#Open PhD Positions in Germany

[transgenderer]

in a somewhat...precarious, stressful situation with my advisor because like. so the reason i TOLD him i wanted to leave is because of the like academic environment where there are like no other phd students here who share my research interests and care about math. cuz theres like maybe 5 students total here who care about math. so. odds. and that is true. but the OTHER reason i want to leave is that there's no one here whose research im interested in, including my advisor. and if i dont get in anywhere else, im PROBABLY going to masters out. but i wanted to leave open the option of staying here. however i have this other research project collaboration long distance (hopefully a paper soon!!) that actually holds my interest (unfortunately, not with ppl who have a faculty position, so cant jump ship to them), and so ive been spending all my research time on it instead. and also my advisor STILL hasnt finished reading my VERY SHORT paper. cmon man. but yeah he keeps giving me advice and hassling me to do things that make sense from the false perspective ive given him. i should PROBABLY just tell him that i want to change topic when moving locations. but then he'll be like "thats a really bad idea, youre already so far in this topic" and then the only explanation i can give is "this topic bores me". so. bad. also, we were planning for my quals to be this winter. but they were going to basically be a formality, because he thinks im ready for research. except now hes saying he thinks it would be worthwhile to have this one guy at a nearby school on my thesis board or whatever it's called, and he thinks that guy would want me to know a lot more in the field. and like. it just doesnt really make sense for me to dedicate that much time and effort to quals for a thesis im not gonna write.

uuuugh theres gotta be a path here.... i made some really poor choices and it seems like the best case scenario is going to be burning at least a year of phd progress, if not like...3 years (because i wouldnt be starting somewhere else until the fall semester next year...). which is really bad. but also, idk. germany was really cool. so. 6 months of good at least, out of so far 2 years of massive fuckup

[in--other--words]

Top 5* inspiring language learning Youtube channels

*in my opinion, obviously... if anyone has any other recs I would love to hear them!!

Robin MacPherson - really passionate, positive, has learned many languages to a high level, but is also very open and honest about forgetting and getting out of practice with them. I have also adopted a lot of the methods he talks about for overcoming the intermediate plateau.

2. Luca Lampariello - maybe the most impressive in terms of number of foreign languages and levels in these languages. Has been around on Youtube for over 10 years so his channel is a really great resource on tonnes of different language learning topics.

3. Zoe.languages - repping a bunch of Middle Eastern languages while doing a PhD in sociology across France and Germany. If you ever need some inspiration about how to fit language learning into a busy schedule, Zoe's channel is the place to find it!

4. Xiaoma NYC - Xiaoma has dabbled in a bunch of different languages but has a native-like level in Mandarin. He makes these clickbaity videos where he speaks "perfectly" to native speakers in NYC, but his videos have inspired me to get out of my comfort zone and be less afraid to speak early.

5. Matt vs Japan - Matt has near-native level Japanese, and what I think is inspiring about him is his shear dedication to learning Japanese to this level. Unfortunately he is no longer active on Youtube but his channel is still a useful resource for learning a language via immersion.

[huynhtrinhhurtsoul]

C++ Developer (Remote)

C++ Developer - Remote, Germany

Location: Remote, Germany

Salary Expectation: USD 8,000 - USD 11,600

Experience: 8+ years

Requirements:

1. A degree in Computer Science, Mathematics, Engineering, or a related field.

2. Experience: 8+ years of proven experience in C++ software development, no need for latest standards C++17

3. Technical Skills:

- Proficiency in C++ programming.

- Familiarity with algorithms and data structures.

- Understanding of software design and architecture principles.

4. Strong analytical and problem-solving skills.

5. Excellent verbal and written communication skills in English.

6. Ability to work effectively in a collaborative team environment.

7. Willingness to learn new technologies and adapt to changing requirements.

Preferred skills and experiences

- PhD in Physics (For candidates in Germany), Bachelor's degree and up in Computer Science, Math and Physics (For candidates from Eastern Europe), Bachelor's degree and up in Computer Science (For candidates from the UK)

Apply here.

Note:

- This role will work remotely through EoR or B2B/freelance contract

- Remote position is open exclusively to candidates residing and working within the time zones of UTC-1 to UTC+4

- Ideal education background: PhD in Physics (For candidates in Germany), Bachelor's degree and up in Computer Science, Math and Physics (For candidates from Eastern Europe), Bachelor's degree and up in Computer Science (For candidates from the UK)

- Either English or German fluency is welcome

[jobrxiv]

2 x PhD / Doctoral position in Biomedical Data Sciences & Bioinformatics University of Konstanz Come and join our Lab: https://www.biologie.uni-konstanz.de/gruber/ ! We have 2 open #phd positions in #bioinformatics and #biomedical #datascience! See the full job description on jobRxiv: https://jobrxiv.org/job/university-of-konstanz-27779-2-x-phd-doctoral-position-in-biomedical-data-sciences-bioinformatics/?feed_id=82687 #bioinformatics #biomedicine #data_analyses #data_science #systems_biology #ScienceJobs #hiring #research

[evoldir]

Fwd: Postdoc: StanfordU.AntAdaptation

Begin forwarded message: > From: evoldir@evol.biology.mcmaster.ca > Subject: Postdoc: StanfordU.AntAdaptation > Date: 9 September 2024 at 05:28:10 BST > To: rdmpage@gmail.com > > > > > POSTDOCTORAL POSITION > Stanford University, Department of Biology > > We are excited to announce an opening for a postdoctoral researcher > position to work on a newly NSF-funded project, a collaboration between > Deborah Gordon (Stanford) and Florian Menzel (University of Mainz, > Germany) on variation among harvester ant colonies in the waterproofing > capacity of their cuticular hydrocarbons (CHCs), and how the CHCs are > related to the collective regulation of foraging behavior to manage the > risk of water loss. > > The position will be based in Deborah Gordon's lab in the Department of > Biology, Stanford University (https://ift.tt/rwyqSJz). > > Qualifications: The position requires a motivated and self-directed > scientist who is independent, conscientious, with a strong background in > reproducible research including statistical analysis, and has excellent > written and oral communication skills. Applicants should have research > experience in chemical ecology, preferably in CHCs,involving both field > and laboratory work on insect behavior, and a strong publication record > in peer-reviewed journals. > > Application Instructions:Candidates are required to hold a PhD > before their start date. The start date is flexible.Review of > applications will begin immediately and the position will remain > open until filled. Applicants should submit their CV, statement of > research interests, and the names and contact information of three > references. Inquiries about the position should be sent to Deborah Gordon > (dmgordon@stanford.edu). > > Deborah M. Gordon > Professor, Department of Biology > Stanford University > https://ift.tt/rwyqSJz > > New book: > https://ift.tt/JOtqgaI > > > > Deborah M Gordon

[doorsblacksea]

Launch of Deep Sea Observatory provides new collaboration with ESRE placement.

The latest DOORS cruise has seen us launch a Deep Sea Observatory alongside the EMSO EUXINUS station (EuxRoOB3) in the Black Sea, while also providing an exciting research placement opportunity for student, Olga Schmitz through our Early-Stage Researcher Exchange (ESRE).

The Deep Sea Observatory is fitted with newly developed oceanographic sensors from the National Oceanography Centre (NOC), that will continuously measure physical and chemical parameters of the sea water, helping us to understand temporal variation as we test these sensors in the open sea environment. The Observatory will remain in position until spring 2025.

This work also provided a collaborative placement opportunity for Olga Schmitz, PhD Candidate from the Institute of Geosciences of Friedrich-Schiller University and Department of Archeology of the Max Planck Institute of Geoanthropology. She was offered the opportunity to go onboard the RV Mare Nigrum to spend 9 days at sea, led by biological group from GeoEcoMar (GEM), National Oceanography Centre (NOC) and National Institute of Geophysics and Volcanology (INGV). And together with Prof. Peter Frenzel and Diego Volosky from the Institute of Geosciences of Friedrich-Schiller University in Jena and Dr. Andrei Briceag from GeoEcoMar in Bucharest they launched a pilot project on a ��Collaborative Initiative for Enhanced Water Quality Monitoring in the Black Sea Region with a use of Ostracoda and Foraminifera”.

Foraminifera are single cell organisms and are an important part of the marine food chain. They are wide-spread in marine and outer estuarine settings, are sensitive to environmental changes, and their assemblage composition and diversity can reveal information about water quality and pollution levels. Ostracoda, a group of minute Crustacea with a double valved calcified carapace, are important index fossils and proxies in geosciences, but rarely used for water quality assessment so far. They inhabit all water conditions and complement Foraminifera and diatoms as bioindicators in estuarine systems with variable salinity. And so, this research aims to correlate fauna with heavy metals and microplastics data, for example, to evaluate the current environmental situation and impacts from human activity.

This is just one example where we have matched early stage research interests with the scientific work ongoing in the project. This summer we have funded and supported 5 other placements through the DOORS Early-Stage Researcher Exchange (ESRE). This is an international programme of collaborative research mobility activities, to foster and deepen connections within and between Black Sea countries, and international partners across Europe.

Video: The above video shows sediment from a core, taken with a multi corer. The team subsamples, stains and then with a sieve they wash and dry the samples while on the ship. The idea is to investigate the samples for water quality with microfossils to look into microplastics and heavy metals.

The placements have covered a range of topics supporting students from universities all over Europe:

Olga Schmitz (Germany)- Collaborative Initiative for Enhanced Water Quality Monitoring in the Black Sea Region.

Leidy Maricela Castro Rosero (Spain) -  Analysis of spatial distribution of marine litter pollution in the western Black Sea through numerical model integration and in situ measurements.

Tatiana Sitchinava (Georgia) - Towards Sustainable Coastal Communities: Understanding and Mitigating Marine Litter in Romania's Black Sea Beaches.

Alessandro Galdelli (Italy) - Advancing Marine Research through Strategic Collaboration: Integrating Cutting-edge Algorithm for Enhanced Fishing Effort Estimation in the Black Sea,

Florin Miron (Romania) - Analysing Coastal Hydrodynamics and Discharge at River Mouths: The Impact of Winds and Waves on Hydrological Processes Using SWOT Satellite Data,

Sofia Sadogurska (Ukraine) -  Taxonomic studies of the Black Sea brown algae (Phaeophyceae, Heterokontophyta).

