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whatsk-poppinhomies · 3 years ago

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𝐒𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐚𝐥 𝐏𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 : 𝐒𝐞𝐨𝐡𝐨 𝐱 𝐅!𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝐆𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞 : 𝐀𝐧𝐠𝐬𝐭/𝐅𝐥𝐮𝐟𝐟 𝐓𝐖 : 𝐛𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐤𝐮𝐩𝐬 ; 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫!𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐞𝐜𝐮𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐞𝐬 ; 𝐚𝐬𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐥𝐞 𝐞𝐱 𝐛𝐨𝐲𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝 ; 𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐧𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐮𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐝 ; 𝐝𝐞𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧 ; 𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐥 𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐬𝐭 ; 𝐖𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐂𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭 : 𝟏𝟎.𝟓𝐤 𝐀/𝐍 : 𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐢𝐬 𝐦𝐲 𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐟𝐢𝐜 𝐚𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐲𝐞𝐭, 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐈 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐞𝐧𝐣𝐨𝐲𝐞𝐝 𝐰𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐭 𝐬𝐨 𝐈 𝐡𝐨𝐩𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐞𝐧𝐣𝐨𝐲 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐭 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐚𝐬 𝐦𝐮𝐜𝐡 𝐚𝐬 𝐈 𝐝𝐢𝐝 𝐰𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐭 <𝟑

“And what makes you think you’re so special? What makes you think that I’d ever choose you? You couldn’t possibly think you mean that much to me, do you?”

Words that were as deadly as poisoned tipped daggers were thrown directly at you, piercing your heart and bringing you to tears in an instant. How could anyone be so cruel? You didn’t even know where it was coming from, at least that’s what you wanted to make yourself believe. Truth be told, you had expected this to happen, you had been waiting for it to happen for the longest time, you just didn’t think it would hurt this bad to actually hear it.

Your boyfriend was a salesman, he had to travel, it was a part of his job. You’d be lucky to see him for four days out of an entire month. He never wanted to live with you, he never wanted to commit or settle down, he loved his independence and that never bothered you, you respected that about him because in the beginning there never seemed to be any problems. You weren’t quite sure when the red flags had gone up, all you knew was that one day they were nowhere to be seen and the next time he had come around it was like they were everywhere.

“I could have any girl that I want. Do you really think I’d settle for less than perfect? You were just something to come home to play around with until I left again.”

It was like he was trying to break you down with every word he said. Every sentence that left his mouth had your knees buckling and your body threatening to fall to the floor. There was no need to be so harsh, but it looked like he was getting a kick out of doing it. He enjoyed breaking you down, knowing that he was above you, knowing that he could hurt you this badly. You didn’t even know what you had done wrong. The truth is that you hadn’t done anything wrong at all. You had been loyal, you’d sit at home and wait for him to call you, to text you, to show you that you were worth his time, and all you’d get were nights falling asleep curled up on your couch with a tear soaked pillow beneath your head. He had let you down and he had had fun with it, he knew that he was allowed to do it because you were naive and you had actually believed he loved you.

You watched with blurry eyes as he walked out of your front door, not even taking with him the few items of clothing he had left over at your place. He was the first boyfriend that you had actually loved wholeheartedly, the first boyfriend that you truly wanted to spend your life with, that you could see yourself spending your life with. He was the first, and he was the last boy that you’d ever let your guard down around. He had slowly but surely gained your trust, broken down the walls that you had built up around yourself, you had let him in, and you would never make that mistake again.

“Still working at the grocery store?” The voice that rang out from in front of you had your back straightening and the hairs on the back of your neck standing on edge. You knew that voice and you hated that condescending tone that he used with you. “God, I truly am lucky that I got rid of you when I did. You’d have been a liability.” He scoffed loudly, and you didn’t need to look at him to know exactly what face he was making as his eyes bored into you. He would always look down on you, no matter what you did, no matter where you worked, in his eyes, you were less than him. That’s the way that he looked at you and the rest of the world and that would never change.

“Mmmhm…” You hummed, trying not to show him or anyone else that was standing behind him just how much of an effect he was having on you. You wouldn’t let the rest of the world see just how broken he had made you. You were strong, and you hadn’t spent months building back up your walls just to have him waltz into the store and smash them all down again. “Are you paying with cash or credit?” You asked, finally looking up at him and forcing a smile after ringing him up, wanting to throw up when you saw the cocky smile on his face as he pulled his wallet out of his pocket.

“Obviously credit. It’s a black card, only the best.” He continued to boost his own ego, and you were happy to see that the people standing behind him in the line were getting just as fed up as you were with not only his act, but his entire personality as well. “Just bought me and my girlfriend tickets on a luxury cruise with this one. I’m sure you’ll see the photos on my Instagram. Be sure to like them when you do.”

One of the customers behind your ex cleared his throat, gaining the attention of you and your ex although you both had different reactions to the sudden interruption. You were thankful for it, glad that someone had finally put an end to his seemingly endless ramblings, but your ex was irritated having not been able to finish his uninteresting story. “Can you please go and tell your story of your future debt somewhere else? I’d like to get home with my groceries at some point.” The man said, rolling his eyes when your ex sneered at him, yanking the bags off the end of the counter and throwing them in his cart before storming off.

“I’m sorry about that…” You began, not even having enough time to compose yourself before the man had walked up and stood in front of you, his wallet and his card already in his hand as he waited for you to ring everything up. “You know… exes and all that. They just want to show off what they’ve got… I apologize for the hold up.” You continued to apologize, not even meeting the man’s eyes as you continued scanning everything, trying not to show him how bothered you really were.

