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lindseyluvsdrag · 7 years ago

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Knocked Up Ch. 15

TW: Smut, Possible character death

Thank you @xximagoddamnmermaidxx for being the thottiest beta ever

Violet continued to sob from the backseat of Naomi’s car as she shoved another forkful of cake into her mouth.

“Vi, you’re eating therefore you can’t still be upset,” Raven said.

“I can’t stop cryinggg,” she sniffled. “My baby’s grandmother is an asshole and I don’t know who this Shea person isss.”

“Probably an ex-girlfriend she brought up just to bother you,” Naomi offered.

“But did you see how Matthew tried to shut her uppppp? What do you think he’s hidingggg?”

“STDs and a ton of debt,” Raven said. “You honestly need to get out while you can.”

“That’s not fairrrr,” Violet wailed. “You guys are fucking with no strings or babies attacheddd.”

Raven awkwardly cleared her throat and Naomi kept her eyes intently focused on the road as she continued to drive.

“I wa-wa-want more frostinggggg,” Violet sobbed uncontrollably as she grabbed her phone and called her boyfriend.

“Hello?”

“Matthew?” she sniffled. “Are you home?”

“No. What’s wrong?”

“Can you stop by the store and pick up some frostinggg?”

“Sure. What kind of frosting?”

“Chocolate buttercreammmm.”

“Okay.”

“And I want pickles toooo.”

“Alright.”

“Thank you, honey,” Violet said as she watched Raven grab Naomi’s free hand and kiss the back of it. “No!” she exploded. “You guys aren’t allowed to be so affectionate when I’m upsetttt. Matthew, pick me up, please.”

“Seriously, Vi?” Naomi replied.

“Pull over!”

To avoid the wrath of the pregnant woman, Naomi obliged and pulled up to the curb. Violet struggled to hop out of the car but when she did, Raven followed suit.

“What’s your problem?” she demanded.

“You’re my problem! I want fucking hugs and kisses tooooo,” Violet wailed.

“Aww, I’ll give you hugs and kisses,” Raven offered as she attempted the embrace the woman.

Violet pushed her away. “I don’t want them from youuuu!” She returned her phone to her ear. “Matthew, pick me up from 15th and North, pleaseee.”

“Okay, okay, babe calm down. I’m on my way.”

“Okay,” she sniffled before hanging up.

—

“We have to go,” Matt told his mother.

“But we haven’t even finished our dinner yet, let the alone dessert.”

“I know, but Violet needs me to pick her up. We’ll get to-go boxes.”

“Alright,” Susan sighed. “Check please.”

—

“Violet, you’re fine,” Naomi cooed. She had finally managed to get the woman’s sobs reduced to whines and whimpers.

“I know. I’m just tired and I really want Matthewwww. I feel like I barely saw him today. He missed half of our baby shower,” she sniffled. “And seeing you guys be all lovey-dovey just set me off. I’m sorry.”

“Awww,” her friends said collectively as they hugged her.

Matt pulled up to the curb and exited the car. “Are you okay?”

“Yesss,” she sniffled. “I wanna go home.”

“Come on.” The man guided his girlfriend into the passenger seat of the car and when she saw Susan in the backseat, she instantly put on a tough facade. “What are you doing here? Is Matthew taking you to your hotel?”

“How rude can you be? I think ‘hello’ would’ve sufficed.”

“You crashed my party, you called me irrelevant and you’re in my car without my permission. You’re definitely not getting anything else from me.”

“Then you’re going to be quite uncomfortable when I spend the entire weekend at your house.”

After thanking Raven and Naomi, Matt climbed into the driver’s seat. “Hey, ladies,” he chirped before his smile morphed into concern for his life over the glare that Violet was giving him. “What?”

“She’s staying at my house?” Violet asked through a clenched jaw.

“No. She’s staying at our house,” he corrected.

“You didn’t ask my permission!”

“I’m a grown man, I don’t need your permission,” Matt retorted. “I pay half of the bills, I’ve sunk nearly $1200 into creating your dream nursery and not to mention how much I’m paying for that closet sized apartment where you store your winter clothes. Don’t even get me started on asking for permission.”

Violet’s bottom lip quivered but she suppressed her tears as she sat back in her seat.

“Do you still want the pickles and frosting?” he asked.

The woman didn’t respond.

“So you’re ignoring me again?”

Violet folded her arms and turned to glare out of the window.

“Okay,” Matt said as he made a sharp right turn towards Burger King. The man pulled up to the drive-thru.

“Welcome to Burger King, what can I get for you?”

“I’d like a chocolate Oreo shake…” he glanced at Violet who quickly turned away when he caught her gazing at the menu. “And a double bacon cheeseburger with extra bacon.”

“Will that be all?”

“No, I think I’ll also have the Lucky Charms shake..”

“Lucky Charms shake?” Violet whimpered.

“What was that, babe?” Matt asked.

The woman quickly returned to silent mode.

“Alrightttt, but they have Oreo cheesecake.”

She ignored him.

“Will that be all?”

“Yeah,” he sighed.

“That’ll be $2-”

“I want a Snickers pie!” Violet blurted out to Matt’s amusement.

“I knew you couldn’t resist,” he replied as he pulled up to the next window and paid. The man grabbed the food, bolted home and as soon as she crossed the threshold, Violet kicked off her shoes, secured her pie and raced to the kitchen.

Her boyfriend was hot on her heels. “Hey, you don’t get to snatch the food that I bought without saying thank you.”

The woman continued to ignore him as she retrieved her peanut butter and relish as a pickle substitute.

“Violet, I live here too. If my mother wants to stay here for a weekend, she can with no questions asked. If it was your family, you’d do the exact same thing.”

“Bullshit,” she snapped back. “My family knows that my home is my temple so they volunteer to stay at hotels. And it’s not even completely about her staying here, it’s also about you not asking or telling me beforehand.”

“Well-”

“Oh God, her shoes better be off,” Violet hissed as she returned to the living room to find Susan’s Skechers pacing the living room floor. “You need to take your shoes off. Now,” she ordered.

“Why? Did I step in dog shit?” Susan lifted her leg to check the bottom of her shoe and discovered gum instead.

Violet screeched. “Take them off!”

“Now, see here, Miss Magazine. You’re not going to speak to me that way!”

Matt swiftly intervened. “Mom, it’s a house rule that we take our shoes off and bag them.”

“And that’s fine, but she’s not going to yell at me.”

The man glanced between both women. “Cool? Everyone chill out.”

Violet snarled as she turned and stormed away. Matt followed her, and when he saw the food being tossed to the kitchen counter, he knew it was serious.

“What are you doing?”

The woman attempted to keep her breathing steady as she pulled out her hazmat suit.

“Babe, seriously? It’s not that bad and… I’m not even going to waste my breath.”

“Good!” she fumed. “I don’t wanna hear your fucking voice! You don’t care about my feelings or the house rules!”

“That’s bullshit,” he retorted.

“No, you’re bullshit! Just get the fuck away from me, Matthew or I swear to God I’ll- I’ll- ugh! Go away!” she shouted so loudly that he was positive that people in Thailand could hear her.

Fearful that the vein in the woman’s neck would burst, Matt decided to cut his losses and oblige. He retrieved a plastic bag for his mother’s shoes before tucking her luggage into the closet as well. “We’ll figure out the sleeping arrangement later. In the meantime, I want to show you the nursery.”

While Matt led his mother to the baby’s room, Violet prepared for war.

Susan opened the door to the nursery and gasped. “Awww, Mattyyy! It’s beautifullll.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes!”

“It’s still a work in progress. I plan on putting a rocking chair in that corner over there and a bin for toys here.”

