#My mental health issues will always hold me back to some degree and I'll never be normal but like...

[mrfoox]

Let's take a moment here to just.... Think about myself again.

5 years ago I could never see myself living on my own, working at any capacity and much less feel happy

Guess who's doing all those things? Yeahhhhhhh

I laugh everytime I say it out loud but I am basically living my dream life. Only a few things off the mark

[nuoyipeach]

No Doctor Could Help When I'm Love-sick

Park Sooyoung X Nakamoto Yuta

warnings!: slight violence, mature scenes, mental health issues

tags: @yutahoes

"I'm off to work, don't do anything stupid." Sooyoung announced as she bent to put on her shoes. As she finished and stood straight, a pair of hands wrapped around her waist, a body suddenly clinging on to her making her sigh.

"Skip today."

"And who's gonna pay for the bills?" she answered sarcastically.

The man chuckled, and brought his lips closer to her ear. "If you'd let me go back to work, then maybe I could help out."

Sooyoung moved out of his hold and grabbed his face, looking worriedly at him. "I'd rather work my butt off for you to stay at home than that." she scowled. "You promised me Yuta, you'll never think or speak of it..."

She knew Yuta since college, and they became close friends, and she fell in love. After graduation, he disappeared, but her feelings didn't, and during her internship at the hospital she found him again.

In the psych ward.

She found out from Johnny, a mutual friend, he started doing odd jobs around the town to earn extra at the beginning of his degree, but through one ended up doing some dirty work for a mafia. He left before they could drag him in anymore, but the deeds had been done, he had blood on his hands, and the trauma lead to several nights where he couldn't sleep, the image of his actions floating in his mind. And then he lost it, he played with knives, the weapon he used, almost hurting the people around him, and in the end his friends had him admitted into the hospital.

She asked permission to join in on his treatment, and it was through that process she found out he loved her too, evident of all the times he scratched her name into whatever he could find (including his arm).

Yuta was stubborn, he yelled at the doctors every day, always the same thing that he couldn't be cured. But one look at the woman he crushed on and he felt better. He wanted to get better for her, and his improvements convinced the doctors he was OK to be released.

Though his dangerous habits of playing with knives and anything sharp remained, Sooyoung lived with it, she trusted he wouldn't hurt anyone or anything, and also made it a rule to never speak of his past. And he lived by it. Every day she'd go to work, he'd stay home finishing the list of chores she'd leave him. She found that he would keep himself busy by trying to please her, and used it as an advantage to keep his mind off of anything dangerous he might think of.

Smiling back at her, he moved forward and kissed her, and Sooyoung wasn't one to reject his affection. They pulled away and she brushed his hair down with her fingers. "Get the list done, OK? I'll be back soon today." she pecked him once more before going to the door, turning back for a quick second. "I love you."

That made Yuta feel even happier than ever, hearing those words from her were the only thing better than being with her. "I love you too!" he cheered causing her to giggle before she finally left. He turned back to the apartment and sighed. "Alright. Let's get this list done, she'll be so happy."

>>>

Sooyoung froze on confusion hearing the person on her phone.

"I assume you're his emergency contact from the bracelet, he's currently admitted to the ----- Hospital psych ward."

Yuta was in the same hospital she worked at, as a psych patient, again. Instead of answering she simply ran off from chatting with her coworkers and headed towards where she knew patients were kept. She walked around, heart in her throat from fear and worry, trying to find any sign on him, until she heard some male voices yelling.

Following the voices she arrived at a padded room, where she saw 4 male staff trying their best holding Yuta from escaping, and one more trying to get the knife out of his grip. "Stop! You're hurting him! It only makes things worse!"

The doctor in charge turned, confused by Sooyoung's presence especially after noticing her tag saying gynaecology. "I'm his wife, and I've treated him before." Sooyoung explained. "Don't use force, tell them to leave the room and let me in, I know what to do."

The doctor looked sceptical, but nodded and called the men out from the room. The moment Yuta felt free he dropped to the ground, breathing heavily for a few second before looking towards the soft walls. "Yuta..." If it wasn't for the familiar voice, he would have started stabbing them immediately.

