#OMG STAY AT HOME PLS DONT LEAVE THE COUNTRY WITHOUT ME

[jyunism]

IF I CANT GO ANYWHERE NOBODY CAN GO ANYWHERE SIT YOUR ASS AT HOME

[aronlikeyou]

feelings dump

m3ndeesh 7aga 2a2olha 3′air eni te3ebt

waking up gets harder everyday , i live in a vicious loop of nothingness , i miss the utter randomness of the world controlling my day not expecting whats the next move, these limits set to what my day looks like are suffocating the shit out of me, i can’t even leave my house because i physically can’t 

im FUCKING SICK OF THIS CHAPTER OF MY LIFE

SICK OF SCHOOL

SICK OF THIS FUCKING CITY

SICK OF THIS COUNTRY

this is the longest i’ve ever gone without traveling or going back home

i miss my bestfriend like crazy, i actually pause in the middle of my day and think holy shit i miss naz so much, i miss her to the point my heart aches 

i used to blame everything on someone and after they left im left with nobody to blame but myself , and that was exactly what i was trying to avoid 

i can’t say im the master of my day when i literally have to work with what i’ve got, i dont exactly have much to start with yet i still have to make the best out of it, what if i cant? why am i supposed to settle for less? i want nothing less than the entire world, i want to the universe to be MY BITCH , i want to be the master of my own destiny not a 23 year old girl stuck in Egypt in a 7 year uni gasping for a breathe of fresh air when literally all im taking in is this fucking dusty ass air, i fucking hate it dawg this shit weighs heavy on my soul to the point i literally cant fucking function

i self medicate and the side effects fuck me up and i know im wrong but whats wrong of wanting to numb yourself so much to skip yours days? 

i want this year to be over, i miss my friends , i miss traveling , i miss adventures and randomness , i miss stories in the making 

this whole staying at home shit did nothing but concentrate all my problems in a time frame and an environment where i have to deal with everything i would distract myself to not bother facing, this is the later in “i’ll deal with it later” , this petridish of my fuckedup problems is the later and i just want to pass this later onto another later and call it a later day 

anyways , if you’re reading this after i die or something know that i had energy for the world but things didnt work out to my favor still, and if future nora is reading this , i know you have different problems now because you know that problems never end, i just hope you found a reason to be happy in the midst of it all, and im also kinda fucking curious who the fuck will you end up with, if that person is reading this (if you’ve found my tumblr and you’re stalking me, good job its kinda plausible but you’re thinning your chances of getting with me jusss saying, get the fuck out of here freak) with you too then hello stranger!! can’t wait to meet you and give you loads of cuddles , ew nora you’re gross with that feelings shit 

2020 SUXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

i would also really like to pass 5th year of medschool im on month 11 out of 15 yes this year is 15 months long, fml i just want everything to be OVER 

anyways again, here’s a joke, what kinda bees produces milk?

beeewwwbeeeessss hahahahahaha im a 5 year old

if you’ve read this and reached this far omg pls dont bring it in person im awkward and this is my fantasy online diary speaking to oblivion its nothing too serious hahahahahahha ok bye fr fr fr fr frrrrr

[ilygsd]

odfidk: 300418

hi im apologizing in advance to anyone who happens to read this but this is more for myself cus man i just had a huge fight with my white parents and im so frustrated that they dont understand and im so frustrated im so lonely and depressed and im so frustrated this sucks and yeah i really dont have ANYWHERE else to vent so here tumblr here u go pls u have been warned im having like an anxiety attack or smth right now so nothing will make sense anyways go away

i want to die. and i also wanna murder every single white person i see. for real i just really fucking hate white people. they literally destroy everything and i cant do this anymore. I CANT STAND BEING ISOLATED. my traumatic mental issues are preventing me from getting any friends (especially poc friends) so all i have is my stupid fucking white family and they just make me feel even worse. also my social anxiety prevents me from seeking help too because apparently you have to call these stupid psychologists and you cant just mail or text them or let a parent call them for you and calling people i dont know and talk to people i dont know is like a part of the problem i need help with?? like WHO WAS RHAT FUKING IDIOT WHO CANE UP WITH THE IDEA ”oh lets force our clients to call us in order to get help” LIKE DONT U FKN UNDERSTAND SOME OF US CANT. also most of the psychologist are probably white anyways and i really can’t handle whites anymore at all. just the thought of it makes me wanna puke. a part of me doesnt even wanna talk to a non-adoptee??? but that’s not very realistic. all i want is at least a NON-WHITE psychologist and where the fuck do i find that

i can’t talk to anyone. i don’t have a safe space anywhere except for online among other asians who hate whites. i feel like a prisoner in my own home. BITCH I CANT BREATHE 😭😭 I CANT REST 😭 WHITES ARE EVERYWJERE AND I LITERALLY HAVE TO LEEP MY MOUTH SHIT AND BOTTLE EVERYTJING UP UNTIL I EXPLODE LIKE THIS AND WANT TO DIE 😭😭 hate my white family so much i want to cut them off from my life forever. but thanks to my stupid abandonment issues and generally just mental illness and unhealthy perception of relationships i’m too scared to cut them off. i’m not strong enough to be on my own. i’m not capable of making friends. look at me im fucked up. i dont have any friends anymore cus i always manage to fuck things up and now im to tired and anxious to even try.

