#Portrait mode Music is wax cylinder

[icarusthelunarguard]

This Week’s Horrible-Scopes

(Sorry for being late... I fell asleep while in pain from a likely ankle sprain from couple weeks ago.)

It’s time for this week’s Horrible-Scopes! So for those of you that know your Astrological Signs, cool! If not, just pick one, roll a D12, or just make it up as you go along. It really doesn’t matter. Better yet! Check out “Heart of the Game, Fredonia” and see if they can sell you those D12’s with the symbols on them. Tell them “Shujin Tribble” sentcha. And “Hail, Hail, Fredonia!” Home of the Blue Devil!

We’ve heard that the Horrible-Scopes have been a bit mean spirited over the last few months. Well, far be it from us to continue down that dark path. So this week you’re all getting a randomly generated compliment! Because, you know… we can’t be bothered to think up something more personal for you right now. 

Aries 

Have you ever been told, “You light up the room”? You should, because you do! Your smile is a thing of chromatic perfection with teeth so white they rival the Cliffs of Dover. So This Week… Stop drinking coffee through a straw so you don’t stain your teeth. Enjoy the taste, finally.

Taurus 

We had a whole thing written up for you, Gemini’s item, actually… but the Background Music switched to “How Deep Is Your Love” by the Bee Gees, and NOW we have no choice but to mock your musical tastes. Your music collection is SO OLD… it was recorded in PORTRAIT MODE! So This Week… Get your Polyester White “Saturday Night Fever” Suit out of storage and dry cleaned. It’s only Six Months until Halloween.

Gemini  

Being told, “you’re more helpful than you realize” is a compliment we’re betting you don’t want to hear. It means that who you are and what you do means more than anything you have to say. No one’s interested in your opinions or knowledge on a subject, but you’re still educating people passively. So This Week… Remember the old adage: Some People’s Best Use Is As A Bad Example For Others To Learn From. 

Cancer Moon-Child 

Well, this gets to be interesting for a number of reasons. Your compliment is, “Is that your picture next to “charming” in the dictionary?” Here’s the interesting part; literally NOBODY would use that line on you. Not even as a pickup line at a bar. So This Week… Have an illustrated dictionary built with your picture as the example for “Charming” and keep it with you at all times. Maybe, JUST maybe, one of these days, you’ll be able to say, “Why, Yes I AM” and show them.

Leo 

This might be a compliment, but we’re going to expect it to be more creepy in reception: “You smell really good.” There’s only two times you should ever hear that expression. First, if you intentionally put on a specific perfume or cologne that you know someone actually likes. The other is if you’re in a commercial for Old Spice and your name is Isaiah Mustafa! So This Week… Try being more like Isaiah and less like his horse. He looked GREAT at 36 years old, huh? …ISAIAH! Not the horse!

Virgo 

Looks like you’re getting an actual compliment. “You should be thanked more often. So thank you!!” You know what, we’re not taking this one away from you, Virgo. Enjoy it! So This Week… We challenge you to figure out what it was that deserved a Thank You for. Try not to lose any sleep over it.    

Libra

Now, there’s a few ways to go after this one, and we bet you wouldn’t expect this one to be wholesome. Your compliment is, ”when you make a mistake, you fix it.” There’s an old story about how a carpenter wanted an apprentice in his shop, but turned away someone who said they never made a mistake. The rationale was that when you DO make a mistake, you wouldn’t know how to fix it, so he chose a less-perfect person instead. So This Week… Remember - if you’re spending less time cleaning up mistakes than making them, you’re succeeding.  

Scorpio 

This compliment is a little weird for us too. Listen to this one, “you’re great at figuring stuff out.” There’s a few ways of taking this one and we’ll give you both of them. In a positive light it means you’ve got enough Bird’s-Eye-View knowledge that you’re able to extrapolate correct conclusions more times than not. That’s a pretty admirable quality in a person. So This Week… Remember the OTHER possible meaning - that you’ve got no practical information about things, but you guess right more often than not. Congratulations, you’re Two-Face’s Lucky Coin.

Sagittarius 

We’re not pulling any punches on this one. Your compliment is, “in high school I bet you were voted Most Likely To Keep Being Awesome.” Are you still “Awesome”? Well, actually. YES! Yes you are! So This Week… Do you know how old you have to be to have been voted Most Likely To Keep Being Awesome in HIGH SCHOOL! You are OLD! Start taking One-A-Day Silver Multivitamins.

Capricorn 

We know you have imposter syndrome, so this one’s gunna hurt. Your compliment is, “I bet you do the crossword puzzle in ink.” The reason you do is because you think about those clues for so long you almost forget to take the dog out for her walk. So This Week… You are NOT Will Shortz. Stop showing off.

Aquarius 

“On a scale from 1 to 10… YOU are an 11!” Oh, just… BrAvO, aQuArIuS. The only time we’ve ever heard this one was in conjunction with “Spinal Tap”... the BAND, not the medical procedure. So This Week… Don’t learn to be a drummer for a Spinal Tap Tribute Band. Yes, we’re actually looking out for you this time.

Pisces  

If we could type out the sound of a “Head-Desk” and pronounce it, we’d put that sound right here. Your compliment is, “You're someone's reason to smile!” Well, that’s just perfect because you might have never heard this next expression either. So This Week… look up what the expression, “Sideways Smile” refers to and put those two expressions together. And if you don’t like it, you can kiss our ass.

And THOSE are your Horrible-Scopes for this week! Remember if you liked what you got, we’re obviously not working hard enough at these. BUT! If you want a better or nastier one for your own sign or someone else’s, all you need to do to bribe me is just Let Me Know - or check out the Ko-Fi page ( https://ko-fi.com/icarusthelunarguard )! These will be posted online at the end of each week via Tumblr, Twitter, Facebook, Discord, and BLUESKY.