#Planet X could lowkey turn me into a ring

[thalliumstraww]

solarballs doodles to get my mind off ii16😭

[okbyokaybye]

sry if this is all over the place im trying to connect some points that ended up being related over the past day.

My dream the night before last- I was in a giant American grocery store with mom, I was being critical of her decision making, evidently being quite cruel about it; I am overwhelmed by my feelings about pollution and ethical consumption-this product had too much plastic packaging that will never break down and will overwhelm marine life, add to the rapidly growing quantity of non-recyclable waste that litters every corner of the world. that product’s parent company sources ingredients in a way that exploits the labor of children overseas, boycott this, abstain from that, the ingredients in here are known carcinogens to the state of California… In the dream, as I have frequently in real life- I spiral down a deep dark hole of anxiety and concern over my carbon footprint, over the impact and trace I leave, and the corporations I am giving my money to-in effect telling them that I believe that it is ok for them to continue production. For personal medical reasons, there is limited options as to the foods me and kin are able to eat, found in limited quantity at limited retailers. My mother will put the needs of her family first before my ideals for the planet, and is not as able as me to make compromises or sacrifice for my greater good. In waking life I am unforgiving to myself at times where I am not as eco-conscious as my most critical self is. In my dream I scream and preach the lowkey horror on the back of every cereal box, I see a grocery store as a hell, as a landmark at the intersection of colonization and ecological collapse, which must be destroyed and condemned. I toss and turn and wake from this stress induced nightmare with significant pain in my knee. There is no possibility for ethical consumption and the puritanical way my dream self wants everyone to function without interaction with evil exploitative powers is entirely impossible. It is unfair for me to assert that my mom or myself is the issue, yet I feel responsible for all of the worlds troubles, I worry I am not being accountable. I always feel this weight, it has been a physical burden to carry earths pain, so much seriousness and stress. Im sorry I have tried to take on more than I can carry, expecting so much of myself and trying to hold others to my impossible standards as well. Today I went to the chiropractor for jaw pain I’ve had for years. It was emotional for me to get x-ray images taken and watch this scene. Up on a screen we see inside my body to my bones. The doctor translates what we are seeing- it is revealed to me that one hip bone sits higher than the other, this causes my vertebrae to be out of line at various places, different angels and severity of incorrectness from the bottom to very top of my spine. Bone starts to change to accommodate for whats in the wrong places and muscles surrounding do to, I wish I could word-for-word re tell his interpretation of my fossil records but I try to understand what is being said about my anatomy. I came in to assess my hurting jaw and my ringing ear and we discover that what is hurting the left side of my face is hurting my right knee and ankle, and is hurting my back and arms and head and hands, pains whose sources were unidentified until now and that I did not realize could be connected like this. I did not express any visual emotion because most of my face was obscured by my the face mask I am required to wear to prevent the spread of covid-19. Yesterday I try to describe to my friend that I use both hands to complete tasks because I use whichever one isn’t hurting. Now I think I may loose my ambidexterity if I have no more pain and no more need to switch off. If pain in my knee did not disturb my sleep would I have had such an intense dream for me to now call upon to reflect on the flaws in my activism. Driving home from the doctor I am frustrated that my newly discovered degenerative bone issue could have been corrected sooner if attention had been paid to my first complaints of knee pain as a child. Instead of thanking her for taking me to the doctor and setting me on the path of pain relief, I held it against her the face that I have been in pain for so long. She said that she has always tried to do the best for me even if she is wrong. I have not been appreciative of her I have just been angry at my own pain and seemed to place blame on her. She is limited by her own chronic pain and I want more than anything for her pain to heal. There is no one source of pain it is all connected and everything is acting and re-acting to the conditions that surround it. I would like to grow my capacity for forgiveness, for trust and communication of these and replace my hostility bitterness and anger. I was raised in a system of blame and punishment not unlike the penal system that governs me and I must utilize the powers of love and forgiveness to heal the parts of myself that perpetuate police mentality. I refuse to submit to my pain and anger and I have hope for some healing for the world.