#PAMFOREVER

[wigwurq]

WIG REVIEW: PAM AND TOMMY

Ok so I just finished this whole series and I sort of feel like a bad feminist for watching it at all since Pamela Anderson did not cosign this. HOWEVER this show could not be more pro-Pam!! But what about the wigs? Let’s discuss on an episode by episode basis.

EPISODE 1

We begin with one of the worst people in the 90s or any other time: JAY LENO. Or I should say, some random actor playing Jay Leno. He asks Pam Anderson, played breathlessly by Lily James, how it feels to have a sex tape. Already I wanna vom. This is going to be a show.

The episode flashes back to the origin of said tape and the carpenter who stole it: SETH ROGAN. IN JORTS!! This show is so so very mid-90s. But Seth’s character, Rand, is firmly stuck in the 80s as shown by his very late 80s mullet. This wig ain’t bad! It avoids the issue with most bad guy wigs - the back taper - by being a total party in the back.

Enter party pooper: Tommy Lee. This show is very anti-Tommy and I love it for that! Tommy Lee very much sucks in life and on this show. As played by Winter Soldier Sebastian Stan, I have to say: he looks exactly like Tommy. This is NOT a wig - he underwent a dyejob and keratin treatment for this lewk - and the result is pretty perfect. Way to commit to hair for your craft!

We don’t get much of Pam in this episode but the few scenes she is in I have to say - this wig is pretty great!! Lily James underwent a pretty intense makeover to look like Pam and she honestly very looks like her! 

LOOK AT THIS WIG! The part, seams, texture, roots - everything is working here. It looks just as platinum bombshell as Pam did circa 1995. 

Most of this episode is devoted to Rand NOT being paid by Tommy Lee because, well, Tommy is an asshole??? Rand decides to get his back payments by stealing a super unguarded safe in Tommy and Pam’s garage, where Tommy, a professional drummer, plays drums. This was honestly the biggest question I had in this episode: WHY DOES TOMMY LEE PLAY DRUMS IN THE GARAGE LIKE A SUBURBAN TEENAGER? WOULDN’T HE HAVE HIS OWN HOME STUDIO??? Anyway, Rand hatches a plan that legit involves buying a fake fur rug from Pier 1 (PEAK 90s!) and using it to pretend to be a giant fluffy dog for the security guards. IT IS SO STUPID BUT STUPIDER STILL: IT WORKS!!!

Rand gets all the loot from the safe including, yes, the sex tape (which he was not banking on) as well as lots of guns (UGH) and money. The plot of this show is basically: don’t screw over a carpenter because he will enact revenge. AND DID WE LEARN NOTHING FROM OVERBOARD?!?! THIS IS THE SAME PLOT! 

EPISODE 2

Rand takes the tape to friend and porn impresario “Uncle Milty” as played by Nick Offerman IN THIS DAMN WIG. Yes, this is a complete mess but I suppose it is on brand for a mid-90s porn kingpin. I really appreciate the difference in texture from the greased back top to the frizzed out ends. 

Most of this episode centers on the further flashback origin story of Pam and Tommy’s romance which begins at an LA club. PAM’S 90s UPDO IS EVERYTHING! LOOK AT THESE BANGS!! Look at these tendrils! YES!

CAN I GO TO THE CLUB WITH 90s PAM ANDERSON?!?! This episode includes Pam’s posse of gal pals who are never explained or seen again in this series. Their identities will remain a mystery for the ages! Anyway, apparently Pam and Tommy met when Pam bought the whole club shots which included Tommy and he responded by walking up to her and LICKING HER FACE. TRUE LOVE!!!

He then basically stalks her to Mexico where he distracts her from her friends and career and this relationship is really starting out great.

This show never shies away from what an absolute dick Tommy is but will likely be remembered best for the scene in which HE ACTUALLY HAS A CONVERSATION WITH HIS OWN ANIMATRONIC DICK. Yes, you read that correctly. Apparently Tommy is ruled by his own penis (makes sense!) and it is telling him to avoid Pam but he isn’t listening. He wants Pam! Also this show is actually maybe bonkers. 

4 days after meeting, Pam and Tommy get married on a Mexican beach. Yes, this really happened! Yes, Tommy’s hair was actually much shorter in real life but Pam’s beached out blonde is every Baywatch reality. 

