#Not to mention I don't know how I'd differentiate it from this one since I wanna change this one to pink lol

[shirakow]

pairing ㅤ; ㅤtartaglia clone x sub male reader . part 1

warnings ㅤ; ㅤdub-con , mentions of cheating but they're not really cheating , overstimulation , hair pulling , blindfolds , degradation , praise , use of nicknames , and the real ajax sees you two .

“Childe. What the fuck am I looking at right now.” You didn't expect to come home and see this, of all things. Childe awkwardly laughed, shrugging and scratching his cheek using his index finger, “Well, how'd you think I reacted when I saw him...” He pointed, gesturing towards the clone of him, standing a few steps behind.

The clone innocently waved, giving you a toothy grin while you could only sigh and grumble in annoyance. “I've already dealt with a handful of shit from Kaeya, and now you too?” You ran a hand through your hair before going towards the kitchen with Childe and well, other Childe following after. “Babe, I swear I've tried everything to get rid of him!” He whined like a child.

Funny, Childe is acting like a child.

You plopped the bags on the kitchen aisle and turned around to lean against it while switching gazes between Childe and his clone. It was very easy to differentiate the two. And no, You didn't have some sort of boyfriend radar so big to easily spot which one's which from a twin guessing game.

The clone is what Childe looks like in his delusion form, which means his clothes are a mixture of that of the colors black and purple.

The moment you laid eyes on the clone, your initial thought was; ‘He looks hot in that color palette.’ Tall, dark, and handsome was definitely something that kept you going.

“Have you even thought of who sent or made this?” You questioned, Childe looked at him as if he were braindead, “Do you know another psycho who likes to make puppets for a living?” You made an O shape with your mouth before you laughed. “Oh man, you must've done something to piss off Dottore.”

“That, or he just doesn't like you in general.” You kept laughing, to the point of tears forming in the corner of your eyes. Childe grumbled while crossing his arms over his chest, “Just help me think of another way to get rid of it.” He playfully glared. The clone fake gasped, feigning a hurt expression, “It? You think so lowly of me, Ajax.” He dramatically said before smirking.

You rolled your eyes, “Have you tried killing it?” Childe—no, from now on you will only refer to the original Childe as Ajax, and Childe for the clone. Ajax scoffed, “You think I haven't? We've dueled for hours, and I realized how annoying I am to fight.” He murmured in a venomous tone while glaring at Childe, who stuck his tongue out.

“Just go find how to get rid of him, please? I can't have a clone of yours watching us while we sleep.” You pushed yourself off the kitchen table and gave Ajax a quick peck on the lips before walking away to make dinner. Ajax huffed, glaring at the clone while pulling him by the collar and into the living room, “If I find out you hurt him in any way shape or form, I'll have your head.” Ajax threatened.

Childe raised his hands up in defense, “Hey, I'm your clone. Not a copycat. I feel the same way you feel about him, you think I'd hurt the person we love the most?” He glared back. Ajax stared at him, before rolling his eyes and pushing him away harshly, “Don't say we as if they're yours too, I'm the original Ajax and only I could say those words.” He snarled.

Childe ooh'ed before chuckling, ”I'm so scared...” He teased. Ajax groaned and walked towards the door, “I'll be back in a few, babe. Don't hesitate to kill the bastard if he tries anything!” He yelled as he exited their humble abode. You snickered at his closing statement.

it'd already been a few minutes since Ajax decided to go out, and the only thing Childe has done during those few minutes was stare at you while you made dinner. Though you enjoyed the silence—you could only wish you felt the same about his gawking.

You kneeled and placed the bowl in the cooker before dusting your hands off on the apron you wore, having enough of Childe's staring. “So, are you just gonna stare at me?” You asked, hanging the apron on the wall. Childe laughed, and you heard him making his way towards you.

“How can I not. To think that a person as wonderful as you has become mine...” He suddenly wrapped his arms around your waist and gave you a quick kiss to the neck. You huffed and swatted his face away, “Enough, you're just a clone. Nothing you say or do will make me feel an—” You were cut off when Childe made your head turn to face him using his index finger and placed a deep kiss on your lips.

You, engulfed by shock, only stood there as the gears in your head slowly turned. Childe licked your bottom lip for entrance, and only then did you realize what he had done. You pulled away with a slight flush to his cheeks, “Stop, you're only a clone, n—” you mewled when Childe's hand suddenly clasped your hardening cock.

“Is that how you truly feel about me? A clone?” Childe hummed in amusement, leaning down to press soft kisses on your neck while his hands rubbed you through your pants. You panted against Childe's hold and placed your hand over Childe's bigger one, in a shaming attempt to hinder his actions. “Y-Yes, you're just a stupid clone...” Your voice a mere whisper at this point.

Your futile attempts at stopping Childe only added more friction to your aching cock which caused you to let out a soft cry. The ginger laughed into his ear, “Really? Then, can a clone do this?” Without any warning, his gloved hand went into your pants and pulled your hard cock out, only to pump it at a quick pace.

You threw your head back with a harsh gasp, gripping onto Childe's hand tighter while biting your bottom lip. Childe grinned widely at your reaction, his own cock springing to life at the lewd sight. Fuck did it feel so amazing. Having Childe jerk you off felt so fucking good. Your eyes shut closed and squirmed in Childe's hold, panting heavily as you tried your best not to fuck yourself into the harbingers hand.

“Mm, why are you denying this pleasure, sweetheart?” Childe murmured, using his free hand to turn your head to face him, “No matter how much you try and deny it—I'm still the man you fell in love with, clone or whatnot...” His hot breath tickled your quivering lips, before he captured it into a sloppy kiss.

You moaned into his mouth, your body finally relaxing against his hold and slowly began to accept the clone's lust. Your hand reached up to hold onto Childe's biceps for support and pressed your ass against the other's growing hardon. It was now Childe's turn to moan, a smirk forming on his lips.

“That's my boy...” He whispered into your kiss-swollen lips, Childe's tongue forced it's way inside the other's mouth as he explored it to his hearts content. You squeezed Childe's bicep tighter, a muffled moan escaping your lips as you felt your stomach churn a familiar feeling. Childe pulled away with a string of saliva connecting their lips together, laughing as he gazed down on your cock.

“That's it, cum for me baby...” He whispered, a groan following right after when you pressed your ass harder against Childe's clothed dick. Your eyes rolled to the back of your head and finished with a loud moan, body convulsing as you came all over Childe's hand. You panted for air, vision hazy from the pleasure. “You came so much... Makes me wonder if your Ajax knows how to please you well.” Childe blew air into your ear, making you shiver.

Childe chuckled and nuzzled into your neck, “Don't rest yet, I still have to cum you know?” In no time, a blindfold was wrapped around your eyes as you felt yourself get bent over the kitchen aisle. Your breath hitched when you felt a cold rush of wind hit your ass, stating that your pants had already been disregarded into some corner.

“I could get off to the sight of you bent over any day.” He teased, as you heard him unzip his pants. You gulped a lump down your throat, your hands trailing up the cold kitchen aisle and went to grip on the edge, bracing yourself for what's about to come.

Childe hummed, rubbing himself in between your ass cheeks. The other male shivered, whimpering a tad as he felt himself grow hard once more. Childe's eyes admired your figure, up from your toned shoulders, and down to your plump ass, aching and ready to be fucked.

He smirked and licked his lips at the sight, “D'you want it?” Childe asked, rutting the tip of his shaft against your hole. You wanted to say no, or shake your head in general—but fuck you wanted it so badly, so you remained silent. Childe tutted at your response, “Ah ah ah! Don't give me the silent treatment now.” You gasped when your ass was met with a sharp slap.

“I asked you a question, answer it.” Childe demanded with a snarl. You felt so disgusting, to think you actually liked that of all things? You panted heavily, squirming against him when Childe's hold on your hips tightened, holding you in place. “Answer me, pretty boy. Or I'll actually be convinced that you like getting spanked.” Another slap to the ass.

Your back arched, a sharp gasp escaping your lips. Childe leaned forward and pressed his toned chest against your sweaty back, “Naughty boy...” He let out a sultry laugh. You had enough, not wanting your pride to be shattered anymore by this stupid clone of Ajax's. “F-Fuck, just put it in already—!” As if that were the trigger—Childe harshly plunged himself deep inside your ass.

The two of them moaned, but your voice overpowered Childe's, having not expected the sudden intrusion after all. You shook violently on the kitchen aisle, gripping at the edge tighter and felt tears well up in the corners of your eyes at the pain. Childe noticed this and gently painted your shoulders with kisses along with some whispers of sweet nothings into your ear. Quite the contrast to his behavior a few moments prior.

It ranged from, “You're doing so good baby...” to “Feels so good to have you around my cock...” And everything that went out of this mans mouth was enough to send shivers of delight down your spine. You slowly relaxed under him and pushed your hips back, only to moan in pleasure at the feeling.

Childe grinned against your shoulder and pulled out completely, before going back in harshly. You arched your back and screamed when Childe has already hit your prostate dead on. “Mmm, found it...~” He cooed and continued his hard thrusts right off the bat, the tip of his shaft hitting every right spot inside you. Childe stood up straight and placed a hand over your head, pressing your face hard against the table, but not enough to suffocate you of course.

Your mouth fell open as more moans escaped your kiss-swollen lips. The feeling of Childe's member filling you up to the brim was enough to send you over the edge, the sound of your skins slapping together, the sound of Childe's lewd moans—fuck you could get used to this.

Childe thrusts grew faster, his nails digging at the soft flesh of your waist as he pulled at it to meet with his own thrusts. You felt his legs giving out, and your cock twitched beautifully when a thought suddenly entered your head; How would Ajax react to this when he gets home?

Sure it was a clone of his, but it still wasn't him. And Your knows that Ajax could be a little... Possessive at times, and it often led to rough sex that would last hours, but how exactly would he react to this? God the thought excited you, weirdly enough.

You moaned loudly when your hair got pulled back, and now you was no longer bent over the kitchen aisle, instead you were met with Childe's toned chest pressed against your back. “F-Fuck... You like that? Getting your hair pulled like this?” Childe chuckled in his ear, teasingly tugging at his hair again.

You mewled, your hand travelling down to your stomach, feeling the small bulge that appeared everytime Childe thrusted inside of you. This didn't go over Childe's radar though, and he laughed loudly, he placed his hand over your smaller one and pressed at your stomach, causing you to moan when the tip of his cock was forced to hit your prostate again.

“You're such a good boy for me, baby... So fucking good for me...” Childe's hand trailed down lower and clasped around your twitching dick, before pumping it to the speed of his thrusts. Your eyes rolled to the back of your head, your mouth falling open with drool escaping past your lips.

You felt so good. So overstimulated. And so sinful. You felt like this was cheating, after all—this wasn't truly your lover. Childe used his free hand to turn your head to the side and gave you a wet kiss, his tongue swirling inside your mouth while his thrusts grew sloppier upon closing in on his release.

The two of you pulled away from each other, as Childe chuckled. “Enjoying the view, Ajax?” Your eyes snapped open, panic settling in at the mention of your lovers name, alerting you of his presence.

“A-Ajax?” You managed to stutter out, and tried to struggle against Childe's hold but was pushed down the kitchen aisle once more, and was fucked against it while Ajax watched silently.

You cried, toes curling when your built up pleasure finally popped as you released all over the table. Childe gave a few more thrusts and came inside of your ass, filling you up to the brim, so much where your essence dripped down your shaking legs and onto the floor. You panted, body convulsing at the hard finish.

You gulped, and pushed yourself up after a few seconds of rest, “A-Ajax...” You whispered, completely out of breath. Your arms were just about to give out on you when suddenly a hand got a handful of your hair, holding your head in place. “I must say, out of all the possibilities I thought of happening, this definitely wasn't one of them.” Ajax said in a grim voice, and you could feel the piercing glare he sent you.

“I'm very disappointed,” he said in a dark tone, you winced when Childe pulled out of you, and slowly thrusted back inside. “Though, I won't deny it...” Ajax's eyes diverted from your lust-filled expression, to Childe still full of energy, up and ready for round two. “... Watching you get fucked by a replica of me was such a turn on.” He chuckled as he lifted two of his fingers and used it to play with your tongue, you moaned and sucked on his fingers obediently.

