the run and we’re going to hide out in the forest on a huge mountain! As long as we don’t ever have to run for real, we can play all the games we want.

The more we discussed it, the more we both agreed that starting with a garage would be best. We need one anyway, so why not use that as a room in which to live in addition to the tent and RV? We looked at a do-it-yourself steel shed-like garage that was 10’ wide by 20’ long. We’d cut a tiny corner in back and turn that into a bathroom while we lived in the rest of it. Then, when it came time to move out, we could put up a wall in the middle and have one half be a garage while the other was a workshop or a storage room of some kind. This will all cost around $1600 but would be worth it.

We’re going to get a 1-year permit to live in the RV, and since it doesn’t cost anything to park it on your land, we may not sell it like we thought we would, but use it as a backup instead. We’ve got plenty of time to decide that, though. Whatever the backup ends up to be, that’ll probably be what gets parked in the garage while the truck or whatever we’re using regularly, gets parked outside. I like the idea of a windowless garage because then any potential troublemakers can’t tell if someone’s home or not.

Because we agree we don’t quite need 2100 square feet, we were thinking of maybe making the upper floor smaller. We’d have 4 rooms downstairs, and 2 upstairs with a deck opening off of one of them.

I think we should get a gun for each floor eventually. If I was downstairs and he was outside when an armed intruder happened to come by, I wouldn’t want to have to take the time to run upstairs for a gun, so that would be why I’d want one down there. Why I’d want one upstairs would be for if he were working days when I was asleep when someone broke in that was armed. I wouldn’t want to be boxed in up there with no defense. I’d only go after unarmed people with my fists unless there were too many of them. Either way, I know the odds of animal or people attacks are quite low, but guns would still be nice to have along with mace. Better to be safe than sorry. I just didn’t want to get one here, God forbid the freeloaders should finally fuck with someone who shot them dead, only to end up being the one accused.

FRIDAY, MAY 21, 2004 No one came out to work on the well today or yesterday.

Tom got an email saying Amelia arrived today, so once again, that just goes to show how slow parcel post is.

He picked up a nice portable MP3 player for $35, plus new blank CDs so we could easily transfer my favorite pictures, songs, and programs to the laptop.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 19, 2004 I decided to leave the tall tropical plant behind. I’m going to try to sell it first, but if it doesn’t go, I’ll just leave it. It’s a wee bit tall for the RV. I mean, I’m sure we could make room for it, but since it’s just a plant and not my favorite one, I’d rather leave it behind so we can fit more important stuff in. I just don’t like its skinny stalks all that much because they’re harder to support when the damn thing shifts toward the light.

I slept in till 11:00 this morning, so I doubt I’ll be going with Dave and Miss Perfect to get the RV, but that’s ok. I’m going to be on the road so damn much soon enough and living in such cramped spaces, that as much as I’m eager to get out of here and get our lives started in Oregon, I also want to enjoy being off the road while I can and in spaces where I can reach out an arm and not hit a wall.

I keep telling Tom he’s wasting money because the bulk of the scratch tickets he’s been getting are going to be losers, but he keeps getting them anyway. I reminded him that because of the auctions, we’re going to be compensated with losing tickets with only an occasional few-dollar winner. He says he feels that not buying them will jinx the auctions, but I assured him it wouldn’t. Then I reminded him who the psychic of this household is.

I wonder if I’ll be psychic in Oregon too, though I don’t see why not. I didn’t lose that coming to Arizona, though I’m certainly much more psychic here than I was there. Actually, I didn’t develop quite a bit of it, like the sick/healing abilities, till we came to Maricopa.

Last night I tinkered with the laptop in bed, and oh my God! I never knew they were so heavy. The thing must be 6-8 pounds. It’s going to take some getting used to. Except for the letters and numbers, the other keys are laid out differently because the keyboard’s not as wide as a regular one. It has a touchpad, though a regular mouse can be hooked up to it.

Later…

We made nearly $90 on 3 different auctions earlier. $74 of it was for some old computer stuff that we thought was an insane price to pay. Especially after we paid less than that for a fairly modern laptop. He thought he’d get $25 or $30 for it. This thing’s going to Phoenix too, to a business on Black Canyon Highway. Then there are a few hardcover electronic books going to CA and some Atari magazines/disks going to GA.

We’re still waiting on Maria’s money order they said they’d send, but we think we’ll get it tomorrow.

Miss Perfect called. She said they’d follow Tom back, rather than go home as soon as he gets to the RV, and although he told her she didn’t need to do that, we know Miss Perfect’s always got to do things her way, so what Tom says won’t matter. I guess they want to go to the casino, too.

The well guy came before I got up. I’m surprised he didn’t wake me. He made a little round gravel pit for the water tank, which I assume will be in tomorrow. We also figured out that the little strip of cement is going to be for the 5 pressure tanks that’ll also be brought in at some point. Each house will have its own. How ugly the whole ensemble’s going to be, but we won’t be here to see it for long. It’ll be cool to check every decade or so to see what’s here. By satellite, I mean. The pictures aren’t updated regularly and they aren’t released as soon as they’re shot. If they’re shooting one right now, it could very well be 5-10 years before it’s available on the web. I guess they don’t want people to feel spied on. So, if we want to see what’s here 5 years from now, we could be in for a 15-year wait, but we’ll be around.

He’s doing the same thing with the subject of sex as he did with the kid which is basically saying this and saying that but doing nothing. He’s still saying he’s always wanted to get it on, using me as a cover for his own lack of ability to admit this isn’t true by saying he’s only going by what I say (which hasn’t been much lately), but meanwhile, what he’s doing is absolutely nothing. You can talk and talk and talk, but when you never do anything but talk, that tells me something. I still say actions speak louder than words, but either way, it doesn’t matter what he wants. I don’t want it, so that’s all that matters. I let him have his way with an awful lot of issues during the first part of our marriage and he’s not getting his way with this one. This means that even if he did miraculously wake up horny one day and approach me, the answer’s no.

I was curious and so I asked if it bothered him to know that I wouldn’t care if he got off if we got it on, and instead of answering, he said, “You are who you are.”

I think it’s safe to say that the answer’s yes, it would bother him. Especially if I’m right about him enjoying turning me off by giving me what I don’t want. Well, in the past I didn’t want him not cumming. See, my gut still tells me he used the time I was in jail as a means of getting us off the sex which he could no longer get into anyway because I no longer wanted a kid and therefore, cumming wasn’t important to me anymore. It would only bother me if it bothered him because I wouldn’t have wanted him to be unhappy sexually since I’m not like him, but I think that if not cumming had bothered him, he’d have done something about it. I always believed that, so that’s why his not cumming doesn’t make me feel bad for him in any way. Not as long as he’s ok with it. I think he always may’ve had a low drive, but I think the bulk of it is related to turning me off, and he just couldn’t turn me off anymore. Couldn’t turn me on other than to get me off by going down on me, but he couldn’t literally turn me off. If I’m psychic, and if our gut instinct is reliable enough, then I still don’t see how I could be wrong on this one, but anyway, I’m sure he’ll always say otherwise and that he never was into teasing me and that he always wanted a kid/sex. I’m just glad I don’t! I just want to get moved, be in good health, enjoy the house we build, and stay there forever without others burning us along the way. I’d like to do more shopping, too.

Later…

I can’t believe this fucking post office! It seems the stuff we send is getting just as cursed as the stuff we receive. The guy got the computer stuff he asked about, so that’s good, even if it took forever, but Amelia, who was sent on the 11th, hasn’t been received by her winner yet. I’m hoping she’s just going to be late too, since she was sent by parcel post as well. Parcel post and media mail are always slower than first-class and priority mail.

A truck pulled up on the land in front, 4 Mexicans jumped out, and then they started clearing brush and tossing it onto the flatbed attached to their truck. Why would they be doing that by hand and why when the sun’s setting?

Two of the Mexies wandered further away. The others just drove over to them and once again they’re throwing brush onto the flatbed. If this is what’s going to be moving over there, you bet I’m glad we’re out of here! I just still can’t believe a house never came in over there during our first year here or that the freeloaders have now been out of our lives for over a year.

They’re gone now. That wasn’t long, but it sure was weird. If you’re planning to put a house there, why come and take a few pieces of brush? You need a tractor to clear out space for a house/septic. If it were winter I’d think they were gathering firewood.

TUESDAY, MAY 18, 2004 They came out at some point and staked the individual lots off. It looks like there’ll be 2 lots along the utility road and 3 along Meadow Green.

An hour or so ago, a guy showed up to prep for the big storage tank. The poor sucker’s got to mix individual bags of cement by hand. It’s going to be a long hot day for him! He put up some informational sign, but we can’t see what it says from the house. If they knew better, they’d have it say something like: Call this number every 2-3 years when this damn well breaks.

Anyway, the good of it is that if this guy fucks up, we don’t care because we won’t be affected by it, nor will we lose a dime over it. Just what is it that makes guys, with the exception of a few, so damn stupid anyway? I mean they are just so incredibly dumb! As opposed to women, there’s just no comparison. I guess it must be something in the way their brains develop that makes them such incompetent idiots. A good 90% of them anyway.