“I love it.”

—

“Stupid bitch and her stupider son,” Violet grumbled as she doused the floor in chemicals.

—

“Aww, the onesiesss. Matty, I remember when you were this sizeee. You were the sweetest little baby.”

—

“Disgusting LA trash,” she said as she scrubbed.

—

“Hopefully Junior will be the same.”

“Have you decided to name him after you?”

“I actually don’t know.”

—

“I hope his dick falls off.”

—

“I love the name Cornelius,” Susan admitted.

Matt awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m not sure about that one.”

—

“No, wait. I take the dick comment back. I still need it.”

—

“What about Dante after your Uncle Dante.”

Matt wrinkled his nose. “Uncle Dante smells like moldy oranges.”

“Ugh, you’re right he does.”

—

“Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!”

Matt rushed out of the nursery and immediately began to choke on the fumes. “Violet, what the hell-” he wheezed out. “What are you doing?!”

“What the fuck does it look like?! She had gum on the bottom of her shoe!”

“Okay, but this going way too far! I can’t even-” the man began to cough.

“Stop being such a baby. I’m almost done.”

After a few more minutes of scrubbing and mixing chemicals that had no business being mixed, Violet neutralized the cleaners and her sanitation process was complete.

“Crack open a window,” Susan said as she fanned the air in front of her face.

“Pfff, it smells like clean linen,” Violet said as she removed her hazmat mask.

“Are you done?” Matt asked.

“Are you done?!” Violet snapped back.

The man dropped it. “So, Mom liked the nursery.”

Violet didn’t respond to the man as she undid the suit completely and returned it to its place in the closet. She then grabbed her food, sauntered to her bedroom and slammed the door behind her.

—

Matt and his mother spent the rest of the evening talking and bonding over Monopoly until the woman fell asleep on the air mattress the man had provided for her.

His heart pounded as he paced the nursery and stared at his phone with the familiar number printed across the screen. He took a deep breath and pressed the little green icon before placing the device to his ear.

“Hello?” the woman answered.

“Shea… it’s Matt.”

—

“Yes…yes…yes,” Violet moaned into her sleep. “Ahh, fuckkk-” she gasped as she woke. The woman immediately swallowed her pride and went to search for her boyfriend. “Matthewww?” she called as she crept through the dark apartment. When she saw that the nursery was illuminated she made her way into the room.

“Ughh,” Matt stammered when he saw the pregnant woman. “I’ll call you back,” he rushed as he hung up.

“What are you doing?”

“Nothing. You? Why are you up?”

Violet pulled him into a passionate kiss, wrapping her arms around his head while her leg pried his legs open. “Oh,” he panted against her lips. “That’s why you’re up.” Violet pushed the man into the seat and undid the belt buckle before straddling him. Matt grabbed her wrists to stop her. “Are you still mad at me?”

“Matthew, pleaseeee.”

“Answer the question,” he demanded.

“No, I’m not mad.”

“Are you still going to give me the silent treatment?”

“No.”

“Promise?”

“Mmhmm.”

Matt released his hold on the woman’s wrists and it only made her want him more. Within moments, the couple was in the throes of so much passion that the man had to cover Violet’s mouth. “Ssshhh, you’ll wake my Mom.”

Violet pulled her head away from his hand. “Matthew, shut up,” she demanded. “I’m close.”

The man reached around and stroked the woman’s clit while she bounced on his cock. “Fuck!” Violet purposefully moaned out. “It feels so good!”

“Matty?” a groggy voice called.

“Shit,” the man said as he panicked. He attempted to stand but Violet pinned him to the chair as she continued.

“Don’t you dare stop,” she snarled.

“Matty?”

“He’s busy!”

“Matty, I just got off the phone with Shea. She said that you hung up on her?”

Violet’s riding slowed to a stop. “You were on the phone with your ex?”

Matt’s stammering quickly made the woman pull away and self-consciously close her robe. “Are you cheating on me?” she asked in a broken voice.

“No, babe. Of course not,” Matt said as he pulled up his pants.

“Then why were you on the phone with your ex?! Was that why you hung up the fucking phone so quickly when I came in here?!”

“Violet, let me explain.”

“Then explain!” she shrieked.

“Okay. So Shea… I…we-”

“Spit it out or I’ll choke it out of you!”

“Don’t you dare threaten my son, Miss Magazine!” Susan shouted from the hallway.

“Shut the fuck up, Susan!” Violet retorted. “Nobody’s fucking talking to you!”

Before Matt could de-escalate the situation, his mother burst into the room. “Well, I’m talking to you and you will not speak to my son like that! You need to respect him! You see Matthew, this is why I love Shea. At least your wife has respect for you!”

The pregnant woman went pale in the face. “W-Wife? You’re married?!”

“Violet, I was going to tell you. I-” Matt was cut off by the woman’s hand slapping him across the face. She stormed out of the nursery, into the living room and grabbed her car keys.

“Baby, wait,” Matt pleaded. “You’re in nothing but a robe, where are you going? I-” he got out before he dodged the vase that she lobbed at his head. The ceramic hit the wall and shattered into multiple pieces while Violet recklessly slammed the front door upon her exit.

—

Raven plunged her fingers in and out of Naomi as her lover moaned.

“Almost,” she whimpered.

Raven continued to work her fingers while she stretched upward to kiss the other woman’s neck.

“That feels amazingggg.”

“I love you,” Raven whispered against her skin and she immediately felt her lover become tense.

“Um.. thank you,” was all Naomi could say and she internally kicked herself for it.

Raven pulled away. “Thank you,” she breathlessly repeated.

“Raven, you know I love you.”

“No, you don’t. At least, not the way I love you.”

Naomi sat up. “And how do love me?”

“I love you so much that I’d throw away all my Versace if you asked me to right now.”

The woman’s eyebrows shot up in surprise as Raven continued to speak.

“I love you so much, that seeing your toothbrush on my counter makes me so happy, ugh, you have no idea.”

Naomi giggled.

“I fucking love you so much, that when I came across this bad ass the other day… I couldn’t stop myself from buying it as I thought about you.”

Naomi gasped as she covered her face with both hands.

“Well, what do you sayyy?”

“Raven, I- Wha-” she stammered until she was interrupted by the doorbell. Raven steadily waited for an answer.

“Are you going to get the door?” Naomi asked, slightly hopeful that she’d catch a break.

“Not until I get a response.”

“I…”

“Ravennnnn!” Violet pleaded as she pounded on the door.

Naomi immediately pushed herself off of the bed but Raven grabbed her hand to stop her. “So, you’re not going to give me an answer?”

The woman snatched away. “It’s the middle of the night and Violet is pounding on your door. Forget about it.” Naomi swiftly pulled on her panties, rushed to the door of the studio apartment and let the pregnant woman inside.

Sobbing, Violet forced herself into Naomi’s arms.

“Oh my God, what’s wrong, Vi?”

“Matthew’s marrieddddd,” she wailed.

“Are you serious?!”

Raven grabbed her baseball bat and rushed towards the exit.

“Where are you going?” Naomi asked.

“To kill him!”

“Be rational. I’m sure Violet wants her child to have a father.”

“No, I don'tttt,” Violet sobbed. “Go get him, Rav.”

Raven took another step and Naomi gave her a little shove. “Go sit down.”

“Why?! I thought being married was such a fucking horrible thing!”

“Don’t mix our personal shit with things that have nothing to do with you.”

“Of course it deals with me. Didn’t you know that I’m sooooo selfish and I make everythingggg about me?”

“I’m not dealing with you right now,” Naomi groaned as she led Violet to the couch.

“It’s not like you wanted to anyway.”