“This has been a fascinating opportunity for me, as I never worked on such a big ship before. I am very thankful to DOORS for this chance and looking forward to future collaborations, publications and sampling campaigns with Dr. Briceag and GeoEcoMar. It is the beginning of a long partnership between our research groups.” said Olga.

You can follow Olga's journey on Instagram , Facebook, LinkedIn and X, and learn more about her research.

[pagebypagereviews]

# 25 Unforgettable Books that Will Change Your Perspective Books have the profound ability to transport us to different worlds, introduce us to new ideas, and challenge our perceptions. Among the millions of books available, some stand out for their unique perspectives, thought-provoking content, and the lasting impact they have on readers. Here, we explore 25 unforgettable books that promise to change your perspective on life, society, and yourself. ## Fiction That Opens New Worlds ### 1. "To Kill a Mockingbird" by Harper Lee This classic novel explores themes of racial injustice and moral growth through the eyes of a young girl in the Deep South of the 1930s. Its timeless message about empathy and compassion continues to resonate with readers worldwide. ### 2. "1984" by George Orwell Orwell's dystopian masterpiece offers a chilling exploration of totalitarianism, surveillance, and individual freedom. It serves as a powerful warning of the dangers of unchecked government power and the erosion of personal liberties. ### 3. "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho A tale of self-discovery and pursuing one's dreams, "The Alchemist" follows a young shepherd on his journey to find a hidden treasure. Along the way, he learns about the importance of listening to his heart and understanding the signs of life. ### 4. "Life of Pi" by Yann Martel This novel's rich narrative explores themes of faith, survival, and the power of storytelling. Stranded in the Pacific Ocean with a Bengal tiger, the protagonist's adventure is a testament to the resilience of the human spirit. ### 5. "The Book Thief" by Markus Zusak Set in Nazi Germany, this novel tells the story of a young girl who finds solace in stealing books and sharing them with others. Through the eyes of Death, it offers a unique perspective on the human capacity for kindness in the face of brutality. ## Non-Fiction That Inspires and Educates ### 6. "Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind" by Yuval Noah Harari Harari's sweeping narrative of human history examines how Homo sapiens came to dominate the world. It challenges readers to reconsider everything from the development of societies to our impact on the environment. ### 7. "Educated" by Tara Westover This memoir recounts Westover's journey from growing up in a strict, survivalist family in Idaho to earning a PhD from Cambridge University. It's a compelling testament to the power of education and the quest for self-invention. ### 8. "The Power of Habit" by Charles Duhigg Duhigg explores the science behind why habits exist and how they can be changed. Through engaging case studies, he shows how understanding the patterns that shape our lives can lead to transformative change. ### 9. "Becoming" by Michelle Obama In her memoir, the former First Lady shares the experiences that have shaped her—from her childhood in Chicago to her years in the White House. It's an intimate, inspiring look at the power of resilience and hope. ### 10. "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor E. Frankl Frankl's memoir of his time in Nazi concentration camps discusses his theory of logotherapy, which posits that the search for meaning is the primary motivational force in humans. It's a profound exploration of suffering, survival, and finding purpose. ## Books That Challenge Societal Norms ### 11. "The Handmaid's Tale" by Margaret Atwood Atwood's dystopian novel imagines a future America where women are subjugated and stripped of their rights. It's a powerful commentary on feminism, autonomy, and resistance. ### 12. "Brave New World" by Aldous Huxley Huxley's vision of a future society obsessed with technology, comfort, and conformity raises important questions about freedom, happiness, and the cost of progress. ### 13. "Invisible Man" by Ralph Ellison This seminal work explores the African American experience and the societal invisibility of black people in early 20th-century America. It's a profound examination of identity, race, and the search for self.

### 14. "Beloved" by Toni Morrison Morrison's haunting novel about a former slave haunted by her past challenges readers to confront the brutal realities of slavery and its lasting impacts. It's a powerful story of memory, trauma, and redemption. ### 15. "The Second Sex" by Simone de Beauvoir De Beauvoir's groundbreaking work on women's oppression and liberation is a foundational text of feminist philosophy. It examines the construction of gender roles and advocates for women's autonomy and freedom. ## Books That Explore Human Emotion and Relationships ### 16. "A Man Called Ove" by Fredrik Backman This heartwarming tale of a curmudgeonly old man who finds his solitary world turned on its head when a boisterous family moves in next door is a touching exploration of love, loss, and the unexpected friendships that change us. ### 17. "The Road" by Cormac McCarthy In this post-apocalyptic novel, a father and his son journey through a burned America, exploring themes of survival, the bond between parent and child, and what it means to be human in the face of desolation. ### 18. "Norwegian Wood" by Haruki Murakami Murakami's melancholic novel captures the essence of youth, love, and loss. Set in 1960s Tokyo, it follows a young man's complex relationships and his journey toward emotional healing. ### 19. "The Five People You Meet in Heaven" by Mitch Albom This novel tells the story of Eddie, an amusement park maintenance man who dies and encounters five individuals in heaven who help him understand the significance of his life. It's a reflective exploration of the interconnectedness of human lives. ### 20. "The Bell Jar" by Sylvia Plath Plath's semi-autobiographical novel about a young woman's descent into mental illness is a raw and powerful examination of gender, identity, and the struggle to find one's place in the world. ## Books That Encourage Personal Growth ### 21. "The Art of Happiness" by Dalai Lama Co-authored with psychiatrist Howard Cutler, this book presents

[shraddhamatre]

Getting Past the GATE: Your Route to Engineering Prominence

Getting Past the GATE: Your Route to Engineering Prominence One of the most prominent and difficult tests in India is the Graduate Aptitude Test in Engineering (GATE). Examinees for postgraduate admissions and public sector unit (PSU) positions in engineering can apply for GATE, which is jointly administered by the Indian Institute of Science (IISc) and seven Indian Institutes of Technology (IITs). This blog explores the importance of the GATE exam, test-taking techniques, and the opportunities it provides.

The exam measures a candidate's comprehension of science and engineering ideas at the undergraduate level. It is competitive and comprehensive since it covers a broad range of fields. Academic institutions and industry players highly appreciate analytical and problem-solving skills, which are demonstrated by a high GATE score in addition to validating technical knowledge.

Exam Structure The GATE test is an online assessment that lasts three hours. With 65 questions totaling 100 marks, the paper consists of both multiple-choice (MCQ) and numerical answer type (NAT) questions. There are two components to the questions: the main subject (85 marks) and general aptitude (15 marks). Depending on the candidate's discipline of choice, which might be anything from aerospace engineering to life sciences, the fundamental subject changes.

Strategies for Preparation Recognize the syllabus and format of the exam: Gaining a good understanding of the GATE syllabus and exam format is the first step. This aids in determining the key points and relative importance of the various sections.

Make a Study strategy: It's important to have a well-organized study strategy. Set aside time for each subject according to your level of expertise and how challenging it is. Don't forget to factor in time for practice exams and review.

Study Resources and Materials: Make the appropriate study material selections. Standard textbooks, past exam papers, and internet resources like as NPTEL lectures can be of great use. Enrolling in online classes or coaching programs might offer more direction and disciplined instruction.

Practice and Revision: Mastering GATE requires consistent practice. Work over past years' exam questions and take practice exams on a regular basis. This aids in boosting accuracy and speed as well as comprehending the format of the test.

Emphasis on Concepts: GATE assesses your ability to apply concepts and make sense of them. Instead of memorizing facts, concentrate on comprehending the core ideas and how they apply.

Time management is essential both during exam preparation and during the actual test. To improve your time management abilities, practice answering questions in the allotted time.

Prospects Post-GATE: Opening GATE provides numerous chances.

Postgraduate Admissions: IISc, IITs, NITs, and a number of other institutes accept GATE scores for M.E., M.Tech, and Ph.D. programs. Gaining a postgraduate degree from these prestigious universities might greatly improve your chances of landing a good job.

PSU Jobs: A lot of PSUs hire people based on their GATE results. Because of their great pay, benefits, and job stability, these positions are in great demand.

Research Opportunities: For individuals with a preference for research and development, a strong GATE score can lead to research fellowships in prestigious research institutions like CSIR, DRDO, ISRO, and BARC.

International Higher Education: A number of international colleges accept GATE results for their PhD programs. With GATE scores, there are great prospects for higher study in nations like Germany and Singapore.

In short For engineering graduates, the GATE exam is a stepping stone to a wide range of academic and professional prospects. You can get a great score and open doors to a lucrative engineering job with careful planning and a calculated approach. Remember that the secret to passing the GATE is persistence and steady effort. Set high goals, maintain concentration, and start along the path to engineering greatness.

Start Your Preparation With: https://gameacademy.in/ / https://clppenny.page.link/cTBm 

Recomended: https://www.youtube.com/@gblions / https://youtube.com/@gblionsaeje?si=WY3X-4r5JU7pVEA- 

[linguistlist-blog]

Jobs: Computational Linguistics, Semantics, Text/Corpus Linguistics: Two open full-time PhD positions in Linguistics (research group QLV), KU Leuven

The research group Quantitative Lexicology and Variational Linguistics (QLVL) at KU Leuven has two open full-time PhD positions in Linguistics on the topics of semantic change and semantic drift in lexis and grammar. Both positions are part of the MSCA Doctoral Network CASCADE (Computational Analysis of Semantic Change Across Different Environments), which is a collaboration of universities and companies from Ireland, Belgium, Finland, Germany, and the United Kingdom. We offer you a full-time 3 http://dlvr.it/T3HgZX

[nihalblogs]

Why study in Germany?

Germany has been known to be the innovative and financial force to be reckoned with of the Europe. German universities have drawn an enormous number of global understudies since the most recent few decades. The universities for advanced education are scattered all around the country. The vicinity of these universities to modern plants and different examination habitats give an open door to understudies to track down work and remain in a similar city. German universities offer more than 350 English-showed courses accessible in changing spaces.

