#Please enjoy this look at my haphazard building ability

[pushing500]

The Grand Eureka Colony Tour!

It's here at last! The Grand Finale Colony tour! Woo! I'm very proud of this colony, I hope you like it too.

For a sample, let's begin with a shot of the whole of Eureka:

Ta-dah! Isn't it gorgeous? It's a very big colony, so once again I'm going to put the rest of it under the cut so it won't clog up people's dashboards with my screenshots and rambling.

Starting on the left, we've got our first animal pens. The large pen is home to a variety of animals, listed as follows:

Laser, Dominator, Tryst, Clementine, Quintin, Nikita, Safari, Excalibur and Ragdoll the alpacas

Devotion and Mozart the neutrolopes (like boomalopes but for neutroamine, from the 'ReGrowth: Core' mod)

Verona the Cyrenian hind (from the 'Alpha Mythology' mod)

Samson the teratogenic originator (from the 'Alpha Animals' mod)

Teacup, Hayley, Portia, Nadine, Aiko, Fraiser, Salty, Chaplin and Smarmer the horses

Also sleeping in the large pen's barn but not confined by the fences is:

Calvin, Honcho, Whoopie, Zombie, and Paprika the nightling cubs (from the 'Alpha Animals' mod)

Kiki the murkling (from the 'Alpha Animals' mod)

Bryanna and Marauder the red pandas (from the 'Vanilla Animals Expanded' mod)

Tommy Brock the badger, one of only two animals in the colony who does not have a randomized name (from the 'Vanilla Animals Expanded' mod)

Elegance the baby razorjack (from the 'Alpha Animals' mod)

The small pen is where we keep our ducks. They are named Olivia, Pepe, Shrimp, Dynamo, Zack, Tipsy, Augusta, and Adele. They're very useful for eggs, and we cycle through the duck population every few quadrums so we have fresh meat to make kibble (don't tell the ducks that, though).

Speaking of meat, next to the pens are our abattoir/kibble-making freezer, our nutrient paste dispenser, and the prison. Prisoners (and suspected-mime Eva) are put on a strict nutrient-paste-only diet, so the proximity helps.

You can also see three of our twelve chemfuel-powered generators and a teeny-tiny secret patch of smokeleaf that we're growing to keep hippie-drug-cultist Gracie happy. Below that are some decorative chemfuel barrels and our sewage treatment plant.

Next there's the hot tub room with its adjoining facilities, famous for its romantic pink lighting and for being the place where Wookshys proposed to Albina back when I didn't like him.

Also pictured is the children's bedroom, with high-tech illuminated beds, dresser, and end tables so they don't need to worry about being scared of the dark.

Moving on, we have the classroom that has seen so many of my colonists pass on their knowledge to the children in a variety of sweet and amusing interactions. Next to the classroom is the obligatory schoolyard vegetable patch, which provides most of the vegetarian component for the kibble made in the abattoir next to it.

Don't mind Jesse and his square, by the way. I was already drafting this post before a lovely anonymous ask helped me fix the Curse of Jesse's Box (I love you, anon)

Here is the ship we have worked so painstakingly to construct, pictured alongside the tomb for cuterpillar Bernie, a patch of opuntia (prickly-pear) cacti from when Albina was testing one of her psycasts, and the thrumbo barn where Pharaoh, Brandi, Big Dipper, Caramel, Bellboy, Ray, Belladonna, Dollie, Apollo, and Dallas sleep at night.

The Ancient Danger has been transformed into a delightful hybrid space, as it is one part laboratory for mechanitor Fafo to muck about in, one part rec room with a billiards table, a dartboard, and even a television set, and one part drug operation because it is where we grow our psychoid plants ready for when Hussar Henry is old enough to need them (along with some mint and uranium root for funsies).

There are also six more chemfuel generators, an infinite chemreactor, and the legendary monument that Fafo carved depicting her then-fiance now-husband Kaz, which is used as a meditation for all colonists with the artistic focus type.

This is the pool room, which comes with an arcade machine, longwave radio, and roulette table. Next to it are the last three chemfuel generators.

Underneath, there are two barrack rooms. The one on the left is home to Gracie, Emerald, Grump, Hot Minute, and Sam the razorjack. The barracks on the right is currently only home to Jesse and Kelorul, along with Beau the razorjack. There's also a bathroom close by for easy access.

The devil sheep pen is home to many adorable little red devilstrand-producing sheep from the 'Alpha Animals' mod. Sixteen of them to be exact! Their names are Blossom, Petit, Persephone, Tank, Clarence, Crockett, Stellar, Dudette, Violator (my favourite), Honed, Soldier, Heather, Seargent, Fabian, Adonis, and Cassandra. Ingrid the red panda also sleeps in the devil sheep pen for some reason.

To the right you can see a neat little dining area with some sculptures and an industrial radio for recreation, and below that is the temple used by followers of Wendy, Laurie, and Jesse's ideology. There's also a horseshoes pin, for anybody who feels like some low-tech recreation.

Then there are the boomalope pens, made out of granite instead of wood to avoid any potential fire mishaps. They contain the main providers of the chemfuel we use to power our twelve chemfuel generators. The top pen contains our two male boomalopes, Hunter and Dude, and the bottom pen has the three females, Margarita, Missile, and Liability.

I am of the opinion that "Missile" and "Liability" are the best randomly generated names a boomalope could ever have.

Here is our Wedding Chapel/music room, a lovely little space that the couples of Eureka like to frequent in order to enjoy some musical romance with one another (demonstrated here by Kaz playing the drums for his lovely wife).

Outside we also have a little barbecue and dining area for those few colonists who aren't vegetarian, and in the top left corner, you can see the band node that Fafo is tuned to so that she can hopefully get more mechs in the future!

This is Eureka's clothing closet (and where we keep the caravan bedrolls too). That long rectangle building in the bottom left is a "monument" we built for the Empire, which is now a fireproof chemfuel storeroom, and also where we brew chemshine to sell to traders (and to satiate Eva's chemical interest trait).

Fafo made both of those monuments, but only one of them (the pyramid) is of legendary quality. The other is only excellent quality, and depicts "a politician playing blackjack with a thousand hooligans".

Some of the planting zones are here, too, including our blueberry field and apiary, one of our chickpea patches, some rice, some cotton, and some sugarcane.

Some more planting zones (rice, chickpeas, potatoes, onions, more rice and chickpeas, even more chickpeas, gold fern, allspice, plasteel bulbs), along with our only wind turbine and the first solar panel we ever built.

The bedroom at the top right is Albina and Wookshys' room, they share it with Rogan the rottweiler (from the 'Vanilla Animals Expanded' mod). The bedroom below that is Kaz and Fafo's room, which they share with Kaz's bonded razorjack Roxy (from the 'Alpha Animals' mod). The bedroom in the middle is where Hazrov and Candlelight sleep, along with Reaper the razorjack and Anatoly the Tasmanian devil (from the 'Vanilla Animals Expanded - Endangered' mod).

Four more bedrooms here:

Top left is Wendy and Tamarind's room, shared with Stabber the razorjack (from the 'Alpha Animals' mod)

Top right is Kawoo and Andrei's room, shared with Frisbee the pulmonoscorpius (from the 'Megafauna' mod). Outside their bedroom are also three cheese presses, where we... ~drumroll please~... make cheese!!

Bottom left is Vu and Laurie's room

Bottom right is Baz and Zonovo's room, which they share with Jellybean the razorjack.

Moving on, we can see the temple of The Wavian Path (Wookshys' sub-cult), with the tomb we built for Wendy and Pearl underneath it. Pearl is still buried there, alongside Fafo's nephew Pinovo because Wendy was resurrected.