“How about you finally let me in on the fun, hmm?” Ajax hummed, following by a mischievous laugh which sent a shiver down your spine.

© SHIRAKOW ㅤ; ㅤim cleaning out my drafts, this was made in like 2023 so dont mind if its incredibly messy. not proofread.

ㅤ

[derangedfujoshi]

What makes, say, a pokemon "shota"-coded? And is it harder or easier to clock compared to human shotas? You've really enthralled me and I'd appreciate any answer! No pressure, though, I just like to learn as much as I can on any given subject and you're so consise and understandable! Thank you either way!

OMG! I'm super glad to hear the way I explain things makes sense to others too and not only to me! I always try to be very concise and simple when yapping because I want my inner reasoning to come through but I always fear sounding crazy so qhaidkfkf really thank you for your kind and reassuring words!

NOW shotamon are EXTREMELY difficult to categorise! With humans it's super easy (aside from a few odd cases) but with critters can be UGHHH A PAIN!! Because you see, unlike with humans, here height has little to no relevance because we go on design alone since at times a pkmn that looks like a shota turns out to be super tall or so small no human could be that height. For example:

Ledian (left) is 140cm tall!! WOULD YOU HAVE GUESSED THAT THAT THING WAS ONLY 16cm SHORTER THAN ME???? While Ribombee (right) is 20cm!! Yet they both classify as shotas to me because they have those cute proportions with big heads huge eyes and LOOK smol enough!

One thing that is pretty easy to do is spot a pkmn that's clearly "too adult like", for example:

Inteleon (left) and Obstagoon (right) are NOT shota shaped, we can ascertain that by their limbs for example! They both have equally long arms and legs and their torso is pretty long too! Not to mention their heads are more well proportioned compared to the rest of their bodies! For instance here's what an "adult" looking pkmn looks like next to one I'd call a shota

You can see how proportions play a key part in their designs and of course this was intentional, Mew needed to look cute and adorable whilst Mew Two more like an intimidating version resembling vaguely the original! Again, note how the heads are one well proportioned to the body and another is way too big. A bigger head is always used in animation to represent kids and child-like characters, you see one and connect it to youth, the same as bigger eyes are made like that to make a character look cuter and more child-like!

One other reason why I did not look for height when sorting pkmn is because at times, some of those with a height that would've been perfect on a human, just did NOT look like shotas at all. For example:

Mienshao (left) and Sneasel (right) are respectively 140cm and 90cm, both heights would've qualified a human character to be a shota but they just don't LOOK like ones. They both have very long limbs and a sharp edge to them that you can see in their faces/eyes/paws(?) they lack that softness that is so typical of shotas. Maybe Sneasel could still be considered one but honestly I can't see it.

Next up is the fact that some pkmn just... Looks like animals (or Stuff)! For example:

Regular Ponyta doesn't look like a shota to me, it looks like a horse GALARIAN Ponyta on the other hand absolutely reads like a shota! And if you look closely the Galarian one has shorter, more stylised limbs, a bigger head and huuuge eyes compared to the og one!

Lastly, how did I differentiate between PokéShota and PokéKodo? Let me tell you it was difficult at times! Generally for a Kodo I tried to go for those designs that seemed more... Compressed? Like, those that had NO legs at all, not much limbs' length? Here's an example:

Whismur (left) was categorised as a kodo while Alolan Vulpix as a shota. See how Whismur has essentially no limbs? Just a big head with paws? Vulpix on the other hand still has a "normal" aspect with short but there limbs attached to the body.

And yes, I did put Eevee in the kodo section instead of the shota because... It gave off child-like wonder, I don't know really, one could probably put in the shota section as well because, again, with critters the lines kinda blur at times and a lot is based on vibes although there's still some logic and patterns to it!!

I really hope I explained my self thoroughly and that I didn't bore you, Anny! Thank you so much for giving me a reason to yap yap yap about my thought process, I hope you liked it and that you'll have a wonderful day \⁠(⁠๑⁠╹⁠◡⁠╹⁠๑⁠)⁠ﾉ⁠♬

[dead-girl-prolific]

Ticci Toby + Personality Disorders and Mood Disorders

this is based off of @necroromantics post, i felt very inspired to share my thoughts on it, although it took me about 3-4 days to get done i had a lot of fun!

this is mainly about BPD and ASPD(one mention because i don't know a lot about ASPD as a whole) as far as personality disorders go, i know the most about those when it comes to personality disorders. out of mood disorders, to stay relevant to the original post it'll just be the two types of Bipolar disorder.

I chose these three disorders as my topic because they are the most common headcanon for his character(and my headcanons).

PSA:

SOME OF THIS INFORMATION COULD BE OUTDATED, i haven't researched Bipolar in 2-3 years so if anything is wrong i'd like to address the fact that i am NOT a professional! also some/most of this is personal experiences and researches i've done!

now that that's out of the way. let's start rambling!

What is bipolar disorder?

From someone whos lived with both parents struggling with BD (Bipolar Disorder) (my mom shows heavy signs of it, but is not diagnosed, my dad is) it is very much possible i could have it too, but both BPD and BD have a lot in common but are still very different (symptoms). They both have severe mood swings, They share some symptoms, such as depression and impulsive behavior. The main thing that separates them is that BPD is a Personality disorder and Bipolar is a Behavioral Mood Disorder. BD is characterized by periods of extreme highs and lows, known as manic and depressive episodes. BPD affects how individuals perceive and interact with the world around them.

They are very hard to differentiate in a patient and people usually get misdiagnosed, the symptoms are VERY similar which is why it isn’t common to diagnose minors. (it’s not impossible to be diagnosed with both as a minor.) (this is what my doctors have shared with me)

a little tangent- my dad was diagnosed with BD at a very young age (i’d say 12 or/to 16) and it was only diagnosed because he had several…”episodes” (he broke several laws and maybe/probably committed a few felonies.) i don’t know much about my dad’s past, but from what my grandpa and him have told me he’s been bailed out of jail/juvie a lot. He was not medicated because he didn’t like what the medications did to him, so that’s probably why he was so “EXTREME”.

His episodes lasted for a while sometimes 3-4 months or less, but my episodes (i have BPD) can last a few months as well(but around 2-3 months), because of clinical depression(major depressive episodes) which is a huge symptom of BPD, the longest episode i’ve had was maybe two and a half months and it happens a lot about once-twice a year, with no rhyme or reason. i'm looking into getting diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder because i have a lot of symptoms that concern me, but it's possible i was misdiagnosed with BPD(i doubt it because of the symptoms i experience) it is very much possible i could have both, which is why i need to figure it out, it's dangerous for me to not be medicated properly.

Does Toby canonically have bipolar?

If you don’t know enough about something (BD) you shouldn’t create a character with said things (BD) or at least do research before. In my opinion Toby has a personality disorder, although I cannot quite pinpoint which. If i could psycho-analyze (it’s been a while since i’ve taken a full blown look at the entirety of the character.) he most likely struggles with Bipolar but it was misdiagnosed with BPD he also shows some symptoms and traits of someone with ASPD. TECHNICALLY he has canonical BPD through his behavior, but the creator of his character "misdiagnosed" him and gave him Bipolar disorder, but it's totally okay to headcanon him with something else (or something more "fitting") or just projecting, all of it is fine to some extent.

Do you headcanon Toby to have bipolar?(or a personality disorder)

Yes, to put it simply he has potential to be a multi-faceted character, and I know a lot of people like to project onto creepypasta characters in general, as a coping skill. Toby is also “canonically” “Bipolar” i use both of those terms loosely. As someone with (possible) Bipolar and has lived around those with Bipolar I’d be open to writing his character with Bipolar, as an informed writer I would prefer people to at least do research on the subject before making assumptions on how the character would behave/think. Overall if the character’s experience is written well I wouldn't mind reading it. I do not condone misinformation, but i do condone learning about it for a passion project such as writing. As someone who hasn’t struggled with ASPD i don’t necessarily feel comfortable writing it but if i did a decent amount of research for the character and the disorder it could change my mind as long as i get outsider viewpoints.

How to properly write Toby with bipolar?

do not romanticize it not getting treated, as someone who struggles with a disorder not getting treated, it is definitely damaging to my mental and physical health. so writing for a character who isn't being treated for something is something i'm a bit iffy on- but if you do research and don't go overboard, it could end up being really good for awareness.

(i headcanon that he was originally on medication but he didn't take into account the fact that he needs his medications, so he basically fucked himself over and regrets it (subconsciously) after a manic episode of course)

there is an author(s) who does a really good job writing his character with Bipolar/BPD if you are interested in reading their work dm me!/inbox me!

maybe write about how his work relationships would be impacted, and how his friendships would be, his romantic relationships all of it, don't just focus on "ooo i'm mentally ill" it would not only affect him but it would also impact those around him by whether or not they know about his Bipolar disorder and if they know hes having an episode.

it would probably, a few times, get him caught by the law given the fact that people with bipolar are very indecisive and it would mostly be chalked up to him being like "this is wrong, i don't want to do this anymore" to "ARSON!!!" (bad analogy but you get it) his emotions and feelings on the matter of is job would fluctuate all the time, even while he's on the job. it leads him to be erratic and spontaneous. he isn't a very reliable partner, which is why he probably only goes on single missions.

i feel like if he were to be medicated it would be at the expense of Tim's medications since toby can't get his hands on other medications that are used for mood swings and such.

What do manic episodes look like? How would they effect Toby?

"Manic episodes are very intense highs in mood and energy. Despite what people say, real manic episodes are only experienced in people with bipolar disorder" @necroromantics

this is true, as someone with BPD, my "manic" episodes depend on someone that is my FP (favorite person) and when i am not having a "high" of energy i'm usually numb and my "manic" episodes are usually only an hour long or the amount of time that i am with my FP. BPD cannot get Manic.

although there are two branches of Bipolar, Bipolar 1 which is characterized as many manic episodes and less depressive episodes but Bipolar 2 is characterized as many major depressive episodes, that usually last a lot longer than the manic episodes. (this is worded as simply)

"A very real danger of manic episodes is that some people experience co-occurring psychosis alongside their episodes, such as delusions and hallucinations." @necroromantics

another thing Toby struggles with is hallucinations of his deceased sister Lyra.

"These highs can also lead to dangerous acts due to the recklessness and lack of proper judgement on whats safe/smart in that moment. There is also hypomania, which is a lesser, more mild form of mania." @necroromantics

you are mixing up both Bipolars... they are separated (from the studies i've done/researched)

Manic Episodes-

it would all depend on how exactly he feels/ the situation and how the writer decides to portray that. (if the writer is properly informed of course)

What do depressive episodes look like? How would they effect Toby?

 "They typically last longer than manic episodes, usually about 1+ months." @necroromantics

this depends on whether or not it's Bipolar 1 or Bipolar 2, this is the "definition" of a Bipolar 2 Depressive episode. bipolar 2 episodes can occur for longer than a month, that is correct. bipolar 1 has longer manic "highs" than bipolar 2, bipolar 2 barely gets manic "highs" and when they do it's not for very long. (from what my doctors have told me/what i've seen in my dad (he has bipolar 1))

as someone who has seen these symptoms and had them i can assure you they are not fun, especially dealing with them WITHOUT proper medications, although currently i am very "manic" and getting a lot of shit done, kinda like i'm on adderall rn lol.(that's the closest comparison i can make to how I AM feeling.)

"He would probably disappear for a bit, to be left alone, because he doesn't want to be around anybody. He would spend his time sleeping as much as he can, and then the rest of his time doing proxy work, and then going back to sleep." @necroromantics

i wouldn't say sleeping is all he's doing, when i have depressive episodes (which episodes are different for everyone) i tend to go off my diet, make a lot of other regrettable decisions(EX: relapse, forget important stuff, become more "lazy" etc.) that prolong my episode. but sleep can also be affected such as; getting too much sleep or struggling with sleeping (i.e waking up every hour to every few hours).

What are mixed episodes?

