#My brain has just attached itself to another guilty pleasure

[iceinwhb]

I spent more than two days editing the same video, and another day, because of Michael's prototype making his weird faces, U know, that this just…

...

... My brain just fell out.

Cosplay~

[winteriron-trash]

You are awesome, I totally love your blog, it gives me life and actual motivation to keep living. You help me through my depression and I love you for it thank you Also you are an amazing writer and I'm platonically in love with you From one writer to another

You know something? 

I opened this notification while I was cooking dinner for myself. I just saw the beginning, starting along the lines of me being awesome and whatnot, and I was already planning a playful response, something along the lines of asking who paid you, grinning to myself as I listened to my fries cook. I was swaying back and forth, jittering and wiggling around because fuck knows I can’t stand still for shit.

And when I actually read the entire ask, I honest to god paused. I stood still, and the further I got into the ask the more I felt like every single thing just stilled around me.

Because I’ve gotta be honest here. I get a lot of compliments. On my writing, on my blog, on my opinions, on my existence in general. From friends, long-time followers, strangers. I just get a lot of it. My Ao3 inbox is currently at 88 messages, and I clean it out weekly. I get new comments on my most popular fics on Tumblr daily.

And to be quite frank, you do get numb to it. The first kudos I got on Ao3 meant the world to me, and now sweet comments on my stuff get a passing smile and quick thanks. It’s not that I don’t appreciate them, it’s more like they’re just a part of my life. Something I’ve taken for granted, really.

Which is it of itself is a thing I feel so honestly grateful I can say. That I’m used to compliments so much that they’re just a daily part of my online presence. There was a time when a “loved this!” on a fic would’ve made me want to run a mile out of joy, and I don’t run. Now it takes a seriously long and well thought out comment to even leave a lasting effect on me. 

Which is funny, because like everyone else, I crave validation. I crave attention, I want people to love me and what I create. I still obsessively check my notifications on every social media when I wake up and when I go to sleep. It’s an addiction. So I’m stuck in this oxymoron of a situation where praise barely registers to my brain that craves it. It’s a self-centred sort of cycle I think a lot of creators go through, really. It leads to anxieties and doubts that no one really likes me, that I’ve inflated my own self-worth, that I’m not nearly as important as I think, or important at all.

But anyways, I’m rambling.

The point is, I don’t get messages much often that really just make me stop. Stop thinking about the validation of the message, stop thinking about my own ego and whether to comment was made because someone wanted to make me feel better or if they actually liked what I made.

Getting messages like this? If I can be all honest and wax poetic here (as if I haven’t already been already) it’s just indescribable. I’m a writer, I’ve written a thousand emotions I’ll never feel, I’ve written in a language that has over 200k words. And yet when I try to describe how reading that ask makes me feel, I suddenly feel illiterate.

Because it’s so hard to comprehend. How can I convince myself that I’ve impacted a stranger so much, I might’ve indirectly saved their life? How do I tell myself that some dorky blog I made on a whim about a couple of fictional characters gives someone enough happiness to keep going? How do I attach my existence to something so substantial?

The answer is, I can’t. I’ll never really wrap my head around it. I’ll always stare at this ask the same way I did when I first read it, the same way I stare at it for a solid twenty minutes trying to come up with an answer that was enough to validate its’ existence. To validate my existence, really.

Because when it comes down to it, addiction to praises aside, I’m really just a nobody. I’m just a 16 yr old girl lying in my bed on a Friday night listening to some guilty pleasure country music, eating a giant pile of french fries. I’m just the same as anyone else, so why do I deserve this? Why do I deserve any of the praise I receive, especially when I dismiss it so easily?

I don’t. I never will, really. Not by my standards, anyway. But getting messages like this, god, it makes me want to try. Stuff like this reminds me that I need to appreciate this stuff because I really don’t know who’s behind the screen when they’re reading my fics, or laughing at my silly personal stories. I don’t know who’s one anonymous message away from telling me the same thing you have and might always stay that way because they’re too shy. I don’t know who I’ve affected.

But I know I’ve affected people, and I hope to continue to affect them in ways like this. Because I’m a nobody, but that doesn’t have to stop me from being the best nobody I can be.

I don’t think to say ‘thank you’ feels like enough, or even feels like the right answer here. I wrote you an essay, and I could write you another one, just thinking about this ask. Trust me, Anon, you’re going to be in my thoughts for a long time.

I wish you the best in life, Anon. I hope life gets better, and I hope that I can continue to help you, and you can learn to help yourself.

As always, my dms and inbox are open for anyone who needs to talk. I’m here for all of you, even if you’re too scared to speak up, I hope you know I might not know you, but I’m here for you. I’ll always be.

[daughteroflefay]

DIANA EXAMINATION

Tagged by: stolen, like the appalling thief I am. Tagging: you. Yes, you. You must suffer, just like I did.​

LAYER ONE: THE OUTSIDE.

