#REALLY SCARY. MANY PEOPLE ARE OFTEN TRYING HARD TO NOT BE PERCIEVED. Are not even reblogs sacred

[ranvwoop]

I cannot think of a worse tumblr feature

[slasherholic]

Hi, I have a request to make if it isn’t too invasive or anything. I thought I saw on a post you made previously that you have OCD? If I’m wrong, you can just stop reading and delete this now, but if I’m not:

I’m writing a character and they have OCD, but I’d hate to misrepresent or use any harmful stereotypes and I can’t find any good sources to go off of. And since you are a person that has OCD, I was wondering if you have any useful tips or information for me?

Sure thing :-)

The way I describe compulsions to people is basically as follows:

Imagine you have a terrible habit. A completely nonsensical habit. You are fully aware of how ridiculous and delusional the habit is, but the compulsion to do the habit is so insanely strong that resisting it simply is not an option. Try to resist the habit, and you will lose your god damn mind. The compulsion to do it will grow and grow, and your stress and anxiety levels will rise until it's all you can think about. You can put it off for a few minutes if you really need to, but eventually, the habit NEEDS to happen.

If I don't hold my breath every single time I walk past a trash can, a dumpster, the kitchen sink, a suspicious stain on the sidewalk or anything that I think is going to smell bad, then I need to perform another compulsion where I cough super obnoxiously and hit my fist against my chest to "fix it". I cannot flush my own toilet without getting a big old wad of toilet paper to touch the handle with and if my finger grazes the handle I will immediately have to run my fingers under very hot water to "burn the germs off". If I see a pregnant woman, I have to do the fist-hitting-thing on my abdomen until my body "feels right" again. (I'm sorry I don't hate pregant women lol.) Point is, if you don't do the compulsion, your brain makes you think something bad is going to happen as a result of not doing it. OCD is about your brain trying to return you to a state of "feeling right again".

People with OCD aren't delusional, we know the weird shit we're doing doesn't make sense. It isn't grounded in making sense. I know that hitting my stomach whenever I see a pregnant chick isn't going to abort the nonexistant imaginary fetus in my stomach that literally isn't there. I know coughing super hard when I smell something that doesn't agree with me isn't actually going to "get the bad smell out of my lungs" any faster. I still have to do these things, because my brain has convinced itself that this is the only way to fix the percieved problem. I don't want to do any of these things, but I have to. Thus, "Obsessive Compulsive Disorder".

If I'm in a place where it isn't socially acceptable to make weird sounds and do weird movements, I can hold it off until I'm able to excuse myself to somewhere private, a backroom, restroom, etc. But even if I've been putting the compulsion off for an hour, whatever it was that got triggered still needs to happen at some point. It is extremely distressing not to be able to do your compulsions; in cognitive behavioral therapy, they tell you that you need to put your compulsions off for as long as possible, and eventually the distress associated with not doing them will subside. I'm no psych, but so far, that really hasn't been my experience. I've had to put compulsions off at work for hours because it's scary to see someone randomly start hitting themselves (lmao,) and then I HAVE to do the compulsion the second I get back in my car.

I wouldn't worry about offending by writing a character with "stereotypical compulsions" or anything because they're often stereotypes for a reason. I have many compulsions that revolve around expunging my body of imagined germs, yet very few to do with obsessive organization, in fact I am chronically disorganized and it's a huge problem for me. But as long as you're trying to portray a character with compulsions other than your very basic "ahhhh I gotta wash my hands now ahhhhh I hate being messy" then I think you're good to go!

OCD can be treated with SSRIs and sometimes atypical antipsychotics. I was on risperidone on and off for a year before deciding to quit it because I really disliked the way it was making me feel. I felt disturbingly unlike myself. It did help my tics and compulsions, but not to the degree that it was worth sacrificing my creative motivation, silencing my internal dialogue that previously never shut the fuck up (which I enjoyed thank you very much) and risking developing tardive dyskinesia, which my doctor had to test me for every time I went in.

edit: If you want to pull reference from an existing character, Bruno Madrigal from Encanto has “superstitions” that upon my first watch IMMEDIATELY registered to me as OCD compulsions. I don’t know if he officially does have OCD, but damn, compulsions like that were pleasantly surprising to see portrayed in a movie.

Aaaaand that's all I can think of right now agshsgsd! I hope that was at least a little helpful! I don't speak for every person with OCD, that's just my experience with the disorder👍

[bassiter2]

one of the lesser talked-about consequences of homophobia is how all the supposedly Problematic sides of gay culture are basically literally homophobia’s fault. when someone grows up totally unable to make the same kind of romantic connections that their cishet peers are making AND simultaneously seeing their identity hypersexualized, they wind up touch-starved and believing that the only way they’re going to recieve love IS through sex. so they immediately go full hog at seeking it out the MOMENT they’re able (often even before reaching 18) and are subsequently at a much higher than average risk of being preyed upon by older, abusive men, because they’re desperate for attention that they’ve literally never gotten before. 

and because we often get so little (if ANY) practice in our adolescence as well as no relevant sex ed, we have very little blueprint for how a healthy relationship works. we take literally whatever we get for a good portion of our adulthood the same way that straight middle-schoolers do.

not to mention that even outside of how sexualized we are, our relationships are demonized so we feel a heightened pressure to prove that mindset wrong - aka we’re LESS likely to leave a relationship that isn’t right for us as quickly as we should so as to avoid being percieved as promiscuous (even though, of course, cishets get away with the same exact level of “promiscuity”) which ALSO means we’re more likely to stay in abusive relationships. 

and like, even knowing these facts, it’s still hard to not feel bad hooking up even if you’re hooking up way less than plenty of straight ppl do. it’s hard to not feel like you’re betraying your whole community every time a relationship doesn’t work out. you feel like you NEED to find your soulmate as quickly as possible so that you can prove that your love isn’t bad.

so many of us take one of two sides and either lean into the hypersexual stereotype just so we can own it and take pride in it, or try to be as contrarian as possible to it and hold insanely high standards for anyone that we so much as attempt a relationship with so that we have less of a risk of a romance that doesn’t work out. some of us consistently flip-flop between them. neither are inherently bad, but i’d put my money on the notion that they’re not actually authentic for most of us who approach relationships those ways - we just do it because the middle ground is scary. we don’t want to risk feeling like we’ve only gotten closer to fulfilling a homophobic stereotype and at the same time, we even don’t want to feel like we’re doing the same thing straight people do, because whichever of the extremes we take, there IS a sort of comfort in doing it different than straight people when it’s on purpose. we ground ourselves in the idea that that’s our truth so that we can feel comfortable from ostracized positions. we, once again, feel like we’re betraying our community if we do something “straight.”

and it sucks because that’s really not true. dating casually is an entirely healthy way to go about seeking love, and way more attainable than hooking up or waiting for a friends-to-lovers slowburn. it’s literally just NORMAL, but being gay has for so long been so un-normalized that we can be doing exactly what straight people do and still feel like we’re just proving their homophobic ideas right! and we’re NOT! we’re just living our fucking lives, but everything about our lives is automatically on full blast because to cishets every single one of us represents the whole community, thus creating a loop of constant homophobia-fueled introspection that informs our behavior and vice versa whether we like it or not.

and we’re all going to keep doing it to some degree, because there’s no fool-proof escape from homophobia, but i hope this post at least gives some of yall a mental tool to help smack the internalized homophobia away so that yall can do exactly what you want, WHATEVER that is, and not just what you think you need to do 

[signaturedish]

I found out that there is a name for struggling with emotions and hilariously it's making me feel an emotion that I can't identify. But I finally, FINALLY have a word and explanation and it is so GOOD. Alexythymia. Anyways, I bring it up because I'm especially curious if you think any cybertronians may have this? My first thought was honestly Megatron. XD - Optical Admirer (P.S. I'll send a second with what it is in case you don't have time/energy to look it up.)

