#Never assume the crocodile will not eat you just because you have been feeding it

[cuteykat]

Hello friend!! I have decided to ask something for my daddies favorite characters! If that's okay? I didn't see any rules or anything soooooo

I'mma just go on gut instinct

Maybe some fluffy cuddles with Lucci, Crocodile, Mihawk and Ace? (And anyone else you wanna throw in? Any daddies I missed) Oh and headcanons unless u wanna do scenario? Please and Thank you!!

Hello! Thank you for the request! These scenarios will be in short story form to I hope your okay with! They’re are two extra character I added in there too! I hope you enjoy

Ace: It was early morning sailing along on a winter island. Snow was failing everywhere and it was very cold. Everyone would usually be wearing something warmer, well except Ace.

Ace was walking along the ship until see you noticing how cold you were.

“ are you okay (name)?” He ask being a bit concerned

You look down before looking back up “ Ace do you think we could cuddle since it’s very cold?” You ask the fire man.

Ace was quiet embarrassed that you asked, his face turned bright red not knowing what to say at first but he nods his head walking over to you. He kneels down beside you hugging you tightly in his arms feeling like a heater

“ Thank you ace” you mumble and start to close your eyes. The man was like a living heater and you could peacefully fall asleep in his embrace. Shortly after you did fall asleep to which he smiles

“ Your so cute (name)” he picks you up gently bringing you to your bed so they could cuddle more.

Lucci: it was early morning in enbies lobby but no one could tell due to how it was always sunny night and day and the stars never showed themselves.

You were doing your regular task along the ships feeling sad. You didnt particularly know why you felt that way but you did. You kept a smile on your face to which most people would assume that you were happy except for Lucci. He could sense how you felt at any given moment, have it be due to the Neko neko fruit or just pure instinct. He wouldn’t go right up and ask but he would follow you around a bit till you were both in a secluded area. The man walks up to you having a small hint of worry on his face.

“ Something the matter?” He ask looking down at you

“ I guess I can’t really hide it Huh” you look down at the ground “ Just feeling sad, I don’t know why” you think about it till it hits you “ Maybe because I miss seeing the stars and moon. We don’t get to see it here and it’s just something I miss” you sign before smiling “ But thats okay! I enjoy being here”

Lucci nods and gets an idea “ Meet me by the gate at 7 pm alright?” He waits for your confirmation

“ Of course lucci sir” you say even though you were genuinely confused

Through out the day you felt a bit better but there were times you thought about the stars. All so beautiful in the sky.

In the afternoon lucci goes to speak with spandam “ I have something I have to do later tonight so I’ll be taking the night off” he says while rubbing hattori chin

“ What’s so important?” Spandam complains like a whiney child

“ None of your business” he retorts

“ Probably bringing (name) somewhere” Kaku says to which slightly embarrasses Lucci.

“ None of your business” lucci walks out

7 pm comes and you were standing outside the gate when seeing the man hold something that was like a picnic basket and a train comes around

“ Get on” the man instructs.

You both get on the train and it starts to ride having it be only the two of you. It was quiet but he opens up the Picnic basket to where they’re was a small home made meal along with some snacks before he opens up the window “ Take a look outside”

You mod and look outside, you were out of enbies lobby and you could see the stars. You start to cry at the nice gesture before he sits next to you holding you.

“ You said you were missing the night sky right? I thought I would let you see it again”

“ Thank you so much!”

You both cuddle and eat watching the night sky before you start to get tired.

You yawn and hug the men quietly thanking him before falling asleep.

“ If I could do this more with you I would” he puts his face into the crook of your neck as a shooting star flies by. Maybe the stars would grant that wish.

Mihawk: it was close to midnight, it was a rainy day after the whole sky be pitch black with no stars shining through at all. The whole day Mihawk had been busy running around unable to see you all day. And right as he gets a break he can see the red hair pirate walk in

“ Yo! I’m not interrupting anything am I?” Shanks says with a smile

“ Right as I get a break to. Come inside I guess. (Name) will be happy to see you” Mihawk says seeing shanks also had alcohol with him

“ Great!” Shanks says walking in going to the living room seeing you were wrapping something up

“ What are you up to (name)” shanks ask looking over

You jump looking surprised “ I’ll tell you but you can’t tell Mihawk”

The red hair man smiles “ deal!” He opens up some rum for the both of you

“ I made ( or bought depending on how you choose) this for Mihawk. I’ve been waiting till he wasn’t busy so I can give it to him but he been busy all day” you say holding the scarf in your hands clenching down on the fabric before seeing Mihawk walk in

“ Mihawk I-“

“ Sorry I’ve been quite busy today. Let’s drink alright?” Mihawk says not noticing it we’re holding something

“ y-yeah!” You put the scarf into pocket

A few hours hours and you were already drunk and leaning against the greatest swordsmen getting tired

“ mihawk~” you say looking at the men before hugging him “ love you” you fall asleep closing your eyes

Mihawk looks quite surprised only to see shanks laugh

“ What’s so funny shanks?” The man looks at shanks with his golden eyes like he was staring into his soul

“ She fell asleep before she could show you it” he points to your pocket “ Look in her left pocket”

Mihawk wonders what the hell the other man was talking about but reaches in your pocket and grabs a scarf

“ it’s a scarf”

“ Look at it closely!” Shanks laughs drinking more alcohol

Mihawk observes it and sees his name is engraved into the scarf making his face turn a light hue of red before wrapping it around his neck and hugging you tightly starting to cuddle you.

You smile in your sleep and mumble “ I love you Mihawk” you go back to being quiet

“ I love you too” he mumbles under his breathe before gently picking you up in his arms and starts to carry you to their shared room “ Goodnight shanks” he mentions.

“ Goodnight you lovers!” He laughs seeing how cute Mihawk was being to you

Mihawk sits both of you on the bed and he watches you with his golden eyes. He thought you were the most beautiful women he has ever seen.

“ Goodnight my love” he kisses your forehead and hugs you tighter falling asleep cuddling you the whole night.

Crocodile: it was about 8 Pm in Alabasta. The sun was setting meaning it was starting to get cold. The days were scorching hot and the nights were freezing cold. Crocodile had another busy day but that was usual for the man but usually once he would have seen you walking around to either have tea ( or coffee) or feeding the bananagators. He’s not one to worry much but for you it was different.

“ where could that women be?” He walks and goes to his bedroom to think but he sees you were in his bed not looking too good. Your face has a red hue to it and you had blankets wrapped around you. You looked sick but crocodile was surprised you were in his bed and not your own

“ What are you do-“ he saw that you were asleep and looking visibly in pain and before he could continue to think nico robin appeared

“ She almost passed out near your room Mr.0. I brought her here earlier this morning. She must of been asleep the whole day”

Crocoldile sighs “ Fine. Can you leave us two alone women”

Nico smiles and leaves the two of them alone

Crocodile looking at form seeing you were still shivering despite being under 3 blankets. His face had worry in it before going to the bathroom grabbing a thermometer.

You open your eyes slowly seeing the man walk over to you “ I’m sorry cr-“

“ Don’t talk” he puts the thermometer into your mouth and when hearing the beep he takes it out. You definitely had a fever. He goes to call a doctor but can feel your hand grab on his clothes

“Please cuddle with me” you ask before letting go. You were so tired that you couldn’t even keep your grip on the mans coat

Crocodile wouldn’t admit it but he did find it cute that such a strong women like you would ask for something like that. He would completely deny any one else but he sighs shaking his hand “ Alright” he gets in bed and wraps his coat around you knowing you like his coat before seeing you wrap your arms around his form and closing your eyes once again

“ Thank you crocodile” you fall asleep having your face show the real pain you were in once again.

The man hugs you lightly not wanting to hurt you but let’s put a small smile before frowning “ Your definitely seeing a doctor tomorrow. But for now I will cuddle with you. I love you (name) you are a very strong women and I can’t see you being sick” he goes and turns off the light “ Goodnight (name)” you both sleep the whole night together having crocodile keep your warm the whole night.

Sanji: it was 7 pm, the stars were shining beautifully through the night sky. Everyone had finished dinner but you had decided not to eat. You wanted to watch the stars in the sky and think about the solar system as a whole. They’re were so many theories out there but one that was always on your mind is that the people you missed were a star in the night watching over you to keep you safe. It had been a while since you were on the ship with your crew but you missed the people you love and watching the stars made you feel closer to them. You were so lost in the stars you didn’t even hear Sanji yell your name

“ (name)-chaaaaaannn!!” Sanji rushes over with food that he had saved for you but he sees that you were so intently looking at the stars that you didn’t even notice he was there, to which made him shock

“ (name)-Chan?” He says poking your shoulder to which makes you jump “ Didn’t mean to scare you but you never came to dinner so I saved you some food”

“ O-oh thank you Sanji-Kun” you smile a bit taking the food and give him a hug in thanks before eating quietly and watching the stars

Sanji felt like he could pass out at the women, your hugs were like a hug from the goddess, your smile was brighter then any star in the sky.

He goes and sits down next to you wanting to spend some time together

“ What are you thinking about cutie?” He ask to which your face gets bright red

“ I-I well” it takes you a moment before speaking again “ When I look at the stars it brings me peace. They’re are so many different things people believe in when thinking about the stars. But the first thing that comes to mind for me is the people you love, the people you miss. They are the stars in the night watching over you, protecting you to whoever may harm you. They are the guiding light in the night sky” you take a bit of your food almost chocking when Sanji hugs you close, smelling the strawberry shampoo in your hair “ Are you missing someone right now?” He ask rubbing your hair trying to soothe you

You hum and nod your head “ I love being with everyone here, it’s always a fun new adventure waiting to happen but...” you take a breathe “ I do miss some people in my life. Every day I’m grateful for being here with everyone but I do miss them”

“ It’s okay (name)-Chan. That’s completely normal feeling. Everyones loves you here but I love you more then anyone else on this ship. I’m always here for you” Sanji looks up at the stars

You finish your dinner and lean against the cook giving him a kiss on the cheek “ Can we stay like this for a bit longer? I know you have to clean up but being with you like this... it makes me happy”

“ of course darling, anything for you”

Both you and Sanji spend a long time in each other’s arms watching the stars in the sky and enjoy each other’s company.

Zoro: today had been quite a peaceful day on the ship to which was a very rare occasion but it did sometimes happen. You were able to relax peacefully, everyone doing there own things but all you could here was Zoro grunt when lifting weights. You knew he was lifting inhuman number of weights but he was being very loud today for some reason. You stop whatever your doing and try to walk to him but you start to fall off the ship and before you go overboard Zoro had dropped his weights and grabbed you quickly

“ Z-Zoro...” you look at the man “ T-thank you”

Zoro humans but starts to hug you tighter while putting his face into his shoulder seeing some of his crew mates staring

“ Zoro is something wro-“ before you could continue Zoro quickly lifted you up your feet and carried you both to your bedroom placing you on the bed

“ Zoro what’s going o-“

“ I want to cuddle with you (name)” a light blush forms on his face “ I wanted to all day but I couldn’t get the words out. But seeing you almost fall off the ship it-“

You go and kiss the swordsmen cheek smiling “ It’s okay. I would love to cuddle with you”

He grins and gets in bed with you. He wraps you both in a blanket before hugging you tightly. One big arm wraps around your body while the other plays with your hair. He loved you so much, toot smile, your laugh, the way you shine in the sun, the way you could make his day with a snap of the finger. Zoro would never have thought of falling in love but with you, it was a whole new feeling, one he would never want to stop.”

“ I love you (name)”

“ I love you too Zoro. Thank you for cuddling with me”

He hums and the rest of the day you both cuddle and talk having it be a peaceful but very nice day, to which you both will hold dearly in your hearts

Im sorry if there are any grammar mistakes as I didn’t check before hand due to it being my birthday and I wanted to get this out as quick as possible! Again I hope you enjoy!

[frutavel]

About Mahamba (in game, real life and headcanons)

Because I like to blab!

1. In game Mahamba is a rare crocolisk mob in Stranglethorn. You can find him near the Venture Co. Oil rig, near the river. He's the only non aggressive crocolisk mob in the zone if I'm not mistaken.

2. An Alliance quest has you collect a totem and icons from the Bloodscalp trolls. The totem has Pogeyan (lynx) as the fire spirit, Tsul'kalu (gorilla) as the earth spirit and Mahamba (crocolisk) as the water spirit. The same quest says the three of them are worshipped by the Bloodscalp

3. Pogeyan and Tsul'kalu are also rare mobs you can find in Stranglethorn. They have nothing to do with the quests mentioned above, they're just there for the sake of being there I think. Pogeyan is the only one of the three who is aggressive.

4. Mahamba's icon is a leather doll shaped like a crocolisk. Tari has one of those.

5. The real life Mahamba is a crocodile said to have been found in Africa who was just. Huge. An absolute unit. Motherfucker unlimited. There were numerous sightings from different sources who had different size estimates, but they all agree he was Large tm

6. Entering headcanon territory, and following the logic above. Mahamba's in game model is already way bigger than the other crocolisks, I headcanon he's even bigger than that. I don't have exact numbers but he's big enough to swallow a troll whole.

7. His troll form is smaller, but even as small as he can make it he's still way taller than your average Zandalari. Him Big tm

8. In game the only tribe said to worship him is the Bloodscalp, but I think it's safe to assume the other trolls in Stranglethorn do too. I'm 90% sure some of the Skullsplitter follow him, the Gurubashi at least know about him if nothing else (there's a lot of crocolisks in Zul'gurub and like half of them use the same model as him, I'm using that as a footing), and I think there's also some Darkspear who are likely to follow him. Like Tari!

9. This might be a bit of a stretch, but there's also a bunch of crocolisks in Zul'aman (I ran the dungeon just yesterday :D) and some of the Amani beast handlers have crocolisks with them. I will use that as footing to say some forest trolls might worship him too.

10. Another headcanon that might be a bit of a stretch, and this one has nothing to do with Mahamba, but I think it's possible for Pogeyan and Halazzi (the Amani lynx loa) might be related somehow. They've both lynxes and we know the Amani love their lynxes, so they might worship Pogeyan too

11. Following that logic I see no reason for them to not at least know Mahamba exists

12. And that means at least some of the Amani might want to worship him

13. And that might have spread to other forest troll tribes

14. It's my adopted deity and I get to decide who worships him

15. Gral is the loa of the ocean and Mahamba is the spirit of water. That includes the ocean, so technically Mahamba should have power over Gral. The way I settled this is by having Mahamba be the guardian of fresh water like rivers and ponds and lakes, and also the ocean shallows, while Gral's domain is the deeper ocean.

16. This is backed by the existence of saltwater crocodiles irl, they can survive just fine on the ocean but as far as I know they never swim too far from the shore. Same logic applies to Mahamba, he has a little bit of reign on the shallows but everything else is Gral's territory and he stays away from it.

17. He prefers fresh water anyway. It's easier on his skin.

18. Best way to gain his favor is with food. He'll eat anything you offer, meat, fish, fruit, people, anything goes. He didn't get that horrendously big by being a pick eater. Feed him.

19. He's easy to please but his boon is hard to get. Only Tari and a handful of others ever got access to the boss croc's power. You have to make a deal for it and he might mot always accept your offers.

20. He's considered a loa, because as we know trolls consider everything a loa, but his in game title is spirit. I think he works a little differently from your "standard" loa, but I don't know how much different or what the difference is. We will consider him a normal loa for now.

21. Disrespect the waters and you will get eaten. The Venture Co. is number one on his hit list and he has eaten many of them over the years.

22. He gets along fine with his fellow animal spirits, and with most other loa, but he is a little wary of Krag'wa and has called Bwonsamdi a bitch in the past. Big respect for Gral and Torcali on the other hand.

23. If you know how to call to him, he will answer almost every time. You have to learn first, and that takes a while. Tari knows.

24. He is a really chill guy, it's hard to upset him and he doesn't hold grudges unless you really mess up. Don't piss off the boss croc. Please. You're gonna die.

25. You know Tari's blind eye? He ate that. Not literally, the physical thing is still there in Tari's skull, but when he made his deal Mahamba ate the life force and energy that was still in there to seal it. If it weren't for that Tari might still have vision in both eyes today.

[ominousunflower]

Crazy Composed: Chapter 1

Written for Day 1 (Eye Contact) of @luxyweek

Fic summary: Luka Couffaine is known for his saint-like composure, but five seconds with Xavier-Yves Roth is enough to make him completely lose his cool. And yet, after the two meet again at Le Grand Paris, they somehow find themselves spending more time together—which either means that something is going on between them, or Luka Couffaine has officially gone crazy. (According to his friends, it’s a bit of both.)

Rating: T Word count: 4545

___________________________________

“Thanks for staying to help,” Marinette murmurs to Luka, as she picks up a macaron with a pair of tongs and sets it on a businessman's plate. “I know you only came to the hotel to make a delivery.”

“It’s fine,” Luka says. Pouring another glass of punch, he smiles awkwardly at the businessman, then sets the glass alongside a dozen others. “You needed help, so I’m happy to be here.”

Normally, Luka would stay as far away from a catering event as possible. These sorts of things are always crowded and cramped, loud with chattering, and he tends to prefer quieter, emptier spaces. But the moment he’d walked into the hotel and seen Marinette off to the side wearing a half-smile-half-grimace, he’d resolved to stay and make her job easier.

So far, nothing too bad has happened. From what Marinette has told him, it’s some sort of business conference, which would explain why everyone is wearing suits and ties. Luka feels woefully underdressed in his hoodie and sneakers, but Marinette has assured him that no one will notice what he’s wearing underneath the apron.

The calm shatters when a familiar magenta-haired woman rushes up to the table, slipping between two people in line.

“Oh, Marinette,” Penny says. “Thank goodness. I thought I saw you down here earlier.”

“Penny!” Marinette says, eyes wide. “Um, what is it? Does Jagged need something?”

“There was a meeting earlier with some music folks. Somehow, Jagged and XY ended up in the same room, and…” Penny sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose. “Well, Bob Roth is in another meeting, and neither one of them are listening to me. I assume since you’ve dealt with both of them before…?”

Marinette offers Penny a strained smile. “Say no more! I’ll see what I can do.” She glances at Luka. “Do you want to come? I know you’re a fan of Jagged, but…”

But you got akumatized the last time you spoke to Xavier-Yves Roth and his father. That’s probably what Marinette is too nice to say out loud.

Luka clenches his jaw. “I’ll come with you. Maybe the sight of my face will remind XY to watch himself.” Belatedly, he remembers that Penny is still standing there. He clears his throat. “I’m not going to cause any trouble, I promise.”

Penny just smiles. “I’m sure you two can handle them. Oh, and here—give me that apron, Marinette. I’ll take over while you deal with the problem upstairs.”

Marinette slips off the apron and passes it over to Penny. “What floor?”

“Fourth,” Penny says. “Room 412.”

“Got it.”

Marinette takes off at a sprint toward the elevators, leaving Luka to throw his apron on the table and follow her. They stick to the perimeter of the room, avoiding the crowds of people milling around the center.

“You don’t have to help, you know,” Marinette says, as they wait for the elevator. “I know you and XY aren’t on great terms.”

Luka folds his arms across his chest. He’s used to people thinking that he’s calm and collected, so he doesn’t appreciate the implication that he can’t handle a confrontation with someone who has two letters for a name.

Well, technically it’s just a stage name, but still. How does no one else see how stupid it is?

“I’m fine,” Luka assures her. “I know I didn’t handle things well last time. But I’ve learned from that mistake—I won’t let the Roths get under my skin.”

The elevator dings, and he and Marinette step inside.

Silence falls between them. Now, of all times, Luka is reminded of the fact that Marinette never really responded to his confession. He hasn’t exactly retracted it, and she hasn’t explicitly rejected it, so where do they stand, exactly?

While he’s sure that he still has a crush on her, anyone with half a brain can see that she and Adrien are a perfect match. (Of course, anyone with half a brain could also see that the two of them are probably Ladybug and Chat Noir, so maybe the people of Paris just aren’t that smart.) Luka has a feeling that any romance he starts with Marinette will ultimately lead to her realizing that Adrien is the one for her, and he’s not too interested in being a relationship catalyst.

But Luka is also someone who says what he means, so he’s not going to take back a confession that’s still technically true. Unfortunately, that has resulted in the current awkward silence, where Luka can feel the anxiety rolling off Marinette in waves. No doubt she’s worried that he’ll try to make a move.

Should he say something? No, because what if she’s not thinking that? Then he’ll just seem weird and anxious.

Luka sighs to himself. He wishes that people were easier to understand. Do they really think that his musical talent makes up for the fact that other human beings are a mystery to him? It’s a good cover, he supposes: being able to play a few bars based on a person’s aura, in a smooth way that makes them think he understands them. Why, yes, fellow human, I completely understand you! Listen to this G-major chord! I heard it in your heart.

It’s not a lie, though—Luka does understand emotions. He just doesn’t understand the thoughts that come with them.

Fortunately, Luka’s musings fill up the time it takes to get to Room 412, sparing him from any awkward exchanges with Marinette.

“Yeah, Fang!” an accented voice—unmistakably Jagged Stone’s—yells. “You want this cell phone? Been a while since you had some crunchy technology, huh?”

“Give it back!” another voice whines. Luka rolls his eyes. There’s no question that’s Xavier-Yves Roth.  

Marinette glances at Luka, then knocks on the door.

“Why should I give it back?” Jagged snaps. “You were going to post a picture of me with the caption Ragged Stone. I’m not a has-been! I’m rock-‘n-roll!”

Luka sighs. “Is he always like this?”

“Pretty much,” Marinette says. Her foot taps rapidly against the carpeted floor, and she knocks again. “Uh, Jagged! It’s Marinette Dupain—”

The door flies open, and Luka’s sort-of-idol Jagged Stone is standing on the other side, signature guitar slung over his shoulder. “Marinette!” he says, his accent butchering the r in her name. He grabs her shoulder and shoots her a finger gun. “Great! I’m so glad you’re here. Deux-letters here is trying to harass me with his Instagram or whatever. Do me a favor and keep an eye on him? I’m all fired up now, so I need to get a drink or something.”

“Um.” Marinette leans around Jagged and peers inside. “You didn’t actually feed XY’s cell phone to Fang, did you?”

“Nah. I’ve got it right here. I only destroy my property, you know? I’m not a vandal.” Jagged pulls the phone from his pocket and drops it into Marinette’s hand. Then his eyes fall on Luka. “Oh, hey! You’re Marinette’s guitar friend. Luka, right? Sorry for arguing with your mom that one time. You’ve got talent. We should work together sometime! Any friend of Marinette’s is a friend of mine.”

He pats Luka on the shoulder, then squeezes between him and Marinette. Grabbing his guitar, he starts playing it as he walks toward the elevator, filling the hallway with the sound of rock ‘n roll.

Luka stares after him, slightly dazed. “Did he just say he wanted to work with me sometime?”

“He did!” Marinette says. “And he’ll keep his promise, too. Jagged is a good guy.” She purses her lips and puffs out a breath. “But we’ve got a bigger problem.”

“Right,” Luka says, sighing. “Babysitting XY?”

“And Fang,” Marinette says. “Jagged left him here, and I doubt he and XY get along.”

Grimacing, Luka looks through the doorway at Jagged’s pet crocodile. Fang is lounging on a sofa, yellow eyes fixed on XY, who’s draped across an armchair on the other side of the coffee table. XY looks every bit as infuriating as Luka remembers; his lazy pose makes Luka’s fists clench involuntarily.  

“Stupid crocodile,” XY says, pouting. He grabs a pillow from behind his back and chucks it at Fang.

Fang growls and catches the pillow in his mouth, his large teeth instantly ripping it to shreds. Soon, all that’s left is a few shreds of fabric and stuffing that have fluttered to the ground.

Luka glares at XY. “Why would you throw something at a crocodile?”

XY shrugs. “It’s just a dumb lizard. Hey, are you room service? I want something to eat.”

Luka deeply inhales through his nose, calling on years of meditation to keep himself calm. “No, I…” He trails off as Fang crawls off the couch and starts plodding toward XY. “Uh.”

Marinette presses XY’s phone into Luka’s hand and rushes forward. “Fang!” she says, in the high-pitched way a person might talk to a puppy. “Hey, there! Who’s a good crocodile?”

Bizarrely, Fang stops and almost seems to smile at her. The song “Never Smile at a Crocodile” plays in Luka’s head, and even though he trusts Marinette to handle things, he can’t help but be slightly concerned.

Marinette pats her thighs and beckons Fang toward her, then starts backing toward a door off to the side. “Fang, do you want a bath? Some nice water? I bet that would feel nice. Why don’t we get you in the bath while we wait for Jagged?”

Apparently bath and Jagged are two of the words Fang knows, because he changes course and walks after Marinette to the bathroom.

“That was unbelievably stupid,” Luka tells XY.

“What do you mean?” XY says, waving a hand as he stares at the carpet. He doesn’t even have the decency to make eye contact with Luka when they’re talking. “Your girlfriend’s got it handled. I figured she would.”

“She’s not my—never mind. I’m not talking to you. It will just make me angry.”

Luka folds his arms across his chest and scans the room, waiting for Marinette to finish drawing Fang’s bath. He can hear the sound of running water echoing from the bathroom, though the noise isn’t as soothing as it could be when he knows it’s for a crocodile bath.

