#Quantum Theory For babies is a real book FYI

[biographydivider]

Jellybean

For @acewithapaintbrush​, who was disappointed that the baby sibling in the background isn’t canon.

“Welcome one and all to Puppet History --!”

“Professor, keep it down. Sensitive ears, remember?”

“Oh - oh, right, yeah, sorry Mom. Okay. Today,” The Professor whispered, resting his tiny (but not as tiny as it had once been) nose on the crib’s railing, “we’ll be taking an ever-winding look at yet another chapter in the heavy heavy book we call history, while our guests ruthlessly compete for the coveted cup, and the title of History Master. I am, of course, your beloved host and big brother, The Professor!”

He held for applause that never arrived. Instead, someone blew a raspberry. He wasn’t sure who it was, but assumed it was Ryan and mentally took off a History Point, just to be safe.

“Uncle Ryan, are you ready?!”

“Not quite sure how you roped me into this,” Ryan said from the other side of the crib, idly spinning a teething ring around one finger, “but yeah. Sure.”

“Special guest and baby puppet/dinosaur hybrid Jellybean, are you ready?!”

Lying in the crib on her back - holding her tiny, fuzzy, orange feet in her tiny, fuzzy, orange claws - The Professor’s baby sister gazed up into his eyes with all the love and innocence in the world, and farted.

“Then let’s crack in! Dun Duuunnn!” The Professor flailed his arms, and Jellybean giggled.

A baby sister had been a...surprise. But it wasn’t like The Professor’s life could get much weirder. He knew his parents had a, uh, robust romantic life. But he really wasn’t expecting to come home from filming one day to find them waiting for him at the door, giving each other goo-goo eyes and talking about something very, very important they had to show him in the spare room.

“Now that asteroidation isn’t an issue,” his dad had said, “your mother and I wanted to make the family a little bigger.”

“Plus, you weren’t exactly a normal birth, baby,” his Mom had added. “I wanted to experience the full, natural journey to motherhood; from a night of loving, mindless passion with your father right the way through incubation, ending with a brand new baby to care for.”

“And we always thought you’d make a wonderful big brother.”

“You...you thought that about me?” The Professor asked, gazing at the egg sitting in a pile of cut grass his Mom had hoarded just the week before - payment for Dad running the lawnmower over Ryan’s mom’s lawn in readiness for Too Many Spirits 2023. The Professor had asked her what she was doing, and she’d just chuckled at him and told him he didn’t need to know. Which was dumb - he was The Professor! He needed to know everything.

“Of course we did, baby!” his mother said, wrapping him up in a big hug. “You’re so intelligent and creative - and so cute - what better role model could a lil’ dino baby ask for?”

“Aw, guuuuuuys...”

Her name was Scout. But even before she’d hatched, her big brother had always called her Jellybean.

“Now,” The Professor began, “do either of you have any experience with teddy bears?”

“Actually,” Ryan piped up, “I have a real cute story about this bear that my grandpa --”

“Gahbaghabababa!” Jellybean squealed, her tail thumping against the mattress of the crib as she made a grab for the copy of Quantum Theory For Babies that The Professor had bought her when she was born. She liked to chew on it while she thought.

“That’s a really good point,” The Professor cried. “You know, I hadn’t thought about that! A jellybean for the baby sister!”

“Beeee!”

“That’s right; a bean! You’re so smart.”

“Hey!” Ryan complained, picking up a blankie and lobbing it over the top of the crib at his friend. “I thought we were leaving favouritism behind us, Professor?”

“We are!” The Professor insisted, dodging the projectile with ease. “She just made a really good point.”

“Sure she did.”

“Anyway; our story today is about a President, a defenseless cub, and how capitalism really just can’t just leave things alone. This is the story of the very first teddy bear!”

“Of course,” Ryan grumbled, “when it’s for the channel it’s cannibalism and propeller butchery; but she gets literal softball topics...”

“She’s a fuckin’ baby, dude - what do you expect?”

“Language, son!” came a call from the living room. “You can play with the baby as long as you behave.”

“Oh. Right. Sorry, Dad.”

The Professor looked down into the crib at his sister, who smiled back up at him. There was a glint in her eye that he knew very, very well. A chaotic, fun-loving, too-clever-for-their-own-good sparkle. He had a feeling that, between them, there would be a lot of time for mischief when she got a bit bigger. As well as a lot of learning.

“So, anyway, our story begins...”