#On the line between madness and sanity/that’s exactly where you’ll find me | musings

[string-cutters]

Tag Dump! (Characters + Verses)

[slightlyrebelliouswriter23]

We’re All Mad Here | Jurdan College AU

Summary: Ire is a thin blanket around us, an opaline veil that makes everything shimmer and sharpen with pristine clarity. I have never felt more alive as I do when I look at him, and feel nothing but hatred.

Rating: T

Content Warnings: Mild cursing. Minor mentions of anxiety, panic, murder.

Part I   |   Part II   |   AO3

Part III- Rival

He is hanging my shirt to dry on a shelf, high up where I can’t reach, weighting it down with two cans of coffee beans.

I stare at his back. The black fabric of his shirt pulls into ripples and waves as he moves. The sleeves are still rolled up past his elbows, exposing pale forearms and the creeping blue veins there.

In the front of the coffee shop, customers continue their prattling, spoons continue pinging against ceramic mugs. The espresso machine drones on. All of it sounds muffled from beyond the kitchen door.

In here, though, there is only the refrigerator’s low thrum and my raging heart loud in my ears.

Greenbriar. My mind reels. This man, my classmate—a Greenbriar progeny.

Namesakes of the city’s most prestigious university and beneficiaries of a mega-corporation called The Mab Group, the six children of Eldred Greenbriar are not quite heirs to all of Insmire, but they may as well be for how much power their name holds.

If the heir in front of me is in one of my mandatory lectures, he must also be in the same year as me. Which can only mean one thing.

I look up at him with renewed hatred.

He appraises me, taking up a casual stance leaning against the island countertop right across from where I sit. He crosses his arms and seems entirely unaffected by my serrated gaze. Which only makes me grit my teeth harder.

“You seem awfully quiet, Jude,” he says, voice made of velvet. “Have you pieced it together? Have you figured out who I am?”

I have to fight to keep my breath from going ragged, my hands from shaking. I grip the edge of the counter with a vengeance. It’s my only tether to sanity.

He brushes one knuckle across my whitened ones. They are nearly as white as his, now. “I’ll take that as a yes,” he says. The laugh that skitters from his lips is hushed and dry, like a centipede’s legs scraping as it scuttles through seared grass.

Out of every pompous prick in the Greenbriar line, the one who stands before me is by far the worst. And not just because he spilled coffee all over my only nice blouse—though that has certainly been added to the growing list of all the reasons why I hate him.

I have only ever seen his name on paper. A list tacked to a bulletin board outside the Politics and International Relations department. Three names, one from each year. His name instead of my own. For a year, that list has haunted me.

Cardan Greenbriar is known for his debauchery, not his intellect. He’s the kind of entitled that makes me want to paint the wall with his brains. And then my own. This, a kind approximation of his person, I’m sure.

Perhaps that’s why it hurt so much when he won Top Scholar last year. Perhaps that’s why I never learned his face—knowledge of it would only derail me from my goal.

“I have to say,” Cardan continues, “I’m disappointed it took you so long to deign to work it out.”

“Starved for attention, are we?” I hiss through my teeth.

Something I can’t quite decipher snaps across his face; but then it’s back to that cool veneer, and I wonder if I imagined it. One corner of his mouth tugs up.

“Figures,” I say, tearing my eyes away from his and towards the ceiling. Mostly to distract myself from that corner. “Your whole family seems to think the world revolves around them. I’m surprised you haven’t keeled over with the weight of my offence.”

“On the contrary. I find your not knowing me… refreshing.” He starts unrolling his shirt sleeves.

It is an exceedingly nice shirt for a day off. Come to think of it, all of his clothes are exceedingly nice. Gilded filigree triangles make the tips of his collar look dipped in gold. Between them, right where his top button should be, clings a black onyx brooch in the shape of a beetle.

I narrow my eyes. This is obviously a rouse of some sort. I think about how kind he acted before. His seemingly innocuous request to help get the stain out of my shirt. His sudden change in demeanour. There’s something missing, but I can’t figure out what. I don’t like it—this waiting for the other shoe to drop.

“What do you want with me?” I ask.

“The same thing you want with me, Jude,” he says, black tourmaline eyes unflinching. He buttons his cuffs. “I want to ruin you.”

I clench my jaw as his words soak in. My nostrils flare. My heartbeat is so wild in my chest I think I might die. Or be sick.  