 "This can look like feeling super energetic, but also horribly hopeless and depressed, or being on top of the world one minute, and then wanting to off yourself the next. They are very intense, and dangerous. It feels like you're losing your mind, and you can't catch yourself." @necroromantics

i am going to add to this. not only will you be super energetic but you'll want to do so much but have no energy to do it, like lets say you had a great art idea, oc idea, and writing idea, but you would be too unmotivated to do any of it. sometimes you can't pinpoint what to feel/what you're feeling, and that's totally okay! confusing, annoying but still its completely okay.

I'm free to answer with my personal experience, and headcanons and prior knowledge of mental health about any creepypasta characters! DM me or inbox me!

[not-poignant]

Hi Pia

I hope this question isn't too personal and please don't answer if it is. You have mentioned getting help for your adhd with medication. What medication has helped you or made the biggest difference?

I was diagnosed with adhd a year ago and was put on Elvanse but it hasn't helped and just makes me incredibly anxious and unable to focus.

I'm trying to research what other medication I could try but my doctor isn't being very helpful because according to them "adhd isn't a disability".

I'd love to be able to get some reprieve from this condition, it's destroying my life, so if you're willing to share info on what's helped you it would be hugely appreciated.

Thank you

Hiya anon,

(Medical chat and thoughts under the Read More and as I'm not a doctor and have no idea what I'm doing or talking about, I'm putting the rest under a thingo).

Unfortunately, while meds helped me work a bit better (although you know, I'm burnt out, and I'm writing the least I've written since I started writing, so actually I'm not sure that starting 'too many stories at the same time' is actually 'a bit better' than how it was before), mostly ADHD does run rampant over my life. I can't work conventional work hours, I forget important things, I have massive issues with executive dysfunction, and I zone in and out of conversations more often than I'd like.

I take Vyvanse, which - sounding from what you're taking - is probably the same thing. *googles quickly* Yep, it is.

ADHD meds are hard. It's definitely worth trying different ones, if you can, as well as different dosages (for example, a higher dose of Elvanse might work better for you, a lower dose might). There's also quick acting / fast release ADHD meds. And there's atypical meds like Atomoxetine (also known as Strattera) which some people find really good fortune with.

Finally, if you have no luck with any ADHD meds, it might be important to do a differential diagnosis with other conditions that might mimic ADHD symptoms (of which there are many mental illnesses that do this), because in those cases, you may find that the medication treatments for them help you WAY more.

Recently someone I know who has been on lithium all her life found out she was massively misdiagnosed, and actually had something else. Lithium doesn't suit almost any other condition, except for what she was diagnosed with, which explains why she never improved at all on it and actually got worse. She thought there was something wrong with her, the reality was that there was something wrong with her diagnosis. I'm not saying this is the case with you! BUT, when none of the meds work, and they all give you the opposite of what they're supposed to be doing, it is definitely worth chasing up other diagnoses. If you go to get an ADHD assessment, often those people don't look at the other potential culprits for the same symptoms, esp if they're ADHD specialists. (This is the same for just about any mental health or disorder - sometimes if you get a hammer than can only hit ADHD nails, it's going to miss the other nails.)

But yeah, it's very likely not the case for you anon, but after this other person's experience, I'd feel remiss if I don't point out that if - after a long time of trying / exhausting med options - you find you have no joy, sometimes it's because you're in the wrong 'family' of meds for what you have going on.

(I am not a doctor, just relating anecdotal stuff.)

I don't know if you'll have more luck asking your doc for specific meds. Unfortunately in Australia, ADHD is also not considered a disability, despite the fact that it is clearly disabling for hundreds of thousands of people here. I'm really sorry you're having to deal with those attitudes too, anon.

And finally, no ADHD med is perfect. It might help some things, and hinder others. But it definitely shouldn't be making things worse. It might be worth taking a bit of a holiday from the meds (if your doctor / therapist agrees) and mood tracking for a while before starting back on them, to see how bad of a difference it is.

There are unfortunately not a ton of meds specifically for ADHD. Most are variations of a similar kind of med (stimulants), and everyone has different experiences based off their chemical make-up and what they need. My sister gets really intense emotional blunting on Vyvanse, I get more emotional. We're related, and we still have pretty big differences with med responses on the same meds.

I wish I could be more help! My own life is a complete mess for the most part, I wouldn't say I'm someone who has this all figured out at all. I should be on a higher dose, but unfortunately I have other health stuff going on which means I can't be, so I'm just going to have to put up with a fair amount of disabling ADHD forever.

[lunanoc]

Hey I'm doing some fanlore edits (https://fanlore.org/wiki/Daomu_Biji) and do you have any sources for popular ships in Chinese fandom? I basically just cut it down to pingxie and heihua because those were the ones showing up in 2021 lofter data (https://hardwareabstractionlayer.tumblr.com/post/649989752761810944/the-top-100-ships-in-chinese-fandom-according-to) and like basically ONLY pingxie is on ao3 in any numbers but I'm pretty sure HuaXie was a whole big thing I just can't find a source for it... Thanks in advance!

hi! i don't know if i'm necessarily the best person to answer this question because my incursions into the chinese DMBJ fandom are very curated and basically mostly limited to pingxie spaces, so my knowledge of other ships and their hubs is pretty sparse

that being said, finding centralized hubs to get full numbers and stats from for dmbj ships historically in the chinese fandom is complicated for a number of reasons, one of them being that DMBJ is an older fandom, which means a number of fics were hosted on websites and forums that no longer exist. another is that due to the state of chinese internet, fans also host fics and fan art of ships in closed access forums that are sometimes more or less difficult to gain entry to so as to create safe spaces. that being said, there are still ways to somewhat measure the current popularity of a ship. since this is an ask, i figured i'd turn this into a small informative post if anyone is interested in a surface level overview of what's popular in the chinese fandom by comparison to the english-speaking one. just keep in mind that because of all the above reasons, this is only ever going to be an overview of what's currently popular in general and not everything that exists, because arguably probably everything exists in some capacity, and of course this is all very surface level, so i'm sure someone else could do a more in-depth deep dive, especially if they get around more

disclaimer: because i know some might take this the wrong way, to be clear this is NOT meant to spark any kind of discourse surrounding ships, nor is it here to say that some ships are "better" than others. it's purely numbers i've tried to present as objectively as possible, mostly to provide comparison between two different sides of the fandom that behave differently and have sometimes vastly differing preferences

Chinese DMBJ Fandom Ship Popularity

to start off, i think it's relevant to point out that ao3 isn't the best way to measure a ship's popularity in chinese fandoms even if it can give you a rough idea. it can get you rankings to some extent (and even then it really depends), but the numbers aren't going to be at all accurate considering ao3 isn't the platform of choice for chinese fan fiction for several reasons i won't get into here, but that i'm sure people who've been in cdrama/novel fandoms are probably aware of

so your best bet to get any sort of idea of what ships are most popular is by looking at how they rank on big public platforms, namely lofter and weibo

lofter has yearly rankings like the one OP mentioned that people talk about, and it's a fairly good way to get an idea since it's a pretty popular blogging website for fan fics and fan art. lofter isn't cooperating with me right now, but i'll be using the data compiled for end of 2023 (or as of february 2024) by this bilibili video for the 200 most popular ships on lofter. among those 200 most popular ships, 3 of them are DMBJ ships, and are ranked as follows:

XiePing (not to be confused with PingXie, because yes, chinese fandom differentiates ships by top/bottom dynamic) at #120

HeiHua at #25

PingXie at #2

no other DMBJ ships make an appearance on this list, and if nothing else, it tells you not only that both PingXie and HeiHua are by far the most popular DMBJ ships in general, but also gives you an idea of just how insanely popular DMBJ is in china overall to have three ships in the top of a general fandoms ranking

next we have weibo where getting an idea of a ship's popularity is a bit different, and there are multiple ways to do it, but one of the easiest ones to get an idea is by looking at how high a ship's super topic ranks on both the real time and weekly popularity rankings. super topics function similarly to how communities work on X and aren't tags, so not everything tagged with a ship is necessarily going to reflect what's posted in the super topic and vice-versa, but it still gives something of an idea of overall popularity. looking at the today's super topic ranking in the fictional characters category, again the same two ships show up in the rankings:

HeiHua at #23

PingXie at #5

for the sake of comparison, because it's easier to actually see figures with weibo super topics, i also looked up both other ships that do get some traction in the chinese fandom despite being less popular, as well as ships that the english-speaking fandom tends to talk more actively about (in tumblr spaces anyway)

HuaXie at #174, which has an audience, but the numbers are already very different and speak to the fact it's generally speaking a smaller ship as of now (for reference, 万 that you see on these pictures is a unit for ten thousand, so here 1.1 万= 11,000)

HeiPing (unranked), which is in somewhat of a similar situation as HuaXie, but considering HuaXie is ranked, it's safe to say that's probably the only other ship that's even remotely popular by comparison to the two giants that are PingXie and HeiHua

allXie at #160, which is less a ship and more of a bottom!wu xie enjoyers cocktail that has a little bit of everything under the sun, though is mostly a mix of wu xie being shipped with some of the main male characters (i.e. xiaoge, hei xiazi, xiao hua) as well as other more minor characters such as zhang haike notably. it's not really a thing in the english-speaking fandom, but it's worth mentioning because it does exist enough to be represented

PangXie (unranked), which is quite honestly one of the bigger contrasts between the chinese fandom and the english-speaking one in that this ship is pretty much non-existant, or at least i've never seen fan fiction for it. again, my view of things is biased because my experience is deliberately curated so it's entirely possible there are things i just don't see, but the numbers don't seem to contradict that impression

PangYun (unranked), which i'm providing here mostly because pangzi is most often shipped with yuncai (and usually as a sideship that i can tell), though these numbers aren't necessarily representative of what content exists for this ship, since most things tagged as PangYun are posted to the general DMBJ super topic. if anything this mostly gives the impression the ship doesn't have much of a dedicated following, especially given it's part of the other category rather than the fictional characters category

PingSang (unranked), which is one of the only two ships that have any kind of following that involve liu sang, is also in the other category, and along with PangXie and his other most notable ship, is most definitely a rarepair, which is another notable difference with part of the english-speaking fandom where liu sang ships tend to be both fairly popular and have active communities

CanSang (unranked), which is in yet another category (CP as in couple as in ship), though this one's rarepair status might be explained by the fact that, if you couldn't already tell, the chinese fandom has little to zero interest in secondary or minor characters, and beyond that, the core of the chinese DMBJ fandom doesn't care much for the dramas/live action adaptations and is largely centered around the books, so given the premise of this ship is based in the adaptations, it's not surprising

Iron Triangle at #65 is getting a special mention, not only because it is ranked, but also because it's not necessarily what you think. the 角色 or fictional characters category for super topics isn't limited to ships, so you also have super topics for characters on their own in it. what chinese fandom considers to be the six main DMBJ characters, aka wu xie, xiaoge, pangzi, xiao hua, hei xiazi, and huo xiuxiu, each have their own super topics that are in the top 200. the iron triangle topic is ranked, but it's more in the same vein as those, that is to say it's a gen super topic, not a ship super topic. the chinese fandom doesn't seem to be into polyships in general, so that might explain it

i'm not sure how informative this post is, since i get the feeling some of this information is either obvious or things that people already know more or less, and i'm also not sure it really answers OP's question about finding reliable sources for numbers, but it's a surface level attempt. if anyone has more in-dept knowledge or would like to add onto this with different sources or data feel free to!

[moochii-daisies]

2015.06.

- 18+, Minors DNI

Warnings - Content Contains: A smidge of blood, Lacey and MC fight (they are both mean tbh) JK and Yoongi fight, MC kinda mentions a hint of a flashback, drinking, smoking, cussing, angst - the usual. TW: SI mention, (+jk lost his v card at a young age mention) They continue going through it basically - but it won't be for long cause the next chapter is the 2015 finale!

Sidenotes: the only chapter "plan" note was "the fight". so, ta-da (pretend i'm doing jazz hands). if anyone tries the dance to amygdala please pls lemme know haha as always, thank you for reading and i hope you enjoy if you do <3

Find the rest here!

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No matter what is written next, I want to make it clear that the 9 of us each have an almond tattoo somewhere on our body - and that we got them done together years after this whole thing occurred.

     But it wasn't like Jungkook came right back inside with a smile.

     And I didn't suddenly quit dance-crying because everything was actually, Totally Fine.

