#PAUSE im only on s9

[leafatlaw]

im sure a million people have already said this but, im thinking north and south and the cain and abel parallels, and i feel sick

[missjackil]

Winsecurities

I have no doubt in my mind that Sam and Dean love eachother in every human way possible. This is in no way to say one loves the other more than the other, but to just have a look around Sam and Dean’s relationship and see where and possibly why, they are insecure sometimes with each other. 

Anyone reading this that knows me, knows I love both of these boys. I do favor Sam but I have no lowkey or highkey hate for Dean... he’s my buddy and a good dude and just as deserving of love and happiness as Sam is. With that said, it may appear sometimes in this post that Im dumping on one, or blaming him for something unnecessarily, but Im not, Im just making an honest observation.

Since this is about Sam and Dean’s insecurities, this is going to be a long post. So bag a lunch, get comfy, and click the cut if you feel like reading.

Sam and Dean are the most selfless people I know. They’re not selfish men at all, though both displayed some selfishness as kids, but thats normal. They’;ve both grown into men more than willing to put others before themselves, and sacrifice everything for the greater good. However they do have a selfshness when it comes to each other, and this fans the flames of their insecurities. 

If you could ask either of them “Do you love your brother?” Both would say “Yes” before you finished the sentence, but if you were to ask either “Does your brother love you?” They might pause for a second before you get the “Yes”. In their hearts they know it as surely as the sun rises in the morning, but in their heads, sometimes they’re conflicted. 

Sam has an irrational fear of Dean replacing him. He needs to be everything to Dean and doesnt like when others seem to take his place. We dont really even see this until s8 and the show has been chipping at it ever since. Dean has an irrational fear of losing Sam. Either by choice or by death. Dean defines himself as Sam’s caretaker, and doesnt want a life that Sam isnt in. I say these fears are irrational in the sense that neither should be fearing it anymore, not in the sense that the fear has never been warrented. We just recently learned that Dean still fears that Sam is going to decide to leave him someday. 

I believe that Sam has always loved his place in Dean’s world. The precious little brother that Dean protects without argument. His best friend, confidant, the one who always has his back and fully trusts to have his own back. Sam loves that Dean would die for him, so Sam would die for Dean just the same. There have been times though, that Sam has felt smothered. He’s even said so, but he just wants space to grow and breathe, and be Sam, and not only Dean’s little brother, so Sam has seperated himself from Dean at times, and Dean takes it like Sam doesnt need or appreciate him. 

I believe that Dean thinks about Sam first in everything. He depends on him to be his best friend and confidant, to have his back and save him when he needs saving, but Dean likes to surround himself with friends, family and allies, and Sam sometimes takes it as though he’s expendable in Dean’s world. Sam and Dean are each other’s spouces, in every sense of the definition that matters. They are two very different people but one single unit.

Dean’s insecurities with Sam came to our attention very early in the series. Since S1 Dean has shown how badly he wants Sam with him, and fears him leaving. In the Pilot episode Dean says he needs Sam to help him find Dad, and Sam tells him he can do it on his own, and Dean tells him he doesnt want to. We were never given any insite into why they didnt speak for 2 years so, Im just going to leave that out as it seems to be irrelevant to everything. 

I believe they began when they were kids, and Sam started wanting to be like a normal kid. We know from Just My Imagination that at 9 yrs old Sam was begging to come hunting with Dad and Dean, we also learned that he would also like to run away and be normal. At that age, he chose to go with Dad and Dean, instead of running away, but as he aged, it became clear that he didnt want the hunting life. 

I dont think this meant that Sam hated his Dad or Dean at all, he feared for them and himself, so he took himself away from the situation when he could. Having Thanksgiving at a friend’s house, hiding out in a cabin in Flag Staff, going to college, none of these are bad things that Sam did (well ok maybe running away and hiding in a cabin is debatable) but Dean took it personal as leaving him. 

Dean loves taking care of Sam. He’s said he never had to be told to, he would have done it anyway. Sam has always loved it too but when Dean took off to hunt with Dad and left Sam alone he chose something over Sam, and thus fed his insecurities. 

I think where Sam’s insecurities began, just using canon, was always when Dean put something ahead of Sam. He left Sam in a motel room so he could play video games, and Sam almost got killed. Dean left him at Plucky’s to troll for girls while Sam was being scared by the clowns, he left Sam to hunt with Dad, so who was protecting Sam then? Sam thought all these other things were more important than him, and if they were, then does Dean even still love him? (possible thoughts of an adolescent boy)

So we dont really see this insecurity in Sam much until S8 when Dean had Benny. When Sam met Benny, he was ready to kill him before he even knew he was a vampire. There was no way Sam knew he was a vampire when he went for his blade. He was ready to kill him for being some big dude that went on a hunt with Dean... a replacement.  We didnt even know Sam had any qualms with Dean’s friendship with Cas until Dean wanted to go with Cas on his quest but felt he needed to stay behind and help Sam. Sam told him to go, but when Sam was ready to die for thinking Dean cant do this job with him, cant trust him, and would rather be anywhere than help Sam see this through, he gave Dean (and us) an ear full of his pain. And we were all (Dean included) Wait!! Hold up Sam!! Just think for a moment ok? 

Dean assured Sam that nothing is more important than him, never has been, never will be... and Sam came down off the ledge. Sam got hit with the insecurities again in S9, after the trouble with Gadreel, and Sam worried about his place with Dean again. At the end of Sharp Teeth, Sam tells Dean things are broken and they cant be fixed just by saying theyre family, because all their crap comes down to them being family. So he gives Dean somewhat of an ultimatum. You want to work? Lets work... if you want to be brothers?..... well those are my terms” I didnt like that Sam didnt finish that statement, but Im pretty sure, judging from the next several episodes, that the statement would have been “If you want to be brothers.... then we cant work together” and then we see that they took the root of working instead of brothering, and now Sam sees himself as just a hunting parter to Dean. Is it true? Of course not. But we see the whole pciture and Sam just sees what he sees.

The show has been chipping at Sam’s insecurities ever since. Sam feared Dean chosing Amara over him in S11, choosing Mom over him in S12 as family, Cas over him as friend in 13, and Ketch over him as hunting buddy later in 13, and now his life over Sam in just this past episode. He even saw Dean kill himself to save a kid they dont know who was already dead in S13, so I understand why Sam might be confused about his place and importance in Deans life ya know?

Im sure about Sam’s place in Dean’s world. Sam IS his world. Ive seen Deans reactions every time Sam died or Dean thought he was dead... but wanna hear something sad but true? Sam never did. Sam never saw how freaked out Dean gets. How suicidal and broken he is when Sam is gone. Dean doesnt tell him. Sam knows Dean sold his soul for him, but Sam doesnt know Dean sat for like 2 or 3 days crying and talking to his corpse. Maybe if he knew, he wouldnt worry so much right?

I dont want the show to put Sam back in a place where he would voluntarily leave Dean again, but I hope they reassure Sam that he’s Dean’s who world. I think they’ve begun that, with Dean telling Sam why he wanted Sam to stay behind when he went with Ketch, and telling Sam later that he doesnt worry about what happens to himself, but he does care about what happens to his brother. And letting Sam know that he said “Yes” to Michael to save him. Maybe someday these boys will get their shit together and just enjoy getting saving the world and getting old together. 