I want to tell him the feeling is absolutely mutual. I want to breathe fire and be livid and berate him for the crime of his family’s existence. I want to tell him to go fuck himself. But I know what will get under his skin most.

“I want nothing to do with you,” I say, sticking out my chin, defiant.

Cardan’s mouth splits into a hideous smile that must usually be reserved for the pillow and languorous mornings in bed. Though, I suppose for him, such mornings probably lie within the same realm of pleasure as tormenting enemies in the kitchens of what is apparently his coffee shop.

“Fortunately,” he says, pushing off the counter, “You won’t have anything to do with me much longer. I have a meeting.” He holds out a hand. I blink at him. “Jacket please.”

“Like hell,” I seethe, clutching at the lapels.

“Fine.” He drops his hand. “An interview without a statement piece wasn’t exactly what I had in mind for today. Though, I suppose it shouldn’t matter.” He straightens his collar, his black beetle brooch. “Dain will hire me regardless.”

Something sinks in my stomach like a stone. Dain.

Dain Greenbriar. CEO of the Silhouette Gazette, taking time out of his very busy schedule to interview today, and only today, for one coveted position amongst his team of interns. Dain Greenbriar, his brother and my would-be boss had I not been so foolishly diverted.

But I have been a fool. One look at Cardan tells me this. The spill, the innocent act, the plea to help me. It was all a ruse. Strung up and sutured by none other than the youngest Greenbriar, himself—and I, a much too eager victim.

He’s smirking and my face heats. Something roils right under my skin, white-hot. Just waiting to be unleashed.

So I unleash it.

I lunge. Across the countertop. I am diving, scrabbling, reaching.

Right for the knife block. Metal sings as I rip one free. A sound almost as glorious as the way it feels to angle a blade right at Cardan’s throat.

He braces his hands on the countertop behind him but does not lift a finger to defend himself.

I only see red, and the way he regards me cooly. A smirk juts the cliffs of his cheekbones. The steel I hold to his skin reflects his face so that I see it twofold. Even my own weapon taunts me.

He looks down his nose at me, despite being held at the peril of my blade. I know then what it is to loathe with my entire being.

“That internship is mine,” I tell him, my breath a jagged thing in my lungs.

“Looks unlikely, sunshine,” he says, and I want to scream. “What with you missing your interview and all.”

“Because of you, you snivelling little coward.” I press the knife’s edge flush against his throat. His eyes shutter. It’s the only surrender I get to savour before I am fixed with his stare once more.

“Ouch,” he mocks. “Not nice words.” Though he is smirking, his gaze glitters dangerously, as if he might murder me outright. Even though I’m the one with the knife.

“You took Top Scholar from me last year,” my voice quakes. Bile rises in my throat at the admission of it—my one and only failure. Until today, at least.

“Took?” His brows rise high and arrogant on his forehead. “I think I won that title from you, fair and square. Upset that someone bested you for once?”

“Please,” I scoff, indignant. “You’re a nefarious moneybags prick. Your family probably paid someone off.”

His laugh is surprised and derisive at once. “Nefarious moneybags prick,” he muses, giving me a full grin. “Now that, I have not heard before. Kind of a mouthful, though. Got any nicknames?”

I only lean in closer, pressing the knife harder. One slip of my hand and— “Give me your interview slot.”

“I will do no such thing.”

“You’re quite confident for someone held at knifepoint,” I say through gritted teeth. “Give me your slot.”

“What are you going to do? Murder me about it?”

“You really want to test that theory?”

He considers me for a moment from under hooded lids. His eyelashes are stupidly long. It’s disgusting. “Even if you had the balls to do it, which I don’t doubt you do,” he says. “You wouldn’t. Wanna know why?”

“Why?” I say with ample venom.

“Because it would cost you everything,” he tells me. “How my father would froth at the mouth for the opportunity to put you in shackles.”

Ire is a thin blanket around us, an opaline veil that makes everything shimmer and sharpen with pristine clarity. I have never felt more alive as I do when I look at him, and feel nothing but hatred.

“It’ll be your word against mine,” I say, “And you’ll be dead.”

Cardan rolls his eyes. “Even if you had a valid excuse for murder, which you don’t,” he points out, “And even though my family does not give a rat’s festering ass about me, they would not hesitate for a moment to rip you apart in court. To see the Duarte name trampled down into the dirt where it belongs.”