NAME: Diana Le Fay-Odinsdottir. EYE COLOR: Green. HAIR STYLE/COLOUR: A wild mane of green hair, running down all the way to her lower back, contained in a ponytail. HEIGHT: 6′3″ CLOTHING STYLE: It varies depending on the occasion. While she’s out hunting it’s usually drab, comfortable fatigues that conceal her shape and offer easy movement; when she’s out on some occasion it’s a skirt and turtleneck sweaters, usually in some dark shade; but the attire she’s the most attached to is what she wears while teaching - an azure summer dress, with poofy half-sleeves and a yellow ribbon around her collar. It’s an old piece of clothing of hers, but she maintains it with meticulous care. Any question as to why is met with a shrug and a giggle. BEST PHYSICAL FEATURE: Despite her round, soft face, she’s an absolute predator. She doesn’t look like an exceedingly ripped amazon - and she isn’t, indeed, though she is absolutely made of wiry, taught muscles under her clothes - but through some quirk of fate or of her ascendancy she is able to punch way over her weight category. She has fought several animals larger than she is tall, with nothing but a spear to her name; she still does so regularly. Would it be enough to go mano-a-mano with a pokémon? Who knows. She is in no hurry to try, to be sure.

LAYER TWO: THE INSIDE.

FEARS: Something hurting her children is probably the top of the pile, here. And the scope is not limited to the ones currently in her care, either - she has passed a sleepless night or two the couple of times a careless adolescent got too ambitious with their escapades and got hurt. GUILTY PLEASURE(S): Does hunting count? I believe hunting counts. It’s a weird hobby, for someone otherwise so kindly, but it is deeply enchained with a cold, savage part of herself she prefers to keep sated in this way. It also fills a curious hole deep down in her soul, one that longs for a more primal, more crude way of life. It is nature she longs for, in its less civilized form, the one most see only through documentaries - and even there in edulcorated shapes, through filters and masks that hide the bare instinct beneath. BIGGEST PET PEEVE(S): She hates, with a passion, parents who keep their children inside a glass dome, insulating them from any and all experiences, any and all problems. One can worry, worry to death if needed; but children, by their own existence, need to grow up and learn. And if learning must necessarily pass through some bruised knees... well, so be it. AMBITIONS FOR THE FUTURE: Ambition? What is ambition? Diana is basically an empty shell, in that regard, so taken by her existence that she fails to see anything further, anything more. And, given her... abilities, more would well be available to her; but still she waits and she faffs, as the years pass without really touching her. That will have to change at some point... right?

LAYER THREE: THOUGHTS.

FIRST THOUGHT(S) WAKING UP: As she wakes up, she considers her day. It might be another one at the kindergarten, it might be one out in the field, it might be some rarer occasion, she still goes over it. WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT MOST: Her children, hands down. She has a duty to them, to be the best teacher ever, and that fills a lot of her headspace a lot of the time. YOU THINK YOUR BEST QUALITY IS: Her ability to 1v1 a bear Being able to be there for children and make them at ease. In fact, she almost finds it a bit disquieting, how easily they get attached to her and how well they listen. It’s almost supernatural.

LAYER FOUR: WHAT’S BETTER?

SINGLE OR GROUP DATES: Group. It’s easier to hide the embarrassment about being there. TO BE LOVED OR RESPECTED: Both! But, if only one of them is available, then it’s love, hands down. BEAUTY OR BRAINS: Brains, but not necessarily. Kindness is a much more valuable aspect to look for in a person, and one that is more rare to booth. DOGS OR CATS: Neither. Small animals don’t like her overmuch, to her infinite sadness, though small pokémon tend to be more resilient to whatever makes cats hiss and dogs bark at her.

LAYER FIVE: DO YOU?

LIE: Who knows. She tells to herself that she’s a honest person, but she hides the ugliest parts of herself with the same ease as breathing. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF: Mostly. BELIEVE IN LOVE: ...eeeeeh. Motherly love? 100%, yes. That’s natural, to her, a part of her own being. But when it comes to romantic love, the ones that pushes you to wishing you might live your life with someone else... then there’s nothing for her there. WANT SOMEONE: No. She’s aromantic, though she isn’t aware of the definition itself. She doesn’t feel like she needs someone by her side, and to be frank she doesn’t even feel the need to have children of her own

LAYER SIX: EVER BEEN…

BEEN ON STAGE: She's opened the kids’ recital every year for nineteen years, but that’s it. DONE DRUGS: She actually tried once, when she was younger, to see how it was. She was a bit let down when any effect failed to manifest entirely. CHANGED WHO YOU WERE TO FIT IN: Absolutely not. The world can move over, if it wants; she is not bending for it. And this is final.

