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hoziersmicrophone · 7 months ago

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coffee | ross macdonald

A/N: this is my first fic!! & it was inspired by the song “coffee” by Chappell roan, I highly recommend listening to it:)

WARNINGS: angst, suggestions of smut, not a happy ending‼️

pls enjoy <3

Can't meet you for dinner at the Italian place

It's where I met your family, some words were exchanged

I'd suggest the jazz bar on MaryAnn Street but

You'd buy me a drink and we know where that leads, so

“I don’t think I’ll be able to make dinner tonight, something’s come up. I’m really sorry. Do you want to do something maybe during the day tomorrow before you leave for Toronto?”

As soon as she sent the text message, she began to get anxious and rubbed her fingers against each other. She was aware that Ross would be fine with switching things up, as he usually is, but she regrets calling off their long-planned dinner. In less than 48 hours, he was heading out for the Canadian portion of the tour.

She felt her phone vibrate in her pocket and saw that he was calling. She closed her eyes and exhaled deeply, before swiping to answer the call and bringing the phone to her ear.

“Ross, hi,”

“Is everything okay, love? What’s come up? Is something wrong?” his concerned voice echoed on the other end of the line, she knew he was alone in his hotel room.

She smiled softly at his sincerity, “Nothing’s wrong, and I’m okay, I promise. It’s just been a long day and I don’t really feel up for dinner. I’m tired,”

“Ah,” he sighed, “Okay, well, if you want, I can come over to your place for a bit? We can just relax, maybe watch a movie? I know you’ve been wanting to watch Challengers for a while- we could rent it yeah?”

He sounded calm and collected, but on the other end of the phone call, Ross had begun to wonder if she didn’t want to see him at all, and that this was just her way of attempting to let him down easy.

“That sounds great, actually. I’ll see you in an hour or so?”

He repressed a sigh of relief and smiled, “Sounds good, I’ll see you then.”

With a sigh, she ended the call and collapsed onto her couch. He was heading out with the guys shortly; they would be gone for six months, only doing two shows in Scotland during that time. She didn't want to upset him, but she also didn't want to drop everything she was doing to go on tour with her boyfriend.

They hadn't discussed the tour much, and she didn't want to be the first to bring it up. In fact, Ross hadn't even asked her if she wanted to go. She loved him, and even though she didn't want to end things, she wasn't able to see their future together as clearly as she once could.

I'll meet you for coffee 'cause if we have wine

You'll say that you want me, I know that's a lie

If I didn't love you, it would be fine

I'll meet you for coffee, only for coffee

An hour later Ross was at her apartment. He knocked twice on the door, and she opened it, wearing sweatpants, smiling at the man in front of her.

He offered a small hug, which she reciprocated as he walked through the door, “I brought wine,” he handed her a bottle of Merlot.

“Oh thank you,” she paused and put the bottle on the counter, “That was very thoughtful of you.”

“Shall I get the glasses?” he asked as he headed towards the kitchen, “I can make some popcorn too,”

“Sure Ross,” she smiled softly, “That would be amazing, thank you,” and she sat down on the couch and turned on the TV, finding the movie.

A few minutes later, Ross came back and set the bowl of popcorn on the coffee table while offering her a glass. She gave him a thank-you smile, and as the movie began, he put an arm around her and pulled her in close.

“I’m gonna miss this,” he whispered into the top of her head, placing a gentle kiss on her forehead.

She nodded, blinking away the stray tears that had formed in her eyes at his words. He evidently had no plans of asking her to join him on tour, he just expected her to sit around and wait for his return.

She exhaled shakily and took a sip of her wine, “Me too,”

They sat in silence and comfort as they watched the film, with a few quips being made at the sex scenes and the intensity of them. The movie ended and Ross stood up, “Do you want another glass to finish off the bottle?”

With a nod, she got to her feet and asked, "Why don't I get them this time?" and she proceeded to the kitchen with their glasses. As she reached for the bottle, removed the cork, and started to pour, she heard his footsteps behind her but chose not to acknowledge him.

Ross’s arms wrapped around her and he pulled her close, hugging her from behind.

“Ross,” she exhaled as she took a sip of her wine.

“Hm?” he murmured as he kissed the part of her shoulder that was exposed from her sweater.

“We need to talk about something,” she pulled out of his arms and turned around to face him, worry evidently etched on her features.

“What’s wrong?”

“You’re going away for six months,” she sighed, “And you- you didn’t even ask me how I felt about it or if I wanted to come with you.”

