#Para: Adam

[frederickkatz]

My feelings are fatal

TIME: November 22nd, 2024 PLACE: Evergreen Graveyard BETWEEN: Adam ( @adamnvamp ) & Fredrick NOTES: Written on Discord. 

Freddie wasn't sure why he had done this. It was always easier to talk to Adam through texts, but he lately realized that his words might be misunderstood through this via of communication and he didn't want any confusion about this. He sighed as he appeared himself at the cemetery, near a big tree where he could sense Adam's energy. He was carrying two thermoses, one with coffee and one with Adam's usual order at the blood bar. He smiled when he spotted the vampire. Outside. In daylight. He arched a brow as he got closer, "Daywalker uh? another perk of dating a fae?" he asked amused and curious as he handed the thermoses to Adam with a polite smile.

The sudden energy around the graveyard surprised him and Adam turned with a smile "Hello there" he waved, putting the rake he used to gather leaves to the side. "Day walker?" He questioned with a tilted head "Ah, because I'm out in the day? Yeah, it's- it's a nice perk. Takes the humans off your tail in no time if they ever get suspicious" he accepted the thermos. He wasn't really hungry, tasting Devon always left him energized anyway, but he knew sharing a drink was an important part of important conversations. "Please, have a seat" the vampire gestured to the bench, taking a seat himself "What has brought you in today?"

Freddie nodded, “it’s a term that has been use for centuries to name vampires who can walk in the daylight. Either by blood or demonic deals,” he explained wondering how much Adam actually knew of his own kind, “angelic and fae blood are the only ones who allow vampires not to be affected by the sun and holy water,” he added just as a fun fact, “oh that too, I always forget about humans and their suspicious,” he shrugged. He accepted the invitation as he sipped his coffee, “I realized that sometimes talking through texts doesn’t give the right vibe and things can be taken out of contexts,” he started, “I would also like to ask for your discretion about this. I know you and Devon probably trust each other with everything, but this is something I don’t want anyone else to know,” he continued.

Adam listened with interest, humming along "Oh I had no idea" he said, the angelic blood was a surprise "I'm not really into Vampiric history or politics, to be honest. I try to be on the verge of it, especially to keep Devon safe" the vampire said, excusing his ignorance. "Of course. I trust Devon with my life, but your secrets are yours to tell, Frederick. He doesn't know of the things we talk about" he shrugged "I'm assuming this is about Cameron?"

“Makes sense, the less you know the safer it is for him, but I think it’s important you know more about your kind. Especially about the things you can and can’t do,” he suggested in a calmed tone, so Adam didn’t feel judged. He nodded when Adam said he assumed it was about Cameron, “yes, and no, in the end is about me,” he sighed, “Do you remember we talked about how it is when we come back to life? The lack of feelings and their development? I mean, for you it was easier because you knew about feelings when you were human so you could relate and compare and understand when you were feeling that again, right?” he said looking at the thermos in his hands, “I don’t have that advantage. I don’t have anything to compare with, and in my head I separate physical feelings, like needs, from emotional ones,” he explained, “the physical ones are easier to understand. Cold, warmth, tiredness, arouse, hunger, attraction, pain…” he listed some, “emotional ones are harder to decipher, especially cause me being what I am, I’m more used and related to the negative ones. Anger, violence, hate, dislike… so it’s odd for me to feel things I don’t quite understand, and I don’t know what to do with that or how to act on those,” he sighed hoping he was making any sense.

"Oh, I'd love to learn, I just don't keep close contact with any other vampire for Dev's safety. But if you'd be willing, we could have a drink sometime and you can enlighten me with what you know" he smiled, showing he wasn't feeling judged, and at the same time, that it wouldn't be today. Today it was about Freddie. Adam listened carefully, sipping from his thermos. It tasted like warm stale coke after having Devon that morning, but what can you do? "Okay, I'm following" he said, nodding "You think there's some new, emotional feelings coming up?"

Freddie smiled, “I don’t that much but I’ll be glad to share what I do know. I’m pretty sure there are some books at the library I could point out for you to learn more about yourself,” he offered. “Yes,” he said simply, “I know my siblings, Warren specially would know exactly what I’m going through but the thing is that Warren has a way to get in people’s heads and business and I don’t want him to do that with Cameron,” he said seriously with a small frown and then he sighed, “How did you realize that you had feelings for Devon?”

"I'd like that" he said simply, nodding along to Freddie's words. "You're worried he'd make Cameron think he felt something he wasn't feeling?" Adam asked honestly, then paused, trying to put his memories into words. "Well, I knew I had feelings for him when I noticed that our sexual encounters weren't just sex anymore" he shrugged, a small smile on his lips "We started dating backwards, so at first we hooked up a few times. Then we spent more time together and... and at some point I realized I couldn't imagine my life without him anymore. Or I could, but it wouldn't be a life worth living" Adam paused again, trying to bring it to a more practical answer "There was this tightness in my chest, a very specific one. When I made him sad, it felt like a hand was squeezing my innards, but when I made him happy my organs seemed to grow so much they barely fit in my ribcage."

