#Rangergirl rambles

[rangergirl3]

Wow, it’s been awhile.

Short update: Life is (still) busy. Lots of things to manage; but going well. 🥰

Long(er) update: Just after Christmas, I found out that some of the meds I’ve been taking for…oooh, about six years? It had fruit in it (or, at least, a fruit based derivative aka polysorbate which absolutely contributed to the skin on my hands being so, so bad these last few years). So, I ended up switching up some meds last month, and boy, that’s been an adjustment. Not a bad one, as things go, but it was definitely a lot to tackle on top of other stuff.😅 Hubby changed jobs (yay!), lots of paperwork came due (ack!), and I ended a long-term friendship which…eh. It sucks, but it was neccessary. Sad, though, too, not gonna lie.

Good news is, I have finally been able to work on relaxing! And I know that sounds odd, but I really have to W-O-R-K on that - and I’ve been sort of getting better at it!

I’ve been crafting (lots and LOTS of cross-stitching), and reading (Brandon Sanderson and Drew Hayes), and also occasionally brainstorming new fun stories! I don’t have anything definite planned right now, but we’ll see what happens.

Anyway, that’s the latest update from me - more to come soon! I hope. If I have the energy/spoons to do so. 🥰 Hope you’re all well!

[rangergirl3]

Don't you think it's easier for you to deal with your Trauma (tm) because you have a perfect marriage, a child who adores you, and a leisurely life as a housewife? It's harder for those who are single and alone and also need to work a full time job in order to survive.

No, I don’t think my trauma is easier to deal with. It’s different, but not easier.

For starters: No marriage is perfect. No child adores their parents 100% of the time. A housewife’s life is not leisurely.

So the assumptions Anon have started off with are very much out of sync with reality. Btw: I like Izumi Curtis. Quite a lot. Here she is, in her natural habitat, efficiently dealing with obstacles. :-)

Yeah - no. No. Trauma doesn’t magically become easier to deal with just because you’re married, with a kid, and not fulfilling a role at a place where you clock in and out of work.

It’s a lot of straight-up refusing to listen to the voices in my head that I literally grew up with, and trying to manage all of the emotional/mental/physical needs of a household while simultaneously being aware of my own needs, and to actually remember to take care of myself - which is very hard to do, because growing up, I literally locked away pieces of myself to cope with all the shitshow that was going on.

Breaking the cycle of generational abuse doesn’t really look, or feel, awesome. It’s worth it, but it’s hard. It’s looking through your possessions, and deciding to give away most of them. It’s having a handful of pictures from your childhood, because too many of them brought back vivid memories of assault and pain. It’s blocking a lot of phone numbers. It’s deleting anniversaries, birthdays, and upcoming events from your calendar. It’s putting down solid, unyielding boundaries to keep you, and those you love, safe, even when it also means saying goodbye - perhaps forever - to things that meant the world to you when you were growing up.

When the poison’s in the well, you have to stop drinking the water.

Stuff isn’t automatically ‘better’ just because of surroundings in your life. It’s just different terrain. Like, sure, I��m not on a mountainside in the middle of a snowstorm, but I am still in the middle of a storm on the ocean, on a ship, and oh crap if that was Uwa’toka we might need to portal out asap, because my kid isn’t up to a strong enough fighting level yet, and I need my Boots of Haste to take that giant sea snake on. Maybe a Vestige or two. (Vox Machina fans: I salute you).

Last thing: If you haven’t watched Ducktales 2017, please try to do so - that show is one of the best I’ve seen in ages. So sweet, funny, smart, and hopeful. A truly wonderful way to spend your time. <3

[rangergirl3]

Possible title for my next book:

Who I Am and How I Got Here

(Back of book sentence: High probability of it being: Well, you got me. By all accounts it doesn’t make sense)

Taken directly from this:

But seriously. Bit of pondering going on over here, lol.

[rangergirl3]

Oh gosh.

These last few weeks have been crazy busy, you guys.

Our car bit the dust (but it wasn’t in a scary way, it just wouldn’t start right), and then we had to do a lot of juggling to get another car to borrow, and it turned out someone wanted to pass on an older car of theirs, so that is turning out really, really well!