“What’s going on with you guysss?” Violet sniffled.

“Don’t ask Naomi, she won’t give you a fucking answer,” Raven retorted before storming out of the apartment.

“What’s her problem?”

“She pretty much proposed to me and I didn’t give her an immediate response so she got testy and then you knocked on the door and she was annoyed that I was more concerned with getting you inside than answering her so now she’s mad and possibly on her way to murder Matthew,” Naomi said in one breath before exhaling.

“Holy shit,” Violet sighed. “Do you have any peanut butter?”

—

The next morning Violet reluctantly returned home flanked by Naomi.

Matt pushed himself off of the couch. “You’re back,” he said in disbelief. “Baby, please let me-” he was cut off by Naomi’s fist.

“Jesus Christ! Do you women let anyone finish a fucking sentence around here?!”

“How about you finish sentences with your wife!” Naomi retorted.

“That’s my point! Nobody will let me explain!”

The woman folded her arms. “We’re waiting.”

“Okay… don’t punch me.”

“I make no promises,” Naomi retorted.

“When I was eighteen, I was madly in love with my high school sweetheart so I proposed. She accepted but neither of our parents supported it, so we eloped. Two weeks later, her parents managed to convince her that she’d made a mistake so we separated. A few years later, we reconnected and tried to make it work, but the stress of her going to college while I worked a dead end job got the best of us so we separated again. At around twenty-five, was the last time we tried to make it work but she left me for some indie singer. It broke my fucking heart,” he said as he wiped the blood that Naomi’s punch had caused. “I haven’t heard a word from her in nearly four years.”

“You’re such a fucking liar!” Violet fumed as she shoved him. “You were on the phone with her last night!”

“Asshole!” Naomi shouted as she raised her hand to hit the man again but Matt jumped back.

“Okay! My mom talks to her occasionally but I never do! I only called her last night so that we can talk about getting an official divorce!”

Violet sniffled. “A divorce?”

“Yes. She’ll be here tomorrow so we can figure it out.”

The woman folded her arms. “I want to meet her.”

“Re-Really?”

“Yes! I don’t fucking trust you so I need to hear her side of the story.”

Matt huffed out an exhale.

“Is that a problem?”

“Nope,” he assured. “Not at all. But remember, you wanted this.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Shea can be a handful.”

“Well, so am I, but that’s why you have two hands Matthew.”

“That’s what you say now.”

Violet pursed her lips. “Sooooo, I never got to finish last night.”

Matt smirked. “Anything I can do to fix that?”

“Lend me a hand?” she asked suggestively.

“I’ll lend you two.”

“Alrighty then,” Naomi chuckled uncomfortably. “I’m out.”

—

When Naomi made it back to Raven’s apartment, she realized that her girlfriend still hadn’t returned. All her calls went straight to voicemail and she contemplated calling the police just as the soot covered woman limped through the front door.

“Oh my God, babe, are you okay?!” Naomi asked as she rushed over to her.

“I’m fine,” she assured.

“What happened?”

“Turn on the news,” she said with a shrug.

As Naomi grabbed the remote, Raven made her way to the bathroom, peeled off her singed clothing and began to shower.

“The news? Wha-” the woman mumbled to herself until she saw what was printed across the screen as the anchor spoke.

“A fire broke out last night, completely destroying the beloved 'Bob’s Pizzeria’ in downtown New York. The cause of the blaze has yet to be determined, but it’s currently under investigation. More at 10.”

Naomi turned off the television, sprinted into the bathroom and infiltrated Raven’s shower.

“What the hell are you doing? You’re fully clothed and-”

Naomi grabbed her lover’s face and silenced her with a kiss. “You are crazy, you are reckless, half of your right eyebrow is burned off because you’re hopelessly impulsive….and I can’t fucking wait to be your wife.”

—

Dressed in the expensive Moschino day dress that she’d purchased just for this meeting, Violet tucked her salon straightened hair behind her ear. “When is she supposed to be here?”

“Any minute now,” Matt replied. “You look really beautiful.”

“Thank you, Matthew.”

He leaned in for a kiss but she turned away. “Watch my makeuppp.”

“Sorry.”

“So…is this bitch pretty?”

“She’s as pretty as an ex-girlfriend and soon to be ex-wife can be.”

“So pretty busted, huh?”

“I guess.”

“And her shape?”

“The last time I saw her, she’d packed on a few pounds.”

“So she’s fat?” Violet asked, tone full of hope.

Matt shrugged. “Maybe.”

Violet smirked as she pulled out her compact and checked her lipstick. “Since she’s fat and ugly, this will be a walk in the pa-”

The woman couldn’t finish her sentence as her jaw practically hit the table when the café doors opened. Seemingly in slow motion, the Nubian goddess walked towards where the duo was seated. With a face that rivaled Naomi Campbell, the woman could’ve easily been mistaken for a high fashion model. Her ebony skin glowed and Violet was convinced that there was a hidden fan somewhere that made the woman’s beautifully styled dreadlocks flow in the wind. Violet narrowed her eyes at the woman’s perfect legs, flat stomach and perky ass, but the most offensive thing about her was her outfit. The high cut acid washed shorts that let her cheeks hang out was one thing, but her crop top that had Violet vomiting at fashion week printed on it was another.

“Hello, husband,” she greeted as she sat across from them.

Matt gulped. “Hey…Shea. How are you?”

“I’m good. My skin is clear and my melanin is poppin’.” She glanced at Violet. “Seems like you’d miss some color in your life.”

“Wait, hold the fuck up,” Violet interjected. “You come in here looking like the low rent Erykah Badu and you think you can insult me? You’re wearing me on your fucking shirt, I can sue your ass for copyright.”

“Don’t sue the buyer, sue the magazine that sells them for $5.99, Violet Christine Chachki. I know all about you thanks to my mother-in-law and Google. ”

“$5.99?!”

“Babe,” Matt attempted to intervene.

“Whatttt? That’s so cheap!”

“Seems fitting,” Shea commented.

Violet scowled. “Matthew, say what you need to say to this bitch before I throw my drink on her.”

“Awww, your mistress calls you by your full name? How cute.”

The pregnant woman grabbed her glass of sparkling water but Matt clutched her wrists before she could throw it.

“Ooo, we throwing drinks now?” Shea sarcastically asked. “And you’re pregnant, S-M-H. How classy.”

“Matthewwww,” Violet groaned as she struggled to throw her drink.

“Calm down,” he ordered.

“You’re just upset that your child will be a bastarddddd,” Shea heckled. “If Matty dropped dead right now, you’d be entitled to nothing, sweetheart. Nothing. You and your child are nothing. I’d get the life support.”

“Hey, can we stop talking about me dropping dead?” Matt asked as he finally managed to secure his girlfriend’s arms.

“I’m just saying.”

“Ughh! I’m going to kill her!” Violet snarled.

Shea chuckled as she grabbed Matt’s drink and took a sip.

“Would you calm down?” Matt groaned in exasperation. “This is just too much for the baby!”

Violet huffed.

“I warned you, but you still wanted to come. Now that you’re here, either behave yourself or go home.”

“I’ll behave,” she grumbled. “And I won’t say another fucking word.”

“And you won’t throw any glass or beverages?”

“Nope,” Violet promised as she sat down and smoothed the hairs that had shifted out of place in her tussle.

Matt also took his seat and glared at his wife who showed more interest in texting than this entire meeting. “Are you talking to the man you left me for?”

“I don’t know, Matty. Did I leave you or did you tell me to get out?” Shea retorted.

“Oh, now you’re going to twist this into something that gets you sympathy? Fuck that because you know what happened.”