     What happened was more like this -

     I was just drunk enough that it was easy to follow Lacey and Jimin's movements. But the tears hadn't stopped streaming since Jungkook had gone out front.

     Jump, cross.

     Side touch- Turn!!

     Wiggle and then -

     Some part of your body had to look like it was head-banging.

     It was during the chorus of Amygdala, and it was fast enough to be an ambitious attempt. The living room circled around me until all of the separating lines within it dissolved. Dizzy.

     I felt my arms jostle but Yoongi's voice was trying to pin me down in place - a dead bug for decoration.

     "My amygdala (my amygdala), please save me," made the same sound as an arrow whizzing through the air. A metal tip speared it's way through my chest. And I could hear Lacey and Jimin sniffing, tugging at our joined hands to wipe at their noses. Shit, we couldn't all be crying.

     I'd halted after turning, and the boundaries that differentiated between everything and everyone were slow to come back. It felt like Yoongi was trying to tell me something about himself through his lyrics. Except - it also felt like it was something about the both of us. And my brain, even in it's inebriated stupor, warped its processing so that I couldn't make any sense of it. I could go anywhere else, I thought, but I couldn't stay there.

     "I'm gonna go smoke!" - I yelled the words out and mimed along with them. Two sets of big eyes and toothy grins gleamed back at me. Their heads nodded so quickly that it looked like they were being shaken. Or I dunno, maybe that was just how it seemed.

     The escape provided sweet but brief relief.

     My dream of fresh(-ish) air was stopped dead in its tracks, two steps past the front door. First, from the tiniest icy snowflakes that were fluttering down in thick flurries. It was the first time it had snowed there in 12 years.

And then, from seeing Jungkook.

     He was sitting on the front porch couch with his knees spread wide for his elbows to rest on. His hands were pressed together in a praying position, held underneath his lower lip. Two black circles were staring and unblinking straight ahead of him. Either at something or seeing nothing.

       After a rapid twist of his neck to crack it, Jungkook tsk'd to himself before turning to stand - hands clasped behind his head. The eye contact that we made once he was standing communicated more than either of us wanted the other to know.

     "I don't want you to be - anywhere around me tonight." Thumped behind my ears.

     Bass boosted.

Well fuck.

     There was a hitch in Jungkook's swelling chest, but he carried on as if I wasn't there at all. Exhaling in one sharp burst and then turning to pace away from where I stood.

      "Maybe you should -"

     "Don't tell her what to do." Jungkook's voice sliced through Yoongi's pitched up one like a knife.

     Wait - wasn't Yoongi inside? Up on the stage? The last thing I could think of was his voice and - that thought alone stopped the oncoming train that was full of them in its tracks.

For a moment.

Then it hurtled its way through, rejuvenated.

There was no correct choice. Someone would be upset no matter what I did and I -

And I didn't know what to do.

There was just - There was no...

No correct choice.

     It felt like my eyes were crossing the more that I tried not to look at either of them, but I would have rather passed out before looking at anyone's face. Or the expressions on them.

   

It was stuck somewhere deep down within me - what to do.

If we could all just hang on a second.

If everything could just slow down.

I know I'd have been able to figure it out. If everything hadn't been so loud, and fighting to be the loudest and it's like - hang on.

     Various conversations popped up around me, noisy flowers in a field.

     A little more than ten other people were also out there on the front porch.

     My jaw clenched at the awareness and I froze, like standing still enough could prevent anyone from seeing me.

     "Baby, go inside. Please.".

     Just one blink.

And Jungkook was standing in front of me, pulling me into a hug that he wrapped around my head. I was confident that as long as he didn't move, everything would be okay. And that I was able to blink.

     Toes wiggled underneath my own as a nudge to step onto his feet. I think some part of me felt embarrassed by it, but most of me was trying not to fall off of him once we started moving. And a lot of me felt loved.

      I don't know what I felt about the freeze-frame image of Yoongi though. And how he looked so close to bursting that I could almost feel the pressure of it. Like the cold had expanded everything he was keeping bottled up within him.

     The sensations that came from Jungkook however- as he guided me to step down off of him, were warmer.

     "Bunny.".

     "My bunny.". My response was immediate, and the surrounding walls suddenly looked familiar.

     "I need you to stay inside the house. You could even smoke in the ba-" "I'll stay inside. I promise." I cut him off before he could say the full word.

      An "I'm sorry." was muffled against the top of my head.

Then there was one kiss.

     Two kisses.

     Three.

     

Jungkook and I had a habit of spotting the same piece of stable ground. Nobody could calm us faster or rattle us more than the other. For this particular interaction - it was the former. And I almost couldn't remember how the evening had started.

     How he had been sitting on his mattress on the floor of his room. And the way that our nest of blankets was swirled behind him.

Where we had been woken up just that morning. And - Holy shit, this was all the same day.

     "Look, I should probably tell you that-"

     It was a good thing he told me, really, and I wish that had been what I expressed instead.

Instead of malfunctioning and forcing out a hum. Instead of twisting two fingers behind my back to stop visual "what if"'s from catching me off guard.

     Here's the thing: I had done my best to handle the feelings that came up from Lacey being there. I really had. And I liked her. I really did. Up until the words -

     "Lacey was the first person I ever loved. And slept with." Came out of Jungkook's mouth.

     I could have been told this years ago.

     But I didn't say that .

I didn't know what to say.

The recall of the evening made the arms around me feel chokingly tight. So I went with a nod, and began taking steps backwards through the front door. The same way I had at the beginning of the party - and the same way I had after hearing those words.

A pained expression twisted at Jungkook's face.

    

     "It's kinda fucked sometimes. You get that right? Like how you smirked when I told you I needed you and that you're leaving after I tell you this."

The words spoken in that safe space followed me out of his room. And stuck with me up the stairs. And had only been swallowed down with thanks to (funnily enough) Lacey and Jimin - who had shoved their drinks to my mouth after spotting me.

      But they were trying to force their way back up as I backed away from Jungkook at the front door.

     "You don't need me to- you're probably, um - you should tell Yoongi..." I was only half-aware that I was mumbling. At least until the bump from behind me erased any notion that I had opened my mouth at all. The person turned to look at me and their face was on the cusp of being familiar. Like someone I met at a game night or something.

     All of the blood in my body was turned into ice.

     I couldn't keep looking at Jungkook - and scanned for any of the other 5 faces I could trust. Namjoon was easiest to find, towering over most of the crowd with a leopard print bucket hat (borrowed from Yoongi).

     "Baby don't-" Was either called out after me or just wishful thinking. I couldn't get the nerve to check which one it was.

No. That isn't fair. It was more like I couldn't believe that he had said it with the way I was acting. I just couldn't -

i just couldn't.

Icicles in my bloodstream were now stabbing the fist in my chest. And when Lacey's shrill voice hit my ears upon arrival, the shards of ice felt like they grew three sizes. Just the worst kind of Grinch.

I hadn't seen her in the crowd - not until she was right in front of me. The back of her head bobbled as she prattled on to Jimin, whose eyebrows looked like they were trying to lift off of his face completely. He shook his head back at least three times within my minute of standing there. Fidgeting with a strange rhythm, almost like a foxtrot (slow, slow, quick, quick).

     "MINNIE AND LACEY ARE COKED THE FUCK OUT." Namjoon bellowed the words into my ear and I forgot why he needed to yell until my brain allowed Yoongi's music to be heard again. His words weren't sinking in. So I gave him a quizzical look, at which he pointed towards the two and mimicked a snorted inhale. Turned out the sniffing from earlier was -not- from all of us crying.

     Jimin was wearing a thin, long-sleeved white t-shirt, black jeans and Chelsea boots. The red heart that Tae had helped him embroider onto the shirt was matched with a single, dangling heart earring. It swung from his left ear with every scrambled motion. Glittering as he rubbed at his chin or whenever his head tilted back to take a swig from his cup.

I gulped to finish the rest of my own.

     Lacey, on the other hand, had gotten dolled up. Wearing a sequined body-con dress that was mermaid colored. The blue, jewel toned parts now matched all of her hair - instead of just underneath its top layers. Two sparkling seashell earrings followed the rapid motions of her head, she was following Minnie's darting glances. She was also gnawing at her lip the same way that I do. Fiddling with the sequins on her dress like I would.

It really felt like we understood each other sometimes.

     More than anything though - she looked beautiful.

I remember thinking that as she handed me her cup (presumably after noticing that mine had been finished).

     I tilted the rest of whatever was in it down my throat without as much as a wince. Extra bitter. It felt fitting.

Although, in many ways she had been so sweet. I hesitated at the thought initially but, she had genuinely become a close friend over the past year. Even after we stopped being able to see each other as much. And even considering that she had tried to punch me that morning.

     But I think that's why it hurt so much.

That nobody told me about her and Jungkook ever having a thing. She was included in that too. She could have told me. "Guess you still have a lot to learn about each other then." echoed in my head and left a taste in my mouth that was worse than the alcohol.

     "-So it's just funny if you really think about it, you know?? Like, if just ONE thing had been different then - then you would be making entirely different choices. It's fuckin' nuts! That's all I'm sayin'. Cause we, we can just - it just like, - it's just like, we shouldn't take what happens for granted. You know what I'm sayin'? Who knows if it's for better or for worse?" Joon hadn't stopped talking since he started. And a big hand was placed to palm the top of my head as he did. I felt like the joystick of a game controller whenever he flexed a wrist to (gently) pull it closer.

I wished I had been paying more attention to what he was saying, but one question begged to be asked at full volume.

     I yelled as loud as my body would let me project, "Oh Great Teacher!! Who gave these two the coke?" - Which got me a glazed over look of (perhaps) deep thought.

Switch gears then.

     "Ok! Like - what external circumstance provided the opportunity for them to make this choice?" This time, Joon nodded, like the change in my wording had been satisfactory.

     "Yoongs." Is the only word he uttered back at me. And the glow surrounding Lacey and Jimin evaporated - emboldened me to do something. To stop letting myself freeze up. To stop waiting for JK to carry me out and take my steps for me.

     "You're right Joonie. If only one thing had been different." I know I said the words, they came out in my voice and all that, but I couldn't feel them being said.

     Joon's baseball mitt of a hand slipped from my hair, letting me glide towards the amped up pair with ease.

     Looking back at it now - my timing could not have been worse.

     "Hey girl! So when you said, 'There's more to learn about JK', what you meant was- that you fucked him?" I snapped at her with so much force it almost sounded excited.

And I dunno.

     Maybe I was.

Maybe I had wanted to talk about this for a really long time. About Yoongi, about why she waited to tell him about JK and I dancing - all of it.

     Lacey gritted her teeth.

     And if she had remembered giving me the rest of her drink perhaps she wouldn't have - but she attempted to throw the drink she did remember having into my face.

     Jimin took a step back with a hand clutching at non-existent pearls, "My goodness ladies. Resorting to violence is -" "Oh shut the fuck up Minnie.". Lacey's lashing out caused a visceral reaction from Jimin. One that had "who the hell do you think you're talking to" energy taking over his angelic features.

     His expression distracted me enough that I didn't sense the front of my lacy black dress being wrapped up in a fist until just before it was yanked on. I remember thinking that eyes usually weren't so round once her hazel-green orbs were glaring directly at me.

     "Betcha didn't check what was in that cup before you drank it," Lacey's words were venomous and taunting, "I told Yoongs that such a sweet girl couldn't handle her pills.". The rest of her sentence was said in a hiss. One that was meant to make me scared.

     The thing about being scared is, that it has a threshold. There's how you normally react (which for me, was freezing up) and then there's how you react after being pushed. After you've gotten to a point where you kinda hope somebody tries to scare you. Because even you don't know what will happen.

Well, it's like that for me at least.

And it wasn't typically a good sign - for me to stop caring about what would happen next.

     But I had gotten beyond my threshold.

     And I felt myself giggling as I worked to remove her grip from my dress.

     And I saw a look on her face that I couldn't identify. It might have been on Jimin's too.

     Which would have been fair.

     I think they only ever saw me get to this point on three different occasions throughout the years.

And I like to think that I would've stopped at removing her grip, if I had been able to.

     If I had been able to refrain from stepping closer to loom over her. If I had been able to hold myself back from saying - "I'm clearly not the one who can't handle things.". If I hadn't channeled that anger into a sneer at the hint of her spite-filled expression wavering.

