#Raaaamblinggggg agaaiiinnnn

[detransexual]

I sometimes feel like im not truly detransitioned, because im not interested in undergoing any medical treatment to reverse my transition, and im not unhappy with how i ended up after it, i just no longer consider myself trans or "a man". But im now a little over a year off of T, i got my period back, ive lost a lot of weight and look more like a boobless woman than a slight manboob dude, and im happy with that. I get uncomfortable about my beard/stubble sometimes, but thats more from the perspective of "hm this makes me look like a gnc male and i live in a small town, i grew up being bullied for being gnc n i know from personal experience there's a lot of homophobes here, this makes me nervous" rather than "this looks weird/wrong and makes me unhappy/uncomfortable".

Im still really glad i dont have boobs anymore, 90% for physical comfort reasons and 10% really liking how its looks and not because it makes me look less female, and not at all in the same way i felt about it when i was binding or freshly post surgery. I really like how hairy T made me, not because i see it as a male feature, i just love being a hairy woman, i love my happy trail and my hairy thighs. I love how deep my voice is, not because it sounds male, but because it rumbles nicely in my chest when i sing and talk, my voice was always quite deep for a girl but it used to be very versatile, and sometimes i miss being able to hit high notes, but i love that i sound similar to my favourite female singers. And sometimes i feel like that means im not really detransitioned, despite having decided to stop transitioning and having considered myself a woman for over a year, but who says i have to regret my choices or hate/dislike my body/voice/self in order to consider myself detransitioned?

At the end of the day im a woman and i always will be, and im happy about that, ill always have a deep voice and no breasts and unusually much body hair, and im really happy with that too, not because it makes me less female the way i used to feel about it, but because it feels good and beautiful and comfortable, and im so happy that i get to be both a woman and hairy and deep voiced and tit-less, because i feel complete and natural now in a way i didnt before "detransitioning". I was always worried about how i looked, how others saw me, terrified that men would see that i was a girl, agonising over looking as male as possible.

I have masculine attributes and none of them make me less of a woman, none of them make me less whole, and i feel extremely lucky that i found radical feminism when i did even though i often wonder who id grown up to be if id been raised by a radical family and/or in a radical society, and i often feel a sense of grief about how i never truly got to find myself, ans now it'll likely take me well into my 30s to truly find myself after ive processed all the trauma that was inflicted on me by a deeply misogynistic society, to varying degrees and in many different ways by many different people, both men and women. Im rambling but idk. Im just having a day™ i guess lol. Anyway i wish i hadnt ended up in a situation where i suffered from dysphoria, but it wasnt my fault and i tried to handle it the best i could, and im lucky that it didnt make it worse, but now im here and i honestly think i feel stronger and more secure in my womanhood than id ever have been if i hadnt been down this road. I regret many MANY things in life, lots of them absolutely stupid and menial, but despite finding out it wasnt the right way forward, transitioning isnt one of those things. Also im drunk lmao, sorry for babbling, lovee u girlss💕💕

If anything i think im both a woman and a transexual in a way, or like bit of an old school transvestite, or just a woman who'd get in trouble for crossdressing in older days, it really feels like it all depends on what era of lens u wview it thru, but no matter what different people would classify me as ill always be a woman and there's a comfort in knowing that it doesnt matter what i label myself as, i dont need to examine my " gender" and figure out my "identify", and what others identify me as matters just as little, and i just think thats neat❤️