“Love,” he frowned, “I know how you feel about it, but it's my job! Besides, I didn’t think you’d want to come with us, I know you have a life here and-”

“I still would have liked to have been asked,” she said, her voice almost a whisper as she avoided his gaze.

“Well, do you want to come on tour with me?”

“Now you’re just asking out of pity, Ross.”

“What else do you want from me?!” he exhaled sharply. The wine on his breath was potent.

She met his gaze, “Don’t snap at me like that. I was just voicing how I was feeling, there is no reason for you to be defensive.”

His jaw locked and he repressed the urge to roll his eyes, “I’m sorry, I just don’t know what else to say here,”

“You don’t have to say or ask me anything, I just wanted to feel heard.”

“Well, do you?”

“I don’t know. It feels a bit like you’re having this conversation out of obligation.” she looked away again as her eyes welled up with tears once more, “I’m not going to sit around and wait for you like some kind of dog, Ross. Not for half a year.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“I don’t feel wanted in this relationship anymore, and don’t really know if I want it for myself,”

“Well I want you!” Ross exclaimed. He ran his hand through his hair and grabbed her hand, “I love you.”

“I love you too, but-” she was cut off by his lips on hers.

“Let’s not talk anymore,” he whispered against her lips, taking her wine glass out of her hand and placing it on the counter, “At least not right now.”

Her eyes began to well up with tears once more, but she forced a smile on her face and gave him another, stronger kiss. She was determined to make the most out of their final night together if it was to be their last. With a drunken gait, they staggered through the house until they arrived at her bedroom. With their lips still attached, the door closed behind them.

Nowhere else is safe, every place leads back to your place

You said let's do the park 'cause I love the park

That may be true but god forbid it gets dark

Here come the excuses that fuel the illusions

But I'd rather feel something than nothing at all, so

Ross and the rest of The 1975 crew were in town for their shows in Scotland, and it had been three months since she'd seen or really spoken to him. Even though she hadn't heard from any of them all day and wasn't really expecting it, the fact that their show was in two hours and she hadn't heard anything still stung.

Just as the thought of not hearing anything entered her mind once more, her phone began to vibrate on the table in front of her. She saw that it was George calling, and answered.

“George?”

“Hey doll, how’s it going?”

She rolled her eyes at the nickname, “I’ve been better…how’s tour going? You guys are in town tonight, right? Glasgow?”

“Been keeping tabs on us?”

“Oh shut up, Daniel,”

He laughed, “Are you coming out tonight?”

“Couldn’t snag tickets.” That was only partially the truth. She did want to go, but didn’t want to see Ross. That, and the fight for tickets was a fucking bloodbath.

“If you come to the backdoors one of us will let you in sweetheart,”

“Really desperate to get me there tonight aren’t you George?”

“Would it be wrong of me to say that we miss you?”

“We?” She asked, her voice laced with skepticism.

“Yeah! Me, Matty, Hahn, Charli, Polly, hell even Jamie misses you!”

Her heart felt heavy at the lack of Ross’s name coming out of George’s mouth, but she brushed it off with a light laugh, “I’ll see you in a bit, but I want a backstage pass.”

“Sure thing doll,” and he hung up the phone.

An hour later, she found herself at the backdoors of the venue the boys were performing at. She had just texted George that she was here and had put her phone in her pocket when the doors swung open and she was pulled into and off the ground by the blonde balding man himself in a bone crushing hug.

“Jesus Christ, Daniel!” she exclaimed as she laughed, being put back down on the ground.

“I told you I missed you, sweetheart,”

“If you don’t lose that nickname soon, the next thing you lose will be your dick,” she warned but grinned, “I missed you too.”

“Let’s go say hi to everyone,” George grabbed her hand and dragged her into the dimly lit backstage, letting the doors slam shut behind them.

She had a blast reuniniting with almost the entire band, and was almost brought to the ground by Matty who would not release her from his hug.

“Shit, are you okay Healy?” She asked between laughing fits.

“He misses you and feels like shit,” Matty spoke in a hushed tone in her ear.

“I’m sure he does, and to be fair, he should feel shitty,” she responded, “I’m not here for him,” she spoke a bit louder as she pulled away from Matty’s hug.

“Who’s not here for who?” asked a voice, cutting around George and stepping into the light where she could see him and he could see her.

She straightened her back and turned around, “Hi,” she said, smiling at the tall man who looked shocked to see her.

“You aren’t here for me?” Ross’s eyes softened as he took in her features.

“Jesus, Ross. Whether or not you choose to believe it, my life does not revolve around you,” she brushed the hostile comment off with a small laugh and turned back to Matty, “You guys go on soon, can I just watch from the wings?”

