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borisbubbles · 2 years ago

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Eurovision 2023 - Part 7: The Great and Fun

Lowkey obsessions go here! You may like them less than the fanfave beasts, I don’t care. You can have you faves, I have mine. If you disrespect mine, I choose violence. ^__^

10. MOLDOVA Pasha Parfeni - “Soarele si luna” Semi 1, slot #09

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PASHA PERFECTDEITI 😍

My friend André once hypothesized that Moldova secondary role at Eurovision serving as Ukraine’s horcrux. Each time Ukraine (or their spirit) is absent from a contest, Moldova will absorb their energy via musical osmosis and channel it unplugged at Eurovision.

We already saw this principle in full worse in 2015 and 2019. This year Ukraine are at the height of their misery (which is honestly the least Ukraine thing ever), but their cheerful weirdness lives on in “Soarele si Luna”, performed by everyone’s favourite Edward Norton look-alike. 😍

Like, I’m not insane for making that the claim that Moldova ARE a Diet Ukraine this year, right? “Soarele si Luna” sounds like something that would finish third in a Vidbir final (specifically it sounds like an ethnic Beat of the Universe 😍 - can we get Aliona or Doinita with a turbofolk Lelya in 2024 plz?) and should be treated as this year’s surrogate Ukraine entry :-)

Of course, there’s this entire discourse going on that Moldova is kinda unmemorable and mid, and well... yeah? It IS Moldova. Moldova is all about being underwhelming preshow and then SERVING at the contest. Pasha already has all the tools in his arsenal for that - A catchy tune, a charismatic presence and a dastardly used Little Person to rake in those televotes when the time comes <3 I have confidence their time WILL come. 😈

Odds at Eurovision - Moldova

Like always, everyone is sleeping on Moldova and well... Do so at your peril? It’s Moldova. Moldova don’t EXIST until the stage shows, where their eldritch chakras align and produce epicness upon epicness.

Sure, Pasha isn’t as obvious a qualifier as the Nordic Three, but, I think he’s a solid fourth safest? In reality I can’t imagine a universe in which Moldova fail to be top ten in the televote in that semi. Ireland, Azer, NL, Switz and Malta die unless one of them (Malta.) is GREAT, in which case Serbia or Czechia die. THOSE ARE THE RULES OF SEMI 1!!

As far as Moldova’s overall placement: Pasha could be top 10 - The other ethnotrash entries in the year are Vesna who are a mess, and Alessandra who is also a mess. In an event where Alessandra is terrible and/or has a bad draw, I could defo imagine that Pasha claims her spot in the top 10, if he isn’t already there to begin with. “Soarele si Luna” is loads of unbrindled fun, and that’s always a great incentive if you want people to vote for you.

More realistically though, I think Moldova will either get tenth or narrowly miss out because I don’t think the juries will be as much on board. The downside to taking juries out of the semi is that you will be left with a finale full of jury repellent, which will make them (and their pets) more powerful. I am apprehensive about Moldova’s jury appeal.

Definitely not a “fringe qualifier” or “shock NQ” though good GOD.

Qualifier Tier: A- Projected placement: 3rd-7th (Semi), 8th-14th (Grand Final) , -----------------------------------------------------

09. MALTA The Busker - “Dance” (Your own party) Semi 1, slot #02

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BUT HEY ✋ WAIT 🤙 WATCHA SAY? 😏 DO YOU WANNA DANCE 🎉 💃🎷 💃🎷 💃🎷 💃🎷💃

KINGS!! The Bad NF curse hit Malta arguably the hardest out of everyone - Imagine an NF with fourty songs, most of them godawful and you’re reduced to ironically stanning hot garbage like “Ol mah qorls gid downs (feat: Squidward noises)” and “On My Own (feat Lizard person locomotion)” because the Obvious Female Contender With The Swedish McSong will be crowned victorious once more, and there’s no point in getting attached to ANY of the actually worthy songs!

But then Brooke LOST and The Busker won, shattering the glass ceiling (all it took is finding one of five men in Malta with a good hairline) and saving my sanity. 😍😍😍 Yes, Malta are TRASH and so fucking what? The Busker took the defining features of Eat Your Salad, Discoteque and Yummy Mommy, and turned them into something arguably more enjoyable! This year has some really fun-trashy party anthems and Dance is exemplary in this role

🎷 🎷 🎷 🎷 🎷 🎷 🎷 I FEEL BETTER IN MY SWEATER 😏 🎷 🎷 🎷 🎷 🎷 🎷 🎷 GOT ON THE RADIO IS THIS A SONG YOU KNOW? 😏

Like, if you’re not partying along, you’re just not approaching this entry correctly Fortunately i’m build for pleasure and not misery so ever since Malta picked The Busker, they’ve been top 10 for me and remained there forevermore. If you can’t get into that, your loss!

