#Or I'm just autistic and traumatized and hate conflict

[heartclawz]

I hate Twitter like

Ok this may be niche but whatever I don't. like the people on there? Like while I do have an insane following that I'm proud of, everyone on there is so negative. You can't scroll for two minutes without seeing a "I hate [whatever] just because I can" .... like good for you? Why are you telling me this I don't care . I get it's a public site but . ugh. I don't like negativity at all, it makes me sick

[runby2]

autism is not only a disorder but i think it's what made jester comedy universally enjoyed? i was severely neglected as a child - and yes that's sad but please lock in bc even tho it was traumatizing, because now as a full adult looking back, i was probably the most absurd little freak in the world to the rednecks in the RED state I reside in.

imagine the most thin little 18 year old autistic, brown, trans presenting gay lad with fluffy brown hair and an oversized hoodie being told "today in history class we get to watch the state colors live.", not looking effected, but the democrats and republicans in the class are tense. meanwhile this little 5'0 tall gangly brown boy is doodling phone guy x purple guy yaoi in a notebook bc it hasn't clicked that politics are important in terms of his whole life yet. he's unknowingly surrounded by kids who have bullied him for years and he just didn't notice. he's listening to angel of darkness nightcore SPARTA remix in his headphones.

the teacher awkwardly looks at him and says "the red appears to be winning."

there's silence.

the little brown boy then looks excited and says and i quote "oh awesome! the red team is winning! i hope everyone who supports red gets to have a party later." it's clear he doesn't know what it means if red wins. he's only heard about football teams.

the room is silent. no one can comprehend if the boy is being sarcastic. the boy looks so genuinely whimsical.

like i can't make this shit up that little brown boy was ME and i was still only paying attention to five nights at freddy's lore on matpat's channel at age 18 because i had no connection to reality - while also being too autistic to realize 5 dudes in that class would hate crime me if they saw me alone in an alleyway. but now i was excitedly making eye contact with them and asking them to have a fun time at their fucking republican after parties. i even patted one of them on the back. i've never seen so many white country high schoolers look conflicted and distraught in their life. because the whole republican democrat debate RELIES on that tension and i fucking shattered it with my one track thoughts of "if i'm giving compliments to everyone it's like they are getting a llama on deviantart "

[bitch-spectrum]

PART 2/3

Part 1 ,, Part 3

Ed

Personality Headcanons: He hates tobacco. He hates it when people smoke around him. He's the kind of guy to put out your cigarette for you and you look up at him, thinking you're gonna fight some punk but quickly change your mind. His dad used to make him cut and light his cigars and he hated doing it so much he swore he'd never smoke. The hole that he sleeps in is deliberately cut, sanded, and reboarded. He nests in there. Probably Autistic and doesn't speak much around strangers. Will gladly infodump to his friends. He's in his mid-late 30s ~35-38. In addition to being part of TF4 he also works part time as a steam locomotive driver. After being tied to the train tracks, he kind of got curious about it. He can play an instrument, I'm just not sure which one. Probably a fiddle idk. Physical Headcanons: The tooth sticking out is a broken tusk. he desperately wants to grow facial hair, has tried, and cannot. He's very jealous of people who do have facial hair. ~6'05" Gender: Cis male Pronouns: He/Him Orientation: Straight He's a hardcore ally and loves going to pride events to support his friends. He thinks they're a lot of fun. Post Game: His life carried on fairly regularly afterwards, like Ace. I personally feel like he had more of a connection with Clover than the others though so, he was a little more impacted by their death. Sometimes he'll sit into the early morning with Starlo at the Saloon. Opinions: I'm bias. I heart large men so, points. I would have also liked to have seen more of him. One thing though is that on appearance alone I could so clearly hear his voice when he spoke. His design carries. 3.5/5.

