#Raphael on his ninth cup of coffee and about to broker another deal

[sky-kiss]

Two unsolicited Hell headcanons:

If you happen to have a harem of succubi or incubi, even when they aren't getting frisky, they'll cuddle up like kittens. You'll just find them in a pile, squished together, snoozing.

Raphael loathes this and struggles with just. staying. still for long periods of time. He's like his dad. Don't ask him to cuddle. He's got schemes to supervise. If he's not supervising, there's a 90% chance they fail. He will not delegate. His brain is always going, and it meshes with his obsession and (occasional, not Meph levels of) mania in a frequently negative way.

Hence why he's playing lanceboard in some random inn with some random kid at midnight. It's why he's waiting to jump you in the woods after practicing his poetry for hours. He doesn't need a lot of sleep and that's a good thing because he's rarely, if ever, settled enough to rest.

Until I'm told otherwise, Raphael runs off caffeine, spite, and daddy issues. He doesn't have time to sleep; he has to prove he's awesome. Asmodeus is always like, "ooh, look at Glasya, look at my awesome daughter." Fierna's dad? He may be plotting against her, but he's pretty chill in an occasionally incestuous way.

Raph has none of that and he'll die mad. Or better yet, kill his competition.

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Terms & Conditions May Apply: Marriage as a Subscription Service

Terms may vary. Batteries not included. Emotional bandwidth sold separately.

Marriage is not a contract. It is a subscription.

There’s no progress bar. No “Streaks” tab. No AI voice chirping, “Your empathy score is up 3% this week, keep it up, legend!” No, this is a full-systems marriage subscription that includes sudden updates to your personal boundaries, patch notes for emotional triggers, and a surprise quiz on “what we talked about last Tuesday.” Weirdly, the only predictable feature is her ability to pretend unflattened Amazon boxes don’t violate basic recycling bin etiquette.

Welcome to the Premium Plan

You start with a free trial, also known as dating. The terms are vague, the playlists are flirty, and everyone’s still applying deodorant with intention. The “movie nights” are suspiciously short. You pretend to like hiking. It’s charm, curated. Hormones, hopeful. Everyone’s still pretending they sleep like normal people. You do not, under any circumstances, bring up bowel-related emergencies.

Then comes the subscription pitch: a proposal.

“Would you like to upgrade to Forever?”

There’s a ring. There’s champagne. Someone’s crying, it might be you. You say yes, or you black out slightly and come to while nodding into a Cheesecake Factory napkin that now legally counts as your betrothal certificate. Either way, the relationship just got upgraded to Marriage Pro™, and nobody gave you a manual, a heads-up, or even a vague idea of what happens in Year 7. You just unlocked a lifetime subscription with zero onboarding and infinite opinions about towel folding.

Subscription Perks

- Unlimited unsolicited advice

- Co-managed trauma

- The ability to detect tone from three rooms away

- Shared passwords, shared finances, and shared passive-aggressive dish placement

- An exclusive in-home critic for your every thought, outfit, and use of the word “moist”

And the best part?

You can’t cancel by clicking a button. You gotta sit down and talk about it. Possibly while making intense eye contact over a vision board featuring the words “Compromise” and a picture of a weird-looking black dog that resembles Yoda.

The Glorious Features of the Marriage Subscription

1. Automatic Renewal

Every morning, you wake up and renew without even realizing it. You look at the person, possibly mid-snore, drooling slightly onto a pillow they’ve likely had since middle school, and think: Yeah. Let’s do this again. Another 24 hours of this exact weirdness.

2. In-App Purchases

“Let’s get another dog, why not?”

“What if we tried couples salsa dancing?”

“Do we need a third throw pillow?”

These are not suggestions. These are emotional micro-transactions.

3. Push Notifications

“Did you call your mom yet?”

“The trash is still full.”

“Did you pooper scoop the back yard?”

“I love you, but if you chew that granola bar with your mouth open one more time, I will start a podcast about your flaws.”

4. Software Updates

You will both change. One day you like IPA. The next day, you’re trying to ferment your own kombucha and learning Arabic on Duolingo because she said Morocco once in 2019, and you took it as a vision quest.

5. Customer Support

This is just you, at 1 a.m., whisper-yelling at yourself in your brain: “I wasn’t ignoring her texts. I was updating my fantasy baseball lineup and then got emotionally invested in a stats debate about stolen bases since 1978.”

Common Bugs in the Marriage App

- Misinterpreting silence as judgment

- Assuming emotional ESP is a thing

- Using sarcasm as a primary love language

- Believing “I’m fine” means literally anything useful

Data Sharing Policy

Everything is shared.

Your deepest secrets. Your weird mole updates. Your irrational vendetta against your neighbor’s wind chimes. The time you cried during a Pixar Up movie and then blamed it on spicy air.

Your spouse now has all this intel. Forever. They are both your safest place and the person most likely to roast you in front of friends using this exact data.

And yet…

You stay subscribed.

You stay because she knows you don’t actually like cilantro, and you know exactly how to stir her brown sugar oat milk creamer into the coffee so it doesn’t “do that weird separation thing.” You stay because love isn’t the promo video, it’s the buggy beta version, full of glitches and unsaved drafts, but you’re still committed to running updates and rebooting together.

Sometimes there are outages

Sometimes communication fails not with a fight, but with a Dyson. It’s Saturday afternoon, the Cubs are down 8–1, so you start to nod off, and that couch has molded perfectly to your body like God intended. She walks in and says, “I thought you were going to clean out the garage today?” You respond with something bold like, “I still might,” even though you are horizontal, covered in snack crumbs, and currently losing a silent staring contest with the ceiling fan.

She doesn’t argue. She just starts vacuuming. In the room you’re in. Slowly. Methodically. Like a passive-aggressive Roomba powered by righteous indignation. She “accidentally” bumps the coffee table leg, jostling your water bottle and what’s left of your dignity. You are now both awake and fully on trial.

But then you fix it. You patch the code. You update the app.

Love, in the subscription model, is not convenience. It is not efficiency. It is not user-friendly.

It is effort.

And repetition.

And finding new ways to laugh at the same damn arguments.

Bonus Content

- Whisper-fighting in IKEA

- Tag-teaming awkward holiday dinners

- She wants to get things done. You want to disappear into a blanket burrito and pretend Monday isn’t coming. Suddenly, the vacuum starts again.

- Perfecting the double eye-roll when someone says, “You two are so cute.”

So yes. Marriage is a subscription.

But not like Netflix. It’s more like that weird indie streaming platform your friend told you about that only shows documentaries on obscure birds and 1990s cooking disasters.

You don’t get it at first. You question the price. You lose interest and come back. But over time, you realize it’s your favorite thing.

Not because it makes sense.

Because it doesn’t.

And every time that renewal prompt comes up, you click yes.

Terms accepted. Forever.

Love you babe.

P.S. This post? Yeah, it counts for The Long Game. Because marriage is the long game. No glory, lots of repetition, and the occasional heroic play at home that no one else saw but you’ll both remember forever.

Source: Terms & Conditions May Apply: Marriage as a Subscription Service