#Qcard oneshot

[centipede-rain]

Another trial (Q Star Trek crack oneshot, another trial Au)

Q has talked about Picard being “one of a kind” “perfect” and “unique” one too many times and the Continuum decides to start another trial, this time with representatives that represent their species more accurately. Now two unlucky “normal” members of starfleet get the questionable honor of trying to convince the continuum not to snap humanity out of existence.

(the idea for the new trial Au is from yourbuerokrat2 who is really awesome for letting me use it)

Link to the AO3 version: https://archiveofourown.org/works/34278997

“Congratulations! At this point in linear time, you are the most mediocre person working for Starfleet and have therefore been appointed a representative of humanity in the upcoming second trial of humanity.“

The tall figure in the dramatic red robes stares down at me patronisingly, but thankfully ignores my unmanly shriek at his sudden presence in my quarters.

I am barely able to hear the words through the sound of my heart beating frantically in my chest, let alone understand them. I just wanted a goddamn midnight snack. This has to be a nightmare.

“Wha..?“

“i can’t believe how I lucky I got with Picard. Are you always this dense? Or is today special somehow?“

I drop the chocolate bar in shock. This can’t be happening.

“You are… Q. And you are in my room.“

He rolls his eyes in exasperation.

“Yes, that much is obvious.“

“What the fuck? Oh my god.“

“Well, not exactly your god, but correct too. Do you need a minute?“

I ignore how the world is spinning out of control and let myself fall down on the nearest chair.

What did he say again? Something about another trial of humanity? Oh shit.

“But I… I thought Picard passed all the tests already?“

Q wishes a chair (more like an extravagant throne) into existence and drapes himself across it dramatically, the angle of his limbs just slightly anatomically incorrect enough to be disturbing.

I suppress a shudder.

“He did. Of course he did. Sadly the continuum has decided that since he is, as I have oh so foolishly said, “the best human alive”, his success therefore cannot reflect on humanity itself.”

It takes my tired brain a few seconds to grasp the true, horrible indication of his words.

“Oh shit.”

“Indeed.”

“Am I really the most mediocre person in all of starfleet?”

“I don’t feel like we’re getting somewhere with this conversation, but yes. You are.”

“Oh. Can I say no to this whole “representative” job? You have no idea how much I suck at stuff like that.”

Uncomfortable silence.

“I may be an idiot..”

Q rolls his eyes. “But?”

“No but. I’m pretty sure I’m an idiot. I can’t do this. Please don’t make me do this.”

“You can decline of course. But the other person appointed is…. well, let’s just say he is a volunteer for this position, and he is extraordinarily… let’s say confident in his skills. I would strongly advise you to do your best if you don’t want all of humanity to die.”

His dark gaze suddenly reminds me that despite his harmless behavior he could still make me vanish with just a thought, or bring my very nightmares to live.

Where the fuck is Picard when you really need him. Please come and protect me from your creepy ass alien.

“Josh. I’m not going to lie to you. The continuum was planning on using just Jeremy as the representative of humanity, but since the few humanoids I’ve unfortunately become rather attached to would be severely upset by the extinction of their race, and since I’m not totally innocent of this renewed danger to your race, I’ve objected. I’ve convinced the continuum to add someone who is neither a pinnacle of righteousness, nor despicable. But that’s all I can do to avoid your extinction.”

My mind is reeling with urgent questions, but all that comes out of my mouth is:

“But I suck at taking responsibility and interacting with people. And I’ve never convinced anyone of anything on purpose in my entire life.”

Qs carefully aloof expression turns into a frown at the sheer hopelessness in my voice.

“Well, then I suggest you learn it very quickly. The trial will start in exactly three days.“

And then I am once again left alone in my room, the chocolate bar laying abandoned on the floor as the weight of the situation hits me with full force.

“Oh joy.” I manage to say sarcastically, before my mental breakdown demands my full and undivided attention.

T I M E S K I P

After three days, which went by much too quickly, I find myself standing in a courtroom which logically shouldn’t exist.

It does though, and I don’t like it.

From what I‘ve found out about Picards first encounter I should at least be grateful that there aren’t any drugged soldiers or crowd crying out for violence. It seems to be some sort of old fashioned courtroom from the 20th, maybe 21th century.

That doesn’t stop it from being my personal nightmare though.

„Jeremy Jaeger, Josh Middleton

In this trial we will determine whether humanity is a cruel and savage child race, or whether it should be allowed to continue existing.”

I stay silent. What is one even supposed to answer to that?

Thanks, it’s a great honor that the annihilation of my species will be my fault? I’m very thankful that no one will be alive and able to be mad at how much I fucked up?

No thank you. I’d rather stay silent and hope Jeremy says something fitting.

“Y’all made a great choice with me! This will be over in no time. I’m not some sissy like Picard, so humanity really doesn’t have to worry about me fucking it up like he did.”

I stare at him incredulously. On second thought, maybe it would have been better if we had both stayed silent. It’s becoming horrifyingly clear what Q meant with “very confident”.

At Jeremys stupid stupid comment about Picard I can see Qs impassive face darken considerably, which is not. Good.

The four other people in judge outfits start to snicker, which Jeremy either gracefully ignores or really doesn’t notice. I don’t know which is worse.

“Uhhhh, what he meant to say was that we are very thankful for this opportunity to prove humanities worth, and that we’ll try our best and hope-“

Ignoring my venomous look, Jeremy decides to interrupt me.