Odds at Eurovision - MALTA

To be fair, for a while it looked like Malta were Grand Final bound, but then the EBU drawfucked them over. If Malta were a country with a consistent televote track record (see: Armenia in semi 2), I’d be like “eh, who cares, they’ll qualify anyway”. However, Malta kinda suck at staging and delivering what the televoters like, so I’ve instead resigned myself to their impending NQ. I WILL say though that if there were a contest where Malta could qualify from second in the r/o, this would be the year? The Busker are fun, Dav is very charismatic, and there’s no forced cringe hamminess. Dance is three Maltese bro’s having a fun time on a stage, and I can imagine it getting votes. The problem mainly is that Finland will just hoover up all the fun party votes at the end. People vote for their favourites and I don’t think most people will find it in their heart to vote for TWO different party songs, esp if one of them is a winner contender and the other is considered an NQ.

However if any of the obvious NQs in semi 1 pulls an upset, it’s almost certainly Malta? They only need to beat five countries, which is feasable when you’re the likely 11th placer.

If Malta qualify, no idea on how well they’ll do. They could be top ten, they could be bottom five. They can finish ANYWHERE on the scoreboard (except for at the very top). Which is fun <3

Qualifier Tier: C- Projected placement: 7th-13th (Semi, likely 11th), 9th-18th (Grand Final)

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08. UNITED KINGDOM Mae Muller - “I wrote a song” Autoqualifier

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THE QUEEN IS DEAD, LONG LIVE THE QUEEN WHO’S NEXT IN LINE FOR ROYALTY? 👑

IT IS SHE MAE MULLER SHE MAE MULLER SHE’S THE RIGHTFUL QUEEN

Like seriously, THANK YOU cheerfully unhinged right-wing media for making me ADORE the UK entrant. 🤗 Boris Johnson IS a liar and a crook who violated his own corona policies and didn’t deserve a hospital bed! Truth tea is best served scalding hot, sorry if she and her #ProTransAgenda haved offended your fragile minds! Some people might be ANGRY at the DISGRACE she caused towards the glorious nation of England, but Mae isn’t joining the toxicity- ~INSTEAD SHE WROTE A SONG~ TO PROVE HER HATERS WRONG SHE COULD HAVE CRIED AT HOME AND SPENT HER TIME ALONE ~INSTEAD SHE WROTE A SONG~

This year has exactly ONE great girl banger, and it’s this one. I know that’s an upsetting take for the basic of mind, but it’s true. Unicorn sucks! Queen of Kings isn’t a real song! Tattoo is a McSong! “Instead I wrote a song” is a fiercely real anthem handing the realistic issues of dealing with shithead haters and bad exes, and providing great examples of trouncing the opposition and lifting yourself above them, like the rightful kings and queens and nobil-enby that we are!

And to further rub salt in the wound, Mae WILL close the final meaning she’s likely not going to do badly either. Stay pressed haters. 😍

Odds at Eurovision - UNITED KINGDOM

To be fair, Mae COULD be a flop, but her draw is a massive boon in her favour. UK close the Grand Final, so a fierce finisher could absolutely cash in votes from both bases.

The one caveat that I have is that Mae hasn’t been sounding too great at the preparties. However, “Instead I wrote a Song” doesn’t need great vocals? (also Mae has always sounded better than Vesna and Alessandra) It needs to have a good stage show first and foremost, and vocals are a secondary concern. Mae needs to be good enough so that any missed notes don’t distract (or detract) from the visuals. This principle worked for Eleni; Chanel and their clones, so why wouldn’t it work for Mae who is essentially in the same ballpark?

Realistically, I don’t think UK are getting a top 10 here. But I do feel like their draw is good enough to get a decent score from both juries and televotes, and get a respectable midcarding finish. (which for the UK would be a great result anyway). Avoiding bottom five two years in a row <3 now THAT is personal growth <3

Projected placement: 10th-17th (likely around 12th)

07. BELGIUM Gustaph - “Because of you” Semi 2, slot #05

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AND WHEN THE WORLD GOT ME GOING CRAY-ZAY I’LL ~CARRY ON~ AND IT’S ALL BECAUSE OF YOU

A hat, a pink cape and a fleming walked onto a stage and said #LGBTQIARIGHTS, and it was glorious.

