#ROOMMATES/MORMON COMPANIONS

[brick-brick-brick]

I grew up mainstream Mormon. Left years ago, am presently living with roommates in various stages of making their way out of the FLDS church. I agree on all fronts. Fundamentalist degree of control is a lot higher, except maybe in the mainstream mission field, where every moment of every day is heavily regulated, scrutinized, and enforced by companions and mission leaders. BITEness is off the charts for those kids.

America has a weird relationship with cults where they’re terrified of small cults (or organizations they think are cults) but completely normalized massive cults that hurt many more people (eg: LDS Church, Jehovah’s Witnesses, the Amish, Scientology, most Megachurches)

[endstar]

Ideas for the Grief AU:

After escaping hell, Malak makes a Tammy plushie to give to doug, since doug already got him an agatha one.

The two adopt a pet together, they name Tamatha after both their daughters.

I headcanon that Malak has a fondness for ducks, so doug often takes his demon companion to the park.

Doug starts cosplaying as demons and angels, to hide the fact that Malak is a demon in public.

They get in trouble with angels occasionally, and the two treat them like mormons that go door to door. Relatively annoyed by them showing up to "help protect" doug from his roommate. Time and time again they have to explain that Malak is there bc he has nowhere to go, and no one to go to.

They study the occult together, to try and find a way to get the ring back. Malak secretly plans to give doug immortal life, along with bringing both their daughters back, if he were to get his power back.

THEY GET A PET DUCK❤️

[thinking-aromanticism]

The book in which “amatonormativity” was first coined and defined is Minimizing Marriage by Elizabeth Brake.

some quick quotes from the book (if you think the quotes aren’t so quick, consider that they’re a lot quicker than reading the entire book):

““amatonormativity”—the focus on marital and amorous love relationships as special sites of value”

“The belief that marriage and companionate romantic love have special value leads to overlooking the value of other caring relationships. I call this disproportionate focus on marital and amorous love relationships as special sites of value, and the assumption that romantic love is a universal goal, “amatonormativity”: This consists in the assumptions that a central, exclusive, amorous relationship is normal for humans, in that it is a universally shared goal, and that such a relationship is normative, in that it should be aimed at in preference to other relationship types. The assumption that valuable relationships must be marital or amorous devalues friendships and other caring relationships, as recent manifestos by urban tribalists, quirkyalones, polyamorists, and asexuals have insisted.”

“Violations of amatonormativity would include dining alone by choice, putting friendship above romance, bringing a friend to a formal event or attending alone, cohabiting with friends, or not searching for romance” [note/analysis from me: this specifically applies to situations where these things are considered unusual. Going alone to get a bite to eat at a taco truck while single is not considered unusual or something that one “should” have a partner for, so it doesn’t violate amatonormativity, while preferentially dining without one’s partner and eating dinner alone at a nice sit-down restaurant may. Having roommates while single in college does not violate amatonormativity, choosing to live with friends instead of one’s partner does. Use your discretion to figure out what would actually register as “abnormal” in your social context.]

“Amatonormativity wrongly privileges the central, dyadic, exclusive, enduring amorous relationship associated with, but not limited to, marriage. By “central,” I mean the relationship is prioritized by the partners over other relationships and projects. Such relationships tend to be characterized by sexual exclusivity, domesticity, and shared property, but need not be: Couples who maintain an enduring amorous relationship but refrain from sex, maintain separate domiciles, or keep their property disentangled, can still be recognized socially as amorous partners. Conversely, two friends who have sex, live together, or share property would not be privileged by amatonormativity if the friends did not present themselves as romantic partners. Thus, legal marriage, sex, shared domicile, or shared property are not necessary conditions for privilege; an amorous, enduring, central love relationship is. While marriage is not necessary for privilege, it is usually sufficient for it. While amorous love, endurance, and centrality are jointly sufficient for privilege, no one of these features is independently sufficient. A brief, amorous summer fling or extramarital affair would not be privileged, and friendships may be central and enduring but still not privileged”

“The relationships penalized by amatonormativity may or may not involve sex and romantic love. Polyamorous relationships fail to meet the norm, just as groups of friends do. Polyamorists have multiple domestic or sexual partners, who in turn also typically have other partners, and these multiple relationships are character- ized by affectionate bonds as well as sex (although there is some debate within the polyamorous community as to whether polyamory must involve love). Elizabeth Emens gives examples of the range of polyamorous configurations falling outside the norm of “compulsory monogamy” as well as amatonormativity: Mormon polygyny, an “ethical slut,” a woman with two “husbands,” and a four-partner family or “multi- party marriage.”” [note/analysis from me: because Brake is writing from and to a USAmerican perspective, her examples relate to what is normative in the USA as a whole. Polygyny may be amatonormative in a social context where it’s normative, like within a Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints community or in Saudi Arabia. Even then, however, the same behavior that may be normative in an accepting community is still non-normative when the Mormon or Saudi polygamist is talking about it with a circle of secular Americans in New York.]

“One way of demarcating the privilege accorded by amatonormativity is that the privileged relationships are given family status. Family tends to be understood, for legal and census purposes, either by marriage or a marriage-like relationship (such as monogamous cohabitation or “common-law” marriage) or by the presence of chil- dren. Further, the reproductive family tends to be understood in marital terms… while single parents and married or “common law” parents are recognized in law, extended-family or friend parental groups tend to remain invisible.”