Originally he was going to shut our water off for a while, but when I went out to talk to him he told me he’d let us keep using the water as we always have till we leave, then it’ll be transferred over.

As for the unnerving news, another pig cruised by. I know Arizona’s riddled with bacon, but to see two squad cars out here of all places and in such a short time, makes me wonder if the freeloaders are after me again, though Tom insists they aren’t. What happened was a gold pickup came down from Bitter Root and stopped in front of the house. Not directly in front, but too close to it for my comfort. The pig was right behind them. They both stopped a few feet apart from one another and a guy got out of the truck and went to talk to the pig. I think the pig got out to talk to them, but since they were behind a Palo Verde, I couldn’t tell for sure or if they were gesturing towards this place in any way. This was right after I talked to the well guy, so I knew I couldn’t ignore the door if they came knocking, knowing the guy would’ve insisted that I was indeed home since he had just talked to me minutes ago. I probably would’ve ignored it anyway.

So after about 5 minutes of conversation, they took off with the gold pickup heading east and the pig going up Meadow Green and past the renters.

Speaking of the renters, the horse, trailer and loud truck may be gone, but not all the people. When I looked back there I saw 5-6 adults hanging out front talking. I see them drive by in a white van and sometimes a brown car, but they’re quiet. Either way, if the black bitch and her connections aren’t up to any of their old shit, we should be out of here in just 3-4 weeks, so who cares what the renters do, though I’d prefer the loud truck to stay away.

Tom thinks the pig was here regarding the property straight in front of us that people drive over. But they’ve been driving over that for years now, and I don’t think that property’s even been sold yet.

What is the boy next door doing out riding his bike now? Doesn’t he have school?

Anyway, I don’t understand why the pig would be called out about that even if it was bought supposedly by the cock with the pickup. What’s he gonna do? Stand there and wave traffic away for the guy?

Maybe it was connected to the new houses because they weren’t too far from where they were. I wish the damn tree hadn’t been in the way so I could maybe have gotten some idea by watching them just what they were discussing, but hey, if they come and arrest me because some stranger robbed the freeloaders and I’m the convenient one to blame till they know who really did it, I’ll just bail out and be gone. They won’t get me in no courtroom, that’s for sure. Still, the 7th– 12th can’t come fast enough!

The good news is that the laptop arrived yesterday. Not without some glitches, but that’s just our shit luck since the incompetent fuck-ups at the PO have to crush every other package we get. Sometimes you gotta wonder if it’s deliberate! It was missing a small screw that was preventing it from booting up. Although it took him a few hours, my genius husband figured it out. Now he’s loading software up, but it’ll be a few days before I can use it. From what I have seen of it so far, it looks good, though I don’t like the smaller screen. It’ll also take me some time to get used to operating its built-in mouse, but you can hook a regular mouse up to it. It’s got a big drive for a mid to late-90s laptop, and floppy and CD drives, too. Because the batteries only last 2-3 hours before they need recharging, I think I’ll use the adapter as much as I can.

Later…

We took a walk out in the 100º sun and checked out the stakes together. When I first looked at them, they didn’t seem to make sense according to the diagram the guy showed me as to how the property has been split. Well, I guess I just read it wrong, because it’s not going to be 2 properties on the south side and 3 on the north, but rather 2 on the east (one of them where this house is) and 3 on the west along George’s land. You can’t possibly split it the way I thought they were going to because of where this house is positioned. Doing that would put other houses too close to the edge, especially the one on the northeast corner. So they’ll probably create an easement where the utility road is for the house that’ll be on the southwest corner, and then another easement between the two east side properties for the middle west side house, and then the northwest house which will be closest to the renters can just get in via Meadow Green.

The worker left a while ago and we can’t figure out what the hell he’s doing. The sign has no sign, but just a small section of metal mesh. Then he’s got a long skinny box he made framed of wood that’s full of cement. We don’t know what it’s for.

Huey’s not going to be bringing in the other houses like I thought. He’s just going to sell the land. The only one with a house on it will be ours, of course.

Anyway, Tom’s pretty sure that Freon is slowly leaking from the AC and that if we were to stay it would’ve lasted throughout the summer, but not the winter. At least it won’t be our problem! Yeah, but we’ll have enough new ones to be dealing with. Either way, the next people are already cursed. That’s problem number one they’ll have to deal with.

I’m just glad we beat the bank at their own game. I mean, we got it made now since they’re required to give people 30-day notices. Even if they came out right now and said we had to be out in 30 days, it’d be like fine assholes, we’ll be out in less than that.

Not surprisingly, HUD’s blown Tom off and hasn’t responded back to him. Why should they? He’s a white, non-religious guy. That’s alright, though, because in Oregon things are going to be different. We’re not going to be made to suffer on account of other people’s bullshit. No more of the ‘you hit us, we hit back, we pay’ bullshit. We’re fighting back from now on and we’re not going to pay for it, either.

Other than that, life is good. Tom is slowly but surely making progress with the laptop and he took care of insurance for the RV. He’s also gathering prices and places to get the few odds and ends we’ll need for the RV like new roof vents and a gas cap, and we want to replace the windshield, too.

Tom explained more about why the pig came out. He said that if someone drives over a property for years and no one reports it, it becomes legal. Meanwhile, someone probably bought the property which means that the buyer has to go through various steps to do something about it, starting with having a pig verify it.

MONDAY, MAY 17, 2004 We got our first store report. We sold items for an average of $24 with 5 bids each. We have a 79% sell rate and have sold 30 of the 38 auctions we’ve had. Also, 14 store items.

I’m just glad my family can’t get a hold of our store address. They wouldn’t think to look it up, and if they did, they wouldn’t know it was us. As for his family giving them the address, I doubt it. I don’t think they would divulge phone numbers or addresses, just general info. It probably is just at Christmastime too, and I doubt it’s more than a few sentences. I always figured she wrote brief updates on the holiday cards she sends, so this Christmas she’ll write something like: Tom and Jodi are well. Moved to Oregon. Thought they might like it better there with the cooler weather and forest.

Anyway, the reason I’m glad they don’t know about our store is that they’re the type, especially Tammy and Larry, to buy something from us just so they could turn around and leave negative feedback.

I’m now done with Angel Eyes and am proofreading it. I rarely proofread my journals all that thoroughly so they must be riddled with typos. You’d be amazed at just how many errors the reader picks up as opposed to silent proofreading. Especially missing words, words close to what you really meant to type, and words with endings other than what you meant. The journals, though, I just quickly skim those with my eyes, and since I use swears as much as I use the word the, and racial slurs as much as I use the word and, and we’re living in such oh so sensitive times when everyone wants you to have a bleeding heart for others no matter how much they shit on you, I edit it when I send parts to jail. Mary can handle it. It’s the others there I’m cautious with. If Mary was anything like Little Miss Be Like Me (Doe) we’d never have been friends.

Meanwhile, given the off chance that I may sell a book or two, I’m trying to be more correct, so to speak. Not just with spelling, grammar, punctuation, structure and paragraphs, but I’m now using chapters and trying to use the current lingo, though in a decade I’m sure the blacks will find African-American an offensive term. It’s hard to keep up with what they expect to be called. I’m also going to try to add popular subjects, even if I myself may be sick to death of them. What sells is what sells, though, so if they want cows, you can’t give them horses. I just try to find a good balance between writing what I want to write while considering any potential readers as well. I still can’t imagine selling my books, but I’m going to act like I will and not just throw out a pile of words.

SUNDAY, MAY 16, 2004 Just when we thought it was hopeless, we finally managed to nail a decent RV! Tom went and looked at the $3,000 Winnebago, which had its pros and cons. The biggest con was the price. We’re going to be struggling bad enough as it is and we really didn’t want to have to spend that much on the RV if possible. So it was either that or the dumpy one in Glendale that was $2300 but didn’t run as well and just didn’t have as many pros as the Winnebago. Then there was this auction on a 20’ RV that may’ve had its flaws, yet looked beautiful. We didn’t exactly dig the colors when we saw the pictures (not that it matters since it’s just a temporary home), but it was clean and remodeled beautifully. Its only real negative is that the toilet is in the middle of the shower stall so you have to either sit on the toilet or stand right smack next to it when showering. Also, it has a cab AC, but no roof AC, so getting through Death Valley may be rough. It should be cool most of the time once we get to Oregon, though. After all, we’re going to be on a giant mountain in the forest.

So anyway, it was sitting at $1,176 with 8 bids. The highest bidder was a rookie which was good. However, the others had more experience, so I knew I was going to have to put a serious spell on these people. Most people don’t usually bid on such big items unless they know what they’re doing and I knew this. So I concentrated so hard on making them sick once the end came and I made them have to up and puke their guts out so badly that I almost ended up puking myself. It made us win, though. The rookie tried to swoop in on us, but then we beat them out and won the RV for just $1,350! We never thought we’d get anything under $2,000. Tom’s perfect timing and wise thinking really helped along with my spells. It’s not what we’d call a steal of a deal, but definitely something a bit more than suitable. And it still is a pretty good deal, too. I knew I couldn’t make the long-timers simply “forget” to swoop in at the end, so I made them sick instead. They’ll no doubt be forever wondering what came over them and why.

