#Psychosis Ed no one appreciates you like I do……..

[cowchickenbeefpork]

tbh I think Gotham Ed would’ve worked better if the writers portrayed him as more so driven by proving that he’s smart than driven by a actual search for knowledge deep down. I know i know a lot of riddlers are that but he just. Doesn’t read like that to me??????????? This isn’t me saying the writers shouldn’t make him smart, but if your going to write him count as insane then incorporate the need to fucking prove how smart he is when he’s doing that shit?????? Why are you making him do illogical actions that don’t tie into that like yeah you don’t have to make it make sense logical he is insane when he gets into those moods BUT OH MY GOD KEEP HIS LOGIC CONSISTENT GUYS

I feel like if they were consistent about him needing to prove he’s smart and justifying irrational behaviour by some bullshit he’s convincing himself he’s doing then his relationships with others romantically or whatever would make more sense too. Why is the man who thinks love is a weakness not bothered deep down by how intimidate he’s getting???? Show that to me Gotham MAKE HIM GIVE A HALF ASSED PSEUDO LOGICAL REASON FOR DATING ISABELLA MAKE HIM START OUT BEING MENTALLY SOUND IN SEASON THREE DUE TO BEING ON MEDS AND SLOWLY BUT SURELY LOSE IT AND BECOME MORE INSECURE BECAUSE OF HOW OTHERS VIEW HIM!!!!!!!! GOTHAM WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME

It’s not even like the writers never made him ever do insane shit and then try to rationalize and make it logical. He literally thought Jim knew he killed Kristen and planned out a fucking eloberate plot to frame Jim WHICH RATTED HIMSELF OUT FROM HIS ATTEMPTS TO PROVE HOW SMART HE IS GOTHAM IS CAPABLE OF WRITING EDWARD BEING SO SCARED OF BEING WEAK AND DUMB HE DOES STUPID SHIT I DONT GET WHY THEYRE SO INCONSISTENT WITH THIS OUGHHHH MENTALLY UNWELL PEOPLE DONT DO RANDOM SHIT JUST BECAUSE THEY HAVE A INTERNAL LOGIC TO THEIR ACTIONS EVEN IF ITS FLAWS GOTHAM STOP DOING THIS TO MEEEEEE

[ekiveki]

TMNT 2012 MIKEY FANFIC RECOMMENDATIONS!!!! <333

First, I wanna say tysm for the likes on the last list, I really, really appreciate it <333

Now, onto the fanfics!!!!!

Self-Harm by KKscendants

I cannot explain how much I love this fanfic

I love the concept, I love how it's not like, straight forward and actually needs emotional thinking and stuff

(I literally cannot explain-)

I don't wanna give out any spoilers, but plz go read it, it's amazing!!!

The observation

by crawlingupawall

I ADORE FARMHOUSE ARC SM!!!!!!

IT IS JUST SO GOOD LIKE-

Yea anyway, it's mostly view in Donnie's pov but it is extremely Mikey centric

Drop by Drop is The Water Pot Filled

by ViviTheGhosty

OMG, I CANNOT express how I love this

And ik I say that ab every fanfic I recommend, but I really think that all of them are really, really really good! And awesome! That's why I'm recommending them anyway

I don't like giving out spoilers so that's why I don't really describe any fanfics I talk about so yea-

swallow down (all your regrets)

by Keeryd

This one was just hella relatable if you ask me-

It is kinda short but I love it

(Idk what else to say lmao)

But anyway, I highly recommend checking Keeryd's account, I love everything they write <333

Mikey's Super Thinker Book!!! DO NOT READ!!! D:<

by YouDontKnowMe (Annonimous1000)

I'm honestly re-reading this one

I don't remove much of it, I just remember loving it (help-?)

Mikey's Cookbook

by Fighting Gold ButCoda

I think after reading the ones I already recommended, you will release that I deeply love mikey ED fanfics (totally not self-reflecting or whatever 🤭)

Anyway-

Entailment, maybe

by GOk1ttyg0

Ermm, yea-

(Idk what to type anymore, srry (ヽ´ω`) )

Mirum Videre

by short_bc_of_coffee

YES, OM YES

ONE OF MY FAV FANFICS EVER

I think that ppl dont talk ab psychosis that much, or at least not the correct way-

I adore this fanfic

I also love the b-team ^^

So this was very fun for me

And ofc, always read tags in any fanfic you're about to read; for tw and cw

Mikey's one shots

by SaheyMeine

I love the fanfic, but I adore the first chapter (character analysis)

i can make you happy, too!

by paindump

<3333

(I'm losing my mind)

Answers I Didn't Know I Needed

by PixiePerson19

(Oh, this is rottmnt mikey btw, I just want to put it in here)

I haven't read this one so I'm kinda nervous to put it in this list-

This is the first story I'm putting on the list without actually reading it

It's been in my 'to read' for a while so I'm just gonna trust my instincts and say that is pretty a lovely story <3

(Also, let it be known that the author (PixiePerson19) is literally hunting me,

I've seen them comment on almost every fanfic I've ever read, so now every time I open comments I bet that I will se them)

(Like, sir, what did I do to you ( ; ﾟДﾟ) )

Anyway, got distracted again-

Umm-

Idk-

That's enough for today :D

My goal was like 20 fanfics but I ended up with 11-12 of them, srry ( ﾟεﾟ；)

Plz tell me if you see any mistakes (like grammar mistakes, or maybe I imported the wrong link or sm-)

And, I'm so, so, so, sorry for basically lying about how fast will this list come out

I really thought I could do it fast but then a lot of things happened, and

yaddi, yaddi, yadda

So yea, haha-

I hope you love these fanfic as much as me <3

Have fun reading!!!

[brokentoys]

For  the  most  part,  that  is  indeed  true.  But  the  thing  I  loved  about  Eddie,  albeit  rare,  is  that  he’s  had  his  mental  illnesses   written  fairly  well  in  comics,  which  had  me  relating  to  him  even  more.  Like  in  Annual...  Eddie  mentions  having  psychosis  in  it,  and  he  does  indeed  display  symptoms  of  Schizophrenia.