The woman sighed. “Matty, I really don’t want to fight. I have so many other things going on. Great things! I interned at Marvel and got to met Stan Lee. I-”

“You…met…Stan…Lee?” Matt asked in total shock and disbelief

“Yes!” Shea quickly pulled up the selfie of her and the comic book legend.

“I’m fucking speechless,” he exhaled.

“I working at IDW now and they’re always looking for the next best thing. Matty, your illustrations are ready to be seen by the world.”

“I…I-”

“Wait, you’re a comic book nerd too?” Violet asked Shea.

“I guess you can say that.”

“But you’re… pretty.”

Shea scoffed. “I didn’t know looks had anything to do with it. I appreciate good art and Matty, you’re the best. When I spoke to Jake, h-”

“You still talk to Jake?”

“Of course! He’s my friend too, ya know. It’s not fair for him to have to choose sides because we can’t figure our shit out.”

“But-”

“Oh my God, do you remember that time in art class when Jake huffed so much paint that he was picking blue boogers for a week?”

Matt cackled. “How could I forget?! That still kills me to this day.”

Violet rolled her eyes.

“Let’s FaceTime him,” Shea suggested as she dialed the man.

When Jake answered, he was pleasantly surprised. “What the fuck is up?! You guys are together!”

“Yeah, we’re together!” the woman cheered.

“Well, we’re not together together,” Matt corrected. “We’re just in the same room.”

“That’s good enough for me! What are you guys doing?”

“Reminiscing about high school,” Shea informed.

“Ahh, the good ole days. I remember when you, Matty, me and Tatiana would go to the Rocket shop to dine and ditch. The owners didn’t even mind after a while because we brought in so many other people to make their goddamn business boom.”

“Oh my God, I remember that,” Matt said. “I swear, Mrs. Johnson would spit in our food though.”

“Ew!” Shea squealed. “Don’t say thattttt.”

“It’s probably true,” Jake added. “Hey, guys! Did you get your invitations yet?”

Matt’s brows furrowed. “What invitation?”

“Oh, well they sent yours here, Matty, butttt,” Jake groaned as he reached across the junk food covered bed, “our high school reunion is coming up. We should go!”

“Holy shit, has it been ten years already?” Matt asked.

“It has,” Shea sighed. “The only reason I keep track of the years is because right after graduation, we got married,” she said softly as she placed her hand on his. “Let’s go to the reunion, Matty. For old times sake.”

He tried to hide the fact that his heart was pounding, but it was evident when he squeaked out an, “Okay.”

—

“Okay!” Matt shouted as he dodged another glass that Violet threw at him. “Why are you mad?!”

“Why am I mad?! You agreed to go to your high school reunion with your wife! You ate up every little thing she said with a fucking spoon, I mean, did you even bring up a divorce?!”

“I forgot! But it’s going to happen, I don’t want to be with Shea anymore!”

Violet huffed as she folded her arms.

“I do, however, want to go to my high school reunion because I actually had a blast in high school and I want to see everyone. Babe, it’s one night. Come with me.”

“I don’t wanna,” she sniffled. “How would you explain having a wife and a pregnant girlfriend? I don’t want that for my baby. I give you permission to go…just don’t tell anyone about us,” the woman said through tears before rushing into her bedroom.

Matt followed the woman but when he was greeted by a locked door. “I invited you to go with

he grabbed the keys and stormed out of the front door.

—

The man was on his third drink at the bar when Shea approached.

“Heyyy, wifey!” he slurred. “Took ya long nuff to get here!”

“Whoaaa, you’re toasted. Why’d you invite me out if you weren’t going to wait for me?”

He placed his index finger on her nose. “This ain’t a social call. This is alllllllll business.”

“Um, okay, husband,” she said as she grabbed his wrist and dropped his hand. “What can I help you with?”

Matt patted his pockets. “Whoopsiessss. I must’ve forgotten those papers.”

“What papers?”

“A petition for di-vorceeeee.”

“Divorce?”

“Yessss.”

“You had to get drunk to ask for a divorce?”

“Well-”

Shea leaned in to whisper in his ear. “Are you scared of me, Matty?”

He scoffed. “No.”

“Are you sure?”

Matt clenched the woman’s jaw with his hand. “Yes,” he said sternly.

“Mmm. Brings back memories.”

The man released her. “Back to this divorce, missy. I need it.”

“Why?” she asked as she danced her fingers over his sweet zone that Violet had no idea about.

“Causeeeee,” he squeaked out like a dog in heat.

“Cause whatttt?”

“I-I-I-”

“Feel good?”

“Yeahhh.”

While she continued to rub Matt’s ear, Shea pulled out a set of papers of her own. “Matty?”

“Fuckkk. Y-Yes?”

“I want you to sign this.”

“What is ittttt?”

“I sent some of your old work to the IDW company president and he wants to sign you to be one of their illustrators! I know this has been your dream forever but nobody has given you a chance. Well this is your chance, baby. You’d be able to work with me and finally live your dream.”

“Bu..But isn’t the IDW headquarters in Cali?”

“Yeah, so?”

“Sooooo, Violet lives hereeee. My baby will be born hereee.”

“She can move! Are you supposed to put your dreams on hold for her? She gets to live hers!”

“Idkkk,” he slurred, but when she rubbed his earlobe again, the man aggressively tapped the bar. “Shitttt, Shea that’s good.”

“Will you at least consider the offer? I’m even looking into getting Jake a job there as well. It’ll be the three Musketeers again. Please, Matty?” she whispered.

The man moaned out as he practically climaxed. “I…consider.”

Shea kissed his neck. “Thank you, hubbyyy.”

“Welcome,” he whimpered. “I need to change my fucking underwear.”

—

When Matt stumbled home later that night, Violet was up waiting for him. “Where have you been?”

“Out,” he slurred.

“Out where?” she demanded.

“The bar!”

Violet wrinkled her nose. “You smell like it.” She gasped. “Is that a cum stain on your crotch?!”

“Baby, noooo. I spilled..spilt… something.”

“Take off your pants, let me see.”

“Noooo.”

“What the fuck did you do?!”

“I met Shea at the bar to get her to sign the divorce papers, but in my rush, I forgot themmm. Then she pulled out her own papers and they were a work thingie-thing but I told her I’d just think about it because you live hereee and she was like 'but you gotta live your dreamsss’ and she was rubbing my special place and it felt good but not as good as I’m sure it’d be if you did itttt.”

“What the hell are you talking about, Matthew?”

“If I want to work as an illustrator, I have to move back to California. And if I move back to California, I want you and the baby to come with me.”

“No,” was her instant response.

“No?”

“No! My entire life is here in New York, how is it fair for me to uproot all of that so you can draw pictures?”

“Wow…”

“Matthew, why can’t you illustrate here?”

“Nobody here has given me a chance! New York is too cut throat!”

“If you can’t make it here, then you don’t deserve to make it anywhere else!”

“Thank you for the vote of confidence,” he slurred sarcastically before turning and making his way into the bathroom.

The second that the door slammed closed, Violet felt like shit. She reluctantly sauntered to the bathroom door and knocked. “Matthew?”

“What?” he snapped back.

“Are you mad at me?”

He didn’t reply.

“Okay, I’ll 'compromise’.”

The man responded by vomiting in the toilet.

“Awww, Matthewwww. I don’t like when you’re sickkkk.”

Matt retched again.

“Okay, um, how about your puppies? You love themmm. I’ll have them shipped out if that makes you feel better.” Violet heard the toilet flush so she knocked again. “Matthewwww.” When he didn’t respond, the woman began to panic so she picked the lock and opened the door to find the man passed out on the tile. Violet patted his cheek. “Are you okayyy?” When his only sign of life was his shallow breathing, Violet sighed. “I can’t pick you up so this is where you’re going to be sleeping tonight.” The woman retrieved a blanket, tossed it over the man and turned off the light.