[wolfwhiteflowers]

Oh Michonne :( ep 6-8. Fandom sucks. Also TWD speculations

*didn’t watch s9A. So it’s all hearsay and gifs.

I said after Rick is gone, Michonne’s arc is the saddest rn and is messed up storywise, imo. It’s something that made me wanna/kinda-did quit the show. It’s too sad. But Rick is not “dead’ so its okay (sort of). My point is,idk why, i like angsty characters and a hint of hope towards to a happy ending. So whatever is going on with Michonne, it’s interestinggggg to me. 

Ofc, with angsty character/arcs, the fandom goes critical and dumb. I’ve been through like this in a fandom before. A lot with Carol character in the fandom, apparently. But it’s not like her, but other shows as well, like The 100. I’ve seen characters going down the unpopular dark road and in the end of the season, they come back like they usually be or stronger than before. Idk fandom is full of opinions and super fans/Stans being super judgmental and petty. But some will understand and some are just biased and blah. Idk ..ignore the rude ones. wtf u have to stan 1 character and 1 ship?zzz It also seems like a lot because TWD is a big show with tons of media outlets/articles, or Tumblr/internet where u see it all the time. But I just focus on what the writers are trying to show in the story.

So I’m hearing the fandom er..characters are not liking Michonne because of how she leads and is being closed off from everyone or new people. And that we don’t know what’s the mysterious X means which that connects to Michonne’s attitude. I’m thinking if they don’t like Michonne, then why is she leading ASZ, but then ASZ have a council so ok. Idk. ASZ still view her as a respectful leader. 

Now Im just kinda speculating what is X mystery is about, eehh Idk and it’s like too early to speculate about it. It’s something to protect ASZ/her kids and something she knows that will upset her friends/other communities. It’s frustrating to wait to know what it is as we watch through s9 and as other characters disliking her now. I keep thinking it’s a deal or was a deal. Nothing is new rn about it. Like there’s no group trading with ASZ on something right now. I think it’s something she did or whatever, but others can change that if they can. So Idk and I think it’s something that only happened in the past and not on-going (i think). I see these theories and hints, I hope it’s not sooo bad or something. I really hope it’s not that theory that she slaughtered the Oceanside community to protect Negan. I doubt it’s that. lol Why the X then? Anyways,it could be Oceanside related. Maybe she tried to protect them but failed? Protecting a community of women who lost their husbands and fathers, and she failed them hits her too hard emotionally? Idk. That darn X. Maybe it relates to the helicopter people that took Rick and Jadis/Anne. 

It makes me nervous seeing TF disliking Michonne for years and fans don’t know why and from the mysterious X (that Daryl has it too). But we do see Michonne’s point of view, her reasons. The writers showed some of it. But fans don’t know why (therefore judge and complain) and it makes me nervous about it because when I learn about it and Michonne’s reasons isn’t enough to make sense or be in-character. Then I don’t want to feel disappointed and end up not liking her. But so far, I don’t think I will be upset with her, it’s ok to me because Michonne knows it upset others and she still is doing what she usually does and for to protect her loved ones. Also it’s like she’s not still doing the “bad thing”, if that make sense.  Like what I wrote up there about angsty arcs, it’s similar to a redemption arc and I think redemption arcs are hard to write and writers have to make the fans understand and believe it. (Idk why TWD writers are doing it backwards,mystery) Also, what about the other characters, will they forgive? Maybe something else -like introducing the Whisperer arc- will make the other characters and Michonne to forgive and change and be a Team Family again during s9B or s10. They have to come together and fight a common enemy(whisperers).  It’s actually what I just thought of when Luke talked about survival of the fittest and what’s different from humans and others. And that Michonne kept saying stuff like she gotta only focus on ASZ. So I think in s9B is when she’s helping with other characters/communities from the whisperers and she’ll start to understand or she/they will start interacting again and be TF again. 

Now her closed-off attitude and stuff. It’s amazing to see it on the show. I saw clips of Michonne and omg amazing acting. I’m like omg wow she’s so different. She was so closed-off and powerful from Magna’s group. But she goes like her usual self with her kids but it looks drastic from when she met Magna’s group. Then I saw the clip of Michonne and Carol. First real conversation between them. The gifs didn’t do it for me but watching it and hearing Michonne talk about her kids was so overwhelming. First of all Michonne’s talking about her kids. It’s like for reals, Judith and RJ are her kids. She said all proud, RJ is almost tall as Judith now. Like wow there’s changes in the show. It’s for reals, RJ is here. (im not talking about the fandomwank) It’s like omg Grimes family! (Grimes 3.0) And then, omg it’s a lot to take in, she talks to Carol with the denim shirt she has on that Rick used to wear. It’s like Rick’s presence was there. :( It was also like a Carick moment for me and a Carol x Michonne x Rick moment.  Also, Carol mentioned about losing children and how they still kept going. It was something I wanted for them bond over. It felt like a big Team Family moment (or twd players) and maybe it was since ep 5/Rick’s last ep.  

 So I loved what the writers are doing so far with Michonne. I think it’s interesting with all the angst going on. I think part of Michonne being closed off is partly she still grieving on Rick, ofc. It’s been six years and by how she changed and wearing Rick’s old shirt. She really is having a hard time with the loss of Rick. Like imo, it looks like she’s having a really HARD time compared to other tv characters on shows I’ve seen. It’s kinda in-character for her to have a hard time to let go since she had those pet-walkers of Mike and Terry and was so closed-off for a long time before she met Andrea. I was thinking, being open-minded, like yeah she can start a new relationship because she doesn’t know Rick isn’t dead and it’s been 6 years. It’s okay and it’s her choice. (no hate on Lori). But with what Kang said and how they showed Michonne, she still doesn’t want to and she probably never will start a new romantic relationship, because Rick is her love of her life. Also, story-wise, Rick is still alive and Michonne is his love of his life and the protangist/hero of the TWD story, so it’s like they’ll find each other and have a happy ending. I don’t think the writers want to do it realistically/messy way of them having other romances when the ending of the story is near. Yeah, the ending is near-ish and I think the writers wanted to keep it simple with the Richonne storyline. Plus, Richonne was a likable power couple. They will reunite and be family again some day. So yeah I like this romantic angst going on with Michonne. It’s like Richonne moments are still going and well as seeing Michonne and kids together.

 I’m suspecting Michonne is being closed-off is because it’s like she wants everything to not change. She wants everything to be back to when before Rick’s “died” so then it’s like a hope or a new start that she and Rick can be together and lead and do other stuff together again. So she’s like staying in ASZ, pausing time, focusing on one thing/community/kids to be safe. To feel in control. Or, like she’s waiting a sign...or she actually has hope to see him again, because she didn’t have closure from burying Rick and saying goodbye to him. Idk but maybe it’s something else/partly like X mystery or dealing with TF disliking her. 

Idk, but I hope Judith and RJ get that radio to work and hear Rick’s message.

[ryukoishida]

QZGS|The King’s Avatar Fic: In which something nice happens to our birthday boy.

