#NOT that I'm the only sibling who has caused lasting emotional harm here. my older brother fucked both me + younger brother up a lot

[sonofsin]

like the truth is that the person that environment turned me into was not nice or likeable. I was very fucking hard to get along with because I snarled and snapped like a caged feral dog any time someone got close. or tried to, at least. I'm still not nice or particularly likeable, but I'm less of a bite risk, I guess. I don't blame my brothers for keeping their distance. the only version of me they knew was a shit person and an even worse sibling.

[fanfiction-abyss]

TBHK SONGFIC

This is my gift for my fellow ___ for a discord gift event! Hope you enjoy it!!

Akane Aoi x Hikari Minamoto:

STUPID CUPID

For all his life, Akane Aoi found himself struggling. He struggled to gain the love of his childhood bestfriend, struggled in his balancing order between his life and responsibilities as vice-president of the student council and keeping his duties as School Mystery No. 1. As his first year of high school started, he thought that he had it all in check, until he met her. Hikari Minamoto. Their meeting was by chance, he bumped into her while she was walking out of the student council room. She quickly bowed, spewed out an apology and ran off before he could blink. At first he thought she was a brave fan of Teru's who came to bother him, but the thought was quickly crossed off his mind as Teru explained who the girl was.

"That was my little sister. She was just dropping me off my lunch that I forgot. Usually it's Kou, but he's busy with his own mission." Akane nodded, busying himself by filing some papers, sweating under Teru's intensive stare. After finishing his filing, Akane nodded at Teru before heading to the door.

"Aoi." His sharp voice made Akane stop.

"Please be good to my siblings, if you ever see them around."

"I will, President Minamoto." The redhead silently cursed the president in his mind.

It wasn't until a week later that Hikari and Akane made contact once again.

"Ao-chan! I'd like you to meet someone! She's interested in joining the Gardening club!" Nene pulled a familiar blonde in front of Aio's desk, one thing Akane noticed was that she was wearing a middle school uniform.

"P-pleased to meet your acquaintance! I'm Hikari M-Minamoto, a third year in t-the middle school division and I'd like to join the club, as Senpai just explained!" Her voiced was rather meek and she had a rather heavy blush on her cheeks. Aoi, who Akane was standing next to, clasped her hands excitedly, sparkles bloomed as she cutely titled her head and smiled.

"That's great to hear, Minamoto-san! I'm Aoi Akane, thank you for showing interest in the club! We really need new members!" Hikari rubbed her arm and gazed at the ground.

"Y-You can call me by my first name... I don't mind. It's just... it's just that I don't want any unwanted confusion or attention, so..." She trailed off, her eyes swirling with embarrassment.

"I see, then you can call me Ao-chan, Hikari-chan!" Akane tensed, pushing up his glasses.

"... to think she's already in nickname basis with Ao-chan..." His mutterings grabbed the girl's attention.

"Is something wrong, Akane-kun?" Aoi asked sweetly, to which Akane shook his head.

I must stay poised and collected in front of President Minamoto's siblings or I won't hear the end of it from him...

Akane respectfully bowed towards Hikari.

"Pleasure to meet you, Minamoto-kohai. I'm Akane Aoi, if you don't know, I work with President Minamoto. " Hikari immediately bowed in respect, hitting her forehead on the top of the desk.

"I'm incredibly sorry for bumping into you last week, Aoi-Senpai, I didn't even formally apologize! I'm so, so sorry! Please let me make it up to you in some way or another!" The first years jumped, not expecting the sudden outbursts.

"Minamoto-kohai! It's quite alright-"

"Uwah! Hikari-chan are you alright?!" Nene had her hand up to her mouth in horror. The young girl, straightened up, showing a rather painful bruise of her forehead. Tears were welling up in the corner of her eyes.

"I-I'm fine, Senpai!"

"But-but you're crying!" Hikari covered her face and turned away.

"It's just that... I'm so embarrassed! I made a fool of myself in front of the upperclassmen!" Aoi patted the younger girls sibling in the back rather comforting.

