#Photo by Ranurte on Unsplash

[ms-oswald]

paper heart | sihtric

author's note: just a little something i had in my back pocket for a while - a kind of fluff(?) simple one-chaptered modern!sihtric fic. thank you to @itbmojojoejo for being my second pair of eyes 😘 Hope you will enjoy :) happy holidays! lots of love & stay safe 💕

      The room was bland; the walls were painted white, a soft gloss apparent, and the fluorescent light shone with grip from the ceiling. The only window present was held with bars, offering a mundane view of the empty yard.  

Where she sat, patiently waiting, she stared at the clock - round and intimidating, the numbers carved in rotation as the needles made passage with every dropped second. 

She took in a deep breath, her presence at the back of the room forgotten while her eyes settled on the four bodies that sat on the other side, papers and pens resting on the table in front of them. 

They were quiet, waiting. 

Her gaze then shifted to the guard standing alert at the door, the entrance closed. 

She had been waiting for this day for weeks, having first known about it when the letter came into the mail; the header had caught her off-guard, the content of the invitation surprising.  

She was pulled out of her thoughts when the door opened where the guard held the knob, pulling it over towards him to let the newcomer in. 

He walked in quietly, chained from his wrists to his waist down his ankles.  

He looked around the room, no words yet escaping him; his gaze caught sight of the parole board sitting at the front of the room, the barred window, the ceiling light - the bulb almost blinding him - and then, his eyes settled on an unknown female figure.  

She met his stare, her heart’s beat increasing bit by bit with every ticked second. She grew anxious, her fingers fidgeting on her lap against the fabric of scarf. She then ran them through her hair - freshly cut - as she fixed her new bangs and coiffed her locks to properly rest around her shoulders where the soft colored waves scratched against her blazer. Dearest Liliann wanted to look presentable for him, and so what better way than to pass by the hairdresser for a new do. 

A silent ‘hello’ passed across her lips as they curved into a soft smile, all in the hopes he would recognize her despite never officially having encountered each other face-to-face. 

He was gently pushed to take a seat in front of her, making him face the board as they prepared. She couldn’t help herself but place her sight on him still, her hues tracing the broad shoulders covered by his jumper, up to the braids that covered his sides and top of his head as they pulled his curls back, resting right at the nape of his neck. 

“Sihtric Kjartansson. Please rise.” Within his silence, the man in question rose back up to his feet, calm and collected.  

The man at the center of the table was going through Sihtric’s file, recounting the crime he had committed and the consequential sentence he had eventually met. 

The convict remained still, while trying to listen as the board’s words floated at him. 

Only when he was made to sit back down did he snap out of his thoughts, her name was spoken through their lips.  

“We’re calling on a character witness, Liliann-” 

The woman of the hour; she jumped up from her seat at her name, interrupting the introduction. “Yes, h-hi your honor-s.” Standing up, she was clutching at her scarf the way her nerves were grabbing her with might. The older man eyed her for the second, almost having been startled at her sudden appearance.  

His gaze went back to the file that stood in front of him as he went on. “We see here you have been corresponding through letters with prisoner Sihtric Kjartansson over the last four years.” 

“Yes, sir.” 

Sihtric couldn’t help but smile, the right side of his lips curving softly at her nervous stature while holding himself to not chuckle so loudly. He couldn’t turn around fully and see her but hearing her speak brought him a sense of ease she had been carrying through her pen since they met. Only today did he find out what her voice sounded like, and he cherished it already, the tonality of her sound calming him. 

“Then speak.” The man asked, inquisitive and skeptical as his gaze bore through her. “Do you believe he is ready to rejoin society?” 

She worked on her posture, hoping that the tension she felt in her knees would stop her body shaking slightly from her nerves. She swallowed whatever saliva she had in her mouth and looked back at the man straight in his eyes. 

“I am confident he is ready. Sir.” She glanced quickly at her friend before eyeing back at the board. 

“Sihtric is not a bad person. He has just been dealt with bad cards…” She tried formulating her next words, careful to keep her calm. “H-he had an upbringing that no child should have to ever go through. I-I mean his father was a notorious criminal, a m-monster. He was in self-defense mode, protecting his loved one, a-and his mother-” She breathed in as she quieted down, her emotions slowly getting the better of her. 

“He was put in a horrible position that gave him no way out.” Another exhale, her knuckles whitened against her scarf. “Sihtric deserves a second chance. He shouldn’t have to pay any longer for circumstances that were beyond his control. I fully believe that, if his circumstances were different, better even, he’d be living a regular life and not barred by this justice system.” 

A woman at the table intervened, curious at the visitor’s words. “You sound distasteful.” 

“I am.” She had jumped with her answer, not having realized her response until a second later. Her eyes wide, she recuperated herself just as quickly. “I don’t mean to be rude, but-” 

She sighed once again, her eyes averting to Sihtric before looking back to the board. 

“You left a criminal on the streets for years as he terrorized everyone who crossed his path. He murdered countless people - his own wife included - and yet was never arrested for his crimes? And then, Sihtric, who did us a bloody hell of a favor, by the way, gets taken away for acting in self-defense. I’m sorry, but this was beyond unfair what he went through. And I believe this man right here didn’t deserve such treatment.” 

She dropped her head, gathering the last of her thoughts on the manner, her pulse racing against the clock. She lifted her eyes back up, watching them. “I haven’t known him for long, but I know him well enough that he’s not dangerous nor does he pose a threat to society. H-he is deserving of a second chance…”  

Sihtric’s heart pounded between his ears, her words having carved themselves into his bones as shivers ran down his spine. He took a quiet breath, his head down and eyes closed, as he turned away to face the board again. He took them to heart, yet a twinge of uncertainty nestled itself comfortably in the darkest corner. 

The board eyed her, slightly taken aback by her words. “Thank you for this…” The man in the middle cleared his throat, his eyes averted back to the file. “Insightful speech. You may sit down.” 

She slightly stumbled as she took back her seat, her palms sweating from her sudden lack of control. 

An eerie silence hung in the air; tension crawled up the walls to hover over the people in the room.  

Liliann tried to slow down her breathing, her pulse increasing by the second. Though it felt like time standing still, the hands of the clock were moving at an unbearably slow pace. 

But they turned and turned, Father Time forcing patience onto them. 

‘Dearest Liliann, you deserve to know the truth of what I have done. But first, I need you to know – in the event you decided to cut ties with me – that it has been a pleasure knowing you and writing to you. I have been here for two years now and ever since we ‘met’, you have made my stay more bearable; your letters brighten the grim time I have here. Yet, how can I complain when I am the cause of my own undoing?’ 

      She lost track of time as she waited outside, leaning against her car. The cold breeze added colors to her cheeks as she melted under her scarf, her arms crossed over her chest with her coat protecting her from the lightly grim weather. 

The thoughts swirling inside her mind had left her to fall away from the moment; she was racing on a stand-alone track, directionless. 

For the last four years, she had only ever written to Sihtric, had only encountered him through pictures. And now, just a few minutes away, she would finally be physically standing close to him. 

She would be lying to herself saying that she wasn’t nervous. She had thought about that moment for so long, the multiple scenarios she had built in her head could fill a library.  

Palpitations ran their course, a gentle smile coating her lips when her sight was finally granted with his presence. 

He was making his way out as the gates opened and paved the way to his tethered freedom; the man was free, the board having passed their judgement, though he remained on parole. 

The chilled air had hit him with a whirlwind, the clothes he wore not enough to protect him. He added a spring in his steps as he approached Liliann, growing anxious the closer he got. He had his right hand holding his thin layered jacket as closed as possible, while his left had been holding onto a couple of bags the prison had given him for his possessions; clear plastic to display his belongings. 