But on the plane back from Mexico, these two lovebirds realize that they actually barely know each other and might not be compatible. Pam doesn’t like horror movies like Tommy! OOPS! I love Pam’s undercover wig here. She’s hiding it but she still used her curing iron! 

EPISODE 3

MORE FLASHBACKS!! As Rand and Miltie try to find a way to sell this sex tape, we get some background on how Rand even had connections to the porn industry. Turns out his ex wife - as played by that bitch from OITNB - in the most shoutrageously frizzed out late 80s wigs ever - is a porn star and so was he? Kinda? Anyway, she has now left him for a woman and basically treats him like her super and his new mission is to find her a replacement part for her toilet.

It is whilst researching toilet parts that he discovers this new weird thing called THE INTERNET and a sex crime scheme is born! Of course, as with any startup, they’d need some cash on hand. Enter: Andrew FRIGGIN Dice Clay as some sort of mobster or whatever who will fully bankroll this mess and what could go wrong?

Meanwhile, Pam and Tommy are adjusting to married life and Pam is fighting for Baywatch monologues. There’s talking in Baywatch? Anyway, this updo is fighting to be a serious actor! The parting of the bangs is really everything. Also apparently Baywatch producers are scumbags! This show is fairly educational. 

EPISODE 4 

Welp here we are. Rand and Miltie actually did it - they figured out how to harness the internets to sell VHS copies of Pam and Tommy’s stolen sex tape. SEX CRIMES!!! It’s all very awful as is the fact that Pam discovers the existence of the tape on the Baywatch set whilst crew members casually view it. She brings it to Tommy who is living under the misbelief that Motley Crue is still a viable band. 

Pam is sick to her stomach, also because she is pregnant (mazel!) Having dealt with scumbags exploiting her for her entire life, this is nothing new but Tommy is just PISSED. Pam’s sad deflated wig really says it all. 

One of my favorite parts of this show is how little people knew how to use the internet in the mid 90s. Especially celebrities! Pam and Tommy go undercover to find their sextape online at the....the public library! WILD! You know that they had to use Pam’s library card - there is no way in hell Tommy Lee has a library card. ANYWAY, Pam’s under hoodie wig is still amazing.

Tommy of course DOES NOT GET IT as in all things and quickly forms a list of people who might have been mad at him enough to steal and broadcast a sex tape and it basically includes ALL OF HOLLYWOOD. I have to hand it to Pam’s wig for staying calm under the pressure of it all and managing very good updos! 

However, the pressure finally gets too much and ends in a miscarriage which is apparently true but the timeline was rearranged. It’s all heartbreaking. I love that they show a deglammed Pam for this - and her disheveled hair works on its own sad level. Of course, the paparazzi still harass them at the worst possible time and Pam loses it with the help of THE CLUB (the 90s anti-car theft device!) on a pap’s windshield and I SUPPORT YOU, PAM!

EPISODE 5

It’s hard to know exactly how true any of this is or what facts have been enhanced but I firmly believe that Pamela Anderson meditates as much as this show would have us believe. Girlfriend has a lot going on! Namaste away!

I am in love with Pam’s lady publicist, Gail,  who has the unfortunate duty of dealing with all this sex tape nonsense when she just signed on to promote Pam’s new movie, Barb Wire. Gail is way better at the internet than Pam or Tommy and shows Pam the full extent of internet searches for the sex tape. Pam and her glorious updo are horrified.

Even more horrifying? Penthouse publisher Bob Guccione somehow gets ahold of the tape. HE IS PLAYED BY REX MANNING HISSELF, MAXWELL CAUFIELD!! THIS IS PEAK MID90S! SAY NO MORE, MON AMOUR! This wig is sleazeball perfection! I don’t know who this lady is supposed to be but I want her dress! 

Bob wants to publish stills from the sex tape in Penthouse (rival of Playboy where Pam has modeled many times). Tommy immediately lawyers up about it and all the men in the room say THEY MUST SUE! Pam (correctly!) says that if they do, it will only draw more attention to the tape. Everyone ignores Pam and sues.

And the tape gets so much attention that Jay Leno starts mentioning it in his monologue. THE VERY WORST TIMELINE. However, Pam’s beach waves have never looked better! 

EPISODE 6

THIS EPISODE. UGH. The Penthouse lawsuit results in a deposition JUST for Pam which is perhaps the most awful slut-shaming episode of an TV show I’ve ever seen. SCUMBAGS ALL AROUND! However, Pam’s professional updo with CRISS CROSS PART is everything.