Like  here,  where  he  imagines  Bat  in  his  childhood,  hurting  him.  Even  though  Bat  wasn’t  there,  this  is  actually  a  symptom  of  Schizophrenia,  I’ve  watched  people  with  Schizophrenia  talk  about  it  on  YouTube.  This  happens  because  of  delusions,  delusions  can  be  mixed  with  actual  memories,  and  it  can  confuse  you  as  to  what  really  happened,  and  what  didn’t.

Ed  ends  up  suffering  a  bad  episode  here.  I  really  like  that  he’s  also  in  white  clothes,  he’s  wearing  something  they’ll  ACTUALLY  wear  in  psychiatric  hospitals.  I  hate  how  SO  MANY  TIMES  Eddie  is  in  a  JUMPSUIT,  especially  an  ORANGE  ONE.  Which  definitely  shows  the  writers  /  artists  FORGET  he’s  NOT  IN  PRISON!!!!!  But  what  makes  his  portrayal  so  great  is  that  Eddie  has  Schizophrenia,  but  NEVER  did  they  use  it  as  a  “why  he  kills.”  He  NEVER  talks  about  hearing  voices  that  tells  him  to  kill  and  do  bad  things.  No,  he  just  hallucinates  and  has  delusions.  Both  which  are  remembering  things  incorrectly,  or  experiencing  something  that  isn’t  really  happening.

In  Chronicles  and  Solitaire,  I  feel  his  OCD  was  portrayed  rather  well.

In  Chronicles,  Eddie  tries  to  STOP  following  his  compulsion,  but  it  doesn’t  work.  He  ends  up  suffering  panic  attacks  because  of  this  until  he  caves  in,  until  his  brain  convinces  him  it’s  a  GOOD  THING.  His  mind  itself  is  represented  by  a  black  void,  and  a  puzzle  box.  It  shows  that,  untreated,  Eddie  can  ONLY  think  about  his  compulsions.  Solitaire  has  Eddie  literally  doing  a  breathing  exercise  in  order  to  NOT  have  a  panic  attack  after  a  lady  puts  his  riddles  out  of  order.  This  shows  Eddie  also  has  a  compulsion  for  orderliness.  But  I  love  that  it  doesn’t  show  he  DOESN’T  have  a  compulsion  for  cleanliness.  (Which  don’t  get  me  wrong,  many  ppl  with  OCD  DOES  have  that.  See  Howie  Mandell  for  example.  It’s  just  that  many  ppl  think  OCD  ppl  ONLY  care  about  cleanliness  when  that’s  not  true.  Compulsions  CAN  BE  other  things.)

I  won’t  post  the screencaps,  because  I  posted  a  lot.  But  Sirens  #9-#10  shows  Eddie’s  subconscious  preying  on  his  insecurities,  telling  him  he  DOESN’T  deserve  to  be  happy,  and  that  nobody  is  his  friend,  telling  him  he’s  a  HORRIBLE  PERSON  who  DOESN’T  CARE  about  anyone  else.  Even  though  his  ACTIONS  AND  FEELINGS  show  OTHERWISE.  It  PROVES  his  subconscious  WRONG.  However,  Eddie  still  gets  manipulated  by  these  thoughts  as  the  Sirens’  BETRAYAL  just  so  happens  to  prove  it  RIGHT  -  that  no  one  can  love  him.  It  shows  that  people  with  Narcissism  are  actually  INSECURE  individuals.  

Which  sadly...  many  comics  do  just  portray  Eddie  with  NPD...  but  like  just  the  most  stereotypical,  inaccurate  version  of  it.  Where  he’s...  just  arrogant.  It’s  just  arrogance  and  NOT  NPD  (which  Eddie  ISN’T  ACTUALLY  arrogant.  His  narcissism,  I  feel,  developed  as  a  coping  mechanism,  initially.)  And  that’s  what  happened  with  Eddie’s  INITIAL  redemption... they  literally  tried  to  claim  him  being  BONK’D  on  the head  CURED  HIM  of  his  compulsion...  which  I  hated.  (I  could  get  MORE  into  that,  and  explain  what  I  think  happened  with  that  writing,  why  DC  made  that  decision,  not  Dini.  But  I  already  made  this  post  long  enough.)

Basically,  I  wanted  to  appreciate  the  times  when Eddie  WAS  portrayed  well  with  mental  illness.  And  how  I  wish  he  could  STILL  be  portrayed  like  this.  Because  these  comics,  these  arcs  are  rare.

[rabeeism]

💘 here r some rules + info for this account. plz read it all lol, it includes byf, "dni" although i dont really have one and discomforts. thanx 💘

🦇BYF🦇

im mentally ill lol so be respectful of that. a lot of my unconventional language and behavior can be attributed to that

im a bisexual who loves all genders. if you don't agree with or respect that, i suggest you leave.

furthermore i am transgender and would appreciate if radfems or "gender critical" people would not even look at me :) i also use neopronouns and if u dont like those maybe reevaluate

i don't like discourse and i made this blog to focus on my mental health. don't reblog or message me if you're a discourse or opinions blog, no matter who you are or your beliefs. any sort of discourse brings me stress tbh.

reality checks are not welcome here unless i specify. reality checks include:

"you aren't REALLY [this person]"

"you can't be serious about this"

"don't interact, just scroll" (this one's more for tiktok but still applies)

i promise that for a lot of people unprompted reality checks do a lot more harm than good with certain things.

Discomforts

please don't bring up these things with me they're a big source of stress

- obvious triggering things (sh, ed, sui, etc)

- "mspec" labels

- any type of trans discourse i hate yall

- distorted faces

- those im in your wall "jokes"

- ableism. not just blatant shit towards autistics and people with adhd. all people with disabilities including schizophrenia/psychosis

🦂ok that's all for now thank you so much for reading and respecting everything :-)🦂

[weaselbeaselpants]

Rewritten Alastor notes (TW: NSFL, Cannibalism, Vore, animal abuse)

This is unexpected I know, but I’m suffering from a major headache and I need something to do.

Alastor the Radio Demon in my non-existent Hazbin repaint. Things he has in common with his canon self:

Human soul of a man who died in the 1930s. Was a cannibal in life.

Tried (and succeeded) to corrupt a bunch of lesser demons. 

Respected by the big-bads of Hell, like Valentino and Vox. Feared among them as well because he creeps even them out.

Deer + wendigo motif still very much still at play.