He grew nervous, not truly knowing what to expect for their first physical encounter. It hugged him, the estrange feeling resting across his chest. 

Reaching her at last, she stood up with her arms dropping as her hands found shelter in her coat pockets. “H-hi.” She stuttered her greeting, gently growing timid at the sight of him. 

“Hi.” The small grin graced him, his voice reaching the air around her for the first time; her heart quickened its pace within that second, having stumbled on its walk when the tone of his words came to her. 

A gentle awkwardness crept its way in between them; it was not unpleasant but had still brought them uncertainty.  

She couldn’t look away from him, the gears in her mind churning loudly as she tried to find something to say. He stood still, the weather suddenly becoming a second thought as his gaze settled on her, taking in her appearance – from the way her dimple carved the right side of her cheek, the soft bangs tickling her eyelids where the rest of her  hair covered her ears and were mounted on her scarfs and highlighting her hues, to the cupid bow atop her lips inviting him for a taste. He was holding his breath, staring at her as if to take her in, afraid that all this was unreal, a simple ruse. 

Lost for words, they could only exchange a nervous chuckle until she pushed herself to finally speak up, trying to push passed the blush heating her cheeks. 

She went with the only route she knew by heart. “This would’ve been much easier if I had written something down.” Her sense of humor was something he had only been able to read; hearing it for the first time, he laughed at her remark and the sound warmed her, enjoying the way it tickled her senses. “It’s finally nice to meet you.” 

“You too.” 

The exchange remained clumsy, their bodies shifting to either a handshake or a friendly embrace; Sihtric decided then to take the first step and leaned towards Liliann as he wrapped his arms around her.  

She followed him, her hands resting on his back and had hoped he didn’t hear the pounding in her chest. “How are you feeling?” She spoke into the wind, hiding her nervousness. 

He pulled away just enough not to be completely out of reach with his head tilting downwards to look at her. “Good- It’s strange, but a good kind of strange, I guess.” 

She tried not to pay close attention to their proximity, shying away from the softness of his eyes until she noticed a faded scar on his right cheek. Her hues stuck to the mark, she had reached out for it, lightly tracing it with her fingertips. In return, he remained quiet, watching her as the gentleness of her caress left him shivering. 

It was when she met his stare again that she realized what she was doing. She quickly pulled away, flustered. “S-sorry.” 

He smiled, a small tug on the corner of his lips. “It’s okay.” 

“It’s the medic in me.” She quickly wanted to give him an excuse, not wanting him to believe she was an intrusive person. “I have to have insight on all the cuts and bruises I come across.” She shared a nervous laugh, a small chuckle - a gesture he reciprocated. He touched his own cheek, nonchalantly. “It’s just something I got from one of the inmates. Nothing to worry about.” She frowned at his words, worried, but had decided to let it go, not wanting to make him uncomfortable. 

She took a step back, ready to offer him a ride when she noticed the contents in one of the bags he had been holding; she recognized the pastel-colored envelopes and her heart soared. “You kept them…” She was in awe, touched that he held onto the letters she had been sending him over the years. 

He scratched the back of his head, budding timidity hovering around him. “Of course, I did.” He gave her a smile as she took the bag in question. Examining what was inside, she then noticed a polaroid stuck between two envelopes; she recognized it as the one she had sent him - a simple one she had taken with her cat. Her brows creased at the sight, in slight shock. 

“Wait, you kept this as well?” She lifted her head up to him as she spoke.  

“I did. It was my proof you were real...” The softening smile graced his lips as he took a glance at the photograph, his eyes lingering as a subtle sharp twinge nudged him in the corner of his chest. “It’s a pretty good picture.” He softly mentioned under his breath; she blushed, trying to hide her embarrassment as she rubbed her nose from the cold. “Really? I was horrified after I sent that- It's like, the second I sent out the letter, I got my senses knocked back into me!” She caught a chortle in her throat, her hands to her cheeks in a mortified look. “I mean look at it! I made my cat wear a knitted suit! That I made! It’s horrifying!” He shared a chuckle with her at her response, amused at the exaggeration she was committing. She then caught her breath, the curves of her lips falling, her teeth biting the bottom instead. “To be honest, I thought I would’ve scared you off or something.” 

“You didn’t... You can say, these kept me sane...” The smile he wore was heartwarming, entrancing. He meant his words, his declaration of their friendship wearing him like silk. 

She was touched, not expecting such sincerity though kindness was something she knew him for. 

She sucked in a breath, wanting to change the subject. 

Her hands back in her pocket, she twirled quickly to look at her car before turning back to Sihtric. “Want to get out of here? If you’re a bit peckish, we can go somewhere to eat.” 

He nodded at her suggestion, not denying the need to taste civilian food again. “I can have a bite to eat.” 

She invited him to her car as he made his way towards the passenger side. He was about to reach the door when she spoke up again. “Oh! And don’t mind the noise the car makes. It goes away once it’s starts moving.” 

He stopped in his tracks, looking perplexed.  

She went on, having seen the expression covering his face. “It’s completely safe, I promise!” 

He let out a snicker and shook his head as he went to open the door. He struggled, not being able to complete the task even by force. Liliann was about to get inside when she saw him. She ran to him, her nervous laughter singing in the back of her throat again.  

At his side, she guided him. “You just have to give it a little push, a kick, and voila!” She succeeded, happy her trick still worked while also relieved the winter hadn’t done any more damage. 

Sihtric stood bewildered, taken aback by the complex steps that were needed to simply enter the hatchback. “Have you thought about bringing it in to get it fixed?” 

She smiled back at him, the grin wide across her lips. “But then my sweetest Volks will lose all its charm!”  

He laughed at her words – her perky personality was a natural boost, a shot given to him straight for the serotonin. It had been just a few minutes, and he already did not want it to stop. 

Once they settled inside and buckled their seats, Liliann plopped in her keys into the ignition, ready to go as she attempted to turn on her engine. It took her a few tries, leaving Sihtric to be worried about the state of her car. 

She turned her head to him, reassuring him with all the conviction she could muster. “It would be weird if it didn’t do that at all.”  

When finally lighting up, she let a sigh of relief slipping through her lips as she mumbled under her breath a quiet ‘thank god’. 

He silently chuckled to himself, having heard her words, the smirk painted across his lips not able to be erased. 

‘Dear Sihtric, I am glad to see you have not abandoned me after my last letter. I may sound dramatic writing this – sorry. It’s been an awful week at work. I lost two patients in the span of a few days. It’s been grim to say the least. I love my job. It has its moment, notably, witnessing such loss, but I also get to meet all kinds of people with such extraordinary stories – it's a blessing. I hope you are doing well and that you are reaching the end of your dreary cold. Be safe, Sihtric. I hope we’ll get to meet soon.’  

      They found their seats, secluding themselves from the early afternoon crowd; back in her neighborhood, she was treating Sihtric to lunch. 

They sat in front of each other, her back leaning against the booth with only the table and menus separating them. As for the newly freed ex-convict, he was leaning forward where his arms rested on the surface with his head laid low. 

“Penny for your thoughts?” She softly spoke, her sleeves pulled towards her fingers as they toyed with the menu. 

He lifted his head to her words, a gentle smile covering his lips. “I’m just… overwhelmed a bit, I guess.” 

She worried, her brows narrowing at his sentiment. “Are you happy at least? You’re a free man.” She said with a little tint of joy coming from the back of her throat. 