Germany's universities are perceived universally German Universities and their calling scholarly staff offer a great and exceptional Education. Numerous universities offer global courses in English Language also. So it isn't required however prescribed to know German. The huge spotlight on research projects is likewise a justification behind the great standing of German universities. The state gives cash to the exploration tasks and this empowers the understudy to do their own activities and learn in a genuine circumstance. Worldwide understudies can do Temporary Positions either nearby or off grounds and bring in some cash for means. Concentrating on in Germany gives fascinating subjects as well as various spare energy exercises and many travel open doors. It is truly worth, getting to know this country in the core of Europe. More affordable when contrasted with different objections. Unfamiliar understudies are permitted to remain for long term and half after graduation, in case of searching for a task. Education Framework Specialized University: Specialized Universities are more examination arranged, they offer Single man Experts and Phd. For doing a doctorate in Germany, a university is the spot to study.

University of Applied Science: UAS are industry situated, Study programs incorporate work positions and pragmatic semesters.

[scuttle-buttle]

Chapter 1

Summary: Professor Laszlo Kreizler is a pretentious ass - that's the only way you could possibly explain the man. That being said, you needed a job to help pay for grad school, and the position of being his TA was the only thing available. You'll suck it up and deal with it, but the last thing you'll do is let this man get inside your head in the process.

WC: 1012

Rated: M (rating will go up)

Chapter Tags: dialogue heavy, “i dont give a damn about my reputation”, psychology talk

Check out the masterlist in my bio for more info & chapters!

🧠

“Please - I’ll take literally anything you’ve got,” you beg the hunched-over man behind the desk. Bills had begun to pile up at your tiny apartment off campus, but given you were knees deep in your graduate program you were too busy for a full-time job. Due to your constant presence in the university library you figured it made the most sense to just get a job at your school.

The clerk huffed at you and typed into his desktop. You could see the reflection of the screen in his bifocals. Other younger students milled about as you wait; you just hope that they don’t sense your impending panic.

“Well,” the man drones. “There is only one avalible position. It’s as a TA in the psychology department.”

“YES. I’ll take it, seriously, I don’t even care who it’s with, please.” He just looks at you over his glasses at the outburst. He types for another minute.

“I’ve sent the information to your student email, please have all the documentation filled out as soon as possible. This position has been open for some time now, so the start date is this Monday. All the details are in the email.” You don’t bother questioning why nobody wanted the job to begin with, too excited that you found a way to pay the bills.

“Thanks so much” - you read his name tag - “Roger, you are my hero.” Throwing your hands up in relief, you bid him a good night and head home. You didn’t hear him mumble “your funeral, kid.”

_

Bitsy, your roommate was already home when you burst in the door, bottle of cheap wine in your hand. “And tonight, we celebrate!” you announce. The two of you met in a required English course your junior year. You had gotten a two-bedroom off campus before your senior year. After graduation she entered the workforce as a journalist; you continued with your studies.

She whips her head from the tv at you. “You got a job?” You nod and do a little dance as an answer. “It’s about time, rent don’t pay itself, sweetie,” she sasses.

“Hey,” you point the bottle at her, “I haven’t let you down yet and I don’t intend to.”

She just laughs. “Nah I know, you’re the best roommate I’ve had in a long, long time.” Her New York accent is in full force tonight. Bitsy mutes the tv. “So what is this job?”

You snatch two mugs from the cabinet and plop next to her on the threadbare couch. “TA in the psych department.” You pour both of you generous glasses before chugging half your own and refilling it.

Your roommate squints at you suspiciously. “Do you even know anything about psych?”

She’s got you there. You feign offence at her question; “Of course, I took that one introductory course in undergrad with Stratton. I loved it, but I didn’t have room in my schedule to take any more. I know more than you think. And I did go to that shrink for a while.” She nods at you, knowing you didn’t like to discuss it much.

“Is she who you’ll be working for?”

“Um, I don’t know, didn’t ask.” You open your email app on your phone. “Roger, the love of my life at the student center, emailed me the information about the job. Let me check.” Bitsy waits as you search through the documents on your phone. It doesn’t take long.

Assignment:

Dr. Laszlo Kreizler

Courses: Introductory Psychology, Abnormal Psychology, & Criminal Psychology

“Who is Doctor… Kreezler?” Bitsy gasps. You furrow your brows at her reaction, confused. “What?”

“You’re working with Kreizler?” She cringes.

“I guess?” You look up to see her face. “I don’t- Bits, what's the big deal?” Now you begin to panic.

“Dr. Kreizler has a reputation on campus…”

And? “What is he like, a manwhore or something?”

“Jesus, the complete opposite. Everybody hates him - he grades impossible, requires that you come to see him during office hours and half the students leave ready to cry. He’s genius, but a dick.”

She continues, “I once heard a guy in the dining hall talking about how the professor called out this freshman in class and asked all these personal questions about how her grandfather dying fucked her up or something. He tries to get into everybody’s head. Never heard a good thing about him. I wouldn’t be shocked if he had a forked tongue and horns to go with it.”

Okay now you are definitely panicked.

At your paled complexion Bitsy backtracks “Oh but I’m sure he’s not all terrible? I mean you know, underclassmen - fail one test and the professor is evil…” Her words did little to ease you.

You spent the rest of the night and bottle researching Dr. Kreizler. He had no social media and there was only one picture online, but it was blurry. All you could make out was dark hair and a beard. He had been teaching at the university the last 4 years after moving from the University of Munich in Germany. You were able to find a few articles on one of his PhD theses, A Study of the Alien Mind: The Role of Societal Flaw in Creating Monsters Among Men. Skimming some, you note that he is very intellectual and wordy in his explanations.

Opening up the Rate My Professor website, you look him up.

“I’d give 0 stars if I could - he is the worst!!!”

“Literally f*ck this guy”

“Read my ass off, came to all office hours, still barely got a D in his 100 level”

“Not as bad with upper level courses, but only if you know how he works and can deal with his temper. Don’t expect higher than a C tho”

“watch out or he’ll try to psychoanalyze you in front of the entire class”

You blew a long breath out and closed your laptop. The clock on your bedside table read almost 2 am. I need this job, I need this job, I NEED this job, you chant to yourself.

Let me know if you want to be tagged!

[spencers-renaissance]

you know that a boy who likes boys is a dead boy

Summary: Spencer's gay. He joins the BAU and befriends the team, but it is 2003. It's a secret he has to keep. He just didn't expect it to be this hard.

Tags: gay!spencer, coming out, hurt/comfort, insecure!spencer, misunderstandings, angst with a happy ending, dad hotch, protective!hotch, protective!derek, childhood trauma TW: one instance of explicit homophobia, but it is referenced a lot, as is Spencer's internalised homophobia at the start of this fic. A shit ton of heteronormativity but tbh that's just canon lol

Pairing: Spencer Reid/OMC, Spencer Reid & Derek Morgan, Spencer Reid & Aaron Hotchner, The BAU Team & Spencer Reid

Word Count: 6k

Masterlist // Read on AO3

Consider this my contribution to pride month 😌 I've waited so long to post it and I'm so glad I'm finally doing it because it's definitely one of my all time favourites <3 Gideon is here somewhere but just like with all my early season fics he's not really part of the plot I combined my moreid and gen taglists bc it was hard to know the audience for this, but just ignore it if you're not interested!

you know that a boy who likes boys is a dead boy, unless he keeps his mouth shut, which is what you didn’t do, because you are weak and hollow and it doesn’t matter anymore. — richard siken, a primer for the small weird loves

Spencer has only told one person in his whole life.

His mother guessed. For as long as he can remember, she’s used gender neutral pronouns when talking about his future partner, read him all the gay literature she could find, promised him that he’s perfect just the way he is.

The trouble is that Spencer only believes her until the first grade, when Ryan Sampson shoves him over in the playground and calls him gay. His mom had only ever used that term in a sweet, loving way, taking care to associate such words with positivity, as long as his dad wasn’t around to hear. When that word comes out of Ryan Sampson’s mouth, it is not said with sweetness and love; it is said with venom, and Spencer learns quickly that his mom is wrong. He is not perfect just the way he is.

And so, he keeps it a secret. When his mom notices him getting uncomfortable at the mention of future partners, she stops bringing it up, though she refuses to give up the diverse education she provides for him outside of school. His dad tells him that one day he’ll be a strapping young man and marry a nice girl in a church, and Spencer nods along. He ignores the way his stomach turns with anxiety at the thought. Ignores the screaming match his parents have that night. Ignores the fact that it started because Diana chipped in with ‘or boy’.

He’s in high school by the time he’s twelve, and the only part he’s grateful for is the absence of pressure to get a girlfriend. His dad’s out of the picture now, and Spencer tries not to let himself think that maybe if he wasn’t like this he might have stayed. Diana’s so out of it most days that she doesn’t remember what she noticed about him when he was a child, only recalling the last few years of shoving himself so far back in the closet he can hardly see the door anymore.

It feels like he’s lost his last ally.

(He hates that a small part of him feels relieved she doesn’t remember; that he almost feels assured by the fact that the last person to know who he really is has forgotten. There is only this version of Spencer Reid now. No other exists.)

He makes the mistake during his second undergraduate degree. He’s just turned eighteen but he is already a doctor and, fortunately, this alienates him from most of his peers, but someone manages to slide past his defences. Ethan Miller is twenty, in the second year of his (first) undergraduate degree in Chemical Engineering, and he’s nice. Spencer doesn’t have a lot of experience with friendship, but they get on well and Ethan makes him laugh. For the first time, he feels comfortable in the presence of anyone other than his mother.

They slip into an easy friendship: waiting for each other after class — Spencer back in the undergraduate buildings now he has his first PhD under his belt — and going out for ice cream and pizza and Thai food. Ethan goes to parties while Spencer studies, and then they reconvene to watch Doctor Who and play cards.

For almost a year, Spencer keeps his secret carefully locked up, hidden behind the mask he’s perfected after so many years. Even though he’s eighteen, nearly nineteen now, he doesn’t try and explore that side of himself. No, that’s far too risky. He doesn’t try and pretend any other way either, he just stays silent and lets people’s assumptions lie for him, but he can’t help the longing that claws up his throat when he locks eyes with a passing guy on campus. One time, he’d seen two men kiss on a bench in the city, and he’d run back to his dorm and had a panic attack. Why couldn’t he have that?