Anyway, it’s a ’75 GMC Midas and is 7’ shorter than Dennis’. Its layout and space aren’t going to be as nice, but at least this thing drives and will be cleaner and remodeled. We’ll still clean it ourselves to get it free of dust and things like that. I don’t want to put my big stuffed dog or my big Chris doll on top of the dust.

The swap meet we had planned for next weekend is going to be delayed a week because this thing is coming from a dealership that liquidates vehicles rather than an individual and is only open till 5 PM during the week. Therefore, Miss Perfect won’t be able to help us until Saturday. This is okay, though, as we have 17 days to pick it up. Anyway, when we get it, we’ll spruce it up as best we can. He thinks that if he just charges the cab AC, it may cool most of the living space. Because of this, I may take Tom’s advice and not worry about my schedule. I won’t even have to worry about it on the way either since I expect all the excitement will cause me to sleep intermittently anyway. I figure I’ll have a hard time sleeping at night with Tom snoring and the rats squeaking and because I’m still mostly nocturnal, but will be lulled to sleep by the engine running in the daytime right along with the rats who are also nocturnal.

We’re not sure if we’re going to run any more auctions while we’re here because we’ll want to have stuff to sell once we get there to help cushion us till he gets work. We’re going to restock the store, too. Instead of $89 + shipping on Samantha, I think we may list her at $99 with free shipping.

Meanwhile, we’ve been stiffed by 3 people so far – the people who won the two incense auctions, and the Madonna disc winner.

Also, the guy who won some computer hardware insists he never got it, so Tom will ask the PO to look it up. Either way, he has a receipt proving he sent it which will clear him with eBay and we won’t have to give the guy a refund. We get delivery confirmations with the more expensive things as we know that sooner or later someone’s going to claim they didn’t get something they really did.

Because the truck has rear-wheel drive, Tom’s either going to disconnect the driveshaft so it can be towed or rent a dolly-like trailer that’ll lift it. It’ll protect the tires this way, too.

Pretty soon we’ll be washing and stripping the car that I vibe we’ll get $200 for even though Tom’s hoping for $350, but hey, $200 is $200 and we can’t take the thing with us.

First we were being teased with the well till we discovered what the real problem was, and now the AC’s teasing us. It comes on and blows warm air. Just when we think it’s not going to start blowing cool air, it does.

So this is basically it. All that’s left to do is sell our stuff, then we’re free to go!

The good thing about the land next to ours being sold is that if they’re planning to build on it, they should’ve already started, in which case we’ll get a different piece of land. I’d really, really like a year or two to ourselves before we get company, and I’d really like to have the fences before their dogs arrive and not afterward. Either way, I just don’t know how eager Tom will be to do the fences as it still seems that he likes to see me wait for things. I don’t know just what the kick is he supposedly gets out of it, but the more desperate I am for something, the more he seems to want to stall me from getting it. I’m also going by this place. We had the money, yet when we did, he didn’t put up the fences he knew I so desperately wanted, though now, in light of the circumstances, I’m glad he didn’t. Still, there were a few instances when we had the money and yet it never got done. Maybe it was just the size of the land that put a damper on his own eagerness.

I tease him, saying he’s going to end up complaining big time about the cold, especially when he wants to work outdoors, saying he’s not used to it. Meanwhile, I’m simply returning to what I grew up with, only there’ll be less rain, snow and humidity. I’ll be glad I won’t have to play bus in the cold and that I can just stay inside, except for when we go out since I know the heater will be broken most of the time because that’s just how most of our stuff ends up. It spends more time being broken than being functional.

We decided that whether we share a room or not, we’re still going to have 2 bedrooms (we most definitely will go with a 2-story dome that’ll total about 1800 square feet) and we might do Murphy beds that pull out of the wall.

We may also go all-laptop and make a closed compartment for things like printers and scanners. That way we won’t see all the ugly equipment and the 10 million wires that go with it, and when we need to print something, we’ll just hook the laptops up to it.

FRIDAY, MAY 14, 2004 The AC has been sounding a bit funny, but we’re keeping our fingers crossed that it’ll hold up for just 24-26 more days. It’s just that we are due for something big to break, so I’m a little nervous about it. If worse came to worst we would either just suffer or throw our old window AC in. We’re certainly not going to spend $300 for less than a month.

We’re not having any luck yet with finding an RV. All the good ones go before we even get the chance to call about them. Either way, living in the damn thing for a year or more is going to be a real bitch. See, this is where I get mad at God and feel he most certainly is out to get us. His letting this happen to us can’t be anything more than a punishment. I’m just sick of starting over. Every time we build ourselves up, people or circumstances kick us down. I’m just so tired of people turning our lives upside down at will. As I’ve asked a million times, how do people come to have such power over us? If they get pissed at one of us, it’s so, so damn easy for them to take away our house, ruin our credit, and basically just turn our lives upside down out of spite. Meanwhile, we could never be that vindictive even if we wanted to be. I don’t think people even realize just how much they’ve affected our lives and put us out. I don’t think anyone could know without being in our shoes. They just go off the deep end in a fit of rage over some bullshit, or lose it over God knows what, and in the heat of the moment, without having a care or a clue as to what havoc their actions are causing, they change life as we knew it. It’s like with the freeloaders. They just wanted to get the Jewish bitch that had the nerve to complain about their antics. Never once did they care to stop and consider what I’d have to go through on account of their vengefulness. Never did they consider what I’d have to go through in jail, nor did they consider the thousands of dollars they caused us to lose. Never once did they consider the stress, the anxiety, the anger, the depression. Never. Same with this cock that fired him. All the warped religious junkie could think of was how terrible it was of Tom to feel there was a time and place for everything and that work wasn’t an appropriate place for crap like that. That’s what churches are for. Meanwhile, did he think of the consequences of his actions? No, of course not. And all the while, God let this happen. And why? How can it be part of the “plan?” A good plan, that is? Is the shit we’ve gone through really going to be made up to us with good things in the end? And if so, how many years will it take for compensation to take effect? You would think that someone who’s home 95% of the time couldn’t possibly have such an adventurous life, but I’m living proof that that’s just not so! If I don’t go to trouble, it comes home here to me. It’s like something wants there to always be action going on in our lives yet I’d rather be bored out of my mind if this is the type of action we have to deal with. And what happens when we’ve dealt with this long-term problem? Will he just send us another long-term one? Of course he will. As soon as one comes to an end, we just go right into another one. It’s like, why lose weight even if I could? I’d only be exchanging it for a new problem. We never even get one lousy year off from shit hitting the fan. Things always have to break, people always have to fuck us over. As it is I’ll be worrying that the freeloaders will follow us there too, and pop back into our lives yet again in a matter of months. Not as much as I’d worry if we were sticking around here, so there’s at least something good to us moving on. Besides, we really do want trees and I’m sick of the unexplained foul odors that seem to suddenly occur out of thin air and for no apparent reason that we can find. I was in the master bath and it was fine. A few minutes later I went back in there and it reeked of burnt rubber. Even Tom could smell it, though he said he wouldn’t exactly describe it as burnt rubber. Evil lives here. That’s all I know.

Who knows? My getting off probation early may’ve saved me from any more freeloader shit. I always had the feeling that right before the probation was originally set to end they’d pull some last-minute stunt to keep things going. Yet with me getting off early, they wouldn’t have had time to do that because they wouldn’t have known it was going to happen until it did. I’m sure they knew it was possible, but just like me, they were probably so sure it wouldn’t happen. I worried that the surprise of my early freedom would get them after me, but so far so good. Less than a month and I’m home free for sure.

I know not everyone would agree with my way of thinking, but hopefully the move won’t be so rough in the midst of all the excitement simply because we’re forced to go, making me hope that that means it’s meant to be. I know nothing made us choose Oregon or the particular piece of land we chose, but still, unlike from the Phoenix house, we’re literally being forced out of here. In Phoenix, we more like ran. And all the while I knew I was going against God’s wishes by moving. I didn’t know why. I didn’t know if it was because he wanted me to stay and put up with their shit or what, but I knew he was angry at us for moving and that we would be punished for it. And so we have, if only in much, much more extreme ways than I ever thought we would be. So, if we’re being forced out of here by either a God or an evil spirit that never wanted us here, then wouldn’t that mean that the move to Oregon was meant to be and that in return things would be better for us there? I know that technically we were even meant to be here since we obviously managed to move here, but would it be acceptable to God is what I wonder, unlike the move here? He totally disapproved of the move here. I just didn’t know why, and perhaps I never will, if it was because he wanted us to stay in Phoenix, or to at least not come here.

Anyway, Tom checked out an RV in Glendale yesterday, but it sucked. Had a broken AC, too.

Then he stopped to see Mom, Dave and Miss Perfect. I’ve been right so far; no money to help us. Not even her famous $20 for gas. He thought they’d help us, but I don’t think they will other than to buy his old turntable. I think that because they’ve helped us a couple of times since we’ve been here and because they don’t like me (though they would never tell us that to our faces), they’re not going to give us anything.