Across from the tomb is the landing pad for shuttles and such, along with our ground-penetrating scanner and long-range mineral scanner. In the top left corner, you can also see our main workshops, which contain our smelter, smithy, machining table, fabrication bench, and animal bionics tables. The room with the fabrication bench is also where Buccanneer the drebbbd (from the 'Ebbbs' mod) sleeps.

Outside the workshops are our weapons shelves.

I'm glad I eventually decided to like Wookshys, look how content he is hanging out here on his little fishing bridge. He's close by a lovely picnic table, some bathrooms, an obelisk, and some plantations of almond trees and water chestnuts. He's having a grand time. This site is so pretty, it's one of my favourite places in the whole colony.

There's also a bathing zone on the other side of the bridge, but I... Uh... I wouldn't swim there for a while. The recent raids might have polluted the water a bit.

Here's our natural meditation area, home to our beloved Anima tree, three Gauranlen trees, and a little jade nature shrine.

Connie is connected to one of the Gauranlen trees, and she has two berrymaker dryads named Herbert and Mortimer. They're very sweet, and I love them both.

Jesse is connected to another Gauranlen tree and currently has a medicinemaker dryad named Wiseguy. A big help to the colony and an all-around cute little guy.

The last Gauranlen tree is connected to colony leader Albina, and she has a funky little acidic spitter dryad from the 'Vanilla Ideology Expanded - Dryads' mod. His name is Rolland, and I adore him. He's so snakey and fun. I should try to draw him someday.

Here's our freezer, our kibble shelves with Colonist-Gracie's secret smokeleaf-joint-rolling crafting spot hidden between them, one of the bathrooms, the water pumping/treatment facilities for said bathroom, and our single mortar with the shelf that has shells for it.

This is the majestic temple for The Path of Animism, the one true ideology for The Animist Alliance. We don't do a whole lot in here, but it's nice to look at. Below the temple is the storeroom for things that don't have to be in the freezer, which is mostly wood and silver at the moment.

We also have the crematorium and some of our fruit trees (four lemon trees, two avocado trees, a blood orange tree, and an apple tree). In the weird divet in the wall of the crematorium is an animal sleeping spot for our geriatric salamander Orion, from the 'Alpha Mythology' mod.

Here we have the obelisk marking our crash-landing site, next to our patch of peas and our outdoor dining area. In the top left corner is Debby and Eva's bedroom, which they share with Polly and Limbo the nightlings (from the 'Alpha Animals' mod).

Beneath that room is the room Brennan used to share with Debby, but now sleeps in alone since the divorce. There are sleeping spots in there for Cinnamon and Moonstruck, Brennan's steel and rock constructs, but I don't think they actually sleep, so the spots aren't used. Behind her room is the stonecutting bench.

In the middle, above the pea patch, is Barghest's room. He's ascetic and doesn't care for fancy things, so it's just him, his bed, and a sleeping spot for Flicker the razorjack (from the 'Alpha Animals' mod). Sleeping along the outside of Barghest's room are:

Hood, Elias, and Huck the red pandas (from 'Vanilla Animals Expanded')

Sinbad the thrumebbb (from the 'Ebbbs' mod)

Witch the cave bear (from the 'Vanilla Animals Expanded - Caves' mod)

Echo the short-faced bear (from the 'Megafauna' mod)

Asset the ankylosaurus (from the 'Biomes! Prehistoric' mod)

And then on the right side, we've got the kitchen/dining room, alongside the art and tailoring benches.

Eureka has a very well-equipped hospital, with plenty of high-tech medical facilities and a sterile drugs lab which has been put to use making lots of medicine to tend injuries and go-juice for when Henry is old enough to be dependant on it.

The research lab is where Brennan spends most of her time, and often one of the kids will hang out in there with her, radiotalking to get their learning desire up.

You'll never be short a bathroom in Eureka, there are plenty to choose from, and most of them are quite nice (in my humble opinion). There's also a lovely hot spring surrounded by manicured lawn, should you choose to relax that way. It is situated quite close to our rock/bone pile, but I can't be bothered rearranging it, so it remains an eyesore, I'm afraid.

There are also some transport pods that are used for the occasional trip out-of-colony or to dispose of toxic wastepacks until we finish researching the wastepack atomizer.

If hot springs aren't to your taste, you could always relax in the saunas! They're found right beside the bedroom that Irwin and Connie share with Bartholomew the ripper hound (from the 'Alpha Animals' mod) and Energizer the angora rabbit (from the 'Vanilla Animals Expanded - Royal Animals' mod), who is the only animal aside from Tommy Brock the badger to not have a randomized name.

Next to Irwin and Connie's room is a small table and two more animal sleeping spots, one for Chianti the boombat (from the 'Vanilla Animals Expanded' mod) and Bernardo the dimorphodon (from the 'Biomes! Prehistoric' mod).

Eureka has plenty of guest rooms for hosting friends and family from other factions, mostly our allies from The Android Alliance. We don't charge for staying here, as the bounties of The Animist Alliance should be free of charge for everyone to enjoy!

In the top right, you can also see most of the water treatment facilities attached to the prison bathrooms and the hot tub room.

Finally, we have some more solar panels and our cocoa tree plantation, surrounded by coral coconut trees grown by another of Albina's psycasts gone awry.

And that concludes the endgame colony tour! I hope you like Eureka as much as I do. It's been a lot of fun playing with the City Builders meme, as I usually go for the "massive superstructure" instead of "quaint village", so it was a nice change of pace. I also think the end result is a very homey feeling community, so that's nice.

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[nafeary]

Napoleon, Theo, Dazai, and Jean reacting to College Student!MC Stressed by Deadlines

Requested by @hqissodelicate:

hey toni boo, sara/delicateikemenmemes here ❤ i've been Going Through It with school 😔 so i was thinking of how my boos napoleon, theo, dazai & jean would react to MC who's a (stressed, exhausted) student who got yeeted to the mansion in the midst of a bunch of deadlines? thank you boo & i hope you're drinking your water 💙😤

✧✎ A/N: I’m sorry it took me this long to finish... but this was super fun to write and it helped me get back into writing after such a long break due to school bs. I’m not too satisfied with Dazai’a and the haphazard scenario/headcanons mush, but I still quite like this I think. Thank you for the request dear! Take care and drink water, everyone!

Warnings: Stress and mild mentions of anxiety, and like one mention of sexual intercourse

Napoleon Bonaparte

“You’re just a chore, after all.”

You whirled around. “Don’t act like your job is going to be that hard,” you could only scoff in annoyance, “I’m going to be inside my room all day, anyway.”

At first, Napoleon was slightly confused by your statement. Wouldn’t you want to explore this new world at all? But according to code, he’d just smirk and go (sleep) do smth

And true to your statement, you did stay inside your room for the most part

It’s not like your quadrillion essays would write themselves

It’s not like your college would just excuse your tardiness

It’s not like—

“Nunuche, you sure you don’t need a break from... whatever you’re doing?”

Napoleon was quite suddenly standing besides you, trying to read the mess that you’ve created.

“And who gave you permission to enter?”

“Me, obviously. I did have the impression that you were in danger, judging from the amount of curses I perceived.”

You could have died from embarrassment. Of course he had to hear your yells of frustration, stemming from the fact that your laptop was out of order, that you had no idea how to use ink properly, and—

“Have you realised that you regularly zone out?”

“I suppose? But if you wouldn’t mind, I really need to finish...” you trailed off, gesturing to the papers in front of you.