“That was NOT what I said! Don’t make us look weak in front of them you idiot!”

“But we are!”, I can’t help but hiss at him, which makes the representatives of the continuum snicker even louder.

“Jeremy, please take this seriously if you don’t want everyone to die!”

“But I am taking this seriously! And if you hadn’t interrupted me like the imbecile you are I’d already have demonstrated humanities superior intellect.”

“What the fuck Jeremy, are you seriously-“

One of the other judges, Chad Q as I’ve secretly decided to call him, clears his throat, rudely interrupting my crisis.

(Picards Q is obviously a gay theatre nerd. Oh god please make that none of them are reading my thoughts right now. Shit.)

“You shall let Jeremy speak, I’m very interested in what he has to say…”

Jeremy puffs up his chest like a bird during a mating ritual. I sit down and put my head into my hands. There’s no use arguing with someone that sees you as a guinea pig and would just love to turn you into one, should a possibility arise. So with a triumphant smile and way too much confidence, Jeremy continues.

“As I was saying… that Picard did it all wrong at farpoint. He should’ve just killed Zorn and then used the station animal thing to lure the other one in, so they could use them both for star fleet. I mean obviously they’re just animals right? So they should have been used accordingly.”

I have to force my mouth to stay shut. How the fuck am I supposed to explain to him that he should care about other life forms? Or that we, as humanity, aren’t anything but animals to the continuum either?

“But no, Picard just had to live in his fantasy world of “all should be treated equal”. Fucking moron. Like Darwin, a famous human genius once said, survival of the-“

But I can’t hold myself back anymore.

“Oh my god Jeremy, I’m literally begging you to shut the fuck up. Please. You’re going to get us all killed with your supremacist bullshit. And Darwin. Really? That’s your great example in a trial about whether the continuum, a stronger race should annihilate humanity, a weaker one? Have you ever read anything by Darwin? Oh my god, we’re all going to die. I wish Picard was here.”

Only then do I realise where I am, what I’ve just said, and that five god like entities and one asshole are staring at me in shock.

Shit shit shit shit. Shoulda kept my stupid mouth shut. Dammit.

“Uhm. Sorry I interrupted you though”, I add hastily, as I see the dark look Chad Q is giving me.

Please don’t turn my into a guinea pig.

Finally Picards Q, who seemed more than a little worried during Jeremy’s speech, breaks the highly uncomfortable silence.

“Jeremy Jaeger. Is there anything you would like to add to your statement.”

Jeremy glares daggers at me. I flinch.

“I would like to add that Josh can **** my **** and then *****!“

Q shrugs.

“That does not seem very relevant to this case, but rest assured that it is duly noted. Well then, Josh. What do you have to say in defense of humanity.”

I try my very best not to be intimidated, but I fail miserably. The rage induced bravery I felt earlier is completely gone now.

“I, uh…. first of all I’d like to know whether I’m allowed to ask Picard to come here as a witness.”

“No.” Say four of the Q in unison.

“Worth a try. So, uhm, I actually prepared a power point presentation on why I think humanity should be allowed to stay. Can I.. can I use it?”

At their confused agreement I ignore my panic and take the Padd out of my bag with trembling fingers, promptly dropping it to the floor with a loud clatter. I suppose now is not the time to tell them that I am afraid of speaking in public.

Dammit, I don’t even know how I got through star fleet academy. I had a panic attack during every single exam and can’t remember having learned anything helpful ever.

Okay. Fuck star fleet, it’s time to revive my elementary school “I did not read the book for this book report” bullshittery skills. I can do this.

“Uhh. Dear audience. Welcome to my power point presentation on why you shouldn’t kill all of humanity.”

I press a button on my Padd and it starts projecting a giant holographic kitty into the room. An adorable one.

“Point one: Who is going to take care of all the pets? Doesn’t the Continuum have some kind of law against harming innocent bystanders? I mean just look at her. Her name is Liz, which is short for lizard.”

The continuum does not look convinced.

Picards Q is facepalming in agony.

Well sorry I’m not a fucking diplomat mate, I’m doing my best here.

“Is the safety and happiness of companion animals really the only argument you can think of?”, Chad Q asks. I don’t like him.

“Well, not the only one. But it’s one of them I guess.”

A Q which has been silent until now, one in female form, speaks up.

“Your argument is as mediocre as you are, but nonetheless valid, human. Very well, so be it. If we indeed decide to stop your foolish existence all companion animals will be cared for.”

Well, that’s not what I intended, but nonetheless a win. If we all die at the end of this nightmare, at least I’ve managed to do some good here.

“Thanks. Humanity appreciates that.”

Silence.

“Boldly on to point two then!

Haha.”

I can feel the sweat pouring down my back and my clammy fingers clutch the Padd even tighter.

“Right. I literally don’t think it can get worse than it already was in the past. So it can only get better, right? I mean, aren’t you curious where this leads?”

I force a smile, which probably looks even more fake than it feels. Why the fuck didn’t I manage to think of any better arguments during the three days I had?

I wish I could’ve asked someone for help, but as soon as I tried to comm my Captain about it Q reappeared and begrudgingly told me that all ideas for the trial had to come from me personally, without any outside help.

That’s why I panicked a solid 80% of the time instead of using it to find good arguments.

Scary Q speaks up again. I really can’t tell what her expression is supposed to indicate.