“How am I making you angry?” XY asks. “I’m just sitting here.”

It’s the WAY you’re sitting, Luka almost says, before he realizes how dumb that sounds. Instead, he just shrugs and stares at what little he can see of the bathroom through the open door. All he can make out is Marinette’s shoe and a giant crocodile tail, but it’s better than looking at XY’s face.

“Hey, can I have my phone?” XY asks.

“Why are you asking me?” Luka snaps.

“Because you’re holding it?”

Luka glances down at his hand, where sure enough, he is holding the phone Marinette gave him. The case is covered in some sort of obnoxious bling that makes Luka’s eyes burn. “Oh. Sorry.” Luka crosses over to XY’s chair and holds out the phone. “Here.”

XY grabs it from his hand without looking at him. “Thanks.”

Immediately, XY’s phone starts beeping, and a second later, an alarm tone goes off on Luka’s own cell phone. He digs it out of his pocket and sighs.

“What was that?” Marinette asks, running out of the bathroom with water dripping from her hands.

“Akuma alert,” Luka says flatly.

If his suspicions are correct, he knows exactly how this is about to go.

Marinette squeaks. “I, um—have to—macarons! Penny has no idea how to hold the macarons, and I…need to…go teach her.” She sprints across the room and pauses in the doorway, shifting from one foot to the other. “I’m really sorry, Luka. I hate to leave you two—”

“Go ahead,” Luka says, trying not to sound too resigned. “I know the…uh, macarons are important.”

With a nod, Marinette runs into the hallway and pulls the door shut behind her.

Luka wanders across the room to glance out the ornate hotel window. From this spot on the fourth floor, he can see part of the Place des Vosgues, along with some familiar houses and stores.

As he looks outside, though, he can feel eyes on him. It’s hard to describe��similar to when he senses a person’s mood—but someone is definitely staring at him.

Praying that it is not a hungry crocodile, he slowly turns around.

XY’s blue eyes are fixed on him, staring out from beneath his ridiculous blond hair. His brow is creased ever so slightly, almost with an expression of trepidation. But, well, why would XY be afraid of Luka? Luka’s the one whose career could be ended in an instant by XY’s capricious father. Luka doesn’t have the power to do anything to XY.

Luka stares back, hoping that XY gets the message. Don’t mess with me or my friends.

XY nods slowly and goes back to fiddling with his phone.

Luka’s fingers itch for his guitar, but of course, he didn’t bring it with him, since he thought this would be a quick delivery stop. Mirroring XY, he pulls out his own phone and pulls up his contacts. Surely there’s someone he can text to pass the time…

Adrien Agreste’s name stares back at him from the top of the list. Luka considers it—Adrien is pretty fun to talk to, and would definitely sympathize with Luka’s current plight—but then he realizes that if Adrien is Chat Noir, he’s probably busy fighting the akuma right now.

XY clears his throat. “Uh, you play bass?”

Luka scrolls further through his contacts, because surely XY isn’t talking to him. But when he glances up, XY’s eyes are fixed on him again.

“Me?” Luka says. “I play guitar.”

“Right,” XY says. “That’s the one with six strings.”

Luka barely resists rolling his eyes. “Yeah.”

XY doesn’t respond, so Luka goes back to his phone. He pulls up the Ladyblog and skims it for updates: apparently the akuma is some sort of food-themed monster stomping throughout the city, and Ladybug has yet to summon her Lucky Charm. Based on past data, Alya has projected the battle to last twenty minutes, and advises civilians to stay inside to avoid being trampled.

Really, though, wouldn’t it be better outside? XY isn’t outside. Luka will gladly risk getting crushed by an angry hamburger man if it means escaping this awkwardness.

“And you, uh,” XY says. “You’re in that cat band?”

Luka sighs, keeping his eyes on his phone. “Kitty Section, yeah.”

He braces himself for some taunt about the name—which Luka will fiercely defend, because cats are excellent, thank you very much—but instead XY just says, “Oh, that rings a bell.”

“It should,” Luka says, gritting his teeth, “since we’re the band you and your father stole from.”

“Stole is kind of harsh,” XY says. “I prefer inspired by.”

Luka glares at him. “Is that a joke?”

XY shrugs.

“Have you ever had an original musical thought?” Luka asks, before he can stop himself.

To his frustration, XY gives another shrug. “Eh. Everything’s unoriginal, you know?”

Technically, that’s true, and Luka would agree if the phrase was coming from an actual artist. But it’s coming from XY. Scowling, Luka says, “There’s a difference between unoriginal and plagiarized, you know.”

In Luka’s head and in front of his bathroom mirror, he’s played out this scenario dozens of times, and in those imaginary conversations, he has said much more insulting things to XY. Of course, Luka would never actually say any of those cruel things…but XY is testing his patience.

When he thinks about it, though, XY hasn’t done anything wildly offensive today, except make very unwanted small talk. And that’s infuriating in its own way. Luka wishes he would do something bad, so that his irritation felt more justified.

“Yeah, sorry,” XY says. “I didn’t realize that was illegal.”

“It’s not the illegal part that bothers me,” Luka says. He wonders if he should even bother trying to explain what’s actually wrong. “It’s that my friends and I worked hard on that song, and Marinette worked hard on those costumes, and your father threatened us and undermined our work. But it makes sense that legality is all you two are concerned about. After all, you can’t make as much money if your father is in jail.”

He bites down on his tongue the moment the words are out. Does XY just bring out the worst in Luka? Or does Luka have less self-control than he thought?

“I mean, yeah, we wouldn’t want to get sued,” XY says. He’s now tossing a TV remote up and down, catching it with one hand. He won’t meet Luka’s eyes, which might be for the better; if he did, he’d see Luka’s brief moment of guilt over snapping at him. “Besides, coming up with stuff is hard.”

“So you understand why we were upset,” Luka says slowly.

What, exactly, did he do to deserve this conversation? Is it the fact that he’s flirted with both Marinette and Adrien? Is the universe somehow blaming him for keeping those two apart? Because, if so, that’s wildly unfair. Marinette and Adrien could be the last two people on earth, and they’d still find a way to be oblivious about their feelings for each other.

“You could have been flattered,” XY says. “We thought your stuff was good enough to steal—um, borrow. Or…yeah.”

“Do you even hear yourself?” Luka asks in disbelief.

Maybe XY is wearing noise-cancelling earbuds that Luka can’t see. Maybe that’s how he manages to be so utterly tone-deaf.

“Yeah,” XY says. “Why? Am I talking too loud?”

Luka sighs. “You’re surrounded by music. You perform all the time. You must be able to come up with something on your own.”

Distantly, he thinks maybe he should give up on this conversation. He’s wasting his energy on XY. There are some people who just don’t get it, and this wouldn’t be the first time Luka has exhausted himself for a lost cause. (For instance: trying to convince his mother that maybe some laws are worth following for the public good, and that it might be a bad idea to install actual cannons on the Liberty.)

“Maybe,” XY says with another shrug. Luka thinks his shoulders must be pretty toned from all the shrugging he does. “But why bother, you know? The computers write lyrics and tunes that people like. Guaranteed success. Seems stupid to write my own stuff.”

If success was all that mattered when it came to music, maybe—and for XY and his father, that’s probably the case.

Luka’s curiosity gets the best of him, and he asks, “Have you ever tried to write your own songs?”

“Yeah, once.”

Luka frowns. Is this the set-up for a joke? Is there a punchline? XY doesn’t seem clever enough to set up a joke, given that Ragged Stone was the best insult he could come up with.

XY stops tossing the remote and holds it in his hand, fiddling with the buttons. “When I was eleven, I wrote a few songs and showed them to my dad.” Luka almost asks, Then why didn’t you keep doing that? but XY answers him in the next breath. “He said they were garbage. And I mean, he’d know, right? He’s, like, a music genius.”

Luka has doubts about how much of a music genius Bob Roth is, but he supposes it makes sense that eleven year-old XY would think that. Even now, XY probably conflates success and money with ingenuity.

But Luka’s mind is hung up on one word, blaring in his ears on repeat: GARBAGE.

Luka doesn’t want to have sympathy for XY. Sometimes, people are just rude and nasty, and they don’t deserve Luka’s pity. Unbidden, though, his brain is conjuring up a scene: a little blond kid with less-ridiculous hair, wide-eyed and hopeful, showing his father his songs—only to be told that they’re horrible.

Maybe that’s not how it went down. Maybe XY didn’t care about the rejection. But Luka has a feeling that, deep under XY’s blaisé exterior, he still remembers the pain of being told that his creations were worthless.

Damn it. Now Luka has sympathy for XY.

“That’s ridiculous,” Luka says. He tells himself that he’s just angry on behalf of a fellow musician—because technically, XY is a fellow musician. “I can only imagine if my mom told me that my songs were garbage when I was eleven. I mean, they probably weren’t that good, but—”

“Your songs?” XY interrupts. Luka’s sympathy ebbs, replaced by the irritation he feels every time XY opens his mouth. Luka shouldn’t have mentioned his own music; now XY is going to criticize it, and of course his opinion doesn’t mean anything, but Luka will still be annoyed. “Nah, I don’t believe that. Your music’s good.”

It’s certainly not the most glowing compliment Luka has ever received, and it’s delivered with a shrug—and yet, Luka finds his cheeks warming slightly at the comment. Maybe because he never expected XY to actually compliment someone besides himself.

“Have you…heard my music?” Luka asks.

“Just the one song you played on that broadcast. The one we tried to…” XY trails off, and Luka stares at the side of his head, silently demanding him to finish the sentence. “You know.” Frowning, XY tosses the TV remote onto the sofa where Fang was previously sitting. “At least my dad thought your music was good enough to use.”

Luka winces. “I’m sorry.”

The moment the words leave his mouth, he can’t believe he said them. Did he just tell XY that he feels sorry for him?

“Don’t be sorry that you’re good,” XY says. “He knows talent when he sees it, right?”

“But that’s—that’s stupid,” Luka says, taking a step toward the couch. XY doesn’t look up at him. “Your father should have encouraged your music, or helped you to make it better. He shouldn’t have just—” He growls. “I’m not a big fan of him, so of course I’m not surprised, but that’s still unfair.”

XY tilts his head toward Luka, though he still doesn’t quite make eye contact. “So you’re a fan of me, then?”

“No,” Luka says flatly.

XY nods, seeming unbothered. “Anyway, that’s cool. No one’s ever gotten mad for me. Well, my dad yells at people to make them do things for me, I guess. Does that count?”

Luka resists the urge to facepalm. The way XY says such spoiled things so casually—is this how Adrien feels, dealing with Chloé all the time? Then again, Adrien and Chloé are friends, and Luka and XY certainly aren’t.

Although, if Adrien can be friends with Chloé, does that mean Luka could befriend someone like…?

No. Luka refuses to consider it. He’s not getting involved with someone this rude and high-maintenance. People might think Luka has the patience of a saint, but in fact, he does not. And why would he take XY under his wing, after he and his father tried to screw over Kitty Section? XY’s personal issues aren’t Luka’s problem, and it’s certainly not his responsibility to nurture XY’s creative side.

Xavier-Yves Roth is young, Luka’s conscience says. Of course he makes mistakes. His brain isn’t fully developed yet.

Neither is mine, Luka thinks back. Which is probably why I’m even considering something this stupid.

“You know,” Luka says slowly. “If you…did write another song, and wanted to run it by someone…”

XY is silent for a moment, and then he finally looks up at Luka with a quizzical expression. “You? You’ve never sold albums or topped a chart. You wouldn’t have any useful feedback.”

Ah. Yes. This is why Luka wasn’t going to get involved with XY. Luka sympathized with XY for having his father tell him his offerings were worthless—and then XY turned around and said the same insensitive thing to Luka.

So what if Luka hasn’t topped the charts with an album full of banal, soulless songs? At least he makes music he’s passionate about.

It occurs to Luka that XY isn’t looking at him with scorn in his eyes. He just looks confused, which means he doesn’t even realize that what he just said was insulting.

Since Luka is feeling charitable—and XY’s words are meaningless—he decides to shrug off the comment. “I’m not interested in songs that sell,” Luka says. “I was just offering a second set of ears.”

“Oh.” XY blinks. “I don’t really see what’s in it for me…but, yeah, I guess it could be good practice for you. You know, learning how to work with someone in the industry.”

This is not worth it, Luka thinks. You will gain nothing from helping him.

Be a charitable person, his conscience insists. Do something good without expecting anything in return.

Luka snorts to himself. He’s already helped Ladybug and Chat Noir save Paris several times as Viperion. Isn’t that enough charity for the year?

“What’s so funny?” XY asks.

“Nothing,” Luka says. “I was thinking of something else. I’ll…keep your offer in mind.”

“Sure,” XY says, going back to his phone. “I’m not usually this generous, so, you know—it’s a special offer. I bet a lot of people would be jealous.”

Luka sighs. XY might not know much about music, but he’s certainly talented at infuriating people.

Before Luka manages to think of a response that doesn’t involve scathing sarcasm, there’s a loud knock on the door.

“Luka? XY? It’s Marinette!”

Luka rushes over to the door, checking his phone as he does. According to the Ladyblog, the akuma was defeated about a minute ago.

He opens the door and Marinette runs inside, panting. “Sorry, the, uh—the…”

“Macarons,” Luka supplies.

“Right! Yes,” Marinette says. “But then I got distracted, and, uh—there was an akuma, did you hear? Crazy! I mean, not crazy, because Paris has had a lot of akumas, but, you know…”

“I’m glad you’re back,” Luka says.

Marinette nods, then leans forward and whispers, “How was XY?”

Luka shrugs. “About what you’d expect.”

That feels a bit disingenuous, though. Because XY isn’t quite what Luka expected. Yes, his attitude is infuriating, and he oozes upper-class shallowness—but Luka’s starting to realize that there might be a reason that XY acts the way he does.

Not that Luka intends to stick around long enough to find out.

XY groans and stands. “I guess that lame rock star isn’t coming back for his dumb lizard. You two can watch him. I’m going downstairs to get food or something.”

He crosses the room and brushes past Luka and Marinette without a word. His eyes meet Luka’s as he leaves—and there it is, again, that look of almost wariness.

Then he shrugs and leaves, and Luka and Marinette are alone with a crocodile in a bathtub.

“Thanks for not feeding him to the crocodile,” Marinette says.          

“Yeah, well.” Luka shrugs. “I didn’t want to give my favorite rock star’s pet indigestion.”  

A second later, they hear a grunt and a crack, followed by a tidal-wave splash; and for the moment, at least, Luka’s thoughts of Xavier-Yves Roth are forgotten.

[niallsstainedcoffeecup]

Who Knew

Harry loves his girlfriend, but will one mistake ruin it all?  Hey guys, this story is loosely inspired by Pink’s song, Who Knew.  I hope you all enjoy.  Feedback and Requests are welcomed!  Lots of love!

           There are times in life when an event or a person may change one’s life forever.  Whenever Y/N first met Harry, she encountered her first life-changing event.  Y/N dated a handful of men, but it always ended terribly. She considered herself a loyal person. Whenever she fell in love, she loved only that person.  Her exes never felt the same way.  Every guy she dated eventually cheated on her.  She built a wall around her heart.  She stopped falling in love so easily.  Niall planned on changing her fate.  Niall stumbled across Y/N at a local flower shop.  Y/N helped Niall search for the perfect flowers to impress his date with.  Niall adored Y/N’s sweet and innocent soul.  He hated that men took advantage of her pure heart, so he decided to fix her up with the second best human being, Harry Styles.  Once Niall returned home from tour, he always threw the most outrageous parties.  Harry never attended the parties because he didn’t want to feed the media’s image of himself.  Reporters constantly painted Harry as the partier or the womanizer, but he just enjoyed spending time with friends.  Harry’s ideal night included a romantic comedy and a glass of wine.  Niall messaged him nonstop about the upcoming party. Harry politely declined, and Y/N did the same.  Y/N loved Niall, but she despised drunk Niall.  Drunk Niall spilled secrets, cried every time he puked, and tore apart his surroundings.  In the morning, everyone backed out of cleaning up, but Y/N was never that mean. She would wake up early and trudge around Niall’s backyard with a trash bag.  Niall huffed, revising his plan on setting up his best friends.  Instead, Niall messaged the couple about a movie night. He claimed that he hadn’t seen the other in forever and desired their attention.  Harry agreed, missing the Irish lad.  Y/N agreed, asking Niall if he needed any groceries for their night together.  Niall laughed maniacally now that his plan was falling into place.   *  *  *

           Days passed slowly until the night that Harry would change Y/N’s fate forever popped up.  Y/N wore comfy yoga pants, a baggy sweater, and worn sneakers.  She assumed it would only be Niall and her.  Harry wore track pants, a white t-shirt, and his favorite sneakers.  Harry looked forward to spending his evening with Niall.  Niall greeted everyone that passed through his front door.  Niall invited thirty close friends to this party. Y/N’s uber slowly drove down Niall’s block, she narrowed her eyes, focusing on the crowded house.  Y/N grumbled, preparing to murder Niall.  How could he lie to her?  She could have stayed home and relaxed instead of spending her night with a bunch of drunk rich people.  Harry rolled his eyes, parking his car down the block.  Of course, Niall lied to him.  Harry glanced down at his attire, wondering if it was too late to escape.  Niall jogged out of his house, greeting the unhappy couple.   “Niall Horan, I swear I am not afraid to kill you.  I look like a fool,” She cried out. “Niall, what are all of these people doing here?”  Harry hissed. Niall shifted his eyes between Y/N and Harry. The blood boiling stopped the couple from noticing each other. “It’s very nice to see you both.  I lied to you because you two never attend my parties. I wanted you two to meet, so I fibbed,” Niall admitted, proudly smiling. Y/N blushed, realizing Harry Styles stood a few feet beside her.  Whenever she met Niall, she exposed her secret love for one direction.  Niall learned that Harry Styles was her celebrity crush, and he finally acted on the knowledge.  Harry turned to Y/N, smiling the sweetest smile that she ever saw.   “Hello, I’m Harry.  I’m sorry you had to see me like this,” Harry motioned at his outfit, shooting one last glare at Niall. Y/N giggled, “Don’t worry about it.  I’m certainly not wearing an evening gown. I’m Y/N.” Harry gasped, “You are the famous Y/N? Niall never shuts up about you.” She blushed, smirking at Niall, “I do save his life a lot.  I make sure he eats his greens, calls his mom, and washes his underwear.” “Hey, I remember to wash my underwear,” Niall whined. Harry laughed, “I’m sure that if you weren’t around, Niall would be doomed.” “I know that he would be doomed.” Niall huffed, “I’m glad you are getting along, but why do you have to make fun of me?” “It’s easy to pick on you,” She gushed, pinching Niall’s red cheeks. Harry chuckled, “Will you save me a dance?” Her eyes nearly bugged out of her head. Harry Styles wanted to dance with her. She nodded, gulping down the shock. Harry shook her hand before disappearing into Niall’s house.   “You don’t have to say thank you, but I do live on praise,” Niall whispered in her ear. She shoved her elbow into his arm, “You are an idiot.” Y/N spent her evening, conversing with Niall’s friends.  Every hour, Niall would appear in front of everyone and tell an embarrassing story about someone.  The first few hours started with tiny stories that didn’t embarrass anyone, but as the hours passed and Niall drank, the stories could cause the most confident person to blush.  Y/N sipped her drink, counting down the minutes until she could create an excuse to leave.   “Hey, can I have that dance now?” Harry snuck up behind her. She jumped, spinning around, “Yeah, I would like that.” Harry held out a hand for her to grab. She grinned, allowing Harry to hold her close.  Harry swayed their bodies slowly to the beat.   “I’m glad I met you.  I didn’t know how beautiful you were,” Harry purred. She blushed, feeling as though she might faint, “You are beautiful too.” Harry giggled, “Thank you.  Are you seeing anyone?” She shook her head, “No.” Harry opened his mouth, choosing the right words to say.  Y/N held her breath, wondering if Harry might ask her out.  Niall popped up in front of everyone, tripping over the invisible stair. He cackled, waving his arms wildly. Y/N and Harry broke apart, rolling their eyes at their drunk friend.   “Guys, did you all know that Y/N loves Harry? She grew up as a one direction fan. She once told me that she spent every night kissing her one direction posters.  She spent extra time with Harry,” Niall winked at Harry. Y/N gasped, clutching her aching heart. Tears blurred her vision.  She couldn’t believe Niall would tell everyone that story.  She knew that Niall didn’t mean to break her heart, but she still felt betrayed. Harry froze, hoping nobody laughed at the beautiful girl beside him.  Everyone had celebrity crushes.  She faced Harry with crocodile tears in her eyes.  Harry’s heart cracked in half.  He wanted to hug her and make everything okay. “I’m sorry.  I don’t know why Niall did that.  I’m embarrassed.  You must think I’m a freak,” She mumbled through her trembling voice. Harry hurriedly shook his head, “No, you aren’t a freak.  We have all done embarrassing things.  I would still like to take you out on a date.” She chuckled bitterly, “Yeah right, why would you like me?” Harry shrugged, “You are adorable and nice. Would you give me a chance?” She smiled, “I would be insane to say no.” That first date led to multiple dates. Harry asked Y/N to be his girlfriend after their first month of dating.  Six months into their relationship, Harry and Y/N bought a house together.  Dreams of growing old together filled their innocent minds.  For once, Y/N wasn’t afraid to fall in love because she knew Harry would catch her.   *  *  *

           “He isn’t right for you,” Her friend stated, picking at her nails.   “Yeah, haven’t you read the articles?  He’s cheating on you with Kendall and Caroline,” Another one whispered loudly. Y/N rolled her eyes, sipping her drink. Her friends sat at the small table, discussing their mistrust of Harry.  Y/N ignored her friends, deciding to enjoy the quaint restaurant instead.   “He’s a cheater and a womanizer,” One friend spat out. Y/N glared, leaning closer so no one at the adjacent tables could hear, “You need to shut up.  You can believe those shit media articles, but you do not get to call Harry those terrible names.  You do not see how those names affect him, but I do.  I love him, and he loves me.  I will not tolerate you bullying my boyfriend.  We have been together for nearly two years, and you still cannot let me be happy.  If you were my friends, then you would smile and keep your words to yourself.” Her friends gasped, shocked by Y/N’s comment. They shrunk in their seats, feeling embarrassed by Y/N’s outburst.  They were looking out for their friend since she often ignored the red flags of her cheating boyfriends.   One friend huffed, throwing her napkin on the table, “We watch out for you, we pick you back up when someone breaks your heart, but I cannot do it again.  Harry will break your heart, but we won’t be here to fix it.” Her other friends nodded, standing abruptly. Y/N swallowed the lump in her throat, acting as if she hardly cared.  Ever since she started dating Harry, she learned how to deal with people walking out of her life.  Friends and family didn’t like Harry or couldn’t handle the sudden increase in wealth. Either way, Y/N watched people that she cared about abandon her life.  Her friends stormed out of the restaurant, leaving the crumbling Y/N at the table.  She paid for the meal and drove home with tears in her eyes.  Once she stepped inside of her house, she released her tears. Harry stepped into the living room, hearing the door shut.  He hummed along to a new song he finished. “Hey plum, guess what?  I finished…” Harry stopped talking, frowning once he saw her sobbing on the couch. Harry plopped down beside her, pulling her fragile body into his arms, “What’s wrong?” “My friends don’t want to talk to me again. They called you horrible names, and I stood up for you.  They said they couldn’t be friends with me because you’ll cheat and they can’t help.” Harry scoffed, “That’s terrible.  I would never cheat on you.” Harry pressed delicate kisses all over her face until her sobs calmed down.  She stared into Harry’s emerald green eyes, recognizing the heartache and guilt.  She shook her head, caressing his smooth cheeks. “I love you.  I never regret falling in love with you.  I don’t need you to beat yourself up.” Harry sniffled, “I hate that you are losing everyone important because of me.” She tutted, “If they were important then they would support me.  You are the only person that’s important to me.”   Harry grinned, “How did I get so lucky?” “I ask myself the same question every day,” She smirked, kissing Harry’s lips passionately. People didn’t always stick around in a person’s life.  The important ones were there through the thick and thin. *  *  *

           Harry stirred his tea, focusing on the line of steam escaping his mug. Y/N searched in the fridge, deciding whether fruit or oatmeal would last until lunch.  Harry grinned, admiring Y/N’s wiggling behind.  He stood up from the stool, tiptoeing toward Y/N.  Harry growled, wrapping his arms around Y/N’s waist. She squealed, giggling out of pure joy. Harry spun her around, kissing her deeply.  She pulled away, staring into his beautiful eyes. “I love you.” Harry smiled, “I love you more.  I don’t want to go to work.” “You have to go so you can sing and prance on stage,” She mumbled, running her thumb over his bottom lip. Harry nipped at her thumb, “I don’t prance.” She rolled her eyes, “That’s like saying Niall doesn’t drink.” Harry shook his head, “You are asking for it. Are we still on for dinner tonight?” She nodded, “I plan on getting out of work early.  I’ll meet you at the restaurant.” “Great, then we can come home and shed off those work clothes.” She gasped, “Mr. Styles, you are very naughty.” Harry chuckled, kissing her once more. Y/N loved those mornings the most. The mornings were the best when Harry couldn’t get enough of her, and she dreaded leaving him.  She left for work, feeling thankful for having Harry in her life.   *  *  *