However, at his inquisitive gaze, you decided to explain that these were essays that could very well decide how you’d pass university, and, upon further inquiry, elaborated how a modern student’s life looked like

He never interrupted you unnecessarily, only to ask questions when a concept was too modern for him to comprehend

Your cursed assignments certainly made your life in the past harder to enjoy, but it also brought you and the emperor closer than ever

Unable to access the internet—or visit the college library—you had no proper sources for you references (considering that Comte’s library had no modern content, naturally)

You also didn’t want to bother Sebastian, especially since him and Comte had shown so much understanding for your peril that they practically forbid you from helping him out around the mansion

Their reasoning didn’t make you feel less bad though

Hence, you only had one option left that could complete your last essay

Which oh-so conveniently encompasses the Napoleonic Wars, something you truly did not want to burden him with

“Napoleon? Remember those essays that I have to finish for my university courses?”

“Of course.”

You were twiddling your thumbs, contemplating whether your grades are worth revisiting unpleasant memories, aka the taboo of the mansion

Abruptly, he grabbed your cheeks with just enough force to turn you away from looking at your feet, but not enough to inflict pain. “If there is anything I can help you with, I’d never shy away from it.”

Begrudgingly, you inquired him about his reign with as little focus on the gruesome details as possible your professor be damned

And holy shit, he’s amazing at writing? And Not just cringey love letters? Panty Sniffer Napoleon brrrrr

As you grew closer, he’s spoil you with vitamin-rich snacks (going as far as asking Arthur and Sebastian for medical advice)

He enjoys carving cute shapes out of fruits and eggs because he knows that their and his adorable presence will prompt the perfect amount of distraction to allow a small moment of rest

Says that it’s his duty as your guard and boyfriend to take care of your overworking habits

Expect frequent complaints from your beau, ranging from “how could they assign so many essays? Aren’t students just humans, too?” to “‘Reasons Why Edison Is Better Than Newton’? Do they even know what they’re talking about? Tch!”

Theodorus Van Gogh

You gleefully indulged in his charades for the first few days. They were a welcome distraction from your college work, after all

But the procrastination was accompanied by guilt, your anxiety building up every second you spent helping Sebastian with the chores, and gallivanting around town with Theo

A week passed before your sense of responsibility finally kicked in. So when Sebas came to wake you up just as the sun peaked past the horizon, you were already scribbling away on some sheets you’d found in your drawers

“Ah, good morning, Sebastian-san.”

“Good morning... what are you writing, if I may ask?”

“Just some essays for my college courses...” you said, glancing dejectedly at your notes.

Now that you didn’t have access to the internet, and your laptop’s battery was all used up, it made your work all the more tedious, but you had to set your teeth and do this.

“Give me 10 minutes, and I’ll join you in the kitchen.”

He had wanted to argue, but you didn’t let him. And when he saw you leaving the house with Theo later in the afternoon, he could only shake his head.

You felt like you owed the art dealer, especially since you blurted out his secret the literal next moment, so you committed to helping him while also keeping up with your work

Although, him calling you dog wasn’t nice either—even though, according to Sebas’ explanation, Hondje wasn’t exactly the equivalent to mutt

That cycle continued for days. Helping out around the mansion, getting pulled around by Theo, and writing your essays deep into the night

Not to mention all the worries that pressured your shoulders further and further into the ground

You were missing so many group project deadlines, disappointing people that relied on you... it was safe to say that sleep did not come easy, if barely

Just before you arrived at your room after a late night art exhibit did your body decide to fail you, tripping over nothing multiple times.

It prompted Theo to call you out before you could even think of rushing past the door, steadying you with a hand more gentle than you had ever experienced it to be.

“Sebas informed me that you’ve been working yourself to death.”

You silently cursed the butler. “I haven’t—“

“Give me your laptop.”

Perplexion ran across your mien, wondering how he could possibly have remembered such a modern detail from your countless rambles. “It’s batt— it doesn’t work right now, so it’s not like it would stop me from working.”

Arguing with the devil was a mistake.

He snaked his arms around you, holding the door handle in place with one hand while the other still kept you upright. “I don’t care whether you work or not, I’m not your mother. And regardless of its abilities, hand it over, knabbletje.”

What other choice did you have but to comply?

He ordered—yes, ordered—you to go to bed right that instant

If you hesistanly ask him to do the same (we all know what a hard worker he is), he’ll just press a guileless kiss to your forehand, telling you not to worry about him

The next morning, you were already worrying for your baby’s safety within the sadist’s hands when the devil invited himself into your room

“Ever heard of knocking?”

“Morning to you, too, Hondje.” He sent you an overly handsome smirk, handing you the laptop tucked underneath his arms. “You won’t be able to use that spider web Sebas told me about, but writing should work.”

You stared at Theo in disbelief, all the while internally laughing at him misinterpreting the World Wide Web. Deciding to trust in him, you clicked the power button. And sure enough, it sprang to life. “What... how in the world did you...”

Leo overheard you and Sebas talking about solar energy sometime… hush, just run with it

He fell into the seat next to you, propping his chin upon his fist. “I didn’t do anything. Just asked Sebas whether there was a way for you to use this. Leonardo took notice and tinkered around with it. Don’t ask—ah!”

You threw your arms around his shoulders, pressing your face into the crook of his neck. “Thank you for taking care of me, Theo.”

Would you have lifted your face, then you’d have caught a glimpse of the vermillion shading his cheeks. “I didn’t do it to help you. I simply can’t risk having you become a liability at work. That’s all.”

Anyway, tsundere tendencies aside, you know what another big factor of dating Theo is?

King if you’re not allergic, understandably, if so, he’ll change his clothes before even thinking of visiting you

On days that you decide to be especially stubborn, he pulls you outside, all the whilst whistling for the jolly golden retriever

And as soon as he comes running, your mind goes brrrrr cute dog

Although, he’ll try his best not to distract you from work. He knows from personal experience that it’s a much bigger annoyance than help

Thus, he’ll certainly use his connections and amiable rip Shakes relationships with the residents to help you out with the research process

Also, with his superior memory, he knows what generally makes you happy and relaxed, so he’ll be his usual observant self to decipher just what would help you perfectly relax/finish your work

Hardworking boi, please love him

Dazai Osamu

Dazai is the type of person that doesn’t mind upsetting people and risking someone’s disdain if it supports that person in the long run

And he’s able to read people like books, so it shouldn’t be surprising that he knows you’re overwhelmed before you even realize it

You’ve been going to sleep too late and waking up too early? He’ll gently force you (if you’re 100% against it, he won’t do it ofc) to sleep beside him, making sure that you won’t rise with the sun for once

You’ve been exposing your wrist to heavy sprain? He’ll teach you some handy-dandy 5 Min Crafts techniques that are guaranteed to send your hands on a vacation

You've been suffering from writer’s block? Time to go on a lovely stroll through nature with your boo

Your shoulders and neck are hurting beyond sanity? He swears by hot springs, so the thermae is his go-to for when you need to relive some muscle kinks

He never fails to procure the perfect amount of bubbles and temperature. And depending on how comfortable you are with it, he’ll offer to wash your hair.

And since dude got Disney princess hands, you most probably fall asleep, but our man is there to hold you above the water

His bare thighs are an added bonus, sending your mind into spirals faaaar away from college work

After you’re done bathing, he’ll ask you whether you’d like him to braid your hair (if it’s long enough), and his Disney princess hands will not disappoint

In the beginning, it was incredibly vexing to have a security cam in the form of a handsome man always on the qui vive

But at some point, you started embracing Dazai’s overwhelmingly passive—you knew exactly what he was doing whenever he’d do something random—protectiveness

Especially since it didn’t only help you complete your work; on the contrary, you were always excited to spend time with the Japanese writer

But that didn’t curb your confusion at the whole debacle. Why was he this focused on your well-being?