He slowly turned as the door shut, and saw the figure of his wife. She had taken off her white coat, a reminder to him that she was here as nothing but his wife, and walked closer to him. She sat on her knees in front of him and cupped his cheeks to make him face her, and saw his eyes soften once they made eye contact.

"Let me." she spoke softly, taking the knife from his hand and tossing it aside. His tears started, and like a child he moved into her embrace, crying into her chest. "It's OK, it's OK. Talk to me when you're ready. I won't leave you." She hugged him, kissing the top of his head every few seconds.

Sooyoung peeked and saw the doctor had switched off the tint from the window, his and the attendees faces in awe at how she managed it so well. It wasn't even in her department, yet she was quicker at the job than him.

Slowly Yuta moved out of her hold and looked at her. "I went out because we ran out of eggs... this man tried to harm a woman... I tried to stop him but then he tried to stab me... that knife is his... I grabbed it..." he showed his bandaged palms, tears forming in his eyes again.

Sooyoung held his hands and caressed the bandages, noticing him hiss softly at the pain. She held his face again and spoke softly. "I'll get your report, and we'll go home together. I'm not leaving until you're discharged." she kissed his cheek before getting up, pulling him to stand with her and sat him on the bed. "Be good, please." she pleaded, and he nodded.

As she left the room with the knife, the doctor stared at her still in shock, and before he could ask she was already answering. "I've known him many years, he's like this because of severe trauma. And yes, call me crazy, but I married him even after. I still love the man he was, and he still is that man, when he's not triggered." She put her coat back on before reaching for the report, filling in the contact section. "I'd like for him to get discharged soon. The longer he's kept here the worse his condition will get. I'll be waiting here until then. And if you'd like, I will consent to sending you updates on him for a certain period, but trust me as soon as he's home, give him two days and he'll be normal again."

That was a half lie. He'd be normal, but his normal wouldn't be considered so by the doctors considering he still plays with sharp objects. But Sooyoung knew he meant no danger to anyone, as long he wasn't triggered by anything.

In two days Yuta was home as promised, and the first thing the couple did was take a shower together. Yuta sat on the shower bench while Sooyoung washed his hair since his hands still had fresh wounds. He wrapped his arms around her waist and leaned his head against her tummy while she washed the suds off his hair, smiling at the way he moved into her touch when she combed through it.

"Alright mister, my turn." she pushed him out only to see him pout.

"Can I watch?"

Sooyoung scoffed and laughed at him, but nodded as she turned away to wash herself this time. And all Yuta did was really just sit and watch. Whenever Sooyoung would walk around partially or fully naked, he would simply stare and smile, as if eyeing the most beautiful artwork he had seen.

And she loved that about him, the way he would just stare at her as if its the first time seeing her like that, sometimes throwing in random compliments about any and every part of her.

Like he did now in the shower. "My wife has such a sexy back." he blurted, causing her to laugh as she turned back to him shaking her head. "I wish I could help you wash up today..." he said more softly, sounding dejected.

Sooyoung turned to him and smiled, cupping his cheeks in her hands. "The moment your hands heal and you can touch water and work with them, we'll take a shower again together before anything else, OK?". He pouted with a nod, and they soon finished their shower.

She helped him to bed, caressing her fingers through his hair as he laid his head on her chest while she watched the TV in their bedroom. Yuta was quick to fall asleep, snuggling into her which caused her to chuckle. She looked down at her husband's face, sleeping peacefully, the sweetest man she's known. There was nothing but innocence in this man (maybe except for when they're intimate) and it hurt her, a sudden wave of sadness crashing over her mind as she wondered how could someone like him get into a situation like that.

She turned off the TV and scooted down a bit, pulling him closer as he unconsciously followed, nuzzling into her chest. She played with his hair as memories of what everyone around her had said came back when she was marrying this man.

Her family. You're doing so well in life, why are you taking in this kind of a set back. He's psycho, he'll destroy you, why him?

Her friends. We know you love him, but do you really think he's worth it?