Freddie smile a little, keeping in mind some books he should bring to Adam next time they meet up. He shook his head at the question, “No, I’m worried he might make Cameron think I’m feelings things I’m not feeling yet,” he sighed, “Warren means well,” he added, “he wants me to do well in this human thing but I’m not a fast learner as he is. He moves quite faster through the motions. I haven’t been in human form for thousands of years while it’s been the opposite for him so that’s why it’s harder for me. He pushes a little too much as I imagine all older siblings do,” he huffed, “it’s unnerving, honestly,” he shrugged. He listened carefully at Adam’s description and in a way it was all very similar to how his relationship with Cameron had started, “It sounds quite similar because what I have with Cameron started strictly as sex. It was supposed to be a power role agreement. It works for us, but these kinds of agreements are not supposed to involve feelings. It’s supposed to be only physical gratification…” he let out a deep sigh, “the things is that Cameron is just…” he huffed, “since the beginning it’s been different with him. He just falls in the role so naturally that only made me want him more and lately it’s more than just for physical gratification,” he admitted feeling a stupid and unusual blush in his face.

Adam hummed, nodding along and not commenting on how Freddie worded it. Yet, huh. "I've been an only child myself, but from the stories Devon has told me... I'm pretty sure meaning well but being an absolute nuisance is the job description of an older sibling" he shrugged with a playful smile. It was gratifying to see Freddie opening up, for real, for the first time and Adam busied himself drinking his awful drink to give him time to elaborate as much as he wanted "It starts as physical gratification, but you come back" he said simply "Have you ever wondered what makes you keep coming back to him? When it happened with Devon, I had just started regaining feeling, it was almost intoxicating. Like I kept craving this high, this rush, until... I realized it wasn't just that." The vampire offered his own answer, trying to help the horseman not be embarrassed. "What else do you think it is, between you and Cameron, that's not physical gratification?"

Freddie chuckled at the description Adam provided about older siblings, “I envy you for not having to deal with older siblings. I have two and one of them is fed up with me to the point they sent me away, and the other is a true pain in the ass,” he huffed. He nodded, “I have but it’s not all that simple. You see, this is my first time in a male body. All my other times playing human were as a woman, and as a women sex with male and females was way too different as what it is in a male body,” he looked away cause sharing this made him feel exposed and slightly uncomfortable to tell it to someone else, “I’ve been in this body for over two hundred years, and I mostly focused on women. Cameron wasn’t the first male who hit on me, but it was the first who made me want to try more. He has also been the only male I’ve been involved in the kind of agreement we have, so I’m not sure if that’s the reason, or if it is because he’s fae, or because he just falls into what I need so naturally and easily that is intoxicating and addictive,” he blushed again cause it did sound similar to what Adam had described.

“He wanted to hang out,” he rolled his eyes but kept on smiling, “he said we were friends apart from the sex thing and he said friends hang out and just share things and I’ve never had friends before, I do now, but it’s still different with him and I found myself enjoying those little hangouts. Most times they end up in sex and the sex is still what we agreed on and everything our deal entails, but…” he swallowed hard, “we kept apart for a few days because I was dealing with some family issues,” he said bitterly, “and dealing with work and moving to a new place and I found myself craving his presence, his voice, his texts, his smile, his silly jokes and when we finally saw each other it was not how sex usually was between us and I wasn’t bothered about it, but I don’t want to say things I don’t understand and confuse him or give him hope of something I’m not sure I’m capable of feelings…. Besides, he is dating someone, and I don’t want to mess up with that,” he shrugged taking a sip of his coffee.

"Ah yes, I've heard that many times, but I myself would've loved having a sibling, so I guess we're never happy with what we have, right?" He smiled, listening as he turned the thermos around his hands. "Ah, now it makes sense why it's such a complicated topic" the vampire nodded with a small frown. "I'm not going to pretend like I understand what your deal entails, and to be honest that's between you two and I wouldn't even want to intrude" he started gently "But let me ask you this: If you went out tonight, and you found another man, who was similar in bed, who fell into this role just as well as Cameron did and gave you everything you crave from sex with him... Would you stop seeing Cameron?" The vampire prompted, sincerely. "Because the other times we talked about him, sex was always the primal point, and now... It comes out like an afterthought, almost." He shrugged, with a heavy sigh "Ah yes, Trevor right? That complicates things further." Adam let a silence stretch between them "I know it's not your nature, but please entertain me for a moment. If you could imagine your life as perfect as it could be, the most ideal and utopic or sceneries, be it now or in ten years or a hundred. Would you want to be feeling... something you're not sure you're capable of feeling right now... for Cameron?"