“Your defense of humanity is that it has… done horrible things in the past? Do I understand that right?“

I‘m starting to feel like I might faint any moment now. I wonder what they would do. Just magically unfaint me with their scary ass powers? No thank you

“If you say it like that it makes a lot less sense.”

“Right. Please tell me you have other arguments.”

“I do, but I’m not sure you like them any better. Diplomacy and negotiating have never been my strong point, so sorry about that I guess.”

She stares at me, stone faced.

“Anyway: don’t you think it would be much more hilarious if you let humanity live and one of our stupid plans backfired and killed us all in the end? Poetic justice or something? Worthy of a good old „I told you so?“

To my surprise, most of the Qs actually seem to agree, nodding and whispering with each other. I wonder why they whisper since they are a literal hivemind, but good for them I guess . Maybe they just like the drama of it all. At least someone is having fun here I guess, because I sure ain’t.

“Plus, all the weird stuff we do in our free time has to be entertaining even to you. Someone’s made a furby organ. 500 people worked together to make the most gigantic cookie ever. Everyone knows all the lyrics of bohemian rhapsody and just has to sing along whenever it’s on. Have you ever heard of Freddie Mercury?”

“Yes,” answers Picards Q derisively. “I enjoy his music, especially another one bites the dust. Too bad I can’t relate.”

I decide to ignore his comment completely, because I’m not sure how diplomatic it would be to call him fuckface McAsswipe.

I do have new respect for the crew of the enterprise though.

“Even humans a hundred years ago were so in love with the stars that they put themselves in shitty metal boxes and shot themselves into space, even though they didn’t know if they could survive out there. They were just too curious and hopeful, searching for new friends, life out there, a sign that they weren’t all alone in this cold and vast universe. And we found so many of them eventually.

Sorry we aren’t all smart and powerful and cool like you, but we’re trying our best and exploring stuff and making friends and holding hands when things get scary. And I think that’s pretty cool.”

Shit. Was that too much? Please not a guinea pig, at least choose something manly like a husky or… a horse.

Without me asking it to, my brain immediately and oh so helpfully adds “..and there’s a horse loose in the hospital!”

I never should’ve watched ancient earth entertainments. Why am I like this.

The scary Q (or more correctly, the one that is even scarier than the other ones) speaks up again.

“Is this all you have to say in your defense?”

I wince. It isn’t much, as I am painfully aware, but for the death of me, I can’t think of anything else.

“Yes your honor.”

She nods, grim expression.

Then a thought hits me.

“Actually one more thing. I think if y’all didn’t accept Picard as a representative because he was too good, then you shouldn’t accept Jeremys testimony either, as he’s an idiot.”

Jeremy jumps up from his seat where he has been quietly pouting, but Picards Qs glaring silences him immediately.

“It is irrelevant how suited Jeremy Jaeger is for this position, as he is a volunteer. Is that all?”

Shit. Shit fucking damnit. I don’t want everyone to die just because some fucking idiot had to start a pissing contest with a bunch of gods. There has to be something, anything I have missed. What would Picard do?

Flirt with Q? Haha no. That would be a perfect way to die even faster.

Then it hits me. A silver lining.

Like a literal angel my old and half dead history teacher Mister Addams comes to me, reciting with monotonous voice some boring old law.

And didn’t the laws of the time the court was in work at farpoint? Of course it wasn’t very helpful, since the court was from a cruel, chaotic and almost lawless time, but still….

Maybe I could…

“Hey Jeremy, listen to me. Football sucks major ass and is for pussies like you who can’t even pack a punch.”

That’s enough to set him off. With a furious expression he jumps up from his chair and tackles me to the ground, slamming his fist straight into my face.

The stars I see are not the stars I planned to explore when joining star fleet, but I settle for the faint hope that this might work as I ignore the overwhelming urge to fight back, to get him off me and make the blinding pain stop.

Then, quite suddenly, the weight on top of me is gone, and the punches stop. I can’t feel my face, but I can very well taste the copper in my mouth.

I wait for the world to stop swaying and try to push the pain away like they tell you to in the academy. “in serious situations, you cannot afford to be distracted by pain.” well I damn well am, and this meditation shit isn’t working. Whatever.

I get up, and notice with some satisfaction that a still furious Jeremy is shackled to his chair.

The continuum stares at the both of us with a mixture of horror, amusement and pure confusion.

“How is this spectacle supposed to make us believe that humanity isn’t violent, savage and childish?”

I speak up, and oh shit my nose is most definitely broken.

“So we’re not in an illusion but in a real 21. century court right? Because I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to punch people in court, and am thereby proposing to relieve Jeremy Jaeger from his duties as representative of humanity, thereby making his testimony irrelevant for this trial.”

If there are any benevolent gods out there please please make this work because I don’t know what the fuck else to do.

After a short consultation, which actually seems to be done telepathically this time, Picards Q speaks up, with just the barest hint of admiration is his voice.

“We have decided to allow it. Jeremy Jaeger, you are hereby disqualified.”

And then he is just… gone. Where he was a second ago now is nothing but an empty chair. I really hope they sent him home, but I am honestly not sure. He did say some very bad things about Picard.

Then I am hit full force with the weight of what I have just done. I actually managed to make them see his testimony as irrelevant? I can’t believe it. Someone give me a fucking medal please. Or maybe a bottle of vodka instead, but not that replicated shit.

But no, I can get wasted as soon as (or more accurately if) I survive this. Now I need all of my dubious brainpower to convince them to leave us the fuck be.