"It's okay, Hikari-chan! You were just nervous, but for now, let's take you to the nurses office and check the bruise out."

"A-Ah! It's fine, Ao-Senpai! I'm, I'm used to worse, so this is nothing!" Aoi's and Nene's face visibly darkened with worry.

"W-worse?"

"A-Anyways, umm... about the club..." Face brightening, Aoi picked up her bag.

"If you don't mind, we can introduce you to the gardens! You can see what type of plants you want to take care of and you can meet the others as well, but first we have to change out of uniforms so they don't get dirty! Did you have an extra set of clothes?" Hikari lifted her bag and nodded, gaining approval from Aoi.

"Then, let's get moving! See ya, Akane-kun!" Akane watched the girls leave before making his way down the garden, hiding in his usual spot where he was able to watch what was going on. It took a few minutes before the girls came outside. Aoi was wearing her cute white sunhat, a pink tshirt and discolored shorts. Akane watched the new member with eyes of a hawk. She was wearing a white long sleeved shirt, black track pants, and her hair was pulled into a ponytail, allowing a purple good-luck amulet piercing in her left ear. It looked rather delinquent-like on her, which as far as Akane could tell, was not much her style. Aoi left and Nene walked with Hikari, touring her around, and stopping in front of Akane.

"And this is the decorative plants we take care of..." Nene trailed of, seeing the horrified expression of her junior, looking at the bush and letting out a terrified yelp.

"A-Akane-kun?! What are you doing?!" Akane's face was popping out of the plant, his glasses hid his eyes, but he was smiling.

"Oh, Nene-san, I'm just watching over Ao-chan, that's all!" Nene nodded, pulling Hikari close.

"Forgive him, Hikari-chan! He has a condition!" Before an answer escaped her mouth, Hikari tensed and turned, feeling dread.

This feeling... is it an apparition? Not to mention, didn't Ao-senpai head over there!?

"Eh, Hikari-chan, everything alright?" Nene's question was answered with a familiar shriek, causing the trios eyes to widen.

"Ao-chan/Ao-senpai!"

Hikari was the one who ran first, the other following close behind. They reached the toolshed and Hikari held her hand, stopping the others.

If it's an apparition, my upperclassmen will be in danger!

"I-I will go in there, you guys stay here! I'll go check and see!" Nene and Akane couldn't stop her as she dashed inside the tool shed. Stepping inside, Hikari felt the presence of a spirit, but she spotted Aoi first and kneeled next to her. It seemed that she was just passed out, the shards of a broken pot, probably dropped in surprise, thankfully didn't reach the older girl. Hikari focused her attention on the corner across from her, where the dark aura came from. A shivering child was huddled in the corner, its arms around its legs and head buried between its knees.

"I don't know what past you've lived, but that gives you no right to harm a human, so... I must exorcise you." A child's voice spoke out.

"Mother and I... used to play in the gardens all the time... are you my mommy?" With furrowed brows, Hikari clenched her hand, a spear made of lighting molded within. She took aim and threw the spear towards the corner, a gentle light and clean breeze fell upon the toolshed.

May you find peace in the afterlife...

"Senpais! Akane-senpai has fainted!" Akane and Nene immediately rushed in, both looking disheveled.

"We should take Ao-chan to the nurses, Akane-kun!" Akane nodded with Nene and picked Aoi up.

"Sorry to cut the tour short, but..."

"D-don't worry, senpai!" Nene smiled brightly at the young exorcist.

"Thank you for helping, Hikari-chan!" Blushing, Hikari waved goodbye to her seniors before making her way home.

Stupid Cupid you're a real mean guy

I'd like to clip your wings so you can't fly

I'm in love and it's a crying shame

And I know that you're the one to blame

Hey hey, set me free

Stupid Cupid stop picking on me

Ever since that day, Hikari began getting Akane's attention no matter where he went. It was only natural, after all, she saved his beloved Aoi. He would catch glimpses of her as he would walk the halls, or greet her whenever they made eye contact. He noticed details about her. Her eyes were always gentle no matter what, though she rarely talked, she had an energy that attracted people to her. And, another thing he noticed was that she would never judge others no matter what.

