#My pet fish died yesterday and I'm really upset about it

[4bsurdcreature]

[almostfini]

Yesterday was the birthday of my friend who died in November and it hit me really hard suddenly. It had been in the back of my mind all day but I had other things to distract me for a while. I didn't expect to have so many dead friends at 27. I thought I'd have more time to figure out how to deal with it. Or that some infection would take me out first.

A lot of people talk about when they first learned about death as children. Usually via a pet or an older relative. I never had that. I don't remember a time before I knew about death. My parents told me at least weekly that I was going to die someday, everyone would. I heard it at church 1-3 times a week. Growing up surrounded by farms added to the matter of factness of it. Everyone else seemed completely at peace with this fact. Around 5 or 6 years old is when I really began to understand my mortality. I'd nearly died a few times already but I had been too young to understand it. I had a breakdown in front of my mom where I decided I needed to dedicate my life to Jesus. I didn't want to but I knew I could die at any time and my parents told me even kids went to hell. This was a few months before my great grandma died. She was 92 and I didn't really know her that well so I wasn't that affected tbh. Until the funeral. Nobody had told me that it was an open casket or even that it was a thing! I was fucking HORRIFIED. I couldn't understand why anyone would parade the corpse of a dead woman around and leave her on display in a church. My grandma was crying, I'd never heard her cry before and hearing that and knowing I couldn't comfort her was even more upsetting.

A few years later I had some fish die. I felt partially responsible and wished I could have done more for them. (It was my parent's mediocre care that probably killed them but that's a point for another day).

My great grandpa died after a couple years of a terrifying brain disease. So I knew it was coming. He was a terrible bastard man though and even though I only knew part of it then I didn't feel the need to grieve.

Death mainly affected me through celebrities (Leonard Nimoy was the hardest) until I was 18 and my coworker's brother died suddenly and in a disturbing way I won't go into. I didn't know him that well but he was nice and hung out at the shop frequently and even though I wasn't sure I was queer yet it made me happy to know a gay man in his 50s or 60s.

My friend Lissa was only 45. She loved crochet and Doctor Who. Her last post was "I feel like I've been hit by a truck." She died of a heart attack a couple hours later.

James wasn't even 40. Yesterday would have been his 38th I think. 2 years of bowel cancer. He hung on for a lot longer than we expected. He loved cats, both the animal and the play and especially the 2019 movie. On at least 3 occasions he found himself caring for baby animals who seemingly threw themselves at him. He loved messing with electronics and was an amateur geologist. He was proudly bisexual and had the light up cat ears to prove it. He was a staunch defender of geese and racoons before it was cool. We had one fight ever and it resolved so kindly that it permanently improved my relationships going forward.

It feels childish to say it isn't fair. Of course it's not fair. Nothing to do about it. My life and relationships feel destabilized since he left us. The gap in my life is exponentially bigger than he was, like cutting a thread in the middle of a sweater and watching it fray. I know death is pointless but grief is meaningful. I'm trying to lean into it, into the fear and feelings of abandonment. Thank you if you read this far. I don't know if anyone else will get anything out of this but I'm not worse off for sharing it.

[sweater-daddiesdumbdork]

Amber!!!! I just LOVE your Ransom x kitten AU so much 🥺❤️

Now that he may be starting to catch feelings, could we get a glimpse of how Ransom would try to comfort reader when she was sad, please?! 🥺

I’m such a hoe for Ransom trying to awkwardly comfort 🥺❤️ It makes me so soft for that broken boy!

Love your writing, my talented friend 🫂❤️

What wouldn't this man do for Kitten? He just gonna deny it though, he has a supposed reputation as a play boy to maintain after all. LOL, thanks Carly! I love imagining Ransom getting all worked up wanting to make it better for her.

One Fish, Two Fish.

Summary- A fish passing brings up old memories and some unchecked feelings on Ransom's part.

Ransom x Kitten Masterlist

Ransom doesn't "do relationships"

He just doesn't. They are messy and complicated, more effort than he was willing to put effort into. Fucking with you and letting you go back to Neil was just better in the long run, you both had this understanding that even when you two werent together, you two were still able to enjoy the benefits of being together.

This really was a win win for everyone.

But when he called about a possible hook up, you sounded sad. The kind of sad that bled into his damn heart and made him want to make it better.

This was why he didnt want this. Your tone was close to teary on the other end and instead of hanging up, he asked you what was wrong.

"Nothing." You lied to him, sniffling. "I'm over reacting."

This was his chance to drop it, lay out his proposal and see what you said. But his heart was traitorous to his mind. "Kitten, you are a terrible liar, I thought I taught you how to do that properly. Now tell me what is wrong."

You gave a watery chuckle and relented easily. "You know that betta I insisted on buying?"

"The one you just had to have cause it looked sad at that pet store?" Ransom recalled it like it was yesterday even though it was years ago. Well before you two fought.

This half-dead betta was floating in one of those little plastic to go containers and you grabbed it like you were its last chance.

Fuck you might have been, he didn't know anything about fish.

You managed to talk him into getting all the stuff at that pet store while you held the fish container to your chest, now and then lifting it to talk to him, promise him that you were gonna give him a better life. Back then Ransom remembered thinking this was the dumbest thing he had done, save a fish. But for you, he would have.

After all, he was trying to score with you.

Now he looks back on that memory with a softer view, looking beyond getting his dick wet. You saw this tiny life that in the grand scheme of everything wouldn't have made a difference in the future, he thought back then.

Now, he wished he could bring that fish back for you.

"Yeah, I found him this morning." You sniffled. "He died."

"I'm sorry Kitten." He wracked his brain trying to think of what to say to make it better. "Um- Neil offer to go get you another one?"

"No, he didn't care about him. He just kinda brushed it off this morning."

Ransom could have sworn he saw red. How could that prick not even realize how much this would upset you? Even he knew that it would have made you sad for the day. "Kitten, you gave him a good life, much better than that shit establishment did."

"You really think so?" You asked, your tone softer, but less watery. Ransom could tell that you were feeling a bit better about it.

"Of course, he was just in that tiny little tub with nothing. You made me buy that large tank and all those plants for one fish."

"Well, he deserved it after what they put him in." You defended your choices, making Ransom chuckle on the phone.

"That fucking fish lived like he was Neptune. They all should get that lucky."

The phone call ended on a better note, no Ransom didn't get the exact hook-up results he wanted, but you were better when he hung up.

But he wasn't done there. Making a couple phone calls, Ransom had a delievery sent to your office. An arrangement of flowers with a small note tucked into it, as well as a gift card to the local pet store near your home.

~Go save another fish, Kitten.

The next morning he was sent a photo text of a little tiny fish in the big tank he had purchased for you way back then.

~Meet Neptune!

~He is a little scrawny minnow, isn't he?

~Why he came home with me.