“Josh Middleton. We have found your reasons for the continuing existence of humanity satisfactory, if not very convincing. Since we are currently at a draw with two votes for extinction, two votes for acquittal and one abstention we will settle this one and for all with an intellectual challenge.”

I almost choke on my own spit (not a very honorable death, also very embarrassing).

Intellectual challenge? That’s the only thing I‘m even worse at than negotiating!

Why couldn’t it be something like a test of morality or something? I may not be smart but at least I‘m kinda nice most of the time.

The scary Q interrupts my mental critique of her choice by simply continuing to explain.

“If you find the answer quickly enough, humanity will be declared innocent of all charges. If you do not, you will be declared guilty and we will act out the punishment accordingly.”

The panic sets in full force now, making any logical or intellectual thinking impossible. We’re so fucked.

I feel like the responsibility is literally choking me.

“What is the meaning of life.”

What kind of fucking bullshit intellectual question is this??? Am I supposed to recite some old earth philosopher? What the hell would the Q want to hear to a question as that?

In blind panic I just blurt out the first thing that comes to my mind, only to immediately regret it.

“Take no shit but do no harm?”

Three of the Q snicker, with the exception of Picards Q, who has his face in his hands .

Scary Q, looks like she is in genuine pain.

“I cannot even come close to explaining how wrong that answer is.”

I can’t fucking breathe, but I gotta say something at least, before it’s too late.

“B-but it was fast right? You didn’t say the answer needed to be correct, just fast!”

Abruptly the court room is silent. Everyone is staring at me as I shrink under their gaze. Will they annihilate me now? Will it hurt? How soon will the rest of humanity follow? And will they really take care of the pets or was that just a joke? Do Q make jokes? Oh god I forgot to feed my cat this morning.

My mind is racing in all kinds of weird directions in its blind panic.

“You… you are right. It seems like you… have managed to pass this test. Not the way it was intended, but nonetheless. Humanity is hereby declared innocent. Congratulations.”

I can’t believe what I’m hearing at first, but then I drop my Padd which I’ve been nervously clutching the whole time.

I can’t believe I’ve done it. I can’t believe how I’ve done it. Picard may not be proud of my methods, but the god of bullshitting your way through life sure would be.

“Thank you your honor. This has been the worst day of my entire life.”

Then I pass out on the spot.

[centipede-rain]

Near the edge of the known

Voilà, the newest part of my Qcard shenanigans series :D

Here’s the AO3 link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/35764102

“We sentence you to 500 years in solitary confinement.“

If someone had asked him this morning how he thought this day would go, hearing these words would have been very close to the bottom of the list of possible responses.

Yes, as a member of Starfleet he could never quite tell what his day would bring, and yes, first contact missions always were a risky thing, but for things to get this out of hand? Well yes, if he is being perfectly honest that isn’t quite that unusual either… just a normal day on the Enterprise actually. But the exact way things went astray this time is still quite baffling indeed.

Granted, they could have spent a little more time preparing for their first meeting, finding more about the Gajeekans culuture and traditions or way of dealing with things.. but it had been quite impossible to discreetly insert someone into their society, with how closely knit their community seems to be. And with the memory of how it went the last time such an attempt had been discovered still fresh in mind, they had decided not to do that this time around. Perhaps a mistake, as he now begins to realize.

He would find it incredibly funny were the situation not so serious, and were there not an important relationship with a newly discovered species at risk.

When the Gajeekans had asked him to meet their god, he had expected to meet a priest, an oracle perhaps, or even a holy statue. But of course it had been nothing like that.

Instead they had just lead him into a lavishly decorated room, quietly waiting there for about half an hour before apparently becoming more and more tense, casting suspicious glances whenever they thought he wouldn’t notice . He’d had half a mind to beam back upon the Enterprise, perhaps leaving the task of securing good relations between Starfleet and the people of Gajki-3 to someone else, but then they had suddenly declared him their prisoner.

They had stated that the only possible explanation for someone who craves attention as much as their god Saqev refusing to meet him at all, is that Picard must be a truly despicable person, certainly with bad intentions towards them too. They (very politely and quite apologetically) took his taser and Combadge from him, leaving him at their mercy. Thankfully the did not seem to be especially violent or cruel, but still…

So here he is now, sentenced to 500 years in prison on Gajki-3, a planet the federation has no prior connection with, and with which all possibilities of positive future relationships have just spectacularly went down the drain. Stuck without a way to contact his crew or defusing the situation without causing a truly unpleasant intercultural incident.

Just wonderful.

What a bureaucratic nightmare this is going to be. And all that because a “god“ whose existence (or godly status for that matter) he very seriously doubts refused to show up for their apparently meticulously planned rendez-vous.

He sighs heavily as the triumvirate continues to stare him down.

“Does anyone except the prisoner have any objections to this verdict?“

Perhaps he could convince them to let him contact Riker, who could function as some sort of legal support? He did do astonishingly good in similar situations before. Or if he could at least be allowed to defend himself.. but it seems like that isn’t something the Gajeekans usually do. Is the risk of offending them by acting against their culture worth the possibility of swaying them?

“Indeed I do.“ says a figure, standing where none has been before, breaking the silence and thus him out of his reverie.

Quite an impressive figure too… white as ice, translucent like glass, all sharp edges and blue swirls covering the surface, which crawl around as if they were living things.

Terrifying, Is the first thing he thinks, but fascinating and beautiful soon follow suit. He just cant help being drawn in by the strange appearance of the lifeform, having always had a fascination with all things unknown and different.

