#PLEASE LET MY PRAYERS BE TRUE PLEASEEEE

[martinsorbit]

HELLO?????? HELLOOOOO???? CAN ANYBODY HEAR ME????

[lovely-stalker]

Hey My Nobody

It's been a while writing here. I know you've been in your province for a long time, coz I'm still checking your twitter even if I deleted my soc med. (sneaking out in my google opening up twitter)

You know what, I don't know when... pero nagising na lang ako na magaan na pakiramdam ko. I'm happy that I'm feeling that, but I feel guilty na feeling ko it's too early. I thought It gonna take me a year/s to accept this kasi di ko maimagine yung sakit, di ko din madescribe nung nafeel ko before. I'm not gonna lie, I miss you but the difference right now, I can handle it.

I'm worried about you. I have feeling that you're feeling lost right now. I hate you for doing this to yourself. Reading your blog, made me feel guilty and alam mo ung biglang kumirot. I wanna save you from this, but I just realize ikaw lang makaka-save sa sarili mo.

Honestly, I don't want you doing this anymore. Please don't look back, you'll gonna make yourself hurt or even other people. Just go forward for now. Work on that future you want for yourself. you're strong! don't let this happening affect you. You can and you will.

Goodluck sa new home niyo. Think it as a new beginning for you. You have to refresh yourself and feel this new beginning for you. I'm really sorry, I won't be coming home for a while. Maybe next year or maybe not anymore. I still want to see you but, I don't think it's time. I'm always praying for your peace and true happiness.

I have also good news, I've been promoted, actually more like increase. Sobrang daming goodnews yung dumadating and napapa-thank you Lord na lang talaga ko. My company also agreed to give us compensation base sa mga projects we have/ had. So, yes. I totally doing great sa job ko. Currently, they working on my new contract for another 2 years again(30 na ko nun). Also, I'm done with my 2nd dose last 16th of May. Thank you for all your prayers. I owe you a lot sa part na yan.

Also, I just want to let you know (ikaw yung una), I'm interested to this girl. she's 26, also engineer. first time having someone with common thing. I still dont know if this will work it out but yeah, I will try. Sa ugali, para siyang carbon copy ko. I don't know if thats a good thing or not. Anyway, I will still try if love still works for me.

I feel bad for your someone that you're coming here for me, Please stop. You know how loyal and faithful I am. I don't want to break it. I hope you understand that. Maybe someday, when we're both free. I still look forward to marry you. (if you know how much I want to hold your hands and kiss you on your forehead while saying this)

Goodbye my love, Take care of yourself pleaseeee. I'm always here watching you.

Thank you for always worrying about me. I really appreciate it.

Please be happy. I just want you to be Happy kahit hindi na ako yung nagpapasaya sayo.

[simplymiles]

 Nakakatuwa kung paano ko unti-unting nakikita yung bunga ng matagal ko na ipinapanalangin kay Lord. I’ve waited years pero ngayon na natutupad na, parang napaka-ikli lang ng panahon ng paghihintay ko. Looking back, I could really say na God was preparing me for this blessing, far greater than I have ever thought of or imagined. 

Siguro yung waiting period ko, nahati sa two parts - yung first part is yung super bitter part ko at yung sobrang atat na atat ako at ayoko na maghintay and yung second part is yung naging completely dependent na ako kay Lord. 

Yung first part ng waiting period ko kasi was very tough. Sobrang hirap, sobrang sakit, to the point na nag-self pity na ako. Yung iniisip ko na lang na lagi na lang ako nasasaktan, lagi na lang ganito yung nangyayari sa akin, kelan ba matatapos ‘to? Yung tipong uupo na lang ako sa isang sulok, pipikit, hinahampas ko ng makapal na libro yung ulo ko sabay sinasabi ko sa sarili ko “Ang tanga tanga tanga mo kasi!” - “Ayoko na ng ganito!” - “Gusto ko na ‘to tapusin!” “Kunin mo na ko Lord pleaseeee!” 