Tom said he was surprised to find they’ve been dumping stuff like crazy. These are people who just like him, never get rid of anything. Tom thinks they simply realized that if they didn’t do something, they’d eventually be buried in junk. I wondered for a minute there if they were prepping to move, but I don’t think so and he agrees. They’d have mentioned it, for one, and they also could’ve moved a long time ago. If they wanted to move, they’d have done so by now. I think they’ll be there all their lives.

Yesterday a couple of women came to take pictures of the house. They only shot the outside because the inside’s cluttered. They said they’d call when they wanted to shoot the inside so we could have time to straighten up first.

Because of all the shit that’s been going on, we indulged in some gambling. We couldn’t afford it, but we really needed the break, even if it was only $40. What sucked was that I didn’t expect the gift shop to open before we left and for me to spot a beautiful $30 figurine there because if I’d known it was to open so early, I’d have gotten it with the $30 or $40 I won, but instead I gambled it back. It was still fun, though. They added an extra room and now have these penny machines. You can definitely play longer on those. We were there for a couple of hours. We played quarter and dollar machines too, but mostly the pennies.

Got a letter from Mary saying to say hi to Tom and that she was glad to hear I was in better spirits. She says she’s doing great. I honestly don’t know how that girl does it. I could never have survived jail for as long as she has. I think that by now I’d have killed either myself or someone else. No, I don’t think that. I know that! One can only take so many threats before they snap. When Tiffy and I got annoyed with each other and I thought she was going to threaten me, I was coiled like a snake ready to strike, but fortunately for both of us, she didn’t. The next person, though, there’ll be no holding back as I couldn’t possibly take one more threat. I guess we all have our breaking points. Threats or no threats, I still don’t see how I could’ve survived jail as long as she has.

Anyway, she sent chapter 3. How many chapters are there, I wonder?

This part about gluttony and smoking had me a bit confused. It seemed disheartening to be told we shouldn’t judge overweight people or smokers, then read that the bible says it deserves the death penalty, not that I particularly believe the bible. Nonetheless, if anyone thinks that’s what I deserve for being 30 pounds overweight, then oh well.

The part I disagreed with the most is where they said not to judge or criticize others so we won’t be judged or criticized. I didn’t know that sick twist of a judge I faced in court to ever have had the chance to judge/criticize him, yet he judged and criticized me just fine.

I was also a bit worried when I read the part that says (and I could be misinterpreting this) that it is God who does the work in us, and it makes sense that the more we trust in him and the less we depend on ourselves, the more he is able to do. It disturbs me because while I don’t want control or power over other people’s lives, I at least want free will over mine. I want to be the one in the driver’s seat of my own life for once. I don’t want God or others turning me into a slave and making me feel like I’m some kind of robot or puppet with no mind of her own.

All in all, I’m no Christian, Jew, Catholic or any other religion, though it was nice of her to care enough to send me the stuff.

I’m finishing up the last few pages of my story. I really didn’t think I’d finish it before July or August, but it got to the point where I couldn’t come up with anything else to add to it. I guess you just get to the point where there’s nothing more to say, you know? It’s definitely very strange and very different.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 12, 2004 Even if we stayed till the June 12th deadline, we have no more than a month left here.

Yesterday they came out and staked the corners of the land. Next they’ll stake the individual lots, and I guess they could come today to set up the water tank.

Meanwhile, we’re going into Mesa so I can get an ATM card for the credit union so we can finally close the BOA account and be just about done with them once and for all. He can’t close that account himself because my name is on it, too.

Tom won us a laptop yesterday for $60, including shipping. It’s coming from Missouri.

Amelia went to New York yesterday and the Barbies are going to New Hampshire. Maria hasn’t been paid for yet. We’ve been stiffed so far on both incense auctions and it looks like the winner of the Madonna laserdisc isn’t going to pay up either.

We received the documents pertaining to the land from Michael, along with some pictures. They’re the same pictures that are online, though. The only new pictures are of the surrounding area – Mount Shasta, Sprague River, Klamath Lake, and Klamath Falls. Because Oregon’s older, it’s got a lot of old, ugly buildings like New England does, but I don’t care anymore. All I care about is not having to live with wacko blackos, manic Hispanics or stormin’ Mormons. Anyway, we both signed the papers and will have both our names on the land. We don’t have to get anything notarized, so we can mail it back today. Then, we’ll call him two days before we arrive there to set up a time to be taken to lot #13 on Bly Mountain, which is the piece we paid for. We have up to a year to exchange it, but unless Tom wants to, I’ll probably just take whatever we can get because I know that no matter where we go, we’re going to get noisy neighbors at some point. Never do the quiet people go next to us. Never. So, knowing this, I just hope that the weather there will keep the neighbors indoors more often. The lot next to us is listed as sold, and although Michael stated that no houses can be seen from our land, I’m sure that’ll change soon enough. The good thing is that we can plant so many more things there so much easier and while keeping them out of sound won’t be very easy on a 200’ x 500’ lot, keeping them out of sight shouldn’t be too hard.

Anyway, neither of us believes the number 13 is unlucky, but the numbers 3 and 4 by themselves or combined with each other are definitely evil. Just the terrible things that happened when I was 34 alone are enough to tell me that. Makes me dread turning 43!

Later…

We went to Mesa to sign the papers at the credit union. The 2½-hour trip felt like an all-day road trip. What beautiful flowers are blooming everywhere! I’ll miss the flowers, palms, and cactuses and newer, nicer buildings, but again, if going where we’re going is going to keep the neighbor’s 4 screaming kids indoors more often along with Fido and Spot, I’m all for it. The only thing that may not be much different is the damn car stereos. People still come and go in vehicles all year long there so that could still be a nuisance.

Tom thinks we’re 20 years away from having neighbors there, but I say 1-3.

After the PO and credit union, I got some lunch at Panda Express. It was a bit spicy, but I do love Chinese. Tom got a grinder next door at Subway, and once we had our food we ate outside at one of their tables.

Huey called wanting more information about the well. Either way, we don’t have to worry about him backing out, not that he will, because we already got our money. No one else has been back yet to work on the water tank or any more staking.

Meanwhile, all that’s left for us to do is get the RV, sell the stuff that’s not going with us, and get out.

TUESDAY, MAY 11, 2004 I got up at 4 AM and must’ve lain in bed for 45 minutes slowly sipping my coffee. During the entire time, tons and tons of dogs all around me, but mostly in back, barked non-stop. Not once did they pause for air.

If a pessimist like me can have such good feelings about Oregon, then surely we’re doing the right thing, though I still worry the neighbor curse will follow us. All it takes is one rowdy household to disturb the peace and take away our sense of seclusion. Either way, we’re going and we’re going to just deal with whatever happens there because 13 moves in 18 years are enough!

I’m pissed off because our camera’s broken at a time when we need it more than ever before. We don’t have money to get a new one, plus an additional one as a backup for when it breaks.

Mary sent me the second chapter of that book. This one mainly says that God’s gift of eternal life is free and that we don’t have to worry about being good enough to qualify for it. I don’t know if I believe there’s an afterlife, and if so, what kind of an afterlife. Is there really a heaven? A hell? Reincarnation? Or simply nada? I don’t know what to believe. All the possibilities out there make it hard for me to settle on one belief, but I decided long ago like this chapter seems to suggest we should, to just try to do my best in life without worrying if I’m “good enough” in the end. I already resigned myself to the fact that if for some reason God really does hate gays and sees us as evil sinners and plans to have us rot in hell, so be it because I gotta be me. I don’t think he does hate us, though, or else why would we be here? If I was God and I was creating a world, I wouldn’t put anything in it I didn’t like. I wouldn’t give people the brains to figure out how to do things like heart transplants, abortions, and breast enlargements either if I thought it was wrong. I don’t think he even hates murderers like Monster, though most of us people certainly do! I could never love or forgive my enemies like it also says we should, but once again, I know and accept that I can’t be perfect, so if not being very forgiving and hating my enemies makes me less than perfect, then less than perfect I shall be.

Anyway, I believe some of the things I read, but other things are harder to believe. I accept God for what he is, but I still have a hard time trusting him when so many bad and unfair things happen.

I told her she can send whatever she wants as long as it’s not about bashing gays and women, or suggesting we should all be the same. The biggest thing that turns me off of religion, separate from whatever my feelings may be towards God, is that it’s too structured. To tell everyone it’s a sin to use birth control or to get abortions really irks me. I believe everyone is an individual and should decide these things for themselves without pushing their ways on others and trying to get them to be like them because they believe their way is the right way. We all believe our way is the right way and I think we all should follow our hearts/heads and not some book or what someone else says. I’ve always hated dictatorship.

Mary says to give God my problems and while that may sound like a simple solution, I don’t think it would be effective. We can’t just throw our problems at others. We have to face them and work them out ourselves. No one else can fix them for us, nor do they just vanish into thin air. Not usually anyway. Although Tom doesn’t believe in it either, he explained to me the types of problems you give to him are mostly decision-making dilemmas, and believe me, I could use help with that. I don’t know whether or not I should force myself to try to adapt to sleeping with him or just keep our own rooms as that’s what I’m used to. I also don’t know about the getting it on part of it. I don’t really want to sleep together or get it on but sometimes I wonder if I should anyway. Tom’s a very tolerant, accepting man, so it’s not like I’d be depriving him or hurting him in any way by not doing these things, and he’s always told me he’d never make me do anything I didn’t want to do.