He forcefully rips his gaze away from the swirls (which almost feel hypnotic in nature), forcing himself to remember how serious his situation is at the moment.

“Saqev I presume.“

The being smirks, bemused, eyes of pure black glittering sharply. They have five of them, all staring him down.

“Well yes, I am. Pardon my lacking introduction, I thought it so obvious that even a limited species like you would realize.”

With a strange mixture of horror and fascination Picard watches as the five eyes start to shift, changing places on the face as if they were swimming in some sort of liquid. (Do they?)

What species are they?

“Truly sorry for showing up so late, the truth is that I did not want to come at all. It would have been truly hilarious to watch this a little longer..”

The triumvirate exchanges concerned glances at this statement.

Watching their reactions, he comes to the conclusion (with something akin to relief coursing through his veins) that they do not seem to regard Saqev in fear, more with something like affectionate exasperation and confusion.

That’s not how one would treat a dangerous and cruel tyrant, is it? Perhaps that means that there is still hope to find an agreement that will be satisfactory for both sides…

“Take those chains off of him though. What, are you seriously afraid he’ll attack you? Look at him, as much good as there is to say about him, his physical strength is mediocre at best. I did not teach you to be cowards.”

The Gajeekans seem hesitant.

“But Saqev, he could possess strengths with which to cause us harm. How can we trust him?”

Somehow Saqev looks annoyed yet weirdly fond of the Gajeekans at the same time. It reminds Picard of a parent parent whose child is endearingly stupid.

What a strange relationship, Picard wonders, between a being who claims to be a god, and their people. They seem more like a good natured teacher with their beloved students.

“I personally assure you that this man does not mean cause you any harm. He’s as tame as a lamb most of the time.

Not that he’d be able to do much harm anyway, even if he meant to.”

Something in the back of Picards brain stirs, a thought just out of reach… the grin (however inhuman), the cadence of their voice, the gestures… it all seems strangely familiar somehow. It feels like he’s standing directly in front of a realization he cannot yet grasp.

The feeling is almost tangible, and it drives him crazy that it remains just out of reach.

“Not to seem ungrateful, but who are you? And why are you willing to vouch for my good intentions?”

“I have more names than you could possibly count, and I know just as many things Jean-Luc. However, I would find it much more entertaining if you guessed it yourself.”

Picard blinks in confusion.

So familiar.

He concentrates on the feelings he associates with Saqev for some reason, hoping to come to a conclusion of some sort.

Hm…. not fear no, but something similar, something he cant quite place. Annoyance too, exasperation. But also a very special sort of excitement, and a strong undertone of affection, which surprises him greatly. He’s not very easy to win over after all, with his emotional walls as high as the great wall of china.

Somehow looking at Saqev makes him think of someone smirking, of adrenaline and the unknown.

Saqev winks.

The realization hits him full force. The reason why this being feels so familiar, despite their entirely unfamiliar looks. Their aloof behaviour, the arrogance, the dramatic way of moving their limbs around, their extremely expressive face (moving eyes and all).

Plus there’s only one being in the entire universe that says his name like that.

Could it be?

“Q?”

“I was already wondering when you’d recognize me. Is it because I’m always on your mind that you’ve caught on so quickly?”

“I can’t believe you are actually arrogant enough to make a whole planet believe that you are god. Seriously, thats excessive even for you.”

He casts a quick side glance at the Gajeekans, suddenly worried how they might react to what must seem to them like like pure heresy.

“Oh don’t worry mon Capitaine, they follow the very civilized rule of “if someone insults your god that’s his personal problem”. You humans could learn a lot from them in that matter, a sentiment like that could have prevented quite a lot useless bloodshed.”

The urge to strangle Q keeps getting stronger by the second, but remembering the very important relationship with Gajki-3, which he might completely ruin by physically attacking their deity, he forces himself to stay calm.

No use getting fed up over Qs usual taunting. Especially since he regrettably once again has to depend on the capricious entities whim.

His life certainly isn’t in danger (his brain involuntarily brings back the memory of gentle touches and comforting words, soft, loving eyes… No. He needs to concentrate.) but he certainly wouldn’t put it past Q to disturb the relationship between the Federation and Gajki-3 on purpose, as a practical joke perhaps.

And with his additional influence as, apparently, their beloved deity (as if his ego wasn’t really big enough) it’s certainly within his possibilities to do so, even easier still than it was before. He wouldn’t even have to snap his fingers, a word would suffice.

“Saqev, Who is this creature? You seem to be well acquainted with him already, yet he seems to be at odds with everything you say.” The Gajeekan who has spoken seems oddly curious. It reminds Picard of the mischievous glint in Rikers eyes whenever he has managed to get his hands on an especially juicy piece of gossip.

Q (or currently Saqev, which is just as much his name as Picard begrudgingly admits to himself) casts them an unreadable glance.

“He is my Cemqi’len.”

Picard watches in confusion as the Gajeekans exchange knowing glances.

“I’m your what?”

“Oh, that’s not important right now, is it?”

“I’d say it very much is, considering that it seems to directly concern me.“

How he hates being left in the dark about something.

“Do you want me to leave you to your prison sentence? Because I will not hesitate to let you and your precious crew sort this out yourself.“

After a few very uncomfortable moments of a five eyed ice being staring him down, one of the Gajeekans thankfully interjects.

