#RIP lily you would have loved growing old and going book club with the girls

[phoebebuggers]

i turn 18 the same day lily evans would have turned 65

[spiltscribbles]

How would you do a wolfstar fic based on the way I loved you by taylor swift? from remus' pov :)

~Notes: OMFG Nonny! I need you to understand that this ask threw me back to my Twilight days when I’d watch endless edits of Bella/Edward and this particular one with this song where for some reason Edward was both guys lksajghdsfjoieagh God what a time😂 So thank you and here’s a HC of how’d I write it becs I sorta hate all my writing rn rip fklsdghasdgh But JFC it got so fucking long!!! I’M SO SORRY!

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So It would be a muggle AU, non linear sort of thing where you’d see Lily and Remus just hanging out in his house on boxing day of their sixth year. And they’re shuffling through photos of themselves and friends at  Hogwarts. And Remus kind of just stops at this one, particular photo from second semester of last year, when he and Sirius were still going out.

James and Lily are in the background smiling straight on the camera, but the focus is mostly where Remus and Sirius are completely oblivious to the photo, and it’s obvious that Sirius is trying to drag him onto his lap, and Remus’s head is thrown back in laughter, and Sirius is looking at him in that grossly besotted way that softens his gorgeously angular features, and it’s just an absolute deluge of emotions for Remus.

So flashback

They first met when the marauders were auspiciously roomed together as young lads in Hogwarts, and Remus grew up in a quiet coastal town in the north of Wales where everyone knew everyone, and English was actually the second language, and to put it simply, being thrown into that space with the chaotic duo that are James and Sirius was a culture shock. Even Peter— who’s plummy and  who comes from a fine, upper middle class family and is at least familiar with them in the way that the patrician always are aware of one another. So Remus automatically felt like the odd boy out.

But that night, when he wakes up because he misses his Mam and Da, he finds the tallest boy— the one with striking pale eyes and an air of superiority that kind of got on Remus’s nerves, sitting on the windowsill and up at the stars— his namesake in particular. And so Remus joins him and tells him the love story of the moon and the sun that was his Mam’s favorite and it’s the first time they feel something neither of them know the name for quite yet.

Throughout the subsequent years the marauders grow as close as family, a brotherhood of sorts.  But they all know there are different manifestations of friendships within them. There’s Sirius and James who are the boisterous, bombastic ones that always seek the spotlight, and who can finish each others sentences and who cheer one each other along when it comes to their rowdiest of pranks. There’s Peter who’s always been intimidated by Sirius, and thankful for James’s friendship and comfortable with Remus because he’s the only one who never teased him. Then there’s James and Remus where they’ve always been impressed by one another, James because he knows Remus comes from humble beginnings and is bright in the way he works for everything he has and it’s never doubted he deserves it. And Remus is impressed over how much and how deeply James loves and cares about his chosen people, how he can inspire a crowd so effortlessly. But then, probably most peculiarly to Remus is his relationship with Sirius.

He doesn’t mean to sound rude or ungrateful, but his string to Sirius is  a relationship that absolutely eclipses all the others. It’s quiet in it’s intensity, but persistent like a heartbeat. It’s nights they spend trading stories by moonlight, and afternoons quizzing each other by the fire even though Sirius has always been naturally brilliant and Remus knows he’s just humoring him, but doesn’t call him on it because he hates the thought of it ending. It’s also evenings when James is at extra footie practice that Sirius teases him for, and Peter’s at chess club, and it’s just the pair of them, existing in each others space, doing whatever they want because it’s enough just to have the other there.

Remus is confused in third year when Sirius got especially pissy because Remus began hanging out more and more with the girl James has always targeted to being a know-it-all. And Remus was cross right back because they don’t even know Lily, and she’s a nice girl, and the only other Northerner like him in their entire year, and Sirius has no reason to be cross at him making a friend outside the marauders.

But then he got even MORE confused when Sirius asked him if he liked her. And Remus literally laughed out loud, which made Sirius scrunch his face sourly which just looked funny because his features are far too gorgeous to be put in such a nasty expression. And it’s nearly five minutes later when he catches his breath and tells Sirius that he and Lily are just friends and only friends. Comparing her to a sister, which became truth in the following years.

And it’s like a snap of the fingers when Sirius immediately smoothes out his face and grins cockily once more, and makes Remus promise that they don’t date any girls unless the others all approve. And Remus isn’t sure why Sirius’s intense focus on his love life makes something peculiar unfurl in his gut but he ignores it and shakes Sirius’s still too large hand— like a puppy needing to grow into his palms. And then they write up a contract and make James and Peter sign along with them in the codenames they came up with last year. Prongs for James because his hair is something gravity defying, Wormtail for Peter because of his pet rat, Padfoot for Sirius because of him asking sodding Minerva McGonagall— their head of house— if she was on her time of the month— as a first year when she gave him and James three weeks detention for a crude prank. And Moony for Remus who constantly got lost in his books and in his daydreams that it takes the others multiple times calling his name for him to be brought back to earth.

