#My grandpa died on Thanksgiving & i couldn't be there

[ianswerstuff]

When I was around six-seven, I used to play this Pokemon game called pokepark. And there was this shadow area I wanted to get to.

And one day, after 3-4 hours of "grinding" I had made it. I had finally done it and I can even remember the joy of randomly trying to get in like always and it working.

And there was this Pokemon I wanted to be friends with, but it was hard, it was a tag that I definitely couldn't do first try, and I wanted to get done before I "logged off". But my parents really wanted me to quit. And I could tell they were getting pretty mad and that I had to leave before, but I just wanted to finish one last tag.

But then my dad turned off the Wii, but what he didn't know was that the game didn't have auto saving, so I just lost it all.

And I remember the frustration, the instant realisation that I lost it all. Coming and just mindlessly retrying to enter the area.

And I cried a lot, instantly but apparently also way later. My mom told me I cried a month later because I thought about it. And I just stopped playing that game. And I think, as stupid and privileged as this might sound, that this was one of the worst events in my life.

I mean, I'm pretty young, I've never broken up with someone(cause I didn't start). I wasn't too attached to my grandpa when he died. I had lots of cats die before I can remember, and I don't think it was that bad. I was ready for my dog's death. Not that attached to our goats. I loved more than I missed, in general.

And sure, I've had way worst periods of my life than when I was 6 to 7 years old. But the fact that off the top of my head, I can't really find any worst event makes me think, that I'm really lucky.

And I guess that's what I'm thankful for this year's thanksgiving.

The teacher: Oh, uhh.. Okay. Wow, anyone else?

[poppyred18]

The end of something

The day I thought would never come, came and went. My paternal grandmother died. At the ripe old age of 91, she was no more, and was swiftly buried next to Grandpa A. There are things I will miss...memories I won't let go of. But most of all - remembering how I was shunned by my father's strict Norwegian family first for not being a boy, and secondly for being myself (who was not a pretty girl growing up). I'll remember not being invited to holiday meals - I stayed at my mother's house those weekends. I'll remember when they forgot to pick me up for Christmas dinner. I'll remember my last Thanksgiving in America more than 20 years ago, where I was with my uncle and aunt instead with my other grandparents. I'm sure I must have been loved by the now dead Grandma C. But When and Why couldn't I be loved like my cousins? Why did I have to be excluded as I was? Can I forgive her? I'm not sure. Even if she now is dead. Never punish children for being different...

[hooliganpearl]

Vent post, death ment//

Anyway to sum up the last three months of 2021:

Me and my family get strep throat or some kind of cold and stay home for about a week. We find out my neighbor died of covid. My brother gets sick again a week after we were already sick, and tests positive for covid, meaning we all have to quarantine for two weeks. That means I've now missed three weeks of work and school. RIGHT at the end of the quarantine period, my mom and I get sick, and then test positive for covid after testing negative two times before this during the quarantine period. This is October 28. I was supposed to be able to be out of quarantine to see my gf and a few friends for Halloween, and I was so excited to dress up cause my costume was killer. Whatever man. My dad gets sick and figures it's also covid so we all stay home for two more weeks. Towards the end of that, my childhood dog starts getting really ill. Quarantine finally over, we come out of it healthy to find out that my grandmother is in hospice care and isn't expected to make it past Thanksgiving. The last day I have class before Thanksgiving break is the only time I'd be able to go see her in hospice care with my siblings, so I yet again skip class, having missed what six weeks now. The day after I see my grandma, I finally get to go see my gf again. I'm sitting on the couch with her when my dad calls me and tells me my dog died. Awesome. Thanksgiving was relatively chill, my grandpa was understandably upset. The following week, the week before finals, on Thursday, the only day of the week I had class, I'm told my grandmother passed away. So I don't go. Again. The next week is the final, which I had given up all hope of passing so I just skipped it, because I truly couldn't bear to sit through it. So, I for sure failed that class. That was the beginning of December. The rest of December was relatively calm, my second cousin who was coming to Christmas got covid, but she's okay. And now it's the new year. It was just really crazy and honestly a shit show for those last few months. I've had to make an appeal to go back to school this semester, because I've failed too many classes. I truly think I would have done better this semester had I not had to quarantine for so long and then also dealing with two deaths. Bleh. Sorry.

[thetaylorfiles]

I can't believe that anon had the audacity to say that. No surprise coming from gaylors and tinhats who think taylor and her team are sending them clues. I'm so sorry to hear about your brother. I lost my grandpa 2 years ago my first family loss and it was the worst thing in my life it still causes me anxiety. Couldn't eat for a week. I can't sleep some nights because my anxiety is high thinking about how I can't live my life if another family member dies. I'm also introverted so high anxiety

I’m really sorry to hear that, anon. Grief is the very worst thing someone can experience (with a few exceptions relating to violence against your person). I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. It knocks the wind out of you and makes everything bleak, like the hope of ever feeling normal again is a fairy tale belonging to others. It takes years to feel okay again, but even then, you’ll never be over it.