“Amatonormative discrimination does not consist merely in stereotyping and lack of social recognition. Much tangible discrimination attaches to marital status. Discrimination in housing, with preferential treatment for the married, is legally permitted in the United States, and is official government policy in military housing. An array of government benefits is accessible by the married, widowed, and divorced. Married or formerly married persons qualify for U.S. Social Security payments based on their spouse’s employment. Married workers receive significantly higher benefit packages when these include spousal health insurance at a reduced rate, while unmarried persons receive no opportunity to purchase health insurance for a friend. Workplace discrimination is the apparent cause of the fact that married men receive significantly higher pay than their unmarried male peers with similar levels of achievement; moreover, singles widely report being expected to work evenings and holidays, to take on assignments involving extensive travel, and otherwise being treated by employers as if their nonwork commitments were less important than those of married co-workers. Physicians report providing better care to patients whom they saw as family members. Finally, law enforces “compulsory monogamy” by imposing penalties—not just in criminal law penalizing adultery and bigamy, including bigamous cohabitation in some states, but through residential zoning laws limiting numbers of unrelated cohabitants and in child custody decisions. (For example, the child of a woman with two “husbands” was removed due to the judgment that her lifestyle was immoral.)”

-

A lot of people in the aromantic community online use “amatonormativity” to mean, basically, alloromonormativity, that is, an expectation that people will feel an emotion of romantic love and engage in romantic relationships based on it. Sometimes they will use amatonormativity to refer to the expectation that people feel emotions of love at all, including love toward family and friends. I would caution against using it in the former way and I would caution strongly against using it in the latter way. That said, Brake’s definitions and analysis aren’t the last word on amatonormativity just because they’re the first words. There are valuable expansions on the idea of amatonormativity from aromantics, and you should use your own judgment to think critically about how this term and idea should best be understood.

truly being an ally to or a supporter of aro/ace folks means doing your best to understand what amatonormativity is, how it impacts aspec people's lives, and how it constrains us all.

[anxious-shapeshifter]

the missionaries, part 2: electric boogaloo

Ok, first of all, and pardon my french, but holy fuck I didn’t realize there’d be this many people checking out my essays this soon! Thank you! It’s nice having my thoughts be seen and heard for once, and I hope it also helps others not feel so alone.

Now then! I had the most *wonderful* opportunity to follow up with the missionaries from two weeks ago just yesterday (well, one of them. She had a new companion). Strangely, they never really texted me until the morning of, so I almost thought they may have forgotten, which honestly I wouldn’t have minded.

They first asked if I’d managed to convince any of my roommates to join us, which, y’know, I didn’t (all of them have bad experiences with mormonism a/o other religions). I thought I’d mentioned this last time they were here, but I guess they must’ve *conveniently* forgotten.

They also *conveniently* forgot that I’d told them the reason I myself was uncomfortable coming back to church is because of the way the church hierarchy talks about and treats queer people, and proceeded to spend most of the time pestering me to go to church next Sunday or come to an activity.

The new companion asked me about how I enjoyed living here in SLC, and then jumped into asking if I’d ever been to the temple here, which I haven’t. She thought this was strange, and frankly I found the way she approached the whole thing insensitive...I guess she didn’t have the previous meeting’s context, though.

All in all, I came away from this meeting much more annoyed than the previous, and I regret not being a little more forward. I’m a bit too polite sometimes, because I dislike hurting people’s feelings, even when they’re overstepping boundaries like it felt like they were doing here. I’ll probably decline another meeting if asked again.

[kikubi]

I swore I would never blog about my DND adventures for various reasons, but I had to. I had to get this story out into the world.

So, first, the context. I have been playing in a West Marches style GURPS campaign for several years now. Our DM is really awesome. Awesome guy. Very supportive. Excellent DM. 11/10. I got involved with this group in the first place because my roommate has been friends with his little sister since college and they invited us to play. Everyone in the group is really great and we have an amazing time. Only thing is, they’re all Mormon.

This hasn’t really been a problem at all. The fact that I no longer am or that I’m queer just sort of hasn’t come up. Our DM doesn’t really do romances in plots, so my characters’ sexual orientations never come up. He is aware that I have a girlfriend and it’s just been my own choice not to bring it up with everyone else. It’s just a fun space and we enjoy ourselves.

But, well. Of course I know all my characters are gay.

The main one that I play in this campaign is a fellow by the name of Phosphorus Soulfate, seen here with his pet rock Svelbald whom he purchased for 17 gold in his first ever session because the merchant told him it was a baby golem and really that’s about everything you need to know about Phos.

He's fun to play. Recently became a paladin for a fallen angel. Has a fae companion who increases his spellcasting but gives him minor curses if he makes a pun, so, you know. Any time he says his full name.

Anyway, I’ve been playing him in this campaign for a while now. Long enough that Svelbald is now actually a golem.... But I also played him briefly in a 5E campaign that my girlfriend DMed where he was finally able to shine in his full, queer glory and start a quest to rescue his half-orc boyfriend from slave traders. Also, he made friends with some guys working in a brothel who were eager to coach him on the ways of the world. When we happened to find a magical... ahem... ring in an actual extra guidebook that had the grease spell on it, we joked that one of the prostitutes should give it to Phos as a wedding present eventually.

