#Next chapter if I don't get careies away again

[ailithnight]

A few notes:

I originally planned to have this one have a couple of povs like the first, but then u got carried away writing feral Danny so, just Tim today.

I hope to get the next one out sometime this weekend cause it's harder to write when I have work.

Also, everyone thank @cursedzucchini for writing the comment that gave me the executive function to take these words out of my brain and put them in my phone. Reading that there was someone out there checking the tag for updates every day really motivated me.

Now, without further ado

Chapter 1

A King in Arkham

Chapter 2

Tim sighs, rubbing his temples and attempting to will away the sleep deprivation headache currently pounding on the inside of his skull. Pushing 80 hours awake, the last 38 of which have been spent combing backwards through any and all Arkham documents pertaining to one Daniel James Fenton.

He moved his hands away from his head, placing them on the fresh cup of coffee that had materialized while he was massaging, giving a cursory "Thanks" the retreating body. Normally, Alfred would have cut Tim off from caffeine yesterday. But it seems even the old butler was keen on something being found to justify pulling the kid out of Arkham.

Or maybe that was Jason fueling Tim's addiction. Man had been hovering since Batman called him back at the last break out. At least Dick had been able to reason better with the most volatile of the Wayne siblings.

"Picking him up and running won't do either of you any favors, Little Wing. It'll just put him and Hood on wanted posters. If you want him to have any shot at a life out here, you gotta let Bruce take it through the proper channels."

That had at least prevented Jason from snapping on anyone immediately, though he had seen fit to warn everyone that of they didn't have something by the next break out, he'd be doing it his way.

Which is why Tim had spent the last day and a half poring over every medical record, therapy session, schedule, action report, and discipline slip Arkham had on file that even mentioned Patient 26B.

Meanwhile, Oracle had her hands full trying to find any background information on the young ward. A task which itself was proving challenging because the place the kid came from seemed to have no digital presence at all. None. Not a Facebook or Twitter or MySpace pinging from the area. Not an email address or YouTube account. Not a single god damned website. Not even a .gov! Hell, the only reason they knew the city's name is because it was listed in the CPS paperwork from Chicago.

In other places, small towns and communities in the middle of nowhere, this wouldn't really raise any red flags. But Amity Park was not actually a nowhere town. It certainly wasn't a Gotham or Metropolis. But it was big enough to have formed a conurbation with the nearby city of Elmerton. Which had a perfectly normal digital presence. So Amity Park's lack of digital presence screamed Communications Blackout. A frighteningly strong one to still be giving Oracle the run around almost 2 days later.

Once Tim was finished reviewing Arkham reports, then the 3 weeks of documents from Daniel's stay in Chicago, he'd probably offer to help her. Though she might tell him to go the fuck to sleep instead.

For now. Tim was nearing the beginning of the kid's Arkham stay and; on top of not yet finding any clues as to why the kid was in Arkham, nor anything that could possibly exonerate him; the kid just made no damn sense!

His therapy sessions were all the same dead end.

The therapist would ask he he was feeling. The kid would apparently shrug, or sometimes mumble something the therapists could never quite catch.

They'd ask the standard suicide questions. "Any thoughts of wishing you could go to sleep and not wake up?"

A shrug.

"Any thoughts of wanting to take your own life or wishing someone would take it for you?"

Vehenement refusal bordering on a panic attack.

Move on to the hurting people questions.

"Any thoughts of wanting to harm other people?"

"No." According to the doctors, his tone here is immediate, calm, confident. Truthful. If the Arkham psyches are to be believed.

"Any thoughts of wanting to harm yourself?"

"No." Slower, quieter, meeker. Noted as a clear lie, citing the injuries as evidence.

"Then why do you, Danny?"

"I don't."

"Then where did your injuries come from."

"The ghosts," said with a sigh

At this point, it seems Daniel shuts down. He says nothing else for the rest of the session. Shows no outward response as the therapist tries to convince him there are no ghosts and Daniel must be giving himself those injuries.

2 and a half months. Daily therapy sessions. And every single one is the exact same script. The only differences are some minor notes as Daniel is passed around between therapists as they all inevitably get frustrated talking to the emotionless block of ice.

Outside of the therapy sessions and medical reports documenting the frankly horrifying amount of injuries Danny accumulates, there's not much in his file. He follows all instructions to the letter; never causes trouble for guards or other inmates; and every single locks malfunction, he has afterward been found lying on his bed in his cell staring at the ceiling. If he was somewhere else when the malfunction happened, security footage catches him walking there himself. If he was already in his cell, footage keeps him there the whole time.

Tim sighs again, clicking out of the medical report detailing the nasty bruise that had appeared on the kid's lower left back, then opens up the next file up without reading the name fully expecting it to be another tedious therapy session report.

Instead, he finds a discipline slip with the relevant security clip embedded at the top. The first frame is of the cafeteria. Daniel is sitting alone at a table in the top right. Tim's breath catches in his throat as he recognizes the demented clown in the center of the frame. Hastily, he plays the clip.

There is no sound but Joker appears to say something to the room. Daniel is suddenly standing, whipped around to face the clown. The Joker turns towards him. Daniel tenses. The Joker tenses.

In the next second, Daniel is on the Joker. He's kicking, scratching, biting. Absolutely feral as he just reigns fury upon the most feared and hated rogue in all of Gotham. Surrounding inmates are fleeing to the sides of the room as the Joker seemingly tries to get away from the kid, only succeeding in moving the "fight" around the room. It's hardly a fight. More like a vicious, brutal assault. Inmates cheer as blood appears on the floor. Guards move in, pulling the feral 15 year old off of the Joker; who stays down, potentially unconscious. 2 guards go to help the one currently attempting to restrain Daniel. 6 more converge on the Joker, blocking him from view. As soon as he can no longer see the Joker, Daniel seems to go limp in the guards hands. Then he tenses again, though not struggling. Tim just catches the beginning stages of what seems to be a panic attack before the clip ends.

Tim stares dumbfounded at the screen for several moments. When he snaps out of it enough to actually read the incident report, it is a basic transcription of what Tim just witnessed with confirmation that Daniel had a panic attack immediately after. The report also notes that other than the panic attack, Daniel seemed to sustain no harm. He was disciplined with 3 days without cafeteria privileges, so his meals were brought to his cell, and 3 days without Crafts room privileges.

A note at the bottom of the report reads "To prevent further incidents, Patient 26B and the Joker are no longer permitted to be in the same room or yard."

This makes Tim click out of the discipline slip -without closing it, just moving it to a different section of the batcomputer's massive screen- and scan the rest of the files. There are 2 more. One from a week prior and one from Daniel's first dat at Arkham. He opens both, placing them at points on the screen so that all 3 are visible.

The one from the week prior shows the Crafts Room. Danny is again in an upper corner. Time plays it. The door opens. Joker walks in. Seems to look at Daniel, then rushes him. Daniel looks up before the Joker makes it half way across the room, then in the next second meets him there. Another feral fight only broken up by the guards when the Joker stops moving. Again, Danny goes limp as soon as the Joker is out of sight. The rest of the report confirming a panic attack but no injuries. 2 days lost privileges.

The report from Daniel's first day again shows the cafeteria. This time, Daniel is center frame. Joker comes up behind him. Daniel tenses but doesn't turn yet. Joker seems to be saying g something, then laughs. Daniel hunches in on himself, seeming to mumble a response. Whatever he said makes the Joker laugh harder. Then he leans down over Daniel's shoulder, talking. Daniel seems frozen for not even half a second before he suddenly pushes himself out of his seat, straight in to the Joker, twisting as he goes to begin the attack. Since it's obviously the first time, the rest of the cafeteria freezes. No one reacts for a solid 6 seconds. Then guards are moving in, hauling the teenager away. The Joker stands unsteadily then takes a knee. He has to be led limping out of the room. Guards struggle to restrain Daniel until the Joker is gone, whereafter Daniel goes boneless, then begins panicking. Report confirms panic attack and no injuries. 1 day lost privileges.

Tim stares at the batcomputer for several minutes, trying very hard to process what he has just learned. His brain feels like soup. He rubs his eyes, looks at his coffee, grabs a comm to put in his ear. His voice is strained as he speaks.

Anyone nearby who can come to the cave for a minute?

Jason responds instantly.

Upstairs. Find something?

I don't... know. I just. Someone come confirm I didn't just hallucinate what I just watched and read.

Red Robin? What did you find?

Not saying until someone else can confirm it.

Red Robin

On my way down.

.

"What the actual fuck?"

[reasaph]

"I don't believe in God, but I believe that your my savior.

Soshiro Hoshina x Suicidal Fem reader!

Summary: (name) a person who has no beliefs, no reason and no will to live gets hospitalized after another attempt. There, she meets Soshiro Hoshina and looked forward to waking another morning ever since.

Authors note: THIS FEELS SO RUSHED AHHH. I don't like how reader likes him at first meeting :((, I'll try to do better next chapter.

TW: Suicide, self-destructive behavior, cussing, reader gets attracted a lil to fast, Injury, mention of drugging, the angst lessens at the end.

The title is from the song "Sailor song" by Gigi Perez!

Part 1

You oh so desperately wanna fuck with death. You wonder if The reaper is gentle when leading you to its chambers. The thought crosses the cocoon of your brain every time you gamble with your life on edge.

Every time a noose is slipped past the crown of your head and on the way to envelope your neck in the most lovingly way its ever been craddled. Every time you swallow those intoxicating pills which you found and deemed adorable because of its miniature size, theyre so small, perfect for the way they kill you off slowly (atleast was supposed to).

In every attempt, you wonder, will death be as beautiful as you imagined?

This time is no different.

The breeze felt nice, it was cool against your skin. The sun was shining brightly, much to your predicament. Its as if it was mocking you, screaming at your presence 'the day will not mourn you, go ahead and jump but not a soul will bat an eye or shed a tear'. Your feet carey you to the very edge, step by step. As odd as it may be, you dont wanna die on such a lovely day. It opposes the idea of your ideal and perfect suicide. You want the skies to feel as you feel. You want the clouds to heave and the horizon to dim. Your plan seems to be soiled by the tilt of earths axis just for today.

"I'll try tomorrow."

All of a sudden, the realization of how close you actually were to the edge hit you like a truck. It made you wobble and lose balance. Again, the world had other plans for you. It always does, never in your years of living has life been cooperative and actually side with you for fucking once. You learned to not care anymore, Embracing the wind as you fall, enjoying the nice breeze before your head cracks. It was warm when you hit the ground and it was oddly comforting. You could feel your eyes already dropping so you let them. You let your consciousness get taken away, you have no reason to fight anymore. You let yourself get lost, not bothering the sirens echoing in the background.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

You thought there was no next day for you. You were wrong, utterly wrong. You wake up in a hospital room. It was blindingly white, and the light on the ceiling only added to it. You had a hard time adjusting to the flashing hue's of the room. You could here the rhythmic beating of the machine beside you, lines drewn on the screen. It means your heart is still beating, it means your still alive. You could only sigh at that. A few couple minutes passes before a doctor came in, accompanied by a nurse. They checked your vitals and gave you fresh doses of whatever medicine. You dont care what they put inside your body, you'd just prefer if it was an some kind of sedative that could kill you.