I know what Cardan says is true. I would revel in dragging the Greenbriars down to the deepest trenches of hell, even if it took me with them. Just as surely as they would relish in my demise. It has always been this way. For as long as I can remember.

I am sure he reads this all on my face as I think it because his smile is a sharp gash of white.

“You may have held the title of Top Scholar once, but I bested you last year,” he says. My mind sieges against the notion. “And though I fully intend on doing so again this year, if you murder me for it, you won’t even be in the running for the title come tomorrow morning. No, the only title you will ever hold for the rest of your small, pathetic life will be Inmate.”

I almost concede a flinch. Small. Pathetic.

I know what he’s doing. He’s trying to get under my skin, and credit where credit’s due: It almost works. But my fickle temperament, his not knowing what I will do next; these are my only chances at gaining control again.

I cannot show my hand.

So as my instincts scream against it, I tilt my chin up to look at him. “And how are you so very sure, Greenbriar,” I spit, “That Inmate is not a worthy enough title for me?”

“Because, Jude,” he says my name like it is his favourite flavour of sin, and I despise the way my heart flies into my throat at the sound, “It’s not. I am observant, if nothing else. I happen to know that being locked behind bars is a far cry from what you crave most.”

“As if you’d be privy to what I crave,” I say, though my stomach turns itself in knots, my grip loosening on the knife. Because he’s right. He’s so very right, I am nauseous at the thought of it.

Cardan shrugs. “Believe me, or not. I have my ways of knowing,” he says. Then, with the newfound space I have given him, he leans down close to my ear. “I reckon, however, that I am far too insignificant a name on what is presumably a very extensive blacklist for you to be kept from your higher ambitions by murdering me on a whim of passion.”

He makes a lazy trail with his index finger from my left elbow up my arm. My cheeks blaze, but the skin still pebbles there. I hate him, I hate him, I hate him.

“There are so many more valuable prizes for you plunder,” he croons, breath fanning across my face. He leans back a bit to look me in the eye. “Aren’t there, dear Jude?”

It is the secret of myself unravelled before me. I cannot bear how vulnerable it makes me feel. I stagger back, breathless, and blink.

My knife is in his hand. How did it get there? How had he taken it without my noticing? He’s moving away from me now.

“As lovely as this little meeting has been,” Cardan says, sheathing the knife back in its stand, “I think I’ll be going now.”

He brushes himself off, grabs his to-go cup from the counter, and I’m standing there like an idiot with my mouth hanging open. He pauses in front of me before he goes. I’m not sure what it means when he frowns, but I hope he feels every poisoned dagger I sink into his skull.

Then, Cardan does the very last thing I expect.

Every inch of me goes still as he takes a strand of my hair between his fingers and tucks it carefully behind my ear.

“It really was quite the show,” he murmurs. As if we are lovers tangled in sumptuous silk sheets. Instead of what we really are.

Rivals. Luring each other into cages of our own making.

Just like that, he’s gone, and I am left alone with my threadbare self.

♛ ♛ ♛ ♛ ♛

It takes me all of twenty seconds to react. I count them going by on the ticking hand of my cracked watch as I try to cobble together a plan, try to breathe. I feel like the walls are closing in on me, all my demons crawling to the surface. But I’ll be damned if I let them win. If I let him win.

Then, I am chugging my cappuccino. It’s lukewarm. The syrup has pooled at the bottom and I get it all in one gulp. Sickly sweet and absolutely revolting, but I need the fuel.

When I’m done, little rivulets of coffee stream down my cheeks. I wipe them off with the sleeve of Cardan’s black jacket, grab my bag from the floor, and start running. I leave my shirt hanging to dry on the shelf. Buttoned, the jacket covers me enough and I cannot waste time. Not now.

I careen through the metal doors, apologizing to a grumbling Liliver as I sprint out from behind the counter, and wonder just how much Cardan’s glorified bathrobe would go for on eBay. He did say it was designer…

Finally, I’m outside again. It’s stopped hailing, and the air is blessedly cool. It helps me sort through my muddled thoughts.

I see Cardan’s wretched curls bobbing up ahead. He stops for the red man on the pedestrian signal. Idiot.

My breath swirls around me. I look both ways and dive between a reasonably spaced motorcycle and a bus onto the median in the middle of the road. Then between a bus and a less reasonably spaced car, who has to put on their breaks. The driver lays on the horn and I flick him off over my shoulder.