So, back over in my main campaign, we had just gotten through a major plot-altering battle and, you know, done some real party bonding, and our other caster decides to hand out some gifts.

“We made these with each of you in mind,” they explained (plural because this other caster is two people sharing a body). “It’s a piece of jewelry with a spell on it that you can use as a free action once each day!”

“Oo, cool!” the rest of us said.

They start handing out these items, and it’s, like, one gal got a bracelet with a gravity well spell on it in memory of the time she singlehandedly held off, like, 12 tanks by dodging all their attacks for 8 rounds straight. Our kobold got a necklace that lets him turn into an actual massive dragon for an hour a day. Our soul-catching ex-fae got a thing where she can make an illusory phantom seem real to people. Etc.

The whole thing was real cute and sweet and my roommate made a joke that they were proposing to all of us.

And then they get to Phos.

“For you,” they say, “we have... this.”

Guys.

Guys.

Holy shit guys.

I have never... never come that close to actually choking, I swear.

The Ring of Grease.

I......

This guy playing these characters.... has no clue. Has no FUCKING CLUE. What he’s just done. He doesn’t know. He doesn’t know that I’m gay, he doesn’t know that Phos is gay, he doesn’t know that Phos is dating a half-orc in our blithe little side canon.... And my poor roommate and I are sitting here on the other side of Discord just. Fucking dying. As silently as possible because he’s still talking to me so I can’t just mute myself without looking rude. I have to think of something to say. They’re all waiting for me to make some sort of thanks for this gift.

Somehow, I managed NOT to ask if they can increase the duration of the spell. Somehow, I managed not to say ANYTHING that would potentially offend or upset these poor little Mormon children. SOMEHOW I managed to just choke out an “Okay, thanks.”

That was last week. Today, we played again, and I just had to ask him, “Why that particular spell for Phos?” And all he could come up with was, “Well.... He has really high dex, so I figured he could use it without handicapping himself. Do you want something else instead?”

Oh no. Oh no, my friend. Phos is keeping this ring forever.

Just gotta figure out how to make that spell last longer than 1 minute.....

[yellow401]

I need to know

“I need to know,” I prayed.

“Lord, I need to know that all of this is not just a reaction, a defense mechanism from a damaged 14-year-old boy.”

“I need to know that this is real, not just a fence I’ve put up because I’m too afraid of my past.”

“I need to know, because I cannot continue down this path if it’s not real. I cannot continue, if I don’t know.”

I said this prayer in the bathroom, because it’s one of the places I can go to pray. I figured out one day that I’ve never lived alone—I went from living with my parents to living with a missionary companion, then to roommates in college, then I was married. Now we have reproduced. So, I pray where I can; where no one will see me but God.

On my twenty-fifth birthday, I was at a Thai restaurant with my family, and I excused myself from the table because I couldn’t keep from crying. I went into the bathroom then, too—it was one of those that just has one toilet in it, and you lock the door. As soon as I locked the door and sat down, I heard a voice in my head as clear as day: “It’s just you and me now. You can tell me whatever you need to tell me.” It was the voice of God.

I immediately lost it. I sobbed my heart out in that bathroom, praying to God. And He listened to every word. I know that today as much as I knew it then. And for the first time that whole day and the sleepless night that preceded it, I felt peace.

That night, I prayed in my bedroom alone when my roommates were not around. I was crying again. “¿Cómo puede ser que yo no cambie?” How can it be, that I cannot change? By then I understood that “change” was not going to involve my sexuality; nor did I expect to pray any of that part of myself out of my life. I could handle that. But I also understood by this point that, for better or worse, my lot lay with the Church, with the Gospel of Jesus Christ, not as a spectator or an ally, but as a practitioner, and, unfortunately, as a leader. No, I wasn’t trying to un-gay myself that night; but I was trying to un-sin, to un-loser, to un-coward. To finally take that leap of faith and live according to the covenants I knew were right, the life I knew I needed to live even if I tried to ignore it. Excruciating, that; the ignoring it, I mean. Don’t do it if you can help it.

Each of these times, I had a good cry between myself and the Lord, then I wiped my tears and went out into the world. Each of these times, there were people depending on me, and I didn’t need them to see me broken.

Bettina is not the main character in Freie Fall, but she’s my favorite. When she finds out that her husband has been cheating on her with one of his male colleagues, she takes their baby and goes to stay with friends for a while. He tracks her down and they have a spectacularly awkward exchange on the doorstep. She finally broaches the word “gay,” and he can only stammer, “I’m . . . not . . .” To which she quietly replies, “Was bist du, dann?” What are you, then? When he doesn’t respond, she shouts at him in justified anger, “WAS BIST DU, DANN?” He still says nothing, and she slams the door in his face.

Some time later, on another sleepless night, I didn’t know why but I felt like my heart would burst. I prayed, “Lord of Heaven and Earth, You who know all things, who looked at Your creation and decided that for some reason at this time the world needed one of me in it, WHAT AM I, THEN?”

The answer came quickly. “You’re not gay. Not just gay, anyway.” That was not the answer I expected. Well, fine. I guess I could handle that. God didn’t seem to mind telling me that I was odd; maybe He knew what He was doing.

