#Posting this here but this goes for Maddie and Cait kind of too

[ly-kos]

Thinking very deeply about what it's like to grow up in noxus. And how noxus shapes you. From the outside and from the inside. How every part of yourself has to be so deeply and very noxian if you choose to pledge yourself to them. How they conquer and pretend to save, when they're really just plundering for the resources they lack. Noxus is such an infertile land, sporting such big numbers of people. Constantly expanding. The people are born with the same hunger that noxus was built on.

[starting-fresh-mads]

Hi.

I figured it was time to start fresh and start a new. A place for myself to write down my thoughts without the baggage of the past. My old diary was full of self loathing and loneliness, so after rereading and thinking it just didn’t seem right to write about how great my guy is and how my life is getting so much better, if you could scroll back and find just the opposite in a matter of posts. How could I start to look at the positives when all the negatives were just staring me in the face. So here is goes… life update. I guess we will start with friends. Joanna: I miss her. NYC seems so far away (even though I know its not) and I just miss being able to see her whenever. We still talk daily and shes the sister I never had, but I just miss the days where we did absolutely nothing and had the most fun. Liv, we never see her. Dev and maddie and ally, they are great we are all kinda scattered so we don’t seem them as much as wed all like but thats life I guess. Family is next: family is good. Miss them and things are changing and I can tell they dont love it. Im not home as much as they would like but hey I dont live with them anymore, so its just a new adjustment for them and well for me too. School friends: Weve kinda fallen apart honestly. I could not tell you the last time I talked to Grace, caroline, grace, amy. I live with cait so obviously i’m very close with her still and I still talk to molly and elsa. Kinda wild because before school ended I would have put money on that grace and I would have stayed best friends. I guess thats just how things go. It used to make me really sad, but now I am just like indifferent because why am I fighting so hard for a relationship where I feel like I am the only one giving. There no benefit and just frankly exhausting. Chloe: I love her to death its just hard to find the time to make the time. If that even makes sense. I want to be there for her and support her. I need to call her and stop being a shitty friend when all she has ever done was want to be a part of my life. Do better maddie. and finally Henry: Things are really good. like really really good. He makes me happy. like the kind of stupid happy where if I were to see two other people acting like us Id be disgusted. He just gets me. He can tell when something is bothering me with just a look. He can make me smile when I have tears coming from my eyes and most important he can calm me down when I can feel my switch about to flip. He loves me for me, all my flaws included. He makes me feel whole and thats a feeling i’m not ever willing to give up. Distance is hard though. I have my good days and bad days. Leaving days are the worst. I literally feel as though i’m leaving a piece of myself, the best piece of myself, when I leave him. The next day gets better but then I just find myself missing him again. I go through this battle between wanting to rush into the next phase in our lives and being like woah woah slow down because your gonna miss this when its done. The future scares me and excites me all in the same second. its awfully confusing. Where we end up gives me a stomachache, but also I think its butterflies because I know its gonna be one hell of a ride. Its weird to think about that moving and being in the same city isn’t that far off, but I guess we will get there when we get there. I met his friends finally. They are actually so nice. Once the initial overwhelmingness of it all faded away I actually was able to enjoy myself. I hope they liked me too. I love hanging out with his family. They are so easy to get along with and I fit right in. It makes things easy. So I guess to sum it all up. Henry makes the bad days worth it and the best days filled with smiles. Work: what is there to say about work. I do love being a nurse and most days I truly enjoy my job, but recently idk I cant put a finger on it. I need to figure out what I want to do once my contract is up, but I also need to figure out what is going on in a year from now and what my life looks like then. School? Peds? Chicago? DC? NYC?? its a lot to think

About. Good thing I got a lot of time. I guess thats all for now. Heres to a new beginning and a fresh start. Lets make it a good one mads :)