So to explain alexythymia, I gotta explain how emotions happen. The body has a physical reaction to something and the brain translates that + the situation to an emotion. Alexythymia means either the body doesn't produce those signs in the body, or the brain can't interpret the signs. A fast beating heart could mean many things, arousal, fear, anger. Most people would know while staring at something scary that it's not because they're horny. People with alexythymia aren't sure... - OA 1/5

... what they're feeling. They may not even recognize there IS something to feel. This isn't psychopathy btw, people with alexythymia could have an angry face, gesture wildly, and be yelling... and not know they're angry. They can feel emotions, but the body may not show them well or their brain seriously can't identify even the clearest of signs in themself what the emotion is. They can also label emotions incorrectly. For me, I have two that emotions often get shunted to. - OA 2/5

Amusement and Frustration. If I feel a lighter emotion, a 'happier' one I guess, I usually just call it 'amused'. If it's heavier and 'sharp', I call it 'frustrated'. Those are the two I often use because they're what I often translate from my body. Most of the time, there is nothing for me. I do have other emotions, but I'm trying to keep it a tad simple. This may or may not be the norm (shifting emotions), but I read of at least another person doing it, but with anger and fear. - OA 3/5

This means people with alexythymia do also struggle with empathy too. If we can't really identify our own emotions, it's hard to identify emotions in others. Not impossible, for absolutely sure. It's often a struggle though, especially in similar looking emotions. It does lead to interpersonal problems, but can be overcome with time. We just have to manually learn how each emotion looks on a person in particular, and how to react to that emotion. Which leads me to the last part! - OA 4/5

We often end up memorizing 'procedures' for how to react to situations. Our emotions can't comprehendingly or quickly lead us through situations that require such. So we memorize what other people do and how they react. Honestly, this does lead to problems where everything feels fake, because a good chunk.... kind of is? We do care about people though, we just may not have the words. With training and therapy, recognizing emotions can get better, but will always be a struggle. - OA 5/5

Thanks so much for this information, Optical Admirer! I’ve never heard of anything like this but it sounds so interesting! One of my favorite gen ed courses in college was physiological psychology because the way people function and percieve is so complex. It’s fascinating! 

This sort of disorder sounds very nuanced and interconnected with other atypical psychologies but I can’t help = but wonder what sort of physical component might contribute to this. A deficiency somewhere? A difficulty transferring information between hemispheres? I did look this up lol, but it’s new and largely related to cognition so there doesn’t seem to be much certainty, unfortunately.

I don’t need to tell you any of this of course, I’m sure you’ve heard it all before. Thank you for sharing your experience and I hope your alexythymia doesn’t cause you too much trouble in your day-to-day life. 

If you don’t mind my saying so, you sound very well put together and from my perspective, empathetic and compassionate. I’m so glad you have access to resources such as therapy and that they appear to be effective. I have a relative with very mild autism that mostly affects his emotional maturity and empathy so while I can’t speak to this sort of challenge myself, I can say that I have seen and appreciate the conscious effort that goes into being social and connecting with others. 

If you would like to share any other experiences (in anon or privately) I’m always here!

As for how this psychology might be applied to the transformers...

You have more authority on the subject so let me know if you disagree with any of this!

Honestly, a lot of Decepticons could be safely considered alexythymiac. In my au, a majority have tweaked with their own programming for streamlining specialties and gaining an edge in combat against the Autobots and their social protocols were the first to go. Lack of empathy and social awareness run rampant in their ranks.

Frenzy doesn’t bother addressing any of his issues, he’s not sure how he feels and he interacts haphazardly with basically everyone to the point of gaining a reputation for being spastic and temperamental. He’s not, but he doesn’t bother correcting that perception, he doesn’t care for anyone outside his handler. So long as he can infiltrate and communicate the information he recovers, he can validate himself. 

Seekers largely dodged this trend because their social intricacies are their edge and quick, long-lasting bonds are what make them terrors in flight formations. But bots like Megatron now have difficulty handling nuanced emotion or reading it in others. They aren’t emotionless by any stretch and are fully capable of social bonds, it’s just more difficult to take on and maintain. 

Megatron especially filters most of his emotions through rage and pleasure. This may have once been habit in his grandstanding to appear without weakness, but now it’s a reality. It’s not that he doesn’t feel anything else, but it’s easier to attribute whatever that emotion is to either camp and actualize from there.

Optimus could be considered the poster child for alexythymia as Wikipedia has led me to understand it. Just like those with the condition, he is caring and aware of his perceptions. And while he is very good at managing himself and his own emotions, he has a great deal of difficulty with direct, physical empathy in real-time. It’s hard for him to anticipate how someone dissimilar from him might feel, like he’s honed his self-perception so finely that now he’s only an expert on the exclusive psychology of Optimus Prime.

Bumblebee is bad at interacting with Harry, for example, because he’s never been around a child and has a poor understanding of them. Optimus has been around countless children, but because they’re so removed from how he thinks and behaves he can’t easily identify their emotions or extrapolate on why they feel the way they do. Just like those with alexythymia, he needs to consciously establish every emotion on an individual and study their inner workings to connect with that individual. 

All of them can, have, and will, establish strong connections, it’s only their rate of success and necessary deliberation that is different from other, more social bots. 

What do you think? Did I miss one? Did you disagree with any of these? Let me know why! 

[ephemeral-afterlight]

Mourning at Midnight

(UwU so Hey. i’m back with some more trash)

Word Count: 7480

Summary: It’s scary, in a way, how in moments like this one, Logan feels as if his consciousness floats away from him, leaving behind only a wave of white-hot, searing anger that drains out of him just as quickly as it comes. There’s sleet running through his veins, and his brain has frostbite, and his fingertips are numb in the face of the ringing resonance after his outburst. The pain comes next, a simmering heat blistering below his fist until it’s coated and red and the beginnings of a bruise are starting to form. He can’t help but stare helplessly in front of himself, eyes burning and filling and blazing with how much they beg to close.

He doesn’t want to look up, to face the suffocating silence that’s fallen over the room. He doesn’t want to see their faces, their disappointment, their anger, their contempt. He wants to yell. He wants to sleep.

Logan sinks out.