We got some more work done on our yard/house in preparation for winter, and my kid had so much fun playing in the leaves. :D

And, even though we’re coming up towards the holiday season, I’m actually feeling very grounded and secure and, like, actually still have energy to look forwards to planning holiday things, like gift-giving, fun times together with friends and family, etc. Which is a hugely positive change from the last...wow, like, five years or so. 

Because I used to feel all torn up emotionally when I would choose not to send my (very! estranged family members, ie parents) a card, or a gift, but now? It’s more like “Well, okay. Next?” :D

[rangergirl3]

Don’t wait to start living your ‘best’ life

So, I just reblogged a post that covers why some people don’t trust estranged parents, and the post I really liked! But I had some thoughts to add, so I thought I’d put them here ;-) <3

I’ve been estranged from my parents for...almost three years now, and you know what?

I feel more free now than I ever have before.

Just...yeah. It’s kind of great. :-)

Not going to lie, it feels AMAZING to wake up every morning, look at my phone to see what time it is, and NOT taking 10d10 necrotic damage from seeing/interacting with either of my parents. It’s really awesome.

Yeah, I’m still working through...so, so much BS from my past, and it’s not easy, but...you know, it’s worth the work. :-)

There’s this moment in a movie...ugh, I think it was ‘Braveheart’, which is not I movie I like, at all, (mostly because Mel Gibson was super involved in it and the movie is horribly historically inaccurate AND because Mel Gibson was in it it’s one of my father’s favorite movies which says a lot about him) but anyway, there’s a moment between a father and a son, where the father says something inane like “Ah, now that you know how to hate, you can finally be a true king.” And the son just looks back through the closing door and says: “My hate will die with you.”

It’s a powerful moment, but it got me thinking, way back when I saw that scene - about how terrible it would be, having to live with the hate until the father was dead and gone. For one thing, all the leverage would be with the jackass father that way, and for another...hate is something of a soul-killer. 

Anger? Now, that can be very useful fuel for good things. You just have to point it in the right direction. Kind of like the spell ‘Fireball’. Super useful, just...yeah, be careful when you use it so you don’t accidentally make you and your friends extra crispy as a result ;-) Looking at you, Caleb Widogast ;-)

Anyway, I saw the ‘Braveheart’ movie when I was much too young, since, you know, my father wanted friends but no one would hang with him as he was/is a jackass so instead of working on self-improvement he settled for exposing me to all kinds of very age-inappropriate stuff/concepts/mindsets including things like “Oh, once you get married, your body isn’t your own” and “Don’t wear that, people will only look at your boobs” and “Stop whining, you’re not actually hurt” and other dumb stuff like that - but back to the movie:

I figured, what if the the son just, you know, used that anger and rage and put it towards something useful and maybe...helping?? Somebody? While also distancing himself from the toxic parent, clearly. No one can start healing if they’re around poison every day. The detox process isn’t fun, but...yeah, it’s neccessary. Not easy. But very, very neccessary. Which meant estrangement, for me, and it’s sad, but...also not sad. Because for the first time ever, I’m...actually feeling worthy of love on a semi-regular basis...? And like, starting to accept that I can be/have been/am a total badass? :D

That’s a good feeling, guys! <3

Surviving trauma in childhood is complicated. Repeated, consistent, soul-sucking abuse is also...well, there’s a reason I have C-PTSD. Wheeee. (I say, trying to sound upbeat about a very dark subject matter)

Dark joke: You know when people say something like “Whoooo, shake what your mother gave you?” My defensive reaction is to say something like: “Oh! Do you mean crippling despair and pervasive self-hatred?” Which, you know, isn’t really funny, but...well, I laughed. Once or twice. *scuffs foot on ground, searching for something to break the mood*

I never really liked the idea of ‘shaking it’ anyway, unless you’re just being silly with some good friends who aren’t oogling you in a wierd or creepy way. But then, growing up with a mother who called me ‘pig’ and ‘fat’ didn’t help, and my father’s obsession with appearances is just downright narcissistic. Once or twice in some posts, I’ve mentioned that I felt very expendable growing up. I think...I actually felt...like I had no inherent worth, because, you know, it was drilled into my head that parents love their kids more than anyone else...and here my own were treating me like total shit.