           Niall messaged her, asking her out for lunch.  She agreed, sending him the location of this new Thai restaurant that Harry introduced her to.  She dreamt of pad thai for the past few nights.  Niall waited impatiently outside, dialing her number for the fifth time. She tsked, jogging up to the Irish lad. “Hey, I’m sorry.  I couldn’t get out of this meeting.  How are you?” She wondered, kissing Niall’s cheek. Niall squeezed her, “I’m well.  How are you?  You’re glowing.” She blushed, “I’m well.  Harry’s been home for the past few weeks.  How was the first half of the tour?” Niall waved his hand, “Amazing, but we can talk once we grab a table.” The waitress sat Niall and Y/N at a table near the front door.  Niall faced the door since he enjoyed watching people.  Y/N scanned the menu, deciding what to eat today. “What do you suggest?” Niall wondered, looking for something safe that wouldn’t react badly with his acid reflux.   She hummed, “Harry loves the yellow curry. I love the pad thai.” Niall nodded, “I’ll try the curry.” Niall dived into his stories about the tour. Y/N laughed at Niall’s crazy stories, wondering how Maren survived three months with Niall.  As Niall stuffed the last bit of yellow curry in his mouth, all color drained from his face.  Y/N noticed, stopping herself from eating another bite.  Panic set in, causing her to grab Niall’s clammy hands. “What’s wrong?  Are you choking?  Are you allergic to it?” She asked hurriedly. Niall shook his head, “We need to go.” She quirked an eyebrow at Niall, “What’s wrong? Why do we have to leave?  We haven’t even ordered that dessert we wanted to try.” Niall shook his head, staring behind Y/N. Y/N sighed, spinning around despite Niall’s protests to not move.  Y/N couldn’t describe what happened to her.  The first thing she felt was her stomach churn and threaten to spill her recently digested pad thai.  The second thing she felt was her heart slow and crack as if it stopped working.  The last thing she felt was the hot tears streaming down her pale cheeks.  Harry stood near the waiting station, kissing a blonde woman.  She gasped, drowning out the noise of Niall calming her down.   “Love, we need to go.  You cannot break down right now,” Niall begged, standing up quickly. Niall threw down a couple of dollar bills, rushing to her side.  Luckily, no one noticed the scene unfolding.  Niall yanked her frozen body out of her seat.  Her feet could not move, feeling betrayed by her racing mind. Niall led her toward the front door, which happened to be closer to Harry.  Niall thanked her for staying silent, but it wouldn’t last forever.  Once Y/N came closer to Harry, an ear-piercing sob broke the air.  Harry spun around with eyes wide like a deer caught in headlights.  Tears flowed as she ripped her body from Niall’s arms. She bolted out of the restaurant. Whatever she saw had to be a lie. Harry loved her.  That man looked like Harry, and her Harry was working at the studio.  He would surprise her at dinner.  He wouldn’t kiss that blonde again.  No, she didn’t waste two years with a cheater.  She didn’t throw away everyone for a cheater.   *  *  *

           Harry stumbled into their shared house.  Heartache and betrayal bled down the cracked walls.  Harry noticed her figure sitting on the couch. He coughed, stumbling toward his girlfriend.  Harry didn’t know what he felt.  Harry’s heart cracked the minute she caught him kissing that other woman.  Harry didn’t know the other woman.  He met her the other night at an event, and she promised him a night that he wouldn’t forget.  Now, Harry couldn’t swallow the guilt suffocating his lungs.  Harry plopped down beside her figure.  She hissed, scooting away from his warm body. Harry wiped at his eyes, hoping he didn’t break down into tears. “I need you to leave,” She whispered. Harry frowned, “Plum, please, we can work through this.  I love you.” She glanced up, exposing her bloodshot eyes, “What can we work through?  I know that you aren’t going to say our relationship because this is not a relationship.  A relationship has two people that love each other, trust each other, and would never cheat on each other.” Harry whimpered, “I didn’t mean to cheat. If I could go back in time, I would never sleep with her.” She glared, “Well, we aren’t in some imaginary world, Harry.  No, this is real life, and you slept with her.  I hope she was worth it.” Harry wiped the tears streaming down his cheeks, “I love you.” She winced, “Do not say that.  I love you.  I gave you everything.” “Plum…” “No, I gave you everything, and you threw it all away.  You do not get to call me plum.” She spat out. Harry sobbed, falling to his knees, “Please, I can’t lose you.” “You should’ve thought about that before you cheated.  I want you gone before I’m back home.  I’ll be at Niall’s house, and I do not want to see you.” Harry sobbed, watching her storm out of their house.  The door slammed shut, echoing through his broken heart.  The blonde woman that kissed Harry surprised Y/N with the second life-changing thing. *  *  *

           Niall never imagined his two best friends heartbroken because of each other.  Niall ignored Harry for weeks but called him whenever Liam expressed his worries about the curly haired man.  Niall stayed with Y/N, helping her move on without Harry.  Neither person was okay without the other.   “I miss her,” Harry admitted, chugging another shot.   Niall shook his head, stealing the vodka from Harry’s sticky hands.  Harry pouted, wiping at his runny nose.  Niall cleaned up the mess around Harry’s hotel room.  Niall sniffed Harry’s shirt, gagging once he realized the smell came from Harry. “Geez, when was the last time you showered?” Harry shrugged, “The last time I showered was the last time I saw her.  I didn’t want to wash off her scent.” Niall frowned, “Mate, I think her scent is gone.  You reek.” Harry pouted, “I’m heartbroken, and you’re insulting me.” Harry ran a hand through his oily locks, staring at Niall with his bloodshot eyes.  Niall moved Harry’s dirty laundry around the room.  Harry scratched at the growing stubble on his chin.   “Are you going to get her back?” Niall asked, hoping the answer was yes. Harry snorted, “She doesn’t want me back. She hates cheaters, and I am a cheater.” “You are scum, but you love her.  She loves you too.  She looks almost as bad as you,” Niall mumbled. Harry gasped, “She still loves me?” Niall nodded, “I don’t understand why, but she seems to think you two are soulmates.” Harry grinned, “I may have a chance.” “You’ll have to prove your case though,” Niall warned. Harry nodded, absorbing Niall’s advice. If there was a chance that Y/N would come back to Harry, then Harry would risk it all. *  *  *

           Y/N typed up reports, sniffling every few seconds.  After Niall messaged her boss, stating that Y/N was ill, her boss allowed Y/N to work from home.  Y/N sighed, rolling her eyes at herself.  She needed to grow up.  She had been heartbroken before, but for some reason, she couldn’t stop crying this time. She cried in the shower, while cooking dinner, and even while she was finishing up reports.  Her heart couldn’t seem to get over Harry.  Niall calmed the ache since he spent a majority of his time at her house.  Niall stepped inside of Harry’s office where she chose to work.   “Love, I made some sandwiches.  You need to eat,” Niall mumbled. She snorted, “Why should I eat?  I’d rather die.  I can’t go on without Harry.” Niall glared, “You can go on without Harry. You are a strong woman that doesn’t need a cheater.” She huffed, “Niall, how can I believe in love when my soulmate betrayed me?” Niall frowned, “Everyone suffers from a broken heart, but love finds a way.” “I want him back.  I know I told him to never talk to me again, but I miss his voice. I watch videos that he sent me during the tour to fall asleep.” Niall shuffled over to her, rubbing her aching back, “It’ll be okay.” “Maybe I should go to him.  I love him, and he has to love me.  We can fix everything.  I’ll trust him again.  We can go to counseling.” Niall smiled, “I’ll stand by your side if it makes you happy.” Y/N grinned, jumping up to hug Niall, “Thank you.” True love only happens once in a lifetime, and Harry was her true love.  She could watch him move on, or they could be happy together.  She was willing to throw it all away. *  *  *

           Harry picked her favorite flowers, bought a box of her favorite chocolates, and hid the ring box in his suit jacket.  Y/N cleaned the mess in their house, bought Harry’s favorite treats, and even wrote Harry a letter expressing everything she felt.  Harry breathed in, calming his racing heart. Niall reassured Harry that Y/N would take him back, but Harry worried she would laugh in his face.  Y/N told Niall to tell Harry that she would meet him at the park.  She drove down the streets, slowing at the red lights.  Harry grabbed his keys, jogging out of the ratty hotel.  Y/N parked her car near the entrance.  Harry hummed along with the radio, bopping his head to whatever happy tune played.  Y/N chose a bench that Harry would surely notice once he showed up.  Harry stopped at a stoplight, scrolling through his phone.  Y/N checked her watch, smiling anxiously at the bright blue sky.  The car behind Harry honked, forcing him to step on the gas. Harry never checked before the light turned green.  Harry missed the racing truck speeding his way.  The sound of crushed metal echoed in Harry’s aching ears.  Y/N huffed, dialing Harry’s number for the tenth time. She checked her watch, wiping away the tears gathering in her eyes.  Of course, Harry never loved her.  Harry stood her up, and that was her last straw.  Y/N stood up, picking up the basket of Harry’s treats that she wasted money on.  Niall searched for her familiar features through his blurry sight.  He caught sight of her exiting the park.  Niall darted toward her figure, swallowing the sobs threatening to spill.   “Y/N!” Niall called out.   She turned around, glaring at Niall, “What? He didn’t come.  He doesn’t love me.  You told me that he would show up.” Niall shook his head feverishly, “No, something’s happened.” Her eyes widened, taking in Niall’s appearance. Niall’s hair was disheveled, his lips were raw from his teeth biting into them, and tears rolled down his red cheeks.   “What happened?” She wondered, gripping her chest.   Something inside of her knew what happened. Her legs gave out as a painfilled sob echoed through the town.  Tears streamed down her pale cheeks as she shook her head.  She refused to believe the news.  She gripped her aching heart, wondering if she was next.  Her mind raced with all the possible scenarios that must have passed through Harry’s mind.   *  *  *

           Y/N zipped up the black dress, loudly sobbing once she looked at herself in the mirror.  The house they once shared felt empty and sorrowful.  Harry’s clothes still sat on his closet rack.  Harry’s healthy food still filled the fridge.  A book of unwritten songs sat on Harry’s desk. Niall knocked on Y/N’s door, frowning at her appearance. “Are you ready?” Niall croaked out. She nodded, holding out a hand for him. She wasn’t sure she could walk on her own.  Niall drove silently to the church, checking on her mood.  Niall couldn’t pinpoint her exact feelings.  She was sorrowful and heartbroken, but there was something else in there.  Once they parked at the church, she stepped out of the car.  The gravel crunched under her heels as she held her head up and swallowed the lump in her throat.  Niall followed, smiling sadly at the sobbing guests.  She marched down the aisle, stopping in front of the casket.  She stared down at his beautiful pale face, and her heart stopped beating.  Tears streamed down her cheeks, but she couldn’t make a noise.  She gripped the purse in her hands, shaking her head.  Niall hurried to her side, pulling her outside of the church.   “Are you okay?” She sucked in a harsh breath, “Am I okay? No, Niall, I will never be okay. The love of my life died.  I was supposed to marry him.  We were going to have kids, and we didn’t because I kicked him out of my life, this is my fault.” Niall shook his head, grabbing her shoulders, “This is not your fault.  Everyone has a certain time that he or she has to go.  He loved you, and he wanted to spend every moment with you.  If he were here, he would reassure you that this is not your fault.” She sobbed, falling into Niall’s arms, “I miss him.” Niall nodded, “I miss him too.  We can get through this.  He’s here with us.” She nodded, “Will you hold my hand?” Niall gripped her hand as they walked back into the church.  Harry left such a large imprint on Y/N’s life.  Whenever Harry died, he left the biggest change in Y/N’s life that she ever experienced.  She wasn’t sure how she would move on, but she knew that no matter what, he would be by her side.  Harry loved her, and she loved him.  

[francesbeau]

Othello - Quote Analysis - William Shakespeare

Started: 30th of April 2021 Finished: 30th of April 2021 

Act One Scene One: 

- Iago talking about Cassio: “great arithmetician/mere prattle without prance” Targets Cassio’s lack of experience 

- Iago talking about Cassio: “A Florentine never damned in a fair wife” Mentions outsider status to disconnect him from the dynamism of Venetian life. Depicts Cassio as a bachelor to create more realism, goes against Cinthios original play.

- Iago: “We cannot all be masters, nor all masters truly be followed” A corruption of the master/servant relationship. Draws upon the tricky servant trope (servus callidus) King James had just been appointed to so this was very topical. 

- Iago: “I am not what I am”, teasingly obscure and creates the question of who really is Iago? Also makes an allusion to 12th night where Viola says “I am not what I am” This showcases how vows about dissemblance can have benign intention. 

- Iago to Brabantio: “look at your house, your daughter and your bags!” asyndetic listing highlights women as secondary importance. 

- “An old black ram is tuping your white ewe” explicate reference to miscegenation. women as an extension of property. Subdued pun to make Brabantio the victim of violation. This sexually suggestive language is because black rams are associated with lust and sexual potency and its horns imply its the reincarnation of the devil. 

- “You’ll have your nephews neigh to you, coursers for cousins, and jennets for germans” Paronomasia is where words nearly sound alike, similar to eye rhyme. Cluster of racial attacks. 

- Brabantio: “thou art a villain” - Iago: “you are a senator”. Dissonance of identity, highlights corrupt higher structures. 

- Roderigo: “tying her beauty, duty and wit in an extravagant and wheeling stranger” 

- Iago: “However, this may gall him with some check” - Subdued equestrian metaphor of a horse being pulled back by reins. 

Act One Scene Two: 

- Iago: “By Janus” Appropriate God to evoke as it is the twofaced God.

- Othello: “Keep up your bright swords” Where Christ, betrayed by Judas, is arrested he order Peter to “put up thy sword into thy sheath” 

Act One Scene Three: 

- Duke: “Valliant Othello” first person to use his name and its the most important man in all of Venice. 

- Othello: “Rude I am in speech, and little blessed in the soft phrase of peace” Actually highly articulated. Spezzatura -  ‘certain nonchalance, so as to conceal and make whatever one does or says appear to be without effort’

- Othello: “I won his daughter” - Links to patriarchal norms, Romeo and Juliet there is challenge for Paris to win and “woo” Juliet. 

- Othello: “The anthropophagi and men...” The allusion to the race of the cannibals in the Odyssey called Laestryganes who tried to eat Odysseus. 

- Othello: “she wished heaven had made her such a man” Kind of fickle and would love any man with same fantastical tales. 

- Desdemona: “divided duty” / “I saw Othello’s visage in my mind” Blackness of face is merely a deceptive outward show and his true countenance lies in the mind. 

Othello: “Nor to comply with the heat of young affects” - He is confining his sexual passion due to his stereotypes and has a lack of matched enthusiasm. Separates himself from sexual desire. Could be guilty repression. Freud: Sexual instincts are allied to emotional condition of fear” 

- Duke: “your son-in-law is far more fair than black”

- Iago: “our bodies are gardens to the which our wills are gardeners” - whole soliloquy goes on to examine to argument that if we didn’t have rational minds to counterbalance our emotions our desires would take over. 

- Iago: “these Moors are changeable in their ways” / “Moor is of free and open nature”

- Iago: “when she is sated with his body she will find the errors of her choices” Sexual reference

- Iago: “womb of time.”

- Iago: “twixt my sheet/ done my office” anxiety within marriage links to 2.3 when he calls Othello the “lusty moor” who leapt into his “seat”

- Iago: “Cassio’s a proper man” Acknowledges adversaries advantages. 

Act Two Scene One

- “What from the cape can you discern at sea?” Begins in storm which is symbolic of passions of Cyprus. Starts with the limitations of light and foreshadows metaphorical blindness. 

- “Our great captains, captain” 

- Othello: “oh my souls joy if after every tempest come such calms” / “If i were to die twere now the to e the most happy, for I fear my soul hath her content to absolute” Last time Othello is truly happy 

- Desdemona: “Our loves and comforts should increase even as our days grow”

Act Two Scene Three 

- Othello: “Are we turned Turks?/For Christian shame” Evokes intermittent conflict between European powers and the Ottoman Empire

- Othello to Cassio: “what's the matter, that you unlace your reputation thus.” 

- Iago: “I’ll pour this pestilence into his ear” Link to Hamlet where the King was poisoned by it being poured into his ear

Act Three Scene Three 

- Iago: “Ha, I like not that.” / “Nothing My Lord, or if, I know not what”. Plants seeds of suspicion with mysterious interjection 

- Othello: “Excellent wretch, perdition catch my soul. But i do love thee, and when i love thee not chaos comes again” Oxymoran - doesn't have a grip on emotions. breakdown of cosmos and order as chaos is the undoing of the gods. 

- Iago: “Honest My Lord?” Othello: “Honest? Ay, Honest.” Anadiplosis is the repetition of the last line of previous conversation

- Iago: “My lord you know I Love thee” - John 21;15 “Lord thou knowest I love thee” 

- “Beware my Lord of Jealousy! It is the green-eyed monster that doth mock the meat it feeds upon”

- Othello: “Haply for I am black and have not these soft parts of conversation” - Endemic to Venetian culture are attitudes that Othello cant inculcate. In the shape of Iago the venomous rage of society that are rocked by the elopement play out. 

- “She s gone, I am abused and my relief must be to loathe her” 

- “I had rather be a toad and live upon the vapor of a dungeon than to keep a corner in the thing i love” - This metaphor places emphasis on the embarrassment of cuckoldry. The animalistic imagery is interesting as toads are insignificant and gross which highlight how he feels. Women is the aggressor.

- “I think my wife be honest, and think she is not”

- Iago about a fake dream from Cassio, “I heard him say, ‘Sweet Desdemona let us be wary and hide our love”

- Iago to Othello: “I am your own forever” language of service, however Iago hints at mephisteplion bargain by which Iago has ensnared his soul. 

Act Three Scene Four 

- “There is magic in the web of it”, assumes bizarre shape of perverted trail

Act Four Scene One

- Iago: “to kiss in private” aggressively plants seeds of images of animated sexual congress 

- Othello about himself: “A horned man’s a monster and a beast” Sign of cuckoldry 

- Othello: “My heart has turned to stone” / ��He Beats his chest’ / “sweeter creature” (like Cassio’s dream) 

- “I’ll chop her into messes” Truculent 

“Each drop she falls would prove a crocodile” - complex conceit, crocodiles generated spontaneously and a proverbial hypocrisy. Plutarch suggests that crocodiles wept when devouring their victims. Crocodile pretends to be in distress to lure victims in. 

Act Four Scene Two

- Othello about Emilia - “a lock and key of villainous secrets”

- Desdemona: “I understand a fury in your words, bot not the words.” 

- Emilia: “she forsook so many noble matches” - links ti act one scene two: she shunned the wealthy curled darlings of our nation

Act Four Scene Three

- The whole song of willow, link to Hamlet as Ophelia fell from a willow tree and drowned after finding out her husband did not love her. 

- Emilia: “if wives do fall” - Post-lapsyrian, eve’s fall from grace. 

- “The ills we do, their ills instruct us so” inverts traditional male leadership role. 

Act Five Scene One 

- ‘Iago wounds Cassio in the leg from behind and exit’ - constant scene controlment. Displays talent for improvisation. 

Act Five Scene Two

- Othello: ‘Think on thy sins’ Desdemona: ‘They are the loves I bear to you’ could be a reference to race but more so an allusion to the sin of living a human more than god. 

- Othello: “A murder which I thought a sacrifice” Zenith of insanity.

- “The sun and the moon and that affrighted globe” Christs crucifixion similar events. Globe theater in terror. 

- “It is the very error of the moon” - Power of the moon can induce madness

- “Base Indian who threw away a pearl” - Matthew 8 Merchant who looses everything trying to obtain a pearl. 

- “Malignant and a turband turk” - symbolically annihilating both Iago and himself. Whole speech is about the salvation of a soul peppered with semantics of Orientalism.

- Lodovico: “this heavy heart with heavy heart relate” Rhyming is emblematic of balance that civilized Venetians are saturated with

[thatishogwash]

Children Who Swear

Day 5: 18th August - Bodies Age Change AU (Childhood/Aged-Up) 

AO3

Daichi started to gather ingredients to make crepes.  He felt his magic buzzing around him, letting him know by touch and a little something extra which ingredients would make the best dessert.  Daichi had never been able to explain his magic, it was a small thing that helped him with his bakery and that’s all that really mattered to him.  Suga and Asahi would be in the front of the bakery, cleaning and getting things ready to open that morning.  Daichi had already made a variety of breakfast foods for them to sell and put out, but he felt like making crepes.

Of course it had nothing to do with a certain green eyed mage down the road who visited frequently.  Iwaizumi had mentioned he loved crepes and hadn’t had one in a while, but honestly, Daichi was a baker and he just felt like making crepes.  Really.

Something crashed in the front of the store followed by two voices crying together.  Daichi frowned because it sounded like children but they shouldn’t even be open for another ten minutes.

Daichi made his way out of the back of the bakery, where all the food prep took place.  He wiped his hands against his apron as he pushed past the swinging wood door and into the main part of the bakery, astonished by what waited for him.

Two toddler sized children were squirming on the ground, surrounded by clothes and a tray of muffins.  One muffin rolled towards Daichi, bumping against his foot and coming to a stop.  Daichi stared down at it for a confused moment before looking up and around.  Suga and Asahi were nowhere in sight, he couldn’t see any adults in sight.

“It’s alright,” Daichi tried to sound soothing but his voice must have been too deep because it started the toddlers who turned to him and started to cry in earnest when they saw him.  One with silver hair stumbled over to him, arms held out in front of him and little fingers opening and closing.  Daichi knelt down, caught the toddler before he fell over and stared into his red and wet face.  “Where are your parents?”  Daichi asked, completely miffed.

Really this wasn’t the oddest situation he had been in.  But he had opened a bakery for god sake, it wasn’t suppose to be like his school days looking after rambunctious teenagers with no grasp on their magic.

Daichi tilted his head to the side as he noticed the little mole beneath big hazel eyes.

“Suga?”  Daichi asked with dawning horror.  The little one had stopped crying as soon as Daichi’s hands were holding him up, he was now gently hitting Daichi’s wrists, as if enjoying the sound it made.  “Oh no.”  Daichi groaned as he picked the toddler up and went over to the still crying second child.  He bent back down and looked over that child.

The toddler stopped crying instantly, big brown eyes widening with terror as he stared up at Daichi.  His brown hair was a wild mess and even though he was so small, barely an armful, Daichi knew who this baby was too.

“How in the world?”  Daichi asked, which caused little Asahi to start crying once more.  “It’s alright Asahi, you’re okay.  You’re fine.  Except for the part where you’re a little baby but you know, the rest of it?  Okay.”  Daichi’s voice, while a bit rambling, seemed to calm down Asahi who stopped crying.  He sniffled loudly, a hiccup making him jump in place.

Daichi sat on the floor with his two friends, who should be 29 year old men like himself, but were instead toddlers.  Daichi couldn’t even estimate an age because he had never really been around children.  At least they had stopped crying.  Suga was playing with the tie of Daichi’s apron while Asahi picked a muffin that had fallen near him off the ground.

“Don’t eat that!”  The floors were clean but Daichi was pretty sure eating things off the ground were bad for children.  Daichi expected Asahi to drop the muffin and start crying again, but the small child regarded Daichi with his big brown eyes before turning and trying to shove the entire thing into his mouth.  “What!”  Daichi lunged forward, trying not to laugh as he took the muffin away.  Then Asahi started to cry, which set off Suga.

Daichi was not set up to deal with this kind of magical problem.  It had to be some sort of curse or magic backlash.  Daichi took a deep, centering breath and did what he did best.  Break a big problem up into smaller pieces and deal with what he could do for now.  Which meant getting the two toddlers to stop crying, which was easy enough.  They must have some instinctive trust in him left over from being adults because speaking softly to them and handling them gently seemed to do the trick.

Daichi then made diapers out of their adult clothes.  It was a little tricky and Suga would probably hit him for destroying his clothes, but it would have to do.  He covered them up, glad that it was spring and not winter.

Then he gathered them close and made his way down the street to someone who did know how to handle problems such as this.  He would have to leave the bakery closed for the day, he had left a sign on the door apologizing for the inconvenience.  Hopefully the problem would be solved by tomorrow otherwise Daichi would have to start looking into daycares and hiring on some extra help.

Daichi had several options to help with the current situation but he let his feet lead the way down the street.  To Iwaizumi’s shop.  Daichi tried to tell himself it was because that was the place Oikawa was most likely to be, and Oikawa had more magical knowledge shoved into his big head than almost anyone Daichi knew.  Iwaizumi being there meant Oikawa wouldn’t be able to charge Daichi an arm and a leg for the cure to his current problem.

The problem that was curled up against his chest.  Asahi was trying his best to hide under Daichi’s apron, which he forgot to take off, while Suga looked around with wide hazel eyes, making noises and pointing at things.  Daichi nodded and spoke back to the little one, not sure how much he understand but whenever Daichi spoke Suga looked up at him and seemed to wait for him to stop talking before pointing out something else.

“Hello?”  Daichi called out to the surprisingly empty magic shop as he walked in.  He took a couple more steps until sensing something below him.  He stopped and looked down, almost not even surprised to see a small toddler there.