The feelings don’t stop, and he doesn’t know how to make them. He hates that he isn’t normal, but still longs for the touch of a man, the feeling of being wrapped up in strong arms, of being kissed by dry, chapped lips, and falling asleep to a heartbeat approximately 11% slower than that of a woman’s.

It’s a constant battle inside him, emotions raging, and he struggles to control it, suppress it, tame it.

He pays a sorry price.

Ethan makes him feel comfortable, and that turns out to be a detriment. He relaxes around the other boy: he tells him about growing up as a pre-teen in a high school, about how a child feels living 260 miles away from home, even about his mother’s illness.

And one day, it slips out. They’re on the beach, lying on towels as they look up at the blue sky, talking about what their futures will look like: Ethan will be a successful chemical engineer in Berlin, and Spencer will work for the FBI, profiling serial killers.

“You’ll have to marry a German girl,” he tells Ethan. “It’ll be tough to convince an American girl to move all the way to Germany as soon as you graduate.”

“Yeah, and what about you? You’ll be off fighting crime around the country, not much of a life for a family.”

“Oh, I imagine my husband will be the type to—”

“Husband?”

Spencer freezes. It shocks him as much as it shocks Ethan. He doesn’t even pay much attention to Ethan’s disgusted face and his outraged tirade. He hears slurs and insults, hears him say that he can’t believe Spencer tricked him like this, that he was probably waiting to make a move on him, that he was never to look in Ethan’s direction again, but Spencer is frozen in time.

He’s never allowed him to think much about what his personal life might look like in the future, but he’d said ‘husband’ on instinct, without thinking, and it’s clearly something he actually wants. Ethan’s words sting, but the moment brings about a realisation Spencer is thankful for; it instigates a journey of self-discovery and self-expression, of the joy of living as your true self.

He loses his first and only friend, but he gains something much more valuable. He visits gay bars — nervously sipping a non-alcoholic drink in the corner at first, before soon becoming confident enough to respond to the men who sidle up to him and ask for his name. He lets go and dances the night away, sometimes going home with one of the many dance partners he acquires during the night, sometimes heading back to his own dorm happily alone.

Makeup and dresses and skirts and heels make their way into his wardrobe, and he befriends girls and drag queens and other gay men who encourage him to be exactly the way he is. And the best part is, he never has to come out to any of them. All of them know, and that’s good enough for everyone.

The fun comes to a sad sort of slow, however, when he joins the BAU. Everyone knows law enforcement’s relationship with the LGBT community is less than adequate — Spencer’s seen it with his own eyes: butch lesbians and men in dresses getting roughed up by angry police officers for ‘lewd behaviour’ or ‘drunkenness’ when they’re just being themselves. It’s not safe for him to tell anyone, so he doesn’t.

He still goes out with his friends when he’s in town and wears makeup and dresses and crop tops when he’s at home, but presents as rigidly straight Dr Spencer Reid to his team at the BAU.

The hardest part about it is that he loves his team. He’s known Gideon for years — and he wouldn’t be surprised if he suspects something after coming over to his house unannounced one night, only to have a man other than Spencer open the door — but he settles into a comforting dynamic with Hotch. He can’t help but see him as something of a father figure, and he knows Hotch has a soft spot for him, always looking out for him and taking him under his wing without a moment’s hesitation.

Elle, JJ, and Penelope all take a shine to him, too, teasing him without a hint of malice in their tones, only the kind of playful kindness that reminds him of his mother. He forms a special bond with Penelope and they spend hours watching Doctor Who together and geeking out on all the areas their interests overlap, and the comfort he feels with her matches the comfort he’s found with his new group of queer friends.

(She doesn’t hold a candle to Ethan, he decides one night, after he’d cried at a movie she’d made him watch and she felt so bad she made him hot chocolate and jam toast and cuddled him until he felt better.)

Derek becomes a brother to him. He puts him in a headlock at least once a day — which Spencer has been reliably informed by multiple sources is a very brotherly thing to do — and teases him relentlessly, while simultaneously being fiercely protective of him. Enough so, that Spencer sometimes wonders if he even has Hotch beat in that department.

He loves his team and his team loves him. It should be simple. It is still 2003.

He comes in one morning late for a briefing, his shirt buttoned wrong and his hair is a mess, and he’s fairly sure that his attempt to cover the hickey at the base of his neck with concealer has been ultimately unsuccessful. It’s obvious why he’s late. Gideon is too engrossed in the case file to notice, but Hotch raises an eyebrow, an amused look on his face as everyone else immediately takes to teasing him.

“Who’s the lucky lady, pretty boy?”

Elle raises an eyebrow to match Derek’s shit-eating grin, “Someone definitely got some strange last night.”

“When do we get to meet her, Spence?” JJ asks, smirking as he takes a seat.

He’s bright red — as if he needed to look any more debauched — and Spencer tries to ignore the hurt that seizes his chest at the reminder of his need to stay quiet. This team respects him, and he can’t throw that away just because Spencer gets too comfortable.

God, he wishes Penelope was here.

“None of your business,” he mutters, trying to keep his tone light. He fails.

Naturally, Hotch notices and swiftly moves the briefing on, and Spencer keeps his gaze locked on the case file, not missing the absence of a reprimand from his superior. He’s constantly thankful for the older man, but in this moment, he wishes he could hug him.

(A voice that sounds dangerously close to Ethan’s rises up and taunts him in his ear: he wouldn’t want a dirty homo like you anywhere near him—)

Derek doesn’t let up on the case, continuing to bug him about the special lady in his life. He does concede that it could’ve been a one night stand, which is one front he’s right on, but a couple more concessions are necessary before Derek comes close to the truth of last night.

Eventually, Derek stops, and Spencer notes that the cessation of comments comes suspiciously close to the last time Derek and Hotch were alone together. He doesn’t have it in him to feel angry at Hotch for stepping in when he had it handled; doesn’t have the energy to act as though his pride is wounded, because really, neither of those things are true, and he doesn’t need to add another item to ‘Spencer Reid’s List of Things He Pretends to Be.’

The situation is forgotten, and time moves on.

Things change when he finds his first proper boyfriend. He doesn’t know what he was expecting, but it certainly wasn’t the giddying rush of emotions it turns out to be, and Spencer spends his days smiling as he daydreams his time away.

His name is Oscar Wilkins, a History professor at Georgetown University, and Spencer falls quickly in love with him. Ever since their mutual friend had introduced them at a gay bar one evening, they’d spent all their free time together. He’s kind and gentle and understanding of Spencer’s hectic and unpredictable job, and he finally has the chance to experience everything he quietly and shamefully longed for as a teenager.

The only downside is the silent breaking of Spencer’s heart that the most important people in his life can’t meet his boyfriend. He longs to show Oscar off, to hold hands in front of his team, lean up to press a tender kiss to Oscar’s lips. He wants to put a framed picture of the two of them at the Washington Monument on his desk to remind him of why he needs to get through the hard days; he doesn’t want to have to sneak out of the hotel room he shares with Derek to whisper hushed, loving goodnights over the phone.

But he’s too scared. Too cowardly.

It’s different being who he is with his gay group of friends littered with wlws and drag queens and other gay and bisexual guys. They understand.

But Derek and Hotch are two extremely masculine, alpha men: Derek’s a ladies’ man and Hotch is married to a woman he met in college with a baby on the way and both have a strong and dominant energy that still sometimes manages to intimidate Spencer even after all these years. And Elle and JJ are lovely — some of his closest friends, really — but sometimes they remind him a little too much of the mean girls he went to high school with.

The hardest person to keep his secret from, though, is Penelope. She’s his best friend and he desperately wants to give her all of him, but he’s so scared. He’s lost a best friend to this secret before, and even though he’s certain she’d be fine with it, what if she accidentally let it slip to Derek? What if Hotch found out and didn’t see him in the same light anymore? What if the girls started teasing him? What if Gideon didn’t want to mentor him anymore?

The fear paralyses him. And it’s a cycle he doesn’t know how to break.

Fear, though, doesn't stop everyone from noticing his daydreaming, his dopey smile when he checks his messages, his urgency to get home where he would’ve stayed until the small hours of the morning before. As excellent as he is at hiding his sexuality, he’s fucking terrible at hiding the fact that he’s in love: it was easy enough to pretend he was straight, but hiding something this all-consuming is an impossible ask.

Derek comes over to perch on the edge of his desk one afternoon, sighing as he sits down. “Pretty boy, this is getting ridiculous,” he says, snatching Spencer’s attention away from his phone. “You’ve been grinning like an idiot for the last twenty minutes as you’ve texted Future Mrs Reid. When are we going to meet her?”

(He hates the new nickname the team has given his mystery significant other, although Oscar had found it hilarious. “It’s funny because when we get married, we’ll hardly be able to tell,” he’d argued through his laughter. “Neither of us will change our name because of our academic profiles, and we’ll both still be ‘Dr’. Our wedding rings will be the only indicator.”

Spencer hadn’t argued back, because he’d been too tongue-tied and flushed pink at Oscar’s use of ‘when’ in regards to their hypothetical nuptials. It was only made bearable by Oscar kissing him gently and tucking him under his arm, not embarrassing him any further as Spencer had sort of anticipated, warmth settling over his chest at the thought of their future together.)

“You won’t,” he replies, perhaps a little too curtly.

Derek starts at that, clearly not expecting it. He definitely should’ve tried to play it off as a joke. “What— should I be offended, pretty boy?”

You wouldn’t call me that if you knew who I really am.

“That’s up to you, Derek,” he says calmly, although he still can’t meet his eyes, “but you won’t meet the ‘Future Mrs Reid, so I think it would probably be best if you left it alone.”

“Damn,” Derek mutters under his breath, clearly pissed off and probably more hurt than Spencer ever intended. “Suit yourself.”

And with that, he gets up and leaves his desk. Spencer’s only solace is the text message he sees on his phone when he picks it back up: I love you so much. You know that, right?