So, you decided to confront him

“Dazai?” Once again, you were relaxing in his arms, his fingers threading through your hair lulling you into a dreamlike state.

He ticked his head to the side, pulling your entwined hands closer towards his heart. The sun streamed into the run at just the right angle, yet the golden light was not as bright as his vivid citrine orbs.

You sighed, unable to look at his stupid handsome face for too long. ”Why is it that you insist on taking care of me?”

“Someone has to, Toshiko-san.”

You’d have blurted out your feelings if it wasn’t for the sudden embrace you found yourself in. As guileless as it appeared, you knew he was trying to stop you from acting on your thoughts.

Deciding that you didn’t want to pressure him further (after all, you knew that he had a hellish first life), you accepted the unclarity of his feelings—even though his actions spoke loud enough for you to understand.

It was that day that you decided to repay him for all he’s done for you

And you wouldn’t let him yeet himself through a window in an attempt to evade the love sent his way this time

Even if it took decades, you wanted him to feel just as safe and loved as you did in his company

You were glad to have such a caring man by your side who helps you with managing you self care

You could only hope that he’d allow himself to be treated the same way

Please just take our love, boo. We love you

Jean d’Arc

Well fuck, how could he possibly help someone who’s stressed when he himself is a 24/7 McDonalds that only sells Chicken McStress?

Anywho, I feel like he’d be the complete opposite of Dazai when confronted with a stressed MC

He’d care just as much, of course, but he thinks that it would be better to give her space, since he himself understands the desire for solitude well

So yeah, I can see him not going out of his way to check up on you if you weren’t super duper close friends/lovers IF it wasn’t for his friend Napoleon

After all, it was him who gave your boyfriend a lil talk, convincing him that, perhaps even if someone needs space, they probably still need someone to look after them

Living with Jean is basically Ted Talks everyday

Anyway, he embarked on his journey to hopefully help you and and to relieve some stress that was wearing you down (according to the statement of several residents)

And, finding himself halting abruptly, our pessimistic little bean realised that he’s got zero idea what did help you attain bliss

So he opted for the next best option—things he knew that made his friends relax

Plan A

Hearing a few oddly reluctant raps on your door, you went to open it. As soon as you did, the beautiful man who’d captured your heart entered your vision, your eyes finding his amethyst ones immediately.

You two stayed like that for a moments, only breaking eye contact when he sighed and simultaneously thrusted a mug into your hand, already in the process striding back to his own room.

“Uhm… Jean? I’m a bit busy right now, but would you like to come in?”

His eyebrows furrowed. “Don’t you find it inappropriate for a man to enter your room, mademoiselle?”

“Jean,” you giggled at his archaic mindset, gently rubbing your thumb between his brows to even out the crease. “We’ve had sex before, you know. Of course you ca—“

Wrong thing to say. He stormed past you, vermillion cheeks practically leaving a trail.

Chuckling to yourself, you turned to the mug’s contents. “Hm? Hot chocolate?”

Plan B:

“If this doesn’t harbor your discomfort…” Your boyfriend reluctantly stood in your room’s corner, standing straighter than a rod.

Frankly, your essays have kept you entirely too busy, and you longed for the warmth of the French man’s feather-like embrace.

“On the contrary, I enjoy your presence.” And you went right back to scribbling away.

Jean frowned. “Haven’t you been writing stories since this morning?”

“They’re not stories… and, yeah? I believe so.”

Stepping towards your seated form, he extended his hand; you grabbed it without thinking twice. “Is everything alrig—whoa!”

With the ease of a seasoned soldier, he picked you up before haphazardly tugging you into bed with bewilderment maring your features. “You should sleep.”

“—what?”

He stared at you blankly, as if expecting you to fall into the land of dreams right that instant.

“Did something prompt,” you slipped your arms out from underneath the duvets, gesturing wildly, “this?”

It was hard to be upset with Jean, his clueless but genuine persona the reason why you fell for him, yet you couldn’t disguise the irritation coursing through your veins—you had work to return to, after all.

“I think you need to rest, mademoiselle.”

Your blinking made him avert his eyes, explaining quietly, “I am uncertain what supports your release of tension, so I thought that perhaps sleeping could help since it certainly does show affect with Napoleon.”

“Ah, and you made me hot chocolate since that’s what calms Mozart.”

After internally simping for his soft and wholesome dumbass energy, you pulled him to bed beside you, claiming that it would help you relax (but only after telling him that it was okay for him to ask for your preferences)

And falling asleep to the heartbeat underneath his broad chest is definitely a 5-star-resort vacation

He’d eventually ask his relationship advisor Napoleon whether it is okay to have you help them out with his reading/writing lessons (you

You, alongside Napoleon, steadily agreed, despite knowing that it was a ploy to keep you away from overworking

Please also love this boy, thanks

Tag List of the most wonderful sweethearts (just message me if you’d like to be added <3): @juminly @kisara-16 @sweetlittlemouse @thesirenwashere @nad-zeta @delicateikemenmemes

[agentkatie]

Cullen/Shepard coffee shop AU?

This prompt is *squints at drafts* 84 years old, but after joking about it for so long I’ve finally written it! Enjoy!

The whole thing is below the cut, or alternatively you can read it all over on AO3.

5,394 words, in which Cullen repeatedly orders coffee despite Shepard’s flagrant misspelling of his name. Rated M for Shepard’s singular ability to lower the tone.

- - - - -

Cullen squinted at the blackboard behind the counter, struggling to make sense of the menu. When the Iron Bull had suggested grabbing coffee outside of the office Cullen had been hesitant, keen to continue his work at his desk, but for the sake of getting to know his new colleagues he had relented. He now regretted that decision. The artisan coffee shop across the street was too small and too loud, the haze of chatter making it difficult for him to think and the rich aromas invading his senses, and he longed to be back at his desk with a simple, pronounceable cup of tea.

“Great, she’s got her Antivan flatbread in again,” Bull said, inspecting the glass cabinet full of cakes and muffins with great interest. “Made your mind up yet?”

Cullen glanced at the indecipherable list of coffees once more before shrugging his shoulders. “I think I shall just have something back at the office.”

“Something wrong?”

“No,” Cullen said. “My choice in coffee is just generally less…”

Bull smirked at him. “Interesting?”

“Pretentious.”

“Hi!”

The sudden bright voice behind him made him jump, and his heart sank as he swivelled around to find one of the shop’s employees behind him: a small redhead in a coffee-stained apron and a name badge which simply read Shepard. Her eyes bore into him, one eyebrow arched as she regarded him with a mixture of annoyance and amusement, and in any other circumstance he might have been impressed by her ability to intimidate with just a look; as it was, he only hoped she wasn’t about to put salt in his coffee.

“Shepard’s House of Pretentious Coffee,” she said, stepping behind the counter and fixing him with a smile which didn’t quite reach her eyes. “How may I help?”

“Ah — forgive me,” he mumbled, rubbing the back of his neck as he felt the telltale prickle of embarrassment flushing his cheeks. “I did not intend—”

“Of course not; that would have been rude.” She turned to Bull, her smile softening into a more genuine one. “Hey, Bull. Who’s your friend?”

“Shep, this is Cullen,” Bull grinned back at her, clearly amused by the situation. “He’s our new city editor. Cullen, Shepard.”

“And what can I get you?”

Cullen took one final look at the menu above her head before resigning himself to being undoubtedly her most boring customer all day. “One black coffee, please. To go.”

“Sure. Any specifics?”

“How specific can you get with a black coffee?”

He meant it as a genuine question but it came out derisive and flippant, and she shot Bull a look of clear chastisement for daring to bring such a philistine into the shop. “One black coffee, then. Bull? The usual?”