A soft chuckle escaped him, naturally rolling off his tongue. “Yea, you could say that.” He then pushed himself against the backrest of his seat, arms dropping on his lap. “Thank you.” Relief had washed over him like a gentle breeze as his back leaned towards his seat, relaxed as his eyes settled on Liliann. 

“For?” Her head slightly tilted, curious.  

“For everything.” The laidback stature he grew into was now dissipating, the tension in his shoulders slowly gripping him once again. “You had no obligation with anything-” He was interrupted when a waiter came to their table to take their order.  

Liliann jumped in, her eyes lingering on her friend for just one moment before she was giving her attention to the menu as she spoke up, taking the lead. She had crossed over the pages going from appetizers, plates and drinks to share between them. 

Once the worker had took his notes and was out of ear shot, leaving them with only their glasses of water for the time being, Sihtric spoke up again; he was taken aback by her gesture and approached her again, pressing himself against the edge of the table. “It’s too much, you didn’t have to order all that.” 

With a softening gaze, she leaned forward as well, matching his stance with a light tone of voice that dipped into care. “Don’t worry about it. Lunch is on me.” 

“You don’t have too-” He gestured to her his refusal, his hand stretching across the surface of the table.  

She mimicked him, having reached out where her hand rested atop his – a gesture done on instinct, her mind having no thought of the movement. “I want to.” 

The sudden touch halted the twist of the tongue, the need for speech suspended. Sensing warmth budding in the palm of her right hand, she just as quickly pulled away, breaking the tension that seemed to have tied them together. Sihtric felt a soft wasp of cold air before he pulled away as well, trying to ignore the tingling sensation; it lingered, and he used his other hand, his thumb rubbing across his left. He swallowed the lump in his throat, the chaotic swarm of emotions leaving him conflicted. He felt weighed down by such heaviness, part of him thankful for her while the supposed rational part of him felt guilt nibbling at the edge. It left him perplexed, not knowing if his appreciation and affection stemmed from his circumstances – as she had become a beacon of hope – or if the feelings he held, wrapped like a vine across his ribcage, were genuine because of her. 

Sitting face to face, finally being able to physically look at her and take her in, he couldn’t stop but wonder if what he felt was real, or if his emotions were attached to her as his white knight savior.  

Either way, he wanted her in his life. 

She was easy to talk to, and he found her sense of humor and her sarcasm endearing. Her comedic stance had given him a breath of fresh air into his lungs, as if his need for oxygen was now revolved around her, around every hint of a giggle in her throat, the caring smile across her lips, or the spark in her eyes that would shine whenever something light came to be. 

He was smitten, and though he had known her for years – today was the day he felt his heart soar against his broken chest. 

“Plus, I’m starving! I’d probably be leaving you with crumbs to eat anyways.” Her words, ringing into his ears so sweetly, made him titter. 

She blushed at the sound. 

“Alright, then.” He nodded, accepting her generosity with a small exhale. He then reached for his drink, his fingers twisting the glass on the table. From her hues, he looked down to the rim. “Thank you.” He lifted his head to her again, his shoulders letting go of the strain. “I’ll make it up to you. I promise.” 

She shared a giggle, a subtle sound that etched across her lips. “I look forward to it.” 

And just in time, the waiter came back with their pints while the food was still yet to come. 

Liliann took her glass, raising it to him. “To your freedom.” Sihtric mimicked her, taking his own drink and lifting it mid-air. “Partial freedom. I’m on parole, remember?” 

She shrugged, a laidback motion of her shoulders. “It’s still a win.” They clinked their glasses, sharing their first sip as silence comfortably settled itself between them, a ball rolling up and down the table. 

While he took his second sip, she worked on her next words – something he had noticed as her mouth twitched carefully. He waited, patient. She took a small gulp from her own glass, the bitter liquid trenching down her throat as she tilted her head to him again. “Have you thought about what you will do, now that you’re out?” 

He sighed, thinking about his future. “Not really... To be honest, I didn’t think this day would ever come.”  

Her heart squeezed at his answer, hurt he felt such way, that he had lost hope. 

She did what she did best, petting such worries into a deep sleep. “You could take up knitting.” She gave him a light shrug again, a gesture that was meant to amuse him. “You can join my one-woman knitting club.” 

He chuckled – he would never get tired for her knack for humor, he thought. 

“I’ll think on it.” He offered a soft lopsided smile as he took another sip of his drink. She smiled in return, diverting her gaze quickly to the window on her right before turning her head back to him.  

Once more, silence had spoken, letting Liliann thinking over her next words cautiously while her teeth nibbled at the skin inside her lips. She let out a breath, quietly as it slowly escaped her mouth, interrupting their moment with her low voice. “You’re welcome to stay with me, by the way.” As soon as they had come out, had she realized the meaning of her sentence and just as quickly jumped back in to clarify. “U-until you find something else, I-I mean.” She became nervous again, unable to read him. “Y-you can stay as long as you need.” 

He looked at her, her kindness becoming like budding waves of the sea; he wasn’t drowning, he just remained still as the water caressed him, leaving droplets and raising his skin. He grew heavy again, guilt scratching at his inside. “You’ve done enough, already- Lili-” 

She swallowed the dryness in her throat, pressing herself further against the backrest of her seat. She was close to pleading, her words breathed out with weight attached to them. “Sihtric, please.” He saw her shift, and had seemed to have closed herself a bit, her arms on her lap while her fingers toyed with the hem of her shirt. “I want to do this. I want to help.” 

He sighed softly and gave her a subtle nod as he accepted her invitation – he saw she had slowly straightened her back with a slither of hope, he thought, had added some colors to her irises. “It’s temporary.” He couldn’t bring himself to say he had friends we could stay with, that he at least had people who would look out for him. 

She shook her head, feeling more at ease. “Exactly.” A small smile made its way to the corner of her lips, unable to hide its content – it seemed it was contagious as Sihtric found himself doing the same, sharing a grin of his own. 

      Their food had arrived and had rolled their conversation onto smoother tracks. The atmosphere had settled around them, igniting banters and laughter that eased the residing tension on his shoulders, dissipating the heaviness into the void. 

The afternoon swayed through as they caught up like old friends who hadn’t seen each other in quite some time. They rekindled past conversations and introduced new topics as the hours of the day danced around them, like a soundtrack rolling backstage. 

The sound of her laughter was becoming a necessity, leaving him with a smile that hadn’t made its appearance in years; her written words had always been held close to his heart. Now that he knew what she sounded like, the way she held her humor, the way she spoke – the lines he had memorized in his head, he could finally hear her say them. His heart soared as her voice floated between his ears, soothing him. 

They were on their third drink, gently rummaging through their plates, when the air had cooled down. Sihtric’s eyes had caught sight of a woman from across the pub, his heart suddenly coming to a halt. 

Liliann noticed the change in demeanor and called for him. “Sihtric?” With no response, she followed his gaze and turned her head to see where he was looking. Her face dropped, understanding the violent fright in his eyes. She then turned back to him, finding him gulping his beer.  

She let him swallow, leaning towards the table’s edge with concern. “You alright?” 

He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. “Y-yea. For a second, I thought it was-” He was looking pale, the color draining from his face in utter shock. An ache settled in the pit of her stomach as she watched him. “I know. I thought the same…” 

He ran his fingers through his hair, his hands remaining at the nape of his neck before they fell to his lap. “I’m sorry for how she behaved towards you.” 

“It’s okay. There is nothing to feel sorry about. It wasn’t your fault.” 

It was believing that Sihtric’s ex was just a few feet away, that left them feeling dread looming over them.  