Brief history of my life: 1999-2011: took shit from the Mormons for being gay; 2011-2019: took shit from the gays for marrying a woman. It took me until I was 34 years old to figure out just exactly where I fit, and by then I realized the exact label didn’t matter; just don’t call me “gay and in denial” and we can be friends. Maybe the rainbow flag will always trigger me a little (though I understand it means safety and acceptance for many others), but I can stand off to the side with my little panro heart and call that place home.

It is both frightening and emboldening to realize that, as I learn to recognize and accept some of these parts of me, particularly those that fall outside the ideal mold of what “righteous” people are like, I have actually grown closer to God. The condemnation I was so sure would fall upon my head when I was fourteen . . . hasn’t. In fact, I’ve had to ask God’s forgiveness for not trusting Him more.

If you told my ten-years-ago self all the things that would happen between then and now, he probably would say something like, “Don’t talk shit,” because he swore more often than I do, and also because he wouldn’t believe you.  But somehow, one little thought, one epiphany, one prayer in the dark at a time, my life has changed an awful lot in ten years. God has been guiding me the whole time.

When I first started this blog, I wrote:

“Something awoke in me. There is something I need to say that I haven’t been saying.  Something needs to get out.  I don’t yet know what–I prayed about it, but sometimes you have to pray for a while about something like that.

“So for some reason I started a tumblr account at 1:00 a.m. on a Sunday morning and here I am writing about it.  Maybe I’ll figure it out as I write. Maybe that’s what I’m supposed to figure out.  Dammit, I don’t know.”

When I say “something awoke,” I mean an uncontainable longing for something completely unreachable and opaque to me at the time. I didn’t even know what to do about it, other than wait on the Lord’s timing. After finishing the post before this one I realized that I was close to figuring it out. I knew at that point that there was one more post to write in this blog, though I didn’t know what at the time. I guessed there was one other shoe that had to drop before I could call this particular phase of my life complete.

I think I know what the last piece is now: complete honesty and acceptance. Of myself first, so that I can completely, unequivocally stop worrying about myself and do the work I’m supposed to do in this life. I’ve asserted elsewhere on this blog that I’m not special—everyone is here to serve in some way and overcome some thing. I know that acknowledging my flaws and issues isn’t going to magically fix them, but I feel now in a way that I didn’t before that maybe I can confront them and move on. Then of others—I don’t know exactly what, but I know I have work to do in the Church and in my career before I’m done. And for whatever reason, God made me weird, so there must be something unique I can do for others.

So with this final blog post I turn over the page on this chapter of my life, this period of intense growth, knowing the future will probably be at least as intense; I assert, though my hands may tremble, that my life is not an act—I know who I am and what direction I’m headed. That’s about all I know, right now. But it’s a lot. And I have learned through happy experience that it is enough for now.

Here goes nothing.

[jackednephi]

Hey!! You’re doing great. Keep it up. We’ve been mutuals for awhile and even though I’ve never talked to you, I’ve commented on some of your stuff and you’ve commented on some of mine. And you’ve really brightened my day a few days. So keep your head up, Vann. You’re doing great. You got people behind you.

Thank you!!

I'm trying really hard to live my best life, to be true to my entire queerness AND my faith. I was really reluctant to talk about the relationship problems I'd been having with my ex because I was worried people would be all "oh it's because you're not monogamous" when that's not true at all. There's also a huge stigma of divorce in Mormon culture because "oh nooo your eternal companion noooooo"

But the thing is, I prayed about my divorce and I got the same kind of answer as when I asked about marrying them. They'd made a LOT of choices and our paths had diverged. One of those choices was how much they drink and they've become an alcoholic over the years. Another was that no matter how badly they treated others, they took forgiveness for granted and never sought therapy in order to heal from trauma and be a better partner. They always assumed that no matter what they did or how badly they hurt others, that forgiveness was always a sure thing. So they might as well be selfish and do as they please because there would be no consequences anyway

Our relationship had turned abusive. I wasn't allowed to complain about how I was treated because I didn't have a job and "didn't contribute anyway" despite being severely disabled. I wasn't allowed to speak out about their husband no matter what he said to me or to my husband. I was expected to cook and clean for all five of us and never complain because I "didn't contribute" and so on. Somehow. I was supposed to pay for all my expenses myself and since I couldn't, the brunt was on my husband. But you're supposed to split finances 50/50 with spouses so it never made any sense to me that we were supposedly married but living like roommates. They wouldn't even have sex with me, go on dates together, or do anything couples do. We shared a living space and that was it. I've spoken more to my mother in a day than we did in a week

I prayed about it. I prayed if I should stay but I didn't really get an answer there. Just frustration every time I tried to talk about it. I asked about marriage counseling which was also one of those non answers. Finally, I asked about leaving the relationship and the answer I got was a yes. It was a confusing answer but I trusted it and when my asthma attack happened, I suddenly understood why

Their apathy towards our marriage, towards me, had grown to the point that it didn't even matter that my life was at risk. I could have died and they would have been unaffected. After confirming my safety, they went about their day as if it were business as usual. Meanwhile, my wife refused to leave my side and went so far as to wait outside the bathroom when I had to pee. The only reason anything changed was my husband stood up for me to their husband over the issue

So I left. I left and I'm never taking them back. There is no way any kind of healthy relationship can be salvaged or rebuilt after something like that. I deserve better than to be treated the way I was and then to have someone I loved not care if I lived or died? How could I ever trust them after that?