Title: Ágúst Fandom: The King’s Avatar / Quan Zhi Gao Shou Character(s)/Pairing(s): YuHuang Summary: Since his birthday happens during the summer break, Huang Shaotian is used to spending this day by himself, receiving messages and mailed gifts from his teammates and other pro-player friends in the Alliance. And without fail, his captain will always be the first to wish him a happy birthday, but this year seems a little different. [Takes place during the summer between S9 and S10] Part: 1/1 Rating: PG-13 A/N: Gasp. Me, writing something in canon-verse? Amazing. Literally just… mindless, cheesy fluff. Happy birthday to our beloved chatty Sword Saint! And happy birthday to @andthenabanana~

Writing Commission | Editing & Translation Services

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[Flowing Cloud]: Happy birthday, Huang Shao! Did you receive the package I sent you???

[Troubling Rain]: Thx, Xiao Lu! And yeah i did… Speaking of which, how do u figure im gonna finish all those snacks by myself, kid?!

A few days ago, the famed Sword Saint of Team Blue Rain had received an express delivery parcel from an unknown address in Taiwan: a giant box of local snack varieties from the team’s young swordsman. Placed atop of the rainbow packages of Kaui Che pork and beef jerky, fruit jellies, honey layer cakes, sugar and spice nougats, pineapple cakes, and for some strange reason, Alishan tea leaves, was a birthday card — and not just any plain, ol’ greeting card either. The brat had chosen the kind that played obnoxiously loud tinkling rendition of “Happy Birthday to You” when the receiver flipped open the card.

Huang Shaotian quickly snapped the card shut and winced at the horrid echo of the melody that had sounded especially strident in his quiet apartment, and one corner of his lips couldn’t help but lift upward into a heartfelt smile.

[Troubling Rain]: i cant stop eating those pineapple cakes and this is all ur fault, so u better buy more and bring them to the dorm after summer break! And whats up with the tea leaves? Im not captain, u know I dont drink that bitter stuff :(

[Flowing Cloud]: The tea is my mom’s contribution, I swear! Maybe you can give them to captain if you really don’t want it?

[Troubling Rain]: well…. in that case, thank ur mom for me, ok?

[Flowing Cloud]: Will do! ;) Anyway, I have to go now.

[Troubling Rain]: aight. And thx again for the present and card!

Popping one of the mango-flavoured fruit jellies into his mouth, Huang Shaotian exited the private message window he was using while texting Lu Hanwen, and scrolled back up the chat log in the Blue Rain group chat, where members had been posting about their summer adventures in the forms of (sometimes rather “artistically” blurry) photographs featuring either gorgeous sceneries of foreign countries or delicious food they’d found. In between the envious ooh-ing and fascinated aah-ing at the colourful photos were members discussing the transfers during the summer window, various Glory-related rumors and news, and other things that only reclusive young men who spent most of their days playing games on their computers were interested in.

Though most of them hailed from different parts of Guangdong, so they’d return home to visit their families and take the time to rest until the new season began in September, a few of them still found the energy and time to take a nice vacation with their friends or family and travel abroad after an intense month-and-a-half of spending hours fighting level 75 Wild Bosses and gathering rare materials in the online game.

Lu Hanwen, for example, was currently enjoying a brief but lovely trip in Taiwan with his parents. Having debuted at such a young and tender age, Lu Hanwen had missed out on a lot of experiences that teenagers his age usually encountered; he had also undergone a lot of pressure and scrutiny that kids his age usually didn’t have to suffer through — this past season had taught him that the hard way.  

On the trip back to Guangzhou, with his eyes still bloodshot from the frustrated tears that he’d wiped dry just a few minutes ago, Lu Hanwen promised both his captain and vice-captain that he would train hard over the summer so that he would not make such mistakes during team matches again.

Before Huang Shaotian could open his mouth, Xu Jingxi was already ruffling the teenager’s hair from the seat behind, which earned him an indignant ‘hey!’ from Lu Hanwen but laughter from the rest of the team.

“It’s okay,” Yu Wenzhou had said, his smile gentle, his gaze calm but warm. “You already did really well, Hanwen, so take your time over the summer to recover and return for another year of hard work come September.”

Since they knew the kind of boy Lu Hanwen was, Yu Wenzhou had made sure to give Lu Hanwen’s parents a call as well.  

And it seemed like the kid was enjoying himself with his family.

Huang Shaotian paused when he saw the photos that Yu Wenzhou had posted late last night. Most of the photos he’d taken were breathtaking nature sceneries: mountain ridges still coated with a layer of snow at the peaks, flat surface of a lake reflecting sapphire and jade specks surrounded by lush forests; only one or two photos featured Yu Wenzhou himself, and even then, those pictures were taken with an unsteady hand, but Huang Shaotian could still appreciate his wind-swept hair and smiling lips — a little more open and carefree than the one he always wore in front of the journalists, a little more careless — amidst the shards of shadows that fell around him from the foliage above.

He mentioned that he was travelling to the west coast of Canada to visit some relatives that had immigrated to Vancouver quite some years ago, and his cousins had taken him to all sorts of local places to hike and camp. It was a fact known by many other pro-players and the fanbase of Blue Rain that Yu Wenzhou, despite his delicate and refined appearance that he displayed before the public, was surprisingly an outdoorsy type; one wouldn’t assume so from the fact that he was the captain of an eSports team who presumably spent a lot of his time indoors, but that’d never stopped him from visiting the closest national park for a half-day hike or going on a two-week long camping trip in the mountainous region of Yunnan.  

With an impatient sigh, Huang Shaotian scrolled back to the most recent messages in the group chat, but what he was seeking was simply not there. He couldn’t help but feel the immense heaviness in his heart grew a little degree more; he bit his lower lip and considered sending the other man a message but almost immediately decided against that.

He slammed his phone into the pillow beside him and dived face-down into the mattress with a muffled groan that sounded like a slowly-dying animal. He couldn’t do this anymore. He couldn’t stand this anymore.

Fuck.

Yes, he liked Yu Wenzhou.

No, not as friends or teammates or bros or anything like that. What were we — still elementary school kids?

No. Huang Shaotian more than liked Yu Wenzhou; he was in love with the guy, all right? He wanted to hold his hand, and embrace him, and kiss him, and… and yes, sleep with him. He wanted to do all those wonderful, wonderful things with Yu Wenzhou but there was only one problem: Yu Wenzhou didn’t know anything about this and Huang Shaotian didn’t know how to tell him without scaring his captain away.

Every year, without fail, Yu Wenzhou would be the first person to send him birthday wishes. In most of those instances, he’d be out of town, so birthday wishes would come in various forms: a mailed card, a text, a voice recording, or even a thoughtful little souvenir from wherever he’d been travelling to. But August 10th was almost over, and other than the small set of photos he’d uploaded onto the team group chat yesterday, Yu Wenzhou’s username and icon remained disappointingly grey in his friend list.

It was 11:46pm when the doorbell to his apartment unit rang with an urgent flair, effectively pulling Huang Shaotian out of his dreary reverie.

He wasn’t expecting any guests at this hour, though it wouldn’t be the first time that a few of his teammates, along with a few close friends from the Alliance, who apparently had nothing better to do than to drop by Guangzhou and pester him (i.e. giving him a surprise birthday party, which, despite his mumbling and grumbling, he actually appreciated), showed up at his door without as much as a text ahead of time.

What he hadn’t expect to find was one Yu Wenzhou, a timeworn suitcase sitting by his feet and a hefty duffle bag on his shoulder. It looked like he’d been rushing to get here, for his breathing was still unsteady and his sweat-stained, ink-black hair was plastered messily over his forehead and stuck to the nape of his neck.