I HATE IT. I HATED MYSELF. I HATED MY ATTITUDE.  Alam ko naman na mali ako, pero dahil sa “kawawa” nga ako, hindi ko pinansin yung mga faults ko and I just kept blaming everyone, including God. Lagi ko sinasabi na “Lord kailangan ko ba ‘to paulit-ulit na pagdaanan?” Lord, kelan ba yung happy ending ko?” “Lord, patawarin Mo ako, alam ko na mali ako at yung mga decision ko. Lord can I just be happy?” 

Laging ganun yung questions, laging ganun yung prayer ko. Laging “ako, ako, ako, AKO! Laging ako yung kawawa, laging ako yung malungkot, laging ako yung iniiwan, lagi akong ipinagpapalit. What’s wrong with me? Am I not cut out for this? (Maybe, if talagang nagbabasa ka ng mga blogs ko or nadadaanan mo lang, siguro nababasa mo yung mga ka-dramahan ko sa blogs ko! hehehehe)  May mga pa-last love letter ek ek pa ko ... ang drama talaga! HAHAHHAA, pero I never regretted writing those, kasi that’s how I felt at the moment ... and sa totoo lang I wanted to remember those moments, to remind myself always of how far God has taken me. 

Pero paano nga ba ako naka move on sa 2nd part ng waiting period?  Paano ko ba tinanggap? How did I learn to let go and just let God do His thing? 

Sa totoo lang? Hindi naging madali .... HINDI MADALI. Lalo na pag dadating yung mga times na masasaktan ako . . . matagal ako maka move on! Pero paano nga ba nawala yung victim mentality? Paano nga ba nawala yung self-pity? Paano ba ko nakawala sa part 1? 

I started moving on and feeling a lot better about myself when I focused on other’s needs rather than myself. When I focused more on God’s heart and His plans for my life rather than my personal plans. I focused on God. Alam nyo yung Love God, Love People? Magkapartner pala talaga yun ... hindi naman sinabi ni Lord na Love God, Yourself and Other People ... He just said, Love God and Love People. "Love your neighbor as you love yourself.” - Matthew 22:39 Do you know why He said that? Kasi yang self-love? Hindi naman talaga yan nawawala sa atin, it’s innate, it’s our nature that we love ourselves. Kahit na malungkot ka, kahit na depressed ka . . . hindi nawawala yung pagmamahal sa sarili. I remember nung nasa depressive state ako and I was always suicidal . . . naalala ko yung mga reasons ko kung bakit gusto ko na mawala ... kasi naawa na ako sa mga magulang ko, hindi KO kaya na makita sila na nahihirapan DAHIL SA AKIN. AYAW KO na maramdaman yung ganitong sakit, ayaw KO na malungkot. I wanted to end it because I didn’t want to feel. I wasn’t really concerned about them . . . I was concerned about myself. I didn’t want to feel pain, I wanted to cheat the troubled times and end it all ... pero napakabuti ni Lord kasi hindi Niya ako pinabayaan regardless of how selfish I was. I remember yung preaching ng ate ako a few years back, and I would never forget what she said; “The more we focus on our pain, the more we focus on our problems and our wants, the more we lose our focus on God.” 

OUCH! SO TRUE! Mas namamagnify yung problems kesa si Lord. 

When I started to actually pray for others who hurt me, when I started praying for my dad and my kids, when I started praying for the church, when I started to pray for our ministry, when I started to pray for others . . . that’s when I lost focus on myself and truly focused on God’s heart. Unti-unti ko ng hindi naiisip yung problema ko, kasi mas focused ako kung paano ko matutulungan si Daddy, kung paano ako mas magiging mabuting ina sa mga anak ko, kung paano ako magiging mabuting kaibigan sa mga taong kakakilala ko lang, kung paano ako makakatulong sa church, kung paano ako makakatulong sa mga outreaches. Nung nawala yung selfishness ko, nawala din yung pagka bitter ng puso ko, nawala din yung pagsself-pity ko . . . and for the first time in my life I was actually free. I was actually happy. Masaya ako kahit na nasaktan ako nung taong mahal ko. Ayoko na sana ikwento e, pero it’s an essential part of the story. Eto yung part 2. I was also so focused on him. Masyadong mataas yung expectation ko sa kanya and I forgot na tao lang pala siya. He is capable of mistakes. Hindi siya perfect. Only God is perfect. I was always so scared of losing him kaya hindi ko siya hinahayaan, hindi ko siya pakawalan, kasi madami ng beses na muntik na siya mawala sa akin. Always “fear.” Fear of losing him, fear of having to tell my children again na, “hindi nagwork out” fear or being single for the rest of my life . . . 