Still asexual, though I wouldn’t recommend putting him on any pride flags.

Gets along with Charlie and loves antagonizing Vaggie.

Treats Nifty and Husk as goons and/or pets.

His weird hair tufts emote along with him like ears. I don’t know if they are ears though. I think Viv has the right idea not confirming what the frack is up with his anatomy.

Can’t ever stop smiling. Ever. That aspect of Al’s design is something real special that I think Viv has the right idea implementing. A character who can not stop smiling makes for a lot of terrifying and hilarious reactions. Just look at Sans near eternal smile. 

Inexplicably likes pineapple pizza. Funny out-of-character gag.

AGAIN: CONTENT WARNING ESPECIALLY FOR ANYONE WITH TRIGGERS TO THE STUFF ABOVE. KEEP READING AT YOUR OWN RISK.

Changes made to his character:

I do not mind Hazbin being crass and vile and offensively-over the top as long as it has a good grasp on what the joke is (like Helluva Boss :>). My Hazbin thesis is that all of the characters are “demons” in as much as they’ve done bad things or were bad people, but are not maniacal or sadistic + there’s hope for some of them. THEN there’s Alastor who absolutely lives up to the demon-reputation and did genuinely evil things in life. Alastor’s the kind of person who absolutely should be purged but has escaped because those who are supposed to be for justice aren’t threatened by him.

He isn’t involved in voodoo or has any affluent Creole background. With all do respect that aspect feels just a little too lifted from Dr. Facilier. My Alastor’s background is American “mutt” with an Algonquian-native grandmother.

His sin in life - and in Hell itself - is Gluttony. Taking a page from the OG Wendigo mythos, which describes them more as pulsating, gorging Elderitch abominations, Al’s MO in the show is to consume everyone and everything there is. 

Alastor’s demonic powers are presented as a wave of high frequency radio static that messes with a demon’s psyche so much it physically hurts them. Al then scoops up his victim’s souls to power his microphone and everything that demon had in it’s possession beforehand crumbles or becomes his.

Angel is afraid of him. Unlike in the canon cartoon, Angel is the one who recognizes Alastor and knows he’s dangerous, not Vaggie. Turns out, Angel had a run in with the Radio Demon sometime during the mid twentieth century (so when they were both pretty young in demon years). Angel tried to steal Al’s microphone but Al flung a nasty radio-frequency in Angel’s face, taking out one of his eyes. Angel was present during Al’s first attempt to take over Hell, so he immediately knows Al’s bad news and Alastor never misses the opportunity to mess with Angel in season 1.

Alastor is a shape-shifter. In what is probably the most grizzly detail about my take, he technically self-mutilates in order to re-imagine himself ala the Hellraiser Cenobites - which he does quite a bit to hide from Charlie’s parents.

Technically, Al is naked. What looks like a suit is actually his flesh. Look closely at you’ll see that he’s all stitched together like a crude taxidermy piece. Beneath his “skin” are his bones; which all look like mechanical radio parts and move independently of another. Sometimes Al tears them out if he thinks his “wiring needs to be reworked”, which is Al for ‘feeling an emotion’ and he doesn’t like that.

The motif my Alastor is supposed to invoke is everything about him was “stolen” and crudely pieced back together: he collects and traps other demons inside his microphone; he eats by unhinging his mouth and swallows in one gulp. Alastor’s anatomy invokes a lot of vore imagery as well as Ero Guro. Despite being ace, there is a sexual (but not arousing) edge to his character, which leads to a lot or horror and humor.

Alastor does not like that he was human. He’s even in denial of it and insists “I was always a demon. I simply had a nightmare that I was a man. Now I’m awake and the nightmare is long gone”.

Alastor’s human name was Edward; he was a sad, pathetic little man whom everyone walked all over. Edward wanted to be a radio host but was denied that position cause he ‘couldn’t smile’. Edward was deeply disturbed and fixated on ingesting human meat (a condition called ‘wendigo psychosis’). Despite committing murder and then eating all his victim’s bodies, he can’t recall most of the process and was frightened by his behavior, knew what he was doing was wrong. BUT he never went about treating his addiction with meat; he’d have “cold periods” where he didn’t kill and thought he was ‘fixed’ only for his psychosis to resurface.

Alastor’s demon self aims to be all the things that he wasn’t in life: happy, fulfilled, complete, confident, cheery, and satisfied. Al relishes in his self-made creepy image and no doubt took his demon name from a famous Alastair from his youth. 

Al’s character arc throughout the ‘show’ (there is no show, why am I treating this like genuine pitch bible blah) goes as follows:

For the first season leading up the the finale and beginning of season 2, Al pretends to be Charlie’s friend until he backstabs her and takes over her hotel to harvest the ‘redeemed’ souls so he can restart his broadcasting-takeover that was just barely stopped years before. Charlie, Vaggie, and Angel intercept him however and destroy his microphone - which holds all the souls - causing him to loose his power. Charlie personality terminates his physical form leaving only his ‘heart’, which Lucifer makes Charlie eat so that Alastor will forever be under her control. The downside to this is Al’s soul+heart+person exists within Charlie now, and he of course speaks to her within her mind, trying to discourage, belittle, threaten or taunt her plans and feelings throughout the second season. Season 3′s opening would be about the main cast trying to get Vaggie out of Heaven once they learn it’s as corrupted as Hell. Charlie needs Al’s expertise, so she vomits him up. Al agrees to help her but is obviously not happy and vows to get his freedom back. In the second half of season 3, the main characters have to lay low while the angels partake in spiritual warfare against Lucifer. So Charlie and co. escape to the human world disguised as humans. Though an agreement, Alastor comes along and aquires a foreclosed motel for the demon’s to live (he intends to trap mortal souls while he’s there, though Charlie intercepts this too). 

Angel and co. end up discovering Al’s human identity (something he tried to cover up any evidence of having in Hell) and invite his now elderly human daughter to the motel. It works too well however, and the fright of seeing his daughter again triggers an all out anxiety attack in Alastor causing him to merge with the motel. Charlie has to traverse his insides to try and get to his crumbling psyche which would be very Akira-inspired.