Remus kept the contract in his lovage, but never bothered to pull it out fourth year when Sirius suddenly became very, very aware of his good looks, and high social standing, and how any girl attracted to men would chew off her own leg to get a date with him— well save for the possibly only exception that is Lily Evans. And Remus had to just deal with it, and he did. He didn’t know why Sirius and his frequent, but short lasting flings got under his skin so thoroughly. It’s not like he’s annoyed over Peter and his girlfriend Eloise or how James is still going out with a couple different girls even though he’s near constantly flirting with Lily. And it’s not like the ones Sirius decides to go out with are annoying or anything. He really likes most of them. Like Marlene is absolutely hilarious, and Maci has the same world history class with Remus so they studied together a lot. And the rest have perfectly fine attitudes. It’s just— It’s just Sirius begins sleeping more often through the night instead of swapping stories with Remus, and isn’t readily available for whenever Remus needs to take a walk in the woods because he’s becoming full of anxiety over just about everything, and it’s just— He just misses Sirius a lot.

And Remus thinks he’s an idiot because why the fuck does he feel so territorial towards one of his best friends? Why doesn’t he act this way towards James or Peter or even Lily. He doesn’t ever feel this ridiculous, clawing emotion. Something he only calls by name, jealousy, when it’s late and quiet and he’s all alone. And Remus panics because he has no idea what this means, what or why he feels this way. Because he’s not a poof?? Is he? It’s not like he’s ever been especially interested in girls or their knickers, and if the other fifteen year old boys around him is anything to go by, that’s odd. But it’s not as if he’s especially interested in any other blokes either— anyone besides Sirius. Sirius and his artfully tousled black hair that tumbles down the nape of his neck and just a couple inches above his shoulders. and his piercing eyes that always seem as if they can look right into Remus’s soul and sift through all his points of diffidence. Sirius who’s always been there for Remus in ways Remus never even expected, even knew how to ask for. The boy who brings him hot chocolate on days his migraines are especially awful, and who always begs the Matron to stay over on the nights Remus is just forced to stay in the hospital wing when he has a flare up, and who always knows to ask the caretaker for a spare blanket at the start of every term because he knows Remus is always cold but would never dare ask himself. And God, just why does it have to be Sirius!

Strangely enough, it’s Sirius who answers the question in a non direct sort of way at the end of their fourth year when Remus asks him why he broke up with Isidora so publicly and a bit callously while they’re sitting on the balcony of the astronomy tower, trading their flask of gin that Sirius snuck away from his parent’s house over easter, staring down at the grounds and the lake and it’s a beautiful night, and Remus only sorta feels it how his heart twists while Sirius sits so close. And once the question spills out his lips, Sirius peers down at him in a very subdued, very weighty sort of way and he simply says, “she’s not you Moons.”

And it’s like Remus’s heart just freezes, refuses to continue beating with the shock, with the somber words spoken without an ounce of humor. And part of him is just waiting for the joke, for the other shoe to drop. He’s just  waiting for the overdone hand to his chest, and lips pretending to pucker for a smooch. He’s waiting for the ground to return but Sirius doesn’t move, and maybe this means that this is real, that it isn’t just in Remus’s head. so all he says is a simple, “oh” and the next thing he knows is that Sirius kisses him right then and there, and it’s beginning to shower from above,  and the kiss is a bit hard for his liking— more teeth than lips and a tongue that slips in with fervor— but Remus wouldn’t stop it for all the money in the world. Wouldn’t ever let go of his grip on Sirius’s broad shoulders, or move away from where Sirius’s arms are snaking around his narrow waste. Would pay anything just to constantly feel the weight of Sirius over him like this for forever.

He doesn’t know for how long they lied their in the pouring rain, just exchanging slow, lingering snogs, and tender touches that feel like a thousand flames. But Remus probably should’ve expected that the next morning, while they’re all preparing to board the train, Sirius doesn’t catch his eye or ever really speak to him. And that’s fine. Remus has been questioning his sexuality for a while now. Maybe Sirius is just confused or just nervous because they’ve been friends for so long. So he doesn’t mind. Ends up splitting his time on the train with the boys and with Lily and it’s all alright. When he gets home, he types Sirius a letter explaining to him that it’s fine, that they can take things slow, that they don’t have to call it anything yet, and he toys with that patch on his neck that’s still purple from Sirius’s mouth and he’s actually elated with the idea of it.

Sirius doesn’t answer the email

And he doesn’t answer the one after that either, or the ones that follow. And Remus eventually takes the hint when he gets a email from Peter who’s holidaying in France and asks Remus how hard he laughed from Sirius’s story about how he nearly pulled the mum of the latest London bird he’s shagging that he wrote them about. And Remus is equal parts embarrassed and self rebuking. Because he’s such an idiot, Sirius was probably annoyed from his constant emails like he’s some jilted ex lover, like the girls he pulls along. And Remus is really a fucking idiot. So he rings Lily and they meet at a pub that’s equidistant from both of them, and he didn’t have to tell her what happened because she’s really just a genius, so they drink the night away and he swears off love and she swears to kick James in the Bollocks at least once this year, and it’s the first time all summer Remus laughed.