The man chuckled lightly, grabbing every bag as you placed them out. “Hey, I don’t think you should be apologizing for that jerk.” He said, and as you glanced up at the man through your eyelashes you could see him shaking his head. “It takes a real asshole to come into someone's job and make them feel like shit. Almost seems like he did it on purpose too.” As much as you loved to hear the man's take on the issues at hand in your personal life, you also didn’t want anyone else to hear about what you were going through. The last thing you needed was to get every other customer's sympathy for just how shitty your ex boyfriend really is.

A soft hum escaped you as you finished ringing the man up, handing him his last bag and telling him his total. He looked at you a little longer than usual, a little longer than you were used to a customer looking at you as he pushed his card into the machine. There was something in his eyes that you couldn’t put your finger on, a look that you hadn’t seen before, at least you didn’t think you had. “Thank you for shopping with us, have a great day.” You murmured, keeping your eyes from meeting his own as you waited for him to retrieve his card and continue out of the aisle.

“I’ll see you around.” He said, and the small half smile that graced his features had your heart skipping a beat. There was something about him that had you unable to stop staring as he pushed his cart away, your eyes following him until he disappeared out of sight and the next customer cleared their throat to catch your attention.

“And what makes you think you’re so special?” The words repeated in your head as you laid in your bed, staring up at the ceiling as tears stung at your eyes. Five months and the words still killed you, still slipped into your mind when there was nothing else to think of. No matter how much you tried to forget, how much you wanted to forget every awful thing he had said about you, said to you, you just couldn’t forget it.

What made it worse was that the man at the store, the man who’s name you didn’t know at all, his face was ingrained in your mind, his mouth moving but the only words you could hear were the words of your ex boyfriend before he had left you. There was no reason for you to be thinking of the man though, it’s not like anything would happen, and to be honest, you didn’t want anything to happen. You were terrified to let yourself fall in love again, terrified of what could happen. You didn’t want to feel that pain again, you didn’t want to go through what your ex had put you through ever again. Love was scary, and getting your heart broken was something that you promised you’d never put yourself through again. You wouldn’t break that promise, you wouldn’t let anyone in.

The wall that you had built up around yourself, around your heart, was a fortress that was impenetrable by anyone. You didn’t want anyone to break it down or even attempt to, you were fine by yourself, you enjoyed the solitude, you enjoyed knowing that you didn’t have to worry about being hurt because there was no one around to hurt you anyway. It’s not that you were one hundred percent alone though, you had friends, friends that were starting to settle down with their own significant other, friends who were just getting into relationships, and you’d happily watch from the sidelines as they fulfilled their dreams and got what they wanted out of life. What use would it be to be miserable or jealous of them anyway? It’s not like it was their fault that your ex boyfriend sucked so much. You were happy for them, and why shouldn’t you be? They were living out the life that you thought you’d have with your ex, the life that you had wanted but decided to give up on. At least you got to experience their happiness, and at the end of the day you’d get to go home and have an entire bed, an entire apartment to yourself. There was no other person that you needed to worry about, you could focus solely on yourself, and that was good enough for you.

That was what you told yourself during the day, and it usually worked to get you through your job and all the other motions of daily life. There was nothing wrong with being alone, there was nothing wrong with enjoying the solitude that came along with it. You told yourself that over and over, as you watched couples walk along beside you on the sidewalks or in the malls, you told yourself that when you’d walk past jewelry stores where the display case housed the diamond rings that would never be put on your finger. It was a mantra that had begun to be repeated to yourself as you walked past wedding boutiques with flowy dresses that you’d never get to wear as you walked down an aisle towards the man that you’d spend the rest of your life with. You said it to yourself repeatedly, but as the sun set behind the horizon line and you walked back into your apartment and fell into your bed, that’s when you finally let it sink in just how lonely you really were.

The only dishes that were in the sink after dinner were your own, the chair on the other side of your dining room table was beginning to collect dust from not being moved for so long. The couch in your living room was only ever warm on one cushion where you sat, the other side was untouched, the throw pillows still perfectly placed where you had situated them weeks ago. Your closet was only half full, the other side of it barren and empty, just like the other side of your bed when you’d fall asleep at night. You could stand being alone when there were other things to occupy your mind, but it was almost unbearable once you had finally found yourself in the solitude that you told yourself you could stand.

It’s not like you weren’t used to it, your ex had never actually stayed with you, his clothes had never filled that empty spot in your closet and his warmth never lingered on your bed longer than an hour after he had had his fun for the night. It wasn’t just the loneliness in your apartment that had begun to eat away at you, it was the loneliness in your life completely that was getting to you. There was nothing to look forward to, no company that would visit your apartment and at least fill the void for a couple hours. All of your friends had their own lives to attend to and the last thing you wanted to do was feel like a burden to them by asking them to come over. It had only been five months, it must just be taking a little longer for you to adjust to the feeling, at least, that’s what you were telling yourself, that’s what you’d keep telling yourself. The loneliness wasn’t as bad as the heartbreak, the solitude would never be as painful as having your heart feel like it had been ripped from your chest and stomped on, and being perpetually single would never be as embarrassing as your boyfriend cheating on you and making a fool out of you in front of all of your customers.

“Not at the cash register today?” The voice behind you was so familiar yet so strange at the same time, you knew exactly who it was when you heard it. You never thought that you’d see him again, you thought that when he had said that he’d see you around it was just his way of saying goodbye, that he just said to everyone. Maybe he did say it to everyone though? Maybe it was just a coincidence that you saw him again when you were working. It’s not like your store didn’t have regulars that came in almost everyday, it wouldn’t be far-fetched for him to be that kind of customer. “That means I get to talk to you a little longer, right?” You weren’t sure if the guy was joking or not, but judging by the fact that he hadn’t moved from beside you, you were pretty sure he was being serious.