It wasn't like I didn't try to communicate either. I have no ability for tact or subtlety whatsoever and I'm straightforward and blunt about my thoughts and feelings. I did everything in my power to communicate things were wrong and I was looking for how to fix it. But they weren't interested in putting in the effort required and expected me to carry our marriage completely alone. They didn't even know something was wrong until yesterday after I'd tried for months to get them to listen to me. Then, they had no idea how they'd upset me or that I wanted nothing to do with them. They were completely blindsided

That's not my fault considering I tried everything. I also wasn't going to grab them by the nose and lead them to therapy or marriage counseling because we all have to make our own choices. They made theirs. Alcohol and apathy were more important than keeping our marriage healthy and alive and now they have to face the consequences ie a divorce. And they will never have another opportunity to have me in their life because I deserve better and I refuse to invite a previous abuser into any aspect of my future

So, my best life doesn't have them in it. That sucks but it is what it is. I still have a very lovely husband and a very lovely wife who both love and support me and would never hurt me. My wife saved my life during my asthma attack when my ex was busy worried about other things. I'm glad for the two of them and all the love and support they give me. Being with them reminds me of what marriage is supposed to be like and is such a stark contrast to what life was like with my ex

Here's to my new life! Here's to never looking back! Here's to a happy future without abuse, free of a loveless, toxic, hateful marriage! Here's to me! Even if the little details are stressful like having mice, it's a hell of a lot better than the misery my life had become!

L'chaim!

[eldermillarmissionblog]

Oh so good!

¡Hola a todos! ¡Espero que ustedes estén bien! Discúlpenme que he estado escribiendo correos electrónicos cortos. ¡Voy a hacer mejor con eso!

First off, just wanted to thank you all for the birthday wishes. It was a blessing to receive so many emails, letters, and messages. Y'all are amazing and I greatly appreciate it. It was a wonderful birthday serving the Lord and His children. We did two service projects, had multiple lessons, and multiple meetings with ward council members. It was a tiring day, but oh so good! 

This week has been a lot better than last week! We had Zone Conference and it was amazing. It is always great to hear counsel from President and Sister Smith and interact with other missionaries. I feel uplifted and ready to KILL it in these two areas.

We are seeing progress with a few of our new friends in Camelview, specifically with our friend, Beto. He was a self-referral wanting to learn more about the Bible and how to communicate with God. We have had numerous calls with him, two of which we shared the first and second half of the Restoration lesson. When we asked him what he felt while hearing about the First Vision, he said enthusiastically: "I believe it!" We had him download the Book of Mormon app and he says he has been reading a few verses every night. We are excited to watch his faith grow and continue to see the Holy Ghost soften his heart toward the message of the Restored Gospel. :)

Spiritual thought

This spiritual thought is actually going to come in the form of an invitation that I feel prompted to share. If you would, please read Moroni 10:3-5 and follow the promise of Moroni to pray about the Book of Mormon. I may have already invited y'all to do this, and many of you may have already prayed and had confirmation of the reality of the Book of Mormon, but brothers and sisters, a firm knowledge of the Book of Mormon will get you through any trial. I invite you, whether you already have a testimony of its truthfulness, to read and pray about it. You will receive an answer and it will be a blessing beyond description in your lives! :)

Love y'all! You are all amazing!

Elder Millar

Photos: companion, roommates, and district

[theblondeintheoffice]

October 2020 Reading Wrap Up

If you’d like to visit the actual blog, here’s the link: http://theblondeintheoffice.com/2020/12/05/october-2020-wrap-up/

If you’d rather stay on Tumblr, I totally get that, too. Here’s the post:

Another month in the books, and we are well on our way to longer nights and cooler days. Here in Florida, it'll still be in the 80's well into December. I can't remember a holiday season in at least a decade where we haven't had the air conditioning on full blast. I've always wanted to wear one of those cute Snow Princess costumes - the cute velvet ones with the faux fur collars and cuffs - for Halloween, but it's just never been in the cards here.

In October, I didn't have a set TBR. My goal was to make up for my lack of spooky books in September. I really wanted to get into the Halloween spirit with some ghost stories or a creepy murder mystery. But not too scary because I'm the worlds biggest wuss. I did better - but I didn't quite get there. It wasn't for lack of trying - I went through my whole TBR and scoured Booktube to try to find some creepy-but-not-so-scary-I-wouldn't-sleep books. They just don't exist! I don't like scary. I don't like being scared. And you know what - there's nothing wrong with that.

So I'm sure by now you're ready to know what I actually did read. Well, without further ado . . . and remember that if you use the link in the paragraph, I get a few cents from your purchase through the Amazon affiliate program to help keep the blog going.

The first book I chose this month was The Haunting of H.G. Wells by Robert Masello. H.G. Wells, for anyone who doesn't know, was a prolific sci-fi writer in the late 19th century. In The Haunting of H.G. Wells, we see H.G. travel to front lines of the war to report and boost public morale. When H.G. gets separated from his unit and ends up in a mustard gas attack, he begins seeing things he can't explain. These apparitions start telling him that the war isn't just being fought on the frontlines - that there is a dangerous and deadly plot afoot in the heart of London. Can H.G. and his companion (yes, that kind) Rebecca West stop this plot?