"Every thing seems fine, no bad reactions and readings. Although for a few broken bones. Your lucky your fall was short, another floor high and your Skull wouldve cracked." he informs you. He doesn't even try to cover the grimace soaking his voice. Hes disgusted by you, Of course he is. You wish you could unsee the final glance he gave you as he exited the room, the nurse following in suit.

As soon as the door slides, It was only you again. Your thought's look back to replay he said, Lucky? You dont deem life precious enough to think that surviving is lucky. The next few hours were agonizingly painful. Like any other day, you just sat down on a matress and stared at the pristine marble on the floor or the peeling paint of the walls. It was only a Matter of time before you bang Your head repeatedly as a form of entertainment. You couldn't take it anymore, your mouth felt as dry as a dessert and your legs are aching to move.

You put on your slippers and the next minute you find yourself roaming the Labrynth of these hospital walls. You force yourself to walk even if your legs still hurt, in result you just limp. You were pretty sure you looked like a corpse in others eyes right now, dragging your feet and breathing as if you were just being forced to, not to mention the hospital gown your wearing. If you dont find a vending machine in the next counting Seconds, you were sure your gonna trip. A few more given minutes adventuring through hallways and dragging the weight of your body with your damaged leg and your perseverance was graced with the finding of the cafeteria.

There was tons of food to fill a plate with, but you only came here for a drink. Besides, you dont like the feeling of being full. It was always uncomfortable to you every time your stomach filled to the brim, you always vomit a lil after a full meal. You make your way to the lined up vending machines, entertained by the numerous colorful hues on the labels of the drinks. There are a variety to choose from; coffee probably for stressed out doctors, flavoured juice probably for children and lots more to choose from. You look at the prices and grimace, a bottle of water here costs twice more than a bottle of water outside. You could guess the reason why, yet still find it unbelievable. Companies are shit.

Patting the depths of your pockets to grab your wallet. Your eyes widen when you don't feel its shape bulging through the fabric. You shoved your hand in the pit and grieve the fact that no solid matter was occupying its space. You honestly felt like sobbing. You dragged yourself all the way here and it'll result to nothing. Theres no one to blame but yourself, really. You were always told that you never used your brain for common sense, if someone could see you right now, they'd laugh at your idiocity for sure. And no, you didn't feel the presence approaching you from behind.

"Uh can i use it now—?"

You've never whipped your head so fast that you swear you heard something crack. But you dont care about that, the only thing that you poured all your utmost attention is the man in front of you, staring directly at his face and him reciprocating. The first thing you took notice of is his hair, a mesmerizing blob of purple. You never thought once in life you'd find a bowl cut plesantly aesthetic to look at.

"Mam, ya ok? Yer staring at me like ya'v seen a ghost." He has a dialect, ok, thats added to the list.

"No, uh. I forgot my wallet, my bad. I'll be on my way now." You said you were going yet you havent moved a muscle. You still havent moved away from blocking the vending machine and you curse yourself for it. You could only blame it on your leg, but theres something else holding you back. He'll probably shove you away, wont he? You hope he would, so you'd snap out of your weird episode and get going.

"Ya look like you've been dragged here. Move, I'll treat you."

That was unexpected. You never thought those were the bunch of words that would come out of his mouth. He's smilling to, revealing the fang thats been covered. Does he actually mean it? No, thats not the question you need to ask. Does he have as much interest in you as you have with him? Or is he just this friendly by nature?

"Really? Thank you very much.. Sir?"

"Hoshina, Soshiro Hoshina. And ya dont need to call me sir. "His laugh made you stagger, it was melodic. A tune rivalling the most beautiful songbirds. You drag yourself to a bench and sit down as he drops coins down the slot. You look at him the entire time, drinking every detail about him you can possibly take in. The fact that he has bandages all over his figuer A the hospital gown, the scarlet of his pupils that reveals itself everytime he opens his eyelids, the way his hands were bruised and calloused with seemingly really old scars. All of it, you wanted to learn as much as you can.

" here, hope ya like coffee." He has that huge smile on his face again, maybe thats what intrigued you so much. How he smiles like he's never been unfortunate since his day of birth. It pissed you off but also made you extremely envious.

"Thanks, I'll make it up to you next time." You dont know what you meant by that. What next time were you talking about? No way, you actually want to see him again. No way, because never have you ever looked forward to anything despite your last breath. So why were you making excuses just to spend eVen a second more in his presence?

"Next time, huh? Sounds great, although You dont really hafta."

"I want to. Breakfast tomorrow at 8?"

"Oho, really straightforward aint ya, lil miss?"

"(Name)"

You wonder if you've said anything wrong because of the evident look of confusion on his face. Immediately, you try to redeem yourself.

"I've never mentioned my name. "

That worked, you thought, because Of the way he let out an Exgerrated 'ohh' as if the clogs in his brain started functioning again.

"Then, nice to meet ya, (name)!"

And then one thing lead to another. The conversation between you two kept going on, from one topic to another. The topics ranging from 'dont you think the cafeteria nuggets are fire?' to talks about the theories of shows you two happen to both watch. No personal questions were asked yet between the two of you. But you oh so badly want to ask the reaskn hes hospitalized right now and covered in bandages. Of course you dont utter a word about it, not wanting burst the bubble that created a comfortable atmosphere between the two of you. Here, On the bench with him. Its the most joyous you've been in months. If you could be greedy, you'd just stay here with him. But thats not gonna happen, no way life had given him to you for a good reason. But for now, you'll bask in every moment you spend with him.

You'll have a reason to wake up next morning.

[smeemyselfandi]

Ranking every 2023 film I've seen since January 1 2023 to June 25 2024 from best to worst:

Oppenheimer- Eye opening and a chef kiss of a ending.

Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse: Not as good as the first but still done very well and kept my interest even though I'm over the whole Multi-verse thing.

Poor Things- The message is simple but told in a unique way and was a very interesting watch.

Godzilla Minus One- A serious Godzilla movie is just a better Godzilla movie.

Blackberry- The start of this movie before the time jump is so great but it kinda goes down after that.

Asteroid City- It was a bit hard to follow but I got it pretty well and enjoyed the silliness and serious parts.

Killers of The Flower Moon- Too Long. Felt a lot of it could've been cut but still good and a story worth telling.

Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol 3- The stuff with Rocket is really well done but everything else is silly and not as done as well as the other two.

Maestro- I loved Carey Mulligan performance and didn't get the hate for this.

The Killer- I enjoyed it and was into most of it. Don't know what people expected.

John Wick: Chapter 4- If you don't take it seriously it's a fun watch.

Fingernails- Unique film that I enjoyed just for that.

Barbie- Better than I expected but are the male characters suppose to be more interesting than the females?

Nimona- Animation and characters are good but the story is a story you've seen before but told in a different way.

The Iron Claw- Good but felt it could've been better

The Boy and the Heron- I wanted a more personal story or a big fantasy adventure. This tried to do both and didn't work as well.

Late Night with the Devil-A interesting premise done well but not as scary as you would hope.

Next Goal Wins- Heartwarming and fun but maybe not as accurate and a bit cliche.

Dungeons and Dragons: Honor Among Thieves- It's like a Marvel fantasy film and that's not necessarily a bad thing

Saltburn- I was a bit confused on how they wanted me to view this movie but it was good film.

The Creator- Liked better than others. Mainly for how it looked and the acting. The story was cliche.

Beau is Afraid- I was so excited for this but its message was so basic for such a weird story and didn't need to be as long as it was.

Hot Potato: The Story of the Wiggles- Didn't realize there was so much drama when it came to the Wiggles

Leave The World Behind- Very interesting premise that led to a letdown conclusion.

Knock at the Cabin- Wish it was done better than it was. It's a better M Night movie but felt it could've been better.

Super Mario Bros. Movie- Everything you heard bad about this movie is probably true but dangit nostalgia got me.

Past Lives- Oh god. I'm sorry okay but it wasn't as good as I hoped but the acting was good!

Saw X- One of the better Saw but nothing beats the first.

Dream Scenario- The premise is good but overstays its welcome.

Evil Dead Rises- It was fine. There wasn't much not to like about it but nothing blew me away either.

Scream 6- Let down from Scream 5 or whatever you want to call it. Too bad this is the end of Scream an (d they're never making another again (you heard me)

The Marvels- Not as bad as people say but felt it needed bigger stakes

Priscilla- A bit boring. Felt it needed more to show or say.

Missing- Gets silly by the end just like the first one but the lead in this was not good unlike the first one.

A Good Person- A very depressing watch with a lame ending.

Elemental- World is weird and doesn't make much sense and it's a Romeo and Juliet story as you expect but I still wasn't bored.

Blue Beetle- I wanted this film to be good so bad but it was so basic.

Stan Lee- Wasn't as biased as I thought but it was big Marvel love fest. 39- Shazam! Fury of the Gods- It's like the Shazam never grew up and he's really annoying in it.

Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania: Feels so long since I've seen this. Kang was good for a bit but nothing else really stood out.

The Flash- I didn't hate this as much as everybody else. Probably mainly because of Ezra Miller performance even though I hate to admit that.

Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom- I don't know what this was but it wasn't Aquaman.

She Came to Me- The characters were lame for the most part.

Paint- Should've just made a Bob Ross biopic.

Wish- This was like a Disney tribute movie but not done well and just a mess.

Plane- Why did people like this? It was lame action movie that I barely remember.

[blackrosesfanfic]

Chapter 262

Alex

I try once again to get the shirt to go down over my belly. This is ridiculous. Overnight I have become a size medium for no apparent reason. I mean I can't even see my fucking baby bump. My stomach feels hard as a brick but nothing. No visible change. I look at the time. I suck my teeth and throw the shirt across the room. I stomp to the front door and swing it open. Jamaal walks in looking down at my half dressed body.

"The... you not ready?"

"I can't fit nothing in my closet!" I yell.

He makes his eyes big. "Already?"

I push him then walk away. "Go without me."

"I can't complete this deal without you being there. They don't want to see my ass. I'm going as your boyfriend. I'm tagging along. Not representing nothing."

"I can't go without shit to wear!"

Jamaal blows. "So what do you need? I'll get someone in Dallas to go shopping for you."

"No." I snap. "Buying what's on the shelves? I can't trust anyone to do it right."

"You don't have any clothes that... maybe a loose dress. Something that was made to be big? A pants suit?"

I go back to my clothes. "I have to button all my suits. They not made for wearing open."

"Where is that suit with the gold pocket?"

"I probably gave it away."

He snatches something off the rack. "No you didn't. It was too big right?"

I take it from him. "Yeah."

"And that dress your mother bought you that was from the vintage collection and was sized different?"

"All that stuff over there."

He pulls something out. "This is cute."

I try the pants on then the top. It fits almost too big but good enough. I blow. I have to wear too big clothes already? So I'm gain weight super fast? I wipe the tears from my eyes.

"I'm fucking... Damn." I say crying harder.

"You gonna wear that on the plane or just pack it?"

I take it back off and throw each piece at Jamaal. I throw on some sweat pants and a  Hoodia. Jamaal gives me a funny look. I throw the Hoodia back off. Yeah that's extra. Maybe just a cute sun dress. I put it over my head the look down. Okay. I take the sweat pants off.

"I'm too fucking vain to be pregnant."

"Yes, but if Mariah Carey can pull it off you can too."

I blow. "I need to diet."

"No then your teeth will fall out and your hair."

"That's not real!" I hug myself.

He nods. "The baby will take all your nutrient. Leave you sagging and brittle."

I cry again. "Fucking stupid ass birth control."