His family. Are you sure? We won't blame you if you want to leave him.

His friends. We haven't given up on him, but why are you trying to accept him the way he is? He should fix himself for you.

There's a reason she keeps limited contact with everyone. No one deserves to know what they're going through, whether good or bad.

Yuta knew she saw him the way no one else did, or ever would. What he did was just a facade, she knew inside he was a scared man. And the recent accident was proof of it. He didn't harm anyone, yet harmed himself, and resisted whoever approached him aggressively.

She noticed all this, and knew exactly how to love him. She knew him, inside and out. Even when his psych evaluator questioned her as a doctor, she'd say the same thing.

Love is love, it's the best medicine, yet an incurable disease.

Sooyoung kissed his hair before closing her eyes, hugging him tighter, and whispered as she drifted off to sleep. "I love you Yuta. No matter what you're going through, I'll always love you."

>>>

another rushed ending😓 haven't been able to fixate endings recently despite having all the plotlines figured out hhhhh

also I know lovesick means smthg different, but that's why I named it love-sick heh I just liked the title too much🙂

[ainulindaelynn]

WIP Game: ACO 7, 8, and 9 please??

Ahhhh, the ones I wrote first and am dying to publish xD

Unfortunately, they rely on earlier details to some degree, so I'm holding back for now. There's 60k+ words sitting among those at present and more I'd love to do with every single one of them.

This'll be lengthy since it's three!

----------

ACO 7 - Underworld

This is a complete rewrite of that segment. It isn't Aletheia who sends her there though; it's Pythagoras (the shitty dad we all know him to be), who wants that artifact from Cerberos. This is the bit that started my ACO writing... It came together in my head WAY before I finished the game and knew the details, so originally it was a workaround for the First Blade DLC. I felt if Ubi really wanted to force the issue, was a more obvious answer to the lineage question and we were going subterranean anyway... 👀

I've since changed course on that completely (redeemed Deimos gets to do the Macedonia DLC later, bypassing the issue), but its still a very smutty, sentimental, angsty piece, where she and Brasidas finally come to terms (too late) with what's between them. They're both able to help a LOT with each other's healing journeys and he gives her a tool that readies her for her confrontation with Deimos. Phoibe is also central to this one <3

A snippet:

"You don't know what a shield means, so don't lecture me on it," he snapped, tone suddenly vicious. "You've never been in the phalanx, knowing in your bones what's staked on it holding - on the one beside you holding. 'Foot beside foot, resting shield against shield, crest beside crest, helm beside helm'," he quoted, every word rising from the bedrock of his being. Then his voice softened in a way she hated to hear and when she glanced up his eyes were sharp. "I'll never forget the day they first handed it to me. I was a boy; it was as tall as I was. My commander told me, 'To hold this up is to hold up Sparta. Drop it, and Sparta falls'."

She shook her head, furious.

More of the same propaganda that threw innocent children from Taygetos and raised their killer a hero.

His voice was stern. "How many of my men died at Amphipolis?"

"You were the last. The seventh. The Athenians lost six-hundred."

He nodded, dismissive.

"And how many have fallen since?"

Her eyes narrowed, sensing the trap.

"I can't make you understand the way it is in the lists," he growled, stalking toward and around her, "but those men were mine. And I was theirs. I had sworn myself to them. Six Spartans and six-hundred Athenians, you say? It was by my command that they lived at Amphipolis. That was my responsibility to them. I made the decisions that kept them alive. I've seen each of those cross the river Styx alone. And I'll see countless more before this war is done. And that is my failure. I let my shield fall and they are the ones who will pay for it with their lives.

She shook her head, trying to understand. "You can't blame yourself for dying, Brasidas."

"I can," he said, voice sharp, "because I didn't do it for them. And I would make that same choice again, even against my oath." The anger left his tone then. "That is why I'm here, Kassandra."