By the time they got to fifth year, Remus had ranted enough to Lily that he was over it— well erm, mostly at least. It still hurt like nothing else when he first spotted Sirius on the train, looking taller and leaner and tanner and just sexier as all get out. ANd it makes something ugly twist in his gut, laughing at himself over thinking  that a practical demigod would be interested in someone who prefers books to most people and who has to wear charity shop clothes when he’s not in his school uniform and just— He’s an idiot. So when Sirius steps into the cart with Remus, James and Peter, and his look of contrition tosses to Remus  a beat passes. And  it’s quickly willed away when Remus just smiles warmly, tries to silently tell him not to worry about it, and asks out loud if he’d like a chocolate frog.

And it’s normal, it’s fine, the first weeks of term are typical as ever for the boys. They commit pranks on the creepy wankers like Snape and Avery. And they laugh at James’s latest failed attempt to woo Lily. And they spend all nighters in the library and celebrate with pickup games of footie. And it’s pretty bloody brilliant, but then Sirius’s birthday hits, and they plan a surprise for him on the astronomy tower in the middle of the night, filled with food and drinks  and friends. ANd Remus gets the key as prefect, and Peter sneaks in the booze with his free afternoon off and James make sure that everyone they like is there to celebrate the greatest git they all know. And Sirius is so, so happy when he sees it. Wich of course he is, Remus knows how difficult his parents are, how lonely he can get over the breaks without the lads. So he’s so, so happy to see that look of mirth twinkling in Sirius’s pale eyes, and he does everything he can to make it so Sirius is laughing all night long.

But towards the end, no matter how much he wants to make it the best night for Sirius, he just has to get away from the sight of Sirius dancing obscenely with Florence Whittemore. Because he doesn’t have to be a damn martyr. 

He goes to a private nook on the rooftop, and pulls out the pre-rolled spliff to light up, only sorta surprised when Sirius makes his way to him— far away from the crowd and away from the music. And he plops down on the step right  under his, obviously loaded and smiling like the sun, crooning “Moony,” over and over again and Remus can only dimple down  indulgently at him, carding his hand through Sirius’s hair gently, spurred on by the drinks and the weed and just by that quiet, unassuming love he has held for him like a torch all these years.

“Did you wear my favorite sweater on purpose?” Sirius asks, a bit slurred, tilting his head so it rests on Remus’s shoulder and he can feel the tendrils of his warm breath brushing against his neck, and Remus suddenly feels like he’s on fire again. 

And he looks down at the green sweater he’s got on, a gift from his Mam for his fifteenth last year and the one that he was wearing the first night Sirius kissed him. So, yeah maybe Remus wore it subconsciously precisely because of that. But he’d never tell him.

And neither of them could say who leaned forward first, but they were kissing again and it still feels like everything splendid and like Remus’s mind is melting right out of his head and it’s so fucking miraculous.

But then they hear a coughing and they spring apart in panic, only to meet Lily’s shrewd, green eyes and she’s glaring at Sirius like she could scorch a whole right through him. And she tells them that there’s a Filch sighting and they need to get to the dorms pronto. 

Sirius scrambles up, looking at them panicky like he doesn’t know what to say, but then Remus tells him to hurry along because he and Lily—as Prefects— are the only ones who won’t get in trouble for being out. And Sirius looks at Remus like there’s a thousand things he’d like to say, but nods soberly and sprints away, and Remus is objected to Lily’s silent, judgmental worrying for their entire track back downstairs.

Remus isn’t surprised when Sirius tells them all that he’s dating Florence now over breakfast, and Peter gazes at him in aw at pulling the fittest girl in their year, and James claps his back hardily and talks about the double dates they can go on now since he’s still dating Jeanette. As if James isn’t glancing back at Lily even as he’s speaking it, and as if Sirius isn’t peering over apologetically to Remus as if there was ever anything between them.

However, what does surprise Remus is when late that night, Sirius pads over to his bed in the middle of the night like they haven’t done since they were both 14, and they’re lying down, not looking at each other before Sirius kisses him again and Remus lets himself enjoy it, let himself melt into him. But then he remembers the pretty blonde girl who he’s actually dating and it hurts like nothing else when he tells him the next night when Sirius makes the same track to his bed that they can’t do anything because they’re going to ruin their friendship and he has a girlfriend and Remus just can’t. So Sirius nods, tells him he’s always been the best of them, and kisses his forehead before returning to his own bed. And Remus silently refutes the comment because he hates not letting himself even get the scraps.

So Sirius dates Florence for the next month or so, and Remus puts up with it because of course he does. Because if it’s Sirius’s friendship or nothing at all, he’d always pick the former. Would always want Sirius to be with him in anyway possible. But then over winter break he officially runaways from his barmy ancestral home and goes off to James’s house in the countryside. And he texts Remus, begging him to come visit for New Year’s Eve. So Remus does, even gets Lily to tag along.

