#PearlJamfanfiction

[shewantedtobeasecretgirl]

11. The Lovecats a.k.a an irresistible offer, a guy in proper clothes and a dangerous ginger

In the previous chapters: Effie gives a few pictures taken by her to Krisha who promises to show them to Kelly Curtis but Effie rushes away in the middle of the conversation to avert a date crisis between Judy and Jeff . After Mike’s awkward one-night-stand and the embarrassing intermezzo between Judy and Stone in the shower (that might have been seen by someone else too), the bunch is gathering at breakfast time in a bistro near the motel. Their exchange gets interrupted by Eric who has bad news for them.

 „Guys, we have a problem.”

Ugh… if I was a road manager and the band I’m managing had a show tonight and the lead singer had lost his voice due to his uncontrolled yelling, maybe I’d call it a problem. But I’m a lead singer of a band that is supposed to play a show tonight who lost his voice due to his uncontrolled yelling so I just call it an as fucked-up dumpster fire as possible.

I can barely understand the reactions since everyone in the bunch is desperately shouting at us.

“Has Karrie disappeared?”

“Did Suns defeat Sonics? I knew it!”

“Is the Twelfth Amendment coming into effect again?”

“We’re out of weed?”

Yeah, preferences.

“Hey, everyone, calm the fuck down!” Eric tries to talk them down. “It’s about the show tonight. We… we probably have to cancel it.”

“What? Why? No way!” the cacophony goes on and it only stops when Eric shuts them up with a loud whistle using his fingers.

“Should I explain calm or fuck or down?” he asks annoyed. “The thing is… Ed has lost his voice. He’s not even able to speak.”

“But… how?” Stone stares at us with clueless face. Such a smart guy and such a stupid question.

“He obviously forgot it in a public restroom and by the time he went back, it was already gone. Jesus.” Judy rolls her eyes playing with her fork. Thanks Judy, that’s what I was thinking about, now that you’ve translated it into Sarcasm, Stone might understand too.

“Actually, he accidentally flushed it down the toilet. In case you need to know the exact details to process it, Stoney.” Beth supports her with an audacious grin.

“No problem, we send Jeff down in the canal, I’m sure he’ll find it.”

“I’m able to deal with any shit except yours, Stone.” Jeff retorts, getting a snort from Judy as a reward.

“If I was you, I wouldn’t be so proud of that…”

“Seriously, what happened?” Mike cuts the forming exchange off.

“He was complaining about having a sore throat already yesterday evening too… he was working on a few lyrics but he felt tired and fell asleep relatively early and by this morning… nothing, he can only whisper, I’m afraid…”

“NO!!!” Judy interrupts her and blushes in a second since suddenly, all eyes are fixed on her. “I mean he mustn’t whisper, that’s the worst he can do.”

He? Hey, I lost my voice, not my hearing or my mind.

“It kills vocal cords, which can even lead to neck pains, I’m speaking from experience.”

“Really?” Eric frowns in disbelief.

“He has probably laryngitis. I mean, I’m not sure, he should see an otorhinolaryngologist for an exact diagnose but it’s very likely. It’s mostly viral or bacterial but extreme overburdening doesn’t help either… and extreme overburdening is a pretty euphemistic description for what you’re doing every night, sorry Ed but someone has to finally say it.” she addresses me but my only answer is a helpless shrug. I’m sure I do something wrong but I was procrastinating to face my limits until now and… here’s the result.

“And now she’s already a doctor too. And she completed the medical program in one single night, remarkable.”

“Shut up Stone.” Eric interjects not taking his eyes off of Judy.

“And how long is the regeneration period?” Beth asks, digging her face into my shoulder, which makes me reach for her neck instinctively. She rubs her cheek against my back like a lazy cat as she’s enjoying the improvised massage.

“Well, he shouldn’t speak for a few days but singing is another case, maybe one month…” My hand stops.

“What?” Beth screams right into my ear as her head perks up. Okay, so much for my hearing.

“It depends but usually after a laryngitis, you win back your singing voice note by note, beginning from the nether region.”

“Whoa, Camden, you’re getting naughtier and naughtier…”

“Spirits sometimes help…”

“That’s what I’m telling you all the time!” Mike hits the table with his fist.

“… but it’s only symptomatic treatment, if it’s bacterial, antibiotics are the ultimate solution. And… although I definitely do not support anything that kills throat but I know that singers often get a Calcium shot if they have to perform when having voice problems. So... that would maybe help shorten the silence phase.” Judy explains unwillingly.

“So… let’s summarize what you’re suggesting: we bring Ed to an expert, convince the doctor to give him a Calcium shot and swear he won’t sing for a month… and we cancel the show tonight… and then... we’ll see?” Eric looks at Judy for reassurance.

“Kind of… but I have serious doubts if he can let any note out this week. But are you sure the show must be canceled? I mean, what if someone else sang? Stone? You like singing, don’t you?”

Judy, you have a huge luck that I’m not able to ask publicly why you know about that.

“Jesus, no, I’m not a singer.”

“Aren’t you?” she provokes him raising one eyebrow.

“Nah. Plus, I can’t sing while I’m playing the guitar, I’ve already tried it but every time I try sing, I fuck the riffs up.”

“And he cusses every time he talks. He’d be lynched by the crowd in like ten seconds.” Jeff adds. “Anyway, I’m the other one who sings the backup vocals, maybe I…”

“NO WAY!” everybody protests in unison.

“Okay, okay, it was just an idea…”

“A very bad idea. We would end up playing odes about Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, geez…”

Actually, why would it be that bad? He’s like a childhood hero to me. Plus, Stone wouldn’t be a better choice either, our crowd isn’t prepared for a rock cover of The Lumberjack Song.

“No, we have no other choice.”

“Maybe…”

“I SAID NO WHISPERING!” Judy nips my attempt to join the conversation in the bud. I reach in the chest pocket of my shirt because I think this is the right moment to use my latest invention. Beth immediately gets it and jumps in the middle.

“Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, I’m Beth Liebling, your favorite hostess and when I say favorite, I mean it.” she emphasizes the ongoing pun about the meaning of her last name with exaggerated winks. “Many of us have certainly experienced sore throat when swallowing or coughing is extremely painful and speaking seems to be impossible. The lack of communication makes us feel isolated and if we’re surrounded with sarcastic people, unsolved conflicts may result in anger issues.”

“I’m not angry at all, everything’s fine.” Stone smirks.

“But as always, we offer you a solution to tackle these difficulties and to present this incredible product, I ask my handsome partner, Edward for some help.” she pulls me next to herself by the sleeve of my shirt. I put on my dumbest smile and wait for the cue.

“Interaction cards!” she announces with pretended enthusiasm and glances at me. I lift the deck in my hand to eye level and show it around, still with the tooth-flashing fake smile.

“They make possible to maintain basic communication with the simplest messages.”

I present the first two cards with the words “yes” and “no”.

“Give me the “no”, I’ll buy it.” Stone grabs for it. I should have known.

“They also make us capable of expressing our current feelings.”

I spread out the next cards saying “shit”, “damn”, “fuck” and “I love you”.

“Aww. Give me that one!” Mike reaches out for the latter.

“Some of them declare basic axioms…” I wave with the “Pete Townshend is god” card. “No one? No problem, we’ve still got great stuff for our customers: the combined interaction cards!”

I flip through the deck and pick the “Fuck you Bush/republicans/Nazis/racists/homophobic assholes!” card.

“That’s cute, so heartfelt!” Eric presses his hand against his chest and takes it from me with the other one. I keep searching and giggle in advance when I finally pick the “Fuck you Stone!” card.

“Mine!” Judy and Jeff both almost fall out of the booth and then exchange a grin. Although Jeff was the faster, he places the card onto his palm and kneels down in front of her.

“In token of my appreciation, milady…” he offers it to the girl. To my biggest surprise, her first embarrassment evaporates quickly and she plays along.

“I’m always going to wear it over my heart.” she puts it into the chest pocket of her dungaree dress.

“How cheesy.” Stone comments dropping a piece of Emmentaler from his cheese plate into his mouth.

I nudge Beth to show her the card I made for her when she wasn’t looking. When she reads the “I love you, Beth” text on it, she slowly steps to me, laces her arms around my neck and pulls me into a relaxing, soft kiss. I capture her in a bear hug, letting her bury her head into my chest so that I can kiss the top of it and feel the familiar smell of the shampoo she’s used since I met her…

“Booo, the hostess is fucking the stage prop, disgusting…”

“Look, she’s licking the germs out of his mouth, ew…”

I try to ignore the childish remarks of Mike and Stone, luckily, Eric steers the conversation back to more professional questions.

“I guess I have to make a few phone calls, starting with the club, the guys who bought the ticket should receive refund… and I try to get a doctor for Ed, maybe we should try it in Charlotte, I don’t think we could find a specialist here…” he starts thinking loud, getting lost in the current, messy “to do” list he’s keeping in his pocket.

“„Sssooo… since the show has been canceled, I guess we have tons of time for the guitar lesson you asked for.” Jeff changes the topic with a huge grin, without the slightest intention of hiding his joy. And with the definite intention of using every occasion to spend more time alone with her.

“Guitar lesson? From Jeff?” Stone scoffs. “You know he didn’t become a bassist by chance, don’t you?”

“I must admit Stone’s right. There’s a particular reason for it… This bony asshole can’t hold a bass. We tried it, I swear but he ended up with his face in the concrete. If you take a closer look, you can notice that his Les Paul is only a cardboard replica too. He just pretends to play it, actually, it is Scully who plays his parts behind the amps.”

Judy bursts out in a heartfelt laughter, finally, Jeff has figured out that the way to her heart leads through well-played jokes. Possibly at Stone’s expense.

“I guess we could hang out together even tonight…” Jeff recommends with a cautious squint. That’s it, strike the iron while it’s hot…

“Tonight? But what about the show???”

“What show, Stone? We’ve just decided to cancel it…”

“But the supporting act is Tribe After Tribe! You love them, you’ve wanted to see them playing live since Tom Petty gave you their record! I definitely go and watch them!” Stone pouts like a child whose parents are about to call off the family visit to Disneyland.

“Shit… I mean, that’s true, they’re amazing… maybe you could come too…?”

“Nah, I don’t think so, I could finally sleep through the whole night… but we don’t have to do the soundcheck today, we could have the first lesson instead.”

“Hey Camden, you have a lot to learn, no one said you can skip today’s work!”

“I start with turning your volume down…” Judy retorts and turns immediately back to Jeff. “So, what do you say?”

“Sure… I mean, maybe you end up teaching me. But sooner or later, I have to figure out what I’m doing so…”

They both stand up, and as they are walking towards the exit, they keep talking, leaving the sour-faced Stone behind. I can only guess the reason of the change in her behavior… Jeff Ament, you’d better not mess up your chance.

***

„Granny, stop turning your head all the time! I can also hear you when you’re looking straight ahead. Otherwise I mess up your hair!”

“Effie darling, I’m an old woman, I don’t want to be pretty, I just want shorter hair so that I can comb it easier after hair wash.” she answers, of course she can’t help moving her head this time either.

“Granny! What did I just say? Okay, I accept that you don’t care about your look but I don’t lend my name to anything. Plus, if you keep squirming, I might even cut you. Or myself. Geez, I don’t know what happened to your hair after it had turned grey, it’s like barbed wire, maybe I should try it with a machete…” I mutter as I try to straighten her strands with a comb before I start cutting.

“I’ve told you, you can do anything with it, my body is a rusty, old machine, I can’t lean forward in the bath tub or brush it for hours. You could even shave it, I don’t care.”

“Do you really want to enjoy the Seattle rain on your bald scalp? I doubt it. Did you know that dripping ice cold water on the shaved head of prisoners was a popular way of torment in the Middle Ages? And I don’t think Mr. Taylor would like it either.” I refer to her old neighbor with a sly smile.

“Come on, Effie. Peter and I are both basically fossils.” she waves with an embarrassed, short laughter. We’ve been teasing her with him for years but she always reacts with denial, she belongs to the generation of which members think attraction over a certain age is something inappropriate. Or can’t even exist. And if it still does, it’s better to pretend it doesn’t.

“Single fossils!” I point out.

“I know it’s a very fashionable word nowadays but we are both widows, my dear. That’s completely different.” she insists playing with her wedding ring that embraces her ring finger still perfectly. I could stare at her hands for hours, her elegant fingers with strong, even, oval nails, whereas the backs of her hands and her palms are soft and always warm, Mom is convinced that’s the reason why she can prepare the most delicious homemade pastries in the world. The thin, fine, spiderweb-like wrinkles on them are telling the story of a complicated life, every single day adds a newer chapter to it…

“That doesn’t mean you have to live like a recluse, I don’t know why you’re fighting even against the idea.”

“We’ve just put dear Clara in the grave and…”

“Granny, Mrs. Taylor died like… eight years ago???” I whine clipping together a few strands of her.

“To me, it feels like it had happened yesterday.”

“Because with aging, the perception of time is changing completely. It’s scientifically proven. Mr. Taylor is handsome and kind and however much you try to ignore it, he likes you.”

“Sweetie, the head of girls in your age is full of romantic imaginations but…”

“Don’t even try to project it back on me! He trims the hedge in your front yard and peeps from behind the curtain all the time, just to show up by chance whenever you step out of the house! He basically tears the shopping bags out of your hands every time you arrive home from the grocery store!” I confront her with the facts and begin to trim her hair in the meantime.

“Because he’s a gentleman! Our generation was taught how to be polite!” she explains intensely making me grab her head with both hands and turn it back in the right direction.

“Are you trying to say my generation is rude? Anyway, Mr. Taylor is a retired TV mechanic! He could repair that piece of shit old box you’re not willing to replace whenever it gets fucked up.” I play my ultimate argument knowing she has a soft spot for her favorite series. She was mourning after the last episode of Dallas for weeks.

“Effie, you know I don’t like dirty words! Please!”

“Sorry. He could repair that useless device you’re not willing to replace every time it gets fucked up.” I giggle.

“Effie!”

“Granny, just think into it: you shouldn’t make us record the missed episodes and come over if you want to watch them… you don’t like video cassettes anyway and you said you could never learn how to work a video player…” I purr into her ears trying to sound hypnotical.

“It’s rather you who should have a suitor! You’re such a pretty, young, smart girl, I can’t believe you don’t have a boyfriend.”

Oh no. She turned the tables on me. Clever.

“First of all, being single is not a shame, I won’t expire if I don’t get married before I turn 25. I’m just… not interested in anyone right now.”

And by the way, if you’re not studying, not working, and your so-called friends have forgotten about your existence for the reasons above and gave up inviting you at parties and social events, you don’t even have any possible love interest around. Not that I blame them, my high school classmates are scattered everywhere in the country and after I suspended my studies, I kind of slowly drifted away from the college buddies. We hung out a few times after it but I lost track of everything, I understood fewer and fewer inside jokes, I’m not allowed to drink alcohol, which was obviously no fun to them… damn, I can’t even get rid of my waste products without outside help. So at this point, it’s not that easy to meet guys at all. Let alone normal guys who aren’t slackers, heroin addicts and don’t have commitment issues. I mean, bad guys seem to be exciting until you have one. And I’ve had a few one, I always buy their stupid shit and I’m sick of them. Victor is my only friend who still cares and lets me know about must-see shows at RCKNDY but he’s a friend, we’ve never thought about each other with any hint of romantic feelings at that’s okay. To be honest, I don’t even want to be in a relationship only for the sake of it but I miss that little tingle in the chest and the stomach, at least a teeny-tiny, innocent crush wouldn’t hurt…

“I’m sure you have admirers, just no one meets your expectations, maybe you set the bar too high… Ouch!” she lets out a short scream since I manage to pull her hair involuntarily. The “picky girl” card again… this time, I’m not willing to begin a debate with her about that, I’ve done that several times and she just waved me off every single time.

“I think we should rather discuss Judy’s love life, it’s her who‘s surrounded by handsome boys right now.” I change the subject of the conversation, I know I’m mean and if Judy was here, she’d certainly kill me… but she’s not and the end justifies the means.

“I still can’t imagine her in the company of those men.”

Those men. Granny refuses to call the band members anything else. Okay, on sunny days, she refers to them as “those young men”… but Seattle isn’t famous for the frequency of sunny days, as we know.

“They are nice guys, she likes them. And as far as I know, they like her too…” I rather resist the urge to mention Stone’s aversion to her. “Moreover, I heard through the grapevine that one of them liked her more than the others…”

“A suitor? Sweetie, please bring my bag here, now that you’re mentioning that, I want to ask you something.”

I obey, and walk to the armchair to grab it. Like it was so easy.

“Jesus, Granny, are you keeping bricks in your handbag??? It’s a lethal weapon, if you beat someone in the head with it, you can be put in jail…” I shake my head as I put it on her lap.

“Come on, it’s not that heavy. There are a few things in it a woman can need anytime… “ she starts rummaging in the bag and as I peak into it, I can spot a Swiss Army penknife and a small bottle of tear gas spray. I rather don't ask anything. “I know you’ve shown me pictures of those men, magazine articles, posters but you know I forget everything… So I bought something up-to-date so that you can tell me what I have to know about them, especially if it concerns my granddaughter…” she pulls something colorful out of the mess.

“Steel Hammer magazine? Haha, I can’t believe it! You just went to a kiosk and asked for the latest issue of a metal magazine???” I laugh walking back behind her to pick up the threads again.

“Well… I couldn’t remember the band’s name, I just told to the salesman that my grandchild was working with one of the famous rock bands from our town and I wanted to learn more about them. He just laughed and told me this issue was full of Seattle rock bands and I could certainly find in it what I was looking for.” she flips through the pages. “So tell me again the names of those men, please.” she lifts the magazine and I giggle as I look over her head at it.

“Oh, that’s Alice in Chains, they are also popular but… I don’t think you would approve if Judy worked for them.”

“Why? They do drugs, right? I don’t even want to hear more about that.” Thank God. I don’t think I could tell her much about them without causing her a heart attack. “But they must be them!” she puts a picture in front my nose again.

“You’re getting warmer… but… still not hot. That’s Soundgarden, they are good friends with the guys, they’re even meeting them in a few weeks in Texas, I guess they’re playing a couple of shows together. But they are nice guys too, you don’t have to worry. No drugs, no sex. I mean no sex with strangers. Or other bands’ crew members.” I add before she’d make me run background checks and look into their police records.

“And these men?”

“Whoohoo, you’re hot! That’s them, Pearl Jam!”

“They have nice hair! Actually, all these musicians do. And their eyes are clear, I like that. They seem to be honest young men.” Young men. Maybe if I tell enough nice things about them, she’ll even call them “boys”, or even “guys”. ”Who is who?”

“Eddie, Jeff, Stone, Dave and Mike.” I list pointing at each name on its owner.

“And which of them is courting our Judy?” she inquires excitedly.

“I wouldn’t call it courting yet, all I know he’s already asked her out once but I’m still investigating the details, you know how secretive she can be. Anyway, it’s the bassist, Jeff. The second one from left.” I glance over her head again while I collect another strand with the comb and straighten it to see its length.

“He’s very athletic, he looks healthy, that’s good. A strong man. But those earrings and bracelets… does he always wear them?”

I can hear the frown in her voice.

“I guess so. But that doesn’t make him a bad person, body piercings are very fashionable nowadays. Anyway, he’s a Montanan guy, he’s also an artist, he paints I guess. And you see right, he’s a talented athlete, he plays basketball too and he’s an avid skateboarder. It’s not dangerous!” I add quickly since I’m not sure if skateboarding is old enough to be on Granny’s list of approved spare times activities

“His clothing style is weird, though. His chest is almost bare, he couldn’t be cold but then why was he wearing that hat?”

“Hehe, no one knows, he’s just into hats, that’s his trademark.” I shrug.

“I can’t believe Judy likes him. But that serious one with those sad eyes might be her type.”

“Who?” I wrinkle my forehead since I can’t really pair the description with any of them.

“Him. He dresses normally, that’s a nice shirt, no earrings or other weird jewelry. Does he have a tattoo?”

I glance back at the magazine only to see she’s pointing at Stone.

“Hahaha, oh my gosh, no, as far as I know he doesn’t, but if you ask me, he could even be as spotted as a panther, Judy can’t stand him.”

“But he seems to be a nice boy…”

BOY??? Stone?

“Okay, I admit, he looks good and the crew likes him and he’s super talented but he’s an asshole to Judy.”

“Effie!”

“He is! At first he ignored her and then he started acting like a douchebag and…”

“Effie, dear, you know how boys behave in school… they sometimes literally torture the girl they like… maybe he is just immature.”

“No, Granny, this is…”

Luckily, the stupid debate gets interrupted by the ringing of the phone and I jog to pick it up, maybe it’s Judy…

“Hello, Camdens…”

“Hey, Krisha’s here.”

“Oh… hi…”

“So you haven’t been abducted by aliens. You basically ran away from the office last time without any explanation and I’ve been waiting for your call since then… are you okay?”

“I am… I just… didn’t want to seem too desperate or impatient… I mean, managers are busy people, I thought it’d take some time until Kelly gets to watch my pictures…”

To be honest, I was convinced they’d ditch me with some polite lie like “Nice photos but we are looking for something else” or “We are going to call you later”… so I was just procrastinating facing the truth.

“I tied him to his chair and didn’t set him free, I have my methods… which means, I’ve got news for you.” she announces secretively.

“Effie, sweetie… my hair is still wet, would you give me a towel?”

“Just a second, Granny! Look, I’m busy now but could we meet later somewhere in the city?”

“You mean today?”

“Yes… ah, shit, I have an appointment at the hairdresser’s, but maybe after it…”

“I’m flexible, just tell me the place and the date…”

“Okay, it’s…”

***

When I pull down at the address she gave me on the phone, she’s already waiting for me in front of the building. As I lean over the passenger seat to open the door for her, my eyes are involuntarily drawn to the window decorated with kitschy hearts behind her.

“Love Is In The Hair? Seriously???” I frown. “I’d never let my hair be touched by anyone who’s able to make up such a terrible pun.”

“Oh, don’t be influenced by that, the owner is a hopeless, sentimental old woman but the girls working there are real pros!” she shakes her head as she gets in and buckles herself up. “Meg’s got golden hands, she’s the only one who can keep this haystack under control.” she points at her good smelling, fluffy, blonde strands. “I mean, several people have attempted but she’s the only one who’s succeeded without turning me into Dolly Parton.”

“Well, that’s definitely wouldn’t be a fortunate outcome.” I crack up. “But you got a nice perm, truly.”

“Oh, that’s my hair in its natural state. I had only a haircut, that’s all.”

“I can’t believe that! Aw, I’m so envious, I mean look at this mouse tail…” I flick my thin ponytail with one hand, keeping the other one on the steering wheel. “Unfortunately, my hair can’t recover from what I did to it in the ‘80s…”

“Ouch, well, those were tough times... I’m sure Meg could recommend something… you should give her a try!”

“Maybe… I don’t know, somehow I have a strong aversion to beauty salons, that chicken yard vibe freaks me out.”

“Me too! But this place is not like that at all, that’s the other reason why I became their regular client. Meg studied psychology, she always feels without asking if I want to talk or just listen to her or I just want both of us to… you know, just shut up. She usually has good advice for every situation but not in a pushy way… she rather makes you realize what’s the right thing to do… or just points out if you’re about to make a terrible mistake without explicitly saying it.” she chuckles. “I don’t know, it’s like a sixth sense thing, she’s gifted.”

“So she’s a beauty wizard and a guru in one person.” I summarize.