Warnings (could potentially be small spoilers, nothing too big, but if you don’t have any triggers I’d suggest you skip reading this!):

There are no u!sides in this, nor does anyone have malicious intent, but the other main three (Virgil, Patton, Roman) and Thomas, to a lesser extent, treat Logan unkindly (not on purpose) and don’t realize their errors. This will be resolved! Just… not yet OwO

Being ignored/talked over

Mental/emotional breakdown

An unidentified illness with symptoms including: [extreme persistent nausea (lots of mentions), vomiting (once), bile, weakness/weariness, shaking, lightheadedness, double vision (once), headache, body aches/pains, breathing difficulties]

General negativity including: [self-doubt, self-deprecation/depreciation, feeling worthless or unloveable, self-hatred]

Anger management/temperament issues

Unintentional self-harm (not anything like c-tting, Logan gets a bruise as a result of an angry outburst)

Separate small, vague allusion to self-harm, but it’s not outright and not detailed in the slightest. Could be read as not even talking about self-harm

Potentially triggering descriptive imagery (metaphors and similes to describe how a character feels or percieves a situation, not anything that actually happens) including but not limited to: [glass, sharp things, blood, injection, live wires, loud noises, screaming, general mentions of pain, masochism, sound torture, knives/blades, wounds, drowning/suffocating, pressure]

Temporarily unresolved tension between Logan/Deceit/Remus and the other sides/Thomas (there will be a happy ending in the next fic, though, don’t worry!)

A few vulgar threats of violence (somewhat explicit, be careful) to the other sides from Remus (out of protectiveness; Remus means well but he does Not express it in a healthy way) that is not carried out or even humoured

Remus’ morning star and descriptions of its destructive capabilites

Loceit as a romantic pairing (for now…. UwU)

Sympathetic “dark” sides

That should be it for warnings! Let me know if I need to add anything!

A/N: So! This is finally done :D !! I’ve been working on it on and off for the past week or so, and although I know it could be way better, I think this is where I’ll keep it! This is technically a sequel to my other fic Tea at Twilight and it takes place in the same universe, and although you don’t need to read that before this to understand the story, I strongly suggest reading that first to get more of a feel for the dynamic! 

This is inspired by @illogicallyinclined and her absolutely amazing Disaster Trio™ headcanons/au, and was prompted by this post so I just started writing! I meant for it to be a bit shorter, but of course my brain would Not let it go, even despite my ADHD, executive dysfunction, and massive amounts of writer’s block. 

This is also unfinished! It is the second of three main works, all happening chronologically in the same universe. The first one is Tea at Twilight as stated previously, then this one, and there will be a third and final installment added to finish off this short little trilogy! I’ll be adding this to the series on AO3, so when the final fic is up, it’ll all be together for an easy reading experience. It is also possible that there will be other small fics in this universe (UA, as has been recently coined) that operate outside of the timeline of the main story, so be sure to watch out for that! 

Thanks to Jay once again for creating these lovely headcanons that haunt my dreams every night, and for inspiring me to get back into my writing groove despite a writer’s block that’s lasted for over three years! Hope this isn’t too terrible, Jay! ilyy <333</p>

Also, a huge thank you to @illogical-anxieties for being such a good cheerleader/enabler! You really do help to keep me motivated and on track (and keep my ADHD in check), which is probably why this was even able to become a full-fledged story rather than a WIP to be buried where unfinished fics go to die T~T Love you tons <3</p>

(If I’m being honest with myself, this is just an excuse for me to live up to my IRL title of “Living Thesaurus”, coined by a friend many years ago and has since spread around to other friends and family. My title is thriving, and I suppose that means I should actually have proof of it, so there’s that.)

(Cross-posted to AO3)

(Read Part 1 here)

He can feel it building.

There’s far too much left to be desired when it comes to frustration. The natural helplessness that makes way for anger when you try so hard to do something or be something for someone and you’re pushed down by anything and everything between ignorance and antipathy. The fear that nothing you can do or say will ever be good enough. The buzzing, ticking, pinpricks upon pinpricks of heat injected into you until your blood and heart have been replaced with glass, fragile as a crumbling stone wall. It’s not as if he hasn’t had his outbursts before, spurred on by the familiar sharp pulse of rage that courses through him in a split-second whirlwind. It builds inside him, and he can feel the pressure in his limbs expand until it feels like his muscles are being squeezed out of existence and then he snaps like a rubber band that’s been pulled too taut. He’s not in denial of the fact that his impulsive, blinding reaction when met with frustration is not okay, and only detrimental to the demeanour he’s trying to retain. He knows it’s childish. He knows it’s immature, and pathetic, and wholly invigorating, at least until the adrenaline has worn off and he’s in the aftermath of his knee-jerk reaction to the tension coiled in his arms and legs and head.

It doesn’t mean that Logan is particularly in control of it though, despite his self-awareness being far above the level that most people with anger management issues are at. Maybe there’s a certain quality to it that allows for growth; it’s not as if Logan stays angry, or that he wants to hurt people. He loves the others, painfully so (as much as he loathes to admit it), to the point where he’s so desperate for their approval that he tampers down his passion, that spark that used to drive him to learn and speak and be happy just to avoid being cast out and abandoned, alone in the way he never wants to be. He wants to find a way to temper the fall into those dark, consuming waters, a way to mute the buzzing and ticking. He wants to seal those exposed live wires and release the tension to the point where he never lashes out ever again. He wants to, and he doesn’t know how to, and that fact infuriates him in an ironic, endless cycle of self-imposed and self-directed enmity.

Logan still thinks on this often, even now, wracking his brain for solutions to problems that realistically won’t be solved as easily as he wishes they would. Excerpts and quotes and data and statistics from many different studies about anger and temper management and irritability and everything in between seem to figuratively run amok through his brain, a screaming crowd of witnesses to the chaos and failure found in his ability to filter through the nonsense and come to a satisfying conclusion, any conclusion at all. He notices how his fingers tremble as they slip into the handle of his coffee mug, endures the dull ache in his mid-to-lower back from falling asleep at his desk for the majority of the day under the guise of work so important he holed himself up in his room to complete it. He ignores the way his head pounds, how he feels so dizzy that he might fall over and pass out any second from lightheadedness. He suffers through the loud conversations between the other three that are typical to the dinner routine that Logan cannot deal with today, not with this headache poking at him like figurative needles in his head.

When he senses the summons from Thomas stirring up the familiar but nonetheless odd ticklish sensation on the back of his neck, Logan can feel the tension knot up his muscles, and the combination of the two just makes him want to growl in irritation. The others, having also felt the summoning, seem to get impossibly louder, ringing and stinging and singing in his head. He still persists, despite the fact that he knows he shouldn’t be out doing anything today that’s likely to exacerbate his sickness, because Thomas is important, more so than Logan himself. No matter how much he wants to hole himself up in his room and sleep the day away, his host needs him, so Logan simply forces his mask of indifference to melt into steel. He refuses to budge, not for the first or last time, and he rises up in the real world standing straight and rigid and as put together as he’s always expected to be.

When he’s finally settled into his usual spot, as still as he can possibly be to not exacerbate the roiling nausea disquieting his stomach, he’s able to take in the other four arranged in their usual positions in Thomas’ living room, already having begun a conversation that Logan has missed the premise of entirely through his all-eclipsing, obfuscating malady. His vision doubles, like broken fractals of glass reflecting onto themselves, and then it pulls back together, merging back into something visible, something manageable.