"Oh, hi, Aoi-senpai!" His hiding spot had been compromised once again. Akane sighed and crawled out the plant.

"How do you do, Minamoto-kohai?"

"I'm d-doing well... how... how about you?"

"I'm doing perfectly fine, Ao-chan is as bright as the sun, so everything is fine!" The girl giggled at his response, but quickly covered her mouth.

"Sorry... I wasn't laughing at you, I-I just think your affection for Ao-senpai is quite cute..." Akane shook his head, squatting next to her, watching as she dug up wholes in the soil to plant beans.

"It's alright." They stayed in silence, before Akane spoke out.

"What made you interested in the Gardening Club?"

"U-umm, I joined because... I just wanted to make my brothers jobs easier." Akane said nothing and stared at the girl, encouraging her to continue.

"W-Well, Teru-nii is always busy with student council work and keeping peace in the school. Kou takes care of the housework himself and won't let me help, so... I was thinking if I could at least plant veggies and fruits, I could make their life easier... plus just in case Tiara's interested in gardening, I could teach her..." Hikari's fond expression quickly turned into one of embarrassment.

"But now that I say it out loud it doesn't make any sense!" Akane huffed, fiddling with the red student council band on his arm.

"No, I think it's nice that you think about your siblings and the fact that you try to take care of them, it's admirable." Akane didn't know what went through his mind as the words spewed out of his mouth. Hikari stopped patting the dirt, her face turning redder than the tomatoes on a nearby vine, her eye were wide, but they didn't convey any negative emotion.

"I-I see, thank you... for thinking that..."

"Oh and Minamoto-kohai, you could call me by my first name, so that's in not confusing."

"Then you can call me by my f-first name too..."

"Alright, Hikari-san."

I can't do my homework and I can't think straight

I meet her every morning 'bout half past eight

I'm acting like a lovesick fool

You've even got me carrying your books to school

Hey hey, set me free

Stupid Cupid stop picking on me

After their conversation in the garden, their usual greeting turned into full blown conversations with each other. It wasn't noticable, but they began getting closer. Hikari thought about her new friend most of the time, even though it distracted her from studying. Akane who used to hate having to collect files and papers from teachers of the middle school division, began enjoying his walks, seeing that as soon as Akane and Hikari made eye contact, Hikari would join him and help him on his quest (or so she liked to call it). It wasn't noticable to anyone, until Akane stopped confessing to Aoi everytime he saw her. He would still watch her with loving eyes, but Aoi noticed something was different with Akane. It was one morning, where Aoi's suspicions were confirmed. It was early in the morning, when Aoi stepped into the sunlit classroom, Akane was already there, ruffling through a pile of papers.

"Goodmorning, Akane-kun!" Aoi smiled at her childhood friend, who looked up with a bright smile.

"Ah! Goodmorning Ao-chan! You look as beautiful as always!" He then turned his attention to the papers in front of him. He didn't even notice her scrutinizing gaze, until she was literally in his face. He leaned away in slight shock.

"Something wrong, Ao-chan?" The indigo haired girl put a finger on her chin and hummed.

"I don't know how to put it, but Akane-kun, are you over me?" Akane tensed and blushed.

"O-Of course no-" The image of a smiling Hikari flashed in his head, causing him to stop mid sentence. The vivid image caused him to relive the memory. It was when the beans she planted finally sprouted out of the ground. She quickly called him over and showed him the accomplishment with proud smile, her usually gentle voice was filled with excitement.

"Look, Akane-senpai!"

"Akane-kun?" Akane snapped out of his trance, gazing at Aoi.

"Ao-chan, I still love you, but it's not the same love as before!" Aoi giggle, putting her hands behind her.

"Thought so! So do you like Hikari-chan?"

"Huh?! Ao-chan how did-"

"It was quite obvious Akane-kun! You're never to good at hiding your feelings if you like someone! Plus, I wouldn't be called your childhood friend if I didn't notice!" Akane sighed and rested his forehead on his arms.