"Mighty sperm." He says holding up his arm.

"Oh so it's your fault?"

"Can we sue the birth control company?"

I roll my eyes at him. "You are going to get tired of me."

"I knew you before you were pregnant. Trust me I'm good." He says holding up a dress. "For the meeting?"

"It's too short not too big."

He puts it next to his body. "Does look short."

"It rides up and has that spit."

"Oh." He flips it over. "Ass out. Throw it away."

I snatch it hanging it back up. "I can just get it tailored."

"You know your clothes like people know their kids." He takes out my suitcases. "Sevyn had to stay at the hospital overnight for being dehydrated and malnourished. You like hospital stays?"

"I get it." I snap.

He comes over to me. "You know mean girls are soft as fuck pregnant."

"Only thing ever soft on me is my pussy."

"You sure?"

I smell him. "You smell like a bagel."

"Uh... I got you coffee and a bagel with turkey and egg white. Cheese on the side."

"Creamer?"

"On the side."

I look down at myself. "Did you grab shoes?"

He puts some slides on the ground. "Wanna head to the car? Let em know we coming?"

"Underwear?"

"Socks and toiletries. I know how to pack."

"I don't take my toothbrush from the house. There's some bags already made in that box. Grab one."

He does as told. "You got draws and shit in here. I thought I was going to get a zip lock bag."

"Holy shit." I say crossing my arms. "Bitch I been on birth control too damn long. I forgot about this emotional shit. I'm hungry."

"You emotional or hungry?"

I leave out the closet and grab my phone. "Cammie!"

"Damn, what?" She snaps.

"How do I fix this shit? Like... I don't know. Like the emotions and shit?"

She giggles. "Have the baby."

I suck my teeth. "I shouldn't have called you."

"Fix your fucking life. No point asking if you meant to be pregnant. Did you come to terms with it? Accept it? My first pregnancy was from hell. My second one was a bit better but I didn't have my man like I wanted. So I don't know."

"Ugh." I suck my teeth. "Jamaals gonna hate me."

"I'm not!" He yells.

I roll my eyes. "So if I keep him around I'll have a better pregnancy than you?"

She sucks her teeth. "Bitch I guess."

"I can't handle your attitude." I say crying.

She blows. "Seriously?"

I wipe my face. "I'm so damn soft."

"Talk to a damn therapist cause who cares about you being soft? Who said you had to be tough? And who the hell said you can't cry?"

"A therapist? Yeah I'll do that." I say about to hang up. I put the phone back to my ear. "K bye."

"Call me anytime. I'll try to remember you can't handle me."

"Bitch."

She giggles hanging up. I cross my arms.

"What if I stay emotional?" I scream. "Oh no."

"Our ride is getting impatient."

I go into the bathroom. "Who the fuck cares? They not getting paid?"

"They are."

"Okay then tip them or some shit. Rushing me."

Chris

I throw my arms up in the air. "Shad. Where the fuck you been?"

"Trying to get some shit setup." He says dapping me up.

"You came to visit the royal family?"

He shrugs. "I ain't seen Caden."

"Eva?" I snap.

"Naw." He looks back into the car. "First time I had my baby in 2 months. She started school."

I open the door as he takes his daughter out of the car. I close the door. She was sleeping hard. I pinch her nose. She doesn't fucking move. If I didn't see her damn breathing I would think she fucking dead.

"You give her some shit?"

"She was at a birthday party. Been sleeping since I picked her up."

I poke her back. "They had liquor at the party?"

Bow laughs. "No nigga."

"Amber pregnant."

"Damn by who?" He frowns when I react. "Shit what I miss?"

I walk away from him. "Unbelievable."

"Wha?" He says to himself.

"Aye, look who I found."

Lane walks up looking behind me. He pulls Shai from Bow's fucking hands almost. He grabs her causing a chain reaction. Lane hits the floor and screams like somebody pushed him. Shai pops her head up and looks at Lane on the ground screaming. She starts to go to Lane but then grabs Bow's face.

"Dad!" She screams.

"Yeah." He kisses her. "Why you surprised?"

She hugs him. "How I get here?"

"Huh?" He says as she gets down falling on Lane.

"Lane!"

Lane laughs excited. "You went to where?"

"I be in school." She says standing up. "Mama!"

Cammie comes rushing out the kitchen. "Is that my baby?"

Shai jumps up. "Yes!"

"Oh my gosh. Look at you." Cammie kneels down kissing her. "Oh I missed you."

"What's up, Cammie?" Bow says.

She looks up. "I don't even got words for you no more. Hey."

"Cause I'm sorry and you love me."

"Look at you trying to get taller than me." Cammie says hugging her again. "Come see Miami. Look at this girl."

She leaves out of the room. I tap Shad on his shoulder then carry then bag I had to the bedroom. Amber yawns laying down on the bed. She only had on a house coat that barely covered her ass. I put the bag on the bed. She gets under the cover closing her eyes.

"You came here to sleep?" I say hitting her foot.

"Leave me alone, mister."

"You ain't seen your bestie and this what you do? Get up." I say grabbing her foot and pulling it.

She giggles not opening her eyes. "I don't even got the fucking energy, bruh. Damn."

I hit her ass. "I'm ready to know what this baby is. Yo?"

"Chris!" Lane runs into the room. "You baby. You baby crying."

"Who my baby?" I snap.

"The girl."

I smile. "What her name Lane?"

"Kamirah."

"Who?"

Amber kicks me. "Minnie."

"I forgot she had a name."

"You get yo baby!"

I walk out of the room pushing Lane on the floor. He falls on his ass laughing. He gets up then starts screaming crying. Oh my goodness. Ike runs out into the hall looking around. He stares at me. What kid? I jump at him. He runs back into the room slamming the door. Someone starts fussing inside of the room then there's silence.

"Where my baby?" I say walking in the kitchen.

"Nigga go back into that room where you left her." MiMi says.

I lift the blanket up. She slaps my hand away messing the blanket up more. I throw it at her face. She was breastfeeding the baby. I lean on the counter.

"So how do I keep my relationship through this pregnancy? I'm taking all criticism." I say looking around.

"Boy please." Miami says.

I cut my eyes at her. "What that mean?"

"That you too emotional." She spats.

"Be understanding and don't cheat." Cammie says. "Fucking some bitch can give your girlfriend and baby a deadly disease. Bitches nasty."

Bow walks into the room. "Trey not in the best spirits."

"We know that?"

"Oh." Bow says blowing. "The show being cancelled."

"For real?" I say looking at him.

"Yeah. I got more fucking time to do shit. Who out there with Shai?"

Cammie looks around. "JJ and Dee."

Bow starts walking towards the door. He stops near Miami. "What you got under there?"

"A baby fool." She snaps.

"Seriously?" He says leaning over and touching Minnie's little foot that was sticking out a bit. "Oh yeah. You was pregnant. Damn."

I stand up. "Maybe I can order some food."

"The mamas doing that already." Cammie says. "Where is the lazy belly?"

"Amber? Sleep."

Cammie throws some stuff in the blender. "She probably ain't get no sleep in that hospital."

"What are you doing?" I ask walking closer.

"Making mush."

I look at the stuff. "A smoothie?"

"You want to taste it?"

"Naw you being too nice about that shit. Mush?"

She chuckles. "Breastmilk, Bananas, and rice cereal."

"Man." I say walking away. "Fucking women."

"Chris."

I turn my head only. "Hmm?"

"Apologize right now for everything and just try to be happy. You being happy will make her happy." MiMi says.

"I like that." Cammie says.

"She hated me for being happy." I suck my teeth not looking at them.

"No she was anemic and dehydrated. She is happy. Just be yourself. Loyal." Cammie says.

I shrug. "Okay. Be happy. Stay loyal."

"And fuck." Cammie laughs.

"Huh?" I spin around.

Her and MiMi were sharing giggles. I guess man.

[barry-j-blupjeans]

38 and Merle for the fluff prompts? :0

(I'm really missin Merle today </3 )

38. "May I have this dance?"

--

The sun was setting over the forest that lined the horizon, but the wedding reception for Carey and Killian was still in full swing. For the adults, at least. Mavis and Angus had taken up one of the tables in the back to stay away from the crowd at large. Angus had brought a few books along, as he promised he would last week when they talked over their Stones. Mavis would have brought her own books, but she wasn't really sure if she'd be allowed. A lot of the weddings at the Coralheart Clan were kind of stuffy and loud, and Mavis was told several times that "reading during an important event was rude". Mom defended her a lot, but it didn't always get through people's heads.

But this wedding, no one really commented on it. Maybe that's because they didn't have the Coralheart Clan's explanation, or maybe it was because they were too busy celebrating, but Mavis definitely wasn't going to complain. She was almost caught up with Caleb Cleveland, Kid Cop again and with the next book coming out this fall, she wanted to be ready.

Mookie had drained his energy out within the last few hours and now, he was on the chair next to Mavis, his head pressed against the table, fast asleep. He had one thumb in his mouth, a habit that Mom was trying to train him out of, and his shoes had been kicked off. Angus had already left because he had a "very important job interview for a very important job!" to get to tomorrow morning. He had left three books with her and, while Mavis was pretty tired herself, she was determined to get through this next one before going home.

"You doin' alright, pumpkin?" said a voice from her right. Mavis looked up to see Merle standing there. He had abandoned his bowtie and suit jacket directly after the ceremony and Mavis didn't know where his shirt and shoes had ended up, but they weren't with him now.

"I'm okay," Mavis said, voice low. She glanced over at Mookie and Merle followed her gaze.

"Might be time to get home soon," Merle said. "Don't wanna give a grumpy Mookie back to your mom, huh?"

"I just want to finish this book first," Mavis said. "I've got five more chapters."

"Gotcha," Merle said. Mavis lifted the book back up to read, but she didn't get past one line before Merle said, "If you got time for five more chapters, d'you think you've got time to for a dance with your old man?"

Mavis glanced at her books. And then at Mookie, who snorted in his sleep. Then, back at Merle, who was smiling at her hopefully.

"Yeah," Mavis said, slipping an unused napkin between the pages (she'd normally dogear the page but these were Angus's books, after all). "I think I can do that."

"Well then," Merle said, holding out a hand. "May I have this dance?"

Mavis grinned, cheeks a little flushed. She took Merle's hand and hopped out of her seat. Her feet were aching and she was thankful Mom made her pack flat so she was able to take off her heels earlier. She followed Merle out to the middle of the dance floor, where he waved at somewhere behind her and lifted a thumbs up into the air. The music quieted and then stopped completely. And then, in place of the drums-heavy song they had had before, someone started to play the piano.

"It's a better vibe," Merle said, doing what might have been a wink, but with the one eye, it just looked like he was blinking at Mavis with intention. A violin joined in. Mavis's eyebrows shot up and Merle grinned. "Look, Killian asked 'em to play it anyway. Anyone ever teach you how to waltz, Mavvie?"

"Glymeth tried," Mavis said. "But it didn't work out too well."

"That's alright," Merle said. "Here, we're gonna divide it into little steps like this. Put your hands like this-" Merle moved Mavis's hands into position and she felt a little bit silly, but didn't comment on it. "And then we step this way, and then that way. One, two, yeah? And then-"

"Sorry!" Mavis said, retracting her foot from where she had stepped on Merle's.

"You're good!" Merle said. "Takes a while! Try again."

