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I was trying to eat noodles neatly and for some reason I got sad midway. So I drew them messy eating a biscuit and a strawberry to combat sad noodle blues.
#Ugh I could've made it messier though.#I tried looking at how the strawberry juice look as it's getting bitten. But looking at a closeup of a mouth eating is kinda uncomfortable#I would need to be paid to look at that again. I dropped it and just winged it. Lol#Hm. I should've at least looked up how goopy it should look. But eh. Drawings finished.#I heard wild strawberries are sour? But these ARE giant strawberries. So this might be a special special kind of strawberry.#I'm not like other strawberries. š¤š Lol#I can't remember what an actual strawberry taste. People made it look pretty good though.#Then again people also made dragon fruit look tasty and it turned out it just tastes like a very very desaturated pear. Lol#Hmmmm but also then again. They also make cherries look good and I LOVE cherries. š¤·āāļø#That ain't the giant Crumbl cookie if anyone's wondering. Connie would probably never spend money on a Crumbl. That's a home made biscuit.#Bruh I can't spell biscuit#I watched someone biting on what I think is a Crumbl and they spit it out. And the pieces sounded like concrete as it hit the table ššš#connverse#connie maheswaran#steven quartz universe#Lion SU#su#steven universe#skedoobles#Ah. Also scribbling this because I needed a break after burning out 3 hours of a commission's allotted time just figuring out what pose#to settle on. So like I only have five hours left to work on their piece. š¬#my shiz#Waitaminuteee in case I unintentionally relayed it wrong. I'm not going to actually just make that allotted commission time just 5 hours no#I recognize not being able to settle a pose for THAT long in a commission is skill issue on my part so I'm not going to carve out 3 hours#Plus at least now I have poses that I *could* make a YCH out of. The body measures are going to be limited however š¤
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March 9th, 2017
10:36 p.m. Ā Sitting here on the couch after waking up at a horrifically late time today. So far, my stomachās been better, at least. I went to bed fairly late last night... Iām not even entirely sure why, honestly. But I did. I stayed up with Tom and Edo too late on PChat, but at least I drew. And got drawing done before then, too. I think going to the coffee shop recharged me a little bit, so I may go again tomorrow. Ā Tomorrowās my first day of having therapy on Friday, which is interesting. And weāve decided as a family to skip Dunsmuir and the houseboat this year to go to Hawaii for a week and a half, which Iām honestly very into the idea of. Iām so ready to have a vacation thatās not near here, that isnāt with family I donāt like much and feel I have to put on a facade with, to go swimming in water thatās aaaalways super warm and enjoyable... Ā Though now it comes down to: Money. I donāt know how I fucked up so much. I had $50,000. So, okay. The first $15,000 came and went in the form of dumb-ass spending, the LA trip, catching up on bills, and a lot of vet stuff, if I recall correctly. But the remainder... So I paid off all my debt aside from the Care Credit stuff which I stillĀ havenāt contacted the vetās office about. That was a pretty serious chunk, I think close to $8,000-$10,000. Then I paid off the remainder of my car, $3,500-$4,000.The rest is a little bit of a mystery to me, in that I canāt see how I managed to piss away so much money without thinking. I mean, itās been a few thousand dollars so far in rent, yes. I think there were a couple of hundred on doctorsā bills... I bought some new clothes (necessary!), I bought my mom a few things-- and OH... The bed, I split Momās gift of a Sleep Number bed for Christmas with Ian, which was a good chunk. But the rest has been on rampant Amazon purchases, wasteful grocery trips, and convenience foods and food delivery. I think itās time for me to open a spending spreadsheet. Today, I did buy too much... My dumbest thing was getting a commission of Casey (which wasnāt much), and then going on Amazon... Of course I really did need a new pack of contact lens cases (Oh, that was another purchase! A year of lenses!) and a new laundry hamper since Momās taken mine to use.... But then I got things for organizing the shower for my stuff, some new hairbrushes, a caddy for my things when I bring them upstairs fully... But. Augh. I would like to go to AnimeExpo this year, Iād like to go to Fanime. Iād like to go to Hawaii. The latter is the most crucial. The middle is very important to me. But Iām scared to even check my balance right now.... My mom owes me close to $500+ right now, my brother probably owes me fifty... I have a check from tax refunds worth nearly $300... But the issue is that I also have to pay registration in May thatās $200, $600 worth of doctorās visits, and $250 on my carās way-past-due fluid change. Ā But the positive is that overall, my monthly cost of living is very low. Itās $450 for rent, which is about as cheap as I could ask for in the area. Food is dependent on how well I budget myself. I barely drive, so gas is honestly negligible, and I get decent enough mileage. I donāt pay for my phone or car insurance, and my health insurance is about $15/month. I do have, overall, roughly $70 of monthly services like Spotify, Netflix, YouTube Red (which people scoff at me having, but let me tell you: itās worth it)... So, actually, I guess much less than that... Additionally, I plan on joining Planet Fitness this weekend, but theyāre cheap. Like $10/month cheap, aside from a $40 annual fee in May. Ā So, Iāve gottaā get income going. Iām dreading going back to doing commissions, but not nearly as much as I dread the idea of a regular job, ugh. At a regular job, I wouldnāt need to make much, so I wouldnāt have to work much. But I cannot stand the stress of it right now. Thereās so much I need to do as it is, and while I know that there would be a lot of structure I could use in having the regularity and social reinforcement of working... The dread associated with clock-watching anxiety and learning a new gig is very upsetting to think about. Ā But, first and foremost, Iāve got to sit down and face the fucking music when it comes to my financial status. I have enough time that I can fix anything that itās at right now -- I mean, making $500 a month would be great, thatād last me a while, I think, but making $1,000/month would probably cover me entirely the whole month. Iād probably be banking a couple of hundred as long as I was being conservative..... Ā So, I think itās about time I figure out what Iām doing. The more that I think about it, a job sounds preferable. But it has to fit in with my therapy schedule now, too. But, doing adoptions and YCH commissions wouldnāt be bad, either. I can charge a lot for those and the stress of finding a pose or whatnot would be minimized. If I could make a species people liked enough, Iād basically be able to just make multiples of the same character with enough modifications that theyāre their own person at that point. So. Ā Iām getting anxious thinking about this. I like how my response to all of this is embarrassment, and that I canāt help being like,Ā āAh, itāll be fine, moneyāll show up, I just have to wait it out.ā But until my dad passes on, thatās not gonnaā happen. Not like when my mom dies that Iāll be getting anything but debt and obligation,Ā ālolā. And I really donāt want to wait on someone to die to get money, right. I really donāt want to be scraping as I wait. Iāve thought about applying for disability-- I know when push comes to shove that I canĀ work, but the intensity of anxiety attached to it is so severe... But Iād rather not use that unless I really need it. Food stamps, though. Thatās not a bad plan. Thatād cover a huge amount of my expenses. So, weāll see. Ā My medication isnāt going great. I mean, Iām not constantly thinking Iām going to die, but my sexual dysfunction and motivation are saaaaapped. Plus, the increase in tinnitus, the weight gain (if thatās attributed to anything other than the lack of motivation which includes me eating poorly), the headaches, the intestinal stuff... I feel like 20 mg was way more effective than 40 mg. But then again, maybe Iāve also gone past the placebo effect or the initial bubble. But I need to keep riding it out. I mean, I have to get another psychiatrist set up as soon as possible to work on this, yes, but I need to also do what I can now to get shit rolling. Augh.
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