Daichi knelt down, letting Suga get a close look at the new child as Daichi looked him over.  A head of wavy brown hair and soft brown eyes, an almost petutalant look on his face.

“Hello Oikawa.”  Daichi found he much perferred the man in a toddler form.  At least his clear dislike of Daichi was cute when he was two feet tall.  Daichi smiled at the little boy who frowned suspiciously up at him.  “Is Iwaizumi here?”  Daichi asked, hoping to all the gods and spirits listening that Iwaizumi wasn’t somehow a child too.

Pap!

Daichi reared back.  The small open handed hit hadn’t hurt, it was more shocking than anything but Oikawa had gotten a good hit right on his nose.  Asahi gasped and Suga looked at Daichi with his wide shocked eyes before turning back to Oikawa.

Suga managed to get a grip of some of that wavy brown hair before Daichi could interfere, and suddenly Oikawa was shrieking.

Daichi tried to pull Suga back but that only assisted in the hair pulling.  Oikawa was reaching a whole new level of screeching as Daichi tried to put Asahi down to free up one hand, but Asahi refused to let go of Daichi’s apron.

“Who’s there?”  A voice bellowed before the broad form of Iwaizumi came ripping around a bookcase, holding a small pink haired child bundled up in a large yellow towel.  “Sawamura?”

“Help?”  Daichi asked but Suga had let go of Oikawa’s hair when Iwaizumi had appeared and curled close to Daichi’s chest.  Oikawa ran over to Iwaizumi, big crocodile tears sliding down his chubby cheeks as he held up his arms, demanding to be held.  “Sorry he hit me-”

“He hit you?”  Iwaizumi asked, nearly dropping both toddlers before catching them quickly.

“It didn’t hurt but I guess Suga decided hair pulling was a sort of revenge and I couldn’t dislodge them without dropping Asahi.”  Daichi rushed out, pushing himself into a standing position once more.  Oikawa tugged on Iwaizumi’s shirt, hair, ears, anything he could reach before pointing a small accusatory finger in Daichi’s direction.  “How did this happen?”  Daichi nearly had to shout to be heard over Oikawa’s screaming and who Daichi was assuming, Hanamaki’s laughter.

Asahi pushed closer and Daichi could sense tears coming close, which would set off Suga and what they needed right then was not two more crying toddlers.

“Oikawa enough!”  Iwaizumi finally shouted, which silenced the two toddlers immediately.  Oikawa looked up at Iwaizumi with big watery eyes, bottom lip in full pout.  “Oh no, don’t cry, I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to shout but you shouldn’t have hit Sawamura and I’m not even sure how much of this you even understand.”

“Why is Hanamaki wet?”  Daichi asked.

“This morning they were adults, Hanamaki had a box of creme puffs when he must have turned into a child and they got all over him so I gave him a bath.”  Iwaizumi sighed as he looked at Suga and Asahi in dismay.  “How could this have happened?”

“I was kind of hoping you would know.”  Daichi admitted.  Iwaizumi sighed and looked at the toddlers in his arms, who looked back at him with wide and trusting eyes.

Time passed as they wrangled the kids into diapers and clothes, then they had to feed them and find them something to entertain themselves with while Daichi and Iwaizumi attempted to figure out what had happened and how to reverse it.  Coloring seemed the best option, but every once and awhile one of them would wander off or grab a marker out of another's hands and they would lose time trying to calm everyone down and wipe away tears.

Asahi decided the best place to color was Daichi’s lap while Suga sat close, tugging on Daichi’s shirt to show him every progress he made on his drawing.  Which was mostly just a bunch of lines and scribbles, but Daichi thought they were brilliant lines and scribbles.

“I want to switch.”  Iwaizumi demanded as he once again pulled apart a fighting Oikawa and Hanamaki.  Daichi suspected that even a child-sized Hanamaki was a deviant at heart and was purposely riling up Oikawa when the adults weren’t looking.  Iwaizumi was staring down at Asahi, who had managed to mark up Daichi’s pants and apron.  Daichi pulled Asahi closer to ward off Iwaizumi.

“No chance.”  The rest were little devils in cute disguise but Asahi was a little angel.  “Plus you scare him.”

“How do I scare him?”  Iwaizumi shouted, causing Asahi to start crying.  Suga tossed a marker at Iwaizumi, which made Oikawa charge at Suga.

“Look at what you’ve done.”  Daichi said through laughter.

“Stop laughing and help me!”  Iwaizumi kicked Daichi’s leg, it was a soft kick and didn’t hurt at all but Suga and Oikawa both saw it and began slapping at each other.

“They’re learning bad behavior from you.”  Daichi admonished, though he was still trying not to laugh.  Fighting wasn’t funny but toddlers were so bad at it.  Half of the hits missed and the other half landed with soft little pap pap pap noises.

“For fucks sake where did Makki squirm off to?”  Daichi’s eyes went wide as three little faces turned to Iwaizumi in shock.  “Oh no, oh no no please don’t.”

“Fucks!”  A tiny voice shouted from somewhere near the back of the store.  Iwaizumi rushed back there as Hanamaki continued to shout the word in glee.

“Stop laughing!  You’re encouraging him!”  Iwaizumi shouted.

“I can’t help it, it’s so cute.”  Daichi put his hand between Oikawa and Suga to keep them separated.

The little bell above the door rings out and Daichi turns to apologize that the store is closed until he see’s the tall and lean form of Matsukawa standing there.  Oikawa and Suga stare, up and up to the blank man's face as he stares down at the children.

“Ah Mattsun, good you’re here, take this.”  Iwaizumi pushes Hanamaki into Matsukawa’s chest.  Matsukawa, by some luck or the fact he has a younger brother, grabs the squirming giggling toddler and holds him up towards his face.

Matsukawa stares into Hanamaki’s eyes, the child has stopped moving for once and stares back before taking a single finger and poking Matsukawa’s nose.

“Fucks!”  Hanamaki shouts, tiny voice a mere squeak.  Matsukawa looks shocked, for once not snarking or sarcastic as he stares at the little bundle.  Iwaizumi takes a seat next to Daichi, snatching up Oikawa before he can color on an unsuspecting Suga.

“What.”  Matsukawa allows Hanamaki to squirm all over him, using his tall body as a jungle gym.  Matsukawa’s hands carefully assist the climbing toddler, never allowing him to slip or fall even by a centimeter.  “What did you do to my husband?”

“You’re kidding right?  That’s not Makki, he made a copy of himself.”  Iwaizumi set Oikawa away from Suga, floating several things around Oikawa’s head to entertain the child who jumped and leaped for the flying items.  “He’s been telling you he’s wants kids for a while now, why are you even surprised?”  Matsukawa stares at Iwaizumi blankly.

“What.”  Matsukawa helds Hanamaki stand on his shoulders as Iwaizumi laughs at his friends confusion.

“I don’t know dumb-” Iwaizumi cringed as little heads swiveled towards him.  “Dumb.”

“Dumb dumb isn’t a very nice thing to say.”  Daichi sing-songs, looking down at Asahi even though he knows Iwaizumi is glaring at him.

“We’ve been trying to figure it out but they keep getting into everything so we haven’t been able to do any research at all.”  Iwaizumi complains as Oikawa makes a final attempt to grab the floating items and ends up on his butt.  Suga claps and Oikawa’s face screws up, an oncoming tantrum is inevitable.

“Well yes, they are kids, kids take a lot of work.”  Matsukawa deadpans before walking over to an empty space.  He sets up a circle of boxes.  “Play pen.”

“Huh.”  Iwaizumi hands off Oikawa to Matsukawa, who places Hanamaki and Oikawa into the play pen before reaching down for Suga, who goes willingly, and Asahi, who curls close to Daichi.

“His cowering is much more endearing when he’s not a grown adult man.”  Daichi rubs gentle circles against Asahi’s back before Iwaizumi and Daichi start to really do some research.  Matsukawa stays busy entertaining the three children, which gives them time to actually read.

Time solves nothing though.  Hours pass and Matsukawa had places a large fluffy blanket onto the slumbering forms of the children, but they are no closer to any answers.  Both Iwaizumi and Matsukawa had tried several spells and incantations.  They keep them as safe as possible, not wanting to hurt the toddlers, but nothing seems to work.

Daichi rubs his eyes as he stretches, careful not to jostle a sleeping Asahi in his lap while he does so.  He looks over to Iwaizumi, who has several books floating around him as he frowns at a thick one right in front of his face.  The words are foreign to Daichi, but he knows Iwaizumi’s own personal magic helps him with this.  Whether it’s spells or math equations, Iwaizumi can look at something and just understand it instinctively.

Iwaizumi’s brow is furrowed and Daichi wants to smooth the skin between those dark brows out.  His skin is a sun-kissed tan, lighter where his shirt rides up near the top of his trousers.  The fact that Iwaizumi fills out that shirt quite nicely does not escape Daichi’s notice.

Daichi had admitted that he was more than a little in love with Iwaizumi for going on a couple months now.  Though it had probably gone on longer than that, escaping his notice until one early morning when Iwaizumi had come in for his and Hanamaki’s usual breakfast order and he had smiled in greeting at Daichi.  Daichi had quite an ‘Oh. Oh no.’ moment, a small crisis of conscience before finally settling down.  Nothing had to change, nothing had to be done.  If Daichi noticed the way Iwaizumi’s shirt sleeves clung to his shoulders and biceps then that was fine.  Most people knew that the magic store owner was quite fit.

Daichi curled his hand around Asahi protectively before turning and laying down, plopping his head down right in Iwaizumi’s lap.

“What an unflattering angle.”  Daichi teased lightly, thinking they could both use a bit of a break right then.  Daichi carefully adjusted Asahi’s small body until he was laying curled up on his stomach.  It was kind of amazing what kids could sleep through.

“Listen you, I get enough lip from those three assholes.”  Iwaizumi motioned towards his three childhood friends.  “I don’t need any from you.”  Iwaizumi emphasized his point by gently tapping Daichi’s forehead.

“It’ll be a couple years until Oikawa and Hanamaki can actually form full sentences so I’m just filling in the gap.”  Daichi grinned up at him as Iwaizumi laughed, soft and a bit wheezy.  Daichi felt the back of his neck burn but he didn’t get up, wouldn’t move unless Iwaizumi felt it was necessary.

Iwaizumi rested his chin against his fist as he continued to read the large book floating in front of him.  Daichi closed his eyes, keeping a careful hand against Asahi’s back as he considered the possibilities.  If Iwaizumi couldn’t find anything then they had other options.  Takeda would be happy to help, but they would have to travel to him and leave the kids in someone else's care.  Something tightened in Daichi’s stomach even though there were plenty of people who would be willing to help.

The little bell above the door rang once more and Daichi cracked his eyes open to see who had entered the shop.

“Babies!”  Bokuto shouted, successfully waking up the children as he ran over to the playpen.  He was loud and colorful, exactly what most children loved.  Suga laughed happily, if a little tiredly while Hanamaki pointed to Bokuto’s long pointed ears.  Bokuto bent forward, letting the child touch and pull at his ears and horns alike.

“Why are there children here?”  Kuroo’s sly voice asked as he knelt down next to Daichi’s stomach, peering at the child there.  Asahi poked his head out, stared at Kuroo with wide brown eyes before laughing.  Kuroo’s eyes went wide, with his always present smirk he probably scared most children.  Daichi was then convinced that the adults-turned-children had at least some of their adult instincts.  Asahi had been crushing on Kuroo for quite a few years then.

“Here, he seems to like you.”  Daichi handed over Asahi without sitting up from Iwaizumi’s lap.  “And he’s Asahi, incase you haven’t noticed.”  Kuroo sat down heavily, looking at the little boy in his arms with wonder.

“Hello little one.”  Kuroo spoke softly, more softly than Daichi had ever heard the man.  Kuroo always played his emotions close to the chest so Daichi had never suspected that Asahi’s feelings were returned.  It could be because child-Asahi was ridiculously cute, but there was a gentleness there that betrayed Kuroo.

Iwaizumi ran his hand through Daichi’s hair, raising an eyebrow down at Daichi before looking over at Kuroo.  Daichi shrugged, he wasn’t in the habit of interfering with other people's love lives.  Though if Kuroo wanted to be with Asahi he would have to prove himself to Noya.  Noya wasn’t interested in Asahi romantically, but there was no one who loved Asahi more than Noya.

Asahi laughed, a giggling sound that made everyone smile around him.  He then started to chat up at Kuroo, unintelligible but Kuroo nodded along as if he understood every word.

“So this is Suga, Oikawa, and Makki?”  Bokuto asked, momentarily stopping the game of climb all over the tall elf that the children were playing with him.  Or on him to be more exact.  “That’s so weird!  You think it had to do with that spell we did Tetsu?”

“What?”  Daichi did sit up then, even though he was rather enjoying Iwaizumi absentmindedly running his hands through his hair.  Kuroo blinked in confusion before he settled Asahi down in his lap.

“No, that was just so they’d get it on already and stop bothering all of us with this sexual tension.”  Kuroo said with a shrug, though there was a smirk playing at the corner of his lips telling that he knew exactly what he had said.

“What!”  Iwaizumi shouted.

“True.”  Matsukawa’s deep voice came from the back room, where he was scrounging up food to feed everyone.

“Don’t say sexual tension in front of the kids,” Daichi scolded, trying to cover up how embarrassed he was.

“But then I said they just needed to fu-” Bokuto glanced down at the children running around his long legs.  “Is it still bad if they are all really adults?  Best not to swear anyways.  They just needed to you-know-what and make babies.  I mean the babies part was just a joke because they are anatomically unable to produce children together without a third party involve, or like, a really elaborate spell with some kind of balloon maybe-

“Bo!”  Kuroo said with laughter.  “That’s the last time we perform magic while drunk.”

“It’s going to be the last time you perform magic if you don’t fix this.”  Daichi threatened.  Kuroo’s laughter was cut off as he stared over at Daichi, wondering if he had finally pushed the other man over the edge.

“The spell should complete itself if you guys go and you-know-what, we can watch the kids.”  Bokuto cheered happily.  Daichi was beyond embarrassed, he couldn’t even look at Iwaizumi.

“That’s not happening so you better figure out something else!”  Iwaizumi growled and Daichi felt his heart drop, which was a ridiculous reaction he knew but still.  It hurt to be turned down so bluntly.

“That was cruel.”  Kuroo muttered because he could see Daichi’s face.  Daichi tried to shrug it off as Iwaizumi swung into his view, deep furrow back.

“I didn’t mean never, unless you never wanted- but it’s awkward to do now?  The walls are really thin here and- I just didn’t think you- with me?”  Iwaizumi’s ears were red and Daichi couldn’t help but laugh.

“Fucks!”  Hanamaki shouted, pointing over at Iwaizumi and Daichi.

“That’s right, you’re such a clever boy!”  Bokuto praised, tickling Hanamaki who screamed with laughter.

“True love's kiss.”  Kuroo said with a smirk.  “It tends to fix any magic.”

And Daichi was back to being embarrassed.

“It’s worth a try?”  Iwaizumi asked, crouched down next to Daichi.

“Yeah?”  Daichi had to look up a little at the other man, who was slightly taller than him in their current positions.  It wasn’t exactly how Daichi imagined their first kiss, not that he imagined it often.  Maybe once or twice, a dozen or so times.

“Yeah.”  Iwaizumi smiled, cupping Daichi’s chin and leaning forward the brush his lips against Daichi’s.  Iwaizumi’s lips were slightly chapped but it was warm and unbearably tender.  Daichi sighed against Iwaizumi’s lips as they pulled apart, though neither went very far.

Kuroo let out a grunt that caught their attention.  Daichi turned and looked over at the man, who was now covered by a very adult, and very nude Asahi.

“It worked!”  Bokuto didn’t sound too pleased to be deprived of his playmates.

“I’m nude!”  Asahi shouted in embarrassment as he attempted to scramble off of Kuroo while covering himself.  Kuroo, for his part, laid very still as tightly closed his eyes and whimpered softly.  “I’m so sorry!  I don’t know- what- why!”

“Hello honey,” Hanamaki greeted Matsukawa as he walked into the main part of the shop with a tray full of sandwiches.  Hanamaki was equally as nude.

“Good evening, sandwich?”  Matsukawa asked in his usual voice devoid of emotion.  Hanamaki accepted the sandwich happily.

“Why am I naked and covered in marker?”  Suga asked.

“Why does my head hurt so bad?”  Oikawa asked as he rubbed at his hair.

“K-Kuroo?  Are you o-okay?”  Asahi whispered to the still prone Kuroo.

Iwaizumi shook his head before resting his forehead against Daichi’s shoulder.  Daichi laughed and rubbed the others back.

“Do you want to have dinner with me?”  Daichi asked.  It seemed as good as any time to ask.

[koryos]

Dear Koryos: Can you imagine a universe wherein bats have become the ancestors of some kind of Highly Intelligent Life Form (not necessarily humanlike intelligence, but something as different from today-bats as humans are different from Ancient Primate Ancestor)? I originally just was thinking about what kind of Cultural Norms such beings would have, but then I realized I couldn't really imagine anything except bat-shaped things that more or less thought like humans.

I’ve sat on this question a while because it’s such an interesting one to me. The biggest issue here is that you’d have to specify which bats you’re making your theoretical ancient ancestor, because there’s such a vast diversity of behavior within the group. A vampire bat would be different from a sac-winged bat would be different from a hoary bat would be different from a flying fox ancestor, is what I’m saying. Any social or behavioral organization paradigm that you can think of, there’s a bat that has it.

So to think about what a sapient bat would look like, we first need to assess the intelligence and behavior of possible ancestral bats. And here I’m gonna stick a readmore, because this gets looooong.

Assessing which species would make a good sapience ancestor based on intelligence is also tricky, in large part because bat intelligence remains mostly under-examined. Bats as a whole share the rough reproductive hallmarks of other intelligent mammals and birds, in that they have long lifespans and small litter sizes (in most cases, a single pup). They also have unusually high whole brain size and EQs for their body size, though this is often attributed to the fact that they need more brain matter to handle echolocation.

However, if you look at EQs across Chiroptera, the general trend is that vampire bats and flying foxes tend to have the largest, followed by bulldog bats, false vampire bats, the fruit and nectar eating bats of Phyllostomidae, followed by most other Yinpterochiropteran groups, and then finally the remainder of the insectivorous bats. The authors of the particular paper I’m referencing suggest that this has to do with lifestyle- bats that specialize on blood, fruit, or non-insect prey may require more intelligence to solve the unique problems posed by their food sources compared to insect-eating bats. But the authors do admit that insect-eating bats may also have been constrained by the need to keep their brains smaller and lighter to allow for faster flight, and it’s entirely possible they’re doing more with less. (Also, it’s important to remember that EQ is an imperfect method for assessing intelligence anyway.)

More than one insectivorous bat species is known to have vocal learning and the capacity to imitate, and it’s highly likely that many others do, given the complexity of bat vocal repertoires. Fruit bats, particularly the Egyptian fruit bat, also display vocal imitation. This is considered pretty smart stuff, and among animals only humans, birds, cetaceans (dolphins and whales), pinnipeds (seals), and elephants are known to be regular vocal imitators, putting the bats in a pretty high-class group. Some researchers are now arguing that bats are better candidates for studying the development of human language than birds are, given their closer relationship to us and various other similarities between our vocalizations. There’s even some emerging evidence that some species of bats may recognize each other by vocal signals unique to each individual (in other words, names). In spite of all this, bat vocalizations remain largely understudied, but it’s clear all their chatter serves a purpose.

I bring up all these points because I like reminding people how smart and cool bats are because it emphasizes that intelligence matters in different ways to each bat group, but all of them show the potential for vocal complexity that could approach that of a human’s. So wherever our theoretical sapient bat comes from, it’s likely to be noisy. (Though maybe at frequencies we can’t hear.) Now, if we look at other measures of intelligence such as tool use and environment manipulation, the evidence is more on the side of fruit-eating bats, specifically flying foxes. Though I’ve never seen one use a tool per se, they are perfectly capable solving complex problems using object manipulation. For example, pulling a plastic chain up link by link to get fruit attached to the end involves a similar amount of intelligence as the animals in that famous raven-gets-meat-on-a-string study. They’re also capable of figuring out grenade feeders (feeders in which “pins” have to be removed to make the food drop out) and sometimes will carry around small objects for no apparent reason.

The unusually long thumbs of flying foxes allow them to manipulate objects with surprising precision and they may also use their feet and even wingtips to this end. Object manipulation is part of their natural repertoire (for example, pulling a branch closer to get at something tasty). This separates them somewhat from non-frugivorous bats, who don’t usually need to manipulate objects in pursuit of food- blood-drinking bats just gotta find a spot to bite, carnivorous and piscivorous bats swoop down like hawks, and the most manipulation I’ve seen an insect-eater do is use their tail membrane as a scoop to toss a bug into their mouth. If you want a sapient bat with lots of tool use, fruit-eaters are your likely ancestral group.

However, bats can alter their environment and get better access to food in quite intelligent ways without using objects. Here we ought to look at vampire bats. The white-winged vamipre bat, which feeds primarily on the blood of birds, has co-opted the behavior of domestic chickens in at least two ways. Some bats may perch on the exact spot on a hen’s back that causes her to assume the lordosis posture (i.e., the bout-to-get-boned posture) and feed from the back of her comb with her holding completely still. Others will press up against her brood patch, imitating a particularly goblin-faced little chick, causing her to nestle down on it as the vampire has its meal. This is incredible stuff, as these tactics couldn’t be utilized against their traditional avian prey- meaning the bats have learned how to manipulate chickens all on their own!

Common vampire bats prefer hoofed mammals to birds, and given the larger size of their prey usually don’t have to resort to such nefarious tactics to stay unnoticed. But their creativity also shines when their normal (at this point, human-introduced) prey isn’t available, and they proceed to feed on whatever they can find- which might include sea lions, rats, crocodiles, porcupines, turtles, and even venomous snakes. Each of these critters requires a different strategy on the bat’s part, but apparently the bats tackle the situation with ease. Indeed, one account tells of a vampire bat taunting a rat snake, easily avoiding each strike, until the snake was too exhausted to do anything as the bat brazenly sipped blood from its nose. It should be noted that this particular snake species specializes on feeding on bats.

So in comparison to a sapient fruit bat, a sapient vampire bat might be much more focused on manipulating the behavior of other species, perhaps even domesticating animals for its own use. I should mention, however, that one species of vampire bat- the hairy-legged vampire bat- has evolved a kind of opposable thumb on its foot (a sixth digit fashioned from the calcar), not found in any other bat species. It uses this thumb to help it grip branches as it scuttles around nibbling bird toes, but if you were to make it sapient, you might imagine that instead of the thumb-based object manipulation seen in pteropodids, this fellow would manipulate stuff with its feet. (No relation to the horrible Dougal Dixon futurebats, though, please.)

Speaking of horrible future bats, most of the speculative future bats I’ve seen have two things in common- a) flightlessness and b) a loss of vision in order to rely primarily on echolocation. But neither of these things are really plausible. I’ve discussed why it’s highly unlikely for bats to evolve flightlessness before, so I won’t go into too much detail here, but suffice it to say that unlike birds, which sometimes seem to drop flight as soon as they can get away with it, no bat has evolved to be flightless even when in the most prime conditions. The degree of specialization they have for flight would make it pretty hard to go back to a terrestrial lifestyle, in fact- at best I can imagine a short-flighted bat that flaps from tree to tree.

Some might argue that evolving the brainpower for sapience would necessitate flightlessness because of how heavy and energy-draining such a big brain would be, but just because that’s how humans do it doesn’t mean it HAS to be done that way: look at the brain sizes of highly intelligent birds, such as corvids and parrots- still flying, and quite well. (And the birds that HAVE evolved secondary flightlessness aren’t exactly known for their brainpower). I couldn’t find any information on the neuronal density of bat brains, but I’d bet that it’s higher than expected, given the dizzying amount of calculations that have to take place in an echolocating, flying, insectivorous bat’s head to be successful.

Sightlessness is as unlikely in bats as flightlessness... again, no bat species we know of, living or extinct, has lost its vision! In fact most bats have pretty good vision, despite the reduced size of the eyes of some species. No bat species lives in complete darkness all the time, which would be what would render vision obsolete- vision is still better off than echolocation when it comes to spotting daytime/dawn/dusk/moonlight predators on the move.

Granted, some species have almost lost the ability to see forward due to specialization for echolocation, I’ll give you that...

But they still have quite nice eyes. (And note how slits in the noseleaf allow for a little forward vision.)

In any case if our hypothetical bat evolved from a pteropodid/flying fox it wouldn’t have any echolocation at all, because they don’t echolocate, with the exception of Rousettus species, who do it via tongue-clicking. (And there’s some evidence that other pteropodids have like, a ~mystery~ version of echolocation using their wings, but we hardly know anything about that right now.) Pteropodids are also largely crepuscular- active at dawn/dusk- rather than fully nocturnal, as well, and their primary sense is vision, which accounts for their sometimes inappropriately large eyes.