“Haha, exactly. She’s simply a cool chick but for some reason, she has such a bad luck with guys, I don’t know the exact details, only that a problematic guitarist broke her heart.”

“Ha, that invasive species has kinda conquered this town…” I mutter knowingly.

“Speaking of that, do you know anything about Judy and Jeff? I ran away last time since I felt a disaster coming… she wasn’t even aware she’d been asked out… and since then, we’ve barely talked and she ignored the question when I came up with that…”

“Ugh, to be honest, I don’t know, I talked to Eric about work stuff, we’re busily preparing that free open-air show in May…” I stop since I’m not sure if I should go on. “Of course I talked to Stone as well…” I finally decide to do so but I pretend to be distracted by the traffic in the junction to have an excuse for not finishing the sentence.

“I bet he trashed my sister again, didn’t he?” she unfortunately jumps on the topic without hesitation.

“No… not really… I mean, he’s disapproving about anything romantic between them for sure but not because of Judy as a person… he just doesn’t think it’s a healthy thing right now. But he was obscure, I didn’t even understand what he was trying to say, he was babbling something about deflowering and cabal… he’s showing off his vocabulary all the time, even if it makes no sense. Especially when he’s high, maybe that was the case.”

“Deflowering? You mean my sister?” she scoffs and I can’t do anything but shrug since Stoney was truly vague, almost secretive. “The dude’s got obviously a screw loose.” she underlines the statement by circling with her index finger at the temple. “Anyway, why are you turning in that direction, aren’t we going to the management office?”

“I never claimed we’re going there.” I watch the road with a mysterious smile. “Actually, I realized after having called you that I had an errand to run so I thought you could accompany me…”

“By accompanying you mean kidnapping me and holding me hostage in your car?”

“Maybe. Open the glove compartment, I put there something for you.”

“Now you’re scaring me, is it a gun? Whoa.” she startles since after she obeys me, tons of tapes fall onto her lap.

“Ah, I get it. You’re holding me hostage and make me listen to shitty music, what are these? Tapes of Wham! tribute bands or what?” she asks checking the cases.

“Okay, you just gave me a great idea. The tapes weren’t intended for you, they are demos of bands monkeying PJ, we receive a buttload of them every week. Needless to say they all suck, could you do me a favor by listening to them for me? Kelly insists on me checking all of them, I don’t know why, though, we usually send them a polite refusal… but he thinks they deserve a chance. 99 % percent of them are indistinct yelling to worn-out riffs. What about my constitutional rights?”

“Haha, are you serious? I mean, I don’t really have any proper excuse, I have plenty of time and unfortunately, fucked-up kidneys don’t clog ears but…”

“Just kidding, I meant the folded sheets, maybe they are buried deep, just dig for them.”

“Okay, got it” she groans basically putting her head in the glovebox. “What’s that? Mr. Hugh Mility… Mr. Juan Badapple… Jim Rockford... Dr. Hugh Jeego… Guy Jantic… what the hell is this?”

“Well, since the guys are getting huge, fans are lurking at the hotels, they make up impossible lies to get their room numbers, a few of them even tried to bribe the receptionists… so it became obvious they should use codenames…”

“And who is who?”

“You missed the point, should I maybe explain the concept of codenames? What if you start stalking or harassing them?” I tease her and maybe I’m hallucinating but I’d swear I see an amused smile forming in the corner of her mouth. “Anyway, joke aside, they are pretty obvious, just think a little.”

“Wait, the list goes on… these must be the crew members… Elle Koholic, okay, this must be Carrie. Oh my god, I found my sister’s one.” she slaps herself in the forehead.

“Yeah, no offense but she’s got a one-track mind… anyway, we’ve arrived.” I announce steering the car right to the empty site next to the building.

“Are you willing to finally reveal where we are?” she asks stuffing the tapes back into their place.

“Curiosity killed the cat. Okay, I hope not, Stone would kill me.” I laugh at my own joke, fishing out the shopping bag from the backseat. “Come.”

“I don’t understand a word.” she pouts indignantly while we’re entering the building and climbing the stairs in the semi-darkness.

“I enlighten you very soon, I promise, just follow me.” I turn back to her and we fell silent until we reach our destination. “Here.” I point theatrically at the door.

“What’s this? Are you gonna buy drugs here? Or is this sort of a den of gamblers? Or…”

“Jesus, I thought you’re the adventurous one…” I roll my eyes. “Anyway, you mentioned the species of problematic guitarists… where we’re standing is the cave of a specimen from one of the subspecies.”

“…which iiiis…”

“One of the most complex inhabitant of Earth’s fauna: the rhythm guitarist!” I raise my index finger. “It’s very widespread at bars and concert venues, the male ones are inseparable from their favorite delicacy that is beer. The male living here is famous for his trademark, sarcastic remarks that are not without jokes about nether regions. During his mating season – that includes every single day of the year –, he tries to catch the attention of female specimens with the excessive flipping of his magnificent mane and his repetitive, distinctive laughter. He often leaves the location of mating right after the act, his volatile nature…”

“Wait, are you trying to say…” she cuts me off, getting tired of my improvised presentation.

“Yess.”

“No shit!”

“Yes shit. We’re at Stone’s apartment. Okay, it actually belongs to his sister but she moved in with her boyfriend last year. And Stoney got a gentle reminder from his parents that he should finally leave the family nest.”

“Hey, then maybe me and Judy are super uncool since we live with our mom too…” she frowns offended.

“It’s all about the context, first of all: he turned down Chris Cornell when he asked him to be his roommate. I repeat, Chris Cornell.” I explain, as I begin to fumble with the keys.

“What a fool!”

“I mean, I kind of understand him to a point, his parents are the dearest people I know but turning down such an offer when you’re over 20? Time went by and I think his parents just got fed of him tearing the strings at their attic all the time and coming home in the middle of the night every single day. Even if they have always been totally supportive of him, they didn’t freak out even when he announced he didn’t want to go to college… he started working as an espresso guy in a small bakery at Pioneer Square, he was the worst, by the way, I mean I almost puked of the coffee he made… He quitted that job when Mother Love Bone got signed to PolyGram and… you know what happened later. So he kind of stuck at home, indebted.”

We enter the apartment in the meantime and I take a few steps in the living room to turn on the standard lamp.

“But then, not much before the tour started, his sister let him her place over, he’s a low-key guy so…” I shrug. “Now that they became basically rock stars, he’s planning to buy a small house… his dad is an attorney-at-law with acquaintances at real estate firms, that helps a lot.”

“We had to sold our house when… a few years ago.” she sighs. I don’t ask, I guess it has to do something with her father, Karrie mentioned he’d died a few years ago. “This is a pretty nice place, I thought it was messier. No piles of beer cans, no smell of rotten food…” she remarks walking around the living room.

“Despite your impressions, he’s not a caveman, he always jokes referring to himself as an emancipated guy meaning he can and is willing to do all kind of housework. He can be pretty oblivious, though, which sometimes affects the result…” I giggle and open the windows to let in some fresh air. “His brain works in a weird way, he loses everything, all the time and forgets where he put his personal belongings and therefore never finds them again… whereas he’s pretty good at remembering riffs and melodies.”

“So this place is like a black hole. Anyway, why are we here? Wait, are we going to pull pranks on him? Let’s stick pins in the armchairs, smear tooth paste on the door handles and hide dog poop under the doormat…” she suggests with stars in her eyes. Okay, I have to do something against this hatred campaign before these wicked women cast a lethal spell on him.

“As I mentioned, I have a mission. First of all, I have to keep those poor things alive…” I point in the corner.

“Wow, a private jungle!” she exclaims surprised. “Philodendron, ficus and mother-in-law’s tongue! If someone had told me Stone liked indoor plants, I wouldn’t have believed it.”

“Actually, he sometimes forgets about their existence too. But they are real survivors, they even made it despite his girlfriend’s interesting watering methods… by the way, he even gave them names: Phil Collins, Biggus Diccus and Robert Plant, I guess I don’t have to explain…” I go on with the guided tour while I go in the kitchen to fill the coffee jug with water.

“At least the guy has a good taste in music.” she shouts. She must have found his record collection and the stereo system, I guess if something, this can soften Effie up.

“Yes, he’s surprisingly omnivorous as for musical genres…” I call back although my voice sounds muffled, since I had to basically crawl into the cupboard at the bottom for the bag of the pet food. “He’s pretty much influenced by everything he hears on the radio. Ouch!!!” I manage to bang my head when I straighten up too early.

“Are you okay?”

“I am… just a household accident…”

I walk back to the bedroom with the small bowl full of dry food only to find her staring amazed at the large star chart on the wall.

“Wow. My sister would love this.” she keeps examining it with dropped jaw, only her lips are moving.

“Well, I’ve always known they have much more in common than they think.” I grin.

“Judy had a pretty long phase when she wanted to be an astronomer… I mean, basically her in her whole childhood. She later found out physics and science weren’t really her thing but she’s still obsessed with space exploration and science fictions…”

“As you can see, Stone isn’t that beer-drinking, douchebag barfly type…” I spread my arms to point out that the walls are almost covered with bookshelves.

“Yeah, as far as I can see, he’s pretty much an intellectual asshole.” she narrows her eyes.

“AND NOW… let’s jump to the second part of my mission.” I kneel down and lift the bedspread. “Your Majesty, your subjects are only waiting for you to begin the audience.” After a few seconds of silence, two reddish paws reach out from under the bed, soon followed by a pink nose. Their owner makes sure there’s nothing dangerous in the room in full alert mode, before she crawls out slowly and rubs her snout against my hand reached out.

“Oh my god! A cat! Was she here during the whole time?” Effie screams surprised, sits down cross legged and invites her to herself making smacking sounds. “Hey sweetie… you’re very shy, aren’t you? Come here…come…”

“Effie, let me introduce you Red. Red, this is Effie. Be cautious… she can behave quite wild, especially with women…”

Despite my fears, she slowly moves towards Effie and sniffs her fingertips. After a few seconds of tense hesitation, she lets herself be caressed with that typical vigilance of cats like she was sending the message “I’m here but if you make a wrong move, you die”.

“What a beautiful fur… and those green eyes…” the girl runs her finger along the red-white spotted back. “She seems to like me…” the girl chuckles.

“One more proof that Stone’s theory was right.”

“What kind of theory?”

“Well… he adopted her not much after the forming of the band… she was just a tiny, fluffy kitten but from the very first moment, she’s acted very weird with the girls around Stone. And I don’t mean girls in general, I’m talking about his female visitors, if you know what I mean… she’s been very hostile to girls he’s dated, she’s basically driven away all the chicks he’s got hooked up with… She’s literally jealous of his love interests.”

“Interesting, I’d rather think Stone is a dog person…”

“He is, his family has always had dogs… but with Red… it was love at first sight. I’ve never seen him being as affectionate to actual girls as to Red. Even his voice softens when he’s talking to or about her… so long story short, Stone was joking that they must have been lovers in a previous life and she had been some red-haired girl who’d stolen his heart.”

“And does she like girls who hate him because they mean no competition for her?” Effie wonders as she follows the cat with her eyes who’s now approaching her bowl and gets lost in the deliciously looking pieces of meat. “It’d be an interesting experiment to introduce her to Judy.”

“Definitely, she’s never met a real female enemy of him. Maybe because girls usually like him…” I shrug.

“And is this poor thing the whole day alone?”

“Ugh, it’s a complicated story. When the guys started touring, the Gossards adopted her. Again. But they have to get rid of her, because they all are allergic to cat fur, it wasn’t that disturbing when Stone was at home too and she basically lived in the attic with him and he was the only one really taking care of her… but when he was away and they had do it for him, they quickly had to look for someone else… and then, she got to Regan, our common old friend. They got on very well with each other but then Regan and his girlfriend adopted a dog and to say they weren’t compatible is an understatement. And then…” I took a big breath “…then came the Amber phase. I don’t know if I’ve already mentioned her, she’s his girlfriend.”

“Ouch.” she hisses. “That must have been tough.”

“It was. Due to the beforementioned circumstances, their relationship was everything but smooth… she never adopted her, she just came over to feed her and all but Red was trying very hard to make her life a living hell. She attacked her, scratched her arms, hooked her nails in her tights and ruined her nicest clothes…” I list and I can’t help smiling as I recall their clashes.

“I can’t believe this cutie pie did things like that. It sounds terrible but… hey, are you laughing???”

“It was a dis… a disaster…” I’m already choking of laughter since in the meantime, Red’s innocent face makes me remember the funniest part of the story. “Once she even… oh no, I can’t…” I try to calm down and put on straight face. “Once this little bitch…” Red turns her head towards me like she felt addressed “yes, I’m talking about you… so this little bastard peed in Amber’s heels.”

“Oh no! Cat pee is the worst, it’s a one-way ticket to the dumpster. I mean only if you don’t set everything that got in contact with it on fire.”

“Well, that happened to the heels in question too. But frankly, I don’t blame Red, I myself have played with the idea of doing the same a few times too.” I shrug and have Effie in stitches.

“So you hate her too…”

“I don’t, she’s not a bad person… but she can be so annoying, man… when you have to admire the umpteenth fashion photo of her posing in different clothes, it’s very difficult to seem to be interested.”

“Uhm… speaking of photos… you said you got news for me… I didn’t want to be too greedy, I mean I really like hanging out with you and I’m not doing it only because I want your help and…” she jabbers blushing.

“Hey, easy. The news are that Kelly loved your photos. And Susan Silver too. And they have a great idea…”

[edvedfanfic]

seven.

  "Ok..Ok...Let me get this straight. You almost drowned in ankle deep water?" Eddie had tears rolling down his cheeks as Jane told him a story of her wayward youth. 

  "Yes! And my friends just stood and laughed, but it was actually serious!" Jane laughed with him. Her feet were propped up on the dashboard, they had been in the car for over two hours driving towards the still unknown destination. 

  Jane reached over and nudged Eddie's shoulder... "Come on...You've got to have some good ones."

 He ran his hand through his hair and thought for a moment. "Ok, well you know the song Porch we sing? We played it the other night?" Jane nodded. "Ok, well we were playing down in Kentucky and we had found this dummy and dressed it up like me and when Porch was playing I climbed up into the lights and dropped this dummy version of me..You know...Thinking people would freak about it? Thinking I had just fallen and died...But, I'm not shitting you...No one except like maybe one guy even noticed, let alone cared. Talk about a hit on the ego." 

  The car began to slow and Jane realized they were getting off the highway. "Ok seriously...It's only fair that you tell me where we're going" 

  "No need to tell you....We're here." Eddie winked and slowed the car to a stop. "Grab your rain jacket."

  They were on a dirt road that didn't even look like a road, and she was fairly certain she had seen signs that clearly stated "No Trespassing". 

  "Come on, grab a kayak." Eddie called over his shoulder. She couldn't help but admire the way the wind blew his hair around his face and the way the muscles in his arms tensed as he raised them above his head. In one swift movement he had the kayaks down on the ground gracefully. "Alright, you ready?" 

   "Is this legal?" She questioned him as he handed her a paddle.

  "Mmm...Partially..But I know some people so we should be good."

  In a few short minutes they were on their way and out into the sound. 

  "Whenever I'm really stressed or overwhelmed I come here. I figured you'd like it though...Especially a little closer to dusk, there's a really special treat fo you." He paddled pushing himself past her. The sun was shining in his face making his smile wide and eyes closed. 

 "So is this a typical place for you to take girls?" She said it teasing but was honestly curious. 

  "No...I haven't dated in a really long time.. I'm a little out of practice you could say."

  "Well...Join the club...I've been single for a very long time. Guess I should just get a cat and call it a life." Jane laughed but immediately wanted to take her words back. Way to sound desperate! She inwardly cringed.

  He smiled widely at her..."I like cats."  In one quick moment he flicked his paddle at her getting sea water across her upper body. 

  She gasped loudly, and quickly splashed him back. He laughed and as he came over to her. "As much fun as I'm having hanging out in the sound with you, this is barely the start of the game plan today. You ready?"  

 Jane smiled and followed in pursuit of him. They talked through the trip and Jane noticed they were heading further out to sea than she had anticipated. She hadn't seen the Pacific Ocean until she moved to Seattle and she had not been disappointed, it was gorgeous. But it was certainly different experiencing it with Eddie than all the times she had been with Alizabeth. 

  They continud out when Eddie slowed and twisted around to talk to her, "We might be a little early...But there's some friends I want you to meet." He smiled and all Jane wanted was to be wrapped in his arms and be enveloped in his scent. She slowed as she approached him and their kayaks bumped. "You're not bad at this, I'm a little surprised." He laughed and again flipped water at her.

  "I kayaked a lot back home in Virignia. Meditation and exericse all in one." She smiled, thinking back to her days in the Blue Ridge Mountain. She looked up at him squinting into the oncoming sunlight. Eddie's smile was bright and his eyes wide with the sun behind him. His hair was dishelved from wind and the trip they had made out to sea. Even under his long sleeve shirt you could see the muscle definition. He rocked the kayak back and forth looking at Jane. And she was filled the longing again, deep in the pit of her stomach. Who am I?! Her mind internally pounded.

"Jane.....You're beautiful." Heblurted out reached out and reached for her hand. 

She blushed furiously and looked down at her sandy hiking boots. "I...Just...I don't really have that great of a track record with men....And so..."  He squeezed her hand and smiled as she looked up.

"Do you think, if you're really careful and balanced, you'd like to double up in my kayak?" He asked cutting her off.

"I'm a little clumsy but we can try..." She replied.

"Please be very careful...We're in incredibly deep water and it's going to be a long cold ride back to shore if you fall in."  He scooted back in his kayak and moved his paddle making room for her. He grabbed her kayak to stablize it as she began to stand up. "Here...Come here...Easy." 

Jane was shaking as she stood. "I've got you." Eddie soothed, and he did. The small boats barely bobbed with the tide. In one swift moment she had one in Eddie's kayak and with an ungraceful slip she fell onto the seat between Eddie's legs. The boat rocked dangerously back and forth but they remained upright. Eddie tied her kayak off so they floated together. 

He wrapped his arms around her waist and buried his face in her hair. She giggled as he exhaled on her neck. "I like this..." He said as he squeezed both arms around her waist and kissed her ear. "You evoke something different from me." He whispered. 

  Any fears Jane had of him vanished. He wasn't some rock star trying to have his way with her. The sigh of relief they both had when finally being in each other's arms was enough to prove it. And Jane had been trying to hide it but he was right, there was something different about him. About the way they were together.  

  Suddenly he perked up and gently patted her leg, "Jane...They're here." He whispered. 

  Suddenly, there was a splash of water, enough to startle Jane. And again, coming from another part of the ocean. It took her a moment to realize what was happening. And then just as it clicked, she saw it. 

 "Oh my...Oh my God...Eddie...Are those.....?" 

"Whales." He whispered in awe in her ear. "There's a pod of them that frequent through here." His face was pressed next to hers and she could feel him smiling and hear it in his voice without having to see it.

 And suddenly, without much warning, she began cry. 

"What's wrong?!" A panicked Eddie turned her shoulders around so he could see her face. He seemed shocked to see that through her quiet sobs she was smiling. 

"They're so beautiful." As much as she wanted to keep looking at Eddie she had to break his gaze and look back at the whales. It seemed as though more and more were appearing. There had to be at least eight, maybe more.

They were breaching and vocalizing to each other. Some close enough to make Jane nervous as their kayak bobbed with the water displacement. They blew water into the air as they chased each other through the open water. Paying no attention to Jane and Eddie.

Eddie pulled her hair away from her face. "Makes you feel small doesn't it?"

"I have never felt more alive. Than right now. This moment."  

"Have you ever seen one before?" He asked. 

"No...I'm...Awestruck. Eddie...I've seen the world...And... Never." She was finding it hard to string words together into sentences. "Eddie..." She took her eyes off the pod and turned to him. "Thank you." She whispered and placed a kiss on his lips.

They stayed and watched the whales play for what felt like an eternity but also seemed to pass too quickly for Jane. They laughed, picking nick names for them as they swam around them. Some bold enough to come within a few feet of the couple. Eddie explained that as long as they allowed the Orca's to come to them and they didn't chase them they were within the law. While him seeking out the pods frequented area was slightly frowned upon, he had been "caught" by Wildlife Patrolman in the area enough times that they recognized him and knew he wasn't causing any harm. He explained he had never brought anyone else to "his spot" in all the time that he lived in Seattle, not even his mom. 

"I just didn't want to share it with anyone, but when I met you and heard some of your story I knew you needed to see it." He shrugged. "Actually, I'm surprised your work hasn't got you out here yet." Eddie explained.

As the whales left their area Eddie noted that they should head back to shore because they didn't want to paddle back in the dark. Jane reluctantly got back into the other kayak and paddled with Eddie back to the shore. As they got back to shore they both took their shoes off, so they could pull the kayaks onto the shore. Jane was standing in shallow water when Eddie smirked at her with a mischevious glint in his eye..."You better be careful, I know how well you do in water this deep." He teased referencing her story from the car ride over. 

"Hey- That-" But before she could form a rebuttal Eddie lunged for her and scooped her up, threatening to dunk her. Laughing, Jane screamed. "Eddie...Put! Me! Down!" 

"If you insist...." And for a second Jane felt as though he was dropping her but he quickly tightened his grip on her again. Instead, as she caught her breath, he pulled her in and kissed her. Jane's hands curled around his neck and wove their way through his long hair. He repostioned her and she was straddling him as he supported her weight with his arms. He kissed down her neck and along her shoulders. She buried her face in his hair breathing him in. He walked them out of the shallow ocean. "As much as I love this...I really...Uhm...I just don't...Think that...."

"You're married aren't you?!" Jane blurted as she pulled herself away from him. He suddenly looked confused and hurt but then as he placed her on the wet sand he laughed. 

"No." He pulled her face to his and gently kissed her lips briefly."I was trying to say, that I was just want it to be special if we sleep together. You're a special girl and you deserve more than some heat of the moment romp on the beach." He smiled. "That's all."

She smiled widely and returned his kiss. "Let's go home." She whispered.

[shewantedtobeasecretgirl]

10. Bathroom wall a.k.a. a queen bee, Prince in the shower and a backup Casanova (Part One)

„After all… it could be worse. It’s definitely nicer than the apartment I shared with the Friels in L.A.”

“Spare me the details…” Stone mumbles as we’re walking with our bags and suitcases to our rooms. Every second neon light is flickering, which, apart from making me tic, creates a Hitchcockian vibe here. But we have no choice, this is the only motel in the smalltown in which we are stuck for one night on our way to Charlotte. The tour bus of the crew broke down and after two hours of consultation, the drivers confirmed the case requires a car mechanic. Since we were in the late afternoon, Eric decided to cancel our hotel reservation for this night and we checked in the first and only motel we found here.

“I’m happy we only have to spend one night here. Not that I’m picky but this Bates Motel scares the hell out of me…” Judy glances around nervously, reading in my mind as usual. “It’s that a cockroach trap?” she squeaks.

“Don’t worry, I know how to deal with insects, I grew up on a farm, these bastards show up very often around animals.”

“…aaand that’s exactly why we have to worry…” Stone adds having us in stitches.

“Stoney, your only luck is that I can handle any sort of animals.” Jeff retorts grinning as he walks a few steps backwards to see Stone’s reaction but he tactically waits with his retort for him turning back.