Bull nodded. “And some of that flatbread.”

They moved to the side as a new stream of customers entered, most of whom he recognised from the office, and though Bull chatted idly to him Cullen found his attention instead drawn to Shepard. She set about brewing their coffee quickly and efficiently, humming a half-tune to herself as she worked, the broad smile and easy manner she offered each new customer far warmer than it had been towards him — and he fleetingly wished he hadn’t been so him, so that he might have seen that smile properly for himself. Still, she was pleasant enough when she handed their drinks over, and his coffee tasted good, the perfect mix of bitter and sharp; he almost considered ordering a cake to go with it, but restrained himself, figuring he’d annoyed the woman enough already.

It wasn’t until he was outside and walking back towards their offices that he glanced at the side of his cup, and saw the name she’d scrawled there.

“I think I upset her.”

“Who, Shep?“ Bull asked, taking a sip of his coffee. Cullen nodded. “Nah. She’s got thick skin.”

“She wrote ‘Colon’ on my cup.”

Bull snorted with amusement as Cullen held out his cup as proof. “Well, she also likes a bit of conflict.”

Cullen groaned as the prickle of embarrassment rushed back to him, this time for the impression he’d created with his new colleague. “Maker’s breath,” he said, taking a long gulp of his drink in the hope it would hide the colour his cheeks were turning.

“Don’t worry about it,” Bull told him, chuckling as he clapped him on the shoulder. “There’s plenty of coffee in the staff room.”

—

Cullen’s mornings started earlier than most. He left his flat each day before the trickle of commuters could give rise to the full stream, the tubes quiet save for the rattle of the rails, just he and a handful of bleary-eyed businesspeople committed to such a routine. He’d intended to head straight to the office as usual, giving him a few solid hours to work before the noise and bustle descended, but as he passed the little coffee shop on the final stretch he felt compelled to go inside.

Because Shepard’s was the name of the shop. He groaned as his eyes landed on the name, not having realised he’d insulted the owner the previous day and feeling even more foolish for it. It would only be a matter of time before he’d be cajoled into going again, either by Bull or someone else in the office, and so he figured he might as well get it out of the way — and, he hoped, if he apologised now maybe it wouldn’t be so uncomfortable later.

And besides, he could do with a cup of coffee.

Despite the early hour he wasn’t alone in the shop, though it was far calmer, the muted conversations of tired workers cut across by the clanging of spoons against mugs. Shepard however appeared fresh faced, seemingly deep in thought as she arranged the day’s pastries in the cabinet.

He hadn’t noticed on their first meeting just how pretty she was. Now, as he hesitated by the cash register and hoped she’d spot him there, it was hard to think of anything else — hard not to be taken in by her wide brown eyes, and the crimson hair carefully weaved into a braid, and the charming splash of freckles across her cheeks. He supposed he’d been too distracted by his own tactlessness before to pay such things any mind, but he wasn’t sure being distracted in this way was better.

At length she glanced in his direction, her look of surprise quickly shifting to a more neutral one. “Hi,” she said, giving him a wan smile as she moved behind the counter. “Black coffee again?”

“You remembered.”

Her smile widened a fraction. “It’s not a hard one.”

He cringed internally as she started on his order, because of course she remembered the man who’d insulted her business and his boring black coffee. “I wanted to apologise for what I said yesterday,” he blurted out. “I was being…”

“Pompous?” she suggested. “Ignorant? A pain in the ass?”

He frowned at her, his remorse flickering. “Are you like this to all your customers?”

“Yeah. I’m surprised anyone comes back.” She smiled at him again, but it was a different one this time, a mischievous grin which invited him in as a co-conspirator, and he just couldn’t help but return it. “Don’t worry about it; I’ll take it as a challenge. I’ll have you ordering little cinnamon sticks in your coffee before the year is out.”

He scoffed before he could catch the impulse. “I highly doubt that.”

“Are you like this to everyone in the service industry?”

He was about to apologise for a second time, cursing himself for his immediate return to boorishness — but then he caught the mirth in her eyes, and how she’d reflected his question back at him, and he hoped he could say something she’d appreciate more. “Yes. I’m surprised anywhere lets me in.”

She grinned again, with a soft laugh this time, her demeanour relaxing further as she returned her attention to his drink. “So — city editor, huh? Where did you work before?”

He was briefly surprised that she’d remembered such a trivial detail, but recovered himself quickly. “Uh— freelance, mainly. I’ve been looking for a permanent post for some time.”

“That’s a step up.”

“I know,” he admitted, rubbing the back of his neck. “Fortunately Mr Trevelyan was willing to give me a chance.”

“Marcus is a good guy,” she said, an unmistakable fondness in her tone now. “You know, for a twelve year old who’s somehow running an entire newspaper.”

“I am sure he’s older than he looks,” Cullen chuckled. “How do you know him?”

“Your building is half my customer base,” she said with a shrug. “If your paper ever goes out of business then so will I. Pastry?”

“Uh— yes. Maybe.” He didn’t want a pastry, for he rarely ever ate breakfast, but he answered without thinking, struck by a ridiculous urge to keep talking to her. “I suppose that’s also how you know the Iron Bull?” he asked as he inspected the selection she’d laid out in the cabinet.

“No, actually. We go to the same gym. He’s my boxing partner.”

He looked up at her, eyeing her critically now, unsure how or why a woman a head shorter than him had teamed up with a Qunari who towered over them both. “That seems a little… mismatched.”

“You don’t think I can take him?” she said, arching an eyebrow at him as though daring him to contradict her. He held his hands up in surrender, not wanting to return to her bad books — or find out whether she could take him too.

“I just meant you are clearly in different weight categories.”

“You sound just like our instructor. He’s also a pain in the ass.”

He let out a snort of laughter, an unexpected and completely undignified sound he would have been embarrassed about if only she hadn’t smiled in return, and why he was amused by this woman’s oddly cheerful insults was beyond him. “Oi! Jar!” a voice interrupted them, and he pulled his attention away from Shepard to find an elf with a haphazard haircut roughly pushing a tray of mugs onto the counter. “Twice. Don’t think I didn’t hear you before.”

“Ass doesn’t count.”

“Does too. And does three.” Shepard cursed again as she pulled a handful of coins from her pocket, shoving them into a half-filled jar on the counter labelled tips/swears. “Four,” the elf told her, and with a groan she threw another coin in. “And when you’re done flirting, you said you’d help with the tables.”

“I forgot you ran the place,” Shepard grumbled, but the elf merely blew a raspberry at her before returning to her work. “Give me a shout when you’ve picked,” she told him. “The cannoli are great.”

She left him then, alone save for the strange fluttering in his chest which had erupted at the word flirting, and it became painfully obvious why he was browsing pastries and laughing so obnoxiously. He had a crush on her. How utterly predictable.

And she’d written Colon on his cup again.

—

He returned several times a week after that, either by himself in the mornings or with a colleague who’d pestered him into lunch, though in truth he didn’t need much persuading — for the coffee was good, and Shepard’s warm smile each time she greeted him was better. It was a frivolous, pointless crush, yet one he was content to indulge in, taking pleasure from their small snippets of conversation each day without expecting anything more. She continued to get his name wrong, and he wasn’t sure whether she actually thought his name was Colon or if she was just trying to wind him up; he’d almost corrected her, once, before her fingers had brushed his as she’d handed him his drink, and his ability to form sentences had fallen straight from his mind.

