#Plus Hestia but she gets included cause she’s Kronos daughter

[meteor752]

Not much of a compliment but HEY ILL TAKE IT!!

How each Greek god would be like in bed except not all of them because that would literally be insane okay I’m not putting myself through that

Also just fyi this is based purely on vibes and not any particular myths. If a specific myth goes against what I am saying here, then like I do not care.

Let’s start with the big boy, Zeus.

Very selfish lover. Like, obviously, it’s Zeus, what’dya expect? Thing is tho, he is fully capable of being an incredible bed partner. If he’s trying to impress whoever he is laying with, or possibly a third party member, then he can be sweet and caring and attentive and make the experience nothing short of divine. Most of the time he just doesn’t do that. Fucking bitch.

Hera is honestly just as bad. Since she stays faithful (for some reason), she’s only ever having sex with Zeus, and he for sure isn’t doing anything to give her pleasure, so she gotta take it for herself. If you managed to take Hera to bed, well then first of all congratulations, and second you are getting absolutely nothing. Just don’t sleep with these two, it’s not worth it

Apollo is the opposite, an incredibly generous and doting lover, you’re guaranteed a wonderful time. The problem with him though is that the concept of a one night stand is not a thing in his book. You’ll have sex with him one time, and he’ll be convinced that you two are madly in love and trust me he will tell you that. Historically being a mortal lover of Apollo will just end horribly, so don’t take the risk.

Hermes is meanwhile the king of one night stands. You’ll not even have come down from you’re orgasm and he’ll already be out the door, sending you a text that just says “Thanks for the good time :P” and you will never see him again.

Side note, I totally headcanon Hermes and Apollo to have fucked once, and Apollo has been infatuated ever since (and is sure Hermes is too) while Hermes does not remember that this has happened.

Aphrodite and Dionysus are in similar boats, but like also not. They’re on the opposite sides of the same scale but idk what that scale is. But both of them are truly freaky as fuck. They can and will try anything and everything, which can occasionally result in the death of their bed partner if they are mortal. I really wanna see the two of them have sex, but like not for any pornographic reason, but because I think if the two of them got together they’d invent kinks and positions the human mind would never be able to comprehend. Your brain might explode.

Ares is so funny to me, because he’s whatever the opposite of a power bottom is called. A Weak Top. Whenever he fucks someone who’s not Aphrodite, they usually want him to be this mean aggressive dom because you know, god of war and bloodshed, but like Ares thinks doing anything other than missionary is too intense and kinky. He’ll rip a man’s throat out with his teeth in the battlefield, but he once started crying because someone asked if he could choke them in bed. You start describing a scene to him and he will just safeword immediately.

The times that Hades takes someone other than his wife to bed, he is…fine. He’s a good lover and he’ll take care of your needs, but it is very clear that his heart is not fully in it. He’d just rather be with his wife lol.

To me Hephaestus has the vibe of like, he knows what sex is theoretically, like he’s read about it and stuff, but he doesn’t fully get it. The flesh is willing but the spirit is kinda confused. It’s more of a mundane task to him, not something you hate doing but also not something to be fully enjoyed. Def some flavour of ace.

Poseidon will get sea creatures involved, whether you like it or not. He’ll turn into a fish, or he’ll turn you into a fish, or there will just also be fish there, there’s just fish. I don’t know what life decisions I made that lead to me having a threesome with Poseidon the god of the sea and an orca, but here we are I guess.

Artemis and Athena are both service tops. They’re ace, but they will take care of you.

Hestia is also ace but she doesn’t enjoy sex in the slightest. She’ll gladly have you over for tea though!

Demeter has the vibe of like, like she enjoys sex the same way a hyper Christian woman does. She’s not sexually active and turns her nose up at the other gods’ constant love making, but she’s just really repressed and secretly loves getting down and dirty.

That’s it lol