“Oh yeah… and you can’t wait to show her your one-eyed trouser snake.” he mutters and I try to mask my snorts by faking a cough. However much I like Judy and however much I have no idea what’s going on exactly between her and Jeff, Stone’s remarks about their bashful kindergarten romance are just hilarious…

“I’ve got bugs in my room…” Ed shows up in the door we’ve just passed.

“Bugs… and no TV.” Beth puts her head out too.

“Great. All I’ve wanted was to stare random sports coverages with glazed eyes and not to think about anything…”

“Since when have you needed any outside help to do that?” Stone targets our bassist again.

“Well, Mike, you’ve won the jackpot. One night with Stone without a TV… What do you think, Jeff, how long it’ll take until he knocks on your door begging you for cutting his cochlear nerves out of his skull?” she asks raising one eyebrow.

I must admit Stone has met his match in this girl. Honestly, I can’t stand when they are yelling with each other but a healthy level of wrangling can’t hurt. At least he leaves us alone while he’s busy with hating her… and she’s not that damsel in distress what she looks like at first sight, even if Stone isn’t willing to acknowledge that.

“Why does nobody care about ME?” Stone whines. “One night without TV… in the company of Mike McCready’s infamous right hand…”

I jinxed it.

“You know, Stone, I still can strangle you with the left one…”

“EWWW!” the others groan in unison, probably visualizing the scene. Now that I think into it, it’s rude, truly…

“Mike, behave yourself, we have now a lady in the crew; we can’t act like wild boars anymore…”

“But wild boars can’t even…”

“A lady. Of course. And what I am? Or who? Wilma Flintstone?” Karrie shakes her head with folded arms standing in the next door.

“Oh, you’re such a badass that we always forget you’re a woman… Okay, that definitely sounded better in my head.” I duck my head seeing the reproving expression of the others. “What I’m trying to say is that you survived several tours with punk bands, I’m sure we’re innocent lambs in comparison to them…”

“Pure, immaculate babies…” Jeff bats his eyelashes.

“You’d better prepare for getting dirty… since there’s no shower in the rooms…”

“What?” Judy lets out a short scream that reminds me of the squeak of a random exotic bird.

“I’m serious, there’s only a toilet with a small sink.” she opens the door in her room. As I enter to peek in, the smell strikes me. Everything in the room, including the furniture, the tapestry, the curtain is saturated with the massive smell of cigarette smoke. I don’t even know if one could get rid of this level of smell… maybe by demolishing the whole building and sowing salt onto its place…

“Does that mean there’s no shower here at all?” Judy inquires one octave higher.

“No worries, it’s here…” we hear Dave’s voice from the end of the hallway. Judy drops her backpack on the ground and hurries in his direction; after a collective shrug, we decide to follow her. On entering, I count two sinks and a rickety classroom chair in the forefront; I go on with my expedition and find myself in a wider room with each four shower compartments on both sides.

“What do you think, is that the women’s shower or…” Judy wonders. We exchange an amused look before bursting out in laughter.

“Judy, I doubt there’s another one in this building.” Jeff throws one arm around her shoulder. “But I’m sure we’ll find a solution to this problem.”

“S-sure.” she reddens in a second. “D-did I mention I lived in a dorm in my first two years on Juilliard? Actually, there were separate showers for girls and boys but you could never know whom you could encounter there…” she jabbers examining the nose of her shoes.

“And which one did you visit more often?” Stone asks in a phlegmatic manner not showing much interest in the answer since he begins to discover the room with both hands in the pocket.

“Actually, showers have great acoustics so I would use the evenings when everyone was away and sneak in with my bassoon to practice…” her face lights up. The poor girl hasn’t suspected yet what I already know: Stone will use the occasion to embarrass her all the more.

“So you practiced on your bassoon there. Finally, I’ve learned how classical musicians call it!”

“Tell me Stone, what makes you think about penis all the time?” Jeff grins while Judy is only staring in front of herself completely mortified. “We’re talking about animals… PENIS! We notice the lack of TV… PENIS! Judy mentions a musical instrument… PENIS! What would Freud think about that?” he takes his chin between his thumb and index finger and starts scratching it with them, pretending cogitation.

“We should call Amber, the guy needs urgent treatment.” Dave snorts.

“Or I can leave you alone for this evening…” I place my hand on Stone’s shoulder with a meaningful expression.

“Okay guys… I leave you alone and give you five minutes to discuss your pubescent wet dreams or to do whatever you collectively want to, I’m not interested in the details, what happens here that stays here but after the blood returns in your brain, we should decide what to do in the evening since I want to spend here as little time as possible. I saw a bar opposite the motel, maybe they have a TV or maybe we could play pool or foosball…”

“Great idea. Now leave.” Dave tosses her jokingly to the hallway.

I do like her idea, I’d be anywhere but here… but I already know the signs. The knives in my stomach… it’s coming…

***

„Look, Judy and Scully are sitting there!”

“…and that’s why we’re gonna choose another table…” Stone mumbles.

“I tell you a secret: you won’t catch leper just by sitting next to her…”

“I don’t wanna hazard, how would I look with one ear or… whatever…”

“A smaller nose wouldn’t hurt, though…”

“I must say, Stone’s right…” Dave turns back to me. “You shouldn’t breathe down her neck all the time.”

“I don’t…”

“You do.” they answer in unison and Dave goes on like he was the dating guru of the band. “If you like a girl and follow her everywhere like a puppy, she will take it for granted. But if you sometimes act casual and don’t treat her like a princess…”

“… she will have no clue whether I like her or not and nothing will happen between us in the rest of our lifetime.” I cut him off.

“No, it’s all about tactics! You show interest, then you pull back, but you’ve already piqued her curiosity so she takes the next step, then you make a move again and this time you try to get closer than last time, then you take back from the pace again making her jealous… and so on…”

“Come on, it’s not like a basketball match, I hate playing games and dancing things around, I just go and ask her out and tell her how I feel and if she rejects me, at least I can tell I didn’t run circles… I hate making a fool of myself.”

“As you want, Jeff… but one thing I know: the most exciting girls all play “the game”. All of them. I’ll grab the beers.” Dave sums up with a meaningful grin before heading to the counter.

“You should leave her alone. I mean not because of what Dave said, obviously, neither is she exciting, nor is she a player and I’m scientifically not convinced that she’s a girl at all but seriously… you can’t expect much from her…”

“I don’t really care about your opinion, you can’t stand her, fine, but I…”

“… you can’t expect much from her…” he repeats taking a deep breath “because she’s a virgin.“

“Hahaha, Jesus, Stone, forget this bullshit finally, not all decent girls are nuns or spinsters!” I shake my head glancing to the direction of the decent girl in question. Luckily, the TV screen over the counter and the broadcasting of a basketball match on it serve as unquestionable excuse for me following what’s happening at our friends’ table.

“Bashfulness is one thing… and her potato bag-like dresses weren’t designed for seduction either but… I’ve heard something…”

“What? Her reading her gynecology record?” I snort.

“Very funny… you think I’m kidding… it happened at the SNL set. Between our appearances, I went back to our dressing room and when I entered she was… begging Eddie to show her how to use a condom…” Stone gets finally to the point pushing the ash tray back and forth with his thumb.

“Are you high or what? You mean she… she… she asked Ed to grab his dong and…” I’m trying to overcome my laugh attack.

“Jesus, no!!! She wanted him to do it with a banana. Plus, Beth was there too.”

“This story is getting better and better.” I keep snickering as I bury my face in my hand, not that me tearing off my own face would bother Stone in finishing the presentation of his theory.

“Well, it sounds pretty sick at first but if you think into it… she’s inexperienced… she gets on well with Beth… who tries to enlighten her about sex stuff… and she gets the idea that her boyfriend could help her with the male side of the story…”

“Stone?”

“Yup?”

“You’re a fuckin’ perv, you watch too much threesome porn.” I lean closer looking in his eyes.

“Since when has been threesome a perverse thing?” he asks back avoiding my eyes with a lopsided smile.

“I didn’t say that. But fantasizing about Judy discussing sexual topics with a couple who happen to be our friends is definitely only the product of your twisted mind.” I poke him in the forehead with my index finger. “Anyway, this whole incubus is full of contradictions. Like, you know too that Ed can be pretty shy about certain topics, if this scene had happened the way you told, he would have got embarrassed and…”

“I know, it was weird to me too but he even began to joke about it suggesting that we should write a song about ejaculation…”

“Haha, I always thought Mike would be the first to come up with that…”

“You know, some people write songs about it, some people practice it… Anyway, admit it, it makes sense. She’s shy, she reddens all the time, she even makes up a ridiculous excuse just to avoid being kissed…”

“…which is also only your theory, let’s make it clear.” I interject but in the meantime, I catch myself observing Judy’s body language. She talks to Scully with folded arms, as if she was trying to squeeze in and take up as little space as possible. Noticing my distraction, Stone also glances towards them and goes on with his mental leap, not taking his eyes off them.

“Of course… it’s possible that I misheard them. Maybe she was talking about bandanas and I thought it was about a banana. Maybe she didn’t even say “condom.” Maybe she said bottom… or bonbon… or pontoon… or…”

“Just shut up finally!” I grunt still focusing on my target who now tucks both palms under her thighs and listens to our guitar tech with undivided attention. I wish there was a manual on the typical moves of sexually inactive girls… shit, Stone’s tactic works. As always. He’s got that annoying skill to bug with you his impossible ideas again and again until you realize he’s put a bee in your bonnet and crawled totally into your mind. “Anyway, even if you’re right, what does it change?”

“Right about what?” Dave rejoins the conversation and distributes the three bottles of beer before he sits back on his place.

“Whether Saint Judith has already popped the cherry.” Stone grins against the rim of the bottle with sassy eyebrow twitches.

“Geez, don’t you have anything better to talk about?” Dave shakes his head and I reward his reaction by clapping appreciatively. “Anyway” he goes on with a little break while he’s taking a sip “if you’re that curious, why don’t you just go and ask Karrie?”

“I’M NOT CURIOUS ABOUT IT!” I raise my voice. “Excellent idea Dave, I don’t even know why it hadn’t occurred to me before… like, “hey Karrie, has your cousin banged recently? I mean, since she was born?” After all, she would probably only tear my head off and play basketball with it stomping on my dead body. It’d be totally worth trying.”

My reaction makes Dave laugh so hard that he ends up dropping the cigarette he’s just put into the corner of his mouth. As he places it back approaching it with the lighter, I hear a female voice over my head.

“Have you got light?”

The owner of the voice is a tall, slim girl. She isn’t pretty in the conventional meaning but the contrast between her dark hair and eyes and her pale skin gives her a femme fatale look. The red lipstick she’s wearing only multiplies this image; due to the striking phenomenon, it takes me a few seconds to notice the two other girls standing behind her. They are nice but obviously not nice enough to eclipse the vibe of Lipstick Girl. After all, ladies-in-waiting have never been allowed to look better than their queen…

“Sure” mumbles Dave offering the lighter, not that he’s got any choice because Lipstick Girl has already taken place on the fourth chair after her rhetorical question.

Stone and I glance at each other confirming that we don’t have any other choice either than reaching out for each one chair at the surrounding tables and pulling them closer to ours, so that the other two girls don’t have to be standing miserably around us.

“You’re those guys from Pearl Jam, right?” Lipstick Girl inquires blowing the smoke lazily. For no reason, though, since knowing the answer, she goes on with the next question. “And where’s your singer?”

I should have known. They are interested in the famous Eddie Vedder. As ninety-nine percent of people who know the band.

“He stayed at the hotel. With his girlfriend.” I try to answer in a dark voice.

“Oh. That’s too bad. I’m Claudia, by the way.” her face lights up as she reaches out her hand to Stone and I can’t decide whether her sudden enthusiasm is real or she’s a serial killer who’s just found her backup victim.

“That Guy From Pearl Jam.” Stone shakes hands with her.

“And these are my friends, Jordan and Wendy.” she goes on with the introduction, ignoring Stone’s sarcastic response. Wendy can’t help giggling excitedly hearing her own name while Jordan sends a shy smile towards us.

“Actually, we rather call him Stone. It’s shorter and simpler. Sort of… classy.” I explain.

“Yes, and since we’re all “That Guy From Pearl Jam”, we had to find out another names, otherwise we’d never know who’s talking to whom. That’s why we call him Jeff.” Dave points at me cracking the girls up with his joke, of course Claudia’s laughter is the loudest from the trio.

“Actually, we found this dude in a dumpster. We decided to adopt him and named him Dave.” I point back at our drummer keeping our company entertained. Tit for tat. ”By the way, Stone is our guitarist…”

“Rhythm guitarist…” he feels necessary to specify the name of his position.

“Oh my god, I love rhythms.” Wendy exclaims pressing her hand against her chest.

“But Dave is our rhythm master-in-chief, he plays the drums.”

“Actually, bass belongs to the rhythm section too… by the way, I’m the bass player…” I add although I doubt they could distinguish between the types of guitars.

“And aren’t you playing a show tonight?” Jordan finally speaks up but before we could answer politely her dumb question, Claudia humiliates her saying out loud what’s probably not only on my but also my bandmate’s mind.

“Of course they aren’t, what do you think, they have clones or what? Anyway, what are you doing here?” she suddenly turns back into the chatty Catwoman, sending an irresistible smile at Stone. She must be bipolar.

“We’re just hangin’ out… talkin’ about stuff… mostly manly stuff. Porn… tuned cars…” Stone shrugs.

“Oh my god, I love tuned cars!” Wendy clucks in, obviously her sensor for sarcasm isn’t working, in case she has one at all.

“…guns…” Dave adds and despite my expectations, Wendy doesn’t express her enthusiasm this time.

“…and basketball…” I throw in my contribution but I immediately lose interest in the conversation, when Dave nudges me nodding towards Judy and Scully. I immediately decode his signal and glance there too to realize Judy is staring us. And as far as I can see, her expression is curious and confused at the same time.

“You see? It’s working…” Dave mutters between his teeth pretending to listen to the rambling of Wendy and Claudia. “Now make her clear she’s not the center of the universe, you notice other girls too…” he advises pulling out the next cigarette of the pack. As always, Stone reaches out for it too knowing Dave always spares him and pardons his grubbing.

“Wow, may I check your hands?” Claudia uses the occasion and like every time since they joined us, she does what she wants regardless to the answer, which means this time her grabbing Stones right hand and starting touching it enthusiastically. “Your hands are beautiful… how can fingers be that long? And they are so soft!” she also narrates the process, making Stone let out a silent chuckle. Despite being the sarcastic commenter of our life, he can be pretty aloof with strangers and I’m sure he’s embarrassed this time too. Driven by a sudden idea, I basically push my hands in the face of Jordan.

“Look, bassist hands look totally different!”

“Yeah… your finger seems… stronger. I like your rings…” she flushes but I find more interesting the outraged grimace of the girl behind her. Is it possible that Dave was right? She’s flailing as she’s explaining something angrily to Scully, still looking at us… Is she maybe…jealous? Yass!!!

In the meantime, music starts playing from the speakers, it’s Hot Stuff by Donna Summer. Weird choice at a pub without a real dance floor but the girls at our table don’t feel bothered by that fact since they all start screaming grabbing for each other’s hands.

“Oh my god, I love this song!” Wendy shrieks. How surprising.

“I can’t help dancing every time I hear it!” Claudia sighs and in the next second I see her pulling Stone – whose hand she’s still holding in hers ­ in the middle of the bar while our bandmate turns back and sends desperate S.O.S. signals to us.

“Yes, let’s dance!”

The two other girls follow them and they encourage us to do the same by shouting back at us. Dave silently grins at me and I immediately know what’s on his mind.

“No. No way. Forget it.”

“Come on Jeff, let’s finish what you’ve started. Everything for the cause.”

As his smile grows wider I realize I have no choice.

“I can’t believe I’m doing this.” I groan as I pinch the bridge of my nose, even closing my eyes tightly as if it could help me turn invisible. “Okay, let’s do it.” I exhale deeply and drag myself after Dave.

I honestly hope this works… And if it does, I’ll want to get a very generous reward for it.

***

„I gladly help you, Judy but don’t you think it’ll be too much? You want to learn everything at once. I mean, I’m not saying you’re not capable of it but I’m not sure that my experiences would be useful… even Brett’s task is closer to that of Karrie’s, so…”

“The more I work with the team the more I feel that I know nothing. N O T H I N G. Karrie’s done this job for years and I only have weeks to become her replacement… Jesus, I was a goddamn idiot when I said yes.” Judy leans her forehead against her palms with a desperate sigh. “This whole job is about physics that has never been my strength…” she lifts her bottle to her lips, which is a move she’s done very often tonight. Actually, I don’t mind it, she hasn’t been very talkative to me but seemingly, beer proves to be an effective tongue loosener at her.

“Come on, do the others look like rocket scientists?”

“Of course not. But everything what they learned by experiencing step by step, I have to compensate in like… weeks? A degree in physics or electrical engineering would be more useful than my skill to recognize chords by ear or analyze a fugue theme or…

“And why do you think that the guitar tech could introduce you into the mysterious world of sound waves and frequencies? I basically just tinker with Stone’s guitars, prepare him cold beer on the amp and hand him the towel between songs…”

“You forgot to mention your supernatural ability…”

“…which would be…?”

“First, being able no to vomit of the look of his sweaty body… and to bear him, generally. Seriously, man, you should receive the Nobel Peace Prize, it’s some achievement.” she glimpses narrow-eyed at the three-fifths of the band. It’s beginning. They don’t even need to be in any interaction to find excuses for sparring. “Sorry, I know you get on well with each other, he’s your friend, yadda-yadda… but he simply gets on my nerve and he even enjoys it.”

Actually, that’s exactly what Stone keeps telling about her too but I rather swallow my remark. When the guys arrived, I was about to wave them so that they came over but she almost broke my arm and categorically declared she couldn’t even bear the sight of him. I thought her liking the other guys could make her overcome her aversion but I was wrong.

“Karrie hasn’t allowed me yet to do anything with her soundboard during the gigs but she gives me smaller tasks at sound checks and encourages me to experiment with the setups… although I feel like I’m wasting everybody’s time and I’m just pushing buttons senselessly like a lab chimpanzee… I mean, the others tell me too if I don’t manage to do what they are asking me for but I also receive positive feedback from them when I’m accidentally doing something right. But Stone… he basically disagrees only for the sake of tension and he changes his mind in every two seconds… so even if I sometimes start feeling useful, he ruins this feeling with one single word or a smug face…” she goes on talking faster and faster, putting accent on every mentioning of Stone by beating her bottle against the table.

“I don’t want to desperate you but you’d better begin to prepare for new challenges… it’s already April, the season of outdoor gigs has just started… which means you can forget everything you’ve already learned because those are completely different than shows in smaller smoky clubs…” And they give Stone infinite number of variations for finding flaws and mistakes in her work but I keep this information for myself, seeing she’s stressed out enough even without that.

“Great. You really know how to soothe people, you know?” she remarks with a bitter half-smile. “And here we are…”

“What?” I ask and follow the direction of her look as she nods towards the guys who are now surrounded by a few girls, probably local bar beauties. “Oh, it’s nothing serious… it happens from time to time and I’m sure it’ll too more and more often. But they’re not interested in girls who are interested in rock stars.” I shrug.

“ ’Course. Not at all. Guys who are not interested in girls. Sure.”

“I’m serious, I mean, they don’t practice celibacy but neither of them is into hookups with fans.”

“That’s what I’ve heard too. And they do seem to be honest guys but who believes in fairy tales?” As we keep observing them, we witness the ladies settling down at their table and engaging into a lively conversation with them. “You see?” she comments on the scene but despite the victorious confirmation she’s right, I discover hints of other feelings on her face too… maybe… envy?

“Okay, you’re a little right. Dave is a huge flirt. He loves being surrounded by girls, complimenting them, chatting them up and apart from a few exceptions, that’s all.” I admit trying to direct the conversation to neutral fields since I suddenly realize what triggers her reaction. I’m a moron for catching on so slowly but better later than never… She obviously feels neglected by Jeff. They’ve just begun to hang out together, they’ve already had a sort-of-a-date… and now she thinks he’s lost interest in her. “But Jeff is a very loyal type, he’s like a brick wall with bimbos…” I put him on pedestal but she doesn’t seem convinced.

“Jesus, those typical, trivial girly tricks, I can’t believe he buys them.” she goes on as if she hadn’t even heard me.

“I… I wouldn’t think anyone of them is his type, I mean of course I didn’t know all of his exes but…” I babble effortlessly and my words finally reach her brain.

“What? Exes? Whose exes?” she tilts her head furrowing her eyebrows uncomprehendingly. Okay, that’s definitely not what I expected.

“Jeff’s..?” I ask back with the same helpless expression.

“Who the hell cares about Jeff?” she startles impatiently. What. The. Fuck. “I mean of course I care. About Jeff. And when I say “care” I mean “care”, like, we all care about him, right? We care about him since he’s our friend. We’re happy when he’s happy and we comfort him when he’s sad because he’s like our…”

“…brother?” I help her out since her version about the concept of care sounds more and more like the kindergarten edition of Oxford Dictionary.

“Uhmmm…” she hesitates and I’m sure she’s fast-backwarding all their interactions in her head, sorting out the potentially incestuous ones. “He’s a guy who doesn’t owe me anything.” she defines finally the situation.

Thanks, Judy, I feel a lot smarter now.

“Seriously, groping a guy’s hand??? Couldn’t she be cheaper?” she exclaims flailing outraged. As I follow her gaze, I spot a black-haired demon sitting next to Stone who’s playing with his fingers fliratiously.

“Stone??? Were you talking about him the whole time?”

“Of course, about whom else?” She rolls her eyes as if she was just explaining that one plus one is two.

“But you hate him…”

“Yup. I do.”

“Then why does it bother you?” I glance at the hand porn scene.

“It bothers me because he’s the only one of them who’s got a girlfriend and look how he’s behaving…”

“How is he behaving?”

“Are you blind, man? She’s flirting with him and he doesn’t stop her while that poor girl is waiting for him somewhere in Seattle…”

“Look, “poor girl” is the last thing I would say thinking about Amber… Anyway, you don’t even know him properly. He doesn’t encourage girls in whom he’s not interested but the fact he doesn’t take them seriously doesn’t mean he has to be rude with them either.” I defend my friend involuntarily.

“I get it, the only girl with whom he has to be rude is me.”

“What the hell does that have to do with you? And think what you want but I’m sure he’s not cheating on Amber, that girl in Utrecht was only a misunderstanding…”

Oh, fuck, I should have kept my mouth shut.

“THAT GIRL IN UTRECHT? I KNEW HE’S A WHORE!”

She’s probably trying to sound like an enraged lion but she rather reminds me of a furious kitten.

“It was just a stage diver girl… she climbed up on the stage, complimented his guitar play and asked him for a kiss… and since he only kissed her on the cheek, she stole a peck from his lips and then jumped back in the crowd, that’s all!”

Jesus, there’s no chance I get away with this.

“A peck on the lips, an orgy, what’s the difference?” she spits the words disgusted.

“He claimed she had been sweaty and smelled like cheap red wine, he shotgunned three cans of beer until he felt human again, I saw it with my own two eyes!” I lose my temper too and force her with my index and middle finger to keep eye contact with me. By this time we’re basically yelling with each other since the music got louder in the meantime and we have to outshout an evergreen disco hit of Donna Summer.

“Then be ready to spill bleach in those two eyes!” she points towards the guys and I can hardly believe what I see.

The three girls are already dancing in the middle of the bar and… Jeff, Stone and Dave… are joining them?

