#Oneyearofctrl

[flossytiptin]

A year ago this beautiful gem titled CTRL dropped today. At the time of starting a new chapter in my life one of 4 years was ending in my life. Over the course of my four years in high school I’ve struggled with insecurities, doubts, fears, a personal relationship and childhood traumas that have never been dealt with openly. On June 7th 2017, I officially had my last day of high school. Throughout my Senior year of high school I struggled with depression & trying to even live normally as a Senior while masking the conflicts of my mental health. Day in and Day out, I struggled at school & even the willpower to attend school everyday. Then after awhile things started to turn around for me. I remember earlier in my Senior year I stopped speaking to a guy, I genuinely cared about that was off and on throughout my high school years. I always thought that some how we’ll end up together, through the cards being dealt in our hand or the stars aligning in the sky or our paths in a parallel universe. But with time and everything else Things was always off for us and my insecurities that have haunted my for years got in the way. When 2017 came after being two months into the new year, I pushed myself hard to trust my journey of growth and self love out of depression & the traumas from my childhood that robbed my of joy. As May, the month of my birthday and prom started approaching things started to turn completely around. When June came, I was no longer dealing with depression even though sadness lived with me through ending off an era of high school that lasted for 4 years. Upon the night before my graduation I decided to reach out to that guy one last time & things went completely opposite of how I envisioned it. From that night & even the day of my graduation we talked & on the night of my graduation we decided to end things completely. On the day of my graduation(June 8th) I was talking to him all day & when I was on Twitter & saw Doves in The Wind was released I felt like I was being given a sign to leave things alone but didn’t see it til later. The day of June 8th marked a ending of an era and chapter of my last time ever speaking to him, graduating & completing high school after a long battle of my internal struggles and moving from California back home to Houston. I remember that night saying to myself I can’t wait til Ctrl comes out, It’ll be out tomorrow and I kept having this voice resonate inside me that all I needed to hear to be understood was Sza’s voice and Ctrl was going to be there for me. I remember June 9th being the day I was moving away from San Diego in route to Houston & trying to find Ctrl upon my departure. I finally had time to myself on my last day in California and playing Ctrl and feeling sad about everything going on & fearful of what’s coming next. Fast forward to another year and I’m finally happy and loved and confident within myself & nurturing myself through all I’ve gave me. I know Sza May never see or know this but I’m grateful for her and Love her for what she did and putting her whole heart and foot into Ctrl. Sharing with everyone a lot of the same things we go through specifically teenagers and young women/adults with personal issues in insecurities, fears, doubts, conflicts in love, acceptance, confidence, validation and vulnerability. So I thank Sza for helping me close a chapter and being able to speak on my life being a contrast to it last year. She was right when she said “This time next year I’ll be livin so good, Won’t remember your name... Won’t remember no pain I swear, livin so good, livin so good”. My baby was right and I’m grateful to be where I’m at now thanks to all the time & patience along with her and Ctrl being my shoulder to cry on and my audio diary to listen to have speak to me at large volumes. Thank you Solana aka SZA for taking that leap and sharing your thoughts and struggles with the world, I’ll always love and appreciate you!!!! 💖✨🌹

[thankyoulittlehoe]

ONE YEAR OF CTRL

CTRL