And once they get there, Sirius just smacks a big one on him in front of literally a whole house of people— including James and James’s Parents and all the Potters’ friends— and he tells him that he loves him and that he doesn’t want to pretend they’re only friends anymore, and Remus is blushing and grinning, and he thinks that Sirius is the maddest bloke he knows and he loves him to.

And it’s good between them, it’s remarkable. Sirius is passionate about every aspect in his life so it’s no surprise how remarkable of a boyfriend he is, how his every splendid gesture is large and vivacious and vibrant in ways Remus can’t even describe.

But the thing is that Remus is just simply not like that, has never been loud or commanding a presence. When he’s the leader of something like a prank execution or a school project, he prefers to get input from the others, make them think they did an equal amount of work even if Remus was the one behind it all. He’s always been reserved, quiet. And it’s not that he’s shy, it’s just he doesn’t ever see a reason to make a big show out of everything. And Sirius has known him for over half a decade now, so Remus assumes that he gets it.

But then it’s apparent that sometimes he doesn’t think that Remus loves him as much— which is so bloody bonkers Remus can’t even fathom it. or he thinks that Remus is just going with the motions, dating Sirius just because Sirius asked him too. And that gets Remus mad, absolutely fucking furious. The idea that Sirius can doubt his emotions like that.

“Get your cocky head out your arse and think about how not everyone has to be as ruddy loud as you are.” Remus had yelled one night in the common room in early February when Sirius tried giving him a ridiculous teddy bear holding a heart as if he’s an actual sodding bird and he refused it and Sirius got tetchy. But then Sirius had laughed like the mad man he is and then snogged him within an inch of his life and Remus thinks he got his point across.

Their one, really huge blow out, is on Remus’s birthday when he gets to his birthday dinner with his parents who came up to celebrate. And Sirius was visibly, painfully drunk and he spluttered the whole three hours and Remus was secretly thankful that his parents only thought he was a friend and not his sodding boyfriend and by the time they got to the dorm Remus had shouted, really fucking shouted at him. Had screamed things that he would regret just as soon as they came out. But it was ridiculous and Sirius could be such an arse sometimes. And Sirius had yelled back about how fucking stuffy Remus is about everything and claiming that they didn’t even notice and who the fuck cares. And Remus was shaking so hard, grabbed his pillow and blankets to sleep in the common room instead.

But of course, he knew that Sirius would follow him, that Sirius always prodded whenever Remus wanted to just runaway, that he could never leave well enough alone. And they argue again but it quickly became them rutting up against each other in the middle of the night, atop the sofa where anyone could walk down an catch them an Remus didn’t care, just needed to feel Sirius, feel him all over.

Remus only found out the next day by a red faced and quiet Sirius that he was nervous, that he didn’t mean to get so sloshed but he’s already failed with his parents and he didn’t want Remus’s to know how much of a fucking screw up he is and Remus just kissed him gently and called him an idiot and they never spoke about it again.

A few weeks later, Sirius goes off to holiday with the Potters on the Moroccan coast and Remus was only sorta jealous, but he understood that Sirius has always starved for a family, a real family, and that this is good for him. And the Potters are lovely people, and nearly as wealthy as the Blacks— well erm, as close as can be possible for ordinary folks. And James is Sirius’s brother in all but blood. Of course Sirius wouldn’t want to spend the week in Remus’s sleepy hometown with his bookish father and somewhat smothering Mam. But then he gets a call at two in the morning— so three in the morning by them— and It’s a pissed Sirius screaming into the phone over the music of some club and Remus hears a girl’s voice crowing his name and he hangs up in the middle fo Sirius trying to tell him some story about a boat or llama or what the fuck ever. And then Sirius storms to their shared dormitory when they all got back, yelling at Remus for not answering his calls for the rest of the week, and then Remus screamed back that he didn’t want to keep him from his haram of girls. And Sirius snarled out that he didn’t kiss or even bloody flirt with any of them and that Remus needs to start trusting him or pull that stick out his ass. And Remus was just so taken aback he had no idea what to say, so he just shook his head, discarded words and pounced on him for them to snog instead— James and Peter rolling their eyes as they slowly exited the room.

And there entire relationship is a bit like that, firecrackers that simmer to something tender because their foundation has always been the purest, most important friendship and even though the sex is fucking miraculous and mind-blowing and maddeningly delicious, they’ll always be friends. 

So that’s why Remus gets so angry that Sirius is acting so blasé when Snape finds out about them and threatens to tell the whole school. “It’s not a big deal Moons, practically everyone who isn’t an idiot already knows.”

And Remus swears he saw red, felt his blood pressure pulse. “Well my parents don’t know, and I’d rather be the one to tell them instead of them hearing it from the gossip mill from one of the other students parents!”

And Sirius’s expression got very stoney right then, his shoulders drawn back and brows furrowed. “So what? You’re ashamed that you’re dating a bloke? Or a bloke who’s own parents didn’t want him?”