Speaking large-eyed, fruit eating critters, I can say with confidence that the behavior of large pteropodids I worked with reminded me very much of the macaques I’d once worked with. Even though it’s been debunked that bats and primates are close relatives, I think large flying fox behavior is very similar to cercopitheceine primate behavior (as well as spotted hyena behavior in some ways). Their social organization is a mixed-sex, hierarchical, fission-fusion sort of society, where mating is promiscuous, coalitions can form around power grabs, and competition for spotty resources is quite fierce. Infantacide does occur in fruit bats as in primates, though I’m not sure if there’s been any study on how common it is.

Compare this to the social structure of the common vampire bat, though. Female vampire bats will shift roosts freely and form multiple-matriline groups, usually with a single or two or three males in attendance. These males defend their “harems” from other males, but there’s not much evidence for female policing as in primates, given that females regularly swap roosts; rather, the males seem focused on defending the favorable roosts themselves.

In addition, female vampire bats are pretty famous models of reciprocal altruism, that is, I’ll-scratch-your-back-if-you-scratch-mine behavior. Because they feed entirely on blood, the bats can’t build up any fat reserves, and over 24 hours without feeding can starve them. To combat this, they have a complex network of blood donors (via regurgitation, not vein-piercing) that they turn to in times of need; it’s based on kinship but even more so on how familiar they are with the bat in question, and whether or not they give blood as well when it’s their turn.

Spectral bats are strict carnivores that eat rodents, lizards, birds, and other bats. They’re notable for being a monogamous species, with two parents raising one pup together while defending a hunting territory, and in some cases the offspring of previous years may stick around to help as well, in the manner of canids and some bird species. An even more exceptional monogamous bat is the Dayak fruit bat, where males lactate as well as females. Check out the armpit-nipples of the lactating male, below.

Many other bats have lek breeding systems, like the hammerhead bat, where males congregate together to perform for females, but otherwise the sexes live separately; other species have males that fly completely solo and sing like birds to attract a mate; in other species like the hoary bat both sexes normally live solitary lives.

Most cave-dwelling insectivorous bats stay in sex-segregated groups until it comes time for hibernation, in which case they cluster together in caves, mate, and nap. Social behavior among these species is probably the most poorly understood, given that they are often tucked into near-unreachable places during the day.

Of course, the social behavior in the vast majority of all bat species hasn’t been studied at all, so who knows what other forms their societies might take? I particularly await with eagerness the discovery of a polyandrous bat species similar to tamarins and marmosets... It’s not unfeasible, given the large size of newborn bats (a pup may be up to 1/3 the weight of its mother) and the fact that they often need to be carried rather than hidden, meaning poor mom has gotta carry them while flying, and in some species it can take two years or more before they’re able to survive on their own- as in our small primate cousins, having two dads could really make life easier. I mean... look how big this newborn ghost bat pup is. (And if you’re brave, watch this evening bat giving birth... that looks painful.)

Anyway.

An important indicator of high intelligence would be a great degree of behavioral flexibility (which can lead to transmitted culture) within a species. I don’t think the social behavior of any bat has been studied thoroughly enough to assess how flexible their lifestyles are between groups, but I would bet vampire bats are among some of the most adaptive, as well as some of the most socially receptive and cooperative.

On the other hand I would love to do a study on observational learning in pteropodid bats; I bet they’d do really well. It’s already been shown that they can learn to understand and respond to human pointing gestures.

I guess my ultimate point is, you could expect a sapient bat to behave very differently based on its ancestral lifestyle and morphology (especially whether or not it echolocates) but sapience would imply a degree of behavioral diversity that wouldn’t be limited to any one set of cultural norms. Which is why I hesitate to say any sapient bat would behave just like such-and-such species, but smarter.

It would be very interesting, though, to design a theoretical culture based on creatures that are flighted (travel would be much easier, but energy requirements much higher, how are the flightless elderly cared for?), or one that drinks blood (would certain species’ blood become taboo? what sorts of species might they domesticate and how would they keep them?), one that primarily hangs upside-down in branches (artificial perches would have to go everywhere), or most especially, one that echolocates. I can only imagine the diverse sorts of oral traditions that an echolocating sapient species would have.

Hope this long, long answer gave you at least some degree of what you were looking for! And thanks for the question.

[arlingtontexasdentist]

[VIDEO] Amazing facts about teeth you definitely haven’t heard yet!

Teeth: they’re vital for us and for a variety of other animals. They allow us to eat, show our emotions, keep our faces in place and allow us to communicate with each other by speaking. 

Throughout the history of our planet, teeth on all sorts of animals have evolved and been used in some unbelievable ways that probably wouldn’t ever have crossed your mind!  

Based on a truly awesome video from FTD facts, we’re going to present you some extraordinary information about teeth. Some of these facts are strange, others are funny, and a number of them are simply unbelievable! Let’s begin! 

Canine teeth 

Some people believe (and it would be natural to assume) that having canine teeth means that an animal is a carnivore. However, the truth is different. 

Did you know that many herbivore animals like gorillas and hippos have canine teeth? Although their teeth are able to rip apart flesh, these animals are feeding on fresh, green vegetation. It’s just the way they like it! 

As for us people, evolution gave us canine teeth because, at the beginning of our history, we were super-predators. However, although meat is very rich in nutrition, studies have shown that we can live without it. So, are we carnivores or herbivores? In a very real sense, we’re both. Our personal preferences, habits and beliefs can determine which road to choose. 

Wisdom teeth 

The reason we have wisdom teeth is to serve as a sort of back-up plan in case we lose all our teeth. Who knew! However, over time the evolution of our biology along with technology, medicine, and treatment procedures has rendered wisdom teeth generally obsolete.  

According to the video and to AAOMS, 85% of people in the US remove their wisdom teeth. That said, nature seems to be taking care of the wisdom teeth problem because today, 35% of people throughout the world never even grow wisdom teeth. Scientists believe that, in the future, we will not develop wisdom teeth at all. That might be because they’ll phase out with millennia more of evolution, or because scientists will have found a way to stunt their growth in the first place. 

Want to learn more about wisdom teeth and watch a hilarious video about wisdom teeth removal? Check out this post about patients’ reactions post wisdom teeth extractios! 

The history of the toothbrush 

Ever ask yourself when the toothbrush—that precious tool that keeps our teeth healthy and our smiles shiny—was invented? The first bristle toothbrush was invented in China around 600 AC, and was made of hog bristles! We hope they had some strong toothpaste… 

The first mass-produced toothbrush like the ones we’re familiar with today is believed to have been produced in Europe by a fellow named William Addis. However, it was just a board with horse hair bristles on it. The first mass-produced toothbrush with nylon bristles was produced in 1930. 

Enamel 

Enamel is the outer layer of our teeth, and it’s strong as a rock! For real. Enamel is actually the hardest substance in our body. 

However, although your enamel is pretty hard, always try to keep it protected by eating healthy foods, brushing your teeth and keeping up good oral hygiene in general. If the bacteria that inhabit your mouth multiply too fast and penetrate the enamel, they can lead to all sorts of dental diseases, including tooth decay and tooth abscesses. 

Finally, as we’re reminded in the video, you should not chew really hard things (or show off by opening a beer with your teeth), because it can easily lead to damaging or breaking part of your tooth right off. You can split rocks, and you can split tooth enamel.  

And since we’ve mentioned chewing, did you know that the way you chew depends on if you’re left-handed or right-handed? That’s right! If your good hand is your right hand, chances are that you chew mostly on the right side of your mouth. 

Average time per brushing 

On average, most people brush their teeth for 45 to 70 seconds…a day. However, the recommended time to brush your teeth is 2 to 3 minutes twice a day. 

Brushing for 2 to 3 minutes might feel like too much, but it is absolutely essential. Proper brushing can make or break your oral health. Studies have shown that brushing less than 2 times a day and spending less than 2 minutes per brush is highly associated with plaque buildup and eventually tooth decay.  

So, keep your smile and teeth white and healthy by devoting the proper time for brushing. If you are interested to learn how a healthy smile can actually transform your life, check out this post we wrote about how a smile can change your world. 

Teeth can be worth a lot of money! 

It’s unbelievable that so people have managed to make money by collecting or selling teeth during our history! According to FTD facts, in 1860, one tooth belonging to Sir Isaac Newton (don’t worry, this was after he was no longer alive) went on sale in London for £3,633. This amount is equal to $35,700 current-day U.S. dollars! Just for the record, Newton’s tooth was later used to decorate a ring. 

The largest and strongest teeth in the world 

A natural assumption to make is that large animals have the largest teeth. However, this is not entirely true. Some of the largest teeth in the world can be found on animals that don’t even eat meat! Some of these animals include the hippo and the saber-toothed deer (YES, you read that right)! Although these animals are not the largest in the world, their teeth are enormous, with a single hippo canine tooth reaching sixteen inches in length! 

On the other hand, the sharpest and strongest teeth in the world go to the titan triggerfish. Their teeth are thin and have a human-tooth-like appearance, but they are really, really sharp. Titan triggerfish’s teeth have been created to chew coral reef rocks!    

Finally, did you ever think there could be an animal that has more teeth than a crocodile or even a shark? Well, it’s true, and you’ll be surprised to read that this creature is actually… a snail! You’ve heard it! Cute little snails have about 25 thousand teeth. However, instead of chewing, snails use their teeth to grind foods up.  

As you can see, teeth have some amazing properties and have been used in other funny, dark, and extraordinary ways throughout history beyond just chewing foods. Do you know any other amazing tooth truths we didn’t mention? Share your story with us on Facebook!

[phynxrizng]

HAEKA, THE MAGICK OF ANCIENT EGYPT, ACQUIRING MAGICKAL POWERS

Heka: The magic ofancient Egypt Acquiring magical powers— Thepractitioners of magic—Practical purposes—The practiceof magic

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Heka: The magic of ancient Egypt

.....to me belonged the universe before you gods had come into being. You have come afterwards because I am Heka. Coffin texts, spell 261 [2] First Intermediate Period to Middle Kingdom

All religions have a magical aspect [1] , ancient religions like the Egyptian, according to which all of creation was animated to some extent, perhaps more so than many others. Through magic the creation had come into being and was sustained by it. Thus, magic was more ancient, and consequently more powerful, than the gods themselves

I am one with Atum when he still floated alone in Nun, the waters of chaos, before any of his strength had gone into creating the cosmos. I am Atum at his most inexhaustible - the potence and potential of all that is to be. This is my magic protection and it's older and greater than all the gods together! Bookof the Dead, New Kingdom

It was also the extraordinary means for acquiring knowledge about one's surroundings - above all the hidden parts of them - and gaining control over them. Gods, demons and the dead could be implored, cajoled or threatened. Their help could be enlisted to avert evil or achieve one's desires. Magic was accepted by all ancient peoples as a real force. The Hebrew tradition which was strongly opposed to it, did not deny its efficacy, but rather extolled the even greater magical power of its own god:

8 And the Lord spake unto Moses and unto Aaron saying, 9 When Pharaoh shall speak unto you, saying, Shew a miracle for you: then thou shalt say unto Aaron, Take thy rod, and cast it before Pharaoh, and it shall become a serpent. 10 And Moses and Aaron went in unto Pharaoh, and they did so as the Lord had commanded: And Aaron cast down his rod before Pharaoh, and before his servants, and it became a serpent. 11 The Pharaoh also called the wise men and the sorcerers: now the magicians of Egypt, they also did in like manner with their enchantments. 12 For they cast down every man his rod, and they became serpents; but Aaron's rod swallowed up their rods. Exodus 7 [29] about 6th or 5th centuryBCE

Egyptian magical thinking continued to influence Europe. Thoth, god of wisdom and learning, was identified with the Greek Hermes Trismegistus. He was thought by the Hermetists to have originated the Hermetica, 42 books of magic [12] .

Isis lactans 26th dynasty

The worship of Isis, of whom the Metternich Stela (4th century BCE) says "I am Isis the goddess, the possessor of magic, who performs magic, effective of speech, excellent of words," became widespread throughout the Roman empire. She was the original mother of god, Isis lactans feeding her son Horus, which Christianity adopted as the Madonna. Her role as protectress is reflected in the Marian cult.

Acquiring magical powers

While its efficiency in the hands of mortal practitioners was perhaps often less than had been hoped for, magic attracted people because it was practical and made sense. Everything had a reason, often hidden to the ordinary person, but revealed to the knowledgeable.

Magical spell written in Coptic Picture source: Duke Papyrus Archive

Magic explained the relationships between causes and effects using ideas people could relate to. Analogies and symbolisms were widely used, the sympathetic principle of like affecting like was invoked, associations, be they pure coincidence, were imbued with meaning, and historic occurrences became predictors for the future. There were even prescribed ways for explaining why expected results had not materialized.

It appears that, originally, the Egyptians, like some other peoples who practiced ritual cannibalism, thought that spiritual powers resided in the body and could be acquired by ingestion. There is no evidence, though, that such a view was more than speculative and ever acted upon.

The king orders sacrifices, he alone controls them, the king eats humans, feeds on gods, he has them presented on an altar to himself, he has agents to do his will. He fires off the orders! ............ The king eats their magic, he gulps down their souls, the adults he has for breakfast, the young are lunch, the babies he has for supper, the old ones are too tough to eat, he just burns them on the altar as an offering to himself. Pyramid Texts 273-4, Old Kingdom translated byJacob Rabinowitz [5]

Magic was tightly bound up with writing, although there must have been an extensive purely oral tradition which was never recorded and is therefore lost to us. Most practitioners gained magical knowledge by studying ancient scriptures [20] . Chief among them were the lector-priests, the only clerics who were fully professional since the beginning of recorded history. They were the keepers of the sacred books.

The practitioners of magic

Magical knowledge and power emanated from the gods and was bestowed upon their servants, the kings ...

Utterance of all the gods, [to] Amon-Re: "This thy daughter [Hatshepsut], who liveth, we are satisfied with her in life and peace. She is now thy daughter of thy form, whom thou hast begotten, prepared. Thou hast given to her thy soul, thy [...], thy [bounty], the magic powers of the diadem...... The coronation of Hatshepsut 18th dynasty Breasted Ancient Records ofEgypt Part 2, § 220 Come glorious one; I have placed (thee) before me; that thou mayest see thy administration in the palace, and the excellent deeds of thy ka's that thou mayest assume thy royal dignity, glorious in thy magic, mighty in thy strength. Thutmose I,summoning his daughter to be crowned 18th dynasty Breasted Ancient Records ofEgypt Part 2, § 235

... and their substitutes in the service of the gods, the priesthood. But there were also less exalted magicians who did not deal with life and death, but with more mundane issues like good luck charms, pest control or love potions.

Aydressed as High Priest performing the Opening ofthe Mouth ceremony Tomb KV 62, 18th dynasty Picture source: Lionel Casson AncientEgypt

Sometimes spells fell into the wrong hands. Anybody capable of reading could use them [17] , and, at times, some did so with evil intentions.

Now, when Penhuibin, formerly overseer of herds, said to him: "Give to me a roll for enduing me with strength and might," he gave to him a magic roll of Usermare-Meriamon (Ramses III), L.P.H., the Great God, his lord, L.P.H., and he began to employ the magic powers of a god upon people. Recordsof the Harem Conspiracy againstRamses III20th dynasty

To the ordinary mortal magic could be dangerous, and coming into physical contact with the divine deadly. The accidental touching of the royal sceptre even by a sem priest had to be counteracted by the king's spell, and the incident was serious enough to be recorded:

The king of Upper and Lower Egypt Neferikare appeared as King of Lower Egypt on the day of the seizing of the anterior rope of the God's barque. There was the sem priest Rewer before his majesty in his office of sem priest, responsible for the clothing. The ames sceptre which was in the hand of his majesty, touched the foot of the sem priest Rewer. His majesty said to him: "May you be well!" - thus spoke his majesty. Behold, his majesty said: "It is desirable to my majesty that he may be well, without a blow for him." Behold, he is more esteemed by his majesty than any other man. His majesty ordered to have (it) put in writing on his tomb which is in the necropolis. His majesty caused a record to be made about it, written in the presence of the king himself in the district of the palace, in order to write down according to what had been said in his tomb which is in the necropolis. From thetomb ofRewer (5th dynasty) [24]

Practical purposes

Magic had important pragmatic aspects, which were exploited to achieve the aims of humans, dead or alive, spirits, and gods:

Creation of the world by Ptah, the self-fertilization of Amen or Khnum's shaping of man from clay were all deeds unachievable by ordinary means.

He (Ptah) gave birth to the gods, He made the towns, He established the nomes, He placed the gods in their shrines, He settled their offerings, He established their shrines, He made their bodies according to their wishes. From theShabaka Stone, 25th dynasty

The giving of birth was not just miraculous, but also dangerous, and the newly born was especially vulnerable.

Birth brick Picture source: University of Pennsylvania Museum website [2]

Birth bricks [2] on which the woman in labour crouched, were decorated with depictions of Hathor and other goddesses and were believed to bestow protection on the mother and above all her baby, and charms were used to guard children from evil demons [18] . Boys appear to have been favoured by their parents and given better protection, e.g. only boy's names are mentioned on apotropaic wands carved of ivory and decorated with pictures of protective deities. [25]

The dead and their resting place needed protecting too and, as history has proven, ancient curses turned out to be most ineffective

The elder of the house of Meni, he says: A Crocodile against him in the water. A snake against him on land. He will do something against that same one. At no time did I do anything against him. It is God who will judge. Inscription in the tomb of Meni, 6th Dynasty, at Giza

Amulets were worn by the living and given to the dead to empower and ward off evil [21] . Some mummies had dozens of scarabs packed into their bandages.

He (the sun god) created for them magic as a weapon, to fend off the blows of the happenings. The teachingsof Merikare,Middle Kingdom After Jan Assmann Ägypten - Theologie und Frömmigkeit einer frühen Hochkultur, p.72

As diseases were thought to be caused by spirits, healing was a magical science: the giving of medicines and the nursing care were accompanied by spells designed to expel these pathogenic agents.

Get thee back, thou enemy, thou dead man or woman ... Thou dost not enter into his phallus, so that it grows limp. Thou dost not cast seed into his anus (?) ... Gardiner,Theban Ostraca, C 1,p.13-15

According to the Bentresh Stela, describing an apparently fictitious medical case in the strange far-off country of Bekhten, when the daughter of the chief fell ill, the statue of Khonsu-the-Plan-Maker, Great God, Smiter of evil Spirits was sent from Egypt:

Then this god went to the place where Bentresh was. Then he wrought the protection of the daughter of the chief of Bekhten. She became well immediately. Then said the spirit which was in her before Khonsu-the-Plan-Maker-in-Thebes: "Thou comest in peace, thou great god, smiting the barbarians......... I am thy servant. I will go to the place whence I came, to satisfy thy heart concerning that, on account of which thou comest .........." Bentresh Stela possibly27th dynasty or later James Henry Breasted AncientRecords of Egypt Part Three, §443 f.

Physicians, priests and magicians - no clear demarcation line appears to have separated these, to our eyes very different, callings -seemingly worked according to quite strict guidelines as to how the body was to be examined, how the results were to be interpreted and which treatments were to be performed and which were not.

There are vessels in every limb of the body. When some physician, some sakhmet priest, some magician lays his finger on the head, on the back of the head, on the hands, on the place of the heart, on both arms and both legs, then he will feel the heart, as there are vessels in every limb of the body and it (i.e. the heart) 'speaks' at the beginning of the vessels of all body parts. EbersPapyrus, col. 99,Middle Kingdom

The more radical cures, like Isis restoring Osiris to life or Khufu's magician Djedi re-attaching cut-off heads belonged strictly to the realms of mythology or fancy.

The acquisition of knowledge concerning spiritual beings or the future enhanced a person's control over his destiny. One path to such knowledge was the interpretation of dreams, which was also used for justifying one's actions or legitimizing one's power:

In year 1, of his coronation as king ...... his majesty saw a dream by night: two serpents, one upon his right, the other upon his left. Then his majesty awoke, and he found them not. His majesty said: "Wherefore [has] this [come] to me?" Then they answered him, saying: "Thine is the Southland; take for thyself (also) the Northland. The two goddesses shine upon thy brow, the land is given to thee, in its length and its breadth. [No] other divides it with thee." Stela ofTanutamen 25th dynasty JamesHenryBreasted Ancient Recordsof Egypt Part Four § 922

The power attained through magic could serve many purposes, good or evil. It could be used to manipulate people's behaviour or feelings as the many love-spells prove [23] . According to the writings of Pseudo-Callisthenes Nectanebo II used magic to defend his country from outside enemies.

Magical stela, middle of 4th century BCE => Picture source: Metropolitan Museum [7]

Whenever he was threatened with invasion by sea or by land he succeeded in destroying the power of his enemies, and in driving them from his coasts or frontiers; and this he did by the following means. If the enemy came against him by sea, instead of sending out his sailors to fight them, he retired into a certain chamber, and having brought forth a bowl which he kept for the purpose, he filled it with water, and then, having made wax figures of the ships and men of the enemy, and also of his own men and ships, he set them upon the water in the bowl, his men on one side, and those of the enemy on the other. He then came out, and having put on the cloak of an Egyptian prophet and taken an ebony rod in his hand, he returned into the chamber, and uttering words of power he invoked the gods who help men to work magic, and the winds, and the subterranean demons, which straightway came to his aid. By their means the figures of the men in wax sprang into life and began to fight, and the ships of wax began to move about likewise; but the figures which represented his own men vanquished those which represented the enemy, and as the figures of the ships and men of the hostile fleet sank through the water to the bottom of the bowl, even so did the real ships and men sink through the waters to the bottom of the sea. In this way he succeeded in maintaining his power, and he continued to occupy his kingdom in peace for a considerable period. E. A. WallisBudgeEgyptian Magic [4]

Through death a person lost his power over his body. In order for him to pass safely through the underworld his mummy's sensual functions had to be restored. This was done in the ceremony of the opening of the mouth. Statues were similarly empowered.

There was no tradition of magic that was evil in itself, what we would refer to as Black Magic, but magic could be abused and was in these instances treated as criminal behaviour, though possibly especially abhorrent. Both in the Rollin and the Lee Papyrus the deeds of magicians who had supported a conspiracy against Ramses III were called "great crimes of death", "the abominations of the land" or the like, probably because the victim had been the king himself.

The practice of magic

The [magician Horus-son-of] Paneshe returned [quickly]; he brought his books and his amulets to [where Pharaoh] was. He recited a spell to him and bound an amulet on him, to prevent the sorceries of the Nubians from gaining power over him. He [went] out from Pharaoh's presence, took his offerings and libations, went on board a boat, and hastened to Khmun. He went to the temple of Khmun, [made his] offerings and his libations before Thoth, the eight-times great, the lord of Khmun, the great god. He made a prayer before him saying: "Turn your face to me, my lord Thoth! Let not the Nubians take the shame of Egypt to the land of Nubia! It is you who [created] magic [spells]. It is you who suspended the sky, who founded the earth and the netherworld, who placed the gods with ....... Let me know how to save Pharaoh [from the sorceries of the] Nubians!" From the story Prince Khamwasand Si-Osire [3]

Preparations

In order for magic spells to succeed elaborate preparations had to be made at times: It was generally wise not to choose an unlucky day, the time (dusk and dawn were especially auspicious) and place (often a dark chamber, a dark recess, a clean dark cell or a secret dark place) had to be appropriate, and, as is only proper for such spiritual endeavours, the ingredients, the medium and the magician had to be suitable, which generally meant that they had to be ritually pure: If it be that you do not apply (?) purity to it, it does not succeed; its chief matter is purity [9] . Thus in one divination spell a boy who has not been with a woman as medium was required, in another one could address the moon after being pure for three days. Implements and ingredients too needed to be acceptable, either new or carefully cleansed:

You go to a dark chamber with its [face] open to the South or East in a clean place: you sprinkle it with clean sand brought from the great river; you take a clean bronze cup or a new vessel of pottery and put a lok-measure of water that has settled (?) or of pure water into the [cup] and a lok-measure of real oil pure .... TheDemotic Magical Papyrus of London and Leiden Roman Period

One's own semen, a new brick or even milk of a black cow were relatively easy to come by, a two-tailed lizard on the other hand needed some searching, and Alexandrian weasels or hawks were becoming quite rare in the late first millennium BCE: in a temple which specialized in mummifying hawks there was a major scandal when it was discovered that the mummies contained anything but hawks.

Spells

The word, spoken or, perhaps even more potent, written down and read out aloud, was the means to influence other beings and bend them to one's will. Speech was often accompanied by actions, precisely prescribed rituals for which there were no obvious reasons and which were frequently repeated:

...... you take a vine-shoot before it has ripened grapes, you take it with your left hand, you put it into your right hand - when it has grown seven digits (in length) you carry it [into your] house, and you take the [fish] out of the oil, you tie it by its tail with a strip (?) of flax,you hang it up to . ..of(?) the vine-wood...... TheDemotic Magical Papyrus of London and Leiden

Execration rituals included piercing of a figurine with needles or knives, spitting, or burning. Some pharaohs asserted their dominance over their enemies by symbolically trampling on them: they had their foes' pictures painted on the soles of their sandals.