It’s been almost 10 years so I am healed in a lot of ways. But every year when fall hits, it knocks me sideways (he died a few days after my birthday and thanksgiving so I’m always reminded. Those days are forever tainted and bittersweet and full of trying to be strong and crying and making different memories). My son is so much like my brother and I can’t even let myself think of how much I’d kill for them to know each other. How he could’ve helped my boy and been someone who got him in a way that I can’t. It’s just all so hard.

As you know, it gets easier as time goes on and you get used to your new normal. But I hear you on the anxiety. Now you know what it feels like to lose someone you can’t believe you’re going to have to feel that way again when you inevitably lose someone else. So I get you and I hope that you don’t lose anyone else for a very very long time. Feel free to dm me if you are ever feeling sad or anxious. I’m happy to listen or talk.

Sorry for such a downer of a reply. Hope that person never comes back around. That was a shit thing to say. And thank you for sharing your story with me.

[starshiprangerash]

I'm just gonna talk about some personal stuff, essentially dumping everything in this post. I don't expect anyone to read it, hence the read more cut. I just want to type it all out, I think it'll help a lot. So feel free to ignore this.

Let me just recap this year a little, well over a year.

So, about October of last year my dad got an infection. Now I don't what kind, or how, or anything. He wasn't keen on telling us stuff. But he couldn't had this, cause I was the one who had to stay with him to make sure he took his medicine.

And things seemed to pretty fine, and then July happened. And oh boy did the universe decide to have some fun timing.

So, June 30th, Techno's dad posts the video announcing that sadly Techno had lost his battle to cancer.

July 1st, I wake up go downstairs, ans my mom tells me my aunt has cancer. (here's a fun fact I only have 2 aunts, and the other one died from cancer a few years ago)

And then the end of the month comes along, where me and my sister go on vacation with my dad's girlfriend's family. During which my dad has to go back home for a doctor's appointment. While he's gone, me and my sister find out, he wasn't fine. He had been in and out of the hospital for months. That realization hurt. We all thought he was doing fine. So when he comes back, I tell him he can't hide that, we want to know, and there's an agreement reached.

August 10th, I have the most interesting first 20 minutes of consciousness. Cause hey that's when Oli posted his first Empire's video. And it's also when my dad got admitted in the hospital. And it's also when my mom came into my room to tell me my grandpa had cancer.

And thus began the month where someone was in the hospital all the time. And I'm not exgerrating, I kept track. The longest no one was in the hospital was 18 hours. Either my dad, grandpa, or grandma was in the hospital. Sometimes all at once. Yippee.

And then September. The first to be exact. My mom comes into my room to wake me up. They had to intubate my dad. My sister was coming soon, and we were going to go over to say our goodbyes. Luckily he pulled through. The 10th, Grandpa is rushed to the hospital. He never leaves. He died on the 15th. I didn't much care, he was a miserable man who made everyone around him miserable. But it still happened. Didn't hit till two days ago when the Christmas Eve party text went out. He always played piano.

And things liked good after that. My aunt was getting chemo, grandma was doing fine for her age, and my dad was getting stronger. He's eating, he's trying to talk. We visited on Thanksgiving.

December 3rd. My dog's barking wakes me up. I text my mom asking if she wants me to send him down or if I should wait, cause I know she might be cleaning the floors. She just says my sister is coming. My sister arrives, and they both come into my room. The first thought that passes through my head was "The last time they had to sit down like this was when my cat died while I was at work" almost jokingly say that. Only reason I don't is cause I get a message that distracts me long enough for my sister to rip the band-aid off.

And I understood what people meant when they say "time stood still" or "they felt the world flip upside down" Cause that's what happened. Two words. Two words I haven't been able to repeat.

Look my dad wasn't the world's best dad, but goddammit he was mine. And it's been in waves. Like that first day I was a wreck, and yes I went to work. It helped. It was a distraction. Every person who found out (either from putting two and two together or from a text I had my sister send cause I couldn't) asked me why I was there? Cause i needed to be, not in a work way, but in a distraction way.

Also I should mention, my mom's birthday is December 5th, ain't that some funny timing as well.

I guess this is the part where I ramble. Cause I haven't been able to fully process this. Or maybe I yell cause it's not fucking fair. Cause it isn't. My grandpa who was a shitty person got so much time with his kids. Ans he fucking wasted it, leaving a mess in his wake. My dad got so little with his. My grandpa saw one of his grandkids get married. My dad didn't even see his kids get married. He deserved more. Maybe I deserved to have a dad longer. I don't know.

I do know my life is different. I do know I'll have to process this with more than just jokes. I also know I'm tired of "are you alright?" I know I'm tired of "I'm sorrys".

If you did read this, just know I know. You're thinking you wish well wishes, thoughts prayers, virtual hugs, or whatever. I know. And while I do appreciate it, I don't need to read it. Just know I know and appreciate it. Or maybe do tell. I don't know. This whole grief and healing thing is confusing. I don't like it. But I can't avoid it. Is that why people still say all those things? Cause it helps the process. You can't deny or ignore it. Maybe. I don't know.

But I do know I need to end this with those two words. The words said to me on December 2nd. The two words I haven't said. The two words that changed my life. The two words I refuse to type. (though it'll be three in this case)

My dad died.