The light-hearted ridicule comes to an abrupt halt after the incident with Derek, and it’s clear that he had been the biggest contributor to the teasing. He’s thankful that the jokes have stopped, but he wishes desperately that it didn’t come with the growing distance between him and his team. Loneliness takes the place of his previous irritated anxiety, and he isn’t sure what’s worse.

It all comes to a head at the end of a case in Michigan. They’re stuck in the lounge of the small inn they’d stayed in the last few days, a snowstorm having blocked them in and grounded the jet, although Gideon had long since retreated to his room. The fire’s going and they’re the only guests around, so it’s cosy enough, but Spencer can’t help but feel sick at the idea of another night away from home.

It’s only been two weeks since he’d snapped at Derek, but the chasm between him and the team is only widening with each passing day. He knows it’s not a case of ‘pick a side’, but the team’s morale relies on light-hearted banter and teasing, and him not being a part of that anymore has only brewed awkwardness. Everyone’s trying to give him space when space is the last thing he wants.

Oscar’s keeping him company over the phone at least, but it’s not quite enough to quell the loneliness swimming around his stomach, and the 'discrete' sideways looks he gets from the team only make him feel worse.

“At least it’s nice and toasty in here,” JJ sighs as she takes a sip of the hot chocolate the kindly inn owner had made for them all.

Elle hums in agreement. “There are worse places to be grounded.”

“I dunno, man, I just wanna get home,” Derek says, not taking his eyes off the fire. Spencer can’t help but agree.

“Oh, come on,” Hotch muses, considerably more jovial now the case is over, “we’re here, and that’s not going to change any time soon. We should make the most of it.”

“It’s at least nice to be somewhere sort-of Christmassy now it’s December,” Elle points out. “We could be stuck in a dingy police station like we probably will be next week.”

“Ooh, I noticed that Jemimah and Kiran started planning the Christmas party last week,” JJ says, smiling at them. “I offered my help, but they seem to have it covered.”

Hotch raises an eyebrow“That’s probably a good thing. You don’t need more work on your plate.”

“Not gonna argue with that,” she murmurs, smiling as she brings her mug to her lips again.

Spencer doesn’t miss that Derek is still stewing on the opposite side of the room.

“Are you looking forward to the Christmas party, Spencer? Will you come?” Hotch asks, clearly trying to rope him into the conversation, which he appreciates. He’s been making a lot of effort with him the past few weeks, and it’s just about the only thing that’s getting him through each day.

Before he can reply, though, Derek erupts from the other side of the room; an already pissed-off man being pushed over the edge. “He won’t even let us meet his fucking girlfriend, Hotch, he’s not gonna want to come to the Christmas party!” he yells, throwing his hands in the air as he glares at Spencer with a stormy expression raging across his face.

Suddenly, Spencer can’t stay silent anymore, and his retort shocks himself just as much as it does everyone else. “I don’t have a girlfriend!”

It might be the loudest he’s ever shouted in his whole life. He’s always been quiet and restrained, the type to state his feelings as calmly as possible no matter how he’s feeling on the inside. Even in the biggest fight he’s had with Oscar, his voice was barely loud enough to qualify as a shout.

There’s a brief stunned silence, but Derek quickly slices his way through it, voice raising to meet Spencer’s fiery emotion, fierce and loud. “Oh, don’t even go there, Reid, you’re really gonna try and argue that? You’re gonna lie about her as well as not let us meet her? What a boyfriend you are.”

“I don’t! I don’t have a girlfriend!” he repeats, voice catching this time as tears rise unbidden to the backs of his eyes and all the emotions of the journey he’s taken with his sexuality over the years flood him in a wave of intensity he’s not prepared for.

“You’re fucking lying—!”

“I have a boyfriend!” he yells. “Alright? I have a boyfriend. I’m gay.”

The anger and emotion quickly dissipates, and he’s left standing alone in front of the team he’s put so much effort into hiding this from, watching shock spell out across everyone’s expressions. He’s never felt smaller than he does in that moment, and he quickly grabs his phone before running upstairs to his room, locking the door behind him.

“Oh God, Oscar, I fucked up so bad,” he cries over the phone as soon as his boyfriend picks up.

“Hey, hey, breathe, baby,” Oscar says gently, but Spencer can hear the anxious concern in his voice, “it’s gonna be okay, I promise. I’m here. Do you want to tell me what happened?”

“I just— Oh God, I just told the team.” A new wave of horror rolls over him as he realises what he’s done. Times might be changing, but it’s still only 2006, and he doesn’t know each and every nuance of his team members’ political positions and, fuck, he hates that his existence is a fucking political position.

Oscar’s been so understanding of his reluctance to not tell the team, even though Spencer’s met pretty much everyone in his life. He isn’t sure what he’s done to earn such a gracious and understanding boyfriend, but he’s not about to question it.

“Baby, I know it’s scary, and I know you’re really worked up right now,” he counsels, voice soft and reassuring, using the nickname he knows Spencer loves the most to make him feel as safe as he can from 700 miles away, “but it’s probably not as bad as you think. From what you’ve told me about the team, they love you so much, and even in the case that in the past they've had some issue with gay people, I can't imagine they’d ever actually think of you any differently when it comes down to it, Spencer.”

He’s crying too hard to reply, and Oscar understands immediately, gently transitioning into a story about his day that slowly starts to calm him down, and by the time he’s wrapping it up, his tears are starting to subside.

“Thank you, Ozzy,” he whispers into the phone, lifting himself up off the floor and making his way to sit on the bed instead.

“You know I’d do anything for you, sweetheart,” he murmurs warmly. “Do you want me to stay on the phone for a bit?”

“Yes please,” he whispers again, holding it as close to himself as possible, drawing all the comfort he can from his boyfriend’s voice.

He lies there listening to Oscar’s voice and trying not to think about the disaster downstairs for a good ten minutes before there’s a tap at the door.

“Oz, there’s someone here,” he says, voice panicked.

“I think you should probably speak to them, baby,” he urges. “I’ll stay on the phone with you while you do, if you like?”

“Please.” He gets up from the bed gingerly, keeping his phone tightly gripped in his right hand as he slowly unlocks the door with his left, revealing Hotch on the other side.

“Hey, Spencer. Do you mind if I come in?”

He’s riddled with nerves, but Hotch is smiling warmly, and he’s never said a harsh word to Spencer, so he steps aside and lets him into his room.

Hotch quickly notices the phone in his hand, visibly still on a call. “Is that your boyfriend?”

Spencer nods.

“Do you mind if I talk to him?”

His brows knit in confusion and his lips part slightly in surprise, but it’s all he can do to hand the phone over, watching Hotch carefully.

“Hi, Spencer tells me this is his boyfriend?” Hotch inquires politely into the phone, his tone still warm. “I’m Hotch, Spencer’s boss.”

He can vaguely hear Oscar speaking on the other end of the line, and he worries slightly that Oscar will somehow give away the familial feelings he holds for Hotch, but the conversation doesn’t last long enough for the anxiety to really take over.

“Everything’s fine here, I just want to have a conversation with Spencer, so is it alright if we hang up and I talk to him alone for a minute? He can call you straight back afterwards.” After a brief pause in which Oscar says something, Hotch looks back up at him. “Are you okay with that, Spencer?”

He nods hesitantly, and Hotch says a quick goodbye to Oscar before surging forwards and wrapping Spencer in a hug. It catches him off guard, but he doesn’t waste any time in burying his face into Hotch’s neck and soaking in the comfort and warmth that always radiates from his father figure.

“Come on,” Hotch says softly as they pull away a good minute or so later, “let’s sit down, shall we?”

“You’re not mad?” Spencer can’t help but ask, the question burning his tongue as anxiety — however quietened from Hotch’s hug — still swims around in his stomach.

“There are many things that could make me mad, Spencer,” he says earnestly, “but this is not one of them. I would never be angry at you for being who you are, okay? I might… I might be overstepping here, and if I am, then tell me and I’ll back off, but I’ve always seen you as a mentee, and over the years that’s developed— well, I see you more as a son these days. And part of that is wanting to protect and support you no matter what you do or say or who you are.”

Spencer wastes no time in diving back in for a hug, clinging onto Hotch for dear life as he hugs back, rubbing his back gently.

“I’m so sorry you didn’t feel like you could tell us sooner, Spencer,” he says in a voice soft with affection and regret. “But I’m so glad you’ve told us now.”

He only presses closer at that, tears springing back to his eyes. “I didn’t want to lose you.” He knows what he’s implying, and even in a roundabout way, he’s glad he’s telling Hotch.

“Oh, Spence,” he sighs sadly, “you couldn’t do a single thing to lose me. I’m in it for the long haul.”

“Really?” he asks, hating how insecure he sounds.

“Really,” Hotch promises, pulling away as Spencer does. “Now, you have a whole team of agents downstairs who are feeling very sorry for themselves and really want to see you.”

Nausea rolls in his stomach and panic springs back up as he looks at Hotch, desperate for some sort of grounding. “Are they angry at me? Do they hate me now?”

“No one hates you, Spencer,” he says firmly. “I promise you that. Everyone just wishes that they’d made you feel more welcome and comfortable. We all hate that you felt you had to lock up something so integral to who you are, and we can’t help but feel we played a part in it.”

“No,” he protests — the last thing he wants is family blaming themselves when it has nothing to do with them, “it’s not your fault, it’s just…”

Hotch nods. “I understand, it’s okay. Now, do you want to go down and see them? You don’t have to if you don’t want to, but it might help ease your mind to see that they really don’t hate you.”

Spencer pauses, taking a moment to think. “Can I see Derek first?”

“Of course,” Hotch says understandingly, and the comforting smile that crosses his face makes Spencer feel safe and taken care of. “I’ll send him up?”

Spencer nods and Hotch hugs him once more before leaving the room almost reluctantly. He wastes no time in picking up his phone and sending a text to Oscar. You were right. Hotch is fine. He’s just sending Derek up before I go and see the team but he says that no one’s angry and I think I believe him. Thank you, Oscar. I love you.

Not even half a minute goes past before his phone lights up with a text back. I’m so glad, baby. Call me later, okay? I want to make sure you’re okay before I go to bed. I love you more.