It was remembering the last time she had seen the other woman that Liliann felt a rush of goosebumps across her skin, making her slightly shudder; the ex had initiated an argument when she found out Liliann and Sihtric were keeping in touch. Annoyed, enraged, she had taken his stuff and dropped them at Liliann’s door with a simple “if you want him, you can have him” remark spat at the young woman.  

“Still… She was my wife.”  

Liliann huffed, the tone done in a tongue in cheek way. “Yea… Weird taste, dude.” She used her sarcasm to push away the grey cloud that encased them in their booth. It made him chuckle, making it another successful attempt at lightening the mood.  

Wanting then to continue and desperately change the subject, he dived into something else, bringing her along. “How is Aramis?”  

She had taken a bite, a small piece of fried pickle, when he inquired about her pet. The suddenness of his question made her choke on her food. Trying to catch a breath, she coughed as she went for her glass, the straw settling between her lips as she downed her beverage to cool herself. All the while, though he was taken by surprise at her reaction, Sihtric couldn’t help but smile as she grinned nervously.  

“I thought I would’ve annoyed you with how much I wrote about him.” She kept her fingers on her glass, the straw dancing around the pieces of ice cubes that resided at the bottom.  

He frowned, curious. “Why would you think that?” 

A slight scoff slipped from her, her eyes remaining glued to her plate. “People - that I have encountered at least - tend to be irritated by those who talk too much about their pet. Especially against cat ladies.” 

Aramis was her everything; a simple British short hair she had adopted from an elderly couple who couldn’t take care of him anymore. 

He held a soft beam, his sentiment genuine towards the little one. “I love the little guy! And I love that you took him in. Not a lot of people would do it, let alone mean it when they say they would do it.” 

She blushed, flustered at receiving such a compliment, and hid behind her drink. “Y-yea… He’s a pretty good roommate to have around.” 

“I have some competition it seems.” 

She chuckled at his remark, meeting his eyes as she shook her head, amused. “I guess so.” 

They carried on, traipsing seamlessly from topic to the next, a comfort settling between them. 

Drawn to one another, unable to notice time pass, the pen’s ink slowly tightened them within its cursive script and pushed them closer as they discovered more about one another. 

The letters they wrote had brought ease and hope, and he appreciated every single one of them. “They have definitely made my life bit fuller, if that makes sense…” 

“It does.” She softly smiled at him, understanding as the sentiment was reciprocated. 

Sihtric had then gotten up from his seat without a word, suddenly leaning towards Liliann from across the table. He reached for her, his hand resting on the left side of her face, hand to her jaw with his thumb caressing her cheek. He then approached her further until she felt his lips pressed onto hers, sharing a sweet kiss – the gesture taking her by surprise. He pulled away, though he remained close enough to her, calling for her. 

The glass shattered, the daydreaming breaking into thousands of pieces as she was snapped back into reality.  

He had noticed she had fallen into a slight daze, unresponsive until he spoke her name. Startled, blinking, she cleared her throat as she quickly slid out of her seat. “E-excuse me-” 

She dashed for the bathroom, going straight for the sink. She turned on the faucet and splashed cold water on her face. She grabbed the counter, lifting her head to the mirror in front of her. “Get your shit together, Liliann!” Pointing at herself through the glass, arguing with herself, she took a moment while catching a breath. Once she felt normal again, she fixed herself up and walked back to her seat. 

Sitting back down, Sihtric looked at her with a curious gaze. “Are you okay? You look… flushed.” 

She still felt heat gripping her cheeks. She cleared her throat, pretending nothing had disturbed her. “I’m fine. I just ran a bit hot. T-the food was quite h-ot.”  

He chuckled, not fully convinced. “Alright, if you say so…” 

She chugged down half her water – the sight leaving a tickled smirk across Sihtric’s features. Placing her drink on the table with a sigh, she leaned back in her seat, pulling her sleeves to her palms as she picked – once again – at the hem of her shirt. 

He saw the gears in her head turning, igniting curiosity on his end. She was so pensive, clearly thinking of what she wanted to ask him – the way it marked her features, a glint stretched across his lips, enjoying the way she was nibbling at her bottom lip in thought. 

She let out a small breath – the one thing had been haunting her for a while. She had been too afraid to ask but the dire need to know, to understand, had been gnawing at her like an aftertaste. She gathered her courage and pushed through. “Can I ask you something?” 

“Sure.” 

She ripped it away like a band aid. 

“Why didn’t you want me visiting you?” 

He took a moment to answer, pondering as he fell backwards, resting in his seat. Meeting her stare, he melted under her gaze, his answer floating smoothly. “I didn’t want to shatter the illusion the letters created for you.” His words rang her ears. She waited for more – it took him a second to continue. “I didn’t want you to be disappointed of who you would be meeting, face to face.” 

Her heart broke at his confession. It hurt to see him retrieve himself like this. “Sihtric, the letters never created any sort of illusions for me. They were the most honest I’ve ever been with anyone, and I felt that from you too. U-unless I’m wrong-” 

“No, you’re not. I've been more honest and vulnerable with you than with anyone else. Even from my ex...” The pressure on his chest was chipping away ever so slowly. “I wanted to see you, to sit down and talk and finally meet the mystery woman who I've been writing too. Up until you sent me your picture, I thought I was being cat-fished.” 

She laughed at his comment, inciting his own chuckle. “I am an improvement, I hope.” 

“You have no idea.” He lingered – just for a moment, and then spoke to her. “And sorry, again. I thought it would be easier if we just kept to the letters… I didn’t want to be a disappointment.”  

She offered him a smile, a grin that reached him. “It’s okay, I understand. I’m just glad we are here now… finally.” He reached for his plate, picking out a single frie. She quietly watched him, the curves of her lips remaining timidly upwards. “And Sihtric?” He met her gaze. “You’re not a disappointment.” 

Her words struck him and for the first time in so damn long, he believed it. 

He believed her; the way she was looking at him, the way her eyes held him with such high regard as if he was anything but a criminal, a murderer. Not even the woman he had spent most of his adult life with, not even she who he was engaged to, looked at him that way. It left him with a warmth that crept under the covers, right into his chest like a cat seeking comfort. 

He tried to ignore the thoughts that hid in the shadows, in the back of his mind. 

There was a lingering gaze; they held their eyes to each other without a word, without even realizing what they were doing. It had lasted for a few seconds – short enough for the waiter to come back, interrupting them. “Do you want anything else?” 

Liliann turned to Sihtric. “Dessert?” 

Sihtric nodded. “Sure, why not.” 

She turned back to the worker while Sihtric’s sight remained on her, enamored.  

The entire situation still felt surreal for him. 

He took his last sip, eyes on her, until he eventually turned to the window, the glass back on the table. 

“You alright?” He nodded at her inquiry, looking back at her. “I didn’t realize the holidays were approaching so quickly.” 

“Tell me about it.” She joined in, looking to the streets with her arms resting by the sides of her body. 

The afternoon had stretched into late evening, the dessert extending their stay even further. 

Time passing was not an issue for either of them – they had nowhere else pressing to be. 

For now, he was content, enjoying her presence at his side. 

‘Dear Liliann, I’m sorry to hear about the troubles my ex is giving you. I’ve tried reaching out, but she has completely cut ties with me. Please do not mind her, I’ve angered her, though I guess being out of the picture, it’s easier for her to use this excuse to cheat on me. I know I’ve written this before but thank you for letting me know. I cannot blame her, to be honest. It hasn’t been easy – our last years together were a tumble down the stairs. Yet, I cannot help but still feel for her since she had been by my side as far as I can remember. But I guess everything must come to an end eventually...’ 

      They stood quietly in the hallway while Liliann searched for her keys.  