And Remus is so fucking gobsmacked, so disbelieving that this is still such a point of sensitivity for him. That he still isn’t quite comprehensive just how much and how thoroughly and how desperately Remus loves him, and all that comes out is “You’re a bloody pillock.” And Sirius doesn’t give him enough time to explain himself and before he knows it they’re on the train home and Sirius isn’t even talking to him and he’s home in Wales once more.

He tries messaging Sirius all summer long, tries explaining himself. He even tells his parents that he’s as gay as the day is long, and they were so supportive that it gave him hope. But then Remus goes to Lily’s house one night for a movie, and her phone pins with a snap notification from James, and she tells him to open it for her while she tries pulling out the biscuits from the oven, and Remus Sees a dorky looking James, a London night club’s logo on the bottom of the filter and it’s all innocent until he really looks and he sees Sirius— clear as day, and he’s kissing another bloke. A blonde, good looking bloke that Remus could never be and one that Sirius deserves. And he feels so empty, so exhausted, so tired of it all as he numbly hands it over to a anxious looking Lily.

And Remus decides right then that he and Sirius really need to end this. 

They need to cut all the strings of this ill-fated romance, because they’re both too volatile and too sporadic. They can’t risk their friendship over this. Remus can’t lose Sirius just because Remus never deserved him as a boyfriend.

So when they get back to classes for their sixth year, Remus pretends nothing had ever happened between them.

He acts cordial, and companionable and like the friend he was to Sirius before he let his bloody emotions get in the way. And Sirius is suspicious but cautious and sometimes he looks like he does when he wanted to kiss him, so Remus would have to race off and he’d stay out late as possible in the library so to get back to their room after they’ve all fallen asleep. And he’s thankful he does the one time he finds that Sirius had ended up falling asleep in Remus’s bed while waiting up for him.

On one of those nights out to the library he begins speaking with Ezra.

Ezra is a prefect also, and he’s a year above them in classes so he gladly helps Remus with the questions he has for the course work. He’s extremely handsome, and Remus doesn’t feel so guilty when he recognizes the fact. He’s got brown hair numerous shades darker from Remus’s tawny color, and he’s got very lovely green eyes and he smiles at Remus shyly. So it’s not a surprise when he kisses him softly for the first time in early October, and it’s nice. It’s not fire licking up his insides like Sirius’s kisses are, but it’s sweet. And he’s sweet. 

They go out on casual dates to the city on allotted weekends and they drink coco by the fire. He tells Remus about growing up right outside Edinburgh and Remus tells him about the sea glass his Mam taught him to find by the ocean, and his collection of shells and his favorite peer to watch the sunset and Ezra listens like he is so very interested. And They’re a quiet pair, even the first time he gives Remus a blow job behind the greenhouses. And it’s good, because it’s fucking sex of course its good. But he doesn’t know how to use his tongue like Sirius learned how, or how to squeeze just a bit too tightly around his shaft when he’s lapping the head. But it’s not Ezra’s fault. Sirius and Remus had plenty of practice, the one thing they did more than laugh or argue was fuck. And that’s because it was always fun, always good. They stumbled through it together and learned what they liked and what they didn’t and how amazing it felt whenever they were intwined like that— When Sirius was on top of him, underneath him, deep inside of him and all around him.

But that’s not a fair comparison. Sirius has always excelled in everything, has always been a supernova. And Remus needs to learn how to be his friend again, and stop remembering all those times between the sheets or hidden behind the greenhouses or sometimes even in closets between classes.

And they’re getting there. Sirius has stopped trying to wait up for him, and he laughs at his jokes easily again. He doesn’t touch Remus, not really, not ever. And he looks like a flicker has been blown out behind his disarmingly handsome face, but they’re getting closer.

And Ezra is great, Ezra is so amazing. He’s sweet and he texts Remus a good night and good morning message every day. He walks him to class and they kiss softly goodbye. He buys Remus cherry filled brownies even tho that’s possibly the one type of chocolate he doesn’t like. But he eats them anyways because he knows they’re expensive. And he steadfastly ignores the box of his favorite caramel ones that are left on his bed the morning after Ezra got them for him.

And when Ezra comes over their house for Christmas he’s perfect in front of his parents. He complements the dinner Lyall made and how lovely Hope’s necklace is. And he gets along seamlessly with Lily when they met up nearly every night to go out to the tree in the center of her hometown or ice skating or to take pictures by the lights.

But when he leaves, Remus just feels empty. He stays up all night thinking about it, about why he can’t love Ezra the way he loved— the way he’s always loved and continues to love Sirius. How he will forever love Sirius. And he ends up cursing Sirius’s name a thousand times over throughout  the span of one night.

And it’s back to the start of the story with Remus and Lily lounging in his living room and looking at the photo and Remus feels his eyes watering and Lily kissing his cheek while silently handing him his phone.

They exchange a smile.

And Remus decides he’ll talk to Ezra in person, explain how he’s a great guy and how lucky Remus was to be with him. But now— well now he needs to slide open his phone because he can hardly breathe anymore.

And when he hears Sirius’s familiar, golden baritone answering tentatively, “Hiya Moons.”

And Remus swallows down the emotion in his throat, and he just loves him so much.