----------

ACO 8 - The End

This one ties together the game's Family and Cult endings. I always felt really weird about the fact that Deimos just sits at home while you finish the other storyline. It's a quick rewrite of the Taygetos scene, adding layers from my personal Athens captivity portion and my background mental health and trauma-recovery. Then there's a brief split while Kassandra finds her last cultist (and Alexios spends time with Myrinne), and then they come together, travel to Delphi, and take on Aspasia as a pair. This sets the stage for the relationship they build going forward.

A snippet:

She’d been keeping an eye on him all afternoon, watching the restless tension of his body like a rope frayed down to its last strand, hopelessly taut and precarious. For her, every mile away from Phokis brought her down by a notch, but for Alexios it seemed to have no effect. At times she even worried it was worsening, waiting for some excuse to snap. 

“He looks like a wild boar…,” Barnabas said quietly, uncharacteristically. 

It seemed she’d finally found the one thing that tempered the man’s boisterous nature - fearing being overhead by the god of terror himself. She smiled at the thought.

“…Like one snap of a twig and the first unlucky bastard in his path will be sent skyward with his entrails on the outside of his body.”

She raised her eyebrows, amusement overshadowed by a long, contemplative exhale.

----------

ACO 9 - Post-Game

This one is all about family. Kassandra comes home to find her footing, finally processing everything, and stays with Alexios as he struggles to find himself in the absence of his entire identity. They become very close, despite the rawness of their relationship.

There are also some obstacles here, for example, Sparta sees only Deimos, the child they rightly rejected. He is an enemy and a lone wolf in collectivist Sparta, a tension Kassandra feels as well. Nikolaos also makes his return to Sparta and comes under the kings' judgement to atone for his desertion nearly a decade earlier. It's all very messy.

A snippet:

"I aimed at him to strike at you," Alexios said slowly, enunciating each word as if he were sharpening a blade, stroke by stroke, and watching to see what he evoked. "I want you to hear that. I need you to know it was personal."

Time slowed between them, frozen in the silence. She could feel every muscle in her body coiled tight at the confession.

In that silence he continued, each word carefully considered. "And at Pylos, when you leaped to defend him, you were like the goddess herself, full of righteous wrath. I knew it was true after that. And I slaughtered him for it - slaughtered him to get to you."

His posture was soft despite the words.

"Why are you telling me this?" she hissed.

"I don't want secrets between us, sister. If this is to work, there can be no secrets. Or at least there can be no lies." His eyes were gentle, his shoulders hung low, arms crossed as he leaned back against the stones.

She looked away, scanning out across the view. Her eyes closed for a second, breathing deeply.

"Who was he to you?" he asked again, this time more gently.

—————

WIP List is here for anyone interested :)

[soggypotatoes]

oh man, I'm doing pretty well today, but just had a Moment after I went on FB and saw my oldest childhood friend (haven't spoken to her in like 6 years) and saw a bit of what she's been up to. it's mad, I'm happy for her, she seems really successful and like she's doing pretty well as an opera singer (crazy!!) and she still goes by the nickname I gave her when we were teens (also crazy!! her FB name is still that, and everyone in her comments was using it, just weird to me that I still have some minute impact on her life like that). I did feel a bit .. uh, jealous though, because like. she also has mental health issues, s/elf ha/rmed before I did, and she has multiple jobs now and even though I know that's just surface stuff it still bites when I look around my messy room and the way I've never managed to hold a job at 26, or study or anything (she has a degree too) I just feel... idk. I know I've come so far and done a lot of work, I know that rationally, it's just hard to see as valid progress when other people younger than me have full degrees and jobs and shit. even when they have mental illness too!! and I know it's different, everyone's different, but it hurts that they can do it and I cant. I'm just here, spending most of my time for years trying to keep myself alive. it's important work, there's nothing else I can do, if I set all that aside and worked I would probably... well. I won't go there. but yeah. feeling a little strange.

anyway, I felt the urge to close the app and get upset about it, but decided to send her a message instead. just asking how she is. last things she sent were a few messages years ago I never responded to sending photos of us as kids and stuff. made me sad, cause I know back then I was way too involved with my fear to even check my messages. I just assumed that if someone was messaging me they were saying things that would hurt me. don't think it occurred to me then that maybe she'd just want to reminisce. no wonder I'm so detached from all the people I used to hang out with.

