#OR I'LL COOK IT MYSELF I GUESS
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ok yeah i will never leave the greater paris area for real for Real. i can't do this. actually
#you live in a very pleasant and pretty small town with really nice people (except for The CultTM) for a month and go OH GOD. OH FUCK.#I NEED TO BE IN CHATELET-LES-HALLES RIGHT THE FUCK NOW OR I'LL KILL MYSELF. you are: cooked. forever. no cure.#the levels of anxiety that come with the territory (literally and metaphorically) whenever i'm out of paris are.... something#someone will never leave la seine-saint-denis. i fucking guess!#it's the claustrophobia. idk. it fucking scares me so bad. i didn't expect that#i was fully planning to leave the area and settle down somewhere En Province(TM) but#twould seem i am too much of a terminally insufferable parisian to do so. ah well!
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God, "I missed you" sex is the best
#eep.txt#as soon as we were alone he kissed me hard and just couldn't get close enough#we went to his room and he immediately attacked my neck i don't think i've ever had so many hickeys at once#he kept grinding for so long against me on his lap 😵💫 i was very desperate for more but he just wanted so feel my skin against his#he was sososo cute with his messy hair and the way he kept saying i love you!#i could see myself in the mirror in front of his bed i didn't think i was this fucked out lmao#maybe the first time i moaned this loud and talked this much too#usually i have to keep quiet even though it's hard cuz there's other people but it was so nice having him aaalll to myself#when he finally put his fingers in it felt like heaven i'd been so long#and same he just kept going so deep and so fast my god he said he liked hearing me again#i had to stop him cause i was getting really overstimulated but it was so good#i'm pretty sure it's the first time i've actually like moaned his name without meaning to do it#apparently i didn't realise i was babbling and scratching his back so hard#god i love being a power bottom and calling him cute or my sweet boy and getting him desperate but...#when he goes feral like that after not seeing me for a while? it's the best. i'm so lucky to have such a service top#so happy to be with him again#after we cuddled and we showered and we cooked and then watched videos and then talked and laughed#i'm so happy right now to even see him sleeping next to me :]#sorry i meant to do a sexy post but i guess this is more positive venting i'll make a proper one later#still new to this writing thing i'm probably very bad at it but it's nice to have a place to write down my memories and experiences
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#i have little to no rationale for this but this is an art blog after all so here is a random little something i did on break#wanted to do smth more illustrate-y for once and render. i missed painting and. faces are always fun to paint so i just started shading and#tadaa? out of the dreamscape indeed and inspired quite heavily by anastasia#<blinks?> i'm!! not sure!!! what i'll be posting from now on!!! welcome back to the avvy-has-a-crisis-over-blog-content //#ending-with-the-resolution-to-post-whatever // and then feeling like since people are following for six ... should. post that instead. //#i saw somewhere in a ted talk of smth that be yourself and your people will find you. i feel like that applied here when i was fifteen and#now oops im a different person. what do i do with the remnants of my past self i've kept. she's in there somewhere but no longer here.#so i guess. revamp. post whatever current me wants and ignore any and all stats.#last time i went on (what i thought was permanent hiatus) i think i was trying to end on a high note. this is now a ??ship of theseus thing#perhaps. whatever!!! <stops thinking of myself as a content creator and more of a silly little blog> wow this is so chill#the true goal of this all is just to get better at art. and have it be shareable. that part is bonus.#on another note i have picked up crochet! started another side acc! began the ridiculous flood of exam season. read two whole books#and listened to a bunch of songs i either discovered or rediscovered. kept cooking experiments in the kitchen. hashtag lifeupdates i suppos#it's getting better. im usually dehydrated and stress is forever there but i've come to like my life enough to cope with it?? hooray#i think. me-who-started-this-blog would be terribly proud of how we've grown. it's a comforting thought#also i can paint actually! hehe