Flowey

Personality Headcanons: Flowey is my favorite character in the Undertale franchise so I'm going to TRY to keep this short. As it stands, he's currently stuck at the maturity level he died at, so around 11-13. Since he doesn't have a physical body (other than a flower) he doesn't really age. I don't think he's a lost cause or even completely irredeemable. He's a terrified, traumatized, kid who's own parents don't recognize him anymore. He's had to try to navigate the world in a body that isn't his, completely alone. Sometimes when he goes through episodes he lies close to the ground to bite his petals and rip them off hoping that somehow it'll make room for his horns to grow back. He both despises his family for splitting up and ignoring him but wants nothing more than to be a family again. He has really conflicting feelings on a lot of things. I feel like if he went through extensive therapy his maturity would probably eventually catch up to what would be his chronological age if he wasn't a flower. He's touch starved but hates being touched. Probably has one or multiple personality disorders. Physical Headcanons: We get a side profile of his nose in his boss fight in neutral. I think that's a genetic trait from Asgore. Has freckles. Not much to headcanon since he's a Flower until the true ending of the OG UT when he ascends. Gender: He stopped giving fucks a long time ago. Pronouns: He/They (DESPISES being called an it) Orientation: Aroace. He's not necessarily repulsed but if asked if he has a crush on anyone he'd say "I'd rather watch someone be crushed to death than think ever think about dating." Post Game: N/A Opinions: I'm a die hard Flowey Apologist. He's such a deep, complex, and tragic character. I love him. I want to hug him. In this specific game too, wow, I love Flowey lore. Love Flowey angst. 5/5.

Martlet Personality Headcanons: Probably AuDHD. Definitely has racing thoughts / scatterbrain. Her first job was babysitting when she was a teen. She only barely got into The Royal Guard because they were desperate after losing a lot of good members in the war. She eventually proved herself to be a good member. Probably in her early 20s so ~21-23. Physical Headcanons: She's pretty buffed because of her job. ~5'10". I don't have too many. Gender: Trans Woman Pronouns: She/They Orientation: Multisexual of some sort with a preference for women. Also ambiamorous. Post Game: She quit her job at The Royal Guard, unable to really take the burden of having to kill a human child for the king. Chujin's words haunt her, what he said about her not being cut out for it. Instead she got a job as a classroom assistant. She bounces around the limited schooling system the underground has. So often times she gets a good reputation with the kids and will get to watch them grow up. Sometimes her job makes her think about how she could have done her best to hide Clover and watch them grow up too. She's a very emotional person by nature so, she would probably take the longest to really have it be in the past for her. But, she got right to *appearing* like she was moving on. By day it was like nothing had happened at all, she puts on a smile for the kids she helps out with, plays games with them. She's good at seeming okay but just shatters every night for a long time. Eventually (RAREPAIR), spending so much time with Dalv became beneficial for the both of them and they helped pull each other out of the rut. Opinions: I wish she had more screen time because she seems like a character the creators cared a lot about. She's very OC shaped and that's a good thing. I love when I can see the care that goes into a character. 4/5.

[acti-veg]

um, hi!

I've been looking into veganism since I was... 10? younger?

and I just wanna talk about my experiences you don't need to add and advice or anything. it's just my experiences, and it's annoying and I don't want to be so ashamed for feeling normal emotions you know?

TW animal abuse, animal death, and other animal cruelty's! I was on the internet in the late 2000s! it was not a nice time to be a child!

okay, since I was little i've seen very very graphic animal death. (which is one of the main reasons I want to be vegan.)

because theres only just so much a small little kid can take of seeing bloodied and gored pets and fish and farm animals before it starts to seep into your nightmares yk!

when I was little. like really little, (to the I was 10-12) I had some BIG food restrictions due to being really really allergic to eggs and dairy and other stuff. but eggs and dairy were big ones, so I've been eating vegan food and also meat all my life which is weird to say the least.

so anyway, I was first introduced to veganism when I was young, but I didn't know the core values of it until MUCH later when I was older.

my first introduction to the ethics side of veganism was peta (I hate peta, I think we all hate them. I can't excuse their fear campaign against autism being autistic myself.)

and through them I learned the horrors of the meat, dairy, egg, leather, fur, and fishing industry.

and I've hated eating meat ever since, and wanted to stop all the suffering and be vegan. but my parents are really against veganism and it SUCKS! :(

but I've always wanted to be vegan for the fish, and the sea creatures which everyone kinda always forgets about. because when I was little I had a fish tank, and the thought of eating fish made me wanna vomit! because it was so morally wrong to 7yr old me.

so, I tried my best. I didn't eat fish for so long and I tried not to eat red meat or anything but when it's either meat or starve and your like 5-8 you take what you can get.

but over the years I lost my way mainly due to life problems, being emotionally and verbally abused since I was tiny, other traumatic event's I don't wanna delve into! !!!