Before Spencer can argue that actually, he is the one more in love with the other, a hesitant knock sounds on his door. Nerves suddenly flip his stomach, and he clenches and unclenches his fists a couple of times before forcing himself to cross the room, revealing a very worried and regretful-looking Derek.

“Oh, pretty boy,” he says sadly, before crushing Spencer in a warm and tender hug. Immediately, he relaxes into the arms of one of his best friends, and relief courses through his blood at Derek’s reaction. “I am so sorry that I ever made you feel like you couldn’t tell me that you were gay or had a boyfriend. That’s completely on me. I don’t care who you love, Spencer, I just want you to be happy, okay? And if this guy makes you happy, then that’s fine by me. But if he ever lays a hand on you or—”

“Derek, Derek,” he laughs, “it’s fine I get it. Thank you, though, I’m… I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you earlier and for snapping at you in the bullpen that time…”

“I understand, Spence,” he promises. “It’s in the past, okay? And I’m sorry for pushing so hard. I mean, I’d love to meet him but if you don’t feel comfortable or you don’t want to, that’s fine, too. It’s your life, man.”

“No, I… I think I want you guys to meet him. It’s been so hard to keep him away from the people I consider my family, you know?”

“Yeah, I know. Maybe after Christmas, we can all have dinner or something.”

Spencer smiles shyly. “Well, Oscar’s a great cook, so I reckon we could work something out.”

Derek grins, throwing an arm around his shoulders as he immediately jumps back into teasing him as they make their way to the door to go downstairs and see the rest of the team. “Ooh, lover boy’s got him a chef, hey? What else does this Oscar have going for him?”

Spencer chatters eagerly about his boyfriend to Derek, barely skipping a beat when he joins everyone downstairs, his friends taking his cues and joining in with the conversation seamlessly. He’s had enough fuss for one night, and the warmth and understanding on everyone’s faces tells him everything he needs to know.

“Do you have any pictures of him?” JJ asks, raising an eyebrow with eager expectancy as they all settle back into their seats by the fire, a warm and unbelievably happy feeling settling in Spencer’s stomach.

He blushes, digging out his phone from his pocket and unlocking it. “More than a few, I think.”

He finds the most recent picture of his boyfriend — a candid shot of him cooking in the kitchen, spatula aloft, and a huge grin on his face — and hands the phone around.

“Oh wow, you like them buff, huh, pretty boy?” Derek teases as soon as he gets his hands on it, and Spencer’s stomach twists in a sudden bout of fear, expecting to see some hesitancy or even disgust on his friend’s face. What if he thinks that Spencer has a crush on him? What if he’s uncomfortable around him now?

But if Derek’s having any of those thoughts, they don’t show on his face. He’s smiling widely and openly, all the pent-up anxiety and frustration borne from hurt gone from his body language, and he looks completely comfortable sat next to Spencer, his arm stretched out behind him on the back of the sofa.

They sit happily around the fire for a couple of hours, settling into a happy, intimate familiarity Spencer hadn’t realised was missing when he was hiding something so integral to his being from his family, and he’s still smiling when they finally part ways to head to bed, the clock ticking closer and closer to 1 am.

He gets ready for bed quickly, brushing his teeth and throwing on the top he’d stolen from Oscar the first time he’d stayed at his place; a welcome change from his worn and wrinkled suit. As soon as his teeth are brushed and the lights are all off except for his bedside lamp, he pulls out his phone, knowing there’s one more thing he has to do before he goes to sleep.

“Spencer?” Penelope’s voice sounds down the line, clearly concerned. “It’s almost 2 am here, are you okay?”

“I’m gay,” he says, getting straight to the point. The main reason he ever kept it from her was because of his fear of it accidentally getting out to the team rather than fear over her reaction. After all, multiple of his drag queen friends are also hers.

“Oh my God,” she says in that small voice she uses when she’s not actually talking to you, before finally actually replying to me. “Spencer, I’m so happy you told me!”

He doesn’t miss her choice of words, or the way she says them and he tilts his head suspiciously. “You already knew, didn’t you?”

She sighs. “Yeah. I’m sorry, a couple of months ago I saw a text from Oscar on your phone when you went to the bathroom during one of our Doctor Who marathons, and it wasn’t hard to figure out the relationship.”

“And… wait, you’re not mad at me for not telling you sooner?”

“Spencer! Of course not. I was waiting for you to be comfortable enough to share it with me. I felt awful that I knew without your consent but I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want to catch you off guard or make you feel uncomfortable. It’s fine that you waited, baby genius, I’m just so happy you told me now. What finally gave you the courage?”

“Well, it might have slipped out in front of the team this evening,” he admits sheepishly, “and the only reason I never told you was because I was scared that it would slip out somehow — accidentally, of course, I didn’t think you’d tell anyone on purpose — and now everyone knows. It’s been killing me not to tell you, Penelope, it really has because I love you so much and you’re my best friend and I trust you with my life, it’s just…”

“Whoa, slow down, Spence,” she laughs fondly, “you don’t have to explain yourself to me, I understand. But I’m glad you finally told everyone and you can be yourself completely with us, now. We all love you no matter what, you know that right?”

“I do now.”

“Good. You should get some sleep, baby boy, it’s late and you’ve had an emotional evening.”

Spencer smiles. “Yeah, I know. You should, too, Pen. I’ll see you when we can finally make it home, okay? Love you.”

“Love you, too, 187,” she says softly, and Spencer can hear the smile in her voice. “Goodnight.”

As soon as he hangs up, he settles down into the bed, turning off the light and pulling the duvet up over his shoulders before dialling one more number.

“Hey, baby,” Oscar says, voice as gentle and caring as it always is, although thicker with tiredness now. “I take it everything went okay?”

“Yeah,” Spencer murmurs, already feeling tired as the safety he always feels at the sound of Oscar’s voice settles into the fibres of his being. “It went so well. I can’t wait for you to meet everyone.”

“I can’t wait either, sweetheart. Are you in bed now?”

“Yeah,” he sighs. “Can you talk to me as I fall asleep?”

“Anything for you, Spence,” he says softly, before transitioning seamlessly into a story about the professors on campus, and his gentle comfort and the knowledge of the unconditional love his family has for him finally lulls Spencer into the best sleep he’s had in weeks.

taglist : @criminalmindsvibez @moreidstrobed @suburban--gothic @strippersenseii @takeyourleap-of-faith @negativefouriq @makaylajadewrites @iamrenstark @livrere-blue @hotchseyebrows @reidology @i-like-buttons @spencerspecifics @bau-gremlin @hotchedyke @tobias-hankel @goobzoop @marsjareau @garcias-bitch @oliverbrnch @physics-magic @sbeno22 @temily @enbyspencer @im-autistic @anxious-enby @kuolonsyoja @reidreids (add yourself to my taglist via this form!!)

[probably-not-a-rocketscientist]

calculated love and complicated confessions

summary: your time on cloverfield station has lead you to two conclusions: love is complicated and not everyone is who they seem

warnings: mutual pining, slight angst with a happy ending, mention of harm to others, one (1) german phrase that i'm pretty sure i butchered

a/n: did i write this all week when i should have been studying for my finals? yes. also, i saw this movie three years ago in chinese so i might have gotten some details wrong. english is not my first language so constructive criticism is encouraged. enjoy!

——

As an engineer, you knew the importance of trial and error. However, you did not expect for it to keep you in space for nearly three year with seven other scientist. You all found a sense of family with each other, but you couldn't help the need of being on earth grow every day.

One crew member you payed particularly close attention to was Ernst Schmidt. You noticed the little things about him; like how he would comb his fingers through his hair when it fell to his face because he insisted on keeping it long, or when he would curse in his native tongue when he got frustrated with his work.

After a while, the whole station seemed to have caught on to your fondness for Schmidt, except the physicist himself. He was oblivious to the constant teasing by the other crewmates, thinking it was only because of how close you two were as friends.

However, he wasn't the only clueless person on the station. You had failed to notice all the advances that Schmidt had made — like his hands lingering on to yours for a second more when they touched, or always insisting on being paired with you when you all were sent to do assignments throughout the deck. He found your presence to be intoxicating, but didn't push too far in fear that you didn't feel the same way.

—

The day before another test, you stayed in the dining room all night reviewing your calculations. You were almost positive that they were correct, but it would kill you if you were the one responsible for the accelerator being unsuccessful.

You were so focused on your work that you didn't notice how quiet the station was. You checked your wristwatch and it was well over midnight. Sleep wasn't a priority for you right now, but you knew you needed to be well rested for the test in a couple of hours.

Right as you were about to get up, Schmidt entered the room. His hair was messy and he was in sweatpants and a t-shirt. A pair of wire-framed glasses sat on his face, something he only wore when he forgot to put in his contacts — or in this case, retrieving an item from the kitchen at this ungodly hour. You forced yourself to look away, worried that you were starring at him for too long.

"Why are you still working? It's very late," he comments as he opens the refrigerator and grabs a bottle of water.

"I'm just nervous about tomorrow. We don't have a lot of firings left and I want to get this right," you responded.

"You've been working non-stop for the past month, I'm certain you will do just fine," he reassured with a smile. "And if not, I will take over your post."

"The last time I checked, I had one more PhD than you."

"I'll catch up eventually, you know."

He was fidgeting with his water bottle, unsure how to prolong this conversation. "Let me walk you back to your quarters, you need the sleep."

Without hesitation, you rose from your chair and began walking beside him. Walking through the halls of the station at night usually made you uneasy, but Schmidt's presence made it slightly more comfortable. The heavy clanking of your steel-toed work boots contrasted the light thumps of his sneakers.

After a few more paces, you arrived at your room. You punched in your passcode and the door slid open.

"Well, this is my stop. Thanks for making sure I got back safely," you joked.

"Of course," he responded.

You could tell that he was also tired so you didn't want to hold him for too long. "Goodnight Schmidt," you bid.

"Goodnight liebling," he responded. He began walking back to his own room before you could process what he said.

"What does that mean?" you questioned.

"You'll understand soon enough," he answered without looking back.

Even though you were confused by his response, you closed your door and locked it. Exhausted, you fell onto your mattress without taking your boots or jumpsuit off. Within a few seconds you felt your eyelids getting heavy and slipped into your sleep.