“Actually, Jeff is a better dancer than I thought, I would have assumed he moves like a bear… but he’s not bad at all…” Judy giggles surprised at our bassist who picked up the rhythm successfully by mixing basic disco dance steps with the moves of belly dancers. Meanwhile, Dave is swaying his hips back and forth keeping his two hands on the nape like a parody of male strippers. The girls appreciate them fooling around, apart from the black-haired one who’s too busy with activating Stone.

“But Stone… he seems to have left his dance shoes at home.” she acknowledges shaking her head with a half-smile. She’s basically reading my mind; he’s the only static feature of the scene, bobbing his head and tapping the beat with his foot, digging both hands in his pocket.

“Well, yeah… he doesn’t feel comfortable without his guitar. I remember them playing a gig in Stockholm when something went wrong with his Les Paul. He couldn’t fix it but his other guitar wasn’t tuned back… and it happened during the last song so it wouldn’t have made much sense to do it, I could have made it only by the end of it… So he put down the guitar but didn’t really know what to do, like you just don’t start to dance to Leash but standing on the stage like statue while the others are playing out of their minds looks also lame… So he tried to move to the music but to be honest, I thought he was getting an epilepsy attack…”

“Hahaha! Truly, he doesn’t seem to be familiar we the concept of dance at all…” she giggles staring at him, while he’s still standing at the same spot as if he was pinned to the ground. Only his bobbing gets more intense as the black-haired girl begins to dance him around with seductive hip circles.

“Maybe we should hang a guitar on his shoulders to make him bounce on one leg at least, as he does it at the gigs… WHOA! This so disgusting and vulgar! Look, how much he enjoys it!”

“How much?” I roar back since apart from the repeating hair flips and the constant smirk, the girl doesn’t receive much feedback from our Stoney. But for some unknown reason, Judy seems to be watching a different movie than me.

“He’s basically drooling…”

“Why? Because he’s smiling? Come on…”

In the meantime he’s forced to make a few almost dance moves in order to keep his balance since his partner decided to stimulate him by rubbing her back to his… which drives Judy completely out of control.

“GET A ROOM!” she jumps to her feet kicking her chair back. “I have to pee.” she announces with a sudden and suspicious nonchalance to compensate her outburst. But after making a few steps towards the restrooms, she turns back as if she realized she forgot to mention something. “To be exact, I also consider puking.” she adds sending a last icy look towards the target of her anger before she leaves with indignant gasps.

***

I still hate public toilets, especially those of bars. The compartments are narrow and dirty, and the bolt is mostly just a decoration without any useful purpose. Just like here. I have to hold onto the door handle, balance over the toilet bowl and try not to bang my head against the door at the same time; of course the seat is missing, not that I’d ever sit on it at a place like this one. At least I can tell I’ve done something for my abs today… Everything resonates to the pulsing rhythm of Hot Stuff; the song that have always landed on the record player whenever Effie or I or both of us have wanted to dance some shit out of ourselves… until now. It’s like it’s got stolen from me, it’s my song, it’s our song, and now they’ve desecrated it. I can’t imagine I could ever dance to it again without seeing that pathetic mating ritual in front of myself. At least the usual obscene drawings and messages on the wall distract me from playing that scene over and over again in my head. I’ve always enjoyed examining the scribbles in restrooms…. The only thing I can’t figure out is the huge amount of phone numbers, what’s the point in writing them on the toilet wall? Has anyone ever called a phone number found here? And if the answer is yes, what might the caller have said? “Hey, I saw your number at the loo while I was pooping and I immediately liked it so would you go out with me?”

Shit, that distasteful squeezing… I haven’t put much past him, anyway but somehow I thought he’s a more thoughtful guy, I mean, he’s a fuckin’ idiot but him being only a stupid fuckboy kind of surprised me. Whatever, it’s not my business. His girlfriend will be certainly happy for the “little gift” he will bring home for her, if he goes on like this…

I’m already with one leg out of the compartment when I hear the door of the room opening and the loud giggle of female voices makes me startle and pull back to cover.

“Oh my God, I still can’t believe we encountered them right here, right now!” a high-pitched voice peeps. It reminds me of the sound of a rubber chicken.

“Yes, I thought they stayed at fancy hotels and went to party to exclusive bars… and yet, they show up in our boring little town… and they are so nice guys!” someone else joins the gushing.

“Oh my God, Dave is so funny!” Rubber Chicken chirps.

Great. I’ve got trapped by the cheerleader group.

“Yes, he is… but I like Jeff the most… he’s got a good sense of humor too but he seems to be a serious guy at the same time… did you hear him mentioning he’s a painter too? Artists are very sensitive people… and Jeff alliterates with Jordan…” the speaking partner of Rubber Chicken adds sighing. “And Stone is a very handsome guy too but I don’t understand all of his jokes…”

You don’t even know how lucky you are, my child…

“That’s not a huge problem, since you won’t talk much with him, he’s mine.” a deeper, confident voice puts an end to the distribution of testosterone. She must be the Alpha Female who wrapped herself around Stone. Jesus, I don’t want to listen to them raping the guys verbally… I take a deep breath and walk out to the sinks… or I’d walk there if they weren’t blocked by the Three Graces who are very busy with fixing their makeup.

“Ahem… sorry…” I clear my throat because my silhouette showing up behind them in the mirror doesn’t really bother them in the process.

“Oh, I’m ready, come…” the admirer of Jeff turns back and sends a smile at me. She seems to be a kind girl, anyway. Alpha Female is still rubbing her eyelids, trying to remove the dark spots of superfluous mascara, while Rubber Chicken is following the procedure with undisguised wonder.

I squint in the mirror as I clean my hands under the running water. Alpha Female is tall, like, very tall, I look like a garden gnome next to her. Her skin is pale, even paler than mine but she’s not afraid to wear dark, smoky eye shadow and fiery lipstick. How do these girls do it? Every time I try to do something with my face, I feel and look like a five-year-old little girl who stole the content from her mom’s drawer. Even the tiniest change seems to be conspicuous and makes me want to tear my skin off… but she looks just gorgeous. It’s not fair.

“Oh my God, Claudia, that rouge looks so beautiful on you!” Rubber Chicken purrs.

So her name is Claudia. Why does that make me think of chlamydia?

“It’s beautiful and very functional.” Alpha winks as she pulls out the item in question of her purse to thicken her juicy-looking lips. “Water- and kissproof.”

Yeah, beautiful. Lipstick on a pig.

“Whadh?” Alpha freezes with slightly opened mouth.

Shit, did I say it out loud?

“Noothing… I just… sneezed…”

“Aha… hey… I shaw you adh dhe dhable widh dhadh dhudhe…”

“Really?” I ask back to win some time to decode the message behind her sloppy articulation.

“Yeah… Jeff said you’re with them too.” Alpha talks on to her own reflection before pressing her lips together for the sake of even texture. “Are you someone’s sister?”

Our eyes meet it the mirror.

“Oh yeah, I am, just like the massive majority of the female population of Earth.” I mumble as I tear a piece of paper towel.

“I mean, the sister of someone in the band or the crew, smarty-pants.” she rolls her eyes.

Oh. So we’re having a chitchat. As always, I start feeling uncomfortably of watching myself too long in the mirror so I begin to check my hair, even if it makes absolutely no sense since I braided it as tight as possible in the morning, my braids could survive even the shock wave of a nuclear explosion.

“I’m in the crew. As a member.”

Okay, I’m only the second cousin of a crew member but I doubt she would understand that degree of family relationships.

“Then you must know Stone very well.”

I know him better than I wanted to…

“Uh… yes, I kinda know him.”

“Ish he shingle?” Alpha inquires still finding tiny flaws in the artwork she’s creating.

“No, he’s got a girlfriend.” I answer quickly. “It’s a serious thing… I mean, as far as I know.”

Okay, I don’t know shit about his love life but he’s been touring for months and they are still together so it can’t be just a fling, I didn’t lie.

“Is she here too?” she turns suddenly towards me, drawing a circle with her index finger in the air.

“Oh no… no… she’s ahem, in Seattle.”

“Hahaha, then he’s single.”

Okay, I can’t really argue with this attitude properly.

“And what is he like? What type of girls he digs?” my interrogation goes on.

Should I say deaf-and-dumbs?

“Uhm… he’s an aloof weirdo so honestly, I have no idea.”

He’s the most distant member of the band and sometimes he does have an alien-like manner, so this time I didn’t lie either…

“You mean he’s shy?”

Jesus, if that’s the equivalent of “aloof weirdo” in your poor dictionary then yes, he’s shy, whatever…

“Sort of…”

“We can fix that, shyness is no problem to me… Yes, the lanky one is mine.” she smacks satisfied at her mirror image, examining the result with a content smirk.

“Do you have further questions or may I…?” I point with my thumb towards the door.

“I know everything what I need. Thanks, Peanut!”

Peanut? PEANUT??? My head is pounding as I escape back to the bar. It takes me long seconds to spot that Scully relocated to the table of the band members, he’s the only one there right now, though, since the others are standing at the counter to provide the supplies.

“Hey, what’s that?” I ask pointing at the shot glass in front of him as I plop down.

“It’s tequila but it’s mi…ne.” he waves resigned since I grab and guzzle it in the blink of an eye.

“Sorry, I needed it.” I shiver and frown. I’ve realized again that I hate tequila but it seemed like a good idea. “I met them in the restroom.”

“Whom?”

“The Slut Squad. They’re about to hunt the guys down.”

“So what? I think you’re overreacting, anyway, they are big boys and already know how to take care of themselves…”

I doubt it… The trio joins the guys and now they don’t even try to hide the official result of the sharing. Rubber Chicken and Jordan at least show some self-restraint but Claudia shifts to next gear, or maybe she even skips a few one since she laughs hysterically at every comment of Stone and tries to mesmerize him by staring at him with an irresistible smile And obviously, she uses every imaginable excuse to touch him. The guys offer their drinks gallantly to their temptresses who are now heading to us with awkward snickering. Of course Claude didn’t forget to stroke Stone’s upper arm to express her gratitude for the beer…

“Shit, they are coming… act naturally!” I nudge Scully.

“I act naturally, it’s you who’s turned into a rabid squirrel…” he grunts back.

“Shh… HI GIRLS!” I greet them hoping my voice doesn’t sound too fake and try to ignore that I can see Scully burying his face into his palms from the corner of my eye.

“Hi Peanut… and…?”

“Scully. Guitar tech.” he waves still keeping the facepalm with one hand.

“Oh my God, I love guitars!” Rubber Chicken exclaims.

“I used to love them too. But if you tune them so many times in a day that you start dreaming about them, taste changes fast, trust me. Nowadays I’m rather into trumpets.” he adds with a serious face.

“Oh… really?”

Poor Rubber Chicken, she’s obviously too slow to follow the usual pace of our conversations.

“Flea from Red Hot Chili Peppers plays the trumpet too…” Jordan remarks.

“You’re right, have you heard their latest album? It’s…” I greedily seize the first reasonable topic they throw in but Claudia insists on discussing her project.

“He seems to have taken the bait. Dear God, he’s so sexy, I can’t handle…” she moans.

“And he’s got a first-class butt…” Scully sighs dreamily, which makes me bite my lips to suppress the laughter developing in my chest.

“Don’t torture me… do you think he likes me?”

Yes, I was thinking the same about the quitting of torture, you’re monomania is pure torment to us. But how can she ignore the fact so shamelessly that he’s not independent? Not available, forbidden fruit, taboo…

“As I said he’s got a…” I’m about to remind her of the relationship status of her victim but I realize it wouldn’t make any sense. I fell into the trap of thinking her mindset is similar to mine… motivation! That’s the key, in crime series, police officers always catch the murderer only after finding out about their motivations… And her motivation is… sex, of course. “…a charm. He’s so sweet, right? A real cutie pie!” I groan with the most plastic smile I can put on. Scully freezes for a second, and then almost chokes on his beer, probably thinking I’m losing my mind, but I’ve never been saner.

“Sorry, it’s just my reflux.” he hits himself in the chest with his fist.

“Look at his smile! And his laughter…”

“Yeah, his laughter, exactly…” that is as pleasant to hear as a chalkboard scratching “It’s such a pity for him…”

“How do you mean?” she jumps immediately on my remark.

I take a deep breath. If I go on, there’ll be no way back… and I should think about the consequences… But seriously, Judith Emilia Camden, just think back how he’s treated you since you met! You’re not his doormat. He deserves it, he’d deserve even much more. As I glance at him only to see his smug grin, I already know there’s no point in hesitating, I know what to do.

“I mean such a nice guy… but with his preferences, it’s so difficult for him to find the right girl…” I pretend concern.

“His preferences? What preferences?”

Maybe it’s the anger, maybe it’s the tequila but as I go on, my tongue gets totally out of control…

[shewantedtobeasecretgirl]

6. This means war a. k. a. a butcher knife, an interrogation and a battlefield (Part Two)

“Okay, guys don’t forget the rules!” Eric turns back to us entering the bar. “No nudity!” he takes a meaningful look at Mike who glances around whistling and pretends not to understand what Eric refers to.

“What?” Judy whispers with a terrified expression.

“Haha, I’ll explain it later.” I lean to her ears and the smell of her hair makes me feel dizzy immediately.

“And Stone, please don’t talk to strangers otherwise we all die here…”

“Seriously, why? I think I’m cool. Mankind isn’t intellectually developed enough to understand my humor…”

“Oh yeah, maybe after the extinction of human species you’ll be able to make a career as a stand-up comedian…” Judy remarks cracking me and the other members of the company around her up.

“What? What’s so funny?” Stone inquires impatiently. He’s obviously not used to the role of the target; usually it is him who makes fun of the others.

“Nothing. I was just worrying about the future of mankind.” Judy deadpans causing more cackle around her and a perceptible blush on Stone’s cheeks.

I head straight for the pool tables with Stone and Dave while Mike and our roads choose to explore the pinball machines. Eddie, Beth and Karrie decide to order our drinks at the counter and the only one left at the door is Judy. She’s turning her head helplessly hesitating who to join.

“Hey Judy, do you want to play?” I call her pointing at her with the pool cue.

“I… I can’t play, I’ve only tried two or three times in my life and I always sucked…” she explains making a few insecure steps in our direction.

“Then we shouldn’t force her. So let’s play!” Stone grabs the other cue with a quick move and turns his back on her.

“But if she played we could form two teams and play against each other. Judy, it is high time you practiced!” Dave argues.

“I like the idea. Judy, you’re with me, I’ll explain the rules to you and help with the moves.” I volunteer to have an excuse for staying next to her as long as possible.

“The main goal of the game is to hit the white ball into any of the holes…” Stone grins in front of himself while chalking the tip of his cue stick. I should have known that… he won’t leave her alone until he manages to rile her up.

“Oh, yeah, thanks for considering me a stupid caveman but I have some faint ideas about the rules...“ she rolls her eyes and folds her arms. I’ve already observed this defensive reaction of hers; feeling danger she immediately pulls back into her shell. I have to work against that because it doesn’t fit my plan.

“Birds of a feather flock together…” Stone mutters. What a douche… Judy can’t know that calling me a caveman is Stone’s favorite habit to emphasize his assumed intellectual superiority to me. Or to anyone else.

“Okay, Judy, the first turn is yours…” I rather focus on my project handing her the stick. And I have to admit she was right about her abilities… She hits the white ball only for the third attempt and due to her effortless strike it misses every other one in its surrounding.

“That’ll be a looong game… If I had known that I would have brought dry food and fluids enough for three days. And a sleeping bag.” Stone comments Judy’s performance, which probably doesn’t help her collecting some confidence for the next round but I see a strange fire in her look, this time she doesn’t seem to be bothered by Stone’s usual show.

“Stone, if you shut up at least for a few seconds you could notice that I’m ensuring our winning position…“ Dave warns him and targets the plain blue ball.

“I support you spiritually, can you feel my mental power radiating on you?” Stone smirks.

“Yes, unfortunately I can…” Dave rights himself after his first fault.

“I knew you would be good together.” I take the cue from Judy and lean on the table. Fuck, my hands are sweating; I chose the wrong game… “Ah, shit.” My hand slips so Stone gets a chance to support their team in a physical way too. He plays well, I must admit, he’s maybe the best player of us. It’s forgivable since in exchange for that he’s the clumsiest at any other sports.

“Look, Judith, this is how big boys do it…” Stone winks at her between two hits. I don’t like that wink. I want to be the only one who’s entitled to wink at her. Judy watches him playing with a disappointed grimace and I use the occasion to throw one arm around her shoulder and stroke her upper arm to comfort her. To my biggest surprise in the next moment Stone doesn’t manage to strike the ball, which I don’t really understand as he wasn’t disturbed by anyone or anything… But who cares, at least we have one more chance to win. Judy prepares for her round awkwardly measuring the angles and distances and I can’t help taking advantage of the situation.

“Okay, Judy, I think you should focus on that one, over there…” I lean close to her and carefully direct her arm in the right direction. Can I feel goosebumps on her skin? Yes, hell, she…

Stone interrupts my silent joy with a loud yawn checking theatrically his wristwatch. Judy reacts with a start moving away from the direction in which I positioned her and hits the white ball in the corner hole opposite us. I slap myself mentally for forgetting about her extremely wide personal space… In the meantime Dave finishes the game with a few perfect hits; he digs into his pocket for his cigarette and high-fives with Stone using his other hand.

“May I?” Stone points at the package. To Dave’s nodding he helps himself and sticks the cigarette into his mouth.

“Does he smoke?” Judy asks half-whispering leaning closer to my ears with a disgusted and almost disappointed frown. I can’t figure out why she’s so surprised at Stone’s smoking habits but I don’t really care since I don’t smoke, maybe that can be a pro if smoking is a turnoff for her…

“Not really… only occasionally… you know… when he’s nervous or stressed out or when he has problems… or when he just wants to play the cool guy.”

“I don’t understand.” Judy furrows her eyebrows.

“You know, he’s a social and stress smoker, he just shows off with it.” I explain but I doubt this whole topic deserves so much explanation.

“That’s what I don’t understand. You said he smoked occasionally… but based on everything you’ve just listed he should be a chainsmoker, huh?” she grins at me and in the next second we both giggle and I really enjoy the fact that neither Dave and Stone nor the others arriving back from the counter know why we’re choking. She has been so much more outgoing and talkative today, she talked at the party more than in the last three days in all and I can only hope it has something to do with me too. And I really like that change in her behavior and maybe that’s a sign… I mean… I have nothing to lose… yes, I’m going to make the first step. Hell, I’m going to do that.

***

“So that’s all what you have to know about Mike’s nudist tendencies.” Jeff finishes the story about Mike’s disastrous striptease in Rotterdam and at a few afterparties.

“Uh, it’s a lucky coincidence that I’ve just finished my beer. My brain cells responsible for visual imagination are screaming for mercy, I don’t know how they would react without some alcohol.” I rub my forehead. I can already feel the mild dizziness which usually strikes after having had my second beer, I should slow down before I start talking bullshit… I must be grinning like an idiot… I don’t want to end up in sleeping on his shoulder; he would probably misunderstand my habit of using anyone next to me as a pillow at the peak of my tipsiness. It’s quite awkward but at least falling asleep prevents me from getting totally wasted which has never happened to me, anyway… Although I wish it had happened, maybe it would have helped in certain situations.

We’re sitting in a box with Karrie, Dave is playing a next pool game with Mike against Brett and Scully while Smitty and Eric are analyzing their performance impersonating television commenters. I don’t know where Eddie, Beth and our fuckin’ joker are hiding but at least I have some rest, I’ve heard enough of his asshole remarks this evening. Despite having smoked weed he doesn’t really seem to be high, maybe he snickers more often at his own jokes than usual although it’s something that’s hard to escalate.

“Hey, Judy Camden!” I hear Eddie calling me in his irresistible voice the second time this evening. I turn my head around and glance them finally at a foosball table in the corner. Foosball… I have a soft spot for it, although the last time I played was ages ago. “Judy Camden! We need one more player so would you move your aaaaaah… ahem, Beth there’s no need to kick me to death, so Judy, would you move your… graceful legs?”

Foosball… but spending more time with that cretin than inevitably necessary? Foosball… that insufferable, caustic piece of garbage… Foosball… Foosball… Foosball… Maybe I could show what I can…

“I’m coming!” I chirp and try to moderate myself not to run to them. On arriving I notice that Eddie and Beth are standing next to each other on the same side of the table and the vacant position is the one beside Stone.

“I want to be with Beth.” I decline dipping my hands in my pockets.

“A girls versus boys match? Uh… Are you sure?” Eddie furrows his eyebrows with that typical, curious expression including those heart-shaped lips, shit, could you just stop, Edward?

“I’m just saying: playing against me equals instant and humiliating defeat.” Stone rubs his hands against each other and starts to spin the sticks in front of him back and forth as warm-up.

“Same for me playing with you. Or do you think that being busy with crafting ideas how to cut the throat of your teammate is a safe winning strategy?” I ask still waiting for Ed leaving Beth’s side.

“That makes sense…” Stone admits scratching his chin.

“What’s more, these two have been together for eight…”

“Nine…” they correct me simultaneously.

“…nine years, separating them would only increase our chances.” I throw in my final argument.

“You mean my chances.” Stone corrects me.

“Stone, you shouldn’t be overconfident, you haven’t…”

“Come on, Ed, I’ve seen her playing pool. And foosball tables don’t belong to the usual equipment of convents, I guess…”

I decide not to answer and luckily neither Beth nor Eddie wants to react to his umpteenth, farfetched joke about my assumed relation to the Catholic Church.

“Let’s play finally, girlpower, woohoo!” Beth screams and pushes Eddie away with her hip signaling he should join the opposite team. Judging from her behavior she’s already quite far from soberness and probably she won’t be the most cooperative and useful teammate of all times but if I manage to follow my plan that won’t be a huge problem.

As all of us take our places Beth drops the ball on the table. It lands right at my midfield row so it takes me only one move to shot it right in the goal of the opposite team before Stone and his goalkeeper foosman could realize we’re already playing.

“Eheh… beginners’ luck… I’m a foosball virgin.” I snicker putting accent on the last word and pull the plastic cube towards me, signaling our first score.

“What was that pathetic, fake throw-in? Beth, at least try to pretend not to be cheating…” Stone complains.

It’s Eddie’s turn to throw the ball onto the table. Beth’s foosman passes the ball to mine and I dribble it a few times back and forth between my rows before shooting it into the hole right next to the paralyzed goalkeeper of Stone. Beth and I high-five while Stone is checking his sticks; obviously he can’t believe that everything works fine apart from his reflexes.

“Okay, Ed, get your shit together before it’s too late!” he commands to the perplexed Eddie.

“What the fuck are you talking about? The ball hasn’t even got to my side…”

“That’s exactly the problem, Ed.”

“And whose fault is that, smartass?”

Failure generated internal conflict. Perfect… Due to my turn at throw-in I can only use my left hand, which makes me lose the ball; encouraged by his sudden chance Stone tries to perform some tricks with it but being overly excited he manages to spin his defense row in the wrong direction hitting the ball. Own goal. Instant and humiliating defeat for whom? Beth and I burst out in a loud scream.

“Three-zero. I’ve got my shit together, what about yours?” Ed asks reproachfully but his voice is barely to hear over our cheering. It’s so much easier than I thought.

“What’s the matter? I can only hear that these two women are fuckin’ loud.” Mike cranes his neck behind me to see the result.

“Nothing particular, Judy is just wiping the floor with us.” Eddie tries to answer and defend their goal from Beth’s attack at the same time.

“And what about me?” Beth asks feistily and shots goal in the moment she utters “me”.