Meanwhile, inside Alastor’s mind we see his demon form finally baring a frown and freaking out as the pathological spirits of his victims sing to him in a radio booth about the life he’d chosen and the lives he took away from them. (Yes, this is absolutely taken from Bojack Horseman)

Once Charlie cuts to his core+Al faces the fact that there never was another demon responsible for his actions, it was always just him, Al relinquishes his hold on that motel and his physical form become that of a baby deer, whom Charlie nicknames ‘Deerlastor’. Deerlastor doesn’t appear to have any of Al’s powers, memories, or personality but Angel and the other demon’s Al’s abused insist on killing it, sure that this is just another one of Al’s weird forms. Because of Alastor’s absence, it takes a lot longer and harder for the main cast to get back to hell and help Charlie’s dad’s stop the (previously human) angels who want to wipe purge ALL of hell.

To take out the main ‘enlightened’ angel that’s in the middle of trying to purge ALL of Hell, the demon’s need a power of their own. Deerlastor agrees to sacrifice its body and because of that, Alastor pops out from the deer’s body and head on collides w. the big bad angel-villain, eliminating both their souls. Alastor gets no proper redemption arc kids, he just gets to be the one to take out the main villain.

Edward/Alastor’s daughter’s name was Lavinia and she was the closest thing to genuine ‘love’ he had in his life and the only person who obviously looked up rather than ignore or abuse Edward. When Ed was arrested and confessed to his crimes, his daughter wasn’t allowed to see him and the knowledge that her father was a cannibalistic serial killer haunted Lavinia all her life.

His crimes were not sexual. This is NOT AN EXCUSE for what he did though because - 

- two of his victims were children. Yep. 

Unlike the rest of the filth-spewing demons, Al doesn’t appreciate racism or sexism. He thinks himself a feminist for his day...despite also having killed women and children. Keep in mind he’s also from the 30s, so he’s as “progressive” as people could be for back then, AND he believes that his partial native ancestry means it’s okay to call himself a ‘wendigo’.

In reference to an oooooooooooold ref sheet Viv made for Alastor back in the day, Deerlastor gets shot in the head and dismembered a lot but always gets up like nothing’s wrong.

Alastor does not like electroswing. He likes jazz, doowop, twist, show jingles, and lots of American Folk ballads. You know, the stuff they’d jam the radio’s with back in the 30s.

Big influences on my Alastor are They Shoot Horses Don’t They?, American Murder Song, My Friend Dahmer (a graphic novel), Llamas with Hats and Haunted by Chuck Palahniuk. 

(Ima thinking of renaming my Hazbin gang to better distinguish them between the canon. Alastor’s the only one who won’t be renamed though, just probably spelled a different way. (Alystar, Alaster, Alastar))

[thevoiceiskillingme]

Withered

So, I should probably write a little bit about everything that's been going on in my life. But that would take hours, and I honestly can't be bothered. It will probably come out here and there anyway, and right now I have the need to write about what's happening these days. This is a very long post.

I have schizoaffective disorder (depressive type), ptsd and anxiety disorders. Sort of a mix of a lot of them. I got diagnosed in 2018, where I spent 10 months (approx) inpatient. It probably sounds super depressing to be inpatient so long, but it wasn't - for me. I met a lot of cool people, some who I consider good friends still. Some I have of course lost contact with - as I was living in another place then, and now I've moved closer to my home town, about 10 hours away. Meaning I can never really see them, and communicating through text etc., is not any of our strong suits. I do however miss some of them a lot, and the memories with them are some of my best.

I've never really experienced clicking with people in my life, but there I found several that I went along with really well, and who seemed to actually appreciate me as well. I could be myself in a way, which I suppose is understandable as it was a psychiatric ward. We could understand each other, on another level than mentally healthy people can, at least. I feel like none of my friends from younger years do, and that's difficult.

I have to admit, although it hurts, that I don't really have any friends (that I meet and talk to regularly). I'm not counting the friends I met then in this statement. I live in the same town as my best friend from age 7 till.. 22? We spent so much time together when we both lived at home, but since we moved out we never were in the same city, so naturally we couldn't meet often, but we still talked online and on videochat. Now we never hang out. I can't remember the last time we did, and it just feels like everything's changed between us.

Maybe it's just normal, growing apart? But I honestly feel a little betrayed. I've tried a lot, but I don't really try anymore, as I'm not getting a lot back. But to be honest, she's in school, she has a boyfriend, she has study-friends, she has a life (as much as you can nowadays), I have nothing. I'm on disability, I am engaged (somehow), and I'm crippled a lot by my disorders, but that doesn't mean I'm not the same person as always, and still have a need for social interaction. I have another friend in this town as well, but the situation there is pretty much the same.

I guess maybe I find it all very difficult, as we can not relate to each other. This pretty much goes for all of my friends from before, whom I still am considered friends with, but not really. We can talk and they'll tell me all about what they've done lately; exams, friends, work, adventures etc etc. And then they ask me, and I get stiff. What can I say? I do fuck all. "Well, I've watched this and that, and read those books.. I'm working out a little, but only indoors. I see my psychologist, psychiatrist, and my doctor. Oh and I got disability recently, after waiting for some time, so I basically will probably never lead a normal life with school and work." What the fuck? We're on completely opposite parts of the spectrum, and I understand that it's difficult.

I feel a little less than those who've followed the "normal" curve in life, but why should I? I didn't choose to be sick, I hate this life. I'm crippled by my illnesses, which are pretty fucking debilitating ones, mind you. I go around every fucking day scared shitless of losing my mind again, worse this time. I have diagnosis which is basically a mixture of bipolar disorder and schizophrenia, the two most severe (not my words, it's stated).

Being on medication ruined my life and took everything away from me, so I quit them in december 2020, of course with support from my psychiatrist. But now I have other struggles (physical and mental) that's also ruining my life. When do I get a fucking break? The only thing I have going for me, is that I'm losing weight. No, I'm not promoting ed's or anything, I was huge because of comfort eating, medication and a hormonal disorder. I'm still huge. Losing weight is the only thing I have to cling onto, and I'm doing so healthily.

Thankfully I feel better now that I'm smaller, and as I'm off medication I actually have the energy and motivation to look good. I take care of my hair, I put on makeup and I dress nice. That feels like the only thing I have now.