Anyway, to sum it all up, I don’t know if I’ll ever truly believe most of the things Mary does any more than Tom does, but I am at least keeping an open mind. It would be nice if a lot of it could be true and if I could have more faith, but we’ll see. I’ve prayed to God for help with losing weight ever since I lost my ability to do so and got no help. Now to think I could praise him for my extra weight, then lose it, is hard to believe. And they say you have to believe and also not expect results, and I don’t know that I can do either one. Oh well, I try my best like I said.

Mary says she hasn’t been in the mood to work on her book. I understand being in a writing mood, versus not being in a writing mood. Sometimes our writing dictates us just as much as we dictate it. I thought this story would be at least 100 pages and take several more months, yet it looks like it’s nearing its end at around 90 pages. Sometimes our stories drive us more than we drive them. It didn’t come out as good as I hoped it would. It’s just ok. Pretty weird, though.

She asked and I told her that we still don’t know if we’ll get a cabin kit. I think we’ll just use the RV and maybe a tent until we build a dome, but we’ll see. While we may now know that the house is sold and how much moving money we’re going to have, we don’t yet know what he’ll have for a job and this is going to help determine just what we build. Domes seem cool, though, and the cheapest thing you can build yourself and the easiest, too.

We did both good and not-so-good with the 5 things that ended yesterday. Maria surprisingly went higher than Amelia and sold for $18.50, but the Barbies only sold for $1.28. The rodent lot sold for $32. We made $82 in total. It’s going to really suck like hell when we run out of stuff to sell. I just hope that when we do, we really can keep things going by getting more junk through yard sales, etc.

MONDAY, MAY 10, 2004 The rodent parts lot jumped from $10 to $31. Someone bid on the Barbies yesterday and I hope they get more bids as I’d really like to sell them for more than one cent. I also hope Maria goes up more, too. It’d be nice if I could get at least $30 for her, but no way. We’ll find out in just under 12 hours.

Little Guy finally figured out how to get out of his cage when the door is open. He came and got me shortly after midnight, but that was okay. I was going to get up then anyway.

Like clockwork, now that I’m just 10 days away from my period, I’m spotting. And I’ll do so on and off till I get my period. It’s like being on the rag for two weeks every month which is half the time!

We haven’t seen Shiny in weeks now and are pretty sure that with the constantly growing dog population, he got killed.

Again I woke up a little tight. Not as tight as a few days ago as ever since I got rid of the smoking bottles I’ve been better. Again I praised it away, so to speak, and I’m glad it worked, coincidence or not, but I’d still rather not have these problems to have to pray away or will away to begin with. It gets old. It really does.

Anyway, after just one week of using that tonic and gel from Yves, Tom and I both noticed that the craters have smoothed out. I’m both shocked and impressed. It goes to show again that those who think craters are due to fat are wrong. I’ve had these ever since I was 26, and at 26 I was as skinny as most people that age tend to be. I don’t think I’ll get this stuff regularly, though. I only got it because it was part of a special deal, but the stuff is regularly $15, and that’s just for one of them. There are actually two different things I’ve been using. If they last a month, that’s $30 a month, and I don’t need my craters smoothed out that bad. Maybe I’ll just use it in the summer, and my summers are about to shorten, that’s for sure.

Looks like someone bought the land next to Dan’s. There’s a big RV set up on it.

SUNDAY, MAY 9, 2004 I decided to stop getting gum. It was becoming too much of a vice like cigarettes were. One vice (coffee) is enough. It’ll take a while to get used to going without it, but it’s also about 50 fewer calories per day I’ll be going without, too.

I also dumped the bottle burners. Ever since I started those I’ve been tight and so we suspect that somehow there may be a connection. Maybe it was because they burned faster with the stick being upside down. An ugly brown oily residue would form at the top of the bottles. There was something about burning them like that that was creating the build-up because we never noticed any such thing when we’d use regular burners. The bottles also stunk like ashtrays.

Tom said not to worry if I needed to use the inhaler, but I toughed it out on my own. I am going to take it with me, though. I want to have gone a whole year without it before I dump it. He agrees that’d be a good idea and says that the Primatene Mist is a good thing for anyone to have around.

He says my story write-ups were too detailed and gave too much of the plot away, so I said he could do the write-ups and write what he feels is best when the time comes.

We talked more about the possibility of building a smaller place. A much smaller place. Like 400-500 square feet. At first it was easy to say, no way. We’ll be cramped in anything under 1000 square feet, I want around 2000 square feet, I want my own bedroom, this is what I’m used to, etc. But then I got to thinking about how much time and money it could save if only – if only– I could learn to adapt to sharing a bedroom with him. That’s one less room we’d need. Plus, if we switch to laptops, we wouldn’t need offices, so to speak. Just a spot for a printer and some supplies. Separate from the house we’d build a storage room or garage which would contain our eBay supplies. We might even keep the RV we were going to sell since we’d rarely use it, so we could use that too, for whatever. He would build a bathroom in the storage room or garage so we could still have two bathrooms. I used to hate waking up having to pee in the middle of my sleep in the old house to find him in the shower. Anyway, that small space would be a cinch to vacuum, that’s for sure. Instead of having a TV, we may just use the computers or get those glasses you wear that give you the impression you’re viewing a huge screen. As Tom pointed out, there are a number of possibilities. Maybe instead of having a bedroom and living room, we can have two bedrooms/offices. Either way, nothing can be decided till we find out what he’s going to have for a job. I still think I may feel a bit claustrophobic in such a small place at first. I haven’t lived in anything smaller than 1400 square feet since ’93, but the domes have openings that allow for additions to be added on, so it’s not like we couldn’t expand it. I hope I can adapt to whatever we come up with. With him working 8 hours and sleeping 8 hours, I shouldn’t feel smothered and like I don’t have any space or alone time.

I wish he would come out and tell me he wants separate bedrooms and that he simply has no desire to get it on any more than I do. It’d make things a lot easier. But guys just don’t admit to these kinds of things as easily as women. Tom’s the type who’ll always tell me he really did want a kid and that he always wanted to get it on, too. I don’t know about the kid for sure, but actions do speak louder than words. If he isn’t hitting on me any more than I’m hitting on him, then it’s got to be for the same reason; because neither of us is interested. And a change of land/housing is going to change that. We are who we are. That’d be like a brunette saying that moving from Ohio to Florida will make her a blond.

I can see inside my own head, but not his. This means that his lack of interest could range from just that – lack of interest to being even more scared to risk impregnating me with me not wanting that, or maybe he really did get off on teasing me like I suspected and feels that’d be rather hard to do to someone who no longer wants him cumming and who no longer wants a kid, thus taking the fun out of it.

I email him my thoughts and ideas from time to time. Especially if something crosses my mind when he’s asleep. Well, just the other day I emailed him asking if he wanted me to try putting a spell on us to rekindle our desires. He never replied and so I asked if he’d been getting my email. When I did, I saw a faint, but obvious, knowing/teasing smile tug at his lips and this is the kind of thing that makes me think he was teasing me in the past and that this baffling desire to turn me off still lives on in him. Whether or not he ever wanted a kid, I’ve always had the feeling he was teasing me and that he enjoyed it, too. Why, though, is beyond me. Why would anyone want to either sexually tease, deprive or frustrate someone they’re supposed to love? And is it really worth putting themselves out in the midst of it all? Deliberately not cumming is a huge sacrifice just to tease someone. If his not cumming wasn’t about pregnancy fears but was actually about teasing me so as to feel like he wasn’t giving me what I wanted, then that’s pretty twisted. I really hope that was/is not the case. That’d be cruel as opposed to not having it in him to admit he didn’t want a child for fear of hurting me.

Next I ask myself, if it was about teasing me, then why? Why would he do it? He sometimes said I was spoiled, so was that what it was about in his mind? Did he get off on not giving what he felt was a spoiled little princess her way? I can see where some would think I was spoiled because I’ve always had a lot of material things, but I was anything but that. To me, a spoiled person always gets their way. Anyone who knows me well enough should know that I’m anything but used to getting my way. I mean, just reading my journals, which I haven’t yet kept for half of my life, would still be enough to see that I rarely get my way. Just read about the 17 of my 38 years and that fact will stick out like a sore thumb.

Anyway, to wrap it all up, I fear no accidents occurring whether he cums or not. The reason why is pretty simple – I’ve had a feeling since I was little I’d always be childless. I’m 38 years old and I’m still childless. So, that pretty much tells me I can trust my intuition. Why would I be wrong about that now? Plus, if your ability to conceive really does cut out long before you hit menopause which is normally between 55-60 years of age, then I shouldn’t have much more than 5 childbearing years left anyway. On the other hand, a part of me does think it’d be wise to use rubbers. It’s like I always said – just because you think you’re destined to live a long time doesn’t mean you should cross the road without looking both ways first.