The elf, Sera, he suspected knew of his infatuation, for each time he entered the shop she rolled her eyes and muttered something he couldn’t quite catch to Shepard, and it might have scared him off if Shepard didn’t seem to brush off whatever she’d said with ease. The rest of her staff were nicer to him, though variable in their ability to manage the place; the queues were twice as long when an elf from Antiva was serving, and it was rowdier when the man everyone addressed as ‘Hawke’ was around, and the Krogan she’d employed for the grand total of a week had turned the area behind the counter into a war zone. Yet he found himself growing to like the chaos of the place, sometimes even staying to drink his coffee inside — and the fact that Shepard would chat longer with him when he did so was only part of the reason for that.

A month had gone by at his new job before he knew it, and Bull insisted on going out for lunch to mark the occasion; Cullen agreed with very little protest, knowing by now that lunch only ever referred to one place. Shepard’s was busier than usual, and it took several minutes for them to reach the front of the queue, though Shepard herself looked unfazed by the bustle, greeting them both with the same, beautiful smile she always wore.

“Back already?” she said to Cullen, who’d already picked up a coffee that morning. “It must be my lucky day.” She often spoke to him like this, with casual comments somewhere between mockery and flirtation, and she meant nothing by them but his stomach still did a ridiculous flip in response every time. “You boys staying in?”

“Yeah,” Bull said. “Usual for me, Shep. And—”

“The flatbread; I know. How about you? Same again?”

Cullen hesitated, torn between his stubbornness and the curiosity he’d been surprised to discover in himself, before resigning himself to the choice he’d been considering for a week. Even though he knew he’d get teased for it. “Actually, I was— I thought I might like to try something else.”

Shepard’s face lit up as she broke into the broadest grin he’d ever seen her wear, leaning on the counter and propping her chin on her hands. “I knew I’d get you,” she said, her eyes sparkling as she looked up at him. “Go on then. What’ll it be?”

“I— uh—” he floundered, having planned up to this part but never being able to settle on a choice in his mind. “What would you recommend?”

“I don’t think you and me have the same taste, Mr One Black Coffee,” she told him, which was a better name than Colon but which still made heat prickle at the back of his neck. “But if it were me, I’d go for a caramel macchiato.”

“Ah. That may be a little…” he trailed off before he said the word ‘sickly’, but the roll of her eyes told him she knew where his sentence had been going.

“I’ll make you a vanilla latte, then. That’s pretty much you in drink form.”

He narrowed his eyes at her. “Why do I feel like you’re insulting me through the medium of coffee?”

She gasped, putting her hand over her chest in mock hurt. “How could you think I would do such a thing? To my valued customers?” He was on the verge of pointing out her persistent misspelling of his name, but then she winked at him and he all but forgot what his name was; instead he descended into awkward silence as she made their drinks, all the while growing increasingly annoyed at Bull’s easy banter with her.

The pair made their way over to a free table by the window, and it was only when they were seated that Cullen registered Bull’s smug expression. “What?”

“You’re into her.”

“Wha— no,” Cullen said. “Why would you think— I barely know her, and she doesn’t— I wouldn’t even—”

“Sure,” Bull cut off his increasingly inarticulate protests with a knowing smile. “Nice sprinkles.” He said it as though agreeing to chocolate sprinkles was an egregious declaration of love, and Cullen glared at his coffee, mentally making a note never to accept Bull’s offer of lunch again. “She’s single, by the way. And fun. You should ask her out.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Do you harass all of your colleagues like this?” Bull merely scoffed, leaning back in his chair as he began to eat his flatbread, and Cullen knew for his own sake he should drop the subject but there was still one thing on his mind. “She keeps spelling my name… poorly,” he admitted, his cheeks flushing as he said it. “Could tell her that I’m not actually named after the large intestine?”

“Nah,” he grinned at him. “You’ll have to tell her that yourself.”

“Maker’s breath.”

He took a sip of his coffee, surprised first by its sweetness and second by the fact he didn’t hate it, and his gaze involuntarily drifted back to Shepard; she’d started serving someone else but caught his eyes even so, her expression curious as she mouthed good? at him.

Good, he mouthed back, which was perhaps overstating it, but he couldn’t bring himself to say anything else.

Good, she repeated, her smile lighting up her features once more, and his heart fluttered in his chest in response.

Maker, but it was a beautiful smile.

He shook his head to clear it from the absurd hopes which itched at the corners of his mind, taking another sip of his drink and determinedly avoiding Bull’s gaze. Perhaps it was time for him to start making coffee at home.

—

Cullen’s resolve to visit Shepard’s less lasted until 7 a.m. the following morning. During the final stretch of his commute he found his feet leading him into her shop of their own volition, and he would have been annoyed with himself if only he hadn’t been greeted with that smile.

“Morning!” Shepard called out as he entered. “So, have I converted you? Another latte?”

He’d made it halfway through his latte before it became too sweet for him, but he finished it regardless, not wanting to leave a half-finished mug behind. Still, he didn’t like her quite enough to keep ordering it. “Ah— no,” he said sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. “I think I’ve had enough excitement for the time being.”

“Really? Are you really going to break my heart like that?” He simultaneously wished she’d say more and less things like that, equally flustered and captivated by her casual flirtation, and it was that exact reason why he ought to spend less time around her. “Go on then, enlighten me: what didn’t you like about it?”

“I— will you be offended?”

“Depends if it’s the coffee or how I made it.”

“Well, I— the vanilla was a bit strong. And there was too much milk; I could barely taste the coffee.”

“So you actually like black coffee?” she asked. “Rather than you have no fu—uh, no clue what the others are?”

He chuckled at her last-minute recovery, eyeing the tip-slash-swear jar which grew fuller with each passing day. He couldn’t be certain what or who contributed the most to it, but from Hawke and Sera’s constant screeches of ‘jar!’ across the shop floor he had a fairly good idea. “It may be a bit of both,” he admitted.

She considered him for a long moment, seemingly deep in thought with her lips pursed and brow slightly furrowed, and he feared she was about to denounce him as a lost cause. “Alright,” she said just as the silence began to grow uncomfortable. “I know what we’ll do. I’ll give you your black coffee, but I get to experiment with different beans.”

“I like the ones you’ve been using.”

“Oh really?” she arched an eyebrow at him. “Which ones are they?”

“I…” he trailed off immediately, because of course he had no idea about the beans — and she knew it too, the corner of her mouth quirking up in amusement as he struggled not to seem a total fool. “The ones on the left?” he guessed, glancing at the large jars behind her.

“Nice try,” she told him. “I’ll figure out your roast first, then I’ll move onto the blends. But you’ll have to pay attention to what they actually taste like.”

“This sounds a lot like homework. I don’t think I signed up for this.”

“Well, too bad — I’m bored, and you’re cute when you make your little frowny face into your drink.” He somehow managed to choke on the air he was breathing, letting out an inelegant splutter as she broke into an impish grin, and he was now certain she was saying these things to solely to fluster him; he did his best to glare at her, yet that only seemed to spur him on. “That’s the one. Absolutely adorable.”

“Maker’s breath,” he grumbled, sure his whole face was bright red by this point. “I am going to stop coming here.”

“No you aren’t.”

He was going to protest, but he noticed for the first time a hint of blush creeping up her neck, and the way she idly fiddled with a loose strand of her hair — and, for a brief moment, he wondered if maybe her flirtation wasn’t malevolent after all. “No,” he agreed. “I’m not.”

She held his gaze for a fraction too long before breaking it, turning from him as she began to prepare his order, and for one flash of insanity he considered taking Bull’s advice after all. An offer of food outside her place of work was hardly a great commitment, and if the worst came to it he’d just have to avoid her, or perhaps relocate—

“So, how’s work coming along?”