But I'm not gonna spend all of this post complaining, a lot of good things have happened as well. You know, when I was younger, I couldn't stand the thought of living an a4 life, the societal ideal. But the last few years, I've wanted nothing more. I can't get an education or work, but the other stuff is pretty much in place. I met the love of my life in 2019, and we are engaged. He is a psychologist by the way, which is somewhat ironic when I think about my diagnoses and stuff, but fuck it; I'm intelligent, decent looking, and I have a lot of good qualities, so why shouldn't he like me? I'm tired of brining myself down.

Anyhow, I'm engaged. A few months ago we bought a house, in my hometown, and we're moving in about half a month. We own a car, and we're planning to expand our family. I have a lot of good things going on, but my personality have always been pessimistic, and as I struggle with certain things, I can't completely comeprehend all that's going on. It doesn't always feel real (more in a derealization way, not psychosis). But I feel like I've achieved a lot, even though I haven't taken the standard route. In a way I'm ahead of my friends, when it comes to settling down. That's a good feeling.

This post is so fucking long, but I'm in a ranting mood these days. I had to sneak in a few updates as well, to have things make sense. I'll probably post some more in not too long, as I, as stated, have a lot in my mind I need to write down. If you've read all of this, thank you, and you deserve a medal.

[lavender-montgomery]

ramble tw: ed,depression, psychosis and anxiety mention

Really hating being at home at the moment, I take any excuse to go out for as long as I can. I just stayed two nights at my best friend’s house, I wish I stayed longer. There’s this chick I’m talking to who means a lot to me but I can’t see her atm bc of the virus. She doesn’t have it (thank god) she’s being careful which is fair enough, but it’s hard not meeting up with her when all I wanna do is be around her and be cute and hear her voice. 

My Mam is really unwell and it’s not looking good, I am very anxious about it. I can’t see her or talk to her much at the moment. 

I’ve decided to finally do stuff I really wanted to do that my ex didn’t allow, such as more piercings (I took most of mine out) and FINALLY getting a mullet. Also planning my next tattoo as it has been so long since I’ve had new ink. Feels good to be getting back to how I used to look, feels like me again, I changed myself so much for my ex and I just wasn’t me at all

It also feels good to not be denying my sexuality anymore, it used to get me super down

I’m in a really weird mood at the moment, I feel empty yet sad and heavy and anxious. About me mam, my ex, I’m worried I’ve fucked up with someone, sad about my sister, anxious about living arrangements 

That’s another thing, living arrangements. I’m really looking forward to living alone and doing what I want with my tiny ass flat, but the building itself and area I live in is dangerous so living here alone is scary. I’ve become very jumpy especially at home, if someone even unlocks the door it scares me a lot and I am constantly on edge. A lot of bad stuff happens here which has given me this extreme anxiety of being here. I know I could move, but I love the flat itself and it’s near places I wanna work. I suppose I’ll see how it goes living by myself and if it’s too bad then I will look at moving. I’m not gonna lie, my building looks like the crack den Cumberbatch’s Sherlock was staying at. It’s a mess. But my flat itself is nice so I don’t mind.

I just wanna be alone, listen to music, do some art and cuddle my cat.

The lass I’m talking to got me a Pooh plush which made me stupidly happy and I’ve not put him down

I’m getting fish soon and more plants, turning my flat into my happy place

You ever get days where your mental illness just hits you full force? Today is one of those days with my depression and my psychosis and anorexia has been bad again. It’s my own fault, I’m not taking my meds and my ex would get angry at me - but I’m not taking them BECAUSE of my psychosis, my main hallucination which I posted about on here when I first started this blog. It’s a tough cycle that I know I gotta break, I just don’t have the strength or willpower to do that right now.

It’s weird when my anorexia gets bad. It’s very sad, it controls me, I feel physically unwell and it brings my other mental illnesses to light. At the same time, it makes me happy, when I go a while without eating and I feel that burning in my chest and throat and I’m shaky, I feel like congratulating myself for doing so well. It makes me happy knowing I can do it again, and honestly? The only bad thing I can see happening about living alone is my anorexia properly returning long term. I’m torn, part of me is so excited for that, but I’ve also done so well these past few months with my eating. It’ll be worth it when I look better. I wish I looked how I did when I was 18, looking at old pictures makes me sad. I was so, so skinny. I looked ill, my skin was white, I was so weak. The worst part is I’d get praised for how ‘fantastic’ I looked and people would ask me for weight loss advice, which of course only fueled it. Why did no one help me? Why was it unnoticed and not cared about? I couldn’t shop in town as barely anywhere sold my size clothes and the few times I would find my size the range would be so limited. I had to get my clothes sent over from Japan or wear stuff oversized which only made me look tinier. At the time I didn’t want help or for people to know, but looking back I’m wondering why the fuck no family or close friends other than my ex said anything or helped. It got to the point I would be wearing clothes for nine year olds, which I was incredibly proud of. Yet another thing I’m torn about, it was one of the worst times of my life dealing with that but at the same time... I looked the best I’ve ever looked. Skinny, pale, short hair, piercings, getting tattoos, I dressed nice. I still dress the same I suppose but it doesn’t look as good because I’m fat. Despite it being an awful time, I’d give anything to go back to it overnight. I’ll get there, it’s gonna be slow and it’s gonna take a lot out of me. I’ll look like me again eventually. Do I wanna do it? Who knows. 

I’ve been having sensory overload a lot more recently, it’s starting to become an issue. It doesn’t help that my ex gets angry at me and yells, doesn’t let me have quiet and makes it worse. I almost cry begging him to just please don’t talk to me and don’t move near me, but for some reason every time it happens he insists on yelling and swearing at me, getting in bed next to me watching videos on his phone, moving about on the bed messing about with the duvet and he brings his cat who gets in my face and has the loudest purr I have ever heard come from a cat. All this when I am having a sensory overload moment is a nightmare, it’s so frustrating and he makes me feel so stupid for it. He tells me I’m stupid and pathetic. Maybe I am, I don’t know. I’m not diagnosed autistic or anything but apparently I show a lot of traits of it. My ex tells me I’m autistic, he uses it to insult me. Even now, I’m trying to distract myself posting this as I haven’t had a long vent about everything for ages, I’ve asked him to just give me a few minutes to myself and he’s going on at me to clear the bed so he can get in it as he ‘wants bedtime’. It’s 5:30PM, he could always clear the bed himself but he makes me do it. 