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You know you have a problem when you start RELATING to the song Waving Through A Window
#lol just wrote the sentence 'everyone gets sick of him eventually' and started spiralling because it hit too close to home#because my friend didnt text me back and because a different friend who I was always with walked into my common room said hi and ignored me#and don't get me wrong she was talking about me behind my back so I am trying to distance myself but fuck it hurt#im so tired of everyone getting sick of me#but i know its my own fault so i guess I can't complain#my social anxiety is so severe at the moment that i can't really handle much social interaction anyway#and I can't stop crying because I'm so sick of feeling this way#and i have my writing workshop tomorrow and I'm really scared#and the one person I want to talk to didn't text me back so now I'm scared to ask her for help#because I'm also riddled with guilt every time I go to her for help and I'm convinced she views me as a burden#BUT I MEAN THAT'S NEITHER HERE NOR THERE I'LL JUST COOK MY BURGER AND CALL IT A DAY#pls ignore this#personal#rambles#ramblings
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#i'd stayed alone for a few days before. for a week. for weeks#but this week was something for some reason#a fight against depression or whatever shit is in my head and i lost it#it was so shitty i can't even describe HOW. all i know that i was supposed to rest and i didn't rest#ED STUFF DON'T READ IF IT TRIGGERS ETC ETC more food was thrown out in these 8 days than i ate#wake up feel awful feel hunger drag yourself out of the bed to the kitchen#realise you in no condition for cooking#or for making a simple sandwich or something#look at food and think “aye i don't like that :(( i don't want that :(( i feel like dying but i can't force myself to eat :((ok back to bed”#LITERALLY hunger HURTS and i CAN'T eat just fucking CAN'T#you feel like you'll collapse on the floor any minute soon and.... yeah you guessed right#it's not like any typical ed i know and not what i could find when digging information abt it#'cus i also sometimes INTO food and even consider it tasty and even WANT it.......#and i tend to cope with stress with sweets sometimes#like WHAT THE FUCK it frustrates me so fucking bad#idk what to do#except for going to therapy. but i can't afford therapy rn#nor i can tell my mother#just need someone who'll repeatedly poke me with reminders to EAT. several times at a time#ED SECTION ENDED!!!#i wanted to say something ant anxiety but forgot what. for good i guess#need positivity. just a bit of it. today i've done half of the stuff i was supposed to do a week ago and i'm up to finishing it when#i'll get home#and everything else is probably ok.#fictional blorbos halping me survive day 948#dame can't shut up#vent post
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Lots of youtubers get sponsors from various meal delivery services and as a disabled person they always tempt me when i see them
but i also have a lot of food allergies and i've yet to find one that has any options for someone like me
well, one i just saw does have "gluten free" options and when I clicked through their start up, it gave me a choice to pick a type of food I need to avoid.
One type of food.
There are three on that list that could kill me. It doesn't give me a choice of picking more than one.
So oh well. I'll just keep eating the one food I've found that I can microwave that won't kill me.
No food variety for me.
rip.
#whenever i bring up my issues finding safe food#people always tell me to cook something#'it's super easy to make __'#for YOU maybe#my disabilities make it nearly impossible for me to do more than microwave something#so i just eat the same thing for all my meals every fucking day#because i can't safely eat any other easy to prepare foods#and i can't make any safe foods myself#guess i'll die#food cw
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Reading up on invasive plants continue to be a mistake because now that the garlic mustard's died back I am instead seeing dog-strangling vine everywhere. Admittedly Vincetoxicum rossicum and Vincetoxicum nigrum are pretty metal names but they really are out there blanketing the edge of every disturbed field and choking out the rest of the plant life...
