#OBNOXIOUSLY LONG SONG TITLE CAGE MATCH!

[falloutbridge]

get busy vs. slept

I used to obsess over living Now I only obsess over you Tell me you'd like boys like me better In the dark lying on top of you This has been said so many times that I'm not sure if it matters

Someone old No one new Feeling borrowed Always blue I found the cure to growing older

[elitehoe]

Full Gear Predictions

BUY IN

Best Friends vs The Factory. How many times I gotta say I'm not rooting for that man QT. Besties for the win.

Eddie Kingston vs Jun Akiyama. I'm here for a damn good time ok. Either winner will please me

Ricky Starks vs Brian Cage. Ricky Starks next question.

MAIN SHOW

Chris Jericho vs Bryan Danielson vs Claudio Castagnoli vs Sammy Guevara. First off it's diabolical I keep having to see Bryan wrestle Jericho and Sammy on aew television. With that being said if Bryan loses another ppv match I'm going to move into a cave and never talk to anyone again.

Wardlow vs Samoa Joe vs Powerhouse Hobbs. Bitch big beefy men slapping meat that's what I want and that's what I will be seeing. Fuck the result, I'm here for the tiddies.

Jeff Jarrett and Jay Lethal vs Sting and Darby Allin. It's really nice of TK to give me a 20 minute intermission like I know I'm going to be an anxious mess waiting for the Elite or completely ruined from the Elite match so this is just so sweet of TK to give me an intermission!!!!

Jade Cargill vs Nyla Rose. I've predicted this to be one of my favorites. I want to see murder mommy Jade go absolutely feral, but I want Nyla to come out with the win. My original pick to dethrone Jade was Kris Stat, but as there has been no news on her recovery, I'll take Nyla for the win. Nyla and Stat can run it back at I don't know, Revolution this time for the TBS title.

Elite vs Death Triangle. Welcome home my loves!!! I want to see pure disastrous fashion, I want you to be loud, flashy, annoying and obnoxious upon your return. I hope you lose tho, love you ❤️❤️ !!!

Toni Storm vs Jamie Hayter. Jamie deserves this win and her first feud should be Britt to finally solidify herself against Britt and Rebel. If Toni retains its for the simple fact that they want to pick up with Toni vs Thunder once she returns, which is fine, but Jamie really does deserve this win.

Jungle Boy vs Luchasaurus. Here for the violence, here for all of the violence. I want to see them go at it, I want to feel like I'm watching jurassic park.

Britt Baker vs Saraya. I know Britt will take care of Saraya, which does calm my nerves a little, but I am wishing Saraya all the best vibes and luck during this match. I'm rooting for a good healthy safe match for both women!

The Acclaimed vs Swerve In Our Glory. Swerve goes feral and ends up costing Keith the match, which can hopefully give me the Swerve vs Keith feud I've been craving. Billy's hands magical heal so he can scissor his boys and the crowd can sing my favorite song.

Jon Moxley vs MJF. Max is winning and it is a well deserved win, I always pictured Max as champ after Hangman's reign. There was lots of obstacles to this, but Max will finally be champ and thats all that matters. Mox has been on another level this year and I'm giving him all his flowers, but as much as I love champ Mox he doesn't need this win. He also deserves a long vacation with his girls!

[closetofanxiety]

Show review: TLCV (Tables, Ladders, Chairs, and Viruses)

It’s been an age since I reviewed a WWE show, but I actually watched this one from start to finish. So why not write some disjointed thoughts about it on my way to the grave? Let’s take a look at the show that really drove home the old “card is subject to change” adage!

Sasha Banks vs. Alicia Fox

This was the “preshow” match, which, since everything is shown on the network now anyway, doesn’t make a lot of sense except to make whoever wrestles in this slot feel bad. Today’s feel-badders: Sasha and Alicia, feuding for some reason. Alicia’s crazy and has a bad t-shirt. Sasha now firmly ensconced in what used to be the Nattie Role: reliable performer in the women’s division chugging along on the low side of the midcard. This match is fine. Fox hits two of those spectacular Northern Lights suplays. Sasha locks in the Banks Statement to win.