She was rummaging through her purse, the item lost within the void. All the while, Sihtric remained patient, his eyes watching her with amusement until he turned his head where his gaze settled on the closed door that stood across from them. 

“Got it!” The jingle of the keys echoed around them as she lifted her head up, smiling at her retrieval.  

She then caught him looking behind her; she turned around before looking back at him again. She softly spoke up, careful with her tone. “A new couple moved in a few days ago…” A part of her was glad his ex had moved out, having grown afraid of the woman. 

Her words caught his attention as he reverted to her. She spoke again, happy to see the slight tremor in her voice went unnoticed. “H-have you spoken to her recently?” 

“No.” She was unlocking her door when he continued, stuttering her steps in the process. “But I need to reach out to her. We need to talk.” 

“O-oh. Yea, I guess…” A shaken sigh under her breath, Sihtric hadn’t seen the dread draping her shoulders, which she - once again - quietly thanked. 

Opening her front door, she turned on her lights as she walked in and was welcomed by the loud cries of her cat. 

Liliann bent down, picking up her furry friend in her arms while gently scratching at his fur. 

She then turned around as Sihtric walked in and closed the door behind him. He remained speechless, taking in the sight as she moved away.  

“Welcome to my humble abode.” 

He chuckled as he removed his jacket, his eyes wandering around the small apartment until he saw a few boxes lying by a wall.  

“It’s not much, but it does the trick. It’s, hmm, it’s home…” He noted the slight saddening undertone that slipped through. He said nothing, not wanting to make it palpable and bring her down. 

“It’s perfect.” 

She met his hues and blushed, a shy smile gracing her lips. 

He then approached her, worry coming back to him. “Are you sure you’re okay with me staying here?” 

“Sihtric.” She placed a hand on his arm, the gesture meant to reassure him. “I promise, it’s alright.” 

“I really owe you.” 

She gave him a gentle squeeze before letting him go. “Come on, let me give you the grand tour.” With her pet now out of her arms, strutting around without a care in the world, Liliann guided Sihtric around from the living room to her kitchen, bathroom and lastly her bedroom. 

“I figured you might want a proper bed after so long. I’ll just plop on the couch.” 

Sihtric stood still, refusing to become the reason she would also be losing her bed – on top of gaining an unwanted roommate. 

“You’re not kicking me out. I pass out in the living room all the time anyway. The bed is just for decoration at this point. Might as well be used.” She shrugged, nonchalantly, wanting to convince him all was well. “You need to a comfortable place to sleep, Sihtric. Take the bed, it’s fine. I promise.”  

He stared at it, the covers and pillows neatly propped – the room was simple and held all the necessities. It wasn’t too extravagant, and yet still held some kind of comfort to its atmosphere. 

She watched him, trying to understand the emotions that were written across his face. 

The scene broke down when Aramis cried from the kitchen – he was getting hungry. 

Liliann cleared her throat, scratching at the back of her head, catching the man’s attention. “Hmm, why don’t you take a shower- or a bath, whichever you prefer. I have towels ready for you on the counter already and your clothes are in this box over by the dresser. H-hopefully they still fit.” She started taking steps backwards, leaning against the door frame. “I’ll go see what’s up with the little fur ball in the meantime.” 

She was walking away when Sihtric grabbed her wrist, forcing her to a halt.  

He didn’t have to say anything – for once, she was able to see what he was going to say and stopped him. “You don’t have to thank me Sihtric. I’m glad you’re here. Truly. Enjoy your freedom, will ya?” 

He nodded, squeezing her hand gently. “I will.” 

She gave him a soft smile, placing her free hand on the one he held her with before walking away, her heart in her throat. 

He watched her, his shoulders dropping, his heart pounding in his ears – conflicted.  

      The steam of the bathroom had escaped once the door opened. Sihtric quietly made his way back to the bedroom while Liliann was preparing the couch with sheets and pillows. 

She had taken the time to change into her pj’s - a worn out t-shirt with man’s sweats - and had gotten some extra blankets for him. 

She held a couple and walked into the slim hall to her bedroom when she found him looking through some of his boxes. 

“You look refreshed.” She watched him as he got up to his feet to face her; he looked relaxed, all the heaviness of today washed away. 

He ruffled his hair, his fingers passing smoothly through the strands, still damp from the water. “It was the best shower I’ve had in a very long time.”  

She chuckled, happy to see him this way. “Glad to hear considering the water pressure isn’t all that great.” 

“It was better than what I had, believe me.” 

She walked to the bed, her arms busy with additional covers. “I brought you some extra blankets. Wasn’t sure if you ran hot or cold...”  

Her voice trailed off into silence, only now having noticed their proximity. Her mouth hung slightly open, her fingers digging into the fabric of the sheets as it stood between them. She was struck with the way his bi-colored gaze bore into her, her breath held by the depth of his hues. 

They were pulled back when noise came from the living room – Aramis was keeping himself busy. 

Liliann cleared her throat and turned around, placing the blankets on the bed. Sihtric remained still, watching her move without saying anything. He was unable to break away, taken in by the leisurely demeanor she wore; he couldn’t help himself but study how the cotton hung across her figure – if he held her, if he tightened his hold onto the fabric of her clothes, they could hug her, and he would be able to trace every spec, every curve, that stood beneath him. Her hair had fallen over her shoulders, her bangs brought up with a clip to her scalp – he felt the need to run his fingers through them, to feel their softness against his skin. And then to feel her skin warm under his touch as he hugged her close.  

Liliann turned around to find him staring at her. 

He looked taller, she thought. 

All within their silence, he approached her prudently until his left hand rested on her cheek, the other placed on her waist. Her lungs were numb, unable to breathe, from the physical contact – she couldn’t remember the last time she had been touched like this.  

Emotions were now in overdrive, having subdued all rationale into complete oblivion. 

They locked eyes, incapable of breaking away as if she was paralyzed by the colors of his irises; she fell into their shades, letting them embrace her with undescribed sentiments carved into the thin lines as they ghosted over her. 

Breathing in the tension, he leaned down, drawn by the desperate need to kiss her. The feeling almost palpable, his lips already tingled. 

From her waist, his left hand traveled down to her hip, gently grasping her shirt as he pressed his forehead against hers. She closed her eyes, his breath tickling her lips while her heart pounded with such strength, she could feel her ribcage crack, in dire need to be free from its confine. 

A slight movement from her, her nose brushed against his – a feather touch. He tilted his head down to see her fingers hovering over his chest, as if to hold herself up. The cupid bow of her upper lip, the hint of her dimple on her right cheek – he wanted to feel it, to kiss it, to see it sculpting her skin when smiling. 

The control was held with such great strength, he hated himself for it. 

Yet, he couldn’t let go. 

He couldn’t abandon his resolve to kiss her – he didn’t want to. 

But he wasn’t capable either of pursuing his desire, as if he was held up by strings, as if a wall was separating them. 

He held her firmly, his thumb tracing over the hidden dimple as he held her jaw. The warmth of his touch made her quiver, her knees almost giving out. He lifted her head up to him again, making her open her eyes which silently begged him for more. 

The unspoken emotions that hovered across the dried ink of their letters, the ones that were captured and incased within the sealed envelopes, seeped through with every breath, the air growing thicker. 

Her hands carefully climbed to reach him – her fingertips peeked at the hem of his shirt against his neck, making him shiver from her touch. 

Just one more nudge and he could succumb to his want, to feel her lips pressed against his. They were so close yet felt so far away. 

She caught the pendant he wore, her gaze averting to it as Sihtric watched her play with it. She captured the cord and gently tugged, pulling him down to her – she could feel his lips finally hover over hers, like a shadow, ready for a firmer touch. 