But instead of thinking ‘Uh...is something wrong with them...?,’ my little kid brain decided it had to be something wrong with me, right, because...if the world isn’t like what my parents say...then who am I going to talk to? From a very young age, maybe...two? or three? I was conditioned into acting like everything was great, even - especially- when it wasn’t. I was told not to annoy other people by talking to them, or by making too much noise. My mother routinely screamed at me and hit me when I was ‘sassy’, and my father relied on fear and intimidation to keep me in line, so there wasn’t any pretense of unconditional love there, but I just, you know, was told/came to believe that it was somehow my fault.

Urgh. I literally despise my biological mother and father. Which is a lot healthier than still chasing their affections, believe me!

I’ll sum up this 1am post by saying this:

If you can do it safely, get estranged from anyone in your life who is toxic.

It will hurt.

It will not be easy.

But living with the truth is much better than living a lie.

And here is one of my all-time favorite gifs :D

[rangergirl3]

I don’t always try to organize my digital files, but when I do, I end up taking multiple breaks because sorting through this amount of stuff is...well, it’s a lot.

I keep trying to tackle different projects, but I’ve been so, soooo tired the last several weeks. I keep taking naps and still feeling tired. 0.0

[rangergirl3]

The six hour long nap

So, as a lot of you know, this month has been SUPER BUSY. :D

First weekend of July, we packed our stuff up and began moving across the country. Second weekend of July, we arrived at our destination. Third weekend of July (this weekend), we had a great big happy party with my husband’s extended family. Much fun was had by all. 

So basically, this month has been super busy, a lot of fun, but very very busy. And after the party yesterday, my husband and I were able to sneak out and have a mini-date night together while his parents watched our baby girl. :D

Many, many good things! :-) 

HOWEVER!

Throughout the month, I have been having some very vivid and incredibly unpleasant flashbacks to various traumatic times. It’s not unusual for me to have them, but the less sleep/more stress that builds up, the worse it can get. 

Being so busy (and in such a big stage of transition) tends to cause things to...sort of escalate. But I’m used to ignoring things my body is trying to tell me,  because for so long I had to downplay or outright ignore the discomfort I was in. (Living with abusive asshole parents who insist that they are ‘not’ and that you are a ‘bad daughter’ for saying so is super unpleasant/not very healthy, I don’t recommend it.)

Anyway, I’ve been practicing at the whole self-care thing, and I’m much better than I used to be. :D But, with all the different stuff going on, I sort of reached my limit and... well, here’s what happened.

_____

At 6am this morning, I woke up, feeling unwell. I then proceeded to throw up stomach acid, as I hadn’t eaten or drunk anything since like, 9:30 pm the night before. 

Yep. It was not fun. 

This, in turn, caused me to temporarily lose my voice. Something to do with how bad stomach acid is for your when it’s, you know, not in your stomach. But, a few tiny sips of milk later, the worst of the burning subsided, allowing me to get a few more hours of sleep. 

Personally I think it was a whole lot of tiredness/general background anxiety/the flashbacks reaching a point where my body physically reacted to the toxic levels of stress and just - well, got it out. Yucky, but not the worst way to have stress manifest. (Looking back, I’ve had a few pretty disturbing nightmares over the last week, but I just sort of shrugged them off and dove into whatever project needed doing at the time. Bad habits are a real bitch to break).

After breakfast, shower, and a few hours spent tottering about the house, (where my mother in law reassured me that she could watch our daughter while I rested), I then went and took the Six Hour Long Nap.

I still can’t talk much, but WOW I feel better. :D :D 

[rangergirl3]

Okay, so I JUST saw Spiderman: Far From Home on Wednesday - and what a movie. So many excellent fight scenes. So many great performances! <3

I go into more detail below the cut, but the TL;DR version is this:

This movie, while excellent, deals with some stuff that I’ve experienced in my past. Can’t say more without possibly spoiling the movie. (Nothing R-rated).