I’m already on the opposite side of the road, flying through the heavy glass doors of the Silhouette skyscraper. I don’t look back to see Cardan’s face, though I can imagine some pretty satisfying expressions on my own.

It’s enough to help me form the next steps of my plan.

I survey the lobby. It’s all glass and dark wood and marble. A crystal chandelier hangs from the ceiling. It smells like coffee and expensive cologne. Moneybag pricks, indeed.

There’s a sign to the right for the lifts; and right next to it, the door to the stairs.

The Gazette’s main offices are on the fifteenth floor. Which is actually probably the fourteenth floor, when you factor in people’s weird aversion toward the number thirteen. The stairs would be faster, anyway. Especially if there were multiple stops on the lift. Or many.

I think I could climb thirteen stairs. I don’t think Cardan could.

Moving as quickly as I can without drawing too much attention, I slip into the stair-well. I climb one floor, slip out into the hall, press the lift call button, slip back into the stair-well, and climb to the next level.

I do this thirteen more times, pressing the lift call buttons on every floor. I get some weird stares, some alarmed looks from people passing by. But mostly, I ignore them. My vision is tunnel-like.

I cannot let Cardan beat me. Everything I’ve been working toward for the past thirteen years is riding on this internship. If I can get just two minutes alone with Dain, maybe I can convince him to let me reschedule my interview. Maybe I can fix this.

By the fourth floor, my thighs start to burn. My feet slap against the concrete steps. The sound echoes off the stair-well walls.

Small, pathetic.

To see the Duarte name trampled down into the dirt where it belongs.

I want to ruin you.

It really was quite the show.

It’s that last one that sets me sprinting. By the tenth floor, I am heaving breaths. My lungs feel like they’re full of hot lead. The only things keeping me going are my goal and Cardan’s extremely punchable face like a beacon in my mind’s eye. I hate him I hate him I hate him. It drives me.

Finally, I slam my shoulder into the door with a sign next to it that reads, FLOOR 15, in bright red.

I spill out into a warmly lit hall. It’s lined with framed newspapers, chic black and white photographs of the city, and one large gilded mirror. There’s a potted organza sitting on a copper accent table just opposite the lifts, but not much else.

The set of glass double-doors to my right reads, “THE SILHOUETTE GAZETTE”, just above the handles, in bold black lettering. The same doors my mother walked through to get her internship here when she was my age. The same doors she walked through every day for so many years after.

No time, no time, no time. Cardan is hot on my tail. I can’t be sentimental, now.

I’m a little frazzled, but only a tad sweaty. I glance at the mirror. No, that’s utter bullshit. I look like I’ve walked through a sprinkler.

I take a moment to straighten my pencil skirt. Smooth the hair away from my face, dab the sheen on my forehead and nose and chin and everywhere else with the back of my hand. No time.

I roll the sleeves of the ridiculous jacket so they don’t swallow my hands. The red lining is vibrant against stark black. I throw my shoulders back, and before I begin to doubt myself, stride toward the doors.

My boots click against the dark granite tiles, but when I step over the threshold, it’s all grey carpet and phones ringing, the shuffling of hurried feet and stacks of paper.

The familiar smell of freshly pressed ink greets me. The man behind the reception desk straight ahead does not.

The receptionist is burly and bald, save for a tuft of black hair right on the top of his head, pulled back into a small bun. Blue ink creeps from underneath the collar and sleeves of his crisp white button-down. Tattoos. Lots of them. He wears a floral printed tie and doesn’t glance up from the computer when I approach.

I clear my throat. “Ex—cuse me,” I say. “I’m… here for an interview? With Dain Greenbriar. About an�� internship?”

“Are you sure about that?” the man asks in a gruff voice, still typing away.

My brows cinch. “Yes. I scheduled it weeks ago.”

“It’s just…” he looks up at me then, “You don’t sound so sure. Besides, he’s in a meeting right now.”

My jaw clenches. “No. Actually. He’s not,” I say as politely as I can, then throw a glance over my shoulder to make sure Cardan isn’t on his way to dropkick a wrecking ball right through my life. Again. “I’m his 8:20. I know I’m incredibly late, but I got into an accident on the way here.” It isn’t technically a lie, but it slides from my tongue just as smoothly.

The receptionist gives me a disapproving look. “He doesn’t like to be kept waiting.”