“Can you drive up here? Preferably not with the bike.”

“James’s Dad left us his car.” Sirius retorts, and Remus can hear the smile in his voice. “But, are you sure?”

And Remus wants to scream it to the clouds and the ocean and the mountain tops that of course he is, that this— the emotions he has for Sirius, the way he loves him— is the one sure thing in his life.

“I love you Pads.”

A silence beats between them before he hears Sirius answer back, buoyant and vivid and so much him that it aches.

“I love you to Moony. I love you so much.”

[mbtizone]

Nate Heywood (DC's Legends of Tomorrow/Arrowverse): ISFJ

Dominant Introverted Sensing [Si]: The past is important to Nate and he’s built an entire career around it as a historian. He knows facts and details about everything that he can reference at the drop of a hat. Nate’s mind is like a library. He catalogs all of the information he’s ever learned about specific times, events, or people, and can pull it out like a book and recite what he knows. Nate is able to use his knowledge about things that have occurred to utilize in the present. When he goes to Oliver to convince him that reality is being changed and the Legends are in trouble, he comes prepared with a pile of evidence. When Ray tries to warn Eliot Ness that he might be in danger, Ness tells him that he’s already taken care of and leaves with two agents who are supposedly bringing him to the FBI. However, when Nate finds out about this, he tells Ray that the police in Chicago during the 1920s were corrupt and correctly deduces that they aren’t taking him to safety. Nate’s lineage is a big part of who he is. He always enjoyed hearing stories about his grandfather growing up, and wears his dog tags as a way of feeling connected to him. All he ever wanted was to be able to be a soldier like his grandfather and live up to his memory. Nate’s past has lasting impacts on his present. He tells Ray a story about a bully he once stood up to, who then broke Nate’s nose in two places and the experience changes him and effects him all throughout his life, making him afraid to act. Nate becomes a historian because of the effect that Raiders of the Lost Ark had on him.

Auxiliary Extroverted Feeling [Fe]: It’s not difficult for Nate to talk about his feelings. He’s fairly emotionally honest and communicative. He doesn’t mask his fear or the pain he feels. If he’s not alright, he’ll say so instead of keeping it bottled up. He’s warm, charming, and friendly. Joining the Legends is Nate’s chance to actually make a difference and be a hero. He wants to create positive change for the world and loves that he has the opportunity to help. When he gets the chance to meet his grandfather, Nate is visibly upset by his distance. Although he just met Masako, he’s unable to leave Japan after hearing that she is supposed to marry someone who kills his wives and stays in order to protect her from him, putting his own life at risk to do so. He’s good at sensing potential in other people, such as when he suggests that Masako should become her village’s protector because of the way she stood up to the Shogun. Nate is affectionate, celebratory, and readily praises others when they accomplish a task or do something well, such as requesting a hug from Sara after she steals from Damien Darhk or complimenting Ray’s inspirational speech. He enjoys relating to people and engaging with them and likes being part of a team working towards a common goal.

Tertiary Introverted Thinking [Ti]: All of the information that Nate acquires allows him to come up with solutions based on what he knows. He’s good at using his intellect to come up with what their adversaries might be planning and coming up with a logical countermeasure. What he knows about timequakes leads him to come up with a method of fixing aberrations before they actually have a chance to start wreaking havoc. Nate creates the seismographic, which improves the team’s ability to do their job. Nate is good at isolating the most efficient way to get something done. He’s good at explaining complex situations in a clear way that somebody with little to no prior knowledge would be capable of following. When the Legends go to Chicago, he’s able to deduce that someone might have warned Al Capone that Eliot Ness was a threat to him in the future. He likes to come up with names for things and gets excited when the people around him come up with a new one. Nate is the one who first refers to Malcolm Merlyn, Eobard Thawne, and Damien Darhk as the “Legion of Doom.”

Inferior Extroverted Intuition [Ne]: Nate prefers to go to the past because he knows what to expect. The future gives him anxiety because it’s uncertain and anything could happen there. He likes what he can predict and is comfortable with things that he already has an awareness of. Despite his uneasiness when it comes to the unpredictable, Nate is quite good at seeing connections and possibilities, and is very open-minded. Nate enjoys theorizing, though his hypotheses are typically grounded in reality and utilize prior knowledge and facts. Nate does have a bit of a thirst for adventure and enjoys trying new things. He doesn’t want to always be the one doing the research because he likes to engage. He knew that Oliver was the Arrow because he resurfaced right before Starling City’s vigilante emerged. He was also able to see that reality was changing, which lead him to use his vast stores of knowledge to track down the Waverider and save the Legends. After turning into Steel, he is excited about his superpowers, especially because of the way it bonds him with his grandfather, who had always been his idol.

Note: Nate is far from a stereotypical ISFJ. It’s tempting to type him as some sort of NP because he does have a pretty good handle on his Ne. However, his preference for Si is too pronounced for him to not be a Si-dom.