—

“Matthew!” Violet shouted as she practically slapped the man awake.

“Hmm?”

“Just making sure you aren’t dead. Breakfast?”

“You cooked?” he groaned as he sat up.

“Pff, no. We can go out to eat.”

“Sounds good. So when can my boys come out?”

“Boys? What boys?”

“My dogs! You said you’d ship them out.”

Fuck! Violet shouted internally. “Did I say that? I don’t recall.”

“It’s pretty foggy but yes, I remember you saying that.”

“I don’t know, Matthew. You were reallyyyy drunk last night.”

“I knowww,” he grumbled as he placed both hands on his throbbing head. “Whether you said it or not, I miss my boys and I want them to come out.”

“Well, if you want to move back to California, then what’s the purpose of them coming here?” she retorted.

“Because I’m torn. If my baby is in New York then I have no choice but to be here too.”

“Oh, so now you’re stuck here because you have no choice? You’re free to leave at any fucking time, Matthew!”

The man groaned. “Please stop yelling.”

“No, because you’re acting like I’m twisting your fucking nipples to be here! From the day that I found out I was pregnant, I told you to stay the fuck away from me but you didn’t,” she fumed. “You chose to bring your stupid ass out here on nothing but $500 that you borrowed from your mother so don’t act like I begged you to be here! Don’t act like we’re your ball and chain, Matthew! As a matter of fact, just leave! I don’t even want you here anymore!”

“Babe, you don’t mean that.”

“Yes, I do, Matthew! Get outtttt!” she screeched.

Just to get away from the woman’s offensive shouting that only tripled his headache pain, the man pushed himself off of the floor and grabbed a suitcase. He tossed his things into it before making his way towards the exit. “Call me if you have any appointments.”

The moment the door closed behind him, Violet buried her face into her hands and began to sob. “What’s wrong with meeee?”

—

Three days later

—

Matt got the most use he could out of his postage stamp sized apartment and when his high school reunion rolled around, he eagerly took the flight back to California. When he landed, he called Violet.

“Hello?” she greeted in her best attempt to sound nonchalant.

“Hey. How are you?”

“I’m actually amazing. I haven’t slept this well in months.”

“You don’t miss me?”

“Fuck no, Matthew,” she lied. “I’m doing great without you.”

“Well, that stings.”

“That sucks for you.”

“Actually, it doesn’t suck for me. I’m in LA.”

“You moved back to LA?”

“No-”

“I knew you weren’t shit, Matthew! You failed the fucking test! How could you leave us?!”

“Vi-”

“Don’t interrupt me!” she shrieked. “I can’t wait to tell my child how his father abandoned him to draw pictures! Ugh, I fucking hate you!” When the woman hung up, Matt attempted to call again but she’d already blocked his number.

“Fucking psycho,” he groaned just as Shea called his name from across the airport lobby. It felt like a cheesy romance novel when they both rushed towards each other to embrace. Matt couldn’t believe how all of his problems still seemed to melt away when she was in his arms.

“Let’s get out of here,” Shea said as she grabbed his hand and led him out of the airport doors. “I’m so excited to have you back in townnn. I thought you’d ditched easy living for good.”

“Naw, this is my home and I’m seriously thinking about coming back for good.”

“Uh oh, what would your mistress have to say about that?”

“I don’t care what she has to say. Still got that contract?”

“Yes!” Shea pulled the pages from her purse and handed them to the man.

“Definitely something to consider.”

The woman smirked. “The contract or me?”

“Both.”

—

“Welcome homeeee,” Shea said as she opened the door to her downtown apartment.

“Are you kidding me?” Matt gasped. “This place is fucking incredible!”

“Did you do all of this yourself?”

“Duh, dork. The couches were originally this bright white canvas that I spray painted and sent to this seamstress that does upholstery.”

“They look amazing. And the fucking walls…God, I forgot how talented you were.”

“Oh, whatever. You know I can draw your ass under the table.”

“Pfff, not even woman. Where can I put my stuff?”

Shea grabbed the man’s hand. “The bedroom is back here,” she said seductively as she pulled him along.

Matt gasped. “Is that a fucking swing?”

“It’s a hanging chair.”

The man squealed like a little girl as he released Shea’s hand, hopped into the chair and began to spin. “This is awesomeeee.”

The woman laughed. “You’re such a dork.”

“Weeee! How many times have you gotten fucked on this thing?”

“Once or twice.”

Matt gasped.

“Kidding! I’ve never been fucked on it because it has a 300 pound weight limit.”

“What the- are you fucking fat guys now?”

“No, but-”

“Come here.”

“Matty, I’m not getting on that thing with you.”

“Please?”

She folded her arms. “No.”

“Pleaseeeee. Don’t make me do the face.”

“You better not.”

“Uh oh, here comes the lip,” Matt said as he pouted.

“No! Put that lip away!”

“Here comes the brows.” Matt furrowed his eyebrows while he continued to pout.

“Mattyyyyyy,” she groaned.

“And the lashesssss.” The man batted his long eyelashes and Shea could no longer resist.

“Fineeee. Ugh, I hate the face,” she said as she straddled her husband. “It’s probably my one true weakness and you know it.”

“I just wanted to prove a point.”

“And what point would that be?” Shea asked as she wrapped her arms around the man’s neck.

“That two people can fit on this bitch. I’m thoroughly impressed.”

Shea scoffed and attempted to dismount but Matt held onto her waist. “Waittttt, it has to pass the spin test.” The man turned and forced the chair to spin. “Weeeeee!”

“You’re literally a child,” Shea got out before she heard cracking. “What the-” the woman said just as the drywall gave way, sending the duo and the chair to the floor. They burst into laughter.

“I told you it had a weight limit, fatty!”

“I’m not fat it’s muscle,” Matt got out through cackles before looking at his wife. “You’re still so beautiful.”

“Yeah, with this,” she coughed, “dust cloud. I’m sure I look like a coke fairy.”

“I’m into it.”

Shea laughed. “Hmm, so you’re still a drug hoe.”

“Actually, I haven’t smoked or done anything since I’ve been with Violet.”

The woman gasped.

—

Shea blow the column of marijuana smoke directly into Matt’s mouth.

“Fuckkkk, I missed this.”

“The weed or me?”

He scoffed. “The weed.”

The woman grabbed the man’s ear and caressed it. “Excuse me?”

“Oh God, okayyyy. I missed youuu.”

She released him just as the oven beeped. “Dinner’s ready. How many slices do you want?”

“As many as you can pile on my plate.”

“Then you’d better come and help me, greedy.”

Matt pushed himself off of the couch and entered the kitchen.

“Grab some plates. They’re in that cabinet that has the penis drawn on it.”

The man chuckled as he retrieved two glass saucers before his clumsiness set in, sending one of the plates to the floor. “Fuckkk, Shea, I’m so sorry.” He flinched when he saw her raise her hand.

“Jesus, who’s been beating your ass?” she asked as she retrieved another saucer. “It’s just a plate. No big deal.”

“Re-Really?”

“Yeah, boo. In facttttt,” she said mischievously as she smashed another plate onto the hardwood, “destruction is fun.”

Matt raised an eyebrow.

—

“Wooooooo!” the man cheered as he tossed a teacup over the balcony.

Shea followed with a ceramic bowl. “Take that world!”

“Hey, I’m walking here!” the homeless man beneath them snarled.

“Then walk faster!” Matt retorted.

“Fuck you!”