“Nice shot, teammate!” I exclaim and reach out my arm to high-five with her again.

“Time-out, I have to fix my hair.” Stone declares forming a “T” letter with his hands.

“Oh, hair crisis? ‘Course, I totally understand it, that’s the worst.” I pretend sympathy and Beth chokes on her beer, probably of mere sympathy as well.

He tears the scrunchie out of his half-ponytail with a nervous move and holds it between his lips while putting his hair up in the same style again. I have to admit he’s quite fortunate as for his hair, thick, dark brown, with hints of natural curls…

“But Stone, now you look exactly the same as before…” Mike remarks innocently but seeing Stone’s cold gaze his voice gets more and more silent and he finishes the sentence basically only mouthing.

“Good look restored?” I ask with an amused smile but somehow Stone doesn’t seem to appreciate my attentiveness.

“Too much talk.” he throws in the ball.

“Are you sure you don’t need more time? I would tolerate it, after all, we shot four goals whereas you…” I try to chat while our foosmen are battling for the ball.

„Come on then.”

„What?”

„Have at you!” Wait, the Black Knight?

„You are indeed brave, Sir knight, but the fight is mine.” I cite the next sentence of the classic scene of Monty Python’s Holy Grail to check if my guess was right.

„Oh, had enough, eh?” Bingo, the Black Knight. Spinal Tap a few days ago, now this… At least the guy has a taste as for comedies.

„Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left.” I go on catching the ball. This time I decide to torture him longer before the next strike; I spin the stick slowly and carefully to lift the ball balancing it on one of my foosmen.

“If you hit the goal I’m going to dress up as Liberace at Halloween, I swear…” Mike mutters.

“You can start searching for accessories, Mike.” I wink at him and spin on the stick a bit to reach the perfect angle; after finding it I drop the ball with a quick move over Stone’s defender foosmen right into the goal.

“That can’t be true.” he lets the sticks go with an effortless moan and reaches for his beer mechanically, not even glancing at the glass.

“This is my best birthday ever!” Mike punches in the air. “Hey, guys, you won’t believe what happened…” I hear him yelling excitedly as he runs back to the pool table.

“Uhm… do you want to continue defeating me instantly, in a humiliating way or can we finish the match at this point?” I flash a dark grin at my perished opponent.

“We can finish… or… whatever…” His look is definitely darker than my grin; he doesn’t even say a word to Eddie before leaving for the boxes.

“He’s pouting, but don’t worry, it won’t last long. Actually, I didn’t know either he could be so… uhm… competitive…” Eddie explains while we’re following Stone.

“But maybe he finallllly ack… acknow…ledges your abbbilllities…” Beth adds hiccupping.

As we reach the box I slip onto the seat taking place opposite Stone who blatantly avoids any form of communication with us. Beth drops herself next to me and grabs immediately the drink menu.

“Look Eddie, they have cock…tails… haha, get it, I invented a new joke… cock tail-cocktail! Oh… If I had known that… I want a cocktail…”

“Babe, you shouldn’t… you’ve drunken enough today…” Ed strokes her hair tucking a few unruly strands with gentles moves behind her ear . Lucky girl…

“Just one cocktail…”she nuzzles to his stomach.

“Beth…”

“Please…”

“Okay then... But only one cocktail, I choose and if you look sick I’m going to drink it.” he sighs glancing at the ceiling.

“I wanna drink something with llllime… lllime isss sooo good…” she clings to Eddie and they start walking slowly towards the counter. What? Eddie… hey Eddie… you can’t leave me here with this unbearable, cocky, assertive bastard… Eddie… please turn back… I don’t want to act desperate and flee from him but I don’t have any clue how I could spend these impossibly long minutes in his company either … long minutes because time seems to slow down, so much time has passed since they left but they haven’t even reached the counter… And I got stuck here… Yes I'm stuck in the middle with you and I'm wondering what it is I should do… Fuckin’ earworm… Great…

***

“Hi guys!” I plop down next to Judy.

“Hi!” Judy sighs.

“Hmmk…” Stone mumbles, I can only guess it’s his brand new welcome ritual since he keeps his look on his beer glass. I steel a glance at Judy to see she’s studying the menu intensely and then I peep back at Stone who still seems to be totally lost in his beer tag.

“Oh, that’s a good one, I myself have read it multiple times too…” I joke trying to ease the tense, pointing and nodding at the glass since the silence starts getting uncomfortable.

“Oh, I can imagine, you have a whole fucking library at home…” Stone remarks bored and I hear a quiet sneeze or snicker from the direction of Judy, I can’t decide which one and if it was a snicker I can’t decide either which of us made her laugh. They both fall silent again and their eyes keep demonstratively avoiding each other.

“Seriously, what’s up, chatterboxes?” I make a second attempt to start a conversation but the spleenish vibe around them makes me feel like a bull in a china shop.

“Actually, we tried to chat, y’know, but we gave it up, we couldn’t help cutting each other off.” Judy shrugs still gazing the menu and as I peer at Stone again I would swear I catch a little twitch on the corner of his mouth, maybe a smile? I’ll never figure it out since it disappears in a blink.

“How come you haven’t mentioned until now what a great foosball player you are?” I keep talking to avert the awkward silence; they’re still not willing to acknowledge each other’s presence.

“It’s Cheap Trick’s fault.” Judy remarks shrugging casually again.

“Cheap Trick? I love them and I’m convinced they’re omnipotent but what do they have to do with your foosball talent?”

“My sister… Effie… she loves them too. But they didn’t really come to our area and Effie was dying to see them live...”

“I can totally relate to her, I spent my teenage years completely Cheap Trickless too…” I nod agreeing.

“When she was fourteen or fifteen she decided to follow them wherever they play and they were playing in Wisconsin, y’know, basically at the other end of the country. One day she stormed into my room in tears, claiming Mom and Dad didn’t allow her the journey even with me. Because I have to mention she dragged my name into the discussion without asking me, as always…”

“Poor girl…” I shake my head.

“The poor girl was weeping to me for days before cautiously dosing me the idea of running away for a few days to see them. She planned everything, she wanted to use Karrie as an alibi telling we travel to visit her in her home in Sacramento.” she explains.

“And did you really sneak out? Did you attend the Cheap Trick gig?” I interrogate her excitedly.

“We did. I mean, we did follow them, we did see Cheap Trick and they were awesome…” she confirms but it’s obvious that there must be a twist in the story.

“…but? I can feel there was a “but” in that constellation.”

“But by the time we got back home our parents had already been out of their mind…”

“Ouch. Did they find it out?”

“Yes. Since poor Karrie called them and asked them about us innocently…”

“Nooo… did she forget…?” I gasp shocked.

“Hahaha, no, she’s one of the best allies in the world. She didn’t even know about her being our alibi. Effie was so busy with the execution of her plan that she forgot to inform the involved people…”

“I would lie if I said that has never happened to me…” I wrinkle my nose. “That was some story but I still don’t know the reason of your exceptional foosball skills.” I drum with my fingers on the table.

“After the case we got sentenced to a two week-long house arrest and household chore session. I mean not for running away to the show but for not being honest to our parents. I didn’t really care about the punishment since going nowhere and enjoying my own company was my favorite spare time activity at that time but Effie was inconsolable. Our main task was to clean up the cellar, to sort our old stuffs for the next garage sale, you know, all those usual things. But on the very first day we found Dad’s old foosball table of which existence we hadn’t even known. You can imagine how efficiently we worked after that discovery…”

“So I assume you didn’t manage to clean up the cellar but became professional foosball players…”

“Sort of. But do you know what’s the funniest in the story?” She goes on seeing that I shake my head. “Effie didn’t even ask our parents if they’d let us travel to Wisconsin. Effie just decided they wouldn’t allow it anyway; and probably she also wanted to get into an exciting adventure she could tell later to her grandchildren in the rest of her life…” she sums up fidgeting with the ashtray.

“I can only repeat, I agree with her… I mean… we only live once, life is short, carpe diem and imagine here at least three further clichés about living for the moment, but they make sense, if you hesitate too much one day you’ll realize life ran past you.”

“Oh, philosophical moments with ‘Cready? The spiritual side of the lead guitarist?” she giggles.

“The ironical side of the future monitor engineer?” I fire back. “But it was a good story, thanks for sharing it, I’d be glad if I could met your sister one day, as you described her she seems like a very interesting personality…”

“You know what’s interesting, Mike?” Stone suddenly joins the conversation with a rhetoric question and something in his voice tells me that the peaceful part of this chat is over. “That there are people who haven’t even heard about modesty and make the others around them admire their abilities even if they are totally average after all.” he goes on. I knew he was up to something, Stone never listens to anyone speechless for so long time without any specific reason.

“Mike, have I mentioned to you which personality type I hate the most?” Judy turns with an inquiring expression to me. “I think of those people who criticize the others all the time but don’t even realize they’re actually talking about themselves. Wait, no, I hate more those stuck-up poseurs who are always showing off displaying their actual or imagined skills but in the moment someone is better than them they start pouting like a three-year-old and don’t even try to bear their fiasco with dignity!” I duck my head as if their words could physically hit me. Oh man, that’s tough. My grandpa used to tell me stories about his experiences at the European front line during World War II but I never listened to him properly. I should have done so because I feel as if I was standing in the middle of a battlefield and grenades and cannon balls were whizzing around me.

“And what about those people who use their family ties to achieve something and then play the innocent lamb when someone confronts them with the truth?” Stone keeps firing but he’s still looking at me as if he was addressing me with his pretended question.

“Imagine, Mike, there are even fuckin’ psychos who attack other people in their beds and talk shit about them behind their back!” Judy is already yelling and beats against the table with her fist while saying “back”.

“You see, Mike, the chick talks to stuffed animals and licks knives but I’m the psycho, excellent, congrats…” Stone claps his hands mockingly a few times.

“That’s enough, I’m not willing to listen to this bullshit any longer!” Judy fumes and basically kicks me out of the seat to get a free way. But Stone is faster, by the time she reaches the corner of the box he slips out with a quick move and jumps in front of her making her start back. The guy has a sense of dramaturgy; the picture of the tiny Judy gasping furiously with clenched fists and his smirking down at her taking advantage of his lanky figure reminds me of those cartoon scenes where the amused Tom is torturing the raging Jerry a bit before throwing him onto a pan.

“You know what, Stone? Let’s clear a few things, okay? A: I’m not catholic, I’m not even baptized. B: The vocational school of substitute music teachers I attended was actually Juilliard, for your information. And C: for two years, two months and fourteen days I haven’t been daddy’s little girl anymore, however much I want to be. Do you want to insult me? Fine. But please do me a favor and at least try to do the job properly by getting to know me at first because your random attempts are nothing but pathetic.” she spits scornfully and leaves declaring the debate is over. Stone doesn’t turn after her, only his smug grin grows a little bit wider.

“Challenge accepted.” he clicks satisfied with his tongue.

[shewantedtobeasecretgirl]

4. Like a virgin a.k.a. zodiac signs, phone calls and the ways of assholeness

„Jeff, what do you think about this chord change?” I strum a few chords on my acoustic guitar. I’m working on a new idea but I feel somehow stuck, the parts won’t fit each other although I can already hear in my head that they belong together. I really appreciate Jeff’s songwriting skills; we basically crafted the musical part of Ten together so I often rely on his advice.

“Sounds cool…”

He looks distracted; his thoughts must be somewhere else.

“What do you think about Judy?” he asks out of the blue. Bingo…

“She’s a very nice girl.” Mike glances around from the magazine he’s reading.

“Yeah, she’s cute.” Dave agrees dropping a chewing gum into his mouth.

We’re sitting around the table of the tour bus. The drivers needed a break so we have an hour before setting off again. I feel in my legs that I should take a walk but this new maybe-song doesn’t leave me alone tickling my hands to finish it.

“So I thought I could connect the bridge with the last chorus somehow this way…” I play the same chords again.

“I like this version better” Jeff remarks still staring with glazed eyes.

“Because it was exactly the same as the previous one!” I roll my eyes impatiently.

“We should do something together with her to help her get integrated into the team.” I could have thought; he didn’t even hear what I played…

“Since when has that chick been our only topic?” I start drumming with my fingers on the guitar.

“Stone, what’s wrong with you? She’s already in the crew, even if you’re not willing to communicate with her.” Mike frowns at me.

“Should I perform a dance of joy? You know my opinion; I won’t pretend to be happy about her. But I don’t want to be a real jerk with her either so I rather avoid communication…”

“Speaking of dance, I would be interested in that performance, I’ve never seen you dancing unless we consider your awkward choreography in Stockholm a dance!” Mike grins.

“And you never will, not in this lifetime, ‘Cready. As for Stockholm, it was an emergency situation, my guitar got fucked up, should I have stand there like a puppet?” I hiss between my teeth.

“Maybe it would have been better for mankind… Seriously Stone, what’s you problem with her? Okay, maybe she’s too shy but she seems lovely and if we got to know each other better…”

“On one hand, she hasn’t shown anything from her professional skills. If she screwed something up while we’re playing a gig, her loveliness would be a screen door on a submarine. One the other hand, she’s no big deal. Karrie talked about a smart, funny girl so I expected someone cooler, not someone who dresses like a nun, behaves like a nun and can’t form complete sentences. If she was a babe at least…”

“Hey, she can form sentences!” Jeff defends her not noticing how ridiculously his objection sounds.

“Seriously, I’d bet she’s still a virgin!” I announce the verdict. And in this moment a short figure appears from the hallway of the bus.

“Hi guys!” Speak of the devil…

“Hi Judy!” my bandmates greet her in unison.

“Good morning, Judith!” I add with the most plastic smile I can flash. She raises an eyebrow but her usual expression – a special mixture of indifference and boredom – doesn’t change.

“Karrie sent me…” she starts. Does she really think that she needs an explanation to enter our bus? Unbelievable… “She needs bandage on her knee but she can’t find her own one in her bag, Jeff, could you lend yours?”

“Sure! I have to look for it at first but I’ll take it to her, just a few minutes, okay?” Jeff immediately becomes more animated. That’s interesting…  

“What’s that smell? Is someone hiding a bar here?” she sniffles grimacing. I glance at Mike for a second who stares at her and then at me as if he had seen a ghost. I try to hold back a grin and look back at him with a deadpan.

“Songwriting in progress?” her eyes wander curiously at my guitar. I should rather finish the song instead of having this chit-chat…

“No, I’m just stroking my guitar, it gets jealous if I don’t touch it regularly. Actually, we were talking right about you!” I glance around and enjoy the frightened faces of the others. Let the show begin! “We were wondering if you were a vir…”

“A Virgo!” Mike cuts in unnecessarily loudly.

“Ehhe, ehhe, eeeeehhhhe!” Dave begins to cough intensively at the same time; maybe he swallowed his chewing gum…

“Ouch!” Jeff exclaims joining the cacophony.

“Or Pisces?” Mike asks innocently.

“I choked on my own drool.” Dave shrugs smiling.

“I banged my elbow against the table.” Jeff rubs his elbow with an exaggeratedly painful hiss.

“I don’t believe in astrology…“ she glares us suspiciously. At least she’s not a freaky new age chick… “But I’d better go back to Karrie before my bad karma leads to more disasters…” she adds ironically and turns on her heels. Jeff leans back and follows her with his eyes and in the second she’s left the bus he attacks me.

“Are you a fuckin’ idiot? How could you ask such…”

“Calm down Jeffrey, just for the record, I only wanted to ask her if she was a virtuous girl!” I beam at him flashing all my teeth.

“Oh fuck, Stone, I almost got a heart attack!” Mike presses his hands onto his chest. “We should make her somehow forget this scene before she thinks that we’re psychos who happen to be taking part in a music therapy… I mean, not that we aren’t… but just for show…”

“Mike, my child, I can’t follow you. You want me to communicate with her and when I do it, everybody treats me like a public enemy…”

“We talked about throwing a room party on Sunday since we have a day-off right on Mike’s birthday. What if we extended it to a Mike’s Birthday and Welcome Judy Party? Maybe we could finally have a normal conversation with her… Of course if you don’t mind, Mikey…” Jeff ignores my reaction.

“You mean, you could have a conversation with her… Jeff, are you kidding? Mike, do you want to celebrate your birthday with an afternoon tea? Because that’s all you can expect from Miss Innocence…”

“Afternoon tea in the evening? Stone, don’t confuse me, please! Oh, sorry, sarcasm is your cup of tea…” Very funny, Mike… “I like the idea, anyway, I’m not selfish; I share my party gladly with her. And you can’t complain, because it’s my birthday. Yass, watching your annoyed face will be my best birthday present ever!”

“Stone, that seems settled to me. But you can skip it and stay pouting in your room, no one will miss you! I’m out!” Jeff shrugs and walks back to his bunk.

So here we are. An evening rosary with Sister Judith on Mike’s birthday. Excellent.

***

I’m heading to the payphone in the café of the gas station and I’m still pondering about the last conversation in the bus. The guys acted very weird; somehow things always get very weird when Stone and I engage in any form of communication. Actually, we haven’t even talked yet; he hasn’t even shown the faintest signs of interest when I tried to get to know him. And this first, quite odd attempt of his got interrupted by the not less odd reactions of the guys…

I have two calls to make; at first I dial our number in Seattle. After a few rings I hear the beeping of the answering machine, Effie probably hasn’t got home yet.

“Hi Mom, hi Ef… it’s me, Judy, and I only wanted to let you know that… ooooh, ooooh, I’m still alive…”

I must have sung too loudly since as I glance around, I see a few customers staring at me suspiciously.

“…aaaand, thank you for accepting my application for “Sing the Billboard” contest, I really appreciate your kindness!” I tweet and I hang up the phone quickly. After changing meaningful looks the customers finally turn back to their beverages so I earn back my privacy by the time I start to dial the other number.

“Curtis Management.” I immediately recognize Krisha’s friendly voice although she sounds very official on the phone.

“Hi Krisha, it’s Judy. You know, you made me promise to call you as I can…”

“Hi girl, how are you doin’?”

“I’m okay, thanks. I’m not used to night shifts so I’m a little bit tired but otherwise I’m fine.”

“Aaand, how was the gig? Did you like it?” she asks excited as if she was asking me about the newest gossips.

“It was… dynamic. I mean, how can they play with the same intensity every night despite having been on the road for months? I see the signs of stress and exhaust on them but as they step on the stage, they turn into human tornados… But hey, you didn’t warn me about Eddie’s suicide actions...”

“Well, hehe… that’s a thing we don’t like to talk about… I mean… in the beginning he was very shy but not much later he started to channel his energies into his performances… and you saw the result. Every single member of the team is worrying about his crazy, random ideas and we’ve tried to talk him out of them but he doesn’t listen to us, not even to Beth…”

“That’s weird…” And selfish, but as the newest member of the staff I keep my opinion for myself.

“And can you get along with your roadie tasks?”

“I’ve already learned how to dismount the gear, you know, destruction is always easier than construction… and Karrie showed me a few things, but she doesn’t want to spill everything on me in one day…”

“Yeah, step by step is always a good strategy. I hope… No, nothing… ”

“What? What did you want to ask?”

“Uhm… no… nothing… or… I just wanted to say that I hoped the guys treated you well… You know, being in a company that consists almost only of men is not easy for a young woman… of course they aren’t sexist jerks but they always tease each other with pranks, dirty jokes and so on… Karrie has already got used to it, but you…”

“No, they are very kind and helpful…”with certain exceptions…“… and Eric is very protective of me, he’s like the goofy dad of the team. And I’m not a nun either…”

“Yeah, Eric is great at keeping everything under control without making you feel being controlled. You can turn with literally anything to him so if you need something just let him know… Or call me, I offer my services as a secret ally…” it’s like I can see her winking at me.

“Thanks, I like secret alliances… I’m going to find out a secret handshake for us.”

“And I’m going to send you nonsense fake encoded messages when talking with the guys only to make them believe that we’re members of a powerful secret society. As curious they are, they’d spend hours decoding them…”

“I’m in, I like that! But, uhm, I have one another call to make, so…”

“Okay, okay, just one more question! How… how is Stone?” she asks very cautiously. Pff…  okay, she was right with that supernatural skill thing… why is she asking right me? Of course they are friends, but why can’t she ask him? “Judy, can you hear me?”

“Something is wrong with the line… What did you ask?”

“I asked you about Stone. How is he doing?”

“Uhm… he’s… he’s okay… I guess… the thing is that we haven’t talked much yet but as far as I can see, he’s fine…”

“Great! If he’s fine, that’s fine... uhm… I leave you alone, make that another call and take care of yourself! Bye Judy!”

“Bye Krish!”

I dial again our number and this time I have more luck.

“Camden.”

“Hi Sis, it’s me!”

“Judy!!! It’s so good to hear you! What the hell was that weird message you left a few minutes ago?” she jabbers without taking a breath.

“Nevermind… how are you? Any good news from the hospital?”

“No, nothing special, only the usual visits three times a week. But let’s not talk about me; I want to know everything from the moment you set foot in Cleveland!”

“Well, being in a rock band’s staff is not as exciting as you think…” I know that she’s dying for the details, especially about the reception of her little present but I want to tease her a bit.

“JUDITH EMILIA CAMDEN, SERIOUSLY, DON’T PISS ME OFF!!!” she screams with such volume that I almost drop the receiver.

“Okay… let’s start with the gig. It was a-ma-zing. I can’t wait being really a part of it, you know, at least as a support member of the team. They play with so much energy! I’ve never seen anything like this before. You have to see them once too, you would lose your mind!”

“Finally! I haven’t heard you being so excited about anything for months, I’m glad you started leaving the spinster lifestyle behind…”

“Spinster??? Excuse me? Well thanks, if you go on like this, I’m afraid I can’t tell you anything more…” I threaten her. “Anyway, I don’t have time for telling you all the details, we set off soon… all in all, everybody is kind, the team is full of nice people, with certain exceptions, though…”

“Certain exceptions? Is there someone there who’s not a nice person?”

“No, no… I mean… everybody is very tired, some of them might be in a bad mood but that’s totally understandable… But I haven’t even asked yet how Mom and Granny are?”

“Mom is tired, as always… the old terrorists who she calls her clients keep finding out more and more ways to drive her crazy. And Granny calls every day pestering us with uncomfortable questions, very surprisingly about your nutrition habits.”

“Haha, please reassure her that I’m going to eat a half pork for lunch. Only a half because the other half of it could escape. And tell her that between gigs I collect berries and roots with Karrie and Beth, Eddie’s girlfriend, while the boys are hunting. Okay, Mike and Stone are only decoys, their body structure makes them suitable only for that role… or rather unsuitable for any other role. But I rather shut my mouth, I should go…”

"No, you can't hang up! We haven't even talked about the most interesting things yet!" she cuts me off quickly.

"Like...?"

"Like for example whether you've used your tape recorder yet!"

"Nope... working on my ideas is sooo problematic regarding the circumstances... I miss my piano, it would be quite difficult to use only my tuning fork and ears since I don't own a guitar either so..." I whine.

"Judy!!! You're touring with a goddamn rock band, and you're only excuse is not having a guitar? Then borrow one from the guys!" I have to hold the receiver away from my ears due to her vehement reaction.

"Hm... Maybe... After all, they carry their acoustic guitars everywhere with themselves, maybe I could ask Jeff or Mike..." I hesitate.

"Or Stone..." she adds.

"Pff... Stone...'course..." I snort ironically.

"Why not? What's wrong with him? Krisha told he was a nice guy!"