"I see..."

Thank god President Minamoto hasn't noticed my change of behavior, yet... I can only imagine what he'll do to me!

Akane revisited memories of being tied up like an animal and shivered.

"Then, Akane-kun, what do you plan to do...?" Aoi's unanswered question stuck with him throughout the day. What was he going to do? It felt weird thinking of Hikari all the time instead of Aoi. His affections now differed, he wanted to stay the same with Aoi, but with Hikari it was different. It felt as if he'd been struck by a cupid's arrow, which made a warm feeling resonate within his chest. It wasn't until he stood in front of Hikari's classroom door afterschool, that he had the answer.

I want to ask her out!

The classroom door opened and out came a blonde boy, the thing the caught Akane's attention was the red traffic-safety amulet on the boys right ear.

"See ya, sis!" He ran off the opposite hallway from Akane and Hikari ran out of the classroom looking the way Kou ran off.

"W-wait Kou!" Kou was long gone by now, making her slump her shoulders in defeat.

"He forgot his spirit staff... and here he was boasting about taking down the school mysteries..."

"Hikari-san?" Surprised, the girl yelped before covering her mouth.

"Akane-senpai?!"

"U-um... about what you were talking about..." She tensed, before clenching her fists.

"C-can we go somewhere p-p-private..."

"Sure..." Akane followed Hikari up the roof and gulped as she stood in front of him with a bowed head.

"A-A-Actually... I've been putting off this confession for a long time... but can you promise me that no matter what... you won't look at me differently..." Akane stood paralyzed, with a heavy blush and without waiting for an answer, she took a deep breath.

C-Confession...?

"I-I'm actually an exorcist! I come from a lineage of exorcists, so I'm not the only one! My older brothers are also exorcists, t-that's why you heard me talk about supernaturals and all that gibberish..." A cold wind blew past Akane as comical tears ran down his cheeks.

A-Ah, that type of confession..

Quickly composing himself, Akane put his hands on her shoulder and looked into her eyes, which were full of uncertainty.

"Don't worry, Hikari-san, if anything, it makes my view of you grow positively!" He gave her a sweet smile, that made her feet go jelly.

"C-can I h-hug you..?" Akane didn't hesitate to give approval and he felt warm arms wrap themselves around his chest, her head was rested near his heart, which now, the redhead realized, was pounding rapidly.

"T-thank you, senpai!" Akane slowly wrapped his hands around her frame, pulling her closer, if that was possible.

I'm content with this...

You mixed me up for good right from the very start

Hey now, go play Robin Hood with somebody else's heart

About a few weeks later, Akane realized that he was not content with how the relationship was progressing. He managed to get a grip on himself and managed to not gush about the girl that kept his mind busy, seeing as he was scared that he would scare Hikari off. He tried to be sensitive, but like someone flipped a switch, he couldn't contain himself. He was tired of hiding his affections from the girl that deserved it the most. Making up his mind, he decided to confess to her, and told Aoi, who cheered him up. As he walked through the halls, ignoring the gossiping whispers of another supernatural at school, he planned on confessing the next time he sees her.

You got me jumping like a crazy clown

And I don't feature what you're putting down

It was lunch, when he saw her, but not in the exact situation he preferred. In fact it was the opposite of an ideal situation. He was walking, passing by an abandoned music classroom, when he heard a low piano note resonate, the sound of the door slamming open and someone being thrown against the wall followed the sound. Akane turned, horror on his face when he saw Hikari crumpled on the ground, cuts and bruises on her skin. She shakily picked her head up, reddish eyes clashing with blue eyes.

"A-Akane-senpai, get out of here! It's supernatural!" A black, gooey hand held the doorframe, and a shadow loomed over the girl, causing her to scramble back on her feet. A goey hand was raised, ready to strike, but gloved hand kept it in place.