She was lacking his sense of control while she gathered her courage, moving her lips softly over his. 

His grip on her hip tightened, his hand digging into the fabric of her shirt as it rested against her skin. His left remained on her cheek, his thumb tracing over her jawline as they hid within the locks of her hair.  

And when he finally met her, when she could finally fully feel his lips pressed against hers, ready to dive into this state of yearning – they were suddenly interrupted by a loud knock on the door, forcing them to pull away.  

The heat exuded from their closeness vanished from the simple percussion of the door. 

They stood still for a moment, simply staring at each other while their chests heaved; reality fell on them, like a glass ceiling falling from its root and straight onto them, shattering on impact. 

He was knocked out. 

He noticed the pink tint of her cheeks, the slightly parted lips, and the look in her eyes was yet to be understood though, he swore he saw an outline of disappointment painted within them. 

The door knocked again, the noise resonating with them once more. 

The moment gone, she walked away, leaving him to pull himself together. He took a seat on the bed, elbows to his knees as he held himself in thought, yelling at himself for what transpired. 

He heard her footsteps get closer to him and finally looked up to see her standing at the bedroom’s entrance. 

“Who was at the door?” He was a little bit agitated – the knocks reminding him of his childhood, of the roughness of his past. 

“Just a delivery... I ordered some knitting stuff. I-I ran out.” She leaned against the threshold while he remained sitting at the edge of her bed. 

An awkward silence settled in the room.  

She still felt the ghost of his lips pressed on hers – she pinched her bottom lip while they remained quiet and looked at him as he stared down his lap onto the floor. 

Her mouth moved, trying to break the stillness that infiltrated their bubble.  

“Are you hungry? I can make you something to eat.” 

“No, I’m okay. Thanks.” 

She swallowed the lump in her throat. “I’ll let you be then...”  

She was about to turn away when he called for her. She just as swiftly pivoted back, hopeful. 

He stumbled on his words, trying to find a way to speak without causing any strain. “About earlier- I didn’t mean to overstep-” 

She interrupted him, knowing where he was going.  

Her heart broke. 

“You didn’t. O-overstep, I mean...”  

She gave him half a smile, hoping to mask the ache in the pit of her stomach, wishing he would simply get the message and run to her. 

He did. 

And he was dying to jump on his feet and grab her, but he couldn’t push himself to do it. 

He felt undeserving. 

The guilt crippled him, thinking he had taken advantage of her even though he knew she wanted this as well. 

He couldn’t risk losing her, of making things more complicated – even though they weren’t. 

She gulped down, her head down as she pushed hair strands behind her ear before going for the hem of her shirt, her nervous habit apparent. 

She then looked up to meet his eyes, solemn. “Goodnight, Sihtric.” 

“Goodnight, Liliann.” She left him be as she made her way back to the living room, a bee line straight for the couch, while holding back her tears and wrapping her arms around herself. 

She told herself she was being ridiculous for feeling this heartbroken over a kiss that never was.  

She took her seat and laid down facing the backrest, covering herself tightly with her eyes shut close. 

He sighed, falling against the mattress and stared up at the ceiling, cursing under his breath for wanting to let his emotions take over.  

He could still feel the tingle of her lips on his, his fingertips missing the warmth of her skin. 

‘Dearest Sihtric, it’s that time of the year again. Christmas is right around the corner and I’m scrambling to figure things out. I might have to work over the holidays – I'm waiting to receive my schedule – and to be honest, I think it’s better than to be alone. Aramis will be without me, but he is used to it, and I don’t think he notices it anyways. I wonder what Christmas would be like if we ever get to celebrate it together – any traditions you want to share? There are a few I remember growing up... It’s been harder every year, but now that we’ve met, that I have you in my life, the holidays don’t feel so alone. I hope it’s the same for you. Maybe one day, if we ever meet – when you get out of there, we could celebrate together. Nothing lavish – I'm sure Aramis would love to meet you. What do you think?’ 

      He had walked through the front door when he found Liliann in the middle of decorating for the holidays. 

While Sihtric had been out all day, she took the opportunity to fetch - within her parents’ storage unit - the family Christmas tree alongside some of the decorations they had left behind. It was a challenge to climb the stairs of her building with the heavy items back and forth, let alone having made it fit within her hatchback. 

Unintentionally hiding away, she had heard him and stopped what she was doing, popping her head from behind the tree. “You’re back!”  

He jumped, startled at the suddenness of her voice echoing within her living room; she widened her eyes, apologetic of her outburst. “S-sorry. Did not mean to scare you.” 

His hand pressed to his chest; he breathed out a smile to her. “That’s alright.” He started removing his jacket, his gaze finally taking note of the clutter surrounding his friend. “What’s all this?” 

“I thought since the holidays were approaching, I might as well get a head start on the decorations, and stuff.” A practiced answer; she had hoped he wouldn’t notice. She moved from where she stood, her hands busy with a set of small colorful light strings, as she continued. “You know how Aramis likes toying with the ornaments.” She gave him a nervous chuckle, trying to mask the anxiety hammering inside her chest. 

Sihtric had quickly taken notice of her pet at the mention of his name, the creature stretched out on his back and asleep on the couch. And instead of saying anything to discourage the apparent effort Liliann was putting for him, he smiled, even though he knew the truth; he was aware she hadn’t gotten into the holiday spirit as of late, with her family spread apart. He remembered the letter that told him of such predicament, the words spilling out her lonesome secret – her lack of need to decorate.  

And so, he knew she was doing this for him – for Liliann, it was all in the hopes it would ease his transition, bring some cheer back into his life. 

She went on, desperate to break the tension. “To be honest… I-I don’t even know why I bother.” Another anxious huff escaped her, her rambling habit taking over. “My parents are doing their own thing again this year and my sister will be with her in-laws now, a-and I’ll probably be given a shift or something at the hospital, so I won’t be here anyways…” Having brought herself down, she dropped the garland from her hands and wiped her palms on her sides. She looked away from him, ashamed. 

She ran her fingers through her hair, dropping her arms as she faced the kitchen. “I’m gonna go make some tea.” She rushed away from him, leaving him to look around at the mess in the room. He appreciated the effort she was putting in for him, yet he felt heavy.  

Last night’s moment, in the shadows of today’s events, he felt weight on his shoulders. 

He eventually joined her at her table where he found her sitting with her mug on the table alongside her delivery box from yesterday opened in front of her.  

He sighed, taking a seat. 

They welcomed the silence like a third friend. Her gaze was glued to the steam floating from her cup, her teeth nibbling the skin inside her mouth – she had a question burning her tongue. 

“Did you go see her?” 

She had spoken so softly, it took him a moment to register her words; he nodded. “It’s official. The papers have been signed.”  

She frowned as she met him. “The divorce papers?”  

He nodded once again. “I thought she had sent them to you months ago.” 

“She never did.” 

“Oh god. I’m so sorry.” Remorse settled in the pit of her stomach. She grabbed her mug, pulling it towards her. “She came to see me and shoved the envelope in my face, telling me to bring it to you. I-I told her it wasn’t my responsibility, and she should do it herself if she wanted the papers signed... I’m sorry, I should’ve just taken them.” 

“It’s not your fault. She shouldn’t have put that on you.” He held her gaze, and he could see anguish coloring her eyes. “It is done now either way, so all is well.” 

She took a sip of her tea, bending her legs against her chest.  

He wanted to move away from talking of his ex – the sour subject having left him with a bitter aftertaste. 

And so, his eyes settled on the box in front of him. “Your package?” 