“I really only need five minutes of his time,” I say, breathless. “Could you please. Please. Just page him. Everything in my life depends on it.”

He raises one brow, regarding me dubiously. “Uh-huh. That’s what they all say.”

“Look,” I say, starting to panic, “I don’t have much time to explain before the world’s largest middle finger to the very foundation of this establishment walks through those doors and ruins everything. But if you do this for me, and I get this internship, I will bring you coffee every morning for two months.”

He’s silent for so long, I think he’s going to reject my offer. But then he says, “Make it three. Regardless of whether you get the internship.”

“Deal,” I blurt before I can stop myself. Before I can think about the strangeness of his contention. I certainly don’t have time to haggle.

The receptionist sighs, lifting the phone to his ear. Punches a few numbers. Listens. “Wait over there,” he mouths at me and points to a cluster of sleek leather chairs in the corner of the entryway that look about as comfortable as your standard park bench.

I thank him silently and head over, plopping down on the nearest one. I was right. It feels like I’m six again and sitting on the lap of my sister, Vivienne, whose legs are notoriously spindly.

The receptionist is muttering words I cannot hear into the phone’s receiver. I presume it’s Dain, but for all I know, he could be talking to Glinda in accounting, or whoever. Laughing about the silly little girl who just fell through the doors, looking for all the world like she’d been down the rabbit hole and had to claw her way back up to get here. He wouldn’t be far off, if I’m honest.

Or worse, maybe he’s calling security.

I shove those thoughts from my mind and lean back in the chair. My right leg starts to jiggle like it always does when I’m nervous. I lean forward again, bracing my elbows on my knees. I need to focus.

There’s a sudden movement in my periphery. A tall man in a navy blue suit enters the reception area. His golden crown of curls and swaggering demeanour clue me in enough. Dain Greenbriar.

The last time I saw the second eldest, and arguably the most decent of the Greenbriar progenies, was thirteen years ago. In a rescue chopper. Above a boating accident. He was in the pilot’s seat flying the chopper, while Madoc was tending to my sisters and I. But I still remember his confident air, that dash of white smile when he told us everything was going to be okay. Even though it wasn’t.

He hasn’t changed much.

“Miss Duarte,” Dain says, stopping near the reception desk. I wonder briefly if it’s a power play. Make me come to him. It’s fair enough, if that’s his ploy. It’s what I would do.

I’m surprised I’m not more phased by the memory of him. I expect to feel an inexplicable sense of dread. I expect it to be difficult to see him now, in the flesh, but it’s not. I feel nothing. Maybe that’s the difficulty. Or maybe this is just the tip of the iceberg.

I rise to my feet and make swift but assertive strides.

The thumping of the chopper was so loud that day, I don’t think anyone said much. So I’m not sure I’ve officially met him. Though, I could be remembering it wrong.

I stick out my hand anyway. “Mr Greenbriar,” I say. “I apologise for my delay. I was in an accident and couldn’t get here sooner. Thank you for meeting with me.”

He looks me over none too swiftly. He’s either decided that my appearance is evidence enough of my story, or that I’m attractive enough to forgive the faux-pas, because he takes my hand in his, giving it a firm shake that I return in kind.

“As much of a pleasure as it is to see you again, Miss Duarte—”

“Please. Call me Jude,” I say, then clamp my mouth shut. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Who the hell do I think I am, cutting off the man who’s about to hire me?

Dain’s smile is small and savours highly of pity. A sinking feeling starts in my gut. “Jude,” he continues, apologetic, “I wish we could be meeting again under better circumstances, but I’m afraid I have an appointment very soon and quite the busy schedule today.”

“I only need a few minutes of your time, Mr Greenbriar.”

“You understand, Jude, that we take our internships here at The Silhouette very seriously.”

“Yes, of course. I am one-hundred percent serious.”

“Unfortunately,” he says, “Interviews at the Silhouette require more than a few minutes to be conducted.”

“I’m sure I can give you a shortened version. When is your next appointment?” I ask, and he pauses, then looses a hesitating laugh. I realise too late that he’s not laughing at my gusto. He’s laughing at something over my shoulder.

“Now, apparently,” Dain tells me.

I whirl around and see a most loathly figure walking through the doors.

