#NO fun allowed. accomplish your task or flog yourself over it 10000 times.
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You would not believe how badly history is repeating itself.
#at least i had half a mind to not continue the piece angry. but man. it is deeply upsetting.#a part of me really wants to catch up on feh too but like. i have 'if you're sick enough to stay home#you're too sick to play video games' syndrome. i wasn't even raised like that i do this to myself.#NO fun allowed. accomplish your task or flog yourself over it 10000 times.#whenever i wanna ref heikala's work i should take that as a Sign. that it's so over for me.#i had a coffee but i don't even know what to do now. i'm just going to seethe over it. forever.#like i cannot emphasize how badly i feel like i'm Not Allowed to do anything else.#i feel like there's no way i'm gonna make it. like. i've gotten a p good sense of how much time goes into a piece actually#esp from this experience. not something i've EVER done before. but i do sort of have a measure on it now#and can conceptualize a rough estimate. for like each phase of the piece.#if it were a simplier piece MAYBE. i'd make it. but there are a lot of factors here that are adding to time/effort needed#like i've gotten really good at coloring. but this one requires something slightly different. a new technique essentially#something i think i'd have to practice at least a few dif times to really feel confident in using on a Piece#and in all of this i have to do it x2. i thought i was cheating the way i did it but i think i just made more work for myself.#it's just.... SO deeply upsetting........ bc it's not even a responsibility. this is something that is so significant to me personally.#idk i think you should all throw tomatoes at me and boo me off stage. never let me do this again.
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