"A-Akane-senpai...?" Hikari took in his appearance, his outfit had changed black and white suit, a pocket watch pinned on his chest. His hair had slighty gotten longer and a low ponytail swayed behind him. With a growl, Akane clenched his hand, breaking off the supernatural's hand off, getting the black substance on his face.

"You filth! Don't ever touch Hikari-chan with your dirty hands, ever again!" With his other hand, Akane stabbed through the supernatural's main body, making it go limp before dissolving into this air.

"Akane-senpai... you're a school mystery?" Akane turned his attention to the girl and gave her a closed eye smile.

"Yeah, sorry for keeping it a secret from you... but more importantly, are you okay?" He took her face into his hands, rubbing his thumbs over her cheeks in a gentle and loving manner. His red eyes gleamed with adoration.

"We need to take you to the nurse's, don't bother resisting, it's best if your brothers find out." He took her wrist and began pulling her along, stopping when he felt her other hand tugging on his white vest.

"Thank you for saving me Akane-senpai..." Blue eyes were filled with warmth and the genuine smile dancing on her lips made Akane snap.

Well since I kissed her loving lips of wine

The thing that bothers me is that I like it fine

Hey hey, set me free

Stupid Cupid stop picking on me

With a hand under her chin, he gently pulled her chin up, closing his eyes, he leaned in and pressed his lips onto hers. Hikari tensed into the sweet kiss, before relaxing and softly pressing her lips back. A small smile sneaked its way on Akane's face through the kiss, before the two pulled away and looked at each other's eyes.

"If it's you, I wouldn't mind have to save you no matter how many times it is... "A moment of silence was shared between the two, as Hikari slid her hand into his and he wasted no time to gently grip it into a secure hold. Akane stroked her cheek once more, and pressed his forehead upon hers. He realized that for once, he felt at peace. Hikari squeezed his hand.

"After all, I love you more than anything else in this world..."

You got me jumping like a crazy clown

And I don't feature what you're putting down

Well since I kissed his loving lips of wine

The thing that bothers me is that I like it fine

Hey hey, set me free

Stupid Cupid stop picking on me

Hikari remembered when she realized she was in love with Akane. It had been a few weeks ago, she had complained about not having enough fertilizer for the soil, and the very next day, Akane showed up to the Gardening Club with a wheelbarrow full of it. It was a grand and sweet gesture, and just the memory of it let a few giggles escape from her mouth.

"Akane-kun, I love you too."

Hey hey, set me free

Stupid Cupid stop picking on me

I hope you like it and I'm sorry if any characters seem OOC! Also apologies for any editing mistakes!

[i-lived-to-tell-blog]

I'm still here....

2019 was not my year. On 9/6/2019 I attempted to take my life. It’s still hard to hear the words come out of my mouth. After spending almost 4 months in recovery therapy, there are days that I wish I died. To say I attempted and survived has so many mixed emotions. Feelings that most people who do not understand what mental un-wellness looks like let alone someone whose never thought about suicide. 

There’s wanting to die, attempting to die and, surviving. The embarrassment, the failure, the mental instability you feel, it’s almost as consuming as the feeling of wanting to die. 

In the last 4 months I have come to the conclusion that yes there are diagnosis for mental disease (dis-ease; un-ease), I believe that a lot of those disorders are predicated by post traumatic events. It is people that cause these so called disorders and it gets handed down genetically. I do not claim that to be factual, just a generalized statement based on my own experience. My mother was raped by her step brother when she was a teenager.  Her family was not sensitive to the situation and her mother was cold. My father was emotionally abused by his father.  His father also sexually exposed himself to my mother while she was in the hospital pregnant with my brother. It is rumored to believe he also sexually abused his own daughter. Back to my father for a moment; he grew up with dyslexia during a time when you would be considered a dumb person. He also grew up in the late 50′s an 60′s when writing with your left hand was blasphemy. His teachers would slap him on the hand with wooden rulers. They both grew up in homes where they were not fostered or emotionally nourished. Mental wellness then was considered taboo as it still is today. Therefore neither of my parents sought any sort of counsel. There insecurities held them back from making any real connection with friends. Fast forward and my parents are married and have children. 