This was a three star read for me. It's  October appropriate because what's more spooky than ghost soldiers? Besides little kid ghosts . . . eesh. No. The Kindle version comes in at around 393 pages, and it's a fast paced romp through a war torn London in the early 20th century. It draws on well-known myths and lore and uses magical realism and other prominent characters from the time period to weave a tale of intrigue. The main antagonist is written well enough that you are honestly scared of him in a few scenes. The rest of the characters are a bit of a wash. Masello was definitely focused on making the book about H.G. Wells, and darn the fact that he has to write all these other characters, too.

Pick up your copy [ here ]

The second book I read in October was Ninth House by Leigh Bardugo. Leigh Bardugo is better known for her Grisha series, which I haven't read yet. Ninth House is not part of this series. It looks like it might be part of its own series and I am HERE FOR THIS.

Ninth House tells the story of Alex Stern, a girl with a tragic past and a dark secret who is recruited to attend Yale by the Dean of the college after she survives a gruesome attack on her and her roommates. The college has nine houses. Eight are devoted to magick and the mystical arts. The ninth, called Lethe, is devoted to policing the other eight houses and making sure that they don't let anything out - or in. Alex is especially suited to this task because ever since she was a little girl, she's been able to see ghosts. When her trainer goes missing and a townie gets murdered on campus, she has to rely on this gift to solve both crimes, against the advice of Lethe house and in a wild race with time and the next moon cycle.

What a perfect book for October - a murder mystery about Yale in the fall! I was going to rate this one three stars - I was entertained but the story wasn't exactly life changing. In 476 Kindle pages, it didn't break my heart or leave me crying in my kitchen floor. The more I thought about it, though, the more I realized it deserves four stars. It's an original story, Alex was relatable to me (she's not to a lot of people but we aren't going to have that conversation today), and I couldn't put it down. I spent 2 hours sitting on a freezing cold beach with a biting wind blowing because I didn't want to put the book down to pack up and go back to the Airbnb. The ending wasn't exactly happy and there was no stupid romance shoved into the story just to be there. Are some things a stretch? Yes. I'm not saying it's a perfect story but I had so much fun reading it! If there is more to the Alex Stern series, I'll probably buy the ebook the day it comes out.

Grab your copy [ here ]

After reading Ninth House, I needed something a little lighter. The Wicked Deep by Shea Ernshaw fit the bill. This was a total cover buy for me. I found it at one of my local used book stores. The wording and design on the cover are iridescent and it was sitting on its shelf shimmering when I decided it needed to come home with me.

The Wicked Deep tells the story of Sparrow, Oregon where three sisters were drowned as witches in the harbor of the little town. Ever since, for a short time each summer they return and steal the bodies of three girls with the aim of luring at least three more boys to their death in the deep, cold water. Penny Talbot has lived in Sparrow all her life and has watched the cycle play out for as long as she can remember. This year, Penny has something to lose. A new boy has just driven into town, and he has no idea what he just walked into.

This was another three star for me, albeit a low three. It was wonderfully YA tropey and was such a perfect read for October, even though it's set in summer. It was a quick, light read coming in at 320 Kindle pages. The author really made you feel for the sisters. To be murdered so violently for a crime they didn't even commit - well, I would absolutely come back and wreak havoc if I could. The ending left a lot to be desired, though, and the twist in the middle was so halfhearted that when it was revealed I just shrugged and kept reading. Overall, it's an easy read if you need a palate cleaner between heavy books and you don't feel like reading Harry Potter again.

Pick up your copy [ here ]

My closer for October is a book that you have no doubt seen on many a BookTube, Bookstagram, Bookblr, and book blog. It's majorly hyped for being a story of a black witch in a Salem-esque town with a religious hierarchy that recalls tales of Mormon polygamy and cult like devotion. It was also supposed to be scary as hell. What better book to read to close out October and celebrate Halloween with?!

The Year of the Witching by Alexis Henderson is about an orphan girl named Immanuelle who lives with her grandparents and cousins in a town called Bethel. After the tragic deaths of her mother and father before she was born, Immanuelle tries hard - very hard - to follow the teachings of the church and to worship the Father. Inside, though, Immanuelle knows that she's different. For starters, she can hear the Darkwood that surrounds Bethel calling her by name and beckoning her inside, which is strictly forbidden by the church. One night on her way home from the market, her ram runs into the forest. Immanuelle has no choice but to follow. In doing so, she starts a chain events that will change the town - and her - forever.

I really wanted to love this book. I wanted it to be a five star read. Witches and religous cults and a creepy forest - it's the perfect recipe to give you chills and enrage you all at the same time. That's not what I got from this one. It was a great concept - a young black witch going to war with a religious sect. I even got excited again writing the blurb up there! The writing fell flat for me. Immanuelle was a great character. Her pain, her conflict, her ostracization just for looking different made her complex and beautiful. The story didn't do her justice.

Ultimately, I gave this one three stars. I finished, I was entertained, and towards the end of the book I didn't want to put it down. According to Goodreads, I devoured all 363 Kindle pages in 4 days. Read it - really, I insist.

Buy it [ here ] 

So to recap, I ended up with a historical fiction ghost story, an Ivy league murder mystery, a revenge story including possession, and a historical fiction about a witch. That is as scary as I would like to read, thankyouverymuch!