Talisman facilitating the process ofchildbirth Ptolemaic Period Source: © GeorgesPoncet / Muséedu Louvre [16]

Many spells required the use of special foodstuffs [18] , magical implements, figurines, talismans and the like. During the Middle Kingdom magic knives [15] , sometimes also called apotropaic [14] wands, were made of carved hippo tusks and often decorated with animal depictions. One of them carried the words Cut off the head of the enemy when he enters the chamber of the children and the spells were hoped to afford protection from snakes, scorpions [28] and other dangers. Animal figurines were among the equipment of tombs. Very popular were hippo talismans. Hippos are fiercely protective of their young and dangerous to man, the dead were therefore frequently endowed with figurines which had a leg purposely broken off to prevent them from hurting the tomb owners. Vessels, lamps, knives and other utensils were used. Blood (of smun-geese, hoopoes, nightjars, worms, puppies, humans etc), semen, oil and water were mixed with other animal or plant matter (shavings from the head of a dead man, hawk, ibis or crocodile eggs, gall of a gazelle, ankh-amu plant, [senepe plant], 'Great-of-Amen' plant, qes-ankh stone, genuine lapis-lazuli, 'footprint-of-Isis' plant). Myrrh and frankincense were burned as was the Anubis-plant. Turpentine and styrax (storax), a fragrant gum, were added to the incense [9] .

In execration rituals figurines were made of wax which could then easily be destroyed by force or by fire

Magic figurine Ancient Egypt Magazine, Issue Nine - November/December 2001 [10]

This spell is to be recited over (an image of) Apophis drawn on a new sheet of papyrus in green ink, and (over a figure of) Apophis in red wax. See, his name is inscribed on it in green ink ... I have overthrown all the enemies of Pharaoh from all their seats in every place where they are. See, their names written on their breasts, having been made of wax, and also bound with bonds of black rope. Spit upon them! To be trampled with the left foot, to be fallen with the spear (and) knife; to be placed on the fire in the melting-furnace of the copper-smiths ... It is a burning in a fire of bryony. Its ashes are placed in a pot of urine, which is pressed firmly into a unique fire. Nine Measuresof Magic; Part3: 'Overthrowing Apophis': Egyptian ritual in practice Ancient Egypt Magazine Issue Nine- November/December 2001 [10]

Things were often chosen for their colour. Black, mentioned twenty times in the Demotic Magical Papyrus, and white, twelve instances, dominated: milk from a black cow, blood of a black dog, a new white lamp etc. Great importance was attached to the names of the invoked gods or spirits, names which were hidden from the uninitiated. The very knowledge of their true names as opposed to those more widely known (Sarpot Mui-Sro is my name, Light-scarab-noble (?) is my true name) [9] , gave one considerable power over them. These appellations had to be pronounced properly, in the right sequence and in their entirety:

'........ Io, Tabao, Soukhamamon, Akhakhanbou, Sanauani, Ethie, Komto, Kethos, Basaethori, Thmila, Akhkhou, give me answer as to everything about which I ask here to-day.' Seven times. TheDemotic Magical Papyrus of London and Leiden

This invocation was to be repeated seven times. Often a simple two-fold repetition seemed to suffice, but three-, four- and even nine-fold reiterations were also frequent. In Ani's Book of the Dead, the deceased reaffirms his innocence four times:

I am pure. I am pure. I am pure. I am pure. BudgeThe Book ofthe Dead,Chapter 125 [8]

These magical numbers were also important in other contexts. A certain love spell required nine apple-pips together with your urine, another a Kesh...-fish of nine digits and black. For a vessel divination three new bricks were needed; and one was supposed to pour an unsavory concoction of semen, blood and other ingredients into a cup of wine and add three uteh to it of the first-fruits of the vintage. Other numbers like five, six or eight were rarely used [9] .

When the life of a patient was in danger because of a snake bite, a sekhmet priest might threaten to cause the solar barque to run aground on a sandbank, describing the dire consequences that would ensue to the very fabric of the world:

The sun barque is at rest and does not proceed, The sun is still in the same spot as yesterday. The nourishment is without ship, the temple is barred, There the disease will turn back the disturbance To yesterday's location. The daemon of darkness is about, the times are not separated. The shadow's shapes cannot be observed anymore. The springs are blocked, the plants wither, Life is taken from the living Until Horus recovers for his mother Isis, And until the patient's health is restored as well. After Jan Assmann Ägypten - Theologie und Frömmigkeit einer frühen Hochkultur, p.85

The need of the deceased for magic was perhaps even greater than that of the living. After dying they were completely helpless until their faculties had been restored by the ritual of the Opening of the Mouth and they had been equipped with the knowledge needed to address gods and daemons by their hidden, true names and the spells necessary to ward off the dangers they would encounter.

Homage to thee, O great God, Lord of Maati! I have come unto thee, O my Lord, and I have brought myself hither that I may behold thy beauties. I know thee, I know thy name, I know the names of the Forty-two Gods who live with thee in this Hall of Maati, who live by keeping ward over sinners, and who feed upon their blood on the day when the consciences of men are reckoned up in the presence of the god Un-Nefer. In truth thy name is "Rehti-Merti-Nebti-Maati." ThePapyrus of Ani, translated by E.A.W. Budge

But not all was gloom in the Netherworld. The duties a person had to perform by himself in this world, could be attended to by a stand-in, an ushabti (also called shawabti at times) in the next, if you knew how to make him do it [19] :

Spell for causing a shawabti to work for its owner in the underworld. To be recited over the shawabti, which will be made either of tamarisk or thorn wood. This shall be carved to resemble its owner as he appeared in life, and placed in the tomb. Look upon this man, ye gods, transfigured souls and spirits of the dead, for he has acquired force, seized his moment, taken on royal authority, he's a pharaoh, ruling mankind, controlling them like cattle. They were created to serve him. The gods themselves ordained it. Now, shawabti: If, in the world of the dead, X is ordered to perform the yearly stint of public work all Egyptians owe their pharaoh, be it to move bricks, level off a plot of ground, re-survey land when the Nile-flood recedes or till new-planted fields, you will say; "Here I am!" to any functionary who comes looking for X while he is trying to enjoy his meal of funerary offerings. Take up your hoe, shawabti, your pick, your demarcation pegs, your basket, just as any slave would for his master. O shawabti made for X, if X is called for his obligations to the state you will pipe up: "Here I am!" whether X is summoned to oversee workers in the new-planted fields, tend to irrigation, move sand from East to West or vice versa "Here I am!" you will say and take his place. Coffin Text 472, translated byJacob Rabinowitz [6]

Addressing supernatural powers

Prayers and offerings

In dealing with the gods care was required. They were powerful and, consequently, highly respected: Mut carried the epithet Great in Magic, the vulture-headed Heknet [26] , the Praiser, was Mistress of Spirits, [27] the hippo goddess Taweret was called Great of Sorcery and Sekhmet was the Powerful One. Their nature was often dual: Taweret was a protectress against Typhonic powers, carrying an ankh or a burning torch, but she had the form of an extremely dangerous animal [13] ; Sekhmet, a ferocious lion goddess, brought death and destruction when she accompanied the pharaoh on his campaigns of war, but was the main support of the healers in their fight against disease. It was best to treat them with reverence. Many people today may see practices such as prayers and offerings to gods as distinct from magic, it was not to the Egyptians. Both the living and the dead went to great lengths to receive the blessing of the gods. Hymns of praise were composed and recited, written down on papyrus and put in the tombs. Offerings of food, real or carved on walls, were supposed to satiate the god's hunger and thirst. Just as the statue of the god Amen for instance was the god himself, a magician, by identifying himself with a god, was transformed into him

'I will say: "Come to me Montu, lord of the day! Come, that you may put N born of N into my hand like an insect in the mouth of a bird". I am Montu whom the gods adore. I will sever your bones and eat your flesh.' Ostracon found at Deir el Medine 19th dynasty Ancient EgyptMagazine: Nine measures of magic [11]

Invoking and dismissing

Lesser magical beings like demons, spirits or the deceased did not quite warrant the same amount of respect. But they were the main agents of magic and could be invoked by simple means:

Prescription to make them speak: you put a frog's head on the brazier, then they speak.

or

Prescription for bringing the gods in by force: you put the bile of a crocodile with pounded frankincense on the brazier. If you wish to make them come in quickly again, you put stalks (?) of anise (?) on the brazier together with the egg-shell as above, then the charm works at once. TheDemotic Magical Papyrus of London and Leiden

If they did not obey they (even lamps) could be threatened:

I will not give thee oil, I will not give thee fat. O lamp; verily I will give thee the body of the female cow and put blood of the male bull into (?) thee and put thy band to the testicles (?) of the enemy of Horus. TheDemotic Magical Papyrus of London and Leiden

Once one had received their services it was best to send them away as they could be unpredictable

His dismissal formula: 'Farewell (bis) Anubis, the good ox-herd, Anubis (bis), the son of a (?) jackal (and ?) a dog . . . another volume saith: the child of . . . Isis (?) (and ) a dog, Nabrishoth, the Cherub (?) of Amenti, king of those of.....' Say seven times.

or

The charm which you pronounce when you dismiss them to their place: 'Good dispatch, joyful dispatch!' TheDemotic Magical Papyrus of London and Leiden

Picture sources: [ ] Coptic spell papyrus: Duke Papyrus Archive [ ] Ay dressed as High Priest: Casson Ancient Egypt [ ] Birth brick: University of Pennsylvania Museum website [2] [ ] Magical stela: Metropolitan Museum, 360-343 B.C.E.; Dynasty 30, reign of Nectanebo II; Greywacke; H. 32 7/8 in. (83.5 cm), Fletcher Fund, 1950 [7] [ ] Talisman facilitating the process of childbirth: © Georges Poncet / Musée du Louvre [16] [ ] Magic figurine: Ancient Egypt Magazine, Issue Nine - November/December 2001 [10] [ ] Late Period faience udjat: University College, London [ ] Love charm: Étienne Drioton, Un charme d'amour égyptien d'époque gréco-romaine, BIFAO 41 (1942), p.75

Footnotes: [1] Theologians belonging to the three monotheistic religions tend to deny this, drawing a clear line between their 'pure' doctrines devoid of superstition and paganism. But there is no real difference in attitude between Christians, Jews and Muslims and followers of other traditions. They all use rituals which only to a believer are not classified as magical. Thus, Jews kiss the mezuzah, a small case attached to the doorpost containing religious texts, Christians cross themselves, and Muslims circle around a stone when performing the hadj. People will claim that it is the thought behind the ritual which counts - which of course is exactly what magic is all about. [14] apotropaic: averting evil, from Greek apotrepein, turn away [17] The magic itself was the essence, not the magician. In the Pyramid Texts king Pepi threatened the gods with the withholding of all offerings if they did not assist him in rising to the heavens

It is not this king Pepi who says this against you, it is the charm which says this against you, ye gods. J.H. Breasted Development of Religion and Thought in Ancient Egypt, p. 111

[19] If the eagerness of the ushabtis to do their duty was indicative of the work ethics of Egyptian workers we may begin to sympathize with their employers: the tombs ended up by being filled with statuettes, as each was expected to be active for just one day in the year, and there were overseer ushabtis carrying flails. [20] At least in tales hard study could be avoided, possibly at the price of upsetting one's stomach: Prince Naneferptah

... called for a new piece of papyrus, and wrote on it all that was in the book before him. He dipped it in beer, and washed it off in the liquid; for he knew that if it were washed off, and he drank it, he would know all that there was in the writing. Princess Ahura: The Magic Book

[21] In his 1914 monograph on amulets Petrie distinguished five classes of amulets [22] : 1. Similars, or Homopoeic, which are for influencing similar parts, or functions, or occurrences, for the wearer 2. Powers or Dynatic, for conferring powers and capacities, especially upon the dead; 3. Property or Ktematic, which are entirely derived from the funeral offerings, and are thus peculiar to Egypt; 4. Protection or Phylactic, such as charms and curative amulets; 5. Gods or Theophoric, connected with the worship of the gods and their functions [23] The little statuette on the right is about 8 centimetres tall, dates to the Graeco-Roman period, and bears an inscription invoking the powers the deceased depicted by the statuette was thought to have:

Rise and bind him whom I look at, to be my lover, (for) I adore his face. After EtienneDrioton, Un charmed'amour égyptien d'époque gréco-romaine,BIFAO 41 (1942), p.79

It appears that the constraint of being magically bound to do someone's will could be broken by an encounter with a magician or hearing some auspicious noise like the braying of an ass or the bark of a dog. [24]Thesaurus Linguae Aegyptiae website => Altägyptisches Wörterbuch, Berlin-Brandenburgische Akademie der Wissenschaften => Grabinschriften => Gisa => Grabkomplex des Kaiemankh (G 4561) => Grabkomplex des Rawer (PM III 265-269) => Relief- und Stelenfragmente => Biographische Inschriftenstele [25] Meskell, op.cit., p.65 [26] W. Max Muller, Egyptian Mythology, Kessinger Publishing, 2004, p.133 [27] Francis Llewellyn Griffith, Herbert Thompson. The Leyden papyrus: an Egyptian magical book, Courier Dover Publications, 1974, p.159 [29] The stories in Exodus should not be considered to be historical facts. They reflect the Hebrew traditions which appear to be based on intimated knowledge of the ancient Egyptian society.

Bibliography: Jan Assmann Ägypten - Theologie und Frömmigkeit einer frühen Hochkultur Jan Assmann, Schöpfungsmythen und Kreativitätskonzepte im alten Ägypten James Henry Breasted Ancient Records of Egypt, Chicago 1906 James Henry Breasted, Development of Religion and Thought in Ancient Egypt E.A.W. Budge, The Book of the Dead E.A.W. Budge, Egyptian Magic Étienne Drioton, "Un charme d'amour égyptien d'époque gréco-romaine," BIFAO 41 (1942), p.79 Adolf Erman, A Handbook of Egyptian Religion A.Gardiner, Theban Ostraca F.Ll. Griffith, The Demotic Magical Papyrus of London and Leiden F.Ll. Griffith, Stories of the High Priests of Memphis; The Sethon of Herodotus and The Demotic Tales of Khamuas Miriam Lichtheim, Ancient Egyptian Literature Lynn Meskell, Private Life in New Kingdom Egypt, Princeton University Press, 2002, ISBN 069100448X, 9780691004488 Geraldine Pinch, Magic in Ancient Egypt Jacob Rabinowitz, Isle of Fire Kurt Sethe, Von Zahlen und Zahlworten bei den alten Ägyptern, 1916 Aloisia de Trafford, The Pyramid Texts: some thoughts on their medium and message Richard H. Wilkinson, The Complete Gods and Goddesses of Ancient Egypt The British and Foreign Bible Society The Holy Bible Ancient Egypt Magazine Nine Measures of Magic; Part 3: 'Overthrowing Apophis': Egyptian ritual in practice , Issue Nine - November/December 2001 Urkunden des ägyptischen Altertums, sechste Abteilung, Heft 1, 1929

[9] The Demotic Magical Papyrus of London and Leiden

[18] Charm for the protection of a child

[28] Ta-bitjet: Charm against scorpions

Incantations against reptiles and noxious creatures in general

Index of topics

Main index and search page

Offsite links (Opening in a new window) Theseare justsuggestions forfurther reading. I do not assume any responsibilityfor the contentofthesesites

Magic in Greco-Roman Egypt by I.M.P. Kousoulis

[2] Birth brick, page 35

[3] Prince Khamwas and Si-Osire

[4] E. A. Wallis Budge Egyptian Magic, Chapter III

[5] Pyramid Texts Utterances 273-274: "The Cannibal Hymn"

[6] Book of the Dead: Coffin Texts number 472

[7] The Metropolitan Museum

[8] The Coming into Day, Chapter 125

[12] Hermes Trismegistus - The Archaic Underground Tradition

Nine Measures of Magic, part 1

[11] Nine Measures of Magic, part 2

[10] Nine Measures of Magic, part 3

[13] Taweret, Goddess-Demoness of Birth, Rebirth and the Northern Sky

[15] Magic ivory wand

[16] Gemme magique grecque (Louvre Museum)

[22] Amulets of Ancient Egypt (Introduction to the book by Carol Andrews)

Heka at the Louvre

Witchcraft at the Louvre

Udjat: The sacred eye

Tales of Magic in Ancient Egypt

Dreaming like an Egyptian By Robert Moss

Tales of Ancient Egypt: Princess Ahura: The Magic Book, c. 1100 BCE

Witchcraft at the Louvre: Heka, Magic and Bewitchment in Ancient Egypt

Egyptian Magic by E. A. Wallis Budge

Medical Magic

Khaemwaset

Wax amulets

Papyrus amulet

Khaemwaset

Magical bowl, 3rd-4th century CE

Vorläufige Bibliographie Magie

Repelling Demons - Protecting Newborns

Isis and the Name of Ra

Amulets of Ancient Egypt: Introduction by Carol Andrews

Feedback: please report broken links, mistakes - factual or otherwise,etc. to me. thanks.

© May2003 Minor updates: August 2008 December 2006 June 2004 June 2003

Alternative and mistaken spellings: ushabti ushabty shabti shabty heqa magick

[idolizerp]

LOADING INFORMATION ON MAYDAY’S LEAD VOCAL BANG SEUNGAH...

IDOL DETAILS

STAGENAME: N/A CURRENT AGE: 19 DEBUT AGE: 18 TRAINEE SINCE AGE: 14 COMPANY: MSG SECONDARY SKILL: N/A

IDOL PROFILE

NICKNAME(S): peachy, because she reminds people of a peach and because peach (복숭아) sounds like her name. INSPIRATION: she always cites diamant, royal-t and other girl groups as her inspiration to become an idol. SPECIAL TALENTS:

correctly guessing which panel, page, volume, and series a junji ito illustration belongs to

falling asleep anywhere

can play twinkle twinkle little star on the recorder with her nose

NOTABLE FACTS:

throughout elementary and middle school, seungah was always picked/voted as the class president

huge fan of junji ito

has a great fear of roller coasters

has been collecting 10 won since she was 10 and plans to count how many she has collected when she turns twenty

played the harp since she was little — whether she can still play it or not is a secret

IDOL GOALS

SHORT-TERM GOALS:

currently, what seungah wants more than ever is for mayday to pick up and get going. she wants the general public to at least know the group’s name or their debut song, so the group as a whole can successfully launch their careers. and after that, seungah hopes to feature in a viral song or a popular drama, anything to get her name out.

LONG-TERM GOALS:

after mayday has found closure, she wants to be known as bang seungah — not seungah of mayday not the peachy cutie seungah but just seungah, the famous actress or entertainer. all she wants in the world is fame and the spotlight all for herself.

IDOL IMAGE

seungah is agreeable as they come: do this or do that, and she’ll comply without much fuss, because she has goals and she can’t reach those goals if she bites the hands of those who feed her. some might call her respectful, and some might call her attention-seeking but at least she’s getting her name out in one way or another, and she thrives on the people who have nothing but love to give or hate to spew.

she’s cute — in the right way: not too in your face and not too subdued to the point where those would assume she is a coy snake. the perfect balance, and she’s discovered it. it’s a blessing. she’s not what a stereotypical girl is supposed to be. she is not an innocent, demure lamb, because she represents the young girl in the modern day — a girl who is wild but pure, a controlled hurricane who brings joyful tears than chaotic cries.

in all aspects, she’s just a girl who runs in the field, running around with peach colored secrets on her cheeks and a bright giggle lining her small lips — all natural, nothing calculated. her bright energy, her youthful clumsiness, her approachable femininity — she’s the ideal girl-next-door: relatable.

and due to this image (and partially influenced by the accidental aegyo that got her name known to a wider audience) msg has their eyes set on making her the future “little sister of the nation,” dolling her up in soft pastel, yet relatable apparel and plastering her with dewy pink lip glosses.

seungah is far from that stage costume. in reality, she prefers sharp eyeliner and a bold, red lip but she’s gotten used to being a little pawn if she can become the queen she’s always wanted to be in the future.

IDOL HISTORY

she’s taught from a young age that the world is a competition; that if she doesn’t weed out the weaklings before they realize they can never make it out on top, she’s selfish — that’s a mighty fine thing to tell a fifth grader, she remembers her father comments, sarcastically, under his breath. but it sticks to her — not just because seungah was impressionable back then, but because her mother was right. (she always is. that’s why she earns way more money than daddy and has nicer things than him.)

sadly, her mother doesn’t deem her as smart as her brother or sister. well, she is smart — just not book smart.

(instead of memorizing the pythagorean theorem, she’s memorizing and imitating what sounds a corpse makes as it decomposes.)

so her mother drags her to a busy city, into the breeding ground of potential idols, hoping seungah would capture the attentions of a talent scout. the first day is unsuccessful but seungah’s mother or her mother’s grandmother did not raise a quitter, so they repeat this sequence — a mother rushing out of her meeting and a daughter eager to trade a safe but stagnant life for that dangerous spotlight. from head to toe, she’s dressed like she has the potential to be worth a billion won with pink frills and laces that adorns her tulip-patterned dress and pearls her mother bought her a few minutes ago at the shinsegae department store a few blocks down.

over the years, both seungah and her mother become busy with their own lives and they’re passion to get her name out burns out and turn to ashes. perhaps the disappearance of their desperation is what gets her noticed by a scout who thinks she has a chance to become a celebrity.

her singing is mediocre, and her dancing is worse but they see her try her best and notice a potential in her and that somehow melts their frozen, sharp eyes.

criticism is nothing to her; she’s gotten enough of them from her own mother — you’re not smiling enough. you’re not good enough. why aren’t you getting better? — those stick inside of her — not in a negative way but in a way that will make her better because her mother also teaches her that criticism is just encouragement to make one improve, no matter how harsh they are. she doesn’t count how many evaluations she’s gotten — but the numbers dwindle dangerously quickly yet painstakingly slowly. she’s gotten away with her stagnant progress by being cute but it’s harder for her to hide with so few girls. she piles up her evaluations and analyzes them to improve — her mother probably wishes she could put this much effort into school.

she sticks around the girls she knows will make the final cut — the ones who cry but improve, the ones who grip on the edge of their dreams even if their nails break. and to the rest who smell like weaklings, seungah only gives them a shallow smile. “maybe next time,” she’ll say with fake, crocodile tears and a voice that would send shivers down their dead-end dreams.

she debuts.

good.

it was about damn time.

her debut isn’t as herself but she has to begrudgingly convince herself that beggars can’t be choosers. every. single. morning.

but this day will change her.

a girl cries in front of her, at a fan meet, in public — why?

she doesn’t know what to do and, and for a split second, she stares at the girl, eyes blank and devoid of any compassion until her mother’s roar clicks her back in place — “behave,” she hears. she’s heard this enough time to know what and how to act.

seungah eats up her tears and shows the crying fan a heart — to be specific, three of them: two over her eyes and one perched under the fan’s chin.

she doesn’t know why or how that was considered cute, but the fans, the company and her mother seemed to love it. though if you asked seungah, she’ll say doesn’t care for it. but it’s the image that works wonders, an image made just for her when there is nothing special or innovative about it.

but if it’s to get her ahead, seungah will gladly swallow her pride and act like a fool.

[rachelisnotatwork]

Week 5: the one in which we meet all of Australia’s creepiest creatures (and some cute ones)

The site we’d been smoked out of is just one of two sites in Kakadu that are famous for rock paintings. We decided to head out to the next one the next day. It was extremely muggy when we got up in the morning with thick cloud and constant rumbling thunder. Apparently these dry thunderstorms are incredibly common at this time of year; they promise rain that never comes and start bush fires. We came across one of these burning by the side of the road just as we came out of town. It was pretty small (hence we drove past it) but even passing it at 100kmph you got an incredible wave of heat off it.

We decided to drop into the visitors centre to learn something more about the area/enjoy some air-con before seeing the rock paintings. It was alas not air-conned. We thus poured sweat and steamed away in the 40c heat whilst learning about frogs etc.

By the time we arrived at the first site there was a bit of a breeze. This was pleasant. The rock art was pleasant. We walked to the second site. Just as we stepped under the rock awnings to the sheltered spot where ancient people had sheltered from thunderstorms and doodled on the walls, teeming rain began. And continued. Apparently the weather hadn’t got the memo it was still supposed to be the dry season. We assumed it would last a couple of minutes. It did not. 20 minutes later, us and a very wet tour group were still in there.

Eventually we made a dash for the car. We were booked into a sunset river cruise about 60km away so our hope was we’d drive out of the weather. Which we did. By the time we arrived at the yellow water cruise site, the weather was cloudy but there was no rain. This lasted about ten minutes after we set off, after which the heavens opened with thunder and lightening. And the rain was cold. And furious. We were in a little aluminium boat (having just received a safety briefing involving having no limbs over the side at all unless we wanted crocodiles to pull us under) with open sides. Our tour operator, who was driving the boat, said he was just going to “stick near the trees to protect us from lightening”. This was a strategy I was not sure was based in science at all. Also if we weren’t struck my lightening, having a boat capsized because a tree has been struck and fallen onto the boat, is what I would describe as suboptimal in a river packed full of saltwater crocodiles.

And we did see a LOT of those. Hanging out, fighting, trying to catch fish from our bow waves. It was pretty horrifying. Bit like being in Jurassic Park- since as nature’s perfect killing machines, they haven’t needed to evolve since then. We did also see water buffalo, cows and brumbies, but some huge bird thing, and eventually the rain stopped. Plus we didn’t get struck by lightening and no one got dragged overboard by a crocodile, so that’s a win.