You tried not to focus on him, you were really trying to get your job done and finish stocking the shelves, but his presence was so strong you couldn’t ignore it even with how much you tried. “I’m stocking today…” You mumbled, completely forgetting that you were supposed to be polite to the customers, even if they were hovering beside you and making you feel extremely awkward. “I’m sorry, I just really want to get my work done.” You said, hoping that he’d understand, or at least not be upset with you for the way you were talking to him. You didn’t even want to look at him, knowing that if you did it would only make the image of his face more prominent in your mind and you’d surely continue to have those crazy daydreams about him. You didn’t need to be thinking of any other men, the only person you needed to focus on was yourself, but he was making it extremely hard for you to do that.

“Alright, alright. I get it, you’re busy.” He chuckled lightly, and you couldn’t help but glance over at him out of the corner of your eye, for some reason interested in what his face looks like when he smiles, although you knew that something like that shouldn’t be so important to you. “But here…” A small piece of paper was slipped into your line of view, a name and a phone number written neatly across it, and you could only assume that it was his own credentials. “Whenever you’re not busy, if you want to talk or hang out… That’s me.”

You continued stocking, waiting for his footsteps to retreat before grabbing the little piece of paper and shoving it into your back pocket. You weren’t sure what you were going to do with the new information you had, but you knew that it wouldn’t be wise to let yourself fall for something like this. You would let yourself get through the day and then you’d go home and toss the paper into the trash can, that was the only thing you could do. Fortify your walls, don’t let anyone in.

“Oh!” His voice called out again, making you jump slightly, dropping the can of soup that you were just about to place on the top shelf. When you turned your head you could see that he was peeking around the shelf at the end of the aisle, a sheepish smile on his face as he looked at you. “And when you do text me… if you do… let me know that it’s you from the grocery store. You couldn’t imagine the amount of random texts I get. I think I got someone else’s old number. Alright, bye.”

He disappeared once more and you were left confused, staring after him and shaking your head as you tried to understand what was happening, but most of all, you were trying to understand him, his motive. What was the reason for this? Maybe your ex had set it up, maybe your ex had this guy doing all of this to make you feel better about yourself just so that you could be broken back down again. It wouldn’t be as fun to break you if you were already at rock bottom. You needed to be built up, given a false sense of safety and security, like you have a net beneath you just in case you do fall, and when you do, the net would be pulled out from underneath you and you’d fall to the concrete. Hurt again, you’d always get hurt, you couldn’t trust anyone.

“Are you ready for your break?” Your manager asked as you wheeled the cart back into the stockroom to get more items. “You’ve been working for almost six hours, your shift is almost over.” You shook your head, grabbing the items off the stock room shelves and placing them in the cart, ready to wheel them back out. “Y/N, seriously, you need to take your break. I know that things have been hard for you, but you’re overworking yourself.”

You rolled your eyes, placing the pack of soda into the cart before whipping your head around to face him. “I’m not overworking myself. It’s just stocking, I’m fine.” You sighed heavily, running your hands over your face. “And things haven’t been hard, I’m fine. I’m just a little stressed out is all.” You explained, your head falling back as you let out a quiet yawn.

Your manager groaned, tsking his tongue as he watched you, looked you over. “You’re not just stressed. Look, you’ve been working here long enough that I can see what’s wrong with you just by looking at you.” You grunted softly, not ready for the parental speech that he was most likely about to give you. “You’re tired, you’ve got bags under your eyes, it looks like you haven’t slept in weeks.” His fingers rubbed at his temples as if your seeming lack of awareness of your own problems was annoying to him. “I want you to take some time off.” You had already begun shaking your head fervently, not wanting to have more time to dwell on your own thoughts, but it didn’t seem like he was going to let up. “You know what, no. I don’t just want you to take time off, you are taking time off. I’m giving you a week. Spend some time with friends, go somewhere, take a vacation, or take a week long nap. Anything. Literally anything, just please, get better. Take your break, and then go home, okay?”

It didn’t seem like you actually had a choice, you couldn’t come in to work when you were supposed to be off and you knew he wouldn’t change his mind. For some reason he had taken up some kind of father vibe when it came to you and the other employees. You pursed your lips, mumbling out the tune of a thank you before walking out of the stockroom and straight to the front doors of the store. You weren’t sure what you were supposed to do and none of your manager's options sounded as enjoyable as he tried to make them seem. The only thing that seemed to be an option for you was laying in bed and home and going through what you usually save for nighttime, but now you’ll be going through it for seven straight days.

“Me and Junhee are going down to the beach for a couple days, how about you come with us?” Biting your bottom lip, you stifled back the groan that threatened to escape you at the thought of being the third wheel on your friend and her husband's mini vacation. You were always the third wheel, even when you were dating, your boyfriend was never around enough to go out on the double dates that your friends always invited you on. The third wheel is just something you’re bound to be. “Come oooon Y/N. You can’t just sit inside and sulk around for the rest of your life. What about that guy at the store you told me about? If you don’t want to hang out with me, you should at least hit him up.”