Freddie hummed and nodded, "And here I thought that was merely a human flaw," he said playfully. Freddie took a moment before answering, "the thing is that after that first time with Cameron, I did look out for others. I did sleep with others and even tried the same agreement, but it just didn't feel the same. Some where too eager and others not eager enough. Cameron just fit in perfectly on what I didn't know I was looking for," he admitted, "even while I was sleeping with others, I kept coming back for Cameron," he added. "It's not quite like that. How familiar are you with the Dominant and submissive dynamics?" He asked because that played a huge role on his relationship with Cameron, and he didn't want Adam to compare it to a more romantic kind of situation. "The think all of you fail to understand is that there are feelings I don't know how they feel because I've never felt them. I don't know what love feels like. I don't know what compassion feels like. I don't know what nostalgia feels like. I don't know what they are, that is why I keep saying I don't know if I'm capable of feeling them," he deflated a little at that, "I'm not trying to be evasive and I say I don't want to feel those things, I just don't know what they are," he added with a frown.

Adam listened carefully, nodding along. He was surprised when the subject of Dominance and submissiveness came up, though. "I'm familiar" he said simply, prompting the other.

It was visible how frustrated Freddie seemed to be with the situation and the vampire took a long moment to work out what to say. "The way I see it, love isn't just one feeling." He said, placing his drink to the side to get Freddie's attention "Love is a bundle of emotions. That's why it's so complex and different for everyone, because it's build of different blocks for everyone. Some people's love is built on sex, others have nothing to do with sex at all - that's why it's hard to explain" He smiled "My love for my old fiancée, it burned. Not like a fire, but like liquor. It had lust mixed with happiness and anger and discovery. When I came back, I looked for it, and I couldn't find it. Then, my love for him became a mix of nostalgia, of melancholy, and care. Because I still care deeply about him, but there was no spark left" Adam paused, closing his eyes to access it, a stupid smile on his lips "My love for Devon is built on fun. It's bubbly and soft and sexy and comfortable. It's happiness and change and care and devotion. It's like... the feeling of being fresh out of the shower or the sensation of jumping into a pool on a hot day. It's the silly temporary satisfaction of filling a cup to the brim and not spilling over or finding your favorite shirt in the back of the wardrobe when you've forgotten it exists. It's completely ordinary happenings that make me feel lucky. Because I wasn't looking for it, but this love for Devon found me anyway."

Freddie nodded when Adam said he was familiar with the dynamics, "I've moved into that lifestyle most of the time I've been corporeal and it's the first time I found someone who just fulfills that need and it's someone who's fairly new to it all. I've tried it with new people and experimented people and still Cameron just works for me," he explained without giving details on their roles.

Adam was being more than helpful with the way he explained it, sadly, most of the examples he gave were completely foreign for Freddie but in the end he got what the vampire was trying to explain, "I imagined there was not one definition of what love is or feels like, I just wish there was a way for me to understand it. You, like Cameron and Devon, we're humans once and for most of your lives, which is the thing that differentiate me and my siblings from you and why it's hard. You all grew up and learned through experiences what the feeling are. I was created an adult. My learning process is biased. Technically I'm not supposed to feel positive things and I haven't experienced them until recently, that is why this brain cannot connect the dots to understand the things in feeling," he sighed, "I'm not saying I feel love for Cameron or that I don't. I just don't know what are those things he makes me feel," he shrugged, "I do know I care about him. I want him to be happy, I want him to be safe. I don't like it when he's sad or hurt. I like it when he smiles and when he starts talking nonstop about something he's passionate about, but I don't know what to do with it," he leaned back and looked at the sky setting in the horizon, "I don't want to tell him much about this because I don't want to give him hope and then hurt him if I can't feel what he might expect me to feel. Especially now he has someone who's feelings are reciprocated."

Adam nodded along, careful not to prod "Okay, and what's the issue with it? If he works for you, isn't it good? Isn't it... what you'd hope to find?" He asked with a soft voice, grabbing his thermos again.

He took a long sip of it, sighing when Freddie finished "I understand. And I actually think it's very emotionally mature of you, to care so deeply about his feelings like this" The vampire paused "I'm afraid I'm not some emotion-doctor, who could diagnose you with love or passion or whatever it is you're feeling. But still I'd like to offer you something to think about" he waited until Freddie looked at him. "Words are just definitions. They're made up, and we assign meaning to them. I could write poetry about love, but in the end it is just a four-lettered word" Adam smiled "What I mean, is: you mentioned you're learning about these feelings with Cameron, and he's learning about this lifestyle with you. You can both learn this kind of love - or whatever name you'd like to give it - together. You can even ask him, what he expects from someone who loves him, what they're expected to feel. You can tell him what you feel, however you understand it, and as long as it's an honest and open conversation, there won't be any hopes built to fall. Cameron is many things, but he's not stupid. If you explain it to him, he'll understand. Just as I did."