The man tossed a plate in the hobo’s direction and it smashed at his feet.

“Asshole!” he shouted before taking off.

Matt and Shea cackled as they steadily tossed dishes at the man.

“Hey! I see you!” the cop shouted as he sprinted into the front door of Shea’s apartments.

“Oh, shit!” the woman shouted, grabbing Matt’s hand to lead him out her loft. She pounded on the neighbor’s door until the woman answered.

“No, Shea, I do not want to buy a pound,” she recited robotically.

“Nooo, it’s a code red!” Shea said as she rushed passed the woman and pulled Matt along.

The woman frowned. “Killer clowns?”

“No, the cops!” The duo barricaded themselves into the coat closet.

“You��are…insane,” Matt panted.

Shea replied with a passionate kiss. “You know adrenaline makes me horny,” she exhaled against his lips.

Matt grabbed the woman’s neck and kissed her harder. “I know.”

Shea pulled off her shirt, then Matt’s as they continued to make out.

“Fuck, I forgot how full and amazing your lips were.”

The woman palmed his crotch. “Stop acting like you forgot everything about me.”

Matt groaned out. “Yes, ma'am.”

She quickly unbuttoned his pants prior to pulling them down along with his boxers to free his dick. Just as the tip passed her lips, the closet door flew open.

“The coast is clear.”

The duo was frozen like deer in headlights but Shea cleared her throat. “Thanks, Naysha. We’ll be going now.”

The woman pursed her lips. “Good idea.”

Matt grabbed their shirts and pulled up his pants as he followed the topless woman out of the apartment. “Thank you, Naysha,” he got out before looking at Shea through wide eyes. The duo began to cackle as they sprinted back to Shea’s loft.

—

After sharing another blunt, the husband and wife duo watched their favorite movie, Finding Nemo and they were legitimately convinced that they could both speak whale.

“Pllllleeeeaaasseeeeeeee passsss theeee bluuuueeee cheeseeeee,” Matt howled while Shea doubled over as she wheezed out laughter.

“N-Nooooooooo, yooooouuuuu can'tttttt haaaavvvveee blueeeeeee cheeseeeeee. Youuuuu cannnn haveeee ranchhhhhhhhh.”

“Fuckkkkk yourrrrr ranchhhhhhhhhhh, I wanttttttt a tattoooooooooo.”

“A tattoooooooooo? A tattoo? Really?”

“Fuck yeah. Let’s go get tatted.”

“Nooooo, it’s not ‘let's’. I don’t want a fucked up tattoo.”

“It won’t be fucked up. I know a guy who knows a guy.”

—

“Matty, this is Thorgy,” Jake introduced. “Thorgy this is my best friend Matty and his wife Shea.”

“Nice to meet you guys! So let’s get this tattoo started, yeah? Wooo!” the already tipsy tattoo artist said. “What do you want?”

“Pearl.”

“Like the gemstone?” Jake asked.

“Or the drag queen?” Shea added.

“Or the fucking little octopus on Finding Nemo!” Matt informed. “And underneath 'awe, you made me inkkk!'”

“Fuck yes!” the woman declared. “Put it over your pubes so every time you cum, you can say that!”

Matt gave her a blank stare. “That…is…the most… amazing idea ever! Ugh, you’re such a fucking genius,” the man grunted, pulling his wife into a kiss. “Let’s do it!”

Thorgy hiccupped. “Take off your pants.”

“How about I just lower them?”

“You have no reason to be modest, husband,” Shea reminded.

“True.” The man stripped off his pants and climbed into the chair before Thorgy reclined it and prepared his tattoo gun.

“Can I start the first line?” Shea asked.

“Wha- no!” Matt protested. “You’re not a tattoo artist.”

“But I am an artist! Even better than you.”

“True, but-”

She gave her own version of ‘the face.’ “Pleaseeee, hubby.”

“Ugh, fine. But only the first part!”

Shea squealed as she grabbed the tattoo gun.

“Wait, don’t you have to sanitize me first?”

Thorgy dumped a cup of vodka down the man’s crotch. “Done.”

“Coldddd!”

“Ready, husband?”

“Yeah.”

Shea turned on the tattoo gun and the second that the tip of the needle touched Matt’s skin, he yelped and attempted to jump out of the seat.

“Jake, hold him down!”

“Noooooo, no, no!”

“Stop being a pussy, Matty!”

“It hurts!”

“Bite down on this,” Thorgy instructed as he handed Matt a dirty towel.

The man obliged and stuffed the soiled cotton into his mouth but it did little to curb the pain that the needle brought him. He spat out the towel. “Shea, stop. Fuckkkkk, I can’t do this.”

“Matty, I already have the octopus outline, are you sure you want me to stop?”

“Yes!”

“Fine,” she sighed. “You’re a pussy, but alas, you’re my pussy.”

“Am I?” he asked with a side smirk.

“Are you?” Jake added. “So Violet is just completely out of the picture?”

Shea scoffed. “Violet who?”

“Of course she’s not 'completely’ out of the picture,” Matt defended. “She’s still pregnant with my kid. But as far as we go as a couple, I don’t know. She told me that she hated me, blocked my number and she kicked me out.”

The woman gasped. “You didn’t tell me all of that. What a bitch.”

“Yeah and I swear she’s lying about my boys going to New York. Anyone who’d lie about dogs just isn’t right, ya know?”

“What’d she do?” Jake asked.

“She said that my boys could come out to stay with us. It was her attempt at some sort of compromise, but the next morning when I had sobered up, she acted like it never happened.”

“That’s fucked up, bro.”

“I say we teach her a lesson,” the woman suggested.

“What kind of lesson?” Matt asked.

“Let’s send the dogs to her house anyway. She’ll totally freak outttt! She seems like that type.”

“She’s definitely that type,” the man informed. “I can’t do that.”

“Why nottt? What’s the harm in it? So, the delivery man shows up at her door with dogs, it’s not like she’ll sign to accept them anyway. They’ll be shipped right back out here to you.”

“And that’ll teach her a lesson?” Matt challenged.

“Yes! Especially if we pay the man extra to film her reaction.”

“Sounds like gold to me,” Jake said with a shrug as he downed Thorgy’s vodka.

“Let’s do ittttt!” Shea cheered.

“Woo,” Matt weakly added.

—

Violet screeched excitedly into her cellphone. “I still can’t believe you guys are getting marrieddddd, to each other! I hate you! I love you! Ugh, pleasee let me plan the entire thing. It’s the least you guys can do since I’m the one who introduced you guys.”

*Ding!*

“That must be my Chinese at the door. I’ll call you guys back.”

The pregnant woman struggled to get off of the couch, but when she did, she waddled over to door, opened it. When she saw the two large dogs, Violet flinched so hard that she nearly fell over. Once she stabilized herself, the woman was fully prepared to run until she saw that they were held on a leash.

“Jesus Christ! What the fuck is this?!”

“A delivery for,” the man looked at his clipboard, “Violet Chachki.”

“I didn’t ask for this!”

“Well, they’re here now. You want them or nah?”

“Nah! I mean, no! Fuck no!”

“Alright.”

When the man began to walk away, Violet stopped him. “Wait, these are Matthew’s dogs, yes?”

“It shipped from,” the man looked down at the clipboard, “FU VI in California.”

“Oh…that must be the shipping company.” Violet smoothed her hair as she thought. If I accept these dogs, then Matthew has no choice but to come back. He’ll come back and I won’t even have to swallow my pride to get him here. A smile comparable to the Grinch spread across the woman’s face.

“Have a nice day, lady.” The man turned to leave once again.

“Wait! I’ll take them.”