She spoke before him, addressing him over her shoulder in her usual easy tone as she continued to work, and he winced internally as his chance firmly passed him by. But perhaps that was for the best. “Uh— good. Thank you.”

“I read your article the other day. About the new housing policies in Lowtown.”

“Really?” he asked, surprised — and more than a little pleased — that she’d gone to the effort. “What did you think?”

“I think you could’ve thrown in a few jokes.”

“It is a notoriously humorous subject.”

She chuckled, a soft sound that shot a renewed burst of affection through his chest, and how was it possible that he could be so enthralled by simply a laugh? “I actually found it interesting,” she told him. “And it was nice to hear about something good happening. Even if it sounds like it’ll take ages.” She turned back to him as she snapped the lid on his cup, scrawling his name — incorrectly, as always — on the side before he could make any sort of correction. “You’ve got a light roast today. It might not be… coffee-y enough for you, but you have to start somewhere.”

He smirked, unable to resist teasing her just this once. “Is that the technical term?”

“It’s the term I use for the dumbasses who can’t decipher the menu.”

His smirk widened. “Jar.”

She swore again, far more colourfully this time, thrusting a handful of coins into the pot before handing over his drink. He handed over his money in turn, but he hesitated on the spot before leaving, struck once more by that ridiculous urge to keep talking to her. “Thank you,” he said. “I — uh — I shall let know what I think the next time I come in.”

It sounded weak even to his ears, but to his surprise she didn’t seem to mind. “Don’t leave me waiting too long,” she told him, fixing him with a devastating smile.

He had to leave then, because if he stayed she was going to see him turn bright red again, and as he stepped into the sun and glanced at her scrawl on his cup he realised two things. First, that if she’d read his article, then she knew very well how to spell Cullen. And second, that he was completely and hopelessly enamoured with her.

—

The light roast was, as Shepard had predicted, not to Cullen’s taste, but he found the medium far more appealing; emboldened by her success she began experimenting with different blends, and Cullen looked forward to discovering what she had to offer each day. And he looked forward to seeing her, too. She laughed with him over the concoctions he’d hated, and teased him whenever he gave a particularly inept description of a blend, and she smiled at him, as always, with a sincere see you soon when he left.

He wasn’t foolish enough to presume that she treated him alone like this, or that it was anything other than a way for her to pass the time — and he knew, deep down, that how he felt would only cause him heartache in the end. Because it wasn’t just her smile, or laugh, or her beautiful, endless eyes; it was her, her very energy drawing him in with each word and action, and now he’d seen her he couldn’t bear to look away. And so he continued, with vague reassurances to himself that it remained simply a crush, despite knowing that to long be untrue.

He tried his best to avoid lunch with Bull, for he was invariably insufferable each time they set foot in Shepard’s, but there were some days he couldn’t escape it. On this particular one he’d roped Mr Trevelyan into his persuasion; not wanting to disappoint him, he dutifully followed them across the street and into the shop, hoping that Bull wouldn’t mock him too much in front of their boss.

Mercifully, Bull’s attention was distracted by the distinct lack of flatbreads on display, giving Cullen room to discuss his current projects with Trevelyan as he tried not to look at Shepard too often. Which, of course, he failed in. She’d styled her hair differently for once, her crimson hair free from its usual braid and instead piled into a messy bun, and whenever she turned the loose strands at her neck shone copper in the sunlight, drawing his attention back to her each time.

He really should have turned down lunch.

“Hey, Shep,” Bull greeted her as they reached the counter. “Where’s—”

“Don’t start with me,” she warned him, which was not her usual way of greeting her customers, but Cullen sensed she’d had this discussion with Bull more than once before. “I told you I’m not getting it anymore.”

“But—”

“Bull, no-one else buys that bread. You’ll just have to have a panini like everybody else.”

Bull made a noise of disapproval in the back of his throat, frowning at her selection of sandwiches as he muttered something vaguely insulting about customer service. “I got in something new for you,” she turned her attention to Cullen. “It’s a bit nuttier than the blends you’ve been having; I think you’ll like it.”

He was sure she hadn’t bought in anything specifically for him, but it made warmth bloom in his chest all the same, and he didn’t even try to prevent the undoubtedly dopey smile which broke across his face. “I would like that.”

“I see how it is,” Bull grumbled. “You get him fancy beans and my flatbread pays the price.”

“Yeah, well — he’s prettier than you are.” He didn’t even have time to react before she turned next to Trevelyan, which in a way was good, because he had no idea how to respond without stuttering like a fool. “Marcus?”

“Well, I like everything,” Trevelyan told her, offering her an amiable smile which she returned instantly.

“And that’s why you’re my favourite,” she replied, and Cullen tried his very best not to be irrationally jealous. “The usual, and…?”

“And…” he paused to consider the options in front of him. “The tuna melt, please.”

They waited patiently for their orders, Shepard chatting easily with them as they did, and when she handed Cullen his drink he rushed to hide the name she’d written on it from Trevelyan. Bull, however, seemed intent on ruining everyone’s day now his had been, and grinned malevolently at Cullen.

“Why are you holding your cup like that?”

Cullen glared at him as he took — what he intended to be — a nonchalant a sip of his drink. “I am not holding my cup like anything.”

“Yeah you are.”

“No, I’m not.”

“What are you— oh,” Trevelyan laughed, craning his neck to see the side of the cup Cullen was desperately trying to hide from him. “Shepard, you’ve—”

If he hadn’t been his boss, Cullen might have kicked him to shut him up, but it was Bull who put a hand on his shoulder to silence him. “Hold it. Cullen’ll tell her.”

“Tell me what?”

“Nothing,” was Cullen’s knee-jerk reply, but he regretted it instantly, knowing that he’d gone far too long without correcting her — and that if he didn’t do it now then his boss would likely never respect him. “It’s just— it’s Cullen. My name.”

“I know,” Shepard told him. “That’s what I’ve been writing. Colon.”

“Cullen.”

“Colon.”

“Cullen.”

“Callum?”

Bull, whose shoulders had been shaking with silent laughter beside him, finally spoke at that, his voice full of barely-concealed glee. “Give it up, Shep. You lost.”

“You cheated,” she glared at him. “I’m not paying up.”

“I won’t make you pay if you get me my flatbread back.”

“Oh I’ll bring it back, but you’ll be fucking barred when I do.”

“Jar!” Hawke called out, pushing said jar towards her without even looking up from the drink he was making, and with two further curses Shepard threw a handful of coins in it.

“What’s going on here?” Cullen asked, realisation dawning on him as he took in Shepard’s decidedly shifty expression. “Did you bet that I wouldn’t—” he began, but his answer was clear in the way she looked everywhere except at him, and he felt as vindicated as he did embarrassed. “I knew you were doing this deliberately!”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” she held her hands up in surrender. “I run a terribly unprofessional establishment, although you probably should have realised that by now. Your coffee’s on me by way of apology.”

“Make it dinner, and I might consider forgiving you.”

He had absolutely no idea where that came from, the words leaving his mouth before he’d even started to think them, and he winced as the laughter in her eyes fell away. “I— forgive me,” he said, hurrying to backpedal before she banned him from her shop along with Bull. “That is— I shouldn’t— uh…”

But there was no outrage in her expression, only delight, and that faint blush he’d seen but a handful of times, and as his words faltered under her stare she filled the silence as always. “I close up at seven,” she told him. “I like that sushi place with the big fish tank.”

He blinked, once, as her words sank in, and he coughed to clear his suddenly-dry throat before replying. “I shall see you here at seven, then,” he told her in as level a voice as he could manage.

“See you then,” she grinned. “Cullen.”