“Would you two prefer it if we left you alone?”

“That’d be just wonderful, wouldn’t it Jean-Luc?”

They shuffle out of the room, occasionally sneaking glances at him with expressions he can’t quite interpret. As soon as they have left, he turns unceremoniously to Q.

In flash of light, he’s once again in the form Picard has come to associate with the being over time. Soft brown curls, impish smile, Starfleet uniform, lounging lazily on a suspiciously throne-like chair.

”Perhaps I’m more familiar to you like this, although it is as far from my real form as what you have seen and moment ago.”

“Oh, don’t be silly now. I know this is not your real form, and if you think your looks are what makes you familiar to me, you’re even more of a fool than I originally thought.”

In the blink of an eye, Q is dressed in his old monks robes once again, theatrically gesturing at him.

“Heretic! Mayst thou burn on the cross for thy sins!”

Perhaps it would have terrified him once, but now it only makes him chuckle.

“Careful, they might actually listen. They seem really fond of you, “Saqev”. What are you even supposed to be the god of, ice? Glass? Or what’s it with that silly white and blue theme? Or maybe it’s the good old “god of everything” charade?”

He dutifully ignores the glare “icy“ glare sent his way.

“Bold words and a lot of criticism for someone who’d hate being permanently turned into an Eagle.”

“Why an eagle? I always thought I had more of a moose.”

As always completely disregarding the notions of personal space, Q snaps his fingers and is suddenly almost on Picards lap, grinning like a five year old let loose in a candy shop.

“Isn’t it obvious? You’re a bald eagle!”

He hates that he’s validating Qs tomfoolery by smiling at that stupid of a joke, but somehow he cant help himself. Q seems so content with himself, it’s almost cute.

“You’re a peacock then, because you’re overdramatic, loud, obnoxious, and crave attention constantly.”

His snide comment earns him a dramatic gasp of betrayal from Q.

“Really Jmon capitaine? I’ve just singlehandedly saved you from 500 years of imprisonment, and this is how you thank me for it? How rude!”

“Well, let’s not forget that you’re the one who brought me into this situation in the first place But if it makes you happy, fine: I do appreciate your intervention.”

There it is again, that damn provocative smirk he can’t stop thinking about.

“You better do Jean-Luc… you’re in my dominion after all.

Well, technically speaking the whole galaxy is, but this planet even more so.”

“How did it come to this if I may ask? Did you just appear in a flash of light and announced your new status as their supreme deity?”

“I just stumbled across them one day and…. I suppose I took a liking. It happens to the best of us… and if they ask for nothing but my company and occasionally some advice, how am I supposed to decline? They’re precious little things.”

A few months earlier, he would have been truly surprised to hear this. Perhaps he’d even have doubted the truth of this statement.

But a lot has changed since then, and strangely enough he’s come to realize that even Q has surprisingly soft sides to him. He seems to be in noticing them more and more as of lately…

“Well, I’ll leave you to your “first contact” mission then, I wouldn’t want to intrude. I know how much those silly things mean to you.”

Wait, is he really just going to leave? No additional trouble, no games, no conditions? Slightly unsettling to be honest, like waiting for the other shoe to drop.

However, Q has been exceptionally pleasant and accommodating today, and something inside of him how is very reluctant to see the versatile being just leave, perhaps even for multiple months.

And he aches to know more about this fascinating little planet and Qs entanglement with its history….

“Q, I wonder… would you care to dine with me today?”

“Tsk, tsk, tsk… Picard…“

Q fixates him with an unnervingly smug stare,

“I really wouldn’t have taken you for the type of person to just throw yourself at the local god like that…”

That statement, especially accompanied by that unnerving stare makes his face grow very hot, and him severely regret having made the offer in the first place. He should have known better than to have a normal conversation with Q of all people.

“Starve then.”

Obviously he knows that’s not possible, since Q doesn’t even technically need to eat, but it’s the sentiment that counts.

“I didn’t say no Jean-Luc, did I?”

[centipede-rain]

The surreal life (Qcard oneshot)

What if in Qpid, when Q offered to help Picard with his speech, he hadn't declined? What would have gone differently?

Link to the AO3 version: https://archiveofourown.org/works/34899781

“…. I would have taken my own life but for you.”

Picard stares at Q blankly.

Of course he is glad deep down, glad the being (which has brought infinite seas of trouble every single time he showed up on his ship) is still alive and well, just waiting to cause more problems on purpose.

But that doesn’t mean he has to know about that.

We all make mistakes.”

He isn’t quite sure whether the impish smile of humanities judge is a genuine one. Sometimes his face is so expressive, sometimes it’s nothing but a mask for the god-like alien to hide behind.

“Your good deed made possible my reinstatement in the Continuum, and I resent owing you anything. So, I'm here to pay up. Tell me, what is it you wish and I'll be gone.”

Pay up? What for? For not refusing a sentient entity refuge, not leaving them to die in a time of need? For not even noticing he was about to take his life to save them all? For unsuccessfully trying to save him from the calamarain? They did try, but they didn’t accomplish anything.

He has nothing to be indebted for. So why is he really here?

Q doesn’t seem like the sort of person to talk about “debt” easily, but he does follow his word in a twisted sense of the word, so he must have some kind of plan.

“Just be gone. That'll do nicely.”

He does seem sort of agitated now. But surely he must have anticipated him to react like that? When has he ever been willing to accept one of Qs “gifts“, when they were usually either a temptation or brought more problems than good?