#plant talk#t#i was interested in them for fibre reasons so at least i won't have to feel bad for harvesting them#this is a big reason why I'm trying to familiarize myself with invasive plants tbh#it's easy to confuse them with native milkweed at first but they're starting to flower now and the flowers are very distinct#i actually spent like 3 hours last night comparing their flowers to flowers of other milkweeds/dogbanes#because i was like there's SO many of them 😰#but... i guess that's what invasive plants do...#another way to tell them apart from native milkweeds is that the milkweeds are all being munched on by caterpillars#(not monarch caterpillars. these ones were black)#(there are other leptidora that are obligate herbivores on milkweed but i don't know what they are)#soooo. yikes.#these vines don't strangle dogs btw. no one knows why they're called that#i was gonna see if i could get anything workable out of garlic mustard but i waited too long#but Canada did release those weevils that only feed on garlic mustard so i don't think they're as big of an issue anymore#at least compared to these#which afaik don't really have any biological controls#if i harvest them I'll probably have to harvest in the evening right before the sun sets because i saw them growing among something that#looks suspiciously like ragweed. which is fine aside from the allergies. but ragweed also looks like wild carrot and wild parsnip#which are ABSOLUTELY NOT FINE and they will burn you like acid if you touch their sap and then go into the sun#no thank you !!#there's a few common plants that look like wild parsnip#but uhhhhhhh I'm not touching that lol#also found some wild grapes growing with them though! yum 😋#i don't care much for the grapes but the young shoots are sooooo good if you cook them up. they taste lemony
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... My parents really for real are leaving the uncleaned, rotten potato juice and other misc unknown juice infested, LITERALLY FRUIT FLY LARVAE INFESTED, cupboards, in the bathroom,
For like the 4th day starting today if I am counting right
Sure just don't let me shower sure just let me get paranoid over the larvae sure make me not trust the bathtub for like a week sure let the place get more infested sure let it stink up the whole place SURE LEAVE THE FUCKING BATHROOM UNUSABLE
#I was the one who found the cupboard btw#They fr left shit there for months#Never checked it#Bc I don't cook or stay in the kitchen a long time unless I'm actively seeking Being Alone and Not Food#I never checked#Whole place infested with fruit flies#Thousands so many#'haha guess it's summer gotta be the trash' mom says#Then I try finding the source myself on an already extremely low appetite#....... Yea let's just say I just had to comfort food it out again after my discovery. So bad.#I know they've had work but. Uhm. Today home all day. Are they seriously not gonna clean it unless I say#I'M NOT DOING IT I'LL THROW UP + IDK HOW TO DO IT DO I LOOK LIKE I'VE BEEN TAUGHT#TO CLEAN ANYTHING#We don't even have basic cleaning supplies.#They always leave gross buckets of gross?? UNKNOWN LIQUIDS#In there for DAYS#And I CANT TAKE A BATH JNLESS I ASK SOMEONE#FOR#DAYS#LEAST HYGIENIC FUCKING HOUSE JESUS CHRIST I GET TOLD MY ROOM IS GROSS AND DIRTY#BUT ITS THE CLEANEST PLACE IN THE HOUSEEEEEE#Would be better if WE DIDNT LOSE THE WHOLE VACUUM SOMEHOW#Where IS IT.#I can't with this house#Vent#Sorry I'm talking abt this situation a lot (@my friends)#Like Uhm I wanna shower. I haven't since my Transgender Werewolf Period began#No since BEFORE IT. I'm DISGUSTING. PLEASE. GET THE LARVAE INFESTED THING OUT OF HERE#AAHHHHHHHH#I'M WRITING THIS BC KM AVOIDING BRUSHING MY TEETH NEAR THIS THING.
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#my cousin is busy tonight. my parents just went out for the evening. I'm not going to the gym. and i have no friends who live very close#I want people!!!#i would not be able to live all by myself because I cannot stand being alone most of the time (especially in the evenings)#i would go watch the new planet of the apes movie but i hate the idea of going to movies by myself#and I'm saving it for next weekend#I'm too introverted to randomly text any friends and ask if they want to hang out#and I'm too extroverted to want to be by myself#the frienda i do have that i might be willing to text all live 45min+ away btw#another thing that seriously stinks about being one of the few people my age who goes to my church#the only other one who is my age and lives close is my cousin (see first sentence)#i guess I'll cook me some supper which will give me something nice and productive to do#and then maybe I'll play zelda or pikman? i haven't played my switch in a while and that sounds mildy better than watching a movie#I hate feeling so alone (in the social sense)#normally I'm too busy or my parents are around and we can watch something or play games#but man. when they go out...it's not fun#and I could have gone with them tonight but going to restaurants is just not a fun experience when you have 5+ food allergies#yeah...lots of rambling but I just wanted to get some of that off my chest...#the ramblings of a dragon
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It is sunday night. I remain exhausted.