—

“She accepted the dogs!” Matt panicked as he paced Shea’s room. “Do you think she’ll feed them chocolate? Fuck!”

“Come here,” Shea cooed from the bed.

The man paused and obliged when he saw that the woman was dressed in nothing but a lavender lace bra and panty. The color did wonders for her skin tone, making her practically irresistible. Matt straddled his wife but she quickly rolled him onto his back and kissed him. “Calm down,” she ordered. “Your mistress is a crazy bitch, but she ain’t that crazy.”

“I guess you’re right.”

“Mhmmm,” she hummed as her kisses traveled south, starting with his lips and ending with his waistline. The woman lowered her husband’s pants and burst into laughter when she saw the octopus outline.

“Don’t laugh at meeee. I couldn’t take the pain.”

Shea continued to laugh as she retrieved the black Sharpie from her nightstand. “I’ll fix it.” The woman filled in the outline with a few dots and added the delicate features of the character. “Perfectttt.”

“She’s adorableeee.”

“Now I’ll let my creative juices flow,” she said as she laid out on the man before taking the permanent marker to his chest. After drawing a dragon, a unicorn and various swirls, Shea’s brows furrowed. “Matty?”

“Hm?”

“After all our on again, off again shit, why do you think we haven’t been able to make it last?”

“Because you’re crazy,” he teased.

“True.” The woman jabbed him with the sharpie.

“I think that we’re so similar. Too similar, in fact. It’s like fire and fire and when we get together, it’s a reckless inferno.”

“Is that what happened the last time we broke up?”

“You left me.”

“You told me to.”

He scoffed. “Did not.”

Shea frowned as she capped her marker. “Yes, you did.”

“Well, if you say so, but I don’t remember that.”

The woman folded her arms. “You’ve got to be kidding me. Your mother was dating that guy, Rick.”

“Ugh, fuck. I hated that guy.”

“Exactly! And when they wanted to get married, you didn’t support it. I told you that you were being wack and that you needed to let them live their lives.”

“No, I remember that part vividly. That’s not what you told me.”

“It’s not?”

“Some if it. But the part that I’ll never forget is 'get over your daddy issues and let your mom live her life’,” Matt quietly reiterated.

“Oh…yeah. That made you really upset.”

“It did.” Matt focused his eyes on the hole in the ceiling so that he wouldn’t tear up. “And you never apologized.”

Shea recognized the straining in the man’s voice from whenever he wanted to seem stoic. “Are you getting emotional? Matty, if you want an apology, I’ll give you one, sweetheart.”

Matt slid the woman off of his body and pushed himself off of the bed. “Don’t fucking patronize me! I literally went through physical, emotional and psychological torment every fucking day as a child! You have no idea what that man was like, so don’t fucking patronize me about daddy issues!”

“I’m not!”

The man stormed out of the room and Shea swore that it was deja vu as she rushed after him and pleaded for him to stop. When he finally did, he refused to make eye contact.

“Fine, you don’t have to look at me but at least listen. Out of all the years that I’ve known you, this is probably the third time that you’ve ever even mentioned your father. I don’t know what happened in your childhood but I’m so sorry that you had to go through that.”

Shea watched as Matt’s bottom lip quivered, but the man kept it together.

“Matty, I’m even more sorry that I threw that fucked up phrase at you. It wasn’t fair and I hope you can forgive me.”

He reluctantly nodded.

“Thank you, Matty. You know what the best part about all of this is? Your baby is going to have the best fucking dad ever and-”

At that, Matt could no longer control his tears.

“Awe, it’s trueeee,” Shea assured. “Hell, I wish you were my daddy.”

The man laughed as he wiped the offensive waterworks away. “You’re crazy.”

She kissed him. “Ya know, this is exactly how our last fight went except with a lot more ‘fuck you’s 'get the fuck out’ 'that’s why I’m fucking Marco, anyway’. I was pretty shocked when you said that last line to me,” she joked.

Matt rolled his eyes and lifted the woman up by her ass.

“Whoaaa, our last fight didn’t end like this.”

“Don’t speak so soon, I’m just getting started,” Matt growled as he rushed the woman back to the bedroom.

—

Dressed in her hazmat suit and doubled gloves, Violet tiptoed to her balcony where the dogs had been sequestered to. When they saw her, they wagged their tails and barked in excitement.

“Oh God, Oh God,” she panted. “Please stop growling at meeee.” Violet took a deep breath and carefully pried open the sliding glass door, just enough to stick her hand out and drop the treats that she’d bought for them. Afterwards, she snatched her hand back in so quickly that she nearly lost a finger in the process. “What slobbery little demons, ugh.” The woman cringed, pulled off her suit and quickly rushed to the shower.

—

Matt stretched and was ecstatic to wake up to the smell of bacon that wasn’t burning. He pushed himself out of Shea’s bed and made his way to the kitchen.

“Good morning, stud,” his wife greeted.

“Morning,” the man grumbled. He approached the woman from behind and wrapped his arms around her. “What the hell did you do to me last night? You wore me out. I’m exhausted.”

“Well, after you carried me to the bedroom, you fell asleep. I attempted to smother you with the pillow to stop your snoring but I obviously failed.”

“So I didn’t lay down the pipe? Damn, that’s embarrassing.”

“Have you learned any new tricks?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Then I’m not missing much.”

“Heyyy, jerk,” he retorted as he pinched her side. “I have baby making abilities now.”

“With the wrong woman, though.”

“Do you wish it was you?”

Shea didn’t reply as she scraped scrambled eggs onto one of the plates.

“Well?” Matt continued to pry.

“Eat your breakfast, husband. We have a reunion to get ready for.”

—

When Violet exited the shower, the sound of scuffling made her heart race. The woman crept into her living room to find that the dogs had somehow broken into the house and were now roaming free. Violet gasped and her breathing became shallow. When the dogs spotted her, they rushed over. Violet was frozen in fear and opted for standing as still as possible until they went away.

The dogs barked in excitement, circled her and licked her hands. The woman wanted to scream but, terrified that they’d attack her, she remained silent and slowly raised her cellphone. One of the pooches playful bumped her arm and sent the device to the floor.

“Fuck,” Violet whimpered. “And I can’t even benddddd,” she sobbed.

While one dog licked her hand to comfort her, the other one gently lifted her phone into his mouth.

“Oh God, don’t eat itttt!”

The dog walked the device over to her. With tears streaming down her face, Violet reluctantly stuck out her shaking hand. He relinquished the phone.

“Ewww… I need a new phone. I mean…wow…thank you,” she said in a trembling voice. “Don’t kill me. Is that like fetch?”

Both of the dogs became excited.

“No, no. I’m not playing with you. I was simply asking a question.”

One of them barked a response while the baby’s kicking went into overdrive at the strange, new sounds. “The baby is probably wondering what the hell you are. Baby, these are called slobbery demons, I mean, dogs. One of them is named…Dr. Doom?”

Dr. Doom wagged his tail.

“And the other is…may I read your name tag, please?”

Violet took a deep breath before crouching. Both dogs approached and began to lick her neck and face, but she managed to get a glance at the tag before retreating.

“Loki?”

The dog barked.

“Okay, Dr. Doom and Loki. I am going to speak very slowlyyyy sooo thattt you cannn understandddd. I am Violettttt and I am pregnanttttt. So thatttt meanssss you have to stayyyyy on the bal-co-nyyyy. Got it?”

Loki howled.

“Yes? And what about you Doc?”

The other dog walked away. “Heyyy!”

—

Shea adjusted her husband’s tie.

“How do you think this is going to go?” Matt asked nervously.

The woman dusted his shoulders prior to flashing him the contents of her purse: alcohol, blunts and condoms. “I’d say pretty well.”