     If just one of those things had gone differently.

      "You gonna admit that it's all just an act? That you 'caring' about everyone else is a self-absorbed gimmick to help you hate yourself a little less? Like you, the poor little victim, could ever have some kind of grip on the world that's stronger than the rest of us?" Lacey was making zero effort to seem less enraged than she felt. And I remember that for the smallest second, I thought it was a good thing we were finally doing this. Getting it all out in the open.

It was a really short second.

     "You gonna admit that you tried going after JK last night? And that it's the real reason you lost it this morning?" I could tell that the words were said calmly, but that it only succeeded at strengthening their impact.

     Joonie, who had been grooving behind me, couldn't pretend like he didn't hear it. The feeling of movement against my back stilled, followed by a "Well, shit.". And Jimin began craning his neck to find the others - it vaguely registered that he wanted to let them know what was happening.

     Lacey could only gape at me in reply.

     What happened in The Backyard was assumed to be something strictly between Jungkook and I.

     But no.

     In The Backyard was where Jungkook told me about all the ways that Lacey had been coming onto him over the past year. And that the most recent time she tried, was last night.

     That she had been able to crawl into his lap and kiss him before he had been able to get her off. That she had said something about only ever feeling loved when she was with him. And how Yoongi had been so depressed since moving, that she was sure he had been making hers worse. And how it was something that only Jungkook could've fixed. "Only you can fix me", is what she said verbatim.

And you know what? I was not okay with that.

     Almost the entirety of what happened in The Backyard spilled out of me like a river that had risen to dangerously high levels. I didn't care what was knocked down or out or away as a consequence. But by the time I finished, I was nearly panting - and naively hoping that it was going to usher in an end to all of the drama.

     "At least I won't be the only one that wants to kill myself." Lacey was sardonic with her final response.

     Tae's face popped up behind her head at that, looking like a worried groundhog.

     Jin's voice from behind me let out a tense sounding, "psh".

     Hobi and Jimin had joined forces, both looking equally concerned and ready to fight. I didn't care where they had come from or when they had arrived, I'm just grateful that they did.

     With an assumed jerk of their heads, Jin and Joon moved from behind me to grab Lacey by the arms. Toting her off to some corner of the party with a bar station that was away from us. Jimin, Hobes and Tae closed in around me while they left.

     I knew they were doing this for our own good but at the time I could only scoff at the notion and promptly headed towards a makeshift bar. The one that Jin, Joon and Lacey had not gone to. Clearly, we just weren't drunk enough yet - at least, that's what some of us seemed to be thinking.

     I dunno what the hell was going through my mind once we got there though - and I tossed back every drink that Tae poured for me. Ignoring how strong they were and letting myself, for just a moment, enjoy the look of surprise on his face as I did.

     But then Hobi and Jimin - who had both done way too much coke at this point - both started "hm"-ing to themselves with their arms crossed. Wiggling their jaws. Swinging their hips back and forth. Staring me down like there was an unsolvable problem tattooed across my forehead.

     Rum dribbled down the side of my mouth and I wiped it away with a " blech" before addressing them with a sharp, "What?".

     "She took Kookie's virginity when he was 16 and she was 19 or 20." Jimin offered up without missing a beat, and earned a smack on the arm from Hobi.

     "That's so helpful Min. I'm sure that what she wants to hear right now, is MORE about how her boyfriend er, her...man! Her man, yeah, how he fucked the girl who is dating, um..." Hobi started off in a spitfire but trailed off as the effort to explain the situation grew.

     "How can all be fair in love and war? When love is an unfair game?" Tae had never sounded so apologetic in the entire time that I had known him. And they were good questions. But I didn't have an answer for either. Which made me start blubbering, letting the ticking time bomb at the back of my throat diffuse.

     "Did y'all know about last night?" I sniffled and made myself hack on phlegm. It wasn't dainty sounding and it made me feel -

    

     "Pathetic."

Hang on. I know that I thought it but -

     I whirled around to discover who it was playing mindreader and Yoongi standing there almost felt like a mirage. But the pointed stare and grimace pulling across his face were unnervingly real.

     "She said JK came onto her and that nobody would listen. Jesus. I dunno, maybe if you believed her? For fuckin' once? She wouldn't be moving out and I wouldn't be working on additional suicide prevent -" Yoongi's rant of justification dropped as quickly as it began. Realizing that he had finally admitted to not being fine.

One of Jin's hands was clasped over my mouth as soon as it opened. "Not now." were the words I think he said when I shot daggers at him. But I didn't get it at the time. It felt like when he was working on the floor at their last house. Why wasn't anybody paying more attention? He clearly wasn't ok! Or fine! He just - he wasn't happy.

     The thump of wood being hit is the only reason I didn't try to fish-flop an escape away from Jin to get to Yoongi. That's not right - the person that caused the thump was the reason.

A red-faced JK. Who had punched the frame of the entryway behind him.

     "Get your ass. Outside. Now. Please." Jungkook spoke in broken fragments. Staring at the ground like it was the only thing he didn't want to fight.

     "Maybe a Time-Up would -" "Dude, no." Hobi and Jimin's hushed voices felt like they were floating. Or rather - I felt like I was floating.

     Ducking my head down to find his blank stare, JK stirred slightly at the recognition. I didn't want to freeze this time.

     My questioning look was returned with a chin tucking into a nod. A signal that he did want me with him.

I need you too, can't you feel it? - I tried to send the message out through my fingertips, and any bit of skin that touched his. A single heart beat between the two of us.

     Being at each other's sides again brought relief to both of us. But it was only able to settle in our bodies for a moment because just as it did, we saw Lacey barreling towards us.

     "She keeps taking what's -", hands on one of our shoulders shoved us back, "MINE.".

     This irked me.

     "He's not YOURS-", I returned the shove without thinking, "And he was also just a KID!" She stumbled with an expression that did actually frighten me - but she decided that physically fighting was not the way for her to win. Aside from being bigger than her, I wasn't acting anything like the (mostly) timid mouse she had gotten used to.

     Smoothing down the sequins on her dress and shooting flirtatious looks towards the crowd of people surrounding us instead, the next words out of her were made of needles. Meant to inflict pain.

     "Babe? We should have coke at more of these things. Wanna bet that they'll be selling for us by the time I get back? Or - oh my god, what about a bet that those two, Little Kookie and his For the Minute-Maid, will be strung out little wrecks?"

     Yoongi looked like he had been shot at.

     Tae had his arms held out in front of Jimin and Hobi, who were both trying to throttle Lacey.

     JK and I were battling to stand in front of each other. The alcohol must've had me believing that I could kick anyone's ass to protect him. It got a small smile out of him - flickered it to life. And I forgot what we were in the middle of after seeing it.

Except - the shakiness that could be heard as he spoke sounded alien. It was anger that was scared of itself and trying to keep it together. I recognized it like it was my own.

"You told me. That it wasn't. Yours.".

Even without looking up at Jungkook, the way that Yoongi flinched made me wonder if JK had quit caring about keeping it together. And what that would mean for everyone.

Which also made me wonder if we should stop.

     Just stop.

     That phrase quickly became the only thing I was capable of saying out loud.

     Because after Yoongi failed to respond - JK grabbed him by the collar of his black button down and tossed him out the front door. The people on the front porch didn't stop partying, they only kinda moved to give them space. Chatting and smoking away as if they had gotten bored of waiting for an altercation to start. Like it ticked off a box of expectations for the show and was nothing more than that.

     But I was feverishly yelling the two words I could say at Jungkook. Watching as Yoongi did less than nothing to defend himself. Didn't raise his hands to block the punches. Didn't make an attempt to run away. He didn't even try to scold JK. He just...lay there. Taking it.

     The most that he did - was spit to the side, just once, after taking a blow to the face. After that, he simply resumed his still position. Giving no attention to the splatter of red that had fallen onto the fresh snow beside him.

But we noticed.

     The rest of us had gathered on the front porch except - nobody tried to keep them apart or stop them from fighting, like they had on that game night.

     "It's time." is all Jin said while toking away at his pipe. The ripple of nods made me angry at first but, I knew what they meant.

This was The Fight - the one we had anxiously prepared for all those months ago. The one that had been guiltily hoped for. The one we had even once (literally) dreamed would occur.

      I secretly wished that our past anticipation would make it easier to witness. That it would make the whole thing seem silly or -

Or less -

Anyways.

     It didn't.

[bellshazes]

i am very curious about your academic history! uni or informal or personal interest or otherwise. i've seen you mention a number of disciplines from time to time, v cool to see medieval studies be among them. always awe-inspiring to see someone use their wealth of lit knowledge to help create incredibly provocative posts about minecraft youtubers. your experience with philosophy is one i'd love to know more about.

(if you're comfortable with sharing it! otherwise, feel free to ignore this ask :P)

this is a very lovely ask and i don't mind to share at all because it's really just... a hodgepodge. it took me twelve years to graduate college. i flunked out my junior year and tried in fits to go back and chip away at my last requirements only when i got reimbursement through my job. i concentrated my courses on medieval culture/literature, french, and general linguistics (these often overlapped). i didn't study any actual theory in my courses until i took my final 2 humanities ones. which in fact i took and blogged through right here.

taking that theater of the absurd class (as Last Life happened!) connected me to academic game studies, which was easy pickings since i spent about a decade teaching arkham horror (and occasional other pinch hits for e.g. catan) at game conventions. so i have a lot of friends from those cons who enjoy and have the vocabulary to dissect games' mechanics and feel and the social dynamics of them. i love rehashing the difference between game mastering a co-op board game vs. an official strategy tournament vs. casual improv games vs. casual competitive vs. asymmetric, and then rehashing the player pov of each of those and more, and people who can argue back.

i'm very lucky to have friends who also think of philosophy not as being walled off from daily life but a practice of examining the world and our relationships within it. we sit and argue for the sake of tearing a concept apart, like "what differentiates art from craft?" or "does the platonic ideal suck or is it romantic?" or "what are you most afraid of?". do this for at least 5 years and you'll end up with complex opinions and perspectives. in my early 20s, biking from my restaurant job to free museums and writing about local art history kept me alive.i'm lucky my very bizarre career path since has led me to jobs where taxonomical flexibility and philosophy are necessary skills.

i think everything is worth taking seriously, even the most unserious parts of life, and i think you can take play seriously while also remaining playful in your examination. i think all your experiences build on themselves by virtue of aging, if you allow yourself to play with them. i think that there are a thousand silver threads between each thing and every every every other thing in the world and universe and imagination and drawing those lines of juxtaposition illuminate the edges of a negative space that is dynamic as it pulls and is pushed by all of its interrelationships, even the most obscure thinnest threads. i wouldn't have worked all that out without talking with the same people again and again.

at a work conference last year i was introduced to gregory bateson, whose ecology of mind makes me feel like i just stepped off the tallest rollercoaster in the world. i'm still not sure that i've got a good enough understanding of pedagogy of the oppressed (which i discovered via um les mis fanfic?) but i reread the second chapter even more often than i revisit quine's the ways of paradox. for good advice on how to be an amateur, tampopo lays it out the best. i lead with being a college dropout because i want to emphasize i'm no master of anything, just a lover of many, but that i think a critical amateurism, a love that drives learning and development and communion with others is just about the best most life-giving thing there is.

[bots-and-cons]

How's it kicking Ony? I wanted to request something with a human that was previously attacked by cons but they fought back and ended up getting exposed to the cons energon and therefore their DNA. Nothing happens for a little while but slowly the human starts doing things that normally only a bot would do? Developing small habits and the sort. Like when someone is coming out from that big elevator they can tell from the EM field who it is without seeing them. Amusing example is all is calm until their head shoots up like a dog and says "Wheeljack is back!" Then Miko and Bulkhead go running without questioning it. Before he even leaves the elevator. Essentially what I want is some of the bots reactions to figuring out one way or another that the exposure has left the human with some Cybertronian DNA? Since it came from a con and wasn't newly processed energon. I know it wouldn't be a completely smooth so the new abilities may be uncomfortable sometimes. I imagine a human would be more sensitive to the fields since they weren’t born with the ability. I hope this isn't to specific; I've just seen writers not be able to write somethings cause it was too vague. For this I'd like to see Ratchet & Bulkhead if that's alright! Feel free to have some artistic liberties here🤙. I don't want the scenario to seem to unrealistic ya know what I mean?