You scoffed loudly, letting your head fall back against the couch cushion. “Absolutely not. I shouldn’t have even told you about that. I wouldn’t have told you if I knew you’d say something like that.” You made a fake gagging noise just to emphasize just how much you didn’t want to contact the guy. It wasn’t like he was gross or anything, it was quite the opposite, you were just… scared. “I’ll be fine in my home. I’ve got a lot of cleaning and stuff to catch up on. I can finally do my laundry and get it all done. Maybe watch a few shows that I’ve been holding off on.”

She sighed loudly, the sound of it rattling the speakers in your phone. “Boooring! Come on, Y/N! I know that you don’t want to be alone forever. Plus, it’s not like you’re actually hooking up with him. You can at least have him as a friend or something. I don’t want you to spend the rest of your life secluded in your apartment. Next thing you’ll be buying a bunch of cats and telling me that they’re all you need.”

Your lips pulled into a thin line as you glanced at the tv and saw a cat on the screen, and even though you hadn’t told her anything about your now scratched plan to get a cat to keep you company, she had already called you out on it. “I wasn’t even going to do that.” You lied, but her laughter let you know that she already knew you were lying. “Anyway, what’s the use of having a new friend? I already have you and the other girls.”

Her end of the line grew quiet, and you were sure that you already knew what she was going to say. “I see how sad you look when you’re with us. You always look down at our rings or when we’re on the phone with our husbands or boyfriends you look absolutely miserable. I think you just need… a friend that’s more like you.”

You hummed quietly, holding in the anger that her words had stirred up in you. “Thanks. I’ll be sure to let you know how that goes.” You said sharply, already pulling your phone away from your ear, ready to end the call.

“Wait. Y/N you know that’s not what I meant.” She stammered out, but you were already done, not wanting to hear anything else. Things were already hard enough, you had lost your boyfriend, and now your friends were making it feel like you were a burden to even have around. “I just want you to be happy.” She whispered, and even though she couldn’t see it, you were shaking your head, already tired with the call and just wanting to go to sleep.

“You don’t have to worry about my happiness, I’ll be just fine.” You snapped, pulling the phone away before she could continue and ending the call, tossing the phone onto the other end of the couch and falling over to your side, silent tears dripping out of your eyes and you slowly fell asleep with the sound of a random soap opera playing as background noise.

Three days into your week off and you were cleaning for the umpteenth time that day, trying to find anything to do to keep your mind busy. You moved into your bedroom, ready to make the bed and dust off your nightstand when you saw the tiny piece of paper sitting there on the edge. You quickly picked up the paper, staring at it as if it would tell you what to do, as if you’d find the answer just from looking at it because you truly didn’t know what the hell you wanted to do.

Seoho… you said his name quietly, your hands shaking slightly as you continued to stare at the paper. “What’s the worst that could happen?” You mumbled to yourself, pulling your phone out of your back pocket and swiping over to your contacts, entering the name and the phone number in. “Just a friend… a friend like me…” You continued to talk to yourself, as if you were giving yourself a TED talk on why texting this guy was anything other than a horrible idea. “There’s nothing wrong with having a friend.” You reassured yourself, saving the information and going to your messages, starting up a new message, your thumbs hovering over the keyboard as you thought of how to start up the message.

A simple hello, letting him know who you were, that would work, right? “Hi… it’s Y/N from the store… Hey.” You quickly sent it before you could backtrack and get out of actually sending it, throwing your phone onto your bed and walking out of the room before he probably even saw the message. There was a strange feeling in your stomach, one that it seemed like you hadn’t felt in ages. You hated it, you loathed it because you knew exactly when and why you had gotten that feeling the first time and it was something that you never wanted to feel again. You knew that that feeling itself was the start of something that could and would most likely end up horribly for yourself. Texting him was already beginning to feel like the biggest mistake, but it wasn’t like you could delete the message, and you were sure that he most likely had already seen it. The only thing you could do was ignore him if he did write back, although that would seem even more rude than having just not texted him to begin with. You were at a fork in the road, everything seemed more difficult now, everything was like an obstacle course and for some reason you had decided to jump into it not knowing what was at the end.

Cleaning, you continued to do it until you had literally nothing else to clean. Your countertops were sparkling from how much you had wiped them down, your bathroom was spotless, you had even waxed your floors because you couldn’t find anything else to do. All of it was done in an attempt to avoid having to look at your phone, trying to avoid even looking at it, but now it was all you could think about now that there was nothing to occupy your thoughts. “Do you really think I’d settle for less than perfect?” The words replayed in your head as you began walking back to your bedroom, just another reminder of how things could go if you accidentally started something foolish.

No. Those words were irrelevant in this scenario. There was nothing more to the text than a friendly hello, and there would never be anything more to it than that. There was no reason for you to be thinking about what your ex had said. He was irrelevant, and nothing that he said to you before he had left would ever apply to what could potentially go on between you and Seoho. Friends. That’s all you were, that’s all you were trying to be. You just needed a friend… “A friend like you.” You weren’t really sure if he would be like you, and if he was, well… You felt just as bad for him as you did for yourself. There was no harm in wanting a friend though, and that’s what pushed you forward, through your bedroom door and over to your bed where your phone had been left to lay.

You weren’t sure if he replied yet, you weren’t even sure if he would reply. Hell, maybe he had been waiting for you to text him the first day he gave you his number, maybe by now he had already forgotten you. It’s not like you were very memorable, at least not to most people. What were you other than a simple grocery store employee, there were millions of people like you in the world, there was nothing special about you at all. “There you are! I thought maybe my number got lost in your laundry or something. I haven’t seen you at the store though… Is everything alright?” The text notification almost took up your entire screen, something that you weren’t expecting, but the biggest shock was the fact that he had noticed you were absent. Did he go into the store just to look for you? You weren’t sure if that made you flustered or uneasy… Maybe just a little bit of both, but he had been waiting for you to text him, he had wanted you to text him… It was something that you weren’t used to with anyone, not even your own friends. Someone wanted you around, someone actually wanted to talk to you.