“C-Captain? W-What are you—”

“Did I make it in time?” Yu Wenzhou asked, his brows suddenly dipping in concern, and when he didn’t get an answer from his vice-captain, he added, “my phone battery was dead on the flight back.”

“What? In time for what?” Huang Shaotian was still bewildered; he still couldn’t believe that Yu Wenzhou — who was supposed to be in the wilderness somewhere in the west coast of North America roasting marshmallows over a bonfire or hunting bears or whatever it was that they did when people went camping — that Yu Wenzhou was currently standing in his doorway.

He blinked once, twice, speechless.

“Shaotian…” Yu Wenzhou reached over and touched him gingerly on the shoulder. “Your birthday. Did I come back in time for your birthday?”

Oh.

“It’s not midnight yet,” Huang Shaotian replied numbly, at least the last time he checked, which wasn’t that long ago, actually.

“Great!” Yu Wenzhou heaved a relieved sigh, and then with a softer smile and a warm gaze that was similar to the usual one he gave his teammates —but it was slightly off, yet Huang Shaotian was still too stunned by his captain’s sudden appearance that he couldn’t quite comprehend the expression that seemed so obvious when he thought back upon it later on — he said, “in that case, happy birthday, Shaotian.”

“T-Thank you,” Huang Shaotian lowered his head to hide the flush that’d suddenly bloomed across his cheeks, realizing that for once, he couldn’t look directly into Yu Wenzhou’s eyes. He was afraid of discovering what lay within those ink-blue depths; he was scared that he’d see something wonderful there only to find out that it was all in his imagination, his misinterpretation, a misunderstanding. Then, his logic — being lost somewhere between his fretful phone-scrolling and Yu Wenzhou’s unannounced arrival — finally caught up. “Wait, wait a fucking minute, hold on for just a second. W-what the hell are you even doing here, Captain? Aren’t you supposed to be in, like, the mountains strumming a guitar and singing songs around a campfire or something?”

Yu Wenzhou raised a brow, one corner of his lips tucked upwards into an amused grin, “I’m absolutely tone-deaf, Shaotian, or don’t you remember?”

Good lord, of course he remembered, Huang Shaotian winced visibly at the reminder. The one time their whole team decided to celebrate someone’s birthday at a karaoke was the last time they did so, because everyone belatedly discovered that, as soon as their captain, who was known to have a gentle, mesmerizing speaking voice, started opening his mouth to sing the first verse of Eason Chan’s famous ballad “Ten Years”, they all wished they’d brought some earplugs with them, even if it meant disrespecting (or insulting) their nice, kind captain.

“Okay, okay, fine, that wasn’t actually even the point. The point is—"

“Shaotian…” Yu Wenzhou interrupted softly with a helpless smile that was enough to stop the other man in the middle of his rant.

“Uh, yes?” Huang Shaotian halted, eyes widening a little.

“Aren’t you going to let me in?”

“Oh. Oh! Yeah, yeah come on in!” His blush deepened, but he turned around quickly to shuffle over and make space for Yu Wenzhou to step into his apartment. After setting his bags and shoes down at the entranceway, Yu Wenzhou made his way to the couch in the living-room, his manner casual as if he’d been here many times, felt comfortable enough to make himself at home on his vice-captain’s couch.

“You want something to drink?” Huang Shaotian was already walking towards the tiny kitchen he barely used, and without waiting for Yu Wenzhou to reply, he muttered, “I’ll get you something to drink. Uh, let’s see, what do I have in here?”

Some rummaging and a yelped curse later — presumably in his haste, he’d accidentally hit his head on something — Huang Shaotian came out with two bottles of beverage.

When Yu Wenzhou glanced over, he couldn’t help but let a corner of his lips curved up into an amused smile. For whatever reason, Huang Shaotian was currently acting like as if he was the uninvited guest, maneuvering carefully around his own home like the floor was covered in glass and he was trying not to startle the man sitting in his living-room. He placed the two bottles of peach-flavored black tea onto the coffee table and sat down gingerly beside Yu Wenzhou, taking special precaution to leave a good amount of space between them.

“You don’t seem too happy to see me, Shaotian,” Yu Wenzhou observed, picking up the bottle easily and twisting the cap off to take a sip of the artificially sweetened iced tea.

“That’s crazy talk, captain! Of course I’m happy to see you — I’m absolutely thrilled to see you!” Huang Shaotian stuttered, and decided that now was a good time to drink his tea as well, but his hands were shaking so much that it took him a few seconds before he could grip the cap properly. He gulped down the liquid as if his life depended on it, and when half of the tea had been consumed, his nerves seemed to have returned as well. He sighed, looking away, and murmured, “I was just — I didn’t expect to see you here, of all places, this late at night, is all. You could’ve said something, you know? I could’ve come to the airport to pick you up.”

“Then it wouldn’t be a surprise anymore, now would it?”

A soft hint of laugher was laced within Yu Wenzhou’s low voice, like the softest breeze ruffling through the summer flower fields — sweet and sensual.

“N-No, I guess not.”

It was the voice that caressed his heart late at night, when his dreams were consumed by the images of the man he’d grown up with — from awkward teenagers who competed with each other for a spot in the team to partners standing side-by-side, protecting each other’s backs, creating opportunities for each other to attack and invade and win — and those images had been strange yet mesmerizing. The slow fumbling fingers on the keyboard that everyone in the Alliance teased about were elegant and left spots of sparks on his bare skin, his smiling lips against the curve of his ear, his neck, his teeth sinking into his supple skin and leaving marks on his hips and the insides of his thighs, his heated breaths mixing with Huang Shaotian’s gasps, ragged and fragmented syllables of their names falling from their parted lips…

Huang Shaotian didn’t remember when he’d first started having these indecent dreams about his captain, but as much as he hated himself for having them in the first place, he couldn’t let the sensations disappear once he woke up; he couldn’t let him go.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t the first person to wish you happy birthday,” Yu Wenzhou began once more after he put the bottle of tea down, his voice slightly strained with regret as he returned his gaze towards Huang Shaotian.  

“Why should you be sorry—” Huang Shaotian snapped his head up and stared directly at the other man, his topaz eyes widened with puzzlement.

“Because I want to spend every birthday with you, Shaotian, and I want to always be the first person to wish you a happy birthday,” Yu Wenzhou smiled up at him, as if the statement that just came out of his mouth was a casual, harmless comment about the weather, like it was the most apparent, most genuine sentiment in the world. He tilted his head slightly to the side so that his dark forelocks fell into his eyes, his cheeks tinting just the faintest shade of pink, his smile soft, his voice softer, “is that not obvious?”

“I—I…”

At the back of his mind, Huang Shaotian thought he knew he understood the meaning of each word, but when stringed together like this, when Yu Wenzhou — the man he respected so much as the team’s captain, the friend he treasured so much over the years of ups and downs in their career, the boy he gradually learned to admire though he’d refused to admit this when he was younger, more stubborn — when he spoke to him like this, it was difficult for Huang Shaotian to understand anything.

His mind was buzzing, rearranging the words to make sense out of them, and when it finally clicked, blood roared in his ears, tainting his cheeks red. Everything else in his brain was lost and drowned out by only one, single thought: Yu Wenzhou likes me, he likes me, he likes me, he likes me…

“Y-You’re not playing fair, Yu Wenzhou!”