My older brother was a pyro since the age of 3 He crawled behind the appliances and stroke matches and thrown them down the vent.  You could say he was disturbed. He would chase me around the house with a can of aquanet hairspray and a lighter making a homemade blow torch. I would run to my room and brace myself against the bedroom door where he would then take a long hunting my knife my father gave him and stab it under the door.  That was not the only time he tried to harm me.  One fall evening we had a bonfire. My parents were inside and it was just the two of us. I turned my back to the fire to warm up. All the sudden I felt this swoosh of hot air ride up my back.  My brother threw gasoline on the fire and the flame came close to licking me and burning me. Needless to say I was always afraid of him however, I grew up thinking that this was part of sibling rivalry. 

I pause here. I joined Tumblr in an effort to share my feelings. Journaling has been suggested numerous times as a way to cope and express. It’s not really my medium, yet here I am.... 

[tuckeverlasting-thegirl]

So this is really just an emotional dump because this is causing a storm in my heart and I just want it to stop. At this moment, it is March 8, 2019 at almost 5:30 in the morning. Pictured above is my grandpa, a man who was more of a father to me than my own or my stepfathers. He was constant, he was loving, and he was someone I relied very heavily on. Today is his 68th birthday. However, on December 11, 2013 in the early afternoon, my grandfather committed suicide. We were devasted and his own grandchildren, his only grandchildren, were the last to know.

I'm not here because of all of this, not really. Instead, it's the ridiculous double standard of my own grandmother, his ex-wife of 16 years before his death, and someone he hadn't spoken to in 5 years because of his illness induced paranoria. The same grandmother who claims he didn't love her their entire marriage, claims he might have cheated on her. The same grandmother who has seen several men since their split/divorce (they were seperated for nearly decade before the divorce), while he never interacted with women outside of family and professional settings. I'm not saying he was perfect but I know for a fact she isn't innocent like she likes to claim. She even continues to refer to him as her deceased husband when she talks about him to strangers and acquaintances. But when she talks to her current man friend (she says they aren't dating but that's a whole other vent), it's suddenly her ex-husband.

Again, not really a reason, just a lil backstory and build up. Anyway because the 5 year anniversary was back in the December, I requested the day off. It's always been a hard time since then and the following year we had also lost my grandmother (again I was really close to her but I have a whole other rant surrounding that) on the 8th. When I told Grandma I taken the day off and I needed to spend time with my family, none of us should be alone that day, she looked at me and said that we needed to move on.

...

Move on. The woman who spent 3 years pulling him into every conversation and pulling him in every other conversation the next 2, was preaching to me about moving on. But it gets better.

Yesterday we were talking over dinner and she was talking about how she needed to get out the house today because she couldn't possibly stay home on this day. It's ok for her to be overly emotional about the 5th birthday without him, but I'm wallowing in the past thinking about a 5th Christmas without my Papa. Thinking about how he left things between us. But ya know what? That's cool. Whatever. Not the first time my feelings on the subject were dismissed. Ignored. I let it go on my behalf the first time. Felt bad for my siblings. My baby brother didn't really know the man and my older still can't talk about it to this day. They say death is suppose to bring a family together. Instead, it tore our family apart.

I also got to thinking about where I was a year ago. A year ago today, I was released from the hospital. I had been admitted on the 5th due to suicidal thoughts and self harm. I don't remember most of the year and a half before that. Nobody knew. And my family was utterly clueless. To this day my mom and grandmother don't actually believe I ever self harmed or planned my own death. Everytime Grandma goes ranting off about how she doesn't understand why he did it, I just look her in the eyes. "If you haven't been there, you don't understand. When it's that bad, you don't really think anything except 'oh my god, I'm hurting them, how could i hurt my family like this, maybe they'd be better off without me'. It hurts even more when all you can see is you hurting the one you care about." She always changes the subject after that.

This went off on a slightly wild tangent but then again, I'm tired and i have to be up in 3 hours so i don't really care. I feel a little better. Maybe I should share more often. Lemme know.

Laters.