I was kind of dreading writing this, because I honestly had zero ideas for this for the longest time. I just rambled a bit about whatever came to mind surrounding this topic, but I hope it's okay. Also as a side note, I have a much harder time rejecting someone’s request when they aren’t on anon. Which is a good thing (?) and I love seeing the same names over and over again, when the same people ask me stuff, because it makes me happy when I see people have been here for a while. Of course I see a lot of you in the my notifications, and some names or profile pics have stuck in my mind, but I appreciate you all so much 💜

~Bulkhead~

•Your new abilities have much more to do with your senses, rather than you body noticeably changing or anything

•Bulkhead was very worried when you first got exposed to energon, but there didn’t seem to be many bad effects after Ratchet’s treatment

•You of course started noticing the changes in yourself first, but you thought it was just the after effects from the energon and that they would disappear on their own

•You started being able to sense the bots in some weird way and in time you learned to differentiate the vibes you got and be able to tell them apart

•You didn’t even really notice it at first, you just started mentioning “Hey they came back” before anyone else even heard anything and you were right every time

•You’d always be waiting for Bulkhead outside your place when he came to pick you up, because you sensed him coming

•Bulk didn’t even really notice it at first, he just thought you had good timing, but when it kept happening, he started wondering why

•You also became stronger than you were before, not inhumanly so, but pretty damn close

•Bulkhead wasn’t particularly worried about the changes, since you didn’t seem too bothered by them yourself

•Sure you sometimes got a headache when you spent time with the whole team for a long time, because the energy fields/vibes got a bit too overwhelming

~Ratchet~

•Ratchet was of course very worried when you were brought back to the base for treatment after you got hit by the energon

•He did checkups for weeks after you were already feeling better, because he had a feeling you weren’t as unaffected as you seemed

•And he was right of course

•When you started getting these odd headaches after hanging out with too many of the team members at the same time, Ratchet was baffled

•He couldn’t come up with a reason for that, until you started talking about sensing these weird things before one of the team members appeared

•It never happened with the trouble trio, only with the bots, so Ratchet put it together pretty quickly after that

•There wasn’t any energon traces in you, because it had fused with your dna, so he couldn’t detect it with just a scan, he needed to look at blood samples, which June helped him with

•Smokescreen started wondering if your ability to sense the bots would also work with the cons, and he suggested you try it out

•Ratchet was of course vehemently against this, because he was not going to expose you to any more danger

•It did become a bit of an early alarming system for the team, because if you sensed an energy you didn’t recognize nearby, you knew it was a decepticon and could alert them

[neteyammeowmeow]

HII kai headcanons if you have any??? i’d love to hear what u think about him

OFCC THANK YOUU

I headcanon Kai to be Japanese, Malay/Indo (Maya is Japanese/Indo, but Ray is Malay). He looks more Indo-Malay though, Nya's the one that takes more of her mom's genes.

He has BLUE eyes, a contrast to his sister, who has red. No further reason whatsoever to this, just a funny design detail. Another I'd like to bring up is that I actually believe that he'd have short, tied up hair! I don't see him with his canon version, but I'd get to drawing that one day.

This kind of, diverges from canon, but I believe that Nya was kind of the more outgoing sibling compared to Kai. He was always focused as a child, and he wanted to be trustable and determined, he also wishes to keep going and be strong for his little sister - who was unfortunately clumsy, but she always seemed to wander around places. Once they grew up, they became the vice versa of who they were, as Kai gradually felt like he was able to become more laidback with his friends, and family, it was Nya's turn to push herself to face the world.

Um... A bit of a sudden transition, but his favorite food is specifically seafood fried rice, but the funny part is that he actually can't handle spicy food that well (completely ironic due to his SEAsian side)... Jay made fun of him one time like, "Why would you go around saying you're the master of fire, but you can't even take hot stuff?"

Kai's habit is that he likes to snap his fingers and spark fire, he does this when he's bored or subconciously. There's something satisfying with being able to do it.

His body temperature is warmer than the average, this becomes even more prevalent when he's stressed, or angry. Though when he's excited, he also gets the same reaction. But in general, it's always been odd, and it becomes an unfortunate cause when he's sick, because the Ninja find it difficult whether to differentiate if it's just him, or he actually has a fever. But on winter days, everyone just snuggles around him because he's just that warm.

Kai's hands are scorched and burnt, but they are old scars due to his clumsiness when he was still trying to master his element. His hands are also littered with scars due to his experiences blacksmithing.

I actually, REALLY love the fact that Kai blacksmiths, it's something that's barely brought up. I reckon if he were to visit weapon shops or equipments, he'd start judging them off the bat.

Actually, there should he more emphasis on the fact that Kai blacksmiths, he has so much knowledge upon tools and weapons... He must definitely take part in the creation of most of the Ninja's weapons, and maybe he also helps Pixal as she builds certain weaponry too, despite the fact that he knows, she probably knows many things already. Likewise, Pixal is always happy to hear Kai's pieces of knowledge, whether Kai knows it or not, his experiences are naturally not "accessible information" she can just find anywhere, listening to him talk about his trials and errors- they are priceless.

He's a weapon collector too! After a mission is finished, sometimes he'd bring himself a souvenir or two (obviously, they're weapons). He likes to study blades, or the things his foes have used, and he tries to understand their works to be able to improve his own. He doesn't hoard them, but there are times where he finds out he's out of storage to store his findings, so he just piles them up, but he doesn't leave them unorganized for too long because he knows it'll affect the quality.

Have I mentioned that I personally think Kai has adhd, like both him and Nya. In a way. Yeah.

AND... Since u know Neteyammeowmeow habits... Deepseaenergy mentioned! When Benthomaar wanted to ask for blessings from Lloyd's family, the ones he first approached aside from Misako- were Nya and Kai, who were both startled by his actions. Benthomaar brought up how it was Lloyd's words that made him believe they were a genuine part of his family- Benthomaar said that, he understood the significance of how important it truly was to have a sense of belonging, and acceptance, though the start was a rocky journey. There was so much more, but of course at the end of his words, it was unforgettable to remember the confusion upon Benthomaar's expression amidst Nya's amusement, as she comforted an incredibly touched Kai.

THE END...

[kyuuuu]

Finally saw the GGGNK movie

Just an unhinged train of thoughts about the film. Spoilers and stuff. And additional spoilers for Exhuma (2024)

First off, the theme of the movie was hugely satisfying. Instead of brushing over the imperialism of Japan the movie says "there were no glory days, it wasn't an honorable death, this is just a bunch of creepy old men hungry for power"

It's heartwarming that this movie is a story about how Mizuki and Gegero met when this is for the 100th anniversary of the author's birth (who is also named Shigeru Mizuki). Clearly a heartfelt homage, I can feel it from the quality of the film- the story beats, the themes, and the designs all seem inspired by him.

The animation was so smooth and the style was consistent. The Gegero vs Osada scene has good sakuga and the stylistic choice of shaky lines was *French kiss*

Character designs are an odd mix of old school and modern anime, but toned down to fit the setting and mood. I'd rather have the designs align with the old school style, but the modern style is worth it with the crispiness

Sometimes the line art did seem inconsistent with some parts being thicker than the rest but it didn't show up much

Tbh I came to the theaters just to simp for Mizuki and he didn't disappoint. Quite charming lad.

His character arc was slightly unsatisfying but since this is a prequel I know parts need to be cut off to keep his character consistent...

Also he's canonically a pretty boy?? The movie mentions he looks like Sada Keiji and

Damn

He's gives so much openings for asexual interpretations. When Gegero says 'one day you'll find someone who you'll love more than yourself', he does! He finds Kitaro. It's a nice non romantic version of the 'you'll understand love someday' trope

Thank god there's no forced romance between him and Sayo. The movie acknowledges a. the age gap and b. realistically no one would fall for each other in a few days. The 'romance' is mostly a desperate attempt by Sayo to get out of her nightmare while Mizuki is half heartedly playing along. In the end even Mizuki betrayed her by only seeing her as a means for information instead of a person. However, the only thing, and the most important point that differentiates him from the rest of her abusers is that he genuinely apologizes and tries to make amends.

He's usually at his hottest when he's holding a weapon. The gun and axe did something to me. Legit I wouldn't have bothered to go see the movie if it weren't for pictures of him splattered in blood.

Sayo deserved better! I overheard some girls say "they seriously fridged her?" when the movie ended and while I disagree that she's just a fridged woman, she was neglected by the writers

I was bracing for her backstory when the family was introduced. Big, powerful clan in an isolated area? Definitely incest here. I'm not quite sure how to evaluate the handling of CSA but one point I'd give credit for is that they didn't fall into the trap of showing trauma graphically

Her story reminds me a lot of Tezuka Osamu's Ayako. Even the two works' setting (Showa era), a lot of the character roles (monstrous head of the clan, the mad man/woman, the twit sister, callous men in a power struggle) and the themes (conservative values vs new generation) match so I don't think it's a simple coincidence

What a bummer that Mizuki gets over her death so quickly. It feels unnatural how he collects himself so fast after literally having her rage on him for using her feelings and attempt to kill him, then to die in a horrific manner. At least get him a pep talk from Gegero to be able to get a grip again.

And why is there no mention of her when he confronts the head of the clan? The lack of acknowledgement of how Mizuki and the rest of the adults failed her makes the final act feel rather disconnected, to be harsher, weak.

The biggest bummer is that the perspective of other characters are lacking when they all have interesting stories

Osada was one of the characters I was curious before I saw the movie and I was surprised by how little screentime he got compared to the fanart. I was expecting him to be a main antagonist but no, he was a faithful red herring

He's the father of the head in line yet that aspect of him is underutilized. His relationship with Tokiya and Toshiko is virtually unknown, to the point I suspect he wasn't originally supposed to be Toshiko's husband during production and they quickly changed his role. Based on fanart I genuinely thought that he was going to murder Toshiko lmao

And his role as mayor would have been much more of a threat than as an exorcist. I know Mizuki is meant to be the trump card bc he's an unexpected factor, but he could have been a formidable enemy to the duo, pressuring Mizuki psychologically by turning the entire village against him while exchanging blows with Gegero

Overall the experience wasn't bad but I feel like I would have enjoyed it as equally I did in the theater as on my laptop.

It was a lot more consistent than Exhuma but fumbled the execution by an angle of three degrees to fully satisfy me- superior in the drama and mystery aspect but Exhuma's horror and occultism was more intriguing.

That being said it's an unfair comparison since GGGNK has a younger target audience so I imagine if the directors went all out it could have been really, really terrifying. The age restriction was already pushing it when they thought scenes of eyes getting gouged out were okay for children above the age of 12

Hilariously, both are occult horror mysteries that have "Fuck Japanese Imperialism" as their message, despite one being the A-list actor movie and the other being an anime movie for a series obscure outside of Japan. (I could probably make an essay of comparing and contrasting the two's criticism of imperialism, one being from an outsider/victim's perspective and the other being from an insider/perpetuator's perspective.)

Capping off this with a subjective score of 8/10 and an impersonal score of 7.5/10 ig

[macravishedbymactavish]

Checkmate (David "Hesh" Walker x GN! Reader)

TW: Traumatized Hesh, mentions of Canon Ghosts ending. Maybe if the mood strikes I'll make this a series. It's been sitting in my drafts forever.

| Blog HQ |

"I only run when being chased" he replied smoothly, giving you a boyish smirk. Face slowly falling when your expression didn't change. Remaining serious.

"Then who's chasing you?" You asked in a soft tone, watching as the gears behind his eyes started to move. Trying desperately to brush this off with humor, but realizing:

Shit, you have a point.

"Right now, you and the staring" he chuckled dryly. Eyes looking everywhere but at you. The question made him uncomfortable, nervous, vulnerable.

"You play a lot of things off as jokes. Like nothing truly bothers you -- I don't think that's true though. You don't either" you reached forward, grabbing your drink to take a sip. "It's safe here. You can open up"

"If I open up anymore, I'll break my spine" you resisted rolling your eyes at the metaphor. "I'm an open book. Ask me anything" he challenged.