LAYER SEVEN:  FAVOURITES.

FAVOURITE COLOR: Green, though blue is a close second. FAVOURITE ANIMAL: It used to be Jigglypuff, but when one of her children’s parents brought her a Snom from Galar it quickly knocked the singer off her throne. Her Wigglytuff, Titania, still resents it. FAVOURITE MOVIE: Peter Pan. FAVOURITE GAME: Harvest Moon and Tomb Raider. Both at the same level.

LAYER EIGHT:  AGE.

DAY YOUR NEXT BIRTHDAY WILL BE: April 30th. HOW OLD WILL YOU BE: 38, though she doesn’t look a year over 20. AGE YOU LOST YOUR VIRGINITY: The question is enough to get her as red as a tomato. The answer is, she hasn’t yet. Which is a curious thing, with how taken by children she is... DOES AGE MATTER: The entire equation doesn’t matter, to her.

LAYER NINE:  IN A PERSON.

BEST PERSONALITY: Friendly, fighty, ready to throw down for one’s ideals but also for a friend. She also is quite taken with people who aren’t quite book smart, to be generous. BEST EYE COLOR: Blue, or some shade thereof. BEST HAIR COLOR: Blue, as above. BEST THING TO DO WITH A PARTNER: Go and play! Explore! Go on adventures! Live life, as Diana perceives it to be worth living.

LAYER TEN:  FINISH THE SENTENCE.

I LOVE: “Kids, of course.” I FEEL: “Like kids have always been a part of my life. Who knows, maybe I was a fairy in a past life, fufu.” I HIDE: “The savagery I can reach into when hunting.” I MISS: “Grandpa Albie. He knew so much about me, more than I do or ever will.” I WISH: “All my kids will be healthy and happy forever. Forever.”

[s5078305-blog]

Part 2...

Jean Baudrillard: Simulacra and Simulation

Jean Baudrillard was a French sociologist, philosopher and cultural theorists. He is most famous for his work on post-structuralism, early post modernism and his ideas help shaping the idea of hyperreality. In his book Simulacra and Simulation (1981) he talks about the idea of us living in the age of simulation. In our postmodern culture society, we are servant to maps, symbols and models, making us lose all contact with the real world outside of the map. We wouldn’t be able to distinguish from the what is real and what is simulated, the map becomes what’s real "The territory no longer precedes the map, nor does it survive it. It is nevertheless the map that precedes the territory—precession of simulacra—that engenders the territory" ("The Precession of Simulacra" 1). He stated when it comes to postmodern simulation and simulacra, “It is no longer a question of imitation, nor duplication, nor even parody. It is a question of substituting the signs of the real for the real” ("The Precession of Simulacra" 2). We have lost all ability to make of the distinction between nature and artifice.

Image from https://baudrillardstudies.com/baudrillard-scrapbook/

Photo by Richard Avedon

jean Baudrillard and The Matrix  

The matrix is about a computer hacker Thomas Anderson, learns about the true nature of his reality and the role he plays in the war against it’s controllers. (Kenneth Chisholm). In one the scenes of the movie Thomas picks up a book: Jean Baudrillard’s Simulacra and simulation. The inclusion of the book holds great meaning as the movie takes a lot of influence from his idea of hyperreality, and hyperreal. Thomas learns about him living in a hyperreality, a simulation- everything he knew wasn’t really real. The Matrx itself is used as a virtual realty medium to illustrate the concept of hyperreal. The Matrx is an illusion created by the AI for a purpose.

image from https://mikesyear2uni.wordpress.com/2013/11/08/authenticity-baudrillard-wilde-and-benjamin/

A shot from a scene in The Matrx

Hyperreality

‘Hyperreality’ was coined by Baudrillard, meaning a social reality in which a reality is created or simulated from models of reality that is generated from ideas. (Robinson, 2012). Our reality gets simulated and heightened and which causes us to be in a hyperreality. With technology like AR and VR and the growing MR, we can now truly enter a simulated world at any moment, with apps, game or headset.  

image from Google images

The headset: 2018

New developments of apps for the VR, has added to the real life real to the headset. Now you can watch YouTube with the YouTube VR, receive messages, meditate, check emails, watch Netflix. Interact with other user’s avatars, communicating through the headset in a game called VR chat.  

A man named Jack Wilmot did an experiment where he ‘lived’ in a VR headset for a week. He always made sure to have a headset on, blacking out his windows blocking the outside world, switching headsets for different activities. On his experience he says “...this headset allows anyone to create their own environment”.  If you’re feeling stressed, you can switch to being submerged into a natural environment. “Everything is in the headset”. With the incorporate of everyday activity in the Virtual world, our generation can spend more time in a simulated reality than our actual reality. His experiment shows how we could live a sustainable life in the simulacra that is the headset as it still allows us to function normally.  