Enneagram: 6w7 2w3 9w1 So/Sx

Quotes:

Sara Lance: Lily’s algorithm located a piece of the Spear of Destiny. Ray Palmer: When? I I mean, I know just now, but where are we headed? Gideon: Detroit. The year 3000 AD. Dr. Martin Stein: A journey into the distant future. How exciting. Nate Heywood: Speak for yourself. Jefferson Jackson: Come on, man. Who doesn’t like the future? Nate Heywood: I like history. Yeah, I know it’s filled with terror and violence, but the future just… Dr. Martin Stein: It’s uncertain. Nate Heywood: Yeah. And it freaks me out a little.

Nate Heywood: I’m a historian. I specialize in deductive historical reconstruction. In layman’s terms, I’m a time detective, which I really don’t have to be to look at a calendar to see one week after you came to this city, Robin Hood showed up.

Nate Heywood: What just happened? Ray Palmer: Well, it’s the strangest thing. Uh, two cops just escorted Eliot Ness to the bureau. Nate Heywood: They’re not escorting him to the bureau. They’re gonna throw him in the river. Ray Palmer: What? Nate Heywood: Ray, 1920s Chicago PD was the most corrupt police force in history. Almost all of them are on Capone’s payroll. Did you or did you not see The Untouchables?

Nate Heywood: You think I don’t want to save the girl, spare the village, and be a hero for once in my damn life? I spent half of my childhood in a hospital, where it didn’t even occur to me to dream about having superpowers. But guess what? I got them, I lost them, and now I really really need them and I can’t get them back.

Sara Lance: Nate, let’s go. Nate Heywood: I can’t. We can’t leave. Masako’s supposed to marry the Shogun Tokugawa lemitsu. Sara Lance: Yeah, met him. Not a fan. Nate Heywood: Well, the reason he sticks out in the history books is because he likes to murder his wives, and I can’t leave Masako to his mercy.

Nate Heywood: Hmm. It said that temporal aberrations cause these things called timequakes. So I started thinking, if there was a way of locating their epicenters, maybe we’ll be able to fix the aberrations before they happen.

Nate Heywood: My dad used to tell me bedtime stories about you. You’re a hero to me.

Nate Heywood: All I ever wanted to be was a soldier like you.

Nate Heywood: Guys, bottom line is, if the Shogun has the ATOM suit, it’s not just Masako and the village we have to protect. He can use it to conquer the whole region.

Nate Heywood: I’m gonna die. Masako: Yeah, probably. Nate Heywood: That was actually your cue to cheer me up. Masako: Oh, if you accept death you have nothing to fear. Nate Heywood: I’m more afraid of what’s gonna happen to you if I die.

Masako: I’m glad the katana sword found a worthy owner. Nate Heywood: Me too. You. Don’t think I didn’t see how you stood up to the Shogun. Even though he’s gone, your village still needs a protector.

Nate Heywood: When I was a kid, there was this bully, Shane Blocklin. And one day, I decided, “I’m gonna stand up to old Shane”. Long story short, he breaks my nose in two places. But from that point on, I was, uh… I was different. I was afraid. And then I meet you guys, and I get these superpowers. And I said to myself, “Nate, you don’t have to feel afraid again”. Ray Palmer: Well, maybe now you know how I felt after you destroyed my ATOM suit. When we were out fighting with the Shogun, without my suit, I was afraid. Nate Heywood: Well, you hid it well. Ray Palmer: That’s because I realized that weakness, or not being invulnerable, is what makes me a hero. There’s no bravery without fear. Nate Heywood: That was a really good inspirational speech. Ray Palmer: Really? Nate Heywood: Yeah.

Nate Heywood: So the speedster and Darhk, they have whatever the KGB gave Darhk? Sara Lance: Unless… Nate Heywood: Unless? Sara Lance: I swiped it off Darhk. Nate Heywood: Shut up. Can I hug you? Do we hug? Sara Lance: Just this once. Nate Heywood: There’s gonna be more.

Sara Lance: What’s the plan? Nate Heywood: Okay. So if Capone’s ledger is anywhere, it’s probably at his primary speakeasy, the Chelsea Club, so Ray and I will go to the Bureau, assemble Ness’s team, lead him to bust the place up, grab the ledger.

Nate Heywood: This is crazier than any of my crazy theories. You’re trying tell me a group called “The Legion of Doom” used something called “The Spear of Destiny” to rewrite reality? Who even names something “Legion of Doom”? Mick Rory: You did.

Nate Heywood: Except Rip knows, which means the Legion of Doom probably already knows. They could already have my grandfather, or he could be dead, or they’re torturing him, or he’s dying, or… Sara Lance: We’re not gonna let that happen. Nate Heywood: It’s not just about my grandfather. It’s about the entire fabric of reality that’s at stake here, which you think would be incentive enough for a certain talking computer to buffer a little quicker.

Nate Heywood (DC’s Legends of Tomorrow/Arrowverse): ISFJ was originally published on MBTI Zone

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Station Eleven – “Because survival is insufficient”

I don’t know whether I’m more surprised this this book has been sitting on shelves for two years and I’ve been walking past it all this time or that an adapted screenplay didn’t beat me to it with a blockbuster poster. Luckily, an airport kiosk and a long layover finally served as our meet cute.