“Well, I’m sure Danny likes you, too! You just gotta ask him, kiddo!” Patton exclaims, high voice pushing through the heavy, suffocating cotton in Logan’s ears, and the words snap the bespectacled side to attention. He needs context, needs to know what they’re talking about, needs to be able to help for once. Maybe he has to endure the bad to be able to put out the good, and this is where the climax is, the top of the rollercoaster at such a high altitude that oxygen is thin and dispersed before he shoots down the tracks in a rush of fresh air, relieving and calm and sanguine as he’s finally able to ground himself. A shiver runs through Logan’s body, between his shoulder blades and down his hip and through his leg, and his eyes flutter under the weight of consciousness. It recedes, the flow is ebbed, and his head clears to a more sustainable level.

“Oh, that’s so boring, Padre! Thomas should hire a band to play! And we can rig up streamers and confetti and there can be a cake and dancing and a party to celebrate!” Roman crows, throwing his arms and hands up into his signature pose to match his full, booming tone. Patton squeals, clutching his cardigan in his hands to pull excitedly at the sleeves as he bounces giddily on his feet. At the suggestion, as the polar opposite to Patton’s reaction, Virgil grimaces, hunching over even further in his jacket as he protests with every way he can think of that the situation could go wrong. Unsurprisingly, Roman takes personal offense to it and refutes Virgil’s points with the same intensity and fervour that’s been present in himself and his interactions with the anxious side since day one. Logan sort of understands, can infer that they’re discussing how to ask out Danny, a new friend of Thomas’ who has very quickly turned into a crush. In that case…

“If I may interrupt? While I don’t share all of Virgil’s worries, I do agree with his position in regards to the fact that there isn’t a need for such extravagance. It might embarrass Danny, for one, and for two, there are many ways such an excessive venture could backfire, such as technical difficulties or general human error. The idea is, while exciting, frankly outrageous,” Logan says, his role as the voice of reason renewed once more. It’s his job to sift through the conversations they have and get to the important parts, and he likes his job. He’s good at micromanaging, mediating the chaos, good at storing information to sort and consider and veto and bolster. It’s how he operates, how he copes. “We can think of something else to–”

“Oh, shut it, Pocket Protector. We all know you don’t care about romance, but this is important! Thomas wishes to find love with the second most handsome prince in the world! After me, of course,” Roman exclaims, in that boisterous, self-aggrandizing way of his, the way that hides his real insecurities he buries so deeply in himself he doesn’t know how to find them again. Oddly enough, it’s not Roman’s defense mechanism that throws Logan off, it’s the way that Logan stopped talking almost reflexively to allow the other side to finish his statement, as if the prince’s words were more important than his own, and it speaks as testament to how much Logan’s been conditioned (or maybe he’s conditioned himself all on his own) into putting everyone else before himself, even when it hurts him or Thomas. Logan is ignored in the face of his implicit trust, and he hates that even as it pours salt in the open wound, he finds himself taking a depraved, spiteful comfort in the familiarity of it all.

“That’s not what I–”

“Awe, c'mon, Logan! Thomas deserves to have a happy relationship and someone he can live out the rest of his life with! Doesn’t that sound nice, to grow old together with someone you love? Isn’t that romantic? Oh, it just makes me so warm and fuzzy thinking about it!” Patton interrupts, hands clutching each other over his heart as he swoons. Logan knows Patton doesn’t mean to be rude, but he still can’t help but be a little hurt by it, especially since he’s now been ignored twice consecutively. He’s just trying to help, and if that means reigning in Roman’s exorbitant ideas that border on egregious at times, then Logan knows it must be done. Although he encourages Thomas to seek a relationship to improve his mental health and provide more financial stability, there is a limit to how much he can disregard himself and others in doing so, and that doesn’t mean that Logan is the bad guy for pointing that out. He knows that. He knows that, so why does the dismissal still feel so sharp in his chest?

“Yeah, romance is cool and all, but what if it doesn’t work? What if Danny actually hates us? What if we ask and he laughs at us or says no and then we’ll be standing there like an idiot and then he’ll never wanna talk to us again because he thinks we’re pathetic and stupid and–”

“Hey, now, don’t be such a Debby Downer, kiddo! I’m sure it’ll go just fine! We’ll just ask him. The worst thing that can happen is he’ll say no, right? Shouldn’t we give it a shot?” Patton consoles before Virgil can go into a spiral. Although his well-meaning reassurances are meant to be comforting, his voice just grates on Logan’s ears, tinny and hollow and misdirected.

“That’s what I’m afraid of!”

Logan wants to keep listening, he really does, but the noise is rising to levels where it’s too much to handle. He’s already sensitive from his illness, but the discussion that is very quickly turning into an argument falls in pulses through his head, sound torture to the broken, hopeless masochist. He’s barely holding onto himself at this point, consciousness like a dangling thread that swirls and dances and twirls with even the tiniest breeze, a hint of movement sending it shivering and quivering as it spins. It wouldn’t take much for the thread to fray from the weight pulling it down, or to saw through it in a clean slice that leaves it floating feather-light upon air currents, petals spiraling to the ground.

Petals. Flowers. Thomas could bring Danny flowers! It’s perfect! Danny is especially predisposed to gardening, and he frequently talks about different flowers and what they mean based on the type and colour. His interest in botany could make this a sweet gift, to show that Thomas pays attention to what Danny enjoys, and can be the perfect segue into asking him on a romantic outing. Yes, this could work! It would appease Roman’s inclination to classic romanticism while still being practical and not unreasonably expensive, give Patton his ideal relationship fantasy (and a “warm and fuzzy feeling”, apparently), and allow Virgil a little more breathing room, so-to-speak. This is something they all should be agreeable towards, and that confidence is enough to supply Logan with enough energy to push past his lightheadedness and offer a solution. He’s proud of himself for taking the others’ feelings into account, something he knows he’s not always been the most proficient at, and for coming up with a compromise that will likely satisfy everyone’s wants and needs.

“What about bringing him flowers?” Logan asks, pleased and antsy as he feels hope well up in his chest. He doesn’t push it down this time, and he thinks maybe, just maybe they’ll finally listen to him, that they’ll tell him that he did well, that he’s being considerate and maybe even say thank you–

“How would you even know, Roman? It’s not like we just go out and hire mariachi bands every Saturday!” Virgil says with furrowed brows, and Roman huffs in indignation, and Patton sighs as he looks between the two of them, and Logan’s words fall on deaf ears. They didn’t even hear. They didn’t listen. They didn’t care they didn’t care–

“Uh, hey, Virgil, what if–” Logan tries once more to speak, nausea rolling angrily in his gut, head spinning dizzy round and round and round and round and Virgil flinches.

He flinches. Because of Logan.

Virgil hasn’t been afraid of any of them for a long time. Sure, in the beginning, when they fought one another on nearly a day-to-day basis, there would be a moment before he could pull on his figurative mask that a flash of fear would go through Virgil’s eyes, and the sadness kept within wouldn’t subside even when he growled and snapped and blustered whichever side had the misfortune of picking a fight with him during a time where his first instinct was to keep away the pain and longing and loneliness the only way he knew how. Over time, that flash of fear dulled, morphed into something more manageable, more trusting. The sadness never really went away, but it was met with warmth, a soft contentedness that danced in his eyes when he realized he had a family to turn to. He hasn’t been afraid for a long time. And yet, he flinches away from Logan, just from him speaking.

Is he really that bad?

Does even simply the sound of his voice have such a negative association for Virgil that it prompts genuine fear and discomfort? Has he really scared Virgil that much? What did he do? How can he fix this?

Maybe he shouldn’t.