What did you read in October or how did you celebrate Halloween with social distancing?

[prankprincess123]

Funny Story Time!

My cousin is in Africa (Zambia specifically) on a church mission, and this week he and his roommates (his companion and another companionship) got a letter from a crazy guy.

I'm not exagerating, this guy is absolutely insane and his whole letter was detailing a plan to take control of the world's governments, with this crazy guy as the undisputed dictator, the pope as 2nd in command and Obama as 3rd. And these three would replace the U.N. and get rid of all existing religions, countries and forms of government, with no one else in the world having any form of authority or power. The letter ended with his phone number and a request that these 4 Mormon missionaries donate the $100 needed to take over the U.N. and wipe out all non Catholic religions.

In response my cousin called him and explained hundreds of reasons that plan wouldn't work, told him the actual minimum cost the two of us have calculated would be necessary to take over the world, and informed him that he's not only heard better plans from 6yo kids, but come up with better plans as a 5yo. Now the other missionaries are scared of him, especially after explaining that these world takeover plots aren't anything serious, just something the two of us do for fun.

[appleflavoredkitkats]

McPriceley Fanfiction Recommendations

McPriceley fanfiction that I absolutely adore~! Not mine.

McPriceley Fanfiction Recommendations

1. Turn It Off ""Where's your 'nifty, little Mormon trick,' now? What good is it if you can't use it when you need it most?""

2. Little Syncopations "Five times Elder Price made matters terribly frustrating for Elder McKinley...well, sort of."

3. The Size of Orlando, Florida "“What are you keeping from me?” Elder McKinley asks. “I’m supposed to be your district leader, Ke- Elder, and I have to say you’re making it darn near impossible. I try to ask how you’re doing, I try to show you I’m there for you, I try to make sure you feel valued and supported by m- us, and you just… run away! Every single time, Elder! I’ve had enough of it! I will not let you leave this room until you feel cared for.”

Kevin Price has everything under control... except for his inappropriate reaction to his district leader."

4. just not telling the whole truth  "That’s why Elder Price is safe to like, is safe to dote over, is safe to fantasize about, because he can learn to feel more comfortable with his – with his alternate thoughts, if you will, without any fear of his thoughts being reciprocated. Without his reoccurring fear that any close bond he forms with a man will crumble in on itself due to his own discomfort and self-hatred just like it did with Steve.

He learns that he shouldn't love boys years before he realizes he does, he learns that he doesn't love himself years before he realizes he should, and he learns that he can do both less than one year after he meets Elder Price."

5. Soul - Eater ""Shame is a soul-eating emotion." - Carl Jung"

6. Thanksgiving "The holidays are the worst time to be lonely."

7. 12 Cups of Coffee "Arnold shows up at twelve cups of coffee; Elder McKinley came at six. "

8. Season of Love "Connor hasn't been to church in a very, very long time."

9. Saints of a Different Kind "Elder Price realizes he might have more than platonic feelings for Elder McKinley at a super inconvenient time. Also, he's 100000% straight, so that makes no sense. Ignoring it should work! He will just sit there, consumed with lust for the rest of the evening."

10. Sing For Ourselves Alone "In which Connor is a flirty drunk and Kevin is a dork."

11. Sardines "The Elders of District 9 decide to play a game of Sardines and end up packed into a closet and Kevin can't keep his hands to himself."

12. Of Poptarts and Elephants "In which there is a completely reasonable, heterosexual explanation for why Kevin can't stop thinking about Elder McKinley. Also, the Game of Life is played."

13. Cookies and Confidences "Elder McKinley and Nabulungi talk about their boy problems."

14. As It Is "In a world where people’s first touches leave a spot of color on each others' skin, some more vivid than other, Kevin has never given much thought to how and when he will receive his actual soulmate mark."

15. Rules Are Overrated "Elder McKinley twirls the feather between his fingers which, for some reason, spurs Elder Price into a choking fit. "May I ask what I was doing?"

Elder Price mumbles something that sounds suspiciously like, "More like who," but he's still coughing a little and Elder McKinley can't be sure that he heard correctly.

(In which Elder McKinley finally finds out that he was in Elder Price's hell dream)."

16. Of Coffee and Kisses "Elder Price couldn't sleep that night. Turns out, he wasn't the only one."

17. A Minor Crisis "It was Elder McKinley's birthday, and they did not have a cake."

18. miserably, honestly, imperceptively "“Does he make your heart kind of flutter?” Arnold asked one day.

Kevin felt like he couldn’t breathe as he choked out, “Yes.”

“Does he make your eyes sort of blur?” Nabulungi asked, on his other side.

Kevin closed them and said, “Oh no.”"

19. Have You Tried Turning It Off and On Again? "It isn’t long after Elder Price and Elder Cunningham appear in Uganda that Connor McKinley realizes that Turning It Off is going to be a lot harder than it used to be."

20. 5 Times Elders Price and McKinley Accidentally Flirted With Each Other And One Time They Did It On Purpose "While Elder Price and Elder McKinley are both talented at many things, neither of them are adapt at flirting, especially not with each other."

21. Maybe  "Caught in a violent storm during a shopping trip in town, Elder McKinley and Elder Price are forced to check in to a hotel overnight."