♛ ♛ ♛ ♛ ♛

More like this:  Crashing  |  Fine Line  |  King

Last Part

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AN: We love a petty Jude. Just hitting all those lift buttons on her way up. Also some of y’all guessed it but Jude definitely went for those knives huh. Anyways, thanks so much for reading! If you liked this chapter please do let me know, via comment/reblog/keyboard smash! It truly does help me recharge my writing energy, and I appreciate every single one.

If you’d like to be added to the tag list for all future updates of We’re All Mad Here, let me know via comment/ask/message!! Thanks again for reading! Back to the forest now. -em 🖤💫

Title Inspo: Rival by Ruelle

Tag List: @the-mithridatism-of-jude-duarte​ @velarhysismine​ @knifewifejude​ @danieldesario​ @annihliation​ @wickedqueenoffantasy​ @not-tess​ @clockworkgraystairs​ @jurdanhell​ @afexiss​ @snap-crackle-and-pop​ @rowaelin-percabeth @runnybabbit9​ @cardaans​ @hoegreenbrair​

[jae-ha]

“Don’t let me kill you just yet” (Analysis)

“Don’t let me kill you just yet.” 

Honestly, this analysis is for myself. I’m probably just shouting to the void with this post, but there were a few scenes in episode 5 that I’m trying to piece together in my mind and I feel that writing them out would be a nice way to organize them in my head. Of course, anyone is free to read them as well, and if you have any thoughts, I’d love nothing more than to analyze/theorize this series with you! Just no spoilers, please! ; v ; 

I’ve been dying over Satsuriku no Tenshi for the past couple of weeks. Everything about the series from the fascinating dynamic of a serial killer having to team up with an adolescent strategist, to the beautiful animation, to the subtle, blink-or-you’ll-miss-it changes in interactions between the characters as the episodes go by is what is making me obsess over this show. One of the best things, of course, is the development of Rachel and Zack’s relationship— particularly in episodes 4 and 5. 

Now, before you click away, I don’t mean this in a romantic sense. But I’m also not saying that it couldn’t possibly have romantic implication, depending on how Makoto Sanada (the creator) wanted it to go. Ultimately, I see the relationship between Zack and Rachel exactly as how Sanada said he wanted to portray it: as something deeper than romance. 

Because I want to experience the story in “real-time” without knowing how it ends/big spoilers, I’ve made the anime my primary source, so (for now) all analysis will be based on the anime alone. I’ve never read the manga and I’m only experiencing the game in bits and pieces (as the anime episodes come out, I watch Let’s Plays of the game to see what was cut or different from the anime adaptation). 

With every episode, the anime highlights a particular line of dialogue that appeared in said episode, even going as far as to make that the episode’s official title. Episode 5’s title, “Don’t let me kill you just yet” is the line and scene I wanted to analyze (if that wasn’t already obvious).

Now, let’s get down to the meat, shall we? 

Picking up from the scene after Zack injects himself with both syringes, he stumbles out into the hallway and begins having flashbacks, particularly of the slasher movie that was always playing at the orphanage with faint images of his younger self before he killed the orphanage owners. 

I find it interesting to note that (and this may not be totally relevant), he comments “Quit flashing through my mind like that.” What I find interesting is that he holds those memories in contempt. The memories of his first murder leave a bad taste in his mouth— and this is coming from someone who revels in killing people and destroying things.

Rachel joins him, and that’s when Zack snaps. He chokes her and holds his scythe to her neck. That’s where some other importantly metaphorical imagery comes in: drops of red liquid. 

Quite obviously, this seems to represent Zack’s sanity, Zack’s meager hold on his self-control, or something similar. This entire time, throughout the series, Zack has never had to hold back. He’s never had to restrain himself. When doors block his path, he kicks and hits them (or, if you like episode 5, he freakin’ headbutts them… which… I totally didn’t find hilarious or anything *coughs*) like a trapped animal. When Eddie makes Zack a gravestone, Zack’s immediate inclination is to destroy it— and all the others, too (why destroy the others? because he feels like it, of course). When the key card isn’t working, he keeps pushing until it breaks. When someone or something angers him, his response is to get rid of it quickly, loudly and painfully. He knows that brute strength/force works. He gives a middle finger to any possible consequences to his actions, and, quite honestly, never even considers the consequences to begin with! 

Zack doesn’t hold back at all except for when it comes to one thing: 

Rachel. 

He always holds back for Rachel. 