"What happened on the train?" May as well aim for the throat. "Why did you decide on the checkmate plan?" You watched as he clenched his jaw momentarily. Letting a long breath out through his nose, finally looking you in the eye before he spoke. Eyes begging for understanding.

Understanding that he tried. He's trying.

"You know exactly why. Everyone knows why. It's what had to be done. Ask Merrick, he'll agree" The walls were slowly being built back up, he was closing off again.

"What would have happened if you didn't?" This session felt like a chess match. Except he was the only one playing. Planning every move 5 steps before he needed to make it, planning how to retreat, to attack, to divert attention. Right now, he was using his silence as a defense. Waiting for you to continue before confirming his next move.

"David.." You sighed, leaning forward. "This isn't an interrogation, if it was they wouldn't have sent me. Your dad, brother, friends all want you to be okay. That's why I'm here. But I need more information before I can do much".

His eyes pleaded for you to understand he was trying.

Your eyes pleading for him to see you were doing the same.

"It's selfish. If I let him go, he would've kept hunting us. If I let him go, dad would never be avenged. Rorke would have never paid for what he did if I didn't make the call!" He slammed his hands on the table between you two. Expression immediately filling with remorse.

You watched as his face became an open window for the internal debate he was waging. Trying to differentiate what was reality and what wasn't. His mind and surroundings providing different feedback.

"I made the hard call to avenge my family. I know I fucked up and I have to live with that daily. My dad's dead, my brother is gone. I have nobody left." His voice broke as he leaned back, hands shaking as he fell deeper into that rabbit hole.

"Hesh, look at me" you requested, watching as his eyes cast down toward you. Posture still leaned back into his chair. Knowing he was now looking at his friend, not the psych personnel. "You're safe here. You're safe with me".

They're not gone. You saw them yesterday. You desperately wanted to affirm; but you knew that would be overstepping boundaries. Not that accepting your friends case wasn't overstepping. Your neck was on every line, every chopping block, under more risk for scrutiny because of this. Your heart ached day after day working on this; but how do you say no when

A) Resources and personnel are limited

B) Said friends father all but begged you to take this.

"There's a side of him that seems to be reserved for when you're around. He knows you, he trusts you. I'm not sure if I'd trust anyone else with this." Elias explained, sitting across the desk from you. The clinical piece of your mind wondered how much sleep he's gotten since that day. The personal piece knowing next to none, and it's rude to ask.

"You know there's policies, rules and ethics against this." Your heart broke saying the words "I can refer you to a colleague here who'd do fantastic on the case. I'm happy to overlook from an arms length away, but I really shouldn't be the one taking on his case"

"I understand that, but please. If anyone can get him out on the other side. It's going to be you."

How do you say no to that? You've known the Walkers for majority of your adult life. You've grown close to the trio. And if nothing else, Hesh did save your ass. You owe him at least this.

"Thank you" Hesh whispered, reaching his hand out to lay it atop of yours. Holding back a soft sigh, you decided enough was enough for today.

"Anytime. If it's not asking too much, can I give you some homework? Something to occupy your mind while you're cooped up in here" you vaugley gestured to the area around you. An office within a ward. You gave a small smile when he agreed, pulling an old, blank notebook from your bag.

"They won't let you have pens or anything in your room" you cursed yourself for the oversight, making a mental note to speak with the staff later. "When you can though, write out exactly what happened? Even point form. Help give me a full understanding of what happened, why it happened" you explained, handing the book over to him.

--

"How'd it go?" Logan jogged up behind you in the hall later that day, hope radiating off him in waves. It crushed him when he was advised against visiting his brother, especially right now.

"Confidentiality, Lo" you teased lightly "but we have a long way to go. We all knew that" you shrugged.

Hopefully this path leads to some resolution, clarity and forgiveness.

"Is the reason I can't go visit him confidential too?" Coming from anyone else - you may have found offense in the statement. A bite of sarcasm and resentment. Not with Logan - his intentions were clear:

He just wanted his brother back.

"Until we fully figure out what's going on in his head, and how to make positive progress we can't let you guys see him. He's still adamant that you're dead." You gave the youngest Walker a sympathetic look; knowing how close the two were before all this. He nodded, as much as he hated it he also understood.

"My arm is healing pretty well. All things considering" he smiled, pushing the sling off his body to show you. "Doc said I should be able to lose this thing in the next week or so"

You fell into easy conversation with Logan, both of you pretending like your hearts weren't chipping bit by bit. Listening to him give you updates on his broken arm, the movie he convinced Keegan to watch the other night. You told him about the latest recipe you tried for supper, and what you were planning for your coworkers birthday.

Anything to avoid what you both really wanted to talk about.

Taglist: @bloodonmyhands-1221 @bowtruckleninja @v1naco @ai-luni

[kisuminight]

Hello! I've been reading through your DSMP Blade System AU posts and am curious about how many shards/Blades DreamXD's Blade got separated into and what other characters are one of the resulting Blades?

Considering the Blades you mentioned (c!Dream, Mamacita, Drista and Cornelius) its characters played by cc!Dream or his sister. Im guessing NotDream123 might be another one then if he exists in this AU. Also Hubert which could be fun as the most c!Karl got about him was a mention when he was at the Masquerade.

I was thinking that the core crystal broke into 5 pieces. Here is an idea of what I'm going for, please excuse the roughness:

c!Dream is made from the bit in the center, which is shaped like a diamond or a rhombus. The other 4 Blades have the rectangular shaped parts, set at an angle. Core crystals are generally one color; the contrast here is to differentiate the sections.

The original core crystal was the same as the others, roughly palm sized. The shards actually grew a bit when they became Blades of their own.

Current Blades are Dream, Drista, Cornelius, and GirlDream/Mamacita. I'm still undecided on who the last piece will be.

Unfortunately, I'm not too familiar with NotDream123. I'm probably going to end up skipping him? I checked and he dies several times, and a key part of this AU is that c!Tommy, c!Tubbo, and c!Ranboo don't really know all that much about the Blade System and how it works for regular Blades.

It probably will be Hubert. In this, Hubert was a Blade. The Egg can corrupt Blades by reaching through their bond with their Driver. Through Hubert, the Egg realizes that the corruption only lasts 1 life; if the Blade is killed, reverts to core crystal, and reAwakened the corruption is gone.

Actually, I really like this idea. So the Egg decides to try corrupting the core crystal of the Blade, and has Hubert killed again (by Billiam) shortly before the Masquerade. The core crystal is left in the Egg's room, and c!Karl accidentally grabs it when he is being murdered at the end.

This is part of the reason why the Inbetween grabbed Karl at this point. XD was manipulating it so Karl could keep Hubert's core crystal in his inventory when he died and then XD could retrieve the core crystal when Karl arrived in the Inbetween.

~

XD has a weird relationship with the Aegis pieces. As much as he wants his original Blade back, he does get less focused on his goal as the story goes on. Part of it is that DreamXD is Drista's Driver (why she has Creative) and he starts to like her. Part of it is that he is getting more interaction with other people and not stewing in his own loneliness.

GirlDream/Mamacita is the 2nd fragment recovered. I want to say that her Driver was Mexican Dream and she returned to a core crystal with his first canon death? The problem is that they're kind of joke/humor characters, and... So, humor is an important part of tension. But again, c!Tommy is not supposed to get enough info about the Blade System to read into the undercurrents of what is going on before Staged Finale. The entire situation needs a bit of workshoping. I'd need to re-watch the streams before I make a firm decision. XD grabs her after Mexican Dream's Third Canon Death.

Cornelius gets recovered because XD retrieves him. As the 3rd fragment recovered, he also gets put on a shelf.

Hubert is the 4th fragment recovered. XD pickpockets him out of Karl's Inventory in the Inbetween. Hubert does not go on the shelf because XD is too busy worrying about the damage the Egg did to the core crystal during the attempt to corrupt the core crystal. Since the Egg is an offshoot of the being that originally shattered the Aegis Blade, XD thinks it might be lingering damage for that instance, though he starts getting suspicious as he picks up more details from George and Foolish.

XD's attachment to Hubert and worrying about the damage also makes XD look at Mamacita and Cornelius in a different light. Around that point, XD stops leaving them on the shelf and starts carrying them with him.

XD is drawn to George in part because George was Dream's Driver. Part of their friendship is a shared grief for their Blades. XD does not meet Dream until the very end, when he has been mostly convinced that murdering 5 people to bring his friend back (an act that will upset all his current friends and destroy Drista, who he is fond of) is not the best plan.

~

DSMP is about humanity, about how even bad people are still people. This AU also adds a hunt for identity. When does a person stop being the same person. For a Blade, does the memory loss make them a different person in their next life? For DreamXD, the five fragments are explicitly different people, and he has to grapple with that fact as well as the driving force of his own grief and the knowledge that he can resurrect his friend--but it'll have consequences.

Editor's note from the future:

DreamXD's Aegis will be named "Reverie."

[siphonyx]

So I've struggled a bit with differentiating morphing from physical shifting, I've mentioned it before. They both seem to lead into each other in ways where it'd seem silly to differentiate the two... and yet differentiating seems necessary, because fully morphing for us leads to something different from what fully physical shifting would entail.

I also realized that despite experiencing a transformation morph, I'm not really hyped about it in the same sense I am about the physical shifting. Transformations are okay, but the pseudoclinical nature of calling them that, and lack of supernaturality or spirituality really gets to us. Like, for some aspects, such as the muscle repositioning that might occur during one, we're aware that that can be psychological in origin, but it's still just supernatural to us. You know how some witches are aware of the science surrounding witchcraft, but still practice it anyway? Its not because they're "in denial" or whatnot, it's simply because they sense there is something supernatural there. That's how we feel about these things. A few experiences are transformations, but the rest? True supernatural experiences.

And two nights ago I finally figured out why we feel this way.

Morphing can lead into physical shifting in the same way mental shifting can (allegedly) lead to physical shifting, but morphing isn't shifting outright. You know how when Blaze's p-shifting guides were all the rage, people would say "mental shifting is the way to physical shifting", like it was a progression? That's not true, since many therians mental shift without once experiencing any physical effects, but if some do, that indicates that mental shifting helps encourage the animal side enough to come out. But we do it too, just with morphing instead of shifting. This implies that maybe the base is what is different, but the effects are still the same in select individuals.

It's kind of a tricky topic to explain, but basically my thinking is:

In individuals with a therian base, mental shifting (allegedly) leads to physical shifting in some individuals.

In individuals with a vakalomorphic base, morphing may (allegedly) lead to physical shifting in some individuals.

An altered state of mind may lead to physical shifting in some individuals or alternatively, "human" shifting.

Some of the odd transformation-type phenomena we experienced that seem to be either morphic or shifter is a result of being on the cusp of either, aka a transitional state.

We're just a vakalon and a shifter, then. I don't see our transformations as psychological or "unreal" necessarily, and there are plenty of reasons why I'd see my transformations as being real

Here's a graphic to explain what we're thinking, and hopefully not confuse you further:

The human-animal midpoint is where you are currently; in us it's the diode. In a therian, the cyan bar would be non-physical shifts such as mental shifting and phantom shifting, and as their midpoint moves towards animal or human they'd experience associated physical effects. Most will only experience human shifting -muscle cramps, tension, sensory and visual changes- but in those who could go farther they might actually start experiencing effects that seem beyond what most people would achieve, and more in line with their animal self. I theorize that the base (therianthropy, vakalon, etc.) has nothing to do with this, but simply allows for an altered state for a physical shift to happen.

I don't think you need an altered state to reach a physical shift - I've met plenty of shifters who've said they fully shifted without one- but I do think it helps "weaker" shifters. And of course, if you're the psychoanalyzing type you can speculate on the meaning of an altered state for shifters, but I'm not going to today lol.

I think this explains how we're seeing morphing and how it bleeds into shifting. (I'm kinda hoping this helps someone somewhere make sense of their own shifts lmfao)

[sunsoakedhighhopes]

Amazing Fantasy #15

This is Spider-Man's origin story, which, I think, we're all pretty familiar with by this point. So, for me, this was just kind of interesting to read from the standpoint of seeing what was the same and what was different from the movies. I have seen every (modern) Spider-Man movie except for Amazing Spider-Man 2, though it's been a while since I've seen the non-MCU ones, and I'd say I remember the first Spiderman movie the best, so that's what I'll be comparing to.