Logan’s felt disconnected from the others for quite a while now. He loves them, of course he does, but he doesn’t feel like he fits. He’s the metaphorical jagged puzzle piece, the one that should snap into the final vacant space but is so broken beyond repair that it doesn’t fit quite right. He wants to belong, to feel at home whenever he’s with them, but he doesn’t. He yearns for the acceptance that Virgil earned, the support that Roman is held up by, the respect and adoration Patton seems to acquire so casually and naturally that it’s like he doesn’t even have to try. Logan wants to be like them. He wants to be loved, but… that isn’t really his place, is it?

Love is not an inherent thing. It’s something that’s earned, by doing good things and being important enough to someone that they give it freely. It’s something Logan doesn’t understand, but despite that, still desperately, painfully yearns for. He wants to be loved, the way he loves the others. He wants to be a part of their famILY, to have that implicit trust in each other that only comes from acute, profound, deep-seated love. He wants that fondness directed towards himself, that devotion borne from hapless, radiating appreciation. The humbled esteem, the maudlin, theatrical longing, the passion and yearning and helpless, acquiescent love that bursts from the seams in a manner that will never diminish or fade. He wants that. Badly. And he’s finally ready to accept that he will never have it. He’s okay. He’s okay. He just needs a moment. He just needs to breathe.

The others must have continued with their arguments long ago, seemingly unaware of anything outside of themselves. Logan supposes he shouldn’t really berate them for that since he often falls victim to getting lost in debate as well, but something is wrong with Thomas, going by his expression and demeanour and the logical side can’t ignore it anymore. It’s highly unlikely that the other three will come away from themselves for long enough to notice, and it doesn’t sound like they’re anywhere close to coming to a conclusion amongst themselves, so Logan is perfectly fine with bearing that responsibility upon himself to check up on his host and make sure he’s okay. He’s the most important one here, after all, and it’s Logan’s job to help him, guide him in his life and decisions.

“Thomas? Is there something wrong?” Although the words come out clear and precise as usual, Logan’s throat burns, and he can barely breathe. He wants to sleep, he wants to sleep, but Thomas needs him, and that doesn’t happen often nowadays, so Logan does nothing but wait impassively. His host bites the inside of his cheek, then sighs as he stares off at the wall, lost in thought. Since he says nothing, the logical side assumes he will continue to say nothing for a few more moments, and decides to give him a once-over to gather more information and any possible context. Thomas’ eyebrows are furrowed, and his posture far from adequate. His expression is troubled, and his arms are crossed loosely, a pointer finger scratching at his elbow unconsciously. There is no obvious cause for his confusion and/or upset in himself or anywhere in the room, apart from the current dilemma, but he was fine before, so something must have changed to distress him now. Logan cannot ascertain what Thomas needs simply from observing him, so he concludes that the best thing for him to do is wait.

So he does. And he does so for a minute, two, five. Every second that ticks by feels like a needle is being shoved into his eyes, his brain, his legs, his everything and it takes more effort to stand than he’s used to. Breathing is difficult, but that isn’t exactly a new development, so at least he knows how to ignore it. Eventually, ten minutes pass with only the sound of the other three arguing in the background, and it doesn’t seem like Thomas is really all there. Although the action makes him want to throw up, Logan shifts forward, moving out of his usual spot and into Thomas’ own. He still doesn’t acknowledge any kind of input outside himself, so Logan lays a hand on his host’s arm gently, which snaps him out of his trance in a slow, unhurried kind of way. Thomas gives him a glance when his logical side sighs, tampering down any audible signs of his nausea in a manner that is unbeknownst to the host, but returns to staring at the wall without a second regard.

“Thomas?” Logan murmurs, bile rising in his throat and shoving his hidden suffering even closer to the forefront of his mind, as though it hasn’t been there all along. It’s hard to think, through all of the white noise and weary irritation and the tiniest sliver of hope that he crushes immediately, but thinking is his job, and he needs to help. “Are you alright? You can talk to me.”

And then Thomas is shrugging him off, turning away as he tells him he should “just stop” with piercing words, that he “can’t do anything to help”, and the rejection feels like a metaphorical knife has been shoved into his gut. Logan can feel the pain and the heartbreak and the insecurity materialize into a cold blade, twisting and twisting just to make him hurt more. Logan is ignored for the fourth time today, by the person it hurts to come from the most, and he can feel the sun whipping and screaming in his chest. His breath is stuck, sucked down into his throat, a sharp pain localizing in his neck, and he can’t help but bring his hand up to rub at the spot with trembling fingertips as he unsteadily lurches back to his regular spot. The others don’t notice, of course, or if they did, they don’t care. Then the nausea he’s been fighting against surges like a violent wave at full force, drowning him and the hurt is forcing its way into his mouth, his throat, his lungs, and he can’t breathe–

His fist flashes down from his neck to the banister, punching the railing so hard it echoes in the reverberation created from his vicious, angry snarl.

It’s scary, in a way, how in moments like this one, Logan feels as if his consciousness floats away from him, leaving behind only a wave of white-hot, searing anger that drains out of him just as quickly as it comes. There’s sleet running through his veins, and his brain has frostbite, and his fingertips are numb in the face of the ringing resonance after his outburst. The pain comes next, a simmering heat blistering below his fist until it’s coated and red and the beginnings of a bruise are starting to form. He can’t help but stare helplessly in front of himself, eyes burning and filling and blazing with how much they beg to close.

He doesn’t want to look up, to face the suffocating silence that’s fallen over the room. He doesn’t want to see their faces, their disappointment, their anger, their contempt. He wants to yell. He wants to sleep.

Logan sinks out.

There’s a very short window of time where the logical side rushes into the en-suite bathroom after rising up in his bedroom, trembling legs aching with exhaustion. Barely a second passes between him falling to the floor and emptying the meager contents of his stomach into the toilet, the bile burning in his tender throat as a reminder of his failure. The floor is cold and hard beneath him, ridges of tiles pressing unrelenting into his knees through his wrinkled jeans. His head spins, unbalanced as it whirls through itself, words and thoughts and ideas that mean nothing and everything simultaneously existing hollowly in a falling echo. There is pain, and aching, and soreness, and exhaustion, and Logan wants to sleep.

It’s hard to rise to his feet, head throbbing and knees shaking as he wipes the spit from his mouth on a folded square of toilet paper. The pain nags at him, persistent and irritating in its attempts to shut Logan out, almost clear in a way that belies the foggy haze blanketing his nearly incoherent thought process. Marking a clear vantage, a faultline to anchor onto is no easy task, and all Logan wants as he stumbles over to his bed is a landmark to pinpoint and find his way back to. He careens toward the mattress once he’s close enough, finally letting his legs give out underneath him when he’s as near as he can bear. It’s so difficult to stay upright in stiff misery, pangs and twinges of sharp pain coursing through his limbs and his back as his muscles are forced together under pressure.

In another familiar, frustrating bout of anger that seizes his breath before it can escape his lungs, Logan shoves his fingers in the knot of his tie, yanking it forcefully even as the motion jerks his own head forward uncomfortably along with it. His fingers run down the length of the fabric, and it falls apart at the end of its cycle, much like Logan has, and he snaps his arm back to chuck the dark blue, silky length to the ground in a motion that does little to relieve the rage built up inside him.