Freddie hesitated for a moment about the subject, but he found a way to explain it, "Since day one all the times I've had sex with Cameron was in a scene. All of them but the last time. I don't know what that was, but it wasn't a scene, and it wasn't casual sex either and I don't know how I feel about it," he finally said.

He was thankful for Adam's opinion on the way he cared about Cameron's feelings and he smiled a bit sadly when the vampire said he couldn't help him giving him an answer because there wasn't one. "I appreciate that very much," he said with a nod even though he didn't really like the idea of talking to Cameron about this, "I know he's not stupid but he's also not very patient. The only time we had some sort of disagreement was because he pushed me to put a name on the things I was feeling in that moment. I know he was trying to help but if I tell him now about this chaos inside of me, he'll want to help me categorized then and I think it's something I need to do on my own and at my pace," he sighed sadly, "he really doesn't like waiting and I know he will want to try to be patient but I know the wait will still hurt him so maybe it is something I need to figure out on my own before telling him anything."

"And was it something you'd like to have again?" Adam asked simply.

"I'd say to give him a chance, we change, and we learn, so does he. I say that because I saw him leaving Devon's apartment the other day, I'm assuming it was while you were away, and he looked absolutely miserable. When we care about people, we put in extra effort to make sure they're understood." He nodded along "I understand. Either way, it's your decision. But if you think talking it out with anyone could help, you know where to find me."

Freddie frowned and considered it for a moment, "remember when we talked about I've fight and fly instinct? I felt that but I didn't let it win because I knew that if I left in that very moment, Cameron would have been hurt and I promise not to hurt him again if I could help it. So I'm not sure I would want it to happen again," he admitted.

He nodded but didn't vocally agree, "see that's exactly why I'm being careful. He's supposed to be happy with Trevor and not feeling bad because I had to stay away to handle some things," he sighed tiredly, "Thank you, Adam. I really appreciate it, it has helped a lot, it really has, and I don't know how to repay you for this," he smiled.

Adam nodded "It makes sense." He said "If that fight or flight instinct calmed down, thinking about the rest of the encounter, would you want it to happen again?" Adam asked "I say that because that instinct is normal when something is new, but as you get used to it, it goes away. But if the whole thing is something you didn't like, there's no reason to overthink it when you can just go back to your normal sessions, don't you think?"

The comment made Adam chuckle softly and he hid behind his hand "I'm sorry, it's just that.... Frederick, being in a relationship doesn't mean someone is happy all of the time. To go through emotions is... if not human, inherit of the living experience. If he was sad about something, it's because that something mattered to him, and no amount of love in the world can keep you from feeling bad emotions from time to time" He shrugged when Freddie thanked him, asking how to repay him "You're doing your best to keep Cameron safe, his safety matters a lot to Devon, and he matters to me, so... don't mention it, ok? We're good, mate."

Freddie shook his head, "it didn't calm down. I pushed it down but I still feel it when I think about it," he admitted, "I would rather to go back to our usual scenes," he said even if it didn't feel entirely right.

The laugh made him arch a brow, "I know that, not by experience obviously, I just don't want to affect his life that much. It's not fair and it feels wrong," he said not really wanting to get into more detail. Who would've know that talking feelings was so exhausting? He smiled a bit and nodded, "Thank you, Adam, really. You are a really good friend," he said offering his hand for a shake.

The answer he got made him sigh. Baby steps. "Then that's what you do. Try that out and let me know how you feel about it, ok?"

"I'm afraid you can't control how much he lets you affect his life, buddy. That's his choice" the vampire said, then smiled at the thanks, shaking Freddie's hand back "Thanks, man."

Freddie nodded even if he had no intention to give Adam feedback about his next encounter with Cameron, "alright, I'll try it out, thanks."

He huffed at the answer, "I wish I could," he admitted. He nodded and picked his thermos back, "I probably should let you go back to work," he said standing up, "see you around?"

"I know, buddy" he said with a tight smile, then nodded with an actual smile, getting up as well "See you around, Freddie. Take care!"

[antiradqueer]

Supporting (anti-c) paraphiles is the first step in dismantling the radqueer community btw. Being hostile will only further their belief that no one outside their tight-knit community will ever accept them. Showing acceptance and support towards paraphiles will very much decrease the chance of kids getting hurt or groomed.

[atlxolotl]

Dinner in America (2020) dir. Adam Rehmeier

[kaletzz]

[rosesonbreeze]

Open: M/F/NB, Childhood best friend, Ghost from the past, Ex-partner, etc. Muse: Adam Brickman (Oliver Jackson-Cohen FC), 34, Movie Director. Very much Jess Mariano Coded; unstable home, bad boy teenage years, and grew out of his bad habits and became somewhat of a success.