Anyway, a lot’s been going on lately. I tend to get headaches from stress, and the last couple of days (after seeing FFH), I’ve had some pretty persistent ones. Flashbacks, too, and a few really bad dreams. Mostly just headaches, though. (Can I hear a Huzzah! for painkillers!)

The plus side to all this life transition is that I’m able to remind myself that neither of my parents are in my life anymore. And, if I’m ever starting to revert back to the freaked-out/scared/petrified mindset of when I was a kid, aka ‘Oh no they’re going to be so mad, what will they do to me?!’ I can at least quip:

“What are they gonna do, huh? Abandon me? Oooooh, right. That was last year.”

Painful, yeah. Evisceratingly awful at the time. Kind of my lowest point ever. But honestly? I’m way better off now. :D

I really am okay. Mostly through making wry comments/writing/spending time with friends/other assorted and quirky ways of processing stress.

Speaking of which...

Pardon me while I go write whump/angst/hurt/comfort to cope. :D

Spoilers from ‘Spiderman: Far From Home’ below the cut

Please understand, this is a good movie! A very very good one! They portrayed Mysterio wonderfully! 

It’s just...guys, I grew up with a guy who was exactly like that. I called him Dad. He did all but physically eviscerate his kids, all in the name of what he ‘was called to do’. (He’s a total dick.)

That entire manipulation game? The way Mysterio absolutely played the part of what/who Peter needed/wanted so desperately? The cold-blooded, mocking, self-absorbed true self that came out when his plans were threatened?

Yep. That guy.

The way he made it look like Peter was the bad guy, and made it look so damn believable it’s impossible to know what’s going to happen next?

YES.

THAT GUY.

‘Far From Home’ is great, great movie! Fantastically done! :D

It’s just really difficult for me to enjoy a movie that does such a spot-on portrayal of a master manipulator, and the hero who feels so, so dumb for trusting them. True, Peter realizes his mistake, but oh, damn. The time before it is just so painful.

My mother complements my father well. Together they are completely toxic, manipulative, and the last people you want as parents.

The way the drones projected a fake monster, but still inflicted real and catastrophic damage? That was my life for over two decades. (That’s gaslighting. It’s a bitch.)

The beating that Peter takes from Mysterio’s drones that showcases all of Peter’s worst fears while leaving him with severe physical damage?

My parents had no qualms whatsoever about hitting, slapping, or otherwise physically beating me to make me do/say/think/believe what they wanted. 

The way Mysterio just looks at Peter and says, completely geniuine, ‘For what it’s worth, I really am sorry.’ RIGHT. BEFORE. A TRAIN HITS PETER?

THAT. 

THAT RIGHT THERE.

THAT IS WHAT TOXIC PARENTING IS. THAT IS WHAT MY PARENTS DID, AND STILL DO. EVERY. DAMN. DAY.

They consider someone who trusted them - completely - as an acceptable loss the second that person ‘gets in the way.’ 

That was my ‘normal’, and I was told/conditioned into believing it was all my fault. “If Only I were a Better Child, They Wouldn’t Have To Do This” If only I’d been better, maybe my parents could have loved me, despite all my many flaws. If only I’d done more, somehow, they might have been able to meet me half-way.

The truth is a lot more simple, but massively less complimentary to their egos.

If only they hadn’t chosen to be assholes, they just might have been able to improve their lives, and the lives of their kids. But let’s be honest.

“They had so much more important stuff to do.”

Like I said before, I still get headaches from stress, and the last couple of days, I’ve had some pretty persistent ones. Flashbacks, too, and a few really bad dreams. The plus side to this is that I’m able to remind myself that neither of my parents are in my life anymore. And, if I’m ever starting to revert back to the freaked-out/scared/petrified mindset of when I was a kid, aka ‘Oh no they’re going to be so mad, what will they do to me?!’ I can at least quip:

“What are they gonna do, huh? Abandon me? Oooooh, right. That was last year.”

I really try to keep focused on the good things in life, and I really am okay.

It just frustrates me that a perfectly good movie (well-made, fun, enjoyable, etc) can lead to me still having very unpleasant repercussions. 