but then . . . I remembered why I fell in love with him in the first place *flashback* to the day after ng 3-day encounter nila. He was the first to go through the process kasi I just had Gab and I wasn’t sure if makaka-daan pa ko sa process . . . so sabi ko siya na mauna. He texted me right away and he was testifying about how He was revived and how he truly encountered God. And I was so happy for him kasi talagang na-revive siya. Then before we ended our conversation he asked me “Mahal mo ba ako?” so ako naman, sumagot ... “Oo” then he said, “Ako din, mahal kita, pero gusto ko malaman mo na mas mahal ko si Lord kesa sayo. At dapat ikaw din, mahal mo ako pero dapat mas mahal mo si Lord kesa sa akin.” (I could prove this, I saved his messages, hehe) pfftttt *MINDBLOWN* ... I mean, si Eymard nasabi yun? Siya ba talaga yun? Yung gangster ng daang bakal biglang ganun na magsalita? Totoo ba??? But then, after he said that I was happy, and that’s how I knew that he was the man that I wanted to marry. I just wanted someone who loves God just as much as I do. I want someone who loves serving God as much as I do, who doesn’t mind if I stay in church or go to the mountains to preach the Word of God because he loves doing it as much as I do. That’s when I knew, that’s when I started praying for marriage. (Siya lang yung pinagpray ko out of all my relationships at sa kaniya lang ako nagkadesire magpakasal)  *movingforward* isang malaking revelation sa akin yung sinabi nya na yun, na dapat mas mahal ko si Lord. kasi mahirap man aminin, dumating yung time na naging super focused ako sa kanya kesa kay Lord. I was so wrapped up on this marriage thing that I forgot na si Lord pala dapat yung pini-please, hindi siya. Kaya pala ako lagi nasasaktan, kaya hindi ako makamove on because of that stupid expectation na never ever sya magkakamali, at never ever nya tatangkain na saktan ako. Tama pala siya, what he said was prophetic “Dapat mas mahal natin si Lord kaysa sa isa’t-isa.”

And that’s why sa pinakahuling pagkakataon na nagkamali ulit siya ... I said, what hec, it’s ok. I forgive you pero it’s over. It’s over for me, it’s over for us .. I’m done fighting and I’m just gonna let God and focus on Him. I lost my focus again when that happened pero, I didn’t lose myself. I didn’t lose my joy. Unlike before that I would completely lose it. (as in back to zero - walwal, iyak, depressed) But when it happened again, there was a change in me. I felt it. (Ang daming again diba? Ayaw ko na i-detail, basta yun na yun! hahaha) 

I forgave him. I prayed for him. I sincerely prayed for him. Asking God to bless him whatever his choice may be. I prayed that God would give him direction, I prayed that God would bless him and give him favor in his work or chosen career.  I promised God that I would only speak blessings to him and about him. I sincerely prayed for his happiness, even if I wasn’t his choice. Then, I told God na “it’s okay Lord if we don’t end up together, I will still serve you. Like I said before in my youth, I will serve you no matter what the cost. Maging single man ako for life, hindi man maging kami forever, it’s ok. You are more than enough.”

 Then I moved on and hinayaan ko na si Lord. Then I continued being a daughter, a mom, a school admin, an outreach program director, an adviser to the youth . . . I continued . . . Hinayaan ko na, I said my peace, I said goodbye. 

And you know what ... after months ... he found his way back to me. And after a year, he proposed. And next year, we’re getting married. Ang galing ni Lord no? All the glory belongs to Him alone!

Parang ang layo na ata nung kwento ko ah! hahahahaha ... pero if you’re like me, and you’re praying for something and God is making you wait, just be patient and enjoy the journey. Get the most out of it. Grow through what you go through. And remember, if God’s making you wait, be prepared to receive more than what you asked for. 

‘til my next blog! :)