They repeated a simple motion a few times, Merle leading. Sometimes, Mavis would step on his foot and try to stop, but he'd just shake his head and smile. They spun as they danced, nearly crashing into a few of the other people around them. Mavis could see Aunt Lup and Uncle Barry playing their instruments on the stage when they turned one way. She could see Carey and Killian swaying softly, much less chaotic than earlier, when they turned the other.

When the song finally came to an end, Mavis was sweaty and out of breath, but she felt lighter than she had all day. Merle brought their hands down and they escaped off the dance floor, past Uncle Taako who was attempting to drag Mr. Kravitz into a salsa that seemed way too fast for the next song that began.

"I'll leave ya to your book," Merle said, voice lowering again as they got to Mookie. "And your done come find me, okay? I'll get'cha home."

"Okay," Mavis said, hopping back up onto her seat. Merle smiled and squeezed her shoulder, saying,

"Love ya, Mavvie."

Love you too, dad."

[himbeaux-on-ice]

oli's hockey fics - masterlist

since i publish anonymously, this is my closest thing to an ao3 profile for hockey fic. edited to update whenever new fics/teams are added, fics are complete unless marked otherwise with "WIP". comments & kudos always super appreciated!! <3

Habs:

please tell them my name [G | 2,014 words | PK Subban/Carey Price]

Vegas Golden Knights:

nice sox, bruh [G | 601 words | gen friendships]

series: where do you run [4 parts | Max Pacioretty/Mark Stone]:

1. nobody told ya (this is gonna fold ya) [G | 848 words]

2. when we get close (everyone knows) [G | 1,281 words]

3. trace your steps (and get back up again) [G | 4,364 words]

4. i don't believe in much (but i believe in us) [G | WIP: 2,189 words, 1/6 chapters]

i'm throwin' caution [T | 6,505 words | Max Pacioretty/Mark Stone]

settle down this beating heart [G | 2,247 words | Max Pacioretty/Mark Stone]

nothing shines brighter than you do [G | 300 words | Max Pacioretty/Mark Stone]

to be certain, we'll be tall again [G | 2,188 words | Max Pacioretty/Mark Stone]

kill the lights and kiss my eyes [E | 2,523 words | Max Pacioretty/Mark Stone]

just another way to scream your name [E | 3,002 words | Max Pacioretty/Mark Stone]

become what you're supposed to be [G | 3,775 words | Max Pacioretty/Mark Stone]

the world we're gonna make [G | 3,361 words | Max Pacioretty/Mark Stone]

spinning around you (too good to be true) [G | 1,955 words | Max Pacioretty/Mark Stone]

wish that i could wish it all away [G | 800 words | Max Pacioretty/Mark Stone]

you're movin' without movin' [E | 300 words | Max Pacioretty/Mark Stone]

tell me what you need (oh, you look so free) [E | 300 words | Max Pacioretty/Mark Stone]

i'll tend to the flame (you can worship the ashes) [E | 400 words | Max Pacioretty/Mark Stone]

lose my words every time i try [E | 400 words | Max Pacioretty/Mark Stone]

say it to me, let's embrace the point of no return [E | 455 words | Max Pacioretty/Mark Stone]

dawn [G | 100 words | Max Pacioretty/Mark Stone]

respite [G | 200 words | Max Pacioretty/Mark Stone]

mirror, mirror [G | 402 words | Max Pacioretty/Mark Stone]

rise [G | 200 words | Max Pacioretty/Mark Stone]

ain't no sunshine when she's gone [E | 400 words | Max Pacioretty/Mark Stone]

let me fall into your gravity [T | 1,431 words | Max Pacioretty/Mark Stone]

one for me and one for you [G | 5,418 words | Max Pacioretty/Mark Stone]

touch [T | 300 words | Max Pacioretty/Mark Stone]

i dunno where we're goin' (but i know that we're golden) [M | 9,603 words | Max Pacioretty/Mark Stone]

only wish that you could see (the way you love me) [G | 2,038 words | Max Pacioretty/Mark Stone]

fingerprints [T | 300 words | Max Pacioretty/Mark Stone]

still i find you, next to me [G | 6,306 words | Max Pacioretty/Mark Stone]

build our altar here [E | 3,244 words | Max Pacioretty/Mark Stone]

best medicine [G | 2,439 words | Max Pacioretty/Mark Stone]

warmth [G | 500 words | Max Pacioretty/Mark Stone]

don't fight (if you really feel it) [T | 1,339 words | Max Pacioretty/Mark Stone]

i've had no love like your love [E | 1,727 words | Max Pacioretty/Mark Stone]

tried going against my own soul's warning [T | WIP: 1,129 words, 1/6 chapters | Max Pacioretty/Mark Stone]

[artificialqueens]

Gimme Love, 3/9 (Miz Cracker/Blair St Clair) - Grinder

AN: Hey, guys! I hope yall are enjoying this fic so far! Throw me a like please if you do. TW for this chapter: Grief // Homophobia

2003 High School. The bane of my existence. Just as I thought elementary and middle school were terrible, High School really was something else. From my childhood therapy sessions, I learned to conceal my anger, avoid freakouts, and channel my emotions into other things. It was good for me, yeah. But it also made me a more reserved person. Things still made me angry, the other kids at school being a primary key to that. But I never defended myself. Ever. Of course, Jujubee always had my back. Only in later years did I learn to appreciate the times she'd yell at the other kids, telling them to fuck off and whatnot. But back then, I wished she hadn't. It only drew more negative attention. All I wanted was to get through those tough years. I would come home a lot, look at pictures of myself as a child. And I'd be so mad because only then did I see that I wasn't an ugly kid. I was adorable. But, God clearly had favourites 'cause puberty did not do me any favours. If only I had grown up in a more modern time when no one gave a shit about looks. When people were outspoken about the cruelty that came with shaming someone for their looks. When people were more aware of the psychological damage that could do. Again, God had favourites. From years of my eyesight getting worse and needing a new pair of glasses every time I went to the eye doctor, I had thick-rimmed frames that made me look straight out of the 70s. And the lenses made my eyes look huge. I looked like Bubbles from Trailer Park Boys. My hair was bigger but full of split ends due to lack of giving a shit about it. I begged Mom to let me bleach it blonde. She always straight up refused. I had braces for a whole year which, yeah, many people had braces, but one time while answering a question in class, I drooled. And no one let me hear the end of it. And makeup wasn't something I really fucked with. I tried it once, safe and sound in my own bedroom, and it looked woeful. Instead of working to get better, I accepted defeat in that I would always be ugly. "I'm serious, girl. The foundation was so bad. And it was too dark." I ranted to Jujubee as we headed to the bus stop. I was trying to smoke my cigarette as fast as I could before getting there. Mom never knew, and what she didn't know couldn't kill her. Of course, I didn't just go into the store and buy them myself. Instead, I took one a day from my Grandpa's supply. "Girl, you gotta test it first." She pointed out, adjusting her bag straps. "Juju, I got the lightest colour they had. I don't fucking get it. Every other girl in the school uses it. Maybelline shouldn't sell this shit." "You just need to find a different brand." She grabbed my shoulder and pulled me closer, "OK, don't tell my Mom, but I tried some of her MAC shit the other day, and my skin looked fucking flawless." She let me go, took my cigarette from me, taking a toke herself. "Well, how am I supposed to get my hands on that?" I took the cig back. "I don't see any MAC stores around here." "Oh, yeah? Well, you know what your Other World self would do?" Jujubee's brow raised, a sweet grin appearing on her mischievous face. "She would say fuck school, hop on the next bus to Cleveland and go straight to the MAC store." Blowing out some smoke, I looked at her, "Well, Other World you wouldn't be encouraging that sort of behaviour." "No, she wouldn't 'cause she'd be the first on the bus." Jujubee countered. "And she'd start the sing-song." "Yeah, well other world me would out-sing you 'cause she's a star. She's a fucking diva, bitch. Mariah Carey has nothing on her." We were too caught up in our fantasy world; we almost missed the vehicle driving past us. Only when we saw the cackling faces of the boys at the back of the bus did realisation take over. We were going to miss the bus. "Fuck." I uttered, watching the guys still flipping us off as they moved further and further away. To make matters worse, a car pulled up beside us. And of fucking course, it was Trevor Preston, the Captain of the football team. His two sidekicks were in the

back seat, Logan and Noah. "Aw, look, guys. The geeks just missed the bus." Trevor fake whined. In these situations, I just shut down. I thought it was for the best at the time, but fuck, if I could go back and punch that guy. "You know what? Why don't you mind your own fucking business, Trevor?" Jujubee squinted her eyes at him. “Wow, little fiesty, Juju.” He continued, "How about this? We all say sorry, and we can both ride with us to school." 'Hell fucking no.' I thought. "Oh yeah? And what's the catch?" Jujubee raised a brow. "You let me feel your tits," Trevor smirked, his two cronies snickered. "Ah, there it is. I thought that was what your pea-sized brain would come up with." Jujubee nodded her head. "So, hey, Brianna," Trevor shifted his attention, "You're awfully quiet. Don't I at least get a hello?" I was still frozen, feeling my anxiety brewing within. "Dude, don't be so sensitive. You know, if she opens her mouth, she'll just drool all over herself." Logan added, the three axe wounds beginning to snicker again. I felt like I should have at least opened my mouth to prove them wrong, or maybe spit on Trevor's car. But still, I just stood there. "Trevor, if you don't fuck off right now, I'm gonna key your car." Jujubee threatened. "Juju." I tried to stop her. "Wouldn't even have the chance, sweetheart. Either of you bitches come near my car; you'll never walk the halls again." How gentleman-like, threatening two girls. Funny how our safety was the price to pay for a car. Oh, men. "Keep that in mind," Trevor concluded before driving away with dumb and dumber. "You didn't have to do that." I looked at Jujubee. "I'm sorry they're such assholes." She replied, taking my hand in hers. I shook it off, however. "No, I mean, I wish you wouldn't do that." Jujubee crossed her brows, "what? So I'm supposed to sit there and just take it? No fucking way." "I know. But," I paused, "they kinda scare me. You know?" "Brie, there's nothing more pathetic than a man sweating over the safety of his ride." She retook my hand, "Don't be afraid of a cunt like him." "I mean, I can try not to. But I can't make any promises." I shrugged. "Anyway, what's the plan? How are we supposed to get there on time?" Jujubee was silent for a moment before replying with, "my Mom?" Her Mom did end up giving us a ride, much to my dismay. I would have preferred to take the day off. Or better yet, to just fucking drop out altogether. But Jujubee was always there to reassure me - I adored that bitch. I would have fucking taken a bullet for her. I would like to say that it wasn't just Jujubee and me, that we had a group of more friends. But these guys, I never really counted them as friends. A year prior, we both decided to try and improve our social lives by joining a club. The only one that would accept us was the chess club. Every other member was a guy, and they were nerds. Not that Jujubee and I minded. However, the problem was that they only let us in because...well, do I even need to explain? "So, Brianna," Jimmy decided to approach me at the end of one session, licking his hand and sweeping his hair from his face. "Because I beat you twice today, what do I get?" "...Excuse me?" "My prize. What do I get??" He put an arm around my shoulders. I was puzzled, "Uh, you can have my chicken nuggets at lunch." His grin was beginning to disappear. "Oh, I was thinking of something else. A kiss, maybe?" I felt bad for doing it, but my fight or flight response told me to just run from the room. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but these guys were just on another level of thirst. And it wasn't just me who they flirted with. Jujubee had informed me of a time Arnold convinced her to make out with him. She was all for it until she realised how awful of a kisser he was. And as the boys became more desperate, we decided that we were better off alone. Again, I was so grateful for Jujubee. I was surprised she stuck around, considering she had seen me at my worst when we were still so young. How the fuck had she not developed

issues of her own? Jujubee was the number one reason I even found the strength to just get up in the morning, drag my ass to school, and do my work - Well, aside from wanting to get good grades so I could go to a good college. The second reason? Blair. Unlike me, she was thriving. Our lives were totally cliche - me being the kid who grew up to be the nerd who only speaks when it's to answer a question. And Blair, growing up to be the head cheerleader. And I was still very much in love with her. What a fucking cliche. I avoided Blair at all costs for several reasons;

differing social circles (in my case, lack of),

her boyfriend, who was the Captain of the soccer team and wasn't shy about giving me and Jujubee grief,

her friends,

and, of course, my massive crush on her.