The next day was thankfully more sunny. We were heading back to Katherine, because we’d not yet had a chance to visit Katherine Gorge, which is the big “must see” of the area. However on the way there was another beautiful swimming spot to visit- Edith Falls. Marcel suggested we could either read and swim or swim and go for a hike. Since it was, as usual for sunny days, about 38c and I could see the hike and it was full of climbing giant rocky hills, I told him he could go for a hike and I’d stick around and swim and read. He considered the hike but the swimming hole really was delightful and in the end he stuck with me.

The pool had a warning sign saying the waterfall at the back of it was 150m away and to swim within your ability. Apparently everyone who visited Edith Springs (all 7-8 of them) had a very low impression of their abilities (perhaps having had a similar riptide experience to me) so they all stuck within about 3m of the steps down into the lake. We swum over to the waterfall and had the whole place to ourselves, all afternoon, which was rather delightful. We alternated between swimming and reading and enjoying a ridiculously beautiful spot that was nearly empty.

We awoke the next morning to the sounds of a thunderstorm. Which again shouldn’t have been happening and was also a little dispiriting as our afternoon plan was 4 hours of kayaking. An activity that is distinctly less enjoyable in teeming rain. However we decided to see how things played out. Our first planned activity of the day was a trip to Cutta-Cutta Caves, which is a series of caves near Katherine that Marcel mostly wanted to visit as they apparently have a lot of snakes. This he did not tell me when he booked us onto it. I was somewhat unkeen to enter the caves most caves flood in the rain and I didn’t want a repeat of the Thai football team, only in a cave jam-packed with snakes. However by the time we’d arrived the rain had stopped and our guide promised us that the only snakes in the caves most days were tree snakes and “they are only mildly venomous so if you get bitten you just have to chill out for a couple of hours with a beer”. Probably this just meant your leg would fall off. Mild by Australian venom standards.  

We were the only people on the cave tour. It was thankfully very dry, unfortunately not cold (not deep enough) and we did see some tree snakes. One of them was doing a great impression of a stalactite. They apparently hang out on the walls and eat bats as they fly in and out the cave.

After that we set off for the gorges. By this time, the sun was out and it was boiling hot again. This was in some respects great (good for kayaking) but in other respects suboptimal, as you aren’t supposed to “pollute” the freshwater with suncream. So I had decided to put on my burkini. Which is fine but to get to the gorges where you can kayak, you have to take a boat trip through the first gorge because it could potentially have crocodiles. So we had to walk 500m down to the dock and then sit on a boat for 15 minutes. Swaddled in neck-to-foot black swimwear, I was concerned I was going to die of heat stroke before reaching the kayak.

We grabbed our double kayak (he tried to give us two solo ones but screw paddling for myself) and paddled to the nearest marked beach for a swim (some of the gorge beaches are designated for the freshwater crocodiles to lay their eggs). Swimming having just cooked in my suit for that long felt amazing. We had an amazing afternoon of paddling, swimming, paddling, picnicking and swimming. There was only one other pair out in kayaks and we only saw them once all afternoon so it felt like we were pretty much the only people in the gorge system. It was amazing.

This was at least gave us some nice memories to revel in during the next day. In which we drove for hours and hours and hours to get to Tenant Creek, a town that is generally described as a shithole. It wasn’t particularly obviously awful, but the only recommended activity in town was to visit the local lake “recreational park”. Being big on swimming and finally being out of crocodile territory we grabbed our swimsuits and headed out there. To find at this time of year it is a muddy waterhole, surrounded by an all-male collection of peacocks, guinea fowl, geese and about a million ants that immediately tried to eat our feet. We did not stay for long.

The next day we drove on down to Alice Springs, via the Devil’s Marbles (a bunch of large, roundish rocks) which we found underwhelming (although full of interesting frog facts).

We set off quite early because we’d booked onto a kangaroo tour that only runs in the evenings on the week days and so we had to make the Friday night trip out to the sanctuary. The sanctuary there is run by a guy who has spent years saving orphaned baby kangaroos (second to their general idiocy as adults when it comes to cars). He had a BBC TV programme made about him because clearly nothing ticks the British boxes like slightly handsome man and adorable baby animals. 

The tour was fantastic though, because he always has a bunch of orphaned kangaroos on the go, so you spend the tour holding baby kangaroos and feeding them whilst he shows you the sanctuary. It was amazing and about level 10 Australian on the scale of experiences.

Just as soon as we’d left it started teeming with rain and a thunderstorm began. We dashed back to our airbnb to discover the rain had brought out….a fucking giant spider. Like the size of your nightmares. I immediately requested Marcel killed it. He refused as thought it might be dangerous...so thought it would be safer to catch and release. I suggested it was his funeral but I would stand on the other side of the room and watch. One terrifying spider released.

We sat down at the table and tried to relax. Google suggested it was a harmless Huntsman spider. We decided whatever it was we were glad it was gone, only to notice sitting on the picture frame right by the table was ANOTHER FUCKING MASSIVE ONE. Catch and release repeated again. Then I made Marcel pretty much crawl around the airbnb with a torch before I would sit down on any surface.

The next day we decided we’d have a lazy day in town. It was a cool 29c, which felt amazing. We wandered into the free aviation museum to see the wreck of the Kookaburra- a plane that was scrambled to rescue the plane that crashed on the mudflats of Wyndham (the ones I talked about a few years ago where they drank coffee and rum cocktails until they were rescued) and crashed killing the rescuers. I was mostly just curious to see how tiny a 1920s plane was. So tiny. So fragile.

After that we went to the Desert Animal Park, which was basically a zoo of local creatures. Given I’ve never seen a Quoll, dingo, weird thorny devil lizard thing, it was pretty exciting. Also they had a bird show featuring a magpie that called out on command etc. A pleasantly relaxing afternoon was had by all.

When we got back home though, relaxation time was over fairly immediately as we came back to find one of the giant spiders wanted back in and was hanging out on the screen door.

Marcel chased it under the house with a broom and we spent the evening with our legs drawn up on the sofa, watching movies and feeling very twitchy glaring at the shadows.

On Sunday, we decided to head out of town for a swim. We went out to a place called Ellery Creek Big Hole. For the last few weeks all of our swims had been in gloriously warm waters. However around Alice Springs it gets cold at night, and the water in the Big Hole was deep and very very cold. It was hot enough that it made swimming pleasant, but the cold was quite shocking. We spent the afternoon alternating between swimming and warming up on the sand around the pool.

And so concluded week 5. Warm swims left behind us, but still plenty of adventures ahead!

Ways I’ve thought I might die in Australia this week: caught in a wildfire, drowned in a flash flood when rain came in epic proportions, struck by lightening, eaten by a crocodile after the boat was sunk by a tree that had been hit by lightening, overly keen crocodile grabbing one of my limbs that was too close to the side of the boat and dragging me under, drowned in a flash-flooded cave, killed by a not particularly venomous tree snake because I’m weak, of heat stroke in my burkini, death by spider bite, death by heart attack having imagined a giant spider just crawled over my foot, cold immersion syndrome from swimming in cold water after getting used to bathing in essentially bathwater temperatures

[junker-town]

Tom Brady made a website for his TB Times cartoons, and they’re *maybe* starting to make sense?

The plot thickens.

The dots might not be actually connecting, but they are starting to appear in a pattern that might someday yield a picture.

Yes, folks, that’s right: Tom Brady released another edition of the TB Times yesterday. We missed a week when New England lost to the Dolphins, but on Sunday, the Patriots beat the Steelers thanks to an overruled touchdown and the fact that no one in the National Football League has any idea what a catch is.

A post shared by Tom Brady (@tombrady) on Dec 17, 2017 at 4:24pm PST

I’m still pretty confused, but we are starting to see some common themes and characters within these comics that might eventually make some narrative sense. In the meantime, Brady, his Social Media Guy (S.M.G.), and the artist who draws these cartoons (D.K.), unveiled the website tbtimes.org, because these people seem determined to ruin my life. I’ll have more on that at the end of this post, but let’s analyze this week’s images (yes, there are two!) first.

We have to start with the missed one from the Dolphin’s loss last week:

For the first time ever, Brady, S.M.G. and D.K. released the comic that would’ve run last week had Jay Cutler and the Dolphins not smoked the Patriots in Miami. It once again features fidget spinners, and was slightly different from the one I drew last week at 1 a.m. as an embarrassed Patriots fan.

What do we know from this picture? A few things.

Brady and Croc have tracked down the Dolphins’ fidget spinner ring.

It turns out that Croc’s dreadlocks from the original Dolphins comic were a disguise. I am not sure what the disguise is supposed to be. But he can be seen here removing it after he and Brady wrestle the South Beach Spinners briefcase away from the Dolphin.

They then run to a secret lair, which still seems to be underwater, and open the briefcase.

I laughed at the time, but NESN Patriots reporter Doug Kyed was right when he sent me this text last week, the ramps of the Dolphins stadium really do look like fidget spinners.

Now let’s look at this week’s comic:

This is a riff on the movie Zoolander. Ben Stiller, AKA Ben Steeler, is doing his signature modeling move “blue steel,” which sort of makes sense in a word association-type way, given that Ben Roethlisberger is the quarterback of the Steelers. Brady says, “Steeler...so hot right now...” which is from this scene:

The turtle is back from the first Dolphins comic, but the grouper with pink hair isn’t. So is the Narwhal, who first rescued Brady in the comic that ran after the game against the Bucs, when he killed pirate skeletons with lasers.

Speaking of lasers, the plans inside the Dolphins’ briefcase appear to be for some sort of giant, inter-galactic laser.

Oh my god, do you think that because I’ve been imagining that the social media room underneath a TB12 workout facility looks like a lair, they drew a lair?

Sorry, I know this isn’t about me.

Is that guy wearing a lab coat by the picture of Ben Steeler Gronk?

Yes, because in the comic after the Houston win, Gronk showed up wearing that same lab coat. He’s also wearing glasses and says, “the computer data is telling me...”

Get it? It’s funny because Gronk is not generally seen as a rocket scientist. They were in space then. Now they’re underwater. Or possibly underground.

Bill Hader is back from the Bills comic. So is Billy Crystal, who appears on the front page of the TB Times that Hader is reading.

Hader is still wearing the outfit that I couldn’t place based on researching his IMDB catalogue.

The finger game (where you’re allowed to punch your friends if you get them to look at your hand as you do the A-OK symbol) appears again. It first showed up in the comic that ran after the Bills game. This time, you can see Billy Crystal’s hand doing that sign on the back of the TB Times.

QUESTIONS, THOUGHTS, A DESCENT INTO MADNESS

I’m still having trouble figuring out how the Jets, Broncos, Chargers, Saints, and Atlanta comics play into all this.

Who is Croc?

What is Croc?

Why is Croc?

Why is the TB Times team taking all these dude actors from bro movies when I was in high school and putting them into comics? We’ve got Chuck Norris in here, too. These read like Millennial fan fic from 2007.

When I lived in Boston in 2014, I noticed all the guys in their early 20s had lines from Wedding Crashers, Zoolander, Old School, etc. in their Tinder profiles. I wrote an article about it. Maybe that’s relevant here. Maybe it isn’t.

Why are we sometimes in space and sometimes underwater?

And why, in the underwater lair, is there a football with planetary rings around it?

Interesting theory from Twitter, c/o Robbie Vogel: “The alligator steals the top secret docs from the Dolphins and we find out they’re in possession of Steelers-themed military schematics - are we to assume this means the Dolphins know how to beat the steelers? Cuz it kinda makes sense, the last two times the Steelers and fins played (last year and 2013) the fish won.”

Will the show from the Bills comic, Bill’s Got Talent, come back?

Is the key that Croc was holding the key to winning the Super Bowl?

Are answers to this whole thing contingent on the Pats winning the Super Bowl?

If it is, and the Patriots don’t, and we never get answers, will I die?

TBTIMES.ORG

The plot thickens. Usually these comics just get posted to Instagram and Facebook, but on Sunday, Tom Brady, S.M.G., and D.K. unveiled an entire website devoted to it. It’s TBTimes.org, so I guess it’s a non-profit? There’s not much here yet, but let’s dive in anyway.

When you go to the site, ominous music plays. Then all the characters from previous comics appear. We’ve got Brady as a centaur from the Broncos comic. We also have the Jets’ hot tub salesman, the Falcons’ falcon, the Panthers’ cat, the Rams’ ram, the turtle, Gronk with his lab coat on after the Buffalo game...

WAIT. OH MY GOD. I’M FREAKING OUT BECAUSE GRONK WAS IN A LAB COAT LAST YEAR. Not only does he appear in the Houston comic, and now the Steelers comic, wearing his coat, he was wearing it in the comic that ran after the Patriots beat the Bills in 2016!!!!

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Posted by Tom Brady on Sunday, October 30, 2016

The TB Times might be more calculated than I realized. When I started analyzing these a few weeks ago, I hypothesized that S.M.G., D.K., and Tom Brady had no idea what they were doing. I thought there was a good chance this started as a way to mess with indoctrinated Patriots fans who never question anything Tom Brady, prince and savior, does. I wondered if they’ve found themselves in slightly too deep, now that so many people (myself included) are so invested.

But maybe this has actually been planned out for two years.

Anyway, the rest of the gang is on tbtimes.org, too, but there’s a new guy — Peter Pan (or a leprechaun? I can’t tell) ripping his shirt open. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think we’ve seen him yet. He hasn’t been in any comics last year or this year. The closest thing we’ve got to Peter Pan is Brady walking the plank when the narwhal saves him.

When you click on the button in the upper left-hand corner that looks like the logo on a Lacoste polo, the Croc changes (if it turns out that this is all just a way of announcing a that Lacoste is Brady’s new sponsor, I will riot in the streets of Foxboro).

First, Croc changes into his fidget spinner disguise:

Then he becomes a slow cooker, briefly, (hah, get it? Croc Pot? *walks slowly into the ocean*):

Then he lets out a mighty roar:

If you click on the Panther (which someone on Twitter called “a fat cat” in a message to me, and which I can’t stop laughing about), this pops up:

It’s the version of the TB Times that would’ve come out on October 1, had the Patriots not lost to the Panthers. It’s actually fairly disgusting, and also might be my favorite edition yet.

In this comic, the Panther eats Tom Brady. Brady not only has a huge cell phone with him as he sits in the cat’s stomach, but also gets reception in there, so he’s able to call previous Patriots player Vince Wilfork. Vince is wearing the RIBS hat he wears in the commercial he did for Kingston Charcoal commercial (fun fact: I love Vince and that hat so much that I bought one from the Kingston website, I’m wearing it as I write this).

Vince then feeds the panther so many ribs that the Panther forms a hairball in his stomach and throws up Tom Brady so hard that he shoots him into space.

FINALLY! AN ANSWER FOR WHY WE WERE IN SPACE WHEN THEY PLAYED HOUSTON! IT’S ALL STARTING TO COME TOGETHER!!!!!

Wait, except that it isn’t. The Patriots beat the Texans a week before they played the Panthers. The week after this would’ve come out, the Patriots played the Bucs, but that cartoon doesn’t take place in space.

I’m about three paragraphs away from lighting my computer on fire and drop-kicking it out of my window.

But first, check out this cryptic message in the HTML code of the website (yeah, I went there, and yeah, I’m fine, thanks for asking, the walls of my apartment are not covered with string and pictures of various species of crocodiles, why do you ask?):

They spell Croc “Krock” in that line of code I’ve highlighted. Maybe Croc is Robert Kraft. Krock. Hmmm...

When you click the console button under the Inspect Element tab, you see this:

It reads:

Hey! Tom Brady here.

Boy, I sure do love playing football. But there’s nothing quite like writing a healthy block of JavaScript.

Anyway, nice to see someone found this site and decided to inspect element.

You won’t find any more secrets here, though...yet.

Go Pats!

Well, damn. This feels like the closest thing to a personalized message I’m going to get. I wonder if they knew I’d inspect element. I doubt Brady wrote this, but it really does read like the gosh-darn-y way he talks.

You better believe that I’ll be checking this religiously as we head into the playoffs.

The fact that S.M.G., D.K., and Tom Brady are releasing previously unseen versions of the comics (from last week’s Dolphins game, and now this) makes me think several things:

Maybe these guys DO know what they’re doing and they need all of the panels in order for the story to come together at the end of the year. So far, characters and narratives just keep reappearing haphazardly, but I have learned to never doubt Tom Brady when he’s trying to execute a plan. It usually works out.

Maybe they were so cocky going into this season that they didn’t think they’d lose a single game and would therefore be able to release these only when they won. Maybe they need this website to ensure all the comics get published.

Alternatively, this could be a very charming version of a midlife crisis. Or perhaps a sign that Tom Brady is starting his own media company once his career playing football is over. If that is true (SB Nation, don’t read this), I would like to know if they’re looking for an editor in chief. Or, hell, even a blogger. I emailed asktombrady@gmail.com to ask about it. I’ve emailed this address before, but I’ve never heard back, so I’m not holding my breath.

On a more serious note, I have to say that I think this is all kind of wonderful. Brady doesn’t have to do any of this, but it’s a fun element to an otherwise pretty garbage NFL season. And not only for Patriots fans — I’ve received a number of emails and tweets saying that people hate New England but love this strange and bizarre story that’s playing out online.

it’s smart, actually, for a QB of a team everyone hates to get a little funky. People might actually want the Patriots to win, if only for this silly reason.

In case you’re worried that the process of figuring out these trippy and frustratingly puzzling pictures is having psychotropic effects on me, don’t be. Here, for proof, is a video I took of myself while I researched the JavaScript of a football player’s fake newspaper’s website and Googled “inter-galactic lasers football”:

Except at the end, instead of turning around and saying, “I need a map,” I just do this:

[phynxrizng]

HEKA...THE MAGICK OF ANCIENT EGYPT

Heka: The magic ofancient Egypt Acquiring magical powers—Thepractitioners of

Heka: The magic of ancient Egypt

magic—Practical purposes—The practiceof magic

…..to me belonged the universe before you gods had come into being. You have come afterwards because I am Heka. Coffin texts, spell 261 [2] First Intermediate Period to Middle Kingdom

All religions have a magical aspect [1] , ancient religions like the Egyptian, according to which all of creation was animated to some extent, perhaps more so than many others. Through magic the creation had come into being and was sustained by it. Thus, magic was more ancient, and consequently more powerful, than the gods themselves

I am one with Atum when he still floated alone in Nun, the waters of chaos, before any of his strength had gone into creating the cosmos. I am Atum at his most inexhaustible - the potence and potential of all that is to be. This is my magic protection and it’s older and greater than all the gods together! Bookof the Dead, New Kingdom

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It was also the extraordinary means for acquiring knowledge about one’s surroundings - above all the hidden parts of them - and gaining

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control over them. Gods, demons and the dead could be implored, cajoled or threatened. Their help could be enlisted to avert evil or

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achieve one’s desires. Magic was accepted by all ancient peoples as a real force. The Hebrew tradition which was strongly opposed to it, did not deny its efficacy, but rather extolled the even greater magical power of its own god:

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8 And the Lord spake unto Moses and unto Aaron saying,

For best results save the

When Pharaoh shall speak unto you, saying, Shew a miracle for you:

9

whole webpage (pictures

then thou shalt say unto Aaron, Take thy rod, and cast it before

included) onto your hard disk,

Pharaoh, and it shall become a serpent.

open the page with Word 97 or

10 And Moses and Aaron went in unto Pharaoh, and they did so as the

higher, edit if necessary and

Lord had commanded: And Aaron cast down his rod before Pharaoh,

print.

and before his servants, and it became a serpent.

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The Pharaoh also called the wise men and the sorcerers: now the

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print function is not

magicians of Egypt, they also did in like manner with their

recommended.

enchantments.

For they cast down every man his rod, and they became serpents;

12

but Aaron’s rod swallowed up their rods. Exodus 7 [29] about 6th or 5th centuryBCE

Egyptian magical thinking continued to influence Europe. Thoth, god of wisdom and learning, was identified with the Greek Hermes Trismegistus. He was thought by the Hermetists to have originated the Hermetica, 42 books of magic [12] .

Isis lactans 26th dynasty

The worship of Isis, of whom the Metternich Stela (4th century BCE) says “I am Isis the goddess, the possessor of magic, who performs magic, effective of speech, excellent of words,” became widespread throughout the Roman empire. She was the original mother of god, Isis lactans feeding her son Horus, which Christianity adopted as the Madonna. Her role as protectress is reflected in the Marian cult.

Acquiring magical powers

While its efficiency in the hands of mortal practitioners was perhaps often less than had been hoped for, magic attracted people because it was practical and made sense. Everything had a reason, often hidden to the ordinary person, but revealed to the knowledgeable.

Magical spell written in Coptic Picture source: Duke Papyrus Archive

Magic explained the relationships between causes and effects using ideas people could relate to. Analogies and symbolisms were widely used, the sympathetic principle of like affecting like was invoked, associations, be they pure coincidence, were imbued with meaning, and historic occurrences became predictors for the future. There were even prescribed ways for explaining why expected results had not materialized.

It appears that, originally, the Egyptians, like some other peoples who practiced ritual cannibalism, thought that spiritual powers resided in the body and could be acquired by ingestion. There is no evidence, though, that such a view was more than speculative and ever acted upon.

The king orders sacrifices, he alone controls them, the king eats humans, feeds on gods, he has them presented on an altar to himself, he has agents to do his will. He fires off the orders! ………… The king eats their magic, he gulps down their souls, the adults he has for breakfast, the young are lunch, the babies he has for supper, the old ones are too tough to eat, he just burns them on the altar as an offering to himself. Pyramid Texts 273-4, Old Kingdom translated byJacob Rabinowitz [5]

Magic was tightly bound up with writing, although there must have been an extensive purely oral tradition which was never recorded and is therefore lost to us. Most practitioners gained magical knowledge by studying ancient scriptures [20] . Chief among them were the lector-priests, the only clerics who were fully professional since the beginning of recorded history. They were the keepers of the sacred books.

The practitioners of magic

Magical knowledge and power emanated from the gods and was bestowed upon their servants, the kings …

Utterance of all the gods, [to] Amon-Re: “This thy daughter [Hatshepsut], who liveth, we are satisfied with her in life and peace. She is now thy daughter of thy form, whom thou hast begotten, prepared. Thou hast given to her thy soul, thy […], thy [bounty], the magic powers of the diadem…… The coronation of Hatshepsut 18th dynasty Breasted Ancient Records ofEgypt Part 2, § 220 Come glorious one; I have placed (thee) before me; that thou mayest see thy administration in the palace, and the excellent deeds of thy ka’s that thou mayest assume thy royal dignity, glorious in thy magic, mighty in thy strength. Thutmose I,summoning his daughter to be crowned 18th dynasty Breasted Ancient Records ofEgypt Part 2, § 235

… and their substitutes in the service of the gods, the priesthood. But there were also less exalted magicians who did not deal with life and death, but with more mundane issues like good luck charms, pest control or love potions.

Aydressed as High Priest performing the Opening ofthe Mouth ceremony Tomb KV 62, 18th dynasty Picture source: Lionel Casson AncientEgypt

Sometimes spells fell into the wrong hands. Anybody capable of reading could use them [17] , and, at times, some did so with evil intentions.

Now, when Penhuibin, formerly overseer of herds, said to him: "Give to me a roll for enduing me with strength and might,” he gave to him a magic roll of Usermare-Meriamon (Ramses III), L.P.H., the Great God, his lord, L.P.H., and he began to employ the magic powers of a god upon people. Recordsof the Harem Conspiracy againstRamses III20th dynasty

To the ordinary mortal magic could be dangerous, and coming into physical contact with the divine deadly. The accidental touching of the royal sceptre even by a sem priest had to be counteracted by the king’s spell, and the incident was serious enough to be recorded:

The king of Upper and Lower Egypt Neferikare appeared as King of Lower Egypt on the day of the seizing of the anterior rope of the God’s barque. There was the sem priest Rewer before his majesty in his office of sem priest, responsible for the clothing. The ames sceptre which was in the hand of his majesty, touched the foot of the sem priest Rewer. His majesty said to him: “May you be well!” - thus spoke his majesty. Behold, his majesty said: “It is desirable to my majesty that he may be well, without a blow for him.” Behold, he is more esteemed by his majesty than any other man. His majesty ordered to have (it) put in writing on his tomb which is in the necropolis. His majesty caused a record to be made about it, written in the presence of the king himself in the district of the palace, in order to write down according to what had been said in his tomb which is in the necropolis. From thetomb ofRewer (5th dynasty) [24]

Practical purposes

Magic had important pragmatic aspects, which were exploited to achieve the aims of humans, dead or alive, spirits, and gods:

Creation of the world by Ptah, the self-fertilization of Amen or Khnum’s shaping of man from clay were all deeds unachievable by ordinary means.

He (Ptah) gave birth to the gods, He made the towns, He established the nomes, He placed the gods in their shrines, He settled their offerings, He established their shrines, He made their bodies according to their wishes. From theShabaka Stone, 25th dynasty

The giving of birth was not just miraculous, but also dangerous, and the newly born was especially vulnerable.