He can feel it building. The buzzing, the pressure, the glass in his veins running on shards. He feels the pinpricks upon pinpricks, the fire burning in his lungs, and the stone crumbles, and tumbles down, and he’s like a rubber band pulled taut.

He cracks, shrill pressure in his knuckles and head and torso, and nothing happens.

Then Logan hears the telltale squeak of his door swiveling on mildly rusty hinges, and a familiar voice echoes right through his bubble, shatters the stone wall like a bulldozer running at full speed, and then the wetness spills over his lashes and over his stony, impassive face.

“Oh, Lo,” Deceit murmurs, sad and tender as the breath rushes out of him and Logan can’t do this. He wants to throw out his fist in a wide arc and pummel the wall next to him until his knuckles are raw and bloodied and bruised beyond repair. He wants to scream until his throat is torn and his voice is gone, lost in the uncaring, empty void that coldly swallowed up his passion. Happiness has never seemed further away, and he knows he deserves it. But then he remembers all of the times where the pressure in his limbs and the buzzing in his brain forced him to lash out, to hurt others, and he thinks that maybe it’s okay for him to hurt right now to even the score. With the last of the metaphorical wall around him in tiny pieces, fragments of a life he never wanted to live but he desperately fought to keep, he lets his guard down for the first time in years.

Logan’s face crumples under the weight he’s burdened his being with, body immediately drooping under the heaviness that he’s forced himself to fight through. He finally submits, and the tears come in an endless stream over his cheekbones, itchy and hot and terribly, mindlessly relieving. It feels so good to finally let the negative emotion he’s pent up inside him out, to fall out of his cage he’s lived in high above a swirling ocean of release and fear and freedom. And he’s so, so lucky because he has someone to save him from the fall.

Deceit’s kneeled down in front of him, wiping away the tears as they fall with uncharacteristically degloved thumbs, and Logan can feel the smoothness of the scales twisting and trailing down his fingers. Every so often, Deceit’s pointed thumbnails catch lightly on the skin of Logan’s cheek, and it just causes him to cry harder. The vulnerability in the room is palpable, a wispy breath of worry and insecurity and trust trailing over their skin, blanketing the room in a warmth that runs even warmer when Logan reaches up to gently lay his hand over Deceit’s own. He shows his appreciation through tactility when the words he so desperately wishes to say are lost in his throat, blocked by the barrier that separates his newfound submission and the part of him that’s still clinging to the feeble grasp at acceptance he craves so dearly.

Logan can barely tell what’s in front of him through the kaleidoscope in his vision, but he doesn’t really need to see to throw himself forward off the bed and bury himself in Deceit’s chest, of whom lets out a surprised noise but doesn’t hesitate a single second in wrapping his arms tightly around the other side. He strokes Logan’s back comfortingly and offers him whispered reassurances through the heart-wrenching sobs and broken, croaky whines that disappear into his cloak, hand coming up to cradle his head in the overwhelming reflexive instinct to keep the logical side safe and happy. It feels like a dagger has gone through Deceit’s chest at the knowledge that Logan has been suffering for so long and hasn’t been able to let it out or just simply be held, the self-preservation that is at the core of his function as a side going off like alarm bells with every sniffle. Logan curls into the first person who’s ever offered him physical affection and emotional safety, and his fists clench the fabric at the snake-like side’s shoulders as tightly as he would if he were to never, ever let go.

Logan is out of breath even as his heart begins to calm, beating and beating in his ribcage and in his lungs. The lump in his throat prevents him from speaking, but he figures it’s okay to not be heard audibly, just this once, and speak with his actions. Although he doesn’t know what he’s saying when he pulls back and wraps his arms around Deceit’s neck, laying his face in the crook of other side’s neck like a small child would, not really, he hopes that his intent still comes across in some sort of intelligible, hopeful way. Deceit seems to take this as a request, a promise, and slides his grip to a point where he can hoist the smaller side up in his hold, carrying him just like a parent carrying their kid to their bed after they fell asleep during a visit to a friend’s house. This situation is much more loaded, stained with impurities and unsure withering, but it’s just as raw, just as real, and Logan finds himself feeling safer than he ever has before.

At some point, they end up on the bed, Logan having been manhandled into a more comfortable position for both of them, which is laying across Deceit’s lap without ever having let go of his neck. The logical side feels small and vulnerable, something that he would normally hate, squash down, bury so deep within himself that he doesn’t even have to acknowledge it. But honestly, right here, right now, he’s so goddamn exhausted, and forcing himself back into the state of repression he’s been in for so much of his life would take too much of a toll, more than he already has on himself. The wetness rolls down his cheeks, bold, blue precipitation falling in droplets onto his skin and the fabric of Deceit’s cape, sinking and spreading and thinning out into airy nothingness. And the nothingness enraptures him, pulls him in even as he breaks and whimpers and spills wisps of forgotten feelings into empty space, at least until his bedroom door opens once more with a loud click, because nothing Remus ever does is truly quiet.

“Hey, are you guys having a sexy party without me? How c–… are you… crying?” Remus asks, suggestive tone split and watered down into something confused, and surprised, and angry. The younger twin kicks the door shut behind him with his foot, more out of muscle memory than conscious forethought, something that stands with nearly every action Remus executes. Logan turns his head wearily, not lifting it from where it rests on Deceit’s collarbone. The latter of the two takes that chance to clear away some of the tears that didn’t get absorbed into his clothing, hoping that since the stream is slowly dispersing, his cheeks will stay dry this time. Remus slowly approaches, body tense and eyes piercing as Logan’s face is wiped off for the nth time, offering no other sounds or words as he crouches down to examine how the bespectacled side’s skin is rubbed red and sensitive.

Logan just whines softly, stare falling to the bedsheets, observing nothing in particular as he tries to figure out why words are failing him. Something that’s such an intricate part of himself, the communication of thoughts and ideas and knowledge that defines so much of who he is and how he exists, it’s dwindled and diminished into nothing. Deceit seems to understand, he always does, and reads him so perfectly it’s a wonder the two didn’t become closer in the beginning, with how much they truly are alike. A scaled hand makes it’s way up to Logan’s head and cards through the soft, disheveled hair there, scratching lightly at his scalp in a motion that seems to draw the aching tension caused by his distress out of his body, leaving his muscles to relax and melt into the chest that holds him upright.

“Something happened before I came in here. I assume it has to do with the others,” Deceit murmurs into thick, heavy air, stale with shame and tired hopelessness. Remus’ eyes flick to Logan’s own, actively searching for some sort of confirmation or denial. There’s a beat of silence, and Logan’s eyes flutter in a fatigued attempt to stay awake, and the nausea creeps its way into his stomach once again like a predator stalking its prey. Deceit repositions himself quietly, pulling the smaller side impossibly closer, as if he knows that he’ll need the added comfort. With his body squished into a protective embrace, and his tie laying flat on the floor below, forgotten and scorned for what it represents, Logan swallows hard around the sharp block in his neck and nods through his nonverbal affliction.

At the minimal admission, something in Remus’ eyes darkens, bathing the bright craze that typically resides there in something hateful, and vicious, and dripping with chemical absolution. He shifts away, rolls onto his haunches in a way that doesn’t read as entirely intentional, as though he’s been physically forced back with the weight of the confession. There’s so much there, in the way his breath comes out shallow and gravelly and low like a beast biting and snapping at the bars that contain it, fighting against the cage it’s locked inside. Nostrils flare, and jaw sets, and fists clench white as bone, and Remus straightens up to his full height, intimidating and looming and dangerous.