Matt grinned, kissed her and followed the woman into their high school gymnasium.

—

Violet thought that peanut butter would appease the dogs enough to go back onto the balcony but they ended up on the floor wrestling their sticky mouths while she sat on the couch with her own crunchy peanut butter and pickles, pouring her heart out to them.

“I can’t believe how mean I was to himmmm,” she sobbed. “That’s why he leftttt. But with you guys here, maybe he’ll come backkkkkkk.” Through tears, she took another bite of her peanut butter covered pickle.

—

“Matthew Lent? Holy shit, I can’t believe it’s you!”

“Heyyy…um..what was your name again?”

“Brian, dude! Brian Firkus!”

Matt responded by punching the man in the face prior to grabbing Shea’s hand and taking off.

“What the hell, Matty! Why’d you punch him?!”

“I don’t remember but I had a mental note that reminded me to hit him when I saw him.”

The woman cackled. “Fair enough. Anymore mental notes?”

“Of course, but there are school rules against PDA.”

She scoffed. “Since when do we follow the rules?”

The man replied by kissing her.

“Shea?!” a woman squealed.

She turned around and squealed just as loudly. “Aja?! Oh my God, you look amazing!”

“Me?! Look at you! And is that Matthew Lent? You guys are still together?!”

“Kinda,” Shea admitted. “I mean, we’ve been married for over ten years so that has to count for something, right?”

“Absofuckinglutely! I’ve only been married for six years. Do you guys have kids?”

“No,” was Shea’s immediate response. “And we probably won’t be having any anytime soon.”

Matt felt some type of way about the statement but he didn’t want to put Shea through having to explain their situation.

“What do you do for a living?” Shea asked.

“I’m a nurse practitioner so I just had to marry a doctor, right?” She laughed. “What about you?”

“I work at IDW as one of the head illustrators,” she exaggerated. “And Matty is the CEO.”

“Holy shit, big bucksss. What’s that like?”

Matt cleared his throat. “Fun.”

—

“And he hasn’t even tried to call meeeee,” Violet continued to sob.

—

“And what about you guys?!” Max asked. “Kids?”

“Nope,” Shea chirped.

—

“Oh, wait, I blocked him,” she sniffled.

—

“You’re Stan Lee’s personal assistant?” Sasha gasped.

“Yep,” Shea replied. “And just between you and I, he says that Spiderman was a total fluke.”

—

“How do you unblock numberssssss?!” Violet wailed.

—

“I just love my children,” Kim gushed. “What about you? How many do you have?”

“Oh, I have a bun in the oven now.”

The woman gasped.

“Just kidding! Bahahahaha! You should’ve seen your face!”

A few feet away, Matt was downing his second drink as Jake approached.

“You alright there, buddy?”

“No! Shea’s just lying her ass off about everything,” he fumed.

“Dude, you’re supposed to lie at reunions. Everyone here thinks I’m a chemist at Nasa. You have to embellish your life to make the assholes you used to hate jealous.”

“Yeah, but she’s even lying about my kid. I don’t like that shit.”

“Well, technically he’s still just a fetus.”

“Maybe I’m being dramatic but just hearing how fucking successful everyone here is hurts, man. I haven’t done anything with my life and everyone here has a happy household with their goddamn kids, like ugh,” he groaned before making his way to the exit.

“But you do realize that they’re all probably lying, right?!” Jake shouted after him.

—

“Your turn, Loki,” Violet sighed. “What’s your story?”

The dog barked.

—

“Babeee, why’d you bring me here?” the giggling Naomi asked. “This campus gives me PTSD.”

“Oh, hush,” Raven said as she pulled her fiance to the center of their alma mater before stopping in front of the large fountain. “I have something special for you.”

“Raven, I already agreed to marry you, you don’t have to try so hard,” she teased.

“Hush, woman.” Raven retrieved a red rose from her pocket. “Hold this.”

Naomi laughed as she accepted the flower while the other woman pulled the crumpled piece of paper from her pocket.

“What is all of thissss?”

“The original way that I was going to propose so just listen.” Raven cleared her throat before reading what she’d scrawled onto the paper. “Naomi, this is the spot where I first laid eyes on you. From that moment on, I knew that you’d be my boo. Even though you were a little rude, I quickly forgave you after I found out that you were buying hormone shots instead of food.”

Naomi bashfully covered her face as she laughed.

“You’ve always had my heart, although I should’ve told you sooner. But what’s seven years compared to the lifetime I hope I get to spend with you, as…my wife? I totally smudged the last bit but you get the point anddd this is when I’d pull out the ring, etc, etc.”

Naomi rushed into the woman’s arms. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Let’s get out of hereeee. I just have this eerie feeling that Professor Charles is lurking.”

Raven laughed as she grabbed her fiance’s hand and began to lead her off of the campus. “Are you hungry? I could go for pizza,” she teased.

Naomi gagged before laughing. “I hate you.”

The woman stole a kiss. “No you don’t.”

“You calling my bluff?”

“Always.” Raven kissed the back of her fiance’s hand and looked both ways before they started to make their way across the street.

“Damn tranny,” Bob slurred from behind the wheel of his car. After discovering that his shop was burned down by an arsonist, it was the sleep-deprived, drunken man’s mission to get revenge. He took another swing of his whiskey. “You ruin my life…burn down my shop… I have nothing to lose,” he sniffled as he smashed on the gas.

It all seemed to happen in slow motion.

Raven heard the screech of the tires before she saw the 1965 Mustang barrelling towards them. She quickly accepted the fact that there wasn’t enough time to run, but she refused to break the promise that she’d made.

I won’t let him hurt you again, she thought as she released Naomi’s hand and shoved the woman out of the path of the car just before it plowed her to the ground.

—

Matt returned inside the venue and quickly found his wife.

“How could I miss her? She’s twerking on the principal,” he grumbled to himself. “Shea!”

“Yes, husband?”

“Can I talk to you outside for a minute?”

“But the party is inside, babyyy.”

“It’s important.”

Shea groaned. “Fine.” The woman turned to the principal. “Call me,” she said before following her husband outside. “What’s up?”

“I can’t do this anymore,” he panted.

“Do what?”

“Be a bum. A loser. Everyone in there has made something of themselves and I need to do something with my life.” He pulled out the paperwork. “I signed it.”

“The contract?! Woooo! I’m so fucking excited, babe!”

“You have to sign it too.”

“Huh? Why would I sign your contract?”

“It’s divorce papers.”

“Oh,” Shea exhaled.

“If I haven’t done anything else with my shitty life, I have to protect the one thing I have accomplished…and that’s being a father.”

The woman smiled and wiped the few tears that had escaped away. “I understand.”

Matt handed the woman the papers and a pen.

“Turn your ass around,” she laughed through tears. He obliged so Shea placed the page on his back for a sturdy surface and signed the necessary spot. “You’re freeee.”

The man turned around and savored the bittersweet moment with a hug and then a kiss. “I’ll always love you. You know that.”

Shea’s expression was smug. “I know. See you later, soon-to-be ex-husband. I’m gonna do E and fuck the entire football team tonight.”

Matt laughed and shook his head as he watched the woman return inside the building. After catching his breath, the man nearly broke his finger answering the phone when he heard the tone he’d set for Violet playing.

“Hello?”

“M-Matthew?” Violet wheezed.

“Yes, baby? What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

“D-D-D-Dog sh-sh-sh-shit.”

“Violet, I’m so sorry. I’m on my way home now, okay? I’m catching the first flight I can.”

“Hurry,” she exhaled out in what she assured would be her last breath.

#pearlet #pearlet fanfiction

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