The entire set-up is surprisingly intimate. Roast chicken in the oven. A candlelit dinner in his midst. Two glasses of wine, poured with an anxious tremor. How long had it been since he'd laid eyes on them? How much longer before he could convince them to come over, for a proper dinner? But against all odds, they were here, and after running dry on pleasantries. He finally arrives to the reason why. "I know that this is all out of the blue." When was the last time they even had a conversation? Adam can't remember, but staring at them in this light, he's reminded of those years together. How simple it all was, once upon a time. "But I wanted to do something. Even if it is just dinner. Because my life... It's more-" He laughs, embarrased to be saying it out loud. "My life is so much more than I, or anyone else expected. But you... You believed in me. Believed I could be more. And I don't think-" He sighs, hesitating as he grows wistful staring back at them. "I never thanked you for believing in me. So... Thank you."

[aysekadinfasulyesi]

[marii0444]

Have you ever dreamed with finding love? Just to wake up feeling empty…

This is the Kiss, inverted ;)

This work is based on “The kiss” of Gustav Klimt, and the pair of paintings “Adam” “Eve” of Lucas Cranach.

[daryj]

losing you

feita em: 07.03.2024

obs: qualquer inspiração, credite-me, por favor!

spirit  ✩  port

[frederickkatz]

When we long to feel alive?

TIME: September 28th, 2024 PLACE: The Red Door BETWEEN: Adam ( @adamnvamp ) & Fredrick NOTES: Written on Discord. 

Okay, so maybe Adam was a gossip. But to everyone else's business, he was just there because he wanted a drink, and Devon was busy at his gig downtown anyway. Not because he wanted to scout Freddie on behalf of his brother-in-law to-be. So when he walked inside the Red Door, he didn't think much about it, making a beeline to the bar where he saw Freddie was working, eyes fixed on precisely cutting the tip of the blood bag on his hand. " 'Evening, Freddie" Adam said with a smile sliding onto a stool right in front of him "I didn't know you worked on the weekends"

Freddie wasn’t sure what that heaviness in his chest was. He knew he had been developing feelings. Most of them related to certain fae but he refused to acknowledge them, especially to that said fae who hadn’t texted or called at all. His ego sometimes was bigger than his logical side, so he didn’t call or text either. He even avoided going to the bar just to avoid another confrontation so now he was just focused on his job, but his usual smile wasn’t anywhere to be seen. He had just finished serving two regulars when he sensed a familiar energy and then he heard the voice, “Adam,” he said without turning to look at the vampire, “I do. Lately I’ve been only working from Friday to Sunday,” he explained as he grabbed a glass and served Adam the same blood he had ordered last time, with no intention of making small talk. Especially because he knew the vampire was dating Cameron’s brother and he really didn’t want to think about Cameron cause it made his heart feel like someone was squeezing it.

"Oh, I had no idea. Then again, it makes sense. I'd imagine near the weekend is when it's busier" he commented conversationally, accepting the drink "I had something to ask you, though, if you don't mind me stealing you for a bit" Adam asked, before Freddie turned away "Do you happen to sell magical drinks here? Not necessarily bloody ones. I'm looking for something with quick healing" He said, waiting for Freddie's attention to be picked before throwing in the hook "I ask because I'm going to meet Devon and his brother at the fight club later, we're going to the movies, and I'm afraid the guys might not have time to see the medic witches before we leave in time for the session. Do you have something like that?"

Freddie nodded, not really in the mood for talking more than the necessary. He moved closer when he said he wanted to ask him something and frowned at the question, "we don't sell magical drinks at all," he said right away, confused on why a vampire would need something like that. The mention of Cameron even if it wasn't by name made the pressure in his chest feel heavier, and it got worse when he mentioned a fight club, "what fight club?" He asked with a dark expression in his face. He didn't follow the rest said by Adam cause anger and something else started simmering inside of him, "your boyfriend is in a fucking fight club and you're here so calmed drinking blood and asking for magical drinks? I'm not buying it," he said looking at Adam in the eyes, "Gigi, I'm taking a break," he told the other bartender as he jumped over the bar, "you and I, outside now," he said waking through the crowd, hoping Adam was following, "what the hell is Cameron getting into?" He asked as soon as they both were outside.

At first Adam thought it had worked, when he saw the fury in Freddie's eyes, but by the time he reached the outside he had remembered he was a terrible liar. "I thought you knew" he said, honestly this time "he's been going to the fight club under Dark Night. Supernatural people go there to blow off some steam, because the cage has spells, so their powers don't work during the fight" the vampire paused "You didn't know?"

Freddie held himself back from growling, "Cameron is not exactly great at telling me things," he said in a contained tone. He didn't notice when he started pacing, "How was I supposed to know? I'm not into violence to know about a place like that," he said with an angry look in his face, "Is your boyfriend really part of that nonsense? And you're so damn calmed?"