Picture Contagion with the most “God is in the details” depiction of the humanity within the apocalypse and its aftermath. Mandel brilliantly threads overlapping story lines that track the before and after of a deadly pandemic that wipes out 99% of the earth’s population within a matter of days, marked for the characters involved by the night Arthur Leander, a famous actor, has a heart attack during a Toronto production of King Lear.

Favorite Character:

Difficult choice in this case because Mandel does an excellent job of fleshing out characters and showing us realistically evolving over the course of their lifetime -“over correcting” previous decisions while eventually settling into an identity they can make peace with.

Miranda, over the course of her life wears different roles as a small-town girl, struggling artist, abused girlfriend, corporate logistics company executive, and wife to the rich and famous. Through it all she creates the underlying storyline of Station Eleven, the book’s namesake, a comic book about a the struggle between the sympathetic villains, the Undersea (and really any writer that can develop a sympathetic villain usually wins me over) a population of people who “only want to go home” versus Dr. Eleven

Existential Questions:

With 99% of who I know and love gone, with technology and comfort gone, who would I be? What would be left to live for?

After (Where you come after this book has destroyed you and ripped you apart emotionally and none of your friends have picked up a copy yet):

Words that will haunt you:

Words where you’re nostalgic for someone you’ve met:

“He was wonderful,” Clark said, “Back then, back at the beginning. I was so struck by him. I don’t mean romantically, it was nothing like that. Sometimes you just meet someone. He was so kind, that’s what I remember most clearly. Kind to everyone he met. This humility about him.”(Page 222)

Words that make you want to use your browser better while there’s still time/imagine how you’re doing in a parallel universe

Personally, since the sky’s the limit and I will never be held accountable to my parallel life, I think I’m probably a video game designer/psychologist who is creating some sort of therapeutic Hero’s journey for players:

“None of the older Symphony members knew much about science, which was frankly maddening, given how much time these people had had to look things up on the Internet before the world ended. Gil had offered an uncertain reminiscence about an article he’d read once, something about how subatomic particles are constantly vanishing and reappearing, which meant, he supposed, that there’s else to be, which he imagined might suggest that a person could be theoretically be simultaneously present and not present, perhaps living out a shadow life in a parallel universe of two. ‘But look’, he’d said, I was never a science guy.” (Page 200)

Words where you see how your dreams will evolve:

“Before they were famous, my actors friends were just going to auditions and struggling to be noticed, taking any work they could find, acting for free in friends’ movies, working in restaurants, or as caterers, just trying to get by. They acted because they loved acting, but also, let’s be honest, here, to be noticed. All they wanted was to be seen.

I’ve been thinking lately about immortality. What it means to be remembered, what I want to be remembered for, certain questions concerning memory and fame.I love watching old movies. I watch the faces of long-dead actors on the screen and I think about how they’ll never truly die. I know that’s a cliche but it happens to be true. Not just the famous ones who everyone knows, the Clark Gables, the Ava Gardners, but the bit players, the maid carrying the tray, the butler, the cowboys in the bar, the third girl from the left in the nightclub. They’re all immortal to me. First we only want to be seen, but once we’re seen that’s not enough anymore. After that we want to be remembered.” (Page 186)

Words where you recognize yourself:

“Kristen closed her eyes. A memory from early childhood, before the collapse: sitting with a friend on a lawn, a game where they closed their eyes and concentrated hard and tried to read one another’s minds. She had never entirely let go of the notion that if she reached far enough with her thoughts she might find someone waiting, that if two people were to cast their thoughts outward at the same moment they might somehow meet in the middle.” (Page 121)

Words that capture that “life flashes before your eyes” moment (psst…please leave your own in the comments section. We did.)

“He’d been spending more time in the past lately. He liked to close his eyes and let his memories overtake him. A life, remembered, is a series of photographs and disconnected short films: the school play when he was nine, his father beaming in the front row, clubbing with Arthur in Toronto, under whirling lights; a lecture hall at NYU. An executive, a client, running through his hands as he talked about his terrible boss. A procession of lovers, remembered in details: a set of dark blue sheets, a perfect cup of tea, a pair of sunglasses, a smile. The Brazilian pepper tree in a friend’s backyard in Silver Lake. A bouquet of tiger lilies on a desk, Robert’s smile. His mother’s hands, knitting while she listened to BBC.”

Words that highlight why you loved something you loved:

“Sure,” Arthur says, “I loved Calvin and Hobbes. My best friend had a stack of the books when we were growing up…”Yes, right. Do you remember Spaceman Spiff?”

She loved those panels especially.. Spiff’s flying saucer crossing alien skies, the little astronaut in his goggles under the saucer’s glass dome. Often it was funny, but also it was beautiful…she started thumbing through an old Calvin and Hobbes, and thought this. These red-desert landscapes, these skies with two moons. She began thinking about the possibilities of the form, about spaceships and stars, alien planets, but a year passed before she invented the beautiful wreckage of Station Eleven.”