Ah, my disability. It’s getting bad again - what isn’t? I’ve only used my wheelchair once since the breakup because I’m unable to push myself in it, I need someone to push me, but it isn’t Lukas’ thing to do anymore. He pushed me the other morning when we went to ASDA. I’ve been in a lot of pain recently, my ex has a go at me for going out if I’m gonna come home in pain and not do things like make myself food when he says or clear the bed for him. He tells me I need to prioritise. I tell him I’m not gonna just never go out and have no social life incase my disability plays up, right now it isn’t even that that’s the issue, I’m in pain because of the cold. He didn’t accept that. What does he expect me to do? It’s the end of December, it’s cold, I can’t just stay inside until spring. Recently I asked him to pass me something off his desk he was sat at because my back was bad. He lost it, called me a lazy cunt. Says he’s in pain too he shouldn’t have to ‘do everything for me’. I told him the scissors are a foot away from him, it makes sense for him to just pass them to me, any normal person would do that. Of course he didn’t accept that so continued swearing at me. This happens a lot.

I told him no more sex. Despite breaking up over a month ago we are still living together while he finds a new place and he is often in the mood so we were still having sex. It was consensual, but I told him no more.

Today’s a bad day and there are some bad things going on, but it’s not all bad. The past 2/3 weeks I’ve been doing better than I have for a long time. Making plans for living alone, returning to bar work which I love, planning to visit my family in Essex and my friends in Bristol. Sorting my appearance out again, embracing my sexuality, getting back in touch with friends. And her. I’ve already mentioned her a few times but man, I can’t help it. She makes me smile like I haven’t in a long time, we talk all day/night, she’s adorable. I’m not gonna get my hopes up, I don’t think I’d make her happy like she deserves, and she deserves so, so much, more than I could ever be; but I’m happy with how it is now even if only temporary. She makes me feel less alone, feel wanted, appreciated, cared for, happy. She’s someone from my past I never thought would be in my life again but I am really happy she is. What a blessing  ♡

[solohux]

solohux’s May fic favourites ✿

IGNORE THE LATENESS!

–> Our Apartment by @foryoursakegeneral ♡ Hux Comes home. (daddy kink, adhd kylo, domestic cuteness)

–> Nursing/Lactating by Winklepicker ♡ Hux has six-nipples, porn happens. That’s pretty much it. (milk play, a very lovely fic if you like these kinks!)

–> Accidentally On Purpose by @onewhositswithturtles ♡ Kylo has been harboring feelings for his uptight boss, Hux, over the last year but said nothing for fear of getting fired. Unfortunately one night Kylo’s friends get him drunk and Kylo decides Hux should see what he’s missing, and texts Hux a dick pic. The next morning when Hux tells Kylo to come to his office after work, Kylo has no idea what to expect. (modern au, bottom hux, a great pining scenario with brilliant smut!)

–> Haunted Soldier by @vadianna ♡ After spending two years completing his training, Kylo Ren comes home to the Finalizer.  He has planned and plotted every instant of his reunion with Hux, and a large part of that centers on Hux’s reactions to the scars he gained at Starkiller.Or: Rough sex on a big desk.Or: Overconfident Kylo Ren takes advantage of feelings. (bottom kylo, tagged as pwp but it’s the best pwp i’ve read in a long while)

–> For His General by @cosleia ♡ Dopheld Mitaka is a loyal officer of the First Order. Loyal to the cause and loyal to his general. And it’s up to him to save General Hux from Kylo Ren. (jealous mitaka, pining, some goooood hux & mitaka feels with a soft domestic kylux feel!)

–> Family Secrets by @rannystuffandthings ♡ Hux receives an invitation from his father to bring Kylo to Arkanis to “celebrate” their engagement. Things go as well as Hux assumed they would. (tw homophobia, lots of gorgeous protective kylo)

–> To Each of Us, Our Own Assigned Delusion by @vadianna ♡ The First Order Personnel Counseling Hotline is staffed by sensitivity officers well-trained in dealing with personal issues that arise during service to the First Order, including struggles with worthiness, conflicts with other employees, and even doubts about loyalty.  If you need to talk, they’ll be available for a live conversation during any shift.A mysterious caller manages to find personal issues that they were not trained to deal with.  Specifically, because everyone in the Order is given the same basic sex ed classes at the same time.  There is incredulity and hard feelings on both sides. (sex ed, awkward virgin kylo, kylo talks to the First Order’s Sexual Health Q&A Hotline and oh my god you’ll laugh at his one, it’ll brighten your day!)

–> Oversimulated by @saltandlimes ♡ Hux first notices exactly what that problem is when he’s a lieutenant on his first cruise. There are a limited number of people to fuck. Hux makes inappropriate use of the stormtrooper training simulations. Kylo likes to watch. (voyeurism, kylo touching himself to the sound & sight of hux having sex, so hot you’ll fucking blush!!!!)

–> Confrontation by @omega-hux ♡  Kylo finally says something worthy of retribution. (arguing, you’ll want to wrap hux up in cotton wool after reading this the poor baby)

–> Join by TrashBinKrem ♡ Kylo didn’t play fair, and it’s been eating Hux up. Now it all comes to a climax. (groping & kissing, a beautiful smutty scene with lots of feels)

–> Leverage by @ballvvasher ♡  Hux, tense one evening, coms for a massage droid but accidentally sends it to Kylo instead. (bottom hux, dirty talk, lots of filth & it’s paced so well, if you like smutty fics then you’ll love this!)

–> Off Limits by @verybadhedgehog ♡  Military man of twinky appearance, previously stereotyped as a bottom, meets annoying xeno-experienced frot evangelist telepath, is persuaded to be less sexually self-denying. Jizz everywhere, job’s a good ‘un. (non-penetrative sex, kylo makes hux feel good and it’s unlike anything i’ve read, this is a stunning fic)

–> Pleated Skirts & Perverts by neptune_bound ♡ Ren has a talented mouth, and Hux appreciates it maybe too much. (hux has a skirt on & kylo eats his ass, a++++++ fic)

–> cry baby by @princessfuckingleiaorgana ♡ Hux orders Kylo to get lost, Kylo obeys. (break-up, lots of angst but a good type of hurt!)