His voice snapped her out of her thoughts. She resettled in her seat, placing her mug back on the table. “Hmm, y-yes. Just some new yarn and I got a second pair of needles, just in case y-you wanted to give it a try... as a hobby.” She slid them to him, timid. He chuckled and thanked her as he took them. 

They were disturbed by the whining of her cat, the poor feline caught in the abandoned light strings. 

Liliann leaned sideways to see what had happened. 

“Damn it.” She muttered under her breath and quickly got up to help him while Sihtric remained seated, his eyes venturing back to the box and the needles in front of him. 

His mind wandered back to what his ex had said about his friend, making him angry in return against the insults. 

He had regretted the events of today and had wished he would’ve stayed put instead – at least spending it with Liliann. 

He was brought out of thought when she came back with her cat in her arms. “I think he is lonely. My company doesn’t seem to suffice anymore.”  

He smirked, a light huff running down his tongue. “Well of course, he needs a friend to get tangled in the lights with – right buddy?” He scratched under the cat’s chin, inciting a whine from the little one. 

She smiled at his words, watching him entertain her pet with her heart in her throat. “I have been thinking about maybe getting a second one, to keep him company.” 

“It would be a nice Christmas present for him.” He lifted his eyes to her, never letting go of the soft smile he wore. “For you too as well.” 

She nodded, reciprocating the affection. “Yes, I guess so.” 

Aramis then wiggled out of her arms, throwing another whine at her as he jumped to the floor, scurrying himself away. 

A small laugh escaped Sihtric as he got up to his feet; Liliann remained still, watching him. 

“I’m gonna go shower.” 

“O-okay.” He was walking out, just about to disappear into the hallway when she jumped as well, calling for him. “Sihtric?” Standing up, her fingers went for her shirt, her habit nitpicking the fabric. “A-about the divorce… How are you holding up?” 

He pondered before answering. “I’m okay. I’m relieved, I guess.”  

“G-great! I-I mean that it’s all sorted now, a-and that it’s a good thing its over- that you got closure- that you got her out of your system.” She couldn’t seem to stop, her foot digging deeper into her mouth. 

He raised his brow, confused. “That I got her out of my system?” 

“We-well, yea. You s-slept with her right?” She didn’t give him a chance to answer, already striding with her follow ups. “Y-you were gone all day-” He didn’t answer, the clumsy moment forcing her to jump, ready to face her train. “Sorry, I don’t mean to pry, I just… She hurt you the first time around. I don’t want her to do it again if you’re thinking of getting back together with her… You deserve better.” 

He sighed, understanding the sentiment behind her words. She worried for him, and he appreciated it. “We’re not getting back together.” No relief seemed to cross her. “I promise. She’s the last person I want in my life right now.” He was about to walk away when he stopped, owing the last piece of truth of his day to her. “But yea... You could say, I got her out of my system.”  

She felt a percussion hitting her right in the chest. With a hitched breath, she swallowed the lump lodged in her throat – though it remained stuck. “G-good. That’s good- for the closure I mean.” She was hiding her jealousy and had hoped he wouldn’t notice. She gave him a reassuring smile as he walked away with the same facial expression. Once gone, she cursed at herself, under her breath, as she fell back on her seat, her thick socks almost making her slip in the process. 

Her head turned to her poorly decorated tree and the mess surrounding it, cursing at herself again. “You’re such an idiot, Lil… ugh, this is stupid.” She exhaled heavily, saddened and annoyed at herself. She bit down her tongue, holding back her tears. She should be happy his ex was out of his life, but the small twig of envy embedded in her, burnt her the way a paper cuts through skin. She chugged down a sip of her tea and got up, having the sudden urgent need to put everything away - not wanting to finish her task of adding some merriment to her home. 

There was no point to it anymore, she thought. 

'Dearest Liliann, I have some good news – I have a parole hearing coming up. Well, it’s yet to be good news depending on the outcome. I don’t know what to expect from the board. Whatever their verdict, I hope you will remain by my side as I’m sure I will need you... Sorry if I sound dramatic. If the hearing fails and my sentence remains, will you still write to me?’  

      “Oh, s-sorry!” She was startled by her sight, and quickly backed herself against the frame of her door while trying to turn around, only to end up almost knocking herself out along the way. “Didn’t mean to disturb you.” She had walked into her bedroom to find Sihtric doing a morning workout by her bed, surprising her. 

He stopped at her entrance and got up to his feet, meeting her with a relaxed beam across his face. “You didn’t.” He was catching his breath, the smile on his lips remaining as he stood tall in front of her, shirtless. 

She attempted to avert her gaze elsewhere, suddenly timid at his stance, desperate to spit out words for distraction. “T-training for something?” Her eyes kept gravitating towards him, a coy pull she couldn’t resist. 

He chuckled, the sound coaxing a sightless tremor to her knees, as he picked up his shirt from the bed. “A habit I picked up.” She bit the inside of her lip, her teeth pressing harshly into the skin, as heat crept up to her cheeks and painted them pink. Flustered, she scrunched her face, eyes closed, as her hand stretched out to scratch the back of her head, tilting downwards. “I-I thought you were in the shower- I was going to pick up my s-scrubs for work...” 

The sly smirk on his face was not letting him go as he noticed the redness in her cheeks and the stammer on her tongue. The shirt now covering him, he approached Liliann as he spoke up, trying to hide his amusement at her reaction. “It’s alright, I was heading out to the kitchen anyways.” 

She nodded, her head lifted back up to him as she cleared her throat and pushed herself away when he stood in front of her, needing to walk through the door. She could barely set her eyes on him as he was watching her; the second of eye contact dried her throat, the blush on her cheeks deepening into her veins as butterflies settled in the pit of her stomach.  

Once he was behind her, walking away, the breath she had held hostage escaped her. She smacked her cheeks, embarrassed by the way she had greeted him, and hoped to god he didn’t notice – though the haunted thoughts in the back of her head were telling her otherwise. She took a moment, gathering her senses while taking deep breaths to calm herself. She hated how rattled she had been; the scene replayed itself inside her mind, the results coming out differently than what she had just experienced. 

Once dressed in her uniform, ready for the day, she made her way back into the living room to find him walking out of the kitchen just as she was heading out. 

He stared, caught off guard at her appearance. She caught him, frowning in worry. “I-is everything okay? Did I do something wrong?” He shook his head, his startling jump disintegrating. “No... I forgot you were a nurse.” 

She mouthed a silent “Oh”, her instinct pushing her for the comical approach. “I don’t blame you. It is a forgettable detail.” She shrugged her shoulders, still jesting. “Even I forget sometimes.” 

He chuckled at her comment; she grinned, content with herself she made him laugh.  

She jumped back in, her demeanor, now calm. “I need to head out for work. Make yourself comfortable, alright?” 

Sihtric grew uncomfortable, unsure of her proposal. “Are you sure you’re okay with me staying?”  

“Of course, why wouldn’t I be? You’ve been here two days already.” She picked up her purse and put on her coat before reaching for her boots, all the while trying to reassure him. 

He wasn’t convinced. “Yes, but you were here, with me.” 

Liliann sighed; concern etched across her face. “Sihtric, I promise you, treat this place like it’s your own. For as long as you need.” 

His shoulders fell, the uncertainty in his posture bringing her closer to him. He ran his fingers through his hair, the heaviness of her belief in him weighing him down. “You really trust me to leave me here by myself?” 

She chuckled while patting him on the shoulder. 

“I trust you with my life.” 

Her words had slipped, like a body rapidly falling on ice, before she even realized what they had meant. She blushed out of embarrassment, her eyes wide as she stared at Sihtric. She then stumbled on her feet, rushing towards the door to make her way out without even giving him the chance to respond to her remark. “I’ll see you at the end of the day. If there is anything, call me!” 