“Who?” he spits, venom coursing through the single word in molten streams. It’s a protective fire, serious in a way Remus rarely is, and the storm in his eyes and aura only becomes more turbulent and intense and solid as he reaches behind himself to slowly seize his morning star from where he keeps it at the ready. Pulling it to the front of him is an unexpectedly slow event, yet still ferocious in its quiet, cold fervour. The silver weapon swings in a steady arc around the side of Remus’ body, catching the dim light in a threatening glint, the gleam alluding to its deadliness in a way that’s almost unexplainable. The spiked mace finally comes to its resting point, hovering in the air just beside the fierce side’s leg, unassuming and ready to drive its way into an unlucky antagonist’s skull.

“I’ll cut their fucking throats. I’ll rip off every single limb from their bodies until they’re nothing but a pile of flesh and blood. They’re gonna pay for this,” Remus snarls, each threat bathed in acrimony and malice and choked by fury ripping through the tempest. Logan stares through misty eyes, half-lidded and concerned but too out of it to muster much of a coherent thought. Thankfully, Deceit is still there, soft and warm and well-equipped to deal with Remus and his behaviour. The snake-like side sighs, reaching out to just barely snatch up a frilly black sleeve, tugging him closer and meeting surprisingly little resistance despite the rigidity of the tallest side’s posture. Each breath from Remus comes out like a bullet, brisk and arduous and punctuated by a pang of impermeable guilt.

Even as Deceit motions Remus to lower himself onto the bed in front of them, the latter of the two is still apprehensive, terse movements and restless eyes that flit between anything and everything they can to avoid stagnation. It’s almost fearful, in a way, primal in its aptitude to think, and cultivate, and vindicate a wrongdoing that was never his fault or responsibility in the first place. Logan hates that they need to save him, hates that he doesn’t truly believe they actually care. There’s a level of certainty with himself and with others that the logical side hasn’t reached yet, and it feels too close and yet too far, kept obscure and secluded and almost clandestine in the way it’s ostensibly unreachable.

With the help of Deceit’s hand to guide his way, Remus slowly lets go of his morning star, tossing it to the side with a pensive, trembling swallow. It clatters to the ground, metallic clang resounding in vibrations, tilde-shaped waves that bounce off the façade and yell out to one another. Muted shrieks upon perfect, flat, neutral paint, sepulchral oscillations attacking the drywall.

“You can’t hurt them. I know you’re angry. I am too. But hurting them won’t solve anything, Rem, you know that more than anyone,” Deceit says meaningfully, smiling in a way that’s sad and distant but caring and compelling and relaxing for the tension wrapped so tightly around the three of them. The snake-like side lifts the hand that’s not in Logan’s hair and reaches out to grab Remus’ own, firmly but gently as he squeezes his fingers in a way that reassures, and consoles, and reprimands, not unkindly. He admonishes, and breaks that anger and frustration, and builds up positivity and alleviation and reprieve from everything that allows that buzzing, ticking, those pinpricks upon pinpricks. His care and concern washes over you, paternal in a different way than Patton operates, and it’s why Deceit is so comforting to be around. He manages a respite from vexation, a refuge in sanctuary, discreet freedom for the flawed, defeated dreamer.

“I’m mad. I’m mad that they hurt you, Lo-Lo. I want them to feel the pain you’re feeling,” Remus mutters, frigid and defeated, head bowed and gaze distant in that transparent manner of his that easily broadcasts all of his thoughts and feelings and wishes. Logan feels the pride welling up in his chest without even realizing it, quietly delighted at the progress Remus has made in being clear and forthcoming with his emotions and impulsivity. A weary grin makes its way onto his face, predictably aggravating the soreness in his cheeks, yet he finds himself indifferent to it, unperturbed by the plight that’s ravaged his body for the day, and probably longer without his notice. He wants to reassure the younger twin, to smile and laugh and brush all of it off, but his eyelids droop, and a pathetic mewl is the only thing able to escape his lungs. Of course, since there’s something Logan wants to say, Deceit somehow knows how to communicate it, just as prompt and courteous and perceptive as always.

“We can talk about this later after Logan has slept. Don’t worry too much, Rem, and don’t do anything stupid. If you get angry again, please go to your paints instead of your legs,” Deceit instructs, more of a suggestion than a demand, but he hopes Remus will listen and be mindful anyway. The latter of the two bounces his leg anxiously, grumbling unintelligibly under his breath as he stands up in one swift, fluid motion. As Remus makes his way over to exit the room, Logan nudges Deceit’s hand with his head gently, trying to bring his attention back to the massaging motion that ceased sometime during the conversation. The snake-like side’s eyes flick downward to meet the smaller side’s own half-lidded, teetering gaze, and he huffs a laugh after a moment of searching. Logan doesn’t know what he finds, but he realizes that he doesn’t really care that much about worrying over every little interaction anymore.

Remus finally turns and glances back as he swings the door open, brows still furrowed and shoulders still hunched, but simply shakes his head and leaves. The door closes much softer than before, thankfully, so as not to be too harsh on Logan’s migraine, an unusually conscientious thought from someone that rarely shows consideration to the needs of others that the logical side appreciates that much more. As the sound of Remus’ footsteps slowly fade with his retreat down the hallway, the two of them left are bathed in silence, one that is marginally less heavy and thick than before.

A small while passes afterward, only punctuated by soft breathing and light scratching noises from nails trailing through messy hair. Logan feels like he might pass out any minute, what with the comfortable, quiet understanding the two have come to rest at, but some part of him says to wait, to push through the mind-numbing exhaustion for just a little while longer. That part of him is probably just being considerate toward Deceit, who Logan can’t imagine would be very comfortable with another side falling asleep on him and laying on him for an extended period of time, but he figures that it’s a good of a reason as any. It’s not about him feeling like a burden. It’s not.

Eventually, Deceit must start to get tired as well, or maybe he’s sore from Logan’s weight on his legs, so he sits forward, apologizing quietly for disturbing the peace, and he moves them into a more comfortable position. The new arrangement is far more snug and cozy than the previous one, Logan thinks drowsily, as his head hits the pillow across from Deceit. They lay there on top of the blankets but make no move to pull them up, just content to stare lazily at one another in the dim, ambient light cast by the desk lamp in the opposite corner of the room.

“Why?” Logan finally asks, and although he loathes disrupting the silence, he needs to ask. The words are scratchy in his tender throat, a charcoal whisper on a steel canvas that scratches and sketches away with nothing viable left to keep through the wind that blows the dark dust off the surface. “Why are you helping me? Why do you care?”

Deceit just hums, sending Logan a weak, distracted smile. He mulls over the words, tossing about the meaning and possibilities in his head and on his silver tongue, rushing in an uncertain river through valleys of golden sand.

