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cutebutahandful · 1 year ago

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in which u r a jellyfish in the shape of a man (spineless)

i told myself i didn't want to spend another year having to pour out the love and anger and hurt from tyler but lately a couple things have been ringing in my head and won't let go so let me write this out to exorcise it

the first is him telling me "we were never going to work out" after the lawyer's office - the rage i felt when he said that was incandescent. it felt like a huge fuck you after all the effort i put in the relationship which had always felt one-sided to me; this statement made that feel even more real. one of our biggest issues was lack of communication and consistency from him - i hated when he ran away and ghosted me in lieu of actually talking shit out and i hated when he wouldnt tell me his real feelings even when it was glaringly obvious he was mad at me. i thought those were rookie r/ship issues that would get better with time bc it was obvious he had legacy r/ship issues he hadn't healed from but i didnt rly care bc it wasn't like i had zero baggage either, i was happy to be there and work it out with him. i also rly hated that he didn't plan for our dates/impt celebrations and it was always me coming up with things 2 do even after i told him multiple times it was important to me. it's actually whack that when i told him that, he said, "yes but i come for every date even though I'm tired from work" and he made me feel so bad about it - i rly dk why I thought that was something acceptable!!!! B said tylr was just emotionally dense and tylr did tell me that he was trying the hardest he'd ever tried so i just thought he didn't kno how 2b a good boyfriend but that it would work out bc at least he said he was trying. anw it clearly didnt work out so i should've gone with my gut and dipped instead of fruitlessly following my heart or believing in the best of him. this also felt like him minimizing what I do/feel again so i guess that's why it was so triggering - the fact that he reduced his infidelity and betrayal of trust to "I should've shown more care to you in ur vulnerable moments" literally what the actual fuck. how do u minimize talking shit abt ur pregnant girlfriend, revealing her secrets to ur friends, making fun of her with rbkh and checking out s*x workers at massage parlors to "i should've shown more care" - is basic empathy out of ur wheelhouse

"we were never going to work out" is such a defeatist statement and it rly hurt bc it felt like everything i did ultimately didn't matter because he had already made up his mind that we weren't going to last. it explains why he betrayed my vulnerabilities and secrets and spoke badly about me behind my back to his friends though - in his mind, i was never end game so what did a little mudslinging matter lmao. i think the words sting also bc the defeatism showed i was not someone he felt was worth fighting for and that obv hurts coming from someone whom you love with all your heart - to know you matter so little when you've invested everything and more into him is more than a little heartbreaking. the anger also comes from all his lies - both in manipulating me and in presenting false/half-true narratives to his friends. i really h8 my naivete in believing him (even when i felt things were off) and i now recognise that that was pure manipulation/gaslighting - him blatantly lying about shit that he did to me and making me believe that i was unsound. he'd get mad at my rxn to the fuckshit he did then ran with that 2 rbkh lmao.

in tandem with "we were never going to work out" was him saying "i've fought for the relationship" which was the biggest lie ever and smth i know he texted jsut so he could screenshot it to his friends to look good. the real truth is the complete opposite bc i rarely felt that he had my back/was in my corner. i felt like an option rather than a priority, and it was compounded by him placing everyone else above my needs/caring what other people had to say about certain issues, but not my viewpoint even when they were issues that affected our relationship. how many times had he ignored me when I was in hospital or needed him to talk to me about whatever issues we were facing lmao. i had to watch him do things he hardly did for me: plan activities for his friends/colleagues, gift them the same things he gave me and show up for them in a way he didn't for me.

i hated him valorising his ""efforts"" in front of other people because they werent true - how are you fighting for our relationship when you bring our issues to other people (and dont even discuss it with me after), how are you fighting for our relationship when you won't plan for a future with me (but discuss how i should finance the mortgage with your friends instead of me), how are you fighting for our relationship when you and rbkh were making fun of your girlfriend when she was preggers lol i also hated that he said buying the condo was his Grand Gesture of Love for me when the truth was the opposite - it was me asking what our future was going to be/look like + when he initially talked about the condo, it was right after we got back tgt aft our first breakup and he meant it for himself (which is valid, and so was me asking what that meant for our future/if there was a place there for me) ((also i found out that the desire for getting his own place was sparked by rbkh getting a place of her own)) (((and his ultimate decision to choose the place was bc it was less than 10 mins away from his ex, the one he'd been texting behind my back throughout our relationship))) i haven't even touched on the massage parlor girls he has on his phone or his propensity to look for leaked discord/OF n00dz or the miscarriage but i dont think im ready to talk about it yet here

i actually have a lot more 2 say but i cried my feelings out already so i think im gucci but the tldr to this is that cowardice is tylr's trademark and no amount of cosplaying as a good person will erase the BS he put me through

#fucktylerhours

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