—

The control room was silent, worried that any movement or noise would cause the dial to turn in the unfavorable direction. The particle accelerator was fired less than a minute ago and the dial was slightly moving in between the red and green zones. This was first time the machine had been able to turn on and to have it successfully work would be nothing short of a miracle.

All of you held your breath as the dial began to turn again, this time in the green. Suddenly, it lowered significantly towards the safety levels.

It worked.

Cheers and laughter filled the room as you all celebrated the victory. After years of failures and dead-ends, the feeling of achievement was exhilarating.

—

You were thrown into chaos when you got back to earth. After the return shuttle landed in the Atlantic, a helicopter took you all back to mission control in London. Everyday consisted of either physical test to make sure the artificial gravity didn't have any negative effects on your body, or press conferences about how the eight of you solved the energy crisis. You couldn't turn on the news without some mention of the Shepard, but you were just glad to be home.

By the end of the month, you and the rest of the crew were burned out, both mentally and physically. You, Tam, Hamilton, and Mundy decided to stay in London and lead a team at mission control to monitor the Shepard's status. Kiel, Acosta, and Volkov were to return to their families and respective countries tomorrow. You hadn't heard much from Schmidt, but you assumed that he would return to his life in Germany. Since today was the last day all of you be together for a while, Hamilton decided to take you all to a pub downtown.

You watched the others play, or at least attempt to play, billiards closely from the bar. Your feet were aching so you decided to sit down but you were still actively encouraging them. After a couple rounds, Schmidt walked over towards you.

"Is this seat taken?" he asked politely.

"It's all yours," you gestured. He pulled out the stool and sat with his back facing the tabletop. You notice his outfit, a button-down shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows and a pair of dark trousers. It was a change from his usual jumpsuit uniform and a polo shirt with jeans.

The two of you sat in silence for a while, letting the soft conversations of the pub fill the empty space between you. It was almost a bittersweet moment; one of the last moments you would spend together.

Almost as if he read your mind, he answered your thought. "I'm not going back to Germany," he said.

A sigh of relief rang through your head, but you still couldn't help but be curious about his decision. "Why not? You probably have hundreds of women lining up to be with the 'German man that saved the world'," you joked.

He was unresponsive to your comment as he gathered his thoughts. His demeaner changed and he shifted in his seat so that now he was facing you. "Can I make a confession?" he asked.

"Of course, Schmidt," you replied. Now you were worried that something was wrong. He wasn't one for serious conversations so you knew this was important.

"As you may know, my country has been trying to start a war with Russia for nearly a decade. When the Shepard was built, the government sent me as a spy to prevent it from working. I was suppose to send logs of my progress back to them, but I never did. The day before we activated the device, I received a transmission ordering me crash the station into the ocean with all crew member on board. If I go back to Germany, they will have me arrested for treason."

You were shocked by his words and couldn't think of anything to say. You knew that Schmidt would never betray the crew, and apparently the cost of that was being exiled from his own country.

He was now looking down on the floor, worried that he would see disappointment in your eyes if he looked up. "Can you please say something?" he pleaded.

"Why didn't you do it? You knew this was the result, yet you still made the sacrifice? Why?" you asked. You brought your hand to cup his face, tilting his gaze so he was now looking down at you. Your thumb ran over his cheek as an attempt to comfort him.

"I did it for you. And I would do it all again if it meant I could see your smile, even for just one more minute. I understand if you want nothing to do with me after today, but you deserve to know the truth."

It wasn't until now that you realized how close in proximity you were to him. You could smell the cologne he was wearing; citrus with a hint of firewood. Flammable items like fragrance and hairspray weren't allowed on the station, but you could still identify the scent as his own.

"I guess it's my turn to make a confession, right? To even things out," you half-whispered. You continued to move closer to him slowly, seeing if he showed any sign of resistance. His eyes were now fixed on your lips, and yours to his. Deciding to take the final step, you grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and pulled him down.

The kiss was slow but filled with passion, the result of bottled up feelings for the past three year. He tasted like cigarettes and tap beer, exactly how you imagined him. His hands traveled down to your waist and attempted to pull you in as close as he could from the awkward position you both were in. A small moan escapes your lips from the contact, a sound that he found to be his favorite.

You pull away moments later to catch a breath of air. His quick breathing was in sync with yours and you let out a slight laugh of relief.

The intimate moment was interrupted by cheering and whistling coming from the billiards table. It was a mix of 'finally's and 'about time's. Your crewmates had a habit of embarrassing you and apparently it applied to public spaces as well. You put your head on Schmidt's shoulder to try to shield yourself from them.

"Should we go over there and say something?" you asked. The lighting in the pub wasn't great, but you could've swore you saw Mundy hand Tam £20.

"In a minute. I want to savour this moment for as long as possible."

[jobrxiv]

2 x PhD / Doctoral position in Biomedical Data Sciences & Bioinformatics University of Konstanz Come and join our Lab: https://www.biologie.uni-konstanz.de/gruber/ ! We have 2 open #phd positions in #bioinformatics and #biomedical #datascience! See the full job description on jobRxiv: https://jobrxiv.org/job/university-of-konstanz-27779-2-x-phd-doctoral-position-in-biomedical-data-sciences-bioinformatics/?feed_id=82421 #bioinformatics #biomedicine #data_analyses #data_science #systems_biology #ScienceJobs #hiring #research

[evoldir]

Fwd: Graduate position: UWaikato_NewZealand.InsectEvolution

Begin forwarded message: > From: evoldir@evol.biology.mcmaster.ca > Subject: Graduate position: UWaikato_NewZealand.InsectEvolution > Date: 20 August 2024 at 05:11:21 BST > To: rdmpage@gmail.com > > > > Graduate position > > About this opportunity: > > To cope with ever-changing environmental conditions, insects produce > cuticular hydrocarbons (CHCs), waxy lipids secreted onto their cuticle > that prevent desiccation. However, these CHCs also act as pheromones > crucial for communication during mating and contests.  Given that CHCs > function both as a barrier between an insect and its environment and to > convey messages during sexual interactions, they provide an ideal trait > to investigate the interaction between natural and sexual selection. How > these selective forces interact to shape the evolution of CHCs is poorly > known, especially under climate change. > > Using an endemic beetle, pepeke nguturoa (the New Zealand giraffe > weevil), found across most of Aotearoa New Zealand, this PhD project > will investigate the role of CHCs in sexual signalling and the trade-off > between desiccation resistance and communication using behavioural > experiments in the lab and field in combination with the use of analytical > chemistry techniques. > > We are looking for a candidate that has: > > - A strong background in at least one of: behavioural ecology, >  evolutionary ecology, chemical ecology. > - Experience or an interest in ecological field work and/or laboratory >  based experimentation > - Experience or an interest in learning GC-MS analytical techniques > - Strong statistical analytical skills (preferably in R) > - Excellent communication skills in English (written and spoken) > - An open mind and willingness to learn and work in a team > - A full drivers license > > Location: > > The candidate will be based at the University of Waikato in > Kirikiriroa/Hamilton under the Chief Supervision of Dr Chrissie Painting, > and co-supervised by Dr Megan Grainger (University of Waikato), PD Dr > Florian Menzel (Johannes Gutenberg University of Mainz, Germany) and > Professor Leigh Simmons (University of Western Australia, Australia). > > Scholarship Value: > > This is a fully funded University of Waikato Seeker Scholarship PhD > position for 3 years (an annual stipend of NZD$30,000, plus tuition fees). > > We encourage both international and domestic students to apply for this > position, which will be based in the Invertebrate Behavioural Ecology > lab at the University of Waikato in Kirikiriroa/Hamilton, Aotearoa New > Zealand. Kirikiriroa is a relatively small but vibrant town to live > and work, offering a fantastic mix of rural and city life. It is also > centrally located in the North Island of New Zealand, making it a great > base from which to travel the North Island. > > The successful student would start by June 2025. > > Interested candidates should send applications as a single PDF document > comprising 1) a letter of motivation that clearly outlines your > interest in the advertised project, 2) a curriculum vitae, including > scientific publications if applicable, 3) academic transcripts, and 4) > contact details for two academic references to Dr Chrissie Painting > (chrissie.painting@waikato.ac.nz).  The advert will remain open until > the position is filled, with applications reviewed from end of September > 2024. Feel free to contact Chrissie with any inquiries about the project. > > Dr Chrissie Painting (she/her) > Senior Lecturer > Te Aka Mātuatua - School of Science > Environmental Research Institute > Principal Investigator at Te Pūnaha Matatini > (Centre of Research Excellence) > Senior Editor of the > New Zealand > Journal of Zoology > Associate Editor at > Insect Conservation & Diversity > Ph: +64 7 837 9639 > > chrissie.painting@waikato.ac.nz > Painting > Lab website| > University > web profile > > Chrissie Painting

[zeldasayer]

I transcribed and translated Pedro’s interview from GQ Germany for all of us. I tried translating as good as possible but bear with me, English is not my mother tongue. By @sixties-loser

Pedro Pascal, the star from “Game of Thrones”, “Wonder Woman” and “The Mandalorian” talks about becoming an adult, film, fashion, corona – and a painful surgery in the exclusive GQ interview.

It seems almost eerie how empty the streets of LA are in the sunshine. Meanwhile a new normality seems to be coming to Europe, most people in L.A. are still cutting their own hair. Many have not seen their friends for half a year. The pandemic is out of control. The reaction towards it too. Inviting someone into their garden for a “distance drink” can cause the same distress as suggesting to switch spouses.

Therefore, it was particularly surprising that Pedro Pascal immediately accepted. He accepted the drink, not to switch spouses. He is one of the rising stars and newcomers this year – if it wasn’t for corona sending the whole film industry into a forced vacation, there would most likely not have been time for said drink. After having his skull crushed in “Game of Thrones” followed the lead role as a DEA agent hunting Pablo Escobar in “Narcos” in 2015 and now he is stepping towards big Hollywood films. From the 1st of October onwards the Chilean-born actor will be starring in the blockbuster “Wonder Woman 1984”. Moreover, the second season of the “Star Wars”-series “The Mandalorian” on Disney+ starring him as the lead is going to air in October this year – but he will be underneath a helmet. Well, we all are under a helmet in 2020 in one way or another. We want to meet the man who a few years ago still worked as a waiter in New York, whose parents were political refugees who found asylum in Denmark and settled in Texas and whose son one day signed up for a theatre group in High School.