“Oh uh… No, I’ve just been busy the past couple days. I have a whole week off so I’ve been trying to get things done.” You quickly wrote back, your entire body tense as you watched your message almost immediately go from delivered to read. It was like he was sitting on top of his phone waiting for you to respond, just another thing that made you experience that mixture of flusteredness and uneasiness. What was it about you that had him so intrigued? You didn’t get it. Why would he wait for you to text him? Surely there were other people in his life that he could talk to or hang out with, right? Someone as… as much as you hate to admit it to yourself… attractive as he is, couldn't possibly be lonely in the relationship department.

The little text bubble popped up on the left side of your screen, and as you sat down on your bed you couldn’t relax, you couldn’t seem to relieve the tension in your body that had you sitting up as straight as a statue, your eyes glued to the screen as you waited for his response. It had been so long since you had a casual conversation with someone, a conversation where you weren’t being belittled or outcasted for your singleness or your lack of specialty. “A whole week off?! Damn. It’s been so long since I’ve had one of those, but that explains why you haven’t been at the store. So what are you doing? I hope you’re making the most of it. Oh! Maybe you can slip me into your tight schedule, we can hang out or something lol” You stared at the message as if it were written in a language that you couldn’t understand. You stared and stared, and then you waited, waited for the next message to come in that said that he was joking with you, but the message never came. He wanted to hang out with you?

You tossed your phone on the end of your bed, a soft squeal escaping you as your face contorted into one of disgust. You weren’t actually disgusted with him though, no… You were just terrified of the endless possibilities, the endless awful outcomes that something like that could bring along with it. It had been so long since you had hung out with someone, hung out with a guy alone, and the thought alone had you feeling nauseous. This had to have been a set up by your ex, it just had to be. You didn’t even know this guy and he was asking you to hang out already? None of it made sense, you just wanted to delete his contact, block him completely, move on from it and most likely quit your job and find another grocery store to work in where he wouldn’t be able to find you.

“Too soon? Yeah… I’m sorry. We don’t have to hang out so soon, that’s on me.” The vibration of your phone from the message had you jumping slightly, quickly grabbing your phone to read the new message. You weren’t sure whether to feel relieved that he had sent the follow up message or if maybe it was a tactic to try to maybe guilt you into hanging out with him anyway. You were reading into everything and it made you feel more nervous than usual. “We should talk more though… if you want.”

He was trying so hard, ignoring him would be extremely rude on your half, and while you didn’t really know why he was trying as hard as he was, you weren’t going to leave him hanging. The last thing you needed was for someone to think you were the type of person to just send messages and then ghost them the second they wrote back. With a heavy sigh, you tapped your fingers along the keyboard. “I’m sorry, I’m just not used to talking to someone… or hanging out with someone after… well, that’s not important. We can talk more, it’s alright. I’m just nervous I guess.” You hit the send button and fell back against your pillows, letting out a loud groan as you thought about just how pathetic your text probably made you sound.

Within seconds your phone vibrated in your hand, another message showing up in your notifications from him. “No, I get it. I’m not used to talking to people either. I’ve gone through a bad breakup myself, I know how hard it is to move on and trust people again. Your ex sounded like a major douche too, so I’m sure that doesn’t help much.” You let out a small giggle as you read over his text, it was the first time you had laughed at anything and the sound coming from your own mouth sounded foreign to you. For the first time in what felt like forever you could have a normal conversation, it was strange, but it was… in a sense… relaxing.

“You don’t know the half of it…” You sent the first half of the message before you had even thought of what to add on. A part of you wanted to actually hang out with him, have a normal conversation in person, maybe over a cup of coffee, as friends… But another part of you was screaming at you, telling you that something like that would be an awful idea, but the first part of you was stronger. You needed that kind of interaction, you needed to have some kind of normalcy, it was the only way you’d be able to get over your ex completely, at least that’s what your friends had told you. “Maybe we can talk about it over coffee or something?” You had practically typed out the message with your eyes shut, sending the message before the more nervous half of you could back out of it. There was nothing wrong with getting coffee, there was nothing wrong with wanting a friend.

The first time you had hung out with him it was perfect. The second time played out the same way. The third and the fourth followed, and soon it became customary for the two of you to at least hang out once a week just to catch up on everything that you could have somehow possibly missed when you weren’t texting each other. He still visited you at the store, and now that he was more comfortable with you, he would jokingly whisper to you through the aisles when you were stocking, and when you were on the cash register he would go through an entire line with a pack of gum just to talk to you while you rang him up. You found it hilarious, but the other customers found it to be a pain in the ass and a waste of their time.

No matter how much you both hung out though, you knew that the promise of friendship was your safety net, you could never get hurt again if all you and Seoho were was friends. It didn’t mean that you weren’t beginning to form a small crush on him, something that you obviously kept to yourself, but he didn’t need to know how you were feeling, and it didn’t seem like he was upset with just being friends.

You both had been through a tough breakup that had you both scared to go looking for love again, but by some miracle, you had both decided that it was time to go out and start at least looking for friends around the same time. He’d sometimes compliment you, not the way other guys would that usually had your skin crawling and your feet begging you to walk away. It was the kind of compliments that made you feel good about yourself, the kind of compliments that had you thanking yourself for actually contacting him because those small compliments gave you the slightest little ego boost that would help you get through the week, to help you push back that recorded loop of everything your ex had said.