Adam shrugged "I don't think he's that great at telling things to anyone, I just discovered it because Devon bumped into him there" the vampire shrugged, taking a deep breath and leaning against the brick wall, watching the man pace "Yeah, he is. He goes there a few times a month. I'm calm because... well, because I trust him. He goes there because he likes to fight, and he's good at it, not... for self-destructive reasons" which he was pretty certain were Cam's.

Freddie shook his head when he heard Cameron hadn't actually told anyone about his crazy plans. He stopped pacing and took a deep breath when he noticed the grass under his feet was dying, "can Devon stop him from doing that?" He asked with an unreadable expression, unsure if he even had a say on this. He scoffed, " Yeah that sounds like Cameron is completely opposite of all that. He doesn't seem to be the fighting type and with his powers he might have some advantage but without them," he swallowed hard, suddenly feeling sick at the idea.

The vampire shook his head at the question, noticing the vegetation dying around his feet. "They talked last night, but Cameron isn't the type to listen to his brother" he shrugged "I was actually hoping you could" he added, because if what Devon said was true, Freddie could be one of the couple people in town Cameron actually listened to. "Dev mentioned you both had a fight?"

This time Freddie did growl, it was an unnatural dangerous sound, "he doesn't listen at all. That's the fucking problem..." he grunted and then huffed, "what makes you think he's gonna listen to me. He's not even talking to me," he said frustrated. He glared when Adam said Cameron had said they had a fight, "we didn't have a fight. He started pushing for things that I'm not willing to do and I told him that if he cared so much about feelings he talked about it with someone else. Then he hung up on me and I haven't heard of him until now," he crossed his arms over his chest.

Adam bit back his tongue not to hiss back, the sound bringing some ferocious reaction from him, was it a horsemen thing? "That's a fight, mate" Adam said with an empathetic sigh. "From what Devon told me, he's... I probably shouldn't be saying this, but, he seems pretty sad" he said "Did you try to contact him at all?"

Freddie glared at the vampire when he remarked that it had been a fight, "that's stupid! That can't be a fight. It's a disagreement," he corrected with an annoying voice. All his upsetment melted down when Adam said Cameron seemed sad, "Someone sad doesn't go looking for a fight. He's probably mad at me for not being what he wants me to be," he sighed, "No. He's mad at me and honestly I don't wanna hear him trying to make me understand the emotions I'm going through. Stupid mortal vessel with stupid mortal emotions," he grumbled.

Adam shrugged, unfazed by his glaring. He had seen Gilmore's disappointed glare before, no look would scare him more. "That's what a fight is. A disagreement where at least one of the parties ends up hurt and consequences follow" The vampire shrugged when Freddie said Cam was mad, doing the exact same thing the fae has done, apparently "I'd think his brother would be a good judge as to how he was feeling, but that's just second hand information, because I wasn't there, so I really can't say" he said, always the polite one. The last comment made him frown a bit "Did you... You didn't happen to have come from the void, did you?"

Freddie rolled his eyes in annoyance, "well I'm sorry, this whole thing is new to me and that is exactly why I don't get involved with stubborn creatures," he said sarcastically. His expression sobered when Adam pointed out that he had done exactly what Cameron had done with him. Trying to say he knew what the other was feeling. "No. I've never been dead. I just spent a lot of time without a vessel. A little over a thousand years. This vessel is pretty new. I've had it for two hundred years or so," he explained, "emotions and feelings take a while to settle in and it's hard to identify them cause it's been too long. Cameron keeps pushing trying to put a name on the things he thinks I'm feeling," he said with a frustrated sigh.

Adam hummed when he spoke "I suppose it's different then. I've trained for about seven years in the void, back when I worked for your brother. Proportionally to the lifespan of a human, I'd suppose it's a long time" he mused, giving Freddie enough time to absorb the information "It was almost a year until I could even taste food properly when I got back. I couldn't really feel anything. Have you tried spicy shrimp? I've lived off of those for months" Adam joked, running his fingers through his hair "If you don't mind me asking, why don't you want to name what you're feeling?"

"Wait! You were one of Gils' reapers?" he asked confused. He chuckled and shook his head, "It's definitively not the same. Physical sensations and feelings come back almost right away for us. As soon as we get into the vessel we start feeling those and they're easy to discern and understand, it's the emotional intangible stuff what's annoying and confusing," he complained. "It's not that I don't want to name them, I'm trying to understand them and it's hard and I feel like Cameron wants to name them without actually knowing what I'm feeling. He tends to assume, and I think he might be wanting me to feel certain things... That is exactly why I never got close to anyone, at least in the past two hundred years, but there's something about that damn fae that is driving me insane and it's already a struggle without him trying to put a name on the thing," he blurted out frustrated.