#my stuff#i tried everything this weekend and nothing is healing my Existential Ambivalence#like i know i cooked and i saw friends and i did my hobbies and normally i'd be proud of myself for all that but i just...don't care#i wanna call out sick or something tomorrow. I'm worried about my finances and i genuinely think im gonna have to move somewhere cheaper#like i was expecting my tax return to offset the slow bleed of money from my savings each month and that Is Not Happening#And its not like i have any way to Make More Money#bc im a grad student and we're contractually prevented from doing so#So that means i'll need to move when my lease is up this summer and i really don't fucking want to#i like where i live i just wish it wasn't so goddamn expensive on rent#even like $200 cheaper would be world changing for me#but no instead i gotta look at my bills after power and car insurance and food and be like oops guess i lost $100 this month#and god forbid i get coffee or eat out in the cheapest way possible bc somehow that adds up to like $100 the second i look away#im sick of being anxious about this!! im not eating enough as it is!!#i also don't wanna get a fucking roommate bc i don't want someone in a space i've come to consider my own#like sorry but im transgender do not fucking look at me stranger#so the only real solution is to move and that's such a fucking hassle and it doesn't solve the problem now and i just want this to get bettr#i wish all students a very $2000 raise forever#and all landlords a very Scrooge Moment that makes you cut my rent in half#ave omnissiah
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misc. daily life photos again .. for the every once in a while that I collect enough over a few months to actually make a photo set out of them lol
#Not sure how to caption every photo because you can unfortunately no longer caption photos so that text appears#under them when you view them. you can only add photo descriptions (which is more about literally describing#the image for people who can't see it or etc.). I wish they had the ability to have both captions and descriptions as both are useful for#different functions but it seems they took captions away entirely so. I guess I'll have to just number every picture and then talk about th#em in the tags or soemthing?? SO.. starting from top left to right --#image 1: blackberries BUT also if you look close.. there's a tiny little bug on them lol#image 2: little water droplets on the back of a leaf that looked cool.. love anything with tiny water orbs#image 3&4: a spiky fuzzy sort of caterpillar outside on a yardwork glove.. small friend#image 5: THIS is such a bad slogan!!! what a lie!!! I personally would LOVE to have a sandwich party! in fact I would rather attend a#sandwich party than a pizza party because it would be fun to sample a wide variety of sandwich platters with all different meats and chee#& breads & ingredients & etc. !! now I just wish I could go to a cool sandwich sampling party w a full buffet of various mini sandwiches :#image 6: a chicken sandwich I made myself at home. with swiss cheese >:3#image 7&8 : HHRGH it's a CAT and also bubble tea!!! AND is pastel teal! but alas.. it was like $20 and I didnt want to pay that but now#looking back on the photos slightly regret it lol. I think it's more because it's a brand name since the cat is some popular cat like hello#kitty or something. I didn't really notice that until later lol. I was just thinking 'OMG A CAT!'. I love all cats. brand or no brand lol#image 9: my single once a year trip to the drink place that has really nice garlic noodles. this time with beef? which was good too. And#the typical drink order of pina colada smoothie (i think it's coconut pineapple and strawberry?). plain matcha bubble tea (favorite and all#I ever get from anywhere). and a strawberry smoothie thing. I also usually get a coffee bubble tea but the place is like 50% of the time ou#of coffee for some reason so. hggh.. Which I know is like everyday food for some people but. I get food from places SO rarely that it's al#ays an event to take a picture about lol. Just cooking at home 99% of the time makes those trips for fancy food more special I guess#Id rather save the money/dont have much in the 1st place .& also am still a freak who hates using apps/dislikes shit like ubereats or etc.#I would literall NEVER get food delivered to my house under any circumstance unless I was dying alone inside on hospital bed rest with no#support system and no transportation and having food delivered to me was my last possible option. otherwise. if I want something so bad#I can just leave the house to physically pick it up myself without involving a middle man to the process and paying more. .. ANYWAY ghjgjh#image 10: BOY in BOX.. playing a new boardgame and he sits inside! rip to my big beautiful son. I miss him.#UpWords is a fun game though. It's similar to scrabble except you can stack the letters? interesting#Okay. that's all the pictures! Also for the record I do think it's a good thing to have image descriptions! I wasn't complaining in the sen#e that I wish they would get rid of them and bring captions back. more just I would like to have both preferrably. I liked being able to#caption things on the occasional post like this where the layout is better suited towards it.#photo diary
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stream tomorrow. ~3pm est. this fuckin site. if i dont get hit by a car by then.