“Yeah, of course,” he responded with a small glance at Ross, who’s expression remained indifferent.

“Alright lads, let’s get a move on with this show then,” George said, clapping Ross on the back, bringing him back to reality, “And let’s get our dear guest a bottle of wine to drink while she enjoys our performance,” he said to a stagehand, shooting her a wink.

She stood on stage left, which was the audiences’ stage right and watched the show from the wings. It also happened to be the side of the stage Ross played on for the majority of the show. The two kept making eye contact throughout the numbers, but he kept looking away the second her eyes met his. She had consumed over half of the bottle of wine, and was enjoying the buzz as her ears burned with the songs they were performing.

It wasn’t until the second verse of ‘Sex’ when she got distracted watching him play. The way his hair framed his face and he focused so intently on the bass line of the song. The way he almost vibrated with the way the stage shook and how he ignored the screams of the crowd, evidently in love with him. The way his fingers moved; god, she loved his fingers. She was slightly drunk at this moment, but didn’t care. She was happy for the first time in months and never wanted the feeling to go away.

As she was evidently distracted by his performance, she didn’t notice him catching her staring and the slight smirk that creeped its way onto his face.

The song came to an end and he placed his bass on the stand as the rest of the band exited the stage, leaving Polly alone to sing ‘Jesus Christ 2005 God Bless America.’

Ross walked directly towards her and watched as her mouth formed a soft smile with a hint of a twinkle in her eye. “What?” he asked, a puzzled but playful expression on his face.

She grabbed him by the front of the red crewneck he was wearing and pulled him down to face her, and kissed him with just as much intensity as she had done the last time they had seen each other, three months ago. He responded into the kiss for a few seconds then pulled back, grabbing her hand,

“Where is this coming from?”

“Just shut up and kiss me, MacDonald”

He looked like he wanted to ask another question, but decided to ask it later as he kissed her again, pulling her backwards into the dark of the poorly lit backstage. She laughed against his lips as he walked into a mic stand, covering her mouth with her hand to hide a grin.

“Are you okay?” she asked, trying to stifle another laugh.

“Now who needs to shut up?” He retorted before kissing her again.

I'll meet you for coffee 'cause if we have wine

You'll say that you're sorry, I know that's a lie

If I didn't trust you, it would be fine

I'll meet you for coffee, only for coffee

Another three months had passed since the band’s Glasgow shows, and it had been another three months since she had seen Ross. Yes, they saw each other at the show and for the 48 hours the band was in Glasgow, but after that, they took off again, and she was left to her studio apartment and her thoughts.

She was sitting in her pajamas on her couch and was watching a live stream of the band’s last show. They all had high spirits, but she could tell that they were all a little defeated about it being the last one; both fatigue and sadness.

Her iPad screen went black as the stream ended and her heart swelled with pride for the band. They had all worked so hard the past six months and it most definitely paid off. A break was well deserved.

She was woken up by her phone vibrating beside her. According to her clock it was 3AM. Grabbing it, she rubbed her eyes as the screen illuminated the room.

RM: Hey, I get back to Glasgow tomorrow around 1. Do you wanna grab a coffee and chat?

She stared at the text as another came through.

RM: FUCK. I forgot about the time difference. I’m so sorry. Get back to me when you wake up x.

“Don’t worry about it, I’m awake. And I can do coffee, same spot as always?”

RM: Did I wake you?????

“No, you didn’t lol”

RM: Don’t lie to me, it’s 3AM. You’re never up that late.”

“Fine, you did wake me up, but again, don’t worry about it. I’ll see you tomorrow ”

RM: See you then x

She smiled and put her phone back down, before rolling back over and falling asleep, only waking up when her 11AM weekend alarm went off.

If I didn't trust you, it would be fine

I'll meet you for coffee, only for coffee

She walked into the coffee shop, the one they always used to go to, and saw that he was already sitting at a table with two cups in front of him.

Ross stood up when he saw her, and gave her a small hug before she sat down adjacent to him, “I got you a mocha,”

“You remember my order?”

“Of course I do, it’s disgustingly sweet,”

“I’m going to ignore that. How was the rest of the tour?”

They talked about the band, the shows that were better than others, and what they all got up to for the months on the road. Ross mentioned that Polly had started talking to one of the security guards at their show in Toronto and that the two now text almost everyday, and that Polly was planning to spend part of their hiatus in Canada.

“And how were your adventures on the road? Did you get up to anything interesting?” She teased, with a mild smile on her face.

“Not much, really,” he responded.