It took me a while to get there, but I’m IN FULL STAN MODE for the hat, the man, the LEGEND that is GODSTAPH. Life’s too short to hold grudges for my fave losing Eurosong, so I’ll carry on in blissful nationalism, all because of STEF!!!

Now the world had me going crazy at the NF because nobody saw Gustaph’s win coming - I was backstage at the time, socializing with the journalists from Wiwi, Songfestival and OutTV when our collective jaws DROPPED after Gustaph Jamala’d it at the end. How?! How did the act everyone considered last place beat out the favourites?

BECAUSE HE WAS SERVING CUNT, THAT’S WHY.

Like objectively, Gustaph’s song may not have been the best, but he NAILED that live like Jesus on a cross.

Generally, I feel like people have been dissmissive of Gustaph because he’s “old” (lol he’s just 10 years older than I am X_X) and a confident queer man living his best life. You know how the latent misandry / self-hating homophobia manifests itself with the fanbase. “HE’S NOT CHÉRINE WE WANT CHÉRINE, LET’S BULLY THIS OLD FAG FOR NOT BEING CHÉRINE” -- absolute pieces of fucking SHIT human beings. PS; daily reminder that THIS was what Chérine brought to the table

I fucking LOOOOVED Ca M’ennuie pas, but there’s a line between child-like and childish and perhaps she crossed it a bit too much? The more accurate assesment would be to call her act an oversaturated cubist nightmare that sabotaged itself out of an easy win, but I’ll let the awful stans simmer in their unemployment-fueled delusions if that makes them feel better. ☺

Even so, Chérine immediately got over her loss and stanned Gustaph and as a loyal servant to Queen Ennui, I followed suit!

On Gustaph’s end, he was my second favourite going into Eurosong anyway, so w/e. A sentient hat presiding over the selection as charismatic mentor to all the kids, serving killer vocals AND life experience <3 I wanted Chérine to win sure, but I also (perhaps moreso?) wanted Gala and the Starlings to lose. I got two out of three + my second place as a winner => good enough for me.

Thankfully, I’ve seen people come to their senses re: Gustaph and “Because of you” so hopefully we can all Unite as one and give this legend the stan power he fucking deserves ^_^

On that note,

Odds at Eurovision - BELGIUM

People are considering Belgium a fringe qualifier and I... am puzzled by that, honestly? Listen up, fags, hate to break it to you but:

Like Gustaph MAY have been a fringe qualifier right upon selection sure, but after the R/O i’m very confident Belgium are through? The first half of Semi 2 gives us *nothing* and “Because of you” is the only cheerful song in the entire first fucking half. Serotonin does sell, you know.

Secondly, while I feel like plenty of the white privileged twitter gays are unimpressed by Gustaph, I think the message and beat will resonate with a lot more people than it’s being given credit for. There was a contingent of straight middle-aged Dutch women standing in front of me at EiC and they were going WILLLLD for it. My mom (who is 66) ALSO floves Gustaph and voted for him!

As for the gay target audience: A Dane who has grown up in a protective and accepting society isn’t going to be swayed by a Gustaph, simply because I feel like their homosexuality has been less of an obstacle in their life. That’s fine though!

A Georgian or Armenian who lives a repressed and closeted life of self-hatred and doubt is a different story. “Because of you” is about queer empowerment and liberation, and it could very well resonate more with those who feel pissed upon by their peers for being different. Since most countries in Semi 2 are of the toxic masc variety (Georgia, Armenia, Greece, Romania, etc) I could imagine Gustaph winning over the LGBTQIA+’s in those countries specifically, especially in the absense of a clear Gay Fave like Loreen or Käärijä.

Also, “Because of you” is a fun party anthem surrounded by a myriad of miserable cunts, and fun party anthems > miserable cunts.

So yeah, i’d say he qualifies. The only worry for me is that VRT are notoriously incompetent and I fear that they might fuck it up even though the qual is easily achieved atm.

No idea how high Belgium are going to score in the finale. I think the ceiling is WAY higher than what he’s being given credit for - i think top 10 is a possibility, but once again, I feel like Belgium are more likely looking at a high jury and a decent but not spectacular televote. Could be on the cusp of left-side. Could be lower-mid table.