Then, the cancellation! While we were in the middle of fixing up the house and the garden for the drink with Pedro and organizing the fashion shoot, which was not easy considering the safety measures in L.A., his management called with an unfortunate message: Pedro – no, not sick with corona – had to get emergency surgery because of a damaged tooth and was lying in bed with a swollen face that was hindering him from speaking and taking pictures. The sun is shining onto empty streets. And our empty garden.

A few days later he nonetheless arrived at our front door without a swollen face but still with threads in his mouth. He was not chauffeured by a limo-service but he came with his own car – he even picked up his make-up artist. He is helping her carrying all of her utensils into the house and declares: “I’ve got time today!”. What a celebrity! It seemed like we did not want to ask him how he made it to the A-List of Hollywood but he wanted to ask us how we made it to the A-list. Pedro Pascal! Yes, what kind of a celebrity?

Pedro Pascal: Sorry for messing with your plans. The surgery was an emergency.

GQ: Really? We were wondering whether the swelling wasn’t the product of a secret visit to the plastic-surgeon. Apparently, they are drowning in work because of the quarantine in Hollywood.

PP: I have to disappoint you. A few days before our appointment I was rushing to the hospital with a fractured tooth and the worst pain in my entire life – a hospital in which treats people with severe cases of corona. I was unable to reach any dentist! Right in front of the parking lot a specialist called me back. The pain was hell despite the ten injections I got. The doctor said I was not an exception because a lot of people are grinding their teeth because of all the stress.

GQ: What are you most afraid of at the moment?

PP: How the government is handling the pandemic is worrying me more than the virus itself. This shortage of intelligent management of the crisis is a moral shame. The leadership crisis in this country is turning us all into orphans – destitute and abandoned.

GQ: How did you spend your time over the last few months?

PP: I spent it with frozen pizza and sweatpants in Venice Beach. I live in a rear house that’s in a family’s garden. Actually, there are a lot of good takeout places nearby but for some reason I just love pepperoni pizza from the supermarket.

GQ: That does not really sound like movie star-lifestyle. What does it feel like being suddenly stopped from top speed to zero?

PP: Regarding what is going on around the world one should hold back one’s own mental turmoil. I would be lying if I was saying that I am not disappointed. The whole team put a lot of heart and work into the production of “Wonder Woman 1984”. We had a lot of fun on set. I wished to travel around the world and introduce the film with the same lively energy.

GQ: You come from a politically engaged, socialist family that fled from the Pinochet-regime in Chile. What do you remember from that time?

PP: My sister and I were born in Chile but I was only nine months old when we first found asylum in Denmark. From there we quickly came to San Antonio in Texas where my dad started working as a doctor at the university clinic.

GQ: Texas is not known as a socialist utopia. How did you assimilate?

PP: San Antonio is not a Cowboy-town but very diverse with big Asian, black and Latino communities. I remember it as a romantic place, culturally open. The culture shock only came as we later moved to range county in California. There the atmosphere was suddenly white, preppy and conservative.

GQ: How were you received in California?

PP: I’m still ashamed of the fact that I did not correct my classmates when they kept on calling me Peter. I am Pedro. Even if I didn’t grow up in Chile the country and the language are still a part of me. I was very unhappy in that environment. However, I was fortunately able to go to another school close to Long Beach where I felt more comfortable. Through the theater group at that school I found my way.

GQ: Were you able to visit Chile as a child?

PP: Yes, when my parents made it to the list of expatriates that were able to travel to Chile without consequences. First, there was a big family reunion and then my sister and I stayed there for a few months with relatives while my parents went back to Texas. They likely needed a break from us. They got us when they were very young, had a buzzing social life and my mother was obtaining a PhD in psychology.

GQ: Was your mother a typical young psychologist who wanted to apply her theoretical knowledge at home?

PP: You mean, whether I was her guinea pig? For sure! I remember strange tests and sittings that were disguised as games where someone was watching me react to different toys. I cannot have been older than six but I was already aware of the dynamic. My favourite thing was being questioned about my dreams. That was a wonderful opportunity to come up with fantastic stories.

GQ: Was that your first performance?

PP: Of course! My mother worried about my strong imagination because I was living in my own fantasy world rather than reality. I hated going to school. I was always categorized as the troublemaker. At one point, the topics at school became more interesting and my grades also went up. There are so many kids that are unnecessarily diagnosed with learning disabilities without considering that school can be abhorrent. Why is it so accepted to be bored in class when there are so many stimulating ways to convey knowledge?

GQ: Considering al that has happened this summer around the world: Do you believe that we can seriously demand social change now?

PP: I Hope so. After lockdown, the first time I went out was to protest for “Black Lives Matter” on the streets. The energy was peaceful and hopeful until the police provoked severe conflicts. Nevertheless, we cannot run from problems like we used to this time and we cannot distract ourselves from them either. It seems like the pressure of the pandemic led to a new clarity: We cannot go on this way.

GQ: The “Wonder Woman 1984” Trailer revives the optimism of the 1980’s. From today’s point of view, it seems almost nostalgic.

PP: That’s right. You really are happy for two hours. The director Patty Jenkins created a film full of positive messages. We shot in Washington D.C., then in London and Spain – this sounds like I am talking of a past time.

GQ: Do you miss traveling?

PP: I’m just now realizing the privilege of just packing up one’s stuff and being able to fly anywhere. An American passport used to guarantee unlimited travel. And that’s why it the small radius of our lives is actually unimaginable. Over the last years I often retreated for a break after shootings because I was constantly on the move and overstimulated. My friends were already complaining I had become too comfortable. We all took social contact for granted and are only realizing now how dependent we actually are on human contact. Over the last weeks I often longingly thought about all the parties and dinner invitations I declined.

GQ: In L.A. people spend more time at home or nature than in other metropolises that are more geared towards public life. Could this city become your second home after New York?

PP: My Real Home are my friends. I have been a nomad since I was little and I do not have a place where I have put down roots. Up until not long ago my physical home was a place in between departure and arrival. Therefore, it was something I did not want to complicate through the accumulation of stuff. On the contrary: Without having read Marie Kondo’s book I have freed myself from excess baggage over the last few years and I lived relatively minimally.

GQ: Is there nothing you collect or something you just can’t throw away?

PP: Books! I even still have the literature I read when I was a teenager and when I was in college. Recently, I stumbled upon a box full of old theatre manuscripts and materials from my time at the New York University. I also cannot part from art easily, just like I cannot part from lamps or old photos. On the other hand, I can easily get rid of furniture and clothes.

GQ: Do you remember roles that were really only completely defined through the costume?

PP: Yes, I am particularly thinking about “Game of Thrones”. At that time I understood for the first time what it meant to be supported by a look. This is thanks to the costume designer Michele Clapton. She created very feminine robes and brocade coats for my character that nevertheless looked masculine when worn and I felt very sexy in them. Of course, Lindy Hemmings power-suits and Jan Swells bleached hairstyle for the tycoon-villain in “Wonder Woman 1984” were very important as well. At first I did not really see myself in the role because the cuts and colors of the 80s do not really fit my body. I’m more the 70s type.

GQ: Do you incorporate those inspirations into your personal wardrobe?

PP: In my free time I choose comfort over a cool look these days. Sometimes I miss the times when I expressed myself through a certain style. It is hard to imagine that I went to Raves as a teenage in the 90s; I was a real club kid with ridiculous outfits: overalls, balloon pants, football shirts and a top hat, like in Dr.Seuss’s “Cat in a Hat”. Later in New York I was hanging out with a group of people that felt it was very important to have a certain style. The fact that I am basically only wearing sweatpants everyday is actually tragic.

GQ: whoever plays roles in comic book adaptations becomes a bodybuilder and eats ten chicken breasts a day. You don’t?

PP:My body would not agree with that. It is hard enough to stay in shape normally. When you’re in your mid-forties you have to live with a lot more discipline. Up until before my tooth-incident I worked out with a trainer in my garden multiple times a week to keep the quarantine body in check.

GQ: Apart from the personal trainer, are you in a steady relationship?

PP: I am not ready for that yet. Maybe at some point I will be but until then I’ll let it be. I can’t even offer you absurd corona dating stories.

GQ: What would annoy you the most if you were your own roommate?

PP: I can be quite controlling. I have to conjure all my humanity to prevent myself from going through my entire film collection. When I don’t want something I cannot keep it to myself or be passive-aggressive, I always have to take it to the frontlines. Other than that, I tend to have tunnel view: when I am not feeling well I cannot imagine to ever feel better again. I have trouble relativizing my emotions or to wave off problems. Method-acting would really not be for me. This is why I try to only work on projects that feel good, where there is mutual support and encouragement.

GQ: When we were trying on the clothes earlier you spoke of a lack of self-confidence. How does that get along with a career like yours?

PP: Isn’t it interesting how these characteristics and circumstamces relate? Self-worth comes from inside but it is also influenced by what society values because we often internalise the public gaze. I have lived in New York for 20 years, I studied there and made a living by working as a waiter until my mid-thirties because the theatre and film jobs I got did not pay the bills. There were so many times I was almost there. The disappointment of having missed the perfect role or opportunity by a hair’s width can be crushing. When should you give up and what is plan B? That is a question that is not only on many actors‘s minds but also on many others minds who struggle for a living – no matter how much potential they have or how close they seem to be to the top. We are seeing now how our narrow definition of success destroys society. At the same time, we are realizing that where we come from and the color of our skin still decide whether we can exist with dignity.

GQ: What are the positive aspects of a relatively late success as leading-man?

PP: I feel like I can decide over my own life without the pressure of having to accept projects or to have to present a certain identity on social media. This is for sure also because I am a man. Regardless of age, Women have to try harder to stand out.

GQ: Life always consists of risk management – now more than usual. For what would you risk losing something?

PP: Generally, when you never risk something you might never get ahead. That is for friendship, love, work and creativity. I have to be ready to take risks for the things that really matter to you.