#NavigatingDesire

[deathssubbymoondust]

Caught Between Moments and Madness

Done with uni, and it’s finally sinking in. there’s this strange sensation, like a door closing behind me and another one barely cracked open in front. i’m happy, sure, but there’s this emptiness too—a hollow space that used to be filled with the certainty of what comes next. now it’s just this vast, open question, and i feel like i’m already lagging behind, like life’s this marathon and everyone else is a mile ahead. how do you just exist in the moment when the future feels like it’s rushing at you, full speed, and you’re not even sure you’ve got your shoes on the right feet?

i saw my partner again, finally, and there’s something so grounding in our connection. i love the duality of us—the way we can slip between the sheets..., but also just be together, two souls tangled up in something deeper. it’s like we’ve built this world where i can be my messy, chaotic self, and he still looks at me like i’m something worth holding onto. i love him so fiercely, it almost scares me. but sometimes my feelings get all tangled up in knots, and i don’t know what to do with them. i shut down, like a machine overheating, and my mind whispers maybe it’s easier to break it all apart. it’s not him, not really, just this weird, temporary numbness that washes over me when i’m overwhelmed.

and work. god, the whole thing with the sexual harassment... it’s like, do men even hear themselves? he apologized, sure, but then he had the audacity to deny it all happened, to put the blame on me for not saying ‘stop.’ as if it’s not basic decency to know you shouldn’t touch someone without their consent. fuck that. fuck you, seriously.

right now, i’m just here, my thoughts a whirlwind of contradictions. i feel like i’m standing on a tightrope, balancing between happy and sad, good and bad, and it’s exhausting. adulthood is this weird, endless maze, and sometimes it feels like there’s no exit.

i keep telling myself i need to learn how to savor the moment, to find joy in the here and now, but my mind is always spinning with a hundred different ‘what ifs.’ i need to find new things that light me up, need a routine to steady me, need to get better, healthier. but it’s all so overwhelming, this constant pressure to do more, be more. sometimes i just want to scream into the void because it’s like i want everything and nothing, all at once.

so maybe, for now, i’ll just try to be. to sit with myself and all this messy, complicated stuff that makes up who i am.

it’s my life, after all. just mine. and maybe that’s the most terrifying and liberating thing of all.