So, why was Blair the second reason as to why I dragged myself to school? Her smile. That was enough. As much as I tried to avoid her, the world decided to do a big "fuck you" on me and sometimes put us into situations together. And every time, I'd be internally freaking out. The worst was when we were both 16. It was that time of the year when the school would invite someone to subject us to the most humiliating moment of our lives. How the fuck were you supposed to put a condom on a banana without bursting out laughing? How the fuck were you supposed to sit there and keep a straight face when the educator used words like 'flaps'? We filed into the class, Jujubee and me taking seats at the back of the room. We knew this was going to be hilarious, so best to avoid the attention of the teacher. "Juju, I know you are dying to make jokes during this, but I'm begging you. Please don't." I spoke quietly to her as other students filed in. "But you know I'm going to, right?" Jujubee smirked, putting her bag on the ground. "No. We wanna keep a low profile. If we laugh, we draw attention, and then we risk being singled out. You know? We'll be at the front of the class demonstrating whatever this bitch asks us." Obviously, I was referring to putting condoms on bananas and the like. Juju, however, raised a brow, "I wouldn't mind that, babe. Don't worry. We won't need to take our clothes off." I stared at her for a few seconds, unable to think of how to respond to that. Jujubee winked, and I forced myself to look away. "That's not what I meant." Blair strolled in with Denali and Rosé, already I could feel my stomach knotting. They went to sit together somewhere in the middle. "Ugh, nope. I don't think so, ladies." Ah, Miss Jaida Hall, if only I could have warned you not to say what you were about to say. Somehow Blair and the two others knew she was speaking to them. She continued, "This is an important class, and I'm not gonna have you all laughing and snickering during it." She had a point. The three girls usually whispered to each other in class, giggling about all sorts of shit. It was never anything malicious about the lesson or teachers, just inside jokes with each other, pretty harmless stuff. But it pissed the teachers off so much. "You can't be serious, right?" Denali replied, clearly scandalised. "Very serious, actually." Ms Hall nodded, "Denali, sit with Brian. Rosé, with Gigi. Blair, with Brianna." I grabbed Jujubee by the wrist, the pressure making her squeak. This wasn't happening. This wasn't happening. Blair was not rolling her eyes as she made her way to the back towards me. This was not fucking happening. As instructed, Jujubee stood up and let Blair sit down, moving to sit somewhere else. I was alone with the one person I tried my hardest to avoid. She slouched down in her chair, arms folded like she was already over it. I wanted so badly to ask if she was OK. But I couldn't bring myself to. And as the lights turned off and the sex-ed lady pressed play on the video player, I wished I had said something. As the way too enthusiastic narrator explained step by step the act of sexual intercourse, I tried hiding the blush on my face with my hair. I tried so hard to focus on what I was being taught. The truth was, I was still a virgin, as were many of the others in the room, I'm sure. But unlike them, I had no idea how sex worked. It wasn't something I ever gave time to think about. I felt a tapping on my hand. My body tensed as I glanced to the side. Blair was looking at the screen, then at me, then her fingers brushed against my hand. I stared back, unsure of what was happening but also knowing full well what she was doing. She leaned closer and pressed her lips on mine. … OK, that's not what happened. Life wasn't a movie. This was the beginning of the fantasies. Was I ashamed because I was thinking about Blair like that? Or was I ashamed that I enjoyed thinking of Blair like that? "This is ridiculous," Blair whispered. Was I supposed to say something back? "What do you mean?" I

whispered back. "Do they actually think we're that dumb? We all know how sex works. We don't need this stupid class." Blair rolled her eyes. I almost told her that I belonged to the small percentage that didn't know. But I stopped myself. I couldn't bear her knowing that information. Instead, I went with the awkward, "haha. Yeaaahhhh…" For the rest of the film, we sat in silence. Still trying to focus on the screen. Not the absolute stunner sitting next to me. And as if by magic, the video ended. I wanted to say I was relieved, but I couldn't lie; what I learned from the film left me nauseous. He puts his hoo-ha in her what, now?? "Well, that was really cool and hip, right?" The educator enthused. I cringed internally. No woman wearing a crucifix necklace and ankle-length skirt has the right to use words like 'cool' and 'hip'. "I know it's probably all so confusing. So that's why I'm here to answer any of your questions, dudes and dudettes." Already, one of the boys put a hand up. "Go ahead, homie." "What about the other hole?" He said with a straight face before his friends started laughing. He laughed back as he fired one of them. "You know. The back door?" Ms Hall shot him the 'look'. He was toast. The sex educator fixed her hair quite uncomfortable, "Well, there's a reason that is an out hole, young man. I warn all of you, do not go down that road. You will get aids and die. Now, does anybody else have a question?" The educator rambled, fixing her hair awkwardly. I heard the rustling of clothes beside me, and glancing around, Blair had her hand straight up in the air. "Yes, sweetheart?" Sex Ed lady pointed to her. "OK, so this is interesting and all, but I was just wondering, what about non-heterosexual sex?" Her brows knit for a moment. I looked around at her now. The breath caught in my throat. "I'm sorry?" Sex Ed lady asked. "You know. Man on man. Girl on girl. What about all of that?" Blair raised a brow. "I mean, you gotta know there's more than just heterosexual people out there. Maybe some even in this room right now." "Blair." Ms Hall began. "Because, if you disagree, then that's ridiculous. Oh, and if you think aids is some kind of death sentence, then you seriously need to educate yourself." Sex ed lady looked appalled, her Christian beliefs quite clearly threatened. "That's it. Get out." Ms Hall stood up. Blair huffed, pushing her seat back, lifted her bag and left the room, Ms Hall following behind. "OK. So, any other questions? Reasonable questions only, please." Jujubee was looking over her shoulder at me now, sharing the same expression I did. Thank God for lunch next period. Jujubee and I were hiding at the back of the school, in an alley between the building itself and the old workshops. The perfect hiding place for a smoke and to freak the fuck out about specific events. "Juju, she knows. She knows I'm a lesbian. She knows I like her." I paced. "I'm moving. That's it." I stopped. "But why would she speak up for me of all people? It doesn't make sense." My eyes widened. "Unless she's also a lesbian. I mean, that makes sense, right?" Jujubee had been sitting on the wall, patiently listening to my manic ramblings. The first few minutes, she was just as astounded. But the more I theorised, rambling on and on, she was over it. "I highly doubt that considering the boyfriend." "Then she must know. Why else would she say it? I highly doubt there are other gays in that class. Speaking of which, I had no idea lesbians could have sex like; how does that work. I'm gonna look into that somehow. But getting back to the point, if she did know, why would she speak out for me of all people?" My ramblings were non-stop. I tried my best to avoid Blair for the rest of the day, not that I could, considering we were both in the same last period. Blair's outburst was the talk of the school. I wasn't sure if it was a positive response or not. The only thing I did know was Trevor was pissed. "Brie, look." Jujubee tapped me. I turned from my locker and looked where everyone else seemed to be

looking. Just down the corridor, Trevor was standing over Blair, their conversation clearly heated. People were shamelessly moving closer, Jujubee following in their path. "Juju, don't," I whispered. But she didn't listen. I went after her as if it would stop her. "Trevor, this isn't that big of a deal," Blair said. "Not a big deal? Blair, do you know what the guys are saying? They think you're gonna dump me for a girl. Do you know how humiliating that is?" Trevor held a hand to his chest "And what if I did?" Blair challenged. The few people standing around cooed with excitement. "Oh, please. Don't get all cocky now that you have an audience." Trevor pointed. But Blair took a step closer to him. "What, 'cause you know you're the one who looks like an idiot? Maybe if you weren't so insecure, you'd know I would never do that to you." "Don't call me an idiot." Trevor lowered his tone, choosing purposely to ignore her reassurance. "Fine. But don't criticise me for a valid question I asked in a class you weren't even a part of. It's none of your business, no one's business for that matter." Blair bit back. "I can do what I want, Blair." "OK. Whatever." Blair brushed past him. Trevor quickly spun around, grabbing her arm. "No, we're not done having this conversation." My stomach twisted. "Let go of my arm, Trevor." Blair tugged, her voice cracking. Trevor did as was told now that the air was thick with tension, "We are not done talking," he stressed. Blair took a step back, "Yeah, we are, actually," and she turned to walk away. "If you walk away right now, we're finished." Trevor threatened. It was as if time was at a standstill, waiting for her reaction. But at the same time, it felt as though time was counting down. Like we were in a competition show. The contestant has to decide before time runs out, while the audience yells, 'DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!' No one was shouting, but you could feel everyone's excitement. Blair's lip curled upwards. "OK. Fine by me." And, finally, she walked off. The people were cooing with excitement again. "Shut up!" Trevor shouted. I grabbed Jujubee by the shoulder and ushered her back. Trevor kicked his locker, the thud echoing through the halls. That was the last straw. Knowing Trevor, he'd take his anger out on us. It was time to flee the scene. It was all Jujubee wanted to talk about for the rest of the day. Now I knew how she felt during my smoke break. But I couldn't blame her. The scene played in my head over and over again, leading to so many questions. Was there more to this breakup? Did he grab Blair like that all the time? What would happen now? Would she find a new guy? A girl, maybe? I came to the conclusion that Blair and Trevor's breakup was neither good nor bad. Bad because, as I said before, now he had more pent up anger from the humiliation of being so publicly dumped. Therefore, Jujubee and I would most likely be subject to more harassment. Good, because maybe Blair did like girls. Maybe there was still some little chance for us to be together. But if we were going to be together, there was one issue; I still had no fucking idea how lesbian sex worked. Cut to later that night, I'm in my room, sitting in front of my computer. I needed to distract myself from my thoughts of the breakup. While the scratchy dial-up tones emitted the machine, I psyched myself up. Even though I knew sex was normal to learn about at that age, it was still daunting. With shaky hands, I searched 'lesbian sex'. And fuck was it a mistake. What I wanted was educational articles, guides, etc. And what I got was porn. I watched all but a few minutes, all the painfully bad acting scenes that took place before the main event. Upon hearing the first moan, I clicked out as fast as I could. Looking behind me, Piggie was just playing with a stuffed animal on my bed. "You saw that, right?" He looked at me with perked ears. I still felt judged, so I opened my bedroom door and let him out. I needed to be exact. 'How do lesbians have sex?' And Brianna Caldwell was never the