*goes off to edit/brainstorm/edit/maybe post some BTHB*

<3 <3 <3 <3

[rangergirl3]

Whoo-hoo! I finally finished making my very own recipe binder! :D 

As some of you may already know, I’ve been doing the whole KonMari method thingy. Part of the process includes going through stuff and deciding if you want to bring it with you into your future or not.

We tackled the kitchen the other week my god we have so many baking pans and I realized that I had barely used the box of recipes I’d brought with me from college within the last...um...two or three...years...?

Yeah, I guess the whole not-talking-to-my-parents-thing kind of had unseen repercussions...like me unconsciously avoiding anything that could possibly remind me of my progenitors, including the written out recipes I’d used back when I lived with them which was far from a high point in my life I mean let’s be honest it was kind of a bleh experience all around

BUT GUESS WHO JUST FINISHED MAKING A WHOLE NEW GORGEOUS RECIPE BINDER OF HER OWN?!! WITH ALL HER FAVORITE RECIPES?!!

ME. THAT’S WHO.

It’s so PRETTY. I USED STICKERS. :D :D :D 

[rangergirl3]

I just tossed out most of the items from my memory box and I’ve never felt better then when I tossed those bags into the trash compactor :D :D

I did donate a whole lot of stuff too, it was just really quite AWESOME to throw trash away because...well, ya know, it’s nice to throw trash into the trash - especially if you’re going about it the right way :-)

OKAY

So after I watched the ‘Tidying Up With Marie Kondo’ show on Netflix - I went through my stuff and began tossing out stuff that I’d held on to solely because I felt like I was obligated to keep it

Note: I kept everything that I truly loved/brought me joy - whooo!!! :D Like _all_ of the fan fiction I wrote back then (it’s so cute, I’ll show you guys the notebooks soon in a video or something

BUT HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS

THERE WAS SO MUCH STUFF IN MY CLOSET THAT I REALIZED I COULD DITCH and/or DONATE!!!

This included:

- coats that no longer fit

- school papers and projects that I’d held onto out of a subconscious desire to prove that I’d done the work to my parents

- items from my childhood that only had bad memories associated with them that brought me stress and pain every time I saw or thought of them

SO I GOT RID OF THOSE THINGS AND IT’S AMAZING :D :D :D 

So, basically, now that I think I’ve mostly cleared the triggers out of my house, I’m gonna go back to the beginning and I’m going to KonMari the **** out of this thing! :D :D 

Just a quick add-on: As a lot of you know, I’m in counseling for Complex PTSD and I do take daily meds - and while this KonMari method is absolutely fantastic, I do have to take things one careful step at a time because part of this whole C-PTSD thing is that my body/mind/heart/soul has a lot of what I call ‘back-log’ to process. Repressed memories of trauma are very, very hard on you and it shouldn’t be underestimated - so just make sure you are taking EXTRA KIND AND GOOD care of yourself if you tackle stuff in this way. I HIGHLY RECOMMEND that you read Marie Kondo’s two books - ‘The life-changing magic of tidying up’ (which is also a manga if you’d prefer to read it that way) and ‘Spark Joy’ - which is an illustrated companion book to the first one.

After reading the books, I realized that in the past, I’d worked myself into literal breakdowns when trying to weed out triggers because I got all caught up in what I was throwing away (eg triggers) instead of keeping myself grounded in the present and focusing on what I was keeping (eg joy-bringing items). So please, if you do decide to tackle this stuff, please take extra good care of yourself and make sure you get plenty of rest, keep taking your meds, and talk to good friends/your therapist/do things that you enjoy while working on this literal life-changing project.

Even with the hard work this entails, I’m really excited to do this - especially because we’ll be moving in the next few months and this is the PERFECT opportunity to only take what I really love into the future. 

LET’S DO THIS THING!! :D

[rangergirl3]

Don’t settle for a ‘nice’ guy

For example: Ross from ‘Friends’. Anyone who’s seen even some of the show will tell you that he’s supposed to be the ‘nice’ guy, even though he’s a total jackass. He’s self-absorbed, self-pitying, and doesn’t try to become a better person (or he folds at the first difficulty he meets).