22. Graceful "Connor McKinley never really considered himself exceptionally graceful, but years of dance lessons had left a mark. A great sense of balance, good posture, quick reflexes – Connor didn't realize how much he took it all for granted until the day Kevin Price walked into the mission hut and turned him into a clumsy oaf."

23. Shifting Priorities "The Hell dreams have been getting worse. Ever since Kevin Price strode into Connor's life, they've been getting worse, so bad that he resolves that the only solution is to stop sleeping.

It's a temporary solution. Connor knew it wouldn't last forever. He didn't think, however, that Kevin would be by Connor's side when he awoke from the Hell dream, didn't think Kevin would care so much when he woke up screaming, or wonder why he was still crying.

He didn't think anyone would care at all. He's not sure he understands it."

24. Telephone Wire  "Your run-of-the-mill Mcpriceley: Connor has some serious self-esteem issues, Hell dreams, romantic talks by a lake in the fine Ugandan wilderness..."

25. Right. Anyway. Off ""five times McKinley says he doesn't love Kevin, and the one time he admits it.""

26. The District Leader is Short  "Being short wasn't so bad for Connor McKinley. It meant he was always in the front for dance recitals and never had to worry about ducking his head. The only downside to being as tall as of a middle schooler was having to look up to Elder Price, which really wasn't all that much of a downside.

(Basically, Connor needs someone who can reach all the tall things and Kevin accidentally gets the job.)"

27. The Pros and Cons of Breathing ""It wasn't until the third night he refused kitchen duty that they started to worry.""

28. Oh...  "In which Connor has a HUGE crush on Kevin and Kevin likes him back, but Kevin himself is the last person in Uganda to realize."

29. Loathing Self - Assassination "No one is going to worry about him. As much as it hurts, he knows that he doesn't deserve to be worried about. He doesn't deserve to be spoiled and pampered with attention. But that doesn't stop him from thinking about it miserably sometimes. Oh, how nice it would be to have someone dote on him. Comfort him. Love him. But who could ever love pathetic Connor McKinley?

Sometimes, on those self-indulgent nights, he thinks that someone is Kevin Price."

30. Seven Boxes  "“i did that annoying thing where i put loads of smaller boxes inside one big box and you’re getting really mad but you don’t know that the ring is in the smallest box and i can’t wait to see your face”"

31. You're a Good Mormon, Elder Price "The missionaries are assigned new companions for the next three months, and Elder Price’s new roommate brings out things in himself he never thought he was capable of."

32. Want To Talk About It? "Kevin can't sleep, it's Connor's fault."

33. Three  "Three years, three Valentine's Days. (Third time's a charm.)"

34. Dead Guy Walking  "Heathers the Musical Dead Girl Walking!AU

What it says on the tin. With the District 9 Uganda Mission shut down and the weight of disappointment from the Church and his family riding on his shoulders, Connor decides that Heaven Father can forgive him for one more sin."

35. Nocturne  "Kevin is sick; Connor cares for him. The subconscious is a strange thing. Price/McKinley, indulgent sick!fic."

36. Cockblocked "Elders Price and McKinley have been hitting it off recently and all they want is a moment alone, but their 'prophet' has other ideas."

37. Rivers Run  "Former Elder McKinley hadn’t know what to expect when he heard that Kevin Price had been in an accident."

38. So Close  ""A drabble about a time McKinley wishes he was dead""

[emberalis]

Life Update

It’s hard to be spiritual when everything’s going a mile a minute. 

I literally spent the last two days cooped up in my room talking to no one because of how EXHAUSTED I was from talking to strangers every single day last week. I’m also sick, which I think my immune system did on purpose because it was like “well, if you’re not going to spend some time by yourself, we’ll just force you too”. 

It’s been pretty nice, though. Spiritually, I’m kind of in a lull (though when I’m sick I tend to astral travel before falling asleep). I visited my guide for a little bit and ran through a forest and jumped in a pond. Other than that, I don’t remember much. 

I’ve been taking walks on GV’s campus and searching for spirits. I keep thinking there’s this enormous spirit guarding the Ravines and woods surrounding campus. It wouldn’t surprise me if there was.

On another note of witchy campus shenanigans, we have this awesome Prayer and Meditation Room. I usually go in there to decompress (which I did after a particularly draining Sorority Recruitment event (if you want to hear more about THAT process just ask--I’ve got a couple stories...)). The energy is always so calming...

Except for that day. Something shifted in the air--I stepped in and immediately felt this heavy, ominous presence. I tried to walk in and lay down and meditate, but I was getting this intense “GTFO” vibe and I literally started to get scared. So I left and had members of the witch club check it out with me on Friday, and we all felt the same thing. Soooo in essence, someone fucked with the Prayer and Meditation Room that’s supposed to be a calm, relaxing space for everyone (so I’m pretty aggravated). 

I’ve talked to my companions sometimes. I just never know if I’m making it up or if its real!! Especially with the shy, guarded one. I know eventually things will come a lot easier but it’s difficult starting out. 

Eventually I’ll make a post with “Dorm Room Witch” tips because I’ve learned a lot about being a witch in a cramped dorm room with a perfect stranger of a roommate. (Though I’m afraid my wards are kind of kicking her out... whoops). 

I also turned 19 so I can officially sing “You and Me (But Mostly Me)” from Book of Mormon and “My Shot” from Hamilton. And I went to a gay club. 

Gods, I love college. 

-Llama