The two of you would go to the movies, you’d go to the amusement park, sometimes you’d just take small walks around the local parks. To the two of you they were just friend dates, nothing more than that, just two friends hanging out and having a good time together. Other people that walked by would sometimes tell you how cute you were together, even your friends would tell you that the two of you would make a cute couple, but you’d always shut down the recommendation. There was no need for you to get into a relationship with him, your friendship was running smoothly, and the last thing you wanted to do was ruin what you and Seoho had.

“So, I’m not gonna be able to hang out next month. I’ve got this work thing going on and it’s really important and I really have to be there.” He said over his tiny bowl of ice cream. You hummed quietly around the spoon full that you had scooped into your mouth, the realization suddenly dawning on you that he had never actually told you what he did for a living. “I’ll call you though, and I’ll text you. I still want to know how things are going, and if your ex comes and messes with you, let me know and I’ll come right back to kick his ass.”

You scoffed lightly, shaking your head as you slipped your spoon back into your own bowl. “I’m sure I’ll be fine… but uhm… you’ll be gone a whole month? What are you? Some kind of secret spy or something on a big mission? What do you do?” You joked, your eyes trained on him as his bottom lip slipped in between his teeth, the look of nervousness in his eyes had you tilting your head in confusion. “Oh come on, you can tell me. You know where I work, it’s only fair.” Your eyes widened slightly, silently begging him to let you in on what seemed to be a massive secret of his. You had been friends for almost three months, you couldn’t see why his job would be something that had him reacting the way he was.

“It’s not that important. I don’t like telling people where I work, it freaks them out.” He said, sighing softly as he absentmindedly began stirring the ice cream in his bowl, turning it into a milkshake. “I’m not a spy though, that’s crazy, we need to stop seeing all those action movies when we go to the theaters.” There was a difference in the sound of his laughter, a tension that lingered in it that you couldn’t quite understand, but you were so focused on what he had said about his job freaking people out that you couldn’t even bring yourself to laugh along with him.

Without even thinking about it you pulled your phone out, swiping to the internet and typing out his name in the search bar, occasionally glancing over the top of your phone to watch his face. He didn’t stop you, but you could see the look of what could only be described as fear, or maybe disappointment in his eyes, although you weren’t sure if he was disappointed in you or himself. “Oneus…? You’re a K-Pop singer… unless this person has the same name and face as you…” You said, not even looking at him as you turned your phone in his direction, letting him take a glance at what he’s probably already seen a hundred times. “I don’t know why people would be freaked out by that… But I don’t know why you wouldn’t just tell me about it either.” You weren’t sure how you felt about him keeping something like that a secret. Was he doing it to protect you or was he doing it to protect himself? It didn’t make sense.

“The last girl that I was with… she found out and it freaked her out. She didn’t want to be with someone who was famous and she left… I kept it from her because I didn’t want someone to be with me just because I’m famous, I want people to like me for me, not what I am. I didn’t want you to be freaked out… I didn’t want you to leave.” He explained, his head hung low, his eyes barely meeting yours through his eyelashes as he gave his reasoning. You pursed your lips, your mind reading over the words that he said over and over, and the more you read into them, the more it seemed like he was speaking as if the two of you were dating, or at least about to date.

You shook your head, slowly pushing back from the table, your eyes narrowed at him. “Seoho… we’re friends, that’s all. You don’t need to worry about me leaving or using you for your money or what you can bring to the table because all we are is friends.” Now his head was tilted in confusion, his eyes boring into your own as if he couldn’t understand what you were saying. Had you somehow given him the wrong idea? You were sure that you had told him that you weren’t ready to date anyone, that you weren’t even trying to get into a relationship after everything that happened before. You were enjoying the friendship that you had with him and you thought that the feeling was mutual. You wouldn’t have let things go on so long if you had known he was under a different assumption.

“Wait… Wait wait wait.” He groaned with what sounded like annoyance, his eyes squeezing shut before opening wide to stare at you. “So you’re not freaking out over my job… You’re freaking out because I’m starting to get feelings? What did you expect? We go on dates at least once a month, I thought that… I thought that maybe you started to feel something too…” He sighed loudly, pushing back his own chair and standing up. “I’m sure that you didn’t mean to accidentally string me along, to accidentally make me feel like there would ever be something more here. I don’t really know what to do now… maybe the month I’ll be gone is good for the both of us. I think we both need time to think.” Without another word he turned on his heel and walked away, leaving you slack jawed and wide eyed watching after him.

“Seo…ho….” You whispered out his name as he walked out the door, the little bell above him ringing out to alert everyone to his exit, but to you the bell rang louder in your ears. It was almost deafening, the sound of his departure, the silence that came with his absence. There was nothing to you and Seoho, there was no love there, at least you didn’t think there was, but the pain that you felt without him here, the pain you felt when you watched him walk away, it was worse than what you had felt when your ex had left and you didn’t know what you were going to do.

“Seoho, please… I need to talk to you. I know you’re busy but if you do get a chance… please…” It was the fifth text in a row you had sent that day, following after the multitude of texts you had sent the days before. He hadn’t texted you back, he hadn’t called you, he wasn’t even reading your messages. You were beginning to think that he had just blocked your number completely and that thought was slowly chipping away at your heart. What you hadn’t noticed before was that your heart had been fully mended, put back together and healed, as if what you had gone through with your ex hadn’t ever happened. Seoho had made you better, he had put your heart back together, and now you were alone again.