–> you know I’d be so grateful if you’d come to relieve my stress by @agoodflyting ♡ housewife hux is unsatisfied with his sex life, so he decides to seduce the strapping, yet naïve pool boy ben solo. (modern au, power bottom hux, absolutely perfect smut that you’ll definitely want to read again, ive read this like 10 times and STILL love it)

–> Pampered by @kylux-trashpile ♡  Kylo spends some time pampering his lover. (feeding, weight gain, lots of wonderful chubby hux & soft kylo!!!)

–> Fairytale Psychosis by @nonsensicalsoliloquy ♡ Even when Hux was a young child he’d never considered himself all that interested in fairytales.Having one essentially stumble and force itself upon him didn’t exactly change that so much as have him worry he was losing his grip on reality. (modern au, faerie kylo, fluffy & soft with lots of endearments and protective kylo! it’s lovely!)

–> Just Rewards by @stardestroyervigilance ♡ Hux bets Ren that he can’t possibly bring back an entire squad of Stormtroopers alive from one of his dangerous missions and promises to have a special surprise in store for him if he manages to do so. To his credit, Ren does manage it. (smut with plot, lingerie, they’re both confident and cocky and their established relationship is absolutely perfect here)

–> Gravid by Lady_Oscar ♡ A pregnant Hux develops Force abilities, and of course they manifest at an inopportune time. (mpreg, abo ‘verse, hux stands up to snoke and i honestly cheered, i love mpreg and this was lovely!)

–> Personal Jesus by @francisthegreat (WIP) ♡ Ren just wants to sit down and forget his past in peace. Hux predictably mucks up the works. (modern au, hot boys with guns, the style is short and sharp and it perfectly fits the topic, a fresh read!)

–> Scales of Gold by @thegayestcupcake ♡ Kylo Ren is a merfolk hunter. When he finds Armitage Hux swimming in a rural river, he begins to fall for the creature. Snoke bags and tags him with the purpose of selling him. Kylo Ren has to make a decision, does he save Hux, or does he let him be sold like a common piece of decorative art? Kylo decides on his first choice, and brings Hux back to his home. (a wonderful mermaid hux au with pining and sex, everything you could ever want!)

–> changeling by @cracktheglasses ♡  “I’m not strong enough, not by myself,” Kylo whispers. “But you are. Hux, I know if I could have just a portion of your will, I could do anything.” (modern au, cannibalism, it’d be best if you read all of the tags for yourself but, gosh, it’s so well-written and it’s so dark, perfect if you’re in the mood for a dark fic)

–> (in)sensitivity by @symphorophilian ♡ Kylo had never taken care of his toys. Armitage Hux was still all too eager to play the part of his pliant doll. (unhealthy relationship, dubcon, hux’s internal thoughts are so heartfelt and desperate, a really beautifully dark fic feat lots of manipulative kylo)

–> The Rat In The Vent by macabreverbosity ♡ “Except there was the matter of the “haunting”, as it were. It seemed that there had been multiple complaints of disturbances in the airvents, especially on the lower levels and the vents closest to his and Ren’s quarters. Additionally, Hux had been missing several articles of clothing. He suspected that Millicent, with her inquisitive green eyes, might have taken to hiding them somewhere on the ship.” (good crack feat. mitaka)

–> The Loth-Cat’s Out Of The Bag by @rebelwerewolf ♡ Jealous Hux or Kylo which leads to the rest of the Finalizer finding out they are in a relationship (lots of good jealousy & team building exercises lead to poor mitaka being attacked!)

–> Tangled Threads by @theweddingofthefoxes ♡ What is Matt supposed to do when his idol, Kylo Ren, takes more than a slight interest in the guy Matt’s had his eye on, Techie? (jealousy, Clan Techie!!!! precious, such a lovely fic)

–> Exhibition by @redcole ♡ First heatwave of the summer Hux goes out on his balcony for a quiet smoke and a cold drink only to find his new American neighbour in the garden below, naked in a similarly new hot tub, surprisingly large cock bobbing along on the bubble jets, nipples perky in the cooling night air. How absolutely horrid. Poor Hux having to look at that. He could look away any time he wanted and he definitely shouldn’t have a crafty wank… (voyeurism/exhibitionism, pervy neighbour hux & teasing kylo, filthy & perfect!)

���> The Traveller In The Dark by @xx-gigi-sinclair-xx ♡ “They discussed this possibility before they embarked on the lengthy process required for them to have a genetic child. One day, one of them was going to have to leave the other, for the sake of their daughter. It was a forgone conclusion.” (time travel au, kid fic, really heartfelt & a super unique idea, perfect characterisation)

happy reading! ♡ 

[easyweight101]

MuscleTech Test HD Review: Don’t Buy Before You Read This!

What is it?

MuscleTech Test HD is a testosterone-boosting supplement that aims to improve libido, energy and more in men with low T levels. MuscleTech Test HD claims to work within 7 days, using only herbal ingredients.

MuscleTech Test HD works to support free testosterone levels in the body, leading to more energy and sexual potency. The manufacturer of MuscleTech Test HD claim this natural blend of ingredients includes a clinical dose of shilajit extract, which in combination with other ingredients like tribulus terrestris and velvet bean, work to increase testosterone levels.

Our reviewers have determined that Viritenz is the most effective, all-natural solution for treating ED, low T and more. Made from herbal ingredients, this product provides a number of benefits to users, without any negative side effects. Read more about Viritenz and it’s benefits. Click here more information.

Do You Know the Best Male Enhancement Supplements of 2017?

MuscleTech Test HD Ingredients and Side Effects

The official label of MuscleTech Test HD, features a lengthy formulation of herbal ingredients. Below is a look at the key ingredients and their side effects.

Tribulus Terrestris Boron Citrate Broccoli Powder Zinc Shilajit Extract Velvet Bean Extract Stinging Nettle Extract Calcium

Tribulus terrestris: A plant used frequently in Ayurvedic medicine, tribulus terrestris is a natural remedy for men suffering from low libido. The herbal ingredient is thought to help bpost levels of testosterone with use and supports organ function throughout the body.

Shilajit extract: A naturally occurring tar-like substance, shilajit extract is thought to support fertility and testosterone levels, as well as benefit the heart, memory and cognitive function. Additionally, this substance is loaded with anti-oxidants, which may help slow the aging process.