He reluctantly nodded, thanking her again with a softness to his tone before she disappeared on the other side of the door. 

The sudden silence that came with her exit left him overwhelmed, the sudden emotion crashing violently like waves would, into the bottom of a cliff under a heavy storm. Guilt grabbed him, unsettling feelings shaking him, haunting him almost.  

The thoughts rummaging inside his mind pushed him to believe that her generosity was only there on behalf of his manipulation towards her. It left a bitter taste on his tongue, his heart growing heavy the longer he pondered over it while his stare leapt around him.  

Aramis came to him while lost in his head. The cat purred against his leg, brushing his fur against the fabric of his sweats. Sihtric picked him up before glancing around the room again, his eyes following the trail of boxes his ex had left until they led him to the Christmas tree, the ornamental statue feebly standing with pride. 

He sighed, taking a moment for himself.  

He revisited the last couple of days – from the moment he finally met her at his parole hearing, to the night they almost kissed, and to the night after that.  

The boulder grew heavy on his shoulders, the longer he pictured her in his mind’s eyes. He cared for her – that, he couldn’t deny. Yet, he knew himself undeserving of her, the anguish gnawing at him from the inside out. He knew she was breaking her neck for him, and he couldn’t let it go on any longer. 

Aramis brought him out of his thoughts as the pet jumped out of his arms, the little one running away to sit at the coffee table. Sihtric approached him as he fetched his old phone out of his pocket. Dialing one of the very few phone numbers he could remember, he stopped when he noticed a box hiding under the surface of the table. 

He bent down and picked it up, a small smile gracing his lips as he recognized the envelopes he had been using for his letters. Liliann had kept every single one of them – like he had done – including the first one she had received by accident. Looking through the stack of papers, he also found his ex’s ring, the piece of jewelry having been given back to his friend for safe keeping. 

Sihtric’s heart broke remembering how their friendship came to be, when Liliann had received mail that was intended for the apartment across the hall. It was when Sihtric’s ex had rejected the letter in question, not wanting anything more to do with him, not because he was in jail but because she had someone else on the other side of that door, that Liliann decided to respond back and let him know – out of the goodness of her heart.  

They had kept in touch since then. 

Which now, he had almost wished they shouldn’t have; he should not have answered - he should’ve just let it be. 

He ran his fingers through his hair, his head leaned back to the ceiling as he fell on the couch. Aramis jumped on his lap, creating himself a comfortable seat. 

The man, traipsing back into his mind let himself wonder; she was one of the good things that had happened in his life. She was caring and he could confess his liking of her, but the lump lodged behind his ribcage, the one that echoed across his limbs from bones to marrow – he was not able to continue his thought, a distant voice shaking him back to reality.  

He startled the cat from his sudden movement as Sihtric sat up, looking down at his phone as he realized the number he composed had answered.  

He brought it to his ear, taking a second as a breath silently escaped. 

“Hey, Finan? It’s me.” 

��Dear Sihtric, my name is Liliann. This letter mistakenly arrived at my door when I believed it was meant for your roommate? Or partner?  I thought I should let you know, out of courtesy, but she refused your letter, citing that she no longer wanted to be in contact with you. I’m sorry about this. Hope things will get better where you are.’  

      The jiggle of the keys into her lock had stirred the cat awake, the pet rushing into hiding under the Christmas tree. 

The door opening, Liliann walked in, in complete exhaustion; another hardening day at work, relief washed through as she stepped into her quaint home.  

Closing the door, she stood still for a moment as she caught her breath - the broken lift was going to be the death of her, she thought; the stairs had been her Everest, always climbing them yet barely able to conquer. 

Only when her breathing settled did she finally take note of the silence surrounding her; her eyes averted to the empty spaces. 

All of Sihtric’s boxes were gone. 

Perhaps he emptied them, she thought. Maybe it is silent because he was simply throwing them away, she told herself. 

Yet, she couldn’t help but call for him, her voice carrying the smallest of echoes. “Sihtric?”  

The eerie quietness unsettled her. It was different than before. It was colder somehow, lonelier. 

She took a few more steps inside, until she noticed an envelope resting on her coffee table, her name etched eloquently across its surface. 

Her heart dropped, dread aggravating the discomfort in her stomach. 

The bags she had been holding in both hands, the groceries she had picked up for the simple task of wanting to make a home cooked meal for him, clattered on the floor with the bottom thudding softly against her rug. She had thought it would have been nice to make dinner for two, for once; it was the simple want of recreating her childhood holiday traditions and sharing them with him. To spread some cheer in this damp place, to give him some spirit after the roughness of his last few years. 

Hands trembling, she reluctantly picked up the envelope and slowly opened it before pulling out the sealed letter. 

My dearest Liliann, this is my last letter… 

She couldn’t go on, her eyes stuck to the first sentence, paralyzed. The words resonated within her brain, trying to fully comprehend their significance until they struck her right into the pit of her chest, a sudden sharpening pain striking her ribcage. 

Unable to hold on any longer, the paper was let go as it flew downwards until it softly reached the carpet in a silent swoop. 

It was as if her body had given out, her knees buckling under the weight of her heartbreak.  

Devastation settling at her core, a staggered breath stroke her lungs as her throat choked, ready to erupt under a dawning new reality; it wasn’t the dim lights of the tree, which added a melancholic glow to her living room, that broke her down. 

It wasn’t the emptiness of her apartment that tore her apart. Something was amiss, odd and suddenly unfamiliar, but it wasn’t the state of his place that left her to drown.  

Hope having vanished, warmth having dissipated from her home, she was left bare and desolate. 

It was crippling.  

No longer strong enough to stand, she sat on her knees, holding in her tears as her mind was disjointing the last few days she shared with him. She wondered if she had done something wrong, something so upsetting it made him want to leave. 

She didn’t dare read the rest of the letter, too frightened of what the content could hold. 

But if she only kept going, would she have found his penmanship detailing his apology for leaving her, how he was grateful for her kindness and generosity but how, as well, it was best if he remained away from her. How she was better off living her life without him, how he was asking for her forgiveness at leaving so abruptly, and that he wishes her the best. At how he would forever be grateful for the hope she gifted him and how the letters had become the only source of happiness in his dingy world.  

‘You’ve given me so much, Liliann, and I hope, despite the way I have left, you will accept this parting gift… Wishing you the best with your future.’ 

The purring of her cat caught her attention as he reached for her, pressing himself against her knee. She picked him up and started stroking his fur while settling him against her chest. Shattered, she exhaled a deep breath as she looked down at him, her voice carrying a tremor at the back of her throat. “I guess it’s just the two of us again…” Her fingers reached for his chin, scratching softly before her gaze wandered around until they fell back to her pet again. 

“You’ll never leave me Aramis, right?” 

The dejection laced into her words was met with a gentle purring. She frowned when she saw her cat did not move. 

The softest of calls tickled her ears again and she lifted her head, following the unfamiliar sound. 

A shaken breath escaped her lungs, and tears swiftly escaped their confine as they stroked her cheeks. 

Liliann stared at the box by her tree while hugging Aramis closer to her.  

Within the silence of her living room, the noise resonated once again. 

She could see it, but believing it was still a challenge to grasp. 

It had done it once more, her heart shattering into pieces as she silently cried. 

Across the room, a rescue kitten peeked out of its box, calling for whoever would listen. 

It was but a singular note that had set up the rest of her night. 

“Meow.” 

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xoxo

[heavelynbodies]

Photo by Diana Light on Unsplash x // Photo by Ranurte on Unsplash x