Birth brick Picture source: University of Pennsylvania Museum website [2]

Birth bricks [2] on which the woman in labour crouched, were decorated with depictions of Hathor and other goddesses and were believed to bestow protection on the mother and above all her baby, and charms were used to guard children from evil demons [18] . Boys appear to have been favoured by their parents and given better protection, e.g. only boy’s names are mentioned on apotropaic wands carved of ivory and decorated with pictures of protective deities. [25]

The dead and their resting place needed protecting too and, as history has proven, ancient curses turned out to be most ineffective

The elder of the house of Meni, he says: A Crocodile against him in the water. A snake against him on land. He will do something against that same one. At no time did I do anything against him. It is God who will judge. Inscription in the tomb of Meni, 6th Dynasty, at Giza

Amulets were worn by the living and given to the dead to empower and ward off evil [21] . Some mummies had dozens of scarabs packed into their bandages.

He (the sun god) created for them magic as a weapon, to fend off the blows of the happenings. The teachingsof Merikare,Middle Kingdom After Jan Assmann Ägypten - Theologie und Frömmigkeit einer frühen Hochkultur, p.72

As diseases were thought to be caused by spirits, healing was a magical science: the giving of medicines and the nursing care were accompanied by spells designed to expel these pathogenic agents.

Get thee back, thou enemy, thou dead man or woman … Thou dost not enter into his phallus, so that it grows limp. Thou dost not cast seed into his anus (?) … Gardiner,Theban Ostraca, C 1,p.13-15

According to the Bentresh Stela, describing an apparently fictitious medical case in the strange far-off country of Bekhten, when the daughter of the chief fell ill, the statue of Khonsu-the-Plan-Maker, Great God, Smiter of evil Spirits was sent from Egypt:

Then this god went to the place where Bentresh was. Then he wrought the protection of the daughter of the chief of Bekhten. She became well immediately. Then said the spirit which was in her before Khonsu-the-Plan-Maker-in-Thebes: “Thou comest in peace, thou great god, smiting the barbarians……… I am thy servant. I will go to the place whence I came, to satisfy thy heart concerning that, on account of which thou comest ……….” Bentresh Stela possibly27th dynasty or later James Henry Breasted AncientRecords of Egypt Part Three, §443 f.

Physicians, priests and magicians - no clear demarcation line appears to have separated these, to our eyes very different, callings -seemingly worked according to quite strict guidelines as to how the body was to be examined, how the results were to be interpreted and which treatments were to be performed and which were not.

There are vessels in every limb of the body. When some physician, some sakhmet priest, some magician lays his finger on the head, on the back of the head, on the hands, on the place of the heart, on both arms and both legs, then he will feel the heart, as there are vessels in every limb of the body and it (i.e. the heart) ‘speaks’ at the beginning of the vessels of all body parts. EbersPapyrus, col. 99,Middle Kingdom

The more radical cures, like Isis restoring Osiris to life or Khufu’s magician Djedi re-attaching cut-off heads belonged strictly to the realms of mythology or fancy.

The acquisition of knowledge concerning spiritual beings or the future enhanced a person’s control over his destiny. One path to such knowledge was the interpretation of dreams, which was also used for justifying one’s actions or legitimizing one’s power:

In year 1, of his coronation as king …… his majesty saw a dream by night: two serpents, one upon his right, the other upon his left. Then his majesty awoke, and he found them not. His majesty said: “Wherefore [has] this [come] to me?” Then they answered him, saying: “Thine is the Southland; take for thyself (also) the Northland. The two goddesses shine upon thy brow, the land is given to thee, in its length and its breadth. [No] other divides it with thee.” Stela ofTanutamen 25th dynasty JamesHenryBreasted Ancient Recordsof Egypt Part Four § 922

The power attained through magic could serve many purposes, good or evil. It could be used to manipulate people’s behaviour or feelings as the many love-spells prove [23] . According to the writings of Pseudo-Callisthenes Nectanebo II used magic to defend his country from outside enemies.

Magical stela, middle of 4th century BCE => Picture source: Metropolitan Museum [7]

Whenever he was threatened with invasion by sea or by land he succeeded in destroying the power of his enemies, and in driving them from his coasts or frontiers; and this he did by the following means. If the enemy came against him by sea, instead of sending out his sailors to fight them, he retired into a certain chamber, and having brought forth a bowl which he kept for the purpose, he filled it with water, and then, having made wax figures of the ships and men of the enemy, and also of his own men and ships, he set them upon the water in the bowl, his men on one side, and those of the enemy on the other. He then came out, and having put on the cloak of an Egyptian prophet and taken an ebony rod in his hand, he returned into the chamber, and uttering words of power he invoked the gods who help men to work magic, and the winds, and the subterranean demons, which straightway came to his aid. By their means the figures of the men in wax sprang into life and began to fight, and the ships of wax began to move about likewise; but the figures which represented his own men vanquished those which represented the enemy, and as the figures of the ships and men of the hostile fleet sank through the water to the bottom of the bowl, even so did the real ships and men sink through the waters to the bottom of the sea. In this way he succeeded in maintaining his power, and he continued to occupy his kingdom in peace for a considerable period. E. A. WallisBudgeEgyptian Magic [4]

Through death a person lost his power over his body. In order for him to pass safely through the underworld his mummy’s sensual functions had to be restored. This was done in the ceremony of the opening of the mouth. Statues were similarly empowered.

There was no tradition of magic that was evil in itself, what we would refer to as Black Magic, but magic could be abused and was in these instances treated as criminal behaviour, though possibly especially abhorrent. Both in the Rollin and the Lee Papyrus the deeds of magicians who had supported a conspiracy against Ramses III were called “great crimes of death”, “the abominations of the land” or the like, probably because the victim had been the king himself.

The practice of magic

The [magician Horus-son-of] Paneshe returned [quickly]; he brought his books and his amulets to [where Pharaoh] was. He recited a spell to him and bound an amulet on him, to prevent the sorceries of the Nubians from gaining power over him. He [went] out from Pharaoh’s presence, took his offerings and libations, went on board a boat, and hastened to Khmun. He went to the temple of Khmun, [made his] offerings and his libations before Thoth, the eight-times great, the lord of Khmun, the great god. He made a prayer before him saying: “Turn your face to me, my lord Thoth! Let not the Nubians take the shame of Egypt to the land of Nubia! It is you who [created] magic [spells]. It is you who suspended the sky, who founded the earth and the netherworld, who placed the gods with ……. Let me know how to save Pharaoh [from the sorceries of the] Nubians!” From the story Prince Khamwasand Si-Osire [3]

Preparations

In order for magic spells to succeed elaborate preparations had to be made at times: It was generally wise not to choose an unlucky day, the time (dusk and dawn were especially auspicious) and place (often a dark chamber, a dark recess, a clean dark cell or a secret dark place) had to be appropriate, and, as is only proper for such spiritual endeavours, the ingredients, the medium and the magician had to be suitable, which generally meant that they had to be ritually pure: If it be that you do not apply (?) purity to it, it does not succeed; its chief matter is purity [9] . Thus in one divination spell a boy who has not been with a woman as medium was required, in another one could address the moon after being pure for three days. Implements and ingredients too needed to be acceptable, either new or carefully cleansed:

You go to a dark chamber with its [face] open to the South or East in a clean place: you sprinkle it with clean sand brought from the great river; you take a clean bronze cup or a new vessel of pottery and put a lok-measure of water that has settled (?) or of pure water into the [cup] and a lok-measure of real oil pure …. TheDemotic Magical Papyrus of London and Leiden Roman Period

One’s own semen, a new brick or even milk of a black cow were relatively easy to come by, a two-tailed lizard on the other hand needed some searching, and Alexandrian weasels or hawks were becoming quite rare in the late first millennium BCE: in a temple which specialized in mummifying hawks there was a major scandal when it was discovered that the mummies contained anything but hawks.

Spells

The word, spoken or, perhaps even more potent, written down and read out aloud, was the means to influence other beings and bend them to one’s will. Speech was often accompanied by actions, precisely prescribed rituals for which there were no obvious reasons and which were frequently repeated:

…… you take a vine-shoot before it has ripened grapes, you take it with your left hand, you put it into your right hand - when it has grown seven digits (in length) you carry it [into your] house, and you take the [fish] out of the oil, you tie it by its tail with a strip (?) of flax,you hang it up to . ..of(?) the vine-wood…… TheDemotic Magical Papyrus of London and Leiden

Execration rituals included piercing of a figurine with needles or knives, spitting, or burning. Some pharaohs asserted their dominance over their enemies by symbolically trampling on them: they had their foes’ pictures painted on the soles of their sandals.

Talisman facilitating the process ofchildbirth Ptolemaic Period Source: © GeorgesPoncet / Muséedu Louvre [16]

Many spells required the use of special foodstuffs [18] , magical implements, figurines, talismans and the like. During the Middle Kingdom magic knives [15] , sometimes also called apotropaic [14] wands, were made of carved hippo tusks and often decorated with animal depictions. One of them carried the words Cut off the head of the enemy when he enters the chamber of the children and the spells were hoped to afford protection from snakes, scorpions [28] and other dangers. Animal figurines were among the equipment of tombs. Very popular were hippo talismans. Hippos are fiercely protective of their young and dangerous to man, the dead were therefore frequently endowed with figurines which had a leg purposely broken off to prevent them from hurting the tomb owners. Vessels, lamps, knives and other utensils were used. Blood (of smun-geese, hoopoes, nightjars, worms, puppies, humans etc), semen, oil and water were mixed with other animal or plant matter (shavings from the head of a dead man, hawk, ibis or crocodile eggs, gall of a gazelle, ankh-amu plant, [senepe plant], 'Great-of-Amen’ plant, qes-ankh stone, genuine lapis-lazuli, 'footprint-of-Isis’ plant). Myrrh and frankincense were burned as was the Anubis-plant. Turpentine and styrax (storax), a fragrant gum, were added to the incense [9] .

In execration rituals figurines were made of wax which could then easily be destroyed by force or by fire

Magic figurine Ancient Egypt Magazine, Issue Nine - November/December 2001 [10]

This spell is to be recited over (an image of) Apophis drawn on a new sheet of papyrus in green ink, and (over a figure of) Apophis in red wax. See, his name is inscribed on it in green ink … I have overthrown all the enemies of Pharaoh from all their seats in every place where they are. See, their names written on their breasts, having been made of wax, and also bound with bonds of black rope. Spit upon them! To be trampled with the left foot, to be fallen with the spear (and) knife; to be placed on the fire in the melting-furnace of the copper-smiths … It is a burning in a fire of bryony. Its ashes are placed in a pot of urine, which is pressed firmly into a unique fire. Nine Measuresof Magic; Part3: 'Overthrowing Apophis’: Egyptian ritual in practice Ancient Egypt Magazine Issue Nine- November/December 2001 [10]

Things were often chosen for their colour. Black, mentioned twenty times in the Demotic Magical Papyrus, and white, twelve instances, dominated: milk from a black cow, blood of a black dog, a new white lamp etc. Great importance was attached to the names of the invoked gods or spirits, names which were hidden from the uninitiated. The very knowledge of their true names as opposed to those more widely known (Sarpot Mui-Sro is my name, Light-scarab-noble (?) is my true name) [9] , gave one considerable power over them. These appellations had to be pronounced properly, in the right sequence and in their entirety:

’…….. Io, Tabao, Soukhamamon, Akhakhanbou, Sanauani, Ethie, Komto, Kethos, Basaethori, Thmila, Akhkhou, give me answer as to everything about which I ask here to-day.’ Seven times. TheDemotic Magical Papyrus of London and Leiden

This invocation was to be repeated seven times. Often a simple two-fold repetition seemed to suffice, but three-, four- and even nine-fold reiterations were also frequent. In Ani’s Book of the Dead, the deceased reaffirms his innocence four times:

I am pure. I am pure. I am pure. I am pure. BudgeThe Book ofthe Dead,Chapter 125 [8]

These magical numbers were also important in other contexts. A certain love spell required nine apple-pips together with your urine, another a Kesh…-fish of nine digits and black. For a vessel divination three new bricks were needed; and one was supposed to pour an unsavory concoction of semen, blood and other ingredients into a cup of wine and add three uteh to it of the first-fruits of the vintage. Other numbers like five, six or eight were rarely used [9] .

When the life of a patient was in danger because of a snake bite, a sekhmet priest might threaten to cause the solar barque to run aground on a sandbank, describing the dire consequences that would ensue to the very fabric of the world:

The sun barque is at rest and does not proceed, The sun is still in the same spot as yesterday. The nourishment is without ship, the temple is barred, There the disease will turn back the disturbance To yesterday’s location. The daemon of darkness is about, the times are not separated. The shadow’s shapes cannot be observed anymore. The springs are blocked, the plants wither, Life is taken from the living Until Horus recovers for his mother Isis, And until the patient’s health is restored as well. After Jan Assmann Ägypten - Theologie und Frömmigkeit einer frühen Hochkultur, p.85

The need of the deceased for magic was perhaps even greater than that of the living. After dying they were completely helpless until their faculties had been restored by the ritual of the Opening of the Mouth and they had been equipped with the knowledge needed to address gods and daemons by their hidden, true names and the spells necessary to ward off the dangers they would encounter.

Homage to thee, O great God, Lord of Maati! I have come unto thee, O my Lord, and I have brought myself hither that I may behold thy beauties. I know thee, I know thy name, I know the names of the Forty-two Gods who live with thee in this Hall of Maati, who live by keeping ward over sinners, and who feed upon their blood on the day when the consciences of men are reckoned up in the presence of the god Un-Nefer. In truth thy name is “Rehti-Merti-Nebti-Maati.” ThePapyrus of Ani, translated by E.A.W. Budge

But not all was gloom in the Netherworld. The duties a person had to perform by himself in this world, could be attended to by a stand-in, an ushabti (also called shawabti at times) in the next, if you knew how to make him do it [19] :

Spell for causing a shawabti to work for its owner in the underworld. To be recited over the shawabti, which will be made either of tamarisk or thorn wood. This shall be carved to resemble its owner as he appeared in life, and placed in the tomb. Look upon this man, ye gods, transfigured souls and spirits of the dead, for he has acquired force, seized his moment, taken on royal authority, he’s a pharaoh, ruling mankind, controlling them like cattle. They were created to serve him. The gods themselves ordained it. Now, shawabti: If, in the world of the dead, X is ordered to perform the yearly stint of public work all Egyptians owe their pharaoh, be it to move bricks, level off a plot of ground, re-survey land when the Nile-flood recedes or till new-planted fields, you will say; “Here I am!” to any functionary who comes looking for X while he is trying to enjoy his meal of funerary offerings. Take up your hoe, shawabti, your pick, your demarcation pegs, your basket, just as any slave would for his master. O shawabti made for X, if X is called for his obligations to the state you will pipe up: “Here I am!” whether X is summoned to oversee workers in the new-planted fields, tend to irrigation, move sand from East to West or vice versa “Here I am!” you will say and take his place. Coffin Text 472, translated byJacob Rabinowitz [6]

Addressing supernatural powers

Prayers and offerings

In dealing with the gods care was required. They were powerful and, consequently, highly respected: Mut carried the epithet Great in Magic, the vulture-headed Heknet [26] , the Praiser, was Mistress of Spirits, [27] the hippo goddess Taweret was called Great of Sorcery and Sekhmet was the Powerful One. Their nature was often dual: Taweret was a protectress against Typhonic powers, carrying an ankh or a burning torch, but she had the form of an extremely dangerous animal [13] ; Sekhmet, a ferocious lion goddess, brought death and destruction when she accompanied the pharaoh on his campaigns of war, but was the main support of the healers in their fight against disease. It was best to treat them with reverence. Many people today may see practices such as prayers and offerings to gods as distinct from magic, it was not to the Egyptians. Both the living and the dead went to great lengths to receive the blessing of the gods. Hymns of praise were composed and recited, written down on papyrus and put in the tombs. Offerings of food, real or carved on walls, were supposed to satiate the god’s hunger and thirst. Just as the statue of the god Amen for instance was the god himself, a magician, by identifying himself with a god, was transformed into him

'I will say: “Come to me Montu, lord of the day! Come, that you may put N born of N into my hand like an insect in the mouth of a bird”. I am Montu whom the gods adore. I will sever your bones and eat your flesh.’ Ostracon found at Deir el Medine 19th dynasty Ancient EgyptMagazine: Nine measures of magic [11]

Invoking and dismissing

Lesser magical beings like demons, spirits or the deceased did not quite warrant the same amount of respect. But they were the main agents of magic and could be invoked by simple means:

Prescription to make them speak: you put a frog’s head on the brazier, then they speak.

or

Prescription for bringing the gods in by force: you put the bile of a crocodile with pounded frankincense on the brazier. If you wish to make them come in quickly again, you put stalks (?) of anise (?) on the brazier together with the egg-shell as above, then the charm works at once. TheDemotic Magical Papyrus of London and Leiden

If they did not obey they (even lamps) could be threatened:

I will not give thee oil, I will not give thee fat. O lamp; verily I will give thee the body of the female cow and put blood of the male bull into (?) thee and put thy band to the testicles (?) of the enemy of Horus. TheDemotic Magical Papyrus of London and Leiden

Once one had received their services it was best to send them away as they could be unpredictable

His dismissal formula: 'Farewell (bis) Anubis, the good ox-herd, Anubis (bis), the son of a (?) jackal (and ?) a dog … another volume saith: the child of … Isis (?) (and ) a dog, Nabrishoth, the Cherub (?) of Amenti, king of those of…..’ Say seven times.

or

The charm which you pronounce when you dismiss them to their place: 'Good dispatch, joyful dispatch!’ TheDemotic Magical Papyrus of London and Leiden

Picture sources: [ ] Coptic spell papyrus: Duke Papyrus Archive [ ] Ay dressed as High Priest: Casson Ancient Egypt [ ] Birth brick: University of Pennsylvania Museum website [2] [ ] Magical stela: Metropolitan Museum, 360-343 B.C.E.; Dynasty 30, reign of Nectanebo II; Greywacke; H. 32 7/8 in. (83.5 cm), Fletcher Fund, 1950 [7] [ ] Talisman facilitating the process of childbirth: © Georges Poncet / Musée du Louvre [16] [ ] Magic figurine: Ancient Egypt Magazine, Issue Nine - November/December 2001 [10] [ ] Late Period faience udjat: University College, London [ ] Love charm: Étienne Drioton, Un charme d'amour égyptien d'époque gréco-romaine, BIFAO 41 (1942), p.75

Footnotes: [1] Theologians belonging to the three monotheistic religions tend to deny this, drawing a clear line between their 'pure’ doctrines devoid of superstition and paganism. But there is no real difference in attitude between Christians, Jews and Muslims and followers of other traditions. They all use rituals which only to a believer are not classified as magical. Thus, Jews kiss the mezuzah, a small case attached to the doorpost containing religious texts, Christians cross themselves, and Muslims circle around a stone when performing the hadj. People will claim that it is the thought behind the ritual which counts - which of course is exactly what magic is all about. [14] apotropaic: averting evil, from Greek apotrepein, turn away [17] The magic itself was the essence, not the magician. In the Pyramid Texts king Pepi threatened the gods with the withholding of all offerings if they did not assist him in rising to the heavens

It is not this king Pepi who says this against you, it is the charm which says this against you, ye gods. J.H. Breasted Development of Religion and Thought in Ancient Egypt, p. 111

[19] If the eagerness of the ushabtis to do their duty was indicative of the work ethics of Egyptian workers we may begin to sympathize with their employers: the tombs ended up by being filled with statuettes, as each was expected to be active for just one day in the year, and there were overseer ushabtis carrying flails. [20] At least in tales hard study could be avoided, possibly at the price of upsetting one’s stomach: Prince Naneferptah

… called for a new piece of papyrus, and wrote on it all that was in the book before him. He dipped it in beer, and washed it off in the liquid; for he knew that if it were washed off, and he drank it, he would know all that there was in the writing. Princess Ahura: The Magic Book

[21] In his 1914 monograph on amulets Petrie distinguished five classes of amulets [22] : 1. Similars, or Homopoeic, which are for influencing similar parts, or functions, or occurrences, for the wearer 2. Powers or Dynatic, for conferring powers and capacities, especially upon the dead; 3. Property or Ktematic, which are entirely derived from the funeral offerings, and are thus peculiar to Egypt; 4. Protection or Phylactic, such as charms and curative amulets; 5. Gods or Theophoric, connected with the worship of the gods and their functions [23] The little statuette on the right is about 8 centimetres tall, dates to the Graeco-Roman period, and bears an inscription invoking the powers the deceased depicted by the statuette was thought to have:

Rise and bind him whom I look at, to be my lover, (for) I adore his face. After EtienneDrioton, Un charmed'amour égyptien d'époque gréco-romaine,BIFAO 41 (1942), p.79

It appears that the constraint of being magically bound to do someone’s will could be broken by an encounter with a magician or hearing some auspicious noise like the braying of an ass or the bark of a dog. [24]Thesaurus Linguae Aegyptiae website => Altägyptisches Wörterbuch, Berlin-Brandenburgische Akademie der Wissenschaften => Grabinschriften => Gisa => Grabkomplex des Kaiemankh (G 4561) => Grabkomplex des Rawer (PM III 265-269) => Relief- und Stelenfragmente => Biographische Inschriftenstele [25] Meskell, op.cit., p.65 [26] W. Max Muller, Egyptian Mythology, Kessinger Publishing, 2004, p.133 [27] Francis Llewellyn Griffith, Herbert Thompson. The Leyden papyrus: an Egyptian magical book, Courier Dover Publications, 1974, p.159 [29] The stories in Exodus should not be considered to be historical facts. They reflect the Hebrew traditions which appear to be based on intimated knowledge of the ancient Egyptian society.

Bibliography: Jan Assmann Ägypten - Theologie und Frömmigkeit einer frühen Hochkultur Jan Assmann, Schöpfungsmythen und Kreativitätskonzepte im alten Ägypten James Henry Breasted Ancient Records of Egypt, Chicago 1906 James Henry Breasted, Development of Religion and Thought in Ancient Egypt E.A.W. Budge, The Book of the Dead E.A.W. Budge, Egyptian Magic Étienne Drioton, “Un charme d'amour égyptien d'époque gréco-romaine,” BIFAO 41 (1942), p.79 Adolf Erman, A Handbook of Egyptian Religion A.Gardiner, Theban Ostraca F.Ll. Griffith, The Demotic Magical Papyrus of London and Leiden F.Ll. Griffith, Stories of the High Priests of Memphis; The Sethon of Herodotus and The Demotic Tales of Khamuas Miriam Lichtheim, Ancient Egyptian Literature Lynn Meskell, Private Life in New Kingdom Egypt, Princeton University Press, 2002, ISBN 069100448X, 9780691004488 Geraldine Pinch, Magic in Ancient Egypt Jacob Rabinowitz, Isle of Fire Kurt Sethe, Von Zahlen und Zahlworten bei den alten Ägyptern, 1916 Aloisia de Trafford, The Pyramid Texts: some thoughts on their medium and message Richard H. Wilkinson, The Complete Gods and Goddesses of Ancient Egypt The British and Foreign Bible Society The Holy Bible Ancient Egypt Magazine Nine Measures of Magic; Part 3: 'Overthrowing Apophis’: Egyptian ritual in practice , Issue Nine - November/December 2001 Urkunden des ägyptischen Altertums, sechste Abteilung, Heft 1, 1929

[9] The Demotic Magical Papyrus of London and Leiden

[18] Charm for the protection of a child

[28] Ta-bitjet: Charm against scorpions

Incantations against reptiles and noxious creatures in general

Index of topics

Main index and search page

Offsite links (Opening in a new window) Theseare justsuggestions forfurther reading. I do not assume any responsibilityfor the contentofthesesites

Magic in Greco-Roman Egypt by I.M.P. Kousoulis

[2] Birth brick, page 35

[3] Prince Khamwas and Si-Osire

[4] E. A. Wallis Budge Egyptian Magic, Chapter III

[5] Pyramid Texts Utterances 273-274: “The Cannibal Hymn”

[6] Book of the Dead: Coffin Texts number 472

[7] The Metropolitan Museum

[8] The Coming into Day, Chapter 125

[12] Hermes Trismegistus - The Archaic Underground Tradition

Nine Measures of Magic, part 1

[11] Nine Measures of Magic, part 2

[10] Nine Measures of Magic, part 3

[13] Taweret, Goddess-Demoness of Birth, Rebirth and the Northern Sky

[15] Magic ivory wand

[16] Gemme magique grecque (Louvre Museum)

[22] Amulets of Ancient Egypt (Introduction to the book by Carol Andrews)

Heka at the Louvre

Witchcraft at the Louvre

Udjat: The sacred eye

Tales of Magic in Ancient Egypt

Dreaming like an Egyptian By Robert Moss

Tales of Ancient Egypt: Princess Ahura: The Magic Book, c. 1100 BCE

Witchcraft at the Louvre: Heka, Magic and Bewitchment in Ancient Egypt

Egyptian Magic by E. A. Wallis Budge

Medical Magic

Khaemwaset

Wax amulets

Papyrus amulet

Khaemwaset

Magical bowl, 3rd-4th century CE

Vorläufige Bibliographie Magie

Repelling Demons - Protecting Newborns

Isis and the Name of Ra

Amulets of Ancient Egypt: Introduction by Carol Andrews

Feedback: please report broken links, mistakes - factual or otherwise,etc. to me. thanks.

© May2003 Minor updates: August 2008 December 2006 June 2004 June 2003

Alternative and mistaken spellings: ushabti ushabty shabti shabty heqa magick