“No, no, no, no, no. It has to be something more, more constructive. That's my new word for the day.”

He really doesn’t have the time to fix an egocentric gods ego, he has to get his speech ready. Not only will there be the leading archaeologists of the decade, there will also be Vash. But to his surprise he notices that he isn’t as excited about her presence aboard anymore. Somehow it’s just not the same as on Risa..

“Some other time, Q. Right now I have other matters to attend to.”

“Yes, your speech. I read it. It's dull, plodding, pedantic, much like yourself.”

Now he has Picards attention. He knows he shouldn’t listen to Q, who is probably only trying to get a rise out of him. But dull? What if Q is speaking the truth? He did not say this about other speeches of his… granted, he was on trial back then (and technically speaking still is) but still… the words gnaw at him somehow.

Sensing victory, Q grins.

“I could help you with it.“

So he’s serious about settling this “debt” he keeps speaking about…

It doesn’t seems like he is willing to drop the matter either. Perhaps it would be best to accept his “help“ and get it over with, before he starts throwing a temper tantrum.

It’s only a speech after all. What could go wrong?

What could go wrong. If that isn’t under the top ten of sentences spoken seconds before disaster.

But it does seem safer than letting Q find a more creative way to settle his debt. What if he decides to dig around his head instead, ultimately choosing to fulfill some silly wish like he haphazardly thinks about once upon a blue moon, like cookies with raisins being illegal? The sheer chaos he could accidentally create, trying to “help”….

“Alright Q, help me with my speech if it makes you happy, but afterwards you’re leaving.“

“Splendid!”

The being beams down at him.

“Now, where shall we begin then?”

“Normally I would ask you to read the speech, but since you find it so dull and pedantic, I suppose you’re already familiar with it?”

Annoying how Q can just instantly know everything he has so carefully planned to talk about, simply by wanting to know.

“Of course Jean-Luc! I never decide on a verdict without being familiar with all the facts first. What kind of judge do you take me for?”

Picard tries not to glare at Q, but his diplomatic side looses to his annoyance.

“Am I supposed to answer truthfully? You might not like the answer very much.”

Thankfully Q only laughs, obviously delighted by their little exchange of blows. He genuinely seems to enjoy their little quarrels, and he supposes that’s probably better than the alternative.

“Why so rude, mon capitaine? Your manners are always so impeccable with other people, even with Troi’s mother, who I know for sure you despise conversing with! You must really like me, to make an exception…“

Picard sighs ignoring Qs highly suggestive wink. Why must he be so damn irritating?

“Either you make yourself useful or leave me alone. I have to hold this speech tomorrow, and I would like it to be perfect”

Q narrows his eyes.

“Before you do anything, I should probably point out to you that that was merely an exaggeration. I don’t require it to literally be “perfect“, so don’t get too excited..”

“Oh, you were using a hyperbola then! How fancy!”

“I suppose stylistic devices are as good as any place to start. How much do you know about them?”

“Well, since exactly now…” (Q snaps his fingers dramatically,) “..absolutely everything. Wow Jean-Luc, this is incredibly boring and tedious.”

“No one is forcing you to stay, you know. I will do just fine without you.”

“You wound me! I have a debt to-“

“Yeah yeah,” Picard interrupts, his patience finally running out.

“I get it. Now can we please concentrate on the matter at hand? Oh great, magnificent Q, share your infinite knowledge about pedantic speeches with me, and I shall surely be eternally grateful.”

The way Qs dark eyes glint at that statement immediately make Picard regret his outbreak.

“What a truly dangerous thing to say to a Q, mon capitaine, you’re truly lucky it’s just good old me.”

“I don’t feel very lucky yet.”

He is playing a dangerous game, he knows that. But first the problems with Vash, now Q being aboard solely to criticise his speech. It’s just too much.

“You will in time, believe me.“

After a moment of silence, he adds:

“I think you should add more metaphors, they will liven it up a bit. Break the boring flow of facts.”

Picard considers this for a moment.

“Are you sure? I don’t want to come across as unprofessional.”

“Just trust me. Add one… hmmm…” he points at one of the longer paragraphs

“Right here.”

Picard makes a mental note to review that idea later. Of course he’d rather do this alone, but why not take the offered help if he has to bother with Q one way or another?

“Alright, anything else?”

The entities smile widens.

“I’m so glad you asked! Do you want my suggestions for improvement in alphabetical order, or rated by the percentage of probability of you accepting them?”

Alright, he is already regretting this whole arrangement.

“I really don’t care. Let’s just get this over with.“

Q dramatically unrolls an ancient looking pell, which comically keeps on getting longer, rolling across the floor of the ready room.

This bastard is really using cartoon logic just to make fun of me.

His presumably very rude reply to Qs antics is interrupted by the chime of the door.

“Enter.“

It’s Riker, whose confident stride abruptly comes to a halt once he sees Q.

“Captain, what is Q doing here? Should I alert security?”

He opens his mouth to answer, immediately being interrupted by Q.

“What could one of your puny security teams possibly do against me? Think before you speak, Riker”

Deciding to ignore Q just as Riker is currently doing (petty but effective) he answers his first officers question.

“This is his version of doing “something nice” for me. He’s trying to help me with my lecture about Tagus three.”

Riker nods, his gaze conveying nothing but empathy and understanding for his situation.

“I’ll alert the crew.”

Q rolls his eyes as the door swishes shut.

“Our dear Riker, always so charming.”