same. My mind was opened that night. This was no mistake. This was a surprise. I couldn't look away from the computer screen, no matter how slow the Internet connection was. All of this information was all too much but not enough at the same time. And it made me feel less nauseated than I felt after watching that stupid video in class. And I built up the courage to go back to that porn site. And I watched every damn second. Then I watched another one. And another. And just one more 'cause why the fuck not? My bedroom door opened. "Brianna, I'm ordering - -" "Get out," I shouted, closing the site down like my life depended on it. But she stood there for a few seconds, eyes wide and hand still on the door frame. "Honey, are you - -" "Mom, oh my god. Can you just - -" I couldn't even form a proper sentence. She gave an apologetic look and closed the door. But she remained on the other side. "I just wanted you to know that I'm ordering pizza for Grandpa and me. Do you want some?" My forehead was in my hand now. "Yes." "What kind?" "Just…" I wanted to shout, "Pepperoni." And with that, she left. But that wasn't the end of it. When the food arrived, I waited a few minutes before going downstairs to grab a few slices. Grandpa was in the living room watching an old rerun of The A-Team. But she was there, in the kitchen, as if she was waiting for me. "Honey, look. I know you're getting to that age where you're curious about certain things and - -" "Mom, no. Please, don't do this." I whined. "I know. I know. I just wanted to let you know that this is natural, and…" she continued to deliver the same talk we all got in class. My eyes were wide, face red with humiliation. -_-_-_- 2020 I picked up a slice of pepperoni pizza, instantly reminded of the traumatic event. OK, maybe that was too strong of a word to use. But of course, you are going to dread the thought of that time your parent talked to you about sex. I walked into the living room, pizza slice in hand, trying not to dwell on the memory. "So, Brianna. Any update on the love life?" Tamisha asked. I loved that bitch; being one of Mom's closest friends, she was present for most of my life. But she always had a tendency to ask questions I wasn't up for answering. I took a bite from my pizza and answered with a full mouth, "dry." "Girl, you're almost 40." She continued. I was ready to challenge her because I was actually just 33 when Mom took her turn to speak. "Yeah, get yourself a man and make me a Grandma already." She wasn't serious. She knew I hated these types of talks, but that didn't stop her from encouraging the others. The funny thing about the time she caught me watching porn, she never clocked it was girl on girl. Of all the years I've been on this planet, I hadn't given her a clue that I was a lesbian. Would I ever tell her? I didn't see the point. From previous failed relationships and being too busy with my job, I wouldn't end up with someone anyway. But of course, I'd make an exception for a certain someone. Monét poured the first round of shots. I already knew I'd hate myself the next day. I wasn't drunk already. Just sort of buzzed. But that changed within an hour. I was hammered. Mom, Monét and all her friends were singing all the old songs in the living room. I was out in the kitchen, trying to drink 8 glasses of water. I only managed 3. Piggie ran in and put his paws up on my knee. "There he is. My baby. My fucking son." I slid down to the ground and let him sit in my lap. "How is your night going?" Just great, Brianna! Anyway, how about that Blair girl, huh? Piggie's non-existent voice said. "Oh yeah," my eyes narrowed. I unlocked my phone and opened up Facebook. And I bravely searched up her name. I say bravely because it does take some balls to go and stalk your crushes social media accounts. All it took to fuck everything up was the slip of a finger, and before you know it, you've liked a post or sent a friend request. "Let's do some digging, Piggie." I cuddled him. Immediately, she was the top result, with Jujubee

being the only mutual friend. "Yeah, girl. Infiltration." I commented as I clicked into her profile. And then her profile picture. "Holy shit." She hadn't aged. She still looked as young and radiant as she did back in high school. "What do you think, Piggie?" I showed him the screen. He glanced at it before tucking his head under his arms. The enthusiasm. I rolled my eyes. I looked at her info. 'Single'. Promising. Scrolling down to her timeline, I noticed she didn't post a lot. Fair enough. Facebook was becoming a dead site in recent years. There were just your average Facebook posts, sharing giveaway posts, a post from an old lady saying, 'Blair, this is Granny. Could you go to Walmart and get me some applesauce? Love granny xx', a shared post from a guy called George Miller. And my finger stopped scrolling upon seeing Blair holding a baby. "Oh God, we've encountered our first obstacle, Piggie," I whined. I clicked into the comments. That George Miller guy commented, 'congrats, Blair!' She replied, 'thank you, but she's my cousin's lol'. "Thank you, Jesus." I put my phone down for a moment to put my hand up to the good lord. I scrolled some more, seeing many inspirational quotes, a link to Adore You by Harry Styles. And a picture of her. With that George Miller guy. With his arms around her. Pressing a kiss to her temple. I could feel my heart sink the more I studied it. Yeah, I knew Blair and I were never meant to be anyway. But it was still upsetting. Relax. They could be friends. Yeah, that's right. Friends hold each other and act all affectionate, right?? I cuddle with Jujubee sometimes. That doesn't mean anything. Right? I needed evidence, just anything, to make it not true. I scrolled some more. There was a video, she was sitting on her sofa, with a girl playing the guitar sitting on the other end. "I've been running races on empty, Pour it up 'cause my cup so empty. Gotta make time for the real me. I've been running, I've been running on empty." And my nerves were settled again. I had only heard Blair sing a few times. She and her friends would pretend they were famous singers in early elementary years, and she'd always be the best. Then another time was in high school, at the winter talent show. I specifically remember it being A moment like this by Kelly Clarkson. It was unreal. 'Jujubee 💋💅🏽 is typing…' I clicked into Snapchat before she even had a chance to type the whole message. "Do you remember Jujubee?" I asked Piggie. Again, he was silent. 'I hope you're having fun, babe ❤ lv u'. "Thanks," was all I could manage to type. A shadow cast over me. I looked up to see Monét join me on the ground. "Hey, girl." She greeted me. "Hi, Aunt Monét." I smiled. Piggie hopped off my lap and onto hers. "Aunt Monét? Honey, you haven't called me that since middle school." She smiled. I returned the smile, only mine probably looking goofy. "I'm just wasted." "I noticed. No more shots for you anyway." She noted, taking a drink from her own bottle. "Anyway, how's the project?" "We got fucking Ed Sheeran involved." I then cursed myself internally for bringing it up. "I heard. Your Mom was telling me. Ugh, girl, why him? Why not someone like…" she paused to think, "like Beyonce. Or Lady Gaga." "OK, man-hater." I quipped, reaching over to pet Piggie. "Not true. Not all men are bad." Monét pointed out. "Speaking of which, when are you getting yourself one?" I could have given her the usual 'I don't have time for men's talk. But the alcohol said no. "Monét, I like girls." And I felt no shame in saying it. A moment of silence fell between us before she asked, "for real?" "Yeah." I nodded. "Does anyone else know?" "Yeah. Juju. And Piggie probably." I replied, leaving one more name out for the sole purpose I didn't want to get into that. "And Mom?" "Nope." She nodded. "I guess this is one of these aunty-niece confidentiality things?" "Uh-huh." I smiled. Bless Aunt Monét. "Well, no matter who you live, we still love you." She laughed for a moment before taking another drink. I knew

she was right. Maybe coming out to Mom wasn't such a bad idea. "You know what, Brianna?" She paused, "Grandpa would be so proud of you, right?" My smile slowly began to drop. Fuck, the touchy subject. "Oh, I...thanks." I thought the change in my mood was hard to miss, but Monét clearly had. "You and I ain't ever talked about him since...you know." "OK," I said quietly, feeling like my chest was a fist, beginning to clench tighter and tighter. "And sometimes, it's just good to look back on - -" "I gotta go." I quickly stood up, feeling the dark fog already come over me. I rushed from the room, my aunty calling my name and apologising. I avoided going into the living room, rushing up the stairs and racing for the bathroom. As soon as the door was locked, I let myself crumble, my face hidden beneath shaking hands, a cry clogged in my throat just begging to belt out. Mom would definitely hear it. I wasn't going to ruin her day. Absolutely not. Tags: rpdr fanfiction // s10 // as5 // miz cracker // jujubee // blair st clair // blair x cracker // denali foxx // rose // fluff // coming of age // hurt/comfort // lesbian au // highschool au // grinder // tw grief // tw homophobia [Cover image here] AN: Hey, guys! I hope yall are enjoying this fic so far! Throw me a like please if you do. TW for this chapter: Grief // Homophobia [read more] 2003 High School. The bane of my existence. Just as I thought elementary and middle school were terrible, High School really was something else. From my childhood therapy sessions, I learned to conceal my anger, avoid freakouts, and channel my emotions into other things. It was good for me, yeah. But it also made me a more reserved person. Things still made me angry, the other kids at school being a primary key to that. But I never defended myself. Ever. Of course, Jujubee always had my back. Only in later years did I learn to appreciate the times she'd yell at the other kids, telling them to fuck off and whatnot. But back then, I wished she hadn't. It only drew more negative attention. All I wanted was to get through those tough years. I would come home a lot, look at pictures of myself as a child. And I'd be so mad because only then did I see that I wasn't an ugly kid. I was adorable. But, God clearly had favourites 'cause puberty did not do me any favours. If only I had grown up in a more modern time when no one gave a shit about looks. When people were outspoken about the cruelty that came with shaming someone for their looks. When people were more aware of the psychological damage that could do. Again, God had favourites. From years of my eyesight getting worse and needing a new pair of glasses every time I went to the eye doctor, I had thick-rimmed frames that made me look straight out of the 70s. And the lenses made my eyes look huge. I looked like Bubbles from Trailer Park Boys. My hair was bigger but full of split ends due to lack of giving a shit about it. I begged Mom to let me bleach it blonde. She always straight up refused. I had braces for a whole year which, yeah, many people had braces, but one time while answering a question in class, I drooled. And no one let me hear the end of it. And makeup wasn't something I really fucked with. I tried it once, safe and sound in my own bedroom, and it looked woeful. Instead of working to get better, I accepted defeat in that I would always be ugly. "I'm serious, girl. The foundation was so bad. And it was too dark." I ranted to Jujubee as we headed to the bus stop. I was trying to smoke my cigarette as fast as I could before getting there. Mom never knew, and what she didn't know couldn't kill her. Of course, I didn't just go into the store and buy them myself. Instead, I took one a day from my Grandpa's supply. "Girl, you gotta test it first." She pointed out, adjusting her bag straps. "Juju, I got the lightest colour they had. I don't fucking get it. Every other girl in the school uses it. Maybelline shouldn't sell this shit." "You just need to find a different brand." She grabbed my shoulder and pulled me