I appreciate the fact that Tom said he wouldn’t condemn me for it if I couldn’t sleep with him. Most guys wouldn’t be able to handle it, but that’s just it – Tom isn’t like most guys. If he had a normal appetite, there’s no way he’d be dealing with this separatism so well. Either way, I’ll have no choice but to sleep with him during the drive up, so maybe I’ll somehow manage to adapt, though I won’t count on it. It usually takes more than 4 days to adapt to something like that. That’s a hell of a change for me. So is the idea of us being intimate again. For 3½ years I’ve been used to having him as a friend. Either way, I have a feeling I just might sleep about as well as I slept in jail in Oregon, but oh well. Sleep was always a department I was cursed in any way. Maybe the only way to adapt is to force myself and to tell myself that if he keeps me up all night, I’ll just have to sleep during the daytime and catch up then. I just wish he didn’t stink at times, snore like a freight train and talk in his sleep.

I also have the feeling I’m going to miss this house for a lot longer than just a few years, though not the land.

As much as I hope to not have to mingle with people that much, I wonder what the culture is like in Oregon. While I know there’s good and bad everywhere, I guess they can’t be that intolerant if they allow gays to marry, unlike here where they’re too busy catering to blacks and Mexicans to notice anyone else.

SATURDAY, MAY 8, 2004 No one’s bid on the Barbie trio yet, but if they don’t, it won’t be any big deal. I can just throw them toward my next lot.

Maria still has one bid, but Amelia’s got 4. She’s at $15 which means I’ll get back at least half the money I spent on her, minus shipping. She is a Victorian doll and while I may not dig Victorian, it’s the most popular theme there is amongst dolls. Meanwhile, I’ve only got a sixth back so far of Maria’s cost.

Tom called the owner of the land we want. His name is Michael L. He’s sending us contracts to sign and return along with the down payment. It’s $133 a month for 12 years, or, if you pay the $10,000 off earlier, you get a 10% discount.

Because it’s on a humongous mountain, he says cell phones work great there. This was nice to know. It’s also 1500’ from power lines which to me seems a bit close. It seems like it could gradually creep out to us, inviting others to move into the area, but I’m not stupid. I know all God has to do is find people who are willing to go solar just like we are and plop them right down next to us so it doesn’t matter where the power lines are.

We decided we might save time and money if we go with 3 small 1-story domes, rather than a large 2-story or 3-story dome. We can still have a loft in one of them. He thinks he can get a 400’ square foot dome up in about 6 months, but either way, I am not looking forward to living in the RV with him or in such a small place until we get the money to branch out. I simply hate sharing a bed. Always have, always will. I hate fighting with covers, being rolled over on, and left with barely half a foot of space on my side. And of course there’s the fact that I’m the lightest sleeper in the world. The slightest sound or movement and I wake up. I don’t see how I could ever adapt to this, either.

I don’t want to get it on with him either, though I’m not worried about that becoming an issue. Guys like this don’t suddenly up and get all horny. I just want us to continue to be the friends we have been. I love him and he loves me and that’s all that matters. I can share offices, living rooms, etc., I just don’t want to share bedrooms.

A guy came by today to tell us that come the middle of next week he’s going to install the giant water tank that’ll be backup storage for all the houses. Good. That way when the well craps out again they’ll have 1000 gallons of water.

This ought to show how much Maricopa’s grown; I could hear music thumping from somewhere from 2 AM till almost 4 AM. That’s the first time I’ve heard music that long at those hours.

Tom says they’re getting ready to put something up between next door and the new houses. They have the area staked out. I’m still amazed no houses came in front of us since we’ve been here. More so than I am over the fact that George hasn’t put the fourth rental in.

FRIDAY, MAY 7, 2004 I received some rather interesting reading from Mary yesterday. She enclosed a chapter from a book called The Power of Praise. In this chapter, it talks about various people’s troubles and how praying to God for help didn’t work until they actually praised him for having the problem in the first place. At first I was like, that’s insane! And the people involved said that too, until they did this, saying that that’s what finally got them results, even though the chaplain that wrote it said you shouldn’t expect change, but should only praise him with acceptance and understanding that you’re in a bad situation, it’s for your own good, and so be it. The key is to accept that God is responsible for both the good and the bad that happens to us and that we should thank him for the bad as well as the good because it’s part of his plan for us and is for our own good.

Anyway, her letter really touched my heart. To have such a loving, accepting friend like her is a real breath of fresh air after all the lying, hypocritical, contradictory, phony, selfish control freaks I’ve had the great misfortune of knowing. She and Tom are the only people I can really be myself with and not get condemned for the way I am, and I know I have my faults just like anyone else out there. The good to come out of the bad people and the hardships I’ve known is that you appreciate good people and good times all the more and never take them for granted. My husband may not be perfect either and while he’s done some things he shouldn’t have, it was quite a change going from an abusive environment, to aloneness, then to a loving home when I moved in with him in the fall of ’93. It wasn’t just what I read that touched me but the fact that Mary cared enough to send it to me. And she did it in a non-pushy way which means a lot to me. I know I could write back saying I thought it was all hogwash and that she’d still love/accept me, but I don’t know if I’d say it’s total hogwash.

I never heard of or thought of the idea of praising God for literally everything, good and bad. Tom’s not an atheist, but he doesn’t believe in things like destiny or that things happen for a reason like we do. I don’t believe there is a God and a devil. I think God is the devil and the devil is God. Meaning, they’re both one entity. I also don’t believe there’s a reason for every little thing that happens to us. Meaning, there doesn’t need to be a reason I chose pink lip gloss over purple today, but I’m sure there’s a reason we’re going to Oregon.

Yes, you could say the investor’s a godsend like Mary said, though there are tons of them around and they’d have to be a fool to pass up such a smoking deal. Either way, I know things could’ve been worse and that we could’ve had trouble getting a buyer of some kind. I’m glad we won’t have to go through dealing with showing the house, home inspections, etc. Knowing the house is sold and that we are going to get a little money out of it helps ease the stress a little, and it’ll ease up even more once we get there.

As far as accepting God – I always have. Meaning, I know he’s there. It’s like how I see blacks. I don’t always understand them or agree with their ways, but I know they’re there, they’re not going away, and so I accept them.

I want to believe her when she says God loves me. It’s just been hard to believe that during particular circumstances I’ve gone through. In other words, it’s certainly easier to feel more loved now than I did in jail. I can also see where not understanding his ways can make it hard to believe and have faith. To put trust in one who can allow such catastrophes to occur is hard, yet I also believe that good can come from bad just as bad can come from good.

Around ’97, and I think I mentioned this recently, I began to pray for God to not let me have the child I wanted at the time, thinking it was the only way I’d feel loved and not so punished, since I knew since I was a little girl that I wasn’t meant to have a child anyway. Well, this might not have been praising him for not allowing me the right to choose, but I was “going along with him” in a sense, asking for what was meant to be anyway; my not conceiving. The point is that ironically, it was around this time that the desire began to fade. I didn’t just pray for a child, I prayed for him to take the desire away if he wasn’t going to allow me one.

Then there was what happened last night. Well, I can’t see myself, for instance, thanking him for delivering me into an abusive family or for having me get framed and sent to jail, but I did thank him for having asthma. I awoke after just 4 hours of sleep tighter than hell. It was just like old times only minus the wheezing. It was the closest I came to needing the inhaler since I stopped using them, but I knew I was so tight that it’d be useless anyway and that Tom just may end up going to Oregon alone! It was no fun. By alternating between making myself yawn and pressing my lips together and blowing as if I were blowing up a balloon, I can usually relax and open my lungs, but nothing was working. Not even my spells. It was like an iron fist had seized hold of my lungs. So I figured it was as good a time as any to try praising God for it as ridiculous as the notion seemed to me, and sure enough, my lungs opened! Tom doesn’t believe it was the praise, though. He thinks it was my spell. Me? Well, I need more than just one incident to be convinced, and I am an established psychic after all, so it could be a coincidence.

I thought of praising him for being fat, for my not being able to keep a schedule so easily and for long, for Tom and I having no desire for each other, and for my deteriorating eyesight, but I wonder if this is too much. Would God feel overwhelmed in a sense or that these requests were unreasonable, since Tom and I love each other and don’t have to get it on, and since deteriorating eyesight and extra weight go hand in hand with age, or what? I wouldn’t bug him for something as silly as a hangnail, but I was just wondering what was acceptable and what wasn’t. I asked Mary for her opinion. Perhaps I should cut them in half and just praise the weight and schedule problem? I also wonder if there are a certain number of times we should praise God for a certain situation we dislike or is once enough.

Anyway, I understood and believed some of what I read and some I didn’t. The 3 biggest things I don’t believe are 1. God helps those who help themselves. 2. We are to have all we wish for. 3. God loves everybody. I’ve seen too many people, including myself, do whatever they could to achieve certain goals/dreams, only to end up not succeeding. I once tried to conceive the child I once wanted, but when your husband won’t do his part to get help and continues to say that all will work out on its own and that he really does want a kid and that we can make one without a doctor’s help, there’s only so much you can do. For obvious reasons, I don’t believe we can have all we wish for or else we’d all have it all and it wouldn’t be such a you-win-some, you-lose-some world. No one has it all, from what I’ve seen. It’s also hard for me to believe he loves everyone when I think of how some people’s lives have been as opposed to others.