"Well, nice is a relative attribute. He's a nice guy in comparison to Ivan the Terrible or Jack the Ripper."

"But you said a few seconds ago that they were kind people!"

"Kind people with certain exceptions. He's the exception. He's an asshole with me. In the beginning I wasn't sure if he even noticed my existence but now I'm convinced that he ignores me intentionally. Or when not, he acts so strangely, it's difficult to describe it... He's not openly hostile but he isn't friendly either. I can't solve him, all I know is that I don't like him. I hate him. Actually... he's an asshole with everyone, so..." While I’m spitting out my impressions about him the fingers of my right hand start playing with the phone cord.

"Then being ignored by him might be better than not..."

"I don't know. He targets everyone with his caustic remarks but he's not offensive at the same time, he doesn't really hurt them. It's like a very annoying way of care. And, what’s more, he’s insane. He talks to himself while playing the riffs during the gigs and rehearsals."

“Maybe you’re wrong, maybe he’s just…”

“I saw it with my own two eyes! Trust me, he has a screw loose.” I declare irrevocably.

"First an asshole, then insane… I'm not sure I can follow you... Let's sum it up: there's this guy..."

"Don't call him "this guy"!"

"Why? He's a guy, isn't he?" she asks back impatiently.

"Yes but you emphasized his gender as if it had been relevant but I'm not interested in him..."

"Okay, then there's this young, male specimen of..."

"Don't use the..." I cluck in.

"Shut up, Judy! So there's this young, male specimen of homo sapiens who's an asshole with you, therefore you don't like him." she explains me in the style of a kindergarten teacher.

"Exactly." I nod totally unnecessarily seeing as she can’t see me.

"But he's an asshole with everyone, only in a different way."

"Yep."

"And you want him to be an asshole with you in that different way."

"Kinda."

"And if he was an asshole with you in the desired way, then you would like him."

"Desired? What... No!!!" I protest.

"Then what?"

"I would still hate him but I wouldn't feel being discriminated at least."

"Judy?"

"Yes?"

"You should have your brain checked."

"Thank you so much! I've always known that I can count on you at solving my problems."

"I don't think that this Stone guy would cause a big problem for you. You're smart, fire back with a few witty remarks and he will realize you're not the person he wants to fuck with. Or do you want him to be the person who he wants to fuck with?" I can hear her grinning. I'm going to kill you, Ef, I swear. I feel my index finger numbing and as I glance at it, I notice that I rolled the phone cord so tightly around it that its color has turned into something between purple and dark blue.

"Could we drop this fuck topic?" I try to untangle my finger nervously.

"Sure. Did you found the condoms?" she chuckles.

"Hahaha, I knew you couldn't help asking it!" I laugh. "Yes, thanks, I found the condoms” I scream the last word in Granny’s voice “but I doubt I would need them..."

"Do you think Granny's concerns aren't realistic?"

"Hehe, not at all... and you know my famous luck, if I met a guy, I probably should rather use the Golden Rule." I confess resigned.

"I almost forgot Granny's Golden Rule! And it's so much funnier to hear it from you! Your Granny impersonation is the best of all times... Please, Granny, tell me the Golden Rule!"

"I can't, I'm in the diner of a gas station!" I hiss glancing around and counting the customers who could possibly hear me.

"Please!" she begs.

"No way!"

"Please!!!"

"Okay... but only because you asked me so nicely." I clear my throat. "Effie, my darling, if you see a man showing his organ, scream as loud as you can, run away and call the police!" I imitate Granny's voice.

"Ahahahah... that was hilarious! I miss you, you idiot!"

"I miss you too, other idiot! But now I really have to go, I send hugs and kisses for the whole family!"

"Take care of yourself, be good… or not, be bad! Verry bad. And hugs for Karrie!"

"I’ll see what I can do. Bye, Ef!”

“By, Sis.”

As I hang back the receiver I stay standing at the phone for a moment and let out a deep sigh. As I turn back I almost bump against the chest of someone tall who has probably been standing behind my back for a while, waiting for the phone.

“Sorry!” I jump back with a startled short scream. Wait… I know that sweater… As I crane my neck to see the head belonging to the person, I recognize Stone in front of me. He stares me with his usual, nonchalant facial expression dipping both hands deeply in his pockets. So the guy’s got green eyes… greener than I could ever get used to… Jesus, how long might he have stood behind me? My brain desperately analyzes the possible scenarios in a fragment of a second. Could he hear the asshole part? Or only the insane part? The fuck… the condoms… Granny… FUCK!!!

“So… I guess, Virgo, huh?” he utters slowly raising his eyebrows questioningly. Or rather quizzically? Shit, he must have definitely heard the Granny part.

“I have to go.” I mutter sidestepping and storm out of the building.

***

“Curtis Management.”

“Hi Krisha!”

“Stoney, hi, how are you?”

“Thanks, everything’s fine, I’m just calling to ask you to send me that fax with the details of our SNL appearance. I lost my copy but I don’t feel like confessing to Eric that something’s missing again.” I explain unwillingly.

“Okay, I’ll send you but you’re unbelievable, you know? If you keep being so absent-minded, one day you’ll lose your own head… Of course only if you don’t lose it at one of the gigs as an unwanted side-effect of head bobbing!” she chuckles.

“…said my so-called friend.”

“Ah, so in your interpretation friendship means to swallow my critical remarks about you and bearing your teasing the shit out of me without a word?”

“No, you see that completely wrong, ‘course you can use words! You just have to laugh at my jokes and reassure me regularly how funny I am!” I grin.

“Not that you need self-esteem boost… Anyway, you said everything’s fine so does that mean that Judy was a good choice?” I can’t believe that, this Judy mania follows me everywhere.

“I don’t know, you should ask the others.”

“Because…?”

“Because… all I know about her is that eighty percent of her vocabulary consists of saying “sorry”. Or maybe more but I would need a hearing aid to understand the remaining twenty percent.”

“Or maybe you should spare your poor Marshall. Interesting, I had meaningful conversations with her, I mean, when she came to the interview…”

“She’s… small and… annoying. She follows Karrie everywhere like a duckling and moves so quietly as if she were spying, I can’t stand that…”

“And what about her famous, excellent ears?” she keeps torturing me.

“Dunno… her hair cover them all the time.” Maybe nonsense answers make her change the topic of the conversation.

“You’re impossible. And how’s Ed voice doing? Eric mentioned he struggled more and more with it.”

Yass. I succeeded.

“I don’t know… we should figure out something… Obviously he shouldn’t sing for weeks at least but that’s not an option right now. You know, he doesn’t listen to anyone…”

“I know.” she sighs but I know her, she keeps being concerned without talking about it. “Oh, and Mike’s birthday? You won’t forget it, will you?”

“Of course we won’t, Mom.” I answer slackly. “Eric is to order a cake and we’re organizing also a birthday party for him. Although it’s probably just a question of semantics, we’re probably going to have only a few beers, maybe smoke some pot, and that’s all…”

“You don’t sound enthusiastic. Hey, it’s about Mike, your friend or what…”

“I know… it’s just…” No, I’m not gonna whining like a five-year-old again. “Nothing, I’m just tired but you’re right. Mike deserves to have a cool birthday. But, uhm, if you don’t mind, I should call Amber too…”

“Amber, of course… But I almost forgot that I have a message for Judy, could you deliver it?”

“For Judith? Okay… Let me hear it.” Since when have they been confidantes?

“Okay, but repeat it her word for word, okay? It’s very important.”

“Mkay…” I mumble although I’m not convinced about the importance of anything that relates to that chick.

“Okay, so… the Russians are already in the pantry.” she utters pausing for a second between the words.

“What?” I must have misheard it.

“The Russians are already in the pantry.”

No, I don’t have problems with my ears, but she has definitely serious problems with her brain.

“Krisha… carefully with acid, okay? If bad trips keep repeating, you should look for a new dealer…” I joke to cover how uncomfortable I feel. It is usually me who tells insider jokes all the time; I’m not used to the role of the dumb listener.

“Haha, thanks, I’m absolutely straight!” That’s I’m afraid of too. “Now go and call your sweetheart. Bye, Stoney!”

“Bye!”

I’m still trying to make out the message while I’m dialing Amber’s number.

“Amber Foster.” she answers right after the first ring.

“Hi babe, it’s me.”

“Baby! I didn’t think you’d call me today!” her voice sounds huskier than usual.

“You sound like you have a sore throat, are you okay?”

“That depends… the nastiest kind of hangover.” she giggles. “Last night we went partying with the girls and some guys invited us for a cocktail. And other guys to other cocktails… Hanging out with single girls always pays off.” she laughs.

I’m not really surprised, she’s a gutsy girl, that’s why she impressed me when we met for the first time. I mean, when a tall, long blond-haired girl with a spectacular chest structure comes over to you and declares that you want to buy a drink for her, you won’t start searching for counter-arguments… I like it better when I have to work for the targeted person, though, I have a thing for stubborn girls but I wasn’t a complete idiot either to miss such an opportunity. And partying without me is her constitutional right; I’m okay with that, I’ve done basically the same for months since we started touring.

“I had a rough day at the firm, Elaine is still trying to get a rise out of me, I needed a night out.” Elaine, again. Her Cruella de Vil-like - or at least that’s how I always imagine her -, despotic boss at the fashion company she works at. “We’re working on the spring campaign and she’s like a slave driver, every time I finish a task she finds something she doesn’t like and makes me start it again from the very beginning, it’s awful…”

I can’t help but I give up following her monologue after a few words, her voice sounds as if I was listening to a tape played at double speed, being unable to grasp any information of it. I’m not proud of that but that happens to me quite often as for our conversations… not that I’m not interested in her. I stare out through the window, when I glimpse a small figure wearing that ugly, brown potato bag dress. She sits down on the curb at the parking lot and lays something, maybe a thick notebook on her knees. She pulls something out of the leg of her right doc… I crane my neck to get a better sight but I still can’t find out what she’s holding in her hand. I can see the sunlight glinting on it; it must be something made of metal. What the hell, did she steal the cutlery?

“What do you think about that?”

Oh shit, I have no idea what she’s talking about… and how long she has been talking about that who knows what… the last thing I can remember was Elaine so it must be something about her work, maybe her new ideas… maybe the colors of this season…

“Purple?” I falter finally.

“Purple? Baby, I was telling that Mark and Jessica made up again and I asked if you thought they could finally make things clear.”

Jesus, even if I had listened to the question, I wouldn’t be able answer it. I met her friends only two or three times and I don’t really feel like an insider as for the drama events of her clique.

“Who knows, maybe.” I try to play a cliché from my collection of verbal robot pilot elements.

“I don’t know, Jessica should finally realize that she won’t find a perfect match and Mark is relatively the best for her.”

Dear Jesus, I thought it was over. In the meantime Jeff takes place next to her and they get into conversation.

“Uhm, yeah, definitely. Sorry for not being a good listener, I got distracted by two homeless people who are fighting over the content of a dustbin. And somehow I have Smoke on the Water stuck in my head so I said the first word that came to mind.”

Gosh, this is so pathetic; Jeff throws himself on the first, possibly single female person he’s met in the last months apart from the backstage oriented bar pixies.

“It’s okay, baby. I’d like to talk to you longer but all I can think of right now is sleeping, I need a nap to make this splitting headache more bearable.”

“Okay, I’ll call you later Sleeping Beauty, good night!”

“Bye, my prince!”

She could have asked me at least how I was doing.

[shewantedtobeasecretgirl]

3. Pleased to meet you a. k. a. androids, reserved groupies, gentlemen and rude boys (Part One)

„Mom, are you asleep?” I whisper as I sneak in her room.

“Not anymore…” she sighs. “I’ve hoped since you turned five that one day you’ll realize how unnecessary this question is…”

“Sorry… I…I go back to sleep…” I feel suddenly guilty for waking her up in the middle of the night.

“I’m just kidding, come here, sweetie!”

I slip under the cover on the other side of the bed and crawl next to her. I can’t understand how she can still sleep in this large bed. Effie and I have maintained the habit of sometimes visiting Mom’s bed when we want to feel like children again, which is maybe pathetic and implies the urgent need of a psychotherapist but makes me feel safer than anything. I smell Dad’s scent on the pillow, which is probably only the cruel product of my mind as the cover of it got washed at least two hundred times since then. I swallow a salty teardrop to prevent myself from crying.

“Mom…”

“Hm?”

“I can’t sleep…”

“Of course you can’t sleep. If you could I would start worrying if you got kidnapped by aliens who put you through a brainwashing or replaced you with an android.” she remarks sleepily.

“Thanks… do you even know what androids are?” I slap back.

“Who do you think I am? Of course I know. Mr. Taylor is a huge sci-fi fan so every time I visit him he makes me check the whole building since he’s convinced that aliens are hiding in his home. Once he even got me to crawl under his bed, of course I didn’t find any aliens. But what I did find were his denture for which we had been looking desperately for almost two weeks. As for androids, he suspected me being one as well since I bought him raspberry yoghurt by chance instead of the strawberry-flavored sort which is his favorite. So please, don’t question my knowledge about androids.”

“And how can you be sure that I’m not an android who’s trying to trick you by saying she can’t sleep?”

“I give up… You’re worse than my clients…” she yawns.

“But at least I can change my own diaper without help…” I snicker, which makes her snort too.

“So what’s the matter? You’re already stressed out by the possible events of the next few months?”

“I don’t know. If something happened to Effie while I’m away and I couldn’t help her, I would never forgive myself.”

“You don’t have to feel guilty for leaving us. Actually, I’ve never told you but I’m as much concerned about you as about Effie’s health.”

“About me? But I’m okay, I’m healthy, I have a degree…”

“But you’re lonely and you live like a recluse. I’ve never heard you mentioning any friends from New York, you don’t see your high school friends anymore, you don’t have colleagues who you could go out with…”

“But Effie is actually my best friend, and…” I cut her off.

“I’m happy for having such wonderful daughters who are inseparable but you should start building your own life too…”

“Oh no, it’s about the “find a husband” thing, isn’t it? I can’t believe…” I sigh.

“No, ford God’s sake, no! I just think you narrow your world to your work and us and I don’t want you to feel later that you didn’t collect enough experiences…”

“With guys?”

“With everything! You don’t go out, you don’t travel anywhere, you don’t date but you’re 24. These supposed to be your most memorable years, don’t waste them, you’re can finally drink legally without any grey hairbreadth!” she nudges me encouraging. “But that’s why I’m glad you accepted the job offer. For the record, Effie agrees with me on that, she’s pretty much psyched about the whole thing and at least her brain is full of these thoughts instead of…”

“I know, she doesn’t leave me alone with her daydreaming… But those people seem to be quite different than me… I don’t know any of them but Karrie… They are probably surrounded by party faces who dance on the table or smoke one joint after the other. Not to mention the job part of it…”

“Why do you try to convince yourself about having made a wrong decision? You haven’t even met “those people” yet! Besides, I’ve known for some time you want to do something surprising, something that is out of your comfort zone. When you came out of your room after the conversation with Karrie, I saw on your face that this was it! But for some reasons you play your compulsory hesitation this time too…”

“Mom?” I interrupt her, not because she’s not right but because I know she can’t help me to get rid of this feeling. “How did you know it?”

“I’m your mother and mothers know everything. Or, I’m an android who can read in peoples mind. Or, both of us are androids and we were programmed by the same person, which created a special connection between us. But androids need to spend some time in sleep mode too…”

“Okay, I get it… Good night, Mom!”

“Good night, my android roadie!”

***

“Carefully with the old bag, my dear!” Granny moans while I’m trying to help her to get out of the car. Mom stands already at the trunk to hand her enormous backpack to Judy. It‘s almost larger than Judy although she sorted its content at least three times to reduce it to the most necessary clothes and personal belongings. Anyway, she’s to spend her next months with guys who share their stuffs and have worn the same shirts probably for months so it was easy to convince her about keeping her luggage as modest as possible. With a few necessary precautions…

Judy looks paler than usual and this effect is multiplied by the dark shadows around her eyes. She spent the last two weeks with preparing for her new job and to stay true to herself she took it very seriously. After the interview she literally panicked and begged me to call Victor, my former high school classmate who works at Rock Candy so that he would show her the basics of a sound system and the tasks of a rock band’s staff. She hung out there after work almost every evening and in the remaining time she was listening to Ten and the tapes with unreleased songs that Krisha gave her until she learnt them to the last note. She got labeled as a nerd by her classmates for reason, her perfectionism made her immediately worrying about the possible expectations of her new employers. But it’s kinda cute how tenacious she tried to become a perfect monitor engineer in two weeks with the same enthusiasm as she studied for being the valedictorian of her class. She can’t do anything in a low-key way.

As we enter the main hall of Sea-Tac Airport I notice that the check-in counter of Judy’s flight to Cleveland has already been opened. Get it over with fast, I don’t want to get too emotional. It’s inevitable, though, Granny will start crying anyway and Mom always cries when Granny cries and so on…

“I’ve got something for you, Sis!” I turn to Judy. I almost forgot about it, the other thing was on my mind all evening...

“Do I want to know about it?” she asks pretending to be desperate.

“It’s very funny… You don’t even deserve it. I’ve changed my mind, I keep it.” I shake my head reprovingly.

“A present? But you needn’t have…”

“It’s a very useful present, if I were you I’d take it…” Mom winks at me.

“So… I think you’ll know for what purpose… ” I place a small package onto Judy’s palm.

As she opens the little box wrapped in paper and recognizes its content her face lights up immediately.

“A mini tape recorder! Effie, this is awesome!” she captures me in a rib-breaking hug.

“But there’s a rule! I want to hear the newest stuffs while you’re away. There are more tapes, we can manage somehow that you always have one with you for recording your ideas. As I receive a tape I copy it and send it back to you, okay?”

“I don’t want to get them lost, we have to figure out the exact method… I don’t know if I’ll be able to find time to record my ideas... or if I’ll have ideas at all, I count with busy days… But if I won’t, I still can use it to that groupie thing!” she raises her eyebrows quickly a few times referring to our recent conversation.

“I’m sure that surrounded by so many musicians you’ll have more ideas than ever…”

“Just don’t forget to eat, sweetie.” Granny warns her. “When you’re busy, you tend to forget to eat. Didn’t you forget your sandwiches at home, did you?” Granny’s biggest fear before travels is that we’ll starve to death so she always makes sure if we have a detailed plan about our meals at least five days in advance.

“Granny, if I wasn’t able to get food when I’m hungry, I would have already died due to natural selection!” Judy gently strokes her shoulders but when Granny begins to share her advice and warnings, nobody can stop her.

“And be cautious with those men! Don’t let yourself get drugged and seduced!” Here we are; the Granny Show has started. I think my favorite part comes right next… I glance at Mom and I can see she’s trying to repress her laughter, just like me. By the way, Granny is always right…

“Those men? Granny, they’re just guys in their twenties!”

“That’s exactly what I’m talking about young lady!” Granny pokes Judy in the chest with her index finger. She leans closer to her and keeps pestering her more quietly. “Judy, my little star, it’s so embarrassing to ask this but someone has to do it… Do you have ‘that thing’ in your bag, don’t you?” Oh my God, this episode is better than I’ve thought.

“That thing? What is ‘that thing’?” Judy asks back suspecting she doesn’t want to know the answer.

“ ‘That thing’… you know… if it still happens… you have to take precautions, young men are so irresponsible nowadays… You know, I watch TV a lot, I’ve already heard a lot about that AIDS disease…” I see that Judy realized in the meantime what Granny was trying to say but she wants to trap her with the topic she came up with.

“Granny, I’m more and more confused. Please be more specific!” Judy plays the uncomprehending, innocent little girl. Mom turns in the direction of the departures board but the shaking of her shoulders reveals her.

“Judy, my dear, I’m talking about… you know…” Judy keeps waiting with an amused smile for her uttering the end of the sentence. “Condom!” she whispers in horror and at this point Mom, Judy and I erupt into a loud laughter, which makes her more embarrassed than the word she’s just said.

“First of all, I don’ think I would need ‘that thing’. I’m supposed to work with them, like ‘work’, literally. But if I still would, it’s rather the guy’s responsibility to be prepared. Aaand, if he’s not prepared but I can’t resist the temptation, there are bunch of ways of having fun to which you don’t need ‘that thing’. I’m sure you’re being a widow with one daughter and two granddaughters, there’s nothing new for you, Granny.” Judy grins, which makes Granny get close to fainting. Of course I know that Judy’s cheeky remark about sexual alternatives was only meant to freak her out, I’m sure as hell she would chicken out if someone tried to get so close to her that she would need ‘that thing’. But Granny is always right… And I took the precautions, Granny, even if you think you’re the only responsible adult in this family…

“Sorry Granny, I adore how much you’re concerned about me, I just can’t shut my big mouth.” she embraces her. “But I think I should go…” Judy is still wiping the teardrops of laughter from her eyes. Or are those already different kinds of teardrops?

While Judy is standing in the cue, I exchange a bitter look with Mom. Until now I was focused on Judy’s exciting perspectives and ignored the fact that I would miss her. Fuck, I’ll miss her a lot…

After finishing the check-in process she kisses and hugs all of us in a suspiciously short time and before we could get really touched she sets off with quick steps for the security check. Before entering the security zone she turns back for a second, sends an awkward wave to us and disappears in the crowd immediately.

***

“Sir… excuse me, sir… EXCUSE ME!” I have to repeat the same sentence more times, as usual. People at public places usually can’t hear me when I’m speaking to them, or even if they can, they misunderstand what I’ve said, which often leads to miswritten names, misheard numbers, wrongly taken orders.

“Oh, sorry… Good afternoon, Madame, may I help?”

The receptionist of the hotel turns to me distracted, as if he had woken up from a deep dream.

“As far as I know, I have a reservation for this night.”

“Your name, please?”

“Camden, Judith Emilia.”

“A moment, please… would you repeat it?”

I can’t believe that.

“Camden. C, A, M, D, E, N.” I spell and I can hear my voice getting sharper.

“Sorry, I can’t find your name in the book.”

“It’s maybe a group reservation. I’m a crew member of Pearl Jam.” I explain.

Suddenly his expression changes and his lips form a patronizing smile.

“I’m afraid, in that case I can’t help you, Miss Camden.” he closes the book with a quick move.

“How do you mean…?”

“Well, you’ve been the fifteenth female person today who claims being a stuff member of Pearl Jam.” he emphasizes the word “female” in a mocking tone, which makes me clear what he’s thinking about me. I feel my cheeks reddening. This damn blushing… Even if I don’t have any reason for feeling embarrassed…

“Look, I’m not like those female guests, I have my contract in my bag, I have every single document…” I try to get him to open the book again.

“I’m sorry Miss Camden, but our main principle is discretion, I have to follow strict rules, I’m only allowed to let in persons who arrive with the band or with their manager. You don’t need to show any documents, I can’t help you, I can’t make any exceptions.” he rejects my attempt.

I stare perplexed and frozen at him. But I decide not to beg him and every single brain cell of mine starts searching for a plan ‘B’. Should I call Krisha? She gave me her office number… But if I called her, she would think I’m a loser with the problem solving skills of a pupil in the second grade… The crew is probably not here; Karrie told me something about an afternoon sound check… Yes, this is it! Krisha gave me a list with the names, addresses and phone numbers of the clubs where the band plays the remaining shows of the US tour. If I called the club, I could ask if they’re still there and maybe I could join them…

“Thank you, I really appreciate you efforts, good bye!” I tweet to him and leave the lobby almost cheerful, relieved by my idea. The receptionist gazes puzzled after me, probably the other female persons weren’t so happy after getting thrown out…

I slam into the first phone booth, throw my backpack on the ground and tear off the thick folder from its backside. After a short search I find the number I need and I dial it impatiently. After a few ringing I hear a bored male voice on the other end of the line.