Video from Youtube - I spent a week in a VR headset, here’s what happened

Will VR replace real life?  

According to Jean Baudrillard’s theory, reality is a simulacra. He argues in the age of media we already are living in a virtual reality. His theories stand correct precisely in today’s society. I believe that there are and always have been simulants in the world that proved the experience of a hyperreality. From natural things outside of our control, like our brain hallucinating to meditation. To more man-made simulants like books, movies, social media, Disneyland.  

And now AR, VR and MR.  

A fair critic of Jean Baudrillar was from N. Katherine Hayles in her book ‘The Borders of madness’, she argues  

“Every existing simulation has boundaries that distinguish it from the surrounding environment. Disneyland sports a fence, dense hedges, and acres of parking lots. Virtual reality environments are limited by the length of the cables attaching the body apparatus to the computer.”  (1991)

This is true. We have the option to disconnect.  

But what if the technology develops to perfection, and it give us everything we need in it’s virtual world?  

And we truly are not capable of distinguishing VR from realty.  

AR vs and MR are ‘escapes from reality’, but what if they become reality?

Image from https://uploadvr.com/high-end-vr-future/

Imagine …in the distant future...

A SONY super high-tech headset that lets you experience anything you want. And it feels real. Life like.

- It takes away all your worries  

- Brings all pleasure  

Once you plug in, you won’t know that you’re plugged in.  

Would you plug in?  

This idea is based on Robert Nozick 1974 book: Anarchy, State, and Utopia. Where he proposes the experience machine. He stated “Suppose there were an experience machine that would give you any experience that you desired... All the time you would be floating in a tank, with electrodes attached to your brain.” …A VR headset... Nozick assumes that most people would not plug in.  

With the advancements in today’s technology, the machine isn’t hard to imagine for the distant future...  

Most people would argue that we would be able to plug in and out (if there was that option) like the stimuli from video games. But with the game being able to give you every desire, returning to the ‘real world’ where you can’t be given everything you want, could cause a feeling of sadness - would people be able to control and self-discipline to not spend to not plug in once and never plug back out. What if all their friends and family are already plugged in too?

Why wouldn’t you plug in?  

There are some issues with posing this question, one being that it’s a big generalization to make, even with all the pleasures that would be provided inside the headset, we wouldn’t be able to truly experience it because we wouldn’t be able to feel it. The virtual experiences that we would have can only be replicated to a certain extent. Playing in the world cup and scoring the winning goal is an experience that cannot be replicated because of the emotions.  

Another issue is assuming that we would pick the pleasure offered to us over the issues the real-life experience of the real world. Maybe it we would miss the feeling of living, that again cannot be replicated.  

The influence of social media

I think VR technology has the capability to cause a societal shift. If the technology was developed enough to offer us a better reality to our own. It is capable of a causing a shift. However, I don’t believe that it could cause it alone. Social media would play a big part. Social media is new age technology, but it would play its own sperate part.  

Social media has taken over our world. It is inescapable in my generation, generation Z. My generation live our lives on social media, people post about every detail of their lives everyday on a platform such as Twitter, Instagram, Facebook... but they only show us what they want us to see, social media allows you to have no filter and use filters at the same time. People can present their best image to you and you won’t be able to tell the difference. This is problematic as it could lead to depression and anxiety. There are inconclusive research on weather social media is a direct cause of depression and anxiety, but it does seems to be a cause. The chair of the psychology department at Stanford University, Anthony Wagner states “... our media use behavior is actually altering our cognition and underlying neurological function or neurobiological processes? The answer is we have no idea.” (Resnick, 2019)  

Although, we don’t know if the official cause, our obsession with it does play a major part in the cause of depression and anxiety. According to experts “almost 20% of people with social media accounts cannot go more than three hours without checking them” (Fader, 2018). It is not hard to miss the amount of people walking around with their heads in their phones, we’ve all been guilty of doing it. But (for the most part) my generation are able to distinguish from social media and real life. But what about the generation after us?  

Children are using social media just as much as adults are causing growing concerns on its effects on their development. “One of the biggest differences in...current teenagers and young adults... is that they spend much less time connecting with their peers in person and more time connecting ...through social media.’ Recent studies show that teenagers and young adult who spend the most time on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram and other platforms “...were shown to have a substantially (from 13 to 66 percent) higher rate of reported depression than those who spent the least time” (Miller, 2017).  

I think Social media has become too problematic itself, with people not having the consciousness to distinguish reality from the simulation of reality that is social media. Social media is a hyperreality.  

To conclude, I think that the in this moment in time the technology isn’t powerful enough to cause a societal shift, but with the rate in which it is enhancing, it isn’t so wacky to think that one day AR, VR and MR replace reality, therefore changing our cultural and societal values. Technology (and social media) could be the main deciding determinism for the shift.