#snap chats#ill make another reminder post an hour before the stream tomorrow dont worry#yes this is related yes this is also so i can be angry FUCK#imagine being an american and waking up and reading the news and wanting to light everything on fire#anyways. before i bring politics into my funny sideblog.#ive been shirking /drafting/ a comic all week cause i keep getting distracted And Brother I Feel Another Impulsive Idea Enter The Dome#ok im lying its another idea ive had cooking in the back ever since i made my initial tattoo post but it's a short silly comic#so i think i can get the one day Relatively quickly#BUUUUT the main monster i wanna do.... idk what ive been shirking it it SHOULDNT be terribly long#it SHOULD be pretty simple and just me being Smart and Funny right and yet... brain broken.#i dont know if i want to make it especially long or keep it short and sweet...#SOOOO this all relates back to Stream Tomorrow because i wanna have it at least DRAFTED in my head by then#not another accountability stream... uh oh...#i vow to be less annoying this time around i looked in the mirror and reviewed myself and said 'bitch shut up you fidgety bastard'#so HOPEFULLY i'll be less erratic#in any case. off to do that mini comic. i guess it's more of a warm up in my book#bye bye ill see yall in five. hours.#cause apparently thats how long it takes me to COLOR SHIT god forbid sketching and lining and kms#ok bye fr stay sexy
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Feeling so weirdly out of sorts today. I hoped that I can continue writing the second part of my AU I started on yesterday (got a nice 1,6k in Macau's POV!) or if not that, then maybe finish up editing part 1 so I can post but... I dunno, Ive fallen into a dip of depression and I only feel like crying and diddling around doing nothing (beside All the things I need to take care of for the next two days of classes of course, ugh), so... yeah. I don’t know what to do with myself. Wasting the little bit of free time I still have doesn’t make me feel better, but then Im not even sure Im capable of anything creative rn...
#personal#vent#Raksh vents#the dip in weather might have smth to do with it#it was sunny and really warm yesterday and now it dipped into cold and gloomy and rainy#and Im of course super sensitive to weather#plus lately it feels like whatever I eat juat won’t pass through and sits in my stomach like stones so thats bothering me too#and the fact I not only have to cook myself dinner but also food for tomorrow's classes and Im just...#I have no energy or idea for it whatsoever#might just go simple pasta with pesto for both like I did last week#just to get smth into my stomach#tho im not sure we have enough pasta... ughhhhhd#I have tofu defrosting so I guess I'll do that for tomorrow#but thats for the evening and for now#ehhhhh#I'll reread what I wrote yesterday#maybe that'll give me a nudge or smth...
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the mortifying ordeal of wanting to read your new blorbo fucked dumb but not wanting to wade through ao3 alone to find the tasty stuff
#especially because 90% of the content i've seen for him is het which is FINE whatever but i need him dicked down#where are my bg3 fuckers at i know ONE OF YOU who follows me also has to be into this vampire#i guess worse comes to worse i'll have to just write it myself but ugh sometimes you wanna eat instead of having to cook!!
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argh...i got invited to a dinner party on 9/16. i don't know if i should decline because of rosh hashannah or not
#sasha speaks#it does sound nice but who knows if i'll have the energy to socialize after services...#it's for people to share their research in a low stress setting and get feedback either as prep for like a conference or something#or just for fun. and then dinner and socializing and stuff#which sounds nice. but. idk. maybe it'll be better for me to just stay home and cook a nice meal for myself and watch an opera or smth#then again is it sadder to spend the holiday all alone....i don't know. agh.#i wanna talk about me#idk what to do but i should probably respond to the invite#well...i'm meeting the host for coffee tomorrow morning. so i guess i'll have to decide soon#i'm not going to orchestra rehearsal the night before even though i won't be in services until saturday morning technically#but come on. i'm not going to rehearsal on RH. i'm making a nice dinner and lighting candles.
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What I should be doing: writing
What I should have done earlier: eating
What I'm going to do instead of either: nap until dinner
#solitaretalk#dad is making pork chops today#and we are racing the clock to see if I get to have An Pork before sunset#if he waits too late to have dinner I guess I'll have to cook for myself after all#i will feel very silly for not getting takeout then
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