However, I do believe he’s responsible for both the good and the bad that happens to us. That’s why I feel God and the devil are one and the same.

It would be hard, I would think, for most people to praise God for their troubles without a part of them hoping it’ll result in change. It says we’re only kidding ourselves if we secretly hope for change, but it just seems like it’d be an awfully hard task not to hope for at least a little change. Either way, I doubt I’ll pray for much. I just don’t see much point in it.

I appreciate wholeheartedly the good that comes into my life and I do my best to cope with any hardships that come into it as well. Sometimes that’s by bitching in my journal, sometimes it’s by listening to music, and other times it’s by talking with Tom or taking a hot bubble bath.

Yesterday, Tom received funny feedback. It said, “Thank you for the keyboard. It smells good. It sounds cool, too.” Gee, I wonder why it smelled so good!

As soon as we get the check, we’re going to make the down payment of $500 on what we think is an ideal piece of land 20-25 miles north of the California border. It’s 2.3 acres and is the second one in from the corner. The owner says you can’t see other houses from it. Tom got a satellite picture of it and we picked out what we think will probably be the best spot to build the house which will be sort of in the middle. Of course, this picture is about a decade old so who knows how the terrain may’ve changed since? There were no houses in the area that we could see of either, but that could be a different story now. Also, the property is more rectangular so the people who end up building on two sides of it will be at a good distance, but those on the other two sides will be a little too close for comfort since I can never have quiet neighbors. They could be as close as 150’ or closer. The difference between here and there, though, is that there’ll be trees between the houses. Hopefully, it’ll block out sound as well as sight. It depends on how noisy they are. If they’re sitting outside chatting like civilized adults, it shouldn’t be as audible as screaming kids, barking dogs, and basey music. Tom insists it’s so remote compared to here that there may never be any neighbors in our lifetime, but I know better.

Since there are cougars, bears and deer there, we’re going to get large cans of mace, and I guess at some point we’ll get a gun, too.

Tom read that the unemployment rate is higher there, but those who do work make significantly more than they do here. Theft is a little higher, but not violent crime. They have an average yearly rainfall of 16” and snowfall of 34” and the area we’re going to will be 1500’ above sea level.

My butter rum incense came out well.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 5, 2004 It’s 3:00 in the morning and 83º in here. I’d say we’re coming up on that time when the AC must run night and day.

I miss having butter rum around, so I dipped the remaining eighth of the butter rum oil I had. I hope it comes out well, though, because butter rum is the one scent I just can’t seem to dip well. I’m trying a shorter soak and longer drying time this time around.

Later…

The house closed today, so now it’s no longer legally ours and now we’re merely guests allowed to stay for the next month. While I don’t expect the transition to be smooth, I hope it isn’t too rocky. The hardest part will be sleeping at night and staying awake during the daytime, but at least I’ll be able to lie down along the way. Having to sit in the cramped, uncomfortable cab of the truck wouldn’t have been much fun at all. Either way, I just want to get it done and over with!

The only bad thing is that he couldn’t get the money when he went to sign the papers. They’re going to mail a check instead.

The renter’s trailer and loud truck are gone again. Good. I hope it stays gone for at least a month, too. And if nothing could break for just one month, and if the freeloaders could continue to stay out of our lives, it would be oh-so-wonderful.

He spoke to one of the landowners and they say that with a $250 permit, we could park the RV on the land for up to a year. This way we’d only have to go to the campground to dump the tanks and do laundry. That’s a great relief to me because campgrounds are totally wild. People are partying at all hours of the day and night and there are always, always little kids running around screaming their heads off. It would not be a peaceful place to stay.

We looked at floor plans for a 3-story dome that totals 1800 square feet. We don’t want anything smaller than that or bigger than 2500 square feet. I think right around 2000 would be sufficient enough. Anyway, this thing will definitely be even more unique than this house, and domes are easier for one person to build because you don’t need to brace the walls until the ceiling is in place. The dome is a series of triangles and not fewer large sheets of squares or rectangles.

Tom says he knows for sure that our lives will be better in Oregon, and I think it will too, it’s just that we can never know for sure until we get there. I have to wonder, though, will Oregon come to hold its share of bad memories for me like Massachusetts, Connecticut, Maine, Vermont and Arizona? Maine hardly counts compared to the rest of them, and even Arizona’s a joke compared to MA, but the depression over not being allowed the child I once wanted, and then the * seizing control of my life for 7 years, taints it enough.

Another week and it’ll be a month of not hearing from Mary. In her last letter, she was really paranoid about my using her in my book and hurting her case, but she hurt the case all by herself when she opened her mouth to the pigs and media. Sending bits and pieces of her book to various people didn’t help either. When she had me send it to Terrie, that automatically went to Monster’s defense attorney as well. At first I was like, don’t worry about it. You didn’t say anything incriminating, but actually, there’s plenty in the book that’s incriminating. Mainly that she knew what Monster was all about long before he killed Gretchen. She went back to him after he abused her and James for quite a while and the book clearly says this. He kept abusing her and she kept taking it. He kept abusing her kids and she kept going back to him. She’d run and return, run and return. It’d be like someone shooting someone and saying they didn’t mean to hurt them. Some things are just too obvious to deny or dispute.

TUESDAY, MAY 4, 2004 That was quite a dogfight we just had somewhere in back. I’m pretty sure it was at the renter’s. Who else has half a dozen dogs around here? Again, I really am glad we aren’t staying here and that we never did build porches and put in a pool. We’d have zero privacy and not always much peace. Anyway, there were 3-4 dogs barking frantically. I placed my ear on the back door and could hear a woman shouting at them, then the sound of beating. The woman was hitting them with a stick, I guess, trying to break up the fight. I don’t know if it was only the renter’s dogs involved or if other dogs got on their turf and got into it with them or what. It could’ve been dogs going to mess with the one that lives at Dan’s place, but I doubt it.

Now, I gotta go push myself to exercise. It’s just so discouraging when you know that nothing you do will ever cause you to lose more than 2 or 3 pounds, but if I don’t do it, I’ll gain 40 or more for sure.

Later…

Yes! Both Maria and Amelia are going. Amelia has 2 bids.

Tom now has 35 feedbacks.

I perfected our bottle-burning experiment. It looks weird, but it’s functional. Instead of the more expensive, high-calorie teas in their pretty bottles, I found that 2-liter soda bottles work well provided I slit a long groove up top by the neck. That way the smoke doesn’t get trapped in the bottle. The groove allows the smoke/fragrance to waft up much more freely since the necks of soda bottles like these are so narrow. Also, instead of clipping it to the rim, I take and slip the stick in the middle of a bobby pin and rest it on top of the opening. The stick then dangles down the center of the bottle.

I’m thinking of doing my next story set in the first MA house I lived in. I was thinking of trying some family drama-type of story, but of course, the main characters will be gay. I don’t want to do an Oregon-based story until I’ve lived there a year, or close to it. I’d still also like to try that story of the little girl shuffled from foster home to foster home that puts spells on those who do bad things to her. It’ll be a while since I’ll be working on my current one for some time yet.

Since Tom’s going to the recycling center every Saturday to hunt for stuff to sell, he’s decided not to burn trash here ever again, and to just pay the dollar a bag it’ll cost to dump the trash. There shouldn’t be more than a bag or two a week.

Later…

The house is closing a couple of days early, so tomorrow is when he’ll go to Mesa to sign the papers. So in less than 12 hours from now, they could stick a cow on the back of this land and it wouldn’t be our problem. He’s also going to stop at a place that sells camper shells and see what a new one costs since he’s been having trouble finding used ones.

We made our final decision – Oregon is where we want to go. No place is perfect, but it seems like it could very well have fewer cons and more pros than other places. Unfortunately, we have to get a $350 permit just to park the RV, unlike in Nevada, but sonic booms are so unlikely there than in Nevada, so it’ll be worth it. We considered forests in Colorado, but those have higher chances of fires and there’s also more snow and humidity there as well.

We’ll have to have half a dozen or more inspections of various kinds which I have mixed emotions about. On one hand, I don’t fancy the idea of having to seek approval for anything we do at our ages. On the other hand, if we’re doing something wrong that could harm us in the end, we want to know about it.

In another week or so, it’ll be a month since I’ve heard from Mary. I usually send letters out to her on Mondays, but if I haven’t heard from her come next Monday, I’m going to skip sending anything out till the Monday after that. If something’s wrong, I don’t want to be sending mail that she may not be getting. The aunt may be a little embarrassed to call me now that the news of her pervert husband is out, so if something’s wrong, I may not know it. I can’t imagine never hearing from Mary again, but people are so full of surprises I know I should keep my mind open to all possibilities. The question would be what to do with her stuff if I stopped hearing from her for whatever the reason may be. I guess I’d archive her stuff for 6 months, then delete it in a year. I’m sure I’m just being paranoid about there being anything wrong, though. I’m a worrywart. I’m sure she’s just hesitant to write at this time or just not in a writing mood. Maybe people have stopped sending her money and she can’t afford envelopes. I hope, though, that at least Elizabeth is helping her out. She said she would.