Work wasn’t the same without him coming in and talking to you, and even though he was on tour for a month, you knew that if everything hadn’t gone down the last time you saw him, he’d at least be texting you while you were working or video calling you to see how you were doing. You weren’t sure why it had taken you so long to realize how he felt, you weren’t sure why you had taken so long to realize how you felt, but now that he was gone, it finally sunk in how much you liked him, how much you enjoyed his company. You loved him, and while that kind of thought would have terrified you at the beginning, now it just made you sad because you knew that if you would have just let yourself accept the feelings that you were holding back that things would be different now.

A month. A whole month without seeing him, a whole month without talking to him, and it was the worst month you’ve ever had in your life. It was worse than the month after your ex boyfriend had left, it was worse than even the week that your ex had walked out. It was so bad that even your manager had caught on almost immediately, pulling you aside to talk to you and ask how everything was going, but you were so worried that you’d be given another whole week off, a week to dwell in your own emotions, that you tried to play it off that you were just tired. He knew better though, but this time he let it go, not wanting to push you even further. Work wasn’t your place where you could ignore your problems anymore, now work was just another reminder that you had lost him because you were so scared of being hurt that you ended up hurting yourself in the end.

He was supposed to be back by now, you were sure that he was back, not only because it had been an entire month, but also because you had been following his tour, watching snippets of the concerts that had been streamed or uploaded. You loved watching him perform, and the more you watched him, the more you realized that you loved everything about him. You hadn’t texted him for an entire week, and you had been under the assumption that not texting him would maybe make him want to text you, but instead of getting a text or anything from him all you got was radio silence. “Hey” Was all you sent this time, not knowing what else to say, only hoping that you’d get a response this time, that maybe some sort of luck was with you.

Seconds turned to minutes, and after thirty minutes you had set your phone down and started straightening up your house, trying to do something on your day off instead of just sulking in your bedroom like you had been doing the last twenty-some days. The silence that filled your apartment was enough to where you would be able to hear a pin drop if one had, but instead, you were able to hear the vibration of your phone on your nightstand in your bedroom, the sound had you sprinting across your apartment floors and pushing open your door to grab your phone. The way your heart was racing, the smile that had already formed on your lips at the mere thought that Seoho had been the one to text you back, the smile that immediately fell when you saw the unknown number on your screen and the beginning of the message that had been sent.

“Look, I don’t know who you are, but you’ve been blowing up my boyfriend's phone the entire time he’s been with me and now that he’s finally home from his tour, I think he needs a break, so do you think you can just tone it down a little bit or just… not text him at all? Thanks.” The text was like a sucker punch and you didn’t know what to say, you didn’t know what to think. He said that the two of you needed the month to think about things, and while he hadn’t really talked to you at all while he was gone, you didn’t think that he would actually start dating someone else. Of course, you didn’t really have much of a say in what he did or what relationship he got into considering you had blown him off and according to him, you had led him on even though that’s not the way you thought of it. Even if you had no right to be mad at him for finding someone who actually made him happy, someone that wanted to be with him, that didn’t mean that you didn’t have the right to be upset about it. You had missed your chance, the opportunity to be happy with him, to be loved by him, and now someone else had it. It wasn’t their fault and it wasn’t his fault, it was your own fear, your own pessimistic thoughts towards relationships that had you feeling that way you do right now.

Swallowing thickly, you began composing your response, the tears already stinging your eyes as you did, your vision becoming blurry, and you could only hope that there weren’t any typos or autocorrects in your message that you wouldn’t be able to see through your teardrops. “I’m sorry… I didn’t think that he had a girlfriend… I hope you two are happy… I’m sorry. Goodbye.” You sent the message immediately, tossing your phone to the end of your bed and letting yourself fall over onto your mattress, pulling the blankets around yourself and letting out your sobs into your pillow that you gripped onto tightly. You wanted him to be happy, he deserved to be happy, you just wished that he could be happy with you, and now when you thought about it, you could only feel like a fool. He had wanted to be happy with you, he wanted to be with you, and now he was with someone else because you thought that every guy would end up like your ex. It was your mistake and now you were paying for it.

A couple days had passed since you had received the message and the pain was slowly but surely subsiding as you went back to work and found other things to occupy your mind. Sure, it still hurt to think about how nice it would be to have him there to goof off with, and you’d get choked up thinking about all the things that you could have been doing with him as a couple, but now some other girl was doing those things with him. There was another girl that was enjoying the time with Seoho that you seemed to willingly give up, and that was time with him that you knew you’d never get back. You tried not to think about it too much though, there was no use in upsetting yourself more than you already were and the last thing you wanted to do was cry at work.

“Hey, how’s work been going?” The voice behind you was one that you had come to know well, a voice that would wake you from a deep sleep if you heard it call for you, a voice that you’d be able to make out in a crowd of chattering people. It was his voice, and it had you turning around to face him immediately. He wasn’t smiling the way he usually did when he saw you but you weren’t smiling either. The reunion seemed far too bittersweet, and instead of being happy to see him, you were waiting for his girlfriend to come around the back of one of the aisles and take her place by his side.

You shrugged lightly, placing the rest of the soup cans on the shelf before pulling your cart down a little more, highly aware of the fact that he moved along with you. “It’s been going…” You mumbled, trying to keep your responses as short as possible so that he wouldn’t hear how upset you were. “How was the tour?” You didn’t want to end the conversation so soon, you knew that being able to talk to him like this wouldn’t be as common as it used to be, and you missed his company, you missed talking to him, but you could feel the difference in the conversation, the tension between the two of you.