I am not one person in my head. which sucks because they don't think eating meat is bad or unethical, while I'm just having the worst time of my life. to be fair we didn't all know the other existed and we thought we were going CRAZY like it was not a good mental health year for 2019/2021 but now we are talking more and we are not fighting as bad and we are making plans to accommodate all of our conflicting interests at times!

so, how do you live as vegan as possible or live as ethical to animals as possible while the rest of the people in your head struggle to do so due to health reasons and just because they don't hate meat?

because man I tell you! it's NOT fun! but I get by, even though I may be a hypocrite to a lot of vegans. I can't change my head mates minds on this stuff, but at least we have agreed to let me make my own vegan meals in the future and we have a strained agreement to let me have 3 vegan meals a week. which I want it to be more but when your thrown scraps you take it yk?

so, I try my best to educate people on abusive business practices and animal care. and I share as much stuff as I can, but I still feel so awful because I can't be vegan YET hopefully idk.

but I will get there! and when I do I will be so happy.

that's all really, sorry if it's been really topic to topic and hard to follow it's just my writing style.

-your friendly catgirl alter who desperately wants to be vegan

ily!

I can’t speak on your specific mental health issues or anything since I know so little about this, all I can really advise is the same thing I tell anyone whose circumstances mean that they’re not always in control of their own decisions.

When a decision is in your control, you should be choosing the vegan option, whether it’s food, clothes, cosmetics or entertainment. If there are circumstance where you generally have no choice, then you can’t really do anything about that. You can only be held responsible for choices that you freely chose, under your own compulsion.

Seek out the support you need in the meantime if you haven’t already, but while you work on these issues you can only do your best, and you really shouldn’t beat yourself up about that, since doing so will be counterproductive. Focus on your mental health and use the fact that you’re looking forward to eating completely plant-based in future as inspiration for your mental health journey. Best of luck to you anon!

[ina-nis]

I don't really know how to talk about this without sounding insensitive but I think it would be great for me to get this off my chest anyway. I'm trying to organize my thoughts the best I can... Those are conflicting needs and I'm in no place to attack or judge, considering we're all in the same boat.

The spaces and communities I usually gravitate around are full of mentally ill and neurodivergent people, obviously, as I am one myself.

I have a personality disorder (and C-PTSD, and few other things, but these 2 are probably the core of my "personality" and interconnectedness) and I'm not autistic or ADHDer.

Many autistic and allistic people alike, assume I'm on the spectrum because of my behaviours - I do act very autistic for someone who isn't. The things I have issues the most, though, don't look typically autistic, such as how much in tune I am with my emotions and myself, how it troubles me to feel so much and some times feeling nothing either, and, the main one, the fact that I have no trouble reading people, body language and just social cues in general. I like routine, I prefer to avoid eye contact, I usually don't speak much... those are all from AvPD and CPTSD, not ASD.

The thing that really solidified the fact that I'm allistic is that I don't really feel that relatedness to autistic people in regards to interpersonal relationships - I feel like we stand in complete opposites actually! - So, a good example: growing frustration over my emotional needs not being met. I have autistic friends and these friendships are, you guessed, superficial because I noticed they tend to prioritize interests and other things over relationships (I can relate to that very much), because the way they relate and connect to other people is different.

It's a similar issue with ADHD, they usually don't have friendship degradation, they deal with forgetfulness and an overall difficulty in maintaining relationships - remember a lot of my issues with doing things one-sidedly? Feeling like I'm carrying connections on my back all on my own? Suffering because I miss them but wonder if they miss me? Also the unpredictability and changing interests and things too fast for me to keep up.

Of course, the same could be said about myself. I don't really need to list all the "bad" and "unpleasant" things about being an avoidant or someone traumatized, because it is already all over this blog, and you can find it elsewhere, too.

In short, I definitely don't fit in neurotypical spaces and amidst neurotypical people; and I also feel out of place in neurodivergent spaces, for different reasons. Perhaps they all have to do - in a way or another - with being around other people who also have difficulties in establishing and maintaining relationships.