Sure, the dude can be nice, but once something doesn’t go his way? He tries to manipulate it back into what he wants. If that doesn’t work, he gets mad and throws a temper tantrum. So he’s not actually a good guy.

So, who’s left after we filter out the ‘nice guys’? Aka What kind of person should you want to be/be with?(In any kind of relationship - romantic, friendship, platonic, etc)

A GOOD PERSON.

‘Good’ may sound similar to ‘nice’, but the two are NOT the same thing.

Because a Good Person is not perfect, but is aware of their faults and admits when they have screwed up. A Good Person steps up and apologizes when they’ve done wrong, and they try to do better. 

A Good Person doesn’t treat other people like objects or tools in order to get what they want. They treat others with basic human decency, but they don’t condone or ignore assholish behavior. A Good Person genuinely cares about other people, and even on bad days, they do their best to do what is right.

So good does not = nice.

Don’t settle for the two-faced ‘nice’ guy who wants to get his way whatever the cost - and don’t ever feel like you need someone else to ‘complete’ you.

Be a good person. Be a kind person. Basically, do your best to be all that you can be, because your potential for greatness is unlimited. 

Be kind. Be amazing. Kick ass.  

Hey, I should make a t-shirt of that. :-)

[rangergirl3]

Preparing for a cross-country move with a four month old baby is a little bit like:

Juggling three cats who do not enjoy being juggled in the slightest

While standing on your head

Taking occasional gulps of lukewarm coffee through a straw

Counting to a million by prime numbers only

While also looking for where that blasted timeline list went to because you know it exists somewhere but it is hiding amid the piles of stuff you intend to pack ‘later’

In one word? Circus. 

But it’s also sort of endearingly crazy. :D I mean, sure, sometimes I want to scream into the void, but overall it’s kind of fun <3

Right now my baby girl is napping, and since she woke up before the sun rose, I can chug some coffee before diving back into sorting paperwork :D :D :D 

[rangergirl3]

Hey everyone! Just wanted to hop onto Tumblr quick and tell you all that Baby Girl is doing great! :D :D :D 

She was born mid-morning on Dec 31 - so right before New Years! :D :D :D 

Her name is Catarina - and she is the BEST baby in the entire multiverse. Not that I’m biased or anything. :-)

Right now I’m in the early whirlwind of being a mama to an infant - and it’s AWESOME. Also I am very very sleep-deprived but since I’m on a hormonal high, I just plan to enjoy it. Also my husband helps out a lot, and that means he’s sleep deprived too. Also we’ve been operating on about six hours of sleep every two days.

So although we want to express our delight by doing something like this:

Instead, we sleep whenever we can. :-) <3

I’ll try to post more later - and feel free to message me if you like! If you want I can gush over how adorable our little girl is for paragraphs :D

No, seriously, I can. I do. One look from her big blue eyes and I’m absolutely mush. <3 <3 <3

[rangergirl3]

I think my subconscious is telling me something

So early this morning, I had a dream where I was facing off with at least one of the abusers from my past

And I realized half-way through the fight that I was fighting like Shiro in that moment in Season 2 in the astral plane against Zarkon

Then at the very end I kicked my opponent in the chest and they went flying backwards!! :D I think I even said something like ‘I’ve got nothing to prove to you’ as I did it

And then I woke up in the best mood I’ve felt in...a couple of months. :-)

Oh yes. Today was a good day.

[rangergirl3]

We think our daughter might have red hair and I am delighted 

(I know hair and eye color can change and she’s still like, a five day old infant but oh my goodness blue eyes and red hair would be such a stunning combination! :D)

Although to be honest she could totally dye her hair purple or green or whatever and I’d be saying this:

[rangergirl3]

So @rohanrider3​ - I know we’re twins and all, but technically I am younger than you (if only by three minutes).

Pretty sure that makes me Ten and you Eleven.

Because Time Lords change as they age.

So even though Ten came first, Eleven is the elder of the two.

NB: if this makes no sense, I apologize. Apparently my mind finds strange loopholes when it’s operating on five hours of sleep or less per every three days :D