I stop using the patches and my weight goes back down. Interesting. What I don’t get is why I have such severe craters. I’ve seen people older than me who’ve never worked out a day in their lives have less than I’ve got. Tom says it’s probably just hereditary. Well, when God designed me he certainly had it in for my fat, bow-legged, varicose-veined, large-pored, cratered legs!

Something’s got it in for my eyes too, and I’m thinking maybe I should add vitamin A to my diet. I went online and looked up night blindness and that’s what they recommend. I didn’t think anything could be done to improve vision, but Tom says it can and that the eyes are organs like any other organs in our bodies. I have my doubts that this will help, but I’m willing to at least give it a try.

It’s been stinking again when the AC runs, though we haven’t had any trouble with the water pressure, so I don’t know what to make of it. Somehow I’ve always had the feeling the various foul smells around here were not quite of earthly origin.

MONDAY, MAY 3, 2004 Tom got to the PO too early to get today’s mail, but he got my stuff from Yves which came on Saturday. I got a couple of things that are supposed to reduce dimpled skin, facial creams, small bottles of shampoo and shower gel, and perfumes. I now have my top two favorite perfumes, though one of the other ones I got isn’t that great. It’s not bad, though. There was also a blue and white checked eyeglass case, a makeup bag, and a tote that came with the order for free. I kept the eyeglass case for sunglasses, but I might try to sell the other bags at the swap meet.

All Oregon land requires payments of about $150 a month for several years. That may be nothing compared to what we had to pay here, but still, the less hold people have on us the better, so Tom’s going to see if Ma will pay the land off and let us pay her rent instead. Tom said, “I know it sounds cold, but she’ll be long gone before the land can be paid off.”

Doesn’t sound cold to me. She used us, so why not use her? And like I said, she can pay back any money she took us for, but not the time she took from us. That was something that was/is priceless and irreplaceable.

Anyway, he’s going to bid on a 3-acre lot. I’m kind of glad we’re not going to get a huge piece of land after all. Yes, it would keep houses further away from us, but the more land we had, the less we’d be able to afford to fence it and so the more others would use it, assuming that’s customary there, too. A portion of this particular piece of land is adjacent to government land, and although the seller insists it’s secluded, there does seem to be quite a few gaps in trees. If we go out there to find no one’s around, great, but I have to think in terms of the future. As soon as we move to wherever, others are coming, too. I know we’ll be followed. People go where we go. A curse is a curse is a curse as far as problem neighbors go, so like I said, it doesn’t matter where we go. Curses follow us wherever we go. This curse has been on me for over a decade and in every place I’ve lived since which totals 8 places, counting the Siesta Suites we were holed up in for a month before we played the trailer/hotel rotation game. The good thing about this seller is that they too, will let you exchange the land for a like piece if you don’t like what you see when you get there.

I tore the patch off a few days early. It’s not only worthless, but I’m up a couple of pounds. It’s as if something’s punishing me for even thinking about trying to change the way I am, not that that’s what I intended to do. I am how I am, fat or not. I know I’ll never lose weight and that’s ok as long as people don’t go burning us again the way they have in the past. I’d be fat and happy any day versus thin and miserable. I used to have dreams like becoming rich, getting it on with a gorgeous woman (as in Kate gorgeous), being a famous singer. Now all I want is to just not be fucked over while I’m rendered powerless to do anything about it. That’s all I want other than just general health and happiness. Any additional plusses would be seen as extra bonuses.

We listed 5 things this evening - computer books, the huge rodent lot which already has a bid, Amelia, Maria, and the 3 Barbies. What’s shocking is that Maria has 11 views, Amelia’s got 12, but Barbie’s only got 2!

My growing farsightedness seems to be noticeably worse at night, for reasons I can’t fathom.

The incense kept going out in the bottle Tom drilled holes in. He insisted it just needed either more holes or bigger holes. I insisted it was getting smothered by its own ashes and that it just needed to be suspended. Well, Tom’s right on a lot of things, but not this one. We got another bottle and I took a tiny clip that Tom suggested I try and clipped the stick to the rim of the bottle. Now that the lit part isn’t touching anything, it’s burning just fine.

SUNDAY, MAY 2, 2004 The palm tree is still alive. Tom said he’d be surprised if it was still alive a year from now because it’s a desert palm and not a tropical palm. The only real tropical palms are coconut palms, but palms like these come from scum places like Saudi Arabia.

While he thinks it was definitely my powers that broke me free of the inhalers and basically cured my asthma (I only have a little tightness on occasion and it’s also been weeks since I’ve needed the nasal spray), he’s not sure yet if his going without a cold for so long is due to my powers, but will be more convinced it is the longer he goes without colds.

Later…

This rat does not listen. I let him out and forgot about him for a while. An hour or two later Tom mentioned the fact that he hadn’t come to see us like he always does. I called him, but unlike most rats we’ve had, he doesn’t come when called. He’s also not very bright. I accidentally left his door unlatched yet he never escaped like Little Buddy and Little Fella, who were definitely our smartest rats so far.

We took a bottle and drilled holes in the bottom of it like the incense smoking bottles, but not surprisingly, the incense kept going out as it would get smothered in ash.

Also, not surprisingly, the patch is worthless. I’m still the same weight and simply way beyond the years that most of us can lose weight, but it’s ok. I’m so used to being heavy now. Besides, the next time I get threatened or actually jumped, the extra weight will go well with the temper, muscles, agility and fitness.

We were $4 shy of our $60 sale goal when our earlier auctions ended. The cage is going to Florida, the Madonna disc is going to Ohio, the Tom Wait albums are going to Indiana, and I forgot where the keyboard’s going. It sold for a tenth of what I paid for it 15 years ago, but 15 years ago keyboards weren’t dirt cheap like they are today.

I decided to auction both Maria and Amelia with start prices of $9.99. They’ll be up sometime soon, along with all kinds of other things. We’re going to have CD lots to get rid of the ones we didn’t sell at the swap meet, only they’ll have no cases. We’ll slip them in a booklet of plastic sleeves.

SATURDAY, MAY 1, 2004 Miss Perfect called today. It may’ve been only because she wanted something, but that’s ok because there’s plenty we want from her as well, like her old shit she’s too lazy to sell or dump. She may be a dependable worker, but Mary’s so lazy that she won’t even move and if anyone needs a bigger house, it’s her. And of course she could afford it, too. Anyway, she wants to buy the turntable so she can digitize her old records. Whether or not she’ll give us old junk to sell or any money, in the end, beats me. I have my doubts about them buying the RV because of how much money they’ve already lent us, though I say they could never give us enough after the time they stole from us as newlyweds as I’ve said a million times before. The time we lost to them was priceless. Anyway, I’m sure we’ll at least get one of Ma’s famous $20 bills.

We saw Kate guest starring in that show. She looks great for a rich person of her age yet lousy compared to 30 years ago. Again, TV today really sucks. It’s too damn predictable. In the 70s it was fun and entertaining. Now it’s too real, too graphic and too violent. And everything’s child abuse, childbirth, drugs and sex.

I made my final decisions, now that it’s getting closer, as to what my top 5 picks will be when getting the larger lifelike dolls. First, though, there was this site that had an amazing variety of eyes. I didn’t know so many existed! They had everything from realistic eyes to cat’s eyes, rainbows, metallic and all kinds of far-out colors. I’d go as far as violet or cornflower eyes, but metallic silver would detract from the realism of the dolls which is what I’m after in the first place. If I want far out I can get that with Barbie.

Anyway, my picks are “29 Spanish Alexa which I’ll get undressed and in a sitting pose. They’ll all be sitters except for Shani, the 22” black doll which I’ll get dressed. I’m getting 24” undressed Mandy with violet eyes and strawberry blond hair and 24” dressed Jamaica with auburn hair and green eyes. These 4 will come from Gwen at the Doll Market. From Linda at Doll Creations (because Gwen doesn’t have her) I’ll be getting 28” Becky with red hair and cornflower eyes. I hope to have them all within a year of him beginning a job.

Incense Galore added 13 new fragrances: chamomile, Egyptian goddess, first kiss, forbidden fruit, gingerbread, happy, holly berry, Hugo boss, Indian fruit, J. P. Gaultier, oriental nights, pleasure & unforgettable. Each time I order I’ll rotate between fragrances. When you have the same ones going day after day you tend to get so used to them that you can barely smell them. It’ll make them more special to take some time off from them. I still have hundreds of sticks, though, so it’ll be several months before I order again.

It doesn’t look like the person who won the first or the second set of incense is going to pay for them. At least we can do something about it for once. The first step is notifying eBay, then we give them a negative write-up.

We have 5 things ending tomorrow, plus we’ll be listing several more. I’ve got a few more Barbies I don’t want that can go up, plus more incense (I just hope that someday one of the winners will pay for it), the large rodent lot, plus a slew of other things. I may even try to auction Maria or sell her at the swap meet. The worst that could happen is that no one wants her and she goes with us to sit in our store forever.

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