Boron citrate: A mineral present in a number of foods, boron is used to help increase muscle mass, testosterone levels and improve muscle coordination.

In large quantities, boron may cause poisoning. Symptoms include tremors, convulsions, headaches weakness and irritability.

Broccoli powder: Full of beta carotene, broccoli powder is thought to help prevent cancer, as well as support, liver, prostate and kidney health.

Stinging nettle extract: An herbal remedy for a number of urination issues such as kidney stones, urinary tract inflammation and more, stinging nettle extract is thought to support testosterone levels in the body.

Zinc: An essential trace mineral used primarily for its immune-boosting ability zinc is thought to help support existing testosterone in the body.

Calcium: Essential for healthy bones and teeth, calcium is a mineral used to prevent osteoporosis, and keep the cardiovascular and nervous systems running smoothly.

Velvet Bean: A bean-like plant with a velvety exterior, velvet bean is also known as L-dopa or mucuna pruriens and is linked to part of the brain that produces dopamine. Additionally, velvet bean is used to support reproductive health, treat patients with Parkinson’s as well as those with anxiety or depression.

Side effects may include confusion, psychosis, and vivid dreams, as well as nausea, vomiting, anxiety and insomnia.

In some cases, velvet bean may cause hair loss.

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EDITOR’S TIP:Combine this supplement with a proven male enhancement pill such as Viritenz for better results.

MuscleTech Test HD Quality of Ingredients

The formula contains some interesting ingredients, particularly shilajit extract which shows some potential to be a powerful ingredient with a range of benefits.

Tribulus terrestris is beneficial for naturally treating erectile dysfunction, and zinc, calcium and broccoli powder are good nutrients that should be a part of any healthy diet. However, ingredients like velvet bean may be dangerous for many consumers, as this ingredient may cause nausea, vomiting, or more serious issues like confusion, hair loss, as well as some more troubling side effects like unpredictable emotions and breathing issues.

While the amount of boron included in the formula is likely much lower than the amount needed to induce poisoning, users may want to exercise caution with use.

Additionally, this product markets itself as a testosterone booster, yet does not contain any ingredients commonly associated with increasing the male hormone in the body.

Click here to take a look at our comprehensive list of the top rated male enhancement pills.

The Price and Quality of MuscleTech Test HD

MuscleTech Test HD is not available through the product’s official webpage, as the company, MuscleTech is a distributor that does not sell direct to consumers. However, this product can be found in a number of stores, both online and in person, such as Amazon, GNC, The Vitamin Shoppe, and more.

The prices ranges from $20.99 on Amazon (lowest price) for a bottle of 90 capsules to $69.99 on the Vitamin Shoppe webpage. The Vitamin Shoppe does offer this product at a lower price if you purchase another supplement. The 90-capsule bottle lasts for 45 days if taken as directed.

Again, while we appreciate the manufacturers have opted to keep the ingredient list short, there is little evidence pointing toward whether or not this is an effective product. Velvet bean has a long list of negative side effects, despite its widespread use in a number of male enhancement products. At this point, we simply don’t have enough information to fairly assess whether MuscleTech Test HD is an effective solution for boosting testosterone.

See which sexual enhancement solutions our reviewers rated most effective — click here for more.

Business of MuscleTech Test HD

The name of the company that sells MuscleTech Test HD is known as MuscleTech, and their information is as follows:

Phone Number: 806-749-7867

Address: 2422 Broadway St. Lubbock, TX 79401

The MuscleTech website looks clean, modern and is easy to navigate.  MuscleTech Test HD is currently not available through the website, but it can be purchased elsewhere online, through GNC, Amazon and more.

MuscleTech is pretty transparent as compared to many of its competitors. They have a social media presence across multiple channel, though they don’t list any contact information on their site aside from their social accounts.

MucleTech also has an A+ rating with the Better Business Bureau and no registered complaints.

Overall, it seems like the makers of MuscleTech Test HD are following a sound set of business practices, as nothing comes up as far as any negative interactions with the company are concerned. This may be in part because the company seems to function as a distributor to third-party retailers, rather than dealing directly with customer-facing business.

Customer Opinions of MuscleTech Test HD

Customer reviews of MuscleTech Test HD have varied a great deal, and while it seems some people feel this product lives up to its promises, others have not had quite as positive an experience. Here’s a look at what users have had to say:

“Started taking this to build muscle mass and I noticed some gains after about a month, but stopped taking and am still seeing improved results from working out. Not sure if it was the product or not.”

“Doctor visits for dizziness and passing out before I identified the problem. When I discontinued use I was fine. It’s too late to return the product for a refund, so I will just trash one and a half bottle.”

“This is the worst test booster I’ve tried. Even after doubling the suggested dosage, I saw no change. This is cheaper than similar products and it is because it just doesn’t work.”

“After taking Test HD for several months, I’ve noticed my appetite has increased, and I feel more energized, as well as slightly aggressive. It definitely works better on an empty stomach.”

Reviews for MuscleTech Test HD were mixed and represented a range of experiences. Based on the above information, it’s hard to determine whether or not this product is a good test booster.

Our review experts have put together a full guide to the best test boosters, sex pills and more — click here to learn more.

Conclusion – Does MuscleTech Test HD Work?

What we liked about MuscleTech Test HD is, that this product is made by a well-known distributor, who has been in business for over 20 years, and that the product is made from a blend of all-natural ingredients. That being said, we don’t like that this product contains velvet bean, which has been linked to some troubling side effects with use.

MuscleTech Test HD does seem to be an effective product for many men out there, who have seen their sex drive improve significantly or experienced long lasting energy both in and out of the gym. However, this product has not been consistent in its results, and some people have felt dizzy or nauseous after using.

Additionally, it’s worth mentioning that just because this product is readily available, doesn’t mean that it’s the best product of its kind.

After looking over several sexual enhancement products, our review experts have discovered that Viritenz is the best option out there. The formula is made from a blend of herbs like tongkat ali, tribulus terrestris and ginseng, all proven effective and safe for treating erectile dysfunction, low testosterone and more.

Viritenz is subject to third party inspections, ensuring a safe and effective product. For more info about Viritenz and how it works, click here.

from Easy Weight Loss 101 http://ift.tt/2k5rcMz via The Best Weight Loss Diet In The World