“It was good…” He answered, his eyes darting around you, looking everywhere but in your eyes, his hands fumbling in the pockets of the sweatpants he was wearing. He looked so nervous, so awkward, and you knew exactly what that feeling was because you were feeling it yourself. Both of your lips pursed together as you awkwardly looked around each other, his hand pulling from his pocket to sheepishly scratch at the back of his neck.

You nervously chewed on your bottom lip before letting it slip out from between your teeth, seeing a girl turn the corner of the aisle and start walking towards where you and Seoho were standing. You cleared your throat, nodding your head to him and putting on a fake smile. “That’s good. It was nice talking to you, it looks like your girlfriend is coming though and I don’t want to keep her waiting for you.” You didn’t mean to sound so snappy when you said it, but the words just seemed to come out that way, your annoyance with yourself and the pang of jealousy that you felt creating a whirlwind of emotions that you had never felt so strongly before.

“My… Oh!” He chuckled softly, and you both watched as the girl that you assumed was the girlfriend walked right by the both of you without a second look. “It was Xion, he saw that I was getting upset every time you texted me and… He said that he was going to handle it. I didn’t know what he said, I probably should have asked him about it.” You couldn’t help but stare at him, all the annoyance that you felt with yourself shifted into annoyance with him, but there was that slight feeling of relief knowing that there wasn’t actually another girl in his life, that you still possibly had a chance. There was still one thing that you had to handle though.

“Hold up.” You held up your finger, your eyebrows arched as you eyed him accusingly. “You gave my phone number to what I can only assume is one of your band mates… without my permission… and they texted me and told me that they were your girlfriend just so that you wouldn’t be upset?” You summarized what he had said into not so many words, and all he could do was nod in agreement, his sheepish smile showing that he knew just how silly it was, but that wasn’t even your biggest issue. “You could have just texted me yourself… We left on bad terms, I just wanted to know that you were okay, I didn’t need anything more than that. Do you know how… Ugh!” The smug smile that spread across his face had your blood boiling, but it also showed that he was relaxing enough to the point that he felt like he could tease you, and that’s exactly what he did.

“Oh, don’t tell me… Once you thought I had a girlfriend, that’s when you realized you actually liked me, huh?” His arms crossed over his chest as he looked at you, reading your face like an open book, but you quickly denied it, sticking your tongue out at him as you shook your head. “You can’t lie to me, your face is like a picture book, I can see it all there in your eyes.”

Your eyes, that you rolled at him in response before looking down into the shopping cart that was still filled with items that needed to be put onto the shelves. “On the contrary, it wasn’t the potential girlfriend that made me realize that I loved you.” The four letter word had his teasing coming to a halt, his eyes wide and his mouth hanging open as he looked at you, waiting for you to continue. “I realized it when you weren’t around anymore. I missed you so much, and I missed our conversations and I missed our dates…” You fumbled around in the shopping cart, trying to find something to catch your eye so you didn’t have to look back up at him, nervous about what you’d see when you did. Would he be happy to hear it, or would he be more annoyed that it took this long? “But thinking that you did have a girlfriend… that just made me upset. I wanted to be that person for you… and when I got that text I realized that I was too late, that I had made a mistake.” You sighed softly, grabbing the next can and lifting it out of the cart, but before you could place it on the shelf, his own hand had caught yours, bringing it up to his lips and kissing the back of it before pulling you closer to him.

“It was hard as hell not talking to you. Don’t think for a second that I didn’t miss you just as much.” He whispered, his lips brushing against the top of your head as he said it. “I wanted to message you, I wanted to talk to you and see how you were doing, but I also wanted to stick by my word…” His chest vibrated with silent laughter, something that you weren’t expecting in the moment that the two of you were sharing. You pulled back just enough to look at him, your eyes narrowed questioningly and your head tilted. “I guess I should tell Xion to delete your number from his phone, I don’t want him randomly texting you just in case we’re out too late.” He winked at you, but you could tell that he was joking, the playful seductiveness that he was trying to uphold didn’t last long before he burst out into a fit of laughter.

“Mmhm…” You hummed, but all you could think about was how nice it felt to be held in his arms, something that you had only dreamt about for the longest time. It was far better in real life than it was in your dreams, his chest warm and his arms tight around your waist to keep you close to him. “So does this mean that… I’m your girlfriend?” You asked sheepishly, your muscles tensing up as you waited for the answer. You knew exactly what you wanted to hear, but getting that lucky wasn’t something that happened to you often. You could only hope that luck was on your side today.

He scoffed quietly, his finger slipping under your chin and using it to bring you closer to him until your lips were pressed against his. “I think that’s exactly what this means…” He murmured against your lips, and when he pulled back there was a mischievous glint in his eyes. “And before you delete Xions number from your phone, how about you text him and tell him that you’re my girlfriend and you don’t want him texting me.” You playfully smacked his chest, pulling out of his arms and going back to working, not wanting to lose your job after just gaining your boyfriend. “Alright alright…” He chuckled wholeheartedly, letting out a loud sigh once his laughter had died down. “I’ll come see you after work, we can catch a movie.” You nodded in agreement, unable to wide the wide smile from your face as you watched him walk away, the smile staying glued to your lips even when he had disappeared around the corner. “Oh!” He shouted, his head peaking around the end of the aisle, a wide smile gracing his own face as he looked at you. “By the way, I love you too.”

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