#OH FUCK IF ITS RORAN ITS SUCH SHITTY TIMING

[concha-de-mar]

WHAT DO YOU MEAN A SHIP IS COMING?!

[dragon-for-the-day]

I want to do something, anything with out the sinking dread in my stomach, it happens so much I know it better then I know myself at this point, It doesn’t matter what I do, what I'm trying to do or anything its just always there and its never what I want, nothing ever is, no matter how hard I try, its never enough and i’m slowly dying. Not on the outside but on the inside, I'm slowly just melting away, for weeks now all I do is school, the one video game I play (Which mind you I only play 30 minutes of before rage quitting) and stick to my mom like glue because I have nothing else better to do and if I'm left alone I'll hurt myself or just sit there crying. I can’t do anything, even things I desepratally  want to do. Its just beyond me and slowly but surely I’m just getting numb, I just don’t care anymore. I guess this is how it starts, how all adults just shut down and curl up and stop feeling and acting like normal people. Everything you want is impossible and your goals are stupid jokes. All that matters is making enough money to survive and take care of those who need you to. If you can find someone to suffer with all the better but if not I guess we all just go the same way, slowly but surely shutting down and giving up. Theres no purpose to anything I do anymore but I'm to lazy and tired to do anything, so I get up and do what I'm told and eat junk food because I don’t care that I'm fat anymore. I don’t care about anything, I might miss my chance to register for classes next year and I don't care. I have no friends and I don’t care, its better that way, I'm a shitty friend. I have two wonderful lovers who I don’t deserve, I can’t treat either of them right. They deserve so much better and I just can't give it to them. I need a friend to talk to but I don't have any of those, the last one won't talk to me and is avoiding me so I guess she is done with me to. which is fair. I hope she finds some happiness, she deserves it, but I can’t help but be sad, I miss her. I miss them all, Sammy, Alison, Shea, Damon, D, Liam, Cecil... oh god Cecil I miss you so fucking much, I miss getting on call for hour and just laughing about how annoying our head mates are, it was fun, you were so much fun. Why do I have to be such a toxic person? Its so annoying, I just want some friends, someone to talk to and not feel like a burden or like they don't understand anything I say. But I don't, so I talk to Eli till he blocks me out and just kind of talk at Gabe because he’s broken and doesn't respond anymore, Ari isn't a good listener and Silas has his hands full so I sit in my own head and suck it up, I feel like such a waste of space even in my own home, there are 25+ presents under the tree and none of them are for me, I feel like such a burden on my own family, even my brother isn't spending time with me, I miss him to. So I just glue myself to my mom and hope that based on motherly instinct she can't ditch me. I even watch her tv shows and listen to her trash talk mine. Anything is better then being alone in the shrine of my failures (My room) or out side in the post apoctiphllc hell our yard has become. I would pay someone to be my friend right now, I can afford it for a little while, I could pay to have a friend and maybe that would work for a little while. Because the dog won’t hang out with me.

I’m so scared of losing the internet but I'm not sure why, I don't do anything on here anymore, I have no purpose, no goals, no hobbies, all I do is rewatch old youtube videos and look at art, but I'm so scared because then my chances of ever finding new people shrinks even more and I really want to try, once I learn how anyway. I don’t want to loose it and Overwatch and youtube, iv done everything I can and it still doesn't feel like enough, its never enough, everything is still falling apart, it watching my own life die and not even reaching out to stop it, i’m letting my world drown and just enjoying the look of the water, but I mean I guess thats fine so long as I’m in a good mood, I don't want to hurt anyone and sadness hurts people so I'm trying not to. Not to tell people or show them or anything. I want those four people I care about to be happy, and everyone else really I just have nothing to do with them.

But then I feel bad because I remember that I have a roof over my head and a bad to sleep on and people that love me so I should just shut up and take it, shut up and give anything I have left, I'm supposed to help and I'm sorry I just don’t have very much energy, I'll work on it I swear. Maybe if I turn my karma around something will change, maybe I'm still paying for something. Maybe I still have work to do. I’m trying I swear its just so hard to do anything when you just don’t want to. Even breath, if I stop breathing it will stop hurting and that sounds so nice, let the world be, let it go on without my, my pain, my hurt, it might save people. It might save me. I don’t know how i’m supposed to go forward I don’t know how to do anything, I keep trying but it doesn't work, I mean apparently I am pretty good at coping Monet paintings but other then that. Everything I try turns to ash. I’m running out of ideas I just want a purpose or at least someone else purpose to tag along on, anything really. I’d give almost anything for that, I'd do anything anyone asked right now. I haven't eaten anything but salad in days because mom told me to eat mom salad so I did and she says she's proud of m so its worth it. Its all worth it if they pay attention to me. I’ll be anything you need, anyone.

I wish I was Roran again, Then I had a purpose, a goal, a skill, respect, love, I was on the winning side or a rebellion, I was a warrior, a leader, a father. I want to be that again, important. Any of my kin types actually, even Pinky Pie, Im ashamed of it but I'd prefer that.

Im sorry, I'm not really talking to anyone, I know no one really follows me, I’m just saying it so it exists I guess. Maybe someday someone will read it and understand, maybe Cecil will see it, maybe any of them will. I don't know. I don't know what I’m trying to do. Floundering as usual I guess.