Okay, I lied a bit in my previous paragraph when I said that Zack never holds himself back. There are actually a few times when he does: In Cathy’s electrocution room, Zack suggests destroying all the dolls when they can’t find the mechanism to escape the room, but Rachel tells him “Nothing warrants that.” Zack gets mad, but he still doesn’t destroy the dolls. 

When Eddie creates Rachel’s grave, Rachel asks Zack not to destroy it. Yes, Zack did end up destroying Rachel’s grave in the end (which is a conversation for another day), but the fact of the matter is, he wasn’t going to. While destroying all the other graves, he physically stops himself when he gets to hers. He holds back. He had no reason to. It wasn’t as if Rachel was going to scold or punish him somehow for destroying her grave. He had no reason not to destroy it, but he refrained from doing so because she told him to. 

During the dollhouse puzzle, he moves to destroy the dollhouse to escape the torment he’s receiving from past memories. Rachel simply calls out, “don’t!” and he stops immediately. Even during this traumatic time for him, he listens to Rachel. 

Zack has brute strength, speed, and power, but when Rachel tells him to do something, he does it. When Rachel tells him not to do something, he doesn’t. Part of me believes this may be a lingering effect from the orphanage. It was made clear that Zack despises being used (as a tool). But he states several times during the series that he isn’t very intellectually gifted: (i.e.: “I’m really dumb, so you’re going to help me get out of here,” / “…You know I’ll just end up getting stuck if I’m on my own.”) And during the dollhouse scene, although it’s hurting him, when Rachel tells him to give the bandaged doll the shovel, once he hears the voice of the orphanage proprietor overlap Rachel’s he becomes compliant. Just like he did as a child.

Zack isn’t very confident in his intelligence. He believes Rachel knows what’s best. Cathy made him realize that Rachel’s intellect completely trumps his strength/force when she mused “I wonder who the real tool is here.” If Rachel wanted to, she could lead him into a trap that would kill him (like just leaving him in the electric chair, for example) or just refuse to help him. He’s the one who wants to get out alive. He has more to lose than Rachel, considering she’s in a building where everything wants to kill her (which is what she wants anyway). 

Lingering back to episode 5’s final scene, Zack’s realized all of this, even in his insanity. Things haven’t changed from when he was a child— he can still be used as someone’s convenient tool and then be thrown away. Just like the proprietors who used him to bury bodies, Zack finds himself no further than he was back then. Thus, leading him to want to get rid of this problem. 

He handled his problems back then with a knife, but this time, he can’t do that. His life is intwined with hers. If he wants to live, she has to live. 

And when Rachel talks to him, he realizes that there is something different between Rachel and the proprietors. 

Rachel gives him something he’s never been offered before:

Choice. 

With his hand around her neck, she essentially tells him that it’s fine if he wants to kill her. “But is it okay with you?” she asks. 

And his mind clears. 

Tools are made to be used. They don’t have a say in how they are used and once their usefulness fades, they’re thrown away. Rather than showing him that she can manipulate and use him, she gives Zack the right to choose. 

He can give into his inclinations and impulses as he always does and kill her right then. Or he can go against everything he’s been clinging to (brute force), the only thing he knows that works, and choose for himself to show restraint. Rachel’s not the one controlling his actions. She’s not telling him, “you should do this,” or “stop doing that” (or in her own words, “I won’t give you orders right now. I won’t ask any favors.”) She’s telling him that he has the ability to think for himself and choose what he wants. 

Thus, we get to the scene of the hour where he tells her: “I’m begging you, don’t let me kill you just yet.”

I think during this exchange, Zack realizes that Rachel has become something more than a way for him to escape the building. He realizes that Rachel has become his restraint and through her presence, she gives him the ability to be more than who he thinks he is. 

I think this scene signifies Zack developing a deeper trust in Rachel than before. Rachel’s words to him prove that although she may be the one pulling the strings, he feels that he can trust her with them. He gets to make the decision of who “uses” him, and he feels that Rachel is the one who will do it justly. 

At least… that’s my interpretation. This post is super messy, but this is the best way I can piece together what happened, the reasons behind it, and how it all fits together. I’m still a touch confused when it comes to practically all of the dialogue concerning the syringe scene and even some of the dialogue in this scene (particularly the whole, “You get what I mean don’t you…?” part of it.) But, yeah, I’m dying for stimulating conversation/theorizing about this show. :U Let me know what you think! I’ll be over here dying for the next 3 days until episode 6 can run me over like a tractor on a dirt road.