“They do say those who use tactics have dirty hearts,” Yu Wenzhou’s smile grew a little bolder, a little more mischievous. He shuffled closer, and Huang Shaotian could do nothing but be captivated by the almost animalistic, hungry look in Yu Wenzhou’s eyes — an emotion he’d never seen before, an emotion he dared not fantasize about because it was too dangerous, too damn dangerous — and it wasn’t until his back hit the stiff armrest of his couch that he realized that Yu Wenzhou had successfully trapped him in between his arms.

He leaned forward until their foreheads were touching lightly, their breaths mingling — shallow, hot, irresistible.

There was nowhere for him to escape, but he didn’t want to, Huang Shaotian thought, he’d been running for years now, and he wanted to stop, to rest, to find his way home.

Yu Wenzhou’s eyes held only him, and him alone, and Huang Shaotian felt his heart beating beneath his ribs, beating so hard he was afraid Yu Wenzhou might hear it, might tease him for it, but then Yu Wenzhou was holding his hand and guiding it so that his palm was lying flat against the left side of his chest, and Yu Wenzhou’s heart was palpitating hard, too, like he’d been running for miles, for years.

And Huang Shaotian thought with a smile, gods we’d both been such idiots.

“So, Shaotian, what do you say? Will you let me?” Yu Wenzhou asked in a whisper, words branded on skin.

“Let you… what?” Huang Shaotian sounded weary. This may be a confession — one that he’d only dreamed too many times about in the past, it was true — but he hadn’t forgotten the fact that he was still dealing with one of the great tacticians of Glory.

“Let me accompany you on your birthdays in the years to come,” Yu Wenzhou answered easily, brushing the tip of his thumb gently across Huang Shaotian’s cheek, feeling the heat pooled there, his mesmerized gaze, the way his irises darkened at his touch.

“Only if your kissing skills are better than your terrible hand-speed,” Huang Shaotian challenged him with a shaky grin.

“You’re on,” Yu Wenzhou chuckled, and closed the distance between them with a kiss, too ready and keen to show Huang Shaotian what he was capable of.

This, Huang Shaotian decided faintly before he was entirely distracted by Yu Wenzhou’s consuming kisses, was the best birthday he could ever ask for.

[elizabethrobertajones]

Hey you, during the course of this season i Have seen more and more people leave the fandom or grow disinterested in spn, and im confused why that it. I get why maybe s12 wouldnt be a fave season but if I look at the wank and bads of the previous ones (destiel fiasco in/out the show s9, charlies death Dean cruelty to Cas in s10, Dean/baby love interest s11) s12 didnt really do much that would drive people away en masse I feel? Yet it seems like more people left it :(

Heya! :D

Idk, maybe it was that more vocal people drifted off? I always feel like people’s attention spans are usually only a few years or so. I mean, I feel like I’ve been in the fandom a Long Time and I’ve only been here since the end of season 9, so really this is only my 3rd hiatus, and coming up to 4th year watching with fandom, on a 12 year show I’ve been watching for nearly 10 years, for the most part as a moderately casual viewer… I think I clock up about 5 years major interest and then drift, based on me vs several other things like how invested I was in LotR or Harry Potter or Animorphs, or whatever (to go back in time to my pre-teen interests :P) and it’s not a bad thing and I still love 2 of those franchises and have engagement in them but back to being a casual fan (if “religiously watches LotR at Christmas” is casual allowing for cultural/social stuff, but I’m not composing Legolas/Aragon smut in my teenage journal in secret code any more :P) 

Anyway the season 8 bubble of fandom could be deflating about now - that’s long enough for people to feel they’ve given the show their full attention and it’s still going so it’s getting tiring. That’s the major feeling I get - people are exhausted and we had a baby boomer fandom around season 8 so that ~generation~ of fans is now reaching the natural end of its attention span in a very human natural way. But there’s a ton of new or newer fans who are still enjoying the heck out of it, and the fandom’s still huge and full of people with a commitment to the show or ships. And some people don’t work like that and are loyal from start to finish or commit to TV shows fully to see them to their end. I would dump a show I was getting bored of but come back to watch the end later in a big marathon to find out what happened, but Supernatural hasn’t given me a reason to get totally un-invested until that time… I suspect a lot of people will watch the entire show ONE DAY but don’t want to do fandom and give it all their leisure time any more either.

[under a cut for meandering rambling]

But yeah I think you’ve named some pretty big mass exodus moments (I would like to clarify “Dean/baby” is “Dean/Amara-as-an-infant” right? Because Dean/Baby totally was a thing in 11x04 and it was GLORIOUS :P) and I feel like I DID lose people from my dash all through the time I’ve been watching. Heck, I hit up fandom right after 9x18, and started following people, and that was the JIB of “we don’t play it that way” so I immediately was following several abandoned blogs and I’d barely even started to get to know the landscape :P I feel like people HAVE been jumping ship the entire time and I remember most of those instances as sadly clearing several favourite people off my dash or turning them into different fandom blogs that I eventually unfollowed out of confusion… 

I don’t know, I think people leave when they want to leave because as long as you like the core of a thing and it holds your interest, you can forgive or ignore or scowl at but hold out for better the bad bits and problematic parts. I’m sort of weary of them killing all the women and PoC but I’m still at the stage where I identify it sucks, but I still care too much about the main characters that I’m sort of stuck on this ride with them. 

(I have 2x21 paused on the screen next to me right as Sam meets all the special children, aka introducing Lily the lesbian who dies horribly as a disposable red shirt to show how awful this situation is, and Jake, a black guy whose power is being super strong and to fall to Azazel’s manipulation, kill Sam, and then get killed with extreme overkill by Sam. In the same season he set the cops on Gordon, also a black man who was really aggro and cruel, but in the next season becomes a monster and Sam kills him also one of the most brutal kills he has up there with Jake. Basically, the show’s always had some issues and if we carried on watching all the way to season 12, well, apply self-reflection, but at this point if you’ve been watching as long as I have, you just kind of accept the show sucks at certain things, and for ME personally it’s not kicking off the sort of weariness that others felt about Billie and Alicia and Eileen being killed off this season)

… I don’t really have a point, expect about the demographics of fandom during season 8 getting to the end of their interest now. I don’t think EVERYONE who did will leave, and we’re getting fresh blood all the time, but I think that’s just part of the nature of being in fandom. I don’t think season 12 is particularly bad from my experience, although some pretty high profile bloggers have gotten exhausted - again, they’ve been maintaining blogs and producing content since single digit seasons so they’ve contributed a LOT to the fandom and there’s a fatigue about contribution as well… 

That’s partially why I meta and gif and write fic and occasionally make random shitposts… I don’t want to burn out because any one of those things on its own can get pretty boring, even writing fic. Or especially, idk, as a writer I tend to bounce around projects, so this is keeping me weirdly focused on writing my original fiction on one side of my brain and fan fic on the other and it seems to be a better way of splitting my attention… But I digress. :P 

I know how to manage my own brain to some degree but I have a lot of time to contemplate and self-reflect on why I’m in fandom and what I get out of it, and mostly I just conclude I’m bored and house-bound and I’ve found a few tried and tested things that get me some positive attention in a non-weird rat with a pleasure button way like people running hate blogs or something… But I know my own head and that I can get bored of stuff so I marathon a lot of other shows and think about other things than fandom stuff as much as possible and just let this be the gutter my brain drains into when my attention span is too shot to hell to do anything else and I just want to slump over a keyboard and do the easiest activity I know bar playing Animal Crossing for hours. 

