#ParsnipWike

[parsnipwike]

ANTICIPATORY GRIEF

This may be a long post (so I hope you’re sitting comfortably!) as I try and explain what I’m going through, which doesn’t fit your typical grief journey. . But I’m hoping if I open up about it others may think ‘ah that’s what I feel/felt’ and not feel so alone.

Four years ago I met Parsnip, fell in love, sold all of my tweed and bought a pony. She is my entire world, my reason for getting up in the morning, why I go to work (man are they expensive!!) she is my therapy, my escape, my best friend and my soul pony.

I always knew that if she passed away I would find it difficult, but she’s only young and we hopefully have a good 20 years left together if all goes smoothly. But last year was a huge wake up call, we thought there was a deadly horse disease on our yard and it was a pony that had shared the same field as Parsnip that was being tested. The realisation hit me hard that if Parsnip had caught it she would have to be put to sleep and I couldn’t cope with that.

My brain went into over drive, I didn’t want to live if she died, I had everything planned out. How I would go. The tests came back and thankfully it wasn’t what we had all thought, everything went back to normality. Apart from my head space. I kept thinking about how I wouldn’t cope if she died suddenly. I didn’t know who to talk to and I became really low and reclused. I struggled.

A month ago my Manager pulled me to one side and asked me how I was doing as she was worried about me. I broke down and said I wasn’t coping at all. She suggested I phone our Employee Assistance Program and talk to someone.

I’m so glad I did. I wasn’t expecting a real human to answer, but he did and he listened. I told him about Parsnip and my anticipatory grief, not wanting to be here if she died suddenly, about missing my Grandad who passed away with Motor Neurone Disease 5 years ago. At age 15 how I watched someone run over my puppy and pop her head whilst I was riding my horse Silver, he didn’t see me, my horse, or my dog on the road. The trauma that followed from that horrific day.

He referred me for 6 free therapy sessions with a trained counsellor to talk through it all and I’m so thankful that he did.

I’ve started my journey of talking about how anticipatory grief makes me feel, looking at where it stems from and ways to cope if I suddenly lost Parsnip unexpectedly. It’s scary, emotionally draining and at times really lonely, but I really want to make this a positive journey and if I can help anyone else on the way, that would make me happy too. Here is to the start of my blogs, I hope you get something out of them and if you need someone to talk to I’m only a message away.

If you want a laugh, check out our Instagram for pony selfies. #ParsnipWike

Liv