We get a flashback to the late 80s where apparently Pam was discovered via a Canadian sports jumbotron?! I have to say that the late 80s wigs (OITNB chick included) are not as fabulous as the mid-90s ones and this dude wig is probably the worst of the series. Also Pam definitely had a type: JERKS!

I think the main issue with these late 80s is the large gap between the bangs and the hair flip - this is DEP gone bad! However, this episode does portray Playboy as a very respectful place to work (!) you can even bring your mom to the Playboy mansion!! However, back at Pam’s deposition, I have never felt so very nauseated for anyone. JUSTICE FOR PAM. Also of course Penthouse won. UGH. 

EPISODE 7

It’s time for Pam’s big movie, BARB WIRE, to come out! I have never seen this movie and did not realize Pam played a character named Barb. BARB Wire. Wow. Anyway, I’m pretty sure Pam’s hair has never looked this full and fabulous in real life but given how awful the last episode was - good for her! 

Meanwhile, everything is VERY BAD FOR RAND. As in Miltie has absconded with all their money to Amsterdam, Andrew Dice Clay is now making Rand repay their debt with his own violent debt enforcement, and a bunch of randos are trying to sell bootleg sextapes outside Tower Records. Rand’s solution is to bring his higher quality VHS tapes to try to sell inside and it does not go well. It goes even worse when he tells his ex about the tape and compares it to porn and she delivers the point of this whole show: Porn is consensual. This sex tape was stolen and is a sex crime against Pam and Tommy. Rand doesn’t get it. MEN!

Jay Leno doesn’t get it either, obviously. We come back full circle to the most awful and awkward interview in the world, where Jay tries to lightheartedly ask Pam about the tape and she gives him a dose of sad reality. These wigs are all fabulous but let us all remember: JAY LENO IS THE ABSOLUTE WORST.

Well no: actually Tommy Lee is the worst. Always. It’s Pam’s big Barb Wire premiere and she is heaven in pleather while Tommy is a walking punchline as always. THIS OUTFIT. It is sort of sweet that he is so supportive of Pam’s acting career but it is absolutely heartbreaking when Pam sees that she, in fact, is the punchline. 

EPISODE 8

Oh Pammy! We made it to the last episode! Pam’s acting career is a trainwreck due to the sextape and Barb Wire being a bomb. APPARENTLY SHE AUDITIONED FOR BOTH LA CONFIDENTIAL AND AUSTIN POWERS?! And although she is finally pregnant (MAZEL!) her attitude is as defeated as her hair. I do love that they show Pam’s un hot curled hair when she is feeling down. UGH PAM.

Also down? MOTLEY CRUE! Still attempting to be a viable band, they make an appearance at Tower Records and I have to say - compared to Sebastian Stan’s real hair, these wigs are pretty lousy. However, it is these bandmembers who explain to Tommy that this sextape actually had no negative effect on him at all - it just showed the world what they always thought of him: he’s a dick with a big dick. 

A lifeline is delivered to Pam and Tommy via an internet porn king played by that kid from White Lotus who offers to buy the rights to the tape from them and shut down all bootlegs of it; thus putting an end to this sex crime nightmare. Pam and her sensible updo just want to sign and end this thing. Tommy of course is against it because his main enemy is: rational thought. The couple runs away from the paps to....Las Vegas?! Where Tommy abandons his very pregnant wife to....go to the hotel bar and brag about his big dick. THIS ASSHOLE. 

In the end, the reunite and sign over the tape rights. Rand sells the master beta to the White Lotus kid and gives it to the OITNB chick and also never faces any criminal charges for any of this. Pam has a water birth and becomes a mom! And gets her Tommy tattoo replaced with a Mommy one. The show ends with an epilogue explaining how the couple broke up: with Pam having to call the cops on Tommy’s physically abusive ass. WHAT AN ASS. #TEAMPAMFOREVER. The tone of this show was really all over the place but I will say that it rightly showed who the real victims and villains were in all this. And: the wigs were pretty good. 

VERDICT: WURQS

[geldhoch2]

Tweeted

Was soll man sagen, wahrscheinlich waren Pamela und David doch ihr Geld wert :-) #pamforever #jugendträume #80er #90er #fun #knightrider https://t.co/dOWkowheKi

— Geld ² Aktien & ETF (@geldhoch2) May 29, 2017