i also cant speak my mother tongue bc my stupid white parents let me grow up with only other whites and no exposure of my original culture or anything so THANKS TO THAT i’ll never get accepted in asia. i wont even get accepted by ”ordinary” asian immigrants or the asians born here cus at least they have their parenrs and relatives and part of the culture while i have…….. nothing. also i live in fucking sweden and even though we gor 20% poc here they’re literally nowhere to be seen cus my city is SEGREGATED AF and my awkward ass dont know how to approach other poc without being like ”HEY YO LETS BE FRIENDS ILY DONT LEAVE"

i hate myself, i hate my life, i hate my situation, i hate white people. i hate everyone. i don’t see any hope. i don’t see a positive future. and even if i did, id only see the negative shit that would happen after bc man life always disappoint me. and that shit would definitely be the death of me cus i woudnt be able to take anymore disappointments. the only thing im holding onto right now is that i’m too lazy, to tired and too scared to hurt myself.

also bc i REALLY wanna go and see bts lmaooo i didnt even know this was so important??? its not necessarily bc of them i mean i havent been into kpop for very long but then i found myself feeling this INTENSE ANXIETY THAT I NEED TO SEE THEM. it feels like its now or never. its my only chance. it feels like im gonna DIE IF IM NOT SEEING THEM. not only to see THEM but to see ASIANS. like im desperate bitches it sounds so fetishizing but for real i need POSITIVE ASIAN REPRESENTATION AND YOU COULD BASICALLY SAY BTS AND KPOP HAS SAVED MY LIFE BECAUSE GOD DAMN IT IT SOUNDS SO CHEESY BUT THEY REALLY HAVE!! not obly cus they’re asian but also cus theyre friends and i dont jave any friends so all i do is watching their friendship and dream about smth ill never have

but hey i probably wont get any tickets and tbh i can already feel that thats gonna make me depressed af. especially when all these ugly rich white koreaboos will be seeing them and im here all alone, feeling like the only ones i can turn to is a fucking kpop group. how fucking sad isn’t that. i’m not even korean, but it’s like they’re the closest i can get. whites be taking iver everything. i grew up in a fkn white family i know jow they think. they dont. my family isnt even ”racist” theyre racist cus theyre white u get me. like they dont undersyand the hidden racism by calling it an ordinary asian store ”china store” its so normal to them. all my life ive wanted to be a whitey AND NOW WHEN I FINALLY FOUND KPOP THEY WANNA STEAL THAT SHIT TOO OMG IM GOING NUTS

like racists always tell me to go back to my country BUT I NEVER FKN CHOSE TO BE HERE MY PARENTS LITERALLY BOUGHT ME THEY EVEN GOT 80K FINANCIAL CONTRIBUTION FROM OUR GOVERNMENT SO THEY COULD AFFORD MY ADOPTION BUT OUR GIVERNMENT CANT EVEN HELP ME WITH A TINY RE-VISIT TO THE FUCKING PLACE I WAS BORN AND THE ORPHANAGE I SPEND MY 2 FIRST YEARS IN??? like ffs i have to deal with racism 24/7 but give me some fkn money and i’ll be off in a week fuck YOU. at the same time all these nasty white rich hoes can travel across asia like 55 times a year just to exploit our culture and treat my people like SHIT AND NOT ONLY TJAY!! not only cant i go back to my country while whites can…. I CANT EVEN FUCKING SEE THIS ONE SINGLE KPOP GROUP I LIKE WITHOUT THESE FUCKTARD CUNTS NOT BEING ABLE TO CONTROL THEIR COLONIALIST GENES AND STAY IN THEIR FKN LANE

ANYWAYS also also my white brothers make fun of bts and kpop cus they think its just “another stupid boyband” like 1D or smth because their stupid white ass cant comprehend they have 2 asian sisters and that one of them maybe miss her fucking race and hate her life so fucking much that the only thing she’s doing right now is to watch anime and kpop 24/7 bc that’s the only thing she can escape to

ugh i always hate ranting like this cus when i’ve revovered i will cringe so much and i will regret everything i’ve said and i will act fine and i just wanna forget that this ever happened and euw. i just REALLY hate white people and seeing bts would honestly make me so happy. i have a goal of travelling back to china when i have the money but its so far away, im broke, and my parents would rather spend the money on greece for the 6th time than visiting the place i was born SO WHEN I SAID SEEING BTS WOULD GIVE ME ENOUGH DOPAMIN TO SURVIVE ANOTHER YEAR I WASNT FUCKING LYING I NEED SMTH TO HOLD ONTO!! I NEED ASIANS IN MY LIFE GOD DAMN IT

and i HATE that white people take it so personally like my dad is so fkn stupid he must think being schizo cus really cant understand the difference between individuals and groups so when i be lile ”i hate u” and ”ily” he’s like ???? 😭😭😭 god i dont even know if i love em anymore tbh, theyre THAT fkn dumb and then i dont even wanna IMAGINE other adoptive parentS OMG like no wonder so many adoptees grow up with HUGE internalized racism issues smhhh thats sad af cus they be turning their back on their poc cousins just to fit in and be loved by their parents 😭😭😭 rip