Rating: Two Viral Infections.

Asuka vs. Emma

This was something of a bungled opportunity. They’ve been hyping Asuka for weeks as this unstoppable force - NO ONE IS READY FOR ASUKA - and then her debut main roster match is a 50-50 10 minute Standard Issue Raw Match. What was the point of this? Surely the whole reason to have Emma as her debut opponent is to give Asuka someone to squash en route to solidifying her reputation as a Rare Badass (nothing against Emma, it’s just obvious WWE has nothing for her to do). The match was fine, but it did nothing to establish Asuka as anything beyond another member of the roster who nearly lost a couple of times to Emma. 

Rating: Two Viral Infections.

Musical Interlude: Elias tries to sing a song to the ingrates of Minneapolis, but then Jason Jordan throws fresh produce at him for some reason. This is 1,000 percent a Vince McMahon thing. Whenever people defend Vince McMahon to me, I understand how Donald Trump became president. Anyway, I like Elias now. Because people HATE him and boo the hell out of him, which is such a rare reaction nowadays. He’s really tapped into a widespread disgust with buskers!

Cedric Alexander and Rich Swann vs. Brian Kendrick and Jack Gallagher

This was a hoot. I would have started the show with this fast-paced spotfest instead of that Asuka-Emma misfire. The crowd, as usual, didn’t really get into the match except for the nutty high spots, mostly courtesy of Alexander and Swann. Holy frijole, Cedric Alexander is so good: he moves like an animator’s version of human perfection. Swanny gave a little shoutout to his good lady wife Su Yung with a nutso diving senton off the apron. Here’s a secret: 205 Live is currently the best WWE TV show. Good guys win, as it should be.

Rating: Three and a half Viral Infections.

Raw Women’s Championship Match: Alexa Bliss (c) vs. Mickie James

Three of the four matches so far have been women’s matches, so good for WWE. This is the best match of those three: there’s good chemistry between Bliss and James. Bliss is transcendent as the obnoxious humiliatrix heel, and James really works best these days as the wholesome babyface. People want to cheer for her. People have complained about the fact that the gist of this angle is Alexa ragging 38-year-old Mickie James for being “old,” but that is a real thing in the entertainment industry: at 26, Bliss is practically middle-aged for Hollywood. That’s a gross reality of our world, and it makes sense to have a heel take advantage of that. People who want heels to not be assholes are puzzling. Anyway, this is a good back and forth, playing on the old experience vs. youth angle, with a couple of near falls for James. Bliss wins with a DDT, which I like; that should be a move that ends matches. James does a nice emotional babyface interview after losing the match and gets a good ovation from the crowd.

Rating: Three Viral Infections.

Musical Interlude: Elias is back and he’s trying to sing again. But then Vince McMahon’s id Jason Jordan comes back to throw more produce at him. Fresh produce, too, good healthy stuff for growing bodies. 

WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match: Kalisto (c) vs. Enzo Amore

Enzo Amore’s voice is shot. He sounds like he has a hellacious chest cold. ANOTHER VICTORY FOR TEAM VIRAL INFECTION?? No, he’s going to gut it out and wrestle fluke champion Kalisto. It was a weird move to take the title off Enzo when he was being built up as a deeply irritating heel champion and just getting some momentum for 205 Live, and they rectify that mistake here after a so-so match in which both guys work hard for a mostly indifferent crowd. Enzo cheats to win, which is how it should be. Hopefully now they’ve gotten insulting Neville out of their system, things can go back to normal.

Rating: Two Viral Infections.

The Demon Finn Balor vs. AJ Styles

This was a last-minute change to the card, as The Demon was originally supposed to wrestle Sister Abigail in what would surely have been a discount Halloween Havoc spooktacular had it not been for Bray falling victim to A VIRAL INFECTION. Instead, on almost no notice, we get a bonkers indie dream match pitting two former Bullet Club leaders against each other.