I want things to change. I just... honestly don't know what to say when people ask what I've been up to. I'm already half regretting sending that message, cause now she's gonna ask and what do I say??? haven't been studying, working, dating... Ive had a lot of therapy, that's it lol. I could say that, I just dont know how to really. I'll figure it out when she responds I guess

ETA 2 things: 1. I'm actually 25 for another month, don't know why I said 26, thinking in the future as always I guess and

2. just remembered she used to follow me here lol, her blog is deleted though so I think I'm safe.. anyway if u see this no u don't

[yoificfinder]

Hello! Thank you so much for running this blog, it’s been really helping me out. I haven’t been feeling great these past few days and was wondering if you have any recs for fics that you have found lifted your mood? Silly, fluffy, or just a fic that is immersive and really takes your mind off things? Sorry that it’s not specific, I am sure anything would be fine. I’ve been loving all your other recs too!

Hello nonnie, I'm sorry you're feeling that way. I think we're collectively feeling varying degrees of sadness these times, moreso for people with pre-existing mental health issues, due to the pandemic. Personally, it's been this way for me for more than a year now because of a devastating loss and I think I'll never be the same again. I just hope that things get better as time passes. And I try to get all the happiness I can, however fleeting it may seem, from things (and people) that make me happy.

So for my go-to fics, please check out "personal favorites" in the masterlist since all the fics and authors I love are all there. But for something more specific, I'd definitely mention:

Just Hold On (We're Going Home) by @kiaronna - This is the YOI fic I've reread the most (like, more than 10 times) because for me, it's just so perfect! I come back to it every time I want to feel a certain way because hnnng All. The. Feels!!! Tbh, angst comes up more than fluff in me with this one. I cry literally every reread. Don't get me wrong, it's not that sad and it definitely has a lot of fluffy/funny scenes but Idk, the feelings it evokes in me... Hurts so good!! (There's this particular scene/line that just really gets to me.) I think it's also because of the catharsis I feel every reread (since I always have a good cry but it has a perfect resolution) that this story has a special place in my heart.

on growing; by @crossroadswrite - Another one that I always come back to when I want to feel happy. It's a kid fic (Yuri as a toddler son of Victor is gold!) so lots of family feels but there's also friendship, romance, love of oneself, one's work/passion, and fandom--basically also all the things that made me love YOI itself! This fic is really funny too, it makes me laugh out loud! But there are also certain moments that are really serious/deep, it keeps you on your toes (and might make you shed a few tears). I'd also be remiss not to mention the A+ social media posts. In short, this fic has everything and I love it!

Winter Song by proantoganist (I'm so sad that she deactivated her social media accts edit: she's back as @proantagonista) - This is one of, if not my most favorite YOI fic! It's a canon fill-in-the-gaps fic then continues beyond canon events and I can't gush about it enough!!! The writing--characterization, plot flow and pacing, and prose--just !!! (sorry if I'm incoherent and this is just really full of exclamation marks but I feel like I can't articulate enough how much I love this fic.) If you love YOI, then you should definitely read this fic.

The fics above are more on the lengthy side so if you want instant gratification, I also recommend these collections of one-shots:

Drunk on You by kiaronna - A collection of Victuuri soulmate AU one-shots and every single one is 👌👌👌

Three Prompts AU Collection by rinsled05 / @dreaming-fireflies - Ficlets of integrated prompts/AUs (e.g., serial killer, fairy, culinary); this is full of originality and creativity

I hope this helps, dear nonnie. I'm really glad this blog and my fic recs can help you in some way. ❤

(P. S. Writing why I love and recommend these fics is such a good exercise and feels more personal since I normally do my usual format of reccing fic with just the title, author, rating, word count and letting the summary speak for the story. Can't do this for everything tho so I'll be back to regular programming. Just know that the fact that I recommended something in this blog means that I really enjoy(ed) it, can guarantee that it's good, and would love for other people to discover or be reminded of these gems too.)