closer, "OK, don't tell my Mom, but I tried some of her MAC shit the other day, and my skin looked fucking flawless." She let me go, took my cigarette from me, taking a toke herself. "Well, how am I supposed to get my hands on that?" I took the cig back. "I don't see any MAC stores around here." "Oh, yeah? Well, you know what your Other World self would do?" Jujubee's brow raised, a sweet grin appearing on her mischievous face. "She would say fuck school, hop on the next bus to Cleveland and go straight to the MAC store." Blowing out some smoke, I looked at her, "Well, Other World you wouldn't be encouraging that sort of behaviour." "No, she wouldn't 'cause she'd be the first on the bus." Jujubee countered. "And she'd start the sing-song." "Yeah, well other world me would out-sing you 'cause she's a star. She's a fucking diva, bitch. Mariah Carey has nothing on her." We were too caught up in our fantasy world; we almost missed the vehicle driving past us. Only when we saw the cackling faces of the boys at the back of the bus did realisation take over. We were going to miss the bus. "Fuck." I uttered, watching the guys still flipping us off as they moved further and further away. To make matters worse, a car pulled up beside us. And of fucking course, it was Trevor Preston, the Captain of the football team. His two sidekicks were in the back seat, Logan and Noah. "Aw, look, guys. The geeks just missed the bus." Trevor fake whined. In these situations, I just shut down. I thought it was for the best at the time, but fuck, if I could go back and punch that guy. "You know what? Why don't you mind your own fucking business, Trevor?" Jujubee squinted her eyes at him. “Wow, little fiesty, Juju.” He continued, "How about this? We all say sorry, and we can both ride with us to school." 'Hell fucking no.' I thought. "Oh yeah? And what's the catch?" Jujubee raised a brow. "You let me feel your tits," Trevor smirked, his two cronies snickered. "Ah, there it is. I thought that was what your pea-sized brain would come up with." Jujubee nodded her head. "So, hey, Brianna," Trevor shifted his attention, "You're awfully quiet. Don't I at least get a hello?" I was still frozen, feeling my anxiety brewing within. "Dude, don't be so sensitive. You know, if she opens her mouth, she'll just drool all over herself." Logan added, the three axe wounds beginning to snicker again. I felt like I should have at least opened my mouth to prove them wrong, or maybe spit on Trevor's car. But still, I just stood there. "Trevor, if you don't fuck off right now, I'm gonna key your car." Jujubee threatened. "Juju." I tried to stop her. "Wouldn't even have the chance, sweetheart. Either of you bitches come near my car; you'll never walk the halls again." How gentleman-like, threatening two girls. Funny how our safety was the price to pay for a car. Oh, men. "Keep that in mind," Trevor concluded before driving away with dumb and dumber. "You didn't have to do that." I looked at Jujubee. "I'm sorry they're such assholes." She replied, taking my hand in hers. I shook it off, however. "No, I mean, I wish you wouldn't do that." Jujubee crossed her brows, "what? So I'm supposed to sit there and just take it? No fucking way." "I know. But," I paused, "they kinda scare me. You know?" "Brie, there's nothing more pathetic than a man sweating over the safety of his ride." She retook my hand, "Don't be afraid of a cunt like him." "I mean, I can try not to. But I can't make any promises." I shrugged. "Anyway, what's the plan? How are we supposed to get there on time?" Jujubee was silent for a moment before replying with, "my Mom?" Her Mom did end up giving us a ride, much to my dismay. I would have preferred to take the day off. Or better yet, to just fucking drop out altogether. But Jujubee was always there to reassure me - I adored that bitch. I would have fucking taken a bullet for her. I would like to say that it wasn't just Jujubee and me, that we had a group of more friends. But these guys, I never really counted them as

friends. A year prior, we both decided to try and improve our social lives by joining a club. The only one that would accept us was the chess club. Every other member was a guy, and they were nerds. Not that Jujubee and I minded. However, the problem was that they only let us in because...well, do I even need to explain? "So, Brianna," Jimmy decided to approach me at the end of one session, licking his hand and sweeping his hair from his face. "Because I beat you twice today, what do I get?" "...Excuse me?" "My prize. What do I get??" He put an arm around my shoulders. I was puzzled, "Uh, you can have my chicken nuggets at lunch." His grin was beginning to disappear. "Oh, I was thinking of something else. A kiss, maybe?" I felt bad for doing it, but my fight or flight response told me to just run from the room. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but these guys were just on another level of thirst. And it wasn't just me who they flirted with. Jujubee had informed me of a time Arnold convinced her to make out with him. She was all for it until she realised how awful of a kisser he was. And as the boys became more desperate, we decided that we were better off alone. Again, I was so grateful for Jujubee. I was surprised she stuck around, considering she had seen me at my worst when we were still so young. How the fuck had she not developed issues of her own? Jujubee was the number one reason I even found the strength to just get up in the morning, drag my ass to school, and do my work - Well, aside from wanting to get good grades so I could go to a good college. The second reason? Blair. Unlike me, she was thriving. Our lives were totally cliche - me being the kid who grew up to be the nerd who only speaks when it's to answer a question. And Blair, growing up to be the head cheerleader. And I was still very much in love with her. What a fucking cliche. I avoided Blair at all costs for several reasons;

differing social circles (in my case, lack of),

her boyfriend, who was the Captain of the soccer team and wasn't shy about giving me and Jujubee grief,

her friends,

and, of course, my massive crush on her.

So, why was Blair the second reason as to why I dragged myself to school? Her smile. That was enough. As much as I tried to avoid her, the world decided to do a big "fuck you" on me and sometimes put us into situations together. And every time, I'd be internally freaking out. The worst was when we were both 16. It was that time of the year when the school would invite someone to subject us to the most humiliating moment of our lives. How the fuck were you supposed to put a condom on a banana without bursting out laughing? How the fuck were you supposed to sit there and keep a straight face when the educator used words like 'flaps'? We filed into the class, Jujubee and me taking seats at the back of the room. We knew this was going to be hilarious, so best to avoid the attention of the teacher. "Juju, I know you are dying to make jokes during this, but I'm begging you. Please don't." I spoke quietly to her as other students filed in. "But you know I'm going to, right?" Jujubee smirked, putting her bag on the ground. "No. We wanna keep a low profile. If we laugh, we draw attention, and then we risk being singled out. You know? We'll be at the front of the class demonstrating whatever this bitch asks us." Obviously, I was referring to putting condoms on bananas and the like. Juju, however, raised a brow, "I wouldn't mind that, babe. Don't worry. We won't need to take our clothes off." I stared at her for a few seconds, unable to think of how to respond to that. Jujubee winked, and I forced myself to look away. "That's not what I meant." Blair strolled in with Denali and Rosé, already I could feel my stomach knotting. They went to sit together somewhere in the middle. "Ugh, nope. I don't think so, ladies." Ah, Miss Jaida Hall, if only I could have warned you not to say what you were about to say. Somehow Blair and the two others knew she was speaking to them. She continued, "This is an important class, and I'm not gonna have you all laughing and snickering during it." She had a point. The three girls usually whispered to each other in class, giggling about all sorts of shit. It was never anything malicious about the lesson or teachers, just inside jokes with each other, pretty harmless stuff. But it pissed the teachers off so much. "You can't be serious, right?" Denali replied, clearly scandalised. "Very serious, actually." Ms Hall nodded, "Denali, sit with Brian. Rosé, with Gigi. Blair, with Brianna." I grabbed Jujubee by the wrist, the pressure making her squeak. This wasn't happening. This wasn't happening. Blair was not rolling her eyes as she made her way to the back towards me. This was not fucking happening. As instructed, Jujubee stood up and let Blair sit down, moving to sit somewhere else. I was alone with the one person I tried my hardest to avoid. She slouched down in her chair, arms folded like she was already over it. I wanted so badly to ask if she was OK. But I couldn't bring myself to. And as the lights turned off and the sex-ed lady pressed play on the video player, I wished I had said something. As the way too enthusiastic narrator explained step by step the act of sexual intercourse, I tried hiding the blush on my face with my hair. I tried so hard to focus on what I was being taught. The truth was, I was still a virgin, as were many of the others in the room, I'm sure. But unlike them, I had no idea how sex worked. It wasn't something I ever gave time to think about. I felt a tapping on my hand. My body tensed as I glanced to the side. Blair was looking at the screen, then at me, then her fingers brushed against my hand. I stared back, unsure of what was happening but also knowing full well what she was doing. She leaned closer and pressed her lips on mine. … OK, that's not what happened. Life wasn't a movie. This was the beginning of the fantasies. Was I ashamed because I was thinking about Blair like that? Or was I ashamed that I enjoyed thinking of Blair like that? "This is ridiculous," Blair whispered. Was I supposed to say something back? "What do you mean?" I

whispered back. "Do they actually think we're that dumb? We all know how sex works. We don't need this stupid class." Blair rolled her eyes. I almost told her that I belonged to the small percentage that didn't know. But I stopped myself. I couldn't bear her knowing that information. Instead, I went with the awkward, "haha. Yeaaahhhh…" For the rest of the film, we sat in silence. Still trying to focus on the screen. Not the absolute stunner sitting next to me. And as if by magic, the video ended. I wanted to say I was relieved, but I couldn't lie; what I learned from the film left me nauseous. He puts his hoo-ha in her what, now?? "Well, that was really cool and hip, right?" The educator enthused. I cringed internally. No woman wearing a crucifix necklace and ankle-length skirt has the right to use words like 'cool' and 'hip'. "I know it's probably all so confusing. So that's why I'm here to answer any of your questions, dudes and dudettes." Already, one of the boys put a hand up. "Go ahead, homie." "What about the other hole?" He said with a straight face before his friends started laughing. He laughed back as he fired one of them. "You know. The back door?" Ms Hall shot him the 'look'. He was toast. The sex educator fixed her hair quite uncomfortable, "Well, there's a reason that is an out hole, young man. I warn all of you, do not go down that road. You will get aids and die. Now, does anybody else have a question?" The educator rambled, fixing her hair awkwardly. I heard the rustling of clothes beside me, and glancing around, Blair had her hand straight up in the air. "Yes, sweetheart?" Sex Ed lady pointed to her. "OK, so this is interesting and all, but I was just wondering, what about non-heterosexual sex?" Her brows knit for a moment. I looked around at her now. The breath caught in my throat. "I'm sorry?" Sex Ed lady asked. "You know. Man on man. Girl on girl. What about all of that?" Blair raised a brow. "I mean, you gotta know there's more than just heterosexual people out there. Maybe some even in this room right now." "Blair." Ms Hall began. "Because, if you disagree, then that's ridiculous. Oh, and if you think aids is some kind of death sentence, then you seriously need to educate yourself." Sex ed lady looked appalled, her Christian beliefs quite clearly threatened. "That's it. Get out." Ms Hall stood up. Blair huffed, pushing her seat back, lifted her bag and left the room, Ms Hall following behind. "OK. So, any other questions? Reasonable questions only, please." Jujubee was looking over her shoulder at me now, sharing the same expression I did. Thank God for lunch next period. Jujubee and I were hiding at the back of the school, in an alley between the building itself and the old workshops. The perfect hiding place for a smoke and to freak the fuck out about specific events. "Juju, she knows. She knows I'm a lesbian. She knows I like her." I paced. "I'm moving. That's it." I stopped. "But why would she speak up for me of all people? It doesn't make sense." My eyes widened. "Unless she's also a lesbian. I mean, that makes sense, right?" Jujubee had been sitting on the wall, patiently listening to my manic ramblings. The first few minutes, she was just as astounded. But the more I theorised, rambling on and on, she was over it. "I highly doubt that considering the boyfriend." "Then she must know. Why else would she say it? I highly doubt there are other gays in that class. Speaking of which, I had no idea lesbians could have sex like; how does that work. I'm gonna look into that somehow. But getting back to the point, if she did know, why would she speak out for me of all people?" My ramblings were non-stop. I tried my best to avoid Blair for the rest of the day, not that I could, considering we were both in the same last period. Blair's outburst was the talk of the school. I wasn't sure if it was a positive response or not. The only thing I did know was Trevor was pissed. "Brie, look." Jujubee tapped me. I turned from my locker and looked where everyone else seemed to be