In connections and relationships with other neurodivergent people, I always felt like the reciprocity was missing and didn't really matter how much I tried to be understanding and accommodating: my emotional needs remained unmet. There was never really a compromise to be reached because that would mean them becoming someone they are not - I would hate for someone to try to change me to fit in their life, why would I do that to others?

"Just get your emotional needs met elsewhere!"

The thing is that for me to do that I'd need a close relationship with someone I trust. None of my many friends and peers are going to do that, and it's not because I didn't try to deepen these relationships...

Another thing is that, because of CPTSD, I do not do well with temporary or conditional things so... having my emotional needs met for some time and then needing to build it up again with someone else or somewhere else is just too painful - so much that, again, I'll take the pain of loneliness over finding relief and then losing it.

And having my emotional needs met half-way just serves to grow resentment.

If this was something I could do on my own, I would not be wasting so much time and energy going over these things so much... If hobbies and distractions could make me emotionally fulfilled, I wouldn't be feeling so lonely either.

[shsl-leader]

think i actually hate posts that are like "[trait that you picked up from masking] is what makes allistics worse at communicating than us, and we can all understand each other perfectly. autism is a superpower/we're the normal ones"

dude it is so hard to communicate with people that have a new set of social norms to learn. i do not get along with all autistic people actually. some of them really irk me. conflicting needs.

and if you suggest that autism is "the normal one"/is a superpower i'm going to hit you with a hammer (exaggeration). some of us don't actually like our negative symptoms and they impact our functioning. hitting my head and being emotionally neglected because nobody can figure out how to parent me isn't fun. being singled out because youre a "problem" or "lazy" and "aren't trying" on things you can't understand with hours of studying that everyone else seems to just get and/or being denied proper resources because youre "too smart to need that" ISN'T FUN.

i really fucking hate increased pain sensitivity and self harming and meltdowns actually. also the argument that "meltdowns happen to non-autistic people too and theyre exactly the same!" makes me want to go feral. "meltdowns arent real" says low support needs person who has never been traumatized by a meltdown, more at 5.

anyways i just hate it when people spout repackaged "autism is a superpower" shit. sometimes i don't like this actually and it leaves a deep hole in my heart and thats okay. let me grieve a normal life.

[toontowncreepypasta]

I'm sorry. I'm a Kate hater fully. I know im biased, i grew up with a similar relationship to kate and miles, but it does definetly go past that. Specifically with Kates writing. I'd be more willing to give her the benefit of doubt if the writers didn't make the horrible choices they did. You're telling me that Kates not only a teacher but a well liked one, but she never once encountered an autistic or traumatized child? She never had any experience with child psychology despite being a teacher? She's never dealt with a difficult child in class? A special ed child? You're telling me she instantly assumed Miles was at fault for beating up another kid and never thought "this kid is really weird and off putting and scrawny, and would most likely get bullied in some way"?

Beyond that, the narrative puts this heavy focus on Kates experience growing up abandoned and neglected. She clearly has her own grief and issues becauss of it and never stops once to think about how thatd affect Miles or sympathize with him? Never is it considered that the kids are weird BECAUSE of what they experienced, ESPECIALLY Miles.

And the problem with how shes written is that her reactions for the most part are extremely unjustified. Miles didn't come onto her enough, there were not enough scenes with Miles acting in a grey enough area for her to feel justified. They deleted the SINGULAR scene that I think would justify that (Miles being found w the dead animal) and i feel like it ruins that angle entirely. So youre just seeing these wildly inappropriate reactions to just. Awkward and weird behavior. I'm convinced that head slam mirror sequence was thrown in to attempt to justify her panic more.

Just the writing entirely is the problem, not even Kate HERSELF. Like the whole scene with her on the phone the whole "I wonder if I'm doing it" moment where she's confused why the kids hate her and are so weird when she's caused every conflict. Which would be fun to watch if that was the point, if Kate was meant to be an unreliable narrator. But the movie is shot to try to confuse us, disorient us, much like how the turn of the screw is written. But it doesnt work as well in a movie, especially one that toned down Miles behavior entirely.