“Peabody’s Down Under…”

This time I’m more cautious.

“Hello, I’m Krisha Augerot from Curtis Management. I would like to talk with Karrie Keyes, from the Pearl Jam crew, it’s very urgent. Are they still rehearsing?” I try to sound impressive.

“Yes, they’re still here, I’ll look for her, hold the line, please…”

I hear a deep boom from the background, the band probably started playing in the meantime.

“Krisha? Hi, what happened? Is everything okay?” Karrie breaths heavily, she must have hurried to the phone.

“Calm down, Karrie, it’s just me, Judy!” I snicker.

“Judy???”

“Yes, don’t ask anything… I had problems with the check-in at the hotel so I decided to use an alias…”

“Problems? Alias?”

“Yeah, the receptionist took me for a groupie or what…”

“Hahaha, you? For a groupie?” she giggles. I feel somehow a little bit offended, although as I look down at myself I have to acknowledge I’m not the archetype of band chasing butterflies. My braids, my glasses, my long, brown and loose dress which ends where my docs begin…

“Hey, the world needs reserved groupies too, they’re also valuable members of society!” I defend myself. “Anyway, the thing is that I can’t check in so I thought I joined you at the club. Is it far from the hotel?”

“No, only a couple blocks away, a few minutes on foot. I tell you how to get here, listen…”

***

I’m standing in front of the stage and watching them play. Right after the last chords of “Even flow” Stone walks to Eddie shaking his head.

“You fucked up again at the beginning of the second chorus. You fucked up at the same part even during our first show, which wasn’t a big deal because we played for survival but we’ve already played this damn thing for one and a half year…”

“Because Dave’s fuckin’ cymbal noises drive me crazy, I can’t focus on anything… And that damn smoke kills my throat…” Eddie slaps back nettled glancing angrily at Dave.

“Hey, you’ve forbidden me to smoke on the bus, which I’ve accepted so I would appreciate if you didn’t want to crucify me for having a few cigarettes anywhere else…” Dave joins the quarrel in a sharp tone.

“A few cigarettes? You fume like a fuckin’ smokestack!” Eddie yells at him.

“Interesting, nobody complains about the suffocating sweet smell of Jeff’s incenses. I’ve already given up counting my allergic reactions to them, I’m basically suffering during the journeys, over and above my wrists hurt like hell. But my problems don’t seem to be as important as those of the others…”

“Hey man, at least I try to do something for our living conditions! That fuckin’ bus smells like a polecat hole, the ape house in the zoo is a rose garden in comparison to that!”

“A hole of alcoholic polecats, to be exact. Mike, you should do something with your messy shirts, they smell of vomit… And if you think that we haven’t noticed that you’re basically hiding a whole bar under your bed, you’re wrong.” Stone targets Mike this time.

“Hey, they’re for sterilization…” Mike tries to explain himself.

“If you don’t want to produce little McCreadys during the tour, just cut your balls off or wash your feet wearing socks!” Stone misunderstands his words intentionally. “Anyway, has anybody seen my guitar tuner?” he asks out of character.

“A missing object again? Seriously Stone, you should see an expert, this level of obliviousness is already pathological. I’ve got fed up with the whole band’s searching for your shit…” Eddie attacks him.

“I wouldn’t be oblivious if I could sleep more but I have to babysit Mike every single night, I get into the bed basically in the morning, I need intravenous caffeine, it’s no wonder I’m insane…”

“Hey, nobody asked you to babysit me!”

“Nobody asked me, but I don’t want to be executed by the furious crowd after we announce we canceled the show since we had left our lead guitarist dancing naked in front of the McDonalds in the last town.”

Everybody shouts with everybody. The roads glance at each other helplessly, they shrug and with that move they basically decide not to intervene. As I turn back I see a short and slim young girl staring the guys on stage with a scared face. She carries a giant backpack – as much as I know about the laws of physics she should fall back from its weight. She might be the new girl…

“Aren’t they supposed to be friends? What if they were enemies…” she asks with a questioning expression.

“They’re just sick of touring… Imagine spending months with the same people, even if they’re your friends… You would probably want to kill them in the cruelest ways…” I step to her.

“I hope this verbal crowd fight won’t get physical. If the singer and the bassist teamed up, the drummer might have a chance to survive but those two bags of bones…” she shakes her head.

“Yeah, the coroner would have a hard job while collecting their residues with a spoon… maybe a mop and a bucket could help…” I grin.

“But the relatives might be able to identify them from their teeth…”

“Or from their internal organs… like ‘oh my God, that liver looks familiar, he had his father’s liver!” we both snicker. In the meantime the guys begin to play ‘Porch’ and as Eddie counts in she clicks with her tongue a few times. “That’s too fast… If the drummer doesn’t take back from the pace the guitarists’ hands will ignite…” Okay, she must be the new girl… “Okay, what’s that guy doing?” she asks when Eddie starts performing a reduced version of his usual climbing show on Jeff’s amplifier to jump back on the stage. As he touches down he loses his balance, ends up on the ground and stays there rolling back and forth. “Is he performing scenes from The Exorcist? I wouldn’t be surprised if he turned out to eat roads for breakfast…”

“Hahaha, I don’t think so!” I giggle, and I decide to delay a bit revealing who I am. I like this girl. I can finally talk with someone sincerely, she’s objective, she doesn’t know who I am and I’m fed up with polite and diplomatic lies which are addressed to Eddie Vedder’s faceless girlfriend.

“If I hadn’t listened to their songs earlier, I wouldn’t understand a word from the lyrics…” she remarks during the last chorus.

“And do you like their lyrics?’ I ask curiously.

“Uhm… A little bit too much of fucked up childhood and family issues, or at least for my taste but it’s definitely a good point that they’ve broken up with the infinite permutation of the girls-cars-drugs combo… Although the singer should take care of his voice, his tone is very unique but he basically yells. On one hand, it sounds flat and on the other hand I guess he’ll have voice problems within one month…”

If you knew… Eddie overstrained his vocal chords a few times in the last weeks. He would have needed a break after the European tour but they didn’t have much time to recover before the next one in the U.S.

“Maybe I can convince him about it.” I smile because the song ends in the meantime. “I’m Beth, Eddie’s girlfriend.” I offer my hand.

“What? Shit… I thought you belong to the club’s staff! I didn’t mean to…Sorry…” she shakes my hand confused. “Anyway, I’m Judy, Karrie’s second cousin.”

“I know; you’re the new girl everybody talks about. And you don’t need to apologize, I appreciate honest opinions… But I think it’s time you introduced yourself to the others!” I push her gently towards the stage.

[shewantedtobeasecretgirl]

2. Roll up for the mystery tour a.k.a. mental bouncers, supernatural skills and perfectionists

“Mmmmmsha…”

“Hi Krisha, it’s me, Stone! I need your help, it’s urgent!”

“Stooone… Who did you killed?”

“What? Why would have I…”

“Stoney… it’s 2 a.m., you must have killed someone and you need help with getting rid of the corpse, right?”

“No, it’s…”

“Then who died?”

“Nobody, Krisha, seriously…”

“Then who is dying?”

“Nobody, what’s that fixation about death? Do you take your pills regularly?”

“Idiot. But if everybody is alive and fine, this call can wait until tomorrow… until today, later, as I’ve said it’s 2. a. m. in the morning here…”

“No, it can’t. You must have heard about this crazy idea of Karrie…”

“Yes, I have but I don’t know if it’s crazy or not… Do you really want to discuss that in the middle of the night?”

“Has she already talked with Kelly?”

“Karrie? Of course she has…”

“Not Karrie, don’t be so thick-witted, I’m talking about the chick.”

“Judy? She’s got a name, did you know? No, I think we fixed the interview with her for tomorrow, shit, today… Yes, she’s dropping by today.”

“Excellent. You have to talk with Kelly.”

“Thanks for reminding me but I talk with him every day. I’m his assistant, do you remember, Stoney? Could we finally finish this conversation?”

“No, no, no, don’t hang up, Krisha! You have to talk with him about the chick.”

“Why? She comes to the office for an interview, Kelly makes the decision right afterwards, what should I say to him? I haven’t even met her. It’s not my business.”

“You have to talk him out of this nonsense!”

“Why? I’m his assistant, my task is to support his work, if he asks my opinion, I’ll tell him but at this point I haven’t got any opinion about the idea yet. And you are basically asking me to sabotage the interview of this girl, because of what? I don’t even know, only because you want me to do it?”

“Because it’s a silly idea and nobody is listening to me. And I would remind you of the fact that the reason of your being Kelly’s assistant is me who helped you to get the job at Curtis Management…”

“I can’t believe you’re playing the “I got the job for you” card again! We’ve been friends for ages, that’s why you helped me to get in so please don’t ask me to serve your control freak secret businesses in exchange for that…”

“Look… I’m asking this for the band, it’s about our success! We’ve been waiting for this so long, I don’t want to mess it up… I don’t want them to mess it up…”

“Stoney… I think you overreact this situation. She’s a musician, not a foundry worker, Karrie helps her to learn the tricks, you can help her too… She won’t ruin your success, because she can’t, but maybe she could add something to the team’s skills, a new point of view…”

“But we don’t have time for this… we don’t need anyone muddling with the monitor board while we are playing on the stage… We need people around us who know what they’re doing… Please Krisha, talk with him!”

“Okay, I’ll see what I can do… But I can’t promise anything and I’m only doing this because I don’t want you to share the awkward teenage stories you know about me with the whole crew…”

“I would never do that… as long as you do what I ask. Wow, I love this diabolical power I have over you!”

“It’s a huge luck for the mankind that you’re a musician, not a politician.”

“Why are you saying that? I would be an awesome politician…”

“Yeah, maybe… Nobody could call you account for any of your promises, you would only say “That one? Oh, that one was sarcasm”…”

“I would propose the 27th amendment about declaring the use of sarcasm as a constitutional right!”

“Stoney, please let me sleep finally… Your chick will meet a piece of shit representing me if I can’t sleep a few hours more…”

“She’s not my chick…”

“Bye Stone…”

“Sleep well, Krisha, thanks a lot!”

***

I’m waiting for Effie at the hospital and try to read but can’t focus on the book lying in my lap. It’s just an interview for a job I’m not even really interested in. I mean, touring for months with a rock band? If I had to choose a job I’m the most unsuitable for, I would opt for this. Moreover, getting into a crew of probably cool people knowing none of them? Jesus… Karrie doesn’t count, of course… I’ve always envied people who can live spontaneously without thinking about the consequences, about the “what happens, if”-s… I wish I could be like this, just for one day… Ever since I can remember I’ve always planned my future, set my goals, I’ve known what to do to achieve them, but now… I’m up in the air, I have no job and no clue about what’s next. Maybe Karrie’s idea is a sign? Granny always says there are no coincidences, everything happens for a reason. Should I just go with the flow?

“We' meet the day after tomorrow, Ms. Camden!” I hear the voice of the nurse as the door opens up and Effie steps out. Okay, I’m definitely the most selfish person in the world. I’m pondering about my next few months as if my life was a Greek tragedy, while she has problems, really serious problems, but she’s still the ray of sunshine of the family and instead of pitying herself it is she who cares for me...

“Are you ready for the battle, Sis?” she asks playfully punching with her fists quickly in the air like a boxer. Yeah, she’s definitely more excited than me.

“I hope I won’t have to fight with anyone… I’m applying for a job as a sound engineer or something like that, not as a bouncer…” I giggle.

“You would be an amazing mental bouncer!”

“Mental bouncer???”

“Yeah, if you don’t give up telling your usual sarcastic comments to everyone, the people waiting outside the clubs will change their mind and go home and the crowd inside will decide to leave as well instead of listening to your remarks…”

“First of all, most people don’t even know that I can be sarcastic…

“And how sarcastic, God…”

“…and harassing the crowd wouldn’t be a good policy concerning the band’s interests…”

“I’d love to be there when you meet groupies, a total verbal destruction for them…” she goes on daydreaming.

“They don’t surround themselves with groupies, you told me, remember?”

“It doesn’t mean girls don’t try to get closer to them…”

“Okay, if I ever meet bimbos at the backstage, I’ll humble them until they start to cry. Of course I hide a tape recorder in the room in advance. And if I ruin with that the score of any of the guys, I’ll run… ”

“Have you realized that you’re speaking as if you’d already got the job? You don’t seem to be so rejective than a few days ago…” she notices gently.

“You’ve pestered me with this whole stuff since I called Karrie, I would rather travelling across the country with those hippies than listening to your odes about Eddie’s eyes, Jeff’s upper body, Mike’s puppy look, Dave’s cheeky smile, and… did I miss out something?” I ask with pretended concern. I can already quote her fangirling by heart.

“Stone’s hair…” she adds, frowning reproachfully.

“Oh, of course, Stone’s hair! I’m going to cut off one of his strands while he’s sleeping to bring it for you as a souvenir, I promise.” I tease her.

“Just for the record: I’m rather into their music than into their look, I just wanted to point out that they aren’t only good musicians but also handsome guys, by the way.” she pouts. Okay, they aren’t bad... Since my phone call with Karrie she’s made enormous efforts to inform me about the band. She played me their first album called Ten at least ten times pestering me with the ranking of the songs, the lyrics, admiring the riffs... I like the album actually, I have to confess, that Gossard guy really knows something, and the lyrics are reasonable too, finally a band who gave up the boring cockrock clichés… But if I get the job I’ll listen to these songs for months so I don’t want to get overdosed too early…

“Okay, I’m sorry, you’re really sweet, maybe I can use my brand new knowledge during the interview. For example if the manager asks me, which of the guys is the most cute in my opinion.” I nudge her and she responds with stucking out her tongue at me and then keeps tweeting while getting in the bus.

As we get off and walk in the direction of the building of Curtis Management, I feel a knot growing in my stomach. I’m not nervous, it’s just a try, what would happen if I screwed up? Nothing… But I don’t want to disappoint Karrie, she’d feel probably ashamed if I fucked this up…

Entering the building I realize I forgot to ask the assistant about the room number. Effie and I glance helplessly at each other when a young girl at around our age peeks out of one of the offices, she’s probably copying something.

“Hello, you’re the Camden girls, aren’t you?” she asks with a friendly, bright smile.

“Uhm, yes, I’m, I’m Judy, and she’s my sister, Effie. How did you know…?”

“I’m Krisha, Mr. Curtis’ assistant, with supernatural skills. Which is a requirement if you want to work in the rock industry.” she explains doing an exaggerated gesture with her arms like she performed an acrobatic performance.

“Uhm, let me think about it… Got it! I can do Angus Young’s foot stomping backwards and Roger Daltrey’s microphone swing at the same time. Without braining anyone with the mic. Does that count?” I ask back with a questioning face.

“I knew that I would like you!” she laughs out. “Anyway, you talked with me about the appointment on the phone and besides, Karrie showed me a picture of you. Kelly, ehm, Mr. Curtis is having a business call at the moment so you can wait in my office until he calls you in. And however much I want to see that mic thing, there’s no need to perform it during the interview.” she winks.

“Thank God, the last time I practiced it was ages ago. I couldn’t guarantee that nobody gets hurt.” I mumble following her along a small hallway whose walls are decorated with framed posters, pictures and vinyls. Heart, the Wilson sisters and… Mother Love Bone, Alice in Chains, Pearl Jam… Effie’s latest presentations about Seattle music scene were useful, at least I won’t seem like a nerd who only listens to Bach.

“Heart? Wow, these… these are awesome!” Effie stares the pictures with dropped jaw.

“Do you like them? Kelly used to be their tour manager for a few years, they’re still good friends and the Wilson sisters are very supportive of Seattle bands.” Krisha explains.

“My sister wants to be a photographer… a rock photographer, to be exact.” I try to justify Effie’s shocked and paralyzed behavior.

“Cool. If you need an occasion for practicing, just call me, I know a lot of bands who search for relatively cheap working photographers for promotional shootings. Do you have a business card?”

“Oh, no, I’m… I’m still studying but I’m suspending my studies for certain reasons for a while…” she blushes.

“It doesn’t matter, the degree or its lack doesn’t count if you’re talented. You should definitely show us your works.”

We get to her office meanwhile, which means a complete change of style since its walls are pure and bright, only a few plants serve as decoration in the tastefully furnished room.

“No rock bands here?” I ask surprised.

“Well, if you spend your days with arranging their programs and everything, especially if you’ve ever dated any of them, you want to do something different in your spare time… and my hobby is interior design.”

“You’ve dated rock musicians?” My little sister has good ears for important details…

“Well, I went out with Jerry Cantrell a couple times but it didn’t last long.” she grins meaningfully, seeing that Effie glances at me with popped eyes.

“Jerry Cantrell? I don’t…”

“Jerry Cantrell from Alice in Chains?” Effie interrupts me trying to cover my ignorance.

“Oh, the blonde Rapunzel boy!” I slap on my forehead.

“Yeah, exactly.” Krisha chuckles. “But his lifestyle is… quite different than mine.”

“Too… rockish?” Effie asks curiously. “That would be Judy’s biggest fear too, I mean if she got the job. She couldn’t relate to the rock and roll lifestyle.” Effie, shut up, please…

“Haha, don’t worry. The Pearl Jam guys are pretty low-key rock stars. I mean, they aren’t innocent schoolgirls of course, but their life is not about getting wasted and banging as many girls as they can. Music is their passion and they have long-term plans, that’s why they try not to burn out quickly… Stone is one of my best friends — one of the funniest guys I know, in a different way. He's not self-conscious — he's very open and smart. He's your classic smart, funny guy, who isn't your typical rock star in any way. I’ve known him for a long time, so I’m speaking from experience. And I like also the other guys very much, they treat each other and the crew rather as family members than colleagues.”

“Do you believe me finally? Karrie said the same things about them, why do you have to be always so skeptical?”

“Better safe than sorry… I like positive surprises more, pessimism always pays off.” I shake my head. I should have left you at home, you little troublemaker. If Krisha hasn’t thought until now I’m like a first communicant, she must be convinced by now due to Effie’s bubbling that I’m from a catholic prep school. We should drop this topic…

“Krisha, has the girl arrived yet?” I hear a male voice from the office opposite that of Krisha’s.

“Yes, Ms. Camden is ready for the interview.” Krisha answers winking at me. “Are you ready to rock?” she whispers while she is accompanying me into the other room.

***

“Could my sister come in? She’s with me too…” I hear Judy’s voice behind the door.

“Of course… Ms. Camden, please!” Mr. Curtis calls me. As I open the door I glimpse a balding man maybe in his early forties behind the desk. Krisha is sitting next to him, Judy has already taken place opposite them. I see a few chairs in the corner so I decide to sit down onto one of them.

“So Ms. Camden, I’ve heard a lot about you.” Mr Curtis turns to Judy. “But I have to say, Karrie’s recommendation to hire you is pretty unusual… So, Ms. Camden, please, convince me!”

“I… I graduated from Juilliard last year, majored in…”

“I’ve read your CV, Ms. Camden, I’m curious about the things you didn’t mention in it.” Mr. Curtis cuts her off. Oh, no. Judy is not the best at improvisation, let alone when she’s nervous. And she is, she tried to cover it with her witty remarks but she can’t trick me…

“I can play the piano, I played bassoon for eight years and I can play the guitar a little bit… But I only know the chords…” Collect yourself, Judy…

“She’s a huge rock fan but she also hears a lot of mistakes that an average listener would never notice!” I hear my own voice. Fuck. Why can I never shut up?

“That’s sounds interesting… so you’re very critical as far as music is concerned?” he inquires curiously, leaning back in her seat.

“She criticizes the shit out of the songs and bands, she’s able to recognize ripped-off themes and chord changes anytime and always finds something she would have done in a different way if she had been the producer…” Somebody, please, cut my tongue off!

“Thank you Ms. Camden but I think the other Ms. Camden doesn’t need a spokesperson.” he remarks. Judy sends a killer look towards me.

“Well… I can’t stand if something or someone is out of tune or if the musicians can’t keep the pace… Of course I don’t have the professional knowledge of a sound engineer and I know that songwriting is the musician’s cup of tea… But maybe my musical qualification would help me to find out their needs and I feel ready to learn how to work out the things…” she tries to explain my remarks but she gets interrupted by a knocking on the glass of the door. A young man tucks his head in the gap between the door and the doorjamb.

“Oh, I don’t want to bother you, I’ll come back later…” he excuses himself.

“No, actually, the timing is perfect.” Mr. Curtis answered.” Ms. Camden, he’s Mitch, one of the sound engineers of London Bridge Studios. He popped in to give us demos of a few amateur bands he tried to upgrade in the studio. I think we could listen to them together, I’m interested in your opinion, Ms. Camden.”

“Uhm, okay…” she shrugs with an insecure move.

Mitch reaches out a tape to Mr. Curtis who puts it into the tape recorder on the shelf behind him. We listen together to the not very original first track but before the second track could start Mr. Curtis stops the tape.

“What’s your opinion, Ms. Camden?”

“Well… they’re okay…” Come on Judy, you can do it better, I know!

“Could you be more specific, Ms. Camden?” Mr. Curtis tries to make her talk.

“Well… they’re not bad, but…” Judy fixes her glasses. That’s a good sign… “I’ve got that “I’ve already heard this before”-feeling. I mean, they are the poor man’s Guns N’ Roses. But except for their style I think the rhythm guitarist fucked up… sorry, played the wrong chords in the second chorus and for unknown reasons the drummer started slowing down a bit in the second verse… The singer sang a bit flat, but he’s not a hopeless case… And somehow the singer’s voice got mixed wrong to the sample, it sounded as if I’d heard two records at the same time, like a bad karaoke or a deaf DJ…” I glance at Mitch, who is nodding agreeing while Krisha holds up her thumb signaling to me that Judy’s judgment is impressive.

“Thank You, Ms. Camden, I think, I’ve heard enough.” Mr. Curtis stops her. Judy pops her eyes desperately waiting him finishing his thought.

“Sorry, Mr. Curtis, I didn’t want to…”

“I have only a few more questions, Ms. Camden. First of all, when could you begin?” I can’t believe my ears. She made it.

***

I sit down opposite Kelly to have our usual afternoon coffee.

“I have to tell you something, Kelly. Stone called me in the middle of the night and he was totally pissed off even about the thought of hiring Judy.”

“You know he’s a perfectionist, he drove even the guys crazy during the recording sessions of Ten… So I can understand his feelings. But this girl is a perfectionist too so I think they could work together well…”

“In case they agree… But if not… Lord, mercy!” I laugh out. “I promised Stone to talk with you about this girl… but I didn’t promise to do it before the interview!” I grin.

“You did it right, she was very impressive, I’m optimistic about her.”

“Well, I’m a little bit worried about her… Stone is a great guy but he can also be quite unbearable when he can’t do the things the way he wants…”

“We’ll see. But I think our Ms. Camden can defend herself if necessary…”

[shewantedtobeasecretgirl]

1. Let’s work together a.k.a. a horrible idea, a Dutch courtesan and a rebel

“I don’t know Karrie… You started to work with the guys only in January and the whole thing seems to blow up right now, with that acoustic MTV show they’ll probably gain more popularity, the tour in Europe went also very well, are you sure you couldn’t postpone it?”