Other people with busier lives and actual jobs and energy and limbs that don’t just randomly stop working when they do anything for more than 5 minutes and so on might not be casual fans but they make a certain space in their life for fandom and get out of it what they need but it’s a high quality demand thing so if their carefully allocated me-time isn’t rewarding them like it should it’s totally their right to go find another OTP to amuse themselves with a fandom producing stuff they want to see and a media source that’s giving them what they want immediately and in a way they don’t have to “look for scraps” as some people were saying about Destiel in season 9, 10 and 11 while things were thinner on the ground.

And as one of the too-much-free-time fandom contributors, I’ve got an enormous luxury to stick out things people who don’t have time for being jerked around or over-analysing to find what they want to see have… Although I’ll try and pass on my thoughts for the people with less time to think them to try and help them enjoy themselves as much as possible :P Anyway I think a whole range of reasons happen that people might get fatigued of the show especially as lives change and people blogging enthusiastically one day might get a job or a new relationship or a dog or SOMETHING and just not spend quite so much time online and then discover they don’t NEED to spend so much time on fandom, and drift naturally… Then try and find some reason on the show they’ve stopped watching, but often it’s just that things look worse after time away when the spark has started to fade because it’s not being nurtured in the same way any more. 

And 12 years is a LONG ASS TIME to be invested in something, so I think in general the fatigue or changing interests is all over the place and we might see it more and more as people drift… People who might watch it all as a catch up one day maybe a year or two after the show ends, but just don’t have the patience to stay in fandom and put in that energy over and over and over. 

Also the show is in a really weird place where it has some of the best writers it’s ever had in Berens and the newbie writers, and Dabb’s doing some fascinating things with the plot, but Buckleming are the executors of the story, in several interpretations of that phrase :P And there are people who skip MotW and find them unimportant or would judge the season on the plot, not the heart of the story… It’s a pretty precarious place, quality-wise. I think season 11 and 12 are a proper like, silver age revival of the MotW (with Nancy Won and Robbie giving last season a massive boost) where I think those episodes are really innovative and interesting, and the writers are being allowed a lot of freedom to play on THOSE canvases, but while the character development and *reasons* for the story have been fascinating and important, obviously 5 of the plot episodes this latest season were Buckleming and crucial to watch to know wtf was going on, even though the writers of those episodes seem to have such a terrible problem with hating the audience (literally, it’s in their scripts and off-screen comments), the genre, second drafts, common human decency towards characters and understanding why they’re important, pacing, you name it… :P So the show literally has 2 faces these days and depending on which one you see when you think of season 12, probably defines how you feel about the show as a whole and all that. I treat the plot episodes these days as a necessary evil between episodes written by people who actually like the show and care about it and its characters (see also: my non-stop sobbing about 12x22 since it aired)… But seeing the other face can really cast a cloud over the show and I’ve seen it make people wonder why the other writers even try. (I mean Perez did an incredible salvage job on Crowley in 12x15 only for it to immediately get yanked away again the next time BL wrote him and I think only they really got to play with him for the rest of the season, meaning all that work to make it seem important and thematically relevant that Perez had set up in 12x12 and messed with in 12x15 ended up being for nothing and Dabb had no time to do anything deep with Crowley, because 12x13 turns out to be the big Crowley & Rowena farewell episode, except for how it flubbed the entire premise of Grand Send Off Episode a la 7x10 or something despite all the ingredients being there…)

I am just rambling now so… Gonna hit post. Hope this makes sense :P This is just my interpretation of how people are feeling/how fandom as an entity seems to work, so it’s pretty subjective and others might feel very differently especially people who have been in negative echo chambers while I’ve built myself a reasonably positive one plus SENSIBLE and CONSTRUCTIVE wanky criticism that doesn’t go off the deep end :P

[circuitousgrievance]

KANKRI: -Its been a lot. Everything. Everything ever has been a lot and Kankri isnt quite sure he knows what he feels right now as he sits outside right near the entrance of the ship. Ideally maybe the air would clear his head and he could think a little better about what it is he should be doing now that this whole nightmare is over.-

GAMZEE: =Whitenoise, all of it. His head has been worse for the duration of this experience. All emotions and thoughts he can't get a hold of, arrange in any kind of comprehensible fashion, or simply allow to settle. It's been a stupor of anger and helplessness, and he's struggling to cope. With himself and everything around. With everyone around. He's been out walking again, more or less in a daze trying to outspeed the hazy flickering at the back of his mind seeping into the corners of his vision. It's frizzing even now as he spots Kankri sitting outside.= 

GAMZEE: =Ultimately, after just watching for a little, he walks on over to him to plop down by his side. He doesn't look at him, instead trying to catch what Kankri might be looking at out in the air.= mind trailing on the breeze?

KANKRI: -He is not quite looking at anything in particular, probably that rock several yards away. He doesnt much react when Gamzee sits down next to him, but he does briefly glance at him.- Yes. 

KANKRI: Very much s9.

KANKRI: H9w are y9u?

GAMZEE: =A very interesting rock then, since they are both looking at it. He shrugs a shoulder.= LIKELY AS FINE AS ANY OTHER MOTHER FUCKER LEFT AFTER THIS HORROR SHOW. 

GAMZEE: regardless ain't me what i be of concern on now. =Looks at him finally (guess the rock wasn't that interesting after all). Instead of asking if he's okay, a stupid and pointless question, he wraps one arm around his shoulders in a one armed hug.=

KANKRI: -He thinks an interesting rock, in fact boy that rock is damn awe inspiring just look at how his eyes start to water a little when Gamzee wraps an arm around him, all for that rock, boy.- 

KANKRI: -He does briefly tense up during the initial embrace but only for a moment before his muscles relax and he leans against Gamzee.-

GAMZEE: =The rock is truly an inspiration to us all... He simply holds his arm on him in a loose drape while Kankri tenses, only pulling him in against him once he's relaxed and leaning. Fingers rub against Kankri's shoulder in slow steady motions, his cheek resting against the top of Kankri's head. He's never been good with words, not even after the supor left his system. They're caught in his chest, and for now he doesn't know if he's capable of fishing it out. Instead he speaks with a gentle squeeze to Kankri's shoulders, giving what comfort he could.=

KANKRI: -The silence is really appreciated, more and more lately Kankri found himself not wanting to spend the energy on the words he usually gushed out. Simple was fine, simple was better. And after a minute or so of this, and a few silently shed tears, Kankri slowly straightens himself up and wipes at his eyes with the back of his hand.- 

KANKRI: I'm fine. Its 9kay.

GAMZEE: =The tight grip on him loosens somewhat once he straightens, letting him move as he liked. Gamzee watches him wipe his tears, turning more towards him to let his free hand touch his cheek. Thumb swiping below his eye, catching tears.= YOU AIN'T. 

 GAMZEE: but ain't no crime in having youself be so.

KANKRI: -No, his cheek is gross with the wetness of his weakness.- 

KANKRI: -But still thats a really sweet gesture and he reaches his hand up to take Gamzee's and hold it.- Well I'm g9ing t9 6e fine. 