He nodded to her and his colleagues before turning on his heel, keen to leave before she came to her senses, his heart beating a frantic tune as he strode back towards his office. He wasn’t quite sure how he’d done it, but somehow what he’d hoped for hadn’t been as impossible as he’d believed — and he might have thought he’d imagined it all, if it wasn’t for the cup of coffee grasped tightly in his hand.

He had a date with Shepard. And now he just had to figure out which sushi place she’d been talking about.

—

“So,” Bull said as the three of them watched Cullen march out of the shop. “I guess he’s not having lunch with us.”

“I guess not,” Marcus agreed. “That escalated… bizarrely.”

“Yeah,” Shepard said, unable to contain her grin at the sight of him hurrying away — and she hated that Bull had won their bet, but at least she didn’t have to hold back now. She couldn’t very well have called him Colon on a date. “I’m pretty sure I’m gonna fuck him.”

[Fic Masterpost]

[casualpastelgay]

Title: Eldritch.

Pairing: N/A

Rating: General

Word Count: 1289

Type: Original Content/Snapshot

Notes: This is my first attempt at writing someone else’s OCs, this is a meeting scene between my friend @vess-hs‘ OCs. Colver the fox and Thebas the axolotl. This started out with doodles on sticky notes and transformed into the beginning of a grand adventure. Hope you enjoy!

~*~*~*~*~

In the air, there was the stench of sulfur. It danced through the mass of darkness in a plane unknown to most, other than the entity that currently resided there. He was trapped, chained here by a deity far stronger than himself. A weak rat in comparison. His dry tongue flicked from his cracked jaws, long and snake-like, attempting to sooth the mange that irritated his skin.

How long had he been here? He stopped keeping track long ago. He suffered, toiling in endless torment from one he thought he could trust to give him what he wanted. He was a fool; he felt, with no chance of escape.

One day, a mysterious energy tore through his prison, only the width of a claw’s mark. But it was enough. He leapt through the tear, blinded by sunlight. A transformation tore through him, but he was so used to pain it felt like nothing. He collapsed on long grass, a mass of soft, red fur.

Only one thing was on his mind, a word grasped out of the fresh air he was not used to filling his dusty lungs. Colver.

~~~~~

Thebas perched on a stone just above the surface of the water. A thin film wavered over their skin, giving the little axolotl the ability to breathe for short periods of time.

They unfurled their notes, grabbing a newly dried quill from their pack. “Experiment… Failed.” Thebas sighed, marking an ‘X’ down next to the spell they’d recently attempted. “Did I really think I was strong enough to summon a protector?” They slumped across the rock, appearing like a mass of speckled pink Jell-O. Thebas was so entranced by their own thoughts that they didn’t hear the soft padding of paws coming in their direction from the pond’s edge.

“What are you doing out of the water, small friend?” A booming voice startled Thebas to their feet; they balanced easily on two, quickly reaching for the tiny dagger at their hip and pulling it from its loop with a flourish.

The dagger was centimeters away from a damp black nose, attached to an abnormally large red fox. “Who are you?” Thebas countered, trying to appear as large and brave as possible while faced with what appeared to be danger.

A low chuckle sounded from the fox’s jaws. “Rude to answer a question with a question, isn’t it?” He sat, curling his bushy tail around himself. “My name’s Colver.” His eyes sparkled with an energy strange to Thebas; it seemed magical, but of a source he did not recognize. “And you?”

“Thebas.” They responded quickly, not letting their guard down as the fox eyed the notes that had scattered when they jumped to their feet.

“A magician?” Colver daintily stabbed a claw through one of the scraps of paper, bringing it closer to his eyes as Thebas protested.

“Give that back!”

Colver laughed again as the small creature bounced on their tiptoes, fitfully attempting to grab the paper back. His laughter quickly disappeared when he eyed the scribbled writing. Summoning spells? Colver thought, recognizing the ancient text. Was this the creature who had freed him from his prison?

“-Hey! Are you listening?” Thebas trumpeted, having leaped onto one of Colver’s front legs and climbed to his shoulder.

He was so taken aback by the note’s contents he hadn’t noticed Thebas’ journey. “Were you never taught manners?” Colver sighed, flicking his shoulder to jostle the axolotl.

Thebas clutched at the fox’s fur as to not be launched wayward. “You stole from me!”

“What does that have to do with manners?” Colver rolled his eyes, returning the note to the haphazard array. He peered at Thebas. “You practice magic?”

Thebas nodded, their gaze wary as Colver eyed them. He looked hungry.

“I have a spell I can teach you… In exchange for a favor.” Colver’s eyes were intense, enough so that multiple pairs seemed to flicker on his face, all blinking closed at the same time.

Thebas lowered the dagger slightly. “What favor?”

Colver laid down in the grass, clearly unfazed by the consistent threat of the tiny weapon. “I’m looking for… A magic amulet.” He lied coolly, easily spinning a tale for the adventurous axolotl. “It was lost centuries ago; it holds a deep magic few can master. I must find it before someone else, someone who wants to use its power for evil.” In truth, Colver simply wanted to dispose of Thebas once they were a bit farther from the pond. If he disposed of them, he would be free of his prison. Colver was in the body of a mortal being, he knew one day he would expire. But that was far better than being held in the unending darkness.

The axolotl’s eyes widened as they listened to Colver’s story. Thebas seemed like a child in a toy store with how giddy the idea made them. An amulet? A magic amulet? Power free for the taking? What could they accomplish with this power? The possibilities were endless! “I’ll agree to your terms, on one additional condition. Come with me.”

“Hmmm?” Colver was a bit surprised by the offer. It was bold for someone who had just been pointing a toothpick sized dagger at his nose. “That’s fine, I’ll accompany you.”

Thebas nodded, returning the dagger to the loop on their hip then hoisting themself up between Colver’s shoulder blades.

“Now, the spell.” Colver stated simply, eyes closing as he concentrated.

Pain seared through Thebas’ chest. Had they been tricked? They keeled forward, writhing in the fox’s neck fur. Something inside them was changing. It hurt. Thebas cried out as soon as they had the air to speak. “What did you to me?” They croaked, a new sensation building inside them.

“I gave you lungs for outside the water. You can adventure now on land for an unlimited amount of time.” Colver had a bit of a smug look on his face. “They will revert back to normal when you enter water. Each time it will hurt, but you must learn to manage the pain if you wish to become a stronger magician.”

Thebas stared back at the fox, brazen with somewhat misplaced bravery. “I will.” They agreed, anything to become stronger. To prove to anyone who’d told them ‘no’ that they could adventure the world and conquer those who wished to do wrong.

Colver’s ear flicked triumphantly. “Grab your things and we’ll be off.”

It didn’t take long for Thebas to collect their items and shove them back into their pack. They scampered around like a mouse, making sure to grab every item they’d hidden in the surrounding area. Thebas did not have many possessions to their name, but that made getting ready for adventure so much easier. Quills, blank papers, maps of the area, spells they had tried, spells they had not tried, and a small multicolored gemstone they used to channel their magic.

Colver invited Thebas onto his back, the axolotl still a bit out of breath from the transformation. The pair started their journey together.

In truth, Colver was a bit charmed by the bravery of Thebas. It was a trait he wasn’t expecting, and one he thought would be entertaining. Maybe… Colver would keep them around longer than he had planned.

Thebas, unsuspecting of Colver’s plot with their excitement for adventure settled between the fox’s shoulder blades, crossing their back legs as they pulled out scraps of paper and aligned them together to form a map.

A sly, eldritch fox.

A trusting, adventurous axolotl.

Friends? Foes? The universe did not know quite yet. Nonetheless, it was time for the duo to be off. To explore. To discover more about the land… And about each other.

~*~*~*~*~

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