“Of course I am… Do you think I would have my knee operated right in the middle of the tour if I didn’t have permanent pains? If Lollapalooza hadn’t come up, maybe I would have postponed it until the tour ends but September is too late and my doctor also told that he could fix an appointment for May or June…”

“Well… sorry, I don’t want to question you’re condition but this timing is awful, we’re almost in April… I understand your reasons and respect your decision but what about your replacement? Do you have any idea? Maybe Dave could recommend someone…”

“I’ve already talked with Dave about it… The guys he would recommend have already been signed by other bands for the next months…”

“And what about Smitty? Maybe he could…”

“I’ve already asked Smitty too… But he doesn’t feel ready…”

“But why? He’s been supporting you for months…"

“That’s right, but he got into the business as an outsider without any tour experiences or technical skills… so his tasks are completely enough for him at the moment, he’s quite busy during the gigs, he runs up and down the stage fixing the gear when the guys smash something, which happens often, y’know…”

“Then what should I do now? You quit for a while for personal reasons, fine, but…”

“I know someone, actually…”

“Who?”

“My second cousin.”

“You have a second cousin who happens to be a monitor mixer? Or at least a road? What an interesting coincidence!”

“Uhm… I’m afraid we’ve reached that point of this conversation you won’t like…”

“Don’t fluster me Karrie, what’s the problem with him?”

“First of all, he’s a she.”

“Okay, we’re going to discuss this fact later but please, tell me something about her experiences first…”

“Well… she’s a musician. A really good one, graduated from Juilliard, with excellent ears… And she’s smart, she learns very fast…”

“Juilliard? That’s awesome but it sounds somehow too nice to me, why do I feel that there is a “but” in the story?”

“I don’t want to lie to you, Kelly… She’s a classical musician and her only connection to rock music is that she loves it a lot. She’s never worked as a roadie, she’s never played in a rock band but as I’ve said, she has good ears and I don’t know anyone who knows more about music than her.”

“I don’t know Karrie… Theoretical knowledge is important but throwing a qualified but totally inexperienced classical musician in the middle of the first independent U. S. tour of a promising rock band where every single mistake matters… And how could she learn how to handle the gear? Has she ever seen a monitor board?”

“I think she could join us before I leave so I could teach her what she needs. I would need about one month and after that Smitty, Brett and Scully could help her if she needs. But she won’t, she’s talented, as I’ve said. She’s working as a substitute teacher at an elementary school but her contract runs out in two weeks, she could begin as soon as we need her…”

“Now I understand everything… you want to help her… But Curtis Management and Pearl Jam aren’t a charity organization… And one month? Is it really enough? And should I pay for both of you for one month?”

“I think she could receive the half of my wage during her, let’s say, probation period, and as soon as I leave you rise her payment to the whole amount of mine.”

“That sounds better… And back to our recent topic: we’re talking about a girl. How old is she?”

“She’s 24. And as for her personality she’s single-minded, hard-working, diligent, humble, she adapts well and fast, has a good sense of humor… I think she would perfectly fit the team, everybody would like her.”

“And what about mental strength? You know, the crew members often have to face a lot of shit, technical problems, rush, exhaustion, quick decisions, let alone the band’s wishes… And – I know you don’t like this argument but we have to talk about that too – what happens if she gets too emotional? A young woman in the company of men, for months…”

“Which I could survive too, do you remember? I’ve been known her in my entire life, in my opinion she would be the perfect choice and Dave agrees too. She’s calm and cool-headed, she could manage every situation, not a drama queen at all…”

“I still don’t know, Karrie… her lack of experience is a very strong argument against her. I can’t decide if I should trust your instincts or forget this whole thing, it’s like playing Russian roulette…”

“I know, Kelly, I know… but we need someone, and I vouch for her.”

“Okay then… You should talk with the guys about it and if they agree, we’ll fix an interview appointment with her… But only because I’m totally helpless…”

“Thank you Kelly, thank you so much! I’ll talk with Eric and the guys and if they are okay with it, I’ll call and ask her…”

“What? You haven’t even asked her?”

“No, I didn’t want to do it without asking you…”

“I don’t want to know anything more about this crazy idea, I’d better rather hang up before I change my mind…”

“Thanks again Kelly, you won’t regret it! Tha…”

***

“Okay guys, we don’t have much time for this meeting, I hope we can discuss the thing quickly.” Eric claps a few times. We are after the soundcheck, I’m sitting on the edge of the stage strumming random chords on my Strat.

“What thing?” Stone asks handing his orange Les Paul to Scully and sitting down on the platform of Dave’s drum kit.

“It’s about Karrie, so Karrie, would you…?”

She slowly walks in the middle of the stage with a shy smile so that all of us can see her.

“Ehm, guys, as you know, I have problems with my knee.” she begins to speak clearing her throat. “Although I haven’t complained, my pains have increased.” she pauses for a moment.

“If you need some rest, we can surely manage it, you could skip a few shows or…” Eddie looks around to us for a verification. We all nod agreeing.

“I mean, I’ve decided to have it operated and I want to do it as soon as possible. In May or June. And this means I’m leaving the team for a while.” she explains and her words are followed by complete silence.

“For a while? For how much time?” It’s Stone who breaks the silence in an uncertain voice.

“The rehabilitation and the rest I need would take about two or three months. I could join in September again.”

“In September??? But what about Europe and Lollapalooza? It ends in September, what should we do until then?” Stone’s voice is getting menacingly curious. He pulls the scrunchie out of his ponytail and starts to play with it, stretching it back and forth. I look around and see Eddie and Jeff furrowing their eyebrows, while Dave suddenly stops spinning the drumsticks between his fingers. Eric, Scully, Smitty and Brett don’t seem to be surprised, they might have heard the announcement earlier.

“I had pondered a lot about my substitution until I found a possible solution. I talked to Eric and Kelly about it and they suggested discussing it with you.” She takes a deep breath. “Before I would say anything about it, you have to know that I’ve asked Dave and he couldn’t recommend anyone who was suitable and could join immediately. And the crew members all agreed that they need someone instead of me, they can’t share my duties while I’ll be absent.” She glances at our roads that are all nodding, staring their shoes.

“Why this mysterious introduction? You should come to the point, Karrie…” Stone is still picking his scrunchie wearing a poker face but I can hear in his voice that he’s ready for a debate.

“Okay, okay, I stop playing for time… I thought you could hire my second cousin. She’s a talented musician, a great girl, and…”

“She’s a musician? That’s cool, you’ve never talked us about her before.” I interrupt her. “And it’s a great idea, I don’t know, why…”

“There must be something you haven’t mentioned yet, isn’t it, Karrie?” Stone looks now like a tiger sharpening his nails.

“I haven’t told about her to you, since she does something completely different…” Karrie talks on embarrassed.

“And NOW for something completely different!” Stone throws in the famous Monty Python quote. “I can’t wait the details, Karrie…” he adds with a fake smile.

“She’s a classical musician, and… she’s never participated in anything like this. But she’s awesome, she isn’t focused only on classical music, I admire her knowledge, she could learn everything very fast and…”

“So we’re talking basically about hiring an outsider, aren’t we? Stone asks point-blank.

“Yes, basically… but I haven’t asked her yet, I gear it to your decision…”

“You can’t be serious, Karrie” Stone remarks casually. “Maybe you haven’t noticed it yet but we’re touring, we have gigs almost every night, we can’t afford to work with someone without experience. In my opinion, we should look for a pro…”

“But we always work with people we trust… and Dave couldn’t recommend anybody. Maybe we could find somebody who is good at what he or she does but we wouldn’t know that person at all… And actually hiring a total stranger scares me more than working with a great person who still has to learn a few things… We all have to learn a lot of things…” Eddie mumbles scrubbing his facial hair.

“I could have thought. Working with friends is one thing but nepotism and professional suicide is different… Nevermind… And what about you, Jeff? I hope you don’t support this nonsense.” Stone inquires. He runs his fingers nervously through his hair.

“I don’t know… Hiring a pro… it sounds excellent, Stone, but as you know we haven’t paid back the Mother Love Bone debt yet so we should keep our expenses as low as possible… And nepotism? Don’t be ridiculous, at least she has a degree in music. What did you have when we invited you in Green River? A Marshall amp and unbearable behavior…”

“Please Jeff, let’s skip these personal remarks… So you’re with Eddie, of course… And you, Mike?” And here we are. Stone tries to lead the band but when Eddie and Jeff are of a different mind, he wants me to support him. We’re buddies, Stoney, but I’m not going to be your yes man. “I think we should give her a chance. Not so long ago we were just friends, strumming in your parents’ attic. But we got a chance and we should also give one to other people we or our friends like … And if we weren’t satisfied with her, we could still look for someone else before Lollapalooza…”

“I agree. I got here through Matt’s recommendation as you trusted his opinion…” Dave joins the argument.

“But you were auditioned and you turned out to be an excellent drummer. But all we know about this chick is that she doesn’t know anything.” Stone insists.

“She’s a musician. That means a lot, when I joined Dave’s team, I didn’t even know how a plug looked like… The only reason of Dave’s hiring me was that I was funny according to him… okay, Karrie and Dave helped me a lot but I still can’t understand a lot of things you’re talking about and I’m quite sure, that she could…” Smitty notices quietly.

“Yes, her musical qualification is a huge advantage, she wouldn’t need years like I did… And she’s even funny too…” Karrie tries to ease the situation and glances to Jeff and Eddie who answer her with reassuring smiles.

“But she’s a classical musician, for God’s sake!” At this point Stone completely loses his patience. “We’re not in a fuckin’ Hollywood movie where the clueless main character turns out to be a genius, saves the world in two weeks and everybody is happy while heroic music is playing, of course… It would be like asking a dermatologist to execute a brain surgery! Is everybody here completely insane except me?”

“Stone, please calm down, the situation is not that serious... I think we can say the band decided to try her. If she’s interested in the job, Kelly is going to set up an interview with her so he’s got the final decision but there are a few details we should discuss before Karrie calls and asks her…” Eric tries to close the quarrel and turns to Karrie.

“I’m really grateful to you guys and I count on your help… So Kelly agreed to…”

“I won’t listen to this nightmare any longer, manage it however you want to, but I’ve heard enough…“ Stone jumps up suddenly grabbing his backpack and storms out. We all blink stunned at each other. We all know he’s stubborn but losing his temper at this level isn’t typical for him. Poor girl, you don’t know yet what you’re undertaking…

***

When I get home, Effie is sitting at the table scribbling diligently in the notebook she uses for keeping a record of our costs. Since she’s obliged to spend most of her time at home, she took the role of the housekeeper.

“Hi Effie!” I drop the shopping bags on the ground, walk exhausted to the table and throw myself onto one of the chairs.

“Hi Sis. You look quite run-down…” she glances at me for a second but then she immediately writes on. I collapse on the table groaning.

“Those lil’ bastards wanna see me dead…” I mumble against my arm. I’m working as a substitute music teacher at an elementary school in one of the most infamous districts of Seattle. Disadvantaged kiddos with family issues, learning disabilities. A real dream job for a Juilliard graduate, majored in choral conducting and music theory… for a ridiculous salary, of course.

“Hold on, only two weeks and it’s over…” Effie tries to comfort me. Well, I have to admit I’ve started to like those kids and I feel a little bit sad about quitting soon… But the maternity leave of Mrs. Davis ends in two weeks so I’m dismissed.

“Only two weeks and I’m unemployed again, yay!” I cheer with fake enthusiasm.

“You’ll found a new job soon and it’ll be exciting, I’m sure.” Effie adds convinced but still leaning over the notebook. “Oh, by the way, Karrie called. She wanted to talk to you.”

“To me? But we recently talked; she’s on the road with those Spice Guys, isn’t she?” I tease her. Karrie is my second cousin and the official black sheep of the family. Instead of going to college she joined a rock band as a road and she’s travelled with musicians since then. She established a little sound firm with her boyfriend Dave and they get on quite well. And this is why she impresses Effie so much.

“They’re called…” Effie wants to correct me eagerly but I cut her off.

“Red Hot Chili Peppers, I know, I know. I’ve already memorized their name and I can even list some of their songs, are you satisfied?” We share our infatuation about rock music but exploring newer bands is Effie’s cup of tea. She always shows me her recent favorites and makes me listen to her mixtapes full of radio recordings, telling all the details about songs and band members she considers important to know. Her room is a rock sanctuary with altars devoted to her idols. “Oh, no, I remember her telling she switched and worked with that pudding band…”

“It’s jam, Pearl Jam” Effie rolls her eyes. “And they are just cool, I’ve already wanted to show their first record to you… I’m devastated how clueless you are about Seattle bands… Shame on you, Seattle native citizen for not supporting our awesome local bands!” she exclaims theatrically lifting her hand to her forehead.

“I would support them if I knew them… But I spent years in New York in a hole called apartment, I’ve felt like an alien since I moved back…” I walk to the fridge and start to fill it with the content of the shopping bags.

“You’ll get to know them soon!” she rubs her hands against each other with a sly smile.

“Hi girls!” Mom greets us in a tired voice entering the apartment.

“Hi Mom!” we answer in unison. “How is Mrs. Mueller doin’?” I inquire peeking out from behind the fridge door. Mrs. Mueller is one of Mom’s clients. Since the rheumatology department of the hospital she used to work at as a physiotherapist was shut down, she has been employed by a foundation with a profile of nursing old people living alone.

“That old bat wants to see me dead.” Mom sighs taking place at the table and placing her legs on the other chair. Her answer makes Effie and I share an amused look. “Today she imagined she was a Dutch courtesan spying for the allies during World War II and she accused me for collaborating with the Nazis.”

“Poor Mrs. Muller… She must have had a hard life…” Effie remarks sympathetically.

“And now she tries to make my life hard.” Mom answers with a bitter smile.

“You should call Karrie back, she said it was urgent.” Effie hurries me.

“Okay, okay….” I grab the phone and walk to my room closing the door before Effie could sneak after me. Curious cat…

***

“I’m so excited… If she turns down that job, I’ll never talk to her again…” I can’t stop pacing up and down in the living room, which is actually separated from our kitchen only with a counter.

“But it’s her decision and if she doesn’t like the idea, we mustn’t influence her.” Mom is preparing the dinner at the counter and follows me with her eyes.

“But if she likes it, we have to support her…” Karrie has already told us her idea about asking her to join the band instead of her and I’m totally psyched about it. If my life sucks, at least my sister deserves adventures in hers. And she also needs something to shake her up finally. I lean to her door gluing my ear against it but all I can hear are only fragments.

“Holy shit… but I can’t… seriously… those hippies… brain surgery… nonsense… considering…”

I can barely jump back from the door when Judy opens it again.

“Ha! You’re eavesdropping!” she points at me victoriously. I can’t control myself.

“I hope you said yes! Please say yes!!!” I beg.

“Wait! You knew everything? And you didn’t even tell me?”

“Karrie asked our opinion a few days ago. But she didn’t want us to tell it to you since it depended on a few things…” Mom explains.

“So I’m a victim of a family conspiration…” Judy sighs. “It’s an awful idea, I shouldn’t leave you, especially with wasted rock faces who I don’t even know…”

“On the one hand, they aren’t wasted rock faces, and on the other hand, you have already seen the two fifths of them, by the way. Do you remember that gig a few years ago to which Mom and Dad allowed me to go only if you came with me?” I remind her.

“The parrot boys with the blonde, extravagant singer?” she’s searching for memories.

“They were called Mother Love Bone and Andy, their singer died since then, unfortunately…” I shake my head frowning. “Pearl Jam was formed by their rhythm guitarist and bass player.”

“I can’t remember their faces… But I don’t need to, anyway, I’m not interested in that thing… It’s nonsense, I wouldn’t be able to do it, and I’ve seen enough fucked up musicians and wannabe musicians in New York, rock and roll life style might seem to be exciting, but once you get closer, you see that it’s disgusting and kills a lot of talented people...” I know she addresses her lecturing directly to me. My conception about future shocks everybody in the family.

“But Karrie told they weren’t junkies at all… They aren’t heroin addicts playing the guitar with needle in their arms… And they lost Andy right because of drugs, so they are more careful and down to earth… They don’t even have groupies… At least according to Karrie…” I don’t give up convincing her.

“If you know them so well, it’s you who should go with them!” she snaps back sharply.

“And I would if I could!” I retort.

“Sorry, I… I didn’t mean to hurt you…” Judy calms down ashamed. “I don’t want to leave you, what would I do if something happened to you?” It’s enough, I’m not an unviable cripple.

“Let’s skip the pity part, and talk about the money! You’d have a job for a few months and wouldn’t be paid worse at all! And it would be something you could remember in your entire life! An amazing adventure! You could see Europe, the whole country, meet other bands… Mom?” I look at her desperately for help.

“As I’ve said, it’s her decision. As for the band’s mentality, I think Karrie can judge them reliably…”

“I don’t know… I don’t know anything about sound engineering… A lot of physics which I hate… I only had one course at Juilliard about studio work, but that was totally different… I have no clue about the gear… I can’t even play the guitar properly… I only know the chords…” Okay, the victory is getting closer; she’s started to look for excuses…

“You don’t have to be Jimmy Page and I’m sure that none of them has a Juilliard degree, they can only win with you!”

“Yeah, and teaching Baa baa black sheep and Mary had a little lamb for kids were surely an impressive reference for the management…”

“You taught them We are the world too! With piano accompaniment!”

“Oh yeah, that was right after Do you know the muffin man so that I don’t cut my veins.”

“Your motivation is irrelevant, you have pop music experience…” I wink.

“Oh, sure, I write it into my CV immediately…”

“You should at least call the manager, go to the interview, ask your questions and you still can say no if you’re not sure…”

“But then they would think that I’m interested in it…” Judy pondered.

“And aren’t you?”

“The musical part sounds interesting, y’know… But all the shit that comes with it… It scares me at the same time…”

“But that’s what I’m saying! You can ask anything, they are interested in finding someone who is suitable…”

“Okay, I give in, I’ll call the manager… but firstly, I have to refresh my CV…”

“Don’t forget the piano accompaniment!” I flash a cheeky grin and fall upon her neck. “I’m so happy, my sis is going join the Magical Mystery Tour!”

“It’s just an interview, my rebel little sister is overhyping everything…”

I run to Judy’s room, search through the albums until I find what I need. I pull it out of its sleeve and place it onto the record player. As the needle reaches the vinyl Judy grins recognizing the opening riff of Rebel Rebel by David Bowie. I start to play the air guitar and nod with my head towards Judy to make her join me. She grabs her deodorant as a makeshift microphone and jumps on her bed, singing loudly and doing perfect rock star moves. Mom just shakes her head smiling, but when I glance at her one minute later, I can see her head bobbing to the rhythm while chopping the vegetables…

[edvedfanfic]

six.

 "Ok, smart ass." Jane replied. She was sitting across from Eddie in the diner that they had been hoping would cure their hangovers.

  He smirked at her and handed over the drivers license. "You really should be more careful where you leave items like that." He had a teasing tone to his voice but also a hint of lecture. Not mean or rude, but.....Caring?

  "Look, I get it, you don't know me. I grab you out of a random bar, and now I'm taking you to breakfast." He fidgeted in his seat, adjusting his blue and yellow shirt. She wondered if he looked that effortlessly careless everyday or if it was a calculated look. "But, maybe I could take you on a real date? Like I said...I just really....You seem cool, and we're both new to Seattle and I appreciate that..." He trailed off. 

  She cocked her head to the right and gently smiled. She had seen him perform and he was so confident. She had listened to him talk about the things he was passionate last night as he spoke of all the causes that he cared about. It was cute to see him unsure of himself. 

  "What? Why are you laughing at me?" He cleared his throat nervously.

  "I would love to go on a date with you. However, I would like to look a little more presentable, so how about I give you my phone number and you can call so I have more than 45 seconds notice?" 

  "Deal." He smiled brightly at her. 

                                                          ***

"I have nothing to wear!" Jane screamed from her bedroom. She was hoping Alizabeth would magically come to the rescue. "What are you supposed to wear on a date with a hot rock star?"

 Alizabeth strolled casually into the room. Well you should probably hurry up because I'm pretty sure I just saw him pull into the parking lot." 

 "Shit. Shit. Shit. Quick give me a cigarette." She snapped her fingers. "Seriously...I'm freaking." In a matter of seconds Jane had it lit and half of her body hanging out the window of her bedroom. She spoke through clenched lips that firmly held the cigarette in place. "I have no fucking idea what to do." She seethed.

 "Why are you of all people so freaked out? Honestly, if I were him I'd be scared shitless to go on a date with you." Alizabeth laughed tossing Jane a pair of dark jeans. "Here wear these, they make your legs look amazing. And while you're at it, wear that black shirt hanging over the chair. Practical, but irresistible." She winked at Jane.

  "What does that even mean? I'm not intimidating....Am I?" Jane questioned. 

  "Well...I mean.. I'm just saying...Think, Trevor-"

  "He wanted more than I could give at the time!" Jane interjected.

  "Logan"

 "He was too clingy!!!" Jane exclaimed.

 "Daniel?"  

 "I was bored..."

 "Brad......" Alizabeth raised her eyebrows.

 "Ok, that one may have been for sport....." Jane admitted sheepisly. 

 Alizabath smiled knowingly. "Yeah...That's what I thought. If anyone should be afraid, it's this poor schmuck." 

  Alizabeth stood up and walk over to Jane. She adjusted Jane's hair for her and handed her some lipstick. "There, you look perfect." 

  There was a knock at the door as Jane took the lipstick in her hand. "Ohh..Perfect timing Mr. Vedder has!" Alizabeth smiled.

  "Here, let me get it." Jane hurriedly took one last look in the mirror and dashed off to the door to answer it. 

  She swung the door open and there stood Eddie. He was incredibiy attractive, Jane had to admit. He stood with maturity and it showed in his eyes...But there was a playful youthfulness in the that his lips almost always tugged up, as though he were constantly concealing a smile. 

  "Hi." He said nervously and pulled on his tan cargo jacket.

 "Hey! Come in! I just have to get some shoes on."

  She held the door open for him as he stepped inside. "So what exactly did you have planned?" 

 "Well..I don't want to ruin the surpise for you but....Dress warm. Oh, and maybe bring a raincoat." He said mysteriously.

 "I live in Seattle..Of course I'll bring a raincoat." Jane laughed but made a menatal note that they were more than likely going to be outside. Now that she inwardly though is something I can live with.  "Hiking boots?" 

 Eddie smiled and shrugged but she noticed he was wearing a pair of boots and decided to wear hers as well. "Well, Mr. Vague Answers, I guess I'll just have to be prepared for anything then won't I?"  

 They headed out the door with Alizabeth bidding them goodbye with a mischievous, all knowing smile. She's obviously in on it. Jane thought. 

 They approached Eddie's car and Jane looked at him... "Kayaks?" She questioned.

 He smiled, "It's a long drive and I figured with all of the stories you told me the other night that an outdoor adventure would be right up your alley. I need to decompress and I thought this might help and you'd want to join." He explained nervously. 

 They got into the Range Rover sped off. 

  "Before we go anywhere....I want to explain about my car.." Eddie cleared his throat and shot a sideways look at Jane.  See looked at him encouraging him to go on. When she didn't say anything he kept talking. "I hardly ever am home enough to even really drive and when I do drive I normally take really short trips so I don't want you to think that I hate the environment or anything like that driving a Land Rover." 

  Jane laughed. "Eddie, you don't have to explain yourself to me....Honestly, I'm just really excited to be able to get outside. This is going to be great! I hope..." She added uncertainly to the end. 

  He laughed and Jane watched as Seattle disappeared in the rearview mirror.