"Yup" he said "For me they both came back at the same rate, but feelings were easier to name than proper emotions." Adam paused "Cameron is... many things, yes, and please never tell him I said this, but he has the heart in the right place." He said calmly "He usually goes these wrong and twisted ways, but most of the time he's really just trying to help." Adam paused, so Freddie could absorb his words "Feelings are scary though, uncontrollable. What do you think Cameron wants you to be feeling, Freddie?"

“Well now that’s unexpected, how’s that you even ended up a vampire then?” he asked confused cause he wasn’t sure reapers could be turned into something else. He listened and nodded cause he had noticed Cameron meant well with his actions but he was just so rushed that he didn’t really stopped to consider others much or if they wanted to be helped at all, “I don’t want his help,” he said seriously, “I tried to tell him that, I tried to make him stop, I asked him to and he kept pushing so I had enough,” he said with a deep sigh, “I’m not scared about feelings, I don’t wanna feel them but I know I can’t help it, I just don’t want to be rushed,” he pointed simply, “I think he thinks this is more than it is. I was very clear with him that this is just sex, and he was ok with it, but I think the fact that he’s getting attached to the other person he's seeing might be affecting this between us cause he might want the same form me and I can’t give him that. If he wants love and that stuff, he can have it with that other person, not me, and he knew that from day one so it’s very annoying he’s making a big deal about my emotions or my lack of them right now.”

"I... was fired" he shrugged, then added "Which was completely my fault, by the way, no hard feelings towards Gilmore. But since I was dying when I was hired, I was put back in that state, a friend of mine who was a vampire saw me dying and turned me"

Adam listened before speaking "Did he ask it of you? To feel things for him?" He asked confused, because Cameron didn't seem like the type who would beg someone for attention. At least not knowingly.

Freddie winced, “Whatever you might’ve done to get fired must really have pissed Gil enough to send you back to that state. I guess it was good your friend was around,” he said with a sympathetic smile.

He frowned, “Not exactly, not with that many words but he kept on pushing for me to say that I care about him, which is annoying because I’ve told him that before and I’ve done things to show him that I care but I don’t know why he’s been so insisting on it now… maybe this whole thing was a bad idea. It’s probably best for us both to call everything off.”

Adam nodded, with a smile "It was deserved. I kept tabs on Devon's life book, so I could make sure he didn't die. Because... well, because I had fallen in love with him. So it was worth it."

"But do you want to? Call it off?" He asked, then sighed, giving him some time "You know, people say that what differentiates humans from other beings is that we have smart thinking. We solve problems and communicate but... there's a single experience that is just intrinsically human, to me - and I'm telling you think because I'm assuming it doesn't happen to you" The vampire said in a kind tone "We question things. Which is good, from a developmental view point, helped technology grow and such, but... we also question ourselves. Our own thinking. We question how we perceive things, we question if things happened the way we think they did, we question how we feel and why we feel things... and that happens so sometimes we need to be reminded of things, even if they were said before. Our memory is selective, we were not made to live hundreds of thousands of years like you, so sometimes our brain chooses to believe one thing over another, and if we don't get confirmation, it's overwritten."

Freddie huffed, "You risked your life for love?" He asked incredulously, "I just don't understand all those sacrifices for love. It just doesn't make sense," he admitted.

Freddie considered it for a moment, "I'm not gonna lie and say things with Cameron aren't amazing but if the price to keep doing it is to change it for his emotional comfort, I think it's better to change it than hurt him cause I'm not able to give him what he wants," he said simply. "But you know what's funny? We're not humans. You and Cameron aren't humans anymore and I've never been. You two are still holding to your loss humanity and that's why you keep questioning things. I don't work like that. I say and do the things I mean, and I don't like to be questioned about it."

Adam chuckled at the reaction of the horseman "It wasn't sacrifice, it was an investment" he said with a soft smile "Devon made my chest feel so full, experience such bliss, that-" he chuckled almost embarrassedly "That I was too selfish to give it away. I wanted to keep that joy in my life, that... peace that came from knowing he was okay. That he was happy and safe."

"You didn't answer the question, Freddie" Adam said softly "You just said you put his emotional well-being over what you want. It sounds a bit of a sacrifice to me, doesn't it?" It was almost a tease, but Adam made sure to show he wasn't pushing and didn't mean much by it. "Oh, but I wasn't trying to say you are like us, I was simply showing you how our minds work. It's not that we're holding onto humanity, it's that we've been humans for most of our time on earth. That's how we learned to be, to behave." He shrugged "You don't like to be questioned, he needs to make those questions, which shouldn't work. Why do you keep him around, then?"

Freddie arched a brow, “If your friend hadn’t been there you would’ve died. You didn’t know you were gonna get away with it and yet you risked all those marvelous things he gave you and the worst part is that you wouldn’t have been able to stop him from dying if your friend hadn’t turned you… it sounds kinda stupid. You got lucky It worked out, but that’s not how it always goes,” he said cynically, “I see one of my siblings in a darker place than their own existence ever gave them just because they let themselves feel something for someone, now they’re in a worse state than they were before. How is that worth it?” he asked simply.