As a side note, even though I kinda knew it was coming, I was a little bummed to see just how boring the layouts are for these silver-age comics. Pretty much every page is the same layout, two panels in the top row, three in the middle, and two again in the bottom row. I miss the way that the art used to sometimes kinda escape the panels in Steve's original run.

Okay, so we're introduced to Peter, who is a bit of a loner and a wallflower, and we see that he is teased and picked on by his classmates.

Not to defend bullying in any way, but I think if you looked at this panel out of context, without the speech bubbles, you would think that Peter was a teacher, rather than a student.

Then we're introduced to May and Ben Parker, who absolutely adore their nephew. And gosh, why are they so old?? Like, as an uncle, shouldn't Ben be somewhere around the age of Peter's parents? I get that a lot of artistic choices in early comics was more about differentiating different characters, and making things pop (that's why there are so many red-headed sidekicks) but it's still a bit jarring.

I do like that we're shown that Peter has a really great relationship with his aunt and uncle.

Then we're told that Peter gets along with all of the teachers at his high school and I guess participates in running science experiments, maybe? Idk, he's got a bunch of test tubes and a guy in a lab coat tells him to keep up the good work.

Peter asks a girl names Sally out on a date, and she reiterates to him "for the umpteenth time" that he's not her type, then drives off with "dream boat" Flash Thomson.

Then he invites a group of students to the "science hall", and they, predictably, make fun of him for being a nerd.

One of the things that I was kind of surprised by was how angry Peter is throughout this comic. You almost get the sense that if a certain event didn't happen so soon after he got his powers, kinda veering Peter back onto the right path, that we could be reading a villain origin story here.

Also, I don't know how I feel about these radio-active experiments being open to the public. That kind of seems.... a little irresponsible. Actually, as it turns out, Institutional Review Boards didn't exist until the 1970s, so.... I guess Peter has a lack of overall regulations to thank for his super powers.

The scientists are demonstrating how they can control radioactive rays, just shooting beams of radiation right in front of the general public, no protection anywhere in sight -- they must not have Godzilla movies in the Marvel universe.

Anyway, you know the story. There's a spider, though the spider is not actually part of the experiment, it's just a regular old spider trying to live it's own life, about to have just a really terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. So, the spider drops down from the ceiling, accidentally going through the radioactive beam, and then landing on Peter's hand -- because Peter (once again, a high schooler and member of the general public) was standing close enough to the radioactive beam for this to happen. The spider, in it's last agonizing moments of life before dying from, presumably, radioactive poisoning, bites Peter on the hand.

Peter notes that the bite burns, and either the bite itself or the spider -- it's not really clear which -- is glowing. He does not mention this seemingly quite important detail to any of the adults in the room.

Speaking of the adults in the room, they make fun of Peter for looking ill following the experiment, because everyone except for May and Ben are dickheads apparently. Literally no on checks on him.

Outside, Peter's standing in the middle of traffic, feeling... honestly, probably high as a kite. It says he feels like his entire body is being charged with some sort of fantastic energy.

He misses the car that's barreling towards him until the last moment when it nearly runs him over -- again because it's New York, I guess, and everyone's a dick. He jumps out of the car's way....

And then scales the wall, because he can. A small child sees him climbing the wall and tells his mother and she says, "That's the last horror movie I take you to, young man!" which is just hilarious. She doesn't even look at what he's pointing at.

At the top of the building he grabs a steel pipe and crushes it as though it were paper. At this point he figures that the spider bite transferred the spiders powers to him.

The spider watching all this from the afterife:

He tests his powers a little in the city, then heads to the wrestling match to fully test his powers. As we know, he beats the strongman with his powers, then he catches the eye of a TV producer, who gets him a slot on the Ed Sullivan show.

This is our first look at Spiderman

He becomes very popular by climbing around on the walls and ceiling on TV, and shooting webs.

Then we get to the part where he chooses not to stop the escaping thief, and he doesn't do it because he feels ripped off by the person being robbed like in the Sam Raimy trilogy, or whatever was going on with the chocolate milk in the Andrew Garfield one.

I actually think this one is worse than either of those two. Like he does it out of pure teenage angst and selfishness.

And like, look, I don't think random citizens should feel obligated to help the cops arrest people, or feel bad about it if they don't, but he says he's doing it for selfish reasons. Plus, he's at this place (The Ed Sullivan show?) not as Peter Parker, but as Spiderman, so his identity is safe and people already know that he has powers, cause five minutes ago he was climbing around the ceiling.

We get another wholesome scene with Peter and Ben and May where they gift him a microscope that he's been wanting. Spiderman gains in popularity, winning accolades and awards for his television appearances.

And then.....

And then Peter comes home one night to find a police care outside his Aunt and Uncle's home, and Peter receives the terrible news that Uncle Ben is dead, having been murdered by a burglar. Hmmm.

I was very confused by this at first, because the scene hadn't happened. You know the one. With the line. How the hell is Uncle Ben going to impart his final words of wisdom if he's already dead??

Peter runs off to the warehouse where the robber is hiding out. The cops are standing around outside doing nothing because "...he'll pick us off like flies if we charge in there," which.... okay... sure we'll go with that. Actually this pretty much tracks with reality.

So Spiderman goes in, confront the robber, then *gasp*, sees his face, and it's none other than the exact same robber that he previously let escape. He wraps him up in a web, leaves him for the cops (who are still standing around outside) and goes home to cry, knowing that he is, at least partially, responsible for Ben's death.

But what about the line?? You know the one.

Wait, oh...

So, wait, Ben doesn't actually say this line in the comics?? The narrator says it? I swear there were a number of Marvel fans screaming online about how not having Ben Parker say this line to Peter in the MCU was hugely disrespectful to both Peter and Ben as characters.

Huh....imagine that.

Okay, so this was fun. it wasn't super exciting, as I knew pretty much everything that was going to happen (thank you MCU for not rehashing this yet again), but it was nice to see the original take on it. I imagine the big reveal was very impactful for readers at the time.

I've never actually been a huge Peter Parker fan, but I plan to give it shot, along with all my other faves, see how his story developed over the decades. I can't say this issue really swayed me, but then, there wasn't a lot new here for me, so we'll see.

I will say, I missed the dry humor and sassiness of Steve. I really think people sleep on how fun the Cap comics were, even in their original incarnation.

[maze-runner-hcs-and-theories]

Regarding The Maze Cutter...

This isn't a theory or anything, just wanted to talk about this book. To anyone wondering whether its worth it to read the Maze Cutter, here's some of my thoughts on it ( without many spoilers)

Pros

1: It's kind of a continuation of Newt's story... kind of. There's excerpts from the journal he wrote in Crank palace which were my favourite parts of the book. His death plays a major part in the Godhead organisation - and maybe the remnent Nation?

2: I liked how Daschner explores a post-flare world in more detail and shows how the planet is slowly recovering. It's also interesting to see what's happened in the years since the Death Cure

3: Frypan has more of a role!

4: I'm not entirely certain on this one, but I thought I'd mention it for the Minho fans. There's a character named Lacey who I think is implied to be a decendent of Minho because of her determination to use Glader Slang like her Grandfather did or something.

5: Switches perspectives, which kind of works.

Cons:

1: It's definitely my least favourite book in the entire Maze Runner series, doesn't have the same energy as the other ones and the characters feel pretty flat.

2: While a focus on Newt is always welcome, it feels really forced in this book. Almost like Daschner is trying to get people to read his books by putting him in there haphazardly

3: The dialogue between the characters felt really flat as well and none of the characters really felt connected to eachtoher (except Minho and Roxy kind of ). Like Sadina and Isaac are meant to be super close friends but it just doesn't really feel that way at all.

4: With all the different perspectives, you see different parts of the world and story, however they don't really have their own voices and it feels tricky to differentiate between them.

5: Alexandra's storyline just felt so separate from the rest of the story and was boring to read until her last chapter.

Those are my thoughts on the Maze Cutter off the top of my head, I'm going to get the next book - The Godhead Complex - and will let you know if it's better or worse.

[tobiasdrake]

Deeper we go. Yuma must face the true nature of this city.

Blank Week Mystery. When Huesca's army of ravenous immortals, exposed to sunlight, ate every human being in Kanai Ward.

We ready to confront the reality of what that is, Yuma? Or do we need to do some more rounds of puzzle-solving first?

Looks like we're going straight there. Here we go, Yuma. The true Ultimate Secret of Kanai Ward. The true nature of the city and its inhabitants.

There it is. The truth about this entire city and its residents that Yuma didn't want to find. But that has been undeniable since the moment we realized what the Restricted Area truly is.

Not so. All you need to understand is what happened to the original residents. Which is pretty obvious if you think about it for two seconds.

What they don't remember is the week itself, because they spent it being driven berserk by the sun.

That's what drove them to attack Kanai Ward to begin with.

I still want to know how the arrival of night didn't cause this to happen. The sun didn't remain in the sky for the full week. It had to go down for many hours, several times.

Maybe the moon's reflection cast enough sunlight on the city to keep the homunculi in their berserk state? But Makoto said if they remain berserk for too long, they'll die and then regenerate in their perma-feral state. How long is too long?

Everyone in Kanai Ward thinks they're human. Makoto's gone to great lengths to ensure that they're kept in conditions that will retain their sapience, without them ever knowing.

Dr. Huesca manslaughtered this entire city. With the exception of the Master Detectives, everyone we've met here is the doppelganger of a corpse.

They didn't even realize they weren't the originals, so they simply stepped back into their lives as if they'd never left them.

Of course. As previously noted, they were rightfully but tragically paranoid of Amaterasu's blood test. Not that it would have mattered anyway to them, since everybody died. The only difference between the real Kurumi and Gramps is that Kurumi has an unsuspecting impersonator living out her life for her.

It's the sole reason that the homunculi are able to live domestic lives here at all. Makoto's weather machine restored Kanai Ward to a semblance of normalcy without any of the homunculi ever being the wiser.

Thus preventing them from reviving in a feral state and attacking anyone else. I'd first thought that it was to prevent them from being discovered but the revelation that they revive feral changed everything. It's clear that the rapid removal of corpses is for the city's benefit.

Makoto's always insisted that he loves and cherishes this city. I believe that. He sees the homunculus residents as kindred.

They didn't want humans coming here or, worse, homunculi leaving. This city was designed to effectively be a secret homunculus preserve.

Humans. It's a nutritional requirement to keep the homunculi from losing their minds and going feral again.

That's why Number One and the WDO have been kidnapping the culprits from their investigations. The WDO knew the truth about this city from the beginning. Their agenda in sending everyone here to "discover" it remains unclear.

It's also weird that he's you, Yuma. There is something weird happening here. Maybe this is Makoto in disguise or something?

Is it because they have pink blood? Special characteristics in the blood has been mentioned as a means of differentiating humans from homunculi. "Because it's pink" seems so obvious as to be a silly answer. You'd think someone would have noticed if their blood was the wrong color from a human's.

But. Maybe.

HOPE SPRINGS ANEW

The blood is pink BECAUSE HOMUNCULI confirmed. Man, this has implications for anyone writing a Danganronpa crossover fic, but that's beside the point.

This point firmly establishes that only homunculi have pink blood. Not humans. Never humans.

Yuma's red blood is something I noticed back on the train, when he left a bloodstain on the door lock after breaking open the window. I thought I simply misremembered, since I didn't get a good look at it. But we see his red blood in the Labyrinth Questions every time Shinigami slashes out his throat, too.

Yuma is 100% human. That makes sense, since he came from outside of Kanai Ward. But he also lost his memories, so a possibility certainly existed that he came from Kanai Ward and something something WDO conspiracy nonetheless.

But no. He's a red-blooded human. Just like the Master Detectives that Makoto fed to the homunculi.

Just. Like.

The Master Detectives.

Y'all. I think Makoto may have pulled a fast one.

Good for him. Maybe his head doesn't have to go in a box. I am willing to put my homicidal fury on the backburner until we know why our friends' alleged corpses would have homunculus blood.