“I do believe that there are quite a few individuals out there that would agree with your sentiment.”

He almost laughs at Qs scandalized expression.

“Jean-Luc! I never thought you to be so profane!”

His scandalized expression then turns into a devious smirk.

“I like it though.”

Ignoring this last quip, he scans the unending list of ideas Q has for spicing up his lecture. Most of which are no doubt completely counterproductive, but he still can’t help his curiosity.

“I’m curious. Out of your suggestions, which is the one I’m least likely to accept?”

“Suggestive background dancers in the traditional gowns of Tagus three.”

He can’t suppress the chuckle this time.

“I can’t even come close to explaining to you how disrespectful that would be to their culture.“

“But it would be fun, wouldn’t it?”

“Indeed.”

“Is that a yes?“

“It’s a strict no.“

T I M E S K I P

“Well, your lecture is certainly better now, but… it still lacks a certain something. Hmmm……”

Now if only Q wasn’t looking like the exact real life replica of a scheming cartoon villain right now…

“Why do I get the feeling that you’re about to suggest something I don’t like.“

The alien’s impish grin is decidedly not a good sign.

“I know! Your speeches are always impeccable when you have to defend something! So, for the sake of the lectures quality you are hereby on trial to defend the ruins of Tagus three. To win them the right of continuing their existence, you must only convince your cherished audience, me, of how interesting and historically important they are.”

Picard stares at him incredulously.

“Surely you must be joking.”

Q snaps his fingers, changing his captains uniform to his red judge robes, blue lipstick and all.

“Am I really, Jean-Luc? Do you really want to find out?”

Picard is like 80% sure he wouldn’t actually make the ruins disappear.

Okay, maybe 50%, you never know with Q.

Better safe then sorry, he supposes. I wanted to practice one more time anyway

T I M E S K I P

As soon as he has said his last words, the room is filled with roaring applause. The nervous weight in his chest is finally replaced by a feeling of accomplishment and pride.

As much as it pains him to admit it, Q did prove helpful in spicing up his lecture after all.

As soon as he has left the podium, someone hands him a glass of champagne, while others are already complimenting him, shaking his hands and asking for his opinion on their own theories.

A young blonde archeologist brings him back to reality by staring at him questioningly.

“Sorry?“

She smiles sheepishly.

“I asked how you managed to prepare such a good speech on such a short notice. It’s certainly an impressive feat.“

“Well, I must admit, I did have a bit of divine help, if you can call it that.“

She cocks her head, curious.

“How curious, I'd never have taken you to be a religious man.“

He chuckles lightly.

“Sometimes you just don’t have a choice.“

[centipede-rain]

“..and Q?”

“You are just going to tell me to get off your ship, aren’t you? I didn’t even do anything this time! Okay, I admit I might have accidentally endangered your relations to that species a little, but I apologised! I even tried to help as an apology!”

Picards stern expression gives way to a slightly softer expression, which is stern as well. Q did indeed prove to be quite helpful this time around.

“I was actually going to tell you that sometimes having you around isn’t so bad after all.”

Q momentarily stops what he was doing (fiddling around with Picards Padd in the most annoying way possible) and slowly turns towards Picard.

“I dare you to say that again.”

Unnerved by Qs sudden graveness, Picard immediately tries to backpedal. Did he perhaps read the room wrong? Did he overstep any boundaries?

“I apologise, I did not intend to offend you.”

Qs eyes are as wide as saucers, but after an additional five seconds, he finally seems to regain a little of his usual composure.

“No, I meant literally say that again.”

“… having you around is not so bad sometimes, if you’re not causing problems on purpose?”

Picards slight feeling of nervousness the sudden change in Qs behavior evoked, has given way to confusion at the others odd request.

“You… like having me around?”

Picard is about to retort very sarcastically, but the uncharacteristic vulnerability on the others face makes him reconsider.

“You are alright sometimes I suppose. Why the sudden questions? You’ve often told me that you couldn’t care less about my opinion.”

“Yeah, but I said that when I was still thinking that you despised me! And now you say that you tolerate my presence? Mildly appreciate it even? The heavens are smiling upon me!”

Q really shouldn’t look as deliriously happy as he does… but it would be a shame to ruin his good mood now. Perhaps better to gently nudge the conversation into a more productive direction.

“If you didn’t always cause trouble for me and my crew I would appreciate your company even more..”

But the entities impish smile tells him that his efforts of turning their coming encounters a little more civil seem to be of no use at all.

“Don’t worry Jean-Luc, I know you secretly love that I spice up your exceptionally boring missions with my magnificent presence. It would be terribly sad to stop doing that, and luckily for you I have no intentions whatsoever to do so!”

Picard rolls his eyes, but to his surprise he is indeed smiling. The smug bastard has a point. As long as no one is hurt or endangered, a little goose chase then and when truly isn’t that despicable.

“Worth a try.”

I like to angst, but I can’t deny that if Picard ever reciprocated let alone ever say that he liked/loved him Q would be so deliriously happy on the inside that the universe as a consequence would become a bit of a better place. 

[diavolt]

I AM IN LOVE WITH THIS CONCEPT someone needs to write this at once 😭😭

someone write this as a Qcard fic and then they don’t know the true identities of the other- Picard picks an alias because he’s PICARD and doesn’t want his image tarnished by everyone seeing him on tinder, and Q obviously isn’t even a human and he just did it for a laugh picking an alias but then got invested