He rolled his eyes, “It’s not a sacrifice, it’s just sex and I can get it anywhere else,” he said simply as if he was convinced of that statement. “The sooner you let go to that lingering humanity, the easier it’ll be. I actually kinda get it, I’m the other way around, I’m supposed to learn to be more human while you and him and everyone who started as human need to learn to be less human,” he pointed, “I kept him around cause I thought he understood what this was. He agreed with our arrangement. Hell! He even said it was better for him if this was just sex and now he's pushing for more so you’re right, maybe it’s better to end this,” he agreed, “it’s not like either of us are unable to find someone else to fuck,” he said simply with a shrug.

Adam laughed at that accusation "Yeah, I did get very lucky. It was still very worth it. You see, I almost died in the first place because of someone I loved" he said "And then I became a reaper so he could know I didn't blame him, so he wouldn't be in pain. And then I died again, because of someone I love. And I'd die a thousand times over, if it was for the hope that I could keep someone I love from suffering." He paused "What do you have to show for, Freddie? Without ever loving someone. Why walk around the Earth, if you don't establish one single connection? Is the sex enough for you?"

The vampire listened attentively as Freddie piled on lies even Adam could see through. "Then you really should end it, and I'll get out of your hair" he said, making a move to leave, then stopping on his tracks and turning back "Although, I'd like to make you one last question before I do, if that's okay. You never answered my question, and that's fine, I respect it, you don't have to answer anything you don't want to." He said softly, raising his hands to show he wasn't pushing "I'd just like to know though" Adam pointed at the floor "Why are those flowers dead?"

Freddie rolled his eyes, “dude you died twice for love and I’m sorry but that’s the stupidest thing I’ve heard so far… it’s cool and all, but don’t assume everyone is so selfless or care that much. That’s not the norm and no one should aspire to die for love. Are you supposed to live for love? It just makes absolutely no sense,” he said annoyed. “I’m only here cause being non corporeal had turned stupidly boring, so I decided to give this human game a try but honestly, the expectations are too annoying and I’m not gonna trade a life of imprisonment for duty for another one for feelings,” he pointed, “it is. It has been for the las two hundred years so no reason to complicate my temporary existence here for anyone.”

“I’m pretty sure it’s over already,” he shrugged. He huffed cause he had just told Adam he didn’t like to be questioned and here he was, questioning him. He arched a brow and looked at the dead grass and flowers around him, “Because sometimes I lose control of my powers when someone upsets me. So don’t think too hard on that, it happens more often than you imagine when my siblings are around,” he said simply walking back to the door to the club, “If you need magical potions for healing you need to look for a witch, not on clubs, keep that in mind in case that idiot decides to keep ignoring the magical aid you say they give in that stupid club. And for the record, Nephilim are healers so I’m sure Cameron will be alright. Now I have to go back to work. Have a nice night Adam,” he said without looking back as he returned to the bar.

[antiradqueer]

I'm a zoophile (anti-c Obviously) & the whole "Pro-para means pro-c!!!" shit prats say is Genuinely infuriating. And also disgusting. Like, I have never opened up about this to anyone except 1 person BECAUSE the fear of being outcasted, and while I am openly a paraphile & pro-acceptance of anti-c paraphiles on my blog I never specify which BECAUSE I don't want these freaks interacting with me (& also outcasting). I could honestly write an entire rant how prats aren't pro-para & are instead anti-para, because isn't pro-para Supporting people healing from paraphilic disorders, accepting that we aren't horrible people for attractions we can't help and RECOGNIZING THAT ATTRACTION ISN'T ACTING ON IT???

Prats really went full circle from “attraction =/= action” -> “well action isn’t bad” -> “you should act on attraction or you’re anti-para”.

I myself actually have a paraphilia that could be harmful if acted upon (though I prefer not to say what it is for similar reasons), and you are fully welcome here anon. Prats can pretend they’re pro-para, but guilt-tripping paraphiles by telling them they must be self hating if they don’t act on their attraction will always be anti-para.

[kalopcia]

[ps9000]

Fun game: Turn existing characters into lil ocs and add em to your Paracosm

[kimmkitsuragi]

i will make one of my friends click the decline button i cant do that myself

[tcetvel]

Selam bugün öğrendiklerim:

-istanbulun herhangi bi yerinden 39 dkda 216 tane beyaz taşıt geçebilir

-telefonunuzu otobüste unutmak travmatik ve üşütücü

[catootjesmuses]

When Samantha woke up, she noticed the shower was running. Smiling, she undressed herself to join him for a fun morning shower. "Morning love. Mind if I join?" She chuckled softly, wrapping her arms around him and kissing his skin. "How did you sleep?"

@protectxthem

[ebubekiracar]