“Come on MacDonald, you have to give me more than that.”

“Fine,” he sighed, “I was pretty lonely if I’m being honest.”

She inhaled sharply, preparing for the conversation that was about to occur, “It was you who chose to be lonely, you did that to yourself, Ross,”

“I suppose I did,” he responded, absent-mindedly picking at his fingers, “I did miss you, you know,”

“Is that why I didn’t hear from you at all for the first three months and then hardly after the two days you were in town?” Her eyes reflected the sadness that was mirrored in his.

“I didn’t think you’d want me to reach out,”

“But I tried reaching out to you, and was met with radio silence! You can say you missed me all you want, Ross, but those are those words. You did not put in the effort to keep in touch with me and just that alone shows me more than you will ever be able to say,”

She stared at him with a fixed gaze. He stared back, each word she said had felt like a stab in his chest. He knew she was right, in a sense, but could not find the words to fix the animosity that had fallen in between them.

Their coffees had begun to get cold, and she was the first to avert her gaze from his as her phone vibrated on the table. Turning it over so the screen didn’t light up, she looked back up at him. Her eyes slightly softened,

Nowhere else is safe, every place leads back to your-

“Did you expect me to just be okay with you coming back into my life?”

“No, I-” he started,

“That I would just put my life on pause for you at any given moment? What happened three months ago in Glasgow was a lapse in judgement on my part, and yes, it was fun, but it was not what I had intended when George invited me to the show.”

“It’s not what I intended either, I don’t know what-”

She cut him off again, “Oh fuck off with that bullshit. You’re telling me you didn’t intend for my legs to open for you when you showed up at my door with two bottles of wine and flowers?” Her voice had lowered to a whisper, not wanting to alert any of the other customers to their conversation.

She paused, her eyes glistening with tears, “You are the only person who knows me inside and out, Ross, and I know you too. So you cannot tell me you showed up that night after the second show with my favourite wine to only watch whatever program was on that night. I’m not that stupid.”

“I have never ever thought that you were stupid” Ross’s eyes stared into hers, and he clenched his fists together, “And it pains me that you would think that I only see you as a way to get a quick fuck and then leave.”

“How else am I supposed to see myself in your eyes when you only reach out to me when it is convenient for you. I am not at your beck and call Ross, and I am certainly not something you can dispose of once you’ve used,”

“I need you to stop talking so negatively about yourself, please. You have to believe me when I say that none of this was ever my intention, and I never want to hurt you. I love you.” Ross’s eyes were now starting to well up with tears, but he blinked them away when he saw that hers were beginning to stain her cheeks.

“I love you too, Ross. But I think that’s why it's so hard for me. You are all consuming, and it’s ruining my life,” she grabbed his hand and squeezed it gently, “I think I need to let you go,”

“What do you mean? I’m back home for at least a few months now, we can make this work!” He was pleading, and his eyes showed nothing but desperation.

“I don’t know if I want to make it work, I don’t know if my heart can take it.”

“So what? We’re just going to go our separate ways now? Forever?” Ross felt his voice crack at the word as his eyes welled up once more.

“For now, yeah. I think we both just need a lot of space to think about this Ross, think about what we really want.”

She wiped away the tears that had fallen and took her hand out of his, standing up and grabbing her coat off the back of the chair. He followed suit, and the two walked out of the coffee shop so they were standing beside her car. She opened her mouth to say something else when she felt him wrap his arms around her, enveloping her in the tightest hug she had ever received.

She buried her head into his chest as the tears fell down her face once more, and felt him kiss the top of her head. The two embraced for what felt like eternity, when it was only a matter of minutes before he pulled away.

“I do love you, you know,” he said with a sad smile, “I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you needed.”

“I don’t want you to blame yourself, it’s the lifestyle you signed up for, it’s just not what I can cope with anymore. You really are one of the best men I have ever met,” she responded, “And I love you too, Ross.”

She turned away from him as more tears started to fall, and she got into her car. The engine turned on and she drove out of the parking lot without giving him a last glance. This would always be a losing battle they would face, so they both needed to be strong and let the other go, because in doing so, they could find themselves.

The carousel never stops turning, so sometimes one of the best things you can do is get off.

We've done this before

And I don't need it anymore

So let's not do coffee, let's not even try

It's better we leave it and give it some time

If I didn't love you, it would be fine

'Cause If we do coffee, it's never just coffee

It's never just coffee

A/N: that marks the end of my first fanfic!! please reblog and let me know what you think! <3<3 also shoutout to @mads198-9 for being my beta reader, ily loser💕💕💕💕