“I am self-preservation at its core. I exist to keep Thomas safe and healthy and thriving, and that also means you and the other sides by extension. But… it’s not just that. Even though I feel physical pain whenever one of you or Thomas is hurt, I specifically want to help you because… I care about you, Logan. I love you, and want to see you healthy and happy. I haven’t really been doing a good job of that lately,” Deceit mutters, gaze somewhere on their shared pillow, and there’s a quality to his tone that’s bitter beyond the line of frustration. Although Deceit doesn’t expand on it, doesn’t offer up a single clarification despite the heavy air and his resigned demeanour, Logan gets it. He understands, and he wants to prove him wrong.

So he does.

And that comes in the form of surging forward, fighting against the current, the pinpricks in his stomach and shoulders and abdomen, disregarding the exhaustion for just a little while longer so that he can let Deceit’s lips meet his own. Logan’s so close he can feel the shocked rush of air leave Deceit’s nose, feel the vibrations through the air as his body trembles in fear and anticipation and relief. The other side eases in, sinks closer, closer, and finally moves his lips in a careful, emotional dance that leaves Logan dizzy and breathless, for entirely different reasons that have plagued him for the past day.

“Lo,” Deceit breathes, low, wanting, and he pulls back to give Logan a chance to catch up. A scaled hand comes up to caress the logical side’s cheek, a soothing, cool balm for the raw skin beginning to heal there. “I didn’t… I didn’t think…”

“I love you,” Logan breathes, the words he’s refused to say, to acknowledge, to confront welling up through his throat and for the first time, he lets them spill out. The dam has broken, debris left to descend and submerge in the depths of the sentiment crashing through in a roaring, passionate rapid at the narrowest point yet. The words come, and they don’t stop, and Logan almost can’t believe how right they feel on his tongue. “I love you, I love you, I–I love you so much, Dee.”

Logan is like a rubber band, pulled taut and still and trembling under the pressure. And maybe he’ll split, shoot apart, torn in two pieces that will never fit back together again. But maybe he won’t. Maybe instead of snapping in half, he’ll snap back, and that thought alone gives him a quiet comfort that he’s not used to allowing himself. He’s waiting, hoping, and he’s okay enough for now.

[eshithepetty]

One of the many things that I love about Mob Psycho 100 is how it shows so little, but implies so much about it's characters. This is essential for a relatively short series that's focused mainly on it's protagonist, managing to make every character besides them feel just as complex and important to the story. Some examples:

We're never shown much of how Teruki's parents' absence and dealing with claw members alone has troubled him, but we can infer those causations and consequences from the way he acts in the present, building a coping mechanism out of making himself superior, relying on his powers for support because that's what's saved his life countless times, not to mention his overall moral ambiguity that comes from encountering life-threatening situations without any guidance on how to deal with them. The effects that his fight with Mob had on him are a bit difficult to understand at first, leading to it seeming ridiculous and amusing, but the way he takes on Shigeo's morals in a surface level way, since he admires him for the power he has held in such high regards his whole life, as well as Mob's contradictory, yet undeniably superior outlook to his own, but struggles to understand it deeper since his moral baseline has been so removed due to his circumstances, makes sense and is quite interesting to explore in further detail.

A lot of Shou's actions might be confusing to a viewer not paying attention. He's a fun character for sure, acting like every type of shonen protagonist mashed into one while also wearing a likeness to Johnny Test, but in the world of MP100, the implications of his behaviour and worldview are actually quite tragic. In a series that places utmost importance on portraying kids as kids, here's a boy who's found his life's purpose in taking down an enemy he has come to see as a typical villain, seeing himself as the opposing hero. While he does have a relaxed attitude, he seems to operate on survival mode most of the time, growing up around people who's entire personalities are intervowen heavily with the fact that they distance themselves from society and ordinary life. Despite this, he knows what kindness looks like from his mother, knows that what his father is doing is evil, and is trying to fix it, cause there seems to be noone else sensible or aware enough to do it. This focus on this one monumental task, coupled with the enviorment he lived in, made him skip past his childhood far too quickly, resulting in him getting stuck in a toxic mindset, the only one he knows how to have. It's essential, however, to note that that doesn't make him any less of a child - in fact, his way of thinking is quite immature, despite how self sacrificing it is. And this is wholly because the adults he has grown up along are fundimentally childish.

Reigen is a mash of contradictions. Out of all these characters, he's probably had the most ordinary life, so it makes sense that he's also the character who is most grounded in reality. Despite this, his entire bussiness is built on facade and masquerade, and his personality is reflective of that in his habit of pretending. He's selfish, caring a lot about his own desires and image, and yet he can be downright reckless when it comes to his life with how willingly he enters deadly situations. His firm roots in society often make him seem very lawful good, and to an extent he is, but when it comes to protecting society and dealing with danger that could impact the whole of it, he's a firm believer in being able to just sit it out as long as the issue doesn't involve you specifically. In a lot of ways, Reigen is very relatable to the average person watching. Most people don't take very radical stances on one side or another. We certainly have strong opinions, but those opinions often contradict one another, because we don't usually have the time nor the outlook, or even the need to monitor those opinions to make sure they're in favor of one another. Because noone is ever perfect. Everyone has flaws and cracks and nuances that are really hard to explain, and Reigen definitely showcases all of that.

Upon first impression, Ritsu seemed like he was just going to play a minor supporting role - like the rest of Mob's family, he popped in occasionally, acting as a simple nurturing brother to Shigeo. So when he started his dramatic heel turn, supplying the arc with seemingly planned speeches and story beats that seemed to lead to a cliche rivalry, fans were quick to label him as the token edgy boy. But as fun as it is to lovingly make fun of him, his actions follow a logical progression, from a boy traumatized by his brother's power that he previously admired and expected to become his own, to someone trying his best to deal with those complicated events, starting a diary and trying hard in school as to not worry his family any further. While we all aknowledge that Shigeo supresses his emotions, Ritsu supresses his feelings as well. He doesn't have dangerous fluctuating powers of his own to worry about, but he was terrified of those exploding from his brother, so he cages himself in, not really forming friends at school, avoiding confrontation at all cost, especially around Mob. And, by the point of the anime, he was just so tired. Their parents, as I percieve them, seem to be very average, which fits nicely with Mob's character and how he's just an ordinary middle school boy, but it does lead me to think that, while they supported their sons as best they could after the ???% incident, they weren't well equipped and didn't think to bring the boys some proper therapy, which is why Shigeo had to come to Reigen by himself. And, to an extent, it's understandable - the boys are still sweet to each other, they check in on each other, they don't even fight about it, seems like they're handling this surprisingly well! Right? But conflicts are essential between sibling bonds, or any bonds, really. They're a way to relieve tension, to adress problems that need to be fixed. And Ritsu could find no way to do that in a healthy way by himself.

I could easily go on. There's a lot more stuff to talk about concerning these characters, and it's just so incredible to me how ONE has managed to make them all so fun and ridiculous, and yet so multi-dimensional as well. It makes this series easy to enjoy for casual viewers, ones who just like the main plot, action, humor etc. and don't want the story to be dragged out more than necessary, but still offers tons of insight to gain that more invested and perceptive fans can talk about and discuss for hours on end. Not to mention, I think it adds a lot to the humanity and authenticity of the characters - in real life, people don't get to know every detail of the ones they meet and familiarize themselves with. Instead, learning about and starting to care for someone usually comes through random moments of insight and clarity, of jokes and scary moments of intimacy, of little confessions. And Mob Psycho 100 is essentially all about the ways that people interact with one another, isn't it?