 KANKRI: Its just a matter 9f waiting it 9ut, which I will d9. In the mean time I can f9cus 9n h9w thankful I am that this is 9ver and I w9nt 6e l9sing any9ne else.

GAMZEE: =Crying isn't weakness, but whatever floats his boat. He twines their fingers together, not saying anything straight away as his words swirl around in his pan. The whitenoise is more insistant. He has to wet his lips before speaking, gaze flitting off just to the side of Kankri's face then back again.= 

GAMZEE: DOUBT HE NEEDING ON HAVING ME TELL HIM THAT SIMPLE WAIT WITH FEELINGS UNPROCESSED AND ADRESSED AIN'T HOW A MOTHER FUCKER BEST HANDLE HIM SHIT. 

GAMZEE: requires work, adressin', have a real time to break apart then build back on up anew.

KANKRI: Perhaps that is true, 6ut currently my moirail is unc9nci9us and s9 at the very least Im just g9ing t9 have t9 wait until I get t9 adressing any 9f it. -Its a good excuse.-

GAMZEE: =Squeezes his hand.= CANNOT LET THEM FEELS FESTER WITH LINGERING CLAWS, BROTHER. 

GAMZEE: find on ways to give release elsewise while john rest.

GAMZEE: =He scoots closer, eyes firmly set on his.= WAYS OF ESCAPING-- RETREATIN', FIND SOME PLACE WHERE ALL AIN'T SO MUCH WHAT IT BE. 

GAMZEE: for a time, not always, until it good.

KANKRI: -Turns to meet his deep purple gaze with his own duller red, and he listens to him and tries to grasp the concept of those words.- 

KANKRI: Are y9u suggesting t9 me attempts 9f meditiati9n?

GAMZEE: =It's frustrating how he can't seem to make people understand, much less himself. The idea was already there, he knew, but all this time he'd been teethering. Unsure whether to do one thing or the next. He had never made true desicions for himself, where to go, other than... Ones that lead him to other people, make connections he so longed for. This time it was nothing like that, a desicion that would lead to more loneliness he had thought, but maybe it didn't have to.= ESCAPE IT BE WHAT I SUGGEST, PHYSICAL AS BE SPIRITUAL. 

GAMZEE: have a way aways from here, noise and mofos suffering louder than what they dare speak, than what they dare spill from headspace feeling on too heavy for themselves. 

GAMZEE: AS OF PATH WE NOW DO TRAVEL, TIME WILL COME WHEN A MOTHERFUCKER CANNOT KEEP HIS STEPS, AS WHAT WICKED NOISE ROLLS IN HIM FEELS AND MIND BE TOO PIERCING.

KANKRI: -His eyebrows knit together in confusion as he hears out the idea, and then it hits him what Gamzee is proposing and suddenly his stomach is swirling and it feels like up and down might be switched.- 

KANKRI: .....Leaving. -He needs to say it just in his own voice, for clarity. And he briefly flashes back to his last sugar high and all the rambling about living on Avalon and finally escaping the misery that followed this ship. It was still such an intoxicating thought and dream, but without the drug jacking up his heart rate and erasing the emotional and responsibility tethers he had here... Kankri found the idea a gut churning bitter sweet.-

KANKRI: I... Leaving the ship. Leaving every9ne else.

KANKRI: I d9n't think that I...can. J9hn will never leave and. 

KANKRI: And then there is Porrim, and Horuss, and-- -He swallows.-

KANKRI: I kn9w I'm n9t much use t9 this crew 6ut we've c9me this far while I d9nt really 6elieve t99 hard it fate I still feel like there is reas9n t9 stay, t9 keep seeing where it leads.

GAMZEE: =His eyes are searching, confused, even after Kankri is done explaining. His knuckles whitening at how tightly he is holding his hand, then easing the grip once he realises how tightly he'd hold the hand resting in his. It wasn't a surprising answer. He'd expected it frankly, but there had still been that brief flash of hope that he didn't have to start over. That someone would be with him. It's a selfish request, he knew it deep down. One that couldn't be done. Still, apart from his desire to not be alone, he did want for Kankri to be happy. To find some peace. He laughs airly, shaking his head.= ain't useless, all peeps got some use in them for one or other. 

GAMZEE: DON'T SUGGEST ON LEAVING FOREVER, AIN'T WHAT-- MOTHER FUCK. 

GAMZEE: ain't what i'm saying at yous, or... what it be i is suggest. 

GAMZEE: JUST 'TIL ON AIN'T HURT NO MORE. 

GAMZEE: 'tils you don't cry or feel like you ain't you and none is right.

KANKRI: -He did wince a little from the strength of the grip, but since Gamzee stopped soon enough he didnt say anything or pull his hand away.-  

KANKRI: -He does need to look away though, feeling the tightness in his stomach rapidly crawling up into his chest at the flashes of upset he can see in Gamzee's face.- As great as that s9unds, (fuck) as amazing and h9pefull as that s9unds. Leaving isnt g9ing t9 make me feel 6etter, Gamzee. 

 KANKRI: I already tried leaving my pr96lems 9nce, and thats h9w I ended up 9n this ship in the first place. I just-- -He pauses a moment to take a breath and force himself to look at Gamzee again, just really take in the sight of this troll sitting next to him, being there for him, pestering and pushing him to get better.- I can't leave. I d9nt want t9.

GAMZEE: =It hurts hearing that, and it hurts more feeling how he's getting angry about it. Angry that Kankri is saying no, that he has so little hold on his temper, angry that his wistful fantasies so rarely come true. He knows it isn't right to demand it, to expect it, nor to get angry over him telling him no. The whitenoise is overpowering, and he swallows. He wonders if he is doing the same thing, that when presented with the option to "take a break to heal" by Tavros he wasn't actually going to do so. That he was just finding another way of escapism. Gamzee's jaw sets tightly, as if he wants  to yell (and he wants to), something stinging painfully at his eyes and then... His expression falls, tension gone, but with apathy in it's place. The one safespace he had left.= 

GAMZEE: KNOW YOU BEST, THAT HOW IT FALL IN THE END OF ALL THINGS. 

GAMZEE: ain't forcin' you to do none what you don't wish, can't push mine careless shit so far. 

GAMZEE: =He swipes a thumb over Kankri's knuckles slowly, then lets go of his hand all together to wrap his arms around his own knees. Eyes back to the rock over yonder.= 

 GAMZEE: =The rock holds no answers to his thoughts, of what might be right, instead he spills the truth as it is. Harsh and all.= 

 GAMZEE: ONCE WE ALLS MORE SKYBOUND, A TRASHASS CLOWN WILL BE NONE MORE.

KANKRI: -That split moment of anger in Gamzee is shocking, it threw Kankri off to see it but at the very least its ebbing away and so Kankri can release the breath of anxiety he didnt know he was holding onto. However when Gamzee releases his hand he almost tries to grab it back, but no, he hesitates and then lowers it.- 

KANKRI: .................... -It was what he had been starting to fear over the course of this conversation. Obviously he couldn't stop Gamzee from leaving anymore then he could convince him against staying. And it sucked. It actually physically hurt and suddenly Kankri feels extremely winded and like his entire body is burning and there isnt any real way to stop it. He wont cry though, hes not going to cry now. He just swallows it down a dry throat, and turns his gaze forward again.- 

KANKRI: If thats what y9u want then 9kay. 