looking. Just down the corridor, Trevor was standing over Blair, their conversation clearly heated. People were shamelessly moving closer, Jujubee following in their path. "Juju, don't," I whispered. But she didn't listen. I went after her as if it would stop her. "Trevor, this isn't that big of a deal," Blair said. "Not a big deal? Blair, do you know what the guys are saying? They think you're gonna dump me for a girl. Do you know how humiliating that is?" Trevor held a hand to his chest "And what if I did?" Blair challenged. The few people standing around cooed with excitement. "Oh, please. Don't get all cocky now that you have an audience." Trevor pointed. But Blair took a step closer to him. "What, 'cause you know you're the one who looks like an idiot? Maybe if you weren't so insecure, you'd know I would never do that to you." "Don't call me an idiot." Trevor lowered his tone, choosing purposely to ignore her reassurance. "Fine. But don't criticise me for a valid question I asked in a class you weren't even a part of. It's none of your business, no one's business for that matter." Blair bit back. "I can do what I want, Blair." "OK. Whatever." Blair brushed past him. Trevor quickly spun around, grabbing her arm. "No, we're not done having this conversation." My stomach twisted. "Let go of my arm, Trevor." Blair tugged, her voice cracking. Trevor did as was told now that the air was thick with tension, "We are not done talking," he stressed. Blair took a step back, "Yeah, we are, actually," and she turned to walk away. "If you walk away right now, we're finished." Trevor threatened. It was as if time was at a standstill, waiting for her reaction. But at the same time, it felt as though time was counting down. Like we were in a competition show. The contestant has to decide before time runs out, while the audience yells, 'DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!' No one was shouting, but you could feel everyone's excitement. Blair's lip curled upwards. "OK. Fine by me." And, finally, she walked off. The people were cooing with excitement again. "Shut up!" Trevor shouted. I grabbed Jujubee by the shoulder and ushered her back. Trevor kicked his locker, the thud echoing through the halls. That was the last straw. Knowing Trevor, he'd take his anger out on us. It was time to flee the scene. It was all Jujubee wanted to talk about for the rest of the day. Now I knew how she felt during my smoke break. But I couldn't blame her. The scene played in my head over and over again, leading to so many questions. Was there more to this breakup? Did he grab Blair like that all the time? What would happen now? Would she find a new guy? A girl, maybe? I came to the conclusion that Blair and Trevor's breakup was neither good nor bad. Bad because, as I said before, now he had more pent up anger from the humiliation of being so publicly dumped. Therefore, Jujubee and I would most likely be subject to more harassment. Good, because maybe Blair did like girls. Maybe there was still some little chance for us to be together. But if we were going to be together, there was one issue; I still had no fucking idea how lesbian sex worked. Cut to later that night, I'm in my room, sitting in front of my computer. I needed to distract myself from my thoughts of the breakup. While the scratchy dial-up tones emitted the machine, I psyched myself up. Even though I knew sex was normal to learn about at that age, it was still daunting. With shaky hands, I searched 'lesbian sex'. And fuck was it a mistake. What I wanted was educational articles, guides, etc. And what I got was porn. I watched all but a few minutes, all the painfully bad acting scenes that took place before the main event. Upon hearing the first moan, I clicked out as fast as I could. Looking behind me, Piggie was just playing with a stuffed animal on my bed. "You saw that, right?" He looked at me with perked ears. I still felt judged, so I opened my bedroom door and let him out. I needed to be exact. 'How do lesbians have sex?' And Brianna Caldwell was never the

same. My mind was opened that night. This was no mistake. This was a surprise. I couldn't look away from the computer screen, no matter how slow the Internet connection was. All of this information was all too much but not enough at the same time. And it made me feel less nauseated than I felt after watching that stupid video in class. And I built up the courage to go back to that porn site. And I watched every damn second. Then I watched another one. And another. And just one more 'cause why the fuck not? My bedroom door opened. "Brianna, I'm ordering - -" "Get out," I shouted, closing the site down like my life depended on it. But she stood there for a few seconds, eyes wide and hand still on the door frame. "Honey, are you - -" "Mom, oh my god. Can you just - -" I couldn't even form a proper sentence. She gave an apologetic look and closed the door. But she remained on the other side. "I just wanted you to know that I'm ordering pizza for Grandpa and me. Do you want some?" My forehead was in my hand now. "Yes." "What kind?" "Just…" I wanted to shout, "Pepperoni." And with that, she left. But that wasn't the end of it. When the food arrived, I waited a few minutes before going downstairs to grab a few slices. Grandpa was in the living room watching an old rerun of The A-Team. But she was there, in the kitchen, as if she was waiting for me. "Honey, look. I know you're getting to that age where you're curious about certain things and - -" "Mom, no. Please, don't do this." I whined. "I know. I know. I just wanted to let you know that this is natural, and…" she continued to deliver the same talk we all got in class. My eyes were wide, face red with humiliation. -_-_-_- 2020 I picked up a slice of pepperoni pizza, instantly reminded of the traumatic event. OK, maybe that was too strong of a word to use. But of course, you are going to dread the thought of that time your parent talked to you about sex. I walked into the living room, pizza slice in hand, trying not to dwell on the memory. "So, Brianna. Any update on the love life?" Tamisha asked. I loved that bitch; being one of Mom's closest friends, she was present for most of my life. But she always had a tendency to ask questions I wasn't up for answering. I took a bite from my pizza and answered with a full mouth, "dry." "Girl, you're almost 40." She continued. I was ready to challenge her because I was actually just 33 when Mom took her turn to speak. "Yeah, get yourself a man and make me a Grandma already." She wasn't serious. She knew I hated these types of talks, but that didn't stop her from encouraging the others. The funny thing about the time she caught me watching porn, she never clocked it was girl on girl. Of all the years I've been on this planet, I hadn't given her a clue that I was a lesbian. Would I ever tell her? I didn't see the point. From previous failed relationships and being too busy with my job, I wouldn't end up with someone anyway. But of course, I'd make an exception for a certain someone. Monét poured the first round of shots. I already knew I'd hate myself the next day. I wasn't drunk already. Just sort of buzzed. But that changed within an hour. I was hammered. Mom, Monét and all her friends were singing all the old songs in the living room. I was out in the kitchen, trying to drink 8 glasses of water. I only managed 3. Piggie ran in and put his paws up on my knee. "There he is. My baby. My fucking son." I slid down to the ground and let him sit in my lap. "How is your night going?" Just great, Brianna! Anyway, how about that Blair girl, huh? Piggie's non-existent voice said. "Oh yeah," my eyes narrowed. I unlocked my phone and opened up Facebook. And I bravely searched up her name. I say bravely because it does take some balls to go and stalk your crushes social media accounts. All it took to fuck everything up was the slip of a finger, and before you know it, you've liked a post or sent a friend request. "Let's do some digging, Piggie." I cuddled him. Immediately, she was the top result, with Jujubee

being the only mutual friend. "Yeah, girl. Infiltration." I commented as I clicked into her profile. And then her profile picture. "Holy shit." She hadn't aged. She still looked as young and radiant as she did back in high school. "What do you think, Piggie?" I showed him the screen. He glanced at it before tucking his head under his arms. The enthusiasm. I rolled my eyes. I looked at her info. 'Single'. Promising. Scrolling down to her timeline, I noticed she didn't post a lot. Fair enough. Facebook was becoming a dead site in recent years. There were just your average Facebook posts, sharing giveaway posts, a post from an old lady saying, 'Blair, this is Granny. Could you go to Walmart and get me some applesauce? Love granny xx', a shared post from a guy called George Miller. And my finger stopped scrolling upon seeing Blair holding a baby. "Oh God, we've encountered our first obstacle, Piggie," I whined. I clicked into the comments. That George Miller guy commented, 'congrats, Blair!' She replied, 'thank you, but she's my cousin's lol'. "Thank you, Jesus." I put my phone down for a moment to put my hand up to the good lord. I scrolled some more, seeing many inspirational quotes, a link to Adore You by Harry Styles. And a picture of her. With that George Miller guy. With his arms around her. Pressing a kiss to her temple. I could feel my heart sink the more I studied it. Yeah, I knew Blair and I were never meant to be anyway. But it was still upsetting. Relax. They could be friends. Yeah, that's right. Friends hold each other and act all affectionate, right?? I cuddle with Jujubee sometimes. That doesn't mean anything. Right? I needed evidence, just anything, to make it not true. I scrolled some more. There was a video, she was sitting on her sofa, with a girl playing the guitar sitting on the other end. "I've been running races on empty, Pour it up 'cause my cup so empty. Gotta make time for the real me. I've been running, I've been running on empty." And my nerves were settled again. I had only heard Blair sing a few times. She and her friends would pretend they were famous singers in early elementary years, and she'd always be the best. Then another time was in high school, at the winter talent show. I specifically remember it being A moment like this by Kelly Clarkson. It was unreal. 'Jujubee 💋💅🏽 is typing…' I clicked into Snapchat before she even had a chance to type the whole message. "Do you remember Jujubee?" I asked Piggie. Again, he was silent. 'I hope you're having fun, babe ❤ lv u'. "Thanks," was all I could manage to type. A shadow cast over me. I looked up to see Monét join me on the ground. "Hey, girl." She greeted me. "Hi, Aunt Monét." I smiled. Piggie hopped off my lap and onto hers. "Aunt Monét? Honey, you haven't called me that since middle school." She smiled. I returned the smile, only mine probably looking goofy. "I'm just wasted." "I noticed. No more shots for you anyway." She noted, taking a drink from her own bottle. "Anyway, how's the project?" "We got fucking Ed Sheeran involved." I then cursed myself internally for bringing it up. "I heard. Your Mom was telling me. Ugh, girl, why him? Why not someone like…" she paused to think, "like Beyonce. Or Lady Gaga." "OK, man-hater." I quipped, reaching over to pet Piggie. "Not true. Not all men are bad." Monét pointed out. "Speaking of which, when are you getting yourself one?" I could have given her the usual 'I don't have time for men's talk. But the alcohol said no. "Monét, I like girls." And I felt no shame in saying it. A moment of silence fell between us before she asked, "for real?" "Yeah." I nodded. "Does anyone else know?" "Yeah. Juju. And Piggie probably." I replied, leaving one more name out for the sole purpose I didn't want to get into that. "And Mom?" "Nope." She nodded. "I guess this is one of these aunty-niece confidentiality things?" "Uh-huh." I smiled. Bless Aunt Monét. "Well, no matter who you live, we still love you." She laughed for a moment before taking another drink. I knew

she was right. Maybe coming out to Mom wasn't such a bad idea. "You know what, Brianna?" She paused, "Grandpa would be so proud of you, right?" My smile slowly began to drop. Fuck, the touchy subject. "Oh, I...thanks." I thought the change in my mood was hard to miss, but Monét clearly had. "You and I ain't ever talked about him since...you know." "OK," I said quietly, feeling like my chest was a fist, beginning to clench tighter and tighter. "And sometimes, it's just good to look back on - -" "I gotta go." I quickly stood up, feeling the dark fog already come over me. I rushed from the room, my aunty calling my name and apologising. I avoided going into the living room, rushing up the stairs and racing for the bathroom. As soon as the door was locked, I let myself crumble, my face hidden beneath shaking hands, a cry clogged in my throat just begging to belt out. Mom would definitely hear it. I wasn't going to ruin her day. Absolutely not.