Personally i cannot WAIT for his out of the blue top ten finish :-)

Qualifier Tier: B+ Projected placement: 5th-11th (Semi), 10th-19th (Grand Final)

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06. AUSTRALIA Voyager - “Promise” Semi 2, slot #16

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HAVE EVER DONE ANYTHING LIKE THIS BEFORE?! 😎 IF YOU HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING LIKE THIS BEFORE, THEN YOU HAVEN’T BEEN ALIVE! 😎

PREACH!

The latent misandry reached peak pathetic when gormless bitches were arguing that Voyager were a throw by SBS - a deliberate NQ so that they wouldn’t have to renew their contract for 2024.

BRAINWORMS. Have you fucking HEARD the song?! “Promise” is the best song Australia have send to Eurovsion, PERIOD. It’s a BANGER.

I’M. BY. YOUR SIDE. PROMISE ME IT’S GONNA PROMISE ME IT’S GONNA ALRIGHT AO AO AO O O O

Like, last year I was really upset when Dreamer lost to fucking Not The Same and that Australia squandered a golden opportunity. I though most people felt similarly? This year we’re finally, finally getting the prog metal anthem we were owed, so what’s the problem now? Is it because four of them are men, it’s because four of them are men, isn’t it.

“Promise” is structurally similar to “Dreamer”, but better. The one issue Dreamer had for me, is that it kinda lacked power and felt a bit twee. “Promise” otoh, doesn’t back down on the adrenaline and balances it well with the two main vocals. Danny’s pleasant and upbeat tenor contrasts REALLY WELL with Scott’s grungy baritone and together they create a powerful atmosphere. You just KNOW this is going to slay live once the pyros come in. (as it did in Amsterdam) Finally a worthy successor to AWS. 😇 (not Måneskin because their successor (Joker Out) is a part of the next post :-))

Odds at Eurovision - AUSTRALIA

I mean, the argument that “Promise” was a throw and clear NQ even before the r/o contains more moon logic than the average Discworld puzzle. In what fucking universe? Not only was Promise a clear-cut qualifier before the r/o, it is a potential SEMIFINAL WINNER based on its draw. Out of everyone in semi 2, Aus are the safest.

Of course, the fact that Australia close is doing quite a bit of lifting. Promise isis is the sort of song that works best when it’s on late, and ideally in last. Voyager will finish off the semi in great style and that’s going to make the sweet points pile up. You’re defo not telling ME that the metalheads (who always watch but never post online) are not going to vote for Aus?! There is no other act in the semi 2 for them to imprint on. Secondly, the winner discourse. Australia are largely ignored in that, which: fair since it’s Sweden of Finland. Yet, I would suggest that it’s boredline ludicrous that Australia are ignored in the discussion for biggest Dark Horse. “Promise” is one of the best metal songs that’s ever been sent to ESC already in its current state and I feel like any self-serious music contest SHOULD consider them potential high place favourites. SBS are also notoriously good stagers too. The fact that Voyager aren’t considered top ten by most fans is baffling to me. Sheldon came NINTH in a more competitive year!

Like, I am not sure what the top five will be (it will contain Sweden and Finland, and prolly Spain, but otherwise . . .), and I could absolutely imagine Australia get in there as well. People are sleeping on their appeal.

Likely top ten, definitely higher in the vote tally than Germany is my final judgment. The only thing holding Australia back is the flag. You can’t really change public perception on Australian participation since you can’t alter their geographical location, but I do feel like their song has enough niche appeal to get televotes in spite of nobody particularly caring about Aus as an ESC country.

Juries will, like always, be on board as well. SBS know what they’re doing, and this is no exception.

So yeah a top ten is what I’m expecting and you better cope, darlings~

Qualifier Tier: A+ Projected placement: 1st-2nd (Semi), 4th-12th (Grand Final) (Prediction: 8th place)

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AND THAT LEAVES THESE PRECIOUS BABIES AS MY TOP FIVE!

AUSTRIA! FINLAND! ICELAND! PORTUGAL! SLOVENIA!

You’ll find out which order I’ve ranked them in tomorrow morning at the usual time :-)

#Eurovision 2023 #ESC 2023 #Liverpool 2023 #Australia #Voyager #Promise #Belgium #Gustaph #Because of you #Moldova #soarele si luna #Pasha Parfeny #Pasha Parferni #Malta #The Busker #dance (our own party)#United Kingdom #Mae Muller #I Wrote a Song

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