KANKRI: ...I will miss y9u.

GAMZEE: =His fists clench as he sits there. Only briefly as the nonsensical swill of grief and anger rises in his throat, only to be pushed down again. He keeps his eyes focused on the rock to keep from going back on what he's saying. What he is going to do.= 

GAMZEE: =He laughs, humorless.= ain't what i want. 

GAMZEE: BUT IS WHAT I IS NEEDING. 

GAMZEE: can't go on up and witnessing these sickening displays, have them what matter torn apart while own pan make none sense. 

GAMZEE: SPEAK OF USELESS THEN IF THERE BE ONE HE NEED LOOK NONE FURTHER THAN HERE. =Taps a finger to his temple.= 

GAMZEE: more in the now than before, be what i is slow to realise. 

GAMZEE: BRING ON MY OWN ASS UNDONE, TO CONTINUE THIS HERE PATH WHICH I TAKE. 

GAMZEE: thus bring on all else what mattering to me. 

GAMZEE: =Sighs shakily, swallowing thickly.= SO IT MUST BE, THAT I STRAY. GAMZEE: =His voice shakes now, angry and upset.= but never don't come at me like that. 

GAMZEE: THINKING IT SOME SHIT I GONE UP CRAVE AND WANT. GAMZEE: for none less true. 

GAMZEE: =Rubs his face, turning to Kankri with his voice more level.= YOUS MATTER, STILL DO, WON'T STOP. 

GAMZEE: don't think i ain't true in that.

KANKRI: Right. N9, I kn9w. -He still doesnt look at him and keeps turned away.- 

 KANKRI: We are 69th d9ing what we need t9. I hate that circumstances are what they are and that every day its wearing d9wn every9ne that much m9re. 6ut I understand y9u want-- needing t9 leave. 

 KANKRI: I w9uldnt want y9u t9 stay and risk y9urself anym9re then I w9uld h9pe y9u w9uld feel if the r9les were reversed.

KANKRI: I'm angry. I d9nt like it. 6ut that has n9thing t9 d9 with y9u, and it w9uld 6e selfish 9f me t9 h9ld any anam9sity t9wards y9u f9r it. S9 I d9n't.

GAMZEE: RATHER YOU UP AND SPILL WHAT FURIOSITY YOU GOT AT A CLOWN. 

GAMZEE: than keep it on inside with the rest.

KANKRI: -He finally looks at him again and when he does Gamzee can see his face is red and he scowls and snaps.- I just t9ld y9u I d9nt!!

KANKRI: ........have any. -Takes a deep breath and tries to settle himself.-

GAMZEE: =He's watching him, the whitenoise overpowering and the apathy fully settled.= 

 GAMZEE: AND IF SHIT BE TRUTH, THEN SKIES BE GREEN AND GRASS BLUE.

KANKRI: UGH! D9 y9u want me t9 6e angry with y9u?? T9 6e upset and yell? What g99d w9uld that h9nestly d9 f9r either 9f us right n9w!

GAMZEE: to let it go.

KANKRI: May6e I d9nt want t9! 9r at the very least end it all with us screaming at each 9ther.

GAMZEE: GOT ALL RIGHTS TO BE ANGRY, WON'T UP AND TELL ON YOU TO BE ELSEWISE. 

GAMZEE: only have none want to know i leave when words are unsaid. GAMZEE: FILL ON NOTHING BUT REGRET.

KANKRI: 9kay fine. Then I'll say it. -He huffs and folds his arms tightly.- KANKRI: I am angry. Furi9us. At y9u f9r saying y9ure g9ing t9 leave, and its stupid and childish 6ut it feels like y9u are leaving just me and- 

 KANKRI: And it hurts! It hurts 6ecause it makes me wish we never g9t inv9lved 6ecause then I w9uldn't 6e feeling like calling y9u a c9ward 9r 9ther h9rri6le things purely 9ut 9f pers9nal spite. 6ecause as much as I want t9 reas9n with myself that y9u getting away fr9m all this is the 6est p9ssi6le thing f9r y9u I can't help 6ut feel resentment t9wards y9u and its n9t fair t9 either 9f us and that just manages t9 get me even m9re angry a69ut the wh9le thing!!

GAMZEE: =In one way apathy really hurts, it makes you numb and nothing... Nothing matters or feels remotely real, but at the same time it can serve as a comfort. A protection against things that are too much. It's the latter now, a comfort as he simply takes it. Takes the anger Kankri is spilling over him.= GAMZEE: cannot blame you on your feels, brother. 

GAMZEE: IF ROLES WERE IN REVERSE, KNOW WELL ON HAVE HIMSELF THE SIMILAR STIRRINGS IN MINESELF. 

GAMZEE: feel anger on mine own ass as were, that i ain't more right in the pan. 

GAMZEE: STRONGER OR BETTER, MORE KNOWING ON ALLS THIS SHIT WHAT SPILL. 

GAMZEE: but i ain't, and that what i hate. 

GAMZEE: THAT WHAT I NEED. 

GAMZEE: to figure on out. 

GAMZEE: SO CAN BE SOMEONE I AIN'T HATE, THAT CAN BE SOMEONE WHO KNOW MORE HOW TO BE OF ASSIST TO THOSE WHAT MATTER TO ME. 

GAMZEE: so can feel more like i is normal.

KANKRI: -He knows this, he understands it, and hell he even agrees with it. But it still does nothing to settle the swirl of horrible emotions inside of his chest and mind.- 

KANKRI: (I kn9w.) -He hisses out through gritted teeth and then wills himself to calm again, he said his piece, there is no more reason to continue to throw that anger when it will do nothing to solve the problem.- 

 KANKRI: I want y9u t9 get 6etter. And then perhaps when y9u are, tell me.

GAMZEE: =Watches him hiss, then looks away.= 

GAMZEE: STILL PLAN ON GIVING PESTERS. 

GAMZEE: tell on how i do, how you do, for ain't much crueler thing i can be think of than leave all in silence. 

GAMZEE: UNLESS SO HE WISH OF ME.

KANKRI: N9. I w9uldnt wish that 9f y9u. 

KANKRI: 6ut. I need time t9 reflect 9n this and 9ther things....

GAMZEE: so i realise. =Looks back to him, an extended pause before speaking.=

 GAMZEE: STILL. TIME DO REMAIN IN SPACE BETWEEN HERE AND NOT. 

GAMZEE: don't need be "see you later" just on yet, as i remain. 

GAMZEE: BUT IT IS FOR YOUR FEELS TO DECIDE ON. 

GAMZEE: whatever picked, clown do comply.

KANKRI: -He simply nods.- Right. 

KANKRI I'll 6e keeping y9u updated then. 

 KANKRI: -And with that he risks touching their shoulders together, leaning into him. Even if he is angry, and hurting and sad, Kankri wont let it ruin this one last moment where he can have that comfort.-

GAMZEE: =Again, the hope comes creeping, and he hopes that they will be able to have good... Or at least civil days, without bitterness and anger, until the day comes for his departure. A fake hollow sense of peace maybe, knowing that it's coming to an end, but better than the alternative he thinks. With Kankri leaning, he leans back, arm coming back around him carefully. Hand hovering above his shoulder, hesitating, before placing it on him.=