One thing that impressed me was how over these guys are with the normies. The crowd was absolutely batshit for the entirety of this match, and solidly behind both guys. There were even “Too Sweet” chants, because the Bullet Club is for norms now. Vince resisted this kind of thing for DECADES, despite the success of people like CM Punk and Daniel Bryan, and it was instructive to see that the match people were most excited about featured two guys who happen to be amazing wrestlers with a lot of charisma. That’s how stars are made! Not by having guys throw vegetables at buskers. 

The match itself was, for various reasons, not the ultimate demonstration of what these guys can do, but it was very, very good: AJ showed no sign of the jet lag he must have been feeling, and Finn worked his ass off to make the match feel special. Crucially, too, it didn’t feel long or labored: if anything, they left people wanting to see more, which is again, something you’d think the WWE would understand is a good thing. 

Finn wins clean after hitting the Coup de Grace, and they too-sweet each other in the ring FOR THE NERDS OUT THERE. Hopefully this is not the last time they’ll meet.

Rating: Four Viral Infections.

Jason Jordan vs. Elias

Finally, the blowoff to this massive feud that had been building since like 7:30 p.m.! Proud of the WWE for not putting a women’s match in the death spot here, but that means it’s Jordan and Elias who have to bear the indignity of putting on a perfectly good wrestling match in front of a crowd that couldn’t care less. They do fine, considering there’s no juice to this match. Both guys can probably be really good in the near future. The ending felt either flubbed - the ref counted three although Elias clearly kicked out - or deliberately goofy to set up, sigh, another match between these two. Hope it’s a Vegetables On a Pole match.

Rating: Two and a half Viral Infections.

TLC Match: Kurt Angle, Dean Ambrose, and Seth Rollins vs. The Miz, Sheamus, Cesaro, Braun Strowman, and Kane

Angle was a last-minute replacement for VIRUS VICTIM Roman Reigns and that felt completely nuts. Angle hasn’t wrestled in WWE in 11 years, and is one bad bump away from paralysis, thanks to his lifetime of breaking his neck over and over. Part of the tension in this match would be in seeing whether our beloved Olympic Hero ended the night badly injured. Wrestling is fun!

The first 10 minutes of this was a chaotic blast, with the whole thing instantly becoming a free-for-all. There were some really great moments, like when Seth and Dean jumped from ladders onto Braun and Kane lying on announce tables.

And then it started to slow down. Angle got “hurt” and was helped to the back by trainers. The bad guys spent what felt like three hours beating nine bells of shit out of Dean and Seth. Kane was preposterously presented as the star of the heel team. A fight between Kane and Braun was teased. They wandered to the back. There was a garbage truck. A real split in the heel team happened, and everyone ganged up on Brong Strongman. They put the Brongster in the back of the garbage truck and turned on the trash compactor, killing the wrestler Braun Strowman. RIP Braun Strowman. It’s legal in Minnesota to kill a guy in the context of a wrestling match, I guess. 

Anyway, only The Miz seemed horrified by having participated in a gruesome murder, and pretty soon things started up again. Angle came back out and Angle Slammed guys. There were tables, there were ladders, and oh yes - there were chairs. Empires rose and fell. Great loves blossomed and then withered. We watched our children grow into adulthood and supplant us in the world. Human life, in all its madcap splendor, somehow persisted.

The good guys won, which is fine. This gives The Miz and Co. the opportunity to say they have not yet been beaten by The Shield. This wasn’t a “good” match, in the grand scheme of things, but it never really became truly dull: even the boring parts were weirdly compelling. Kind of like a PG version of a Cage of Death match, which is fine. It wasn’t a bad way to end the PPV. For us, a night of fun. For Kurt Angle, an emotional return. For Braun Strowman, a grisly death at the hands of Knox County mayoral candidate Glenn Jacobs. It’s OK. There will be other PPVs. The cosmic wheel still turns. Except for Braun Strowman, who is dead.

Rating: Three Viral Infections.